Original subtitles

- OH, OF COURSE I HEARD THAT. THAT'S OLD NEWS.

LORETTA'S HAD SO MANY FACELIFTS SHE CAN WINK 'ER LIP.

WELL, YOU CAN'T TELL IF SHE'S CRYIN' OR DROOLIN'.

HEY, D'YOU HEAR ABOUT DR. QUIGGLY?

HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR

WITH THE FOURTH-FLOOR RECEPTIONIST.

UH-HUH, I THINK IT'S OVER THOUGH.

I HEAR HE'S SEEIN' HIS WIFE ON THE SIDE.

WHAT?

- LAVERNE, WHEN YOU FINISH GOSSIPING,

I NEED THE FILE ON THE ATKINSON BOY.

- WELL, HE NEEDS A BOOSTER. - FINE. THANK YOU.

[phone ringing]

OH, IF THAT'S DR. BENTLEY...

- NO, IT AIN'T. HE'S UP IN MATERNITY

GETTIN' A SPONGE BATH FROM NURSE WILLOW.

- OH. - DOCTOR'S OFFICE?

OH, HI, FLORENCE. WHAT'VE YOU GOT FOR ME?

NO.

IN A TREE?

- LIFE GOES ON AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- GOOD MORNING. [exhaling]

NOBODY.

[laughingly] ALL RIGHT.

SIX YEARS WITHOUT STEPPING FOOT INSIDE A SUPERMARKET,

AND MY STREAK CONTINUES.

CREAM CHEESE TO SPREAD ON BETTY.

HUMUS FOR HELENA.

HELLO, SALSA. I'LL MEET YOU IN A PLACE I CALL

ROSALITA JUNCTION.

- HEY, CHARLEY, WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

- CAROL, AH...

HEY, THAT LOOKS LIKE A FASCINATING BOOK.

- THIS IS JUST MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK.

MY 15TH REUNION'S THIS SATURDAY.

- HOW REALLY, REALLY INTERESTING.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE PATRICK'S AWAY FOR THIS.

I MEAN, ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT I WAS A LOSER,

FOR ONCE I HAVE THIS REALLY TERRIFIC BOYFRIEND,

AND I CAN'T BRING HIM ALONG TO SHOW HIM OFF.

- HE DUMPED YOU ALREADY?

- HE'S VISITING HIS AUNT IN GEORGIA.

- LET ME GUESS, SHE'S SICK.

- YES, VERY. - PFFT.

I KNOW THIS ONE. SHE DIES. HE GOES TO THE FUNERAL.

HE MEETS A LOT OF CUTE MOURNERS.

HE'S VERY SYMPATHETIC.

"LEAN ON ME. LEAN ON ME. LEAN ON ME."

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

HE'S IN THE BACK OF THE HEARSE DRAWING THE DRAPES.

OLDEST ONE IN THE BOOK.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, CHARLEY.

YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME CRAZY.

- I'M WAY TOO LATE FOR THAT.

- OH, THAT WAS FUN. - OH, YEAH.

[panting] BIG TIME.

JOGGING IS GREAT WHEN YOU'RE MY SIZE.

YOU GET TO USE THE CARPOOL LANE.

- [laughing]

- HI, DANNY. CHARLEY, MEET DANNY.

DANNY AND I WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER.

WE WERE LAB PARTNERS IN BIOLOGY CLASS.

- CAROL WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU.

SHE WAS THE SMARTEST, THE FUNNIEST, THE CLASSIEST...

- OH, GOD, I'VE MISSED YOU. DANNY, YOU LOOK THIRSTY.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- THANKS, BUT I GOTTA RUN. DON'T FORGET ABOUT SATURDAY.

- I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD.

- OKAY. BETTER GET GOING.

I GOTTA STOP BY TRAFFIC COURT.

I GOT A TICKET FOR JAY-WADDLING.

- SO HOW WAS YOUR LITTLE RUN? - OH, IT WAS GREAT.

FOUR LAPS AROUND DANNY IS A MILE.

[laughing]

- EMILY! - WHAT?

IT WAS ONE OF DANNY'S JOKES. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

- WELL, I SUPPOSE.

IF YOU'RE A FAN OF THAT KIND OF HUMOR.

- SO, YOU'RE GOING TO THIS REUNION TOO?

- YEAH, DANNY ASKED ME.

- WHOA, HO HO HO. SLAM ON THE BRAKES.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT IN PUBLIC WITH THAT GUY?

- YEAH, HAVE YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

- EMILY. EM-I-LY...

LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.

YOUR IMAGE IS HOT-CUTE-WESTON-BABE.

NOW YOU GO OUT WITH THE MICHELIN MAN

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THAT IMAGE?

BLOWOUT.

- CHARLEY, THAT IS VERY INSULTING.

- HEY.

I KNOW I'M LADLING SOME...

PRETTY HEAVY SOUP HERE, BUT...

I THINK IT'S WORTH THE TASTE.

IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. TAKE ME.

NOW, I GO TO ONE OF MY ELEGANT MEETING PLACES LIKE

PUMP MASTER WILLY'S.

EVERY MOVE I MAKE IS DESIGNED TO BUILD UP MY IMAGE

AS THE POPE OF LOVE.

- THE POPE OF LOVE?

- WELL, POPE OF LOVE THE SECOND.

THE FIRST POPE CHOKED TO DEATH ON A PLASTIC BEAD AT CLUB MED.

- CHARLEY, I'M NOT LISTENING ANYMORE OF THIS.

- GUESS THE SOUP WAS TOO HEAVY FOR HER.

HELLO, BIG IDEA.

PEPERONI PASTIES.

- JUST ONE MORE THING, EDNA.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MARLENE AND DR. GALLAI

DOWN IN RADIOLOGY?

WHY, HE WANTS TO BREAK IT OFF AND SHE'S THREATENIN' TO SEND

HIS WIFE X-RAYS OF THE WHOLE SMUTTY MESS.

WHAT?

- LAVERNE, DO YOU REALIZE EVERY TIME YOU HAVE A FREE MOMENT

YOU'RE ON THAT PHONE GOSSIPING ABOUT SOMEBODY IN THIS HOSPITAL?

EVER OCCURRED TO YOU THAT IT'S NOT RIGHT

THAT YOU--YOU'RE BENDING THE TRUTH?

- NOW, YOU JUST STOP RIGHT THERE, DOCTOR,

I DO NOT BEND THE TRUTH.

MY INFO IS CHECKED AND RECHECKED

THROUGH A CAREFUL FACT-CHECKING PROCESS.

FLORENCE AND LUANNE IN MATERNITY.

NOW WHAT I DO IS JUST HARMLESS CHIT-CHAT

THAT HELPS BREAK UP THE DAY.

AND HOW 'BOUT BEING USEFUL FOR ONCE AND HELPIN' ME

CHANGE A LIGHT BULB IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET?

- FINE. ALL RIGHT. COME ON. LET'S GET IN HERE.

I-I-I CAN'T--I CAN'T REACH THAT. I HAVE TO GO TO GET A LADDER.

- WELL, NOW DON'T BOTHER. I'LL JUST GET ON THIS BOX

AND YOU JUST HOLD ME STEADY, BUT BE CAREFUL.

[laughing]

OH, DOCTOR.

HOO HOO, DOCTOR!

[laughing]

- COME ON, LAVERNE. STOP SQUIRMING.

I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF YOU. - [Laverne laughing]

- STOP. STOP THAT NOW. YOU WANTED TO DO IT?

LET'S DO IT.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

WAIT UNTIL LUANNE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

- OKAY, HERE'S THE SCOOP. EVERYONE'S COMING.

ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

IT'S GOING TO BE MOBBED. DO YOU KNOW WHO'S COMING?

DIDI PORCHNICK IS GOING TO BE THERE.

THIS FAMILY GOES THROUGH A LOT OF GROCERIES.

ESPECIALLY THE SPREADS.

[phone ringing] - I'LL GET IT.

HELLO?

TUCKER WILSON? - [mouthing name]

- YEAH, YEAH, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

OH, MOUNT HOLYOKE, THEN TO EUROPE,

THEN TO THE REST OF THE WORLD, THEN BACK TO FLORIDA.

YEAH, YEAH, SHE'S STILL LIVING AT THE HOUSE.

[giggling] YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT IS, ISN'T IT? [laughing]

YEAH, I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU!

OH, TUCKER, WAIT. YOU'RE JUST IN TOWN FOR THIS WEEKEND?

WISH YOU'D CALLED ME EARLIER.

I ALREADY HAVE A DATE FOR TOMORROW NIGHT.

WILL YOU CALL ME NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN TOWN?

OKAY.

BYE.

- TUCKER WILSON?

YOU TURNED DOWN TUCKER WILSON?

YOU WERE CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

- I KNOW, CAROL. - MY GOD, HE'S GORGEOUS.

I MEAN, IF KEVIN COSTNER HAD A CHILD

WITH TOM CRUISE...

- THEY'D BE IN THE ENQUIRER.

- YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU, EMILY.

YOU HAVE CHARACTER.

I MEAN, YOU TURNED DOWN TUCKER WILSON,

MR. EVERYTHING FOR AN ORDINARY GUY.

- WELL, IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT TO BREAK A DATE.

- I AM SO IMPRESSED WITH YOUR INTEGRITY,

AND MIGHT I SAY YOUR METTLE.

- CAROL, LET'S JUST DROP IT. - I MEAN, YOU COULD'VE GONE OUT

WITH TUCKER WILSON.

- I KNOW. - YET YOU CHOSE A PERFECTLY NICE

BUT SOMEWHAT ROTUND ACCOUNTANT. - CAROL, GIVE IT A REST!

IT'S ENOUGH!

- WHAT DID I SAY?

EMILY? EMILY?

- HELLO?

NOBODY.

ALL RIGHT.

LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.

WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S TOO EASY.

IT'S A TRAP.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, WHOA.

- HEY, PERRY, WHAT'S UP?

- HEY, HEY, HEY, BABOOM, BABOOM. BABOOM!

OOH, AH.

- WHAT? HA! WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

- [whistling, clicking tongue]

[groaning]

[laughing]

- PERRY, WHAT THE HELL- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- AH, WELL, [laughing]

BOOM.

[laughing] - HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY?

- HMM, HO, HO, HO, HO.

- WOULD YOU QUIT MAKING NOISES AND SAY SOMETHING?

- HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA.

WOOF, WOOF, I-I-I, SHH, SHH.

[clicking tongue]

[barking] HMM, BABOOM!

[laughing]

[birds chirping]

- [exhaling]

- EMILY, I'VE FOUND IT.

THIS WOULD BE PERFECT FOR YOU.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

IT'S ONE OF YOUR BRIDESMAIDS' DRESS FROM YOUR WEDDING.

- YEAH, I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO GET MY HUSBAND'S FINGERPRINTS

OFF OF IT.

- CAROL, I DON'T THINK I CAN GO THROUGH WITH THIS DATE.

- WHY NOT?

- I'M NOT THE WONDERFUL PERSON YOU THINK I AM.

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH DANNY BEING SO FAT.

OKAY? THERE. I SAID IT. IT'S OUT.

GOD, I HATE MYSELF FOR THINKING THIS WAY.

- EMILY, HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I JUST WASTED MY ENTIRE THERAPY SESSION

TELLING SANDY WHAT A TOGETHER PERSON YOU ARE.

- WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? WHY DID I EVEN SAY I'D GO

IN THE FIRST PLACE?

- EMILY, YOU'RE AN ADULT. YOU'VE MADE A COMMITMENT.

- YEAH, I SUPPOSE IF I BROKE THE DATE,

THAT'D BE A REALLY SHALLOW AND JERKY THING TO DO, HUH?

- THAT'S NOT FOR ME TO JUDGE.

ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR FEELINGS.

EVEN IF THEY ARE SHALLOW AND JERKY.

[doorbell ringing]

- [exhaling]

- LOOK, I KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE YOUR DATE

BEFORE THE DATE, BUT I WAS GOING FOR A JOG

AND I THOUGHT I'D SEE IF YOU WANTED TO JOIN ME.

- WELL, I'M NOT REALLY DRESSED FOR--

- WELL, THEN YOU GET DRESSED. I'LL GET STARTED,

AND BY THE TIME YOU PUT ON YOUR SWEATS, GRAB A TOWEL

AND LACE UP YOUR RUNNING SHOES,

I JUST MIGHT BE REACHING THE END OF YOUR DRIVEWAY.

- [giggling] LOOK, MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

- OKAY. I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

- I GUESS YOU'RE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, HUH?

- WHO KNOWS? YOU NEVER CAN TELL WITH REUNIONS.

SOMETIMES YOU END UP SEEING PEOPLE

YOU REALLY DON'T WANNA SEE.

- WELL, HEY, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANNA GO,

THAT'S OKAY WITH ME. - HEY, HEY, HEY, WE HAVE A DATE.

I DON'T BREAK DATES. - THAT'S VERY...

NOT SHALLOW AND JERKY OF YOU.

- YOU HAVE AN ODD WAY OF PHRASING THINGS, EMILY.

I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 7:00. - YEAH, SURE.

- YOU OKAY? - YEAH, YEAH, I'M FINE.

- LAVERNE. - HEY, THERESA.

- I JUST HAD TO STOP BY AND SEE YOU.

WHY HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING IT FROM ME?

- WHAT? - YOU KNOW

- NO, I DON'T

- ABOUT YOU AND THE DOCTOR HAVING AN AFFAIR

IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET

- OH, MY GOD

WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU HEAR THAT?

- IT IS ALL OVER THE HOSPITAL.

- WELL, IT IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, COMPLETELY,

TOTALLY AND WHOLLY UNTRUE. - WELL, IT CAN'T BE.

IT'S BEEN THROUGH THE FACT-CHECKING PROCESS

WITH FLORENCE AND LUANNE IN MATERNITY.

HEY, HEY, THEY TOLD ME I COULD RUN WITH IT.

- WHY, YOU KEEP ON A-RUNNIN'

AND DON'T STOP TILL YOU REACH THE SCRUB CLOSET

AND WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP. NOW GET!

- LAVERNE, YOU'RE WHITE AS A GHOST?

- I JUST-I-I JUST FOUND OUT THEY IS SOME

HORRIBLE GOSSIP GOIN' AROUND ABOUT ME.

- WELL, I HATE TO SAY IT, BUT WHAT GOES AROUND,

COMES AROUND.

SO WHAT IS THIS HORRIBLE PIECE OF GOSSIP?

- YOU AND I ARE HAVIN' AN AFFAIR.

WE'RE DOIN' IT IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET.

- [both yelling]

- [laughs]

- I'M TELLING YOU, JENNIFER, I REALLY DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.

- LOOK, NOT ONLY IS HE HOLDING MY HAND,

HE'S HOLDING A NEWSPAPER WITH SUNDAY'S DATE ON IT.

- THAT STILL DOESN'T PROVE HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.

- WHY WOULD I GO TO THE TROUBLE

OF CARRYING THIS PHOTO AROUND IF IT WASN'T REAL?

- THAT'S WHAT YOU DID ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.

- LOOK, A FULL MOON. - OH, YEAH.

IT REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL UP HERE.

- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? - IT'S MY FAULT WE WERE LATE.

I SPENT AN HOUR LOOKING FOR MY DRESS SHOES

UNTIL I REALIZED I WAS WEARING THEM. HELLO.

[chuckling] NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

HAVE TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

ACTUALLY, I'M GOOD THROUGH JULY,

BUT, UH, I AM GUESSING THERE'S CHEESE IN THOSE TACOS.

EXCUSE ME.

- YOU KNOW, CAROL, I KNOW THAT I SAID

THAT I COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS DATE,

BUT I'M ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME.

- IT SURE LOOKS LIKE IT.

- OH, HE WAS SO SWEET WHEN HE PICKED ME UP.

HE BROUGHT ME FLOWERS AND HE REMEMBERED MY FAVORITE SONG,

AND PLAYED IT ON THE WAY OVER IN HIS CAR.

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE AN OLD-FASHIONED DATE.

- OH, IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL. - YEAH.

- OH, NO. HERE COMES EDDIE MARTIN.

THE MEANEST, NASTIEST JERK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I VOWED IF I EVER SAW HIM AGAIN,

I WOULDN'T GIVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY.

- CAROL WESTON? HA. YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

- 9:45.

- [giggling]

BOY, YOU SURE ARE A GOOD DANCER.

- AH...NOT REALLY.

ACTUALLY, I'M JUST TRYING TO...

WORK THE BRIEFS OUT OF MY BUTT.

- [giggling]

I REALLY DO MEAN IT. YOU ARE A GOOD DANCER.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

I WON A PRIZE ONCE FOR BEST COUPLE...

AND I WAS BY MYSELF. [chuckling]

- DANNY, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF DOWN?

- OH...IT'S EASIER THAN LIFTING MYSELF UP.

[laughing]

- COME ON. LET'S JUST DANCE.

- SURE. LOOK, EVERYBODY.

I'M A ONE-MAN CONGA LINE. [yelling]

- I DO HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

I DON'T CARE IF I WAS VOTED

"MOST LIKELY TO DRIVE MEN INTO THE PRIESTHOOD."

YOU WERE VOTED "MOST LIKELY TO HAVE ELECTROLYSIS"

AND, OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T!

THAT FELT GOOD. [laughing]

- HEY, EDDIE, YOU REMEMBER DANNY.

- HEY, PAL, DO ME A FAVOR. LIFT THAT END OF THE TABLE,

I'LL JUST STAND HERE AND UNHINGE MY JAW. MMM.

- COME ON, DANNY. THAT'S ENOUGH JOKES, OKAY?

- SURE. - IS THAT YOUR DATE?

- HE'S ACTUALLY VERY SWEET. I--

- HEY, IF THAT GRAVY BOWL GETS STUCK IN MY THROAT,

I HOPE YOU KNOW THE HEIMLICH.

[choking, laughing] - [all laughing]

- WILL YOU CUT IT OUT, DANNY? - OH, LOOK, HOW THOUGHTFUL...

AN AFTER-DINNER MINT. - [all laughing]

- TAKE ME HOME. - WHAT?

- I WANNA GO HOME. NOW!

- GUESS I'LL BE GOING. - FINE.

- BEFORE I GO, COULD YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?

I THOUGHT WE WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

- "I'M A ONE-MAN CONGA LINE.

"HEY, I'LL JUST PICK UP THE TABLE.

I'LL UNHINGE MY JAW! HELLO."

- THAT'S IT? THE FAT JOKES?

- THE FAT JOKES, THE PUTDOWNS, YES.

- EMILY, I ALWAYS DO THOSE KINDS OF JOKES.

HOW COME THEY NEVER BOTHERED YOU BEFORE?

- I DON'T KNOW. - WELL, I THINK I DO.

YOU WERE EMBARRASSED TO BE ON A DATE WITH A FAT GUY.

- THAT'S NOT TRUE. - IT IS TRUE.

YOU THINK I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS BEFORE?

YOU WERE ASHAMED TO BE SEEN WITH ME.

- LOOK, I'LL ADMIT THAT I HAD SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT GOING TO THE PARTY WITH YOU, YES.

BUT BY THE TIME WE'D GOTTEN THERE,

I'D FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT THAT.

I WAS HAPPY JUST BEING WITH YOU.

UNTIL YOU STARTED MAKING A JERK OUT OF YOURSELF.

- EMILY, I LEARNED A LONG TIME AGO

THAT IF YOU'RE FAT AND FUNNY, PEOPLE LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND.

YOU'RE A GREAT GUY, BUT IF YOU'RE NOT FUNNY,

THEN ALL YOU ARE IS FAT.

- DANNY, YOU ARE A GREAT GUY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE IT WITH FAT JOKES.

- HOLD IT. YOU'RE SAYING

YOU'D ACTUALLY GO OUT WITH A GUY LIKE ME?

- YES. I DID. AND I WOULD.

- STARTING NOW? - WHY NOT?

- OKAY... HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GO

AND GET A CUP OF COFFEE AT SALLY'S DINER?

- I'D LOVE TO. - GREAT.

THEY HAVE THIS SPECIAL DEAL WITH ME.

ALL I CAN EAT: $600.

AND--

START AGAIN.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO GO TO SALLY'S?

- I'D LOVE TO. - GREAT.

- [giggling]

[birds chirping]

[chattering]

- I DON'T THINK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD IDEA

US HAVIN' LUNCH TOGETHER WHAT WITH THIS RUMOR

ABOUT US HAVIN' AN AFFAIR GOIN' AROUND.

I FEEL LIKE THERE'S AN ENTIRE ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE

TRYIN' TO PICTURE US DOING IT TOGETHER.

- LAVERNE, I THINK YOUR IMAGINATION

IS WORKING OVERTIME.

OH, LET'S--LET'S--LET'S JUST IGNORE THEM

AND JUST HAVE LUNCH, OKAY? - UH-HUH.

OH, LORDY. QUICK. PUT THAT JELL-O BACK.

- WHY? - 'CAUSE I HAVE A JELL-O.

IF WE'RE BOTH HAVIN' JELL-O, IT'D LOOK LIKE WE'VE BEEN

WIGGLIN' AROUND IN THE WARM SUN A-SO MUCH,

WE'RE STARTIN' TO EAT THE SAME FOOD.

- LAVERNE, NOW I THINK YOU'RE GETTING PARANOID.

- WELL... - HEY, HEY.

HEY.

- I'LL HAVE BREAD PUDDING. I THINK I'LL HAVE BREAD PUDDING.

- OKAY. HERE'S THE PLAN.

WE MAKE A BREAK FOR SEPARATE TABLES

AND WE DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT AT ALL, UNDERSTAND?

NOW, WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL, HE HIGHTAIL IT.

CRACKERS AND CHEESE.

- NO, I DON'T WANT ANY. THANKS.

- NO, THAT'S THE SIGNAL.

- "CRACKERS AND CHEESE" IS THE SIGNAL?

IT'S A DUMB SIGNAL.

- JUST GO. WE'LL HONE THE SIGNAL LATER.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, LOOK.

WE ARE JUST GONNA SIT DOWN AND EAT LUNCH

LIKE TWO NORMAL PEOPLE...

SO TO SPEAK.

- BREAD AND BUTTER.

- PLEASE.

SIT.

LAVERNE, SIT.

THANK YOU.

NOW JUST--JUST--LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT EVERYBODY.

- OKAY. FINE. BUT TRY NOT TO LOOK

LIKE YOU'RE HAPPY TO BE WITH ME.

- I'LL MAKE AN EFFORT.

- AH! - WHAT?

- WE'RE EATIN' OUR VEGGIES AT THE SAME TIME.

CRACKERS AND CHEESE. - NO! THAT'S IT.

NO, NO, THERE'S NO MORE "CRACKERS AND CHEESE."

THIS IS THE ONLY EMPTY TABLE.

- DOCTOR...

YOUR HAND IS TOUCHING MY ARM.

- MAYBE I SHOULD TAKE IT OFF. - NO, DON'T DO THAT.

- I MEAN, WHAT, THEN I SHOULD LEAVE IT THERE?

- NO, DON'T DO THAT EITHER.

I KNOW. PRETEND THAT BIG VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD

FINALLY POPPED AND WHILE YOU'RE CLUTCHIN' YOUR HEAD

AND SCREAMIN' IN PAIN, I'LL MAKE A RUN FOR IT.

I'LL RENT ME A BOAT AND PADDLE THEM 80 MILES TO CUBA.

WELL, CRACKERS AND CHEESE TO YOU,

AND IF WE EVER MEET AGAIN, I'M CONSUELA.

- NO. THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

GONNA PUT A STOP TO THIS RIGHT NOW.

EVERYBODY, EXCUSE ME. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

- NO, DOCTOR. I STARTED THIS. - NO, I--LISTEN,

I THINK YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW-- - I'LL FINISH IT.

JUST SIT DOWN, DOCTOR. NOW, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.

- IT'S OBVIOUS WHO WEARS THE PANTS IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.

- [both giggling]

- I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

- [both gasping] - IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKIN',

SO YOU CAN JUST SWAB THEM NASTY LITTLE THOUGHTS

RIGHT OUT OF YOUR HEADS.

NOW, WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THAT STOREROOM DOOR

WAS SIMPLY DR. WESTON A-HELPIN' ME CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

BUT YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO TURN IT

INTO A SMARMY LITTLE STORY, BESMIRCHIN' MY REPUTATION

AND THE REPUTATION OF THE FINEST PEDIATRICIAN IN MIAMI.

- HE'S THE HORNIEST PEDIATRICIAN IN MIAMI.

- [both giggling]

- I HEARD THAT!

WELL, I HAVE TOO MUCH RESPECT FOR THIS MAN

TO LET IT GO ON A MINUTE LONGER.

YOU SEE, DOIN' THE GOSSIP IS ONE THING,

BEIN' THE VICTIM OF IT IS ANOTHER.

I'M ASHAMED I'S EVER A PART OF IT, AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO.

- WELL DONE, LAVERNE.

- OH, NOW.

I THINK THE GOOD DOCTOR AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH

OF YO'UNS THIS COMPANY FOR ONE AFTERNOON.

- I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. - MM-HMM.

- I'M SORRY, LAVERNE.

- [apologetically] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

- WELL, I'M GLAD WE FINALLY PUT THAT TO REST.

- NOONER, NOONER, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE A MATINEE.

- [all guffawing]

- AH, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. - HEY. HEY.

- LISTEN, I WANNA STRAIGHTEN SOMETHING OUT.

NOW--NOW YOU KNOW THERE WAS NEVER ANY TRUTH TO THAT GOSSIP.

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. - ALL RIGHT. COME ON, PERRY.

COME ON, COME ON. I'LL SHOW YOU EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

- WHAT? - WE WENT INTO THE CLOSET,

AND--AND...JUST TO--TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB.

THE DOOR WAS AJAR. NOW, COME ON NOW.

LAVERNE WAS STANDING ON TOP OF THIS BOX HERE.

- OH, HO, HO, HO, YEAH. - NOW, YOU KNOW,

SHE'S VERY TICKLISH. - UH-HUH.

- SO I SAID--I SAID,

"STOP SQUIRMING I CAN'T GET A HOLD OF YOU."

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

- I SAID "COME ON. THAT'S ENOUGH. STOP FOOLING AROUND."

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. - COME ON!

- OH, MY GOD.

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