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1
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:10,900
It's summer term, bitches!
2
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:14,900
Rem Dogg, are you in drag?
He's gone emo.
3
00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,900
Oh, God!
4
00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,900
Now, how did the holiday
reading go, guys?
5
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:21,900
What? I gave you Game Of Thrones.
6
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,900
Why would we read a book
and ruin the fiercest TV show ever?
7
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,900
And it's not on
the history syllabus.
8
00:00:26,900 --> 00:00:31,900
Well, it should be. It's basically
the Tudors with dragons and tits.
9
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:32,900
Ooh!
10
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,900
Ying, it would appear that you've
forgotten to do the register.
11
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,900
"Once you enable me,
you negate me." Kierkegaard.
12
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,900
Oh, wait a sec.
13
00:00:40,900 --> 00:00:43,900
Hollow eyes, black polo neck -
14
00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:47,900
I believe Ying is having a little
teenage existential crisis!
15
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,900
You don't understand.
Oh, I do.
16
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:52,900
My friend Atticus Hoy did this
on our leavers' trip to Normandy -
17
00:00:52,900 --> 00:00:53,900
read a book by a Frenchman,
18
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:56,800
ended up head-butting a horse
just for the feeling.
19
00:00:56,899 --> 00:00:57,845
Which book?
20
00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:01,900
Asterix.
21
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,900
Right, enough with
the doom and gloom.
22
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:05,900
Krispy Kremes for one and all.
23
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:09,900
Chantelle, I have prepared
ripostes for cream fillings,
24
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,900
sticky rings and glazed muffin tops.
25
00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:13,900
I'm busy.
26
00:01:13,900 --> 00:01:16,900
Good! Well, that's the spirit.
Exam term, guys.
27
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:22,680
Oh, God! He's in a hat.
Let's get this over with.
28
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:25,900
He's doing a Britney!
29
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:28,900
Are you ill or racist?
30
00:01:28,900 --> 00:01:29,900
I kept getting nits.
31
00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:32,900
Mum said this was the only way.
It's awful.
32
00:01:32,900 --> 00:01:35,900
It's not awful. I prefer it shaved.
33
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,900
I'll take note of that.
I thought you were working.
34
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:40,900
Couldn't resist. It's all right,
babe. Have a doughnut.
35
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,900
I can't. I'm on a vegan diet.
36
00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:46,900
Guys, have you been kidnapped
by puberty?
37
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:49,900
You've all... changed.
38
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,900
W-W-Willy wanker.
39
00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:52,900
Right, my dad's just nicked an iPad
40
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:55,900
so he's chucking out all his
old porn. Who wants what?
41
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,900
Sweet Mitchell.
42
00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:58,900
My rock.
43
00:02:28,900 --> 00:02:30,900
What's this lame-ass meeting about?
44
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:33,900
Fraser wants us
to meet the new deputy head.
45
00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:36,900
Hey, for our flat,
why don't we get a foosball table?
46
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Because we're not a student union.
47
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It'll be romantic.
48
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,900
As an idea, I'm ranking this
alongside the hot tub
49
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:44,900
or that Michael Buble doorbell.
50
00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,900
Fine. We won't buy a foosball table!
51
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,900
I haven't bought a foosball table!
52
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:52,900
Oh, I don't want to be a killjoy,
Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities.
53
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:54,680
The flat is a complete mess.
54
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,900
Talking of a complete mess,
you know my dad?
55
00:02:56,900 --> 00:03:00,684
Yes! You know the way that he
married a witch called Pro Green
56
00:03:00,784 --> 00:03:02,900
who ran off with all of his money
and now he's sleeping in his car?
57
00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,900
How do you feel about him
living with us? No!
58
00:03:04,900 --> 00:03:06,900
I mean... I mean, no.
59
00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:09,900
No, because your dad should
pick himself up
60
00:03:09,900 --> 00:03:11,900
and dust himself down,
61
00:03:11,900 --> 00:03:13,900
definitely change his clothes,
62
00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:16,900
and then find himself a new job.
63
00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,900
A job? My dad?
64
00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:21,750
He spends his days drinking alone
in Wetherspoons
65
00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:23,900
and his nights moving from lay-by to
lay-by trying not to get wanked on.
66
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:27,900
He's a train wreck -
totally unemployable.
67
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,900
Meet our new deputy head.
68
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:31,900
Dad! Fraser, are you mad?
69
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:33,900
Insania. You like the Andre?
70
00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,900
Roomies!
How about movie night tonight?
71
00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:39,900
You, me, Octopussy
and a keg of Bishops Finger.
72
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,900
Did you already tell him
he could live with us?
73
00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,900
Um, no. He's probably been...
74
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:46,900
Alf, what's the US Military motto?
75
00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:47,900
Don't ask, don't tell?
76
00:03:47,900 --> 00:03:50,788
No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s.
77
00:03:50,788 --> 00:03:53,801
It's, "Never leave a man behind," and
Pro Green left this man for dead.
78
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,900
What? No, sorry.
He can't be my boss - he's my dad!
79
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:58,900
In here I'm your colleague,
not your dad.
80
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:01,900
Trust me, Mr Wickers,
our relationship won't affect
81
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:03,900
the work environment one iota.
82
00:04:03,900 --> 00:04:04,900
This is SO cringe!
83
00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:06,900
Smoocher can't handle stress.
84
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:09,900
Hm? One birthday,
at Studham Adventure Playground
85
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:11,900
he lost his nerve on the zip wire.
86
00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:13,900
Wet himself above some picnickers.
87
00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:15,900
Ruined his 18th.
88
00:04:16,900 --> 00:04:17,900
How is this happening?
89
00:04:17,900 --> 00:04:20,900
Thank you, Mr Fraser!
90
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:25,900
And thank you, everyone who's here.
Fornication as magical as today.
91
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,900
Cool, budge up - there's a new
banterlope at the watering hole.
92
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:31,900
This school is in financial
dire straits.
93
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:34,900
It's in need of money for nothing.
94
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,900
Oh! That's good!
95
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,900
What about the fundraiser -
the teachers' auction?
96
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,900
Yeah, I've raised 20 grand.
97
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:42,900
I'm afraid it was poorly invested.
98
00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,900
I may have launched
a clothing range.
99
00:04:49,900 --> 00:04:50,900
Dodgy and Gebanter.
100
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:55,900
We've taken on extra pupils
to secure more funding
101
00:04:55,900 --> 00:04:56,900
but it's not enough.
102
00:04:56,900 --> 00:05:00,900
Regretfully, we're going have to
lose a member of staff.
103
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,900
Everyone is on redundancy review,
104
00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:06,900
from Mr Fraser downwards.
Yes. Sorry, what?
105
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:09,900
The school can't just sack
a member of staff.
106
00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:11,900
I'll handle this, compadre. Rosie...
107
00:05:13,900 --> 00:05:17,900
...er, I'm sure, as a woman,
you were a huge fan of Mrs Thatcher.
108
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:19,900
Oh, God. Martin did everything
he could, Miss G.
109
00:05:19,900 --> 00:05:21,900
I even looked into pawning my car.
110
00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:23,900
Don't sell the car!
111
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:26,900
Then I'm afraid the worst-performing
teacher is for the chop.
112
00:05:26,900 --> 00:05:28,900
You won't get away with this.
113
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We are teachers.
114
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:32,900
United we stand, divided we fall!
115
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Yes! Hear, hear!
Yeah. What she said.
116
00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:39,900
Ooh, just a quick one.
117
00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:42,900
Would the school be able
to by a foosball table off me?
118
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A foosball table?
119
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:46,900
No.
120
00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:55,900
Feel it, Chantelle.
So smooth! Did you Veet it?
121
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:57,900
Love, you can't just pitch up
and dump your shit on me property.
122
00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,900
Gypsy king's changed his tune.
Shut up your noise.
123
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,900
Whoa! Let's just calm down.
124
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:04,900
Sir, she's disrupting the class.
125
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:07,900
Well, that's the pot
calling the kettle bla...
126
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,900
Go on, then, I dare you.
127
00:06:10,900 --> 00:06:11,900
Bl...
128
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:17,900
A similar colour to itself. Huh, oh.
129
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:18,900
And you are?
130
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,900
Cleopatra.
Ooh, Cleopatra, coming atcha.
131
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,900
Fuck off, Burglar Bill!
132
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:26,900
Good, we'll put that one down to
first-day nerves.
133
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:29,900
She's got a tongue on her.
What you say, Little Miss Gel Pen?
134
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,900
Which skip did you find
that weave in? Bitch! Bin dipper!
135
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:32,900
Guys! Please be quiet.
136
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,900
- Don't touch my shit, yeah?
- What are you going to do about it?
137
00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:37,900
OK. Can we just sit down
and be quiet, please?
138
00:06:37,900 --> 00:06:40,900
Touch my shit, I will end you!
Split end you.
139
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,900
Fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight! Guys!
140
00:06:42,900 --> 00:06:47,088
Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!
141
00:06:47,088 --> 00:06:49,900
OK, unless you sit down
and shut up immediately,
142
00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:52,900
I will write down on the board
the name of a character
143
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:54,900
who dies in Game Of Thrones
season five.
144
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,900
Wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I?
145
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:58,900
- Give that back to me!
- Oi, get off!
146
00:06:58,900 --> 00:06:59,900
Right, R...
147
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:00,900
Aargh!
148
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:03,900
Oh, you silly prick!
149
00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:05,900
A... Ah! Oh, my God!
150
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,900
Martin Wickers, stop right there.
151
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,900
What the Charlie Dickens is that?
152
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:18,900
The solution to all our money
problems. Behold the SegDesk.
153
00:07:18,900 --> 00:07:21,900
It's pending patent approval
but trust me -
154
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:22,900
I'm standing on the next Dyson.
155
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:26,900
Wonders never cease. Maybe you
should give up this teaching lark
156
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:28,900
and become a full-time
bona-fide inventor.
157
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,900
You know what? Maybe I sh...
158
00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:34,900
Hang on, I know what you're trying
to do you, sly old shit.
159
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:36,900
Guilty as charged, m'lud.
160
00:07:36,900 --> 00:07:40,900
Anyway, sadly there's only one very
obvious candidate for redundancy.
161
00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,900
And he came from in your balls!
162
00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,900
He gosh-darn did.
163
00:07:45,843 --> 00:07:48,900
Yep, the school governors want me
to saddle up my ass
164
00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,900
and sacrifice my only son.
165
00:07:50,900 --> 00:07:52,900
I just pray Alfie can keep
that class under control.
166
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,900
Man, what's wrong with
you? Hold him still.
167
00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,900
Fraser. Father.
168
00:07:58,900 --> 00:08:00,900
Ready for your appraisal, Smoocher?
169
00:08:00,900 --> 00:08:03,900
Yep, just as soon as I've washed
the word "twat" off my forehead.
170
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,900
Yep, that should do it.
171
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:18,900
Dad, you do realise, if you fire me
I won't be able to pay my rent.
172
00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,900
You'll be homeless
and back in that smelly car.
173
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,900
Which is why it's important
that you stay focused.
174
00:08:23,900 --> 00:08:28,900
Right, um, Mr Wickers,
what's your biggest weakness?
175
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:29,900
Honestly?
176
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:34,900
This is a safe space. Please,
truthfully, your biggest weakness?
177
00:08:34,900 --> 00:08:36,900
Truthfully?
178
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:38,900
Probably poppers.
179
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:41,900
Every time.
180
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,900
Miss Gulliver,
your biggest weakness?
181
00:08:46,900 --> 00:08:47,900
Nothing?
182
00:08:47,900 --> 00:08:49,900
What's unique about you?
183
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,900
I'm completely blind in one eye.
184
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,900
Yep, absolutely no depth of vision.
185
00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,900
The answer is, of course,
my unique sense of humour
186
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:59,900
and with that, my work here is done.
Mr Fraser, can you sit back down?
187
00:08:59,900 --> 00:09:00,900
Yes, siree-bob.
188
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,900
What's your greatest achievement?
189
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,515
Nearly had a threesome on holiday.
190
00:09:05,515 --> 00:09:08,900
Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch
with Atticus Hoy and his brother.
191
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:10,900
No! I meant on my gap year.
192
00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:15,900
My biggest regret?
193
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,900
I used to say the N word at least
a hundred times a day.
194
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:20,900
"N-word this, N-word that."
It was a real buzz-kill.
195
00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:23,900
And then one day, I vowed never again
to say the word N-O.
196
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,900
The N word is "no"?
Yep!
197
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,900
Since then, everyone at Abbey Grove
has been forbidden from ever
198
00:09:29,900 --> 00:09:31,220
saying the word "no" to anything.
199
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:34,900
Except all of the girls.
200
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:37,900
Oh, come on, Rosie.
201
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,900
What's been your proudest moment
as a teacher?
202
00:09:39,900 --> 00:09:40,900
This!
203
00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:48,900
Describe yourself in one word.
Succeedophile.
204
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,525
Sorry? You heard me right, madame.
205
00:09:50,525 --> 00:09:52,900
I am a massive, unrepentant
succeedophile.
206
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:54,300
You'd better put
me on the goddamn
207
00:09:54,301 --> 00:09:55,900
register, sister, cos
I will reoffend.
208
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,900
At succeeding.
209
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,840
What's your greatest ambition?
210
00:10:02,557 --> 00:10:03,760
Probably another threesome.
211
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:06,564
Let's rein in the honesty a tad,
shall we?
212
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,900
Maybe your ambition is to get
some of your pupils into Oxbridge.
213
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,645
Ha! Oxbridge!
214
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:12,900
Never going to happen.
215
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:17,900
Very good, Alf, but, er, there's
actually nothing wrong with Form K.
216
00:10:17,900 --> 00:10:18,900
I believe there have been tests.
217
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:19,900
Many, many tests.
218
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:24,900
And there may be some people who
believe the problem lies elsewhere
219
00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:28,900
and they're saying that you're
feckless, childish and incompetent.
220
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,900
I'm not feckless!
I've got loads of feck!
221
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:34,900
I'm a fecking motherfecker!
222
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,900
So why don't you three just
back the feck off!
223
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,900
You're not helping yourself.
224
00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:41,294
Wait! You WANT to fire me!
225
00:10:41,294 --> 00:10:42,900
Of course I don't want to fire you
226
00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:45,900
but you're leaving me
with no choice. I'm your son!
227
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:48,900
Not at school, Mr Wickers.
We're colleagues.
228
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:49,900
For now.
229
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,900
Et tu, Father!
230
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,900
The teachers of Abbey Grove
are on strike.
231
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,900
We will not return to work
until you promise job security
232
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,900
for every single member of staff!
233
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:05,900
Alfie, don't go with her -
stay and fight for your job.
234
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,900
Whose side are you on, Alfie?
235
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,900
He's always been confused
about which side he's on.
236
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,900
One minute he's holding hands
with Alice Plemons,
237
00:11:12,900 --> 00:11:16,121
the next I catch him
ramming Pogs up Atticus Hoy's...
238
00:11:16,121 --> 00:11:17,900
Right! To the barricades!
239
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,900
Do you hear the people sing
240
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:22,900
Singing a song of angry men?
241
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:28,900
It is the music of a people
who will not be slaves again
242
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,900
When the...
243
00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:32,900
Just a quick one.
244
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,900
Teachers still get paid on strike,
right?
245
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,900
When the beating of your heart
246
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:41,900
Echoes the beating of the drums
247
00:11:41,900 --> 00:11:47,720
There is a life about to start
when tomorrow comes.
248
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,840
Teachers united!
249
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:54,900
This strike is
not about individuals.
250
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:59,900
This strike is for every teacher
that has ever been sacked
251
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:00,900
by their own father.
252
00:12:00,900 --> 00:12:04,900
This strike is about
drawing a line in the sand,
253
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:07,900
standing up to the man
and saying "no"!
254
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:08,900
Yes, sir.
255
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,900
You sure this is all right, mate?
256
00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:18,900
God!
257
00:12:18,900 --> 00:12:22,341
I haven't held a placard in my hand
since I ran for student president.
258
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:24,900
Really? You? Yeah, I guess you could
say back at school
259
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:26,900
I had something
of the politician in me.
260
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:28,900
Did you get bummed
by George Osborne? Dah!
261
00:12:28,900 --> 00:12:30,900
Served another zinger.
262
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,900
What?
Cos all black people work at KFC?
263
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,900
Is that what you're saying,
Clarkson?
264
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,531
No, er, not at all,
265
00:12:37,531 --> 00:12:39,900
a lot of my best friends are...
266
00:12:39,900 --> 00:12:41,900
work in KFC.
267
00:12:41,900 --> 00:12:42,900
Look, sir!
268
00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:44,900
Come on!
269
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,900
It's my one-man Les Mis
all over again.
270
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,900
Er, Joe, maybe lose the flag -
271
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,900
it makes you look a little bit
National Fronty.
272
00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:54,900
I'm already sorting out the press.
Joe's my PA.
273
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,900
I've spoken to a man from the
Watford Guardian.
274
00:12:57,900 --> 00:12:58,900
I want the nationals, babe.
275
00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:01,900
I'm offering the Mail Online
photos of Chantelle in a bikini.
276
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:02,900
Stephen, she's 16.
277
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:05,900
No, you're right, she's probably
a bit old for the Sidebar of Shame.
278
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:09,900
You know what would really grab
their attention? A hunger strike.
279
00:13:09,900 --> 00:13:12,900
Joe, you know the way
you're on this vegan diet, which...
280
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,900
Isn't working. I miss bacon so much.
281
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:18,015
Cheer up, Uncle Fester.
Soon you'll be skinny
282
00:13:18,016 --> 00:13:19,900
enough to buy your
clothes from Jacamo.
283
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,624
At least he don't
get his threads from ASDA.
284
00:13:21,624 --> 00:13:23,900
Your mum get staff discount?
She don't work at ASDA.
285
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,900
How she get a staff discount?
Sucked off George?
286
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:28,900
Guys!
Don't worry! Not YOUR George!
287
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:32,437
Thanks. Er, look, Joe,
my dad says that I'm a bad teacher
288
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,461
but who's going to look bad
when doctors are force-feeding you
289
00:13:35,461 --> 00:13:37,900
through a tube because you love me
so much?
290
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,900
Alfie, is this strike just
about getting revenge on your dad?
291
00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,900
No. A hunger strike's win-win, mate.
292
00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,560
The governors will cave the minute
you start losing weight.
293
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,900
How long will that be? I'm going
Tenerife next Christmas. Listen, guys.
294
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,900
Actions speak louder
than words, Joe!
295
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:54,900
Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square.
296
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:58,900
Protesting the war in Vietnam,
a monk set himself on fire.
297
00:13:58,900 --> 00:14:01,340
Oh, good idea. I'll get the petrol -
we've already got a monk.
298
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:02,900
Idiot!
299
00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:06,900
Ah, thank God for Ying.
Always thinking.
300
00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:09,900
What if we light a real fire
under my dad's ass?
301
00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,900
Old health and safety's
here to save the day.
302
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:14,900
I was thinking of throwing them
off the roof. You've changed.
303
00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:17,900
"I rebel, therefore I exist." Camus.
304
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:20,900
Anyone else finding that
a bit annoying? Yep.
305
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:23,900
I've got to go find Miss Gulliver -
we're drawing up a list of demands.
306
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:24,980
Beer at lunch!
Unbelievable!
307
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,600
The reporter's here!
308
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:29,901
Tits and teeth.
309
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,900
So, er, why'd you get expelled
from your last school?
310
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:37,900
I kidnapped a teacher.
Really?
311
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:40,900
No, you salad! I'm not a psycho.
312
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:43,640
Called in a bomb threat to get
out of some long division.
313
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:44,900
Amazing.
314
00:14:45,581 --> 00:14:46,800
Pick up your lip.
315
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,900
Someone's in love!
316
00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:54,900
Oh, shit, maybe I am.
317
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:56,900
Bollocks!
318
00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:00,900
You've taken a vow of silence?
319
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:05,900
OK, just let me know, by the way, if
you don't want that foosball table.
320
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,900
Seriously, just say the word.
321
00:15:09,591 --> 00:15:11,900
We're drawing up a list of demands.
322
00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:13,900
We demand safe pensions.
323
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,478
Job security.
324
00:15:15,478 --> 00:15:16,720
No more homework.
325
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,900
I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe.
326
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:21,900
Like Ghandi.
327
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:23,900
Oh, totes. David Gandy's always
been an inspiration.
328
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:28,880
Those abs - like a cobbled street. Wouldn't
want to walk down them in a wedged heel.
329
00:15:31,628 --> 00:15:33,900
That man with the nappy? Eww!
330
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:40,840
Oi, Dickers.
331
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,900
I need your advice. I think I like
Cleo - she's an absolute weldy.
332
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,800
Really? I thought
you and her had beef.
333
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,900
Yeah, I...
instantly regret using that word.
334
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,900
No, I think I, like,
LIKE-HER like her.
335
00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:54,900
She thinks I'm a tool.
336
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:56,900
Well, I mean, you kind of are.
337
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,258
Look, mate, men like me and you -
338
00:15:59,258 --> 00:16:00,901
we're never going to be able to get
girls with our looks.
339
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:01,900
What do you mean, men like
me and you?
340
00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:04,900
I'm an absolute baller, mate,
a nine out of ten.
341
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:06,900
You look like a
Topshop Peter Sutcliffe.
342
00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:08,900
Right. I mean, do you want my help?
343
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:11,900
Our only option is to make girls
laugh. Women love a sense of humour.
344
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:14,401
Oh, I get it,
I've got to laugh her into...
345
00:16:14,401 --> 00:16:15,900
A corner, yeah.
346
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:18,840
Laugh her straight into
an impulsive flat-share
347
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,960
that binds her to you financially.
348
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:26,900
Code red!
They're sending in supply teachers!
349
00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,900
Look at them - it's like the army
of the unsullied invaded...
350
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:34,900
What's wrong with supply teachers?
351
00:16:34,900 --> 00:16:36,900
Well, put it this way -
352
00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:38,900
even I can get a permanent
placement.
353
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:40,900
Scab!
354
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:44,900
Oh, my God! All we need is Julie
Walters and it's Billy Elliott! Scab!
355
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,900
Right, that's it,
I'm taking this to the next level!
356
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:50,900
Dirty protest.
357
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:52,900
What? No!
358
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:54,900
I'm going to hit my dad
where it hurts.
359
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,360
His car.
Shit on his car!
360
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,434
No, there's no shit.
361
00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,900
Well, you can bump and grind
362
00:17:17,510 --> 00:17:19,900
And it's good for your mind
363
00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:23,480
Well, you can twist and shout
364
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,687
Let it all hang out
365
00:17:26,687 --> 00:17:31,900
But you won't fool
the children of the revolution
366
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:36,900
No, you won't fool
the children of the revolution
367
00:17:36,900 --> 00:17:38,900
Na-na, no
368
00:17:45,528 --> 00:17:47,200
Wow!
369
00:17:48,580 --> 00:17:50,900
Dickers, you been sniffing glue?
370
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:52,900
Shut up! What is all of this?
371
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:54,900
It's meant to be a strike,
not a festival.
372
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:57,492
If we're here for the long haul,
might as well have a laugh.
373
00:17:57,492 --> 00:17:59,900
Tomato? I'm going to pelt
the supply teachers.
374
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,080
Old school, slapstick!
Cleo might like it.
375
00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:04,560
Salad for the salad.
376
00:18:05,900 --> 00:18:06,900
Oi, Kelly Osbourne,
377
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:10,160
want to see a couple of turnips
that look like your mum's bollocks?
378
00:18:12,721 --> 00:18:13,900
Can I have a tomato?
379
00:18:13,900 --> 00:18:15,900
No, Joe, you're on hunger strike.
380
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,900
I'm so hungry.
You're doing great, mate.
381
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:21,477
And remember, when everyone else is
tucking into that delicious hog roast,
382
00:18:21,477 --> 00:18:24,494
you, my friend, are going to be
occupying the moral high ground.
383
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:25,560
Hog roast?
384
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:28,900
Why, God?
385
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:30,900
Joe!
386
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,600
Look what those journo bastards
did, sir!
387
00:18:35,900 --> 00:18:37,900
I told them
not to print my left side.
388
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:39,900
I said,
"Front on or three-quarter profile."
389
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,900
They've given me fat neck!
390
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:44,560
Sorry...
did you say all of these things?
391
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,900
I thought it was an interview,
not a bloody quiz.
392
00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:50,900
Mein Kampf was the name
of John Barrowman's autobiography.
393
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:53,800
You thought that Hitler's
first name was Heil.
394
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:54,900
Heil Hitler.
395
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:57,900
That Hezbollah and Hamas
were chips and dips.
396
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:58,900
Well, they sound yummy.
397
00:18:59,503 --> 00:19:03,421
When asked who said,
"I have a dream," you responded...
398
00:19:03,421 --> 00:19:04,080
Westlife.
399
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:05,900
I know, I know, that one was dumb.
400
00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:06,900
Originally, it was ABBA.
401
00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:10,389
Maybe we ARE stupid, sir.
No, don't worry, Chantelle.
402
00:19:10,389 --> 00:19:13,900
It's just some stupid journalist
trying to spin a story out of nothing.
403
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:18,900
Is it? Miss Gulliver's class are
revising. We're just pissing around.
404
00:19:18,900 --> 00:19:19,900
Oi, who's nicked my porn?
405
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,900
I'm going to fail my exams.
406
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,900
Who cares, babes? I'm going to become a
dancer and you'll be my make-up artist.
407
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:29,900
Not any more. I found out I need
GCSEs to get into my beauty school.
408
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:30,900
I'm screwed!
409
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:32,900
So that's why you've been
working so hard?
410
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:35,900
If I fail my GCSEs,
I'll never get a job.
411
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:37,900
What have I got to put in my CV?
412
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:39,900
I haven't achieved anything!
413
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:42,900
Not true, babes. You got to snog
Science from Big Brother Six.
414
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,900
I don't want to be a failure!
It's my fault.
415
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:48,900
You're not a failure, Chantelle,
and you never will be.
416
00:19:48,900 --> 00:19:51,900
My dad's right -
I'm letting you guys down.
417
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:54,501
Don't worry.
I'm going to get into our classroom,
418
00:19:54,501 --> 00:19:57,900
I'll get some textbooks,
start teaching you al-fresco style.
419
00:19:57,900 --> 00:19:59,900
Who's Al Fresco?
Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys?
420
00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:02,900
No, babe,
"al fresco" is French for "patio"!
421
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:05,900
Oh, God, I really need to start
teaching you again.
422
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,900
But you'll be breaking the strike.
423
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:11,900
I'm going to get you those GCSEs,
I promise.
424
00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:18,900
As Britain's youngest headmaster,
425
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:20,900
I have to be everywhere at once -
426
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:22,900
in lessons, in the staffroom,
427
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:23,900
occasionally in court,
428
00:20:23,900 --> 00:20:25,900
but always in high spirits.
429
00:20:25,900 --> 00:20:27,900
How do I do this, I hear you ask.
430
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,900
I give you...
431
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:31,900
the future!
432
00:20:39,135 --> 00:20:40,900
Versat...
433
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:41,900
Versatile.
434
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:48,900
I want those reports on my desk
by end of play today.
435
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:57,900
Still working.
436
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,900
Fast, quiet and efficient,
the SegDesk has all the attributes
437
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:06,900
of a Victorian lover.
438
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,900
So hop on one today!
439
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:22,900
Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't
mean that I don't support you
440
00:21:22,900 --> 00:21:25,900
and I still think that my dad's
being a dick.
441
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:27,900
But I need to think about my kids.
442
00:21:30,375 --> 00:21:31,900
I'm putting an end to this strike.
443
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:34,900
I'm crossing the picket line
and I'm negotiating.
444
00:21:35,900 --> 00:21:37,900
I'm sorry.
445
00:21:38,900 --> 00:21:42,900
Stop! Alfie! You can't let them win!
446
00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:43,900
Come back!
447
00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:46,900
Ah, you've finally come
to your senses.
448
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:53,900
Traitor!
449
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:55,900
Judas, Judas!
450
00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,900
Judas, Judas, Judas!
451
00:21:57,900 --> 00:21:59,900
Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
452
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:05,520
Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!
453
00:22:08,998 --> 00:22:10,918
Oi, Ying, come and give us
a hand with something.
454
00:22:12,150 --> 00:22:14,160
I quit! I quit!
455
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:15,900
I quit!
456
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,314
What?!
I quit!
457
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:23,901
If that's the only way that I can
get everyone back into school,
458
00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:26,468
then... that's the way
it's got to be.
459
00:22:26,468 --> 00:22:28,900
You don't have to.
We can break them!
460
00:22:28,900 --> 00:22:31,900
But how long's that going to take?
Days, weeks?
461
00:22:31,900 --> 00:22:34,544
I can't risk that.
My kids need to be learning
462
00:22:34,544 --> 00:22:36,280
and that's not going to
happen out here.
463
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,900
No, sir, you can't quit.
464
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:40,900
No, Chantelle,
you deserve a better teacher.
465
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:42,900
Maybe this is for the best.
466
00:22:42,900 --> 00:22:44,900
So, Dad, reluctantly,
467
00:22:44,900 --> 00:22:48,400
I take this redundancy.
The strike's over!
468
00:22:57,900 --> 00:23:01,900
What you just did
showed real courage.
469
00:23:01,900 --> 00:23:02,900
I hope I proved a point.
470
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,900
This whole thing was getting
completely out of hand.
471
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:08,900
Thankfully, now we can
all go back to normal.
472
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:16,900
Good old Alfie, joking to the last.
We're going to miss you, son.
473
00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:18,900
Miss me?
474
00:23:18,900 --> 00:23:20,900
Well, you did just resign.
475
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,900
Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only
doing the whole "I quit" thing
476
00:23:24,900 --> 00:23:27,900
to show everyone how ludicrous
the whole situation was.
477
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:29,900
I don't actually have to
lose my job, do I?
478
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:32,900
I've still got to find the money
from somewhere
479
00:23:32,900 --> 00:23:33,900
and I did plead with the governors
480
00:23:33,900 --> 00:23:36,624
but they were going to insist
I sack you anyway.
481
00:23:36,624 --> 00:23:38,900
If only you'd shown this
pluck during your review,
482
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:41,900
instead of all that
guff about threesomes.
483
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:45,680
If it's any consolation, you saved
me a lot of soul searching.
484
00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:49,900
Yeah, it's no consolation
whatsoever.
485
00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:51,900
Oi, Cleo, watch this.
486
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:54,900
"Commitment is an act, not a word."
Sartre.
487
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:57,040
"Eat pig, bitch!" Mitchell.
488
00:23:57,880 --> 00:23:59,900
Alfie!
489
00:24:05,900 --> 00:24:07,900
That is bang out of order, man.
490
00:24:07,900 --> 00:24:09,900
Oh! How could she not
find that funny?
491
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:11,900
We've just squashed a vegan
with a pig!
492
00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,900
You took a pig for me, brother.
493
00:24:15,900 --> 00:24:17,360
I'm so hungry.
494
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,900
A hundred grand?
That's unbelievable.
495
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:27,900
Er, yes, I accept.
I can't wait to tell the troops.
496
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:30,900
Stop! Nobody's getting fired...
497
00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:33,900
as I have just sold a patent to
the Japanese guy who brought you
498
00:24:33,900 --> 00:24:35,900
such hits as
the She-wee and He-boob.
499
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:40,280
That's right, Japan is about to say
konichiwa to the SegDesk.
500
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:41,317
That's not true, is it?
501
00:24:41,317 --> 00:24:43,900
I sold my flat. I knew the governors
wanted Alf's head
502
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:46,900
and I couldn't stay on at
Abbey Grove without my best bud.
503
00:24:46,900 --> 00:24:47,900
Thanks, Fraser.
504
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,900
Where will you live?
505
00:24:49,900 --> 00:24:51,900
Ah... my office.
506
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:54,900
Either that or, Martin,
can your car fit two?
507
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:56,900
It can. Post-divorce,
I had a rebound fling
508
00:24:56,900 --> 00:25:00,900
with a 16-stone lady trucker
called Fat Pat.
509
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:03,900
Romancing a woman of that size
in the back of the flame-red Tigo
510
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:05,900
could prove taxing.
511
00:25:05,900 --> 00:25:08,900
Getting her bra and truss off alone
was a three-man job.
512
00:25:08,900 --> 00:25:11,900
Luckily she had a friend -
Mick, her husband.
513
00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:14,240
Dark days!
514
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:16,900
I'll probably just rent.
515
00:25:16,900 --> 00:25:19,344
Dad! About your car...
516
00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:23,900
Before you see it,
can you just remember
517
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:27,900
that I was really, really angry.
518
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:43,900
Oh, my days! That is jokes!
519
00:25:43,900 --> 00:25:44,900
The gashmobile.
520
00:25:44,900 --> 00:25:46,900
Man's car got porned!
521
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:50,900
Half the credit must go to
Mr Mitchell. What?
522
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,900
Er, yeah, it was me. I did it.
523
00:25:54,900 --> 00:25:55,900
Ah, quite funny, bruv.
524
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:01,900
Don't touch me.
525
00:26:01,900 --> 00:26:02,900
Come on.
526
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,900
Cheers for that, sir.
That's all right.
527
00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:13,600
OK, guess I'd better go
and get cleaned up, then.
528
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:19,840
Yep, that should do it.
529
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:30,900
Yeah, I rule!
530
00:26:30,900 --> 00:26:32,900
One more game, then back to work?
531
00:26:32,900 --> 00:26:34,900
I'm glad you didn't leave, sir.
532
00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:36,900
Oh, so am I, Chantelle.
533
00:26:36,900 --> 00:26:38,900
You guys are like a family to me.
534
00:26:38,900 --> 00:26:42,900
Mitchell, Joey Boy, even Cleo.
535
00:26:42,900 --> 00:26:43,900
Little Rem Dogg.
536
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:46,900
Where is Rem Dogg?
537
00:26:49,719 --> 00:26:51,900
Oh, shit! Rem Dogg!
538
00:26:55,528 --> 00:26:56,395
Hey!
539
00:27:00,442 --> 00:27:02,900
Ooh, someone had a wee-wee
in the night.
540
00:27:02,950 --> 00:27:07,500
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