All language subtitles for Beautiful People s02e05 How I got my Turner.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,560 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,480 ♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show 3 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,640 ♪ Don't let them go 4 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,120 ♪ Don't let them go 5 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:19,400 ♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it grow 6 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:20,880 ♪ Grow, grow, grow, grow. ♪ 7 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:24,160 I am always amazed when I win awards. 8 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:27,480 Even more amazed when I don't. And when I feel down, 9 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:32,160 I look at all my trophies to cheer myself up - the John Markopoulos Memorial Prize 10 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,960 for best use of a swishy curtain... 11 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:39,760 the Andy Warhol golden syrup for innovation and campery. 12 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:42,680 The Turner Prize. 13 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:43,720 The what? 14 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:45,800 The Turner Prize?! 15 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,720 Now, how on earth did I get that? 16 00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:49,960 When I was growing up, 17 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,640 Saturdays were spent indulging my father's favourite pastime - 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,000 digging for shit in skips and carrying it home 19 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,600 to disgrace our lounge/diner. 20 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,720 But this particular Saturday, there were two new exciting things 21 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,280 to brighten up the day. 22 00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:06,000 Number one - a new statue at the local roundabout. 23 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,640 Who's that with her arms in the air like she just don't care? 24 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,840 ♪ Near, far... ♪ 25 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,800 It's that bird from Titanic. Kate Winslet? 26 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,960 Reading's most famous daughter? 27 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,640 ♪...I believe... ♪ 28 00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:20,920 She's the epitome of pulchritudinosity! 29 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,280 Kate who? 30 00:01:23,320 --> 00:01:25,960 Cos, basically, as far as my dad was concerned, 31 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,760 if they hadn't been in Coronation Street... 32 00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,280 ...they didn't exist. 33 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,760 Feckin' genius! 34 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,760 The second new thing we did was nearly get ourselves killed - 35 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,160 cue car. 36 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,720 Stop showing me up! Are you all right? 37 00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,080 Yeah. I scuffed my trainers! 38 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,840 Bloody women drivers! Myfriggin' arm's killing me! 39 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,280 What we didn't know was the car was being driven 40 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:04,680 by Reading's other famous daughter and flavour-of-the-month modern British artist Stacey Bile. 41 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,720 And she was driving said car on the now infamous route, 42 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:12,080 which saw her motor straight into a top London gallery 43 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,760 where it was awarded none other... 44 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,560 than the Turner Prize. 45 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,280 My dad meanwhile had been awarded with a broken arm. 46 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:26,080 Snugglebuns, does this top make me look pregnant? No, my bouncing bacon bloomer 47 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,480 with a heavenly piccalilli on the side. 48 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:33,080 Will you two stop being lovey-dovey? You're actually making me feel ill. 49 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:37,720 ...And, strangely, I sort of feel as if the whole women is the exegetical text 50 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:40,200 for this exhibition. What's this shit we're watching? 51 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,200 Er, it's an informative, educational 52 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:46,040 arts programme for intellectuals, Ashlene. Get with the programme. 53 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:48,400 Who's the Turner Prize actually named after? 54 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:52,680 Dunno. Tina? Really? Oh, I love her. 55 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,800 Wasn't Ike a bastard, though? 56 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,680 Of course it wasn't named after Tina Turner, duh! 57 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,280 Who is it named after, then? Anthea. 58 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,200 Oh, I'm surrounded by ignorami. 59 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,360 Andy, sugar hips, what if I go like that? 60 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,280 Jaysus, now you look like you're having feckin' twins. 61 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,200 Cheeky bar stool! Never tell a woman 62 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,240 she looks pregnant, especially your wife. 63 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,880 Can you please be quiet, so I can at least attempt to hear some interesting conversation 64 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,840 spoken by practitioners of the Queen's English? 65 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,880 Here we are at the Wayward Gallery, where the car is the star. 66 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,480 Alan Yentob, what do you make of the piece? 67 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,880 Well, Stacey has encapsulated her whole life in this statement. 68 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:41,600 It's feral, it's metallic andit's completely out of control. 69 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,480 I don't want to sound pretentious... Go on, give it a try. 70 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,720 It's post-apocalyptic. 71 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,880 High praise indeed, Stacey. Do you want to say anything? 72 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:59,800 Someone call Charles Saatchi - he'll eat this up. 73 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,480 Oh, what a dirty, dirty lady. 74 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,600 Jeez, would you believe it? 75 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,200 It's her, the artist. 76 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,240 That's the bloody car that nearly killed me and Ashlene. 77 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:11,640 And scuffed my bloody trainers, if you please. 78 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:15,320 I think a broken arm ranks a little bit higher than dirty feckin' shoes. 79 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,920 Uh, you think so, do you? 80 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,400 Right, that's it! 81 00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:22,520 I'm calling the Tate. That's where all them artists hang out, innit? 82 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,760 Hello, operator, get me the Tate. 83 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,400 Mother, this isn't a Hollywood movie from the '50s. 84 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,600 You have to dial Directory Enquiries. 85 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:31,160 Oh, yeah. 86 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,200 Oh, Hayley's working. 87 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,640 Hello, Holistic Hayley speaking. 88 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:38,640 You see, around that time, 89 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:43,960 my Aunt Hayley had set herself up in business - as a telephone astrologer. 90 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,360 ♪ People think that I'm a loony blind bird 91 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,720 ♪ Who can't twig day from night 92 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,760 ♪ A braless hippy with a hound that's whiffy 93 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,440 ♪ Her fart's worse than her bite 94 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,720 ♪ Too much hair upon my lady garden 95 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,760 ♪ Fashion from the bring and buy 96 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,920 ♪ But now I'm reading from a psychic plane 97 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,640 ♪ With my brown all-seeing eye 98 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,440 ♪ Seeing is believing 99 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:20,400 ♪ And I believe, yes, I really do 100 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,120 ♪ How the stars collide on the other side 101 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,840 ♪ Of my premium-rate line for you 102 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,920 ♪ Seeing is believing 103 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:36,360 ♪ And I believe, yes, I really do-hoo 104 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,360 ♪ This trick don't need a white stick 105 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000 ♪ I just perceive it 106 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,000 ♪ Would you believe it? 107 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,320 ♪ I see! ♪ 108 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,440 PHONE RINGS 109 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,360 Hello, holistic Hayley speaking. 110 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,200 What star sign are ya? 111 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:56,640 Pisces. Do you have small feet and love water? 112 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,160 Thought so, bye. 113 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,400 ♪ MUSIC "All I Wanna Do" by Dannii Minogue 114 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,720 PHONE RINGS 115 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,680 Holistic Hayl speaking, what star sign are you? 116 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440 Virgo. Is Simon in? 117 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,520 Kylie, I need to keep the line free for my customers. 118 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,680 PHONE RINGS 119 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,400 Holistic Hayl speaking, what star sign are you? 120 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,920 Libra.And are you a woman 121 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,320 or a man with a perky voice? 122 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,120 I'm a woman. I've got all my bits. 123 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,600 Ah, now... 124 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:39,240 balance is very important to the Libran lady. 125 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,400 She is in love with the idea of being loved. 126 00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,400 First and foremost, she is a performer 127 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,800 who often feels unfairly overshadowed. 128 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,320 Bye. 129 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,120 How did you know I was a performer? 130 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,240 Hayley, get off the phone, I'm trying to get through to the Tate. 131 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,000 Oh, I was bang into my sculpture at Greenham. 132 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,920 I used to mould things out of clay. What sort of things? 133 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,120 Labia, mostly. PHONE RINGS 134 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,000 Ooh, that might be a customer. Simon! 135 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,800 What's a labia? Show him, Hayls. 136 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,760 Ask your mother. 137 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,040 There you go, babe. 138 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:25,440 Holistic Hayley speaking, what star sign are you? 139 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,720 All this talk of art made me decide I wanted to be an artist. 140 00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:37,400 To capture the fullness of the human form in all its magnitude. 141 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,800 Jeez! 142 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:43,840 You've drawn one hell of a hefty langer on him there, Simon. 143 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,240 You could make a girl feel anxious with a picture like that. 144 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,360 Visually, Mother, I'm like Roy Walker. 145 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,920 I say what I see. 146 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,720 And that's what I saw. 147 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,160 PHONE RINGS That will be the Tate ringing me back. 148 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,000 Debbie Doonan speaking. Hi, I'm a Sagittarius. 149 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:06,040 Hayley, it's for you! And it's a Sagittarius. 150 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,360 So, what did that the tit actually say? 151 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,680 It's Tate. 152 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,280 Nice Tates. Thanks. 153 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,480 I gave them a piece of my mind, Jo. Jo Ho. 154 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,320 Johoyo. Johoyo? No. 155 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,800 Johoyo, whoa! Johoyo, go! 156 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,600 I bet you were vile. You are really rude at the moment. 157 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,040 Me? Rude? Can I just point out Simon came to meet this morning 158 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,480 asking what a labia was. 159 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,320 What did you say? I said it was one up from a Ford Capri. 160 00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,240 But it wasn't me that put that word in his head, was it, Hayls? 161 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:39,000 I've got a beautiful crimson labia with leather interiors. 162 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,800 Very unusual.Very top of the range. 163 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,920 Johoyo, it's not a car. 164 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,120 I'm thinking of a Renault tingy... 165 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,800 Clio? Clitoris. 166 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,440 My clitoris, she goes like shit off the shovel. 167 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,000 Anyway, you are really rude when you interrupt my phone calls. 168 00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,240 It's my phone. It's my job. 169 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,320 When you work, it's meant to be for money.So? 170 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,840 You don't get paid just for telling people two things about each star sign. 171 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,040 How does money change hands? Well... 172 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,760 See? See? 173 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,880 That is offensive. 174 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,800 Yes, you are one of the rudest people I have met 175 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,600 and I have back-combed Brian May. 176 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,720 Anyway, I only interrupted your phone calls 177 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,480 so I could contact the Tate gallery. 178 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:26,160 I cannot comprehend the level of rudeness in this place! 179 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,920 Ah! Eh! 180 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,720 Lady, it's time to take the thingamabobby wotsit off. 181 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,120 Are you sure you're a proper stylist? 182 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,280 You know, Debbie, you're starting to get on my mam jams. 183 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,880 You don't know what anything's called. I said, shut up! 184 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:43,040 Or I'll knock you out with my... cutty-cutty boom-booms. 185 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,320 Scissors? 186 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,560 Yeah. 187 00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:52,120 Anyway, why are you getting your knickers in a twist about the Tate? Because that bloody woman 188 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,160 nearly wiped out half my bloody family in that bloody car. 189 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,480 She broke Andy's arm, Hayley. 190 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,200 Which bloody woman? That bloody woman. 191 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,480 Which bloody woman? 192 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,640 No, she's here! That bloody woman! 193 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,200 What? 194 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,160 When I'm older I shall be a world-famous artist. 195 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,160 I shall live in London in my own studio close by the King's Road 196 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,960 and I shall spend my days thus, painting the beautiful people. 197 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720 Let me see, girlfriend. 198 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,560 Who do think I am? Floella friggin' Benjamin. 199 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,680 Nearly killed him, you did. Ran him over at a set of traffic lights. 200 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,320 It was a roundabout. 201 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,120 Get your facts right. I hate roundabouts. 202 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,000 And you broke my husband's arm. 203 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,160 It's women like you give Reading a bad name. Puking on the telly. 204 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,120 Swearing all the time, it's a fucking disgrace! You remind me of my mum. 205 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,360 I am not old enough to be your mum! Eh, I do not approve of violence! 206 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,040 Can I buy you a drink? 207 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,560 Do you seriously think I'm the type of person 208 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,680 who can be won over with a bit of liquid refreshment? Hm? 209 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,720 ALL GIGGLE 210 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,040 I think you're hilarious. 211 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,280 So suburban. And your image is so... 212 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,680 ...kitsch. 213 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,840 Oh, God, here we go! 214 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,760 She is like Viagra Falls. 215 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,920 It's just like Mummy. 216 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:30,000 Mummy committed suicide on Christmas Day 1989. 217 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,840 What, did you buy her a really shit present? 218 00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,360 She gassed herself. 219 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,840 In a Ford Capri. 220 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,840 That's one step down from a Fiat Labia. 221 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,880 Will you be my muse? Your what? 222 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,560 Her muse. 223 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,240 What does a muse do? 224 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,480 Be a-musing. 225 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,160 In a mews house. 226 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,520 Whilst...snotting up mucus. 227 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,160 ALL LAUGH 228 00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,160 I guess I've just got to hang out with her 229 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,800 and be her inspiration at all times. 230 00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,000 I mean, I'm not surprised she asked me. 231 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,480 I am a pretty inspirational kind of lady. 232 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,640 A pretty drunk kind of lady. 233 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,760 Simon, I've only had a couple of snowballs. I'm not drunk. 234 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,560 You couldn't unzip me, could you, son? 235 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,520 Not unless you want me to have years of therapy, no, Father. 236 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,800 God, it's so unfair! I need a pee. 237 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,720 No. I want to be an artist and really prove myself as a painter 238 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,240 or a papier-mache expert, and what does Mother go and do? 239 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,880 I'll do it, Andy. I'll hang on. 240 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,120 Becomes a muse for a bloody world-famous artist. 241 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,280 Aghhh! 242 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,680 Which world-famous artist? 243 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,360 Stacey Bile. 244 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,920 Never heard of her. 245 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,440 That's because your family isn't Bohemian like mine. 246 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,080 I've heard of artists. 247 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,880 Er, buying your mother a Beryl Cook birthday card 248 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,680 does not make you Brian Sewell. 249 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,080 I've heard of Celine Dion. 250 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,120 She's a recording artist. 251 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,760 Anyway, I don't think you're understanding my pain here, Kylie. 252 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,200 Stop making everything about you. 253 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,800 Newsflash - it's not. 254 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,160 Get over yourself, girlfriend. 255 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,400 And while I was finding that life could be unfair... 256 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,520 Ooh, that's spesh. 257 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:30,160 ...my mum was finding that life as a muse could be very unfair. 258 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,840 Stacey Bile, 259 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,120 do you think this top makes me look pregnant? 260 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,800 I am trying to concentrate. 261 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,160 Am I inspiring you today, Stacey Bile? 262 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,480 No! Oh. 263 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,040 Would it help if I were to sing you a song? 264 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,600 ♪ Once upon a time there was a tavern 265 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,960 ♪ Where we used to raise a glass or two... ♪ 266 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,400 Shut up! 267 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,040 Sorry, Stacey Bile. 268 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,680 I've decided... 269 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,640 My next exhibition... 270 00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,200 is going to be... 271 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,920 A load of paintings of me? If you insist, lover. 272 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,720 ...a big tent. 273 00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,080 Sewn with loads of panels 274 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,600 and on each panel will be a different name 275 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:31,440 of someone sewn in who has pissed me off. 276 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,360 And that's considered art, is it? 277 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,920 It will be called... 278 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,440 The House Of Piss Off. 279 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,000 Can you sew? 280 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,840 Well, put it this way, this pencil skirt didn't make itself. 281 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,080 You'd better get to work, then. 282 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,440 Sorry? 283 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,440 ♪ All I wanna do 284 00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,240 ♪ All I wanna do 285 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,600 ♪ All I wanna do is touch you... ♪ 286 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:05,800 Good news from the pool - the urine content is down to 9%. 287 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,520 SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY 288 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,640 I bloody love The Brittas Empire. 289 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,480 I know, that woman who keeps crying is hilarious. 290 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,640 Faster. 291 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,480 It's the end of the world. 292 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,360 Carol, that's just stupid newspaper talkcos of the millennium. 293 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,680 Look, you have got to stop phoning me. 294 00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,880 I really don't do this any more. 295 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,640 You're really good, but. You knew I was a performer and everything. 296 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,440 I just read it from my book. 297 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,480 Look, would it help if I told you I was Dannii Minogue? 298 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:40,920 Yeah, prove it. 299 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,040 Well, I'm a bit phlegmy. (HACKS) 300 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,760 ♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do 301 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,280 ♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪ 302 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,760 I may be blind, but right now I wish I was deaf. 303 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,320 Oh, give us a go! 304 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,080 My nephew listens to Dannii Minogue all the time. 305 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,080 Does he? I could send him my autograph. 306 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,040 I'm really good at it. And she doesn't sound like that. 307 00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,000 She sounds like this... 308 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:10,000 ♪ I should be so lucky Lucky, lucky, lucky. ♪ 309 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,560 That's NOT Dannii Minogue! Oh. Who is it, then? 310 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:18,680 Look, it doesn't matter. Just tell me something about my future. 311 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,360 Oh, for God's sake. 312 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,280 Um...never sit on a cold chair, it gives you piles. 313 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,200 Oh, you're good. 314 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,520 I'm going to have to go now. And you'll have to stop calling me. 315 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,600 I really need an astrological guru. 316 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,280 I was sort of making it all up. 317 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,920 Iwas waiting to be caught out and you caught me, so... 318 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,440 That's...how I feel. 319 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,080 ♪ And dancing behind movie scenes 320 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,400 ♪ Behind those movie screens 321 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,960 ♪ Asha Bhosle 322 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,320 ♪ She's the one that keeps the dream alive 323 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,200 ♪ From the morning past the evening To the end of the light... ♪ 324 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,880 Are you done yet? Finished. 325 00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,320 You're just taking the piss. I'm not. 326 00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,720 You can't even do an Australian accent. 327 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,800 Come and meet me, then you'll know for sure. 328 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,640 Anyway, why would Dannii Minogue be calling me? 329 00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,120 Because I'm on tour and I was in Reading and I saw your poster... 330 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,360 Yeah, right(!) Don't say "yeah, right" to me. 331 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,880 I'm famous. I was in Home And Away! 332 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,000 I was a huge in Young Talent Time, 333 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,760 although I've lost a lot of weight since then. 334 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,520 I was nominated for a Silver Logie. 335 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,360 Go and play with yourself, woman. 336 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,840 You know what, mate, I will. 337 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,160 All right then, go on, hang up. You hang up. 338 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,160 You called me.You put up a poster at the Well Woman's Clinic. 339 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,920 You stole it, loser. You smell of wee, wee features. 340 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,800 Just hang up, woman. 341 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,840 Why should I? Bored. 342 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,240 Oh! OK, I promise never to call you again... 343 00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,520 There is a God. 344 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:54,600 ...if you tell me just one nice thing about my future. 345 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,840 You're gonna go a long, long way because... 346 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,440 one day you'll get the X factor. 347 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,160 Are you sure you're her muse or just her plain old-fashioned skivvy? 348 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,400 I'm helping create her vision, Andy, it's a crucial part of the process. 349 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,720 As long as it doesn't take over your life.It won't.Like finger-knitting. 350 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,840 I got help for that.You did. So... 351 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,040 everything's grand. It is. 352 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,040 Except she wants me to go up London with her on Friday, just for the day... 353 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,400 and night... 354 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,320 and possibly the whole weekend. What?! 355 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:38,400 She's got this new exhibition opening on Saturday.She's gotta spend time putting it up. 356 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,480 Then.Who's going to make the tea? You're so sexist, Andy. 357 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,200 What about my feckin' arm? Hayley can make the tea. 358 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,000 She'd better be paying you well, this Stacey feckin' Bile. 359 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,160 Ripping you away from the bosom of your family like this.I'm supporting the arts, Andy. 360 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,760 I'm supporting the arts. Why else would I let him be doing that? 361 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,160 Be warned, I'm going through my Pubist Ceriod. 362 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,600 I think you'll find you mean Cubist Period, lover. 363 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:02,720 I know all the jargon. 364 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,240 Brilliant. You've captured me perfectly. 365 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:13,600 That look of ironic, sort of demi-monde-ishness is uncanny. 366 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,080 Simon, you've given me wonky nostrils and a lazy eye. 367 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,240 Whoops, sorry! 368 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:26,040 And so, as Mum made her way off to the Big Smoke for the weekend... 369 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,080 Lucky bitch. 370 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,560 ...Aunty Hayley was left in charge of child care. 371 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,920 Someone pass me the paprika, please. 372 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,280 Atchoo! 373 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,760 What are you actually making, Aunty Hayley? 374 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,400 A veritable feast, dear boy - 375 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,120 Kismish kofta, jerky chicken jalfrezi 376 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,560 and a big sloppy bowl ofdum aloo. 377 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,360 Fabulous. Wicked. 378 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:56,240 Now, food made by a blind person might look hideous, but actually... 379 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,240 It's absolutely gorgeous. 380 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,720 Much better than the usual bland crap your mum makes. 381 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,640 ♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do 382 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,000 ♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪ 383 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,960 Are you all right, Hayley? Who sings that, Kylie? 384 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,480 Duh! My sister. 385 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,440 Spicy food makes me sleepy. 386 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,320 Oh, I feel like Snow White with all her dwarves. 387 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:24,960 Sleepy, Slutty, Campy and Vampy. 388 00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,600 It always makes me have really weird dreams. 389 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,360 Weird like you're being dry humped in the middle of Victor Value 390 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,920 by Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb? 391 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,600 No, more like I dream I'm doing voiceovers 392 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,000 for '70s American TV programmes. You know, that kind of thing. 393 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:49,560 Aunty Hayley, to continue our Indian theme will you teach us 394 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,240 some Bollywood dancing later? 395 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,120 We want to get Bangra'd up to the eyeballs, baby.Of course. 396 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,360 I'm a really hot mover, nay, groover. 397 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,800 BOTH: Yis! 398 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:07,560 Meanwhile, 40 miles away in London, a certain muse was well, not amused. 399 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,960 Debbie, will you concentrate for five minutes! 400 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,400 Don't shout at me, darling, I'm meant to be your muse. 401 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,840 If I can't shout at my muse, who the hell can I shout at? 402 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,360 Your voice is really getting on my Tates now. 403 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,560 We've got to get this up ahead of the exhibition tomorrow. 404 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,680 It wasn't my stupid idea to make a bloody tent, was it? 405 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,720 It's a statement of my own personal experience, 406 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,600 it's incredibly important. 407 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,840 How did Tony Hart piss you off? 408 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,760 Listen, bitch, stop asking questions. 409 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,200 We're staying up all night to nail this mutha, 410 00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,800 so get with the programme. 411 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,440 Now! 412 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,960 BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS 413 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,760 And change that light bulb. 414 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,640 We're changing it, baby. We is changing it! 415 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,760 Dad! 416 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,680 Dad?! 417 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,520 (SHOUTING) Dad! Steve Austin, astronaut. 418 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,240 Dad, can dum aloo make you go into labour? 419 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,760 Stronger, faster... 420 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,560 Dad! Come back! Dad! 421 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,520 Ow! 422 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,880 CRASHING 423 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,360 MUSIC CONTINUES 424 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,000 What's going on? What's the matter? 425 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120 Is everything all right? Take a wild guess! 426 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,840 My little girl's gone into labour. 427 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,200 Oh, is that all? We were having a dance class. 428 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,320 Simon! 429 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,040 Have you phoned for an ambulance? 430 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,880 I find it hard to dial with my left hand. 431 00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:37,920 Give me the phone. 432 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,680 We won't have to look at her fanny, will we? 433 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,680 (SHOUTING) Piss off, gaylord! 434 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,480 The vagina is a beautiful part of a woman's body, Kylie. 435 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,040 How do you know, you've never seen one. 436 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,120 I get the feeling you never will, either. 437 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,160 Just phone the bloody ambulance, woman. 438 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,600 Tone of voice, Andy. This is an emergency. 439 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,480 Which is why I'm phoning the emergency services. 440 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,560 Turn away. Eh? 441 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,680 This is my moment. Turn away. 442 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,600 Turn away from...? I forbid you to look at it. 443 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,560 Turn away. I bloody made it. 444 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,360 Look away. 445 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,880 Piss off. 446 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,080 Do you know what I'm going to do now? 447 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,920 Tell me how your mummy died, again. 448 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,160 I'm going to open this champagne 449 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,720 and drink it. 450 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,200 All to myself. Toasting me. 451 00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:37,440 I'm the best modern British artist in Britain in modern times. 452 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:41,520 And I deify myself, I'm that fucking amazing. 453 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,240 And you... You... 454 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:49,720 You will look away...now. 455 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,080 If it means looking away from you, 456 00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,400 I'll gladly do it. 457 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:07,040 Ah, mm, tastes so much better when you're a Turner Prize winner. 458 00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,480 Have you got a Turner Prize, Debbie? 459 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,160 No, because you're a common garden barmaid. 460 00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,160 I know now why your mummy committed suicide. 461 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,600 I used you, Debbie. Cos you were her daughter. 462 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,720 I used you for your sewing skills. 463 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,480 Like that's a skill. 464 00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,560 The only talent in this whole room is my mind. 465 00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,480 Got that? You thick bitch. 466 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,880 Look away, Stacey. Look away from my handiwork. 467 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,200 Charles Saatchi was going to buy that for eight million. 468 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,160 Shit on a brick, love. See if he'll buy that. 469 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,000 As you were. Debbie! 470 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,520 SHE SCREAMS 471 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:06,320 SHE WAILS 472 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,960 Simon, can you phone the ambulance and see where the hell they've got to?I just tried.And...? 473 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,600 20 minutes, there's a really big pile-up on the ring road. 474 00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,960 They're all hands to the pump. Dad, drive me to hospital. With one hand? 475 00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,880 I'm going to have to bloody drive. 476 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,320 Simon, can you drive? I'm 14! 477 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:22,760 Kylie?Ditto. 478 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,920 There's only one thing for it. Come on.Eh? 479 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,080 It's not that far to the bloody hospital. 480 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,840 Simon can shout out directions. This is madness. 481 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:31,960 Argh! 482 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,560 Right, right, right. Right, right! 483 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,520 Andy, who's driving this car, me or you? 484 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,720 I hate back-seat drivers. I'm in the passenger seat. Keep your legs shut, bitch. 485 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:50,080 'To say Aunty Hayley took to driving like a duck to water would be somewhat of a lie.' 486 00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,480 Straight ahead. Please hurry up! 487 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:56,280 Yeah, or we're going to have to deliver the baby.That means wehave to see her minge! 488 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,320 Shut up, Kylie! CAR HORN BLARES 489 00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,480 Forward, forward! This is a piece of piss. 490 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,240 Now take your foot of the gas, Hayley. Which one's the gas? 491 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,360 The one that's not the brake! Which one's the brake?Sweet Jesus! 492 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,720 Andy, who's driving? 493 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,120 SHE FARTS LOUDLY 494 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:33,840 Actually, I don't think I was in labour. 495 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,960 I think it was all that spicy food. 496 00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,880 You feckin' eejit. My friggin' arm's killing me! 497 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,600 Andy, you broke it. 498 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,320 My other arm, you silly old cow! 499 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,040 Oh... 500 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,680 I know that look. 501 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:56,280 It says, "One day, my son will be the king of window dressing." 502 00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,960 Well, maybe not "king" exactly... 503 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,600 I'm back. 504 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,000 Hello? 505 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:10,760 Ooh. 506 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,840 Dum aloo. 507 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,400 My favourite. 508 00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,000 DOORBELL 509 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:23,120 Sorry, love. Some prick smashed into the Kate Winslet statue on the roundabout. 510 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,800 Come on, how frequent are the contractions? 511 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,400 I am not pregnant! 512 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,760 There's nothing nicer than cold kofta kishmish. 513 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,080 Up. Up! 514 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,840 My dad was now truly disarmed, 515 00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:44,960 defenceless in the face of Hayley's hot beefy bowl. 516 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,240 "Once upon a time, there were three little girls and they went to 517 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,040 "the police academy where they were assigned very hazardous duties..." 518 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,600 Andy! 519 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,360 Stay with me! 520 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,360 So, you bought it? 521 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,200 At an auction, yes. But you can't drive. 522 00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,000 I'm a very good driver, Ijust haven't passed my test. 523 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,360 What? 524 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,760 You're terrible, Muriel. 525 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:31,440 Bollocks! 526 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,080 Mum, what's going on? 527 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,680 ♪ Don't let them go don't let them go 528 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,840 ♪ Take a beautiful dream 529 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,120 ♪ And let it show 530 00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,320 ♪ Don't let them go 531 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,160 ♪ Don't let them go 532 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,680 ♪ Take a beautiful dream 533 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,960 ♪ And let it grow grow, grow, grow, grow! ♪ 534 00:28:59,010 --> 00:29:03,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41352

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