Original subtitles

- GOOD MORNING, LAVERNE. - OH, LORDY.

- WHAT'S--WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- I'M JUST A DAMN FOOL TO DO IT.

I'M JUST A DAMN FOOL.

- TO--TO DO WHAT? - SET YOU UP

ON A BLIND DATE WITH MY FRIEND ELLEN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU MAY GO OUT WITH HER,

BUT ONLY ON THE CONDITION

YOU DON'T PLY HER WITH ANY MANNER OF LIQUOR

OR PEDIATRIC SEDATIVE.

- WHAT BLIND DATE? LAVERNE, I DO NOT NEED

TO BE FIXED UP--THANK YOU. - OH, REALLY?

I HAVEN'T NOTICED IT'S EXACTLY BEATLEMANIA OUT THERE FOR YOU.

- LAVERNE, THERE IS NO DATE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON ANYWAY?

- WELL, LET'S SEE.

SHE'S UNBELIEVABLY ATTRACTIVE.

NO HELP THERE.

OKAY.

SHE JUST MOVED HERE FROM BOSTON.

SHE DEVOTES HER LIFE TO CHARITY.

SHE'S BRIGHT, WITTY, URBANE.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. CAME UP EMPTY.

OKAY, HEY, FORGET I EVER MENTIONED IT.

- FINE. - OH, COME ON, DOCTOR!

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LIKE HER. IT CAN'T HURT NOTHIN'.

- LAVERNE, I DON'T KNOW. - GOOD.

YOU'LL HAVE DINNER AT MY HOUSE BEFORE THE CONCERT.

IT'LL BE REAL CASUAL. BE THERE AT 7:00 SHARP.

AND I BETTER NOT SMELL ANY MUSK ON YOU, DOCTOR,

'CAUSE I KNOW WHAT THAT'S ALL ABOUT.

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE, WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S PUT THIS COMPUTER PROGRAM

THROUGH ITS PACES.

HELLO, ISABELLE.

THIS IS CHARLEY DIETZ.

YOU REMEMBER ME. WE MET AT THE...

AIRPORT HOTEL COCKTAIL LOUNGE.

[chuckles] HOW COULD I FORGET YOUR GORGEOUS...

RED HAIR, BLUE EYES...

AND UNEVEN HOOTERS.

UH, OH, UH...

HELLO? HELLO?

- HEY, CHARLEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- A FRIEND IN PERSONNEL NEEDS A COCKTAIL WAITRESS

FOR OUR NEXT CRUISE.

I JUST COMPUTERIZED MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK,

SO THE HONEY HUNT WAS NEVER EASIER.

- CONGRATULATIONS, CHARLEY.

YOU'RE THE FIRST HIGH-TECH NEANDERTHAL.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW THOROUGH THIS PROGRAM IS.

- IT'S THE HOTTEST DATE-BOOK PROGRAM ON THE MARKET--

WILT CHAMBERLAIN'S SLAM DUNK BABE ORGANIZER

AND TAX PLANNER.

- HEY. - EMILY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- OH, I JUST RAN DOWN THE 7-ELEVEN TO PICK UP

A FEW THINGS WE NEEDED.

- THE SEVEN AND ELEVEN? WHAT THINGS?

TOILET PAPER FOR $3.29. NO, EMILY! NO!

I HAD A COUPON.

IT'S A DOLLAR OFF, WHICH GETS DOUBLED

AT THE BISCAYNE GROCERY-- DOUBLED, EMILY,

WHICH MEANS IT'S ALMOST FREE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE GETTING TOILET PAPER FOR FREE?

IT'S--IT'S BETTER THAN SEX.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU KNOW, CAROL, EVER SINCE DAD LEFT YOU

IN CHARGE OF HOUSEHOLD FINANCES, YOU HAVE BEEN INSANE--

COUPONS, GENERICS, USING THE SAME TEA BAG ALL DAY.

- DADDY--DADDY PLACED HIS TRUST IN ME

TO RUN THIS HOUSEHOLD EFFICIENTLY.

WHY IS THERE CHANGE IN THE BOTTOM OF THIS BAG?

- [gasps] YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

- WELL, I THREW IT IN THERE. I ALWAYS DO.

- AND YOU CALL ME INSANE?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST HAND IT TO THE GARBAGE MAN?

AND, LOOK, ONE OF THESE QUARTERS IS A BICENTENNIAL.

YOU KNOW I COLLECT BICENTENNIAL QUARTERS, EMILY.

HOW COULD YOU? - OKAY, YOU'VE DONE IT!

YOU'VE OFFICIALLY DRIVEN ME OUT OF MY MIND!

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

- NO. I HAVEN'T SEEN CAROL HAPPY SINCE...

I'VE NEVER SEEN CAROL HAPPY.

- YOU DO REMEMBER ME.

FABULOUS.

YOU WANTED TO MARRY ME?

COULD YOU HOLD FOR A SECOND?

UH-OH, HELP ME OUT, WILT.

OH, YEAH. [scoffs] MY FAVORITE.

SORRY, BUT YOU'RE JUST TOO MUCH WOMAN FOR ME.

THAT'S RIGHT. BYE, NOW.

OOH, THAT REALLY SHUTS THEM DOWN.

BUT THAT WAS MY LAST SHOT TO GET SOMEBODY FOR THIS JOB.

- JOB? - YEAH, HE'S LOOKING

FOR A COCKTAIL WAITRESS FOR THE NEXT CRUISE.

- CHARLEY, YOU'VE JUST FOUND ONE.

LOOK, I'VE WAITRESSED BEFORE,

AND I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET AWAY FROM CAROL.

TAKE ME, PLEASE. TAKE ME, TAKE ME, TAKE ME.

- INTERESTING. THOSE WORDS SOUND SO DIFFERENT

COMING OUT OF A SOBER WOMAN.

HI, FOLKS, ENJOY THE CRUISE.

EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS GONNA SOUND CORNY, BUT...

HONEST TO GOD,

YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHIP.

IN FACT, YOUR BEAUTY'S INSPIRED ME TO WRITE A POEM.

"TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR...

LET ME PAT YOUR NICE BEHIND."

[scoffs]

HI.

[coughing]

- HEY, CHARLEY.

OKAY, SO THAT'S TWO MAI TAIS

AND A GLOOM LIFTER.

- HI, EMILY. JUST TOOK A LITTLE TIME OFF

FROM MY JOB TO SEE YOU.

- CHARLEY, WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR JOB?

- MAINLY...

I HAVE KEYS.

- KEYS.

- YEAH, I'VE GOT ACCESS TO EVERY PART OF THE SHIP,

INCLUDING THE MOST IMPORTANT, TECHNICAL PARTS,

LIKE THE ROOM WITH THE BIG WAGON WHEEL

THAT MAKES THE BOAT GO LEFT OR RIGHT.

- I-ISN'T THAT THE BRIDGE?

- [chuckling] NO, EMILY.

YOU'RE SUCH A LAND LADY.

NO, THE BRIDGE IS THE THING WE GO UNDER

WHEN WE TOOT THE STEAMY THING.

- HEY, CHARLEY. - HEY, ALAN.

LISTEN, HE'S THE COMIC. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS GUY.

ALAN, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY NEIGHBOR EMILY WESTON.

- HI, EMILY. - HI.

- WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR? [both laughing]

- I'M KIND OF BUSY.

- AH, THAT'S WHAT CHARO SAID, UNTIL SHE SAW MY SHOW.

I STILL HAVE CASTANET MARKS ALL OVER MY BODY!

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

DIRECT FROM THE WACKY SHACK IN BRANSON, MISSOURI,

THE COMEDY STYLINGS OF ALAN HARDY.

- [laughing] - OKAY!

- THIS GUY'S INCREDIBLY FUNNY.

- GOOD EVENING. IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

WHAT A SPECIAL TREAT WE HAVE FOR YOU TONIGHT,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BECAUSE RIGHT HERE AT TABLE TWO

WE HAVE WHALE WATCHING FOR YOU, OKAY?

[laughter]

- WHALE WATCHING-- IT JUST GETS FUNNIER EVERY TIME.

- OH, YEAH, HE'S A REAL CHARMER.

- HEY, LADY, SMACK HIM ON THE BACK,

MAYBE HE'LL COUGH UP JONAH, OKAY?

[laughter]

- JONAH.

WHO'S JONAH?

- NOW, TONIGHT, AT 8:00 P.M., THE S.S. OCEAN QUEEN

IS PLEASED TO OFFER MULE RIDES

DOWN SALLY'S CLEAVAGE. HO!

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AND REMEMBER...

PEACE AND LOVE ARE THE ONLY THINGS

THAT CAN BRING US ALL TOGETHER.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! OKAY.

GOOD NIGHT. DRIVE CAREFULLY. HEY.

- OKAY, SO THAT'S ONE MAI TAI AND A STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRI.

- I'D LIKE TO ORDER ONE EMILY WESTON, PLEASE.

YOU CAN JUST DELIVER THAT TO MY ROOM

LATER THIS EVENING, OKAY?

- SORRY, ALAN, BAR'S CLOSED, OKAY?

- HERE'S A RIDDLE.

WHAT COUGHS AND MAKES LOVE LIKE A TIGER?

- I GIVE UP. - [coughs]

ROOM 424.

MIDNIGHT TO 1:00 WILL DO JUST FINE.

- OH, SHOOT.

I THOUGHT I COULD CATCH THE END OF ALAN'S SHOW.

- HMM. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY.

- DON'T YOU THINK HE'S FUNNY?

- I THINK HE'S AN UGLY, OFFENSIVE BOAR.

CHARLEY, HE'S BEEN COMING ON TO ME NONSTOP THE LAST TWO DAYS.

- [laughing] THAT'S ALAN FOR YOU.

HEY, DID HE DO "WHAT COUGHS AND MAKES LOVE LIKE A TIGER"?

- YES.

- THAT'S MINE.

- NOW, IF ANYTIME, YOU SEE ME POINT TO MY TEETH

THAT MEANS THERE'S SOMETHIN' STUCK IN YOURN.

- LAVERNE, WILL YOU-- WILL YOU STOP IT, PLEASE?

I KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE WITH A LADY.

- I'M SORRY. I'M JUST NERVOUS 'CAUSE IT'S ELLEN.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA LOVE HER.

SHE'S WISE AND WARM. SHE'S JUST PLAIN WONDERFUL.

I GUESS THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE 'EM THERE IN BOSTON.

[doorbell rings] OH! THERE SHE IS!

SUCK IT IN! SUCK IT IN!

ELLEN.

OH, THANK YOU FOR COMIN'.

LOOKY HERE, HERE'S THE DOCTOR.

- HELLO, ELLEN, I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. HARRY WESTON.

- HOWDY. IT'S A RIGHT PLEASURE.

- HOW--HOWDY?

- OOH-WEE, THAT TRAFFIC WAS SOMETHIN' AWFUL.

I FELT LIKE A WORM IN A BAIT BIN.

- [chuckling]

- OOH--OOH--OOH-WHEE.

ELLEN, I-I THOUGHT LAVERNE SAID YOU WERE FROM, UH, BOSTON.

- YES, SIREE, BOSTON, MISSISSIPPI...

[giggling]

HOME OF THE FOREMOST BODY-BAG COMPANY IN AMERICA.

- B-BODY BAGS. - YEP.

I'D SAY YOU'RE ABOUT A SIZE SEVEN.

[chuckles] ZIP.

- [laughs]

I JUST LOVE THAT BOSTON HUMOR. GET IT? ZIP.

[laughing]

- IT'S THE BEST BODY-BAG JOKE I EVER HEARD.

- COME ON, Y'ALL, NOW, Y'ALL SIT DOWN HERE ON THE COUCH.

NOW, BOSTON'S GOT A LOT OF HISTORY TO IT.

TELL THE DOCTOR ABOUT IT, ELLEN.

- EVERY YEAR WE CELEBRATE THE BOSTON TEA PARTY.

- I THOUGHT THAT WAS BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS.

- NO, OUR "T" STANDS FOR TABASCO--

CELEBRATES THE FACT THAT WE ARE NOT PART OF LOUISIANA.

WE ALL PUT ON OUR CRAWDAD MASK,

AND WE POUR TABASCO IN A SWAMP.

- WELL, THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING STORY.

- IT'S NOT OVER YET.

THEN WE THROW IN A PIG,

SYMBOLIZIN' A LOUISIANA POLITICIAN.

NOW, IF THAT PIG STICKS HIS HEAD UP,

IT MEANS WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE TWO WEEKS OF DEAD PIG ODOR.

- MUST BE HELL GETTING A HOTEL ROOM THAT WEEK.

- THAT WAS A JOKE, DOCTOR.

NOT REAL QUICK, IS HE?

[women laughing]

- LIKE A TURTLE ON A HIGHWAY.

[women laughing]

- SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- HEY, NEIGHBOR!

- [sighs] HELLO, ALAN.

- I'VE BEEN WORKING ON A NEW JOKE.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL ME

WHAT YOU THINK OF IT. - I HATE IT.

- IT'S ABOUT A VERY HOT, SENSUAL YOUNG LADY.

THE JOKE IS SHE DOESN'T GET IT.

BUT IF SHE'D JUST GIVE IN FOR THE BRIEFEST MOMENT,

SHE'D FINALLY GET A TASTE OF PARADISE.

- SMOOTH.

- WELL, THAT'S A VERY FUNNY JOKE.

I'LL SEE YOU, ALAN. - HEY, DON'T GO.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

I'M AS EXCITING AS A RIDE AT DISNEYLAND.

AND BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT A SMALL WORLD, OKAY?

- I THINK YOU'RE LIVING IN FANTASY LAND.

- YEAH, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU STICK AROUND AND FIND OUT?

- ALAN. - HEY, CHARLEY.

SHE'S FEISTY, HUH?

- LET HER GO, ALAN. - IT'S OKAY, CHARLEY.

- YEAH, WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, CHARLEY.

EMILY AND I NEED TO FINISH OUR DISCUSSION.

- MM, NO, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE DONE NOW.

- WHAT'S WITH YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN? GET LOST.

- NO. I-I'M NOT GONNA LEAVE MY FRIEND HERE WITH A CREEP.

- WATCH IT, DIETZ.

- SORRY.

DRUNK CREEP.

- YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, PAL.

- ALAN, THERE YOU ARE.

HEY, LISTEN, THE CAPTAIN WANTS TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT DOING A ROAST FOR THE FIRST MATE.

- OKAY! - OKAY.

- YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURS, DIETZ.

I'LL MEET YOU HERE TOMORROW AFTER THE SHOW.

- OH, PLEASE.

- I'M GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT FROM HERE TO PANAMA.

- PANAMA?

[scoffs] NO WAY I'M GOING TO EUROPE.

[knock at door]

[high-pitched voice] WHO IS IT?

- IT'S ME, CHARLEY. - [exhales deeply]

[high-pitched voice] BE RIGHT THERE.

[normal voice] HI.

- LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR STICKING UP FOR ME

WITH ALAN, BUT... YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING

OF FIGHTING THAT IDIOT TOMORROW NIGHT, ARE YOU?

- EMILY, I GUESS THERE'S GUYS OUT THERE THAT WOULD BACK OUT,

BUT I'M ONE OF THOSE

JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME/ JOE PISCOPO TYPES...

WHO DOES HIS TALKING WITH THESE.

- OH, SO-- SO YOU'VE FOUGHT BEFORE.

- HEY, IT'S A WAY OF LIFE.

IT'S WHAT I DO.

MY FISTS ARE REGISTERED WITH THE MARITIME...

FIST REGISTRY.

- UH-HUH. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I THINK

IT'S MORE COURAGEOUS FOR A MAN NOT TO FIGHT.

- EMILY, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

BUT I WANT TO HEAR A LOT MORE ABOUT IT.

- WELL, THINK ABOUT IT, CHARLEY.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA PROVE ANYTHING BY FIGHTING ALAN.

AND, BESIDES, HE COULD REALLY HURT YOU.

- WELL, OKAY.

AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO, FOR YOUR SAKE,

I-I WON'T FIGHT ALAN.

INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO DO THE ADULT, MATURE THING.

- YOU'RE GONNA TALK IT OUT WITH HIM?

- NO, I'M GONNA LAY LOW IN MY SECRET HIDEY-HOLE.

- YOU HAVE A HIDEY-HOLE? - MANY.

BUT THIS PLACE IS SO SECRET, I KNOW I'LL BE SAFE.

IT'S A LITTLE COLD, A LITTLE CRAMPED, BUT SAFE.

- HEY, CHARLEY, JUST THOUGHT I'D LET YOU KNOW,

IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT HIDING IN THE ICE-SCULPTURE MOLD,

I ALREADY NAILED IT SHUT. OKAY!

[door closes]

- I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT EMILY WAS TALKING ABOUT,

SAYING I GET ON HER NERVES.

AFTER ALL, SHE WAS THE ONE BUYING NECESSARIES

AT THE SEVEN AND ELEVEN.

- 7-ELEVEN.

- WHAT? - IT'S 7-ELEVEN.

YOU ALWAYS SAY, "SEVEN AND ELEVEN."

THERE'S NO "AND." IT'S JUST 7-ELEVEN.

- YOU HATE ME.

- NO, I DON'T.

- YES, YOU DO. CLEARLY, I GET ON YOUR NERVES TOO.

I BET YOU'VE BEEN SITTING ON THIS "SEVEN AND ELEVEN" THING

FOR WEEKS NOW WAITING TO BLOW UP AT ME ABOUT IT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DUMP ME RIGHT NOW?

- OH, CAROL, COME ON! LOOK, I LOVE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT. - OKAY.

- GOOD MORNING. - HI, DADDY.

- HEY, MORNING, HARRY. HOW DID THE DATE GO LAST NIGHT?

- NOT GREAT.

- HOW COME?

- OH, I GUESS SHE WAS SO PUSHY AND BOSSY AND STUBBORN.

- YOU WENT OUT WITH LAVERNE?

- IT FELT LIKE IT.

THE PROBLEM IS WHAT DO I TELL LAVERNE,

THAT I DON'T LIKE HER TYPE? THIS IS VERY TRICKY.

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TRY CHARLEY'S LINE?

JUST SAY, "I'M SORRY, BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH WOMAN FOR ME."

HE SAYS THEY NEVER ARGUE WITH IT.

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO, PATRICK. - DADDY, YOU JUST NEED

TO BE HONEST WITH LAVERNE. TELL HER THE TRUTH.

- I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT, DEAR. IT'S JUST THAT IT'S GONNA BE...

IT'S GONNA BE REAL TOUGH.

- DON'T WORRY, DADDY. LAVERNE IS AN ADULT.

SHE'S A MATURE, REASONABLE,

UNDERSTANDING...

JUST CALL IN SICK, DADDY.

- GOOD MORNING, LAVERNE.

- DOCTOR, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET TOO EXCITED,

BUT TRUTH IS ELLEN LIKED YOU A WHOLE LOT.

- YEAH, H-HOW NICE.

- SO THE QUESTION IS, WHEN DO WE SCHEDULE THE NEXT DATE?

- ABOUT THAT--

- AND THE ANSWER IS SATURDAY AT THE ZOO.

- LAVERNE, UM, I DON'T THINK,

UH, IT'S GONNA WORK OUT WITH ELLEN AND ME.

- WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?

- WELL, I-I-I-I-I...

WHAT I'M SAYING...

IS THAT--IS THAT I'M-- I'M NOT SURE

THAT SHE IS PERFECTLY SUITED TO ME.

- ELLEN IS THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

WHAT IS "NOT SUITED"?

- OH, JUST TINY THINGS, TINY THINGS, UH...

I MEAN, SHE SEEMS SOMEWHAT...

YOU KNOW, STRONG.

- WELL, I'M STRONG. THEY'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH THAT.

- UH-HUH, WELL, YEAH, I MEAN...

I MEAN, THERE-- THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

I MEAN, SHE'S...

SHE WAS ALSO A LITTLE, I DON'T KNOW,

KIND OF CONTROLLING.

- YOU NEED IT.

LORD KNOWS YOU APPRECIATE THAT IN ME.

- AND SOMEWHAT OPINIONATED. - A FINE QUALITY.

I SHARE IT WITH HER.

DOCTOR, IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER I'D SAY YOU THINK

ELLEN IS TOO MUCH LIKE ME.

- WELL, UH, ACTUALLY, LAVERNE...

THE TRUTH IS...

- I SEE.

- UH, LAVERNE...

- HEY, IT WAS WORTH A TRY.

- COME ON, LAVERNE, PLEASE, NOW...

- NOTHING LOST...

NOTHING GAINED.

- OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, I-I-I WASN'T BEING COMPLETELY HONEST

WITH YOU BACK THERE.

- NO? - NO, NO.

THE TRUTH IS, IS THAT ELLEN IS...

ELLEN IS...

TOO MUCH WOMAN FOR ME.

- WHAT? - YEAH, YEAH.

[stammering] SHE'S TOO MUCH WOMAN

FOR ME TO HANDLE.

- WELL, THAT IS THE FIRST THING FOR YOU TO SAY

THAT MADE SOME SENSE.

- WELL, FINE. SO THAT'S IT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THANKS, ANYWAY.

- AND HOW SPECIFICALLY IS ELLEN,

WHO YOU FIND SO MUCH LIKE ME, TOO MUCH WOMAN FOR YOU?

- WELL, UM...

YOU KNOW, SHE HAS A TREMENDOUS...

SEXUAL MAGNETISM, WHEREAS I--

- THEY LAW...

DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

YOU'D BE LIKE A LITTLE ITTY-BITTY PIECE

OF HAMBURGER IN THE SHARK POND.

- [sighs]

- CHARLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I DECIDED TO FIGHT.

- ARE YOU CRAZY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- WELL, I'LL TELL YOU. I WAS UP ALL NIGHT

THINKING ABOUT HOW ALAN CAME ON TO YOU.

REMEMBER WHEN HE SAID, "I'M AS EXCITING

AS A RIDE AT DISNEYLAND"?

- YEAH. - MINE.

IT MADE ME REALIZE I'M NO DIFFERENT THAN ALAN.

SURE, I'M A LITTLE MORE DEBONAIR,

A LITTLE MORE SOPHISTICATED AND...

PROBABLY MORE OF A BOOBY MAN...

BUT DEEP DOWN, I REALLY DON'T TREAT WOMEN

MUCH BETTER THAN HE DOES.

- OH, CHARLEY, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

COME ON. HE WAS ABOUT TO MANHANDLE ME.

YOU'D NEVER DO THAT.

- YEAH, BUT MAYBE THE WORDS ARE JUST AS BAD.

- WOW. WHAT, DID THE DALAI LAMA SIT NEXT TO YOU

AT THE WAFFLE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?

- YOU KNOW, STANDING UP TO ALAN

WAS THE FIRST TIME I'D EVER DONE ANYTHING BRAVE, AND...

IT FELT PRETTY GOOD.

SO HERE I AM.

- WELL, CHARLEY, I'M IMPRESSED WITH YOU.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU FIGHT.

- I HAVE TO.

NOW, GO ALONG. IT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.

I'M IN A VERY

DAVID CARRADINE/PAT MORITA KIND OF PLACE.

- DAMN IT, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO STUBBORN?

- HEY, I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND. NOW, GET OUT OF HERE.

- GOOD LUCK.

- GOOD-BYE.

WHAT AM I, CRAZY?

[siren blaring]

- ATTENTION. ABANDON SHIP. ABANDON SHIP.

EMERGENCY CODE RED HAS BEEN CALLED.

ABANDON SHIP.

- STAY CALM, FOLKS. MOVE SLOWLY.

GO FIND THE WOODEN SHIPS WITH THE...

ROW-Y STICKS.

HI.

[coughing]

HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

WHERE YOU FROM?

- BOSTON, MISSISSIPPI.

- IS THERE ANOTHER ONE?

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TAKE A TOUR OF THE SHIP

WITH A GUY WEARING THESE...

STRIPY THINGS.

- I DON'T THINK SO. - WHY NOT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE JUST TOO MUCH A MAN FOR ME.

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