Original subtitles

- YEAH, WELL, SINCE I'M GONNA BE STUCK HERE

FOR THE STUPID SUPER BOWL GAME, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE REGULAR FOOD?

- THIS IS REGULAR.

- I MEAN LIKE HOT DOGS. - HOT DOGS? ARE YOU SUICIDAL?

- NO, BUT KEEP TALKING...

- BAH BAH BAH BAH!

OH, THIS SOUNDS LIKE AN ARGUMENT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FAMILY DAY, REMEMBER.

- SORRY, HARRY. ALL RIGHT.

[doorbell rings] OH! I GOT IT!

- GET READY TO PART WITH SOME MONEY,

'CAUSE MY BOYS' GON' KICK YOUR TEAM'S BUTT

FROM HERE TO TAMPA.

- IN YOUR DREAMS, LOSER! - ALL RIGHT.

- LAVERNE, COME IN.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO EXPLAIN THE REFRESHMENTS.

- EXPLAIN 'EM? WHAT'S TO EXPLAIN?

MUSTARD, WEENIE, BUN. THE END.

- NO, NO. SEE, CAROL HAD TO GO

WITH AN HAUTE CUISINE SUPER BOWL THEME.

- OH, LORD.

- I'VE STARTED WITH A FIELD OF VEGETABLE PATE

TINTED GREEN WITH A PUREE OF PARSLEY.

AND LITTLE GOALPOSTS MADE OUT OF CELERY STICKS.

AND HERE WE HAVE MUSSELS TO SYMBOLIZE...

MUSCLES! GET IT?

- LUCKILY, I BROUGHT SOMETHIN' TO SYMBOLIZE THE PIG SKIN.

PORK RINDS!

- ALL RIGHT! - YEAH! THERE WE GO!

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE MAKING ME SPEND SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY

SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV

WHILE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE OUT IN THE FRESH AIR BACKPACKING.

- EMILY, DEAR, WE'VE DISCUSSED THIS

THIS IS OUR QUALITY TIME. FAMILY TIME.

- YES, DEAR, THIS IS SUPER BOWL TIME.

AN AMERICAN INSTITUTION.

- SINCE WHEN D'YOU GET SO INTERESTED IN FOOTBALL, CAROL?

- OH, I HATE FOOTBALL.

BUT PATRICK GOT A CHANCE TO GO TO THE GAME,

SO I PROMISED I'D WATCH FOR HIM IN THE STANDS.

- CAROL, THE ROSE BOWL HOLDS OVER 100,000 PEOPLE.

- AH, BUT PATRICK WILL BE WEARING

JEANS AND A YELLOW SWEATER.

- UH-HUH.

- ALRIGHT, TIME FOR SUPER BOWL PREGAME!

[fanfare] - WELCOME, FANS.

YES, INDEED, IT IS FINALLY HERE.

IT'S SUPER BOWL SUNDAY

OH, MY! WHAT A BARNBURNER WE'VE GOT TO--

[TV static]

- DAMN CABLE! THIS NEVER USED TO HAPPEN WITH RABBIT EARS.

- YOU KNOW, I'D BE HAPPY TO HIKE OVER TO THE CABLE COMPANY

AND REPORT THIS.

- SIT DOWN. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- WELL, WE GOT OVER AN HOUR TILL THE KICKOFF

I CAN PROBABLY GET IT WORKIN' BY THEN.

LET ME GO IN THE KITCHEN GET SOME TOOL.

- GREAT.

SO WHAT DO WE DO IN THE MEANTIME?

- I KNOW! I'VE BEEN WORKING ON SOME HAIKUS.

- I'LL BITE. WHAT'S A HAIKU?

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A FORM OF JAPANESE POETRY.

I'LL GO GET SOME OF MINE TO READ TO YOU.

- [stuttering] LAVERNE!

- I'M SORRY, DOCTOR. I WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT ONE.

- [sighing] - HAIKUS?

DAD, GIMME A BREAK!

- COME ON, YOU KNOW YOUR SISTER.

WHEN IT COMES TO SELF-EXPRESSION,

SHE'S IN A CLASS ALL HER OWN.

- READING CHAUCER IN THE ORIGINAL MIDDLE ENGLISH

IS TRULY A LYRICAL EXPERIENCE.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I READ A BIT OUT LOUD?

- [grumbling] - GOOD, LISTEN.

"A POVRE WYDWE

"SOMDEEL STAPE IN AGE

WAS WHILOM DWELLING IN A NARWE COTAGE."

THIS IS JUST WHAT WE NEED. WE HAVE TO GET ARRESTED!

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THE PEOPLE WILL KNOW ABOUT OUR CAUSE!

WE CANNOT REST

AS LONG AS THERE IS ONE PLASTIC BUBBLE

PROTECTING A CHINTZY GIFT

SENT TO YOU BY SOME GUY

WHO'S TRYING TO BUY YOU OFF BECAUSE HE DUMPED YOU.

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MISTER!

IT'S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE!

WHERE WAS I?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WELL... - LOOK DEEPLY, BARBARA.

THESE ARE NOT JUST ANY FLOWERS.

MY FLOWERS CRY OUT: "LET ME DRINK!"

"LET ME DRINK FOR MY SOUL IS PARCHED."

- WHAT A NUT!

- YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

WELL, YOU WERE LOOKIN' AT ME.

[toast popping up]

HASTA LA VISTA, BAGEL!

OKAY, DADDY, NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS:

"'OUCH!' YES, JUMPY, THAT NEEDLE DOES HURT.

"BUT THE MEDICINE RELEASED INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM

"WILL STOP THAT INFECTION

FROM SPREADING TO YET ANOTHER ORGAN."

- CAROL, DEAR, I DON'T THINK WE WANNA SAY THAT.

- WELL, DADDY, WE CAN'T LIE TO THESE KIDS.

COMPLETE HONESTY IS ESSENTIAL.

- OKAY, LET'S COME BACK TO THAT.

WHAT--WHAT'S NEXT?

- "JUMPY, YOU NEEDED THAT SHOT BECAUSE DURING THE OPERATION

YOU ASPIRATED ON YOUR OWN VOMIT."

- DOCTOR, HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?

THIS TOOL BOX IS MESSIER THAN A...

THAN A...

- THAN A WHAT?

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE AT A LOSS FOR A COLORFUL PHRASE.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- NOTHING, I'M SURE YOU CAN MAKE YOUR POINT WITH SOME...

FAR-FETCHED STORY FROM BACK IN HICKORY.

SHE ALWAYS HAS.

- IN MY TOWN, WE DIDN'T HAVE DATIN'.

YOU WASHED YOUR HAIR EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT

AND THEN WHEN YOU WERE 14, YOU MARRIED YOUR COUSIN.

DON'T WORRY. THESE BLIND PEOPLE CAN BE VERY RESOURCEFUL.

WE HAD ONE BACK IN HICKORY. HIS NAME WAS DOOLEY TIPPET.

TOOK AN OLD BLOODHOUND, TURNED HIM INTO A GOOD GUIDE DOG.

THINGS WORKED OUT REAL WELL

TILL ONE DAY THAT DOG SPOTTED HIM

A RABBIT TEARIN' INTO THE WOODS

AND TOOK DOOLEY ON THE RIDE OF HIS LIFE.

- LETTER FROM HOME, HUH?

- TUESDAY WAS THE SADDEST DAY

IN THE HISTORY OF HICKORY, ARKANSAS.

UNCLE WALTER DIED. HE WAS LOVED BY ALL.

- OH, LAVERNE, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

- HE WEIGHED 672 POUND.

- THAT'S BIG! - MM-HMM.

ONE NIGHT I WATCHED UNCLE WALTER

EAT AN ENTIRE SACK OF POTATOES.

A COUPLE OF GALLONS OF PORK AND BEANS

AND A HALF-DOZEN LOAVES OF STALE SOURDOUGH BREAD

LOUISE PRITCHARD HAD BRUNG BACK FROM SAN FRANCISCO

WHERE SHE WAS VISITING HER HOMOSEXUAL NEPHEW CLIFFORD.

- YOU'RE KIDDING ME!

- I SWEAR TO YOU!

SHE VISITS HIM ONCE A YEAR. HE WORKS IN A NIGHTCLUB

WHERE HE DRESSES UP LIKE JOAN RIVERS.

ANYWAY, GRAVY MORLOCK'S A FELLA BACK HOME.

BEST DREAM INTERPRETER THEY IS.

NOW, IT WAS GRAVY FIGURED OUT

THAT MARY LEE JENKIN'S DREAM WAS A PREMONITION

THAT HER PRIZE PIG WOULD MEET WITH AN ACCIDENT.

TWO DAYS LATER, THAT PIG WAS STRUCK BY LIGHTNIN' AND DIED.

- WOW!

- WELL, NOW, NATURALLY

SOME PEOPLE SAID IT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE

OTHERS SAID IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN THE WAY MARY LEE

KEPT A LIGHTNIN' ROD A-STRAPPED TO THE ANIMAL.

BUT I SAY GRAVY MORLOCK

IS ONE OF THE WISEST MEN THAT EVER LIVED, A TRUE GENIUS.

- SO CAN WE CALL HIM?

- NO, HE'S NOT REACHABLE.

HE'S OUTTA TOWN A-COMPETIN'

IN THE ANNUAL SPIT-FOR-DISTANCE CONTEST.

LET'S SEE, HERE'S GRANDMA HATTIE.

BOY, SHE'S A BIG 'UN.

ONCE IN '57 A HELLACIOUS TWISTER COME THROUGH TOWN

KNOCKED DOWN HOUSES, UPROOTED TREES

WIPED OUT EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR GRANDMA HATTIE

AND THOSE TWELVE CHILDREN

A-CLINGIN' TO HER FIRE PLUG LEGS.

TOWN PINNED HER WITH THE HICKORY MEDAL OF VALOR.

ACTUALLY, THEY STUCK IT RIGHT IN HER

BUT SHE DIDN'T FEEL A THING.

- LAVERNE...

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS NEED YOU HAVE FOR CONTROL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT'S ABOUT?

- WELL, I-I GUESS IT GOES BACK TO MY GROWIN' UP ON A FARM.

MONEY WAS TIGHT.

IT WAS UP TO ME TO BRING IN THE COTTON CROP

UNLESS THEY FORECLOSE ON US.

LUCKILY, WE HAD THE HELP OF A KINDLY BUT BLIND BOARDER--

- WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT'S A MOVIE--THAT'S-- THAT'S PLACES IN THE HEART.

- DID I SAY "FARM"?

I MEANT COAL MINE.

SEE, DOO HAD JUST GOT BACK FROM THE ARMY--

- NO, NO, NO! THAT'S COAL MINER'S DAUGHTER.

- ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'M PUSHY! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PUSHY,

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M PUSHY, I'M JUST PUSHY.

- AY! AY!

- I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL!

THAT'S THAT YOU GET FOR MAKIN' UP ALL THEM STORIES ABOUT ME.

- DADDY, HURRY, THE MATCH STARTS IN 20 MINUTES.

- CAROL, I'VE TOLD YOU...

IT'S A GAME. IT'S NOT A MATCH.

- NO OFFENSE, BUT WOULD YOU GUYS MIND IF I BLEW THIS OFF?

- FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, YES. THIS IS A FAMILY DAY.

NOW, SIT DOWN AND ENJOY YOURSELF, DAMN IT.

- HA, HA, GREETINGS, GRIDIRON FANS.

WANNA PRACTICE OUR WAVE?

- CHARLEY, WE CAN'T WATCH THE SUPER BOWL. THE CABLE'S OUT.

- YOU MEAN IT WAS OUT, TILL I SHIMMIED UP THE CABLE POLE.

WHICH, BY THE WAY, WAS WORTH IT JUST FOR THE RIDE DOWN.

- YOU FIXED THE CABLE?

- I NOT ONLY FIXED IT. I IMPROVED IT.

FROM NOW ON, FREE PLAYBOY CHANNEL

FOR THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

- CHARLEY, THAT'S NOTHING BUT A WEATHER MAP.

- HMM. - [static]

- THEY'RE ALL "THE WEATHER CHANNEL"!

NICE ONE, CHARLEY!

- NOW WE'LL NEVER SEE THE SUPER BOWL.

[gasping]

I FEEL A HAIKU COMING ON.

LITTLE FOOTBALL MAN...

YOU HAVE LEFT MY TV SET

NO SUPER BOWL...WOO.

I HAVE TO WRITE THIS DOWN.

- I'D BETTER GO CHECK THAT CABLE POLE.

- THAT'S IT! I'M OUTTA HERE. - WAIT, WAIT, WAIT...

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

I KNEW IT!

I SHOULD'VE GONE TO PASADENA TO SEE THE GAME.

- OH, YOU DON'T WANNA GO THERE, HARRY.

THEY'RE EXPECTING PATCHY LOW CLOUDS.

- GOD, DREYF, COULD YOU BELIEVE THE WAY HARRY YELLED AT ME?

- SAVE YOUR BREATH. THAT DOG GIVES TERRIBLE ADVICE.

- HEY, CAROL, WAS IT HARD FOR YOU TO MOVE BACK IN WITH DADDY?

DIDN'T YOU FEEL LIKE HE WAS INTERFERING IN YOUR LIFE?

JUST SMOTHERING YOU?

- NO.

ACTUALLY, THAT WAS HIS COMPLAINT ABOUT ME.

BUT BARBARA, THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

SHE AND DADDY STARTED BUTTING HEADS

BEFORE SHE EVEN UNPACKED HER BAGS.

- HA, HA, THIS IS GREAT! YOU'RE HOME!

- YAY.

DADDY, YOU SAID I COULD LIVE HERE

THE SAME WAY I LIVED IN MY APARTMENT.

I MEAN, REALLY, IN MY APARTMENT, DO YOU THINK I WAS CELIBATE?

- YES!

- DADDY, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S EMBARRASSED HERE!

I KNOW THIS IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD'VE DISCUSSED

AND THEN EASED INTO. - NO, NO, NO!

THERE'S NO...THERE'S NO DISCUSSION NECESSARY.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS...RULE 1:

NO CHUCK.

- WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT HAPPENED TO "NO RULES"?

WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS ALL OF A SUDDEN?

- BARBARA, THIS IS NOT "ALL OF A SUDDEN."

THIS HAS BEEN FIVE VERY LONG DAYS IN COMING.

- DADDY, I SAID I WAS SORRY ABOUT CHUCK.

- THIS IS NOT ONLY ABOUT CHUCK.

THIS IS ABOUT THE WHOLE LIVING ARRANGEMENT.

THIS IS ABOUT NIGHTS

WITH THE TELEVISION BLARING FROM YOUR ROOM.

GOING IN YOUR ROOM AND FINDING NOT ONLY THE TV,

BUT THE STEREO AND EVERY LIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE ON!

BARBARA, HOOVER DAM CALLED.

THEY'RE A LITTLE TIRED.

THEY WERE HOPING THAT PERHAPS WE COULD TURN A FEW THINGS OFF!

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT!

- UTILITIES. - YES, UTILITIES!

NUMBER 2:

WE TURN THINGS OFF.

STARTING WITH CHUCK!

- HI.

- BARBARA, DEAR.

CONSIDERING THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE MOVING OUT IN A COUPLE OF DAYS

AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH YOUR DEAR OLD DAD

MUCH LONGER, CAN I SAY JUST ONE THING?

- SURE, DADDY.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DRESSED LIKE THAT?

THAT IS DISGRACEFUL!

- I LIKE IT!

- LOOK, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT A LOT LATELY,

AND I THINK THERE IS A CHANCE THAT HANK...

[sighing] IS MARRIED.

BARBARA?

- YOU ARE JUST UNBELIEVABLE.

- HERE WE GO!

- BARBARA, WAIT! - DADDY, DON'T YOU THINK

THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE CRAZY?

I MEAN, NO MATTER WHO I BRING HOME,

YOU FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

THEY'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH,

THEY'RE NOT KIND ENOUGH, GENEROUS ENOUGH.

WHO IS IT YOU EXPECT ME TO GO OUT WITH? SANTA CLAUS?

- WELL, NO DEAR, I'M AFRAID HE'S MARRIED, TOO.

- HE'S NOT MARRIED!

- OF COURSE HE IS, DEAR!

MRS. CLAUS!

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE CONSIDERING...

- THAT'S RIGHT. ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

I HAVE A LIST OF SPERM BANKS RIGHT HERE.

- WE'VE DONE A LOT OF RESEARCH ON THE SUBJECT, DADDY.

IT'S SAFE, EASY, IT'S ABOUT LIKE HAVING YOUR APPENDIX OUT.

- YES, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEND YOUR APPENDIX TO COLLEGE.

BARBARA, HAVING CHILDREN IS DANGEROUS AND DIFFICULT WORK!

THAT'S WHY PARENTS USUALLY TRAVEL IN PAIRS!

- WELL, I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD OBLIGATE SOME GUY

FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE JUST BECAUSE I NEED HIM FOR AN HOUR.

- AN HOUR?

- WHEN YOU PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME

I GET A FEVER THAT'S SO HARD TO BEAR

YOU GIVE ME FEVER

WHEN YOU KISS ME, FEVER WHEN YOU HOLD ME TIGHT

FEVER

IN THE MORNING

FEVER ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT - IT'S NOW CLOSED UP HERE!

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER OVER HERE! YOU! YOU, YOU'RE GROUNDED.

- SUN LIGHTS UP THE DAYTIME - THAT'S IT, FOLKS. SHOW'S OVER.

- THE MOON LIGHTS UP THE NIGHT - NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

- SO YOU SEE, EMILY, IF DADDY YELLS AT YOU

OR DISAPPROVES OF YOU OR TRIES TO RUN YOUR LIFE,

IT'S JUST BECAUSE...

HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN HE LOVES ME.

- COOL!

- HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA LEAVIN' THE DIETZTER ALL ALONE

WITH NO LOVELY LADIES BY HIS SIDE?

- CHARLEY, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT GUYS WHO TALK ABOUT SCORING

AS MUCH AS YOU DO...DON'T.

- BLASPHEMER!

- HONESTLY, WHAT KIND OF WOMAN

COULD POSSIBLY FALL FOR ONE OF YOUR LINES?

- A WIDE VARIETY, A VAST ARRAY.

BABES FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE AND BOTH SIDES OF THE TRACKS.

- BEING A METER MAID IS DANGEROUS WORK

AND VERY FEW PEOPLE REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF US THINK IT WOULD REALLY UPGRADE OUR IMAGE

TO BE KNOWN AS "METER ANALYSTS."

OOH!

DID YOU SAY YOU LIVED HERE ALONE?

- YUP.

- WHO ARE THESE WOMEN?

- WOMEN? - IN THESE PICTURES?

ARE THEY FAMILY?

- OKAY, SURE! GOOD!

I JUST STOPPED BY TO SHOW OFF GINA.

SHE HAS A... WELL, RATHER SPECIAL TALENT.

- I'M SURE SHE DOES.

- GIVE HER A CITY, SHE'LL GIVE YOU THE ZIP CODE.

- CHARLEY, WE HAVE COMPANY.

- THAT'S OKAY.

GINA'S INCREDIBLE. GO AHEAD, ANY CITY AT ALL.

- SYRACUSE, NEW YORK.

- 13212.

- IS SHE SOMETHIN' OR WHAT?

- IT'S LIKE EINSTEIN IN A TUBE TOP.

- AMY, THIS ISN'T RIGHT!

YOU SLEEP WITH ME, YOU MAKE ME THINK YOU CARE ABOUT ME

AND THEN YOU WALK OUT OF MY LIFE JUST LIKE THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

WHERE HAVE I HEARD THIS BEFORE?

- HOW DID YOU GET TO BE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP

AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE?

- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I DIDN'T SLEEP MY WAY TO THE TOP,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT AVENUE'S CLOSED OFF TO YOU.

- YOU'RE GONNA MARRY THIS WOMAN

BECAUSE YOU HAVE HER NAME TATTOOED ON YOUR ARM?

- YEAH.

IT'S AN AMERICAN DREAM, HARRY. AND IT'S COMING TRUE

FOR THE FUTURE MR. AND MRS. CHARLEY DIETZ.

- THIS IS WEIRD, BUT I GUESS... CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER.

- THANKS, HARRY. - SURE THING.

- AND TO THINK I OWE IT ALL TO THIS BABY.

HEY, LOOK...

IT'S FADING.

- WELL, MAYBE THE GUY DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH INK IN HIS NEEDLE.

- WHAT NEEDLE?

- THE NEEDLE HE USED WHEN HE GAVE YOU THE TATTOO.

- OH, I HATE NEEDLES.

THIS BABY'S PURE MAGIC MARKER.

- CHARLEY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET RID OF THAT

IS JUST SCRUB IT OFF.

- YOU MEAN I DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

- RIGHT.

- OR THIS?

PAM...

SCRAM.

- GOOD-BYE.

- COME ON IN, GIRLS. DON'T BOTHER TO WIPE YOUR FEET

'CAUSE I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY CARPETS.

AH HA HA HA HA!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN VERMONT.

- UH, THE TRIP WAS CANCELED, CHARLEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WE...

WE...

WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

all: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS

- YOUR...GORGEOUSNESS.

- JE SUIS DEAR.

[murmuring]

YOU'RE WICKED. I LIKE YOU!

BERNICE DAPHNE WESTON.

- UGH!

BUT IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.

- HOW DID IT GO, DADDY? DID YOU GET THE TV FIXED?

- I NEED A BEER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE BEER?

- [burping]

- WELL, THIS FITS RIGHT INTO THE REST OF THE DAY.

BY THE WAY, CAROL,

YOUR PATE IS BEGINNING TO CURL UP AROUND THE END ZONES.

- [gasping] OH, MY GOD!

- I'M SURPRISED YOU'RE STILL HERE.

I FIGURED YOU'D BE IN THE HIMALAYAS BY NOW.

- HARRY...

DAD...

LOOK, I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

- OH, COME ON. IT'S ALRIGHT. IT'S OKAY.

I CAN'T BLAME YOU IF YOU DON'T WANNA WATCH

SOME DUMB FOOTBALL GAME WITH YOUR FATHER.

- I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

IT'S FUN CATCHING UP

ON WHAT EVERYBODY'S BEEN UP TO AROUND HERE.

WELL, ALL EXCEPT FOR DREYF.

[laughing] GOOD OLD DREYF.

HE NEVER DOES ANYTHING BUT SLEEP AND EAT.

- [humming]

- GOOD NEWS, HARRY!

THE BITCH IS IN HEAT.

- I'LL SHOP FOR A HALLMARK CARD.

- I MEAN IT, HARRY. THE TIME IS NOW.

MY PUREBRED IS READY TO BE SIRED.

- SO? WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

- IT'S ALL ARRANGED.

IT'S ALL ARRANGED. AMANDA'S OUT THERE LOOKING HER BEST.

THIS CHAMPION BLUE BLOOD IS ON HIS WAY OVER.

SIR BIG JACK AT CORAL GABLES.

- SOUNDS LIKE ROYALTY.

- YEAH, IN A LITTLE WHILE, THERE'LL BE

A CANINE COUPLING OF TWO PURE-BLOODS

THAT WILL MAKE ME RICH.

OH, MY GOD! WAIT A MINUTE!

HEY, DREYFUSS!

CUT IT OUT! STOP IT! STOP IT!

QUICK! HARRY, WHERE'S YOUR GARDEN HOSE?

[barking]

TOO LATE, IT'S OVER.

- WELL, DON'T BLAME ME!

I ONLY TAUGHT DREYFUSS TO PLAY ROLL OVER AND DEAD.

- NO WARNING, NO FOREPLAY, JUST WHAM, BAM,

THANK YOU, AMANDA.

- OKAY, CAROL, LET 'ER RIP.

- YES! IT'S WORKING! - DADDY! EMILY!

OOH! I THINK I SEE PATRICK!

NO, THAT'S MR. PEANUT.

- AH! LAVERNE! YOU'RE INCREDIBLE!

- WELL, IT WAS A CONNECTOR. I REWIRED IT.

- WAY TO GO!

- BUT IT'S STILL A LITTLE FUZZY.

JUST LET ME TIGHTEN IT UP. CAROL, TOSS ME THEM PLIERS.

- THESE?

OKAY, GO OUT FOR A PASS, LAVERNE!

[glass breaks]

- NO SANDY. YOU HAVE IT ALL MIXED UP.

I'M TAKIN' BUFFALO, YOU'RE TAKIN' DALLAS.

NOW, I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER WHY I CHOSE BUFFALO.

I WENT TO THE DRUGSTORE THAT DAY.

I BOUGHT TOOTHPASTE, DENTAL FLOSS, Q-TIPS--

WHAT'S THE POINT?

WELL, THE POINT IS...

I GOT A NICKEL BACK IN CHANGE...

A BUFFALO ON IT.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE A BUFFALO NICKEL?

DON'T YOU SEE? IT WAS AN OMEN.

A FORESHADOWIN', A FORETELLIN'--

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO?

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