Original subtitles

- OKAY, BRITNEY, THAT KNEE LOOKS A WHOLE LOT BETTER,

BUT NEXT TIME YOU RIDE YOUR BIKE,

WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

COME ON.

AH DA DA DA...

LAVERNE!

DO WE REALLY NEED ALL THIS?

- WELL, I'M ENJOYIN' IT.

SO, DARLING, WHAT YOU GONNA BE ON HALLOWEEN?

- A MONSTER! RAWRRR!

- OH, A GIRL MONSTER. I LIKE IT.

THEY'S NOT ENOUGH GIRL MONSTERS AROUND.

- THEY'VE ALL TAKEN UP NURSING.

- HERE YOU GO!

YOUR OFFICIAL DOCTOR HARRY HALLOWEEN TREAT.

- SUGAR-FREE AND SALT-FREE.

- NOT TO MENTION TASTE-FREE.

IF YOU WANT THE REAL GOOD STUFF,

YOU COME TRICK-OR-TREAT AT MY HOUSE,

AND HERE'S THE ADDRESS.

- THANKS. RAWRRR!

- BACK AT YA!

- WOW, LAVERNE, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

A BIG CROWD. - WELL, I ALWAYS DO.

SINCE NICK AND I NEVER HAD YOUNG'UNS OF OUR OWN,

WE ALWAYS WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD ON HALLOWEEN.

- WELL, THAT'S NICE.

- I INTEND TO KEEP UP THE TRADITION.

OF COURSE, IT'LL BE AN INCREDIBLE BURDEN

NOT HAVIN' SOMEONE TO HELP AND ALL.

JUST ME, MYSELF, AND I.

ALL BY MY LONESOME.

SOLO.

- WELL...THAT'S NICE.

- YOU DON'T TAKE HINTS VERY WELL, DO YOU, DOCTOR?

- WELL, LAVERNE, IT'S JUST THAT I'M NOT MUCH

OF A HALLOWEEN PERSON.

- I SEE.

SO THAT PROMISE YOU MADE

ABOUT ALWAYS BEIN' THERE FOR ME

WHEN NICK LEFT. WHAT WAS THAT?

JUST ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR CRUEL JOKES?

- ALL RIGHT.

WHAT TIME DO YOU WANT ME THERE?

- YOU BETTER COME AROUND BY 6:00.

NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT KIND OF COSTUME

YOU'RE GONNA WEAR. - LAVERNE, I HATE COSTUMES.

I'M NOT GONNA WEAR ANYTHING.

- WE'RE TRYIN' TO SCARE 'EM, DOCTOR,

NOT KILL 'EM. - OKAY.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE, WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE, I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

[knocking at the door]

- SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, DR. WESTON.

- NO PROBLEM, VIRGIL.

- YOU KNOW THAT IRONWOOD TREE

WE'VE BEEN HAVING PROBLEMS WITH?

I FOUND OUT THE REASON.

- I KNOW, I KNOW. TOO MUCH LOAM IN THE SOIL.

- NO.

IRONWOODS DON'T GROW IN FLORIDA.

- OH. SO, WHAT'S THE SOLUTION?

- WELL, I PLANTED A MULBERRY TREE INSTEAD.

- OKAY...AND YOU THINK IT'S GONNA DO OKAY?

- NO, TOO MUCH LOAM IN THE SOIL.

- WELL, THANKS...THANKS, VIRGIL.

ANYWAY, THIS IS THE STUFF YOU WANTED FOR YOUR COSTUME?

- OH, I APPRECIATE IT.

- YEAH, JUST A LITTLE MEDICAL BAG, A STETHOSCOPE,

A HEAD MIRROR, AND THE NUMBER OF A GOOD MALPRACTICE ATTORNEY.

- THANKS. YOU OWE ME $85.

- HA HA! VERY GOOD!

YOU'RE GETTING INTO THE ROLE.

- NO, THAT'S THE BILL FOR THE EXTRA LOAM.

- OH.

[mumbling]

- I'LL WEAR LEATHER BOOTS, A BLACK MASK AND CARRY A WHIP,

AND YOU BE SOME KIND OF ANIMAL.

- YOU BETTER BE TALKING ABOUT HALLOWEEN.

- YES! - NO!

I THOUGHT WE DECIDED NOT TO GO TO THAT PARTY.

- NO! YOU DECIDED NOT TO GO.

- RIGHT, BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND HALLOWEEN.

- YOU SOUND JUST LIKE DADDY!

HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE HALLOWEEN?

- 'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS BEEN JINXED ON HALLOWEEN.

- OH, PATRICK, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE THAT SUPERSTITIOUS.

- NO! IT'S TRUE!

WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD, MY MOTHER DRESSED ME UP

IN MY SISTER'S LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE COSTUME.

AND I GOT BEAT UP.

TWO YEARS LATER, I WAS DRESSED AS SUPERMAN,

AND LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE BEAT ME UP.

- POOR BABY!

- THE WORST WAS WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD,

AND MY BROTHER DRESSED ME AS BARRY GOLDWATER

AND TOSSED ME OUT OF THE CAR IN A LIBERAL NEIGHBORHOOD.

- PATRICK, IT'S NOT JUST A PARTY!

IT'S THE PARTY!

THE HOTTEST, MOST EXCLUSIVE AFFAIR

OF THE HALLOWEEN SEASON.

- OH, OKAY.

I GOT A GREAT IDEA FOR A COSTUME.

YOU GET DRESSED UP, YOU PUT YOUR ARM OUT LIKE THIS...

AND YOU ATTACH A MAN'S GLOVE TO IT.

- WHAT WILL YOU BE?

- THE GUY IN THE GLOVE. THE INVISIBLE MAN.

THAT MEANS I WON'T BE THERE.

- WOULD YOU THINK OF ALL THE CONTACTS WE CAN MAKE?

BESIDES, BEST COSTUME WINS A FREE VACATION TO CURACAO.

OH, PLEASE GO!

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

- ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

I'LL GO. - OH! THANK YOU!

OH!

BUT DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO DO THIS JUST FOR ME.

[guitar playing]

- [with Mexican accent] TRICK OR TREAT?

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

- SPANISH FLY!

[plays guitar]

- CHARLEY, I'M SORRY YOUR DATE STOOD YOU UP,

BUT YOU CAN'T BLAME THE WOMAN FOR GOING ON HER HONEYMOON.

- WELL, IF I'D KNOWN SHE WAS GONNA BREAK THE DATE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THEIR BEST MAN.

- COME ON, CHARLEY!

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FOR THE KIDS!

- HARRY, RELAX.

THE KIDS WILL GET THEIR TREATS,

AND YOUR HOUSE WON'T GET EGGED.

- THANKS FOR HELPING ME OUT,

AND I'LL BE AT LAVERNE'S IF YOU NEED ME.

IF YOU RUN OUT OF CANDY,

THERE'S AN EXTRA BAG IN THE PANTRY.

- ACTUALLY... THAT WAS THE EXTRA BAG.

- DADDY! DADDY!

COME ON, PATRICK! IT'S SHOWTIME!

VOILA!

- YOU OWE ME BIG TIME FOR THIS, CAROL.

I FEEL LIKE A JERK.

- OH, DADDY, TELL PATRICK HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A JERK.

- PATRICK...

SO WHAT TIME DOES THE PARTY START?

- AREN'T YOU GOING TO GUESS WHO WE ARE?

- NO.

- I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

[with French accent] I WON THE NOBEL PRIZE

FOR THIS...

MY ELEMENTAL DISCOVERY.

- CONGRATULATIONS, DEAR.

COME ON. LAVERNE'S WAITING FOR ME.

- OKAY. I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE HINT.

I'M MADAME CURIE, AND PATRICK'S RADIUM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DADDY?

- SO WHAT TIME'S THE PARTY START?

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I'M STARTING TO ITCH.

- BYE, DADDY. OH, AND, DADDY...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE A LIGHT ON FOR US.

[telephone ringing] - COME ON.

HELLO. AH, BARBARA!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, SWEETIE!

HOW'S THE UNDERCOVER GOING?

GREAT. YOU--YOU BE CAREFUL.

MADAME CURIE AND RADIUM!

YEAH, I AGREE.

SHE SHOULD GO BACK TO FIVE SESSIONS A WEEK.

BUT... [giggles]

I LOVE YOU, BABY. BYE, BYE, BYE, BYE. OKAY.

- HARRY,

WHY IS THE TOILET SEAT GLOWING?

- DON'T ASK.

- IT'S JUST WEIRD, THAT'S ALL.

- NO, NO, NO, MY LITTLE PRODUCT

OF THE DECAYING AMERICAN PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.

I'M MADAME CURIE, AND HE'S MY ELEMENTAL DISCOVERY.

GET IT?

- WHO CARES?

- HE'S RADIUM, YOU MORON! I WON THE NOBEL PRIZE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T KNOW ME.

- LOOK, CAROL. NO ONE GETS IT.

NO ONE'S EVER GOING TO GET IT.

FOR ONCE CAN WE DO WHAT I WANNA DO?

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M THE HALF LIFE OF THE PARTY.

- PATRICK, THIS IS FOR YOUR BENEFIT, TOO.

THERE ARE IMPORTANT PEOPLE HERE.

WE'RE NOT JUST ATTENDING A PARTY; WE'RE NETWORKING.

OH, LOOK, HONEY, IT'S MARK TWAIN,

WHO GAVE US SUCH CLASSICS AS HUCKLEBERRY FINN.

- NO, IT'S COLONEL SANDERS,

WHO GAVE US SUCH CLASSICS AS FINGER-LICKING GOOD.

I SHOULD'VE STUCK WITH WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

COME AS THE INVISIBLE MAN SO I COULD STAY HOME.

- OH, POOH! WE ARE NOT LEAVING.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO GO THROUGH TO GET THESE TICKETS?

- HELLO, MISS WESTON. - VIRGIL?

- DR. VIRGIL TO YOU.

HELL OF A BASH AIN'T IT? ALL THE BIG SHOTS ARE HERE.

THE MAYOR'S POOL MAN, DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S NANNY,

AND JACKIE GLEASON'S EX CABANA BOY.

HEY, REEFIE! - I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE BUY THESE TICKETS.

- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT THEY THINK THIS IS STUPID,

SO THEY GIVE THE TICKETS TO THEIR HELP.

- WELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING,

HOW DID YOU GET YOURS?

- FROM YOUR FATHER. REEFIE!

AWAY WE GO!

- OH, PATRICK.

I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL.

- GOOD, LET'S GO.

- NO, WE'RE GONNA GET SOMETHING OUT OF THIS PARTY.

THIS COSTUME IS GONNA WIN US THAT VACATION.

- THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GONNA WIN

IS IF THERE'S A CATEGORY CALLED "I DON'T GET IT."

- CARRIE!

I LOVED THAT MOVIE.

ISN'T THAT THE ONE WHERE THE HAND COMES UP

OUT OF THE GRAVE AT THE END?

- NOT CARRIE. CURIE!

I'M MADAME CURIE!

- THEN WHY ARE YOU WITH THE INCREDIBLE HULK?

- TELL HER WHO YOU ARE, PATRICK.

- I'M RADIUM.

NOT TOO CLOSE!

- GET IT?

- NO.

- WE ARE GOING TO WIN THIS CONTEST.

AND I AM NOT JUST DOING THIS FOR ME AND MADAME CURIE.

I'M DOING THIS FOR THE HONOR OF OLD FRANCE.

- YOU KNOW, I READ THAT RADIUM

GOT TO MADAME CURIE'S BRAIN IN THE END.

I THINK YOU'RE THERE ALREADY.

- WE'VE DECIDED UPON THIS YEAR'S BEST COSTUME PAIR.

- PAIR. THAT'S US PATRICK.

- THE TRIP TO CURACAO HAS BEEN WON BY...

EDITH FENTON!

WHO IS CLEVERLY ACCOMPANIED BY HER PARTNER,

THE INVISIBLE MAN.

[all clapping]

- OH, OH, OH, OH!

GEE, LAVERNE, THE PLACE LOOKS GREAT.

- [cackles]

YOU'RE DOOMED, DOCTOR.

- DON'T REMIND ME.

NO, I MEAN, YOU DID A REAL GOOD JOB.

REAL NICE. IT'S OKAY.

- PRETTY SCARY, HUH?

- LAVERNE, I'M A DOCTOR.

SKELETONS DON'T SCARE ME.

AAGGHH!

- OKAY.

WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO REHEARSE

BEFORE THE KIDS SHOW UP.

HERE'S YOUR SCRIPT.

- SCRIPT?

- YOU'RE HARRY.

- BOO?

[doorbell ringing] - OH, LORDY, THEY'RE HERE.

THE FIRST KIDS OF THE EVENIN'.

OKAY, DOCTOR, AM I CREEPY ENOUGH?

- IS THAT A RHETORICAL QUESTION?

- JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY, AND OPEN THE DOOR.

- OKAY, FINE, FINE, FINE.

children: TRICK OR TREAT!

- WHOA, HI, YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT!

- A TREAT?

YOU DARE SNEAK IN HERE AND ASK ME FOR A TREAT?

I THINK I SHOULD GET A TREAT.

- SO, WHERE'S THE FU MANCHU GUY?

- PARDON?

- YOU KNOW, NICK.

I WANNA SEE HIM PULL THAT STUFF OUT OF HIS EAR

LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES.

- OH, WELL, NICK'S KINDA OUT OF THE PICTURE NOW.

BUT THIS HERE IS SCARY HARRY,

AND HE'S TONS MORE TERRIFYIN' THAN NICK EVER WAS.

THAT'S YOUR CUE, DOC.

- BOO?

- CAN WE HAVE OUR TREATS NOW?

- YEAH, WE HAVE TO GET OVER TO A REAL SCARY HOUSE

ON McDONIE STREET.

- OKAY. HERE YA GO.

OKAY, BYE-BYE. - BYE-BYE.

- A LOT OF HELP YOU ARE!

COME ON, DOCTOR. IT'S HALLOWEEN!

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE I COULD GET A LITTLE MORE INVOLVED.

[doorbell ringing]

- HEY, TRY TO KEEP THE ENERGY UP THIS TIME.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

- TRICK OR TREAT!

- WOOOOOOO.

- SIR, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

- WHY DON'T YOU HEAD OVER TO McDONIE STREET?

I HEAR THERE'S A HOUSE GUARANTEED

TO SCARE YOUR SPOTS OFF.

- GEE, THANKS! - HMM.

- OKAY.

COME ON.

- THAT'S IT.

IF I CAN'T SCARE THESE YOUNG'UNS,

I MIGHT AS WELL TURN IN MY NOSE WART.

- SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, LAVERNE.

SEE YOU TOMORROW! - HELLO?

THAT WAS ANOTHER HINT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- WELL, OKAY, HOW 'BOUT YOU LET ME DRESS YOU UP?

- HOW 'BOUT I DON'T?

- WHERE ARE WE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHERE ARE WE?

YOU SAID MAKE A LEFT AT THE LIGHT,

I MADE A LEFT AT THE LIGHT.

I SHOULD'VE LISTENED TO MYSELF.

WHY DO I LISTEN TO YOU?

[car stalling]

- IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY HYUNDAI?

MY BEAUTIFUL HYUNDAI?

- WE'RE OUT OF GAS. - OUT OF GAS?

OUT OF GAS HERE? HOW CAN THAT BE?

I JUST PUT TWO DOLLARS IN.

- TWO WHOLE DOLLARS? - WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- THERE'S GOTTA BE A GAS STATION AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

BRING THE RADIO.

- PATRICK, WHAT ABOUT THE CD CHANGER IN THE TRUNK?

- A LITTLE LOUDER, CAROL.

[cat meowing] - AHHH.

WAS THAT A BLACK CAT THAT JUST CROSSED OUR PATH?

- IT WAS NAVY BLUE. COME ON, LET'S GO.

[glass breaking]

- HIDE! HIDE! - NO, CAROL, NO!

CAROL... [both stammering]

- YO, THEY OVER HERE.

- WE'RE GONNA DIE. WE'RE GONNA DIE.

- SHH! MAYBE THEY WON'T NOTICE US.

WE'RE GONNA DIE.

- OKAY, IF THEY CATCH US,

I'M GONNA ACT LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

A MAN ON DONAHUE SAID THAT IF THEY THINK

YOU'RE DERANGED, THEY'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

- THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HANDLING SITUATIONS LIKE THIS.

- COME OUT, COME OUT! WHEREVER YOU ARE!

- OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

- WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

RADIUM AND MADAME CURIE.

- THEY KNOW WHO WE ARE. WAIT A SECOND!

LET ME GUESS!

YOU'RE WEST SIDE STORY, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. - HEY, BRO!

YO MAMA! YOU DISSIN' US?

- SKIPPY HATES BEIN' WHITE.

THE MONEY, NOW, AND NO FUNNY STUFF, RADIUM.

- AHHH! THE VOICES ARE BACK.

THE VOICES ARE BACK. LOOK, HERE COME THE PRETTY BUTTERFLIES.

- TELL THE PRESIDENT HIS SOCKS ARE READY.

[both muttering]

- ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT CATERPILLAR?

- WHAT--IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY WE MUGGED

SAW THAT DONAHUE.

- THANK GOD, WE'RE HOME.

- PLEASE, PATRICK, RIGHT NOW THERE ARE CRIMINALS

LAUGHING AT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE PICTURE.

WAKE UP, CHARLEY! - YEAH?

- THE FRONT YARD'S A WRECK. DIDN'T YOU HAND OUT THE CANDY?

- I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF.

ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS THIS INCREDIBLE DREAM.

I WAS GETTING A TONGUE BATH FROM A LUSTY REDHEAD

WITH A RUNNY NOSE.

HEY, COOL!

FREE TOILET PAPER.

- OH, I'M GLAD THIS EVENING IS OVER WITH.

WHAT TIME IS IT? - OH, I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME CHECK MY PRICELESS, FAMILY HEIRLOOM WATCH,

MY FATHER GAVE ME FOR GRADUA...

AHHH? IT'S GONE.

- PLEASE, PATRICK! - OH, HEY, IT'S NO PROBLEM.

I'LL JUST BUY ANOTHER ONE, AND CHARGE IT ON MY...

OH! NO WALLET.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE

WHO WAS ROBBED TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT MY DIGNITY?

- DIGNITY?

- I SUPPOSE YOU'RE SAYING THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

- YOUR FAULT?

HOW COULD THIS BE YOUR FAULT?

JUST BECAUSE YOU MADE ME MAKE A LEFT TURN ON A STREET

WHERE I WANTED TO GO STRAIGHT, COMING HOME FROM A PARTY

THAT I DIDN'T WANNA GO TO IN A COSTUME

THAT I DIDN'T WANNA WEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE?

- DON'T YOU USE A RUN-ON SENTENCE

IN THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME.

- CAROL, THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE WORST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.

[sighs]

- OKAY. I'M SORRY. I APOLOGIZE.

BUT YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

- HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN WORSE?

- WE COULD'VE SPENT HALLOWEEN WITHOUT EACH OTHER.

- YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S TRUE.

- I'M SORRY I MADE THIS ONE OF YOUR WORST HALLOWEENS EVER.

- IT'S OKAY, CAROL.

I'M JUST JINXED ON HALLOWEEN.

LET'S JUST PUT IT BEHIND US.

- I WANT THE REST OF TONIGHT TO BE WONDERFUL FOR YOU.

WE'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, THE CHOICE IS YOURS.

- I WANNA KICK BACK AND HAVE MY BEER.

- WELL, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, HONEY.

OR... - OR NOTHING.

EVERY TIME I'VE LISTENED TO YOU TONIGHT

IT'S BEEN A TOTAL DISASTER.

- I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY THAT WE COULD GO INTO THE GARAGE

INSTEAD OF SITTING HERE IN THE KITCHEN.

- OH, IS THAT THE "OR" THAT YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, COME ON. I'LL LIGHT THE WAY.

IT'S YOUR FIRST GOOD SUGGESTION ALL EVENING.

[loud clatter]

OW! OW, OW, OW! OW! OW!

OH, WHY'D I LISTEN TO YOU? - I'LL GET SOME ICE.

- NO, IF YOU SAY ICE, I WANT HEAT.

- PLEASE, SIT DOWN. - I'LL STAND.

- PATRICK! - CALL ME JERRY!

[doorbell ringing] - COME ON, DOCTOR.

WE GOT KIDS A-WAITIN' OUT THERE.

- LAVERNE, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I CANNOT DO THIS. - YES, YOU CAN!

NOW, COME ON!

- [quietly mutters]

- BOY, HE LOOKS SCARY.

- HI, I'D LIKE TO DRINK YOUR BLOOD.

- COOL COSTUME.

TOO BAD HE HAD TO TALK.

- OH, HERE YOU GO.

- DOCTOR, YOU HAD 'EM IN YOUR FANGS,

AND YOU LET 'EM GO.

- LAVERNE, I CANNOT DO THIS!

- ARE YOU SAYIN' YOU'RE A QUITTER, DOCTOR?

[doorbell ringing]

NOW, THESE KIDS CAME HERE TO BE SCARED,

AND YOU GOTTA SCARE 'EM.

YOU GOTTA SCARE 'EM HIGH, YOU GOTTA SCARE 'EM LOW.

THE BIG ONES AND THE LITTLE ONES,

THE NINJA TURTLES,

THE GHOSTS, THE SUPERMANS, THE BATMANS,

THE GENERAL WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMANS.

- KIDS COME AS GENERAL SHERMAN?

- WELL, NOT YET, BUT IF ONE DOES,

I WANT YOU TO SCARE THE HELL OUT OF HIM!

[doorbell ringing] COME ON, DOC!

YOU CAN DO IT! THEY'RE A-WAITIN' FOR YA!

- [with foreign accent] GOOD EVENING!

I BID YOU WELCOME.

ARRR, YOU LOOK LIKE TYPE "A" BLOOD.

MY FAVORITE!

ARRRRR!

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

- NOW, THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT!

- I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

NO, I COULD'VE BEEN BETTER WITH THE BLOOD THING.

WAS I SCARY ENOUGH? I WASN'T SCARY ENOUGH!

RIGHT, AND THE ACCENT, WAS IT TOO MUCH?

I DON'T KNOW... [doorbell ringing]

- OKAY, I'LL GET THIS ONE. - OKAY.

- [cackling] PRETTY SCARY, HUH?

- YEAH, HE SURE IS.

- IT IS I!

COUNT DOCULA!

AHHH, A PRINCESS, A MERMAID, A BALLERINA.

I LOVE AN ASSORTMENT.

- OKAY, HERE'S YOUR TREATS.

- WE WANT COUNT DOCULA TO GIVE 'EM TO US.

- OH, OKAY.

FINE.

- BUT OF COURSE, YOU UGLY HAG!

COME HERE!

YES, HERE.

HERE'S FOR YOU, THE EYE OF A NEWT!

AND FOR YOU, THE TOOTH

OH A WOLF!

- THAT IS WITCH TALK NOT DRACULA.

- THAT'S IT,

WICKED WITCH OF THE SOUTH.

NOW THEN, MY LITTLE DARLINGS, COME HERE.

YES, YES.

NOW, I HAVE GIVEN YOU SOMETHING TO EAT.

NOW, YOU, MUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DRINK!

- BUT WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DRINK.

- AHHH, BUT YOU DO! ARRRR!

[girls screaming]

WOOHOO!

- THEY WERE LITTLE GIRLS.

ANY HALF-BAKED BLOODSUCKER CAN SCARE A LITTLE GIRL.

- AH, I THINK I DID PRETTY WELL, LAVERNE, COME ON.

MAYBE I SHOULD PUT SOME KETCHUP ON MY TEETH OR THESE!

[doorbell ringing] - I'LL GET IT!

- NO, I'LL GET IT!

- WELL, WAIT A MINUTE, NOW.

NOW WE CAN BOTH DO THIS TOGETHER.

WHY DON'T YOU GET IN THE CLOSET AND HIDE

AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP OUT WHEN THEY COME IN,

AND SCARE THEM TO DEATH.

- GREAT IDEA!

YES, AH.

[lock clicks]

- COME IN, MY LITTLE PRETTIES.

- [knocking on closet door] LAVERNE, COME ON.

LAVERNE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO UPSTAGE A WITCH!

- LAVERNE!

- ALL RIGHT KIDS. BYE-BYE, GOODNIGHT.

OKAY, DOCTOR, I'LL LET YOU OUT NOW.

DOCTOR? - [maniacal laughter]

AHH, YOU LOCKED ME IN THE CLOSET, YOU VITCH!

- HEY! - HA HA HA HA!

[knocking on closet door]

WELL, GOOD EVENING! COME ON, LITTLE MEN.

WHOO!

[shrill whooping]

AAAH!

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