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1
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,560
Oh, Alfred, this arrived
in the post for you.
2
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:11,640
Happy Valentine's, pal.
3
00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,440
It's not from her, is it?
4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,360
No.
5
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:22,200
Though I'm sure
Mum's thinking about us,
6
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,320
over in Spain with Javier...
and their children.
7
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:28,880
Forest Fruit?
8
00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:35,480
So, are you bringing anyone
to dinner tonight?
9
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:39,520
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't
interested in an old saddo like me.
10
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,000
Do you know, the other day
I was trying to remember
11
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,080
the last time
I touched a woman's breast.
12
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,600
It was your grandmother's - she'd
asked me to check for a lump.
13
00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:53,480
Oh, Dad, TMI.
14
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:58,680
You don't have to cook for me
tonight. We could go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.
15
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,120
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.
16
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:02,360
And anyway, how many times
do I have to tell you?
17
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,040
It's Valentine's Day -
people assume we're a couple.
18
00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:07,960
Well, it's not going to happen
this year, is it?
19
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:09,760
Not with your girlfriend in tow!
20
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:12,960
I cannot wait to meet
the famous Rosie Gullivard.
21
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,560
Gulliver. She is still coming,
isn't she?
22
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,320
Um, yeah.
23
00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,000
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
24
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,840
I might just stay
a little bit longer.
25
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:31,800
Look, trooper. I was a teacher
for over 25 years
26
00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,640
and do you know the most
important lesson I learnt?
27
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,520
Respect is earned, not given.
28
00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,160
Dad, just give it a rest.
29
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,560
And for your information,
I have the pupils' respect.
30
00:01:49,959 --> 00:02:18,931
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
31
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:25,080
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God
and meet our new deputy head.
32
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,880
Hi. Alfie.
33
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:27,920
Professor Green.
34
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:32,320
What, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
35
00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:38,840
Yes, my ex-husband
is the feted gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green.
36
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,960
No, Pro Green? The best British
rapper since Brian Harvey,
37
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:43,600
or maybe J from 5ive.
38
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,240
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait
with the rap-hop.
39
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:51,920
I have, however, just been told all
about Abbey Grove's... "wunderkind".
40
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,440
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!
41
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,280
You forgot your lunch box.
42
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,320
I popped an extra Yakult in there,
help settle your tummy.
43
00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:02,800
He's got the...
44
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,840
..squits. Celia!
45
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,720
Martin? You know each other?
46
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:11,680
Know each other? We did
our teacher training together.
47
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,280
Must be, what, 25 years?
48
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,120
But what are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge!
49
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:22,840
To salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
50
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,200
Aye, aye, Cap'n!
51
00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,600
Classic! Well, it wasn't.
52
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,600
How's... Herman, isn't it?
53
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,960
Ah. Herman and I are no longer...
54
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,440
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
55
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,480
Herman never understood
that my career came first.
56
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:42,360
Perhaps that's what drove
the little naughty man into the arms of a young... er lady!
57
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:51,600
It's, um, ham and...
58
00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:52,840
Coleslaw.
59
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:54,400
Coleslaw. Yes.
60
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:59,240
Ah, the call to arms!
61
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,080
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all "Punctuality is...
62
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,760
"The politeness of kings."
63
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:06,680
Go!
64
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,560
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
65
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:17,480
Wickers. He took my mum's name,
unsurprisingly.
66
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:21,040
I can see you've got
a whiff of the Stool about you.
67
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:22,560
Probably the squits!
68
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:26,160
Well, off to teach
my first class. Au revoir.
69
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,800
Ferrero Roche.
70
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,680
You seem disappointed.
71
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,480
You thought it was going to be
the real Pro Green, didn't you?
72
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,280
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.
73
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,840
Sir, why are we wearing
our home clothes?
74
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:59,560
Cos Pickwell's dead!
From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches!
75
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:04,360
Joe, you're worse than my dad.
Why are you so chipper?
76
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:05,800
He's in lovvvvee.
77
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,480
Oooh!
78
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,880
Gay!
79
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,280
So, that's why you've
come as Olly Murs?
80
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,400
Erm, Joseph, what's his name?
81
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,400
HER name is Alison Dear
and she's beautiful.
82
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:18,760
Alison Dear?
83
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,440
Oh, Ally Dear!
84
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:29,800
Why do birds suddenly appear
every time she is near?
85
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,160
Cos her breath smells like a trawler.
86
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:34,520
Alfie, do you think
I should send her a card?
87
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:38,360
That'd be a first.
Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.
88
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,240
You're just jealous cos you haven't
got anyone to send a card TO.
89
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:43,400
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
90
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,240
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
91
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,320
"Dear Rem-Dogg,
here's your ?20 back.
92
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,600
"I can't charge you
cos you were so good!"
93
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,360
And I got a card from YOUR mum.
94
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,800
Giving me back the Wotsits
that I paid HER with!
95
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:57,600
"PS, you banged me so hard
now I'm in a wheelchair."
96
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,400
Guys, I realise it's
Valentine's Day,
97
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,240
but could you please stop flirting?
98
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:03,120
Speaking of which,
where's Chantelle?
99
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,240
She's seeing the school nurse.
Is she ill?
100
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,680
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
101
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:14,160
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we
have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?
102
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,000
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have
been sleeping with Mitchell's mum
103
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,360
I suggest you go and give your cock
a thorough clean.
104
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,080
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,
105
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,200
or does the school have a uniform?
106
00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,080
Yeah, a really stupid one.
107
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,120
Hence I told my kids
they can wear what they like now.
108
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,320
You'll think me
a grumpy old sourpuss,
109
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:41,320
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
110
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,680
I don't know what that means,
so shall we just agree to disagree?
111
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:48,080
Shouldn't one agree to agree
with one's deputy head?
112
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,680
I don't really go in for that
whole teacher, naggy shit.
113
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:51,920
Me and the kids are mates.
114
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,640
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".
115
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,480
I and the kids are mates.
116
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:57,920
But just, go with the flow.
117
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:03,840
And, hey, remember, respect
is a dish best served earned,
118
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:06,200
not served... given.
119
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,160
So, are we still on for tonight?
120
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,560
Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago
121
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,520
we arranged for you to come to
dinner because for some weird reason
122
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,920
my dad thinks we're going out?
123
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,520
What?! Why does your dad think
that we're going out?
124
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,280
Long story, don't want to
bore you with it. Try me.
125
00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,480
I told him.
Please do this for me?
126
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,360
I'm seeing Alex.
127
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,320
But he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy too
128
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,720
this could be the straw
that breaks the camel's back.
129
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:40,520
Are you saying your father's life
is in my hands? Er, no,
130
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,280
but literary analogy, you're
Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
131
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,720
I don't want to find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
132
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:48,520
He's not going to put his head in
an oven if I don't come for dinner.
133
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,280
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos
I don't have an oven in my flat.
134
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,280
He could use the microwave.
135
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,520
Actually, you couldn't use
a microwave
136
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,200
cos when you tried to shut it
your head would stop the door.
137
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,840
He could take it into the bath.
138
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:04,360
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
139
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,040
Sorry, read that essay title again?
140
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:11,400
"Who first popularised the
'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."
141
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,400
And how is this relevant?
142
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,880
Look, Jing, now that
Pickwell's not around to tell me
143
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,480
what I can and can't teach,
144
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,040
you're going to notice
quite a few changes round here.
145
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,440
Now, scholars are divided
into three schools of thought.
146
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,200
Charles, Akabusi,
"Fash the Bash" Fashanu.
147
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,080
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view?
148
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:33,320
No, Mitchell. If you must know
149
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,840
I'm going on a Valentine's Day
dinner... with my dad.
150
00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,360
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
151
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,240
The problem is, right, I told him
Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
152
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,920
and he wants to meet her tonight
but she won't come with me,
153
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,880
so I need a surrogate.
OK, so mainly sad.
154
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:51,960
My sister might be up for helping
you out, sir. She ain't got a date tonight. Really?
155
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,400
Oh, wait - do I have to,
like, grab her
156
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,120
or fight someone in a car park
to win her hand?
157
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,760
Nah, just get her a Bargain
Bucket. I'll text her now.
158
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,720
Oh, thanks, mate.
Really appreciate that.
159
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:05,840
Murs, are you all right?
160
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:10,800
It's Ally. I was going to ask her
out, but she totally blanked me.
161
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,320
She probably doesn't even
realise you like her, mate!
162
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,680
I just feel so empty.
163
00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:19,920
Don't look it. Sir, I've got
something for you to look at.
164
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,640
If you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again,
165
00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,800
I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look!
166
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,720
I'm pregnant!
167
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,200
Are you sure?
168
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,960
Yep, she showed me the test
and everything.
169
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,920
Maybe all that flirting
was just a cry for help.
170
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:41,000
Why didn't I do something earlier?
171
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,320
Talk to her -
you're a good listener.
172
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,960
Sorry, what?
I said you're a good listener.
173
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,920
Yeah, you're right,
I shouldn't blame myself.
174
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,160
If anything, I've fulfilled my role
as a guardian.
175
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,160
If the finger's going to be pointed
at anyone it's her peer groups,
176
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,960
whether that's her friends at school
or her parents. Bang on.
177
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,360
A teenage pregnancy
foisted upon me already!
178
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,600
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
179
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:06,160
God.
180
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,520
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.
181
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,040
Alfie, calm down.
Just call Chantelle's mum.
182
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,800
No way! She's so flirty.
183
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,360
Plus, I think her number's
a premium line.
184
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,720
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
185
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:23,520
The school isn't learning anything.
186
00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:25,680
That, I do not dispute.
187
00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:29,640
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
188
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:32,280
She's made us all make a BFF
personal padlock pinky promise.
189
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:33,760
Do we know who sired the infant?
190
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,160
Who's the father?
191
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,920
Oh. We don't know,
but I guess we'll find out soon.
192
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,960
She's going to name the baby
after its dad.
193
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:46,960
Sorry, what do you know
about Chantelle?
194
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,720
Well, I know that letting
pupils... how did you put it?
195
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,600
"Go with the flow"?
196
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,800
..Always damages the reputation
of a school. Full stop.
197
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:59,960
Yeah, well, I let my pupils
"go with the flow"
198
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:04,240
because I'm not here to bully them,
am I? Full stop.
199
00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:07,200
That's not a full stop,
that's a question mark.
200
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:09,440
You asked me a question.
201
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,760
Whatever. Comma.
202
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,200
Semi-colon. Square brackets.
203
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,040
That stupid "and".
204
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,760
He's just upset, Celia.
205
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,040
I think I prefer Professor Green.
206
00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,160
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.
207
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,760
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle,
OK?
208
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,440
And I suggest you do so
with greater didacticism.
209
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:34,720
Oooh! I'll be piling on the
didackanism by the shedload.
210
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:38,640
Just as soon as I've googled it
to find out what it means.
211
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,520
Help! Help!
212
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,440
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck -
bloody Love Lift!
213
00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:00,760
What is this? This bad boy is for
Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
214
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:05,440
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin
Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
215
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,960
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's going to be pants.
216
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,400
Actually, wait,
can we pick who goes on it?
217
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,320
Of course. You know Alison Dear?
218
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:17,040
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.
219
00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,840
I didn't know
you were a chubby chaser.
220
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:22,080
No, not for me. I'm trying to
set her up with Joe Poulter.
221
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,840
Consider it done.
See, now you likey?
222
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,840
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea
223
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,800
but at least it's better than
your tragic online dating.
224
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:34,120
There's nothing tragic about
my date tonight. The itinerary -
225
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,400
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press,
then apres,
226
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,960
see if we can't find the willy-wagon
somewhere warm to park...
227
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:44,600
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
228
00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:03,240
Chantelle, I think at some point
we should, er, you know, um, talk...
229
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:06,680
About the baby?
Have you told anyone else?
230
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,760
No! BFF personal padlock
pinky promise.
231
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,720
Thanks, sir.
Oh, I've changed my mind.
232
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,720
I'm naming him after
my favourite teacher.
233
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:18,000
Baby Alfie.
234
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,960
Oh, right... good.
235
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,480
Sir, do you think pregnancy's
made my breasts bigger?
236
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:28,000
I'm just going to... go over there.
237
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,200
Alfie, I feel like there's something
I need to make really clear.
238
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,720
I honestly can't come tonight.
239
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,880
Oh. One of those Royal Mail
missed delivery things.
240
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,360
It's handwritten.
241
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,280
So it is. Royal Mail -
the personal touch.
242
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,800
It's your address.
I must... live above a depot.
243
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:54,680
Look, please come. I know it's a
weird situation, but I'm desperate.
244
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:57,080
I'm sorry, Alf,
I'm seeing Alex tonight.
245
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,560
And if you must know,
we're having some problems.
246
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,160
Turns out I do have
some issues with my...
247
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,720
Come on!
248
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:25,320
Calm down, calm down!
249
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,160
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!
250
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:30,560
We've got six lovely ladies
gagging for a fella
251
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:34,960
and the date of a lifetime
on the Isle of... ALL: Fernandoze!
252
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,480
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your
hair, pout your lips
253
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,600
and hitch up your skir...
254
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:40,720
Hair again.
255
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:43,440
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
256
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,360
Single men, reveal yourselves!
257
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,440
It's Reggie Blinker!
258
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:58,920
You know how it works, girls,
no likey... No lighty!
259
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:05,560
Oh, God. This is going to be
a car crash.
260
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:17,240
No likey, no light... aaaah!
261
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:20,400
Off! Off! Off!
262
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,600
Let Mr Popplecock
263
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:41,040
see the redundancy package!
264
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,920
Probably not the time for
this announcement, but, seriously -
265
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,320
we will all miss you.
266
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,240
Single man, reveal yourself!
267
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:55,840
Help! Help!
268
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,560
The door's a bit sticky... Help!
269
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,880
Just needs a bit of force.
270
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:04,480
Come on, big guy, work with me here.
271
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,480
Oh!
272
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,600
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
273
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:23,440
So, no likey... No lighty.
274
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,800
Yes! Get in there!
275
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:32,680
Round two! So, what sets you apart
from the crowd?
276
00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,720
Um. Asthma?
277
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,040
And a big willy - woooo!
278
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,040
So, why do you want to be
on the show?
279
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:43,840
Um, I just wanted to ask, um...
280
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:44,880
Ally...
281
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,560
..um, would you...?
282
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,680
What are you doing?
283
00:16:55,720 --> 00:17:00,440
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivialising sexual promiscuity...
284
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,560
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
285
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,360
..but given the current situation...
286
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,720
What situation?
287
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,120
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.
288
00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:12,960
Oops! What a slippy goose!
289
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,640
Right! You have no right
to talk about that!
290
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:19,320
Sir! You broke the BFF
personal padlock pinky promise!
291
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,280
I'm sorry. I was asking
Miss Gulliver for advice.
292
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:24,560
And YOU! I told you this
was a secret.
293
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,920
God, you can be so didactism -
noun, intending to teach,
294
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,000
with an emphasis
on moral instruction.
295
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,360
I can be so didactic, Alfred.
The adjective.
296
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:36,480
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
297
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,840
If anyone's to blame
for this pregnancy, it's me.
298
00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:44,000
Sir, will you look after me
and Baby Alfie?
299
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,960
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!
300
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,960
No, I forgot to tell you...
301
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,640
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!
302
00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:53,600
At least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot.
303
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,960
I just meant that I'd help
look after the child.
304
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,880
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice,
like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
305
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:02,560
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
306
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,600
Prove it, sir. Sing!
I'm not going to sing.
307
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,120
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.
308
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,440
I... It's not...
309
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,400
Dream a dream. Sing!
310
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,640
Yeah, go on, sir. Don't.
311
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:28,200
Chantelle, I shall be
the child's guardian
312
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:32,760
Even though I did not shag you
313
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:38,800
I have done no wrong
Just like Jean Valjean
314
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:41,400
He stole a loaf of bread
315
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:49,320
I stand accused of putting
a bun in the oven inste-e-e-a-ad.
316
00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:57,040
That was so beautiful!
317
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,480
Why did you do that? I don't know.
318
00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:03,120
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated
this young lady,
319
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,080
I shall be calling the constabulary.
320
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,200
The police.
321
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,560
No! Not the police!
No, Professor Green. Please!
322
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,840
Wait! I'm not pregnant.
323
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,160
What?!
324
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,400
I lied.
325
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,160
I just wanted it
to look like someone loves me.
326
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,960
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
327
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:26,400
Chantelle, you don't need to lie
to get my attention.
328
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,000
I'm always here for you.
329
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:31,080
Yeah, so back off, Javert.
330
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,240
Alfie, Ally's going on a date
with me! Really?
331
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:41,520
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to
World of Waffles in Watford!
332
00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:45,000
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh,
and you know what that means?
333
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,200
Cos I kinda made it happen,
you are indebted to me
334
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:52,640
for the rest of your life, so...
you can cook, right?
335
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,080
Yeah, I know my way around
a George Foreman grill.
336
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,640
Will you help me
with my dinner party tonight? OK.
337
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,760
Sweet! I knew I could count
on you. Cheers, mate.
338
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,520
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
round mine for about 7, 7.30.
339
00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:06,880
I'm afraid she ain't
coming nowhere near you, mate.
340
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,040
What? Why? Well, she Facebooked you.
341
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:11,480
We had a deal. Well, I didn't make
your profile picture
342
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,360
some nerd dressed as Gandalf. Me
and the lads were on a pub crawl.
343
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,720
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan.
One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.
344
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,840
You promise me this time?
Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me your address and she'll be there.
345
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,360
OK, deal! And FYI,
I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.
346
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,280
I was dressed as Sauron, in his
guise as the first Chief Lieutenant
347
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,160
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Eregion,
348
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,960
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the
Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.
349
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,360
So who's the dickhead now?
350
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,520
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's
girlfriend's on her way.
351
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:53,440
Here are your ingredients.
352
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,040
Mitchell got it for me.
353
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,120
Alfie, I can cook spag bol
but I can't cook bunny rabbits.
354
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,680
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just
shave it, stick an onion up its bum
355
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:06,760
and then put it in the microwave.
356
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,000
Hey, Smooch, groovy news.
I've got a hot date.
357
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,240
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?
358
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,200
Oh, sorry, there must be
some kind of a mix-up.
359
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,040
Halloween's not till October,
360
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,440
and even then, it's only really the
children who dress up as monsters,
361
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:29,480
so how about you "fuck off"
and stop trying to "ruin my life"?
362
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,600
Good evening, Alfred.
363
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,960
Celia! Hello-ha!
364
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,880
Let me take your coat.
365
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,200
Shut. Up.
366
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,240
So lovely to see you, Martin.
Oh, likewise.
367
00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,400
What are you doing here?
368
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,320
Your father invited me for dinner
on the Facebook.
369
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,920
Oh! I don't know what is
more sickening,
370
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,640
the fact that YOU'RE here
or that my dad's on Facebook.
371
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:05,720
Poke!
372
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,640
Poke!
373
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,280
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?
374
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,120
Oh!
375
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,880
So did you meet Alfred's
bit of skirt today?
376
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,080
Oh! I thought Alfie was single!
377
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:22,160
Hands off! Alfie is dating
the famous Rosie Gulliver.
378
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:25,000
She's coming tonight -
it's a double date.
379
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,960
Is she now?
380
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,040
Professor Green, could I have
a word with you in the kitchen
381
00:22:33,080 --> 00:22:34,920
about your dietary requirements?
382
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,600
Look, the Rosie Gulliver
coming for dinner tonight
383
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,040
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
384
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,160
My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
385
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,880
I'm begging you, when you see
this girl, can you just...
386
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,840
Go with the flow?
387
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,680
My kids'll be back in
school uniforms tomorrow.
388
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:58,200
And you'll stop setting them essays
on catchphrases from the '90s? Yes.
389
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,680
And you'll stop teaching us
topless whenever it's hot?
390
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,480
Shut up, Joe.
This has nothing to do with you.
391
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:07,280
That'll be "Rosie".
392
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:12,800
You Mitchell's mate?
393
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,480
His brother sent me.
394
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,600
Oh, shit!
395
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:25,400
No, Mitchell, your brother
is not a playa, he's a payer.
396
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,880
She is 100% a prostitute!
397
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:34,160
Hi. I can offer you ?20,
some cod liver oil and a rabbit...
398
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,440
to make you go away.
399
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,320
How d'you cook that?
400
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,440
Onion up the bum. Bye!
401
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,200
You know, now you've paid,
402
00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,200
you can put your onion
up my rabbit-hole!
403
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:02,000
I wanted the car cleaned
on the outside AND the inside,
404
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:04,960
but they thought I only
wanted the outside done.
405
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,560
In the end, I had to vacuum
the inside myself!
406
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:14,280
Oh, Martin,
that is such a funny story!
407
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:18,040
Funny?! I think you need
to check your dictionary app.
408
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,920
God! This is the most
middle-aged dinner party ever.
409
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:26,800
Martin, do you like
the television programme Mad Men?
410
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,160
I love it.
411
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,960
Mmm, I think you're
a bit of a Don Draper.
412
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,200
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?
413
00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,760
Oh, sorry,
that was an American accent?
414
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,680
Dad, you sounded like
a Jamaican having a stroke.
415
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,760
My wife went to the West Indies.
416
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,000
Oh, God. Jamaica?
417
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,520
No, she went of her own acc...
418
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:50,440
Joe! Can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
419
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,720
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-D�E.
420
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:58,080
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull
through, it's only a touch of flu.
421
00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:01,800
Yes. So sad she's not
feeling herself.
422
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:07,400
Look... Dad, I might as well
just be honest with you.
423
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:09,800
The thing is, Rosie...
424
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,640
Rosie!
425
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,880
I thought...
426
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:20,240
What about Alex?
427
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,000
We've broken up.
428
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,200
Anyway, I just thought that
you might cheer me up.
429
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:31,920
You could tell your face
to look a little less happy.
430
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,000
I can't believe you came!
431
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,160
Well, you were there for Chantelle
so I thought I'd be here for you.
432
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,520
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need
to pretend to be my girlfriend.
433
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,720
I'm just going to tell my dad
the truth.
434
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,000
No, I don't mind being
your girlfriend for one night.
435
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:51,120
Does that mean
you'll be sleeping over? No.
436
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,840
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have
this Postman Pat bed linen
437
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,040
so I would've change...
Shall I come in?
438
00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,640
Yeah. Pro Green
won't know what's hit her!
439
00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:01,000
Pro Green?! Don't ask.
440
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,320
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
441
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,560
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
442
00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:09,000
Where are they?
443
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,680
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted
to take a look at your bedroom
444
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,080
so your dad took her in there.
He's very drunk.
445
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,760
My bedroom?!
446
00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:21,200
Oh, my God.
447
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,240
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!
448
00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:29,000
I've made blancmange.
449
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:46,640
Did you know that apart from us,
450
00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:50,520
the only other animal to get
sunburnt is the pig?
451
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,280
God. Imagine if this got round
the school.
452
00:26:58,320 --> 00:26:59,640
We won't tell anyone.
453
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,360
It's Mitchell.
454
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,440
"What's long and hard and covered
in Green? Your dad's cock".
455
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:10,840
Joe!
456
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,880
I might have tweeted, like, once.
457
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,000
Oh! Oh, yeah.
458
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,000
Alfred.
459
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:38,080
Rosie!
460
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,600
"Go with the flow"!
461
00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:47,960
Well, jolly good. Bravo.
462
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,800
Goodnight. Bye, Martin.
463
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,120
Alfred. Rosemary.
464
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,320
Goodnight. Night. Night.
465
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,640
Dad, this is...
466
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,080
Hi, I'm Rosie.
467
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:09,160
Oh, er, probably best not shake my...
468
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,200
I'm just going to put these sheets
in the wash.
469
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,680
I tried to keep a lid on it
but... it's been a while.
470
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,360
Postman Pat's fine.
471
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,440
Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.
472
00:28:27,199 --> 00:28:58,440
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473
00:28:58,490 --> 00:29:03,040
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