Original subtitles

- CHARLES DIETZ, YOU'VE BEEN FOUND GUILTY

OF HAVING 65 UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.

- YOUR HONOR, I CAN EXPLAIN.

WHEN A MAN MAKES AS MUCH AS I DO--

600 THOU A YEAR...

NET.

AND WHEN HE SPENDS AS MUCH TIME AS I DO ON MY YACHT--

125 FEET...

NET.

- MR. DIETZ.

- CALL ME-- 555-6978.

- WOULD YOU PLEASE ADDRESS THE BENCH

AND NOT THE STENOGRAPHER?

- JUDGE...

STU...

WE'RE BOTH GUYS,

EVEN THOUGH ONE OF US IS WEARING A DRESS.

COULD YOU CUT ME SOME SLACK? I'M TRYING TO SCORE HERE.

- WAIT A MINUTE. DON'T I KNOW YOU?

- NAH.

I'VE ONLY KNOWN ONE TALMADGE IN MY LIFE.

THIS WAS ONE HOT BABE

WHO COULD NOT GET ENOUGH OF THE DIETZER.

YOU KNOW THE TYPE--MARRIED TO SOME HAIRLESS GEEK.

- I THINK I KNOW WHERE I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE.

COULD YOU TURN AROUND, PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, AND RUN?

I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE IMPRISONMENT

WITHOUT POSSIBILITY OF PAROLE.

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE, WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- I'M SO EXCITED THAT LITTLE CAROL'S COMING.

SHE WAS NAMED AFTER ME, YOU KNOW?

- UH, TECHNICALLY, SHE WASN'T NAMED AFTER YOU.

BOTH OF YOU WERE NAMED AFTER YOUR MOTHER'S MOTHER--

GRANDMA CAROL.

- BUT I WAS BORN FIRST,

SO LITTLE CAROL WAS NAMED AFTER ME.

- AFTER YOU, BUT SHE WASN'T NAMED AFTER YOU.

- I GOT HERE FIRST.

I GOT GRANDMA'S CAROL,

THEREFORE, ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF GENEALOGY,

LITTLE CAROL GOT MY CAROL.

SO LITTLE CAROL WAS NAMED AFTER ME.

- BUT, DEAR-- - DADDY, THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME,

SO LET'S JUST DROP IT.

- FINE. SHE WAS NAMED AFTER YOU...

WERE BORN.

- [gasps] LOOK, CAROL, HERE ARE SOME PICTURES OF YOUR WEDDING.

- AND THERE'S LITTLE CAROL. SHE WAS MY FLOWER GIRL.

OH, SHE WAS SO CUTE.

SHE WAS NAMED AFTER ME. - YEAH, I HEARD.

- SHE GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE AISLE,

WHEN I HEARD THIS LITTLE VOICE SAY,

"I'M SCARED. I WANT MY MOMMY."

- THAT WAS YOU, DEAR.

[doorbell rings]

- OH, SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE.

LITTLE CAROL!

CAROL, LOOK AT YOU.

- HI, UNCLE HARRY.

EMILY, HOW'S IT GOING? - GREAT.

- AND THIS MUST BE PATRICK. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN ARTIST.

I WAS EXPECTING SOMEBODY MORE TORTURED.

- OH, GIVE HIM TIME.

HE'S ONLY BEEN DATING CAROL A FEW MONTHS.

- COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, TELL US ALL ABOUT COLLEGE.

- I DROPPED OUT. I'M GETTING MARRIED!

[both shrieking] - MARRIED?

- CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

- OH, THAT IS SO COOL.

- MY LITTLE FLOWER GIRL? - CONGRATULATIONS.

- I MET THIS GREAT GUY LAST SEMESTER.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM.

- CAROL, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT RUSHING INTO THIS?

- MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BIG CAROL.

- WELL, COME ON, TELL ME ALL

ABOUT THIS WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN YOU'VE MET.

- WELL, HIS NAME IS ACID.

- ACID?

THAT'S A GOOD, STRONG NAME, HUH?

- DON'T BLAME HIM. HIS PARENTS WERE "HIPPIES."

BUT HE'S TOTALLY REJECTED THEIR BOGUS VALUES.

OUR WEDDING IS GONNA BE REAL OLD-FASHIONED,

WITH AN ANTEBELLUM THEME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I, CAROL STOVER,

AM ABOUT TO BECOME MRS. ACID PUBLY.

- SOUNDS LIKE EVERY GIRL'S DREAM COME TRUE.

- WELL, I THINK THE OCCASION CALLS FOR CHAMPAGNE.

DADDY, PATRICK, WHY DON'T YOU RUN TO THE STORE?

- TOGETHER?

- YES, THAT WAY, WE GIRLS CAN HAVE A LITTLE GIRL TALK.

- ALL RIGHT. COME ON, PATRICK, COME ON.

ACID--SUDDENLY YOU'RE STARTING TO LOOK GOOD.

- THANKS, DAD. - DON'T PUSH IT.

- SORRY.

- SO, CAROL, TELL.

I WANT TO HEAR ALL THE DETAILS.

- WELL, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS JUST PERFECT.

- OH. - PERFECT?

- WE JUST AGREE ON EVERYTHING.

- I THINK SOMEONE'S BLOCKING.

CAROL, AFTER YOU TWO ARE MARRIED, YOU'RE GONNA FIND

THAT YOU HAVE MANY, MANY DIFFERENCES OF OPINION--

MANY...

OH, SO MANY.

- WELL, NOT NECESSARILY.

- YES, LITTLE SISTER, TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE.

- NO OFFENSE, CAROL, BUT IT'S DIFFERENT WITH US.

YOU SEE, I'M GONNA DO ALL THOSE LITTLE THINGS

YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK.

- I DID THOSE THINGS...

WELL, MOST OF THEM.

WHAT THINGS?

- WELL, LIKE,

I'M NEVER GONNA LET HIM SEE ME WITHOUT MY MAKEUP.

- [laughing]

YES, I REMEMBER SAYING THAT.

- AND WE'RE NEVER GONNA GO TO BED MAD.

- YES, I REMEMBER SAYING THAT ONE TOO.

- AND WE'RE NOT GONNA KEEP ANY SECRETS.

WE'RE GONNA TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW MEN, YOU JUST CAN'T SHUT 'EM UP--

ALWAYS WANTING TO YAK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.

- CAROL.

- HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU. I'M MORE THAN HAPPY.

I'M THRILLED.

- I'M GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY,

BECAUSE I WANT BOTH OF YOU TO BE MY BRIDESMAIDS.

- NO WAY. - WAY.

[both shrieking]

- CAROL? - ME? AN ACTUAL PARTICIPANT?

- PLEASE? IT WOULD REALLY MEAN A LOT TO ME.

- OF COURSE I'LL BE YOUR BRIDESMAID.

- THANK YOU. - OH.

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE THE BIG SISTER I NEVER HAD.

- YOU WANT ONE? SHE'S YOURS. CONSIDER IT A WEDDING PRESENT.

- I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAN FILL IN TODAY, SHARON.

MY REGULAR NURSE, LAVERNE, BROKE HER FOOT RACING DIRT BIKES.

- [laughing]

- NO, NO, NO, NO, REALLY.

I TRIED TO TELL HER THERE'S NO USE RACING 'EM.

THEY'RE ALWAYS GONNA BE FASTER THAN SHE IS.

- [laughing]

- YOU GOT A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.

- [laughing] OH, WELL.

- GOD, WHAT A CHANGE OF PACE-- I'M KILLING HERE.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, HERE'S A CUTE ONE.

A WOMAN GOES TO A PSYCHIATRIST, SHE SAYS,

"DOCTOR, MY HUSBAND THINKS HE'S A REFRIGERATOR."

DOCTOR SAYS, "THAT'S NOT SO BAD."

THE WIFE SAYS, "YEAH, BUT HE SLEEPS WITH HIS MOUTH OPEN

AND THE LIGHT KEEPS ME AWAKE."

- MENTAL ILLNESS IS A VERY SERIOUS ISSUE.

- I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

CHARLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, REMEMBER ALL THOSE PARKING TICKETS?

THE JUDGE SENTENCED ME TO COMMUNITY SERVICE, HARRY.

I'M DOING IT HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.

- WHAT?

- HARRY, I HAD NO IDEA MEDICINE WAS SUCH A GRAVY TRAIN.

I GET TO WEAR FREE CLOTHES.

I'M LOOKING AT SEVEN FLOORS FULL OF BABES IN WHITE,

AND I GET TO GO HOME WITH ALL THE RUBBER GLOVES

I CAN STUFF IN MY POCKET.

YOU GUYS GOT IT MADE.

- CHARLEY, I-I'D LIKE TO STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT ON THIS,

BUT I HAVE SICK CHILDREN I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF.

- NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I'M GONNA MOP YOUR FLOOR.

- GOOD. GOOD, CHARLEY.

START.

- OH.

[humming]

DONE.

- YOU MUST BE DIETZ.

I HEAR YOU'VE BEEN HERE AN ENTIRE SHIFT

AND STILL HAVEN'T DONE A LICK OF WORK.

- WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

- THE NAME'S JACK TRENTON.

- SO YOU'RE TRENTON.

- YEP.

- I HEAR YOU'RE PRETTY SHIFTLESS YOURSELF.

- WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO BRAG,

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO DODGING WORK...

I'M THE BEST.

- THE PROBLEM WITH BEING THE BEST

IS YOU'RE ALWAYS LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER,

THINKING MAYBE THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE SOMEBODY

A LITTLE BIT BETTER, A LITTLE BIT SMARTER,

A LITTLE BIT LAZIER.

- [laughing]

OH, IN YOUR DREAMS, PAL.

YOU KNOW, A LOT HAVE COME TO THIS HOSPITAL.

A LOT HAVE TRIED TO DO LESS THAN ME,

BUT THEY ALWAYS END UP DOING AN HONEST DAY'S WORK.

- I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

BUT I WON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

CARE FOR SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- THAT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

BUT I PREFER...

SOMETHING WITH A LITTLE MORE KICK.

- OOH. - YEAH.

YOU THINK THAT'S SOMETHING?

I'VE GOT CINNAMON ROLLS

BROWNING IN AN INCUBATOR ON THE FOURTH FLOOR.

- WELL, I'D LOVE TO JOIN YOU,

BUT AS YOU CAN SEE FROM MY TOE TAG,

I HAVE A NAP SCHEDULED AT THE MORGUE.

- YOU ARE GOOD.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING, KID?

BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

I'LL BET WE COULD TURN THIS PLACE INTO AN H.M.O.

OH, GEE.

YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY SHOULD CLEAN THAT UP.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

- LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU RUN OUT TO LUNCH NOW?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE PHONES.

- OKAY. IT SURE HAS BEEN NICE WORKING FOR YOU.

- IT'S NICE TO WORK WITH SOMEONE SO, YOU KNOW, UPBEAT.

- [laughing]

- NOW I KNOW HOW REGIS MUST FEEL.

- HI, DADDY. - AH, THE ANTIDOTE.

- DADDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

- OF COURSE, DEAR. WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

- LITTLE CAROL'S WEDDING.

I'M ON MY WAY TO PICK UP MY DRESS,

BUT I'M HAVING SERIOUS MISGIVINGS

ABOUT BEING A BRIDESMAID.

- WHY? YOU'VE BEEN IN A MILLION WEDDINGS.

- I JUST CAN'T KEEP QUIET AND PRETEND

THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA WORK OUT FOR THOSE TWO KIDS,

WITH THEIR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN.

- DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU?

- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. IT'S COMPLETELY ABOUT ME.

MY REGRETS ABOUT MY MARRIAGE, MY SHATTERED...

- NO, NO, WHAT I MEAN IS THE WEDDING DAY

IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE BRIDE

AND WHAT SHE WANTS.

- I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

LITTLE CAROL IS SO FULL OF HOPE.

AND WHILE MY IMPULSE IS TO CRUSH THAT HOPE LIKE A BUG...

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I WON'T SAY ANYTHING. I'LL GRIT MY TEETH.

I'LL BE A BRIDESMAID.

I MEAN, REALLY? HOW BAD CAN IT BE?

[screaming]

- [barks]

- [laughing]

- DID I, UH, EVER TELL YOU

ABOUT THE TIME I RAN WITH THE BULLS IN DAYTONA?

I REALLY LIKE YOUR ENTHUSIASM,

BUT I FORESEE AN INTIMATE MOMENT IN OUR FUTURE

WHEN IT WILL BE VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU NOT LAUGH.

- I HAVE TO GO PICK UP SOME X-RAYS.

CAN YOU WATCH THE PHONES FOR ME?

- SURE.

OH, WHILE YOU'RE UP ON THE FOURTH FLOOR,

COULD YOU PICK ME UP A CINNAMON ROLL?

ASK TO SEE THE HANDELMAN BABY.

- [laughing]

- BYE-BYE, GERARD. ALWAYS NICE TO SEE YOU.

DROP BY AGAIN.

CHARLEY. - HEY, HARRY.

WHAT'S COOKING? - WHERE'S SHARON?

- OH, SHE ASKED ME TO COVER FOR HER.

- WHAT ABOUT THE PHONES? WHO'S ON HOLD?

- NOBODY. - WHAT?

HELLO? HELLO?

- IT'S A LITTLE TIME-MANAGEMENT TIP

I PICKED UP FROM MY GOOD BUDDY JACK TRENTON.

- CHARLEY, THIS IS A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

WHAT IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY?

- OH, HARRY--

- CHARLEY, YOU WERE SENTENCED TO COMMUNITY SERVICE

TO LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY.

WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA START THINKING

ABOUT SOMEBODY OTHER THAN YOURSELF?

I GOT A GOOD MIND TO CALL THAT JUDGE

AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING HERE.

- OH, PLEASE, HARRY, DON'T CALL THE JUDGE.

HE HATES ME.

TRY HIS WIFE. I DID.

- PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I'M WARNING YOU.

YOU DON'T SHAPE UP, I AM GONNA CALL THAT JUDGE,

AND YOU'LL END UP MOPPING FLOORS IN THE COUNTY JAIL.

YOU GOT THAT?

YOU, COVER THE PHONES, AND DON'T LAUGH.

- [crying]

- NORMALLY, I'D HIT ON YOU,

BUT I'M REALLY BUMMED OUT RIGHT NOW.

BUENOS DIAS.

MUY BONITA, SE?ORITA.

ME LLAMO CHARLEY,

EL "DOCTORO" DE LOVE.

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU HOW ATTRACTED I AM

TO A GAL WHO CAN ROLL HER "R"s?

I SEE YOU HEARD THAT ONE.

- ?Y COMO? - NADA, NADA.

NOT A THING SEXY ABOUT YOU ANYMORE.

- ?COMO ESTA, SE?OR? - OH, NOT SO BUENO.

MI AMIGO HARRY REALLY CHEWED MY BUTT OUT TODAY.

TURNED MY SENTENCE INTO A REAL DOWNER.

I MEAN, I'M AS RESPONSIBLE AS I HAVE TO BE.

- ?Y QUE?

- I'LL HAVE THE NUMBER FIVE AND A BEER, PLEASE.

- [sneezing] - GOOD IDEA. EXTRA CHEESE.

AND DON'T FORGET...

- OH, LOS CONTRACCIONES. LOS CONTRACCIONES!

- COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN? I'M TRYING TO ORDER HERE.

- DOCTOR, DOCTOR! [breathing heavily]

- OH, NO, NO, I'M NOT A DOCTOR.

I WAS JUST COMING ON TO YOU.

- AY, DOCTOR, YA VIENE, YA VIENE.

- IT'S COMING. IT'S COMING?

- SI. SI. IT'S COMING.

- I'M GOING. HASTA LA VISTA, LADY.

- AY, NO, DOCTOR.

AY, SANTA MARIA, EL DOLOR. ME MUERO.

[breathing heavily]

- HEY, THIS PHILLY'S ABOUT TO "DAMANO"!

SOMEBODY CALL 911.

- ?QUE?

- UH, CALL LA POLICIA.

- NO POLICIA.

INMIGRACION. NO INMIGRACION.

- HEY, COME BACK. - MIRA EL HOMBRE LOCO.

PERRO TU ERES...

- I'M GONNA GET HELP. HARRY!

- AY, NO, DOCTOR! [breathing heavily]

- OKAY. OKAY. I'LL STAY HERE.

I WANT YOU TO LIE DOWN RIGHT HERE ON YOUR BACK.

- NO! - I KNOW, I KNOW.

THAT'S HOW YOU GOT INTO THIS MESS.

- TODOS LOS HOMBRES DEL MUNDO

SON LA CAUSA DE MI DOLOR. TU TAMBIEN.

- COULDN'T THIS WAIT TILL MA?ANA?

- ?MA?ANA? NO, YA VIENE, YA VIENE.

- OKAY, OKAY. I'M HERE.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

WHAT DO THEY ASK FOR ALL THE TIME?

OH, BOILING WATER.

IT'S, UM--THIS'LL DO.

- AY, SANTA MARIA!

- I'M ALMOST READY.

OH, MY GOD. HER AGUA BROKE.

- [breathing heavily]

- HOLA. BUENO. - HOLA.

- SO IS THE LITTLE GUY OKAY? HE'S HEALTHY, RIGHT?

YOU CHECKED HIM? YOU COUNTED EVERYTHING?

- YOU BET-- TEN, TEN, ONE AND TWO.

FELICIDADES. TIENE UN HIJO MUY SALUDABLE Y LINDO.

- OH, GRACIAS.

- CHARLEY, YOU DID A GREAT JOB.

- WELL, SHE DID MOST THE WORK.

- NO, NO. I MEAN, I HAVE TO CONFESS.

I HAD MY DOUBTS,

BUT YOU CAME THROUGH WHEN IT COUNTED.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU, CHARLES.

- NO BIG DEAL. JUST CONSIDER IT COMMUNITY SERVICE.

- SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA NAME THE BABY?

I'M SORRY. ?QUE NOMBRE DE NI?O?

- CHARLEY.

- WELL, THAT'S QUITE AN HONOR.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TO SAY, CHARLEY?

- [crying] CHARLEY?

[Mendelssohn's Wedding March]

- THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING.

- THANKS, DADDY. I DID MY BEST.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY HAD TO WORK

THROUGH A LOT OF FEELINGS ON THIS ONE, BUT I GOT THROUGH IT.

IT'S OVER.

NOW, WHERE'S THE GUY WITH THE DRINKS?

- COME ON, LET'S GO CONGRATULATE THE HAPPY COUPLE.

- YOU KNOW, I REALLY ENJOYED THAT.

I THINK MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN THE MINISTER SAID,

"DO YOU, CAROL, TAKE ACID?"

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HONEY, SLOW DOWN.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN EATEN YET TODAY, HAVE YOU?

- YOU KIDDING?

I'VE BEEN STARVING MYSELF FOR THREE DAYS

TO FIT INTO THIS LACE TOURNIQUET.

- MY PARENTS WANTED TO GIVE US A HONEYMOON

IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE-- BORING.

WE'RE GOING TO SIX FLAGS.

- CAROL.

CAROL, CAROL, CAROL.

- CAROL?

- CAROL, CAROL, CAROL.

NOW THAT YOU'VE ACTUALLY GONE THROUGH WITH THIS,

THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

- COME ON, CAROL, WHY DON'T WE GET YOU SOMETHING TO EAT?

COME ON. - NO, NOT YET.

I NEED TO TALK TO MY INNOCENT BABY COUSIN

ABOUT THE HARSH REALITIES OF MARRIAGE.

- LET'S GO. - CAROL, ACID...

I AM GOING TO TELL YOU

WHAT NO ONE HAD THE GUTS TO TELL ME.

A MATURE, LASTING RELATIONSHIP

ISN'T ABOUT HEARTS AND PARASOLS

AND NEVER FIGHTING.

IT'S ABOUT HURT FEELINGS AND PARANOID SUSPICIONS.

IT'S ABOUT GOING TO BED MAD AND STAYING MAD FOR DAYS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE A DOWNER...

BUT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD,

I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT...

I'M GONNA BE SICK.

- OKAY. OKAY. COME ON, HONEY.

COME ON.

I'M GONNA HOLD YOUR HEAD WHILE YOU PUKE.

- I LOVE YOU.

THIS... THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

- OKAY, JUST WATCH MY SHOES.

FEELING BETTER? - YEAH.

DO YOU THINK LITTLE CAROL AND ACID HATE ME?

- YEAH.

- COME ON, CAROL, SHE'S GONNA TOSS THE BOUQUET.

- OH, PLEASE. NOT ANOTHER NAIVE RITUAL.

- DON'T BE SUCH A POOP. COME ON.

- NO, NO, THIS IS FOR THE INGENUES.

I'D FEEL SILLY. I COULDN'T POSS--

I GOT IT! [laughing]

[humming Lullaby]

[baby giggles]

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