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1
00:00:00,523 --> 00:00:04,480
Listen, guys, concentrate.
It's important you remember this.
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,720
Get ready. She's coming.
3
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:08,720
In three, two...
4
00:00:09,631 --> 00:00:13,560
ALL: Oh, Captain, my Captain.
5
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,960
Guys. Come on.
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:19,120
- They do this every time I try and go to the loo.
- Staff room.
7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:21,720
- It's a date.
- It's a staff meeting.
8
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,280
BELL RINGS
9
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,960
Oi, sir, man! You said you
were going to help me down!
10
00:00:32,104 --> 00:00:36,007
Sync by Alex1969
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:05,840
I want your clothes, your books
and your attention, please.
12
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,800
Mollinson, Mollinson.
It's just a line from a film.
13
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:14,360
Now, it turns out I was wrong about
the ban on religious symbols in schools.
14
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,640
That law applies to France only.
My bad!
15
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:21,840
So, if any of the pupils want
to reclaim their possessions,
16
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,920
I've got 13 crucifixes,
17
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,600
three skullcaps,
and Samira Habsi's burqa.
18
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,480
Mr Habsi exploded.
19
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,880
Not like that.
20
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:34,960
Although, to apologise
for my misreading of his faith,
21
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,040
I've sent him a bottle of wine
and a hock of ham.
22
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,840
Fraser, can I raise something?
I read this in Metro this morning.
23
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:47,120
Oh, my God! You read Metro?
I read Metro, too. That is so weird.
24
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,240
It says there's this video game
that kids are getting obsessed with.
25
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:55,360
Tokyo Sin SS - Dead Light District.
26
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,440
According to this,
27
00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:01,680
the child plays a ninja who hunts
down and murders Nazi prostitutes.
28
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,680
Is it free world or platform?
29
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:05,040
Kids are copying the moves,
30
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:07,400
beating each other up
in the playground, doing karate.
31
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:09,440
- Bukkake?
- Karate.
32
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,960
You're so deaf.
33
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,320
Ban the game, kill the virus.
34
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,440
I agree with Isabelle.
35
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,040
Whilst we're at it, why
don't we ban those wheelie shoes?
36
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,840
I smacked a boy on the head,
he shot off down the corridor,
37
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,680
went straight through
a plate glass window.
38
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,720
I no longer agree with Isabelle.
39
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,440
Other schools are tough
on violence. Look at St Stephen's!
40
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,080
- They had a weapons amnesty.
- Re-to-the-wind.
41
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:34,624
Someone call Shaggy and tell him
it was me on the bathroom floor.
42
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:42,200
we need to bring up a vein,
take a hit ourselves and see
43
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,120
if we can't help them
kick the habit.
44
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,280
What? You're not seriously
considering buying the game?
45
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,120
I think our budget
can stretch to that.
46
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,280
Ooh, can it stretch to FIFA?
47
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,760
This is work, Alfie. When you're at
home you can play whatever you want.
48
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,440
My husband and I play with Wee.
49
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,600
Oh, you're on Nintendo?
50
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,600
What's Nintendo?
51
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:00,720
Meeting adjourned.
52
00:03:03,482 --> 00:03:06,120
Hey. So, about that amnesty thing.
53
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,840
I was thinking that we should do
one of them here, me and you.
54
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,778
What, at Abbey Grove? Do you think
it's that bad, really?
55
00:03:10,817 --> 00:03:11,536
Yeah.
56
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,760
I keep you shielded from it
but it's a jungle out there.
57
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:20,200
- OK, our kids have weapons?
- Yeah. Mitchell, Joe, Rem Dogg...
58
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,360
The boy in the wheelchair?
59
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,480
He's the worst. He's got, like,
60
00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:27,000
spikes that he puts
on his hub caps like in Ben-Hur.
61
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:29,960
Well, I do think an amnesty
could be a good idea.
62
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,280
Ooh, I know.
63
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,480
- I could get our amnesty some press.
- Press?
64
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:38,200
- I've got a contact at the Observer.
- Ooh, the Observer?
65
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,640
The Watford Observer.
66
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:44,000
I used to hook up
with a page three girl there.
67
00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,520
The Watford Observer
doesn't have a page three.
68
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:50,160
Well, her article about me
was on page three.
69
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,040
- Why were you in the press?
- Broke my leg
70
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,760
playing human chess.
71
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:58,720
- Sorry, you broke your leg...
- So, the amnesty, we're going to need a venue.
72
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,160
- Now I was thinking...
- Canteen?
73
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:03,240
Nando's. A little wing roulette.
74
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,240
Two sides, macho peas, the rice.
75
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,840
Maybe a movie afterwards
to celebrate?
76
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,520
I'll see if the canteen's free.
77
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,560
Suit yourself.
78
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,920
Hey, the press are going
to love this, aren't they?
79
00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,280
Little celebrity power couple,
changing the world for the better.
80
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,680
Brangelina, Bennifer...
81
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,840
- Rudy.
- Who's Rudy?
82
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,000
Richard and Judy.
83
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,680
I'll see you at lunch, Alfie.
Please don't book Nando's.
84
00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,000
I won't. I couldn't.
85
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,240
I've tried.
86
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,920
They don't take bookings.
87
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,520
Their chicken's first come,
first served, baby.
88
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,320
Not my class.
89
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:52,280
OK, guys, there's something very
important that I need you to do.
90
00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,760
- Ooh, thanks.
- No problem. It's on the house.
91
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:58,120
Because that's what friends do,
isn't it?
92
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,960
They buy things for each other.
93
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,920
You all look knackered.
94
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,280
Have you had another party
that I wasn't invited to?
95
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,200
- They've all been playing Tokyo Sin.
- Yes, bruv, Tokyo Sin is dench!
96
00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:16,360
Hang on, hands up
if you've got this game.
97
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,480
Typical, Joe, the only one of my crew
with a little bit of sense.
98
00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,360
It's just that it's an 18
and my mum won't buy it for me.
99
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:30,680
If only I had an adult friend
who owed me big time.
100
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,560
Sir, Tokyo Sin is just a craze.
101
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,520
You don't get crazes,
though, do you, sir?
102
00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,880
You're older than that condom
you got in your wallet.
103
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,520
Sir didn't get crazes, cos
he went to a posh boys school.
104
00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:43,520
Too busy playing quidditch
with David Cameron.
105
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,480
Right, I didn't go to Hogwarts.
106
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:48,751
And look, for the record,
we had crazes too.
107
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,969
Yeah. Pogs.
108
00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:55,160
Mmm, now there was a craze.
Who remembers Pogs?
109
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:00,360
Pogs!
110
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,400
Oh, you missed out!
Pogs were amazing.
111
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520
You had these little cardboard
discs, right,
112
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,960
and you piled them up into a tower,
113
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,880
and then with another
cardboard disc you'd chuck it
114
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:14,240
at the pile of cardboard discs,
and it...
115
00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,000
I'm going to accept
that Pogs has not aged well.
116
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,200
Stephen, no offence, but this game,
is it your kind of thing?
117
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,160
Nazis in fishnets?
It's just like Cabaret.
118
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,200
Chantelle, you're a girl...
119
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,640
Who meets guys on the online
multiplayer. Look me up.
120
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,720
My name's Jailbait. All one word.
121
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:40,840
And I've got webcam.
122
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,320
Blocked.
123
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,560
- See? I'm the only one.
- You is missing out, fam.
124
00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,480
Anyone done blitz kick yet,
the finisher move?
125
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,400
You kick 'em in the head - whah -
head explodes - boom -
126
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,280
brains everywhere!
127
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,040
Course I have, I got bare tekkers.
128
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:56,920
Yeah, but you play it on PC,
don't ya? That shit is old.
129
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,880
Where'd you find it?
Your nan's vadge?
130
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,400
Least my sister ain't lesbian.
131
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:02,480
- She ain't lesbian. She goes to university.
- And?
132
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:06,320
- Everybody knows university's for lesbos!
- Do one, Gran Turismo!
133
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,320
Oh, you two, stop flirting.
When I was your age I had an N64.
134
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,440
And that had far better games on it
than Tokyo Sin.
135
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,320
Zelda...
136
00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,080
What you do in that? Dress up like
a bender and play the flute?
137
00:07:19,080 --> 00:07:20,680
It was an ocarina.
138
00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,480
Oh, wow, an ocarina.
Bet that helped you get the ladies.
139
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,920
Yeah, it did actually, Mitchell.
140
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,560
Maybe I should
lend it to your sister.
141
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,400
Told!
142
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,440
Look, the point is, you're all very
young and impressionable
143
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:39,160
and a game like this is dangerous
because it is encouraging you to be violent.
144
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:45,520
That said, I am going to need you
to get hold of some weapons -
145
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:49,680
bats, flick knives, chains.
146
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:54,240
Think outside the box.
Bring anything you find into lunch.
147
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:56,080
Ow.
148
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,160
Yes, Mr. Habsi, I understand.
149
00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:05,960
Shalom.
150
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,200
No, that's the other ones, isn't it?
151
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,360
Mazel tov? Hello?
152
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,480
Alfie!
153
00:08:13,480 --> 00:08:17,360
Alfred the Great, son of Aethelwulf,
and Osburga of Oslac, Thane of Wessex.
154
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,200
I see you've
been on Wikipedia again.
155
00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:23,800
Look, I thought everyone was
over-reacting, but they're right.
156
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,720
All of my class are playing
that game.
157
00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,360
That's why I've been
raping my brain.
158
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:28,545
It's "racking my brain."
159
00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:30,652
- Is the Pope Hindu?
- No.
160
00:08:31,076 --> 00:08:36,680
How do you stop a craze?
Invent a craze to replace it.
161
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,320
- Do you?
- Right. Take a seat, dragon.
162
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,400
Dragon?
163
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,160
Next into the den is Fraser,
164
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:48,480
who wants investment
for his ingenious crazes for kids.
165
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,080
First up, tattoos.
166
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,360
Tattoos?
167
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,840
They're a victimless crime
and potentially educational!
168
00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,000
The kids could get a map
of the world, the periodic table,
169
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,200
or Picasso's Guernica.
170
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,960
Yeah. I suspect some of
the parents might object.
171
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,760
- Say it, then.
- Say what?
172
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,800
- You've seen Dragons' Den.
- Fraser, we're not on Dragons' Den.
173
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,920
I'm not moving till you say it.
174
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,600
If I say it,
will this all be over quicker?
175
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,840
I'm out.
176
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:27,560
- Craze two! Kids like animals, right?
- Yeah, I guess.
177
00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,200
Franimals.
178
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,680
Animals made from fruit.
179
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:39,920
Behold, Orange-a-tang
and his jungle wife, Apple-o-tamus.
180
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,640
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ha-ha-ha!
181
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,080
Are...
182
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:50,080
FRASER SNORTS
183
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,280
Right, I'm out. And I'm also leaving.
184
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,600
Zebranana?
185
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,000
FRASER WHINNIES
186
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,600
You need help.
187
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,560
Die, Nazi bitch!
188
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,040
- Blitz kick!
- Bullshit.
189
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,040
Oh, this is embarrassing.
190
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,040
It's turned Mollinson into even
more of dribbling idiot.
191
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:20,600
Eat my fist, you ho!
192
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000
ALARM BLARES
193
00:10:33,560 --> 00:10:36,040
Erm, where's Rosie? Who are you?
194
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:37,840
I'm Ron. I'm assisting Rosie today.
195
00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:42,320
Well, Ron. I think you'll find Rosie
asked me to assist her.
196
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,760
So you can assist off.
197
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:46,480
Look, mate. I have to be here.
198
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,360
A licensed weapons expert
must be present.
199
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:53,840
Well, mate, that is exactly why Rosie
asked me to be present,
200
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,560
because I actually own a gun.
201
00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,120
Yeah, don't get much more expert
than that, do you?
202
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,640
- You own a gun?
- Yes, I own a gun, Ron.
203
00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:06,560
It's a Glock.
204
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,760
I bought it off some
Albanians in the pub.
205
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:13,200
They're always selling me
black market shit - guns, drugs,
206
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,400
a snuff film.
207
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:20,560
Yeah, so, what heat you packing,
Mr Weapons Expert?
208
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,960
- Standard issue pepper spray.
- Standard issue pepper spray!
209
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,520
What are you, an old woman?
210
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:28,160
I'm a police officer.
211
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,400
Right.
212
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,280
Good.
213
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,000
I'm sorry. I was lying.
214
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,200
I don't own a gun.
215
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,200
And the Albanians, they sold me,
like, one DVD once.
216
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,600
And I didn't even watch it
all the way through,
217
00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,680
cos the quality was so poor.
218
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,760
Do you know what happens
at the end of The Notebook?
219
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:57,160
So, you've met the sergeant.
220
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,600
Yeah, Ron. My buddy.
I love the police.
221
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,480
Shoot first,
ask questions later, right?
222
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,720
Have you got any weapons?
223
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,800
Not unless you've got a very small
gun in your pocket?
224
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:16,120
It's not a gun, it's my cock, Ron.
225
00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:42,080
Chantelle, what are you doing?
Fingernails aren't weapons.
226
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,440
Try telling that to Linda Beale.
227
00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,600
No-one wears Tulisa's scent
on my turf.
228
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,480
Milk? I'm lactose intolerant.
229
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,480
This one thought it was a funny idea
to spike my soya latte.
230
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,120
- Mitchell made me do it.
- That's chemical warfare!
231
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,840
Yes, but it's not a weapon.
232
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,880
A trace of dairy and I go from
Will Smith to Seal,
233
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,000
quicker than you can say,
"Kiss from a rose."
234
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,920
ALARM BLARES
235
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,840
- What are you wearing?
- Ninja mask, innit?
236
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,320
Make them out of old T-shirts.
237
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,240
Take it off.
What have you got to hand in?
238
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,920
Oh, here we go.
239
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:17,280
- This is your science homework.
- Knowledge is power, sir.
240
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,320
If I become a brilliant scientist,
241
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,320
I could destroy the whole
world, in the flick of a switch.
242
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,560
The only thing you could contribute
to science is your body.
243
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:28,160
Now, go away.
244
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,826
Macaroni cheese? Get that plate
away from me.
245
00:13:40,865 --> 00:13:41,764
Why, Glee?
246
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,160
I have an allergy.
That plate could kill me.
247
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,320
That was a mistake.
248
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,960
Mac attack!
249
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,360
My face!
250
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:04,640
Love remained a drug
251
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:08,760
That's the high and not the pill
252
00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:10,960
But did you know that when it snows
253
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,360
My eyes become large
254
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:16,640
And the light that
you shine can be seen...
255
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:19,440
Consider yourself blitzed!
256
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,920
Baby
257
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:26,760
I compare you to
a kiss from a rose on the grey
258
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,640
Now that your rose is in bloom
259
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,160
A light hits the gloom on the
grey...
Erm, excuse me. Excuse me.
260
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,640
How dare you use
physical violence like this?
261
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:38,880
It's cowardly. Cowardly.
262
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,840
These ninja masks
are totally against school rules.
263
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:52,160
So, off with their heads.
264
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,200
What are we going
to do about the newspaper?
265
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,600
Oh, I was thinking we could appease
them, give them a replacement story.
266
00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:00,160
"Injured Human Chess Boy
in Miracle Recovery."
267
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:03,080
I was thinking we ask them back
and explain we're taking steps
268
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:04,560
to teach conflict resolution.
269
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,480
- Yeah. That might be a better idea.
- How do we yabba-dabba-do that?
270
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,480
I spoke to Ron.
He's trained in self-defence.
271
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:12,080
Not that police doofus.
272
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,360
We could do
a demonstration for the kids.
273
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,600
He's such an interesting guy.
He was showing me some of his holds.
274
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,640
He's so strong,
yet so soft at the same time.
275
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,840
- Sounds like a toilet roll.
- Preet!
276
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,960
There's a guy at my gym
who teaches self-defence.
277
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,840
He'd be perfect.
The kids would love him.
278
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,480
Fraser, were not having
some random guy from your gym.
279
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,640
Alfie's right.
Ron's more qualified.
280
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,240
But I mean, if you say
this Preet guy's a professional...
281
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,480
I mean, he would probably be
better than Sergeant Andrex.
282
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,680
OK. Miss G, You get on to the paper,
I'll give my guy a tinkle.
283
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,160
How does that sound, yeah?
284
00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:52,720
Samira, I am so sorry.
285
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,640
Oh, my God.
Please don't tell your father.
286
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:03,400
'Violence is everywhere.
So how do you protect yourself?
287
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,160
'This is Loretta, your
typical all-American woman.
288
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,600
'She's standing outside a jazz club
289
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:13,560
'but she's about to have a run-in
with some jazz lovers.'
290
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,760
'If your attacker tries
to blind you, raise your hand
291
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:21,200
'up to the bridge of your nose
to disable the gouge.
292
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,000
'Well done, Loretta.
293
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,280
'But next time, play it safe
and stick to Country and Western.
294
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:29,040
'And where's Loretta now?
295
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,800
'She's watching some brothers
shooting hoops in the Projects.
296
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,880
'If an attacker comes from behind,
297
00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,320
'scrape down on their shin
with the heel of your stiletto.
298
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,680
'Not this time, Germaine. Try
slam dunking the funk after that.
299
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,720
'And remember, on November 8th...'
300
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,280
So, I would ignore all of that.
301
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,080
What you have to remember is,
that video was made in a time
302
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,720
when people were...
303
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,080
racist.
304
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:11,240
- Then why did you show it to us?
- Because, Jing,
305
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,760
teachers live by an
ancient code as old as time.
306
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,160
Which is?
307
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,360
If you're out of your depth,
put on a video.
308
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,000
Look, what Stephen did
in the canteen wasn't cool.
309
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,160
Well, it was. Grayson's a prick.
310
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,960
Agreed. But you
can't lash out like that.
311
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,960
What if someone's giving you beef?
312
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,960
Turning the other cheek
will always be the best policy.
313
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:35,040
Like Neville Chamberlain
did with Hitler?
314
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,600
Why do you only ever
remember history to prove me wrong?
315
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,880
Yes, Jing. And Tiananmen Square.
316
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,200
Look, what is the deadliest
animal on the planet?
317
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:50,240
A tiger.
318
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:55,240
No, the human being. We're all
biologically conditioned to fight.
319
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,720
The deadliest weapon on the planet
is the human brain.
320
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,880
OK, so that Stewart Hawkins bloke.
321
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,120
He's the brainiest guy
in the world, right?
322
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,760
Stephen Hawking. Yeah, but...
323
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,680
If he's so deadly, who'd win
a fight between him and a tiger?
324
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,120
Well, the tiger, obviously.
325
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,040
- So he's not the deadliest.
- That's not the point.
326
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,880
What about him versus a shark?
327
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:17,800
- The shark.
- What, even on dry land?
328
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,000
No, I guess on dry land
the shark would probably dry out.
329
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,040
I can't believe
I'm even playing this game.
330
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,240
Look, there are plenty of animals
that could kill Stephen Hawking.
331
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,520
- Like a badger?
- Yes, a badger probably would.
332
00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:30,080
- How, though?
- I don't know.
333
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:32,560
Bite him, give him TB.
334
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,360
Mr Wickers,
I'm just returning Stephen.
335
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:38,120
- Did you apologise to Grayson?
- I told him to swivel.
336
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:41,480
See, proof that everything
can be resolved with words.
337
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:44,240
What about Israel and Palestine?
338
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,880
Oh, stop learning.
339
00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:49,720
Mr Wickers, can I
bum a dime of your time?
340
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:50,880
Jing, er...
341
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,520
Take over.
342
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,400
- Stay down.
- What the hell?
343
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,120
Cease and desist. Cease and desist.
344
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:05,760
All right, I desist.
Please, just let me go.
345
00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:08,320
- Classic!
- What the hell is going on?
346
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:11,240
Absolutely classic. Alfie,
this is Preet from my gym.
347
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,960
Hi bro, pleasure.
Preet Van Der Plessiss.
348
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,760
What is this?
349
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,760
This is your very own
personal safety guru.
350
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:22,000
I like this moffie, Frase. Spunky.
351
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,280
- You putt from the rough, yah?
- What?
352
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,440
Do you take it in the karoo?
353
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,760
You're a biltong-er?
354
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:29,880
A kak-goofer?
355
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,480
No, I'm messing, bro.
356
00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:35,600
No, no, I'm here to show your kids
how to bring the fire to a brawl.
357
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,760
He means prevent a fight.
358
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,000
Or maybe paralyse a woman.
359
00:19:42,451 --> 00:19:45,080
I told you, Alf.
Preet changed my life.
360
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,480
Yah, Teach here may look like
a scrawny sack of shit and bones
361
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:52,200
- but I've turned him into a cobra.
- Ssssss.
362
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:54,816
Yeah, well, having thought
about it, I think my kids'll be fine.
363
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:56,418
Are they though, bro?
364
00:19:56,465 --> 00:20:00,240
If I cammoed up and broke into
your class with a hunting knife,
365
00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:03,120
would you take me down before
I butchered a kiddie or two?
366
00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,200
I'm messing, bro. No, no, no.
367
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,040
Fraser, is this man even
allowed near children?
368
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,000
I mean, has he got a CRB check?
369
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,200
Alf, I've paid for
Preet's time and he's serious bunce.
370
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,200
Would you at least consider it?
371
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,320
Is this one of these
things where you ask me
372
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,755
for permission for something that's
definitely happening anyway?
373
00:20:26,779 --> 00:20:27,677
Yes.
374
00:20:27,724 --> 00:20:30,676
Great, well I'll unload
the van. You got crash mats?
375
00:20:30,723 --> 00:20:31,653
Crash mats?
376
00:20:31,699 --> 00:20:34,640
Yah, I need to show them
how to deal with anything.
377
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,600
You're a filthy, dick-licking
piece of bokke shit.
378
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:40,880
But I like you.
379
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,640
I really, really like you.
380
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,080
He always does that.
381
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,560
STUDENTS CHATTER
382
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,520
OK, listen up, you
rag-tag pack of cocksuckers.
383
00:21:07,144 --> 00:21:08,621
Right, OK. Can we just
384
00:21:08,652 --> 00:21:10,680
reign in the homophobia a little
in front of the children?
385
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,320
Yeah, keep your plug in,
dick tickler!
386
00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,320
So, personal safety. Who wants to
know how to throw a one-inch punch?
387
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,080
- Yes, bruv.
- Obviously, we won't be doing that
388
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:23,240
as this class is about
avoiding violent situations.
389
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,600
Now, all you need to win
in a fight is...that.
390
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,320
- Head butts.
- Thinking!
391
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:36,080
Preet is going to help you identify
the danger signs, aren't you, Preet?
392
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,920
- How to spot trouble.
- Yah, racial profiling.
393
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,680
It used to just be Blacks,
now Asians are tricky too.
394
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:46,280
That's inappropriate. Um, shall we...
395
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,960
OK. Volunteers. Who wants to dance?
396
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,920
ALL: Me! Me! Me! Me!
397
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,840
I will do it. Aw, sir...
398
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,440
OK, butt stuffer.
399
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,200
Here's your kit.
400
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:03,840
I'm not getting changed.
401
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,320
Fine.
402
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,480
Wheels, you're up.
403
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:10,800
OK, I'm going. I'm going.
404
00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:38,680
SCREAMING FROM GAME
405
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,360
MORE SCREAMING
406
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,400
Yah, that's better, puss.
STUDENTS LAUGH
407
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,480
Now you're ready to play with Daddy.
408
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,800
Right. Um... Now, it is
very important to remember
409
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:04,040
that we are not condoning violence.
410
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,280
What we are going to show you now
is absolutely the last resort.
411
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,280
The choke hold.
412
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,560
And for some real fun,
jab the windpipe.
413
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,280
Right, Podge, you're in
the shower room.
414
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,360
This fudge-tunneller creeps in.
Think quick, what you gonna do?
415
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,720
Er, turn the other cheek?
416
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,760
In the shower?
No, bro, he wants that.
417
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,320
- You want to get him in his yam yams.
- Not my yam yams...
418
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,440
Please let go.
419
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,360
Get up, you prawn.
420
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,160
No. I will!
421
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:40,000
Mitchell, remember what I said.
422
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:44,080
The mind is the strongest weapon
that there is.
423
00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,640
Wrong. Teach here has clearly
never felt a riot baton.
424
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,840
- Why did you do that?
- TIA, bro. This is Africa.
425
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:55,840
It's not, it's Hertfordshire.
426
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,240
Next step. Stukkie,
can I borrow your high heels?
427
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,640
No. Sir said to seek
a peaceful solution.
428
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,680
And anyway,
these are New Look.
429
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,520
Fine, we'll skip the full frontal
and move straight to the Taser.
430
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,040
THEY GASP
What?
431
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,880
What?! Taser? No way!
432
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,640
No, no. Hey, pass me
the Taser, bro, come on.
433
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,800
I'm gonna neutralise
this cock-knocker.
434
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,280
He'll not be getting
his tongue on my sugar.
435
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,941
Stephen, no! Please,
someone, help!
436
00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:20,856
But sir, you've been
telling us not to!
437
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:23,280
I was wrong.
A hundred percent, definitely wrong.
438
00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,840
- Cease and desist!
- Joe!
439
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,600
Shit.
440
00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:53,600
What?
441
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,440
He was a prick!
442
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:03,920
'Can we get a picture please, mate?
This way. It's for The Observer.'
443
00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,080
So, looks like our weapons
amnesty worked out after all.
444
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,720
Yeah.
What happened though?
445
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:13,840
Well, you know I'm a pacifist
so when he started attacking me,
446
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,000
I set an example to all
of the kids by non-violently
447
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,800
soaking up all
of his negative energy.
448
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:23,760
Oh, wow. That's so great.
That takes real strength...
449
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,800
- Then I tasered him.
- Oh. Thank God Ron was here.
450
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:31,000
'Sorry guys, can we get
one of you two together, please?
451
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,080
'Over here, come on, chaps!'
452
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:36,200
- Oh! Picture.
- 'Thank you very much. Lovely.'
453
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,600
CAMERA WHIRRS
454
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:59,520
SCREAMING ON GAME
455
00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,280
SHE HISSES
456
00:26:28,911 --> 00:26:31,271
Alfie? Look, I'm sorry.
457
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:35,920
- No. I've thought about what you said.
- So have I.
458
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:39,880
And I've broken
every rule in the book,
459
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,240
but I didn't want you being left out.
460
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,000
- Alfie...
- Don't worry about it.
461
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,600
Well, no, it's not that.
462
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,080
It's just that
Tokyo Sin isn't cool any more.
463
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:54,840
Ain't you heard, Grandad?
It's all about Murder Blade.
464
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,520
Murder Blade? That sounds even worse.
465
00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,040
Basically, you've got these little
cardboard squares, then you pile 'em up,
466
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,520
then you throw more little cardboard
squares at the little cardboard squares.
467
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,000
But...
468
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:07,640
That's just Pogs!
469
00:27:09,988 --> 00:27:13,068
Sync by Alex1969
www.addic7ed.com
470
00:27:13,118 --> 00:27:17,668
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