Original subtitles

- [slurping bite]

[slurping bite]

- CHARLEY, DO YOU MIND?

- NO, GO RIGHT AHEAD.

- DADDY, CHARLEY, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

- YOU'RE RIGHT.

- DADDY, I'VE JUST COME FROM MY SUPPORT GROUP,

"ADULT CHILDREN OF PERFECTLY FINE PARENTS,"

AND THE MOST EXCITING THING--

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THERE'S A SUPPORT GROUP FOR PEOPLE

WHO HAD PERFECTLY FINE PARENTS?

- WELL, YES.

WE BEAR A TERRIBLE BURDEN.

IMAGINE BEING THIS SCREWED-UP

WITH NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME.

- SORRY I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, DEAR.

- THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DADDY.

IN FACT, IT WORKED OUT JUST FINE,

BECAUSE I GOT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS TONIGHT.

GERALDO RIVERA IS DOING A SERIES OF SHOWS IN MIAMI,

AND HE WANTS CERTAIN MEMBERS OF MY GROUP

TO BE ON HIS TALK SHOW, AND, DADDY, THAT'S NOT ALL.

DADDY...

YOU TOO HAVE A CHANCE TO APPEAR ON GERALDO.

- NOT ON YOUR LIFE.

- WHY WOULD GERALDO WANT HARRY ANYWAY?

I MEAN, HE'S NOT A NEO-NAZI WIFE-SWAPPING CROSS-DRESSER.

- NO. THAT WOULD BE MR. HETZEL ACROSS THE STREET.

- NOT ALL GERALDO'S SHOWS ARE LIKE THAT.

JUST DURING SWEEPS WEEK.

OUR SHOW WILL BE ABOUT ADULT CHILDREN

WHO LIVE WITH THEIR LOVERS UNDER THEIR PARENTS' ROOF.

- YOU WANT ME TO ADMIT THAT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?

- DADDY, THINK OF IT AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.

MAYBE OUR EXPERIENCES COULD HELP OTHERS

IN THE SAME SITUATION. - NO, NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW THE WAY THOSE SHOWS WORK.

THEY'LL TELL YOU ANYTHING TO GET YOU ON,

THEN THEY GO FOR THE JUGULAR.

PROBABLY DIG UP THOSE OLD PICTURES OF ME

IN A HULA SKIRT, KISSING A PIG A THE KAPPA KAPPA LUAU.

- I DISCUSSED IT WITH MY THERAPIST,

AND SANDY AND I FEEL

THAT IT MIGHT BE VERY HELPFUL FOR US

TO AIR OUR FATHER-DAUGHTER CONFLICTS

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

- WHAT FATHER-DAUGHTER CONFLICTS?

- WELL, FOR INSTANCE,

THE FACT THAT YOU WON'T APPEAR WITH ME ON GERALDO.

- SHE'S GOT YOU THERE, HARRY.

- PLEASE, DADDY, PLEASE.

- OH, COME ON, HONEY. LOOK, I DON'T KNOW...

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, AT THIS POINT, ANYWAY, ALL WE CAN DO

IS PUT OUR NAMES IN THE HAT.

WE MIGHT NOT EVEN GET PICKED TO DO THE SHOW.

- OKAY, YOU CAN PUT OUR NAMES IN THAT HAT

ALONG WITH ALL THE KOOKS.

BUT I CAN BACK OUT OF THIS.

- YES! THANK YOU, DADDY!

- I'M NOT GONNA GET INVOLVED IN SOME...

HYPED UP TABLOID SMEAR JOB.

- DADDY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GERALDO.

THE DASHING YOUNG MAVERICK JOURNALIST

WHO BRAVELY EXPOSED THE HORRENDOUS CONDITIONS

OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST MENTAL INSTITUTION.

- SO HE'S THE ONE WHO SET YOU FREE.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- GOOD MORNING, LAVERNE.

WHAT'S SO INTERESTING?

- GERALDO.

SEEIN' AS HOW YOU'RE GONNA BE ON HIS SHOW,

I THOUGHT I SHOULD FAMILIARIZE MYSELF WITH HIS BOOK

IN ORDER TO MAKE SHARPER WISECRACKS.

- WHO SAID I'M GONNA BE ON HIS SHOW?

- OOH, D'YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THE TIME

HE'S IN THE BATHTUB WITH SIX NAKED WOMEN?

- I NEVER--HE DID THAT?

- SURE PUTS YOUR HULA SKIRT STORY TO SHAME.

- WELL, LAVERNE, YOU CAN PUT AWAY YOUR BOOK

AND GET BACK TO WORK

BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA BE ON GERALDO.

THEY'RE SENDING OVER A SHOW COORDINATOR TO INTERVIEW US,

BUT THEY'RE NOT GONNA PICK US.

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LOONEY ENOUGH.

- UH-HUH.

SO WHAT YOU GON' WEAR ON THE SHOW?

- LAVERNE, EVEN IF THEY DID PICK US,

I NEVER AGREED TO DO IT FOR SURE.

- I'D GO WITH SOMETHIN' BLUE. IT BRINGS OUT YOUR EYES.

- OH, LAVERNE, PLEASE.

- DOCTOR WESTON, DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE?

- SURE. HI, MRS. LARSON.

HI, LARRY. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, DOCTOR.

MAN TO MAN.

- WELL--WELL, PLEASE. COME IN.

SO, HOW'S SCHOOL?

- A LIVING HELL.

DOCTOR, DO YOU KNOW HOW AWFUL IT IS

TO BE THE SHORTEST KID IN THE SECOND GRADE?

- BUT YOU'RE A FIFTH-GRADER.

- MY POINT EXACTLY.

- WELL, HOW CAN I HELP?

- I'M GOING TO THIS PARTY

AT THIS AMUSEMENT PARK ON SATURDAY,

AND IF I WANT TO RIDE

THE ROLLERCOASTER WITH MY FRIENDS,

I GOTTA BE ABOUT THIS TALL BY THEN.

MAYBE YOU HAVE SOME KIND

OF STRETCHING MACHINE IN THE BACK?

- NO, I'M SORRY. - GREAT.

WHILE THE REST OF THE KIDS ARE HURLING THEIR GUTS OUT

ON THE THUNDERING CYCLONE,

I'LL BE TOOTING AROUND IN THE BUNNYLAND CHOO-CHOO.

- OH. LARRY, LARRY, LARRY. LISTEN.

THERE'S NO GUARANTEE.

BUT THERE'S ONE THING YOU CAN DO.

THINK TALL. YOU WALK TALL. ACT TALL.

AND ONE DAY, YOU JUST MAY BE TALL.

- REALLY?

- WORKS FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.

- KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR?

- WELL, THERE ARE SOME GENETIC COMPONENTS TO THIS.

- THANKS, DOCTOR WESTON. - SURE.

- BYE-BYE.

NICE SPEECH THERE, DOCTOR.

YOU KNOW THAT GERALDO WAS A LITTLE RUNT AT THAT AGE, TOO.

- WOULD YOU GET OFF THIS GERALDO KICK, PLEASE?

- I JUST THINK YOU OUGHTA KNOW WHAT KIND OF MAN IT IS

WHAT'S GONNA WHOOP YOUR BUTT ON NATIONWIDE TELEVISION.

- FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT GONNA BE ON HIS SHOW.

SECOND OF ALL, WHY WOULD GERALDO WHOOP ANYTHING OF MINE?

- APPARENTLY, HE'S GOT TOO MUCH TESTOSTERONE.

HE WHOOPS EVERYBODY. READ HIS BOOK.

PAGE 15, A TEENAGE GERALDO WHOOPS HIS BROTHER WILLY.

REASON? UNKNOWN.

PAGE 59, HE WHOOPS UP ON THREE YOUNG THUGS.

HE SAYS THEY WAS TRYIN' TO ROB HIS APARTMENT.

- GOOD-BYE, LAVERNE.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH YOUR READING,

MAYBE YOU'LL GET AROUND DOING A LITTLE NURSING.

- YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME NURSIN'

WHEN GERALDO GETS DONE A-WHOOPIN' YOU.

- NOW, PATRICK, WHEN MR. MAXWELL GETS HERE...

- WHO'S MISTER MAXWELL? - THE MAN FROM GERALDO.

I'LL STEER THE CONVERSATION TOWARDS THE ASPECTS

OF OUR LIFE TOGETHER THAT WE WANNA HIGHLIGHT.

- I THOUGHT I'D HIGHLIGHT

THE TIME THAT WE RAN INTO MY EX-GIRLFRIEND

AND YOU THREW UP ON HER SHOES.

- WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'LL TELL THEM ABOUT THE TIME

YOU WERE SLEEPWALKING AND PEED IN DADDY'S CLOSET.

- I'M ONLY DOING THIS 'CAUSE YOU ASKED ME TO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO EMBARRASS ME.

IT'S EMBARRASSING ENOUGH TO BE ON ONE OF THESE SHOWS.

IN FACT, I'M EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT

I EVEN WATCH THESE SHOWS.

I MEAN, I WOULD BE EMBARRASSED.

IF I DID WATCH THEM,

WHICH I WOULD NEVER DO, OF COURSE.

- I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYBODY WOULD VOLUNTEER

TO MAKE A FOOL OF THEMSELVES IN A TV TALK SHOW.

- BECAUSE THEY'RE SUCH A SWEET, DARLING, DEVOTED DADDY.

- ARGH!

- WELL, I'M GETTING A LITTLE SICK AND TIRED

OF EVERYBODY'S GRUMBLING.

THIS IS A CHANCE TO APPEAR

WITH GERALDO RIVERA, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

- WHOOP-DEE-DO.

- WE'RE NOT TALKING CHUCK WOOLERY HERE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT GERALDO HAS MARCHED WITH CESAR CHAVEZ,

EXPOSED CORRUPTION,

PROVIDED FREE LEGAL COUNSEL TO THE POOR?

AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO APPRECIATES HIM?

- HI, NEIGHBORS.

I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, SO I THOUGHT I'D STOP BY.

- CHARLEY, YOU CANNOT BE ON THE SHOW WITH US.

- BUT I HEART GERALDO.

HE'S MY IDOL.

- SEE? EVEN THE MORON'S IMPRESSED

WITH GERALDO'S CRUSADES

TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.

- NO, I'M JUST IMPRESSED WITH HIS CRUSADES

TO MAKE IT WITH THE WORLD.

HE'S DONE IT WITH EVERYBODY. - GO.

- COME ON, CHARLEY, I JUST RESTOCKED MY FRIDGE.

LET'S GO GET A BEER, HUH? - [bell ringing]

- THAT'S HIM. ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, ACT NATURAL.

- ANYBODY EVER TELL Y'ALL YOU LOOK LIKE

THAT PAINTING OF WASHINGTON CROSSIN' THE DELAWARE?

- LAVERNE, I'M AFRAID YOU'VE CAUGHT US AT A RATHER BAD TIME.

- WHY? DID I MISS IT THAT GUY FROM GERALDO?

- WE'RE EXPECTING HIM ANY MINUTE.

- OH GOOD, 'CAUSE I HAVE AN IDEA

I WAN' RUN PAST HIM ON A SHOW ABOUT SOUTHERN NURSES

WHO'S MARRIED TO MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PLAYERS

WHO LEFT THEM FOR JAPANESE HUSSIES.

[bell ringing] - [gasps] THERE HE IS.

- HI, ARE YOU THE PINHEADS?

LISTEN, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT PINHEAD THING.

WRONG SHOW. I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FOR THE WESTON FAMILY.

- OH, MISTER RIVERA. COME IN. COME IN.

- PLEASE CALL ME "HERALDO".

all: "HERALDO."

- UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO MR. MAXWELL?

- YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY THING.

WE WERE FOOLING AROUND IN THE GYM THIS AFTERNOON,

AND...I BROKE HIS NOSE.

ACCIDENTALLY, OF COURSE.

- OH, OF COURSE. [chuckles]

- WELL, BIENVENIDO, GERALDO.

ME LLAMO CAROL WESTON.

Y ESTO ES MI PAPA.

- HI. HI, I'M HARRY WESTON. IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

[high-pitched] I CAN'T BELIEVE!...

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY YOU!

I MEAN, IT'S RIGHT HERE IN MY HOUSE.

IN PERSON.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

- Y ESTO ES MI VATO.

PATRICK ARCOLA.

- I NEVER MISS YOUR SHOW, MAN!

THAT MANSON FAMILY REUNION WAS WILD.

I LOVED IT WHEN YOU WENT,

"YOU'RE A DOG, CHARLIE MANSON. YOU'RE A MURDERING DOG."

IT WAS GREAT.

- OH, THAT WAS GOOD.

BUT MY FAVORITE WAS--WAS STRIPPERS ON STEROIDS.

- WELL, LISTEN, YOUR SHOWS, THEY'RE GREAT.

- THANKS. YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE THINK I ONLY DO SLEAZE.

all: NO! GET OUT!

- NEVER HEARD SUCH A THING!

- OKAY. IF YOU ONLY DID SLEAZE, WOULD I WATCH?

- AND THIS IS OUR NEIGHBOR, CHARLEY, WHO WAS JUST LEAVING.

MY FATHER'S NURSE, LAVERNE. - [chuckles]

KNOCK, KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE?

- NOBODY. I'M AL CAPONE'S VAULT.

- LAVERNE WAS JUST LEAVING, TOO.

- I LOVE YOUR BOOK. ESPECIALLY PAGE 332.

WHICH IS IN MY PANTS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

- YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I EVER WROTE THAT DAMN BOOK.

- BYE-BYE. HEY, DOCTOR, DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU.

- MR. RIVERA.

PLEASE, COME, SIT. I APOLOGIZE FOR OUR FRIENDS.

SOME PEOPLE SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS

AROUND THE CELEBRITY OF YOUR INCREDIBLE MUSTACHE.

MAGNIFICENCE.

- YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON

BY THE FRIENDS THEY MAKE. - [laughing]

NOTHING LIKE THAT, I ASSURE YOU.

- IT'S TOO BAD, WE LIKE QUIRKY TYPES.

- QUIRKY, WE'RE QUIRKY, THAT'S US.

AREN'T WE QUIRKY, PATRICK?

- OH, YEAH. OH, EXTREMELY QUIRKY.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HARRY? - OH, SURE.

WHEN PEOPLE SEE US, THEY GO,

"WHOO-HOO, HERE COME THOSE QUIRKY WESTONS."

- PATRICK, TELL GERALDO ABOUT THOSE QUIRKY THINGS YOU DO.

- I PEED IN HARRY'S CLOSET.

- YOU PEED IN MY CLOSET?

OH, YOU QUIRKY KID, YOU!

- AND WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT ME?

I'M SO JEALOUS AND INSECURE,

I ACTUALLY VOMITED ON YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND'S SHOES.

- OH, AND WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME YOU FLIPPED OUT AT THE LIBRARY

AND WOULDN'T COME DOWN OFF THE TOP SHELF.

- OH, YES. VERY QUIRKY STUFF.

OF COURSE, THAT WAS BEFORE I MET MY ARTIST.

YOU SEE, I WAS ONCE IN LOVE WITH A CHEESE HOST.

ISN'T THAT THE ONE THAT YOUR SISTER SHOT?

- NO. THAT WAS THE UNEMPLOYED CLOWN.

- WOUNDED CLOWN.

- IN ALL FAIRNESS, HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SNEAKING

IN CAROL'S BEDROOM WINDOW IF...HEH HEH...

I WEREN'T SO WORRIED ABOUT THEIR SEX LIFE.

- WORRIED? HE'S OBSESSED.

- HE MAKES US HAVE SEX IN THE GARAGE.

- [high pitched rambling]

WELL, THAT MAY SOUND A LITTLE TOO QUIRKY--

- TERRIFIC. TERRIFIC.

WE TAPE TUESDAY AT 4:00, BUT TRY TO BE THERE BY 2:30.

- ARE YOU PICKING US FOR YOUR SHOW?

- ABSOLUTELY. BY THE WAY, IS THE DOG QUIRKY?

- IS DREYFUSS QUIRKY?

JUST LOOK AT HIM.

- OH, WHAT THE HELL, BRING THE DOG ALONG, TOO.

- GREAT. BYE-BYE. - BYE.

[screaming with joy]

PATRICK. I'VE BEEN PREPARING

MY OPENING REMARKS FOR GERALDO.

AND I WANTED TO ASK YOUR OPINION ON SOMETHING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY WEIRD

THAT YOU'RE SO CALM ABOUT THIS WHOLE GERALDO THING.

USUALLY, YOU GET SO UPTIGHT ABOUT STUFF.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, HONEY.

- WELL, WHAT'S TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT?

- NOTHING, BUT I KNOW HOW YOUR MIND WORKS.

YOU START WORRYING ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS

OF BARING YOUR SOUL IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF PEOPLE...

- POO.

- OBSESSING THAT YOU'LL SAY SOMETHING STUPID

THAT'LL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

- I PLAN TO SAY ONLY BRILLIANT THINGS.

- PLUS, YOU KNOW, THEY SAY THE CAMERA ADDS TEN POUNDS.

- TEN POUNDS? OH, MY GOD.

OH, NO. OH, NO.

- WHAT IS IT?

- IT'S A FEVER BLISTER.

ALL OF A SUDDEN I COULD JUST FEEL IT.

OH, LOOK AT IT. IT'S GROWING RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES.

IT'S HUGE!

- CAROL, I HAVE TO GO, DEAR. GOOD-BYE.

- HOW'S CAROL'S FEVER BLISTER?

- YOU HARDLY NOTICE IT.

THE--THE STY SHE'S DEVELOPED IS SO MUCH BIGGER AND REDDER.

- SHE'S LUCKY.

A STY AND A FEVER BLISTER AIN'T NOTHIN'

COMPARED TO THE SHAPE YOU'LL BE IN TOMORROW

AFTER GERALDO SETTLES YOUR HASH.

- LAVERNE, I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

- OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL BE TELLIN' GERALDO

WHEN HE GETS YOU WITH AN UPPERCUT,

THEN A RIGHT, THEN A LEFT, THEN A RIGHT.

- THIS IS SO RIDICULOUS.

WOOF. MARGARET TRUDEAU?

[knock on door]

- SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR...READING.

LITTLE LARRY LARSON IS HERE, AND, BOY, IS HE EXCITED.

HE'S DONE A-RID THE THUNDERIN' CYCLONE THREE TIME.

- THEY LET HIM ON A THUNDERING CYCLONE?

HOW DID HE GET TALL ENOUGH?

- WELL, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO ASK HIM.

- OH, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

- I HAD TO MAKE A LAST MINUTE WARDROBE SUBSTITUTION.

- GOOD. I WAS AFRAID YOU WERE GONNA WEAR

THAT DRESS I SAID WAS TOO LOW-CUT.

- I HAVE HIVES.

- IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS WEARING A RED BROCADE DICKEY.

- DADDY, PATRICK, WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY

IF I DIDN'T GO ON THE SHOW WITH YOU?

both: WHAT?

- I DISCUSSED IT WITH MY THERAPIST,

AND SANDY AND I NOW FEEL

THAT WHILE MY PSYCHE MIGHT BE READY

TO AIR OUR CONFLICTS, MY BODY OBVIOUSLY IS NOT.

- WHAT? - OH, CAROL, COME ON.

YOU CAN DO IT, CAROL.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL. LOOK, WE GO OUT THERE,

WE SIT ON THAT STAGE...

THAT GREAT BIG STAGE.

WITH MILLIONS OF PEOPLE STARING AT US.

HARRY, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS EITHER.

- WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALK--

- WESTONS, I'M GLAD TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

I'M ROGER MAXWELL.

YOU'RE GONNA BE ON IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

SO LET'S GO OVER YOUR STUFF ONE MORE TIME, OKAY?

WE HAVE A NEUROTIC, IMMATURE DAUGHTER. OKAY.

BRINGS HOME YET ANOTHER LOSER BOYFRIEND.

AH. OKAY.

- HE'S NOT A LOSER. HE'S AN ARTIST.

- WELL, SEMANTICS.

- AND WHO SAYS ALL MY OTHER BOYFRIENDS ARE LOSERS?

- OTHER BOYFRIENDS. THAT WOULD BE THE CHEESE HOST?

- ALL RIGHT. HE WAS A LOSER.

- WHAT ABOUT THE ONE YOUR SISTER SHOT?

- OH. THAT WAS THE UNEMPLOYED CLOWN.

I'M FEELING NAUSEOUS.

- YEAH. IT SAYS HERE YOU'RE A PUKER.

- HMM. DOES THAT PAPER SAY ANYTHING

ABOUT ME PEEING IN HER FATHER'S CLOSET?

- OH. IT DOES NOW. - I WAS SLEEPWALKING.

- OKAY. NOW, DAD,

YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S SEX LIFE.

- NO, NO, I'M NOT OBSESSED.

JUST DEEPLY INVOLVED. UM...

NO, NO, JUST KIND OF INTERESTED.

- FINE. SCOTT.

THIS IS SCOTT, EVERYONE. YOU FOLLOW HIM TO THE STAGE.

- OH, YEAH. all: EXCUSE ME.

- SCOTT. - NO, EXCUSE ME.

- JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE. JUST A MOMENT.

JUST A MINUTE, SCOTT.

- SCOTT, DO YOU HAVE ANY CALAMINE LOTION?

- I'M TELLING YOU, I WAS SLEEPWALKING.

HAVEN'T YOU--

- LISTEN, THE STUFF WE TOLD GERALDO,

I THINK IN OUR EAGERNESS TO GET ON THE SHOW,

MAYBE WE, YOU KNOW, MISLED HIM A LITTLE.

- I'M SORRY, DOCTOR WESTON,

BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.

I'M JUST A PAGE.

I CAN GET YOU COFFEE. - GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

- OH, GOD. OH, GOD. MY THROAT'S CLOSING UP.

I CAN'T TALK.

- WELL, THEN SHUT UP, 'CAUSE YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

- COFFEE AND A TELEGRAM FOR YOU.

- TELEGRAM? [Carol wheezes]

"BREAK A LEG BEFORE GERALDO BREAKS YOURS. LAVERNE."

- IN TEN, NINE, EIGHT... Carol: I CAN'T DO THIS.

- SEVEN, SIX, FIVE... [retreating footsteps]

Patrick: WELL, I'M NOT IF YOU'RE NOT.

- FOUR, THREE... - PATRICK, CAROL, GET BACK HERE!

DREYFUSS!

[theme music]

- WELCOME, EVERYBODY. TODAY, WE ARE LIVE FROM MIAMI.

- [applause]

- CHARLEY. HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

- WELL, BE SURE TO WAVE SCOTT BON VOYAGE

BEFORE HE LEAVES ON HIS FREE CRUISE.

- THE FOCUS OF THIS EDITION OF GERALDO,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CONCERNS A GROWING TREND IN OUR SOCIETY,

ADULT CHILDREN WHO CAN'T EVEN SUPPORT THEMSELVES,

YET BRING A LOVER HOME TO LIVE UNDER THEIR PARENTS' ROOF.

OUR GUESTS TODAY INCLUDE-- WAIT A MINUTE.

I BELIEVE I SEE A REAL LIFE FAMILY PSYCHODRAMA

GOING ON RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.

HARRY WESTON.

- HUH?

- MEET HARRY WESTON, PEDIATRICIAN.

A MAN WHOSE ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL LIFE

HAS BEEN SPENT IN THE SERVICE OF CHILDREN.

YET WHERE IS YOUR OWN DAUGHTER, DOCTOR WESTON?

- MY DAUGHTER--PFFT.

- AH, GERALDO. REMEMBER ME?

I'M HARRY'S NEIGHBOR, CHARLES DIETZ.

I WITNESSED THE WHOLE THING.

SHE RAN OUT OF HERE LIKE HER BUTT WAS ON FIRE.

- SHE RAN OUT OF HERE LIKE HER BUTT WAS ON FIRE.

A GROWN, ADMITTEDLY IMMATURE WOMAN

FLED FROM HER OWN FATHER

LIKE HER BUTT WAS ON FIRE.

AND THIS, DESPITE A FIRM COMMITMENT

TO APPEAR ON THIS LIVE BROADCAST.

WHY, HARRY? WHY?

- DON'T KNOW.

- WHAT DROVE HER AWAY?

WAS IT YOU, YOUR REFUSAL TO ALLOW HER TO GROW UP?

- NO, NO, I WISH SHE'D GROW UP.

- IS THAT WHY YOU FORCE HER AND HER BOYFRIEND

TO HAVE SEX IN THE GARAGE? [audience gasps]

- I-I-I--

- OR IS IT SIMPLY, SIR, THAT YOU ARE PREOCCUPIED?

PREOCCUPIED, PERHAPS, TO THE POINT OF OBSESSION

WITH YOUR OWN DAUGHTER'S SEX LIFE?

- I...

I CAN--I CAN--I CAN-- I CAN EXPLAIN.

- COME TO GRIPS WITH IT, HARRY.

COME TO GRIPS WITH IT, MAN, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW,

COME TO GRIPS WITH IT, HARRY. - WOULD YOU GET THAT MIC--

- OH!

MY NOSE! HE BROKE MY NOSE!

- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. STAND BACK, PLEASE. I'M A DOCTOR.

- DON'T YOU THINK YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH?

- YOU'RE A DOG, HARRY WESTON! YOU'RE A MURDERING DOG!

- AGH.

- WHOA! COME ON, PUT 'EM UP, PUT 'EM UP!

- COME ON, LAVERNE. - COME ON!

PUT UP YOUR DUKES! PUT UP YOUR DUKES!

WHOA, SHE FLOATS LIKE A BUTTERFLY,

BUT SHE STINGS LIKE A BEE!

- LAVERNE! - [indistinct]

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0