Original subtitles

- GEE, HONEY, I'M SORRY YOU WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE,

BUT I'M, I'M REALLY NOT VERY HUNGRY.

- BUT DADDY, THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING

"GOOD MORNING, FAMILY.

"WAKE UP TO THE BOUNTY I'VE PROVIDED

THAT IS YOURS TO ENJOY."

- CAN'T YOU TALK NORMAL?

I MEAN, "HERE, FOOD, EAT."

WHEN PATRICK'S OUT OF TOWN, YOU REALLY RUN OUT OF THINGS TO DO.

- OH, EMILY, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

NOW, MAKE SURE YOU TRY MY POMEGRANATE PRESERVES.

I WAS UP TILL 3:00 DE-SEEDING.

- MAN, YOU NEED SEX.

- [mumbling]

- HI, WESTONS. - WELL, AT LEAST HERE'S SOMEONE,

PIGGISH THOUGH HE MAY BE, WHO APPRECIATES MY FOOD.

AND WHAT MAY I OFFER YOU

FROM OUR BOUNTY'S TABLE OF CULINARY DELIGHTS?

- NOTHIN'.

- COME NOW, CHARLIE, DON'T BE THE COY MOOCHER.

- NO, REALLY, NOTHING.

- TAKE SOME BOUNTY, DAMN IT!

- I CAN'T, I'M TOO EXCITED TO EAT.

MY MOM CALLED ME. - AND...

- THAT'S IT, SHE NEVER CALLED ME BEFORE.

- I TAKE IT YOU DON'T GET ALONG.

- WELL, IT'S GOT A LOT BETTER SINCE SHE STARTED ADMITTING

THAT I DIDN'T DIE AT BIRTH.

- SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE STARTING TO BOND.

- I'LL SAY, MOM AND DAD WILL BE HOPPING IN THE OLD RV.

THEY'LL BE HERE TOMORROW FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT, CHARLIE. HAVE YOU PICKED A GIFT YET?

- UH...

NO.

YEAH.

[upbeat music]

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE

WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL...

AS LIFE GOES ON

- OH, COM-- OH, LES, COME ON.

NOW, IT'S A STETHOSCOPE, DEAR, IT WON'T HURT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHILE I'M LISTENING TO YOUR HEART,

YOU CAN LISTEN TO MINE.

- OKAY. - OKAY, HERE WE GO.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A LITTLE FUN HERE, THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO, OKAY.

SO YOURS SOUNDS LIKE... TOMP-TOMP, TOMP-TOMP.

SOUNDS GREAT.

- YOURS GOES DA DA KLUG, DA DA KLUG.

- IT DOES?

- YEAH...SO AM I OKAY?

- YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE FINE.

THUMP, THUMP-- WE'RE "GLUG," HUH?

- BYE, DOCTOR WESTON!

- WELL, IT SOUNDS OKAY TO ME.

LAVERNE, PLEASE WOULD YOU TAKE A LISTEN AT MY HEART?

- I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU, DOCTOR.

HEY, HELLO, HI, DONNA IN CLAIMS?

YEAH, THIS IS LAVERNE TODD.

HOW COULD YOU RECOGNIZE MY VOICE?

WELL, IF YOU PEOPLE'D SENT ME MY DAMN MONEY,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO CALL YOU THREE TIMES A DAY.

THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL?

DONNA, DONNA, DONNA...

I HAVE BEEN WAITIN' ON YOU PEOPLE FOR NINE WEEKS,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN "THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL."

TELL ME YOUR DOG ATE THE COMPUTER TAPES.

TELL ME YOU BLEW THE CASH ON LOTTERY TICKETS,

BUT DO NOT INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE

BY TELLIN' ME THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL,

WHEN YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT AIN'T.

OH, THANK YOU.

DONNA IN CLAIMS?

DARNDEST THING, HEH.

GUESS WHAT JUST SHOWED UP IN THE MAIL.

[dial tone] GOOD GUESS.

- I DON'T HEAR ANY "GLUG."

- I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS, I GOT THE WRONG AMOUNT.

- NOT ENOUGH, HUH? - NO! $26.11 TOO MUCH.

DONNA IN CLAIMS, PLEASE.

I CAN'T ACCEPT THIS, DOCTOR.

I MEAN, I MAY NOT HAVE TO ANSWER TO THOSE INSURANCE SCOUNDRELS,

BUT MY CREATOR'S A-WATCHIN' EVERY MOVE I MAKE.

ALTHOUGH I LIKE TO THINK HE CLOSES HIS EYES

WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER.

- I KNOW I WOULD.

- HURRY UP, EMILY, I'M GONNA BE LATE.

- CAROL, YOUR PLANE DOESN'T LEAVE FOR FIVE HOURS.

- YES, BUT IT MAY TAKE SOME TIME

TO GET THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR.

I'M WEARING AN UNDERWIRE BRA.

- WELL, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY--

IN A FEW YEARS, YOU'LL NEED A CHAIN LINK FENCE.

- EMILY, PLEASE,

I'M VERY NERVOUS ABOUT MEETING PATRICK'S MOTHER.

IF WE GET ALONG, I'LL BE ONE STEP CLOSER TO MARRIAGE.

ONE STEP CLOSER TO BEING

CAROL RODHAM ARCOLA.

- RODHAM?

- OH, I JUST ADMIRE HILLARY SO MUCH.

- HONEY, YOU'RE STILL HERE,

DON'T YOU HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH IN FIVE HOURS?

- YEAH, WE'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON

IF WE'RE GONNA BE FOUR HOURS EARLY.

- BYE, DADDY. - BYE-BYE, DEAR.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TRIP. - THANKS.

- ALL RIGHT. [doorbell rings]

OKAY.

HI, CHARLIE, COME IN,

OH, MRS. DIETZ, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.

- PLEASE, CALL ME URSULA. - URSULA, COME ON.

SO HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

- WE'RE DOING GREAT, HARRY,

I'M SHOWING HER THE BEST MOTHER'S DAY EVER, RIGHT, MOM?

- I'M HERE, AIN'T I?

- OH, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I MUST BE THE LUCKIEST SON IN THE WORLD.

I'M JUST DISAPPOINTED THAT DAD COULDN'T MAKE THE TRIP.

- OH, WELL, HE WANTED TO COME,

BUT HE'D RENTED ERNEST GOES TO CAMP,

AND IT'S DUE BACK TOMORROW.

- WELL, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING IMPORTANT.

- OH, CHARLES, I JUST WISH YOU'D UNDERSTAND

ABOUT YOUR FATHER.

SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT.

BUT I BET MY ESTROGEN SHOT YOU DO.

- PARDON ME?

- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.

- SO I GUESS YOU TWO HAVE BIG PLANS FOR TODAY.

- OH, THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE, HARRY,

I GOT THIS GREAT MOTHER'S DAY PICNIC PLANNED,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW A FEW THINGS.

- SURE, SURE, WHAT DO YOU NEED? - BREAD, TOMATO, LETTUCE,

MAYONNAISE, CHIPS, COUPLE OF PEACHES, BEER,

POTATO SALAD, PIE, AND A ROAST TURKEY.

- SURE, HELP YOURSELF, CHARLES.

PLEASE, COME OVER HERE.

[groans]

HE'S A GOOD KID.

- WHO?

- UH, CHARLIE.

- OH. [laughs] HIM...

- SO HOW ARE THINGS AT LEISURE WORLD?

- WELL...

GOLF AND THE DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS KEPT ME PRETTY BUSY.

- YOU GOT DIVORCED? - OH, HEAVENS, YES.

IT'S BEEN COMING FOR THE PAST...

THIRTY YEARS OR SO.

- I'M SURPRISED, I MEAN, CHARLIE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

- OH, CHARLES DOESN'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT TELLING HIM WOULD BE EASY,

BUT SINCE I'VE GOTTEN HERE,

HE'S BEEN SO HAPPY, SO UPBEAT.

IS HE ON MEDICATION?

- NO, I THINK HE'S JUST THRILLED

TO HAVE HIS MOM WITH HIM ON MOTHER'S DAY.

- OH.

- WELL, URSULA, I THINK

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE DIVORCE.

- OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.

LOOK, I REALLY SHOULDN'T IMPOSE, BUT IT MIGHT BE EASIER

TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HIM IF YOU WERE AROUND.

- REALLY?

- LOOK, I KNOW HOW CLOSE YOU TWO ARE.

- WELL, OKAY,

WHY DON'T YOU BRING HIM OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT?

- OH, HARRY, THAT'S WONDERFULLY GENEROUS OF YOU,

THANK YOU. - [mouth full] READY, MOM?

I'LL MEET YOU IN THE CAR.

- YOU KNOW WHEN I WAS PREGNANT WITH CHARLES,

I USED TO SAY,

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS AS LONG AS IT'S HEALTHY."

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME TO ASK FOR MORE.

- HINDSIGHT.

- [bell ringing]

- GOOD EVENING, HARRY.

- HEY, URSULA, COME ON IN,

WELL, DON'T YOU LOOK NICE.

- THANK YOU. YOU'RE NOT HALF BAD YOURSELF.

NOT MANY MEN CAN WEAR A CARDIGAN WITH SUCH AUTHORITY.

- WELL, ALL MY PULLOVERS WERE DIRTY.

- HERE'S A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.

- OH, WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IS CHARLIE ON HIS WAY OVER? - NO,

HE'S STILL OUT RUNNING AN ERRAND FOR ME.

ARE THE GIRLS HERE? I DIDN'T SEE THEIR CARS IN THE DRIVEWAY.

- NO, NO, NO, THEY BOTH HAD PLANS,

SO I GUESS IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

- OH, REALLY? OH, WONDERFUL.

WE DON'T HAVE TO WASTE THE BUBBLY ON THE KIDS.

I KNOW, I COULD USE A GLASS.

- SURE, OKAY, AND THEN MAYBE WE CAN GO OVER

WHAT IT IS YOU WANNA SAY TO CHARLIE TONIGHT.

- WHO? OH, RIGHT, HIM.

YES...YOU KNOW, HARRY, IT'S SO THOUGHTFUL OF YOU TO HELP,

YOU KNOW, IN ALL MY YEARS OF MARRIAGE,

MY HUSBAND WAS NEVER THIS COMPASSIONATE.

OR THIS FIT. AHEM.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU DO TALK TO CHARLIE,

I WOULD, I'D JUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO BE

OVERLY CRITICAL OF MR. DIETZ.

- GOD, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT THIS, AREN'T YOU?

BUT, THEN, I'LL BET YOU'RE GOOD AT A LOT OF THINGS.

- OH...

I JUST FIND THAT PEOPLE RESPOND BEST TO HONESTY,

SO DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE DIRECT.

- OKAY. SO HOW DO YOU KEEP IN SUCH FANTASTIC SHAPE?

- WELL, I KINDA, YOU KNOW, I JUST WATCH WHAT I EAT,

AND I DO A LITTLE-- LITTLE SWIMMING.

- OH, RIGHT, I SAW YOU IN THE POOL THIS MORNING.

GOD, DOING LAP AFTER LAP...

WATER CASCADING OVER YOUR FRECKLED SHOULDERS.

THE STEADY RHYTHM OF YOUR STROKES.

[cork pops] OH!

- I BETTER GO FIND THAT CORK

BEFORE SOMEBODY TRIPS OVER IT.

- OH, YOU SAY THE CUTEST THINGS...

- I FORGOT... NO, I MEAN, I REMEMBERED,

THE SAUCE NEEDS STIRRING, IT'S ON THE STOVE IN THE KITCHEN,

IT'S--IT'S IN A... IT'S IN A POT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN STAY. - OH, I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

THE DOCTOR COOKS.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT MUCH OF A COOK AT ALL,

I JUST MAKE SCRAMBLED EGGS, AND THAT'S ABOUT IT.

- OH, GOOD, YOU CAN MAKE THEM FOR ME TOMORROW MORNING.

- WHOO!

OH, BOY.

THERE YOU GO... ALL RIGHT.

AI, AI! THAT'S HOT. AI!

- OH, DEAR, HARRY BURN HIS LITTLE FINGERS?

OH, LET URSULA KISS HIM AND MAKE ALL BETTER.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

REALLY, REALLY, NO, REALLY. THE BEST THING FOR A BURN

IS LIKE REALLY, REALLY COLD WATER.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO TRY SOME.

- OH, HARRY, DON'T FIGHT IT.

- I KNOW, I KNOW--

YOU KNOW, I THINK WITH THE DIVORCE AND EVERYTHING,

THAT YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE VUL-VUL-VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW.

GEE, I KNOW WHY I AM...

- HARRY, YOU OL' DOG...

HARRY, YOU OLD...DOG!

- CHARLES, PLEASE CALM DOWN.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

- I'M NOT SURE I HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT.

- CHARLIE, IT WAS PERFECTLY INNOCENT.

- RIGHT, TELL THAT TO MY DAD.

OH, MY GOD, DAD... WHAT'S HE GONNA SAY ABOUT THIS?

POOR TRUSTING BASTARD.

- ALL RIGHT, URSULA, COME ON, I THINK IT'S TIME YOU TOLD HIM.

- TOLD ME WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW, HARRY, HE SEEMS SO UPSET.

- WELL, YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I'M UPSET.

NOW I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HERE.

- MAYBE AFTER DINNER. - DINNER, WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

- JUST FORGET DINNER?

- BOY, YOU JUST KEEP GOING FOR THE JUGULAR, DON'T YOU, HARRY?

- THAT'S THAT TIGER INSTINCT. [snarls]

- LOOK, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, NOW, CHARLIE,

I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY, BUT...

YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED.

- MY PARENTS?

DIVORCED?

OH, MY GOD...

I'M FROM A BROKEN HOME.

- CHARLIE, CHARLIE, ARE YOU OKAY?

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

- MAYBE JUST A GLASS OF WATER.

AND A SANDWICH.

- CHARLES, THESE THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME,

YOU'RE BLOWING IT OUT OF PROPORTION.

- ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

DR. STRANGELOVE HERE SHOWS YOU HIS FANCY HOUSE,

SUCKS A LITTLE FACE, AND SUDDENLY

YOU'RE WILLING TO THROW DAD OUT INTO THE COLD.

- CHARLES, THE TRUTH IS

THAT YOUR FATHER AND I DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER ANY MORE.

- SO? WHATEVER HAPPENED

TO STAYING TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN?

- YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY A CHILD.

CLOSE, BUT NOT EXACTLY.

- IT'S TOO LATE FOR FLATTERY, MOM.

YOU'VE BROKEN MY HEART.

AND YOU HELPED.

- CHARLIE, PLEASE, LISTEN,

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

- MAN, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS BUMMED OUT

SINCE CHEECH & CHONG BROKE UP.

- LAVERNE... - JUNK, JUNK, BILL,

BILL, BILL, JUNK.

BILL, JUNK... HA, HA, HA.

ELVIS STAMP.

AND LOOKY HERE.

ANOTHER CHECK FROM THE INSURANCE COMPANY.

AND FOR THE EXACT AMOUNT. - GOOD, THAT'S GREAT.

I'M GLAD YOU FINALLY GOT IT STRAIGHTENED OUT.

- OH, IT WASN'T EASY EITHER.

BOY, THEY GAVE ME THE RUNAROUND.

I MUST HAVE TALKED TO EVERY DEPARTMENT IN THAT COMPANY.

I CALLED BACK, AND I STARTED TAKIN' NAMES.

- NOTHING STOPS YOU.

- I FINALLY GOT THROUGH TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY.

- REALLY? HE ACTUALLY TOOK YOUR CALL?

- YOU'D BE SURPRISED HOW FAR AN ARKANSAS ACCENT

AND THE PHRASE "FRIEND OF BILL" GOES THESE DAYS.

- YOU WENT THROUGH ALL THAT TROUBLE FOR $26?

- DOCTOR, THIS $26 MIGHT BE IMPORTANT

TO SOMEBODY WHO'S NOT GETTIN' IT.

BUT I'M DONE WITH THIS INSURANCE COMPANY,

LAVERNE TODD'S A-TAKIN' HER BUSINESS ELSEWHERE.

- IT'S A GOOD IDEA, LAVERNE. - WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR GUY?

- MY GUY? - YEAH, YOUR GOOD FRIEND

THAT HAS AN INSURANCE COMPANY?

- I DON'T REMEMBER, I FORGOT HIS NAME.

- HE WAS BEST MAN AT YOUR WEDDIN'.

- WELL, I MEAN, THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE--

- EXCUSE ME, I'M LOOKING FOR DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE.

- CLOSE ENOUGH! HERE WE GO, RIGHT IN HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

- HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THE DIVORCE?

- I FORGOT, I WENT SHOPPING.

- BUT WHY, MOM?

- I NEEDED A NEW HALTER-TOP.

OH, CHARLES,

THE MARRIAGE JUST WASN'T WORTH SAVING.

- WHY, JUST BECAUSE DAD NEVER TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT,

OR SHUT THE BATHROOM DOOR,

OR CLEARED MORE THAN 18 GRAND A YEAR?

- 16,500, BUT THERE WAS A BIGGER REASON.

A SPECIAL PART OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER WAS MISSING.

A WOMAN HAS CERTAIN NEEDS.

- OH, GROSS, I DON'T WANNA BE TALKING

ABOUT THIS WITH MY MOTHER.

- IT'S YOUR FATHER, CHARLES.

- YOU MEAN...HE CAN'T? - OF COURSE HE CAN.

HE JUST WON'T.

HE SAYS IF HE'S GONNA SPEND THAT MUCH ENERGY ON SOMETHING,

HE'D AT LEAST LIKE A NICE LAWN TO SHOW FOR IT.

- GEEZ, MOM, IF YOU WANTED TO HAVE GREAT SEX,

WHY'D YOU GET MARRIED?

- CHARLES, I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND

HOW FRUSTRATED I'VE BEEN.

THE OTHER NIGHT, WHEN I KISSED YOUR FRIEND, HARRY,

WELL, HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN.

- OH, GEEZ...

- HARRY WESTON HAPPENS TO BE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

SOMEONE I COULD GROW QUITE FOND OF.

- YOU AND HARRY?

NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

- THINK ABOUT IT, CHARLES.

- EWW...

- OOHHH! - HI, CAROL.

- THAT WAS THE WORST TRIP OF MY LIFE.

PATRICK'S MOTHER IS IMPOSSIBLE.

THE WOMAN TALKED ABOUT HERSELF ENDLESSLY.

SHE WAS SO SELF-CENTERED,

I COULDN'T GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.

- WELL, YOU-- - AND THE WAY

SHE MONOPOLIZED PATRICK'S ATTENTION.

YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT SHE WAS QUEEN BEE.

- WELL, IT WAS MOTHER'S DAY, CAROL.

- YES, BUT I WAS THE GUEST.

OH, AND SHE WAS SO CONTROLLING.

I MEAN, SHE MANIPULATED EVERY SITUATION

SO THAT IT BENEFITED HER.

I MEAN, I JUST COULDN'T IMAGINE GROWING UP WITH SUCH A PERSON.

- BELIEVE ME, IT WASN'T EASY.

- HI, HONEY, I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED THAT SCREAM.

YOU'RE BACK A LITTLE EARLY, AREN'T YOU?

- I COULD NOT GET OUT OF THAT HELL HOLE SOON ENOUGH,

IT WAS HORRIBLE, AND OF COURSE,

PATRICK WAS ALWAYS ON HIS MOMMY'S SIDE.

AND, YES, THAT'S WHAT HE STILL CALLS HER.

CAN YOU IMAGINE A GROWN MAN

CALLING HIS MOTHER "MOMMY," DADDY?

- AS LONG AS YOU HAD A NICE TIME, DEAR.

- YOU HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD I'VE SAID, HAVE YOU, DADDY?

FROM NOW ON, I'M NOT UNBURDENING MYSELF

TO ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE.

both: YES!

- I HEARD THAT!

- HONEY, I'M GONNA TAKE DREYF FOR A WALK,

DO ME A FAVOR-- OPEN THE DOOR A CRACK

AND SEE IF MRS. DIETZ IS STILL OUT THERE SUNBATHING.

- YEP. - IS THERE, UH,

ANY WAY I CAN SNEAK BY?

- I DON'T THINK SO, SHE'S LYING ON THE HOOD OF YOUR CAR.

- DAMN. ALL RIGHT, COME ON, DREYF.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN. GO.

- OH, COME ON, DAD,

MRS. DIETZ IS JUST TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION,

I THINK IT'S CUTE. - CUTE?

YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS SO CUTE IF YOU SAW HER

CHASING ME AROUND HERE LAST TIME.

IT MADE ME FEEL SO... CHEAP.

- WELL, DAD, MAYBE YOU SENT HER THE WRONG SIGNALS,

I MEAN, SHE'S A NEWLY DIVORCED WOMAN,

AND YOU'RE AN ELIGIBLE BACHELOR, AND...

YOU WERE WEARING YOUR "COME-AND-GET-ME" CARDIGAN.

- THAT DAMN SWEATER HAS GOTTEN ME IN MORE JAMS.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, I JUST HAVE TO GO TALK TO HER,

THAT'S ALL. - HARRY.

LISTEN, I HAD A TALK WITH MY MOM.

IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT IT AT FIRST,

BUT I WRESTLED WITH IT AND...

WELL, DAD, SIS, I FEEL LIKE A FAMILY HUG.

- CHARLIE, CHARLIE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- HEY, WHO AM I TO STAND ON THE WAY OF TWO CRAZY KIDS

TAKIN' A CHANCE ON LOVE?

- CHARLIE, WE'RE NOT IN LOVE. - WELL, YOU'RE NOT KIDS, EITHER.

BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY, RIGHT, SIS?

- CHARLIE, I'M NOT YOUR SISTER. - WELL, NOT YET,

WHICH REMINDS ME, THIS MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE

TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME BEFORE SOCIETY FROWNS ON US.

- GET REAL.

- OKAY...HARRY, YOU WANNA GO DO SOME FATHER-SON STUFF?

YOU KNOW, PLAY CATCH, FLY A KITE,

TAKE IN A PEEP SHOW?

- CHARLIE, LISTEN, YOU AND I GOTTA GET

A FEW THINGS STRAIGHTENED OUT.

- YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE OFF YOUR BELT, ARE YOU?

- NO, JUST SIT DOWN. NOW, LOOK...

FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR DAD.

I'M NOT MARRYING YOUR MOTHER.

- WHAT HAPPENED, HARRY? YOU TWO SEEMED SO GOOD TOGETHER.

- CHARLIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU,

BUT THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN US-- THERE'S NO RELATIONSHIP,

NO FUTURE, NO ATTRACTION, THERE'S ABSO--NO--NO NOTHING.

- MAYBE IF YOU WENT TO COUNSELING.

- CHARLIE, UH, YOUR MOTHER IS A VERY NICE WOMAN,

I'M JUST NOT INTERESTED. - THIS IS ALL SO SUDDEN.

FIRST I HAVE A DAD, THEN I DON'T,

THEN I HAVE A STEPDAD, THEN I DON'T.

- WELL, I'M SORRY.

- CAN I STILL CALL YOU DAD?

- [shudders] NO.

- CAN I GIVE YOU A HUG?

- JUST... JUST A LITTLE ONE.

OH, GOD...

SO, DEAR, I--I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND,

I NEVER MEANT TO LEAD YOU ON,

AND IF I DID SOMETHING OR SAID SOMETHING

THAT MADE YOU FEEL OTHERWISE, I APOLOGIZE.

- OH, HARRY, I'M THE ONE THAT SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING.

I MUST HAVE COME ON AS SO DESPERATE, I--

OH, I'M SO EMBARRASSED. - NO, NO, PLEASE,

DON'T DO THAT. IT WAS JUST A MISUNDERSTANDING.

- NO KIDDING--I WAS READING BETWEEN LINES

THAT WEREN'T EVEN THERE.

IMAGINING THAT SOMEONE AS DASHING AS YOU

COULD BE INTERESTED IN A PLAIN JANE LIKE ME.

GOD, I--I FEEL LIKE A SILLY OLD FOOL...

- OH, URSULA, DEAR, COME ON, DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

NOW, LOOK...

I THINK YOU'RE A LOVELY LADY.

- REALLY?

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, BUT I ALSO THINK

THAT YOUR INTEREST IN ME CAME FROM LONELINESS.

IT WAS JUST A REBOUND THING.

- OH, OF COURSE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS THIS DIVORCE

TOOK A BIGGER TOLL ON ME THAN I REALIZED.

- WELL, COME ON, YOU HANG IN THERE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE JUST FINE.

OH, I'M SORRY I GOT--

MY WATCH IS CAUGHT ON YOUR SWEATER HERE.

- OH, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.

BOY, IF THIS HAD HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT,

I MIGHT'VE THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING A MOVE ON ME.

- HA, HA, BUT I'M NOT!

[laughs heartily]

OH, BOY, THIS IS REALLY STUCK HERE.

- BUT ABOUT THIS REBOUND THING.

SURE, IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY,

BUT I UNDERSTAND IT COULD BE VERY EXCITING.

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NOW, LET'S--LET'S NOT LOSE ANY GROUND HERE.

- OH, COME ON, HARRY, WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND I GO IN THAT ROOM,

AND REBOUND OUR BRAINS OUT?

- OH, BOY, THAT'S IT! OOP! THAT'S IT.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST...

WHY DON'T YOU JUST KEEP THE WATCH...

AS A MEMENTO OF--OF-- OF THE GREAT TIME

YOU HAD HERE. - I'D RATHER KEEP THE OWNER.

- NO, YOU WOULDN'T! I WOULDN'T THINK SO!

LISTEN, I-- LISTEN, YOU--I--

UM, YOU--YOU HAVE A SAFE TRIP HOME,

AND... [muttering]

BYE!

- "TIMEX."

SOME DOCTOR...

- WHOA. THE WAY HARRY JUMPED OVER THAT FENCE,

YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A PIT-BULL WAS AFTER HIM.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, MOM?

- YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT. - [gasps]

WOW, A TIMEX!

YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME!

HUG? - NO.

- A LITTLE ONE? - MAYBE JUST A LITTLE ONE.

WELL CHARLES, COOKIES AND MILK.

- OH, THANKS, MA. - GET YOUR OWN.

WHAT ARE YOU READING? - OH, THIS GREAT BOOK,

OEDIPUS REX. - HMM, NEVER HEARD OF IT.

- OH, CAROL LENT IT TO ME. IT'S REALLY GETTING GOOD.

- EW! - EW!

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