Original subtitles

- WHO'S NEXT? [all shouting at once]

- PEOPLE, PLEASE, SIT.

- A BIT DIFFERENT FROM OUR PEDIATRIC PRACTICE, HM?

- THEY LAW-- THIS PLACE IS A MADHOUSE.

WHAT WE NEED IS ANOTHER ME.

- YOU DON'T KNOW ANOTHER YOU, DO YOU?

- YOU WISH.

ALL RIGHT, MS. SANCHEZ, GO ALONG TO EXAM ROOM ONE.

- COME ON.

- NOW THE REST OF YOU PEOPLE LISTEN UP.

I'M AS TIRED A-WRANGLIN' YOU ALL AS YOU ARE OF WAITIN',

SO LET'S ESTABLISH SOME KIND OF ORDER HERE.

YOU'RE NEXT TO SEE THE DOCTOR.

THEN YOU.

THEN YOU. GOT IT?

[all murmur]

- GREAT. - NEXT.

[all shouting at once] - FREEZE!

SIT!

LORD, I HOPE THAT SEAT YOU'RE SAVIN' FOR ME

IS A BIG OL' BARCALOUNGER.

DOCTOR, COULD I SPEAK TO YOU CANDIDLY?

- DO YOU KNOW ANY OTHER WAY?

- WHAT WE NEED AROUND HERE ARE SOME RULES,

A PLAN, A SYSTEM.

- WE'VE GOT ONE.

FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE.

- W-W-WELL, THAT'S FINE.

UNTIL IT STARTS GETTIN' BUSY AND THEN IT'S MORE CONFUSIN'

THAN SORTIN' OUT THE IN-LAWS AT AN ARKANSAS WEDDIN'.

- IF YOU'VE GOT A SUGGESTION FOR THE CLINIC--

- WELL, MAYBE JUST A COUPLE.

- FINE. GO FOR IT.

- HEY, YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

- W-W-WON'T REGRET WHAT?

- OH, NOTHING. LAVERNE JUST HAD SOME IDEAS.

- WHAT IDEAS?

- SHE OFFERED TO COME UP WITH A SYSTEM FOR THE CLINIC.

- PLEASE, GOD, TELL ME YOU SAID NO.

- NO, I TOLD HER TO GO FOR IT.

- OH, GOD. MAXINE!

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?

THAT WOMAN DOESN'T HAVE AN OFF SWITCH.

SHE'S A RUNAWAY TRAIN, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TO STOP,

SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO STOP, SHE DOESN'T...

SHE DOESN'T WANNA STOP.

- HARRY, CHILL OUT.

WHY ARE YOU CARRYING ON LIKE THIS?

- I'M SCARED.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO MAD.

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO THAT STUPID RESTAURANT

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE STILL HAS A DRESS CODE.

- IT'S NOT JUST THE JACKET AND TIE THING.

IT'S NOT JUST THE LIVING IN THE GARAGE THING.

IT'S THE WHOLE PETER PAN THING.

I'M TOO OLD TO BE DATING A MAN

WHO DOESN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR.

- YOU USED TO THINK IT WAS SEXY.

- THAT'S WHEN I THOUGHT IT MEANT YOU WERE WILD AND FREE.

NOW I KNOW YOU JUST CAN'T GET IT TOGETHER TO DO LAUNDRY.

IT'S JUST THAT I WANT US TO GET ON WITH OUR LIVES.

I WANT OUR OWN HOME.

I WANT KIDS.

- I WANT THOSE THINGS, TOO.

JUST AS SOON AS WE CAN AFFORD THEM.

- PATRICK, I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING

THAT I DON'T THINK ANYONE HAS EVER SAID TO YOU BEFORE.

LISTEN CAREFULLY.

GET...A...JOB.

- OKAY, DREYF, BREAKFAST. COME ON, BOY. DREYF.

[thud]

- WHO CALLED THE DAMN DOG?

- SOPHIA, ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO, I'M OLD.

BY THE WAY, YOU'VE GOT ONE HORNY MUTT THERE.

- DREYFUSS?

- AS SOON AS WE GOT OUT OF THE GATE,

HE BOLTED UP THE HILL AND DIDN'T STOP

UNTIL WE WERE ON TOP OF MR. SILVERMAN'S POODLE.

- SO, ANY SPARKS BETWEEN YOU AND SILVERMAN?

- NOTHING. THE DOG GOT MORE ACTION THAN I DID.

- GOOD MORNING.

- NOT GOOD MORNING, DADDY, GREAT MORNING.

PATRICK HAS A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. OH, OH, OH.

A JOB?

PA-PATRICK ARCOLA IS-IS-IS GOING FOR A JOB?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S FOR ASSISTANT MANAGER OF AN ART MUSEUM GIFT SHOP.

- THIS IS OUR PATRICK ARCOLA?

AND THIS JOB PAYS, PAYS MONEY?

- YES, DADDY. - OH, GOD--

PATRICK! HEY!

CONGRATULATIONS. THIS IS A MOMENTOUS OCCASION.

- RELAX, HARRY. I DON'T HAVE THE JOB YET.

- YEAH, BUT YOU TIED YOUR OWN TIE.

- NUH-UH.

SO, HOW DO I LOOK?

- YOU BETTER LET ME PICK SOMETHING OUT FOR YOU.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS?

- DRAB, DRAB, DRAB.

HONEY, IT'S A MUSEUM JOB. YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE COMPETING WITH GAY MEN.

- HELLO.

WELCOME TO THE NEW, IMPROVED CANAL STREET MEDICAL CLINIC.

IF YOU ARE SEEKING MEDICAL ATTENTION,

PLEASE SIGN IN, SNAP A NUMBER AND SIT.

- I'VE BEEN COMING HERE FOR THREE YEARS.

I NEVER HAD TO TAKE A NUMBER.

- THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE HERE BLT.

- BLT?

- BEFORE LAVERNE TODD.

NOW, SIGN, SNAP, SIT OR GIT.

- ALL RIGHT, COME ON NOW.

YOU PUT ICE ON IT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

THAT SHOULD HELP WITH THE SWELLING. BYE-BYE.

ALL RIGHT. SO, WHO DO WE HAVE NEXT HERE?

ALL RIGHT. I CAN'T READ THAT NAME.

- THEN JUST CALL THE NUMBER.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF THE SYSTEM.

PATIENT NUMBER 12.

- OH, OKAY. HERE WE GO.

- I GOTTA SEE A DOCTOR. - SIGN IN AND SNAP A NUMBER--

- I-I-I THINK IT'S SERIOUS.

- EVERYBODY'S A DOCTOR.

- YOU COME RIGHT WITH ME.

MR. VOGLE, HERE, YOU HOLD ON TO THAT. COME ON IN.

- HOLD IT! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE BEFORE THAT GUY.

- MR. VOGLE, YOU ARE A SCRATCHY THROAT.

THAT MAN WAS AN EMERGENCY.

- I DON'T CARE. YOU CALLED MY NUMBER.

YOU SAID WE GO BY NUMBERS. - OH, PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

THE DOCTOR WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

- SHOOT.

- UH, DOCTOR DOUGLAS.

I THINK WE'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM HERE.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I JUST NEED TO TWEAK THE SYSTEM.

- WHAT PROBLEM? THE EMERGENCY SHOULD GO FIRST.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. - WELL, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS.

THEN IT SPINS OUT OF CONTROL.

I MEAN, D'YOU SEE JURASSIC PARK?

- NO.

- THIS GUY HAS THIS ISLAND.

AND THEN HE GETS THIS TEST TUBE, LIKE--

- LAVERNE. LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

- I WILL NOT FAIL YOU.

AND I KNOW JUST WHERE TO START.

- I NEED A SET OF X-RAYS. WHERE'S LAVERNE GOING?

- OH, SHE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. SHE'S WORKING ON HER SYSTEM.

SAYS SHE'S GONNA FINE-TUNE IT.

- SHE-SHE DIDN'T USE THE WORD "TWEAK," DID SHE?

- WHAT IF SHE DID?

- DID YOU SEE JURASSIC PARK?

- SO, HOW'D IT GO?

- NOT BAD.

- HOW NOT BAD?

- WELL, THEY OFFERED ME THE JOB.

- [shrieking]

OH, HONEY! OH, THAT'S GREAT!

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

- I WAS PRETTY PROUD OF MYSELF, TOO.

- A REAL JOB. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

A STEADY INCOME, MEDICAL INSURANCE.

A PENSION PLAN.

- WEARING A JACKET.

CLIPPING ON A TIE EVERY DAY.

BEING A COMPETITIVE COG IN SOME BUREAUCRATIC MACHINE.

- YOU TURNED IT DOWN, DIDN'T YOU?

- I HAD TO.

- GET OUT.

- WHAT?

- GO.

- OKAY. FINE.

IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE.

- NO. I WANT YOU TO GO FARTHER THAN THAT.

- THE CABANA?

- I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.

- OH, CAROL. COME ON, BABY.

YOU DON'T MEAN THAT. YOU'RE JUST MAD.

- NO. THAT'S THE WEIRD THING. I'M NOT MAD.

IT'S JUST THAT I FINALLY SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

AND YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GROW UP.

NOW, GET OUT OF MY DADDY'S HOUSE.

- NEXT. [all shouting at once]

- BE SEATED!

DOCTOR, PLEASE, THE SYSTEM.

- LAVERNE,

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.

COULDN'T WE JUST CUT THROUGH ALL THIS?

- DOCTOR, WORK WITH THE SYSTEM.

THE SYSTEM WILL WORK FOR YOU.

- OKAY. THE SYSTEM.

THREE RED.

- SIT, SIT, SIT.

POINT OF PROCEDURE, DOCTOR.

BEST TO SAY "RED THREE."

HELPS THOSE WHO ARE NOT THINKING TOO CLEARLY

TO BE IN TOUCH WITH COLOR FIRST AND NUMBER SECOND.

- I'M GONNA SMACK YOU.

- OKAY. NEXT!

[all shouting at once] - STOP.

DOCTOR, PLEASE--

- AH, YES, YES, YES. I'M SORRY.

THE SYSTEM.

WHAT A COLORFUL SYSTEM IT IS.

IF ONLY I KNEW HOW IT WORKED.

- WELL, THAT'S OBVIOUS, HARRY.

BY SEPARATING THE PATIENTS INTO COLORS,

LAVERNE IS ABLE TO...

EXACTLY WHAT IS IT YOU ARE ABLE TO DO?

- PRIORITIZE AT A GLANCE,

ACCORDING TO URGENCY OF SYMPTOMS.

REDS BEFORE YELLOWS, YELLOWS BEFORE GREENS, GREENS LAST.

UNLESS THEY'VE EXCEEDED 30 MINUTES' WAITING TIME,

IN WHICH CASE THEY TAKE PRECEDENCE

OVER YOUR LESS PAINFUL YELLOWS.

NOW. IT'S ALL IN THE MANUAL.

- A MANUAL?

- READ IT, LEARN IT.

MAKE IT A PART OF YOU.

PATIENT YELLOW TWO.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE ORANGE LINE TO EXAM ROOM ONE.

MR. VOGLE.

PLEASE FOLLOW THE WHITE LINE TO THE NURSE'S DESK.

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - MR. VOGLE,

YOU WERE DESIGNATED GREEN, YOU CANNOT SIT IN THE RED.

- CAN I SIT IN THE YELLOW? - YELLOW IS CONTAGIOUS.

- IF I LICK A YELLOW, CAN I SIT IN THE RED?

- MR. VOGLE, FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU ARE A GREEN!

REDS AND YELLOWS BEFORE GREEN.

- REALLY?

ALL RIGHT. I'VE GOT A GREEN EIGHT

FOR A LOW RED-- I'LL THROW IN FIVE BUCKS.

- NO!

THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT TRANSFERABLE!

- I'LL GIVE YOU A YELLOW FOUR AND A FOOT MASSAGE.

- HEY, I'LL GIVE ANYONE A RED FOUR

FOR A KEY TO THE BATHROOM. [all shouting at once]

- OH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN!

I KNOW, I KNOW THERE'S A FEW BUGS IN THE SYSTEM,

BUT THE DOCTORS WILL GET TO ALL OF YOU,

RED, YELLOW, GREEN, TOO.

- OH, I'M GREEN TWO!

- OH, SIT DOWN. ALL OF YOU, JUST SIT DOWN.

I KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE THIS SYSTEM WORK.

A SUBSYSTEM.

- YOU SWITCHED HER ON.

YOU SWITCH HER OFF.

- HARRY, DO YOU EVER WONDER ABOUT THINGS?

- NOT THE THINGS YOU WONDER ABOUT.

[telephone ringing]

- THERE'S PATRICK AGAIN.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GET IT THIS TIME?

- PLEASE, BE MY GUEST.

- HARRY'S HEARTBREAK HOTEL.

WHY, HELLO, PATRICK. WHAT A SURPRISE.

I'LL TELL HER YOU CALLED.

- I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED ABOUT CAROL.

SHE WAS KIND OF SICK LAST NIGHT.

YOU KNOW, SHE MAY BE TAKING THIS BREAKUP WITH PATRICK

A WHOLE LOT HARDER THAN WE THINK.

- FLAP, SHUFFLE, BALL CHANGE.

FLAP, SHUFFLE, BALL CHANGE. FLAP, SHUFFLE, BALL CHANGE.

YOU KNOW, DADDY,

I'D FORGOTTEN HOW MUCH I LOVE TO TAP.

- I THINK WE ALL HAD, DEAR.

- BUT SINCE PATRICK'S BEEN GONE,

I'VE REDISCOVERED ALL SORTS OF FASCINATING THINGS ABOUT...

ME.

DADDY, HAVE YOU EVER FELT SO UNENCUMBERED,

SO FREE OF THE WEIGHT OF ANOTHER PERSON

DRAGGING YOU DOWN?

- NO, DEAR. I HAVEN'T.

SO YOU'RE FEELING A LOT BETTER TODAY, ARE YOU?

- OH, MUCH BETTER, DADDY. THANK YOU.

DADDY, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?

TEA FOR TWO AND TWO FOR TEA

ME FOR YOU AND YOU FOR ME

OH, HOW HAPPY WE COULD BE

TOGETHER!

- LAVERNE. IT'S AFTER 9:00.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO LATE?

- WELL, LIKE ANY GOOD ENGINE,

THE SYSTEM NEEDS SOME TORQUIN'.

- YOU KNOW?

I USED TO HAVE THIS '67 MUSTANG.

IT WAS BEAT TO HELL, BUT, PFFT, COULD THAT DOG RUN.

- HMM, I HAD A PICKUP LIKE THAT.

COULDN'T KILL IT WITH A BULLET.

- AND THEN I GOT OUT OF MED SCHOOL

AND I DECIDED TO TRADE IT IN FOR ANOTHER CAR.

POWER PACKAGE, FUEL INJECTION, TURBOCHARGED.

- SOUNDS LIKE A BEAUTY. - IT'S A PIECE OF CRAP.

THE POINT IS...

I DIDN'T NEED ALL THOSE OPTIONS.

I NEEDED A SIMPLE, SOLID DRIVING MACHINE.

- DOCTOR, I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOIN' WITH THIS,

BUT JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME.

- NO MORE TIME, LAVERNE.

NO MORE TORQUIN', NO MORE TUNIN', NO MORE TWEAKIN'.

- HOW ABOUT A LITTLE TINKER?

- LAVERNE, IT'S OVER.

- I GUESS I MESSED THINGS UP A LITTLE, HUH?

- DON'T SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

YOU MESSED THINGS UP A LOT.

AND I APPRECIATE IT. - COME AGAIN?

- LAVERNE, I SAW MORE PATIENTS TODAY

THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE.

I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING TO USING YOUR NUMBERS.

- WHAT ABOUT THE COLORS AND THE TAPE?

- HEY, DON'T PUSH IT.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS YOU CARED ENOUGH TO TRY.

- OF COURSE.

I'M A PERFECTIONIST.

I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT RIGHT.

I WANNA BE THE BEST NURSE YOU EVER HAD.

- LAVERNE, YOU ARE THE BEST NURSE I EVER HAD.

- NOW, YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

- YEAH.

YOU JUST NEED A LITTLE TWEAKIN'.

- WELL, THOSE PAPERS FROM COMMUNITY MED

AIN'T ARRIVED YET. - THAT'S BEEN OVER A WEEK.

YOU'RE KIDDING. NOW I HAVE TO CALL

THAT MORON ADMINISTRATOR. WHAT'S THE EXTENSION?

- ONE, ONE, THREE, ONE.

CASEY MACAFEE, COMMUNITY MED'S NEWEST MORON.

- OH, YOU.

I-I-I-I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THE MORON.

I-I-I-I DIDN'T MEAN "MORON" IN THE, IN THE IDIOT SENSE,

I MEANT "MORON" IN THE SENSE OF MORE ON THIS LATER.

I'M NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS, AM I?

- WELL, I'LL LET YOU OFF THE HOOK THIS TIME, DOCTOR,

BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU REMIND ME OF MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART.

- WILD GUESS, SHE DATED HER PRINCIPAL?

- ANYWAY, HERE'S THAT MEDICAID PAPERWORK

YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR. - OH, WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BRING IT OVER,

YOU COULD HAVE JUST FAXED IT.

- WELL, I ALWAYS LIKE TO ADD A PERSONAL TOUCH.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S NICER?

- OH, YEAH, I DO. IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

WELL, EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE IN ITS RIGHT PLACE.

- I'M SO GLAD YOU NOTICED.

- NO, I MEAN, I MEAN, I MEAN,

EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE PERFECTLY FILLED OUT.

I-I-I-I-I MEAN YOUR FORM.

BOY, I MEAN THE FORM, THE FORM.

- WELL, DOCTOR, I THINK I HAVE TO BE RUNNING ALONG.

AND REMEMBER, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

ONE, ONE, THREE, ONE.

CALL ME. BEEP ME. FAX ME.

- MM-HMM.

SOMEBODY'S ITCHIN' FOR A HOUSE CALL.

- OH, LAVERNE. DON'T BE SILLY.

MISS MACAFEE WAS JUST BEING FRIENDLY.

THERE'S ACTUALLY NOTHING TO IT.

ONE, ONE, THREE, ONE. ONE, ONE...

- SPINSTER'S VIDEO DATING TAPE.

AND ACTION.

- HI, I'M CAROL WESTON. I'M IN MY LATE 20s.

- YEAH, AND I'M DARTH VADER.

- I ENJOY TAP DANCING, ARCHERY,

BERTOLT BRECHT, AND BIKE RIDING.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS GONNA GET YOU?

A YUTZ.

- I'VE JUST COME OFF A VERY DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIP,

WHICH HAS LEFT ME EMOTIONALLY DRAINED,

BUT PSYCHOLOGICALLY REFRESHED.

[doorbell ringing]

BE RIGHT BACK.

- HI. SOPHIA PETRILLO HERE.

I'M IN MY EXTREMELY LATE 30s.

AND I'M STILL A GREAT KISSER.

TEETH OPTIONAL.

- FLOWERS FOR CAROL WESTON.

- AH, MORE FLOWERS FROM PATRICK.

- CARE I?

- I'LL TAKE THEM FOR THE FUNERAL.

- WHO DIED? - NO ONE YET.

I'M JUST PLAYING THE ODDS.

- WELL, I'M GLAD TO BE RID OF THEM.

AND PATRICK, TOO.

- AHA, NO SECOND THOUGHTS?

- NONE, DADDY. I FEEL GREAT.

EXCEPT FOR OCCASIONAL LIGHT-HEADEDNESS

AND RECURRING NAUSEA. OH.

- OH, HONEY.

I THINK YOU'RE HEARTBROKEN OVER THIS THING WITH PATRICK.

- NO, DADDY.

THIS IS THE NEW CAROL YOU'RE TALKING TO.

READY TO MOVE ON.

FOOTLOOSE.

FANCY-FREE.

AND VERY DIZZY.

- DIZZY? - BUT NOT HEARTBROKEN.

- WELL, CAROL, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE DIZZINESS,

THE LIGHT-HEADEDNESS, THE NAUSEA?

- HELLO?

SOME DOCTOR YOU ARE.

THE SPINSTER'S NOT HEARTBROKEN.

SHE'S KNOCKED UP.

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