Original subtitles

- MEL TORME! YEAH, MY MAN.

THE VELVET FOG. YES, SIR.

VIC DAMONE.

GREAT SET OF PIPES OVER THERE.

DINAH SHORE. WHOO-HOO-HOO!

BOY, CAN SHE PUTT. [chuckles]

WHAT ELSE WE GOT? [doorbell rings]

OH, OKAY.

[Dreyfuss panting]

DREYFIE?

- I FOUND HIM OVER ON GREENWOOD STREET.

- OH, OH. COME IN.

DREYF, HOW DID YOU GET OUT AGAIN?

- YOU KNOW, I SAW "DR. WESTON" ON THE TAG,

AND I WONDERED IF IT WAS YOU.

IT IS YOU.

- WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

UM, DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

- MARTY'S COFFEE SHOP?

YOU USED TO BE GRIDDLE CAKES, NO BUTTER, SYRUP ON THE SIDE,

TOAST DRY, HALF A GLASS OF WATER WITH ONE ICE CUBE.

YOU WERE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

- OH, YEAH. YOU'RE--YOU'RE, UM,

DON'T TELL ME, DON'T--DON'T TELL ME.

DON'T TELL ME.

YOU'RE...

TELL ME.

- DORIS.

- OH, YES. DORIS, DORIS. SIT DOWN.

GEE, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN MARTY'S PLACE IN, I DON'T KNOW, AGES.

- NO ONE HAS.

MARTY BURNED IT DOWN FOR THE INSURANCE.

- SO, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?

- OKAY, I GUESS.

- WELL, MY SISTER DIED LAST YEAR.

- OH, I'M, I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

THAT MUST BE REAL HARD.

- OH, I'M FINE, DR. WESTON.

I HAVE MY MACRAME.

- YOU KNOW, IT-IT-IT MIGHT HELP

TO BE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE.

- I'D HATE TO NEGLECT MY MACRAME.

- YEAH, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND.

BUT YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN VOLUNTEERING AT THE CANAL STREET CLINIC,

AND IT'S-- AND IT'S VERY REWARDING.

AND, WELL, WE COULD USE SOME HELP.

- DO YOU THINK I COULD?

I REALLY ENJOY HELPING PEOPLE.

YEAH, I THINK I'D LIKE TO TRY THAT.

- GREAT! THAT'S GOOD, TERRIFIC.

WELL, I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU DOWN THERE.

- OH, HEY, CAN I BORROW THIS?

- SURE. - I JUST LOVE MICHAEL JACKSON.

- TH-TH-THAT'S LENA-- THAT'S--THAT'S LENA HORNE.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

- LAVERNE, WHEN'S DELIVERY ON THAT X-RAY FILM?

- AH, DON'T FRET, DR. DOUGLAS.

I'M ON IT LIKE A CHICKEN ON A JUNE BUG.

GIVE ME THE LEO IN SHIPPIN'.

- DR. WESTON.

- OH, DORIS, HI! YEAH, I'M GLAD YOU CAME DOWN.

WAIT. EXCUSE ME JUST FOR A MOMENT.

MAXINE, DEAR, UH...

I'M SORRY, I MEANT TO RUN THIS BY YOU,

BUT THIS IS DORIS, AND SHE'S INTERESTED IN VOLUNTEERING.

- A VOLUNTEER?

HI. I'M DR. DOUGLAS. YOU GET ONE WEEK OFF IN AUGUST.

- I GUESS I SHOULD TELL YOU

THAT I DON'T HAVE MUCH BACKGROUND IN THIS.

- ANY MEDICAL EXPERIENCE AT ALL? - NO.

- ADMINISTRATIVE? - NOT REALLY.

- EVER SEEN GENERAL HOSPITAL? - OH, SURE.

- WELCOME TO THE TEAM.

- OH, HERE.

LAVERNE, LAVERNE, THIS IS DORIS.

SHE'S GONNA HELP OUT AROUND HERE.

- WELL, PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION.

LEO! YEAH. IF YOU DON'T GET ME THAT X-RAY FILM

BY THE END OF THE DAY, YOU GONNA BE NEEDIN' X-RAYS.

UH-HUH. THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

I LOVE TO MAKE 'EM WEEP.

HELLO, DORIS. PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

COME ON, LET'S GET YOU A LOCKER.

- MY GOODNESS, YOU WERE VERY IMPRESSIVE ON THE PHONE.

IT GAVE ME CHILLS.

I'D ALWAYS WISHED I COULD BE THAT ASSERTIVE.

- IT'S A GIFT.

- ONE OF THOSE GIFTS YOU CAN'T RETURN.

- OKAY, SALAMI, BOLOGNA, CAPICOLA, MORTADELLA.

AH. SPAM.

LUNCHMEAT OF THE GODS.

HEY, CAROL. HEY, MYSTERY BABE.

- IGNORE HIM. HE JUST EATS HERE.

THAT POWER WALK NEARLY DID ME IN.

IT MUST BE ALL THIS EXTRA WEIGHT I'M CARRYING AROUND.

- OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

- OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

MY BREASTS WERE SWINGING LIKE 50 POUND SANDBAGS.

- HAVE THEY STARTED LEAKING?

- LEAKING? MY SOCKS ARE WET.

BUT THE WETNESS I CAN LIVE WITH, IT'S THE CRAMPS.

IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY'S TYING A GRANNY KNOT IN MY COLON.

- CONSTIPATION. - CONSTIPATION?

IT FEELS LIKE I'M TRYING TO PASS A GLACIER.

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT ANY MORE.

JUST MAKES MATTERS WORSE. - RIGHT.

- BUT YOU DO KNOW WHAT THE WORST IS.

both: HEMORRHOIDS!

- THIS IS GONNA BE SO GREAT.

US BEING OXFORD PARENTS TOGETHER.

- I'M SORRY, OXFORD PARENTS?

- THE OXFORD ACADEMY PRESCHOOL.

CAROL, THE WAITING LIST IS YEARS.

YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T ENROLLED YOUR FETUS?

- WELL, ACTUALLY, I HADN'T DECIDED WHICH PRESCHOOL--

- HONEY, THERE ARE NO OTHER PRESCHOOLS.

WITHOUT OXFORD, YOU'LL NEVER QUALIFY FOR HUNTINGTON PRIMARY.

- I WON'T? - AND WITHOUT HUNTINGTON,

LYCEE FRANCAIS IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

- OH, MON DIEU!

- WELL, THEN ANDOVER'S OUT,

WHICH MEANS YOU CAN KISS YOUR YALE GOOD-BYE.

- WHAT IF I HAVE A SON? HE WON'T BE A YALE MAN.

- YALE MAN?

HE'LL BE LUCKY IF HE'S AN ORKIN MAN.

- BOY, THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE THIS DAY BETTER

IS IF TOMMY LEE JONES WALKED THROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR

WEARIN' NOTHIN' BUT SPEEDOS.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

- DORIS. SHE ANSWERED THE PHONE, SHE DID THE FILIN',

SHE TOOK THE INVENTORY. THAT WOMAN IS A GODSEND.

- LAVERNE, I PICKED UP YOUR DRY CLEANING.

- AND SHE DELIVERS.

- DORIS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- OH, GO ON, YOU'RE MUCH TOO IMPORTANT AROUND HERE.

- TELL A FRIEND.

- I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW YOU KEEP TRACK OF EVERYTHING.

I'VE GOT A THOUSAND QUESTIONS.

- WELL, ANYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

YOU CAN ASK MAXINE OR ME.

- COURSE, THEY'LL JUST GO GLASSY-EYED AND SAY

"ASK LAVERNE."

- I WAS THINKING,

MAYBE YOU COULD COME UP TO MY PLACE TONIGHT,

SORT OF BRIEF ME. I'LL MAKE DINNER.

- WELL, SURE. IF IT'S NO TROUBLE.

I COULD USE A LITTLE HOME COOKIN',

HARD AS I WORK A-RUNNIN' THIS PLACE.

- AND, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A RED HAIR RIBBON

THAT'LL GO BEAUTIFULLY WITH THAT SWEATER.

- WELL, YOU DON'T THINK THAT'LL BE TOO MUCH RED.

- NOT FOR A FIREBALL LIKE YOU.

- TSS! - [laughing]

- HARRY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DON'T YOU THINK DORIS

GOT ATTACHED TO LAVERNE AWFULLY FAST?

- WELL, I-I THINK DORIS

IS JUST VERY ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT HER WORK.

- HMPH. REGIS AND KATHIE LEE

AREN'T THAT ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT THEIR WORK.

- OH, BOY.

- MM-HMM.

- GOOD MORNING. WHERE'S LAVERNE?

- OH, SHE CALLED TO SAY SHE'D BE A LITTLE LATE.

AND GUESS WHAT SHE TOLD ME.

IT SEEMS DORIS MADE HER A LOVELY DINNER LAST NIGHT.

WITH CANDLES AND WINE

AND MUSIC.

- SOUNDS FRIENDLY.

- TOO FRIENDLY. COME ON, HARRY.

YOU EVER MADE DINNER LIKE THAT FOR ANOTHER MAN?

- ONCE WHEN I WAS IN THE SERVICE,

BUT THAT'S A LONG TIME AGO.

MAXINE, COME ON! YOU'RE MAKING TOO MUCH OF THIS.

- I'M NOT MAKING TOO MUCH OF THOSE.

TWO DOZEN ROSES TO LAVERNE FROM DORIS.

I READ THE CARD.

- MAXINE!

- WELL, THERE WAS NO ENVELOPE, HARRY.

I WAS JUST WALKING BY.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE BLIND NOT TO SEE IT.

- I DON'T SEE IT.

- UNDER THE BABY'S BREATH, WAY IN THE BACK.

- WAIT A MIN-- WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. SO DORIS SENT LAVERNE SOME FLOWERS.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

- OOH-WEE! LOOK AT THEM ROSES.

THEY MUST BE ROMANCE IN THE AIR.

'CAUSE NOTHIN' SAYS LOVIN' LIKE ROSES BY THE DOZEN.

WHO THEY FOR? - ALL YOURS, BLONDIE.

- WHERE'S THE CARD? - UNDERNEATH THE BABY'S BREATH.

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S BACK IN THERE SOMEWHERE, I GUESS.

I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, I'M A-- I'M A PUSHOVER FOR ROSES.

- YOU MIGHT WANNA REEXAMINE THAT ATTITUDE.

- OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT POOR LOVESICK PUPPY SENT THESE.

DORIS?

- PFFT. IMAGINE THAT.

- WELL, YOU--YOU DON'T THINK...

THAT DORIS IS A TAD SMITTEN WITH ME.

- OH, COME ON. THIS--THIS COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

- I VOTE FOR THAT SMITTEN DEAL.

- YEAH. I'M THINKIN' OL' DORIS

IS TRACTORED ON A PLOW STRAIGHT.

I JUST HAVE TO HAVE ME A LITTLE TALK WITH DORIS,

TELL HER I AIN'T INTERESTED.

- LA-LAVERNE, PLEASE, THIS IS A RATHER DELICATE MATTER.

- DOCTOR, PLEASE, I ASSURE YOU,

WHERE AFFAIRS OF THE HEART ARE CONCERNED,

I HAVE A TENDER AND SENSITIVE NATURE.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY?

- THAT I PREFER A BIG, HAIRY MEN.

- THAT OUGHTA DO IT.

- OH, YOU GOT THE FLOWERS.

- YES. THANK YOU.

UH, DORIS?

WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

- SURE. JUST LET ME TAKE OFF MY COAT.

- BOY, DON'T YOU LOOK...

FAMILIAR.

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD HAVE THAT TALK OVER DINNER.

I KNOW A NICE COZY LITTLE CAFE.

- I HAVE A DATE.

- A DATE? I SEE.

WELL, FINE, THEN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT POOR LITTLE DORIS.

POOR LITTLE DORIS CAN TAKE OF HERSELF,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ENJOY YOUR DATE.

- YOU LEFT OUT THE BIG, HAIRY MEN PART.

- HARRY? READY TO KICK SOME BUTT?

- SOPHIA, WHERE WOULD THIS VASE LOOK BEST?

- IN THE TRASH.

- DADDY, HOW DOES EVERYTHING LOOK?

- OH, SWEETIE, DON'T YOU THINK

YOU'RE GOING TO AN AWFUL LOT OF TROUBLE

FOR A PRESCHOOL INTERVIEW?

- DADDY, BRENDA PULLED A LOT OF STRINGS TO SET THIS UP,

AND I WANT MY CHILD TO HAVE EVERY EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY.

EVERY CHANCE TO GROW, TO BLOSSOM.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

LET'S WIN ONE FOR SHADY PINES.

- OKAY.

- IF ANYBODY ASKS,

YOUR NAME IS MORRIS AND YOU'RE 85.

- OKAY.

[telephone rings]

- HELLO? OH, HI.

BRENDA. YES. HE'LL BE HERE IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

THANKS AGAIN FOR SETTING IT UP.

[doorbell rings] YES,

I BOUGHT A SMASHING NEW OUTFIT

AND I HAD MY NAILS DONE.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T DAZZLE THE POOR FELLOW.

- MRS. WESTON, CAROL WESTON?

- BRENDA, I HAVE TO GO NOW. JAMES BOND IS HERE.

- HELLO, I'M STEVEN ELLIS, THE OXFORD ACADEMY.

I'M SORRY I'M EARLY,

BUT I'M HAVING A FUNDRAISER TONIGHT,

AND SUDDENLY THEY NEED ME

TO PICK UP JANET RENO AT THE AIRPORT.

- THE ATTORNEY GENERAL?

- TO HER FRIENDS AT OXFORD, SHE'S JUST PLAIN SLATS.

MAY I COME IN?

- OH, OF COURSE. WHERE ARE MY MANNERS?

- THANK YOU.

- PLEASE, PARDON MY--MY APPEARANCE.

I WAS JUST--I WAS JUST...

DOING A RESEARCH EXPERIMENT IN MICROBIOLOGY.

- YOU'RE A MICROBIOLOGIST?

- I DABBLE.

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN?

- OH, THANK YOU.

SO, WILL YOUR HUSBAND BE JOINING US?

- OH, MY HUSBAND. YES.

AH. NO. HE'S OUT OF THE COUNTRY.

HE'S--HE'S STUDYING ARTS IN PARIS. AT THE SORBONNE.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?

I STUDIED AT THE SORBONNE.

- WELL, HE'S NOT AT THE SORBONNE.

HE'S NEAR THE SORBONNE.

JUST DOWN THE RUE FROM THE SORBONNE.

- I WAS JUST WONDERING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY HISTORY.

- OH, WELL. WHERE TO BEGIN?

OUR FAMILY IS A RICH TAPESTRY.

A TAPESTRY WOVEN OF--OF RENAISSANCE THINKERS

AND PATRONS OF THE ARTS AND...

- AND?

- DID I MENTION THAT WE'RE ONE EIGHTH CHEROKEE?

- REALLY? I THINK THE BOARD WILL BE IMMENSELY IMPRESSED

WITH YOUR INDIAN HERITAGE.

- MR. ELLIS.

I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU...ABOUT THAT--

- YES?

- MY PEOPLE PREFER THE TERM "NATIVE AMERICAN".

- CAROL. I'M SHIPPING OUT.

D'YOUR OLD MAN HAVE ANY CLEAN UNDERWEAR?

- I-I'M SURE HE DOES, CHARLEY.

I'LL TELL HIM YOU ASKED. - HEY.

IS THAT JAMES BOND?

- NO, CHARLEY.

THIS IS MR. ELLIS, FROM THE OXFORD PRESCHOOL.

- JUST A MINUTE.

NAVY?

- NO. WHITE.

- [laughing]

MILITARY HUMOR.

ACTUALLY, CHARLEY HERE IS QUITE THE WAR HERO.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CHARLEY? - HUH?

AH! I MEAN...

I WOULDN'T SAY HERO,

JUST A NAVY FLYBOY DOING HIS JOB.

MAYBE HEARD OF A LITTLE OPERATION

CALLED DESERT STORM.

- CERTAINLY.

WHAT DID YOU FLY?

- AN AIRPLANE.

- [laughing]

- [fake laughter]

- DID I MENTION HE TOOK A SCUD MISSILE TO THE HEAD?

- IT'S HERE! FROM THE OXFORD ACADEMY PRESCHOOL.

- THANKS.

- AREN'T YOU GONNA OPEN IT?

- I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT SAYS.

- OH, CAROL. DON'T BE SO NEGATIVE.

COME ON, THEY COULD HAVE ACCEPTED YOU.

- OF COURSE THEY ACCEPTED ME,

BUT I CAN'T ACCEPT THEIR ACCEPTANCE.

DADDY, I LIED TO GET IN.

- YOU LIED? THAT'S NOT LIKE YOU.

- I KNOW, BUT WITH MR. ELLIS STANDING THERE,

LOOKING LIKE GOD IN A TUX, TALKING ABOUT JANET RENO,

I JUST GOT SWEPT AWAY.

I JUST WANTED WHAT WAS BEST FOR MY BABY.

- WELL, I MEAN, OF COURSE...

HE KNOWS JANET RENO?

- I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY ENROLLING OUR FETUSES IN SCHOOL.

- YEAH, I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF CLASS PICTURE WOULD THAT BE?

- BESIDES, MY CHILD DOES NOT NEED TO GO

TO SOME SNOOTY ACADEMY

TO LEARN TO SHOVE PLAY-DOH UP ITS NOSE.

- SWEETIE, IF I HAD ANY QUESTIONS

ABOUT YOU BEING READY TO BE A MOTHER,

YOU JUST ANSWERED THEM.

- OH, DADDY.

YOU HAD QUESTIONS?

- NO, NOT REALLY.

[doorbell rings] OH, I'M UP, I'M UP, I'M UP!

CAROL, RELAX. THIS--

OKAY.

- HELLO, DR. WESTON. I'M SORRY IT'S SO LATE. DID I WAKE YOU?

- NO, NO. I WAS JUST READING.

- OH. IT'S JUST YOUR FACE IS ALL WAFFLY.

- YEAH, I KNOW. IT--IT DOES THAT.

COME ON IN.

- I--I--I WAS GOING TO TALK TO YOU ON MONDAY,

BUT I COULDN'T WAIT. I JUST WANT TO SAY

I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY I ACTED THE OTHER DAY.

- FORGET IT.

- AND OF COURSE I'M ALSO GOING TO APOLOGIZE TO LAVERNE.

- IT'S GOOD IDEA. - DO YOU THINK

A WEEKEND IN THE BAHAMAS WOULD DO THE TRICK?

- DORIS, I, UM, I THINK WE--

I THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

NOW, F-F-FIRST OF ALL,

YOU--YOU--YOU JUST TELL ME

IF THIS IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BECAUSE PROBABLY IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

BUT THESE ARE THE '90s, AND SO...

I'M JUST GONNA ASK YOU STRAIGHT OUT.

DORIS, ARE YOU A LE--

LE--

LET ME REPHRASE THIS.

I MEAN, IT--

YOU JUST MET LAVERNE, I MEAN.

WHY THE BAHAMAS?

- WELL, WHENEVER MY SISTER AND I WOULD HAVE A TIFF,

WE'D TAKE A LITTLE TRIP.

WE WERE VERY CLOSE.

I GUESS THAT'S TRUE OF ALL IDENTICAL TWINS.

- IDENTICAL TWINS?

BY ANY CHANCE, DID THE TWO OF YOU USE TO DRESS ALIKE?

- EVERY DAY.

BUT WE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFERENT.

DONNA WAS SEXY, SASSY, FUN TO BE WITH.

- SOUNDS LIKE LAVERNE, EXCEPT FOR THE FUN TO BE WITH.

- WELL, I--I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

BUT THEY ARE A LOT ALIKE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK YOU'VE BEEN--

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING LAVERNE IN DONNA'S PLACE.

- OH, I DON'T THINK I--

I MEAN, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I C--

OH, MY.

OH, DR. WESTON, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I FEEL JUST AWFUL.

- WELL, NO, NO, DON'T. DON'T, DON'T.

THE POINT IS YOUR SISTER'S DEATH

COULD BE A TERRIFIC BREAK FOR YOU.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

- WELL, NO, I MEAN, WH-WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS

IS--IS THAT IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU TO--

YOU KNOW, TO HAVE YOUR OWN IDENTITY.

YOU KNOW? LISTEN.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS BY YOURSELF?

- OH, I COULDN'T.

- YES, YOU COULD.

COME ON. YOU'RE A VIBRANT, INTELLIGENT, ATTRACTIVE,

LOVELY YOUNG LADY.

- REALLY?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO WITH ME?

OH, LAVERNE. I'VE JUST CAME TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

I'VE DECIDED TO TAKE A LITTLE VACATION.

- WELL, I THINK THAT'S A FINE IDEA.

- DR. WESTON AND I HAD A GOOD TALK LAST NIGHT,

AND HE CLEARED UP A FEW THINGS.

- WELL, I'M SURE GLAD TO HEAR THAT.

- AND NOW I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

- OH, FOR WHAT?

LISTEN, JUST 'CAUSE I'M FROM A SMALL TOWN

DON'T MEAN I AIN'T BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK.

SOME PEOPLE MARCH TO THE BEAT OF A DIFFERENT DRUMMER.

IN FACT, I PRIDE MYSELF ON BEIN' DIFFERENT.

- REALLY? - SURE.

I THINK SEXUAL PREFERENCE

IS A MATTER OF PERSONAL CHOICE, DORIS.

I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.

- I CERTAINLY DO.

YOU'RE A LESBIAN, AND NO, THANKS.

- HARRY, LOOK.

IT CAME BACK FROM THE ENGRAVERS.

- OH! WHY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S GREAT, SOPHIA.

I--I NEVER WON AN AWARD BEFORE.

- WE'RE IMMORTAL. OUR NAMES WILL LIVE FOREVER

IN THE TROPHY CASE AT SHADY PINES.

- LOOK AT THIS. THIS IS GREAT.

"FIRST PLACE. EXTREMELY OLD DIVISION"

"SOPHIA PETRILLO AND...

MORRIS LEVINE"

I'M SO PROUD. [chuckles]

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