Original subtitles

[automatic dialing]

[ringing]

- YOU HAVE REACHED THE RADISON MEDICAL SUPPLY COMPANY.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO ACCOUNTING,

PRESS 1 NOW.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO CORPORATE,

PRESS 2 NOW.

IF YOU'D LIKE THE ORDER DEPARTMENT,

PRESS 3 NOW.

YOU HAVE REACHED THE ORDER DEPARTMENT.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO ORDER BANDAGES,

PRESS 1 NOW.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO ORDER BAND-AIDS, PRESS 2 NOW.

YOU HAVE REACHED THE BAND-AID DEPARTMENT.

IF YOU'D LIKE TO ORDER 3/4 INCH BAND-AIDS--

- TAKE YOUR BAND-AID AND STICK IT!

- HEY, LAVERNE, DID YOU ORDER THOSE BAND-AIDS?

- NO! YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE TROUBLE I HAD GETTIN' THROUGH.

- REALLY? RADISON'S ALWAYS BEEN CUSTOMER-FRIENDLY.

DID YOU DIAL THE RIGHT NUMBER?

- OF COURSE I DID!

THEY GOT TOO BIG. TOO AUTOMATED.

YOU CAN FORGET IT DOCTOR! IT'S ALL COMPUTERS NOW.

[automatic dialing]

- YOU HAVE REACHED THE RADISON MEDICAL SUPPLY COMPANY.

- RADISON SPEAKING. WHO'S THIS? - DR. WESTON IN MIAMI.

- OH, SURE! HI, HARRY. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?

- OH, HEY, CHARLIE! YEAH, HI.

WE'D LIKE TWO GROSS OF THE 3/4 INCH BAND-AIDS.

- YOU'LL HAVE THEM BY THURSDAY. THANK YOU.

- OKAY. BYE-BYE.

- HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

- WELL...

I'M GOOD.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL, AS LIFE GOES ON

- OKAY, MASON. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

THERE YOU GO, HE'S BEEN SUCH A GOOD BOY.

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM A SPECIAL PRESCRIPTION.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU TAKE ONE EXTRA DOSE OF PUMPKIN PIE AFTER EATING

CAUTION: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. HEH HEH HEH!

THERE YOU GO. [pops mouth]

- REAL FUNNY, DOCTOR. I THINK YOU CAUSE DROWSINESS.

- AH! THANKSGIVING!

I LOVE THIS HOLIDAY, LAVERNE!

- YOU DON'T KNOW DIDDLY ABOUT THANKSGIVIN'.

- I KNOW DIDDLY.

- IN HICKORY, WE KNEW THANKSGIVIN'.

EVERYBODY WOULD COME AND BRING SOMETHIN'.

COUSIN TUPPY WOULD ARRIVE WITH BASKETS OF JAM AND SUCCOTASH,

THE BRAISY TWINS, WILMA AND WINNIE,

WOULD COME WITH HUBBARD SQUASH AND POPOVERS.

AUNT EDNA WOULD COME BY WITH SQUAW BREAD AND POOH BUTTER.

UNCLE BEN WOULD BRING RICE.

- OKAY, OKAY, LAVERNE. I GET IT, I GET IT.

SO I GUESS YOU'RE GOING BACK HOME FOR THANKSGIVING.

- NO.

CROP-DUSTER ACCIDENT AT GRANDMA'S HOUSE.

THE GOVERNMENT'S PAYIN' FOR IT TOO.

NOW AUNT EDNA STARTED TO VOLUNTEER TO--

OH, IT'S A LONG STORY.

- THEY ALL ARE, AREN'T THEY, HUH?

- SO I'LL BE HAVIN' THANKSGIVING DINNER

RIGHT HERE IN THE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA.

$12.95, ALL YOU CAN EAT. PLUS THREE DIFFERENT GRAVIES.

- LAVERNE, THAT'S CRAZY!

NO, I WANT YOU TO HAVE THANKSGIVING WITH US.

- AFTER WHAT HAPPEN TWO YEAR AGO,

YOU GOTTA BE YANKIN' MY WADDLE!

- LAVERNE, IT WAS AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.

IT'S FORGOTTEN. - NOT BY ME.

- COME ON, LAVERNE. YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME.

CAROL WILL BE THERE, PATRICK WILL BE THERE,

CHARLEY AND A DATE WILL BE THERE.

- WELL, THANKS, DOCTOR. BUT I DON'T THINK SO.

- OH, COME ON. WHY?

- CAROL'LL BE THERE, PATRICK'LL BE THERE,

CHARLEY AND A DATE'LL BE THERE.

- THREE DIFFERENT GRAVIES, HUH?

AH! EIGHTY-FIVE DEGREES.

I LOVE THESE BRISK THANKSGIVINGS IN MIAMI.

HA HA... HOO HOO... HA!

THANKSGIVING! LOVE IT!

OOH, DREYF. IT'S A GOOD DAY FOR MY DREYF.

IT'S A BAD DAY FOR TURKEYS.

AW, I JUST WISH EVERYBODY ELSE WAS HERE,

ALL TOGETHER, I MEAN...

BARBARA'S OFF WORKING... WHERE, I DON'T KNOW,

EMILY'S OFF TRAVELING... WHERE, I DON'T KNOW.

THE ONLY STEADY, RELIABLE ONE IS CAROL.

- DADDY!

I'VE GOT GIBLETS IN MY SHOES

AND I CAN'T CRISP MY ONION RINGS.

THE TOASTER OVEN'S BROKEN!

- THE TOASTER OVEN? I THOUGHT I FIXED THAT!

- YOU BANGED ON IT. YOU HIT IT A FEW TIMES.

DADDY, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER AND A GREAT DOCTOR,

BUT LET'S FACE IT, YOU'RE NOT THE HANDIEST MAN IN THE WORLD.

- I'M HANDY. I CAN FIX THINGS. I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

- I HATE THESE FLOATS. IT'S THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR.

NO ARTISTIC REDEEMING VALUE.

THEY JUST PANDER TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR.

ALL RIGHT! SPIDER-MAN!

- WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD WIN IN A STREET FIGHT?

SPIDER-MAN OR BATMAN?

- TOE-TO-TOE IN A STREET FIGHT?

BATMAN. - NO WAY!

SPIDER-MAN COULD SPIN HIS WEB AND TANGLE HIM UP.

- YEAH, BUT BATMAN COULD SLICE THROUGH THAT WEB

WITH HIS BAT BOOMERANG.

- YEAH, BUT SPIDER-MAN'S GOT THAT COOL SPIDER TRACER

THAT ENABLES HIM TO-- - I CANNOT STAND THIS!

- HEY! HEY! - NO!

- THERE IS A PBS SPECIAL ON THE MEANING OF THANKSGIVING.

- WHAT?

- THE PILGRIMS' PERSECUTION OF THE INDIANS.

SHOULD WE BE HAVING THANKSGIVINGS OR MISGIVINGS?

- SOMEBODY SHOOT HER WITH A BLUNDERBUSS.

- I GOT THE BACK OF THE TOASTER OVEN OFF

AND I'VE DISCOVERED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.

IT'S BROKEN.

[doorbell ringing]

- I'LL GET IT.

- HOWDY.

- LAVERNE, I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T COMING.

- WELL, I WASN'T, FOR REASONS OF WHICH YOU ARE WELL AWARE,

BUT IT'S THANKSGIVIN'.

I DECIDED I WANTED TO BE WITH A FAMILY.

EVEN IF IT WAS A DYSFUNCTIONAL ONE.

- LAVERNE! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!

WELCOME. HAPPY THANKSGIVING. JUST IN TIME FOR DINNER.

COME ON, CAROL, SET ANOTHER PLATE, PLEASE.

- WELL, LISTEN, ALL THE REGULAR STORES WAS CLOSED

AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO BAKE ANYTHING

SO HERE'S A LOTTERY TICKET AND A SLURPEE.

- OKAY EVERYONE! COME TO THE TABLE!

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S STRAP ON THE FEED BAG.

- YEAH! LET'S GET ALL THE TURKEY. YEAH!

- OKAY, EVERYONE TAKE YOUR ASSIGNED SEAT.

I HOPE YOU LIKE MY SPECIAL HOLIDAY PLACE CARDS.

I WROTE EACH NAME IN ICING ON A SUGARLESS COOKIE

CUT INTO A FUN HOLIDAY SHAPE!

LAVERNE, YOU SIT THERE.

- OOH!

BETTER NOT EAT MY COOKIE,

OR I WON'T KNOW WHERE I'M SITTING.

- CAN I PICK 'EM?

- I'M FAMISHED.

EVERY YEAR I HAVE THIS RITUAL.

I STARVE MYSELF FOR THREE DAYS UNTIL THANKSGIVING

THEN I STUFF MY GUT TILL I HAVE TO UNBUTTON MY PANTS

AND LAY THERE LIKE A BIG SWOLLEN LUMP.

- OOH, HE'S QUITE A CATCH.

[clinking] - ATTENTION, PLEASE.

EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME I ALWAYS SAY A FEW WORDS.

I'LL TRY NOT TO BORE YOU THIS YEAR.

- TOO LATE - [giggling]

- [imitates giggling]

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

I WANNA WISH US ALL A WARM AND WONDERFUL HOLIDAY.

- YEAH, NOT LIKE THAT THANKSGIVING TWO YEARS AGO,

THE ONE THAT... SOMEONE RUINED.

- UH, NO, NO, THIS IS THE TIME OF YEAR

WHEN FRIENDS AND FAMILY GET TOGETHER.

- YES, THAT WAS THE THANKSGIVIN' FROM HELL

RUINED BY A CERTAIN SOMEONE. - UH--UH, LADIES, LADIES,

COME ON. LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THAT THANKSGIVING.

- WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH TO TALK ABOUT

EXCEPT THAT IT WAS LAVERNE'S FAULT.

- WAS NOT! - IT WAS TOO!

- CAROL, LAVERNE, PLEASE! LET'S...

- SORRY, DOCTOR.

THE FIRE WAS YOUR FAULT.

- IT WAS NOT! - THERE WAS A FIRE?

- NO! NO, PATRICK. THERE WAS AN INCIDENT.

SOMEHOW THE OVEN CAUGHT ON FIRE AND THE TURKEY GOT BURNED AND...

WE ALL ENDED UP EATING AT DENNY'S.

YOU KNOW, WHEN THE MAYFLOWER LANDED...

- WHOA. WAIT A SECOND. WHAT HAPPENED?

- AH! NOBODY KNOWS.

- OH, I KNOW!

I REMEMBER THAT EVENING VERY CLEARLY.

BARBARA WAS WORKING,

DADDY AND LAVERNE WERE WATCHING THE PARADE

AND I WAS DOING ALL THE WORK MYSELF.

AS USUAL.

[vacuuming]

- CAROL, MORE POPCORN.

- ALREADY POPPING, DADDY.

- YEAH! BRING ME ANOTHER WHITE LIGHTNIN' ON THE ROCKS.

- COMING RIGHT UP.

SHAKEN OR STIRRED?

- JUST THROW SOME ICE CUBES IN A JELLY JAR

AND BRING A JUG ON IN HERE.

- [laughing]

[phone ringing]

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO.

OH, HELLO, BARRY.

TONIGHT? SORRY, I CAN'T.

WHAT? OKAY, THEN IT'S OVER.

GOOD-BYE.

- WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?

- BARRY HUDSON. - BARRY HUDSON?

THE BILLIONAIRE MOVIE STUDIO EXECUTIVE?

- YES. HE HAD HIS LEARJET AT THE PALM BEACH AIRPORT.

HE WANTED TO WHISK ME TO SAINT CROIX FOR THE WEEKEND.

I DUMPED HIM.

IT'S THE HOLIDAYS. MY FAMILY COMES FIRST.

- DID I EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE MY HERO?

- OH, LAVERNE...

[doorbell ringing]

DON'T BOTHER! I'LL GET IT.

NO, NO, NO.

- HI, WESTONS!

THIS IS MY HOLIDAY SQUEEZE, LORNA.

SHE'S A LAMBADA DANCER.

- IT'S NOT JUST A PASSING FAD.

LAMBADA WILL BE WITH US FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

- I GOT A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

- CHARLEY, LORNA. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

COME IN.

OUR HOME IS BRIGHTENED BY YOUR PRESENCE.

- HEY, WHEN'S DINNER? WE'RE STARVED.

- IT'S COMING RIGHT UP.

WE HAD A TEENSY PROBLEM WITH THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

- DON'T BOTHER. I'LL GET IT.

- I'D HELP YOU, BUT MY LEGS IS NUMB.

- OH, LAVERNE! [laughing]

[William Tell Overture playing]

[toaster oven dings]

- [Harry] CAROL, COME ON! WHERE'S THE POPCORN?

- [Laverne] CAROL, MORE MOONSHINE!

- COMING!

LAVERNE, I HATE TO ASK,

BUT WOULD YOU DO ME THE TEENSIEST FAVOR?

- NO.

- PLEASE, JUST TURN THE OVEN UP A SMIDGE

FROM 350 TO 375 DEGREES?

- NAG, NAG, NAG.

I KNEW YOU COULDN'T COOK A TURKEY BY YOURSELF.

- [laughing] OH, LAVERNE!

AND REMEMBER, JUST TURN THE OVEN UP A TINY BIT.

NEXT THING WE KNEW, THE KITCHEN WAS ON FIRE.

- [barking] - IF DREYFUSS HADN'T WARNED US,

THE WHOLE HOUSE WOULD'VE BURNED DOWN.

- [barking]

- SO THAT'S THE STORY.

LAVERNE ACCIDENTALLY TURNED THE OVEN UP TO 600 DEGREES.

- WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, DOCTOR,

YOUR DAUGHTER IS ONE STRAW SHORT OF A HAYSTACK.

- LADIES, PLEASE! IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO!

- OH, DADDY, THERE'S NO STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON THE TRUTH.

- OR ON BEIN' NUTS.

- LOOK, I'M SORRY I ASKED ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

LET'S EAT.

- OH, MY POOR EMACIATED DARLING.

I'LL GO GET THE TURKEY.

- YES! - HOLD ON, MISSY...

NOBODY'S EATIN' TILL I TELL YUNS

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THAT DAY.

NICK WAS PLAYIN' WINTER BALL FOR THE CARACAS CARDINALS

AND THE WESTONS WAS NICE ENOUGH

TO INVITE ME FOR THANKSGIVIN'.

- LAVERNE, DEAR, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

- NONSENSE. I AM YOUR HUMBLE EMPLOYEE

AND THE LEAST I CAN DO

IS MAKE SURE YOU'VE GOT PERFECT RECEPTION FOR THE PARADE.

THERE!

- HI, WESTONS!

THIS IS MY HOLIDAY SQUEEZE, LAYLANEE.

SHE'S A HOSTESS AT "THE BLUE TORCH" RESTAURANT.

- HI, HOW MANY ARE YOU? [giggles]

- I'VE GOT A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

- OH WELL, WELCOME, LAYLANEE, WELCOME.

PLEASE COME IN. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

SIT DOWN. WATCH THE PARADE. LAVERNE, YOU TOO.

- NO, THANKS, DOCTOR, I'D BETTER HELP CAROL IN THE KITCHEN,

THAT GIRL SEEMS A MIGHT FRAZZLED.

- [Carol crying] - DON'T WORRY, DARLIN'.

LAVERNE'S COMIN' TO SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

- LAVERNE, LAVERNE.

IF IT'S A BROKEN DISPOSAL, I CAN FIX IT.

- I WOULDN'T TRY THAT HANDYMAN STUFF.

YOU MIGHT GET HURT.

WE ALL MIGHT GET HURT.

ARE YOU OKAY?

- I'M FINE, LAVERNE. FINE.

OH, LAVERNE, MY DATE DUMPED ME.

- OH! YOU FRETTIN' OVER SOME FELLA.

- HE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

BARRY HUDSON, THE UNEMPLOYED MOVIE USHER.

- NOW, THERE'S PLENTY OTHER CARP IN THE CREEK.

- NOT LIKE BARRY.

- NO, NO, NO. YOU'RE EATIN' ALL THE PUMPKIN PIE

SO THERE'LL BE NONE LEFT FOR YOUR DADDY AND THE GUESTS!

- SCREW DADDY! SCREW THE GUESTS!

- CAROL!

I KNOW YOU'RE HURTIN'.

BUT AT THIS TIME OF YEAR

TRY TO THINK OF THOSE WORSE OFF THAN YOU.

THINK OF THE POOR INDIANS THAT WAS MISTREATED BY THE PILGRIMS!

- SCREW THE INDIANS! SCREW THE PILGRIMS!

- CAROL! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!

NOW I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING IN HERE IN THE KITCHEN.

- THIS IS MY KITCHEN!

I'LL DO THE TURKEY MYSELF!

- BUT YOU ARE IN NO SHAPE!

- I'LL BE FINE.

I MAY HAVE LOST THE MAN IN MY LIFE,

BUT NOT MY TOUCH FOR COOKING.

- THAT IS TOO MUCH BRANDY!

YOU'RE GONNA SCORCH THE TURKEY!

- OH, PLEASE, LAVERNE!

I THINK I KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE ABOUT COOKING THAN YOU DO.

- BUT CAROL, YOU ARE DISTRAUGHT. LET ME DO THE COOKIN'.

- LAVERNE, PLEASE! THIS ISN'T A PIG ON A SPIT!

IT REQUIRES DELICACY.

- YOU ARE LOSIN' CONTROL, GIRL. NOW PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS.

CAROL KEPT A-SPRITZIN' THE TURKEY.

THAT POOR BIRD TOOK ON MORE BRANDY THAN GRANT AT VICKSBURG.

IT'S NO WONDER IT CAUGHT A-FIRE.

- I REFUSE TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR THIS.

- WELL, YOU'RE AS GUILTY AS MRS. O'LEARY'S COW.

- I AM NOT! - ARE TOO!

- ENOUGH!

THIS IS THANKSGIVING, DAMN IT!

IT'S A TIME FOR LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING!

THIS ARGUMENT IS NOT GONNA CONTINUE.

- FINALLY, WE'RE GONNA EAT!

- NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT!

I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT REALLY HAPPENED THAT DAY.

WE WERE GONNA HAVE...

KIND OF A HOMEY, OLD-FASHIONED THANKSGIVING

- HI, HARRY!

THIS IS MY HOLIDAY SQUEEZE, ZANZIBAR.

- WELCOME, ZANZIBAR. WELCOME.

- ZANZIBAR'S A HOSTESS ON A TV GAME SHOW.

- WHAT A LOVELY HOME YOU HAVE.

AND HERE'S A HANDSOME CHAIR MADE OF STYLISH RATTAN

THAT WOULD COMPLEMENT ANY DECOR.

- I GOT A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

[banging] - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SEEMS WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM IN THE KITCHEN.

CHARLEY, WHY DON'T YOU AND ZANZIBAR

WATCH THE PARADE TOGETHER? - SURE!

- [sighing]

- HICK! - NUT BUCKET!

- CRACKER! - YANKEE!

- FINE. THINGS ARE GOING FINE.

- DADDY, TELL ATTILA, THE NURSE

TO GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.

- AND TELL THAT LAMEBRAIN DAUGHTER OF YOURN

SHE DON'T KNOW SPIT ABOUT COOKIN' UP A TURKEY.

- LAVERNE, THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN WHERE YOU GREW UP.

THE KITCHEN IS IN THE HOUSE!

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! NOW, NOW!

LADIES!

PLEASE! WE HAVE HUNGRY GUESTS. IF I HAVE TO...

I'LL COOK THAT TURKEY MYSELF.

- NEVER MIND THE THE TURKEY, DADDY.

WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS. - WHAT?

- LAVERNE JAMMED RHUBARB DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

IT'S ALL CLOGGED UP.

- IT WASN'T RHUBARB!

IT WAS THAT DAMN BOK CHOY O'YOURN.

- WE'LL NEVER GET A PLUMBER TO COME OUT ON THE HOLIDAYS.

- [laughing] WE DON'T NEED A PLUMBER.

CAROL, HAND ME A FLASHLIGHT AND AN ALLEN WRENCH, PLEASE.

LAVERNE, DOUBLE CHECK THE SWITCH IS IN THE OFF POSITION.

HERE WE GO! OKEY-DOKEY! LET'S SEE HERE.

I'LL JUST MAKE SURE THE RESET BUTTON IS ENGAGED.

NOW I'LL ROTATE THE ALLEN WRENCH CLOCKWISE

TO FREE UP THE WASTE AND CLEAR THE DRAIN.

DISPOSAL FIXED.

SWITCH ON.

[disposal running]

SWITCH OFF.

- DADDY, THAT WAS MASTERFUL!

- WITH HANDS LIKE THAT, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN A SURGEON.

- AS LONG AS I'M HERE, I MAY AS WELL

FIX THAT CLASP THAT SEEMS TO BE JAMMED HERE.

HERE YOU GO. [humming]

- WHY, THAT CLASP'S BEEN BROKEN FOR MONTHS!

NO ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO FIX IT!

- A CLASP IS JUST A CLASP,

BUT THERE IS ONE THING, LADIES, YOU CAN NEVER MEND...

THAT'S A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP.

- THE DOCTOR'S NOT ONLY HANDY.

HE'S WISE.

- THAT'S WHY WE CALL HIM "DADDY".

- TURN THAT OVEN ON! WE'VE GOT A TOM TURKEY TO TACKLE.

- COME ON, LAVERNE.

I'LL BASTE THE TURKEY, YOU SERVE THE STUFFING.

- ALL RIGHT, WE'LL DO IT TOGETHER.

WHERE I COME FROM, STUFFIN' IS CRUNCHY.

THIS AIN'T CRUNCHY!

- YOU CALLING MY STUFFING SOGGY?

- I'M CALLIN' IT SLOP! - [groaning]

- [barking] - NEXT THING WE KNEW,

THE KITCHEN WAS ON FIRE.

IF DREYFUSS HADN'T WARNED US,

THE WHOLE HOUSE WOULD'VE BURNED DOWN.

THEY GOT SO INVOLVED IN FIGHTING,

THEY FORGOT ABOUT THE TURKEY.

THAT'S THE STORY. CASE CLOSED.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED! - COMPLETELY WRONG!

- HARRY, HARRY, HARRY...

THEY SAY YOUR MIND'S THE SECOND THING TO GO

WHEN YOU GET OLDER. - [giggling]

- LET ME TELL YOU WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

- LOOK, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY TURKEY, YOU KNOW,

ANY KIND OF DEAD BIRD WOULD BE FINE, REALLY.

- I REMEMBER EXACTLY THE WAY IT WAS ON THAT FATEFUL TURKEY DAY.

UNTIL I SHOWED UP,

THE WESTON PARTY HAD ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF...

A WESTON PARTY.

HAVE NO FEAR! DIETZ IS HERE!

- HEY, EVERYONE! IT'S CHARLEY!

- OH, THAT FUNNY, WACKY NEIGHBOR! I JUST LOVE HIM!

- MY BUD! MY MAIN MAN! HEY!

- LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY HOLIDAY SQUEEZES,

THE TOPALDO TWINS, COREEN AND DOREEN!

COREEN WAS BORN AT 5:15. DOREEN WAS BORN AT 5:19.

NATURALLY, I'M ATTRACTED TO THE YOUNGER ONE.

I'VE GOT A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR.

- OH, CHARLEY, WE'RE DESPERATE FOR LAUGHS.

DO THAT SOUND THING YOU DO.

- WELL...OKAY.

[armpit sound]

- [squealing and laughing]

- OH, YEAH! HE'S INCREDIBLE! THE MAN!

THE MAN! THE MAN! THE MAN! IT'S BEAUTIFUL! YEAH!

- HEY, I'M SORRY I CAN'T STAY.

THERE'S A BASH AT KEY BISCAYNE

WHERE THEY DO WEIRD THINGS WITH CRANBERRY SAUCE

AND LEGAL SECRETARIES!

- EXCUSE US HERE. CHARLEY, COME HERE.

COME HERE, CHARLEY.

TAKE ME WITH YOU, I NEED A LITTLE ACTION.

- HARRY, YOU BELONG HERE, WITH YOUR FAMILY.

- WELL, SCREW MY FAMILY.

I MEAN LOOK AT THEM THERE.

COME ON! YOU GOT TWO BABES! YOU DON'T NEED 'EM BOTH.

- IF I FIND TRIPLETS, ONE OF THEM'S YOURS.

- REALLY? YOU'RE NOT JERKIN' ME AROUND?

- IT'S A PROMISE.

- HO HO, GO LOW, MY BRO! YEAH!

- AND THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS.

- WHAT ABOUT THE FIRE?

- THERE WAS A FIRE?

- CHARLEY, THAT'S INSANE!

LOOK, NOBODY'S GONNA FIND ANY ANSWERS HERE.

- I GUESS WE'LL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHO STARTED THE FIRE.

- EVERY YEAR AT THIS TIME, I MIGHT SAY A FEW WORDS.

THIS YEAR, I'LL TRY NOT TO BORE YOU.

- TOO LATE. - [laughing]

- YEAH...UH...ANYWAY...

THANKSGIVING IS A TIME FOR PEOPLE TO GET CLOSER.

- HEAR, HEAR! I AGREE WITH THAT.

CLOSENESS IS GOOD.

[suspense music playing]

- YEAH, I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW WHO DID IT.

LET'S SEE IF THAT TURKEY HAS COOLED OFF YET.

- YOU KNOW, I WASN'T THERE THAT THANKSGIVING.

BUT I SAW JFK THE MOVIE, AND...

I HAVE A THEORY. PERHAPS THERE WERE TWO TURKEYS.

- PERHAPS THERE ARE THREE.

- EVERYBODY GET IN THE CAR. WE'RE GOING TO DENNY'S.

- COOL!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

- TAKE A LOOK.

- IT NEVER FAILS.

SOMEONE ALWAYS OVEREATS AT THANKSGIVIN'.

- WELL, THE HOLIDAYS CAN BE TOUGH.

I'M SORRY I BLAMED YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

- OH, IT'S ANCIENT HISTORY. IT'S NOT WORTH FIGHTIN' OVER.

- I'M GLAD YOU CAME, LAVERNE.

- SO AM I. HERE, HON.

IT'S AN ANCIENT REMEDY FROM BACK HOME.

- THANK YOU, LAVERNE. THIS SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

HERE YOU GO, DREYF.

[lapping up water]

THERE WE GO.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0