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1
00:00:03,932 --> 00:00:05,963
I photographed this text
message on Miss Gulliver's
2
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:08,512
phone so she couldn't delete
it before I confronted her.
3
00:00:08,556 --> 00:00:10,172
It's to some guy called Orlando.
4
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,336
"Can't wait for BDSM tonight.
I love my bondage and my freedom."
5
00:00:13,337 --> 00:00:15,352
What does BDSM even mean?
6
00:00:15,353 --> 00:00:18,324
Bondage domination and
sadomasochism. Shut up, Mitchell!
7
00:00:18,325 --> 00:00:20,344
Trust me
Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.
8
00:00:20,345 --> 00:00:23,292
I'm sure there's a logical
explanation why she's texting
9
00:00:23,293 --> 00:00:24,493
some random guy about bondage.
10
00:00:24,518 --> 00:00:26,293
Why don't you just ask her?
11
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,413
Sit her down and have an
honest conversation with her?
12
00:00:28,438 --> 00:00:30,340
Grow up, mate! Look it up, BDSM.
13
00:00:30,341 --> 00:00:33,365
"My bondage and my freedom,"
I recognise that.
14
00:00:36,273 --> 00:00:37,296
What the hell!
15
00:00:37,297 --> 00:00:40,281
Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting
a lot of strain on that harness.
16
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:44,281
Maybe she thinks I'm a prude.
Have I driven her to this?
17
00:00:44,281 --> 00:00:46,321
Calm down, Sir.
Here's what you need to do.
18
00:00:48,329 --> 00:00:52,273
Alfie, I don't remember
inviting you.
19
00:00:54,289 --> 00:00:58,328
So, before we plunge in,
maybe the newest
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00:00:58,329 --> 00:01:03,297
member of our clandestine cabal
could introduce himself.
21
00:01:04,337 --> 00:01:06,301
We'll be gentle.
22
00:01:07,353 --> 00:01:09,296
Phew!
23
00:01:09,297 --> 00:01:10,360
Hi, I'm Alfie.
24
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:14,340
I am into fetish play, er,
light spanking and threesomes.
25
00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:16,300
If another dude's involved,
26
00:01:16,301 --> 00:01:19,280
then preferably Rosie would be
holding my hand.
27
00:01:19,281 --> 00:01:21,364
I brought a paddle and er,
remember, guys,
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00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:25,285
dorm rules, it's not gay
if there's no eye contact.
29
00:01:28,357 --> 00:01:32,272
Well, this fortnight
we read My Bondage and My Freedom,
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00:01:32,273 --> 00:01:36,364
a heart-wrenching account of slavery
by Frederick Douglass.
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00:01:36,365 --> 00:01:38,340
BDSM?
32
00:01:38,341 --> 00:01:41,277
Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.
33
00:01:43,361 --> 00:01:46,281
I'll go.
34
00:01:47,321 --> 00:01:50,293
Oh, my God!
35
00:01:50,868 --> 00:02:19,578
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
36
00:02:21,345 --> 00:02:26,284
So, it turns out My Bondage
and My Freedom is a book.
37
00:02:26,285 --> 00:02:29,276
By Frederick Douglass!
I knew I recognised it.
38
00:02:29,277 --> 00:02:31,288
In the nick of time!
39
00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:33,348
Now Miss Gulliver's staying
with a friend
40
00:02:33,349 --> 00:02:36,304
and I know it's that
douche bag Orlando.
41
00:02:36,305 --> 00:02:40,272
Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a
bitch ain't going to make it better.
42
00:02:40,273 --> 00:02:42,296
But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?
43
00:02:42,297 --> 00:02:43,348
I'm going to mess him up.
44
00:02:43,349 --> 00:02:45,324
With your spanking paddle?
45
00:02:45,325 --> 00:02:48,360
Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got
some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.
46
00:02:48,361 --> 00:02:51,368
What?
Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?
47
00:02:51,369 --> 00:02:54,312
No.
Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?
48
00:02:54,313 --> 00:02:56,308
I'm leaving cos my dad's
fairground's been
49
00:02:56,309 --> 00:02:57,348
shut down by the council.
50
00:02:57,349 --> 00:02:59,288
TBH, your fair is a bit shit.
51
00:02:59,289 --> 00:03:01,292
None of your dad's air rifles
shoot straight.
52
00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:02,613
Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.
53
00:03:02,638 --> 00:03:04,348
Going to pretend I didn't hear that.
54
00:03:04,349 --> 00:03:07,288
You could still come to school.
Not that I give a shit.
55
00:03:07,289 --> 00:03:09,288
What if Abbey Grove became
a boarding school,
56
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,409
you could stay in a dormitory like
I did at my school?
57
00:03:11,434 --> 00:03:14,462
Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not
be gangbanged by the quidditch team.
58
00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,320
This is bullshit! There must be
a way of keeping you here.
59
00:03:18,321 --> 00:03:22,292
Fraser, we need to turn
the playground into a paddock.
60
00:03:22,293 --> 00:03:24,348
Well, we do need dollar,
dollar is what we need.
61
00:03:24,349 --> 00:03:26,368
But fear not,
I have a new initiative.
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00:03:26,369 --> 00:03:28,336
I'm renting out rooms after school.
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00:03:28,337 --> 00:03:31,288
The library is being
used by Miss Gulliver's book group.
64
00:03:31,289 --> 00:03:34,288
Oh. I told her it might be double
booked, but she-cracked the whip.
65
00:03:34,289 --> 00:03:37,308
"Wpssh"! Please stop.
The safe word's, "Banter."
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00:03:37,309 --> 00:03:39,329
Banter. Consider me gagged and bound.
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00:03:41,321 --> 00:03:45,300
A Mr Hitchell Marper is
renting out the school
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00:03:45,301 --> 00:03:47,344
hall for a retirement party. Right.
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00:03:47,345 --> 00:03:50,300
And I bagsied
the gym for my larping crew.
70
00:03:50,301 --> 00:03:52,328
Larping? Live action role play.
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00:03:52,329 --> 00:03:55,316
Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers
72
00:03:55,317 --> 00:03:59,300
and legends doing battle dressed
as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.
73
00:03:59,301 --> 00:04:01,336
Legends? Shaggers?
74
00:04:01,337 --> 00:04:03,300
Do you want in?
75
00:04:03,301 --> 00:04:05,280
I think I'll give it a miss.
76
00:04:05,281 --> 00:04:07,361
Larping came in on my bucket list
just below drinking
77
00:04:07,386 --> 00:04:09,360
a gallon of urine or
dying of leprosy.
78
00:04:09,361 --> 00:04:12,280
But I've told the lads
all about you,
79
00:04:12,281 --> 00:04:14,288
they're desperate to
meet my best friend.
80
00:04:14,289 --> 00:04:15,352
Er, best friend?
81
00:04:15,353 --> 00:04:17,348
OK.
82
00:04:17,349 --> 00:04:21,280
You know all that paperwork
winging its way down from Tory HQ?
83
00:04:21,281 --> 00:04:24,316
The 25-page document I need to
complete on making the kids'
84
00:04:24,317 --> 00:04:26,353
handwriting look more British?
85
00:04:29,313 --> 00:04:31,364
I will make that form
and all the others disappear
86
00:04:31,365 --> 00:04:33,332
if you get your larp on.
87
00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:35,304
Why are you whispering?
88
00:04:35,305 --> 00:04:37,333
I think Gove had the room bugged.
89
00:04:39,361 --> 00:04:41,349
Sneaky!
90
00:04:44,305 --> 00:04:45,425
Love in the Time of Cholera.
91
00:04:45,450 --> 00:04:48,308
Sounds like our mini
break in Morocco.
92
00:04:48,309 --> 00:04:51,364
One mouthful of shower water,
then boom! Remember?
93
00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,348
Fondly.
94
00:04:53,349 --> 00:04:55,321
Can we talk?
95
00:04:57,277 --> 00:04:59,324
I've got to read this.
For your "book club"?
96
00:04:59,325 --> 00:05:01,368
Ugh, don't do inverted commas,
it IS a book club.
97
00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,336
Why is it being held in the library?
98
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:06,336
Because I wanted to support
Fraser's new scheme.
99
00:05:06,337 --> 00:05:08,356
And I didn't want to
have it at ours.
100
00:05:08,357 --> 00:05:10,356
What, because you're ashamed of me?
101
00:05:10,357 --> 00:05:14,300
Look, I don't normally care what
people think about us, but I
102
00:05:14,301 --> 00:05:17,280
just had to convince my ex-boyfriend
I'm not going out with a gimp.
103
00:05:17,281 --> 00:05:21,320
Orlando! "Ooh, look at me,
I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."
104
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:25,276
He's a doctor. He's a dick!
And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...
105
00:05:25,277 --> 00:05:26,517
What kind of a name is Orlando?
106
00:05:26,542 --> 00:05:30,312
I mean, where was he conceived,
the log flume at Disneyworld?
107
00:05:30,313 --> 00:05:32,332
He was named after
a book by Virginia Woolf.
108
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,356
'Course he was. Don't be intimidated.
109
00:05:34,357 --> 00:05:37,296
Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?
110
00:05:37,297 --> 00:05:39,328
Sorry, I can't work out
if you're joking.
111
00:05:39,329 --> 00:05:43,368
I am joking. Look, please,
please give me a second chance.
112
00:05:43,369 --> 00:05:45,328
I'll come to the book group tonight.
113
00:05:45,329 --> 00:05:47,356
But you hate reading
and it's in six hours,
114
00:05:47,357 --> 00:05:50,272
it took you a year to finish
Charlotte's Web.
115
00:05:50,273 --> 00:05:52,336
Oh, you watch me,
I am going to prove that I am
116
00:05:52,337 --> 00:05:56,369
just as good as any of those smug,
judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...
117
00:05:58,329 --> 00:06:00,317
..who are your good friends.
118
00:06:05,317 --> 00:06:08,364
Right, change of plan -
I won't be teaching you today.
119
00:06:08,365 --> 00:06:12,284
You guys can get on with these
personal statements whilst
120
00:06:12,285 --> 00:06:14,308
I speed-read this dumb book.
121
00:06:14,309 --> 00:06:17,280
Love in the Time of Cholera,
is it like Slumdog?
122
00:06:17,281 --> 00:06:19,284
No, it's South American, I think.
123
00:06:19,285 --> 00:06:20,445
Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?
124
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:24,344
I hope so, cos thus far this book has
been about as dry as a camel's fanny.
125
00:06:24,345 --> 00:06:27,328
"Where do you see
yourself in five years?"
126
00:06:27,329 --> 00:06:29,280
How are we meant to answer that?
127
00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:32,304
Easy - treading the boards,
crunching the numbers, on the dole,
128
00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:34,280
in the clink and...
129
00:06:34,281 --> 00:06:35,320
Up the duff!
130
00:06:35,321 --> 00:06:37,328
No. Working as a qualified
beautician.
131
00:06:37,329 --> 00:06:39,368
Who may or may not be pregnant.
132
00:06:39,369 --> 00:06:41,365
Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.
133
00:06:43,281 --> 00:06:45,320
Just remember, kids,
in five years' time,
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00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:48,360
when you leave university,
there will nothing holding you back.
135
00:06:48,361 --> 00:06:52,288
Except for a mountain of unpayable
lifelong crippling debt.
136
00:06:52,289 --> 00:06:55,368
So be ambitious, children!
Remember, the sky's the limit.
137
00:06:55,369 --> 00:06:57,340
How do you spell celebrity?
138
00:06:57,341 --> 00:06:59,288
Ah, gosh!
139
00:06:59,289 --> 00:07:01,809
Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen?
What scent, cherry or lime?
140
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,308
Whatever.
141
00:07:03,309 --> 00:07:06,313
Oh, oh, it's a mouse!
142
00:07:07,365 --> 00:07:09,364
Somebody kill it.
Somebody get it for me!
143
00:07:09,365 --> 00:07:12,336
Mitchell? Well, it's me last day,
Sir, so I did a few pranks.
144
00:07:12,337 --> 00:07:14,276
Ah, you scamp!
145
00:07:14,277 --> 00:07:15,332
Calm down, Stephen.
146
00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:18,336
Remember, it's more afraid of you
than you are of it.
147
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:20,308
Why do you even have a mouse?
148
00:07:20,309 --> 00:07:22,288
I feed 'em to my snake.
149
00:07:22,289 --> 00:07:24,297
Oh, shit!
150
00:07:26,285 --> 00:07:27,325
It's a snake!
151
00:07:29,289 --> 00:07:32,289
Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of
you than you are of it.
152
00:07:36,337 --> 00:07:38,300
Pizza?
153
00:07:38,301 --> 00:07:41,356
I like this Mitchell prank. He
ordered 200 on the school account.
154
00:07:41,357 --> 00:07:43,336
How far have you got?
155
00:07:43,337 --> 00:07:45,348
Page five!
156
00:07:45,349 --> 00:07:48,272
I'll look like an idiot
tonight at the book group
157
00:07:48,273 --> 00:07:50,284
and Miss Gulliver's going to end up
158
00:07:50,285 --> 00:07:53,328
shagging Orlando
in his... sex library.
159
00:07:53,329 --> 00:07:55,276
Can I help?
160
00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:57,296
I can read a chapter for you,
if you like.
161
00:07:57,297 --> 00:07:59,316
I wish you could, but I'd need, like,
162
00:07:59,317 --> 00:08:01,357
15 yous to read
the whole bloody thing.
163
00:08:03,277 --> 00:08:04,677
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
164
00:08:04,702 --> 00:08:06,348
Yes, I am! Cloning!
165
00:08:06,349 --> 00:08:08,292
Book pool!
166
00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:10,333
Yeah, you're right,
book pool is a much better idea.
167
00:08:10,358 --> 00:08:13,360
Everyone in the class can read one
chapter each. Gather the team!
168
00:08:13,361 --> 00:08:15,308
Where are you going?
169
00:08:15,309 --> 00:08:17,549
To tell the librarian to get her
sweet little 70-year-old
170
00:08:17,574 --> 00:08:20,368
ass down to Waterstones pronto
cos Love in the Time of Cholera
171
00:08:20,369 --> 00:08:23,361
has just been put
on the goddamn syllabus.
172
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:35,352
What you doing tonight?
It's just my leaving party.
173
00:08:35,353 --> 00:08:37,340
Can you come?
174
00:08:37,341 --> 00:08:40,277
I don't know, innit. Maybe.
175
00:08:41,361 --> 00:08:47,321
Look, I just wondered if you
fancied, no, if you had a type...
176
00:08:49,309 --> 00:08:51,308
..of pizza what you go for?
177
00:08:51,309 --> 00:08:54,308
Yeah. Every girl's got their type.
178
00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:56,320
See, I like my pizzas well hot..
179
00:08:56,321 --> 00:08:57,356
Yeah.
180
00:08:57,357 --> 00:08:59,344
..With lots of dough. All right.
181
00:08:59,345 --> 00:09:02,292
Minimum, 12 inches.
182
00:09:02,293 --> 00:09:04,328
Oh. What have their own car
183
00:09:04,329 --> 00:09:07,341
and don't live in a shitty caravan
with their fam... fam.
184
00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:12,365
I don't think Dominos do that one.
185
00:09:18,289 --> 00:09:21,320
What about our personal statements?
186
00:09:21,321 --> 00:09:23,344
Park those,
this is way more important!
187
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:26,340
Right, Jing, you'll take
chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.
188
00:09:26,341 --> 00:09:29,304
Mitchell, chapter four.
Chantelle, chapter five.
189
00:09:29,305 --> 00:09:32,280
And Joe's going to bring it on home
with the anchor leg.
190
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:33,481
Only if you help me out first.
191
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,312
Fine, but I won't lie in court
and I refuse to handle stolen goods.
192
00:09:36,313 --> 00:09:38,433
Cleo's Peng and this party's
the last opportunity I'll
193
00:09:38,458 --> 00:09:41,316
have to pull her, but she thinks I'm
as sexy as a shit in a lift.
194
00:09:41,317 --> 00:09:44,304
With a turn of phrase like that,
I'm amazed she can resist you!
195
00:09:44,305 --> 00:09:45,625
I'll help you, babe! We all will.
196
00:09:45,650 --> 00:09:48,288
I've seen this a million times -
boy wants girl way
197
00:09:48,289 --> 00:09:50,769
out of his league, it's got
Super Sweet 16 written all over it.
198
00:09:50,794 --> 00:09:53,292
Stephen's right, you have to
look your best tonight.
199
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,653
Don't take this wrong,
but does your dad have a court suit?
200
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,360
Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.
What happened? Got found guilty.
201
00:09:58,361 --> 00:10:00,332
Perfect, so he won't be needing it.
202
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:03,304
If you're going for the suit,
you might as well go the whole hog.
203
00:10:03,305 --> 00:10:05,348
As the toilet attendants do say,
no spray, no lay.
204
00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:07,356
Where am I going to find
pepper spray?
205
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,328
What? No! Aftershave.
206
00:10:09,329 --> 00:10:11,569
To stand a chance with Cleo,
this party has to be fierce,
207
00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:14,324
I'm talking hot tub!
Not going to happen. Strippers!
208
00:10:14,325 --> 00:10:16,316
No way! Vodka Luge? It's a school.
209
00:10:16,317 --> 00:10:17,477
Lap dancers. You're obsessed.
210
00:10:17,502 --> 00:10:21,292
You better be there tonight,
Dickers, bring the ball and chain.
211
00:10:21,293 --> 00:10:22,613
And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!
212
00:10:25,337 --> 00:10:29,312
Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing
anything underneath that?
213
00:10:29,313 --> 00:10:31,288
Does talcum powder count?
214
00:10:31,289 --> 00:10:32,324
Definitely not.
215
00:10:32,325 --> 00:10:34,312
Then no,
I am as naked as the day I was
216
00:10:34,313 --> 00:10:36,473
arrested in Bensons for Beds trying
out a double divan.
217
00:10:36,498 --> 00:10:40,272
I sleep nude, I'm not going to make
an ill-informed purchase.
218
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,296
Look, Fraser, about the larping...
219
00:10:42,297 --> 00:10:45,292
The look on my friends' faces
when they found out you're real.
220
00:10:45,293 --> 00:10:47,373
I can't come. I really have to go
to this book group.
221
00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:51,284
But Malcolm and Philip,
they're expecting you. I'm sorry.
222
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,324
Ugh, very well then.
223
00:10:53,325 --> 00:10:56,320
The last of Gove's initiatives.
224
00:10:56,321 --> 00:10:58,352
He wants the pupils to
write with quills.
225
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:01,352
Oh, all those boxes to tick
and look,
226
00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:04,317
a 30-page guide on how to
pluck a goose.
227
00:11:06,321 --> 00:11:08,292
I'll come for five minutes.
228
00:11:08,293 --> 00:11:10,277
Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.
229
00:11:12,277 --> 00:11:13,368
Your bin's there.
230
00:11:13,369 --> 00:11:15,309
It used to be there.
231
00:11:21,361 --> 00:11:26,280
Philip, Malcolm,
meet my best friend.
232
00:11:26,281 --> 00:11:30,325
Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.
233
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:35,284
Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.
234
00:11:35,285 --> 00:11:38,308
I was busy being a fully
functioning member of society.
235
00:11:38,309 --> 00:11:44,316
The hobbit possesses a tongue
forged of fire. You jest nimbly.
236
00:11:44,317 --> 00:11:47,361
If only he'd lavished similar
care on his costume.
237
00:11:49,285 --> 00:11:52,328
Indeed, Philip,
a very sloppy Hobbit.
238
00:11:52,329 --> 00:11:54,280
Right, I mean I am here.
239
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:57,328
I spotted the mistake as soon as
he walked through yon portal.
240
00:11:57,329 --> 00:12:00,296
Pray tell, Philip.
Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.
241
00:12:00,297 --> 00:12:02,332
Are you two like medieval
Chuckle Brothers?
242
00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:06,276
The ears, Sirrah. In real life,
the Halfling does not have a
243
00:12:06,277 --> 00:12:08,300
pointed helix.
244
00:12:08,301 --> 00:12:10,320
Did he just say "in real life"?
245
00:12:10,321 --> 00:12:13,360
It's like Comic-Con all over again.
246
00:12:13,361 --> 00:12:15,304
Mm.
247
00:12:15,305 --> 00:12:18,369
Come brother,
let us high to the mead.
248
00:12:23,361 --> 00:12:27,301
They may be the biggest twats I've
ever met in my entire life.
249
00:12:32,305 --> 00:12:33,385
What happened at Comic-Con?
250
00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:36,364
Oh, nothing much. I bought us
all tickets and we went as Sylvian
251
00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:40,364
elf archers and I stupidly turned up
with a longbow of Lothorian.
252
00:12:40,365 --> 00:12:44,284
They were well within their rights
to send me home, to England.
253
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:46,368
To England? Where was Comic-Con?
254
00:12:46,369 --> 00:12:48,300
San Diego.
255
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,304
Hark!
256
00:12:50,305 --> 00:12:52,352
We must journey to the Dark Mountain
257
00:12:52,353 --> 00:12:56,336
and there do battle with
Lord Gorath's dragon legion.
258
00:12:56,337 --> 00:12:58,341
Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.
259
00:13:02,345 --> 00:13:07,356
Poor Fraser. Abandoned
at the battlefield by his only ally.
260
00:13:07,357 --> 00:13:13,328
I'm coming back and when I do I'm
going to make it rain, bitches!
261
00:13:13,329 --> 00:13:15,369
Hobbits can't cast weather spells.
262
00:13:17,281 --> 00:13:18,345
Dick!
263
00:13:20,337 --> 00:13:23,288
Joe, where the
hell are those summaries?
264
00:13:23,289 --> 00:13:25,348
I needed to be in that book group
five minutes ago.
265
00:13:25,349 --> 00:13:27,285
I'm collecting them right now.
266
00:13:28,321 --> 00:13:31,272
That's your dad's suit? What was he
found guilty of,
267
00:13:31,273 --> 00:13:32,300
crimes against fashion?
268
00:13:32,301 --> 00:13:34,321
Could say that, he robbed
a River Island.
269
00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:37,332
I need to give these to Alfie.
270
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:41,280
Nah, doing a crate escape, mate,
you got to drink your way out.
271
00:13:41,281 --> 00:13:42,349
I can't let him down.
272
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,329
Pass me a beer.
273
00:13:47,329 --> 00:13:49,344
I mean, the plot is so elegant.
274
00:13:49,345 --> 00:13:51,324
Fermina marries the wrong man,
275
00:13:51,325 --> 00:13:56,324
so Florentino has to
wait 50 years to be with her.
276
00:13:56,325 --> 00:14:03,272
Sorry, um, retarde to the
bibliotheque. I bought hummus.
277
00:14:03,273 --> 00:14:05,356
Well, that's better than last
week's offering.
278
00:14:05,357 --> 00:14:07,300
Bit uncalled for.
279
00:14:07,301 --> 00:14:08,461
So, do we all have our books?
280
00:14:08,486 --> 00:14:11,356
I thought I'd take a back-seat to
start with, you know,
281
00:14:11,357 --> 00:14:13,292
just get my bearings.
282
00:14:13,293 --> 00:14:15,356
Yeah, that's a good idea.
Just, just take your time.
283
00:14:15,357 --> 00:14:19,304
Were we all satisfied
by the narrative's denouement?
284
00:14:19,305 --> 00:14:22,336
Well, I thought it was
beautifully bittersweet.
285
00:14:22,337 --> 00:14:24,364
If there's one thing
I know about Rosie,
286
00:14:24,365 --> 00:14:27,297
she abhors a Hollywood ending.
287
00:14:28,361 --> 00:14:30,352
I do!
288
00:14:30,353 --> 00:14:32,316
Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.
289
00:14:32,317 --> 00:14:34,477
Maybe you don't know
Rosie as well as you think you do.
290
00:14:34,502 --> 00:14:36,288
People change, mate.
291
00:14:36,289 --> 00:14:40,312
Or maybe they don't,
as Marquez posits.
292
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:43,284
Would you care to
expand on that hypothesis?
293
00:14:43,285 --> 00:14:48,292
Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.
294
00:14:48,293 --> 00:14:55,356
The author,
old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.
295
00:14:55,357 --> 00:14:59,276
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
296
00:14:59,277 --> 00:15:02,297
Whatever! You say potato,
I say frittata.
297
00:15:04,285 --> 00:15:07,272
You know what, why don't we start
at the beginning of the book
298
00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:09,360
rather than the end,
wouldn't that be more logical?
299
00:15:09,361 --> 00:15:13,284
Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me,
yeah. Wise old dude's with me.
300
00:15:13,285 --> 00:15:15,272
What's that old saying people have?
301
00:15:15,273 --> 00:15:16,593
"Don't judge a book by its cover,
302
00:15:16,618 --> 00:15:21,586
"but do judge a book by the first
seven pages."
303
00:15:35,341 --> 00:15:39,320
No, er, one more thing...
304
00:15:39,321 --> 00:15:43,340
..why aren't more books printed in
Comic Sans?
305
00:15:43,341 --> 00:15:46,356
OK, I think we've covered
the first seven pages of the book
306
00:15:46,357 --> 00:15:48,304
pretty thoroughly.
307
00:15:48,305 --> 00:15:52,280
Why don't we, we move on? Let's
discuss the novel's message.
308
00:15:52,281 --> 00:15:55,356
Ah, well, the text's thematic
paradigm is a simple one.
309
00:15:55,357 --> 00:15:57,292
Love never dies.
310
00:15:57,293 --> 00:15:59,324
Unless it catches cholera, burn!
311
00:15:59,325 --> 00:16:04,288
And two lovers may part, but their
hearts will always beat as one.
312
00:16:04,289 --> 00:16:09,348
Yeah, well, that's weird, because I
read the exact opposite in the text.
313
00:16:09,349 --> 00:16:15,368
I read that, you know, she made
a mistake, so move on, mate.
314
00:16:15,369 --> 00:16:18,320
Well isn't that completely
contradictory?
315
00:16:18,321 --> 00:16:21,332
Literature's subjective, Orlando,
there is no right and wrong.
316
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:24,344
Yeah, thanks old friend.
It's a Catch-24.
317
00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:27,332
Alfie,
you have read the end of the book?
318
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:31,328
Yeah. Yeah, read the end,
and the beginning, and the middle.
319
00:16:31,329 --> 00:16:34,320
So, what specifically did you
think about the end?
320
00:16:34,321 --> 00:16:39,320
Um, well, well, well, well, well,
very good question.
321
00:16:39,321 --> 00:16:44,280
Um, the main guy is called Fernando
and it's a love story,
322
00:16:44,281 --> 00:16:47,332
so do we all think that's why,
on Take Me Out,
323
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:50,284
they called it
the Isle of Fernandos?
324
00:16:50,285 --> 00:16:52,304
He's called Florentino. Shit!
325
00:16:52,305 --> 00:16:54,368
Maybe we should take
a comfort break.
326
00:16:54,369 --> 00:16:57,352
Great idea.
Someone's bladder's not up to it!
327
00:16:57,353 --> 00:17:00,336
I'm going to go and er,
smoke a Gauloises.
328
00:17:00,337 --> 00:17:05,296
Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs,
if you're going to go drop the kids
329
00:17:05,297 --> 00:17:09,340
off at the pool, just remember
that's your arse, that's your elbow.
330
00:17:09,341 --> 00:17:11,348
Alfie, you're on fire.
331
00:17:11,349 --> 00:17:13,272
Thanks, babe!
332
00:17:13,273 --> 00:17:15,316
No, no, you're on fire.
333
00:17:15,317 --> 00:17:17,277
What? Oh, shit!
334
00:17:18,353 --> 00:17:20,361
Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...
335
00:17:26,341 --> 00:17:30,333
Joe, where have you been?
Have you been drinking?
336
00:17:34,273 --> 00:17:36,317
Ah, just give me
the chapter summaries.
337
00:17:38,301 --> 00:17:39,356
Relax, Sir, have a beer.
338
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:42,288
No, I've got to get back to
this book group.
339
00:17:42,289 --> 00:17:46,289
But, Sir, it's my leaving party!
OK, one, but it's got to be quick.
340
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,292
Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.
341
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:55,300
Where's your costume?
342
00:17:55,301 --> 00:17:56,356
Fraser, the book club...
343
00:17:56,357 --> 00:17:59,348
Malcolm and Philip said you'd
bailed on me. I didn't believe them.
344
00:17:59,349 --> 00:18:02,320
I'm not bailing, it's just...
No, don't worry. I understand.
345
00:18:02,321 --> 00:18:05,300
Malcolm and Philip got to you,
I know, they're right,
346
00:18:05,301 --> 00:18:09,285
you're not my friend
and you think I'm a loser, too.
347
00:18:17,309 --> 00:18:19,285
Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!
348
00:18:20,297 --> 00:18:22,324
Yah!
349
00:18:22,325 --> 00:18:24,364
Isn't this amazing?
350
00:18:24,365 --> 00:18:26,336
Yeah, it's all right I suppose.
351
00:18:26,337 --> 00:18:29,340
Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think
he's going to be blinded for life.
352
00:18:29,341 --> 00:18:31,361
You might want to go
easy on the gouging!
353
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:36,281
Whoop, whoop, it's
the bellend patrol!
354
00:18:37,345 --> 00:18:40,320
Whoa, put your phone away,
it's historically inaccurate.
355
00:18:40,321 --> 00:18:43,300
Last month, Phil and Malc caught me
wearing a digital wristwatch.
356
00:18:43,301 --> 00:18:45,324
They quite rightly
punished my blooper by making me
357
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:47,292
sit in a barrel for five hours.
358
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,574
My doctor thinks I'm going to have
back problems for life.
359
00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:52,280
I'm sorry, Fraser, I've
got to get back.
360
00:18:52,281 --> 00:18:55,273
But Alf, I'm outnumbered!
I'm sorry.
361
00:19:07,365 --> 00:19:09,360
My notes, no peeking!
362
00:19:09,361 --> 00:19:13,360
Yes, I thought the plot might prove
too complex for some readers.
363
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:16,276
Complex! A child could read it.
364
00:19:16,277 --> 00:19:18,288
But would a child understand it?
365
00:19:18,289 --> 00:19:19,329
Hopefully.
366
00:19:24,285 --> 00:19:26,308
Go and talk to Cleo.
367
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:29,332
I'm going, I'm going. I just need to
be a bit more drunker.
368
00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:31,344
It's not as much fun
without Mr Wickers.
369
00:19:31,345 --> 00:19:33,296
Hope the book club's going well.
370
00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,276
I think I gave him some good ammo.
371
00:19:35,277 --> 00:19:39,300
Marquez views love
not as a sickness,
372
00:19:39,301 --> 00:19:42,300
but as an ontological phenomenon.
373
00:19:42,301 --> 00:19:47,284
The lovers exist within their own
relationship and,
374
00:19:47,285 --> 00:19:52,328
as we all know, the course of true
love never did run smooth.
375
00:19:52,329 --> 00:19:54,357
Oh! Wow!
376
00:19:56,337 --> 00:19:58,312
That was beautifully put.
377
00:19:58,313 --> 00:20:00,332
Well, that was kind of what
I was saying.
378
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,316
Quote time!
379
00:20:02,317 --> 00:20:05,308
"The only regret I will have in dying
is if it is not for love."
380
00:20:05,309 --> 00:20:07,272
Florentino.
381
00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:09,292
Thank you.
382
00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:11,320
While we're on that theme, er, er,
383
00:20:11,321 --> 00:20:13,360
what did we all
make of Florentino's character?
384
00:20:13,361 --> 00:20:15,280
Well...
385
00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:17,284
I've got this one as well. Ssh!
386
00:20:17,285 --> 00:20:20,272
Well I thought the book was
totes obvious. Really?
387
00:20:20,273 --> 00:20:22,332
Er, hello! Come on, babe,
a tale as old as time.
388
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:27,312
The lead character, Florentino,
is definitely gay.
389
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:31,300
But he's in love with a woman.
390
00:20:31,301 --> 00:20:34,301
So was Ricky Martin.
391
00:20:35,357 --> 00:20:37,288
So what did you make of it?
392
00:20:37,289 --> 00:20:40,308
Well, I didn't have time to read it,
so I just took an educated guess.
393
00:20:40,309 --> 00:20:41,356
You made it up.
394
00:20:41,357 --> 00:20:43,312
He said it was set in South America,
395
00:20:43,313 --> 00:20:45,348
so I just thought two plus
two equals...
396
00:20:45,349 --> 00:20:48,336
A massive pile coke now
covered in the brains
397
00:20:48,337 --> 00:20:54,328
and blood of the cartel boss,
El Cajones Grandes,
398
00:20:54,329 --> 00:20:59,321
who'd just been shot in the back
of the head by Ross Kemp.
399
00:21:01,321 --> 00:21:03,360
Oh, you dick!
400
00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:05,328
What are you guys talking about?
401
00:21:05,329 --> 00:21:07,296
The book report.
402
00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,344
Oh, yeah,
when do you have to hand them in by?
403
00:21:09,345 --> 00:21:11,284
Joe already took them, babes.
404
00:21:11,285 --> 00:21:14,276
What? But they were our personal
statements, weren't they?
405
00:21:14,277 --> 00:21:18,308
Hang on, hang on, let me get this
straight - you think Fermina's
406
00:21:18,309 --> 00:21:20,389
motivation was not to be reunited
with her true love,
407
00:21:20,414 --> 00:21:25,336
but to open a nail salon in Chigwell
and save up for breast implants
408
00:21:25,337 --> 00:21:28,360
and then marry her teacher.
409
00:21:28,361 --> 00:21:31,288
Ye... yeah.
410
00:21:31,289 --> 00:21:32,316
Right.
411
00:21:32,317 --> 00:21:35,345
Well, shall we call it a night? Yes.
412
00:21:39,289 --> 00:21:43,320
Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered
Philip and Malcolm in the gents.
413
00:21:43,321 --> 00:21:45,321
Come and help me slay them.
414
00:21:47,297 --> 00:21:49,340
Thus the trap is set.
415
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:55,364
We shall slay your deformed Hobbit
right here, in the stoolery.
416
00:21:55,365 --> 00:21:59,276
And what shall we do with this one?
417
00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:00,356
Fetch me the barrel.
418
00:22:00,357 --> 00:22:02,313
Huh! Good idea.
419
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:11,276
Right, I'll fetch the barrel.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
420
00:22:11,277 --> 00:22:14,324
If it's any consolation,
I thought your version,
421
00:22:14,325 --> 00:22:18,272
with the strippers and the drug
dealers sounded pretty good.
422
00:22:18,273 --> 00:22:20,296
I've forced
her into the arms of her ex.
423
00:22:20,297 --> 00:22:25,316
Oh, er, listen, Rosie,
she just needs space.
424
00:22:25,317 --> 00:22:29,352
I want you to know that
nothing's happened.
425
00:22:29,353 --> 00:22:33,305
We don't know that, Richard.
426
00:22:34,321 --> 00:22:37,340
Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow
and just talk everything through.
427
00:22:37,341 --> 00:22:41,272
Are you still OK to drive me
home, Richard? Yeah.
428
00:22:41,273 --> 00:22:43,593
Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex
doesn't follow her home.
429
00:22:43,618 --> 00:22:46,368
Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.
430
00:22:46,369 --> 00:22:51,324
What? But he's a little old man.
431
00:22:51,325 --> 00:22:53,328
He was my lecturer at Oxford.
432
00:22:53,329 --> 00:22:55,360
Yeah, we used to walk together
through the woods,
433
00:22:55,361 --> 00:22:58,280
reciting poetry by heart.
434
00:22:58,281 --> 00:23:02,296
"A thing of beauty is a joy for
ever, its loveliness increases,
435
00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:04,340
"It will never pass into
nothingness,
436
00:23:04,341 --> 00:23:08,280
"But still will keep a bower
quiet for us."
437
00:23:08,281 --> 00:23:10,344
Mm. "My friend Billy had
a ten-foot willy
438
00:23:10,345 --> 00:23:13,312
"and showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a snake,
439
00:23:13,313 --> 00:23:16,284
"so she hit it with a rake
and now it's only six-foot-four."
440
00:23:16,285 --> 00:23:18,312
I've got rhymes too,
what of it, Brucey?
441
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:21,320
Alfie, come on. Look, I just need
time. You want time? Mm-hm.
442
00:23:21,321 --> 00:23:23,360
And you're picking
the ticking clock over here?
443
00:23:23,361 --> 00:23:25,312
I'm not picking anything.
444
00:23:25,313 --> 00:23:28,317
I'm just saying that
I need some space to... to think!
445
00:23:33,301 --> 00:23:36,336
The course of true love never
did run smooth.
446
00:23:36,337 --> 00:23:38,333
Fuck off, Orlando.
447
00:23:49,361 --> 00:23:51,361
Right, now I'm ready.
448
00:23:55,349 --> 00:23:58,344
Oi, Cleo, look,
I just wanted to say that, right,
449
00:23:58,345 --> 00:24:02,312
I may not have a car or 12 inches,
450
00:24:02,313 --> 00:24:07,356
I'm probably about an eight minimum.
Wait, no, can I start again?
451
00:24:07,357 --> 00:24:11,281
If I kiss you, will you shut up?
452
00:24:12,313 --> 00:24:13,365
For ever.
453
00:24:19,353 --> 00:24:21,324
Fraser!
454
00:24:21,325 --> 00:24:24,284
BOTH: Yah!
455
00:24:24,285 --> 00:24:30,321
Ah, trusting Hobbit,
prepare to taste orc and steel.
456
00:24:32,293 --> 00:24:34,289
It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!
457
00:24:35,361 --> 00:24:39,285
I send thee to the spirit world.
458
00:24:44,305 --> 00:24:46,289
You're, you're meant to fall down.
459
00:24:53,361 --> 00:24:55,312
Hold your head back.
460
00:24:55,313 --> 00:24:57,312
We're going to report this, Fraser!
461
00:24:57,313 --> 00:24:59,356
Yes, you should report it,
462
00:24:59,357 --> 00:25:04,348
that two frost blood orc warriors
were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.
463
00:25:04,349 --> 00:25:07,349
Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting
to pick us up.
464
00:25:09,285 --> 00:25:11,312
She's staying at her ex's tonight.
465
00:25:11,313 --> 00:25:13,312
Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.
466
00:25:13,313 --> 00:25:15,433
Maybe she just needs some time to
realise why that is.
467
00:25:15,458 --> 00:25:18,296
Right nut sacks, I'm off.
468
00:25:18,297 --> 00:25:19,356
How did it go with Cleo?
469
00:25:19,357 --> 00:25:21,284
Amazing.
470
00:25:21,285 --> 00:25:24,272
She said I was the worst kisser
she's ever had and I got a lob on.
471
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:26,353
TMI. But if I promised not to
brag about on Facebook,
472
00:25:26,378 --> 00:25:28,280
she said she'll go Nandos with me.
473
00:25:28,281 --> 00:25:31,332
Well done, mate,
I'm happy for you. We all are.
474
00:25:31,333 --> 00:25:33,368
Babe, we're going to miss you
so much.
475
00:25:33,369 --> 00:25:35,305
God, I hate goodbyes.
476
00:25:38,337 --> 00:25:42,300
Joe, mate, if I ever said mean
things to ya, it was just banter.
477
00:25:42,301 --> 00:25:45,300
The best thing you can do is grow
up, make loads of bunts,
478
00:25:45,301 --> 00:25:47,381
get a proper fit bird and make me
look like a Muppet.
479
00:25:49,361 --> 00:25:53,328
Dickers, I used to think there were
two types of teachers,
480
00:25:53,329 --> 00:25:55,336
the arseholes and the tragedies.
481
00:25:55,337 --> 00:25:57,280
You're an exception.
482
00:25:57,281 --> 00:25:59,761
If I saw you on the street,
I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,
483
00:25:59,786 --> 00:26:03,348
I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell
you you was a twat to your face.
484
00:26:03,349 --> 00:26:05,328
Thank you, Mitchell.
485
00:26:05,329 --> 00:26:08,368
That's the most beautiful thing
anyone has ever said to me.
486
00:26:08,369 --> 00:26:11,352
I heard that posh people
are emotionally undernourished,
487
00:26:11,353 --> 00:26:13,360
but you are something else.
488
00:26:13,361 --> 00:26:17,324
Rem Dogg, this could be hard
seeing as you don't talk anymore,
489
00:26:17,325 --> 00:26:20,292
and I know you've become
a bit of a weirdo this term,
490
00:26:20,293 --> 00:26:21,653
but you'll always be me best mate.
491
00:26:24,277 --> 00:26:27,348
And when you're out of this phase,
you give me a bell, we'll go to
492
00:26:27,349 --> 00:26:30,345
Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic
wardens, just like old times.
493
00:26:38,349 --> 00:26:40,297
Bye, guys.
494
00:26:48,309 --> 00:26:49,361
Mitchell?
495
00:26:52,301 --> 00:26:53,369
I love you!
496
00:26:57,305 --> 00:26:58,361
Ha-ha, gay!
497
00:27:02,398 --> 00:27:04,410
Oi, oi!
498
00:27:06,362 --> 00:27:08,429
Mr Wickers, we've received some
noise complaints.
499
00:27:08,430 --> 00:27:11,446
One last prank is it, Mitchell?
500
00:27:11,446 --> 00:27:13,453
Have I been a naughty boy, officer?
501
00:27:13,454 --> 00:27:16,426
Are you going to punish me
with your truncheon?
502
00:27:16,427 --> 00:27:17,450
Sir?
503
00:27:17,450 --> 00:27:19,402
Let's get this over and done with.
504
00:27:21,831 --> 00:27:23,826
Strippers don't wear Kevlar!
505
00:27:23,827 --> 00:27:25,831
You have the right to remain silent.
506
00:27:25,856 --> 00:27:27,816
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507
00:27:27,866 --> 00:27:32,416
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