Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:05,478 --> 00:00:09,433
Hands at ten to two.
Leave it, Dad, I've got it nailed.
2
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:13,437
Talking of "nailing" things,
don't hurry back from work tonight.
3
00:00:13,438 --> 00:00:16,469
Hurry home to you in your pants,
eating a Fray Bentos pie?
4
00:00:16,470 --> 00:00:18,429
Yeah, I'll try not to.
5
00:00:18,430 --> 00:00:22,425
Good, because I am liaising
with a bit of skirt,
6
00:00:22,426 --> 00:00:26,449
a portion of crumpet trumpet,
p-p-probably going to hump it.
7
00:00:26,450 --> 00:00:30,405
Please don't rap. And are you sure
that's wise, you dating?
8
00:00:30,406 --> 00:00:32,453
Aren't two car crash
marriages enough?
9
00:00:32,454 --> 00:00:34,409
Player's got to play.
10
00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:36,393
No, player's got to retire,
11
00:00:36,394 --> 00:00:39,405
get his coaching badges or
try his hand at punditry.
12
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:42,449
Go out with dignity, Dad.
Be G Nev, not Rio.
13
00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:45,449
Well, tonight, if the bed's a
rocking then don't come a knocking
14
00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:48,433
cos I've p-p-probably got my
cock in... The caretaker!
15
00:00:48,434 --> 00:00:50,461
You're shagging the caretaker?
16
00:00:50,462 --> 00:00:52,394
Ooh!
17
00:00:55,470 --> 00:00:58,088
Oh, you meant the caretaker
was in the road.
18
00:00:58,089 --> 00:01:27,298
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
19
00:01:32,478 --> 00:01:34,429
Thank you.
20
00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:35,473
Oi, where you been, man?
21
00:01:35,474 --> 00:01:37,425
We've been stood here since 7.30
22
00:01:37,426 --> 00:01:39,449
and it ain't my fault
the caretaker's crocked.
23
00:01:39,450 --> 00:01:41,409
Chugger bibs are not cooshy.
24
00:01:41,410 --> 00:01:42,413
I'm sorry, I got held up.
25
00:01:42,414 --> 00:01:44,417
The caretaker lives on the other side
of Tring.
26
00:01:44,418 --> 00:01:46,413
You're still going
to his flat every morning?
27
00:01:46,414 --> 00:01:49,417
Chantelle, I have disabled that man
for life - it is only fair that
28
00:01:49,418 --> 00:01:51,738
I help him with the things he
can no longer do for himself.
29
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,409
Did you break his wanking hand?
30
00:01:53,410 --> 00:01:56,441
Ha-ha. No, I did not, Cleopatra!
31
00:01:56,442 --> 00:02:02,417
I just do the boring domestic
chores - cooking, cleaning...
32
00:02:02,418 --> 00:02:03,457
back rubs.
33
00:02:03,458 --> 00:02:06,389
I thought he'd broken his back.
No, Joe,
34
00:02:06,390 --> 00:02:08,385
his wife gets the back rubs.
35
00:02:08,386 --> 00:02:09,477
OK, run me past that again.
36
00:02:09,478 --> 00:02:12,469
It's very simple.
Because of what I did to poor Pod,
37
00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:15,397
he can no longer give his wife
her nightly rubdowns.
38
00:02:15,398 --> 00:02:17,413
It's only fair that
I step into the breach.
39
00:02:17,414 --> 00:02:19,401
Pod just, you know...
40
00:02:19,402 --> 00:02:20,417
watches.
41
00:02:20,418 --> 00:02:23,425
Again, this is probably just me
being slow,
42
00:02:23,426 --> 00:02:26,473
but he's watching you
massage his wife?
43
00:02:26,474 --> 00:02:28,418
It's the least I could do.
44
00:02:30,406 --> 00:02:32,462
I don't believe it! Richard!
45
00:02:36,410 --> 00:02:39,401
Rosie? What are you doing
in Richard's toy ambulance?
46
00:02:39,402 --> 00:02:40,421
Have you taken him back?
47
00:02:40,422 --> 00:02:43,385
Richard drove to my mother's house
last night.
48
00:02:43,386 --> 00:02:45,425
Oh, you've moved in with your mum.
Who knew?
49
00:02:45,426 --> 00:02:46,433
Not me.
50
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,409
I told him
he didn't have a future with me.
51
00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:50,417
To be fair,
he doesn't have long without you.
52
00:02:50,418 --> 00:02:52,477
So, did you steal his Noddy car
out of revenge?
53
00:02:52,478 --> 00:02:55,393
Richard had been drinking
very heavily
54
00:02:55,394 --> 00:02:59,429
and he was saying these things,
not all of them nice.
55
00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:01,397
Mostly about you.
56
00:03:01,398 --> 00:03:03,401
He's probably intimidated by me.
57
00:03:03,402 --> 00:03:05,762
No, it wasn't that. He called you
a pathetic little stalker.
58
00:03:05,787 --> 00:03:07,425
Stalker, me? Please!
59
00:03:07,426 --> 00:03:10,706
Anyway, I made him walk home and now he's
going to have to collect this after work.
60
00:03:10,731 --> 00:03:13,393
Why don't you get him
to pick it up now?
61
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,674
The sooner the better. Call him.
62
00:03:14,699 --> 00:03:17,405
No, no, I'll call him later.
No, do it now.
63
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,446
No. Alfie, give that back.
64
00:03:18,471 --> 00:03:20,451
We need him out of our lives,
for good.
65
00:03:25,390 --> 00:03:27,397
Oh, he's left the phone in there.
66
00:03:27,398 --> 00:03:30,401
Which reminds me, you left
your flask in my mother's garden.
67
00:03:30,402 --> 00:03:33,413
There's literally a million, billion
reasons that that could be there,
68
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,478
but if you want
I could come pick it up tonight.
69
00:03:39,390 --> 00:03:40,630
This doesn't make me a stalker.
70
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:41,663
Mm-hmm.
71
00:03:48,454 --> 00:03:51,393
Wow! We've made over a grand.
72
00:03:51,394 --> 00:03:53,554
Finally, Pod is going to be able
to go to Las Vegas for
73
00:03:53,579 --> 00:03:55,429
that life-changing surgery.
74
00:03:55,430 --> 00:03:58,401
Don't people usually go to Florida
for that, not Vegas?
75
00:03:58,402 --> 00:04:00,465
Er, Jing, hookers
and croupiers need doctors too.
76
00:04:00,466 --> 00:04:03,461
You don't think he's milking it
a little bit? Milking it?
77
00:04:03,462 --> 00:04:06,437
Mm. That man is paralysed
from the waist down.
78
00:04:06,438 --> 00:04:09,418
None of you have any idea...
79
00:04:11,414 --> 00:04:14,433
Most of you don't have any idea how
difficult that must be.
80
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:16,425
I've ruined the guy's life.
81
00:04:16,426 --> 00:04:19,397
How do you sleep at night?
82
00:04:19,398 --> 00:04:23,385
Oh, yeah, I remember,
in a bush in Miss Gulliver's garden.
83
00:04:23,386 --> 00:04:24,409
I'm not stalking her.
84
00:04:24,410 --> 00:04:26,441
It is a vigil for a love that is
on life support,
85
00:04:26,442 --> 00:04:28,457
so stop trolling
and hashtag pray for Golfie.
86
00:04:28,458 --> 00:04:31,481
Sir, you can lay your head
in my bush any night you like.
87
00:04:31,482 --> 00:04:33,449
Even for you, I mean...
88
00:04:33,450 --> 00:04:36,397
Don't you think you're being
a bit paranoid? Paranoid?
89
00:04:36,398 --> 00:04:39,405
Joe, Richard is round there every
night and now she's driving his car.
90
00:04:39,406 --> 00:04:41,390
It's all just too convenient.
91
00:04:42,410 --> 00:04:46,481
Hello, Smooch. Gang. I've a reward
for all your charitable endeavours.
92
00:04:46,482 --> 00:04:51,481
All right, Dickers, what's the cash
for? Kick start for your fanny tuck?
93
00:04:51,482 --> 00:04:53,461
Curtains for his curtains?
94
00:04:53,462 --> 00:04:56,389
Er, no,
and that doesn't even work, anyway,
95
00:04:56,390 --> 00:04:59,397
because I'm 100% red-blooded bloke,
mate.
96
00:04:59,398 --> 00:05:01,385
Though you did go through a phase.
97
00:05:01,386 --> 00:05:05,393
You couldn't tell Alfie what to
wear - skirts, dresses, padded bras.
98
00:05:05,394 --> 00:05:07,413
For a week we had to call him
Angelina.
99
00:05:07,414 --> 00:05:10,654
The final piece of the puzzle. Do you ever
wish that dads could die in childbirth?
100
00:05:10,679 --> 00:05:13,429
Listen, Smooch, Frank's been
held back five years.
101
00:05:13,430 --> 00:05:15,409
No-one else wants him
in their class.
102
00:05:15,410 --> 00:05:17,449
No way!
There must be another solution.
103
00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:21,461
Either Frank joins Form K or
he gets permanently excluded.
104
00:05:21,462 --> 00:05:23,417
There we are, knew you'd crack it.
105
00:05:23,418 --> 00:05:24,858
Take that to Fraser on your way out.
106
00:05:26,414 --> 00:05:30,437
What if your teachers had abandoned
little Angelina
107
00:05:30,438 --> 00:05:33,437
just because she wouldn't
conform to their rules?
108
00:05:33,438 --> 00:05:37,473
Right, if I take Frank, will you
never mention Angelina ever again?
109
00:05:37,474 --> 00:05:39,405
Deal!
110
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,433
No!
111
00:05:40,434 --> 00:05:41,470
Nice one, Ange.
112
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:56,417
My girlfriend has bought me
this smartphone.
113
00:05:56,418 --> 00:06:00,409
She's dragging me kicking
and screaming into the 21st century.
114
00:06:00,410 --> 00:06:02,473
If you know what I mean.
115
00:06:02,474 --> 00:06:05,466
She does the screaming, I...
116
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:08,457
No-one's kicking anyone.
117
00:06:08,458 --> 00:06:13,389
Has anyone seen a brass pole
about yay high, heavily lubricated?
118
00:06:13,390 --> 00:06:15,417
Fraser,
no-one will think any less of you
119
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:17,429
if you walk out of this room
and start over.
120
00:06:17,430 --> 00:06:18,670
Oh, I've taken up pole dancing.
121
00:06:18,671 --> 00:06:21,682
Right, well, you had your chance.
This is exactly the kind of problem that
122
00:06:21,683 --> 00:06:24,437
sportspeople in the pole dancing
community face every day.
123
00:06:24,438 --> 00:06:25,449
That and the groping.
124
00:06:25,450 --> 00:06:27,425
Pole dancing is not a sport.
125
00:06:27,426 --> 00:06:29,385
Would you say that to
a pole vaulter?
126
00:06:29,386 --> 00:06:31,397
No. For obvious reasons.
127
00:06:31,398 --> 00:06:33,481
Er, what is seedy about poling
your butt fabulous?
128
00:06:33,482 --> 00:06:35,441
Do you really want us
to answer that?
129
00:06:35,442 --> 00:06:36,481
Six weeks at pole club
130
00:06:36,482 --> 00:06:39,401
and I can pick up a briefcase
without using my hands.
131
00:06:39,402 --> 00:06:41,421
Ooh, can I suggest,
first rule of pole club,
132
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,465
never talk about pole club
or your fabulous ass ever again.
133
00:06:44,466 --> 00:06:47,481
Martin, did you expel
Frank Grayson like I told you to?
134
00:06:47,482 --> 00:06:50,461
What? You had the chance to
get rid of Frank Grayson
135
00:06:50,462 --> 00:06:52,389
and you dumped him on me?
136
00:06:52,390 --> 00:06:53,449
Dad?
137
00:06:53,450 --> 00:06:56,445
Er, his mother was very keen
that we keep him here.
138
00:06:56,446 --> 00:06:59,445
Uh, I'm sorry,
that boy is beyond hope.
139
00:06:59,446 --> 00:07:02,465
Look, if no-one else can handle him,
Richard's worked with an outreach
140
00:07:02,466 --> 00:07:05,453
programme, mentoring troubled kids.
He could help with Frank.
141
00:07:05,454 --> 00:07:08,393
I'd never give up on Frank -
he's like a son to me.
142
00:07:08,394 --> 00:07:10,417
And sorry,
what's all this Richard bullshit?
143
00:07:10,418 --> 00:07:13,385
You're still in love with him!
Oh, not this again.
144
00:07:13,386 --> 00:07:15,413
Domestic! Come on, Martin,
let's bust a nut.
145
00:07:15,414 --> 00:07:19,409
Going to go and do
some hands-free marking. Tick!
146
00:07:19,410 --> 00:07:20,490
Come on, tell me the truth.
147
00:07:20,515 --> 00:07:22,441
I demand to see your text messages.
148
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:26,405
Look, promise you there's nothing
going on between me and Richard.
149
00:07:26,406 --> 00:07:29,429
I was just saying that,
for all his faults,
150
00:07:29,430 --> 00:07:30,630
kids do seem to relate to him.
151
00:07:30,655 --> 00:07:32,421
Please!
152
00:07:32,422 --> 00:07:34,469
Who's more likely to reach
out to Frank -
153
00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:39,449
one of the Wonga puppets or
a funky, edgy young brother,
154
00:07:39,450 --> 00:07:42,421
who knows all about life
on the mother-loving streets?
155
00:07:42,422 --> 00:07:44,413
And who would that be?
156
00:07:44,414 --> 00:07:45,445
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
157
00:07:45,446 --> 00:07:47,465
'Sup, bitches and G's?
158
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:49,477
Let's seckle for a parlay.
159
00:07:49,478 --> 00:07:51,417
Oh, my God, what's happening?
160
00:07:51,418 --> 00:07:54,401
Frank, when I was your age...
161
00:07:54,402 --> 00:07:56,449
Well, I mean, actually
we're probably a similar age.
162
00:07:56,450 --> 00:07:59,449
When we were the same age,
I used to run with a crew.
163
00:07:59,450 --> 00:08:02,441
Shee, them some crazy ass homes.
164
00:08:02,442 --> 00:08:05,445
Something tells me
Atticus Hoy is involved.
165
00:08:05,446 --> 00:08:10,401
For real! Me and Hoysie,
we once done a burglary together.
166
00:08:10,402 --> 00:08:12,386
What was you stealing - turds?
167
00:08:13,394 --> 00:08:15,389
Nah! Apples.
168
00:08:15,390 --> 00:08:17,473
Scrumping was a risky biz
back in the day, once got
169
00:08:17,474 --> 00:08:24,421
cornered by a farmer packing heat.
Yeah, horse chestnut branch yay big.
170
00:08:24,422 --> 00:08:27,437
We legged it,
but then got cornered by the pigs.
171
00:08:27,438 --> 00:08:29,385
You got arrested?
172
00:08:29,386 --> 00:08:30,429
Nah, actual pigs.
173
00:08:30,430 --> 00:08:33,405
They charged us in their sty,
we got covered in mud!
174
00:08:33,406 --> 00:08:36,418
Me and Atticus had to strip off and
wash each other down in the stream.
175
00:08:38,446 --> 00:08:39,481
Shee!
176
00:08:39,482 --> 00:08:42,457
This is worse than the time you
rubbed noses with my father.
177
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:44,433
Oi, Biggy, can you shoot Pac?
178
00:08:44,434 --> 00:08:47,442
Frank, life is like a game of chess.
179
00:08:48,466 --> 00:08:51,389
But the game is bullshit, yeah?
180
00:08:51,390 --> 00:08:54,482
So why are we so blind to see
that the ones we hurt are you and me?
181
00:08:56,438 --> 00:09:00,417
Cheers, Coolio.
That was relatively entertaining.
182
00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:02,481
I'm going to go and torch
the library.
183
00:09:02,482 --> 00:09:04,465
No, Frank, please!
184
00:09:04,466 --> 00:09:07,417
I promised Miss Gulliver that
I would reform you,
185
00:09:07,418 --> 00:09:10,405
so could you just not be
a dick for, like, six hours?
186
00:09:10,406 --> 00:09:11,437
What was I thinking?
187
00:09:11,438 --> 00:09:14,465
I can't set fire to the library!
188
00:09:14,466 --> 00:09:17,390
I left my lighter
in that car I jacked.
189
00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:21,393
You can enter a locked car,
take something from it -
190
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,474
like, say, a mobile phone -
191
00:09:22,499 --> 00:09:25,409
and then lock it back up again so
that no-one knows you've been there?
192
00:09:25,410 --> 00:09:26,530
Does your dad stink of shit?
193
00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:30,465
Here's a little curveball. How about
we use your powers for good?
194
00:09:30,466 --> 00:09:34,421
Alfie, please tell me you don't
want Frank to break into a car.
195
00:09:34,422 --> 00:09:35,453
Obviously not, Joe.
196
00:09:35,454 --> 00:09:37,474
I want him to break into
an ambulance.
197
00:09:41,462 --> 00:09:43,401
You're breaking the law, sir.
198
00:09:43,402 --> 00:09:45,417
It's a crime of passion, Chantelle.
199
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,437
Love does not answer to petty laws,
rules and regulations.
200
00:09:48,438 --> 00:09:49,518
I knew you'd see the light.
201
00:09:49,543 --> 00:09:53,393
No. No physical contact! Remember,
don't break the six-inch rule.
202
00:09:53,394 --> 00:09:55,470
Oh, I won't, sir,
you look like an eight or a nine.
203
00:09:57,442 --> 00:09:59,401
Bingo! Yes!
204
00:09:59,402 --> 00:10:02,422
Quick rummage round, then I'll pop
you back on the straight and narrow.
205
00:10:05,426 --> 00:10:07,445
This car smells of grandads!
206
00:10:07,446 --> 00:10:09,461
Come on! Ah.
207
00:10:09,462 --> 00:10:12,457
Alfie, you can't go through
someone's private messages.
208
00:10:12,458 --> 00:10:16,409
Er, freedom of information.
We deserve to know the truth, Joe.
209
00:10:16,410 --> 00:10:19,442
This is WickersLeaks -
information belongs to everyone.
210
00:10:20,446 --> 00:10:22,429
Damn! No texts.
211
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:25,417
Off you go, then. I'm going to
take her out for a quick spin.
212
00:10:25,418 --> 00:10:29,390
What? No! You're on the road
to redemption, remember.
213
00:10:33,442 --> 00:10:35,413
Er, sir!
214
00:10:35,414 --> 00:10:36,814
Don't worry, I've got this covered.
215
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,417
There!
216
00:10:40,418 --> 00:10:42,409
Six children are locked
into this vehicle,
217
00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:44,417
none of them are wearing seat belts.
218
00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,461
What's your point?
219
00:10:45,462 --> 00:10:47,385
Ah, come on, Frank!
220
00:10:47,386 --> 00:10:48,626
You're a tyke, a cheeky chappy,
221
00:10:48,651 --> 00:10:53,385
but there is no way that you would
actually put our lives at risk.
222
00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:56,458
Checkmate, my friend.
Check-bloody-mate.
223
00:10:59,414 --> 00:11:01,446
Stop right now! Argh!
224
00:11:07,462 --> 00:11:09,442
Oh, Frank, please!
225
00:11:11,482 --> 00:11:15,449
You know the only thing that could
possibly make this day any better?
226
00:11:15,450 --> 00:11:17,385
Pub! McDonald's.
227
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:18,449
I meant the pub.
228
00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:20,429
No, Frank, take us back.
229
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:22,830
Oh, just shut up and put this on,
in case we get pulled over,
230
00:11:22,855 --> 00:11:24,385
you dipshit.
231
00:11:24,386 --> 00:11:27,421
Sir, why don't you text Miss
Gulliver pretending to be Richard?
232
00:11:27,422 --> 00:11:29,453
One immediate problem with
that plan, Stephen -
233
00:11:29,454 --> 00:11:32,437
what if my natural wit and charm
make her fall in love with him?
234
00:11:32,438 --> 00:11:35,417
I really wouldn't worry about that.
I guess you're right, Jing.
235
00:11:35,418 --> 00:11:40,421
If I try really hard, I can probably transform myself
into a desperate, repulsive little man.
236
00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:41,469
And as if by magic...
237
00:11:41,470 --> 00:11:44,445
Keep it simple, sir. Start with
a straightforward question.
238
00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:47,430
Mm. Did you have a nice
time last night?
239
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:56,386
"Did you have a nice time
last night?" Mm.
240
00:12:02,402 --> 00:12:05,389
"It was smashing."
241
00:12:05,390 --> 00:12:06,445
How many kisses? Four.
242
00:12:06,446 --> 00:12:08,457
Ooh! And it's all in capitals.
243
00:12:08,458 --> 00:12:10,393
That's not good.
244
00:12:10,394 --> 00:12:13,393
Maybe she was being sarcastic -
it's hard to tell by text.
245
00:12:13,394 --> 00:12:14,429
Make her show her hand.
246
00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:15,470
Try something subtle like,
247
00:12:15,495 --> 00:12:17,457
"Apologies for the state of
my balls."
248
00:12:17,458 --> 00:12:21,438
Hardly subtle, Cleo. Hmm.
No, I've got it.
249
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,433
"Last night I feel like we
really connected."
250
00:12:27,434 --> 00:12:30,434
Play it cool, Martin,
you silver-tongued devil.
251
00:12:35,402 --> 00:12:36,522
"The rumpy-pumpy was tiptop.
252
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:39,465
"Fancy playing another
hand of jiggery-pokery tonight?"
253
00:12:39,466 --> 00:12:41,465
Oh, my God, she lied to me.
254
00:12:41,466 --> 00:12:43,437
I'm so sorry, Alfie.
255
00:12:43,438 --> 00:12:47,385
Maybe we should stop off somewhere
and get you a glass of water.
256
00:12:47,386 --> 00:12:48,390
Or a McFlurry.
257
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:03,409
Why don't you text back some really
messed-up shit, sir?
258
00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:07,429
Yeah, I can put Rosie off by texting
her all the disgusting things
259
00:13:07,430 --> 00:13:09,397
Richard wants to do in the bedroom.
260
00:13:09,398 --> 00:13:11,405
Sounds like they've already
done most of them.
261
00:13:11,406 --> 00:13:13,477
Trust me, Rosie was nearly
physically sick when...
262
00:13:13,478 --> 00:13:16,430
another boyfriend asked her
to do this.
263
00:13:18,482 --> 00:13:21,397
Oh, God in heaven!
With a squash ball!
264
00:13:21,398 --> 00:13:24,446
Well, where would you...?
Oh, that sounds good!
265
00:13:26,474 --> 00:13:31,438
"Tonight, I'm going to ride
your hot derriere all the way down to Pound Town."
266
00:13:32,474 --> 00:13:35,385
Mate, your missus is dirt!
267
00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:38,417
She's not my missus any more.
I can't believe this!
268
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,469
Come on, let's go.
269
00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:40,473
Pub?
270
00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:41,478
Pub.
271
00:13:44,410 --> 00:13:45,438
In for a penny.
272
00:13:49,402 --> 00:13:50,429
Thank God you made it.
273
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:53,409
Quick, I saw him collapse -
he can't breathe.
274
00:13:53,410 --> 00:13:54,445
No, no. Drive! Drive!
275
00:13:54,446 --> 00:13:57,409
God, that was quick.
We only called you five minutes ago.
276
00:13:57,410 --> 00:13:59,461
Come on! Um, the thing is,
it's just that we...
277
00:13:59,462 --> 00:14:01,477
He's dying! Please help, please!
278
00:14:01,478 --> 00:14:04,445
OK, right. Er, coming, yep, yep.
279
00:14:04,446 --> 00:14:06,413
I can do this. Stay here.
280
00:14:06,414 --> 00:14:08,425
Alfie. Alfie! Alfie!
281
00:14:08,426 --> 00:14:10,390
This is too good to miss!
282
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:15,470
Coming through!
Definitely a paramedic.
283
00:14:17,402 --> 00:14:18,642
Oh, shit, he doesn't look good.
284
00:14:18,643 --> 00:14:19,763
Well, what's wrong with him?
285
00:14:19,788 --> 00:14:22,449
Maybe it's a practical joke.
Is he much of a joker?
286
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:25,393
Never met him before.
He just collapsed.
287
00:14:25,394 --> 00:14:26,413
Do something!
288
00:14:26,414 --> 00:14:28,405
Think he's trying to say something.
289
00:14:28,406 --> 00:14:30,449
Pen. Er, Ben? Your name is Ben?
290
00:14:30,450 --> 00:14:31,469
Pen! Pen!
291
00:14:31,470 --> 00:14:33,441
Hello, Ben, I'm Alfie.
292
00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:35,453
We need to get you
into the recovery position.
293
00:14:35,454 --> 00:14:37,449
Pen! Yeah, I got that.
294
00:14:37,450 --> 00:14:39,449
I think he's actually saying "pen".
295
00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:41,409
Pen? That's a weird name.
296
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,445
Better do something, mate -
he can't breathe.
297
00:14:43,446 --> 00:14:44,481
A pen.
298
00:14:44,482 --> 00:14:46,481
Pen! Yes, of course.
299
00:14:46,482 --> 00:14:49,449
H-He's choking - there's something
blocking his windpipe.
300
00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,405
He can't breathe. So?
301
00:14:51,406 --> 00:14:53,437
I need to perform an emergency
tracheotomy, er,
302
00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:55,441
use a biro to create an airway.
303
00:14:55,442 --> 00:14:57,421
Really? Are you sure about that?
304
00:14:57,422 --> 00:15:00,425
Yes, 100%, I saw it on
Grey's Anatomy, or Animal Hospital.
305
00:15:00,426 --> 00:15:03,401
Either way, the llama survived.
I-I need a pen.
306
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:04,465
Quickly. Yeah, OK. Right.
307
00:15:04,466 --> 00:15:07,453
It's very simple -
you just take out the inky bit,
308
00:15:07,454 --> 00:15:10,433
find the Adam's apple...
Just, just restrain him for me.
309
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:11,453
Oh, I can't watch.
310
00:15:11,454 --> 00:15:14,417
OK. Ben, stay very calm.
This may sting a little bit.
311
00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:15,469
Three, two...
312
00:15:15,470 --> 00:15:17,394
Sir?
313
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,385
Do you, er,
think he meant his EpiPen?
314
00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:21,474
I found it in his bag.
315
00:15:24,398 --> 00:15:25,478
Ooh! Bad thing.
316
00:15:29,446 --> 00:15:32,402
Oh, God, we're going to be in
so much trouble.
317
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,421
Do you know what I do
in times of great stress?
318
00:15:37,422 --> 00:15:39,430
If you say McDonald's,
I may hit you.
319
00:15:43,478 --> 00:15:44,481
OMG, is that...?
320
00:15:44,482 --> 00:15:46,469
The caretaker! What the hell?
321
00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:48,405
But he's paralysed.
322
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,390
Where's his wheelchair?
323
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:53,425
I knew it!
324
00:15:53,426 --> 00:15:56,406
Well, the important thing
is that everyone's OK.
325
00:15:59,386 --> 00:16:01,457
If you've got any questions
about the procedure, er,
326
00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:03,437
feel free to give me a call.
327
00:16:03,438 --> 00:16:06,390
I'll, er, write down my number.
Has anyone got a pe...
328
00:16:08,454 --> 00:16:09,458
Inappropriate.
329
00:16:12,402 --> 00:16:17,433
Oh, that will be the back-up
ambulance that they send
330
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:18,481
just in case.
331
00:16:18,482 --> 00:16:21,438
We should probably go fill them in.
332
00:16:24,430 --> 00:16:25,470
Keep moving. Keep moving.
333
00:16:30,398 --> 00:16:31,878
Right, come on,
let's get out of here.
334
00:16:31,903 --> 00:16:34,429
Sir, you're never going to believe
who we just saw -
335
00:16:34,430 --> 00:16:35,550
only your little friend Pod!
336
00:16:35,575 --> 00:16:37,417
And he wasn't in his wheelchair.
337
00:16:37,418 --> 00:16:38,425
Don't be ridiculous.
338
00:16:38,426 --> 00:16:40,433
They're telling the truth.
You've been fooled!
339
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,442
Er, sir, we might want to get
moving.
340
00:16:44,418 --> 00:16:46,397
Right, come on, let's go.
Back to school.
341
00:16:46,398 --> 00:16:47,481
But first,
we've got to clean this thing up.
342
00:16:47,482 --> 00:16:49,449
No-one can know that we did this.
343
00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:51,417
Don't worry.
344
00:16:51,418 --> 00:16:54,422
There's a tried and tested
industry secret for that.
345
00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:59,406
This isn't quite what I had in mind.
346
00:17:05,386 --> 00:17:06,409
Anyone got a light?
347
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,449
Right, after this,
it's straight back to school.
348
00:17:08,450 --> 00:17:10,437
I've got a liar to expose.
349
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:11,465
Pod!
350
00:17:11,466 --> 00:17:13,390
No, Miss Gulliver.
351
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,454
Come on, Jing. Like you've never
torched an ambulance before.
352
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:34,425
Right, think we're done here.
353
00:17:34,426 --> 00:17:35,482
Let's go find a bus stop.
354
00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:42,462
..my worst nightmare.
355
00:17:44,390 --> 00:17:45,397
Alfie, have you seen...
356
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,758
No, haven't seen it all day -
where did you leave it parked?
357
00:17:47,783 --> 00:17:50,445
..Martin?
He needs the key to the cashbox.
358
00:17:50,446 --> 00:17:54,393
Oh, shit, sorry.
Yeah, OK, I'll give it to him.
359
00:17:54,394 --> 00:17:56,754
That's a promise. You, you do know
what promises are, right?
360
00:17:56,779 --> 00:17:59,441
Wait - how did you know that
Richard's ambulance is missing?
361
00:17:59,442 --> 00:18:01,421
You have no right to question me.
362
00:18:01,422 --> 00:18:03,421
No, seriously, how did you know?
363
00:18:03,422 --> 00:18:05,445
Um, well, er...
364
00:18:05,446 --> 00:18:08,445
There was a bear.
Oh, that ambulance. We torched it.
365
00:18:08,446 --> 00:18:10,401
Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.
366
00:18:10,402 --> 00:18:12,922
Anyway, Pod is inbound and the
Watford Guardian are coming down,
367
00:18:12,947 --> 00:18:15,429
so I better go and lay out
some coffee and bisc-uars.
368
00:18:15,430 --> 00:18:18,445
Oh, he likes his coffee milky and
a little custard cream on the side.
369
00:18:18,446 --> 00:18:20,425
You may have to dunk
it a few times
370
00:18:20,426 --> 00:18:22,430
cos he finds chewing quite painful
on his back.
371
00:18:23,466 --> 00:18:25,465
How are you finding your new class,
Frank?
372
00:18:25,466 --> 00:18:27,473
Did you have a good day
with Mr Wickers?
373
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:31,409
Mr Wickers has literally
saved my life.
374
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:33,409
Is that a tiny exaggeration?
375
00:18:33,410 --> 00:18:36,429
I was trapped in
a self-destructive cycle until
376
00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:39,433
Mr Wickers, well,
he, he showed me the light.
377
00:18:39,434 --> 00:18:41,469
Yeah, I've redeemed young Francis,
378
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:48,425
much like Christ redeemed
the wayward... pirates of Bethlehem.
379
00:18:48,426 --> 00:18:51,433
So, so much for Richard's bullshit.
380
00:18:51,434 --> 00:18:56,426
All I needed to change my ways
is my new best mate, Alfie.
381
00:18:58,386 --> 00:18:59,477
Oh, wow!
382
00:18:59,478 --> 00:19:00,482
OK.
383
00:19:04,466 --> 00:19:07,441
They can't give that money to
a fraud. We need to say something.
384
00:19:07,442 --> 00:19:09,389
He's not a fraud!
385
00:19:09,390 --> 00:19:12,473
And anyway, what are you going to
say - that we saw a paralysed man
386
00:19:12,474 --> 00:19:15,445
walking around whilst we were
joyriding a stolen ambulance?
387
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,477
But sir!
Just drop it! I need to find my dad.
388
00:19:18,478 --> 00:19:20,402
Come on!
389
00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:27,453
Dad? Dad?
390
00:19:27,454 --> 00:19:31,397
Hey. I've got you
the key for that moneybox.
391
00:19:31,398 --> 00:19:34,389
Sorry dude, couldn't hear ya.
Radio 4.
392
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:35,453
Getting my Toksvig on.
393
00:19:35,454 --> 00:19:37,385
Good news, Smoocher.
394
00:19:37,386 --> 00:19:39,453
You kept the receipts to this
ridiculous outfit?
395
00:19:39,454 --> 00:19:41,473
You're talking about this,
old friend?
396
00:19:41,474 --> 00:19:43,389
We can start with that.
397
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,405
100% real pleather.
398
00:19:45,406 --> 00:19:49,409
All the advantages of leather, plus
it folds up into this handy pouch.
399
00:19:49,410 --> 00:19:50,481
Pretty snazzy, eh?
400
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,397
Wow!
401
00:19:52,398 --> 00:19:55,417
I presume we have your new girlfriend
to blame for this abomination.
402
00:19:55,418 --> 00:19:59,429
Whoa! Do not use the G word.
We're just cuddle buddies.
403
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,405
Hump chums, no strings.
404
00:20:01,406 --> 00:20:04,385
Well, one string
with beads attached.
405
00:20:04,386 --> 00:20:06,667
It's actually rather more
comfortable than it looks. Stop!
406
00:20:06,692 --> 00:20:08,461
I'm just sowing my wild oats.
407
00:20:08,462 --> 00:20:12,397
Your wild oats turned to porridge
in 1978.
408
00:20:12,398 --> 00:20:17,385
And we've been sexting. The saucy
wench took my digital cherry.
409
00:20:17,386 --> 00:20:18,626
I want you to meet her tonight.
410
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:21,401
After what you just said? No way.
411
00:20:21,402 --> 00:20:25,461
Well, I can't move in with her until
I've got your stamp of approval,
412
00:20:25,462 --> 00:20:28,397
so it looks like
I'm bunking at yours.
413
00:20:28,398 --> 00:20:30,421
Actually, changed my mind.
She sounds great.
414
00:20:30,422 --> 00:20:33,394
The sexting, the beads,
I think she's the one.
415
00:20:34,438 --> 00:20:36,449
Dinner at eight, then. Oh.
416
00:20:36,450 --> 00:20:39,413
Ooh, there's one thing
I forgot to tell you about
417
00:20:39,414 --> 00:20:41,421
my new portion of heiny.
418
00:20:41,422 --> 00:20:46,417
Where the hell is that key?
Oh, my God. Grayson!
419
00:20:46,418 --> 00:20:47,430
Sorry, Dad.
420
00:20:54,434 --> 00:20:57,469
Frank! You lied to me.
You haven't changed.
421
00:20:57,470 --> 00:20:59,389
That hug meant nothing.
422
00:20:59,390 --> 00:21:00,670
Ah, don't cry about it, Downton.
423
00:21:00,695 --> 00:21:03,445
Right, if you don't give me that
cashbox right now I'm going to...
424
00:21:03,446 --> 00:21:07,445
You'll what? You touch me and I'll
tell everyone you're a paedo.
425
00:21:07,446 --> 00:21:12,430
Oh, Frank, you've been held back
so many years I doubt you're even underage. Now, give me that cashbox.
426
00:21:14,414 --> 00:21:15,466
What the hell is going on?
427
00:21:24,394 --> 00:21:26,386
I'm sorry,
I don't know what's keeping them.
428
00:21:33,466 --> 00:21:35,445
I can't believe that you did this.
429
00:21:35,446 --> 00:21:37,445
No, Alfie,
you mustn't blame yourself.
430
00:21:37,446 --> 00:21:39,486
You couldn't reform Frank,
you're out of your depth.
431
00:21:39,511 --> 00:21:44,397
Whoa! Sorry, you think Frank was
trying to steal this money?
432
00:21:44,398 --> 00:21:47,397
After all those things he said
about me basically being Jesus.
433
00:21:47,398 --> 00:21:50,417
He lied to you, Alfie,
he lied to everyone.
434
00:21:50,418 --> 00:21:53,389
There's only one liar in this room,
and it's not Frank.
435
00:21:53,390 --> 00:21:55,110
Well, then why was the door
crowbarred open?
436
00:21:55,135 --> 00:22:00,437
Because he was so bloody desperate
to give that money to poor old Pod.
437
00:22:00,438 --> 00:22:03,421
Alfie, lying on Frank's behalf
can make you an accomplice.
438
00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:06,433
Oh, so what, you think I'm just going
to sell my pal Frank down the river?
439
00:22:06,434 --> 00:22:10,453
Haven't you heard of honour
amongst... non-thieves?
440
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:13,465
I would have to be the most
disloyal, cowardly, treacherous...
441
00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:15,425
You could go to prison.
Frank did it.
442
00:22:15,426 --> 00:22:17,405
You're dead, you rat!
443
00:22:17,406 --> 00:22:18,434
Martin?
444
00:22:20,398 --> 00:22:22,413
Oh, the reception's a bit
patchy in here.
445
00:22:22,414 --> 00:22:25,385
So you're going to hold it half a
foot closer to the satellite?
446
00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:26,786
Oh, you're right, I'm being stupid.
447
00:22:31,390 --> 00:22:33,421
OK, well, you stay here
and look after Frank.
448
00:22:33,422 --> 00:22:36,702
We're going to have to deal with this after
the presentation, which we're late for.
449
00:22:36,727 --> 00:22:39,647
I just hope Fraser's
entertaining them.
450
00:23:01,446 --> 00:23:03,393
Sorry we're late.
451
00:23:03,394 --> 00:23:04,418
Shall we get started?
452
00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:06,457
Did somebody die?
453
00:23:06,458 --> 00:23:07,477
You could say that.
454
00:23:07,478 --> 00:23:13,397
OK. So, we're gathered here today to
honour a very special man - Pod.
455
00:23:13,398 --> 00:23:16,425
Thanks to the money that we,
as a school, have raised,
456
00:23:16,426 --> 00:23:18,469
Pod is going to be able to travel
to Las Vegas
457
00:23:18,470 --> 00:23:21,433
Stop! You can't go on with this.
458
00:23:21,434 --> 00:23:23,453
Right, this isn't Runaway Bride.
459
00:23:23,454 --> 00:23:25,397
Pod's a fraud.
460
00:23:25,398 --> 00:23:27,469
We've been over this, Stephen.
He's not a fraud.
461
00:23:27,470 --> 00:23:31,425
We saw him walking near the shopping
centre this afternoon. On my life.
462
00:23:31,426 --> 00:23:34,421
But that's on the other side
of town - why were you there?
463
00:23:34,422 --> 00:23:38,393
Um... You know the way they found
Richard III in a car park?
464
00:23:38,394 --> 00:23:42,477
Well, I had seen a speed bump that
looked incredibly like Henry VIII.
465
00:23:42,478 --> 00:23:45,469
We stole an ambulance
and went for a joyride.
466
00:23:45,470 --> 00:23:46,481
Thanks, Joe.
467
00:23:46,482 --> 00:23:49,413
You what? Alfie, you lied to me.
468
00:23:49,414 --> 00:23:51,433
Yeah, well,
you're hardly one to talk.
469
00:23:51,434 --> 00:23:53,397
Why do you keep saying that?
470
00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:57,397
Er, sort your drams out later. I
wore a chugger bib for this monster.
471
00:23:57,398 --> 00:23:58,598
You hold your tongue, Stephen!
472
00:23:58,623 --> 00:24:00,441
For the hundredth time,
473
00:24:00,442 --> 00:24:04,389
because of me Pod is
paralysed from the waist down.
474
00:24:04,390 --> 00:24:07,469
And for the millionth time,
no, he's not! He's a fake!
475
00:24:07,470 --> 00:24:10,385
Oh, he's faking it, is he, Jing?
476
00:24:10,386 --> 00:24:12,449
Well, how come, if he's faking it,
when I do this,
477
00:24:12,450 --> 00:24:14,469
he doesn't feel a thing?
478
00:24:14,470 --> 00:24:19,429
I'll tell you why -
because he is paralysed.
479
00:24:19,430 --> 00:24:21,449
He winced! He didn't wince.
480
00:24:21,450 --> 00:24:24,385
Yes, he did. You lying little bitch!
481
00:24:24,386 --> 00:24:26,461
How dare you call Pod a bitch?!
482
00:24:26,462 --> 00:24:27,482
Ah, for God's sake!
483
00:24:29,438 --> 00:24:30,482
Argh!
484
00:24:32,414 --> 00:24:33,442
Stop it! Stop it!
485
00:24:35,414 --> 00:24:37,442
Pod! How could you?
486
00:24:38,442 --> 00:24:41,410
Where there's blame,
there's a claim?
487
00:24:42,438 --> 00:24:44,390
I wiped your bottom!
488
00:24:50,434 --> 00:24:52,478
That's the puppy. Send!
489
00:24:53,482 --> 00:24:57,397
Can't believe that you would steal
Richard's ambulance!
490
00:24:57,398 --> 00:25:00,389
Yeah, well, at least
I didn't lie about it. Much.
491
00:25:00,390 --> 00:25:01,409
What's your problem?
492
00:25:01,410 --> 00:25:03,650
My problem is that you have been
texting Richard all day.
493
00:25:03,675 --> 00:25:05,473
What are you talking about?
494
00:25:05,474 --> 00:25:08,465
"I'm going to ride your hot derriere
all the way to Pound Town."
495
00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:10,393
Oh, God!
496
00:25:10,394 --> 00:25:12,389
Ring any bells?
You're shagging Richard.
497
00:25:12,390 --> 00:25:15,386
I know it, you know it,
so don't embarrass yourself.
498
00:25:16,446 --> 00:25:18,413
That sounds like Richard's phone.
499
00:25:18,414 --> 00:25:20,441
Er, no, it's not. I love opera music.
500
00:25:20,442 --> 00:25:24,429
That's Paul Potts singing
the Pink Flute,
501
00:25:24,430 --> 00:25:26,429
by... Mario Balotelli.
502
00:25:26,430 --> 00:25:28,389
Let me see that phone.
503
00:25:28,390 --> 00:25:32,421
Fine! Yeah, you can,
then everyone'll know the truth.
504
00:25:32,422 --> 00:25:33,437
Read it and weep.
505
00:25:33,438 --> 00:25:35,389
Oh, please don't!
506
00:25:35,390 --> 00:25:37,473
Oh, God! The ivory trade sickens me.
507
00:25:37,474 --> 00:25:40,438
Look, they've hacked off half
its trunk. It's disgusting.
508
00:25:42,390 --> 00:25:43,413
That's not an elephant.
509
00:25:43,414 --> 00:25:44,494
Oh, God, Frank, don't look.
510
00:25:44,519 --> 00:25:46,461
I recognise those from somewhere.
511
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:48,401
Boarding school?
512
00:25:48,402 --> 00:25:51,453
Oh, my God! Oh, it's a rank old...
513
00:25:51,454 --> 00:25:54,429
Is it that bad? I thought
it was rather distinguished.
514
00:25:54,430 --> 00:25:57,425
You can't deny that's not your
number. We've been texting all day.
515
00:25:57,426 --> 00:26:00,481
Yes, it's my number,
but I lost my phone this morning.
516
00:26:00,482 --> 00:26:03,429
Then who's the pervert that's
been sending me
517
00:26:03,430 --> 00:26:05,445
these disgusting text messages?
518
00:26:05,446 --> 00:26:07,442
Just call the number, you spanner.
519
00:26:14,426 --> 00:26:15,469
Oh, for fu...
520
00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:19,413
Dad! Pound Town? Really?
521
00:26:19,414 --> 00:26:21,406
You've been sexting your own dad.
522
00:26:22,482 --> 00:26:24,401
I'm sorry, Rosie.
523
00:26:24,402 --> 00:26:25,425
Mm.
524
00:26:25,426 --> 00:26:28,421
Great news, gang. When I threatened
to call the police,
525
00:26:28,422 --> 00:26:31,433
Pod tried to leg it,
straight into oncoming traffic.
526
00:26:31,434 --> 00:26:33,453
Looks like he will need
that wheelchair after all.
527
00:26:33,454 --> 00:26:36,438
Oh, sweet, it's one of those
bald cats from Japan.
528
00:26:51,386 --> 00:26:52,421
About those sexts...
529
00:26:52,422 --> 00:26:53,426
Just don't.
530
00:26:54,482 --> 00:26:56,465
Listen, er,
531
00:26:56,466 --> 00:26:59,425
there's something I forgot to
mention before they arrive.
532
00:26:59,426 --> 00:27:00,437
They?
533
00:27:00,438 --> 00:27:03,393
The thing is... Hiya, handsome.
534
00:27:03,394 --> 00:27:05,474
Ooh, Catherine. Hello.
535
00:27:10,446 --> 00:27:12,453
Wait - don't I know you?
536
00:27:12,454 --> 00:27:16,461
Well, course you do.
My boy goes to your school.
537
00:27:16,462 --> 00:27:17,482
Catherine...?
538
00:27:20,442 --> 00:27:21,481
Grayson!
539
00:27:21,482 --> 00:27:23,441
Meet your new stepbrother.
540
00:27:23,442 --> 00:27:26,409
Oh, my God!
541
00:27:26,410 --> 00:27:29,441
And good news - I managed to
wrap my lips round a few
542
00:27:29,442 --> 00:27:32,469
high-ranking proverbials
and Frank's not being expelled.
543
00:27:32,470 --> 00:27:35,398
The school run's going to be
so much fun.
544
00:27:41,462 --> 00:27:43,206
Checkmate, mother f...
545
00:27:43,207 --> 00:27:45,168
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
546
00:27:45,218 --> 00:27:49,768
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
43176
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.