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1
00:00:00,100 --> 00:00:03,420
Lock and load, bitches.
2
00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:06,140
It's Class Wars!
3
00:00:06,180 --> 00:00:09,900
Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. You're
the advancing German army.
4
00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:12,900
Right, it's the 27th May, 1940.
5
00:00:12,940 --> 00:00:15,300
Thousands of British troops
have been stranded
6
00:00:15,340 --> 00:00:17,140
on the beaches of Dunkirk.
7
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:19,260
French beach?
Is it one of those topless ones?
8
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,700
No, Chantelle. Keep your
clothes on, and prepare for battle!
9
00:00:31,660 --> 00:00:35,860
Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.
10
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:38,060
Er, where did you come from?
11
00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:41,300
All the way from Harvard University,
sunshine state of California,
12
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,300
reporting for duty, sir!
13
00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:45,380
Yeah, we're doing Dunkirk.
14
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:47,740
Which means you're about
four years too early, mate.
15
00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:50,460
You're doing humour.
I love British humour.
16
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,620
Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?
17
00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:54,180
Please can I have another crumpet!
18
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:56,740
All right, settle down,
everybody. Take a seat.
19
00:00:56,780 --> 00:00:58,820
Is he fucking mental?
20
00:00:58,860 --> 00:01:01,700
Oi, Dick Van Dyke.
What the hell are you doing here?
21
00:01:01,740 --> 00:01:03,380
This is my class.
22
00:01:03,420 --> 00:01:06,740
Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you?
I'm here to take over Form K.
23
00:01:06,780 --> 00:01:10,260
Er, no, you're not,
these are my pupils.
24
00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:11,940
Sorry, hombre. Not anymore.
25
00:01:11,980 --> 00:01:17,340
Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre.
I'm in charge around here.
26
00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:20,660
I've got their respect.
I'm like a God to them.
27
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,260
Sieg heil, Bastian
Schweinsteiger!
28
00:01:26,740 --> 00:01:29,380
What? Dunkirk was at sea.
29
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:04,540
'Welcome to Radio Frase.
The chat quota of LBC,'
30
00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:10,500
but with a host who was loved
as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!
31
00:02:10,540 --> 00:02:14,220
Last one there gets a
detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.
32
00:02:14,260 --> 00:02:18,300
First announcement
on the new Tannoy, check.
33
00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:20,420
Felt weird without any
trousers on.
34
00:02:20,460 --> 00:02:24,140
Note to self - fake tan
and white slacks don't mix...
35
00:02:24,180 --> 00:02:26,300
The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?
36
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:30,980
'Just to clarify,
I am wearing underpants. '
37
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,620
Oh, God!
38
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,900
Have you seen Pickwell?
39
00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:45,180
God, when I see her, I'm going to
give it to her with both barrels.
40
00:02:47,940 --> 00:02:49,260
Dick.
41
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,020
Maybe a change will do you good?
42
00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,860
Yeah, you would say that,
cradle snatcher.
43
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:56,980
Alex is three years younger
than you. We're happy.
44
00:02:57,020 --> 00:02:58,220
Get over it.
45
00:02:58,260 --> 00:02:59,620
Did you have a fun weekend?
46
00:02:59,660 --> 00:03:01,700
We went for a lovely, romantic meal.
47
00:03:01,740 --> 00:03:04,260
A Happy Meal, was it?
What toy did she get?
48
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,380
If anyone's a child here, it's you.
Great.
49
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:09,140
Well, that means you can set
me and Alex up on play dates.
50
00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:11,620
Well, she does have
some very fun toys.
51
00:03:12,780 --> 00:03:14,020
Oh!
52
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:20,180
Hello, willkommen and awooga!
53
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:24,420
Item one. The school's got a couple of
new furry friends. And I'm not
54
00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:28,900
talking about the pair of puppies
Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.
55
00:03:28,940 --> 00:03:33,060
Woof woof!
# Who let the dogs out? #
56
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,900
Um, puberty let the dogs out.
57
00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:41,020
It's normal for your bodies
to change and grow.
58
00:03:41,060 --> 00:03:43,740
In fact, the other day,
I thought I found a lump.
59
00:03:43,780 --> 00:03:45,180
Don't worry, nothing cancerous,
60
00:03:45,220 --> 00:03:49,380
turns out it was just a knot of dead
skin in the old pork purse.
61
00:03:49,420 --> 00:03:51,980
Rats. We've got rats.
62
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:55,660
Rats are really just big black mice,
like Rastamouse.
63
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:57,500
So, don't be scared of them,
64
00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:02,060
and please, please, please
don't tell your parents.
65
00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:06,940
Item two. The PE teacher has quit to
become a tree surgeon. I know!
66
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,420
Email from his lawyer
saying something about
67
00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:11,940
operations on a yew tree.
Good luck to the guy.
68
00:04:11,980 --> 00:04:15,420
Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's
going to be taking over
69
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:18,060
the school's worst performing
class, Special K...
70
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,220
um, Form K.
71
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:26,820
As the Archbishop of Banterbury, I
hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.
72
00:04:31,740 --> 00:04:33,620
Explosion, shrapnel.
73
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:39,100
That handshake is the best thing that's
ever happened to me.
74
00:04:41,340 --> 00:04:43,260
So, a little about me.
75
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,820
I just got back from Malawi,
Africa,
76
00:04:45,860 --> 00:04:49,500
where I was helping the victims of a
savage civil war.
77
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:52,460
But I am sure as heck pretty
darn excited to be here now
78
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,260
in Watford, United Kingdom.
79
00:04:57,180 --> 00:04:59,900
OK, so I'm going
to be teaching history,
80
00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:01,700
and helping out with the gym class.
81
00:05:01,740 --> 00:05:05,740
So I guess you're wondering what
qualifies this guy to teach gym?
82
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:06,820
Yes.
83
00:05:06,860 --> 00:05:10,340
Well, I did make a brief
appearance at the Olympics
84
00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:13,980
here in London, England,
on Team USA.
85
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,340
Whoo!
86
00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:16,780
What do you want? A medal?
87
00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:19,180
I won gold with the coxless four.
88
00:05:21,140 --> 00:05:25,020
Now I want to give you guys
a taste of the good old US of A.
89
00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:28,340
But I will leave
the school food to you.
90
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:31,540
I'm not saying my students back home
were chunky or anything,
91
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:34,340
but I could catch them skipping class on
Google Earth.
92
00:05:36,140 --> 00:05:39,060
Let's hope they keep the gun
culture at home as well, mate.
93
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:42,980
We all know why they keep their kids
so fat. Bigger targets.
94
00:05:47,260 --> 00:05:49,100
High school massacres?
95
00:05:50,260 --> 00:05:51,660
Am I right?
96
00:05:52,780 --> 00:05:54,860
Yeah?
97
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,220
Come on - he's yanking your chain.
98
00:05:57,260 --> 00:05:58,780
Gallows humour.
99
00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:02,500
Throw him in the bloody Tower with
Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.
100
00:06:04,060 --> 00:06:05,340
Classic!
101
00:06:05,380 --> 00:06:10,900
Someone lock this guy up in
Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?
102
00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:12,820
Oh! Who's with me?
103
00:06:12,860 --> 00:06:14,980
I love Justin Timberlake.
104
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,300
Mr Wickers not with you?
105
00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:23,780
Why, do you want him?
106
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:25,460
I don't "want" him.
107
00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:28,060
I just thought he'd be yapping
around your cankles
108
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:32,100
like some over-excited puppy that needs
a good spade to the genitals.
109
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:38,660
Just to clarify, because I don't want
you misreading any signals,
110
00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:44,420
it may shock you to learn that
a sexual carnivore like myself
111
00:06:44,460 --> 00:06:48,420
was, for a spell, herbivorous.
112
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:51,820
Well, I don't understand a word of what
you just said but I'm guessing
113
00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:54,660
it's something to do with the
fact I've got a girlfriend?
114
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:56,860
I understand your surprise now,
115
00:06:56,900 --> 00:07:01,220
but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down
the caper bush for ever.
116
00:07:01,260 --> 00:07:03,140
Are you trying to flirt with me?
117
00:07:03,180 --> 00:07:07,780
No! No, no, no. Women cannot live
on pitta alone.
118
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:10,020
I need a little kofte in my kebab.
119
00:07:10,060 --> 00:07:13,780
Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief
to many, many men.
120
00:07:13,820 --> 00:07:17,580
I want you to know that I am...
121
00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:19,900
Back on solids.
122
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,660
Phew.
123
00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:31,820
We need to talk about Kevin.
124
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:34,460
You can talk to me
about anything you want.
125
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:37,700
My door is so open,
it's off its hinges.
126
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:43,820
Yeah, I get it. Very clever.
127
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,020
Why didn't you tell me
I was losing my class?
128
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:47,860
After that fire
at the swimming gala,
129
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:51,420
Pickwell has got my jolly pink
giant by the scruff of its neck.
130
00:07:51,460 --> 00:07:52,940
She said either I hire Kevin
131
00:07:52,980 --> 00:07:55,860
or she reports me to various
child welfare agencies,
132
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:58,940
none of which are mahusive fans
of Super-F.
133
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:01,700
Well, I don't care
where I have to take this fight -
134
00:08:01,740 --> 00:08:03,340
I'm getting my kids back.
135
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:06,660
Oh, BT dubs, if you're planning a
Fathers for Justice-style protest,
136
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:09,460
I've got wide a variety of superhero
costumes you could borrow.
137
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,580
The only one I can't lend you
is the Superman one.
138
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,020
Why not?
139
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,300
How long have you been
wearing that?
140
00:08:17,340 --> 00:08:20,860
Every day for four years. In case I need
to save the school bus.
141
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:25,820
Buttons, buttons...
Where are the buttons?
142
00:08:34,420 --> 00:08:37,700
Right, look, you can't just give
my class away.
143
00:08:37,740 --> 00:08:39,780
Can too. Can not.
144
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,220
Can can, can can.
I can do the can can.
145
00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:44,980
Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and
my class want me back.
146
00:08:45,020 --> 00:08:46,540
They would take a bullet for me.
147
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,620
Ha! I find that hard to believe.
148
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:50,740
What the hell is that?
149
00:08:54,180 --> 00:08:57,740
OK. Right, you are aware this
isn't Hogwarts?
150
00:08:57,780 --> 00:09:01,580
Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld.
Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.
151
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,620
Why is there an owl on your arm?
152
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,780
Well, Mr Fraser's attempts
to eradicate the vermin
153
00:09:05,820 --> 00:09:07,580
have, thus far, been
unsuccessful, so...
154
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,020
An owl is the solution?
155
00:09:09,060 --> 00:09:12,540
Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but
some precious Red Tape Susan
156
00:09:12,580 --> 00:09:15,580
said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and
children are incompatible.
157
00:09:15,620 --> 00:09:17,740
Hence, Rumsfeld and I
are hunting rats...
158
00:09:17,780 --> 00:09:20,580
Oh, and there's one
in particular that's so grubby,
159
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:24,580
even turds retch as they glide past him
in the sewer.
160
00:09:24,620 --> 00:09:28,660
OK, well, I assume I'm that rat in that
little pooey analogy of yours.
161
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,060
But let me tell you this, there
is
162
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:33,220
absolutely no way on Earth that I'm
going to stand by and watch you...
163
00:09:33,260 --> 00:09:36,780
Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to
meet your new form now?
164
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,020
Fine.
165
00:09:42,340 --> 00:09:43,980
I'm teaching 2J?
166
00:09:44,020 --> 00:09:46,580
Putting me in there is like
putting Justin Bieber
167
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,140
on the main stage at Reading.
They'll murder me.
168
00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:51,340
Remember - don't look them
in the eye.
169
00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:55,820
Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just
marking their territory.
170
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:58,420
As I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death...
171
00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:00,940
I take a look at my life
and realise there's nothing left
172
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,580
Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'
173
00:10:02,620 --> 00:10:05,100
so long that even my momma
thinks that my mind is gone.
174
00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,500
I didn't know you were a
Coolio fan!
175
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,140
It's the Bible. Psalm 23.
176
00:10:09,180 --> 00:10:10,980
Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.
177
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:12,940
It's a tune, though,
I'll give you that.
178
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,740
Oh, I forgot to mention,
they're studying this.
179
00:10:23,180 --> 00:10:24,540
Right.
180
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:27,300
Listen up, you little bastards.
181
00:10:27,340 --> 00:10:32,300
Before we begin, I want to
make one thing crystal clear.
182
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:42,060
I could kick the shit out of you
in a fight.
183
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,700
And don't think that I wouldn't just
because you're smaller than me
184
00:10:45,740 --> 00:10:47,660
and some of you are little girls.
185
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:52,620
Any questions? No. Thought not.
186
00:10:52,660 --> 00:10:55,780
Beowulf, chapter one.
187
00:10:55,820 --> 00:11:00,900
In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun
pur-pon diddly dee di
188
00:11:00,940 --> 00:11:02,700
diddle-um dee didly dom...
189
00:11:07,860 --> 00:11:09,940
Six minutes, 17 seconds.
190
00:11:09,980 --> 00:11:11,540
They're monsters! They're 11.
191
00:11:11,580 --> 00:11:14,300
Just think of it as babysitting.
I'm not a babysitter.
192
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,380
No, of course you're not.
They are babysitting you.
193
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,460
I see visions of me dead.
Lord, are you there?
194
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:21,460
The Bible? Tupac.
195
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:22,740
No, please!
196
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,340
A little orphan looked up at
me and said...
197
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:38,180
Nicola Berti's been stabbed!
198
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:39,740
Don't worry, I know first aid.
199
00:11:39,780 --> 00:11:42,300
She's bleeding out by
the school gates. Go, quick!
200
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,060
Go. Go.
201
00:11:46,660 --> 00:11:49,380
Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.
202
00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:52,100
Is Nicola going to die?
Nicola?
203
00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:56,100
Oh, no, that was just something I said
to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.
204
00:11:56,140 --> 00:11:59,020
Gullible! So not LOL, sir.
205
00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:00,380
What's that?
206
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,980
Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon
for Protect the Rhino.
207
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:05,860
Protect the rhino?
They're basically dinosaurs!
208
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:08,140
I think they can look after
themselves.
209
00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:12,780
I have been thinking long and hard about
how I'm going to get you back.
210
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:15,380
I have considered
every possible option -
211
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:18,820
and I'm going to need one of you to say
that Kevin touched you.
212
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:23,140
A little fiddle. Anyone?
213
00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:27,740
Oh, God, you guys are so square!
214
00:12:28,820 --> 00:12:29,980
Joe?
215
00:12:30,020 --> 00:12:33,180
Your new haircut's given you
a kind of choirboy vibe.
216
00:12:33,220 --> 00:12:34,820
They tend to dig that look.
217
00:12:34,860 --> 00:12:36,060
No way.
218
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:40,860
I just want my class back.
What am I going to do?
219
00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:43,140
Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.
220
00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:47,300
Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux,
let the man-hunt begin.
221
00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:48,940
Come and get us, Interpol.
222
00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:50,860
I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.
223
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,100
Shoot. Right!
224
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,660
We're going to need a van,
some cable ties and an alibi.
225
00:12:54,700 --> 00:12:57,500
Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your
parents' honeymoon.
226
00:12:57,540 --> 00:13:00,900
We have to get rid of Kevin
somehow. He's such a dick.
227
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,020
Isn't he?
228
00:13:04,820 --> 00:13:09,580
Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's
actually pretty rad.
229
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:12,180
Rad? Who are you?
230
00:13:12,220 --> 00:13:14,700
Look, what has this guy got
that I haven't?
231
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:17,820
Timetables. Abs.
Dress sense. A penis.
232
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:21,420
Mr Schwimer went to college
with Ashton Kutcher.
233
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:25,660
So what? Give a shit?
I've got celebrity friends, too.
234
00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,940
My friend Atticus Hoye
was on Total Wipeout.
235
00:13:28,980 --> 00:13:32,020
Mr Schwimer's a pro skater,
sir. He invented his own trick.
236
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:34,340
What else has he done?
Turned water into wine?
237
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,260
He's teetotal.
238
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,820
Jesus! As if he couldn't get
any creepier!
239
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:42,580
Kids, if I can teach you
one thing about life,
240
00:13:42,620 --> 00:13:44,900
never trust a man
that doesn't drink.
241
00:13:44,940 --> 00:13:46,780
Has Kevin just been
peacocking all morning?
242
00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:48,380
Has he actually taught you anything?
243
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:49,980
The English kings and queens.
244
00:13:50,020 --> 00:13:52,340
All of them?
That's impossible.
245
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:54,900
Five, six, seven, eight...
246
00:13:54,940 --> 00:13:58,060
Willie, Willie, Harry, Stee,
Harry, Dick-John, Harry three,
247
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:01,460
one two three Neds, Richard two,
Harrys four five, six, then who?
248
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,460
Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys
seven-eight, Ned the Lad,
249
00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:07,780
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie,
Charlie, James again,
250
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:11,060
William Mary, Anna Gloria, Four Georges,
William and Victoria,
251
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,380
Edward seven next, and then
George the fifth in 1910,
252
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:18,140
Ned the eighth soon abdicated then
George the sixth was coronated,
253
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:22,940
and if you've not lost your breath,
give a cheer for Elizabeth.
254
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:32,180
Meh! When would you actually use that?
255
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:35,220
I teach you
transferable life skills,
256
00:14:35,260 --> 00:14:38,100
like the rap from
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!
257
00:14:38,140 --> 00:14:40,980
In West Philadelphia,
born and raised...
258
00:14:41,020 --> 00:14:43,300
Please, not again.
259
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:44,900
Stop it.
260
00:14:45,980 --> 00:14:48,020
Oh!
261
00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:51,220
Please help me! I hate 2J!
262
00:14:52,260 --> 00:14:56,060
One of them made me...
fellate a Pritt Stick.
263
00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:57,860
My mouth's still gluey.
264
00:14:59,620 --> 00:15:02,460
Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell?
Flirt your way out of it.
265
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:04,020
You can practise on me, if you like.
266
00:15:04,060 --> 00:15:05,900
Please, Chantelle!
267
00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,940
I would have to try
literally everything
268
00:15:08,980 --> 00:15:11,540
before I resorted
to flirting with Pickwell.
269
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:19,780
Hey, Izz.
You're looking pretty fit today.
270
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:24,540
How do you get that lovely
natural glow to your skin?
271
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:28,100
Pumice and bleach. What do you want?
272
00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:32,060
Just wanted to ask you a question.
273
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,060
Are you from Tennessee?
274
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:39,900
Cos you're the only
ten-ah-see.
275
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:45,260
Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,
276
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:47,780
turn my onesie into a twosie?
277
00:15:49,420 --> 00:15:52,460
Hey, was your dad a thief?
278
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:55,340
No, he was a butcher
in East Kilbride.
279
00:15:55,380 --> 00:16:00,180
Because he stole the stars
and put them in your eyes.
280
00:16:00,220 --> 00:16:03,900
Was your father a surgeon, because he
stole the brain of an ape
281
00:16:03,940 --> 00:16:07,980
and put it into the body
of a hairy little girl.
282
00:16:08,020 --> 00:16:13,060
Come, come, Iso-bel,
there's no need to be like that.
283
00:16:14,780 --> 00:16:17,260
Oh, silly me.
284
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,180
30 minutes. Me on top.
285
00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,180
Penetrative.
286
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:37,340
Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,
287
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:40,140
should you wish to screw
your way out of this.
288
00:16:40,180 --> 00:16:41,700
Oh, and biting.
289
00:16:41,740 --> 00:16:45,900
Lots and lots of biting.
290
00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:59,500
# Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
291
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:01,900
# We could never get free
292
00:17:01,940 --> 00:17:05,060
# I just wanna be
I just wanna be
293
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:10,380
# Look at me, I just can't believe what
they've done to me
294
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:14,020
# We could never get free
I just wanna be
295
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:17,220
# Look at me
296
00:17:19,220 --> 00:17:21,300
# I just can't believe
297
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:28,020
I just wanna dream,
dream...
298
00:17:28,060 --> 00:17:30,820
Yo, alpha male!
299
00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,460
Hey, you know Kevin DJs?
He's coming round mine later.
300
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,300
I'm gonna play my mash-up of Chaka Khan
and Chaka Demus and Pliers.
301
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,500
It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan.
Are you in?
302
00:17:38,540 --> 00:17:40,500
Oh, God, no, I can't.
303
00:17:40,540 --> 00:17:43,020
I've got to go home tonight and run a
bath to slit my wrists in
304
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,860
because someone gave my class away to
some stupid American
305
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:49,500
that they've all fallen in love with and
I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.
306
00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:51,180
Why have you got a recorder?
307
00:17:51,220 --> 00:17:52,340
Well, I read this article
308
00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:54,820
written by a freelance pest
control expert in Germany.
309
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:55,980
From what I could gather,
310
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:59,820
his method for drawing the rats away
from the villagers was this...
311
00:18:02,340 --> 00:18:03,460
The Pied Piper?
312
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,660
Yeah, the Pied Piper!
You know him? Hm!
313
00:18:08,220 --> 00:18:11,020
Mitchell, what are you guys doing?
314
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:14,900
I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend
Mr Schwimer his skateboard.
315
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,660
Oi, catch the rugger
ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.
316
00:18:21,580 --> 00:18:24,700
Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?
317
00:18:24,740 --> 00:18:28,060
Er, I can't.
No, I mean, with my knees!
318
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,900
I mean, they're just in super
real bad shape, you know,
319
00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:32,260
after the marathon.
320
00:18:32,300 --> 00:18:34,260
Don't be a pussy, sir!
Yeah, go on, sir!
321
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,540
I bet you're amazing at it.
I'll do a trick.
322
00:18:36,580 --> 00:18:39,260
Well, yeah! Yeah,
Mr Wickers will do the trick!
323
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,940
Can you skate?
Tony Hawkes, intermediate.
324
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:43,660
Gaming don't make you a skater,
you melt.
325
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:47,300
Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit
for breakfast, Mitchell.
326
00:18:47,340 --> 00:18:49,220
Just give me the board, dickhead.
327
00:18:52,820 --> 00:18:54,820
And stand back, kids -
328
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:57,900
this school's insurance policy
doesn't cover blown minds.
329
00:18:57,940 --> 00:19:00,580
Hash-tag this shit gonna be cray.
330
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:03,220
This shit gonna be
50 shades of cray.
331
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:06,940
Wick-ers, Wick-ers,
Wick-ers, Wick-ers!
332
00:19:12,220 --> 00:19:14,420
Oh! Oh, shit!
333
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,020
You OK, buddy?
334
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:26,620
Am I dead?
335
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:45,860
Oh, Mother Theresa,
where did it all go wrong?
336
00:19:52,580 --> 00:19:53,580
Sir?
337
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:58,580
Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?
338
00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:00,740
Mr Schwimer's friend
from the British Museum
339
00:20:00,780 --> 00:20:02,380
lent him some weapons and armour.
340
00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:05,340
They're all outside doing a Civil War
re-enactment.
341
00:20:05,380 --> 00:20:08,500
Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?
342
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,400
I need to talk to you
about something.
343
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,000
My Dzenga?
Do you remember when
344
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:15,500
we used this to run through
9/11 conspiracy theories?
345
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,336
See? Still
got the FBI dynamite on it.
346
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,700
Look! It's all the Jews that
didn't go into work that day.
347
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,238
Take it. Something
to remember me by.
348
00:20:27,639 --> 00:20:30,339
You're not dying.
-Inside I am, Jing.
349
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,600
But it's all right.
I understand.
350
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,360
I have to let you go.
351
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,240
Just promise me this.
352
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,760
Don't ever let that man
patronise you.
353
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:45,160
Look! My suffragette glove puppets!
"Please give me the vote. "
354
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,040
"Watch out for the horsey!"
355
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,360
Listen. Mr Schwimer
isn't who he says he is.
356
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,680
Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,
357
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:58,400
he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth
Junior the Third.
358
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,520
But he isn't perfect!
359
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:05,720
Look at this photo.
Something's not right.
360
00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:06,800
Look.
361
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,800
Oh, my god. The jogger behind him
has a semi.
362
00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:12,720
No, Mr Schwimer.
363
00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,280
Mr Schwimer's got a semi?
364
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,520
The hand!
365
00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:20,040
That's a wedding ring -
and it's a ladies arm.
366
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,520
Mr Schwimer isn't married...
or a lady.
367
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,000
I knew there was something
wrong with him from the start.
368
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:28,120
It's his eyes, right?
Too close together. No!
369
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360
He said he went
to Harvard, California,
370
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,080
but Harvard's in
Massachusetts.
371
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,520
And did you see how reluctant
the pro skater was in doing a trick?
372
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,640
Why are you helping me, Jing?
373
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,800
Because I love this class. It's just not
the same without you.
374
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:45,960
You're an idiot, but you're also a nice,
kind man.
375
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,800
Let's destroy this bastard's life.
376
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,160
It's mash-up time, dedicated to my new
best buddy,
377
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,800
two time Superbowl winning
champion Mr Schwimer.
378
00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:23,200
And one of my ancestors actually fought
in the Battle of Agincourt.
379
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,880
Oi! Kevin.
380
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,080
Yo, G.
381
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,600
Mr Wickers to you, mate.
382
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,880
It's time you confessed.
383
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:30,440
Let me see your arms.
384
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:31,720
My arms?
385
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,680
Oh, mi lud,
stick a shilling up me chuffer!
386
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,880
This is another one of your
dry, British irony jokes, right?
387
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:40,920
Stop trying to rape
Mr Schwimer, sir.
388
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,440
Shut up, Mitchell!
389
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:45,480
Are those your arms?
390
00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,840
Yes.
391
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:49,040
They look pretty feminine to me.
392
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:50,320
I have slim arms.
393
00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:54,360
Slim, hairless,
married ladies' arms?
394
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:56,160
Yes. Oh, funny that,
395
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:59,560
cos didn't you win a gold medal in
the Olympic rowing, right?
396
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:00,840
Um...
397
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,240
The US team won bronze,
and you weren't in it.
398
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,080
I don't even remember saying that.
399
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,760
You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.
400
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,800
Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.
401
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:14,200
Don't bring the war into this!
You weren't there, man.
402
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:18,800
No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because
there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.
403
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,520
You're a pathological liar.
404
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,080
So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to
say for yourself?
405
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:26,120
Spit it out. We're all ears.
406
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:34,880
Sure, I exaggerate a bit.
I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
407
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,040
I just wanted you to like me.
408
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:42,240
Oh, God, a teacher
craving his pupils' approval?
409
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:45,600
Pathetic. Go on, piss off.
410
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,080
So it was all lies?
411
00:23:47,120 --> 00:23:48,440
You never won the Superbowl?
412
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,880
You don't know Ashton?
413
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:52,120
I'll never meet Demi.
414
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:53,400
It's all fake.
415
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:58,840
The stories, the Harvard education,
this stupid plastic armour.
416
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,000
What? Yeah, these shitty little toy
guns.
417
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,400
Please be careful!
Those are actually antique.
418
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,560
Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a
buddy at the British Museum!
419
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,880
Argh!
420
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:15,840
They were loaded! Are you insane?
421
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,520
They weren't supposed to be fired!
422
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:19,920
You shot him in the arse!
Brilliant!
423
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:21,440
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
424
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,800
Don't worry, Joe, it's just
a little flesh wound.
425
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,320
HELP! HELP!
426
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,680
Someone go and get help.
Does anyone know first aid?
427
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,160
I do. Really?
428
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,000
No. Oh, Jesus!
429
00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,160
Sir, you're meant to suck
the bullet out.
430
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,960
No, you idiot,
you're meant to piss on it.
431
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,680
That's jellyfish, you tit!
Wait - that is jellyfish, right?
432
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,120
Lie on your front.
433
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:45,600
No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it,
I'm desperate, anyway. No, sir!
434
00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,080
Joe, just a quick one.
435
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,640
You know the way your mum's not a
massive fan of mine,
436
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,080
if she asks about this -
she might not -
437
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,280
could you maybe tell her that you sat on
the bullet? Argh!
438
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:59,360
Wrong moment. Help! HELP!
439
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,160
Sir literally gave him
a new arsehole.
440
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,280
Why is no-one coming?
Pass me the other gun!
441
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:04,920
Gonna put him
out of his misery, sir?
442
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,640
No, distress signal. Give it here.
443
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:17,320
Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!
444
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,360
Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead,
please don't be dead.
445
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,800
One two, one two.
446
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,480
Come on, Rumsfeld.
Don't fly towards the light.
447
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,880
Pickwell's coming. Oh, no!
448
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,680
Right, if anyone asks,
Kevin fired the guns.
449
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,400
Yup. Sure. Definitely.
That's a lie!
450
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,680
Is it a lie?
Or am I just exaggerating?
451
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:43,400
My baby!
452
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,640
I heard gunshots!
453
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:48,240
The man of steel is here
to save the day.
454
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,360
Are you OK, sweetheart?
455
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,840
My bum hurts.
456
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,080
Not for the first time.
457
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:58,600
Keep pressure on the wound.
What have you done?
458
00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:04,840
It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver.
I fired the gun by mistake.
459
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:08,960
See, you told me my kids wouldn't take
a bullet for me, but...
460
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,880
Joe's a hero, miss. He threw
his arse in front of the bullet!
461
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:15,040
Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner
in The Bodyguard.
462
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,200
Forget about the boy!
Rumsfeld!
463
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,640
This man has lied about everything!
464
00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,720
Except for the bit about
shooting Joe. I'm a fraud.
465
00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:26,120
But what about my mash-ups?
You said you liked them?
466
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,400
I didn't really.
467
00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,040
You're dead to me.
468
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:32,440
When we confronted him, he freaked out
and turned the gun on Joe.
469
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:34,480
And then he reloaded
to shoot your pigeon.
470
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,080
I have a problem.
I can't help lying.
471
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,520
I say one thing
and then it just spirals.
472
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:44,040
I'm not even
from America. I'm from Birmingham.
473
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,600
Not even Birmingham, actually.
474
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:50,840
Dudley, near Tipton, you know,
off the A4123.
475
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:52,520
Sorry, everyone.
476
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,640
Now I've been honest, can we be buddies?
I've got a jetpack.
477
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,680
I flew to France on it,
all the way... Brrrrrr!
478
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,360
D'you want to have a go?
479
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,480
I'll have a go.
480
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,800
He's lying again, isn't he?
481
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,440
If you ever set foot
on these premises again,
482
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:11,880
I will personally send you back to
Dudley piece by piece.
483
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,480
Starting with these.
484
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,800
Does this mean
we get Mr Wickers back?
485
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,240
I think it does.
486
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,080
Yes!
487
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,720
That's right, kids,
Daddy's back for good.
488
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:32,280
And I will never, ever let you get put
in danger again,
489
00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:35,920
because I am here
to protect you children.
490
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:40,680
23rd October, 1942.
The tank battle of El-Alamein.
491
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,400
Rommel, ready?
492
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,680
Monty, ready?
493
00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,080
Three, two, one!
494
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,120
Oh, fuck!
495
00:27:57,170 --> 00:28:01,720
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