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1
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,356
# Ah-ah
2
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,632
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
3
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:18,753
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
4
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:22,759
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
5
00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:28,193
# Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
6
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:31,516
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
7
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,431
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
8
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:45,270
(Simon) It is a truth universally acknowledged
that I am spectacularly easy on the eye.
9
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:49,154
(Gypsy) You are stunning.
Cheekbones like wing mirrors.
10
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:54,550
But those lucky enough to get up close and
personal with this particular work of art
11
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,479
will sometimes notice
a flaw in the canvas.
12
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:05,038
From this angle you have,
curiously, an ever so slightly...
13
00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:08,551
broken nose.
14
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,997
(Sighs)
15
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,313
All my life, I'd wanted
to be on the stage.
16
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,237
# Another opening, another show
17
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,317
# In Philly, Boston to Baltimo'
18
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,079
# A chance for stage folks to say hello
19
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:28,838
- (Banging)
- Pack it in, Simon!
20
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,836
- Trying to sleep here!
- Simon, shut up!
21
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,189
- Shut up, Simon!
- (Dog howls)
22
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,757
(Quietly) # Another
opening of another show
23
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:44,398
That boy came out of the womb
wearing tap shoes and a top hat.
24
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,396
- No wonder you needed stitches.
- (Laughs)
25
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,633
And then, when I was 13,
26
00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,117
the chance to be the next Bonnie
Langford came a-tapping at my cat flap.
27
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,196
Oh, bollocks.
28
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,833
They've opened a theatre school
in Reading? What's it called?
29
00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,034
Madame Darcy's school
30
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,390
for burgeoning theatricals.
31
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:08,271
(Applause)
32
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:14,754
- Why can't I go?
- Because we can't fecking afford it, that's why.
33
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,631
Language, Andy.
34
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,391
Simon, you're blocking my view.
35
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,078
Just because you two can't be bothered
36
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,238
to go out and get decent Jobs,
I have to be denied my destiny?
37
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,794
- Simon!
- We have got decent Jobs.
38
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,149
Er, plumber, barmaid.
39
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,272
I wonder if that's what Huge
Grant's folks did for a living.
40
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:37,552
It's Hugh Grant, Simon. Stop showing off. And,
anyway, there's no such thing as a destiny.
41
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:42,116
- Er, Joan of Arc had a destiny.
- To be burnt at the stake? Big deal.
42
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,435
Imagine if her parents
had turned round and said,
43
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,948
"Guess what, Joan? We
can't afford the matches."
44
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,956
- What's this rubbish?
- Wash your mouth out, Simon Doonan.
45
00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:01,791
This is Carrie, a seminal horror flick about an
isolated girl with strange, telekinetic powers.
46
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,559
Sissy Spacek was nominated
for an Oscar for it.
47
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,390
They turned it into
a musical in the '80s.
48
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,914
- Was it fabulous?
- Nah. It was shite.
49
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,037
Your ma and I left at the overture.
50
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,553
Aw, look, Simon. Two
sissies in one room.
51
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,551
Ashlene.
52
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,397
God, I hate my life.
53
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,910
I hate that none of you have got
any imagination but, most of all,
54
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:34,795
I hate that, of all the places you chose
to run away to, you chose bloody Reading!
55
00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:39,030
- Ooh, sorry.
- Look where you're going!
56
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,640
- Has she been covered in pig's blood yet?
- Oi!
57
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,352
- Sorry.
- God.
58
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:46,039
As they would say years
later on The X Factor,
59
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,072
nothing was going to get in
the way of following my dream.
60
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,594
I bet they do nonstop
shuffle ball change...
61
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,031
- even in maths.
- (Door closes)
62
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,355
Right, there's money
on the bar for chips.
63
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,516
I'm going to a
fancy-dress party, innit?
64
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,471
What as, a prostitute?
65
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,478
I'm the lady in red and your
Uncle Clint's Chris de Burgh.
66
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,035
- Come, on, sweetheart.
- Uh. More like Chris de Burger.
67
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,550
It's always hard being a
parent. Ask Britney Spears.
68
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,271
Are we doing the right thing?
69
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,550
Big Mick across the road,
I mean, he's an actor.
70
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,515
He never went to no drama school.
71
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,189
He's a kids' entertainer, Andy.
He makes bicycles out of balloons.
72
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,830
Well, he tries. He only ever gets
as far as the handle bars, then pop.
73
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,348
No, he's better off
getting a decent education.
74
00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:37,708
He's 63 and borderline
schizophrenic, Andy.
75
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,236
I wonder what my destiny is?
76
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,317
Mine obviously isn't to
finish Flowers In The Attic.
77
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,351
You think about things too much.
78
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,868
Should I be like every other
Stepford Wife on the street?
79
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,150
One topic of conversation. EastEnders.
80
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:59,554
The only one I really like's Roly the
poodle and even he's mildly annoying.
81
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,629
Are you not happy with your lot?
82
00:05:02,680 --> 00:05:04,910
Are you?
83
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,077
Well, I'm married to a gorgeous woman,
84
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,716
I've got two brilliant kids,
85
00:05:10,760 --> 00:05:13,479
we've a roof over our
heads, booze on tap.
86
00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:16,159
If that's destiny,
well, fair play to it.
87
00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:17,918
Destiny rocks.
88
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,110
Destiny sucks.
89
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:24,995
You think of all the old people in this
country, sitting around in rest homes, dribbling.
90
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,909
If that's destiny, you can stick it in
a bag and file it under FI. Forget it.
91
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:32,599
- Well, your mum does all right.
- With wooden teeth?
92
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,351
You sure these aren't too long?
93
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,757
Nah.
94
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:44,230
What's more important, yeah, is
purpose. And you've found yours.
95
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,795
- Have I?
- You're a wife and mother, you lucky old cow.
96
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,751
Who's gonna wanna bang a blind bird?
97
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,710
- Debbie, what you doing?
- Thinking.
98
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,354
- Well don't. That's my knuckle.
- Sorry.
99
00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,154
(Gasps) Uh. Who needs
an epidermis anyway?
100
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:04,352
What happens when the kids leave home,
though, Hayley? Cos one day they will.
101
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,394
Simon'll be a big West End star.
102
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,989
Ashlene'll be married to
a drug dealer in Penge.
103
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,917
What's my purpose then?
104
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,552
Who knows, babe?
105
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:20,118
It's as Hattie McDaniel once said,
"It's Just sometin' de angels done plan."
106
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,872
- Did she?
- I might have made that up.
107
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,031
- (Taps finger nails)
- Oh.
108
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:33,270
Fortunately, my mother was saved from
her existential angst by the bell.
109
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:35,878
- Mr Bell?
- Our drama teacher.
110
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,037
- Never heard of him.
- Does he have one eye bigger than the other,
111
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,753
- huge sideboards and a Mallen streak?
- Yep.
112
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,712
Nah, don't know him. I'm
thinking of Dickie Davis.
113
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:49,279
He's our drama teacher and
he handed these out today.
114
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,471
- Not condoms, are they?
- Leaflets. Don't get excited.
115
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,789
Mr Bell's a pervert, man. He's always
in the girls' changing rooms after PE.
116
00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,798
- I thought you liked PE?
- Who said I was complaining?
117
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,596
- Hayley.
- What?
118
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:08,111
This year's school play is Joseph And
The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
119
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:13,837
Oh, I love that. Come on, Ands. #
Ease on down, ease on down the road #
120
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,668
Hayley, any eeJit knows that's from the
seminal blaxploitation hitfest The Wiz.
121
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,034
Music by Andrew Lloyd
Webber, book by God.
122
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:25,471
See. You don't have to go to no Madame
Darcy's to prove your prowess on the stage.
123
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,954
- When are the auditions, lover?
- After school tomorrow
124
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:31,515
- in the Terry Waite annex.
- That reminds me, that radiator's playing up.
125
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:34,791
- Ooh, and listen to this...
- Could all girls please wear short skirts
126
00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,876
- and see-through
bras? - (Laughs)
127
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,357
No. Please could plenty of boys attend.
We don't want a repeat of last year.
128
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,631
- What did they do last year?
- Seven Brides For Seven Brides.
129
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,274
Oh, yeah? It was like
fecking do-si-do night
130
00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,710
- at Greenham Common.
- Hey, Ands, don't knock the sisterhood.
131
00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:54,309
- We did a lot of good work in them tents.
- Hayley, you grew a beard.
132
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:57,909
Mm. I only have to sniff a
dungaree and I'm back there.
133
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,319
# Only women bleed
134
00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:05,035
(Taps finger nails) # Only women bleed
135
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,197
Hayley, I'm trying to think.
And can you stop strumming?
136
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:12,708
Now, come on, how are we gonna give Simon
the edge over all the other auditionees?
137
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,676
(# Instrumental: Any Dream Will Do)
138
00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,034
Debbie, what you doing under my skirt?
139
00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,188
# I close my eyes
140
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,194
# Drew back the curtains
141
00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,151
# Ah-ah, to... Ow.
142
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:36,029
- Oh!
- For now it would appear
143
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,036
that my mother's purpose in life...
144
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:41,390
- Help. ...was to be
the ultimate showbiz mum.
145
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,877
Gate, Ashlene.
146
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,477
Walk on, Simon.
147
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:52,310
But what she hadn't bargained for was all the
other kids in our street auditioning as well.
148
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:57,357
# The sun'll come out tomorrow
149
00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,393
# Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
150
00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:04,352
- # There'll be sun
- Here, batty boy, d'you want your gym bag?
151
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,392
# Just thinking about tomorrow
152
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:12,319
# Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
153
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,710
# Till there's none
154
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:19,834
# When I'm stuck in a
day that's grey and lonely
155
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,598
# I Just stick out my chin
156
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,076
# And grin and say...
157
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,634
- Come on, Simon, practise.
- # Oh
158
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,956
- # Take that look off your face...
- Join in, Ashlene.
159
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,992
- Piss of.
- # I can see through your smile
160
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,156
# I can see through your smile
161
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:41,274
# You would love to be right I bet
you didn't sleep good last night
162
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:44,869
# Couldn't wait to bring all of
that bad news # I love ya tomorrow
163
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,878
# To my door, well I've got news
for you # You're only a day away
164
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,593
- # Tomorrow
- I'm not with you.
165
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,318
# Don't tell me not to
live, Just sit and putter
166
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,352
# Life's candy and the
sun's a ball of butter
167
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,790
# Don't bring around a
cloud to rain on my parade
168
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,831
Sing out, Imelda.
169
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:09,316
# Don't tell me not to fly,
I've simply got to # Tomorrow
170
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,999
# If someone takes a
spill, it's me and not you
171
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,076
- # Who told you you're allowed
- Sandy.
172
00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:16,714
# To rain on my parade #
Take that look off your face
173
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:19,513
# Only women bleed # I
can see through your smile
174
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,997
# Only women bleed, only women bleed
175
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,431
# I simply gotta march, my heart's a
drummer # Take that look off your face
176
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,189
# To rain on my parade # I
can see through your smile
177
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:38,634
# Tomorrow there'll be sun # Don't
tell me not to live, Just sit and putter
178
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:42,719
# Ease on down, ease on down the road
179
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,678
# Ease on down, ease on down the road
180
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,275
# Ease on down, ease on down the road
181
00:10:56,680 --> 00:11:00,195
# Ease on down, ease on down the road
182
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:04,119
Fuck me. All we need's the yellow taxi.
It'd be like the kids from frigging Fame.
183
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,515
#... down the road
184
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,155
# Ease on down, ease on down the road
185
00:11:14,120 --> 00:11:17,715
Mr Bell, the drama teacher was
light years ahead of his time.
186
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:21,318
So, who's got through?
187
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:26,432
Who's going to be... my Joseph?
188
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,997
Jasbinda Sahota, step forward.
189
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,279
Useless waste of space, get out of
my face, you talentless piece of shit!
190
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,871
(Door slams)
191
00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,308
Pastel Blue Cummings, step forward.
192
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,198
See, I think my Kyle's gonna play Joseph
193
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:10,837
on account of he's actually a direct descendent
of Old Man River himself, Paul Robeson.
194
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,715
Ain't never even heard
of Paul Robeson, Debbie?
195
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,152
You is either hignarant or a racist.
196
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,872
Well, I ain't no racist, Reba.
197
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,673
Well, I guess that
makes you a hignarant.
198
00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:27,032
Oh, I ain't a hignarant, Reba.
You're the one who's a hignarant.
199
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:31,631
- Is that a-right? - Yeah. You
ever heard of a-Hattie Jacques?
200
00:12:31,680 --> 00:12:35,036
Course I have, Debbie. You is
wearing one of her dresses, innit?
201
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,114
- Here they come!
- How d'you get on?
202
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,230
- Are you Joseph?
- No.
203
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:43,598
- Are you Joseph?
- No.
204
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:48,350
- Well who is, then?
- # I close my eyes #
205
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,152
(Screeches)
206
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,155
You wanna suck on a Trebor, love.
207
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:59,035
- A girl's playing Joseph?
- Who does this Mr Bell think he is?
208
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,470
Does he not know that you stayed up half
the night, ripping up my old gypsy skirt
209
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,512
to make a, by all accounts,
stunning coat of many colours?
210
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:09,314
Simon's playing one
of Potiphar's servants.
211
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,476
- I lost my virginity in that skirt.
- A glorified extra.
212
00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:16,637
- Back of a Ford Capri.
- I feel like putting a gun to my head.
213
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,958
Well, he said it was a Ford Capri.
I think it had a whiff of Fiat Panda.
214
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:25,232
- Nice furry dice, though. Big...
- Shut up, Hayley.
215
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:28,629
Uh, it's like that film the other day.
216
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,553
When we're older,
we're gonna move where?
217
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,558
- Ah. London.
- And move amongst what?
218
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,591
The beautiful people.
219
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,835
And we'll be top West End stars
220
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,955
in our own top West End show,
221
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:47,349
that we've written, showing
off all of our talents,
222
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,748
called, called...
223
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,791
(Gasps) Ab Fab, The Musical.
224
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,193
I'll be Joanna Lumley, shweetie.
225
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,590
And you can be June Whitfield.
226
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,993
And Imelda will be bottom of the bill.
227
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,030
And while we were realising
that being usurped by a diva
228
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,877
was going to be our destiny...
229
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,957
Hurry up, Mother. You
are making me late.
230
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,877
... Mum was having a mid-life crisis.
231
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,480
- Sorry, baby.
- Should she be a charity worker?
232
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,597
You know, low lights would really
bring out the shape of your face.
233
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:34,834
An intellectual? Or
maybe even a food critic.
234
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,789
Mr Popodopolis's latest endeavour
certainly gets the taste buds tingling.
235
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:44,834
But those of sensitive aesthetic tendencies
may mourn the absence of a shiny banquette.
236
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:47,713
And those with false nails
may struggle with the cutlery.
237
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,311
I told you they were too long.
238
00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:58,599
- Oh, that girl's wearing sunglasses indoors.
- God, that is so pretentious.
239
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,551
Or is she blind?
240
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,477
Nah. She's pretentious.
241
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,476
- Oh, it's her.
- Who?
242
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,557
(Whispers) Joseph.
243
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,352
(Debbie gasps)
244
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,673
"If you can read this, thank a teacher."
245
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,996
Are you taking the piss?
246
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,868
I didn't know Imelda's dad was a
teacher. Didn't know she had a dad.
247
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,790
She hasn't. He died of
diphtheria in the Dordogne.
248
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,910
She says it's what makes her an artiste.
249
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:39,956
She was with a bloke. He had a sticker on his
bag. "If you can read this, thank a teacher."
250
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,597
Mr Bell's got one of those.
251
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:45,912
On his bag?
252
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,556
- He was probably giving her notes.
- Notes?
253
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,273
On her performance.
- He was giving her more than bloody notes,
254
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,276
He was giving her a kiss.
255
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:59,871
...up straighter, point towards the gods.
OK. Up, up, I want palm trees quivering...
256
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:03,595
Finally, my mother had
found her purpose in life.
257
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:08,236
Did they have inhalers in Joseph's
day, hm? No. It looks ridiculous.
258
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,635
Method, method, method. Come on.
259
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,638
To be an interventionist social worker.
260
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:17,511
Or, in other words, a
common or garden fish wife.
261
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,913
Oh, so it is you.
262
00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,720
You and your bloody
briefcase. I've seen you.
263
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,990
- And you are?
- Doonan. Debbie Doonan.
264
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,110
Mother of one of Potiphar's servants.
265
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,276
I've been demoted to
quivering palm tree.
266
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,959
Yes, and how can I help you,
mother of quivering palm tree?
267
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,629
I know exactly why you cast that
talentless Jailbait as Joseph.
268
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,353
- Because she's good?
- Because you're grooming her.
269
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,472
- For stardom?
- Don't get funny with me, Roger De Courcey.
270
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,353
I've got your number and I'll be
onto Social Services about you.
271
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,039
- What are you on about, Mrs Doonan.
- That poor, innocent child.
272
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,594
Mrs Doonan, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
273
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,790
- I saw you.
- Saw me what?
274
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:55,355
Kissing her, touching her up the
greasy spoon. What kind of man are you?
275
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,755
Oh, how does your sordid mind work?
276
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,030
You can't fool me. I've
put a note through her door.
277
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,914
Her mother'll know what's going on when
she gets back from her macramé convention.
278
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,316
- I beg your pardon?
- A macramé convention in Slough. Don't ask.
279
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,113
My relationship with Imelda is
not inappropriate, Mrs Doonan.
280
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,869
You think it's normal? I'm sorry but I'm
gonna heave. My daughter warned me about you.
281
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,309
Imelda is my goddaughter.
282
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,554
- Beg pardon?
- My goddaughter.
283
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,712
Her father, Colin, was my
best friend at University
284
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,514
until he died of
pancreatitis in the Pyrenees.
285
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,917
I thought it was
diphtheria in the Dordogne?
286
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,757
- Sorry?
- Nothing.
287
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,598
I don't even know why I'm telling you
this. Suffice it to say what you saw
288
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,108
in the greasy spoon was completely
innocent and above board.
289
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,232
- A hug and a kiss?
- It was the anniversary of her father's death
290
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:44,475
- and she was upset.
- Oh, yeah?
291
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,637
Yes. You ask her mother
if you don't believe me.
292
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,956
I'll see myself out.
293
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,797
As you were.
294
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,712
And the next time you wish to make
slanderous accusations about me,
295
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,116
I suggest you consult a
lawyer and the facts first.
296
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:05,233
Oh, well, at least we got to the bottom
of why you cast her in the role of Joseph.
297
00:18:05,280 --> 00:18:07,794
Nepotism is alive and
well and living in Reading.
298
00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:10,195
I cast her because she's
the best person for the Job.
299
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,435
What's wrong with my son?
300
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,436
He's too effeminate.
301
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,277
So he called your son effeminate?
302
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,390
- Yes.
- And is he?
303
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,271
- Effeminate schmeminate.
- (# Violin)
304
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,436
I always thought my mother was Jewish.
305
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:35,950
# Papa, can you hear me?
306
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,709
# Papa, can you see me?
307
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:46,552
# Papa, can you find me in the night? #
308
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,273
Calling him that in front of the other
kids, what sort of example's that?
309
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:51,072
And the example you set?
310
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:54,668
Bit of an old hand at this,
aren't you, Mrs Doonan?
311
00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,748
- You tell me, Julian Bravo.
- Quite a lot of notes on your file.
312
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,314
I'm a fine, outstanding
member of the community.
313
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:05,149
Which one? The Mafia?
314
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:09,876
Says here you were involved in an incident a
few years back, at the Oracle shopping centre.
315
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,311
- Oracle schmoracle.
- (# Violin)
316
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,079
Stop that. We know you're not Jewish.
317
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,829
You're anti-semantic. You'll be
saying there was no holocaust next.
318
00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:20,711
Shame on you, PC Plod.
319
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:25,356
Care to recall what happened at the
Oracle schmoracle shopping centre?
320
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,233
I threw an egg at Margaret
Thatcher. Big deal.
321
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,272
But you missed, didn't
you, and hit a policeman?
322
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,311
You win some, you lose some.
323
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:38,309
- This policeman.
- Thought I recognised that dandruff.
324
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,717
And it wasn't any old egg, was it?
325
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,748
It was a Cadbury's Cream Egg
326
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,109
and they're quite hard.
327
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:51,153
- And his eye came up like a football.
- A golf ball, the Judge said.
328
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,555
Kinda like a... satsuma.
329
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,076
- You gonna charge me or not?
- That's kind of up to Mr Bell.
330
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,475
I'll sort it. I'm very close with
all my neighbours. First name terms.
331
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,393
Abigail Jo.
332
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,311
Abigail Jo.
333
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,158
- It's Kathy, Brenda.
- I'm Debbie.
334
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,111
I know.
335
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,277
Anyway, Kelly, can I have a word?
336
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,440
You know what they're
calling you, don't you?
337
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,516
Mike Tyson in a skirt.
338
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,676
It's a skort, actually.
339
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:30,075
A cross between a skirt and shorts.
340
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:32,076
Functional yet forgiving.
341
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,475
Mitzi-Lou, I Just wanna say I'm sorry.
342
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:38,513
I was completely out of order thumping
your friend and I, I got you this, actually.
343
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:42,109
Thought you might be interested. It's
called Making Friends With Macramé.
344
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,879
Only problem is, it is a library
book so I will need it back.
345
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,878
But if it's any good, I
thought I could buy you a copy.
346
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,628
I've already got it, actually.
347
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,551
I got the wrong end of
the schtick, Donna Marie.
348
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,194
I'm sorry. I thought he was abusing her.
349
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:03,358
Oh, well, I suppose I should
appreciate your concern, Magda Jane,
350
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,872
although you do have a bit of a
roundabout way of expressing it.
351
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:08,911
(Sighs) I'll have a word with Tristram.
352
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,951
Great. Who's Tristram?
353
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,711
- Mr Bell.
- Oh.
354
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,149
It's weird when you find out
teachers' first names, innit?
355
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,668
Yeah. We had this once, Miss MaJaksi.
356
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:21,950
And we found out her first name was Pat.
357
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,911
Pat MaJaksi.
358
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:28,317
Which is weird cos she did actually
once pat my Jacksie after netball.
359
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,594
Anyway, Cherish Anita.
360
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,437
(Whispers) I'll see you.
361
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,708
Oh, Sapphire Griselda,
362
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,313
you always look so fabulous.
Never a hair out of place.
363
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,839
Got that right, babes.
364
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,111
I might be a bit more inclined
to have a word with Tristram
365
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,879
if you gave me a make-over
in time for the first night?
366
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:57,869
Oh, OK. Then maybe we could
all go and see Joseph together.
367
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:04,270
Oh, didn't you hear? Joseph's off.
He's quite highly strung, old Tristram.
368
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,798
Right. That's it! As
of now, the show is off.
369
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:13,957
Screw you and your sodding parents.
Screw the lot of you. I quit.
370
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,831
So there's no school play,
371
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,155
Jemima... (Deep voice) Anoushka?
372
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,749
Got it in one, Frogmella Umbonga.
373
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,917
It's all right, though, because the
new PE teacher's come up with this idea
374
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,669
of putting on a talent evening, so my
baby will have her moment in the sun.
375
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,029
- Oh.
- You might know her, actually,
376
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:32,752
this new PE teacher.
377
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,030
Older lady. Quite Asian.
378
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,716
Miss MaJaksi.
379
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,077
Imelda.
380
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,314
I'm sorry... about my mum and that.
381
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,633
(Scoffs) I'm sorry you've
got a mum like that.
382
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,591
What are you going to
do for talent night?
383
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:57,030
The Magic Of The Musicals. A
Journey through the West End.
384
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,116
If you're going to do
something from Joseph...
385
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,393
- do you want this?
- It couture.
386
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,628
I'd rather eat my own body weight
387
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,636
in razor blades.
388
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,151
And, in case you were wondering,
389
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,111
yes, that did hurt.
390
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,839
- I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose.
- This is all my fault for smacking that teacher.
391
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,711
Let's see?
392
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,437
(Panting, squealing)
393
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,157
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Can't look that bad, surely?
394
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,839
Put it this way, I don't think
you're gonna be making opening night.
395
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,836
(Sighs) Fetch me a looking glass.
396
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:41,950
- What?
- He means mirror. Hurry up.
397
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:47,313
- Oh, my beautiful baby boy.
- He's 13, Tabitha. Don't infantalise him.
398
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,555
God, you lot don't half overreact.
399
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,557
Right.
400
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:55,111
Take a deep breath, kidder.
401
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:59,429
And in that moment, I discovered
what it's actually like...
402
00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:04,876
to be sick at the sight of yourself.
403
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,038
I can't get up on stage in
front of people like this, Kylie.
404
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,116
Oh, you can.
405
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:13,310
You make sure you can.
406
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,036
The show must go on, girlfriend.
407
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,396
And we'll make sure bitch
face gets her Just deserts.
408
00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:25,593
Thanks to Imelda's mum, my mum had
finally found her true purpose in life,
409
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:30,395
to look fabulous at all times and inspire
others with her unique sense of style.
410
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:37,276
And Aunty Hayley discovered that, if you
wear six inch nails, you can't read Braille.
411
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,117
(Groans)
412
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,196
(# Aqua: Barbie Girl)
413
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:48,149
Kylie and I, on the other hand,
discovered our inner Barbie.
414
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,156
# I'm a Barbie girl
415
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,350
# In a Barbie world
416
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,277
# Life in plastic
417
00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:55,958
# It's fantastic
418
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,592
# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
419
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,471
# Ha ha ha yeah
420
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,636
# Come on, Barbie, let's go party
421
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,477
# Oh-woh,
oh-woh #
422
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,875
- Tss!
- (Whistle, applause)
423
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:09,717
(Debbie screeches)
424
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,399
- You must be so proud, Libby Labilia.
- Ha.
425
00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:22,715
# May I return
426
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,550
# To the beginning
427
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,709
# The light is dimming
428
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,638
# And the dream is too
429
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,795
# The world and I... #
430
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,995
- Y'all right, Miss MaJaksi?
- # We are still waiting
431
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,430
# Still hesitating
432
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:49,150
# Any dream will do... #
433
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:56,434
- I also discovered Kylie was a true friend.
- # Give me my coloured coat
434
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,076
# My amazing coloured coat
435
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:06,875
# Give me my coloured coat
436
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,238
# My amazing
437
00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:19,279
# Coloured coat #
438
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,272
(Screams)
439
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,797
Extra strong mint, Sammy Fan?
440
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,756
You traumatised her.
441
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,791
She's had to change school's cos of you.
442
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,229
Oh, lucky bitch.
443
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:01,192
We all, of course, learnt that
everything comes to those who grate.
444
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,478
My face soon cleared
up and my nose was fine.
445
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:12,072
It was years later I got it broken, when
I was a set dresser on Live With Loretta...
446
00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:16,271
(Loretta) Hiya and welcome back.
447
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:20,711
In a few minutes, we're gonna meet the
actress who this year won the Olivier Award
448
00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:25,788
for her portrayal as president's wife,
Laura Bush, in the brand-new musical,
449
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:29,799
Your America, My Bush.
That's Imelda Brownlow.
450
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:34,152
... when a blast from the past came back
to slap me in my hitherto flawless face...
451
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:36,509
(Whispers) Oi, Barbie girl.
452
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,596
Imelda.
453
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,431
Have you had some work?
454
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:43,877
... literally.
455
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,117
# Ah-ah
456
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:59,953
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
457
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:05,154
# Take a beautiful dream and let
it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
458
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,556
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na
459
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:13,358
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
460
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,995
# Na-na-na-na-na-na,
na, na-na-na #
461
00:28:17,045 --> 00:28:21,595
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