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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,220 --> 00:00:02,740 ("Jah No Partial" by Major Lazer plays) 2 00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:10,700 Look, I know how much you hate the idea of Celia and I being an item. 3 00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:12,740 It was moment of madness. 4 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:16,180 One too many glasses of rose, the red mist descends and, 5 00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:20,340 before you know it, you're giving an old friend a... knee-trembler. 6 00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:22,940 Right, stop the car. 7 00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:24,740 Pull over. 8 00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:30,020 I miss the touch of a woman, Alf. Celia made me feel so alive. 9 00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:33,100 Her eyes, her touch, her musk. 10 00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:35,860 If it's any consolation, it didn't last long. 11 00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:39,540 She gave my prostate the once-over. Apparently, it's tip-top. 12 00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:14,500 Hey, Rosie! I, er, got you a little present. 13 00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,220 Oh, friendship bracelet? 14 00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:17,820 It's just a silly little thing, 15 00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,900 to remind you that I'll always be here for you, 16 00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:22,260 no matter what, for ever more. 17 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,420 It's no biggie. 18 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,620 You cut it off, I die. 19 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,180 Thanks. 20 00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,660 Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counsellor a lift, 21 00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,820 and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan. 22 00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:38,780 It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day! 23 00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:42,220 Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out. 24 00:01:42,260 --> 00:01:45,020 Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs... 25 00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:46,860 Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore. 26 00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,980 Leave it to the most senior member of staff. 27 00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:51,380 No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules, 28 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:53,260 and the Taliban, and the US government... 29 00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,220 Woo, yeah! You go, sister! 30 00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:57,260 I blame Starbucks. Mmm. 31 00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,420 No, Israel. 32 00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:02,020 Lizards? 33 00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:05,260 Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break. 34 00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,180 Read a fashion magazine. 35 00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:10,340 Flesh tones can be so brutally honest. 36 00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:15,660 I am fully equipped to give this talk. 37 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:18,420 Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these... 38 00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:20,580 It's a talk, Celia, not Customs. 39 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,980 Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste. 40 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,580 Alfred, I've already given your father's a once-over, 41 00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:30,300 would you like me to test your prostate? 42 00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:40,540 What's happened? 43 00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:41,740 It's his parents. 44 00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:44,020 They're taking me away from Abbey Grove. 45 00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,900 They say it's not academical enough. 46 00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:48,700 What? You... you can't leave! 47 00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:50,940 Have your parents even seen the league tables? 48 00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:52,900 What, the league tables in which we're ranked 49 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,820 below two orphanages and a kennels? 50 00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:57,340 They want me to become some boring lawyer. 51 00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,940 Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo? 52 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,860 Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex, and I reckon I've got 53 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:06,460 just about enough time to seduce her before she remembers her self-worth. 54 00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,460 Going to give her a knob to cry on, sir? Oh, no, sorry, Mitchell. 55 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,900 I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight. 56 00:03:11,940 --> 00:03:13,220 Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver 57 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,220 to persuade my parents to let me stay here? 58 00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,060 Er, why can't I persuade them? 59 00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,820 Cos you'll mess it up, sir. But I'm great with parents! 60 00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,780 Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off. 61 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,380 Yeah. And I bow. Respectful. 62 00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:30,020 Oh, xie xie. Ni hao. 63 00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,900 When my mum came in to talk about me bunking off school, 64 00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:34,940 you asked her if you could use a clamp. 65 00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:37,860 Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts. 66 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,060 But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive. 67 00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:41,300 Persuasive? 68 00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,900 Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be inspired to be a lawyer, 69 00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:45,420 look no further, my friend. 70 00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:49,140 Last year I took on BP, only one of the world's largest corporations, 71 00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:52,060 and I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law. 72 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,140 How much did you win? Well, I didn't win any actual money, 73 00:03:55,180 --> 00:03:58,180 but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring? 74 00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:01,620 They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine which reads, 75 00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:04,780 "Please do not drink directly from the nozzle." 76 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:12,260 So, my place tonight, hang out, listen to a bit of reggae music? 77 00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,620 You don't like reggae. 78 00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:15,740 Er, Ollie Murs? 79 00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:18,620 Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet. 80 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:21,500 I wasn't asking you out! 81 00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:23,900 Hey, if you need any help with your presentation, 82 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,353 don't be afraid to ask, 83 00:04:25,393 --> 00:04:29,294 cos, obviously, I know quite a lot about drugs. 84 00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:33,193 You took one anti-depressant when you heard that 5ive had broken up. 85 00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:34,825 5ive'll make you get down. 86 00:04:34,865 --> 00:04:37,889 Yeah, well, you're still not that qualified. Oh, really? 87 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:41,908 My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den. 88 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:45,172 You don't get a den for poppers. Well, that shows how much you know. 89 00:04:45,212 --> 00:04:47,958 All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers 90 00:04:47,998 --> 00:04:50,425 by sitting on these big rubber needles. 91 00:04:50,465 --> 00:04:52,654 Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it. 92 00:04:52,694 --> 00:04:55,917 You know what they say, once you pop you just can't stop. 93 00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,238 So if you, er, change your mind about tonight...? 94 00:05:01,278 --> 00:05:03,038 I won't. Well, you might. 95 00:05:03,078 --> 00:05:05,518 I absolutely won't. Absolutely might. 96 00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:12,035 OK, guys, so there's going to be no history class today. 97 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,634 I'm going to do my drugs presentation, 98 00:05:15,675 --> 00:05:18,393 followed by a question and answer. I got a question, Miss. Yep? 99 00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:21,793 Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh? 100 00:05:21,833 --> 00:05:24,071 Yep. I sincerely doubt it. 101 00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:26,791 Oh, man! Does anyone want some Femfresh? 102 00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:28,310 Oh, yeah. I'll take it. 103 00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:30,351 My flat gets really smelly. 104 00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,150 Do you even know what Femfresh is? 105 00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:34,148 It's... like Febreze, right? 106 00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:36,309 Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice! 107 00:05:37,908 --> 00:05:42,307 OK, guys. OK, calm down. That's enough. 108 00:05:47,946 --> 00:05:51,864 Now, can anyone ima... 109 00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:57,183 imagine how hard life must be for Maria, 110 00:05:57,222 --> 00:05:59,663 a drug mule from Mexico? 111 00:05:59,702 --> 00:06:01,062 Whoa, yeah! 112 00:06:01,102 --> 00:06:03,021 If I was eating Mexican food every day, 113 00:06:03,061 --> 00:06:05,421 I don't think I'd be able to keep ANYTHING in my ass. 114 00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,300 What do people like Maria need? 115 00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:12,179 Hair straighteners? Look at the split ends on that! 116 00:06:12,219 --> 00:06:15,019 True dat. And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash. 117 00:06:15,059 --> 00:06:16,418 No, no. 118 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:19,457 What people like Maria need is our respect. 119 00:06:19,497 --> 00:06:22,056 Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted. 120 00:06:22,096 --> 00:06:24,815 Your drugs counsellor... has arrived! 121 00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:27,975 Oh, no, no, no, no, cos I'm in the middle of my drugs talk. 122 00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:29,333 Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G, 123 00:06:29,374 --> 00:06:31,534 but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve! 124 00:06:31,574 --> 00:06:33,293 Guys, meet India. 125 00:06:40,770 --> 00:06:42,370 Namaste. 126 00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:44,570 I'm India. 127 00:06:44,610 --> 00:06:46,890 Hi. Alfie. 128 00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:49,849 Teacher, leader... 129 00:06:49,889 --> 00:06:51,209 legend. 130 00:06:52,288 --> 00:06:53,887 India, you say? 131 00:06:53,928 --> 00:06:55,768 Land of the pyramids. 132 00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:57,927 I'm something of a sphinx-er myself. 133 00:06:57,966 --> 00:07:00,285 Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'? 134 00:07:00,325 --> 00:07:03,725 OK, so I cotch for the drugs counselling service 135 00:07:03,765 --> 00:07:05,484 called Vibesline. 136 00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:06,963 We're an advice pipeline 137 00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:10,003 you can use to freebase non-judgmental advice... 138 00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:12,843 I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl? 139 00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:16,921 Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch. 140 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,760 Basically, if it's vibesing, 141 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,280 chillax and ride the wave. 142 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,759 She calls me that, too. 143 00:07:25,799 --> 00:07:29,398 It's Chinese for "leader of the blind," 144 00:07:29,437 --> 00:07:32,077 "up the great mountain of wisdom." 145 00:07:32,117 --> 00:07:35,476 Sort of... roughly. 146 00:07:35,517 --> 00:07:39,875 Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs. 147 00:07:50,593 --> 00:07:53,190 OK, yah! You're having a massive night! 148 00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:57,430 The sun is coming up! You are totally chunged. 149 00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,226 But the good times are over. 150 00:08:13,266 --> 00:08:15,906 Now we have to deal with the terrible consequences 151 00:08:15,946 --> 00:08:17,385 of substance abuse. 152 00:08:18,905 --> 00:08:22,144 You can't find your Oyster card. It's a long walk back to Chiswick. 153 00:08:22,183 --> 00:08:23,582 (Where's Chiswick?) 154 00:08:23,623 --> 00:08:26,983 You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will. 155 00:08:27,023 --> 00:08:29,863 That is 45 minutes looking for it on your hands and knees, 156 00:08:29,902 --> 00:08:31,581 using your phone as a torch. 157 00:08:31,621 --> 00:08:33,140 And you... 158 00:08:33,181 --> 00:08:36,219 you kissed the guy who runs the deli you go into every day. 159 00:08:36,259 --> 00:08:38,779 Fraser, this is nonsense. 160 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,538 Nonsense? 161 00:08:40,578 --> 00:08:43,337 Mmm. FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE. 162 00:08:43,378 --> 00:08:44,818 Sorry, "negatude"? 163 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,296 "Negative attitude." It's a mashup. 164 00:08:47,337 --> 00:08:49,376 Yeah, it's a mashup. 165 00:08:49,417 --> 00:08:51,615 Get with the times, Marple. 166 00:08:57,615 --> 00:08:59,934 That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. 167 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,973 I actually thought India was kinda good. 168 00:09:02,013 --> 00:09:04,533 I'm talking about you. "Teacher, leader, legend." 169 00:09:04,572 --> 00:09:09,172 Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary". Look, I just... got into her vibe. 170 00:09:09,211 --> 00:09:11,651 I know exactly what you want to get into. 171 00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:15,050 Are you jealous? Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"? 172 00:09:15,089 --> 00:09:17,169 You sound JELICULOUS. 173 00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:20,409 "Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup. 174 00:09:20,449 --> 00:09:24,487 You should stop doing that. You're beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT. 175 00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:29,486 Oh, that is so uncalled-for! 176 00:09:29,526 --> 00:09:30,965 Hey! 177 00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,605 Oh, soz, bit of a domestic? 178 00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:35,124 A domestic? No, we're not a couple. 179 00:09:35,164 --> 00:09:37,363 No, don't worry, I'm single. 180 00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:40,683 I'm young, dumb and full of com... 181 00:09:40,723 --> 00:09:42,642 ...fortable silences. 182 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,922 Do you want to hit the canteen, maybe? 183 00:09:44,962 --> 00:09:47,000 Oh, it's pathetic. 184 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,840 Come on, let's go and have a "lovely lunch", 185 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,919 a LUNCH... 186 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:56,958 It... it was meant to be a mashup... 187 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,678 It's OK. OK. 188 00:10:02,317 --> 00:10:04,316 Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard. 189 00:10:04,357 --> 00:10:07,635 Things got pretty messy in Ibiza. Which club? 190 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,434 Club Med. I went on the water slides straight after lunch. 191 00:10:10,474 --> 00:10:12,235 My dad went ballistic. 192 00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:14,873 That was one frosty pedalo home. 193 00:10:19,512 --> 00:10:21,871 My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir, 194 00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:24,670 they only want to talk to you. Very sensible. 195 00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,430 Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow? 196 00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:30,308 Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove! 197 00:10:31,829 --> 00:10:33,828 Oh, 'scuse me. 198 00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:40,427 I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me! 199 00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:41,746 What a slut. 200 00:10:41,787 --> 00:10:44,746 Everything that I love is being torn away from me. 201 00:10:44,786 --> 00:10:46,105 And I appreciate that. 202 00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:49,864 It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block. 203 00:10:49,904 --> 00:10:52,382 Look, I'll call your dad as soon as lunch is over. 204 00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:54,663 I promise you, I won't let him take you away. 205 00:10:54,703 --> 00:10:56,102 Come on, babes. 206 00:10:57,622 --> 00:10:58,942 Yep. 207 00:11:00,342 --> 00:11:02,621 OK, so that was my mate, Savannah. 208 00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:07,140 Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight. 209 00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:08,819 This guy called Ben Grayson runs it... 210 00:11:08,859 --> 00:11:11,579 Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school. 211 00:11:11,619 --> 00:11:13,218 Can you get us on the guest list? 212 00:11:13,258 --> 00:11:14,577 Us? 213 00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:16,577 What, like we're on a date? 214 00:11:16,617 --> 00:11:19,975 Well... why not? 215 00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:23,375 Well, yeah! I'll give him a call now. 216 00:11:26,654 --> 00:11:28,414 Oh, answerphone. 217 00:11:28,453 --> 00:11:31,013 Yo, Frankenstein! 218 00:11:31,053 --> 00:11:35,332 Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here, Wicky-wicky-wickers... 219 00:11:35,372 --> 00:11:37,851 Um, I was just wondering, bro, whether there was any chance 220 00:11:37,891 --> 00:11:41,089 I could just bum a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age? 221 00:11:41,130 --> 00:11:42,969 (Guest list.) Guest list-age? 222 00:11:43,010 --> 00:11:44,489 Anyway, give me a bell back, bro. 223 00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:47,448 Laters. Love you. I don't love you. 224 00:11:47,488 --> 00:11:48,967 Bye. 225 00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:52,168 So, if... if we go to this rave tonight, 226 00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:56,846 are you going to take anything, to like, you know, help you through? 227 00:11:56,886 --> 00:11:59,886 Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn, 228 00:11:59,925 --> 00:12:02,366 I will probably need to take my supportive insoles. 229 00:12:02,405 --> 00:12:05,164 No, no. 230 00:12:05,204 --> 00:12:06,843 (Drugs.) 231 00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:10,482 But I thought you were clean? 232 00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:11,841 Only 9-5. 233 00:12:13,481 --> 00:12:18,361 If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy. 234 00:12:18,401 --> 00:12:20,360 Oh, they're going to get messy. 235 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,039 I'll probably cover myself in... shit. 236 00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:30,877 My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right, 237 00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,676 which made her think she could freeze time 238 00:12:32,717 --> 00:12:35,315 and lick it like a lolly. 239 00:12:35,356 --> 00:12:36,955 Sure, that's, erm... 240 00:12:43,273 --> 00:12:44,952 ...dirty... 241 00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:46,552 Viennetta. 242 00:12:46,592 --> 00:12:49,271 It's like getting a hand-job off Aslan. 243 00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:51,871 Can you get some for tonight? Hell, yeah. 244 00:12:51,911 --> 00:12:54,350 Me, you, Havana, 245 00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:58,030 Ugly and Cous Cous are going to get absolutely mashed. 246 00:13:00,629 --> 00:13:02,388 Is that Frank? Amazing! 247 00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,308 Yo! What's up, motherlover? 248 00:13:04,349 --> 00:13:06,547 I cannot wait to get into yo' club, 249 00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,787 bang some drugs, shake my... 250 00:13:08,827 --> 00:13:11,066 jugs. 251 00:13:11,106 --> 00:13:12,745 Oh... 252 00:13:12,785 --> 00:13:14,585 Mr Carmichael. 253 00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:18,104 Er, no, Stephen did not mention that you were going to call me directly. 254 00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:20,903 (I'll be a sec.) I'm so sorry about that... 255 00:13:28,661 --> 00:13:30,461 Yo, what's happening? 256 00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:33,341 Did you, er, get my message about the guest list? 257 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:36,420 20 quid a bloke. Women go free. 258 00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:40,018 Well, it's, er, me and my sexy date, so... 259 00:13:40,058 --> 00:13:41,577 Well, that's 40 quid, then. 260 00:13:41,618 --> 00:13:43,377 Yep. My date's a woman. 261 00:13:44,937 --> 00:13:48,456 If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession. 262 00:13:50,576 --> 00:13:56,415 Also, er, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight... 263 00:13:56,455 --> 00:13:58,773 Well, make sure he knows the safe word. 264 00:13:58,812 --> 00:14:01,173 And I've heard you don't want to pull it out too quickly. 265 00:14:01,213 --> 00:14:02,852 I'm talking about drugs. 266 00:14:02,892 --> 00:14:05,771 Apparently, this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream? 267 00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,810 Yeah. 50 quid a scoop. 268 00:14:07,851 --> 00:14:09,130 Done. 269 00:14:13,849 --> 00:14:16,448 Did you just ask me to buy you drugs? 270 00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:18,608 Yeah, well, obviously. 271 00:14:19,887 --> 00:14:21,448 Oh, God. 272 00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,487 You're blackmailing me, aren't you? Mmm. Yeah. 273 00:14:26,006 --> 00:14:29,244 What do you mean, none of you sell drugs? 274 00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,764 All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you. 275 00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,443 Why do you need drugs, anyway? 276 00:14:34,484 --> 00:14:37,803 Because I'm going on a date with India. Why can't you just buy 'em yourself? 277 00:14:37,842 --> 00:14:39,763 Er, because, A, I'm a teacher, 278 00:14:39,803 --> 00:14:42,001 B, Grayson stole all of my money, 279 00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:44,881 and, C, I made the drug up in the first place, 280 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,319 so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound? 281 00:14:48,359 --> 00:14:50,759 Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad...? 282 00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,599 Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry. 283 00:14:52,638 --> 00:14:56,398 I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing. 284 00:14:56,438 --> 00:15:00,157 Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to.. Chantelle, please. I must insist. 285 00:15:00,196 --> 00:15:01,837 This is my thinking face. 286 00:15:01,876 --> 00:15:03,436 That's why she didn't recognise it. 287 00:15:07,795 --> 00:15:09,554 Oh, boom squared! 288 00:15:09,593 --> 00:15:11,433 Do you know what face this is Chantelle? 289 00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:13,633 Is it your come... Don't even say that. 290 00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:16,272 This is my "had a brilliant idea" face. 291 00:15:16,313 --> 00:15:20,472 If I can't buy the drug, I'm going to make the drug. 292 00:15:20,512 --> 00:15:21,911 Are you mad? 293 00:15:21,951 --> 00:15:25,670 Come on. Drugs must be easy to invent. Look at meow meow. 294 00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:29,589 That's fertiliser. It's just someone getting peckish in a garden centre. 295 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,909 Mitchell, you must know something about drugs? 296 00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:34,267 Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison, 297 00:15:34,307 --> 00:15:35,907 he come back speaking fluent Scouse. 298 00:15:35,946 --> 00:15:39,427 All right. Well, you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia. 299 00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:43,145 Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect... 300 00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:44,783 Jing? No way. 301 00:15:44,825 --> 00:15:49,424 What if I told you that this counted towards the community service element 302 00:15:49,464 --> 00:15:51,222 of your Duke of Edinburgh Award? 303 00:15:52,782 --> 00:15:55,182 It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass. 304 00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,980 Fine. Yes! 305 00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,980 Sir, Professor Green wants to see you. 306 00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:05,939 Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that. 307 00:16:05,979 --> 00:16:08,459 No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that! 308 00:16:08,498 --> 00:16:12,056 I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes. Can you come back, please?! 309 00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:16,615 Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred? 310 00:16:16,655 --> 00:16:18,376 Hmm... No. 311 00:16:18,416 --> 00:16:20,815 I saw you talking to Mr Grayson earlier. 312 00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:23,653 Money exchanging hands. 313 00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:27,373 I may look like a girl of 16... 314 00:16:27,413 --> 00:16:30,932 But I'm not a fool. I was buying tickets to a rave. 315 00:16:30,972 --> 00:16:32,772 Big deal. 316 00:16:32,812 --> 00:16:35,930 Alfred, I, too, have an addictive personality. 317 00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:37,931 Your father... 318 00:16:37,970 --> 00:16:39,970 I crave Martin Wickers. 319 00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:43,089 I want to... 320 00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:45,368 inhale him, snort him, 321 00:16:45,408 --> 00:16:49,367 feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me. 322 00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:52,286 I'll help you with your problem. 323 00:16:52,326 --> 00:16:54,085 You help me with your father. 324 00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:58,125 There is absolutely no way on earth I would ever let my dad go out with you. 325 00:16:59,924 --> 00:17:03,044 And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear? 326 00:17:03,084 --> 00:17:06,162 A deceitful, drug-addled son, 327 00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:11,121 or the woman who's trying so hard to help? 328 00:17:11,161 --> 00:17:14,321 Look, you better get this into your stupid, bunny boiling, 329 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,799 hobbity little head - I don't do drugs, OK? 330 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,839 You're either with me, or against me. 331 00:17:21,879 --> 00:17:24,318 # We live life on the back of this melody 332 00:17:24,357 --> 00:17:26,717 # Me and my friends spent life in plastic 333 00:17:26,757 --> 00:17:29,157 # Brand-new times and brand-new happenings 334 00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:31,675 # We get up to all kind of antics 335 00:17:31,715 --> 00:17:34,275 # There's another one That's classic 336 00:17:34,315 --> 00:17:36,595 # That's classic That's classic 337 00:17:36,635 --> 00:17:38,914 # There's another one That's classic 338 00:17:38,954 --> 00:17:41,552 # We get up to all kind of antics 339 00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:44,032 # There's another one That's classic 340 00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,870 # What you saying. Check. That's classic. 341 00:17:49,911 --> 00:17:51,750 Oh, it smells disgusting! 342 00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:53,430 She's never going to swallow that. 343 00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:56,709 I could lower the pH down by neutralising the carbon substrate. 344 00:17:56,748 --> 00:17:58,269 I've got a better idea. 345 00:17:59,949 --> 00:18:01,268 Behold! 346 00:18:01,308 --> 00:18:03,147 Dirty Viennetta! 347 00:18:03,187 --> 00:18:05,747 Why do I bother? 348 00:18:05,787 --> 00:18:08,427 Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that? 349 00:18:08,466 --> 00:18:12,344 This, my old friend, is the new legal high, 350 00:18:12,386 --> 00:18:14,664 that all the kids are talking about. 351 00:18:14,704 --> 00:18:17,543 Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children? 352 00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:19,182 Oh, God, here we go again. 353 00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,622 Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time? 354 00:18:21,662 --> 00:18:25,341 Page 20,000, rule 3 million, subsection B, 355 00:18:25,381 --> 00:18:28,700 "Do not involve the children in the production of narcotics"? 356 00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,940 Do you realise how irresponsible you're being? 357 00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:33,180 Babe, you really need to chill out. 358 00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:35,338 Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book. 359 00:18:35,378 --> 00:18:38,137 OK, and what book is that? Fifty Shades Of Bitch? 360 00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:39,937 The Great Twatsby? 361 00:18:39,977 --> 00:18:42,535 The... The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A... 362 00:18:42,576 --> 00:18:44,576 Cod-Bohemian Dipshit? 363 00:18:44,616 --> 00:18:47,495 OK, obviously the last of those is not a real book. 364 00:18:49,174 --> 00:18:50,535 Is it? 365 00:18:50,574 --> 00:18:53,094 Alfie, you, you have done some crazy stuff in your time.. 366 00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,973 Yeah, like falling in... 367 00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:56,853 fond with you. 368 00:18:58,173 --> 00:19:01,651 Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah? 369 00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:04,451 And with women, just... just be yourself. 370 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,130 Be myself? Yeah. 371 00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:09,450 Great, so you're so jealous that you want me to die a virgin? 372 00:19:11,448 --> 00:19:13,728 Right, Mitchell, I can sense you sniggering. 373 00:19:13,769 --> 00:19:16,248 Room for a little one, Mr Fraser? 374 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,007 Ah! No Mr Fraser here. 375 00:19:18,047 --> 00:19:21,047 I'm Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs bear! 376 00:19:22,526 --> 00:19:24,926 Bear? They didn't have any more bear costumes. 377 00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:29,963 So you're... I'm... Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs prawn! 378 00:19:30,004 --> 00:19:31,564 Conducting a drugs amnesty. 379 00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:33,404 # Under the sea... 380 00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:36,002 I'm here on rather pressing business. 381 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:39,041 There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove who has become the victim 382 00:19:39,081 --> 00:19:40,881 of a craven drug addiction. 383 00:19:40,921 --> 00:19:43,240 If you're talking about me, I've only taken drugs once 384 00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,800 and the ending was not a happy one. 385 00:19:44,839 --> 00:19:46,920 I was weather-guarding some suede slacks 386 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,599 when I took in a lung-full of fumes. 387 00:19:48,639 --> 00:19:51,358 I was completely off my head and thought I could fly. 388 00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:52,638 It was an absolute disaster. 389 00:19:52,679 --> 00:19:55,557 I forgot my passport, then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express. 390 00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:57,916 I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks. 391 00:19:57,956 --> 00:20:00,036 I see I must act alone. 392 00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:01,915 Goodbye, Mr Fraser. 393 00:20:01,954 --> 00:20:04,314 I'll be seein' ya. 394 00:20:06,394 --> 00:20:08,514 Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far. 395 00:20:08,554 --> 00:20:11,953 Oh, are you going to tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done? 396 00:20:11,992 --> 00:20:15,711 Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that Jason Statham would win that Oscar. 397 00:20:15,751 --> 00:20:18,111 Have you SEEN Transporter 3? 398 00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,231 Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right. 399 00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,349 OK, you've got a lot of great qualities, 400 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,708 and if someone can't see that, then they probably don't deserve you. 401 00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:28,589 Yeah, I guess you're right. 402 00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:31,067 What great qualities? 403 00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:33,826 Well, you can speak Elvish. 404 00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:37,067 Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water?" 405 00:20:37,106 --> 00:20:39,505 It's barely restaurant Elf. 406 00:20:39,545 --> 00:20:41,304 Well, I'm impressed. 407 00:20:41,344 --> 00:20:45,384 So, what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am? 408 00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:48,143 That I don't need to do this? 409 00:20:48,183 --> 00:20:51,662 Hey, Albert, you want to hit up some chamomile tea? 410 00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:54,061 Do I? You're teaching us history. 411 00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:58,340 Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up of hostilities prior to the First World War. 412 00:20:58,380 --> 00:21:00,220 Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk. 413 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,579 Shall we? 414 00:21:07,977 --> 00:21:09,897 One Shitty Cornetto. 415 00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:11,336 Dirty Viennetta? 416 00:21:11,376 --> 00:21:13,297 Damn straight. 417 00:21:13,337 --> 00:21:16,335 Jesus! That honks, man. 418 00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:18,294 Yeah, I'm not sure. 419 00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:19,814 How do we know if it's safe...? 420 00:21:19,853 --> 00:21:25,933 Safe? Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long. 421 00:21:27,732 --> 00:21:30,211 Oh, get in my face. 422 00:21:30,251 --> 00:21:33,130 Right. Look, Albert... Alfie. 423 00:21:33,170 --> 00:21:34,649 I'm not sure about this shit. 424 00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:38,090 Babe, we're going to have such a sick night. 425 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,049 Just got to ride the wave, man. 426 00:21:41,089 --> 00:21:42,528 You're just too wild, bro. 427 00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,688 Let's just drop it like it's hot. 428 00:21:50,927 --> 00:21:54,046 Oh, shit, man! 429 00:21:55,685 --> 00:21:59,323 I'm sorry. You chundered on my vintage. Not cool. 430 00:21:59,363 --> 00:22:01,403 "Sick" and "vintage", 431 00:22:01,443 --> 00:22:03,682 SINTAGE. It's a mashup. 432 00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,641 Oh, my God. 433 00:22:08,601 --> 00:22:11,960 Am I wearing a really tight little hat? 434 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:15,319 ("I Feel Free" by Cream plays) 435 00:22:16,678 --> 00:22:21,677 # Feel when I dance with you 436 00:22:21,718 --> 00:22:26,117 # We move like the sea 437 00:22:27,157 --> 00:22:28,876 # You 438 00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:31,555 # You're all I want to know 439 00:22:32,595 --> 00:22:35,914 # I feel free... 440 00:22:37,633 --> 00:22:41,513 # Under the sea Under the sea 441 00:22:41,552 --> 00:22:43,472 # Darling it's better 442 00:22:43,512 --> 00:22:46,111 # Down where it's wetter 443 00:22:46,151 --> 00:22:47,791 # Under the sea... 444 00:22:48,990 --> 00:22:50,670 Oh, my God... 445 00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,789 I'm a mermaid! 446 00:22:57,348 --> 00:22:59,746 Alfie! There's a giant prawn... 447 00:22:59,787 --> 00:23:02,147 I spoke to him in his own fishy language. 448 00:23:02,187 --> 00:23:04,265 Alfie, you might want to come from under there... 449 00:23:04,305 --> 00:23:08,025 Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel. 450 00:23:14,743 --> 00:23:17,982 Officers, this is Mr Wickers. 451 00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:20,502 I'd begun to wonder where you'd got to. 452 00:23:20,542 --> 00:23:21,981 Thank you for covering for me. 453 00:23:22,021 --> 00:23:26,380 OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father 454 00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:28,300 and eloped with an Irishman? 455 00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,620 "Begorrah, to be sure," 456 00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:32,499 "I used to be a chauffeur but now I am a class traitor." 457 00:23:32,539 --> 00:23:34,738 # Diddly dee dee dee dee dee 458 00:23:34,777 --> 00:23:38,177 Who trained this dog to walk underwater? 459 00:23:40,496 --> 00:23:44,736 It must be the work of this hag, Ursula, the sea witch! 460 00:23:47,214 --> 00:23:49,614 Alfie, put the scissors down. Ow! 461 00:23:49,654 --> 00:23:52,812 I need to look sexy for Prince Eric. 462 00:23:52,853 --> 00:23:54,372 Alfie... Shush, Flounder. 463 00:23:54,413 --> 00:23:57,771 Please, sir, not the bra. My parents are coming. Is he OK? 464 00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:01,130 No, I don't think he is. I think he's on drugs! 465 00:24:01,171 --> 00:24:03,170 I've got to get Miss Gulliver! 466 00:24:03,210 --> 00:24:06,568 Stephen, you need to help me with my hair. 467 00:24:06,609 --> 00:24:09,008 Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn. 468 00:24:09,048 --> 00:24:10,808 Sir, stop it! 469 00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:14,488 And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers, 470 00:24:14,528 --> 00:24:18,606 she vowed never again to use her anus 471 00:24:18,646 --> 00:24:20,245 as a receptacle. 472 00:24:20,285 --> 00:24:22,846 Miss Gulliver, you've got to help! 473 00:24:22,885 --> 00:24:24,564 Joe, I'm teaching a class here. 474 00:24:24,604 --> 00:24:26,283 Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss. 475 00:24:26,323 --> 00:24:28,003 I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta. 476 00:24:28,044 --> 00:24:30,282 Mr Wickers must learn how to look after himself. 477 00:24:30,323 --> 00:24:32,322 But Pro Green's in there, Miss, and the police! 478 00:24:32,362 --> 00:24:34,522 He'll lose his job. He could go to prison. 479 00:24:34,562 --> 00:24:37,080 You know what, Joe? Maybe prison's the best place for him. 480 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,240 This whole thing with India, it's not about her. 481 00:24:39,281 --> 00:24:42,359 It's about proving that he's over you, when he obviously isn't. 482 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,278 You know, after you two kissed last term 483 00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:49,997 he told us that he had an erection that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes. 484 00:24:50,037 --> 00:24:52,437 And do you know what? He didn't even... 485 00:24:52,476 --> 00:24:55,836 deal with it, cos he thought it would cheapen the moment. 486 00:24:55,875 --> 00:24:58,115 Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like 487 00:24:58,155 --> 00:25:01,835 even though you were right up on him... All right, enough! Come on, let's go. 488 00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,994 # Under the sea Under the sea 489 00:25:04,035 --> 00:25:05,394 # Under the sea. 490 00:25:05,433 --> 00:25:08,672 Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy. 491 00:25:08,712 --> 00:25:10,552 Why are you photographing him? 492 00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:13,832 To prove this lost little boy needs a mother. 493 00:25:13,872 --> 00:25:16,390 Now, I think we should take a urine sample. 494 00:25:16,430 --> 00:25:18,590 Officers? I want a full toxicology report. 495 00:25:18,630 --> 00:25:22,030 No, Ursula! I don't want your potion. 496 00:25:22,070 --> 00:25:23,788 Uh-oh. 497 00:25:23,829 --> 00:25:28,388 Prince Eric! You've come to save me from my captors. 498 00:25:28,427 --> 00:25:33,065 Lord Trident forbids our union, but it feels so right. 499 00:25:33,105 --> 00:25:36,385 What on earth's going on?! Mum, Dad, this isn't what it looks like. 500 00:25:36,424 --> 00:25:38,265 HE GASPS My bra! 501 00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:40,464 Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms! 502 00:25:40,504 --> 00:25:42,864 We're leaving, Stephen. No, Stephen! Please, sir! 503 00:25:42,903 --> 00:25:46,461 I don't want to leave my friends! Calm down, Princess Ariel! 504 00:25:46,502 --> 00:25:47,822 But how can I be calm 505 00:25:47,861 --> 00:25:52,060 when I'm going out with such a sexy little starfish? 506 00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:55,420 We will conquer your demons 507 00:25:55,461 --> 00:25:58,699 and restore peace to your watery kingdom, 508 00:25:58,739 --> 00:26:01,818 if you just sit down on that bit of coral and stop what you're doing. 509 00:26:12,616 --> 00:26:16,455 Mr and Mrs Carmichael, officers, Professor Green, 510 00:26:16,495 --> 00:26:19,333 erm, I hope you've enjoyed this role-play, 511 00:26:19,374 --> 00:26:24,173 a radical educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline. 512 00:26:24,213 --> 00:26:26,931 Role-play? Mmm. The man's mad! 513 00:26:26,971 --> 00:26:31,530 Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING like a pathetic, grotesque, 514 00:26:31,571 --> 00:26:33,570 utterly irresponsible little man. 515 00:26:33,610 --> 00:26:36,169 But those are the consequences of drug abuse. 516 00:26:36,209 --> 00:26:37,848 Well, it's very realistic. 517 00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:40,409 Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug 518 00:26:40,448 --> 00:26:41,807 after this performance? 519 00:26:45,807 --> 00:26:49,006 I mean, obviously, if, if Alfie WAS high, 520 00:26:49,046 --> 00:26:53,325 then the deputy head would have to fire him, and call the police 521 00:26:53,365 --> 00:26:57,763 and explain to his father how she ruined his son's life for ever. 522 00:26:57,803 --> 00:27:01,601 So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting. Right, Celia? 523 00:27:01,642 --> 00:27:07,559 The wonderful thing about Mr Wickers is his commitment. 524 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,680 Whatever it takes to engage these pupils. 525 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,158 I'm so happy here, Dad. Please, let me stay? 526 00:27:16,198 --> 00:27:19,077 Oh, come on, Richard, please? 527 00:27:24,596 --> 00:27:27,115 OK, I'll think about it. 528 00:27:28,834 --> 00:27:31,595 P-A-R-T-Y without me? 529 00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:34,074 How very SHELLFISH of you. 530 00:27:36,233 --> 00:27:38,073 Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh? 531 00:27:38,112 --> 00:27:40,511 It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer... 532 00:27:40,552 --> 00:27:43,231 Finklestein. 533 00:27:43,271 --> 00:27:47,749 Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free! 534 00:27:47,789 --> 00:27:49,510 Argh! 535 00:27:51,109 --> 00:27:53,148 Show's over, Alfie. 536 00:27:53,188 --> 00:27:55,948 Why didn't you want to come and swim with me? 537 00:27:55,987 --> 00:27:58,428 The water's so lovely and warm. 538 00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:01,705 Oh, my God. 539 00:28:01,745 --> 00:28:04,345 Sir pissed himself! 540 00:28:09,344 --> 00:28:10,903 Dad? What are you doing in here? 541 00:28:10,943 --> 00:28:13,383 Oh... Hello, Alfie. 542 00:28:13,423 --> 00:28:15,461 Just having a little sit down. 543 00:28:15,502 --> 00:28:17,542 Can I see you in the car? 544 00:28:20,541 --> 00:28:22,220 Oh, God! Dad! 545 00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,579 Oh! 546 00:28:25,629 --> 00:28:30,179 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42290

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