Original subtitles

Come on or we'll get caught. Actually, if I get caught,

does it mean I don't have to go on a French Exchange?

Just shut up and keep guard, all right? You can't hurry art.

This is my Sistine Chapel.

Why are you doing this? Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',

the slander all over the walls.

That has got Pickwell's name written all over it.

It's got YOUR name written all over it.

She is the only person in this school

that hates me enough to write those mean things.

What? About your weird feet?

They're not weird, they're just...flat

and slightly webbed.

Is that why you have to wear the special shoes? You lot are just jealous

because I'm evolving quicker.

When the ice caps melt, I will be swimming to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.

What's Waterworld?

"What's Waterworld"?! You haven't seen Waterworld?

Ah, Jesus!

Give me that, you little turd.

Right. Off you go. LEAVE!

She's coming! Shit! Hide! There's no way out.

The ventilation shaft.How?

Haven't you seen Die Hard? It's an 18!

What?!

First Waterworld, now this?

What do they teach you people?

WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang.

Everything all right in there?

Do a noise. Like what?

A girl having a crap.

HE STRAINS

Pathetic.

Yippee ki yay, mu... Oh, you wouldn't get it.

It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.

Well, that's actually a compliment

because they won two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?

Taking a photo of you two butt nuggets leaving the ladies.

I'm twitpicin' that shit.

Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers. Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.

That's my graffiti, innit.

Jumper?

Yeah. You're wearing a jumper, and jumpers are bent, mate.

This is not bent, this is Dries Van Noten.

Marvin from JLS rocked one of these bad boys on The One Show.

Look, just delete the photo.

Shut up, Chicken Dippa!

Please. And what if I don't?

Then I will...

tell on you to a more senior member of staff.

THEY LAUGH

You is brass, bruv.

Oh, thank you.

Tell you what - I'll delete the photo if you do me a favour.

OK, but I'm not getting involved in any of your gang nonsense.

I've seen Kidulthood. I'm not killing anyone with a bat.

Change? But it was my money.

And the rest.

Prick.

That went well.

Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible, le bon vivant, le petit filou..

Fraser, Ca...

Brie?

Erm look, about the French Exchange, er, please don't send Joe.

He really doesn't want to go. He hates France!

I was thinking, maybe you could send a Francophile?

Why would we send the PE teacher?

No, someone who loves France.

Skin?

Hanging!

Why are there all these parents here?

What's with all the questions? Am I on Mastermind?

If I am, chosen specialist subject, classical banter.

6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.

What's going on?

I've started so I'll finish.

The MILF brigade are in a bit of a tizz

about the impending arrivee of the French Exchange.

After last year's little debacle,

this year the parents don't want their kids getting pregnant.

Frigid! So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,

you have done the assembly on PSHE, haven't you?

Yeah!

Well, I mean, I haven't.

I let Stephen do it because he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.

He's doing a presentation on gender equality.

Rennie?

I've double-dropped.

I can do it like a brother do it like a dude

Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you

Do it like a brother do it like a dude

Grab my crotch wear my hat low like you

We can do it like the man'dem man'dem

We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar

We can do it like the man'dem man'dem

We can do it like the man'dem sugar, sugar, sugar.

Not a fan of R'n'B.

Right, those aren't normally allowed.

It's shocking. I'll have her out of those in no time.

OK, that didn't come out right.

< I'm worried for all our daughters...

What? Fraser's so out of his depth.

We were talking about teen sexuality,

and I was telling him about my experiences at a young age with other girls.

He just made this grunt noise, tensed up

and he ran to the toilet.

It's sad really.

Yeah, cos I'm, like, so cool with that.

You know, you...

other girls, making out...

Cos what I mean is like we've all done that.

We've all been there, like, I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.

I was having a sleepover, and I was top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye

and, I was at half mast,

maybe even two thirds.

No, but you see Alfie,

my point is that I think Fraser might have a more personal problem.

Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.

Added me on Facebook the other day.

Let's just say, I would not get a semi anymore.

Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.

This is going straight onto Mumsnet. Sod Mumsnet.

OK, last year Jean Claude caused a bit of a stir.

Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!

You've let this place become a den of inequity. Look at this!

Don't you think girls have enough pressure without this kind of thing? Oh, we don't discriminate.

We let the Dove adverty ones enter. Fat Alice did it last year.

That's outrageous. Exactly. That's why I voted her off in the first round.

"Fat Alice" is my daughter!

Hasn't she got nice eyes?

Yeah, lovely girl.

Bubbly Alice.

And it's gonna be worse when the exchange students arrive.

I don't want some predator in a beret groping my daughter.

Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation

I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be very low down on their list.

No, that's appears to have made it worse. Look.

You're all squabbling over what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child.

We have to work together to help our kids

embrace the changes that are going on inside their bodies.

COUGHS: Bullshit! Finally some sense!

I think it's really important that we make a stand...

Yo, my turn. Um.

Just wanted to throw this one out there.

If any of the staff or indeed mums that are under the age of 40,

unless they're proper fit...

want to come and draw on my wealth

of sexual knowledge, you know where my door is.

How can I trust this moron with teaching my children

something as important as sex education?

I can assure you we are more than qualified to deal with this.

Perhaps some of the parents might like to sit in on a class? Mr Wickers!

You'd be happy with that, wouldn't you?

Erm...

Alfie?

Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.

Share the knowledge. Feel the force.

I'm like a sex Yoda.

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times done it, I have.

Oh, top notch Jedi banter.

Well, that's settled then.

What say you meet us all back here at 2.30?

And I can promise, by the time that mini-bus arrives from France,

all your little Casanovas will know their pinks from their browns.

OK?

You need to be aware of all the major sexual organs.

Yeah.

Labia...

vulva...

vagina.

So, we're all good talking about the...

Anus.

I thought we could watch a home video my husband and I made on our honeymoon.

It's on the internet somewhere.

Acts 15-20.

"And Moses did write to them, telling them to abstain

"from sexual immorality and from the meat of strangled animals."

That's funny, Miss.

I've heard you like to strangle the meat of your animal. Shut up, Grayson.

'And in we go. Back and forth, back and forth! Olive, do you want a scotch egg?

'Who's a good boy?'

Sex was invented...

by the Romans.

Pornography will give you a totally distorted impression of the female body.

Those aren't real women. This is.

It's... Fanny!

I give up. I don't know how to do it.

Sir, why don't you just draw a frog's dick so Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week.

You're an idiot.

Look, Joe,

you never know. You might enjoy it.

I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.

Sir, why is it only me

that has to go to a French Farm to stay with a bunch of freaks?

Not all farmers are freaks.

Alex James - he's in Blur.

But they sent me some cheese, through the post.

There you are. That's lovely.

Probably made from the farmer's wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.

They do that. I read it in Nuts. What? Yeah.

And you're gonna have to wank off a cow. Why on earth would he have to do that?

To get milk, you pagan.

You genuinely think that's where milk comes from?

Look, France isn't that bad.

They've got loads of cool stuff

like skiing and...

Poirot.

Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,

he was a fictional detective created by Agatha Christie.

You know, Murder On The Orient Express.

Er, don't worry, they murder an American, not one of yours.

I can't believe you've actually read a book.

Book? I watched the TV shows.

OK, let's do this. And remember, it's all anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about.

"Should I stop strangling when their lips go blue?"

Right, I'm not going to even dignify that with a response, Mitchell. Sir!

Will any of the French exchange boys be on Grinder?

Stephen, I have no idea.

Lucky dip then. Is it too much to ask to have a serious one?

"He's 23, I'm 15, what will it feel like?"

Illegal, Chantelle!

Oh!

I have just had...the most...

amazing sex ed class.

It was so honest.

We had this big discussion about losing your virginity

and Jason Stephens admitted he was still a virgin.

HE LAUGHS

That's good.

No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie. It was heartfelt and moving.

What's that book? Ah it's, er... Oh, I know this one.

It's very helpful with the basics.

Yeah, I mean I didn't really need it.

It was just in class earlier I sort of messed up a diagram of a penis.

I mean my one of the woman's erm...

Vagina?

Yeah. Vajuja.

I mean that was good cos obviously I've seen many of them,

but, in my time, so I got all the bits right.

You know, tubes,

the eggs,

and, erm, the...

..lid.

The lid? Do you mean the labia?

Yes. Yeah.

The lab...lab...labia. Labia, yes.

That's what it's called.

Look, if you're teaching the phallus,

then it's very important you know your own.

How can you expect your class to understand their bodies if you don't understand yours?

You don't need this. Just study your own.

Get to know it.

What, I mean,

should I, like, trace it?

Examine it, don't be afraid of it.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

I don't need this, this shitty book.

There's all my answers.

Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!

Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.

Fraser, what are you doing?

Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing. You know, squat thrusts.

Just a standard library gym sesh. Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.

How are the old pump and grind classes going?

Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.

I mean this is the stuff that reminds me why I teach.

Don't you think it's amazing that we can inspire such honesty sexually?

Here's that book you asked for.

Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.

It is. You specifically made me buy it from Amazon.

Oh, fine. Very chatty for a librarian, aren't you?

It's for my class.

So, I'll go and read it, to them, now.

Now? Classes don't start for half an hour.

Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again! Not again.

OK, I need to inspire some honesty,

so I'm going to need one of you to lie about being gay.

That will make my sex ed class look so pro.

You know, you come out then I'll counsel you, like the bald guy

they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.

I'll go gay, Sir. But only if you watch.

And from now on, comments like that will be banned.

Sir, after a good deal of soul searching, and a powerful journey

of self discovery. I have come to the conclusion that I am gay.

Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But what we need here is a surprise...

Joe?

No. No, no, no. Look... No, no.

Now don't over-react.

No. Just calm down. No. I'm not doing it. Please.

All I'm asking you to do is to be gay for a day.

You just stand up in the middle of the class and say "Mr Wickers,

"I'm out and proud." Alfie, please don't do this.

Look, we all go through phases.

This one time, me and Atticus Hoye were apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,

and let's just say, our hands did not remain behind our backs.

I really, really don't want to do this.

Please. I know, I'll get you out of going to France.

You promise?

Have I ever let you down?

Ah, that's very sweet of you to offer to come out as well, Jing,

but, er, as they say in China - "one child will do."

Aaaw, that sounds like the French exchange.

Oh, they're gonna be fit. Oh, the bender bus has turned up.

Where are this lot from in France anyway?

From the town of Hoogeveen. Hoogeveen? That sounds German.

Are you sure it's in France.

Yes. From the French province of Drenthe.

Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.

For God's sakes man, you teach Geography.

Well, I don't know. I mean, who's ever been to Holland?

I used to work in Amsterdam.

Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I mean, they're not obsessed with sex.

I mean look, no-one's gonna be hopping on that.

Sexy boy...

Oh, my God! Get that boy to the wheelie bins now!

Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.

Ain't he, Stephen? Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.

Oh, waffles.

Shoot in da hoop. Into me.

Whoa. You just denied this quarterback a three-pointer.

Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen. New balls, please.

Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me

to stop referring to him as a brother from another mother.

He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!

Fraser, did you listen to me? Joe can't go. Why?

Look...

..he has been having some words with me in private

about a couple of issues that his having regarding his sexuality.

Why would that mean he can't go to Holland?

Fraser! Holland!

A young chap like that.

Vulnerable, unsure of himself, wandering round

the red light district of Amsterdam, high on marijuana.

They'd pass his bottom round like a joint.

Ooh. Formal warning from the governors regarding

my conduct towards a black parent.

Do, do, do, do

Do, do, do, do

Do, do, do, do

Do, do, do, do...

Home run!

HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL

Actually can you just, er, pick that one out,

I should probably give it a read before the hearing.

So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?

Well, if he's having t'issues, we can't send him abroad.

I'll just ring around for another pupil.

Oh, before you do that, one of Ms Pickwell's class

has expressed a real affinity with the culture.

Get in the locker!

Hello, Francis.

Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.

Ooh, speaking a little Dutch. That'll come in handy.

You been sniffing Pritt Stick again, you dick rash?

No, because I've found out that it's solvent free.

Mug. Fraser has just been on the phone to your parents.

Turns out there was a last minute drop out on the Dutch exchange,

and we all decided that you could go instead.

You're going to love it on the farm in Hoogeveen.

The 5am starts, the smell of manure,

the vigorous milking, and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.

As they say in Holland, auf wiedersehen.

Bendable, poseable

Bendable, poseable

Bendable, poseable

Bendable, poseable...

Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue. Don't block the camera.

Camera? Are you filming this? Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.

Thank you very much for that.

Now, I'm glad you could all make it to one of our live sex shows.

Sorry - live classes on sex, sex ed class.

It's not a live sex show.

Now, I know you're all a little bit worried about your kids

mingling with the French students, and their dubious sexual outlook.

Fear not, because luckily, ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.

So, enough tickle, a bit more tackle, funk you very much.

Settle down, brothers and sisters. It's time to share.

Where have I been? Good question.

Well, I've been sat in a room getting to know my penis.

And you know what?

He's a pretty great guy, cos Miss G's right.

How can you lot understand your penises

if you don't get to know my penis first?

That's out of context.

You don't need books.

Or libraries.

All of the answers are in here. The pant library.

So, next chapter, sex.

I thought you guys should share.

Is there anything anyone wants to share with the group? Joe, maybe?

Something that you might like to tell us,

some honesty that I've inspired?

No. For me, it's all about making everyone happy.

It's just our bodies, guys, let's have fun.

Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.

We're talking about sex, yeah?

But if you're not mature enough to share with the group, that's fine.

Hey, I'm mature enough. You want me to share? OK well, I like to strum the clitoris.

Ooh. Don't say that!

What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...

It's nothing. It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.

Wait. You're saying the clitoris is a myth? What is a glitorish? Chantelle'll show you.

Yeah, all right. Chantelle, keep your clothes on.

Hey, brother, why don't you share your experiences.

Erm, does anyone want to help me out? Joe?

What is a glitorish? And what's a MILF? Right, not helping.

You're mum's a MILF. She's not. MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to...

Fondle! Fondle. A mother I would like to fondle.

Joe, are you sure there is nothing you want to tell us? No.

What's that I can smell? Is it cheese?

It's almost like we're on a farm.

I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.

You'll have to be a little bit louder.

I'm gay.

Gay! Yup! How honest!

Oh, well done, Joe! That's great, man.

Mitchell, you owe us a fiver. I told you.

I'm not actually gay.

No, no, no. He, he definitely is a gay.

Well, are you gay or not? Alfie made me be gay for him.

Er, right. I, I didn't.

No, you did. You said if I didn't go gay for you,

you'd send me to Holland to live on a farm.

It sounds a lot worse than it actually is was.

Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of them coming out of the ladies toilet together!

What a shit! I bought him cider. That's not good.

Mumsnet has just crashed. That is good.

If you like sex so much, what's your favourite position? All of them. Shall we change the subject?

What foreplay do you take? All of the main ones.

When was the last time you had sex? Erm, on holiday. Who was she?

It was a long time ago. I can't remember. What was her name?

She didn't have one. Did she have balls, Sir? I don't know.

Was it a man? What was his name?

Calm Down. Calm down. Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?

Er, stop asking me so many questions!

Come on, man, share with the group. Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.

I haven't.

All right.

I haven't ever slept with anyone.

I had a girlfriend for a long time but she wanted to save herself.

It just didn't happen.

What is a glitorish?

I don't know what kind of weird, sick paedophile kind of teachers

you employ here, but they are not right here,

they are not right with children. OK, Mrs Lythgoe,

chill your boots, chill your hips, chill your lips, chill your...

just chill, just chill.

To be honest, I think we've got off on the wrong foot.

Alice, have you ever seen her dance?

She is like two Wayne Sleeps. I don't mean in size.

She she's a very, very dainty girl.

Alice has an inherited glandular disorder.

She's not fat, as you called her.

It's phat with a "ph".

Alfie.

What?

About the class, erm...

Look. I don't want to talk about it, all right.

No, I just wanted to say that I was really, really impressed.

You did exactly what I said.

You helped them understand it's OK not to rush things,

by being honest about yourself.

Really?

Yes, Alfie. Really.

See you tomorrow.

Now, AlfBo. Why are you calling me that?

SuBo, never been kissed. Never call me that again.

So, Mumsnet is back online, and it is not good.

There is, what can only be described as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you.

Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way of you taking a brief sabbatical.

You know what they say, out of sight,

out of murderous, angry minds.

Right?

Did you know Hoogeveen has one of Holland's oldest peat farms?

What?

Virgins say what?

What?

This is going to be the longest coach journey of your life.

HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0