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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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Every year I'd explain
to Miss Pickwell
3
00:00:31,596 --> 00:00:34,475
that the Nativity
is about Jesus being born,
4
00:00:34,476 --> 00:00:37,715
not him being beaten, whipped
and crucified in real time.
5
00:00:37,716 --> 00:00:40,955
Yeah, she also went a little bit
heavy with the Jew-bashing.
6
00:00:40,956 --> 00:00:43,835
Pro Green was a shoe-in
to replace her, but she's, er....
7
00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:45,795
On honeymoon with my dad,
yes, I know.
8
00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,195
I'm trying not to think about it.
9
00:00:47,196 --> 00:00:50,955
My point is, there'll be no Xmas play
unless you step up to the plate.
10
00:00:50,956 --> 00:00:53,275
OK, Fraser, I'll tell you
why I'm not going to do the play.
11
00:00:53,276 --> 00:00:55,075
I was like everyone else...
12
00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:58,955
when I was growing up, Nativities
were the highlight of my Christmas.
13
00:00:58,956 --> 00:01:02,955
And then, one year,
I got the best part I'd ever got.
14
00:01:02,956 --> 00:01:04,115
Joseph?
15
00:01:04,116 --> 00:01:05,555
Mole 2.
16
00:01:05,556 --> 00:01:08,955
Were there moles in the manger?
Er, yes.
17
00:01:08,956 --> 00:01:10,995
My mum promised
that she'd come and watch me...
18
00:01:10,996 --> 00:01:14,875
And I went out on stage,
do you know what I saw?
19
00:01:14,876 --> 00:01:17,436
Nothing? Moles are blind. No...
20
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:22,075
My mum's empty chair.
21
00:01:22,076 --> 00:01:26,236
And that poor little mole just wanted
to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
22
00:01:30,036 --> 00:01:32,115
But look,
you don't have to do a Nativity!
23
00:01:32,116 --> 00:01:34,435
It's time
for a non-denominational show.
24
00:01:34,436 --> 00:01:36,795
Give a shout out
to "all de religion"!
25
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,315
Hey, but don't forget mine.
26
00:01:38,316 --> 00:01:40,036
I'm a Belieber!
27
00:01:41,636 --> 00:01:44,555
Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist.
28
00:01:44,556 --> 00:01:47,315
Actually, technically,
I think I'd be Bl-agnostic.
29
00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,355
I mean, I'd slag him off
30
00:01:48,356 --> 00:01:51,075
but if he walked in the door now,
I'd be all over him like a rash.
31
00:01:51,076 --> 00:01:54,395
Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled
a big one from his gag sack.
32
00:01:54,396 --> 00:01:57,155
Kill me. Hey,
you've got to get Stephen involved!
33
00:01:57,156 --> 00:01:59,075
That guy knows how to put on a show.
34
00:01:59,076 --> 00:02:01,115
Remember his one-man Precious?
35
00:02:06,516 --> 00:02:07,755
Superb!
36
00:02:07,756 --> 00:02:09,035
Fiddler on the Heath?
37
00:02:14,436 --> 00:02:15,555
Barnstorming.
38
00:02:15,556 --> 00:02:17,395
And that biopic of Cheryl Cole...
39
00:02:24,716 --> 00:02:25,915
Libellous.
40
00:02:25,916 --> 00:02:30,395
Anyhoo, question, remember how you
sent your end-of-term reports via text?
41
00:02:30,396 --> 00:02:32,195
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
42
00:02:32,196 --> 00:02:34,555
Yeah, well, the school governors
don't seem to think so.
43
00:02:34,556 --> 00:02:35,595
Dicks!
44
00:02:35,596 --> 00:02:37,635
They're quite keen for me
to fire you.
45
00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:39,435
But you put on this play,
46
00:02:39,436 --> 00:02:40,795
and I'll save your heiney
47
00:02:40,796 --> 00:02:44,275
by throwing this ass in front
of the governors' spanking hands.
48
00:02:44,276 --> 00:02:47,075
All right.
I'll do your shitty little play.
49
00:02:47,076 --> 00:02:49,955
But, just so you know,
I hate Christmas shows.
50
00:02:49,956 --> 00:02:52,875
We have done some perfectly good
stuff earlier in the year,
51
00:02:52,876 --> 00:02:57,395
and now we have to ruin it by
cobbling together some under-thought through festive bollocks
52
00:02:57,396 --> 00:02:59,316
with a load of shit Christmas music.
53
00:03:26,516 --> 00:03:28,435
Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
54
00:03:28,436 --> 00:03:30,835
I'm Millwall till I die.
55
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:37,475
OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker
and five of you have voted for Robocop.
56
00:03:37,476 --> 00:03:38,835
So we're doing the Nutcracker?
57
00:03:38,836 --> 00:03:41,155
Oh, someone's changed their tune
on democracy.
58
00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:43,956
But you're forgetting, Jing,
I also get a vote.
59
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,276
So what are we going to do?
60
00:03:50,636 --> 00:03:51,876
Got it.
61
00:03:58,796 --> 00:04:00,235
That's our play.
62
00:04:00,236 --> 00:04:01,755
Robocracker?
63
00:04:01,756 --> 00:04:05,315
Does that exist?
Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
64
00:04:05,316 --> 00:04:07,955
Oh, God,
we've read your scripts before.
65
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:11,155
What do you mean, "Oh, God"? You
don't really do subtlety, do you?
66
00:04:11,156 --> 00:04:14,275
Er, subtlety can lick my balls
and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
67
00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:16,755
I'll just go on Wikipedia,
bosh out a plot mash-up.
68
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,555
That's not going to work.
Er, yes, it will.
69
00:04:18,556 --> 00:04:20,315
What's the best
film of the last 20 years?
70
00:04:20,316 --> 00:04:21,955
Saw 4. Saw 5.
71
00:04:21,956 --> 00:04:23,876
Hunger Games. Meet the Fockers.
Lolita.
72
00:04:25,636 --> 00:04:28,635
Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing,
73
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:32,395
but the correct answer
is Alien Vs Predator.
74
00:04:32,396 --> 00:04:33,875
A plot mash-up.
75
00:04:33,876 --> 00:04:37,075
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been
on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
76
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,475
So you won't have to inherit
his shitty tracksuits?
77
00:04:39,476 --> 00:04:43,075
That makes two of us! You won't be
getting your mum's clothes, cos they're all over my bedroom floor!
78
00:04:43,076 --> 00:04:46,235
Guys, stop being mean
about each other's families.
79
00:04:46,236 --> 00:04:48,556
Your parents are all so supportive
of you.
80
00:04:49,796 --> 00:04:51,315
You might not realise it now,
81
00:04:51,316 --> 00:04:55,956
but you won't appreciate how much
they love you, until your mum's gone...
82
00:04:57,316 --> 00:05:01,116
..to live in Spain,
with Javier and their children.
83
00:05:03,316 --> 00:05:04,436
Gay!
84
00:05:06,076 --> 00:05:07,115
Come on, sir.
85
00:05:07,116 --> 00:05:10,435
You write your masterpiece,
I'll help you organise auditions.
86
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:11,715
Thanks, Jing.
87
00:05:11,716 --> 00:05:14,715
Oh, and I forgot to say, we have
to give a shout out to all the religions.
88
00:05:14,716 --> 00:05:17,795
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam...
what's China, Jing?
89
00:05:17,796 --> 00:05:20,715
Predominantly atheists. So, what,
you don't get to do Christmas?
90
00:05:20,716 --> 00:05:23,195
That seems a bit unfair
considering you make all the toys.
91
00:05:23,196 --> 00:05:25,355
That's like the elves not having it.
92
00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:27,195
Did you just compare...?
93
00:05:27,196 --> 00:05:30,475
On the subject of presents,
Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
94
00:05:30,476 --> 00:05:33,635
Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of
his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
95
00:05:33,636 --> 00:05:36,395
You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey?
Adopting her a donkey.
96
00:05:36,396 --> 00:05:40,115
You know, she loves animals... and they're
a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
97
00:05:40,116 --> 00:05:42,075
OK, spread the word.
98
00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:46,435
Casting's at break, so pick your own
audition pieces and choose them wisely.
99
00:05:51,436 --> 00:05:55,795
OK, Stephen, what scene from
Flashdance are you doing today?
100
00:05:55,796 --> 00:05:57,555
All of it. All of it?
101
00:05:57,556 --> 00:06:00,516
You've only got a minute.
Just shut up and press play.
102
00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:17,915
And who are you?
103
00:06:17,916 --> 00:06:20,115
Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit?
104
00:06:20,116 --> 00:06:23,155
I can read your mind, bruv.
105
00:06:23,156 --> 00:06:24,315
Yeah, sure.
106
00:06:24,316 --> 00:06:26,035
What am I thinking now?
107
00:06:26,036 --> 00:06:27,435
Tits.
108
00:06:27,436 --> 00:06:28,796
Tits!
109
00:06:35,076 --> 00:06:36,436
How does he do it?
110
00:06:44,156 --> 00:06:48,035
So, Chantelle, where have you taken
your scene from?
111
00:06:48,036 --> 00:06:49,795
Basic Instinct.
112
00:06:49,796 --> 00:06:52,235
Basic Instinct...?
113
00:06:52,236 --> 00:06:54,636
Oh, my God! Do not move your legs!
114
00:07:14,436 --> 00:07:17,755
Obviously, you're in the play.
That was amazing.
115
00:07:17,756 --> 00:07:19,715
Sorted.
116
00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:21,475
We still only have one good actor.
117
00:07:21,476 --> 00:07:23,555
Yeah, that's all you need.
One good one,
118
00:07:23,556 --> 00:07:26,955
then you don't realise how terrible
the other ones actually are.
119
00:07:26,956 --> 00:07:30,235
It's like the Kardashians. Really?
Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
120
00:07:30,236 --> 00:07:31,995
But you take Kim
out of the equation,
121
00:07:31,996 --> 00:07:36,796
Kourtney suddenly looks like she
should be sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats.
122
00:07:40,276 --> 00:07:44,395
Now, look, Frank,
there's no need to take the piss...
123
00:07:44,396 --> 00:07:46,675
I've come to audition, innit?
124
00:07:46,676 --> 00:07:49,316
Your dance was, like, good and shit.
125
00:07:50,276 --> 00:07:52,235
Oh, thanks, babes.
126
00:07:52,236 --> 00:07:53,675
Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered.
127
00:07:53,676 --> 00:07:58,035
Well, OK, um... in your own time.
128
00:07:58,036 --> 00:07:59,635
This is going to be perfect, Jing.
129
00:07:59,636 --> 00:08:02,635
He'll be like Plan B, all moody
but with an amazing talent
130
00:08:02,636 --> 00:08:05,636
hidden between
the urban, slightly stabby facade.
131
00:08:11,436 --> 00:08:13,275
Where is my Romeo?
132
00:08:13,276 --> 00:08:16,435
What's here?
A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
133
00:08:16,436 --> 00:08:19,635
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
134
00:08:19,636 --> 00:08:21,395
He sounds like he's taking a shit.
135
00:08:21,396 --> 00:08:24,275
I will kiss thy lips...
136
00:08:24,276 --> 00:08:25,915
OK, right, good.
137
00:08:25,916 --> 00:08:31,035
Er...
so, let's start with the positives.
138
00:08:31,036 --> 00:08:32,315
Volume.
139
00:08:32,316 --> 00:08:34,355
It was very loud.
140
00:08:34,356 --> 00:08:40,635
I heard every word, as I think
did the whole of Hertfordshire.
141
00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:42,235
So what part am I going to play?
142
00:08:42,236 --> 00:08:47,595
Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are
a lot of really great actors out there.
143
00:08:47,596 --> 00:08:50,475
What part? I'm afraid,
there isn't a role for you...
144
00:08:50,476 --> 00:08:52,195
What... part?
145
00:08:52,196 --> 00:08:54,636
The lead? What? The co-lead.
146
00:08:55,916 --> 00:08:57,916
Yes, like in Rush Hour.
147
00:08:59,236 --> 00:09:00,795
Thanks, Jing.
148
00:09:00,796 --> 00:09:02,116
Nice save.
149
00:09:04,236 --> 00:09:05,475
You all right, sir?
150
00:09:05,476 --> 00:09:07,155
I'm snow-K, you?
151
00:09:07,156 --> 00:09:08,435
Yeah, not too bad.
152
00:09:08,436 --> 00:09:09,915
Yours-elf?
153
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,636
Oh, Rudolph, Donner,
Blitzen and Banter!
154
00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:16,035
Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number,
please, sir?
155
00:09:16,036 --> 00:09:18,596
It's on the toilet wall. Yeah,
I tried that one. It weren't real.
156
00:09:19,356 --> 00:09:22,315
Sorry, why do you want it?
I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise.
157
00:09:22,316 --> 00:09:25,195
Genuinely nice? Yeah.
It's Christmas.
158
00:09:25,196 --> 00:09:28,235
I want to invite her
to Mr Wickers' play. Wow!
159
00:09:28,236 --> 00:09:31,796
Do you know what, hustler, I think
I'm going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me.
160
00:09:33,316 --> 00:09:35,075
Although Alfie's not seen her
in years.
161
00:09:35,076 --> 00:09:38,116
Well, you've got to convince her
then. Make something up. Right-oh.
162
00:09:42,156 --> 00:09:44,035
Hello, is that Mrs Wickers?
163
00:09:44,036 --> 00:09:47,755
Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires!
164
00:09:47,756 --> 00:09:49,515
Yes, it's Mr Fraser here.
165
00:09:49,516 --> 00:09:50,876
Alfie's...
166
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,716
..been in a horrific car crash.
167
00:10:01,716 --> 00:10:05,035
OK, so this is Robocracker.
168
00:10:05,036 --> 00:10:09,595
In a world without hope, lived an
angry maladjusted delinquent boy.
169
00:10:09,596 --> 00:10:11,355
That is you, Frank.
170
00:10:11,356 --> 00:10:15,795
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds
beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker.
171
00:10:15,796 --> 00:10:17,555
That's you, Stephen.
172
00:10:17,556 --> 00:10:19,595
Christmas miracle,
Robocracker's alive!
173
00:10:19,596 --> 00:10:22,915
And him and the delinquent boy set
about to bring peace to the world.
174
00:10:22,916 --> 00:10:28,435
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a
sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
175
00:10:28,436 --> 00:10:31,035
You can't win a BAFTA
for a theatre show.
176
00:10:31,036 --> 00:10:34,195
All the parts are cast, except
for the role of the villain...
177
00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:38,275
North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un.
178
00:10:38,276 --> 00:10:41,516
Oh, who, oh, who
could play that part?
179
00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:46,275
You want me to play an overweight
middle-aged North Korean man?
180
00:10:46,276 --> 00:10:50,395
Er, no, Jing, we're not talking
about a lazy stereotype here.
181
00:10:50,396 --> 00:10:54,315
We are talking about a
three-dimensional, very rounded character,
182
00:10:54,316 --> 00:11:00,755
a very rounded
sort of, chubby oddball loner...
183
00:11:00,756 --> 00:11:02,035
Just give me the script.
184
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:05,635
Joe, you are going to make
a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim.
185
00:11:05,636 --> 00:11:07,515
How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker?
186
00:11:07,516 --> 00:11:09,795
Because Kim Jong-un
wants to capture Robocracker
187
00:11:09,796 --> 00:11:12,955
so he can use his robotic heart to
power a missile that can destroy the world.
188
00:11:12,956 --> 00:11:15,955
Only when he gets hold of the heart,
he realises it's not robotic,
189
00:11:15,956 --> 00:11:17,755
it's actually the heart
of a real boy.
190
00:11:17,756 --> 00:11:20,235
It's actually very obvious
if you think about it, Jing.
191
00:11:20,236 --> 00:11:22,875
Thank you, sir, it's beautiful.
192
00:11:22,876 --> 00:11:24,715
Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
193
00:11:24,716 --> 00:11:27,115
For the same reason
that I don't watch Question Time.
194
00:11:27,116 --> 00:11:30,515
Because it's boring, confusing
and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
195
00:11:30,516 --> 00:11:32,755
that no normal person
would ever understand.
196
00:11:32,756 --> 00:11:37,915
So, how do we create a loyal,
trusting, happy environment?
197
00:11:37,916 --> 00:11:39,355
Everyone get naked?
198
00:11:39,356 --> 00:11:40,435
No.
199
00:11:40,436 --> 00:11:43,955
What we do is we all lie on the floor,
and then take turns to roll over each other.
200
00:11:43,956 --> 00:11:45,276
Pick a partner.
201
00:11:52,316 --> 00:11:53,556
I'll take Joe.
202
00:11:59,796 --> 00:12:02,916
When you're ready, just over you go.
203
00:12:05,956 --> 00:12:07,276
Nearly there, big guy...
204
00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:12,036
Oh, my back!
205
00:12:13,596 --> 00:12:15,155
Argh!
206
00:12:15,156 --> 00:12:16,555
Rem Dogg!
207
00:12:16,556 --> 00:12:18,995
Is it my go, sir? No, no...
208
00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:20,435
Trust me, sir!
209
00:12:20,436 --> 00:12:21,955
Where are you going?
210
00:12:21,956 --> 00:12:23,236
Trust me!
211
00:12:26,676 --> 00:12:27,955
Hello.
212
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:30,876
Er,
we were just doing a trust exercise.
213
00:12:31,996 --> 00:12:33,276
Right.
214
00:12:34,956 --> 00:12:40,315
Er, I was wondering who's coming
on our special outing this evening?
215
00:12:40,316 --> 00:12:43,355
Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask!
216
00:12:43,356 --> 00:12:47,475
Er, guys, do any of you want to go
with Miss Gulliver...
217
00:12:47,476 --> 00:12:49,875
And Mr Wickers. And me...
218
00:12:49,876 --> 00:12:52,956
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
219
00:12:54,436 --> 00:12:55,915
I'm not going tramp-wanking.
220
00:12:55,916 --> 00:12:58,076
Er, there's no wanking involved,
Mitchell.
221
00:12:59,516 --> 00:13:00,595
Is there?
222
00:13:00,596 --> 00:13:02,636
Why would we wank off tramps?
223
00:13:03,596 --> 00:13:06,435
To keep them warm?
224
00:13:06,436 --> 00:13:08,275
Does anyone want to volunteer?
225
00:13:08,276 --> 00:13:11,435
The thing is, Rosie,
er, we're kind of doing this play,
226
00:13:11,436 --> 00:13:13,755
so we don't really have
much spare time.
227
00:13:13,756 --> 00:13:17,715
Plus, I don't speak Scottish,
so me and tramps don't really...
228
00:13:17,716 --> 00:13:19,995
Alfie, I am going to make you
stick to your promise.
229
00:13:19,996 --> 00:13:22,515
Well, I'm sorry,
I have to do this play.
230
00:13:22,516 --> 00:13:24,195
I need to get the governors
back on board.
231
00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:27,716
So I'm afraid on this occasion
I am putting my foot down.
232
00:13:39,436 --> 00:13:40,635
Isn't this fun?
233
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:42,635
Aren't you glad I made you come?
234
00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:44,875
Yeah!
235
00:13:44,876 --> 00:13:46,316
Gie us some Bucky, pal!
236
00:13:47,316 --> 00:13:50,315
Bucky? It's alcohol.
237
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:54,195
Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve
soup in this soup kitchen.
238
00:13:54,196 --> 00:13:56,315
Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard,
239
00:13:56,316 --> 00:13:59,675
gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up
in a ditch, you toff buftie!
240
00:13:59,676 --> 00:14:04,556
OK, is that Scottish for,
"Yes, please, with croutons"?
241
00:14:05,916 --> 00:14:08,075
Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me
whit tae dae!
242
00:14:08,076 --> 00:14:10,115
You're nae the boss o' me,
ya doss radge dug.
243
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,835
Ah, what a lovely doggie!
244
00:14:12,836 --> 00:14:14,395
What's his name?
245
00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:15,596
Er...
246
00:14:16,836 --> 00:14:20,916
"If found, please call 020..."
Och, numbers.
247
00:14:21,836 --> 00:14:23,435
What an odd name to give a dog.
248
00:14:23,436 --> 00:14:25,355
No, no, he's no' mine.
249
00:14:25,356 --> 00:14:28,755
I stole him aff some numpty-heided
bastard who tried tae gie me a doin' in the street.
250
00:14:28,756 --> 00:14:29,915
How awful.
251
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:33,915
Aye, he came at us wi' a stick!
Eh, eh! But I got it off him.
252
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,875
Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney.
253
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:38,796
I'll sell it tae youse if ye like,
yeah, no?
254
00:14:39,876 --> 00:14:41,435
Got these an' all.
255
00:14:41,436 --> 00:14:43,155
Brand-new, like.
256
00:14:43,156 --> 00:14:44,516
Sir!
257
00:14:48,396 --> 00:14:50,436
Aren't tramps lovely?
258
00:14:59,636 --> 00:15:01,595
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want,
a boy or a girl?
259
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,115
Just whatever looks cutest.
260
00:15:03,116 --> 00:15:08,515
But, Robocracker, how can we cure
AIDS with no music to dance to?
261
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:12,796
Never fear, Frank, because I happen
to be best friends with Bono!
262
00:15:14,676 --> 00:15:16,075
And then you hug him.
263
00:15:16,076 --> 00:15:17,595
I'm not hugging any blokes.
264
00:15:17,596 --> 00:15:20,596
Lads, can I gie ye
a wee bit of advice?
265
00:15:21,716 --> 00:15:26,755
Think of yourselves as blank canvases
on to which your characters' motivations are projected,
266
00:15:26,756 --> 00:15:28,075
ye ken what I'm saying?
267
00:15:28,076 --> 00:15:30,755
Sorry, what do you know about drama?
268
00:15:30,756 --> 00:15:33,035
What don't I know about drama, you,
ya jobby-jabber!
269
00:15:33,036 --> 00:15:36,875
Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right,
but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake!
270
00:15:36,876 --> 00:15:40,875
See back in the day, I was one of the
most famous actors in my generation.
271
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:42,235
Really?
272
00:15:42,236 --> 00:15:43,475
You name it, I've done it.
273
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,876
Corporate videos, part in Taggart,
even done a run at the RSC...
274
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:53,396
..and then the work dried up,
worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
275
00:15:54,396 --> 00:15:56,035
I can only imagine what that is.
276
00:15:56,036 --> 00:15:59,435
Aye, Ah hit the Bucky,
Ah hit the wife,
277
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:03,715
Ah hit the streets, living rough,
begging for booze money.
278
00:16:03,716 --> 00:16:06,955
And then, aye,
then things got really bad.
279
00:16:06,956 --> 00:16:09,075
Did you get into heroin?
280
00:16:09,076 --> 00:16:10,755
I got into Hollyoaks.
281
00:16:19,036 --> 00:16:21,555
Ah, Mrs Hegarty. Hi. Good evening.
282
00:16:21,556 --> 00:16:24,235
Ah! Mr Bonehead,
so pleased you could make it.
283
00:16:24,236 --> 00:16:26,875
Where's the bar? I need a drink.
284
00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:29,035
Ah, who invited those guys?
285
00:16:29,036 --> 00:16:31,755
I did. I thought you'd like it.
286
00:16:31,756 --> 00:16:35,275
I get that they're homeless, right,
but they could have made a bit of effort.
287
00:16:35,276 --> 00:16:38,715
That guy over there's not even got
any shoes on.
288
00:16:38,716 --> 00:16:41,155
Now this is what I'm talking about.
289
00:16:41,156 --> 00:16:43,835
A tramp that's made a little bit
of bloody effort.
290
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:50,195
Yeah, sure you've kept the old
clunge sponge, but at least you've found yourself a suit!
291
00:16:50,196 --> 00:16:52,395
You've had a wash.
292
00:16:52,396 --> 00:16:55,235
And... you're a governor.
293
00:16:55,236 --> 00:16:57,115
Mr Hardside.
294
00:16:57,116 --> 00:17:02,716
I've just remembered now...
I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening.
295
00:17:07,596 --> 00:17:09,355
Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick.
296
00:17:09,356 --> 00:17:13,315
How are we going to explain her son's
sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
297
00:17:13,316 --> 00:17:17,675
Our options are: a) Christmas
miracle or two) actually maim Alf.
298
00:17:17,676 --> 00:17:18,875
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
299
00:17:18,876 --> 00:17:21,795
Me Dad's got a load of these left
over from making whiplash claims.
300
00:17:21,796 --> 00:17:23,755
He's saving up for a car.
Brill-cream!
301
00:17:23,756 --> 00:17:25,156
Mr Wickers! Go!
302
00:17:26,116 --> 00:17:29,635
We need to get everyone inside. Alf,
quickly, you need to put this on.
303
00:17:29,636 --> 00:17:31,115
Elf 'n' safety!
304
00:17:31,116 --> 00:17:32,475
Get it?
305
00:17:32,476 --> 00:17:35,196
But seriously, narrators
can get hurt doing all that reading.
306
00:17:37,636 --> 00:17:38,876
Argh!
307
00:17:43,836 --> 00:17:47,956
God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar.
308
00:17:49,036 --> 00:17:54,555
Arsene Wenger,
balls-bis hiya waya!
309
00:17:54,556 --> 00:17:59,235
Little bit of housekeeping, this
school does have toilet facilities.
310
00:17:59,236 --> 00:18:03,276
That one was mainly aimed
at the gentleman at the back. I can see you.
311
00:18:04,236 --> 00:18:05,675
Get tae fuck!
312
00:18:05,676 --> 00:18:07,795
And a very merry Christmas to you,
sir.
313
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:09,515
Over to you, Mr Wickers.
314
00:18:09,516 --> 00:18:10,876
Drop it like it's hot.
315
00:18:15,436 --> 00:18:17,795
It was the night before Christmas
316
00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:23,915
and all through the house not a creature
was stirring, not even a mouse.
317
00:18:23,916 --> 00:18:25,635
Oh, get off me, you bell-end!
318
00:18:25,636 --> 00:18:30,115
Our hero is Frank,
a ten-year-old boy.
319
00:18:30,116 --> 00:18:32,395
Why aren't you wearing your costume?
320
00:18:32,396 --> 00:18:34,755
I'm not wearing tights, man.
321
00:18:34,756 --> 00:18:40,075
Oh! Frank's parents are poor,
no presents today,
322
00:18:40,076 --> 00:18:42,435
unless... hark!
323
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:47,795
What is this? It is Santa
with reindeer and sleigh!
324
00:18:47,796 --> 00:18:49,635
"Ho ho ho!
325
00:18:49,636 --> 00:18:53,755
"I'll fetch Frank's presents,"
Santa did say,
326
00:18:53,756 --> 00:18:57,676
as he stroked on his beard
and got out of his sleigh.
327
00:18:58,956 --> 00:19:01,195
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead!
328
00:19:01,196 --> 00:19:07,395
As one of his reindeer went to
fetch the present whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh.
329
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:08,955
Let me out.
330
00:19:08,956 --> 00:19:12,235
I can't breathe!
Day turned to night.
331
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:14,636
And then night turned to day.
332
00:19:15,676 --> 00:19:17,915
Why did I bother getting out of bed?
333
00:19:17,916 --> 00:19:21,315
Frank did say, very loudly.
334
00:19:21,316 --> 00:19:23,035
Let me out! This is shite!
335
00:19:23,036 --> 00:19:24,196
What did you say?
336
00:19:26,236 --> 00:19:28,635
But under the tree...
I can't breathe!
337
00:19:28,636 --> 00:19:30,155
..What's this that Frank spies!
338
00:19:30,156 --> 00:19:32,115
It's Robocracker.
339
00:19:32,116 --> 00:19:34,156
Frank can't believe his eyes!
340
00:19:37,596 --> 00:19:39,035
Are you all right?
341
00:19:39,036 --> 00:19:40,875
I couldn't breathe in that box!
342
00:19:40,876 --> 00:19:44,595
Frank makes a wish
that Santa does hear,
343
00:19:44,596 --> 00:19:47,435
"Make this doll come to life
344
00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:51,875
"and I'll stop drinking beer
behind the bike sheds
345
00:19:51,876 --> 00:19:54,155
"and being a massive bully
346
00:19:54,156 --> 00:19:57,995
"and constantly going on about
how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school."
347
00:19:57,996 --> 00:20:02,835
FYI the only person that's ever touched my
bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once,
348
00:20:02,836 --> 00:20:04,916
when we were at the Eden Project,
this one time.
349
00:20:06,356 --> 00:20:07,475
Gay!
350
00:20:07,476 --> 00:20:09,796
Mitchell,
you can't heckle your own show.
351
00:20:11,236 --> 00:20:18,595
Frank and his friend set out on a
quest, until they'd helped everyone, they would not rest.
352
00:20:18,596 --> 00:20:20,475
Who wrote this shite?
353
00:20:20,476 --> 00:20:23,596
I've seen jobbies come out of my arse
with better structure than this.
354
00:20:26,676 --> 00:20:28,035
Argh!
355
00:20:28,036 --> 00:20:30,635
No! This is my solo.
356
00:20:30,636 --> 00:20:32,915
I can't see anything
in this stupid helmet! Oi, sir!
357
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:34,435
Mitchell, come here!
358
00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:37,075
It's so unprofessional.
Pull your trousers up!
359
00:20:37,076 --> 00:20:38,475
Get off!
360
00:20:38,476 --> 00:20:40,075
Mitchell, stop it!
361
00:20:40,076 --> 00:20:42,156
Get off. You idiot!
362
00:20:44,916 --> 00:20:45,956
Interval!
363
00:20:48,396 --> 00:20:50,995
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem...
364
00:20:50,996 --> 00:20:53,915
I called shotgun on the Holy Land,
you wanktard.
365
00:20:53,916 --> 00:20:56,275
Oh, do one!
Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
366
00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:57,795
I'm going to pin you down
and teabag ya.
367
00:20:57,796 --> 00:20:59,355
Come on, get the cogs in here.
368
00:20:59,356 --> 00:21:00,395
Not even in the script.
369
00:21:00,396 --> 00:21:02,355
But here comes Robocracker.
370
00:21:02,356 --> 00:21:07,075
He has an idea of a neutral shared
city in a two-state solution,
371
00:21:07,076 --> 00:21:11,915
which he will explain through
the medium of expressive dance.
372
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:17,555
That's right.
373
00:21:17,556 --> 00:21:21,835
It's now time
for the Tolerance Dance!
374
00:21:51,196 --> 00:21:54,315
Yeah, Robocracker brings
everyone together.
375
00:21:54,316 --> 00:21:56,035
It's a miracle!
376
00:21:56,036 --> 00:21:58,116
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
377
00:22:05,356 --> 00:22:06,676
It's a miracle!
378
00:22:15,756 --> 00:22:19,955
They've put an end to heartache
and loss,
379
00:22:19,956 --> 00:22:24,475
but now our brave pair
must take on the boss.
380
00:22:24,476 --> 00:22:27,075
I'll get you, Robocracker!
381
00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:30,636
No, you shan't for I am a real boy!
382
00:22:51,076 --> 00:22:53,275
Where is my Romeo?
383
00:22:53,276 --> 00:22:56,796
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
384
00:22:58,596 --> 00:23:01,635
I will kiss thy lips...
385
00:23:01,636 --> 00:23:04,676
happily some poison
yet doth hang on them.
386
00:23:07,116 --> 00:23:08,876
Thy lips are warm.
387
00:23:11,316 --> 00:23:13,955
Let me die!
388
00:23:13,956 --> 00:23:16,995
Alas there's no hope, no treatment,
389
00:23:16,996 --> 00:23:23,356
no drug, as Robo's life fades away,
Frank bids adieu with a hu...
390
00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:29,956
Hug!
391
00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:32,796
In the script it says hug.
392
00:23:36,516 --> 00:23:37,955
But what's this?
393
00:23:37,956 --> 00:23:44,756
Robocracker has been reincarnated
and finally he's a real boy!
394
00:23:46,156 --> 00:23:47,836
The end!
395
00:24:10,156 --> 00:24:12,155
Come on, you lot. Out you get.
396
00:24:12,156 --> 00:24:14,316
Haven't you got homes to go to?
397
00:24:19,596 --> 00:24:21,115
Well done.
398
00:24:21,116 --> 00:24:22,596
Oh, thank you.
399
00:24:23,876 --> 00:24:25,555
Fair do's.
400
00:24:25,556 --> 00:24:27,355
Your narrative arc was engaging,
401
00:24:27,356 --> 00:24:31,795
but the pleasurable representations
dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing
402
00:24:31,796 --> 00:24:34,475
that they are portraying. You know
what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite?
403
00:24:34,476 --> 00:24:36,556
Oh, I'll bear that in mind
for next time.
404
00:24:38,916 --> 00:24:42,635
My brave little baby!
405
00:24:42,636 --> 00:24:43,876
Mummy.
406
00:24:44,956 --> 00:24:47,075
I can't believe you came.
407
00:24:47,076 --> 00:24:50,715
We came as soon as we heard
about the accident.
408
00:24:50,716 --> 00:24:52,555
The accident? Me...
409
00:24:52,556 --> 00:24:58,275
..forgetting to put her invite in
the fricking post, that accident!
410
00:24:58,276 --> 00:25:02,235
You invited my mum?
Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea.
411
00:25:02,236 --> 00:25:04,595
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
412
00:25:04,596 --> 00:25:07,995
And Uncle Javier is here too!
413
00:25:07,996 --> 00:25:10,435
Great, Uncle Javier.
414
00:25:10,436 --> 00:25:12,596
I've really missed him.
415
00:25:15,036 --> 00:25:17,955
Oh, me valiente hombre.
416
00:25:17,956 --> 00:25:21,955
Alfie,
Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
417
00:25:21,956 --> 00:25:25,716
We're going to find the men who put you in
this chair, and we're going to make them pay.
418
00:25:28,076 --> 00:25:31,035
Can someone stop Fernando Torres
trying' to bum me?
419
00:25:31,036 --> 00:25:33,276
Javier, that's not Alfie.
420
00:25:38,796 --> 00:25:40,875
This is... Hi.
421
00:25:40,876 --> 00:25:42,675
Hey.
422
00:25:42,676 --> 00:25:44,155
I knew it.
423
00:25:44,156 --> 00:25:45,675
It was a little joke.
424
00:25:45,676 --> 00:25:52,235
Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl
I've been telling you about.
425
00:25:52,236 --> 00:25:53,355
Rosie.
426
00:25:53,356 --> 00:25:55,436
It's so nice to meet you.
427
00:26:01,796 --> 00:26:03,675
So will you be staying
for Christmas?
428
00:26:03,676 --> 00:26:09,435
We are going to stay
until little Alfie is better.
429
00:26:09,436 --> 00:26:13,355
We better head to Alfie's classroom
for Christmas dinner!
430
00:26:13,356 --> 00:26:15,356
Who wants turkey!
431
00:26:22,956 --> 00:26:25,076
So did you get the West Ham ticket?
432
00:26:26,036 --> 00:26:27,956
Oh, you got me that?
433
00:26:28,956 --> 00:26:31,035
So do you want to go?
434
00:26:31,036 --> 00:26:32,515
All right, yeah.
435
00:26:32,516 --> 00:26:36,115
I mean, it don't mean nothing
or, like, whatever...
436
00:26:36,116 --> 00:26:37,676
You can give up that act now, babes.
437
00:26:39,676 --> 00:26:41,555
Guess what I done with them crackers?
What?
438
00:26:41,556 --> 00:26:43,195
Swapped the jokes.
439
00:26:43,196 --> 00:26:44,715
Here's one for you.
440
00:26:44,716 --> 00:26:47,196
What do nine out of ten people
enjoy?
441
00:26:48,676 --> 00:26:49,996
Gang ra...
442
00:26:52,196 --> 00:26:53,876
Rawr!
443
00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:57,676
An impression of a lion.
444
00:27:00,796 --> 00:27:02,755
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
445
00:27:02,756 --> 00:27:07,235
Er, just going to go down the hallway
to only use your lavatory.
446
00:27:07,236 --> 00:27:10,236
Er, so, thank youse.
447
00:27:13,756 --> 00:27:17,955
Aw, Bonehead's got his life back
on track.
448
00:27:17,956 --> 00:27:20,276
Your play really helped him.
449
00:27:21,236 --> 00:27:24,996
I just think it's great that we've been
able to show him the bigger picture. Mmm.
450
00:27:26,276 --> 00:27:30,035
Oh, I got you
a tiny silly little present thing.
451
00:27:30,036 --> 00:27:32,955
Mitchell,
how's that donkey coming along?
452
00:27:32,956 --> 00:27:34,835
It arrived from Romania
about an hour ago.
453
00:27:34,836 --> 00:27:36,115
Oh, amazing.
454
00:27:36,116 --> 00:27:39,035
Have you got the certificate?
What certificate?
455
00:27:39,036 --> 00:27:41,675
Right, here's half the donkey.
456
00:27:41,676 --> 00:27:43,476
The rest I gave to the kitchens.
457
00:27:44,836 --> 00:27:46,475
I figured you couldn't eat it all.
458
00:27:46,476 --> 00:27:50,436
Alfredo, this meat is lovely!
It's so bloody moist!
459
00:28:00,196 --> 00:28:02,995
B-Buble!
460
00:28:02,996 --> 00:28:06,156
Does this mean we can listen to it
every day until Christmas?
461
00:28:07,196 --> 00:28:09,315
I guess I must really love you.
462
00:28:23,156 --> 00:28:25,116
Sir's got a boner!
463
00:28:26,756 --> 00:28:28,156
Mitchell!
464
00:28:28,181 --> 00:28:30,181
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465
00:28:30,231 --> 00:28:34,781
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