Original subtitles

Congratulations.

You've been selected for an elite operations unit.

With your permission, we'd like to conduct a test...

...to determine your suitability for service.

Sure. You mind me asking what you're testing me for?

Just relax.

We have a short training video that will explain everything.

Wait.

Are you okay, Chuck?

Huh? Oh.

Um, no. Not since Emmett started playing romantic comedies 24/7.

He must love Must Love Dogs. That's all he's been showing.

Right. Ha, ha.

- Well, I was just wondering about tonight. - Oh, is there a mission tonight?

Actually, I was referring to the whole Valentine's Day thing.

Oh, my gosh, right.

- I'm sorry. Did you wanna do something? - No, no, I was just curious.

Unless you wanted to do something.

Doesn't it seem like we ought to do something?

- I mean, it's up to you. - Yeah, sure. Okay.

We've been cover-dating for over a year now, right?

It'd be weird if we didn't do something.

Completely weird.

Maybe we could give our covers the night off.

I have a bunch of paperwork to catch up on.

- Good. - Great.

Happy Valentine's Day, you two.

Any hot plans for tonight?

Absolutely, there is.

My house at 8:00, right?

I can hardly wait.

- I'll see you then, sweetie. - Oh, okay.

Bye.

Think the two of us would wind up with smart, beautiful...

...sexually adventuresome girls on Valentine's Day?

The answer is no.

Two jackasses like you landing two hot pieces like Anna and blondie?

It's a cruel trick of nature.

Grimes, get your butt to the sales floor before I kick it over there.

Bartowski, herd up your nerds.

They're right... They're right there.

- And where's Milbarge? - Hello.

Hmm?

Sorry I'm late. I was just waiting for these to cool.

What the hell is that?

Oh, I put little lips on the cupcakes for you.

- I'm talking about that thing on your head. - Oh.

Well, Henrietta's in town. I wanted to look my best.

I mean, it's not that much of a difference.

- Really? - I'll be in my office.

Next time, do your baking on your own time.

My God, who crapped in his box of chocolates?

I don't care what it costs. Get it here tomorrow.

What's he doing in there?

I don't know, but it's completely unnatural.

Oh, my God.

- You don't think he's...? - Working? Calm down, Morgan.

Yeah, there's gotta be a rational explanation for this.

I don't know. Look at him, the guy's a machine.

I think Morgan's onto something.

What if it's not really Big Mike?

What? Like a robot sent from the future?

A cybernetic organism.

A skin job.

There's only one way to find out.

If he bleeds, he's human.

Guys, how about I just talk to him?

Pfft. Please.

Okay, fine. It's your funeral, Bartowski.

Let me ask a question, Bartowski.

What kind of woman delivers divorce papers on Valentine's Day?

- Your wife...? - The Lady Big Mike is no more.

I'm so sorry to hear that, sir.

Damn straight.

I had the catch of a lifetime, I let her get away.

- You wanna talk about it? - I'll be fine.

As long as I keep working, I won't have time to realize...

...I'm gonna spend the rest of my life alone and unloved.

- There's one thing you can do for me. - Sure.

Tell those imbeciles out there to get cracking.

From now on, it's a whole new Buy More.

And get that damn Must Love Dogs off the TV.

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

This is the worst Valentine's Day ever, right?

- Don't be silly. - You're not going to offend me.

There's gotta be someone somewhere having a far worse Valentine's Day.

On the night of August 12th, 1965...

...the 2nd Battalion 3rd Marines endeavored...

...to make a daring helicopter assault on the Elephant Valley...

Hope I'm not interrupting.

- What can I do for you, general? - L.A.P.D. Just picked up one of ours.

The agent's name is Jim Yeager. He's been missing for over a year...

...although he was presumed to be on a covert assignment.

Unfortunately, we have no record of this assignment...

...and so far, the subject has been uncooperative.

Cat's got his tongue, huh?

You want me to take a crack at him?

As you can see, his mental state is fragile enough already.

The subject's last confirmed location...

...comes from a phone call traced to this L.A. Cul-de-sac.

Yeager was living in the Valley? Ha. No wonder he went nuts, right?

We took the liberty of purchasing a home there to serve as a base of operations.

Zoom in on that, please?

Salamander. Salamander.

- What's that he keeps saying? - Salamander.

Possible code name for his enemy contact.

Our best guess, he chose this location for its proximity to a sleeper cell.

I need for someone to resume Yeager's assignment...

...identify his contact and infiltrate their terrorist network.

I don't know how I'd fit in with those people.

Not you, Major Casey.

We need a normal couple.

- That Casey? - Looks like we got a mission.

Thank God.

I'm afraid you will have to drop your dating cover for this assignment.

- No problem. - What is it?

Thai street-racing gang? Ukrainian prostitution ring?

No, for this mission, you and Agent Walker are gonna be married.

You two kids are going to the suburbs.

Good luck as a normal couple.

No.

Yeah, maybe.

Breaking out a dad shirt, huh?

Yeah. What do you think?

Well, it makes you look very grown-up.

Oh, good. That's the idea.

- Yeah, where are you guys going? - Uh, Sarah and I are house-sitting.

Her boss is out of town, so...

Oh, Chuck, that's great.

Spending a week in the suburbs? Yeah, dream come true.

No, don't you get it? This is like a dry run, you know?

So you and Sarah can see what it would really be like:

Zip it. No. Uh-uh.

That is your wedding craziness right there, so keep that. That's yours.

- We're just house-sitting. No big deal. - Okay, fine.

Can we call it cohabitating with your long-term girlfriend...

...in a house that doesn't have posters that were hung in the eighth grade?

That... That is a collectible.

But, yeah, fine. We can call it that.

Then that is a big step forward.

- Love what you've done with the place. - Thanks. I had help.

Uh, sorry, but whose life have I stepped into?

What are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm making potato salad.

- Are you cooking for the neighborhood? - No, Chuck.

You are.

Hey, there's the grillmeister.

Welcome, neighbors.

Don't forget, one of our new neighbors is a suspected terrorist.

You heard the little lady. Get out there and mingle.

Gentlemen, I think that I speak for all of us...

...when I say that the only reason that I took this job...

...was to do as little work as humanly possible.

And the big man, he made that dream a reality.

That man's an inspiration to slackers everywhere.

Until his old lady dumped him.

We're screwed now that he has nothing to live for except for work.

Yeah, but how do we get Mrs. Big Mike to take him back?

How do you mend a broken heart?

You mean, how do we get him laid?

I'm sorry to interrupt this little meeting of the minds.

But you're not the only ones who find this new regime insufferable.

It's obvious that our rotund leader is channeling his sexual energies...

...into the Buy More.

In my opinion, our only hope...

Is to channel them back into sex. Yes, brilliant.

Where do we find Big Mike an out-of-his-league hottie?

Yeah, someone who will suck his will to work out of him.

Not at a Bennigan's bar.

Sometimes that fruit hangs a little too low.

Where do you meet people you don't have to pay for sex?

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Oh!

- Hi. - How are you doing?

I'm good. Um, hi, my name's Charles.

Oh, I'm Brad. I live next door.

- Here you go. - I'm, um, so sorry, I just ran out.

Lucky for you, I'm in the stationary biz.

Check this baby out. That is 110-pound card stock.

Brand-new, genuine embossing, antique finish.

Wow.

Listen, don't let any of these bums know...

...but I can get you a thousand of those at cost.

Enough shop talk. Let's go meet some of the natives.

- What do you say? - Okay.

Guys, this is Charlie.

- Uh, Charlie, over here we got Mark. - Hi.

Whatever you do, do not let him drive your golf cart.

Here we got Dennis here.

Dennis and his wife, Trudy...

...every Friday night, they play a pretty wild game of charades.

Gets pretty zany. Ha-ha-ha.

And this one, last but least, Mitch.

- Do not believe a word this dog says. - Ha-ha-ha.

Hold on a minute. Who is that talking to my wife?

Oh, that's my wife. That's Sarah.

Oh.

Charlie.

Wanna trade sometime?

I'm kidding.

No way the PTA would stand for that.

All right, all right.

Just a few more details, you'll be ready to mingle with the singles.

Who the hell is Lando Calrissian?

He's the only coolest guy in the entire universe.

- It's just your username. - Six-two, 185 pounds?

I don't know, Morgan.

Listen to me, everybody is taller and thinner online.

It's called the Internet hotness conversion factor.

What do you want your job to be?

Uh, manager at the Buy More?

Ha-ha-ha. Make him an astronaut.

- What about lion tamer? - Wait, I got it.

I just don't know about this whole World Wide Web business.

Ain't no way to meet a woman. You know how I met my wife?

- Church picnic. - Look how that worked out.

There was no hiding who you were or how you felt.

The very first time I laid my eyes on Gladys, I knew...

Good Lord.

- Who are they? - Mm-hm, mm-hm.

- Users who match your profile. - This ain't no church picnic.

Check out Red Hot Mama.

What about the Internet hotness conversion factor?

Doesn't that work both ways? Why can't you see a face?

Focus on the body, Michael.

Gee whiz, Mike.

We're trying to help you find love here.

Dirty, nasty, filthy love.

So then the Greek guy says, "Well, at least we know where the olive went."

My sentiments exactly.

Hmm.

Can I let you in on a little secret about your neighbors, Mr...?

Carmichael. Charles.

They bore me.

Oh, yeah? Ha, ha.

Yeah, it's, uh, not really my scene either.

Perhaps the two of us can, uh, get together sometime.

Maybe engage in something a little more stimulating.

Oh, sorry. Slippery.

That's very kind of you to offer and that sounds like a lot of fun...

...but I am very, very married.

Congratulations, Mr. Carmichael.

But who isn't? My husband's right over there.

He's a big fella, isn't he?

What line of work is he in? Lumberjack?

The kind that keeps him out of town.

Charles.

Is that your wife?

She seems very pretty.

Gotta run. You know how it is.

The old ball and chain.

Listen, Charles, I just live right across the street.

So call me when the honeymoon's over.

I've got a chain too.

Oh, I bet you do. Ha!

- Excuse me for a second. - All right.

- Well? - No flashes.

No nothing. I think our neighbors are clean.

Except for that lady across the street. She's got a dirty mouth.

- Are you sure you checked everybody? - Maybe we got the wrong cul-de-sac.

Mr. And Mrs. Carmichael, come inside, please?

There's a slight problem with your cable.

Looks like one of ours.

Uh, correction. That was one of ours.

That bug was stolen from a CIA substation in Omaha in '06.

Now it belongs to Fulcrum.

I thought we were looking for a garden-variety terrorist.

Better hurry up, buddy.

Your wieners are burning.

Hi.

Ew, these people creep me out.

Hi, did you sleep well?

Like a log, honey. How did you sleep?

What are you doing? Did Casey find more bugs?

I'm cooking breakfast.

Casey swept the house. It's clean.

Okay, what? Are we gonna invite the neighbors over?

No, Chuck, I'm cooking for you.

- What? - Nothing.

It's just funny.

I never pictured you doing this.

Well, what can I say? I'm versatile.

Sit.

Hold on. Are you enjoying this whole Martha Stewart thing?

I can't believe it.

Please tell me you're not going soft on me.

Just shut up and eat your breakfast.

You better be careful, Sarah. One day, you might actually turn into a real girl.

Sweetie?

Sweetie?

I almost forgot. Would you mind swinging by the store for me?

Have a great day at work.

Okay.

- Wipe that look off your face. - That's Sarah's...

Invisible ink? You can't just use the phone?

We're dealing with Fulcrum here.

They bugged your house. Sometimes you gotta do it the old-fashioned way.

"Location clear, target on move."

- You figured out who planted the bug? - Yeah.

Ring any Intersect bells? Hmm?

Yeah, that's cougar lady's husband. How do you know it was him?

While you were playing house...

...I was doing spy work. Pulled a fingerprint off the bug...

...ran it through the database. - Who was this guy?

CIA PsyOps. Agency shrinks. A bunch of weirdos.

I also ran his bank records.

Turns out he bought this stuff to stretch from here to Gardena.

Infiniband Data Line. The same stuff we use to tap into the agency's intranet.

Any idea what your neighbor was using it for?

I don't know, uh, online gaming? Porn?

- Or? - Or.

- Hacking into government servers. - Or hacking into government servers.

I'm glad you guys cracked it. Glad I could help.

Help by getting us into that house and onto that computer.

- You want me to go in as Nerd Herd? - Wrong again, Bartowski.

You're gonna go in the old-fashioned way.

You want me to sleep with our neighbor Sylvia?

We want you to pretend to wanna sleep with her.

See if you can get onto her husband's PC and see if you flash on anything.

You wanna throw in a little sex? That's your prerogative.

Whatever, I don't know how Sarah's gonna feel about this.

There's no way she's gonna let her husband...

You ready?

Chuck, look, I'm sorry, but this is our best option.

The target's got the house rigged with state-of-the-art security.

Since his wife's expressed interest in you...

We need you to exploit it.

Oh, exploit it.

Gotcha. Yeah, textbook CIA.

Casey and I will be with you every step of the way.

If the cougar gets a little hairy, you can always tap out.

Look, we understand if this makes you uncomfortable...

Breaking my fake wedding vows?

No, forget about it. I'm golden.

Just hit me with another spritz of that, would you?

Why here?

Mr. Carmichael.

I didn't expect you to come so quickly.

Charles Carmichael always comes quickly.

Real smooth, Bartowski.

- Come on in. - Okay.

The cable enters the house to the northwest corner upstairs.

Oh, hey, this is where the magic happens.

What do you think your, uh, wife would say if she knew you were up here?

You think she'd be jealous?

Well, it's like you said.

I mean, the honeymoon, she is over.

- Hi-yo. - Lf you don't mind me asking.

When was the last time you and your wife made love?

That's, uh, a good one.

Things have been a little cold in that department lately.

- Oh, poor baby. - Oh.

Do you know what I'm gonna do to you, Charles?

- I've got a pretty good idea. - Ha, ha.

I'm gonna thaw you out.

Oh, I bet you are.

You she-devil. You temptress.

You're taking my sock off.

Ha-ha-ha. Ticklish, ticklish, ticklish.

That's my feet area. Maybe we could just talk for a few minutes.

- How's that sound? - Ugh!

You didn't come here to talk.

I didn't come here to talk.

Why not? Talking is perfectly...

Talking's overrated, isn't it?

No, you know what? It's just that I'm a little nervous.

The whole adultery game is, uh, a little new to me.

I think just a drink, a little liquid courage would really go a long way right now.

- Is Scotch okay? - Sounds delish.

Thank you. I'll be right here. Ha, ha.

You already knew that.

Crazy person.

Come... Aah, aah!

Casey, I'm handcuffed.

Relax. Handcuffs are a cinch.

- Really? - Yeah.

There's a bone in your thumb. Really easy to break.

What you're gonna do is apply torsional pressure to it until it snaps.

I'm not gonna break my bone.

Well, in that case, you're screwed.

Think, think. Wait a minute, wait.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh.

Damn it. Password protected. Oh.

Salamander.

Salamander.

Chuck? Chuck, you have to get out of there.

Chuck. Chuck.

Stay where you are, Walker. I'm going in after him.

Have you tested him yet?

He's upstairs. I've got him cuffed.

He was just here.

Oh!

He ran the test.

He survived.

We've found our subject.

Good afternoon.

- Charlie. - Brad.

You're never gonna believe what happened to me.

This ought to be good.

I send you there undercover...

...and you not only nearly expose Mr. Bartowski to Fulcrum...

...but to an entire cul-de-sac of civilians?

No excuses, general, we pooched it.

No. No, we didn't pooch it. We didn't pooch it.

General, look, I saw something on that computer, okay?

I saw pictures.

- How illuminating. - General, they weren't regular pictures.

They were like Intersect pictures, embedded files.

Like the ones Bryce sent me, only very different.

We think Chuck could have Fulcrum programming in his brain.

In that case, I am pulling Mr. Bartowski from this operation.

But as long as Agent Walker's cover is intact...

...I want you two to lock down the cul-de-sac, monitor Fulcrum.

See what else you can uncover before we make a move on their cell.

The Carmichaels are getting a divorce.

Oh, my, my, my. Don't you look prosperous, Michael.

Tonight's the night with the lady? How you feeling?

Like an imposter. Look at me, look at this ridiculous outfit.

She's gonna take one look at me...

...and realize I'm not a 185-pound shipping magnate.

Oh, relax. That suit is very slimming.

That's right. That's right.

You know what? It'll make your wallet look fat.

Morgan's right. That lady's not gonna know what hit her.

You're gonna need a hydraulic crowbar to pry her off.

Yes.

What do you say, Bartowski?

Should I come clean? Tell her who I really am?

You got your girl without having to lie about your lowly occupation, right?

Um...

- I'm not so sure I'm the best role model. - You're better than these losers.

When is the last time y'all had dates? And I'm not counting Bennigan's.

And you, you and Anna break up every other week.

And you, I don't even know what your affiliation is, Elvis.

- What does he mean? - Bathroom thing.

Look, Mike, I don't know. It's up to you.

But do you really wanna be a part of a relationship that's founded on lies?

- The answer is yes. - Absolutely. He is not thinking.

Agent Walker, there are unknowns moving on your position.

Sarah. Leave a message.

You and Casey have to get out of that cul-de-sac immediately.

I just flashed on something.

I think it was Fulcrum, something I uploaded off the computer.

Excuse me.

Hi, yeah. Could you give me a hand with my cable, please?

The company that built the neighborhood is a front.

If you're looking for free premium channels, I'm not the guy.

Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

It's not just a house, the neighborhood is Fulcrum.

I'm getting some kind of weird interference.

Somebody in the neighborhood...

...might be running some high-powered electronic equipment.

Actually, I think it might be that house right over there.

Hi.

I'm so sorry about what happened with your husband.

It must have been awful.

It's times like these you need your neighbors most.

Oh, thank you. Uh, come in.

Hope you like brownies.

Looking for the wife?

She's having a chat with the ladies.

You feeling all right, buddy?

How's his blood pressure?

A little high.

- Shall I give him more sedative? - No.

Sarah.

Sarah.

Where's Sarah?

Where's Sarah? Where's my wife?

Mr. Carmichael, she isn't your wife.

She's a CIA agent.

And so are you.

What...? What do you want from me?

You have got a very special brain.

Don't worry.

We're gonna do everything we can to not damage it.

Damage? Damage? What is he talking about?

What you saw upstairs was a small part of a computer program.

The CIA designed it to implant intelligence...

...directly into agents through encoded images.

But the CIA gave up on the program.

They decided to slug it out, fighting the war on terror...

...using cold-war tactics.

But we're training agents who are ready to fight tomorrow's wars.

How would you like to be a part of that future?

How would you like to be part of Fulcrum?

What about her?

Look, I'll do whatever you want, just let her go.

Don't tell me you have feelings for your partner?

You really let her get into your head.

What did she tell you?

That someday you two would be together?

Maybe settle down in a cute little cul-de-sac like this one?

Ha, ha. You're funny.

This place isn't real.

Her feelings for you aren't real.

Don't worry. This next part should help you get over her.

If he survives it.

Chuck!

He can't hear you.

No. No!

Chuck? Chuck?

- He's toast. - Chuck.

Get him out of here.

Dump him where you dumped the others.

What just happened?

Mr. Carmichael.

Do you know where you are, Mr. Carmichael?

Beneath Meadow Branch subdivision.

In a Fulcrum lab that was built as part of a secret initiative.

What initiative?

To rebuild the Intersect computer.

Oh, my God, it worked.

Can I ask just one more question?

You mind if we, uh, test your wife next?

Wife?

I don't have a wife.

Before you run the test, I'd like to tell Agent Walker something.

Agent Walker?

Now we have a name.

Close your eyes.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

- You? - I think so.

Somebody call the cable guy?

Take these guys to the detention center.

That one goes to the agency morgue. We're not done with him yet.

Besides testing on humans, it appears that Fulcrum is perilously close...

...to completing their own Intersect computer.

Bartowski is more important than ever. His life has never been in more danger.

- The honeymoon is over, Agent Walker. - Yes, ma'am.

Hey, everything okay?

Yeah, just a routine debriefing.

Uh, I was wondering if you wanted to swing by the old cul-de-sac tonight.

Why?

Uh, I don't know.

I've figured we still got the place and Ellie still thinks we're house-sitting, so...

I thought that, you know, we could maybe enjoy a night in the suburbs...

...order in, rent a movie, no mission to worry about...

...just Mr. And Mrs. Carmichael.

- Maybe have fun. - We can't go back there.

It was just a cover.

Yeah, I know that, I...

Casey and I have to shut down the operation. Can we talk later?

Absolutely.

- Uh, Chuck? - Yeah.

I'm gonna need that back.

Right.

I almost forgot.

Hey, how was the big date?

Gentlemen, it was a night of exquisite passion.

I did things I didn't even know existed, which are likely illegal.

- Yes. You took our advice? - I lied my ass off.

- What'd we tell you? - Way to get in the game.

Enough chitchat. We're burning daylight.

Lester, man the Nerd Herd desk.

Jeff, help out the green shirts. I want the new inventory stocked by lunch.

My store had better be shipshape.

You're making us work?

- What about your new girlfriend? - What about her?

She's gonna be here any minute. I invited her down.

Wow.

Michael, what's going on?

Why are you dressed like that?

Because I work here.

I'm a manager at the Buy More, Bolonia.

But I thought you were a boat captain.

Shipping magnate.

But that was something I just made up so I could get to do what we did last night.

But after we did what we did last night...

...I can't bear to lie to you anymore.

So I'll understand if you wanna tell me where to shove it.

But I hope you forgive me.

I do forgive you.

The truth is, I wasn't 100 percent honest on my dating profile either. Ha, ha.

Oh, honey, I don't mind a little extra weight.

I have a son.

Oh.

Well, so what? I love kids.

He's 26 years old.

- Mm. - I thought you found out.

I thought that's why you wanted to meet here.

- I don't follow. - Michael, my son works here.

Please, Lord, let it be Bartowski.

Mother.

Oh, man.

You're banging my mom.

Hey.

What did I tell you? House-sitting really changes things, huh?

Absolutely.

Just not in the way you were hoping, EI.

To tell you the truth, the suburbs were a disaster for me and Sarah.

Well, what happened? What went wrong?

I guess it's something that's been wrong from the start, you know?

- You guys aren't breaking up, are you? - No, no, no.

Trust me, Sarah's not going anywhere.

Chuck, I guess I don't know what you're saying exactly.

Look, EI, I know how much you love Sarah...

...how much you love the idea of us, us moving forward with you and Devon.

But we're not anything like you guys.

But you guys seem so perfect.

Yeah, I know, I guess.

But being in that house with her...

...it was so close to being perfect...

...the way I had always pictured it would be.

And I realized what was wrong with that picture.

And it was us.

Sarah and I are never gonna be anything more than what we are right now.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that.

Anyway...

Agent Walker?

Get everything you need?

Yeah.