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1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:04,173
(# 2PAC FEAT DR DRE: California Love)
2
00:00:04,220 --> 00:00:07,178
Isobel? Hi, it's Chris Tarrant here from
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Ripped By mstoll
3
00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:11,338
- We've got your friend Malcolm here...
- An elementary mistake, rookie.
4
00:00:11,380 --> 00:00:15,168
I have no friends. But I do have
a very particular set of skills,
5
00:00:15,220 --> 00:00:18,451
a set of skills that make me
a nightmare for people like you.
6
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:21,219
(FAKE SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Hullo, Isobel! It's Malcolm here.
7
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:23,569
My million-pound question is...
8
00:00:23,620 --> 00:00:26,009
Is Miss Pickwell,A, the Demon Headmaster
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,618
in drag?
10
00:00:27,660 --> 00:00:30,299
B, Rose McWest?
11
00:00:30,340 --> 00:00:32,934
C, Andy Murray's mother?
12
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,218
Or D,
13
00:00:40,260 --> 00:00:41,932
an angry Scottish chicken?
14
00:00:41,980 --> 00:00:43,811
- (LAUGHTER)- Chicken, chicken, chicken!
15
00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:46,852
- (LAUGHTER)
- (# Chicken Dance)
16
00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:57,378
Yeh proper tings
17
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:13,178
Original styleWe come to kick the drum
18
00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:15,734
The wicked money spoilYeh...
19
00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:22,696
Now, Miss Pickwell has gone missing.
20
00:01:22,740 --> 00:01:25,208
She's done a Klaxons
and vanished without a trace.
21
00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:26,852
I don't want to point the finger,
22
00:01:26,900 --> 00:01:30,131
but it seems chicken-gate
may have something to do with it.
23
00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:31,898
Mitchell made me do it.
24
00:01:31,940 --> 00:01:33,214
You egg him on.
25
00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,569
That boy brings pranking
to a new level, right?
26
00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:38,532
The other day,
he locked Joe in a cupboard,
27
00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:42,732
then recorded him screaming for help and
set it as the ringtone on Joe's own phone!
28
00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,499
Can't change it. Classic Mitchell.
29
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:46,655
(LAUGHS)
30
00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:51,817
Back to Isobel. The 5-0 have found her car
on the Severn Bridge, Bristol.
31
00:01:51,860 --> 00:01:55,057
They're afraid
something might have happened to her.
32
00:01:55,100 --> 00:01:57,978
Well, I wouldn't worry.
They've stopped burning witches,
33
00:01:58,020 --> 00:01:59,294
even in the West Country.
34
00:02:01,900 --> 00:02:03,492
It's a note from Pickwell.
35
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,657
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) '"If you're reading
this note, I am dead.'"
36
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,099
(ALL GASP)
37
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:09,289
Oh, my God!
38
00:02:13,060 --> 00:02:15,130
'"I am dead.
39
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:17,614
'"I've jumped from the Severn Bridge.
40
00:02:17,660 --> 00:02:19,810
'"But don't blame yourselves.
41
00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:23,535
'"There is only one person with
blood on their hands - Al...
42
00:02:30,660 --> 00:02:33,697
'"Al... an...
43
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:35,617
'"Shear-er.
44
00:02:35,660 --> 00:02:40,734
'"He is my least favourite pundit
on Match Of The Day
45
00:02:40,780 --> 00:02:42,657
'"whose name is Al-an.
46
00:02:43,940 --> 00:02:48,570
'"I way prefer Al-an Hansen.
47
00:02:48,620 --> 00:02:49,973
'"The end.'"
48
00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:51,976
ROSIE: Oh, wow.
49
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:55,535
She clearly went completely insane.
50
00:02:55,580 --> 00:02:58,014
I know.
Shearer's amazeballs on MOTD.
51
00:02:58,060 --> 00:03:00,176
Ironic, too, jumping into a river.
52
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:02,893
Shearer hates players that dive. (LAUGHS)
53
00:03:02,940 --> 00:03:04,896
It's too soon.
54
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,453
Thanks very much, guys.
55
00:03:13,500 --> 00:03:16,094
Bloody pigs. (IMITATES A PIG)
56
00:03:16,140 --> 00:03:18,973
Oh, it's a clingy smell, isn't it, bacon?
57
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:22,336
These suicides don't get any easier.
58
00:03:22,380 --> 00:03:24,496
That's the fifth teacher that's...
59
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,178
(IMITATES GUNSHOT)
60
00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:29,257
...since I've been here. Still gets you.
- It's just such a shock.
61
00:03:29,300 --> 00:03:32,815
Well, thank God it's not like
poor old Mr Rawlinson.
62
00:03:32,860 --> 00:03:35,772
(WHISTLES AND CLICKS TONGUE)
63
00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:37,333
I mean, an orange in the mouth
is weird, but a papaya?!
64
00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:39,098
Where do you even buy a papaya?
65
00:03:39,140 --> 00:03:40,209
Poor little Jeremy Goss found him.
66
00:03:40,260 --> 00:03:44,094
It has been a battle
trying to get him to eat his five-a-day.
67
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,735
Fraser, erm, Isobel's position...
68
00:03:47,780 --> 00:03:51,773
Obviously, we could never replace her -
she was deputy head of hearts...
69
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:53,970
But this school needs a Camilla,
and that is the ugly truth.
70
00:03:54,020 --> 00:03:59,219
So, whilst I find someone full time,
I'm going to need an interim deputy.
71
00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,935
Someone with people skills,
respect from the student body,
72
00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,254
a feminine touch...
73
00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:08,332
- Miss G, you're hired.
- Oh, wow.
74
00:04:08,380 --> 00:04:12,214
Me? Me?
75
00:04:12,260 --> 00:04:13,295
Bullshit.
76
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,571
Re-interviewing for the permanent
deputy head role,
77
00:04:16,620 --> 00:04:18,656
I'm going to need another set of eyes.
78
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:20,452
Rosie, you'll be busy
inter-rimming. Alf?
79
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:22,411
Yeah. Fine.
80
00:04:22,460 --> 00:04:26,339
I guess it is quite important that we find
a permanent replacement pretty pronto,
81
00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:27,574
before the power corrupts you.
82
00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:29,850
Now, what to tell
the kids about this mess?
83
00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:33,097
- We should tell them the truth.
- But suicide can be very distressing.
84
00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:37,531
Let's tell the children a little
white lie, so as not to upset them.
85
00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:42,574
And then the bear just ripped
her face off, with one swipe!
86
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,178
(ALL GASP)
87
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:47,610
Blood bath. Face everywhere.
88
00:04:47,660 --> 00:04:50,299
The paramedic found her eyebrow up a tree!
89
00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:56,133
In other news,
tomorrow is Morocco Day.
90
00:04:56,180 --> 00:05:01,413
This fez-tival has to be tagine
to be believed! Thank you.
91
00:05:02,420 --> 00:05:04,172
(PUPIL SOBS)
92
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,128
(DOOR CREAKS)
93
00:05:17,740 --> 00:05:20,538
(JACK-IN-THE-BOX CACKLES)
94
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:26,736
(INDISTINCT GHOSTLY WHISPERS)
95
00:05:29,340 --> 00:05:34,130
ISOBEL: There is only one manwith blood on his hands.
96
00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:35,977
(SING-SONG) Alfie Wickers.
97
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:41,491
(JACK-IN-THE-BOX CACKLES)
98
00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:45,652
(EERIE SOUNDS FADE)
99
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:51,730
ON PHONE: Help! Help! Let me out.I'm afraid of the dark.
100
00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:53,338
Seriously, please don't leave me in here!
101
00:05:53,380 --> 00:05:55,211
Can you please tell me
how to change this ringtone?
102
00:05:55,260 --> 00:05:56,295
(LAUGHTER)
103
00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:59,810
- Haven't you finished that yet, babes?
- I can't.
104
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,896
I'm just too upset about Pickwell.
105
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:04,579
Oi, Pineapple Studios! Want
to know what happens at the end?
106
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,178
- If you dare...
- The boy and the girl both...
107
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:07,858
(SQUEALS)
108
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,095
- What happened?
- Nothing.
109
00:06:10,140 --> 00:06:11,459
You look well scared, sir.
110
00:06:11,500 --> 00:06:13,616
Did you see your ingrowing penis
again, sir?
111
00:06:13,660 --> 00:06:17,289
History.
History's all about dead people,
112
00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:20,571
so, hypothetically,
do you think that ghosts exist?
113
00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:21,939
They don't, right?
114
00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:23,777
I believe that when we die,
we go to Liverpool.
115
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:26,129
Yeah, only if you've done
some messed-up shit.
116
00:06:26,180 --> 00:06:28,853
Trust us. All the dead people
talking through Derek Acorah
117
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,333
always have Scouse accents.
118
00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,816
I thought I seen a ghost once, when I was
having a sleepover at Mitchell's house.
119
00:06:33,860 --> 00:06:36,499
Turned out it was just his mum
in her nightie trying to haunt my cock.
120
00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:38,849
Just cos your mum looks like someone
drew eyes on a scrotum.
121
00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:41,255
I heard your gyppo mum does
palm readings with a happy ending.
122
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:43,211
- Do one.
- Enough!
123
00:06:43,260 --> 00:06:44,488
Someone's died.
124
00:06:44,540 --> 00:06:47,259
Can we just give a little respect?
125
00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:48,415
Thank you, Jing.
126
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:50,576
Although, I did also hear that
about Mitchell's mum.
127
00:06:50,620 --> 00:06:53,612
Do you think Miss Pickwell's
going to come back as a ghost?
128
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:57,972
Wh... What? No.
Why would you say that?
129
00:06:58,020 --> 00:07:01,330
Joe, you don't
believe in this ghost nonsense?
130
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,416
Well, I thought I did,
131
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:06,418
cos this one night
my room went really cold.
132
00:07:07,540 --> 00:07:08,575
And?
133
00:07:08,620 --> 00:07:10,451
Turns out I just left my fridge door open.
134
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:11,296
Ha!
135
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,649
You have a fridge in your room?
136
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:14,928
Only for essentials,
137
00:07:14,980 --> 00:07:17,050
like water, cheeses,
138
00:07:17,100 --> 00:07:18,249
pulled pork.
139
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:24,170
OK, so say someone did see a ghost,
hypothetically...
140
00:07:26,140 --> 00:07:27,459
...what does it want from me?
141
00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:30,492
To put its unquiet spirit at rest.
142
00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:32,690
What, like in that film
where Jing walks out of the telly?
143
00:07:32,740 --> 00:07:35,618
Oh, you can watch scary movies now?
144
00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,298
The boy who cried in Toy Story 3.
145
00:07:37,340 --> 00:07:39,808
Didn't cry! I had something in me eye.
146
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,976
Why do I give a shit
if Andy's going to college?
147
00:07:43,140 --> 00:07:45,370
Why did he have to leave Woody behind?
148
00:07:45,420 --> 00:07:48,253
Rem Dogg's right. If you want
to make peace with Pickwell, sir,
149
00:07:48,300 --> 00:07:51,656
you should put on the most
shamazing memorial ever.
150
00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,897
We can make it just like Whitney's!
Hashtag - Queen Of The Night.
151
00:07:54,940 --> 00:07:56,293
You think that would work?
152
00:07:56,340 --> 00:07:58,808
If making my peace
with Pickwell's unquiet spirit
153
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:01,533
is what I wanted to do, hypothetically.
154
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:02,854
Deffo.
155
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:06,256
OK, right, well, obviously,
I'm not being haunted by Pickwell,
156
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:08,575
but let's put on a memorial anyway.
157
00:08:08,620 --> 00:08:12,454
Why do you even care, sir?
Pickwell was a right bitch!
158
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,853
Shhh.
159
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,094
She might be listening.
160
00:08:21,860 --> 00:08:24,932
STEPHEN: Black velvet drapes, people.
We need it looking like Phantomby break.
161
00:08:24,980 --> 00:08:26,493
Oh, and I want doves.
162
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,132
Aren't doves for weddings?
163
00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:29,533
Black doves, babes.
164
00:08:29,580 --> 00:08:33,050
I ain't ever been to a funeral before,
but in the WWE Survivor Series, right,
165
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,658
The Undertaker comes out of a coffin,
166
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,053
choke-slams Randy Orton,
167
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,297
and then finishes him off with a tombstone
pile-driver. Why don't we just do that?
168
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:41,808
I mean, the reasons are literally endless.
169
00:08:41,860 --> 00:08:43,851
Can you just sort out the flowers,
please?
170
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:45,219
What do I know about flowers?
171
00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:48,252
I swear your sister once sold me
some roses at the traffic lights.
172
00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:49,972
Whatever, Dickers.
She's got a proper job now.
173
00:08:50,020 --> 00:08:52,898
Hmm, holds a bucket while
Daddy washes the windscreens. LOL!
174
00:08:52,940 --> 00:08:55,977
Rem Dogg is asking the art department
about Pickwell's portrait.
175
00:08:56,020 --> 00:09:00,775
Great. Can you tell them to go easy on
the whole menopausal Child Catcher vibe?
176
00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:02,139
I'll find a picture of her smiling.
177
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:04,489
Good luck. That's like trying to find
a picture of sir watching One Direction
178
00:09:04,540 --> 00:09:05,575
without a boner.
179
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:07,576
Yeah, or a picture of you
with your real dad.
180
00:09:08,940 --> 00:09:11,977
Guys, chillax! Music-wise,
memorials scream Candle In The Wind.
181
00:09:12,020 --> 00:09:15,330
Ah, perfect.
Download an Elton John '"best of'".
182
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:19,692
We're going to need loads of emotional
music. Ah, like that one from Gladiator.
183
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:21,219
You know, the one
that he has in the dream.
184
00:09:24,060 --> 00:09:27,052
# La-la-la-la
185
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,658
# Na-na-na
186
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:32,739
Na-na-na-na-naa-na-na...
187
00:09:32,780 --> 00:09:33,974
Please stop. What is it called?
188
00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,614
I don't know.
Why don't you just Shazam my singing?
189
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,093
(SIGHS)
190
00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:39,289
Na-na-na-naa...
191
00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:40,819
Oh, my God. Stop!
192
00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:42,578
I'll google it!
193
00:09:42,620 --> 00:09:45,259
(CARRIES ON SINGING)
194
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:46,733
(EERILY) Alfie Wickers.
195
00:09:50,420 --> 00:09:52,411
Oh, thank God.
196
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:54,018
It's you.
197
00:09:54,060 --> 00:09:56,335
- Hmm.
- What's with the hair?
198
00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:57,972
Oh, it's a very practical style.
199
00:09:58,020 --> 00:10:00,409
You do realise
you look a bit like Pickwell?
200
00:10:00,460 --> 00:10:01,575
No, I don't.
201
00:10:01,620 --> 00:10:03,053
- Right.
- Now, I need you to come in at seven
202
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,613
tomorrow for early detention.
203
00:10:04,660 --> 00:10:08,539
Look, I went over this with Pickwell,
like, a billion times.
204
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:10,650
I'm a teacher,
I can't be put in detention.
205
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:12,497
No, I need you to supervise it.
206
00:10:12,540 --> 00:10:14,292
Well, that's even more stupid.
207
00:10:14,340 --> 00:10:16,854
At seven o'clock in the morning, babe,
I'll be down the gym,
208
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:21,496
pumping iron like a lion
in Tring Bannatayne...
209
00:10:21,540 --> 00:10:24,373
And I'm hoping
you'll conduct this in a good spirit.
210
00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:28,015
I know you didn't get on,
but she deserves a dignified memorial.
211
00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,369
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.
212
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:32,172
Here's the music you wanted, sir.
213
00:10:32,220 --> 00:10:35,974
(# Theme from Gladiators)
214
00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:38,056
It's the wrong Gladiator!
215
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:43,252
Stephen! Stephen!
216
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:47,054
To clarify, we...
We won't be playing that.
217
00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:59,369
Remember, I'm planning this memorial,
so this can't take long.
218
00:10:59,420 --> 00:11:02,730
Sure. Hey, before each interview,
should I do a short monologue,
219
00:11:02,780 --> 00:11:04,532
a few topical jokes?
220
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:07,014
Fraser, these are job interviews,
not Chatty Man.
221
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:08,288
Fine.
222
00:11:08,340 --> 00:11:10,456
Where did you find all these people
so quickly?
223
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:11,774
Advert on Gumtree.
224
00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:13,970
Gumtree?!
225
00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:16,136
For many moons now, I have been
226
00:11:16,180 --> 00:11:19,809
the humble scribe of medieval pornography.
227
00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:21,851
He also plays the lute!
228
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:24,698
Sorry, you knowthis man?
229
00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:28,494
Met him at Canterbury market,
selling porn from a barrow.
230
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:32,692
Mmm! Egad! The Pink Lance!
231
00:11:32,740 --> 00:11:35,174
He calls himself the Porn Baron.
232
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:38,849
Oh, but tarry, fair quent-beavor.
233
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:43,132
What quim-foolery maketh
thy lady of the lake wet?
234
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:44,977
(SNIGGERS)
235
00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:47,250
And you want to become a teacher
because?
236
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,576
To be honest, mate,
it's just not selling.
237
00:11:51,660 --> 00:11:53,218
(MAGAZINE RIPS OPEN)
238
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:58,015
So, your name is Mrs P-hi?
239
00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:00,369
Piss? P-hi, P-hi?
240
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,535
Phistor.
241
00:12:01,580 --> 00:12:03,138
Phistor?
242
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,729
Good.
A-And your first name is?
243
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:07,815
Gay.
244
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:10,533
Your name is Gay Phistor
245
00:12:10,580 --> 00:12:13,140
and you want to work in a school
full of teenagers?
246
00:12:13,180 --> 00:12:17,651
On your way out, would you mind
sending in Mr Mark Skid?
247
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:21,451
Can you tell us why
248
00:12:21,500 --> 00:12:25,049
you were dishonourably discharged
from the armed forces?
249
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:28,092
It was Afghan, night...
250
00:12:29,380 --> 00:12:31,689
I was on guard at the camp gates.
251
00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:35,415
Car charges up. Draws level.
252
00:12:35,460 --> 00:12:39,419
I see a figure in the passenger seat
reach for something.
253
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:41,337
Split-second decision.
254
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,098
What would you do?
255
00:12:43,140 --> 00:12:45,415
Shine a torch?
256
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,416
Open fire. Bang, bang!
257
00:12:47,460 --> 00:12:48,529
Was it the Taliban?
258
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:50,815
The Sugababes.
259
00:12:50,860 --> 00:12:53,613
They were there to entertain the troops.
260
00:12:53,660 --> 00:12:56,174
I'm the reason they changed the line-up.
261
00:12:56,220 --> 00:12:59,337
Mutya, right between the eyes.
262
00:13:07,260 --> 00:13:09,057
Check it out, ladies, don't take no lip
263
00:13:09,100 --> 00:13:11,136
Take no lip, take-take no lip
264
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,613
#If you ride for your girls... #
265
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:17,780
If you don't stop running,
I'll hobble you quicker than you can say,
266
00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:22,177
'"Very steep, secluded, concrete stairwell
in a CCTV black spot.'"
267
00:13:23,860 --> 00:13:28,172
Mr Wickers, Mr Fraser,
don't you have classes to go to?
268
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,773
We need to get a new deputy head ASAP.
269
00:13:32,820 --> 00:13:35,778
I liked that man who
looked like Professor Weeto.
270
00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:37,333
Dick Brumhole?
271
00:13:37,380 --> 00:13:41,168
Right, as I said to him,
Gay Phistor and Pat Fanny,
272
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,450
you can't teach in a school
with a name like that.
273
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:44,569
The kids would destroy them.
274
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:47,214
In that case,
don't go bat-shoot cray,
275
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:51,458
but I'm going to ask Miss Gulliver
to apply for the job full time.
276
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,330
(GASPS)
277
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,213
(SING-SONG) Alfie... Alfie Wickers.
278
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:58,688
(CHIMES JANGLE LOUDLY)
279
00:14:01,860 --> 00:14:03,771
Who put wind chimes in the corridor?
280
00:14:03,820 --> 00:14:06,653
My bad. I thought
they'd lighten the place up a bit.
281
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:09,658
It's very deathy round here at the moment.
Are you OK?
282
00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:12,453
Yeah, yeah. I'm... I'm fine.
283
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:16,129
Oh, that's a parental cluster
F-word waiting to happen.
284
00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:18,057
Oh, I just heard from the family.
285
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:21,137
Isobel's funeral is going ahead
at St Bartholomew's.
286
00:14:21,180 --> 00:14:23,057
So, we should send a representative,
show our respects.
287
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:26,058
I'll go. Please let me go.
I'm definitely going.
288
00:14:28,180 --> 00:14:30,375
Through Jesus Christ, Our Lord.
289
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:31,409
Amen.
290
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:40,853
Sorry, erm... I'd actually like
to say some words myself?
291
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,618
Lf... If you must.
292
00:14:44,820 --> 00:14:45,969
(CLEARS THROAT)
293
00:14:46,020 --> 00:14:47,533
Thank you, Your Honour.
294
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:54,817
We are gathered here today
to remember someone very, very special.
295
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:57,738
Someone that will be truly missed.
296
00:14:57,780 --> 00:14:59,975
(WHISPERS) Alfie! Alfie!
297
00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:01,055
Not now, Joe.
298
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,409
Let me say this.
299
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:04,734
Izzy...
300
00:15:07,980 --> 00:15:09,049
(CLEARS THROAT)
301
00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:12,171
Is... Is...
302
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,131
...he dead?
303
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:18,138
Yes, yes, he is dead.
304
00:15:18,180 --> 00:15:23,413
But in many ways he is not dead,
305
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:27,135
because we will all remember
306
00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:30,411
our dear old friend,
307
00:15:30,460 --> 00:15:31,529
whose name is...
308
00:15:35,660 --> 00:15:38,777
...Old Captain Birdseye.
309
00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:43,257
That's a little nickname amongst mates.
310
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,211
Fishy Fingers himself.
311
00:15:47,260 --> 00:15:48,932
Let's raise a glass
312
00:15:48,980 --> 00:15:53,417
and toast a life that was
tragically cut short
313
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:56,532
by, erm...
314
00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:01,928
...a fight in a pub...
315
00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:03,538
A cross trainer?
316
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,212
Milking a cow?
317
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:10,490
Drink-driving! Yes!
318
00:16:10,540 --> 00:16:12,098
Of course.
319
00:16:12,140 --> 00:16:13,209
That's how he died.
320
00:16:13,260 --> 00:16:14,659
So...
321
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:17,128
...let's raise the glass
322
00:16:17,180 --> 00:16:20,889
of water or orange juice,
323
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:22,692
or milk.
324
00:16:23,780 --> 00:16:25,008
Amen.
325
00:16:25,060 --> 00:16:26,539
May the force be with you.
326
00:16:36,460 --> 00:16:39,896
Hey, instead of me interviewing you,
why don't you interview me?
327
00:16:39,940 --> 00:16:41,851
To prove that I'm an enthusiastic leader
328
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,095
that can take control
of unforeseen situations?
329
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,938
Something like that.
330
00:16:46,980 --> 00:16:48,732
Why did you want
to become a teacher?
331
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:50,577
Ah! Good question, Parky.
332
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:52,133
I fell in love with teaching
333
00:16:52,180 --> 00:16:54,569
when I saw that beautiful
Robin Williams film.
334
00:16:54,620 --> 00:16:55,973
Dead Poets Society?
335
00:16:56,020 --> 00:16:57,817
- No.
- Good Will Hunting?
336
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:59,657
Flubber. I decided to go back to school
337
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,179
to acquire the skills needed to build
338
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:04,849
a green, shape-shifting energy source
that would help me win at basketball.
339
00:17:05,860 --> 00:17:08,499
(SINGS SILLY TUNE)
340
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:10,212
Mr Fraser, if you don't give me this job,
341
00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:15,618
I'll be forced to explain to the governors
why Abbey Grove is awash with these.
342
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:19,618
Queefs Of The Nunnery.
343
00:17:19,660 --> 00:17:21,537
The Knights Of Cumalot.
344
00:17:21,580 --> 00:17:24,094
'"As Arthur did up his chain mail,
345
00:17:24,140 --> 00:17:28,179
'"Guinevere was dallying with a circle
of mysterious wizards from the east -
346
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:30,415
'"the Bukkake Coven... '"
347
00:17:30,460 --> 00:17:33,133
Okey-dokey.
Let's talk about your pension plan.
348
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,330
Hmm.
349
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:38,690
Stop blaming me, Joe. Fraser said
it was happening at St Bartholomew's.
350
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,856
He didn't say it was happening
next Thursday.
351
00:17:44,020 --> 00:17:46,215
You go, I'll take this.
352
00:17:47,940 --> 00:17:49,737
Wickers!
353
00:17:49,780 --> 00:17:52,055
(CLICKS FINGERS)
354
00:17:52,100 --> 00:17:54,455
Get in there! Now!
355
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,138
On my way.
356
00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:01,778
I haven't got any money,
you've already stolen my watch,
357
00:18:01,820 --> 00:18:04,778
and the last time you wedgied me,
I swear you fractured my guiche.
358
00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,136
(SOBS)
359
00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:11,252
I miss her so much!
360
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,097
Why did she do it?
361
00:18:13,140 --> 00:18:14,653
Why?!
362
00:18:14,700 --> 00:18:18,818
It's not your fault, Frank.
It's no-one's fault.
363
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:29,730
Right, now, you go out there,
and if anyone asks you what you was doing,
364
00:18:29,780 --> 00:18:32,169
you... you say I was in here
wedgie-ing you.
365
00:18:32,220 --> 00:18:33,414
Will do.
366
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:37,294
In fact, wedgie yourself now, yeah,
just in case.
367
00:18:37,340 --> 00:18:40,013
I'm not going to do that.
368
00:18:48,020 --> 00:18:50,295
Come on, you know
I give 'em better than that.
369
00:18:57,580 --> 00:18:59,059
(CRACKLING)
370
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,531
Yes, I do
371
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:14,572
Hip-shakin'mama, I love ya
372
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:17,180
Yes, I do
373
00:19:17,220 --> 00:19:18,369
Hip-shakin'mama...
374
00:19:18,420 --> 00:19:20,297
(EERILY) Alfie Wickers!
375
00:19:20,340 --> 00:19:22,490
Help! Help!
376
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:24,178
Help! Help!
377
00:19:25,620 --> 00:19:26,609
(WHIMPERS)
378
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,690
Oh, my God,
major probs with the memorial, sir.
379
00:19:35,740 --> 00:19:38,652
Doves don't come in black.
I had to improvise.
380
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:39,849
We blacked up some pigeons, sir.
381
00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:43,449
What? This is Pickwell's memorial,
not Jim Davidson's.
382
00:19:45,020 --> 00:19:46,135
- Oh, my God.
- Urgh.
383
00:19:46,180 --> 00:19:48,933
They look like they've been
in an oil spill.
384
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,618
That box is minging.
It smells like my nan's flat.
385
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:54,494
I think the boot polish made them
a bit poorly. Funkypigeon. Com.
386
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:56,337
By the way, guys, you look amazing.
387
00:19:56,380 --> 00:19:57,654
I look like Steve Jobs.
388
00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,658
This memorial's going to be so great.
389
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,294
Definitely going to get
Pickwell off my back, right?
390
00:20:03,340 --> 00:20:05,410
Sir, you do realise
that it's highly unlikely
391
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:07,416
that you're being haunted
by Miss Pickwell?
392
00:20:07,460 --> 00:20:10,770
I don't know why she'd bother haunting
you, sir. I bet she's lappin' up hell.
393
00:20:10,820 --> 00:20:13,493
Probably down there now
trying to get Stalin to sign her tits.
394
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:18,413
Oi, big guy. Don't be upset.
We all miss her.
395
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:20,849
It's not that. I've lost my phone.
396
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:22,299
My mum's going to kill me!
397
00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:25,218
It's all right. It's probably
somewhere really obvious.
398
00:20:25,260 --> 00:20:26,659
I'll call it for you.
399
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:33,492
PHONE IN COFFIN:
Help! Help! Let me out.
400
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,417
I'm afraid of the dark.
401
00:20:35,460 --> 00:20:39,738
Seriously, please don't leave mein here! Help! I want my mum!
402
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:48,058
(BELL CLANGS)
403
00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:49,658
(CROWS CAW)
404
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:50,769
(COFFIN SQUEAKS)
405
00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:01,132
(DRAMATIC ORGAN MUSIC)
406
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,729
Miss Pickwell made me
try harder at the things I love.
407
00:21:14,780 --> 00:21:17,010
Because she was always on my back,
408
00:21:17,060 --> 00:21:20,291
I can now smoke a Vogue in 30 seconds.
409
00:21:20,340 --> 00:21:24,970
I remember when she told me
I was in this wheelchair
410
00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:27,375
because I'd sinned in my previous life.
411
00:21:27,420 --> 00:21:29,172
BOTH: Classic Pickwell.
412
00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:32,417
Miss Pickwell asked me to negotiate
for her during some trouble
413
00:21:32,460 --> 00:21:34,815
she was having with a syndicate
of Chinese bookies.
414
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:36,612
She'd been unable to honour her debts
415
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:39,458
after losing thousands of pounds
in illegal cock fights.
416
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,570
We became fast friends.
417
00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:46,979
(SOBS)
418
00:21:47,020 --> 00:21:49,136
- I can't!
- Grow a pair, Rylan.
419
00:21:49,180 --> 00:21:50,932
It's all just too emotional!
420
00:21:52,180 --> 00:21:53,169
(CLEARS THROAT)
421
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:56,736
'"Hashtag YOLO.'"
422
00:21:58,380 --> 00:22:00,177
That's all it says.
423
00:22:04,460 --> 00:22:07,691
We will now all observe
a minute's silence for Isobel.
424
00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:12,052
Beautiful, man.
425
00:22:12,100 --> 00:22:13,215
Stephen...
426
00:22:15,260 --> 00:22:17,774
(# ELTON JOHN: I'm Still Standing)
427
00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:24,972
Stephen! This isn't Candle In The Wind.
Turn it off!
428
00:22:25,020 --> 00:22:26,533
It's broken!
429
00:22:26,580 --> 00:22:30,732
#I'm still standing after all this time
430
00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:32,259
- # Picking up the pieces... #
- What the?
431
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:36,409
(SCREAMS)
432
00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:43,057
Calm down! Stop pushing!
433
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:45,409
Everyone, make your way to the exits!
434
00:22:45,460 --> 00:22:46,529
Everyone sit down! Please!
435
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,015
(IMITATES PIGEON)
436
00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:12,454
Hey! Oh, that's lovely.
437
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,777
God, Isobel sure went through some styles.
438
00:23:16,820 --> 00:23:18,219
Yeah.
439
00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:20,933
Sorry for being tetchy earlier.
440
00:23:20,980 --> 00:23:23,778
Isobel dying,
well, it's affected us all.
441
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:27,176
I know. It's weird, you know. I...
442
00:23:28,460 --> 00:23:30,769
...found her so annoying,
but now she's gone,
443
00:23:30,820 --> 00:23:33,857
I realise I kind of loved her, too.
444
00:23:35,620 --> 00:23:39,090
It's the Crazy Frog all over again.
445
00:23:39,140 --> 00:23:40,493
No hard feelings?
446
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,934
Oh, I'd better scoot.
447
00:23:48,980 --> 00:23:52,734
Oh, if things get too much for me,
I unlock the art block,
448
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:55,931
stick on Magic FM
and just do something creative.
449
00:23:55,980 --> 00:23:57,379
You should try it.
450
00:24:02,980 --> 00:24:06,734
RADIO: And welcome to Magic FMand have we got a line-up for you tonight!
451
00:24:06,780 --> 00:24:08,577
Starting with the '60s classicfrom the Righteous Brothers,
452
00:24:08,620 --> 00:24:11,088
Unchained Melody. Here we go.
453
00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:17,010
Oh, my love
454
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:22,336
#My darling
455
00:24:22,380 --> 00:24:28,376
#I've hungered for your touch
456
00:24:28,420 --> 00:24:30,570
#A long... #
457
00:24:30,620 --> 00:24:33,134
(SCREAMS)
458
00:24:33,180 --> 00:24:34,408
Get away, get away, get away!
459
00:24:34,460 --> 00:24:36,928
Calm down, Mr Wickers.
460
00:24:36,980 --> 00:24:39,335
You're a ghost! Ghosts can't speak.
461
00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:41,291
No, I'm not a ghost.
462
00:24:41,340 --> 00:24:42,978
But you're dead. You died!
463
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:45,295
- Well, can a ghost do this?
- Ow!
464
00:24:45,340 --> 00:24:46,932
- Can a ghost do this?
- Argh!
465
00:24:46,980 --> 00:24:48,732
Can ghost do this? Bll-bll-bll!
466
00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:51,817
OK, I get the point. You're not a ghost!
But how? Why?
467
00:24:51,860 --> 00:24:54,533
Well, because
I didn't commit suicide, Mr Wickers.
468
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:58,050
But do you know how bad
that note has made me feel?
469
00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:01,410
No, but I...
I have enjoyed imagining it.
470
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:05,169
Tarring and feathering Isobel Pickwell
will always have consequences.
471
00:25:05,220 --> 00:25:07,529
Now, listen to me carefully.
I need your help.
472
00:25:07,580 --> 00:25:10,538
OK, but can I wash my face first?
473
00:25:10,580 --> 00:25:14,289
I feel like I've received
a money shot from Morph.
474
00:25:19,460 --> 00:25:23,419
Your little chicken escapade
gave me the perfect alibi.
475
00:25:23,460 --> 00:25:25,655
Fake my own death,
cash in my life insurance
476
00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:28,214
and get out of this hellhole for good.
477
00:25:28,260 --> 00:25:29,579
Where will you go?
478
00:25:29,620 --> 00:25:33,056
Well, I've got a pen pal in Argentina.
479
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:36,251
A German gentleman.
I can't reveal his true identity,
480
00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:39,656
but he goes by the code name
of the Beast of Bergandor.
481
00:25:39,700 --> 00:25:41,770
Yep. He's a dentist.
482
00:25:41,820 --> 00:25:44,288
90-odd. Very courtly.
483
00:25:45,740 --> 00:25:49,016
Yeah, I'm...
I'm really happy for you.
484
00:25:49,060 --> 00:25:50,812
But where do I fit into this?
485
00:25:50,860 --> 00:25:51,895
I need ?1,000.
486
00:25:51,940 --> 00:25:53,612
(LAUGHS) ?1,000.
487
00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:55,332
That's, like, my life savings,
and, anyway,
488
00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:57,257
why would I give you a grand?
489
00:25:57,300 --> 00:25:59,530
Because you're the only person
that wants to keep me dead.
490
00:25:59,580 --> 00:26:01,810
Unless of course you'd like me
to return to the school?
491
00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:03,612
Cash or transfer?
492
00:26:06,060 --> 00:26:08,449
Done. Money's in your account.
493
00:26:11,220 --> 00:26:13,859
You know, you're going to be missed.
494
00:26:13,900 --> 00:26:16,892
Even Frank Grayson was devastated.
495
00:26:16,940 --> 00:26:18,259
Yeah, most def, most def.
496
00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:22,657
He may have got the idea
from... somewhere that, erm,
497
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:24,895
he might have a little blood on his hands,
too.
498
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:47,013
(SCREAMS)
499
00:26:47,060 --> 00:26:50,735
Right. How many people did you
personally blame for your death?
500
00:26:50,780 --> 00:26:53,214
Hmm. About five.
501
00:26:53,260 --> 00:26:55,216
Yeah, I like to have a few plates
spinning.
502
00:26:55,260 --> 00:26:56,932
Yeah, see which one breaks first.
503
00:26:56,980 --> 00:26:58,015
OK.
504
00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:03,133
Actually, erm...
505
00:27:04,660 --> 00:27:07,618
...thank you for that memorial,
Mr Wickers. It was...
506
00:27:09,140 --> 00:27:11,370
Well, it was quite the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen!
507
00:27:11,420 --> 00:27:15,095
In fact, I've only ever really dreamt
508
00:27:15,140 --> 00:27:16,334
of such a scene
509
00:27:16,380 --> 00:27:20,612
whilst sitting knickerless
on my tumble dryer.
510
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:23,133
Oh, God.
511
00:27:23,180 --> 00:27:25,091
Why do you have to leave me
with thatimage?
512
00:27:25,140 --> 00:27:28,735
No-one must ever know of our pact,
Mr Wickers.
513
00:27:28,780 --> 00:27:30,816
I trust you, Alfie.
514
00:27:30,860 --> 00:27:35,490
Do not lead the guards to me
in the garden.
515
00:27:35,540 --> 00:27:36,689
Yeah.
516
00:27:41,740 --> 00:27:42,809
(HE WHIMPERS)
517
00:27:43,860 --> 00:27:45,418
(SQUELCHING KISSES)
518
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,770
Rub...
519
00:27:50,820 --> 00:27:54,495
#I want to rub your body, rub... #
520
00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,579
Phew.
521
00:27:59,620 --> 00:28:01,019
Nothing.
522
00:28:06,940 --> 00:28:08,532
Yeh proper tings
523
00:28:22,260 --> 00:28:24,728
Original styleWe come to kick the drum
524
00:28:24,780 --> 00:28:27,769
The wicked money spoilYeh...
Ripped By mstoll
525
00:28:27,819 --> 00:28:32,369
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