Original subtitles

- AH!

AH!

AH!

- YA FLINCHED.

- AH!

OKAY, SOPHIA. SO, IT'S ENOUGH OF THIS.

- I HURT YOU WITH THAT ONE, DIDN'T I?

- [chuckles] GET OUT. PLEASE...COME ON.

- HI, SOPHIA. HI, DADDY.

- OW! EGAD!

- WUSS. - [scoffs]

SO, SWEETHEART, HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

- I HAVE BLURRY VISION, DRY MOUTH, NAUSEA,

EXCESSIVE BLOATING, AND A FREQUENT NEED TO URINATE.

GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS?

- YOU KNOCKED BACK A CASE OF BEER LAST NIGHT?

- ACCORDING TO MY BOOK, I'M HAVING THE PERFECT PREGNANCY.

I'VE HAD 19 SYMPTOMS SO FAR.

OH! MAKE THAT 20. MY NIPPLES ARE SORE.

- I GOTTA GET BACK TO THE HOME,

WE'RE HAVING A SAFE-SEX SEMINAR.

- SAFE SEX? WELL, YOU KNOW,

YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO BE SAFE.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

AT MY AGE, SAFE SEX MEANS ASKING THE NURSE

TO PUT UP THE SIDES OF THE BED.

- OH, MY GOD.

DADDY, LOOK AT THIS. - WHAT?

"CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S YOUR FORTH MONTH.

"BY NOW YOU SHOULD BE FEELING A SPECIAL MATERNAL BOND

BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR UNBORN CHILD," SO?

- I DON'T FEEL A BOND.

I'M EMOTIONALLY BARREN.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

- STOP READING THIS BOOK.

- I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING!

I'M UNFIT TO BE A MOTHER. I'M INADEQUATE.

- CAROL, I PROMISE YOU. YOU ARE ADEQUATE.

- ADEQUATE?

THAT'S ALL YOU THINK I AM? ADEQUATE?

NO WONDER I HAVE SUCH LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

NO WONDER I WAS SO UNHAPPY AS A BABY!

- CAROL, YOU WERE A VERY HAPPY BABY, I SWEAR!

STRANGE, BUT HAPPY.

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE

WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- THE DOCTOR'LL GET BACK TO YOU THIS AFTERNOON.

UH-HUH.

SO, HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR. GARRISON?

- MY EYES ARE ITCHY, MY THROAT HAS A TICKLE,

MY STOMACH IS TWINGING,

AND THERE'S A RINGING IN MY LEFT EAR.

- FEELIN' BETTER, HUH?

- I HAVE SHOOTING PAINS, DIZZINESS,

POST-NASAL DRIP AND A SPLINTER.

- WELL, THEY'S A LOT OF THAT GOIN' AROUND.

HEY, DOCTOR, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

- I'M HAVING A BAD DAY.

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING, I JUST GOT A DAMN TICKET.

WHERE THE HELL IS HARRY?

- HE'S RUNNIN' A LITTLE LATE.

SOME KINDA PROBLEM WITH HIS DAUGHTER.

NOW THERE'S A SHOCKER.

- WELL, HE COULDN'T HAVE PICKED A BUSIER DAY.

- YOU KNOW, I BET HALF THE PEOPLE ARE HERE

JUST TO BEAT THE HEAT.

- THEN TURN OFF THE DAMN AIR CONDITIONING.

LET 'EM SWELTER.

- I THINK YOU TOOK ONE TOO MANY CRANKY PILLS TODAY.

- LAVERNE, THERE IS N--

WILL YOU STOP THAT!

WHY ARE WE LETTING MIMES IN HERE?

- HE'S A PATIENT.

- HEY, MUMMENSCHANZ, SIT DOWN!

NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT.

- I JUST LOVE THE LIVE THEATER.

- DADDY, DON'T ASK HOW I'M FEELING.

- OKAY.

- DON'T YOU CARE?

- OF COURSE I CARE.

LOOK, HERE'S SOME STUFF FROM WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT, YOU KNOW, BE GOOD FOR YOU

TO SEE WHAT A WONDERFUL CHILDHOOD YOU REALLY HAD.

- OH, LOOK!

IT'S MOLLY THE DOLLY.

YOU WERE MY FIRST LITTLE BABY, AND I LOVED YOU SO MUCH.

THEN THEY TOOK YOU AWAY AND GAVE YOU TO BARBARA.

- CAROL. - SORRY, DADDY.

I JUST SORT OF SLIPPED INTO THE PAST.

BUT THIS IS GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S LIKE THERAPY.

OOH, LET'S SEE.

WHAT DOES THIS PUT ME IN TOUCH WITH?

- DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

THAT'S YOUR CLOWNY NOSE!

YOU GOT IT WHEN WE TOOK YOU TO THE CIRCUS

FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.

OH, GOD! YOU WERE SO CUTE!

YOU KEPT ON ASKING TO SEE THE "EBBYFLANTS."

- "EBBYFLANTS."

I WANNA SEE THE "EBBYFLANTS"!

[chuckling] I WAS CUTE! WASN'T I?

AAH! "EBBYFLANTS"!

- [laughing] OH, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT WASN'T YOU, THAT WAS EMILY.

- EMILY?

- WELL, I GOT CONFUSED. WHEN THERE ARE THREE DAUGHTERS,

YOU HAVE A LOT OF CUTE THINGS TO REMEMBER.

- WELL, DIDN'T I EVER SAY ANYTHING CUTE?

- OH SURE! - WELL, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?

- GOD! I'M LATE FOR THE CLINIC, DEAR.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU GO THROUGH THE BOX,

AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I COME HOME?

- OKAY. WAIT, DADDY!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME I SAT ON SANTA'S LAP

AND I PULLED OFF HIS BEARD AND I CALLED HIM A FAKE?

WASN'T THAT CUTE?

- THAT WAS CUTE.

THAT WAS BARBARA.

A-HA, MR. FINNEGAN.

IT'S A PLEASURE. IT'S A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

I SEE, AND HOW--HOW LONG HAS YOUR STOMACH BEEN BOTHERING YOU?

TWO DAYS, HUH?

TWO--TWO--TWO WEEKS?

CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE PAIN?

OH!

BURN! BURNING--BURNING SENSATION!

HOPEFULLY.

STAB! STAB! STABBING PAIN.

OKAY...PRETTY GOOD.

OKAY...ANY OTHER SYMPTOMS?

TWO--TWO--TWO SYMPTOMS.

ONE SYMPTOM, TWO WORDS.

FIRST WORD.

YOU'RE CHOPPING SOMETHING.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE DESTROYING SOMETHING.

YOU'RE BREAKING SOMETHING?

OKAY.

WIND! BREAKING WIND!

YOU GOT GAS!

WELL, WE'LL RUN SOME TESTS, AND THIS IS PROBABLY NOTHING.

BUT JUST, YOU KNOW... I JUST WANNA BE SURE.

I MEAN...I MEAN WITH YOUR SYMPTOMS

IT COULD TURN OUT TO BE AN ULCER.

- AN ULCER?

- EXCUSE ME, DR. DOUGLAS,

BUT WE GOT A TWO-HOUR BACKUP OUT THERE,

AND THE CROWD'S A-GETTIN' UGLY.

- THEY WERE UGLY WHEN THEY GOT HERE.

- WHAT IS CHEWIN' ON YOU TODAY?

- NOTHING. I'M FINE.

- WELL, IT MAY BE NONE OF MY BUSINESS--

- WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT SO FAR.

- ARE YOU READY FOR ME YET?

- COME ON IN, MR. GARRISON.

- SO, WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU TODAY, MR. GARRISON?

- MY EYES ARE ITCHY, MY THROAT HAS A TICKLE,

MY STOMACH IS TWINGING,

AND I HAVE A RINGING IN MY LEFT EAR.

- LOOK, MR. GARRISON, YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC,

AND I REALLY DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR NONSENSE TODAY.

I SAW YOU YESTERDAY AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BY THE WAY, WHERE WERE YOU MONDAY?

- I WAS HOME SICK.

- IF IT TURNS OUT THAT IT IS AN ULCER,

THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU CAN DO THROUGH DIET,

AND, UH, AND STRESS REDUCTION TO AVOID--

MAY I?

- SURGERY?

- I COULDN'T RESIST!

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. IT'S JUST A REMOTE POSSIBILITY.

- AHH, IT'S THE STRESS, DOC!

MIME BASHING RUNS RAMPANT IN THIS COUNTRY.

PEOPLE THROW FRUIT AT US.

- I--I HAD NO IDEA.

- BECAUSE THE VICTIMS REFUSE TO TALK.

I'M NOT GONNA WAIT FOR THE TEST RESULTS, DOC.

I'M GONNA TURN MY LIFE AROUND.

I'M--I'M GONNA TURN MY LIFE AROUND STARTING RIGHT NOW!

I FORGOT MY BRIEFCASE.

- MR. GARRISON, WHAT'S WRONG?

- DR. DOUGLAS DOESN'T HAVE TIME FOR ME TODAY.

- REALLY? WELL, COME ON IN.

AAH, COME ON.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE ONCE OVER.

- JUST ONCE?

- UM, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

- MY EYES ARE ITCHY, MY THROAT HAS A TICKLE,

MY STOMACH IS TWINGING,

I HAVE A RINGING IN MY LEFT EAR...

MUSCLE SPASMS, SKIN RASHES, MIGRAINES.

- WHOA-WHOA-WHOA, WHAT IS THIS?

- WHAT'S WHAT?

- THIS LUMP. HOW LONG YOU HAD THIS LUMP ON YOUR SHOULDER?

- OH, THAT. THAT'S NOTHING.

- NO, REALLY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD IT?

- A LITTLE WHILE. IS IT SERIOUS?

- OH, WELL, PROBABLY--PROBABLY NOT,

BUT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE,

WE'LL TAKE A BIOPSY AND WE'LL SEND IT TO THE LAB.

- THEN IT COULD BE SERIOUS?

- OH, JUST...POSSIBLY.

- OH, CAROL.

- SOPHIA... WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THE BABY.

- JOIN THE CLUB.

- SOPHIA, WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU WERE PREGNANT?

- OH, THINGS WERE DIFFERENT WHEN I WAS PREGNANT.

FOR ONE THING, I WAS MARRIED.

BUT WITHOUT MY FATHER'S BLESSING,

SO WHEN I GOT PREGNANT, HE PUT A CURSE ON ME.

- YOU'RE KIDDING? WHAT KIND OF A CURSE?

- I'M A NYMPHOMANIAC.

WHAT'S IN THERE?

- OH, THINGS FROM MY PAST.

I'M TRYING TO GET IN TOUCH WITH MY CHILDHOOD.

- LOOK AT THIS.

- YEAH, IT'S ONE OF MY EARLY PAINTINGS.

- IT STINKS!

WHAT'S THIS?

- WOW! IT'S MY MOTHER'S DIARY.

- ARE YOU GONNA READ IT?

- OH, SOPHIA, PLEASE!

IT CONTAINS HER MOST PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.

- I KNOW. LET ME HAVE IT WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.

OOP, I GOTTA GO.

IT'S MRS. FEINGOLD'S 96th BIRTHDAY PARTY.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

FIRST WE ALL JUMP OUT AND YELL "SURPRISE!"

THEN WE DRAW STRAWS TO SEE WHO GETS HER ROOM.

- I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD DO THIS.

MOM, IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO READ THIS, GIVE ME A SIGN.

[Dreyfuss growls and barks]

COINCIDENCE.

[sighs] LET'S SEE...

OH, WOW, THE YEAR I WAS BORN.

"DEAR DIARY, HARRY'S SO HAPPY WITH HIS NEW CAR.

HE SAYS IT'S EDSELS FOR LIFE."

SILLY DADDY. AHH.

"DEAR DIARY, I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT TODAY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.

"HARRY'S SO BUSY WITH HIS INTERNSHIP, HE'S NEVER HOME,

"AND NOW I'LL HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB.

"THIS IS SOMETHING WE NEVER PLANNED ON.

WHY DID I HAVE TO GET PREGNANT NOW?"

OH, MY GOD.

MOM DIDN'T WANT ME.

- MAXINE, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

COME ON! MR. GARRISON CRIES WOLF ALL THE TIME.

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE KNOWN?

- BUT, HARRY, THAT LUMP COULD BE MALIGNANT.

- WE'LL FIND OUT TOMORROW WHEN IT COMES BACK FROM THE LAB,

BUT IF IT IS SOMETHING, AT LEAST WE FOUND IT EARLY.

- NO, YOU FOUND IT EARLY.

I KICKED HIM OUT OF MY EXAM ROOM.

- MAXINE, WE'VE BEEN SWAMPED WITH PATIENTS,

YOU HAVE BEEN OVERWORKED AND UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE,

AND IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

- HAS IT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

- SURE, LOTS OF TIMES.

COME ON, IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYBODY.

- BUT, HARRY, DOCTORS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO SCREW UP.

- OH, MAXINE.

I MEAN, COME ON.

I'VE MADE MISTAKES WITH PATIENTS.

BIG MISTAKES.

- AH, HARRY, CUT THE BULL.

I BLEW IT.

THE TRUTH IS I'M A LOUSY DOCTOR.

WHO'S NEXT?

- CHARLEY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.

- IT'S NO PROBLEM, HARRY.

I LOVE RIFLING THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF.

IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN I GO THROUGH YOUR GARBAGE,

ONLY CLEANER.

TELL ME AGAIN. WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

- I'M NOT SURE.

JUST SOMETHING THAT'LL CONVINCE CAROL

SHE WAS LOVED AS A BABY.

- WHAT'S THIS LITTLE COUCH FOR?

- OH, IT GOES WITH THAT BOX.

THAT LITTLE--YEAH.

IT'S CAROL'S FIRST PSYCHIATRY KIT.

- WOW! IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.

IT'S GOTTA LITTLE NOTEBOOK, AND A FAKE BEARD AND--

HEY!

WHAT ARE THESE PICTURES OF THESE NAKED WOMEN

DOING IN HERE?

- CHARLEY, THOSE ARE INK BLOTS.

- TO YOU MAYBE.

- HERE'S THE LAB REPORT.

MR. GARRISON. IT'S GOOD NEWS.

- YES, IT IS.

PHEW! NOW COMES THE HARD PART.

I GOTTA APOLOGIZE.

MR. GARRISON.

I HAVE YOU'RE TEST RESULTS, AND, UM,

- OH, MY GOD.

- OH, NO! NO!

NO, I WANNA APOLOGIZE FOR TURNING YOU AWAY THE OTHER DAY.

- LET ME HAVE IT STRAIGHT. HOW LONG DO I HAVE?

- ABOUT 50 YEARS.

- SO IT'S ONE OF THOSE SLOW DEGENERATIVE THINGS?

- YOU'RE PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU'RE A HYPOCHONDRIAC.

IT'S A DISEASE.

- JUST WHAT I NEED, ANOTHER ONE.

- HEY, MR. GARRISON, WHERE YOU GOING?

- I HAVE A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.

- OH.

WELL, THAT MUST BE A LOAD OFF YOUR MIND.

- I LUCKED OUT...THIS TIME.

- YEAH. SO, YOU PLANNING ON A NEXT TIME?

- NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- WELL, YOU BETTER,

BECAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE ANOTHER MISTAKE.

FOR YOU, FOR ME, FOR EVERY DOCTOR.

WE'RE HUMAN.

DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF!

THAT'S MY JOB.

YOU'RE A DAMN GOOD DOCTOR.

THE BEST I'VE EVER WORKED WITH.

- REALLY?

- ACTUALLY, NO.

I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE LEONARD SCHNELL,

BUT YOU'RE RIGHT UP THERE WITH HIM.

COME ON, JUST LIGHTEN UP A LITTLE.

- THANKS, HARRY.

GUESS I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.

- GOOD GIRL. [intercom buzzing]

LET ME GET THIS.

YES, LAVERNE?

YEAH--YEAH. NO, PUT HIM THROUGH.

IT'S KENNY FINNEGAN.

THE MIME.

- OH! MIND IF I TALK TO HIM?

I WAS A LITTLE SHORT WITH HIM THE OTHER DAY.

- HERE YOU GO.

- HELLO, MR. FINNEGAN, HOW ARE YOU?

HELLO?

HELLO?

DAMN IT! SAY SOMETHING, YOU BONEHEADED MUTANT!

- CAROL?

I CAME ACROSS SOMETHING I THINK YOU'LL FIND

VERY, VERY INTERESTING.

IT'S YOUR MOTHER'S DIARY.

- I'VE ALREADY READ IT.

- YOU'VE READ IT?

- YEAH, ENOUGH TO KNOW I WASN'T WANTED.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- DADDY, I KNOW ALL ABOUT MOM GETTING PREGNANT,

AND YOU BEING IN MEDICAL SCHOOL,

AND YOUR PRECIOUS EDSEL.

I CAME ALONG AND MESSED EVERYTHING UP.

- WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT--HEY!

LISTEN. WAIT A MINUTE!

YOU MAY HAVE BEEN UNPLANNED, BUT YOU WERE NEVER UNWANTED.

- YEAH, SURE.

- READ THIS.

- I'VE READ ENOUGH.

- OBVIOUSLY NOT.

YOUR MOTHER WROTE THIS TO YOU

THE DAY BEFORE YOU WERE BORN.

HERE.

- "DEAR BABY,

"I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE

"WAITING FOR YOU TO ARRIVE.

"I WISH YOU'D HURRY.

"I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE,

"AND YOUR FATHER,

"DOCTOR-PLEASE-LIBBY I'M-A-PROFESSIONAL,

IS A NERVOUS WRECK."

- I WASN'T NERVOUS, I WAS EAGER.

OKAY, I WAS AN EAGER WRECK.

- "WE HAVEN'T MET YET,

"BUT I FEEL CLOSER TO YOU THAN I EVER KNEW WAS POSSIBLE.

"I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN IT HAPPENED,

"BUT SOMEHOW, MAGICALLY,

"YOU WERE NO LONGER THIS THING

"GROWING INSIDE MY BODY,

"BUT MY VERY OWN BEAUTIFUL BABY,

AND NOW I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT MAKES ME CRY."

- SHE ABSOLUTELY ADORED YOU.

- OH, DADDY. - COME HERE, COME HERE.

- I'M SO SORRY.

I'VE BEEN DRIVING BOTH OF US CRAZY.

I JUST--

I WISH THAT I COULD BOND WITH MY LITTLE FETAL PERSON.

OOH! - WHAT?

- I DON'T--WHOO!

- WHAT--WHAT--WHAT, WHAT'S WRONG?

- IT'S--IT'S--IT'S THE BABY.

- WHAT--WHAT--WHAT ABOUT THE BABY?

- IT'S--IT'S MOVING.

THE-- MY BABY'S KICKING.

IT'S MY BABY.

MY BABY! FEEL IT!

OOH! - I FELT IT!

I'M A GRANDPA!

- DEAR BABY, I KNOW YOU CAN'T READ YET,

THOUGH I HOPE YOU WILL BY THE FIRST GRADE.

NOT THAT I'M PUTTING PRESSURE ON YOU,

ALTHOUGH IT WOULD MAKE ME VERY PROUD.

ANYWAY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,

ALTHOUGH FREUD SAYS THAT LOVE CAN BE A SUBSTITUTE

FOR SOME UNATTAINED EGO IDEAL,

BECOMING A WAY OF SATISFYING ONE'S OWN NARCISSISM.

BUT WHAT DOES FREUD KNOW?

LOVE...

MOMMY.

- HI DR. DOUGLAS.

IT'S ME.

- THE MIME!

- EX MIME.

I GAVE UP ALL THAT NONSENSE.

- WELL, THANK GOODNESS.

[doll talking] - HE'S A VENTRILOQUIST NOW!

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