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This programme contains
some strong language.
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♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show
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♪ Don't let them go
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♪ Don't let them go
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00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:19,400
♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it grow
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♪ Grow, grow, grow, grow. ♪
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I am always amazed when I win awards.
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Even more amazed when I
don't. And when I feel down,
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I look at all my trophies to cheer myself up
- the John Markopoulos Memorial Prize
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for best use of a swishy curtain...
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the Andy Warhol golden syrup
for innovation and campery.
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The Turner Prize.
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The what?
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The Turner Prize?!
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Now, how on earth did I get that?
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00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:49,960
When I was growing up,
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Saturdays were spent indulging
my father's favourite pastime -
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digging for shit in
skips and carrying it home
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to disgrace our lounge/diner.
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00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,720
But this particular Saturday,
there were two new exciting things
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to brighten up the day.
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Number one
- a new statue at the local roundabout.
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Who's that with her arms in the
air like she just don't care?
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♪ Near, far... ♪
25
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It's that bird from
Titanic. Kate Winslet?
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Reading's most famous daughter?
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♪...I believe... ♪
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She's the epitome of pulchritudinosity!
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Kate who?
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Cos, basically, as far
as my dad was concerned,
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if they hadn't been
in Coronation Street...
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...they didn't exist.
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Feckin' genius!
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The second new thing we did was
nearly get ourselves killed -
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cue car.
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Stop showing me up! Are you all right?
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Yeah. I scuffed my trainers!
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Bloody women drivers!
Myfriggin' arm's killing me!
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What we didn't know was
the car was being driven
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by Reading's other famous daughter and
flavour-of-the-month modern British artist Stacey Bile.
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00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:08,720
And she was driving said car
on the now infamous route,
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which saw her motor straight
into a top London gallery
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where it was awarded none other...
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than the Turner Prize.
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My dad meanwhile had been
awarded with a broken arm.
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Snugglebuns, does this top make me look
pregnant? No, my bouncing bacon bloomer
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with a heavenly piccalilli on the side.
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Will you two stop being lovey-dovey?
You're actually making me feel ill.
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...And, strangely, I sort of feel as if
the whole women is the exegetical text
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for this exhibition. What's
this shit we're watching?
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Er, it's an informative, educational
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arts programme for intellectuals,
Ashlene. Get with the programme.
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Who's the Turner Prize
actually named after?
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Dunno. Tina? Really? Oh, I love her.
55
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Wasn't Ike a bastard, though?
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00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:58,680
Of course it wasn't named
after Tina Turner, duh!
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Who is it named after, then? Anthea.
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00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:04,200
Oh, I'm surrounded by ignorami.
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00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:09,360
Andy, sugar hips,
what if I go like that?
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00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:13,280
Jaysus, now you look like
you're having feckin' twins.
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Cheeky bar stool! Never tell a woman
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she looks pregnant,
especially your wife.
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00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:22,880
Can you please be quiet, so I can at least
attempt to hear some interesting conversation
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00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,840
spoken by practitioners
of the Queen's English?
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Here we are at the Wayward
Gallery, where the car is the star.
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Alan Yentob, what do
you make of the piece?
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00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:35,880
Well, Stacey has encapsulated
her whole life in this statement.
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It's feral, it's metallic
andit's completely out of control.
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I don't want to sound
pretentious... Go on, give it a try.
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It's post-apocalyptic.
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00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,880
High praise indeed, Stacey.
Do you want to say anything?
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Someone call Charles Saatchi
- he'll eat this up.
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Oh, what a dirty, dirty lady.
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00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,600
Jeez, would you believe it?
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It's her, the artist.
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00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:09,240
That's the bloody car that
nearly killed me and Ashlene.
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And scuffed my bloody
trainers, if you please.
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I think a broken arm ranks a little
bit higher than dirty feckin' shoes.
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Uh, you think so, do you?
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Right, that's it!
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I'm calling the Tate. That's where
all them artists hang out, innit?
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00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,760
Hello, operator, get me the Tate.
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00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,400
Mother, this isn't a
Hollywood movie from the '50s.
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You have to dial Directory Enquiries.
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Oh, yeah.
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Oh, Hayley's working.
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00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,640
Hello, Holistic Hayley speaking.
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You see, around that time,
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00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:43,960
my Aunt Hayley had set herself up in business
- as a telephone astrologer.
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00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,360
♪ People think that
I'm a loony blind bird
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00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,720
♪ Who can't twig day from night
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00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,760
♪ A braless hippy with
a hound that's whiffy
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00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,440
♪ Her fart's worse than her bite
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00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,720
♪ Too much hair upon my lady garden
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00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,760
♪ Fashion from the bring and buy
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00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,920
♪ But now I'm reading
from a psychic plane
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00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,640
♪ With my brown all-seeing eye
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00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:16,440
♪ Seeing is believing
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♪ And I believe, yes, I really do
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♪ How the stars collide
on the other side
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00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,840
♪ Of my premium-rate line for you
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00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:30,920
♪ Seeing is believing
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♪ And I believe, yes, I really do-hoo
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00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,360
♪ This trick don't need a white stick
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00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000
♪ I just perceive it
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♪ Would you believe it?
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♪ I see! ♪
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PHONE RINGS
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Hello, holistic Hayley speaking.
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00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,200
What star sign are ya?
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Pisces. Do you have
small feet and love water?
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00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,160
Thought so, bye.
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♪ MUSIC "All I Wanna
Do" by Dannii Minogue
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PHONE RINGS
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00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,680
Holistic Hayl speaking,
what star sign are you?
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00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440
Virgo. Is Simon in?
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00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,520
Kylie, I need to keep the
line free for my customers.
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00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,680
PHONE RINGS
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00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:24,400
Holistic Hayl speaking,
what star sign are you?
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00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,920
Libra.And are you a woman
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00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,320
or a man with a perky voice?
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00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,120
I'm a woman. I've got all my bits.
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00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,600
Ah, now...
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balance is very important
to the Libran lady.
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00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:43,400
She is in love with
the idea of being loved.
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00:06:43,440 --> 00:06:46,400
First and foremost, she is a performer
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00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,800
who often feels unfairly overshadowed.
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00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,320
Bye.
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00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:00,120
How did you know I was a performer?
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00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,240
Hayley, get off the phone, I'm
trying to get through to the Tate.
131
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,000
Oh, I was bang into my
sculpture at Greenham.
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00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,920
I used to mould things out
of clay. What sort of things?
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Labia, mostly. PHONE RINGS
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00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,000
Ooh, that might be a customer. Simon!
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00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,800
What's a labia? Show him, Hayls.
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Ask your mother.
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00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:21,040
There you go, babe.
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00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:25,440
Holistic Hayley speaking,
what star sign are you?
139
00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,720
All this talk of art made me
decide I wanted to be an artist.
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To capture the fullness of the
human form in all its magnitude.
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00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:38,800
Jeez!
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You've drawn one hell of a
hefty langer on him there, Simon.
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00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:47,240
You could make a girl feel
anxious with a picture like that.
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00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:50,360
Visually, Mother, I'm like Roy Walker.
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I say what I see.
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And that's what I saw.
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PHONE RINGS That will be
the Tate ringing me back.
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00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,000
Debbie Doonan speaking.
Hi, I'm a Sagittarius.
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00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:06,040
Hayley, it's for you!
And it's a Sagittarius.
150
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,360
So, what did that the tit actually say?
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00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:10,680
It's Tate.
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Nice Tates. Thanks.
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00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:14,480
I gave them a piece
of my mind, Jo. Jo Ho.
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00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:16,320
Johoyo. Johoyo? No.
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00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,800
Johoyo, whoa! Johoyo, go!
156
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:23,600
I bet you were vile. You are
really rude at the moment.
157
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,040
Me? Rude? Can I just point out
Simon came to meet this morning
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00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,480
asking what a labia was.
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00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,320
What did you say? I said it
was one up from a Ford Capri.
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00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:34,240
But it wasn't me that put that
word in his head, was it, Hayls?
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00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:39,000
I've got a beautiful crimson
labia with leather interiors.
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00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,800
Very unusual.Very top of the range.
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00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,920
Johoyo, it's not a car.
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00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,120
I'm thinking of a Renault tingy...
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00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,800
Clio? Clitoris.
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00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:52,440
My clitoris, she goes
like shit off the shovel.
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00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,000
Anyway, you are really rude when
you interrupt my phone calls.
168
00:08:56,040 --> 00:08:58,240
It's my phone. It's my job.
169
00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,320
When you work, it's
meant to be for money.So?
170
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,840
You don't get paid just for telling
people two things about each star sign.
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00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,040
How does money change hands? Well...
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00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,760
See? See?
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00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:09,880
That is offensive.
174
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,800
Yes, you are one of the
rudest people I have met
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00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,600
and I have back-combed Brian May.
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00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,720
Anyway, I only interrupted
your phone calls
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00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,480
so I could contact the Tate gallery.
178
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:26,160
I cannot comprehend the level
of rudeness in this place!
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00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,920
Ah! Eh!
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00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,720
Lady, it's time to take the
thingamabobby wotsit off.
181
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,120
Are you sure you're a proper stylist?
182
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,280
You know, Debbie, you're
starting to get on my mam jams.
183
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,880
You don't know what anything's
called. I said, shut up!
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00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:43,040
Or I'll knock you out with
my... cutty-cutty boom-booms.
185
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,320
Scissors?
186
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,560
Yeah.
187
00:09:47,680 --> 00:09:52,120
Anyway, why are you getting your knickers in a
twist about the Tate? Because that bloody woman
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00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,160
nearly wiped out half my bloody
family in that bloody car.
189
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,480
She broke Andy's arm, Hayley.
190
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,200
Which bloody woman? That bloody woman.
191
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:01,480
Which bloody woman?
192
00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,640
No, she's here! That bloody woman!
193
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,200
What?
194
00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,160
When I'm older I shall
be a world-famous artist.
195
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,160
I shall live in London in my own
studio close by the King's Road
196
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,960
and I shall spend my days thus,
painting the beautiful people.
197
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720
Let me see, girlfriend.
198
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,560
Who do think I am?
Floella friggin' Benjamin.
199
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,680
Nearly killed him, you did. Ran
him over at a set of traffic lights.
200
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,320
It was a roundabout.
201
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,120
Get your facts right.
I hate roundabouts.
202
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,000
And you broke my husband's arm.
203
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,160
It's women like you give Reading
a bad name. Puking on the telly.
204
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:46,120
Swearing all the time, it's a fucking
disgrace! You remind me of my mum.
205
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:52,360
I am not old enough to be your mum!
Eh, I do not approve of violence!
206
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,040
Can I buy you a drink?
207
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:56,560
Do you seriously think
I'm the type of person
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00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:59,680
who can be won over with a
bit of liquid refreshment? Hm?
209
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,720
ALL GIGGLE
210
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,040
I think you're hilarious.
211
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:11,280
So suburban. And your image is so...
212
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:14,680
...kitsch.
213
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,840
Oh, God, here we go!
214
00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,760
She is like Viagra Falls.
215
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,920
It's just like Mummy.
216
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:30,000
Mummy committed suicide
on Christmas Day 1989.
217
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:32,840
What, did you buy her
a really shit present?
218
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,360
She gassed herself.
219
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,840
In a Ford Capri.
220
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,840
That's one step down from a Fiat Labia.
221
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,880
Will you be my muse? Your what?
222
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,560
Her muse.
223
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,240
What does a muse do?
224
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,480
Be a-musing.
225
00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:54,160
In a mews house.
226
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,520
Whilst...snotting up mucus.
227
00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,160
ALL LAUGH
228
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,160
I guess I've just got
to hang out with her
229
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,800
and be her inspiration at all times.
230
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,000
I mean, I'm not surprised she asked me.
231
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:10,480
I am a pretty
inspirational kind of lady.
232
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,640
A pretty drunk kind of lady.
233
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:17,760
Simon, I've only had a couple
of snowballs. I'm not drunk.
234
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,560
You couldn't unzip me, could you, son?
235
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,520
Not unless you want me to have
years of therapy, no, Father.
236
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,800
God, it's so unfair! I need a pee.
237
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,720
No. I want to be an artist and
really prove myself as a painter
238
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:35,240
or a papier-mache expert, and
what does Mother go and do?
239
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,880
I'll do it, Andy. I'll hang on.
240
00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:41,120
Becomes a muse for a
bloody world-famous artist.
241
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,280
Aghhh!
242
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,680
Which world-famous artist?
243
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,360
Stacey Bile.
244
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,920
Never heard of her.
245
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,440
That's because your family
isn't Bohemian like mine.
246
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,080
I've heard of artists.
247
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,880
Er, buying your mother a
Beryl Cook birthday card
248
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,680
does not make you Brian Sewell.
249
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,080
I've heard of Celine Dion.
250
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,120
She's a recording artist.
251
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:11,760
Anyway, I don't think you're
understanding my pain here, Kylie.
252
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,200
Stop making everything about you.
253
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,800
Newsflash
- it's not.
254
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,160
Get over yourself, girlfriend.
255
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,400
And while I was finding
that life could be unfair...
256
00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,520
Ooh, that's spesh.
257
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:30,160
...my mum was finding that life
as a muse could be very unfair.
258
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,840
Stacey Bile,
259
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:35,120
do you think this top
makes me look pregnant?
260
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,800
I am trying to concentrate.
261
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,160
Am I inspiring you today, Stacey Bile?
262
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,480
No! Oh.
263
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,040
Would it help if I
were to sing you a song?
264
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,600
♪ Once upon a time there was a tavern
265
00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,960
♪ Where we used to
raise a glass or two... ♪
266
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,400
Shut up!
267
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,040
Sorry, Stacey Bile.
268
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,680
I've decided...
269
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,640
My next exhibition...
270
00:14:12,680 --> 00:14:14,200
is going to be...
271
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,920
A load of paintings of
me? If you insist, lover.
272
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,720
...a big tent.
273
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:24,080
Sewn with loads of panels
274
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,600
and on each panel will
be a different name
275
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:31,440
of someone sewn in
who has pissed me off.
276
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,360
And that's considered art, is it?
277
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,920
It will be called...
278
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,440
The House Of Piss Off.
279
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:43,000
Can you sew?
280
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,840
Well, put it this way, this
pencil skirt didn't make itself.
281
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,080
You'd better get to work, then.
282
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,440
Sorry?
283
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:56,440
♪ All I wanna do
284
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,240
♪ All I wanna do
285
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,600
♪ All I wanna do is touch you... ♪
286
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:05,800
Good news from the pool
- the urine content is down to 9%.
287
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,520
SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
288
00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:14,640
I bloody love The Brittas Empire.
289
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:17,480
I know, that woman who
keeps crying is hilarious.
290
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,640
Faster.
291
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,480
It's the end of the world.
292
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,360
Carol, that's just stupid
newspaper talkcos of the millennium.
293
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,680
Look, you have got to stop phoning me.
294
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,880
I really don't do this any more.
295
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:33,640
You're really good, but. You knew
I was a performer and everything.
296
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,440
I just read it from my book.
297
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,480
Look, would it help if I
told you I was Dannii Minogue?
298
00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:40,920
Yeah, prove it.
299
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:44,040
Well, I'm a bit phlegmy. (HACKS)
300
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,760
♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do
301
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,280
♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪
302
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,760
I may be blind, but right
now I wish I was deaf.
303
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,320
Oh, give us a go!
304
00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,080
My nephew listens to
Dannii Minogue all the time.
305
00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:01,080
Does he? I could send him my autograph.
306
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,040
I'm really good at it. And
she doesn't sound like that.
307
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:06,000
She sounds like this...
308
00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:10,000
♪ I should be so lucky
Lucky, lucky, lucky. ♪
309
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:13,560
That's NOT Dannii Minogue!
Oh. Who is it, then?
310
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:18,680
Look, it doesn't matter. Just
tell me something about my future.
311
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,360
Oh, for God's sake.
312
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,280
Um...never sit on a cold
chair, it gives you piles.
313
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,200
Oh, you're good.
314
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,520
I'm going to have to go now. And
you'll have to stop calling me.
315
00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,600
I really need an astrological guru.
316
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,280
I was sort of making it all up.
317
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,920
Iwas waiting to be caught
out and you caught me, so...
318
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:44,440
That's...how I feel.
319
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,080
♪ And dancing behind movie scenes
320
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,400
♪ Behind those movie screens
321
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:51,960
♪ Asha Bhosle
322
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,320
♪ She's the one that
keeps the dream alive
323
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,200
♪ From the morning past the
evening To the end of the light... ♪
324
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,880
Are you done yet? Finished.
325
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:05,320
You're just taking the piss. I'm not.
326
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:07,720
You can't even do an Australian accent.
327
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,800
Come and meet me, then
you'll know for sure.
328
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,640
Anyway, why would Dannii
Minogue be calling me?
329
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:16,120
Because I'm on tour and I was in
Reading and I saw your poster...
330
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,360
Yeah, right(!) Don't
say "yeah, right" to me.
331
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,880
I'm famous. I was in Home And Away!
332
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,000
I was a huge in Young Talent Time,
333
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,760
although I've lost a
lot of weight since then.
334
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,520
I was nominated for a Silver Logie.
335
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:29,360
Go and play with yourself, woman.
336
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,840
You know what, mate, I will.
337
00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,160
All right then, go on,
hang up. You hang up.
338
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:37,160
You called me.You put up a
poster at the Well Woman's Clinic.
339
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,920
You stole it, loser. You
smell of wee, wee features.
340
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,800
Just hang up, woman.
341
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,840
Why should I? Bored.
342
00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:48,240
Oh! OK, I promise never
to call you again...
343
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:49,520
There is a God.
344
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:54,600
...if you tell me just one
nice thing about my future.
345
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,840
You're gonna go a long,
long way because...
346
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,440
one day you'll get the X factor.
347
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,160
Are you sure you're her muse or
just her plain old-fashioned skivvy?
348
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,400
I'm helping create her vision, Andy,
it's a crucial part of the process.
349
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,720
As long as it doesn't take over your
life.It won't.Like finger-knitting.
350
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:23,840
I got help for that.You did. So...
351
00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:26,040
everything's grand. It is.
352
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:31,040
Except she wants me to go up London
with her on Friday, just for the day...
353
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,400
and night...
354
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:34,320
and possibly the whole weekend. What?!
355
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:38,400
She's got this new exhibition opening on
Saturday.She's gotta spend time putting it up.
356
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,480
Then.Who's going to make the
tea? You're so sexist, Andy.
357
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,200
What about my feckin' arm?
Hayley can make the tea.
358
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,000
She'd better be paying you
well, this Stacey feckin' Bile.
359
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:51,160
Ripping you away from the bosom of your
family like this.I'm supporting the arts, Andy.
360
00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:54,760
I'm supporting the arts. Why else
would I let him be doing that?
361
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:59,160
Be warned, I'm going
through my Pubist Ceriod.
362
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:01,600
I think you'll find you
mean Cubist Period, lover.
363
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:02,720
I know all the jargon.
364
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,240
Brilliant. You've captured me perfectly.
365
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:13,600
That look of ironic, sort of
demi-monde-ishness is uncanny.
366
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:17,080
Simon, you've given me wonky
nostrils and a lazy eye.
367
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,240
Whoops, sorry!
368
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:26,040
And so, as Mum made her way off
to the Big Smoke for the weekend...
369
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,080
Lucky bitch.
370
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,560
...Aunty Hayley was left
in charge of child care.
371
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,920
Someone pass me the paprika, please.
372
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,280
Atchoo!
373
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,760
What are you actually
making, Aunty Hayley?
374
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,400
A veritable feast, dear boy -
375
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:46,120
Kismish kofta, jerky chicken jalfrezi
376
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:48,560
and a big sloppy bowl ofdum aloo.
377
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,360
Fabulous. Wicked.
378
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:56,240
Now, food made by a blind person
might look hideous, but actually...
379
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,240
It's absolutely gorgeous.
380
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,720
Much better than the usual
bland crap your mum makes.
381
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,640
♪ All I wanna do, all I wanna do
382
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:09,000
♪ All I wanna do is touch you. ♪
383
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,960
Are you all right, Hayley?
Who sings that, Kylie?
384
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,480
Duh! My sister.
385
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,440
Spicy food makes me sleepy.
386
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:20,320
Oh, I feel like Snow
White with all her dwarves.
387
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:24,960
Sleepy, Slutty, Campy and Vampy.
388
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,600
It always makes me have
really weird dreams.
389
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,360
Weird like you're being dry humped
in the middle of Victor Value
390
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,920
by Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew,
Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb?
391
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:40,600
No, more like I dream
I'm doing voiceovers
392
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:44,000
for '70s American TV programmes.
You know, that kind of thing.
393
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:49,560
Aunty Hayley, to continue our
Indian theme will you teach us
394
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,240
some Bollywood dancing later?
395
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:54,120
We want to get Bangra'd up to
the eyeballs, baby.Of course.
396
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,360
I'm a really hot mover, nay, groover.
397
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,800
BOTH: Yis!
398
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:07,560
Meanwhile, 40 miles away in London,
a certain muse was well, not amused.
399
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,960
Debbie, will you
concentrate for five minutes!
400
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,400
Don't shout at me, darling,
I'm meant to be your muse.
401
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,840
If I can't shout at my muse,
who the hell can I shout at?
402
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,360
Your voice is really
getting on my Tates now.
403
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,560
We've got to get this up ahead
of the exhibition tomorrow.
404
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,680
It wasn't my stupid idea to
make a bloody tent, was it?
405
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,720
It's a statement of my
own personal experience,
406
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,600
it's incredibly important.
407
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,840
How did Tony Hart piss you off?
408
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,760
Listen, bitch, stop asking questions.
409
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,200
We're staying up all
night to nail this mutha,
410
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:42,800
so get with the programme.
411
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,440
Now!
412
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,960
BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS
413
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,760
And change that light bulb.
414
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,640
We're changing it,
baby. We is changing it!
415
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,760
Dad!
416
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,680
Dad?!
417
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,520
(SHOUTING) Dad! Steve Austin, astronaut.
418
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:11,240
Dad, can dum aloo make
you go into labour?
419
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,760
Stronger, faster...
420
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,560
Dad! Come back! Dad!
421
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,520
Ow!
422
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:20,880
CRASHING
423
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,360
MUSIC CONTINUES
424
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:26,000
What's going on? What's the matter?
425
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,120
Is everything all
right? Take a wild guess!
426
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,840
My little girl's gone into labour.
427
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,200
Oh, is that all? We were
having a dance class.
428
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,320
Simon!
429
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,040
Have you phoned for an ambulance?
430
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,880
I find it hard to
dial with my left hand.
431
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:37,920
Give me the phone.
432
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,680
We won't have to look
at her fanny, will we?
433
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,680
(SHOUTING) Piss off, gaylord!
434
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,480
The vagina is a beautiful
part of a woman's body, Kylie.
435
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:46,040
How do you know, you've never seen one.
436
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,120
I get the feeling you
never will, either.
437
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,160
Just phone the bloody ambulance, woman.
438
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,600
Tone of voice, Andy.
This is an emergency.
439
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,480
Which is why I'm phoning
the emergency services.
440
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,560
Turn away. Eh?
441
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,680
This is my moment. Turn away.
442
00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,600
Turn away from...? I
forbid you to look at it.
443
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:13,560
Turn away. I bloody made it.
444
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,360
Look away.
445
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,880
Piss off.
446
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,080
Do you know what I'm going to do now?
447
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,920
Tell me how your mummy died, again.
448
00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,160
I'm going to open this champagne
449
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:27,720
and drink it.
450
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:31,200
All to myself. Toasting me.
451
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:37,440
I'm the best modern British
artist in Britain in modern times.
452
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:41,520
And I deify myself, I'm
that fucking amazing.
453
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,240
And you... You...
454
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:49,720
You will look away...now.
455
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,080
If it means looking away from you,
456
00:23:53,120 --> 00:23:55,400
I'll gladly do it.
457
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:07,040
Ah, mm, tastes so much better
when you're a Turner Prize winner.
458
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,480
Have you got a Turner Prize, Debbie?
459
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,160
No, because you're a
common garden barmaid.
460
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:16,160
I know now why your
mummy committed suicide.
461
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:18,600
I used you, Debbie. Cos
you were her daughter.
462
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,720
I used you for your sewing skills.
463
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,480
Like that's a skill.
464
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,560
The only talent in this
whole room is my mind.
465
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,480
Got that? You thick bitch.
466
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:42,880
Look away, Stacey. Look
away from my handiwork.
467
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,200
Charles Saatchi was going to
buy that for eight million.
468
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:49,160
Shit on a brick, love.
See if he'll buy that.
469
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,000
As you were. Debbie!
470
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,520
SHE SCREAMS
471
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:06,320
SHE WAILS
472
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,960
Simon, can you phone the ambulance and see where
the hell they've got to?I just tried.And...?
473
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,600
20 minutes, there's a really
big pile-up on the ring road.
474
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,960
They're all hands to the pump. Dad,
drive me to hospital. With one hand?
475
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,880
I'm going to have to bloody drive.
476
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,320
Simon, can you drive? I'm 14!
477
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:22,760
Kylie?Ditto.
478
00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,920
There's only one thing
for it. Come on.Eh?
479
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,080
It's not that far to
the bloody hospital.
480
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,840
Simon can shout out
directions. This is madness.
481
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:31,960
Argh!
482
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,560
Right, right, right. Right, right!
483
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,520
Andy, who's driving this car, me or you?
484
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:45,720
I hate back-seat drivers. I'm in the
passenger seat. Keep your legs shut, bitch.
485
00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:50,080
'To say Aunty Hayley took to driving like
a duck to water would be somewhat of a lie.'
486
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,480
Straight ahead. Please hurry up!
487
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:56,280
Yeah, or we're going to have to deliver
the baby.That means wehave to see her minge!
488
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,320
Shut up, Kylie! CAR HORN BLARES
489
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:01,480
Forward, forward! This
is a piece of piss.
490
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,240
Now take your foot of the gas,
Hayley. Which one's the gas?
491
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,360
The one that's not the brake!
Which one's the brake?Sweet Jesus!
492
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:11,720
Andy, who's driving?
493
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,120
SHE FARTS LOUDLY
494
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:33,840
Actually, I don't think I was in labour.
495
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,960
I think it was all that spicy food.
496
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,880
You feckin' eejit. My
friggin' arm's killing me!
497
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,600
Andy, you broke it.
498
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:44,320
My other arm, you silly old cow!
499
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,040
Oh...
500
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,680
I know that look.
501
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:56,280
It says, "One day, my son will
be the king of window dressing."
502
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,960
Well, maybe not "king" exactly...
503
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,600
I'm back.
504
00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,000
Hello?
505
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:10,760
Ooh.
506
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,840
Dum aloo.
507
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:15,400
My favourite.
508
00:27:15,440 --> 00:27:17,000
DOORBELL
509
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:23,120
Sorry, love. Some prick smashed into the
Kate Winslet statue on the roundabout.
510
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,800
Come on, how frequent
are the contractions?
511
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,400
I am not pregnant!
512
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,760
There's nothing nicer
than cold kofta kishmish.
513
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,080
Up. Up!
514
00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,840
My dad was now truly disarmed,
515
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:44,960
defenceless in the face
of Hayley's hot beefy bowl.
516
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,240
"Once upon a time, there were
three little girls and they went to
517
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:52,040
"the police academy where they were
assigned very hazardous duties..."
518
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,600
Andy!
519
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,360
Stay with me!
520
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,360
So, you bought it?
521
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,200
At an auction, yes. But you can't drive.
522
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,000
I'm a very good driver,
Ijust haven't passed my test.
523
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,360
What?
524
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,760
You're terrible, Muriel.
525
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:31,440
Bollocks!
526
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,080
Mum, what's going on?
527
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,680
♪ Don't let them go don't let them go
528
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,840
♪ Take a beautiful dream
529
00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,120
♪ And let it show
530
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:51,320
♪ Don't let them go
531
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,160
♪ Don't let them go
532
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:55,680
♪ Take a beautiful dream
533
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,960
♪ And let it grow grow,
grow, grow, grow! ♪
534
00:28:59,010 --> 00:29:03,560
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