Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show

♪ Don't let them go

♪ Don't let them go

♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it grow

♪ Grow, grow, grow, grow. ♪

I am always amazed when I win awards.

Even more amazed when I don't. And when I feel down,

I look at all my trophies to cheer myself up - the John Markopoulos Memorial Prize

for best use of a swishy curtain...

the Andy Warhol golden syrup for innovation and campery.

The Turner Prize.

The what?

The Turner Prize?!

Now, how on earth did I get that?

When I was growing up,

Saturdays were spent indulging my father's favourite pastime -

digging for shit in skips and carrying it home

to disgrace our lounge/diner.

But this particular Saturday, there were two new exciting things

to brighten up the day.

Number one - a new statue at the local roundabout.

Who's that with her arms in the air like she just don't care?

♪ Near, far... ♪

It's that bird from Titanic. Kate Winslet?

Reading's most famous daughter?

♪...I believe... ♪

She's the epitome of pulchritudinosity!

Kate who?

Cos, basically, as far as my dad was concerned,

if they hadn't been in Coronation Street...

...they didn't exist.

Feckin' genius!

The second new thing we did was nearly get ourselves killed -

cue car.

Stop showing me up! Are you all right?

Yeah. I scuffed my trainers!

Bloody women drivers! Myfriggin' arm's killing me!

What we didn't know was the car was being driven

by Reading's other famous daughter and flavour-of-the-month modern British artist Stacey Bile.

And she was driving said car on the now infamous route,

which saw her motor straight into a top London gallery

where it was awarded none other...

than the Turner Prize.

My dad meanwhile had been awarded with a broken arm.

Snugglebuns, does this top make me look pregnant? No, my bouncing bacon bloomer

with a heavenly piccalilli on the side.

Will you two stop being lovey-dovey? You're actually making me feel ill.

...And, strangely, I sort of feel as if the whole women is the exegetical text

for this exhibition. What's this shit we're watching?

Er, it's an informative, educational

arts programme for intellectuals, Ashlene. Get with the programme.

Who's the Turner Prize actually named after?

Dunno. Tina? Really? Oh, I love her.

Wasn't Ike a bastard, though?

Of course it wasn't named after Tina Turner, duh!

Who is it named after, then? Anthea.

Oh, I'm surrounded by ignorami.

Andy, sugar hips, what if I go like that?

Jaysus, now you look like you're having feckin' twins.

Cheeky bar stool! Never tell a woman

she looks pregnant, especially your wife.

Can you please be quiet, so I can at least attempt to hear some interesting conversation

spoken by practitioners of the Queen's English?

Here we are at the Wayward Gallery, where the car is the star.

Alan Yentob, what do you make of the piece?

Well, Stacey has encapsulated her whole life in this statement.

It's feral, it's metallic andit's completely out of control.

I don't want to sound pretentious... Go on, give it a try.

It's post-apocalyptic.

High praise indeed, Stacey. Do you want to say anything?

Someone call Charles Saatchi - he'll eat this up.

Oh, what a dirty, dirty lady.

Jeez, would you believe it?

It's her, the artist.

That's the bloody car that nearly killed me and Ashlene.

And scuffed my bloody trainers, if you please.

I think a broken arm ranks a little bit higher than dirty feckin' shoes.

Uh, you think so, do you?

Right, that's it!

I'm calling the Tate. That's where all them artists hang out, innit?

Hello, operator, get me the Tate.

Mother, this isn't a Hollywood movie from the '50s.

You have to dial Directory Enquiries.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Hayley's working.

Hello, Holistic Hayley speaking.

You see, around that time,

my Aunt Hayley had set herself up in business - as a telephone astrologer.

♪ People think that I'm a loony blind bird

♪ Who can't twig day from night

♪ A braless hippy with a hound that's whiffy

♪ Her fart's worse than her bite

♪ Too much hair upon my lady garden

♪ Fashion from the bring and buy

♪ But now I'm reading from a psychic plane

♪ With my brown all-seeing eye

♪ Seeing is believing

♪ And I believe, yes, I really do

♪ How the stars collide on the other side

♪ Of my premium-rate line for you

♪ Seeing is believing

♪ And I believe, yes, I really do-hoo

♪ This trick don't need a white stick

♪ I just perceive it

♪ Would you believe it?

♪ I see! ♪

PHONE RINGS

Hello, holistic Hayley speaking.

What star sign are ya?

Pisces. Do you have small feet and love water?

Thought so, bye.

♪ MUSIC "All I Wanna Do" by Dannii Minogue

PHONE RINGS

Holistic Hayl speaking, what star sign are you?

Virgo. Is Simon in?

Kylie, I need to keep the line free for my customers.

PHONE RINGS

Holistic Hayl speaking, what star sign are you?

Libra.And are you a woman

or a man with a perky voice?

I'm a woman. I've got all my bits.

Ah, now...

balance is very important to the Libran lady.

She is in love with the idea of being loved.

First and foremost, she is a performer

who often feels unfairly overshadowed.

Bye.

How did you know I was a performer?

Hayley, get off the phone, I'm trying to get through to the Tate.

Oh, I was bang into my sculpture at Greenham.

I used to mould things out of clay. What sort of things?

Labia, mostly. PHONE RINGS

Ooh, that might be a customer. Simon!

What's a labia? Show him, Hayls.

Ask your mother.

There you go, babe.

Holistic Hayley speaking, what star sign are you?

All this talk of art made me decide I wanted to be an artist.

To capture the fullness of the human form in all its magnitude.

Jeez!

You've drawn one hell of a hefty langer on him there, Simon.

You could make a girl feel anxious with a picture like that.

Visually, Mother, I'm like Roy Walker.

I say what I see.

And that's what I saw.

PHONE RINGS That will be the Tate ringing me back.

Debbie Doonan speaking. Hi, I'm a Sagittarius.

Hayley, it's for you! And it's a Sagittarius.

So, what did that the tit actually say?

It's Tate.

Nice Tates. Thanks.

I gave them a piece of my mind, Jo. Jo Ho.

Johoyo. Johoyo? No.

Johoyo, whoa! Johoyo, go!

I bet you were vile. You are really rude at the moment.

Me? Rude? Can I just point out Simon came to meet this morning

asking what a labia was.

What did you say? I said it was one up from a Ford Capri.

But it wasn't me that put that word in his head, was it, Hayls?

I've got a beautiful crimson labia with leather interiors.

Very unusual.Very top of the range.

Johoyo, it's not a car.

I'm thinking of a Renault tingy...

Clio? Clitoris.

My clitoris, she goes like shit off the shovel.

Anyway, you are really rude when you interrupt my phone calls.

It's my phone. It's my job.

When you work, it's meant to be for money.So?

You don't get paid just for telling people two things about each star sign.

How does money change hands? Well...

See? See?

That is offensive.

Yes, you are one of the rudest people I have met

and I have back-combed Brian May.

Anyway, I only interrupted your phone calls

so I could contact the Tate gallery.

I cannot comprehend the level of rudeness in this place!

Ah! Eh!

Lady, it's time to take the thingamabobby wotsit off.

Are you sure you're a proper stylist?

You know, Debbie, you're starting to get on my mam jams.

You don't know what anything's called. I said, shut up!

Or I'll knock you out with my... cutty-cutty boom-booms.

Scissors?

Yeah.

Anyway, why are you getting your knickers in a twist about the Tate? Because that bloody woman

nearly wiped out half my bloody family in that bloody car.

She broke Andy's arm, Hayley.

Which bloody woman? That bloody woman.

Which bloody woman?

No, she's here! That bloody woman!

What?

When I'm older I shall be a world-famous artist.

I shall live in London in my own studio close by the King's Road

and I shall spend my days thus, painting the beautiful people.

Let me see, girlfriend.

Who do think I am? Floella friggin' Benjamin.

Nearly killed him, you did. Ran him over at a set of traffic lights.

It was a roundabout.

Get your facts right. I hate roundabouts.

And you broke my husband's arm.

It's women like you give Reading a bad name. Puking on the telly.

Swearing all the time, it's a fucking disgrace! You remind me of my mum.

I am not old enough to be your mum! Eh, I do not approve of violence!

Can I buy you a drink?

Do you seriously think I'm the type of person

who can be won over with a bit of liquid refreshment? Hm?

ALL GIGGLE

I think you're hilarious.

So suburban. And your image is so...

...kitsch.

Oh, God, here we go!

She is like Viagra Falls.

It's just like Mummy.

Mummy committed suicide on Christmas Day 1989.

What, did you buy her a really shit present?

She gassed herself.

In a Ford Capri.

That's one step down from a Fiat Labia.

Will you be my muse? Your what?

Her muse.

What does a muse do?

Be a-musing.

In a mews house.

Whilst...snotting up mucus.

ALL LAUGH

I guess I've just got to hang out with her

and be her inspiration at all times.

I mean, I'm not surprised she asked me.

I am a pretty inspirational kind of lady.

A pretty drunk kind of lady.

Simon, I've only had a couple of snowballs. I'm not drunk.

You couldn't unzip me, could you, son?

Not unless you want me to have years of therapy, no, Father.

God, it's so unfair! I need a pee.

No. I want to be an artist and really prove myself as a painter

or a papier-mache expert, and what does Mother go and do?

I'll do it, Andy. I'll hang on.

Becomes a muse for a bloody world-famous artist.

Aghhh!

Which world-famous artist?

Stacey Bile.

Never heard of her.

That's because your family isn't Bohemian like mine.

I've heard of artists.

Er, buying your mother a Beryl Cook birthday card

does not make you Brian Sewell.

I've heard of Celine Dion.

She's a recording artist.

Anyway, I don't think you're understanding my pain here, Kylie.

Stop making everything about you.

Newsflash - it's not.

Get over yourself, girlfriend.

And while I was finding that life could be unfair...

Ooh, that's spesh.

...my mum was finding that life as a muse could be very unfair.

Stacey Bile,

do you think this top makes me look pregnant?

I am trying to concentrate.

Am I inspiring you today, Stacey Bile?

No! Oh.

Would it help if I were to sing you a song?

♪ Once upon a time there was a tavern

♪ Where we used to raise a glass or two... ♪

Shut up!

Sorry, Stacey Bile.

I've decided...

My next exhibition...

is going to be...

A load of paintings of me? If you insist, lover.

...a big tent.

Sewn with loads of panels

and on each panel will be a different name

of someone sewn in who has pissed me off.

And that's considered art, is it?

It will be called...

The House Of Piss Off.

Can you sew?

Well, put it this way, this pencil skirt didn't make itself.

You'd better get to work, then.

Sorry?

♪ All I wanna do

♪ All I wanna do

♪ All I wanna do is touch you... ♪

Good news from the pool - the urine content is down to 9%.

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

I bloody love The Brittas Empire.

I know, that woman who keeps crying is hilarious.

Faster.

It's the end of the world.

Carol, that's just stupid newspaper talkcos of the millennium.

Look, you have got to stop phoning me.

I really don't do this any more.

You're really good, but. You knew I was a performer and everything.

I just read it from my book.

Look, would it help if I told you I was Dannii Minogue?

Yeah, prove it.

Well, I'm a bit phlegmy. (HACKS)

♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do

♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪

I may be blind, but right now I wish I was deaf.

Oh, give us a go!

My nephew listens to Dannii Minogue all the time.

Does he? I could send him my autograph.

I'm really good at it. And she doesn't sound like that.

She sounds like this...

♪ I should be so lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky. ♪

That's NOT Dannii Minogue! Oh. Who is it, then?

Look, it doesn't matter. Just tell me something about my future.

Oh, for God's sake.

Um...never sit on a cold chair, it gives you piles.

Oh, you're good.

I'm going to have to go now. And you'll have to stop calling me.

I really need an astrological guru.

I was sort of making it all up.

Iwas waiting to be caught out and you caught me, so...

That's...how I feel.

♪ And dancing behind movie scenes

♪ Behind those movie screens

♪ Asha Bhosle

♪ She's the one that keeps the dream alive

♪ From the morning past the evening To the end of the light... ♪

Are you done yet? Finished.

You're just taking the piss. I'm not.

You can't even do an Australian accent.

Come and meet me, then you'll know for sure.

Anyway, why would Dannii Minogue be calling me?

Because I'm on tour and I was in Reading and I saw your poster...

Yeah, right(!) Don't say "yeah, right" to me.

I'm famous. I was in Home And Away!

I was a huge in Young Talent Time,

although I've lost a lot of weight since then.

I was nominated for a Silver Logie.

Go and play with yourself, woman.

You know what, mate, I will.

All right then, go on, hang up. You hang up.

You called me.You put up a poster at the Well Woman's Clinic.

You stole it, loser. You smell of wee, wee features.

Just hang up, woman.

Why should I? Bored.

Oh! OK, I promise never to call you again...

There is a God.

...if you tell me just one nice thing about my future.

You're gonna go a long, long way because...

one day you'll get the X factor.

Are you sure you're her muse or just her plain old-fashioned skivvy?

I'm helping create her vision, Andy, it's a crucial part of the process.

As long as it doesn't take over your life.It won't.Like finger-knitting.

I got help for that.You did. So...

everything's grand. It is.

Except she wants me to go up London with her on Friday, just for the day...

and night...

and possibly the whole weekend. What?!

She's got this new exhibition opening on Saturday.She's gotta spend time putting it up.

Then.Who's going to make the tea? You're so sexist, Andy.

What about my feckin' arm? Hayley can make the tea.

She'd better be paying you well, this Stacey feckin' Bile.

Ripping you away from the bosom of your family like this.I'm supporting the arts, Andy.

I'm supporting the arts. Why else would I let him be doing that?

Be warned, I'm going through my Pubist Ceriod.

I think you'll find you mean Cubist Period, lover.

I know all the jargon.

Brilliant. You've captured me perfectly.

That look of ironic, sort of demi-monde-ishness is uncanny.

Simon, you've given me wonky nostrils and a lazy eye.

Whoops, sorry!

And so, as Mum made her way off to the Big Smoke for the weekend...

Lucky bitch.

...Aunty Hayley was left in charge of child care.

Someone pass me the paprika, please.

Atchoo!

What are you actually making, Aunty Hayley?

A veritable feast, dear boy -

Kismish kofta, jerky chicken jalfrezi

and a big sloppy bowl ofdum aloo.

Fabulous. Wicked.

Now, food made by a blind person might look hideous, but actually...

It's absolutely gorgeous.

Much better than the usual bland crap your mum makes.

♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do

♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪

Are you all right, Hayley? Who sings that, Kylie?

Duh! My sister.

Spicy food makes me sleepy.

Oh, I feel like Snow White with all her dwarves.

Sleepy, Slutty, Campy and Vampy.

It always makes me have really weird dreams.

Weird like you're being dry humped in the middle of Victor Value

by Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb?

No, more like I dream I'm doing voiceovers

for '70s American TV programmes. You know, that kind of thing.

Aunty Hayley, to continue our Indian theme will you teach us

some Bollywood dancing later?

We want to get Bangra'd up to the eyeballs, baby.Of course.

I'm a really hot mover, nay, groover.

BOTH: Yis!

Meanwhile, 40 miles away in London, a certain muse was well, not amused.

Debbie, will you concentrate for five minutes!

Don't shout at me, darling, I'm meant to be your muse.

If I can't shout at my muse, who the hell can I shout at?

Your voice is really getting on my Tates now.

We've got to get this up ahead of the exhibition tomorrow.

It wasn't my stupid idea to make a bloody tent, was it?

It's a statement of my own personal experience,

it's incredibly important.

How did Tony Hart piss you off?

Listen, bitch, stop asking questions.

We're staying up all night to nail this mutha,

so get with the programme.

Now!

BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS

And change that light bulb.

We're changing it, baby. We is changing it!

Dad!

Dad?!

(SHOUTING) Dad! Steve Austin, astronaut.

Dad, can dum aloo make you go into labour?

Stronger, faster...

Dad! Come back! Dad!

Ow!

CRASHING

MUSIC CONTINUES

What's going on? What's the matter?

Is everything all right? Take a wild guess!

My little girl's gone into labour.

Oh, is that all? We were having a dance class.

Simon!

Have you phoned for an ambulance?

I find it hard to dial with my left hand.

Give me the phone.

We won't have to look at her fanny, will we?

(SHOUTING) Piss off, gaylord!

The vagina is a beautiful part of a woman's body, Kylie.

How do you know, you've never seen one.

I get the feeling you never will, either.

Just phone the bloody ambulance, woman.

Tone of voice, Andy. This is an emergency.

Which is why I'm phoning the emergency services.

Turn away. Eh?

This is my moment. Turn away.

Turn away from...? I forbid you to look at it.

Turn away. I bloody made it.

Look away.

Piss off.

Do you know what I'm going to do now?

Tell me how your mummy died, again.

I'm going to open this champagne

and drink it.

All to myself. Toasting me.

I'm the best modern British artist in Britain in modern times.

And I deify myself, I'm that fucking amazing.

And you... You...

You will look away...now.

If it means looking away from you,

I'll gladly do it.

Ah, mm, tastes so much better when you're a Turner Prize winner.

Have you got a Turner Prize, Debbie?

No, because you're a common garden barmaid.

I know now why your mummy committed suicide.

I used you, Debbie. Cos you were her daughter.

I used you for your sewing skills.

Like that's a skill.

The only talent in this whole room is my mind.

Got that? You thick bitch.

Look away, Stacey. Look away from my handiwork.

Charles Saatchi was going to buy that for eight million.

Shit on a brick, love. See if he'll buy that.

As you were. Debbie!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE WAILS

Simon, can you phone the ambulance and see where the hell they've got to?I just tried.And...?

20 minutes, there's a really big pile-up on the ring road.

They're all hands to the pump. Dad, drive me to hospital. With one hand?

I'm going to have to bloody drive.

Simon, can you drive? I'm 14!

Kylie?Ditto.

There's only one thing for it. Come on.Eh?

It's not that far to the bloody hospital.

Simon can shout out directions. This is madness.

Argh!

Right, right, right. Right, right!

Andy, who's driving this car, me or you?

I hate back-seat drivers. I'm in the passenger seat. Keep your legs shut, bitch.

'To say Aunty Hayley took to driving like a duck to water would be somewhat of a lie.'

Straight ahead. Please hurry up!

Yeah, or we're going to have to deliver the baby.That means wehave to see her minge!

Shut up, Kylie! CAR HORN BLARES

Forward, forward! This is a piece of piss.

Now take your foot of the gas, Hayley. Which one's the gas?

The one that's not the brake! Which one's the brake?Sweet Jesus!

Andy, who's driving?

SHE FARTS LOUDLY

Actually, I don't think I was in labour.

I think it was all that spicy food.

You feckin' eejit. My friggin' arm's killing me!

Andy, you broke it.

My other arm, you silly old cow!

Oh...

I know that look.

It says, "One day, my son will be the king of window dressing."

Well, maybe not "king" exactly...

I'm back.

Hello?

Ooh.

Dum aloo.

My favourite.

DOORBELL

Sorry, love. Some prick smashed into the Kate Winslet statue on the roundabout.

Come on, how frequent are the contractions?

I am not pregnant!

There's nothing nicer than cold kofta kishmish.

Up. Up!

My dad was now truly disarmed,

defenceless in the face of Hayley's hot beefy bowl.

"Once upon a time, there were three little girls and they went to

"the police academy where they were assigned very hazardous duties..."

Andy!

Stay with me!

So, you bought it?

At an auction, yes. But you can't drive.

I'm a very good driver, Ijust haven't passed my test.

What?

You're terrible, Muriel.

Bollocks!

Mum, what's going on?

♪ Don't let them go don't let them go

♪ Take a beautiful dream

♪ And let it show

♪ Don't let them go

♪ Don't let them go

♪ Take a beautiful dream

♪ And let it grow grow, grow, grow, grow! ♪

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