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1
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,360
Yo, what's going down my...
n-word?
2
00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,760
Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it.
What the Harry Hill? Are you...?
3
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,800
Conducting a seance? Yes.
It's interactive learning. Hold yer Ouija boards,
4
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,800
because today is the biggest day
in the school sporting calendar!
5
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,240
It's the big footie match
against Middleton House.
6
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,400
Really? Here?
7
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:27,920
Yes, but you can understand that
they're a little sensitive after last year -
8
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,280
16 of their state-of-the-art
Mac Book Pros went missing.
9
00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:32,320
17, actually.
10
00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,800
I've just heard that the PE
teacher's going to be unavailable for the game.
11
00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:42,280
Slightly garbled message from him
saying that he'll either be back by two or in two to five years.
12
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:44,480
Something to do with DNA evidence.
13
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,440
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
14
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:52,200
A chance to stand up to those posho
bullies. Tell them you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more.
15
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:55,440
Not this again. Why does everyone
think I was bullied at Middleton?
16
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,040
Your girly run.
The way you throw.
17
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,240
Your Facebook wall.
I wasn't bullied, all right?
18
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,920
Come on, Alf. It's in the bag.
19
00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:05,960
We're unbeatable this season. We're
like the Invincible Arse-gunners.
20
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,400
You know nothing about football,
do you? No.
21
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:13,360
Do you know anything about sport?
I like the Red Arrows! Whoosh! So, whaddya say?
22
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:16,760
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
23
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,600
But Sir, you promised
we could talk to Hitler.
24
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,040
Well, it's not like he's going
anywhere.
25
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:52,600
Yo! What's up team?
26
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:59,280
This sesh is all about you getting
to know your new gaffer.
27
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,480
Yeah. The boss man.
28
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,840
The special one.
29
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,080
Il Classico.
30
00:02:07,080 --> 00:02:08,760
Why are you calling us team?
31
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,600
Cos you're my guys, right,
and I thought this match,
32
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,480
perfect opportunity for you to get
involved in the big game.
33
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,520
Hang on, what happened to
the actual football team?
34
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,000
Nothing.
35
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:28,440
So the last man has to be behind,
and in front, erm,
36
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:33,560
if it's two of them it goes to
deadlock and then it's done on public vote.
37
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,000
Yep. That, that's the offside rule
in a nutshell.
38
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:42,480
I can't believe you were
ostracised by the entire first team.
39
00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,040
Ostracised. "Oh, my name's Joe
and I use long words."
40
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,000
Hang about,
ain't there a second team?
41
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,960
Yeah.
42
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,600
Bwarch! Guys! bawrch!
43
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:04,000
Look, sometimes it's good to have
a little re-jig of the team.
44
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,240
I mean, look at...
45
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:07,720
The Sugababes.
46
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,960
You know jack shit about football.
47
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,720
Well, Mitchell, if you came
to my bedroom there is a certain
48
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,960
Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
49
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,480
Did you just invite me
to your bedroom?
50
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720
I'll play. Great. You play?
51
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,440
She's had one-on-ones with
some of the game's big names. And a couple of two-on-ones.
52
00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:25,880
Who? A lady never breaks
a super-injunction.
53
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:32,040
OK. Jing, you in?
54
00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:35,280
Bring the team some of that
unflappable Far Eastern work ethic.
55
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:39,120
It's not a national sport
but there's that fella that plays for United.
56
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:48,000
Yeah, that's his name, so...?
Not in a million years.
57
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,000
Come on. One of you must want
to play?
58
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,440
I'm pretty good at football.
59
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,880
Yeah, he is.
He's just like Ashley Cole.
60
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:56,920
That's very sweet
but don't be silly.
61
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,960
But we all know the only reason
you want us to play this stupid game
62
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,240
is to get back at your old school
for bullying ya.
63
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:05,760
Why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
64
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,840
Oi, dick wad! Hello, Grayson.
65
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,680
What's my position?
You... you want to play?
66
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:15,680
I'll play for this team
all right, Downton, but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs.
67
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,800
This doesn't mean we're mates,
and I still think you're a piece.
68
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,280
Great, um, but, I thought you
weren't allowed to play.
69
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,920
Yeah, well I'm back now, innit.
Finished serving my ban.
70
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,040
Why were you banned?
71
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,280
Off the ball incident.
72
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,040
What was it? Two footed tackle?
73
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,080
Arson. Right. Good.
74
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:39,600
See, that is exactly the kind
of passion that I'm looking for.
75
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,360
I think I've found myself a skipper.
76
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:47,800
So, who else wants to join
the revolution with me
77
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,560
and my buddy Frank?
78
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,160
You call me that again
and I'll firebomb your shed.
79
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:58,760
Me and my colleague here,
Mr Grayson.
80
00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,760
We're going to get dicked on.
81
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,720
No-one?
82
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:07,400
Please, I'm desperate.
83
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:13,240
What have I got to do to
convince you to play?
84
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,920
PHONE RINGS
85
00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,880
ALFIE VOICEMAIL GREETING:
"Hi, you're through to Alfie Wickers.
86
00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,800
"Sorry I can't
take your call right now
87
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,080
"but I'm busy cracking one out
to Loose Women.
88
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:30,040
"No, not Vorderman or McLean.
89
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,200
"I am...
90
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,840
"stiffin' for McGiffin.
91
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,840
"Please leave a message
after the tone."
92
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,560
All right then, deal.
93
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,760
OK right, time to hit the pitch.
I want to see what you've got in your lockers.
94
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,440
A flare gun and some porn.
Not yours.
95
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,040
KNOCK AT DOOR
96
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,280
Erm, you wanted to see me?
Ah yes, Ms Gulliver.
97
00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,680
Rosie. Do come in.
98
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,200
So, what's this about?
99
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,000
Ah, you know, just a natter really
just to, you know,
100
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:18,360
how long's it been
since we had a good girly catch up?
101
00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:21,320
Erm...
102
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:22,520
for ever.
103
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,200
Yeah, yeah it does,
it feels that way, doesn't it?
104
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:34,640
Yeah. So erm, how is your current
sexual slash romantic partner?
105
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,200
Erm...
106
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,680
What am I like, eh, with the gossip?
107
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,120
No, now listen, I've been thinking
about this for a while and I think
108
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,160
it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core.
109
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,760
But erm, how attractive
do you think I am?
110
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,920
Look, I think you might have
misread some signals.
111
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,640
No, it's just that you see,
I heard that Middleton House
112
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:04,360
are looking for a new deputy head
and I would really love that transfer.
113
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,960
Oh.
114
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,440
Erm, you look...
115
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,520
Handsome.
116
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,560
Oh, really?!
117
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,360
You're not just saying that.
You know...? This...
118
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,360
it's not too much?
119
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,520
No, it's very...
120
00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,720
subtle.
121
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,040
Right.
122
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:35,000
Gosh you know, we should,
we should do this more often. Yep.
123
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,600
Menstruating much at the moment?
124
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,800
Please can I leave?
125
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,120
So how's the old footie thing going?
Oh, not great actually.
126
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,440
I think you should just
call them up and tell them...
127
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,400
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
128
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,360
The pundit from MOTo'D?
129
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:57,400
We are not going to play them
at football.
130
00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,960
Phh, that's a relief
because we are shit...
131
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,560
We are going to beat them
psychologically.
132
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,480
We may not have the resources
of St Poshington's,
133
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,240
but let's see how they like it
when they come to face to face with our ghetto hell.
134
00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,560
Safe, blood. Matron's ma bitch now.
135
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:19,000
GLASS SMASHES
136
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,440
Welcome to thug life.
137
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,560
Yeah, yeah let's get down
with the trumpets...
138
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,880
So this match must be quite
a big deal for you.
139
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,720
Chance to pay back those bullies.
140
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,280
I was quite popular at Middleton.
141
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:34,000
Oh? They used to call me Scratchie.
It was kind of like my DJ name.
142
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,400
I used to spin the tunes
at the raves.
143
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,800
Raves? At Middleton House?
144
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,880
Well, the Hunt Ball.
145
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,160
Out of my way Wickers, thank you.
146
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:49,120
Any idea why Pickwell's come
dressed as a trannie today?
147
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,560
She's job hunting. She's probably
overdone it with her make-up,
148
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,440
and her suit.
149
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:55,760
And her dick.
150
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,520
Oh look, here they come.
151
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,000
What?! Look at the state of it!
152
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,480
Swanning in like they own the place.
153
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:08,040
Although technically I think their
trust does actually own the land.
154
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,640
What a Wickers!
155
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:17,400
Glad to see that one's er,
stood the test of time.
156
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:30,600
Terribly sorry old chap,
would you mind awfully throwing us that ball back?
157
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,400
Go on, old chap.
158
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,640
You don't think
he was talking to you?
159
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,360
Why would he have been? All right!
160
00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:41,640
OK, lazy.
161
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,560
What a Wickers!
162
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:54,920
Well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers.
163
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:58,520
You spineless little tag-nut. Sir.
164
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:02,200
The vilest dingle-berry it was
ever my misfortune to pluck.
165
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:05,560
Remind me, what was it we used to
call you? "Scratchie" wasn't it? Because...
166
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:07,200
Stress-induced Eczema.
167
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:13,000
He used to sit in class scratching
himself like a junkie.
168
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,960
I can't wait to stick it
to your bunch of benefit scrounging
169
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,480
gutter monkeys.
170
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,320
Now, who's the limp-dick
in command here anyway?
171
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:24,880
I am. Who is? Scratchie is.
Scratchie is what?
172
00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:30,560
Scratchie is the limp dick in charge
of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. Sir.
173
00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:37,880
What's that man's problem?
174
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:43,320
Basically, something happened
between me and him
175
00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:48,160
when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
176
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:52,080
Why not? Because it's embarrassing.
177
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,000
Because I'm a man.
178
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,320
Y'know I'd rather just keep
it a secret.
179
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,880
Oh my God!
180
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:07,280
Oh Alfie, I'm so sorry.
181
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:08,680
That's so brave of you.
182
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:12,640
Well, it's really no biggie.
Y'know, shit happens.
183
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,920
Was there no-one you could
talk to about it?
184
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,280
Well, you know, I guess
if I had really wanted to,
185
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,040
I could have gone
to confession but...
186
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,560
Confession?
Yeah, Middleton House was Catholic.
187
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,080
Yeah, course it was.
188
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,920
Oh, Alfie. Poor thing.
189
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,920
Poor little thing.
190
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:39,480
Remember, whatever we wear,
wherever we go,
191
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,800
yes means yes and no means no.
192
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,720
Cup of rosie lea, my old lover.
Darjeeling. Two sugars.
193
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,160
I'm Head of Maths.
194
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:53,640
Good. Then you won't cock up
the sugars, will you?
195
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:55,200
Everything OK?
196
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:59,840
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
197
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:02,600
You must be Mr Humpage.
198
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,720
Pickwell's the name. Deputy Head
here, but you can call me Isobel.
199
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:11,040
Isobel? What was it before Isambard?
Did you pick it yourself?
200
00:12:11,040 --> 00:12:13,720
No, my parents chose it.
201
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,720
You're parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals, are they?
202
00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:22,200
May I take you on a small
guided tour of...
203
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:26,400
Yes! What don't you show me
round this spittoon of pig shit. There's a good lad.
204
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:33,400
I would be honoured. So um, tell me
exactly what position do you hold at Middleton House.
205
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,360
High tutor of Sports
and Grand Master of Dragon House.
206
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,680
Oh wow, that's very impressive.
207
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,520
Well,
it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
208
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:45,160
Sounds a bit like the Ku Klux Klan.
209
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:48,600
Yes, we also wear the hoods.
Nothing else but...
210
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,720
Dressed, dressed
211
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,200
Ya, listen, dress for the occasion
212
00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:56,520
And surrounded by a table
full of patron
213
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,640
Not enough to go round...
214
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:02,360
Looks like those public school kids
be bare bricking it, d'you get me.
215
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:03,920
Really?
216
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,640
There's a name for people like me
217
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:13,640
There's a name for people
like me
218
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,160
You can stereotype
There's a name for people like me
219
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:21,040
There's a name for people like me
You can stereotype
220
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:26,440
Yeah, people like me, there's
a name for people like me...
221
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:30,480
Unbelievable.
222
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:35,200
Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block. Ta dah!
223
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,400
Ooh, impressive!
224
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:43,360
Reminds me of the set up we used
to have before the damn things went missing last year.
225
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:47,360
No doubt pilfered by some oik
to help fund scratch cards
226
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,960
and popcorn chicken.
227
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:54,520
Oh, never mind.
We soon replaced them - raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
228
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,840
Well, it must be very rewarding
working at somewhere like Middleton House.
229
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:02,080
You know what I like about
you "Isobel"?
230
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:05,080
You're a straight shooter.
231
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:08,880
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just..
232
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,720
No, we could use a chap
like you at our place,
233
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:15,520
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the er, old teachers' curse.
234
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,040
Oh, depression? Gout.
235
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,680
There's only so much fois gras
a gentleman can take.
236
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,920
I'd be happy to put you
forward for the job.
237
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,720
How's that tickle your knackers?
238
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,360
Oh, they are tickled.
239
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:37,000
You must know something.
240
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,880
Talk to me, Kammy.
241
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,120
'At which point Alan McInally
let out a massive fart.
242
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:45,320
'Me and Charlie Nicholas
were in fits.
243
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:49,720
'But Stelling, he never broke
stride. What a professional!'
244
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:51,560
Unbelievable, Jeff.
245
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,760
Look, guys,
it doesn't matter who they are,
246
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,000
or how much better
they are than you.
247
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,200
When you get out there,
248
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,200
it's ten against ten,
249
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,960
and anything can happen.
250
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,440
You mean eleven.
251
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,560
Yeah, eleven.
252
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,760
It's eleven.
253
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,520
You can do it!
254
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,040
"You can do it!"
255
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,160
Owww.
256
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,160
You...
257
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,960
twat!
258
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,040
You pig.
259
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,560
We need to do a goal, guys.
260
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:12,400
Say eat my goal
Eat my goal
261
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:15,000
Looking for a saviour to save ya
From a lack of knowledge
262
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,440
This little fella won't get you
through college
263
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,520
No, no ask me about summer so
Let everybody in the house say...
264
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,320
Cowardly.
265
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,160
Do a header!
266
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,520
To play sport and to forget to call
their mums on the telephone
267
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,440
Use some bass, lower the tone
268
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,040
Lower the tone
Don't ask me cos me not know!
269
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:35,400
Say Ho ho
Say Ho wo Ho wo
270
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,760
Eat my goal...
Do a goal!
271
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,800
MAKES FLAT NOTE
272
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,360
This is rubbish.
273
00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:04,080
GENERAL CHATTER
274
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,080
What? What?
I don't know.
275
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:26,960
It's just that it looked like you
were going to say something...
276
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,520
I don't know, something deep.
277
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,480
To get us motivated
for the second half.
278
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:34,800
There's a second half.
279
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,840
Oh my days.
280
00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:38,760
I knew that.
281
00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,280
Alfie, a word?
282
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,160
Look, this is ridiculous.
283
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920
We're playing like, the school
equivalent of Man United,
284
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:52,760
and one of my team
is in a wheelchair.
285
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,200
He's not even the worst.
286
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,640
He's the only person in the first
half to have won a header.
287
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,120
Look, Alfie.
288
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,080
It's understandable.
289
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,520
Seeing the man again can trigger
suppressed emotions.
290
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,240
Honestly, I'm fine. I'm so over it.
291
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,800
It was so long ago.
I was like fifteen.
292
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,480
Jesus. Look, Alfie,
293
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:17,040
I know you're traumatised
but remember what I said,
294
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,080
it's not your fault.
295
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,480
Well, it kind of was.
296
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,800
No, Alfie. It's not.
You're the victim.
297
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,800
Say it, "it's not my fault".
298
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,440
It's not my fault
Doesn't that feel better?
299
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,920
Not really. Look I've been thinking,
can't I just throw in the towel?
300
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,040
No. This is more than the match now.
301
00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:41,240
If you win this, you're not
winning for you but all the people
302
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,360
who've had their voices
taken away by beasts like Humpage.
303
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,080
Don't let him win.
304
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:51,160
Yeah.
305
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:53,480
Yeah, I guess you're right.
306
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,720
This game does mean a lot.
307
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,440
You can do it! I can.
308
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,040
Come on! I can do it, come on!
309
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,760
OK, people.
310
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:10,920
Do you want to know what Middleton
House are saying about us right now?
311
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,680
Arseholes! >
312
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:19,600
They're also saying that we are
just going to bend over and take it.
313
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,160
So they got my group text?
314
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,880
You know, I heard some of them saying
315
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,040
about one of you in particular,
316
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:30,520
who will remain nameless,
317
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,720
was so ugly,
318
00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:36,960
pathetic and physically deformed,
319
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,080
that they should get
a Pride of Britain award
320
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,880
just for not killing themselves.
321
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,080
Now are we really going to take that?
322
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,320
Or are we, for Joe's sake,
323
00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:54,680
going to say no?
324
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:59,400
Let's show them.
Quitting is out of the question.
325
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,120
When it gets tough,
326
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,440
we gotta fight some more.
327
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,120
We've gotta fight.
328
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:07,400
Fight! Fight! Fight!
329
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,080
Fight for this love! Yeah!
330
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,280
Ready your breakfasts,
and eat hearty,
331
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,680
for tonight we dine in hell.
332
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:20,160
Let's get out there.
333
00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,880
THIS IS SPARTA!
334
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,640
Yeah! Go on!
335
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,000
Rem Dogg's injured.
336
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,600
Puncture.
337
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,640
Can I play second half, Sir?
338
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,680
All right Stephen. You're up!
339
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,440
This is the ball. OK?
340
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,520
Mitchell will pass you the ball
341
00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:49,840
and then you kick it straight
to Grayson.
342
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:51,720
Understand?
343
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,520
Goal!
344
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:46,720
Sprinkler.
345
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,600
Do the Sprinkler!
346
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,920
Come on, you tripstoppers!
347
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,360
Come on, Middleton.
348
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,760
Get in!
349
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,080
What's the matter with you?
You hoo!
350
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,200
What's the matter with you...?
351
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,000
The bloke in the wheelchair's
faster than you lot!
352
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,400
Get yer tits out,
get yer tits out...!
353
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,760
Not now.
354
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,600
More goals.. Yes! Inflation!
355
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:55,360
OK, you want to play?
You want to party?
356
00:22:55,360 --> 00:23:00,280
Right, let's heat this party up,
huh.
357
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,360
Oh ho yeah, Humpage.
358
00:23:03,360 --> 00:23:07,600
I like to party, and I've been to
far hotter parties than this.
359
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:12,600
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
360
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:17,480
Yeah. And I've partied with far
bigger men than you.
361
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,880
I can go all night long.
362
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,120
OK. Come on Middleton.
363
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,400
WHISTLE BLOWS
364
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,280
Come on, Abbey Grove.
365
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,280
Careful, Alfie.
366
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,920
Do him, Sir.
367
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,360
You stupid little quitting
quitting quitter.
368
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:52,000
QU-IT-TER spells quitter!
369
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,120
Quit, quit, quit...
370
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:58,280
Wickers quitter. Quitter Wickers.
371
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:03,960
Wicker, Wicker, Wicker, Wicker.
Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. All you do it quit.
372
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,200
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter! You quitter!
373
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,760
AMBULANCE SIREN
374
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,600
Wickers, what have you done?
375
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:27,200
If you have harmed a hair
on his beautiful body.
376
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:31,040
Wickers. Wickers,
I know I've been harsh, boy,
377
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,200
but I only ever wanted
the best for you.
378
00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,480
You've finally got what you
deserved, you pig!
379
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,400
Steady on.
380
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,960
You should be ashamed of yourself
for what you put him through!
381
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,400
What I put him through?
It was his fault.
382
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:48,600
How dare you say that.
Of course it's not his fault. He's the victim.
383
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,520
Why do you keep calling me
the victim?
384
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,840
Because you are, Alfie.
Don't you see? Oh God.
385
00:24:53,840 --> 00:25:00,120
Enough is enough.
You've got to accept it. You are the victim of a rapist.
386
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:04,560
What? Yes. That's right,
you heard me. You are a rapist.
387
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,080
You raped poor Alfie.
388
00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,400
What are you talking about?!
No, I didn't.
389
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:13,000
Erm, Mr Humpage definitely
didn't rape me.
390
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:20,840
Where did you get that idea?
Alfie, you said something went on in the second year.
391
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,160
Yeah. I quit his sports team.
392
00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,880
And you were the most promising
student I ever coached.
393
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,640
You could have gone pro.
394
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:33,160
When you threw it away
it tore me up inside.
395
00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:36,120
Hang on. You said you didn't want
to talk about it
396
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:41,120
cos for a man it's embarrassing
but there's nothing embarrassing about quitting the football team.
397
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:45,800
Erm, wait, er, what sport
are we talking about here?
398
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:47,520
Weight lifting. Irish dancing.
399
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:48,960
THEY ALL SNIGGER
400
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,560
You should have seen his soft
shoe hornpipe.
401
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,000
We had such plans.
402
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,720
First, we'd take Broadway,
then the world.
403
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:03,120
I mean, who else had ever thought
of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
404
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:08,400
The day you turned your back
on dance was the day you shattered my dreams!
405
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,200
Ooh...
406
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:16,800
Oh gosh.
407
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,000
I'm sorry.
408
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000
Right, get the ambulance.
409
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,600
My future job prospects
could be dying here.
410
00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:26,400
Do it for me, Alfie. One more time.
411
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,000
Before I go.
412
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,760
I couldn't, I can't.
413
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,320
I haven't warmed up.
414
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,160
I might pull something.
415
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,080
Go on, Alfie.
416
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:39,800
I can't wait to see this.
417
00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,120
Sir, do it. Sir, do it.
418
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,960
Just one last time.
419
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,400
So, that's it really.
420
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:28,040
Don't know why I gave it up.
421
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,000
Gay!
422
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,000
Oh yeah. That's why.
423
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,120
Not bad, but it lacked a little
panache. Let's go again.
424
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:40,360
And that's the other.
Match abandoned. It's a draw.
425
00:27:40,410 --> 00:27:44,960
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