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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
Come on or we'll get caught.
Actually, if I get caught,
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,720
does it mean I don't have
to go on a French Exchange?
3
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:11,440
Just shut up and keep guard,
all right? You can't hurry art.
4
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:17,360
This is my Sistine Chapel.
5
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,960
Why are you doing this?
Er, revenge! You've seen the gents',
6
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,720
the slander all over the walls.
7
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,680
That has got Pickwell's name
written all over it.
8
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,360
It's got YOUR name
written all over it.
9
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,120
She is the only person
in this school
10
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,840
that hates me enough
to write those mean things.
11
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,560
What? About your weird feet?
12
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,520
They're not weird,
they're just...flat
13
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,040
and slightly webbed.
14
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,440
Is that why you have to wear
the special shoes? You lot are just jealous
15
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,080
because I'm evolving quicker.
16
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:49,000
When the ice caps melt,
I will be swimming to safety like Kevin Costner in Waterworld.
17
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,160
What's Waterworld?
18
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:54,600
"What's Waterworld"?!
You haven't seen Waterworld?
19
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,840
Ah, Jesus!
20
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,680
Give me that, you little turd.
21
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,920
Right. Off you go. LEAVE!
22
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:05,480
She's coming! Shit! Hide!
There's no way out.
23
00:01:05,480 --> 00:01:07,280
The ventilation shaft.How?
24
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,320
Haven't you seen Die Hard?
It's an 18!
25
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:11,040
What?!
26
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,760
First Waterworld, now this?
27
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,960
What do they teach you people?
28
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:26,320
WHISPERS: I told you she had a wang.
29
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,800
Everything all right in there?
30
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:35,360
Do a noise. Like what?
31
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,120
A girl having a crap.
32
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,520
HE STRAINS
33
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,440
Pathetic.
34
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,480
Yippee ki yay, mu...
Oh, you wouldn't get it.
35
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,800
It's Dick and Dick in Da Bungalow.
36
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,200
Well, that's actually a compliment
37
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,720
because they won
two Children's BAFTAs. What's this?
38
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,520
Taking a photo of you two
butt nuggets leaving the ladies.
39
00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,160
I'm twitpicin' that shit.
40
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:46,280
Don't be a dick. Chill out, flippers.
Someone's been reading Pickwell's graffiti, I see.
41
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:47,720
That's my graffiti, innit.
42
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:55,720
Jumper?
43
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,200
Yeah. You're wearing a jumper,
and jumpers are bent, mate.
44
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,600
This is not bent,
this is Dries Van Noten.
45
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:08,200
Marvin from JLS rocked one of these
bad boys on The One Show.
46
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,000
Look, just delete the photo.
47
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,560
Shut up, Chicken Dippa!
48
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,480
Please. And what if I don't?
49
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:18,840
Then I will...
50
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:22,360
tell on you
to a more senior member of staff.
51
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,880
THEY LAUGH
52
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,680
You is brass, bruv.
53
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,720
Oh, thank you.
54
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,560
Tell you what - I'll delete
the photo if you do me a favour.
55
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:37,600
OK, but I'm not getting involved
in any of your gang nonsense.
56
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,320
I've seen Kidulthood.
I'm not killing anyone with a bat.
57
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,560
Change? But it was my money.
58
00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:58,880
And the rest.
59
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,320
Prick.
60
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,280
That went well.
61
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:12,280
Sacre bleu, le enfant terrible,
le bon vivant, le petit filou..
62
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,560
Fraser, Ca...
63
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:15,920
Brie?
64
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,880
Erm look, about the French Exchange,
er, please don't send Joe.
65
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:22,400
He really doesn't want to go.
He hates France!
66
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:25,760
I was thinking,
maybe you could send a Francophile?
67
00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:27,480
Why would we send the PE teacher?
68
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,000
No, someone who loves France.
69
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,680
Skin?
70
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,440
Hanging!
71
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,160
Why are there all these
parents here?
72
00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,640
What's with all the questions?
Am I on Mastermind?
73
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:43,600
If I am, chosen specialist
subject, classical banter.
74
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,600
6th of the 9th '73 to Present day.
75
00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:46,840
What's going on?
76
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,320
I've started so I'll finish.
77
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,760
The MILF brigade
are in a bit of a tizz
78
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,840
about the impending arrivee
of the French Exchange.
79
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,680
After last year's little debacle,
80
00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,120
this year the parents don't want
their kids getting pregnant.
81
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:04,240
Frigid!
So, to quash any menopausal mayhem,
82
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,000
you have done the assembly on PSHE,
haven't you?
83
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,640
Yeah!
84
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,720
Well, I mean, I haven't.
85
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,720
I let Stephen do it because
he's into drama and stuff. Oh, yeah.
86
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,720
He's doing a presentation
on gender equality.
87
00:05:19,480 --> 00:05:21,000
Rennie?
88
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,720
I've double-dropped.
89
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,720
I can do it like a brother
do it like a dude
90
00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:45,920
Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
91
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,960
Do it like a brother
do it like a dude
92
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,240
Grab my crotch
wear my hat low like you
93
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,800
We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
94
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,320
We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar
95
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,640
We can do it like the man'dem
man'dem
96
00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:06,720
We can do it like the man'dem
sugar, sugar, sugar.
97
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,800
Not a fan of R'n'B.
98
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,360
Right,
those aren't normally allowed.
99
00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,880
It's shocking. I'll have her
out of those in no time.
100
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,680
OK, that didn't come out right.
101
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:40,800
< I'm worried for all
our daughters...
102
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,760
What? Fraser's so out of his depth.
103
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,480
We were talking
about teen sexuality,
104
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:49,800
and I was telling him
about my experiences at a young age with other girls.
105
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:53,680
He just made this grunt noise,
tensed up
106
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,200
and he ran to the toilet.
107
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,400
It's sad really.
108
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:01,040
Yeah, cos I'm, like,
so cool with that.
109
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,200
You know, you...
110
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,880
other girls, making out...
111
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:12,160
Cos what I mean is
like we've all done that.
112
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:17,520
We've all been there, like,
I had a thing, when I was, like, 13.
113
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:22,040
I was having a sleepover, and I was
top-and-tailing with Atticus Hoye
114
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,640
and, I was at half mast,
115
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,920
maybe even two thirds.
116
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,440
No, but you see Alfie,
117
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:34,600
my point is that I think Fraser
might have a more personal problem.
118
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,000
Lives in Derby now, old Atticus.
119
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,600
Added me on Facebook the other day.
120
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,360
Let's just say,
I would not get a semi anymore.
121
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,560
Shall we go and help Fraser? Yep.
122
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,880
This is going straight onto Mumsnet.
Sod Mumsnet.
123
00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,760
OK, last year Jean Claude
caused a bit of a stir.
124
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,600
Disgusting beast. Chill, Winston!
125
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,000
You've let this place become
a den of inequity. Look at this!
126
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:04,000
Don't you think girls have enough
pressure without this kind of thing? Oh, we don't discriminate.
127
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:07,520
We let the Dove adverty ones enter.
Fat Alice did it last year.
128
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,840
That's outrageous. Exactly.
That's why I voted her off in the first round.
129
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,520
"Fat Alice" is my daughter!
130
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:13,840
Hasn't she got nice eyes?
131
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,800
Yeah, lovely girl.
132
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,400
Bubbly Alice.
133
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,080
And it's gonna be worse
when the exchange students arrive.
134
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,960
I don't want some predator
in a beret groping my daughter.
135
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,680
Mrs Lythgoe, if it's any consolation
136
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:30,800
I think twinkly-eyed Alice will be
very low down on their list.
137
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,400
No, that's appears
to have made it worse. Look.
138
00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,160
You're all squabbling over
what is the most beautiful part in bringing up a child.
139
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:44,200
We have to work together
to help our kids
140
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,920
embrace the changes that are going
on inside their bodies.
141
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,840
COUGHS: Bullshit!
Finally some sense!
142
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,320
I think it's really important
that we make a stand...
143
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,240
Yo, my turn. Um.
144
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,920
Just wanted to throw this one
out there.
145
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:03,960
If any of the staff or indeed mums
that are under the age of 40,
146
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,600
unless they're proper fit...
147
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,640
want to come and draw on my wealth
148
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,040
of sexual knowledge,
you know where my door is.
149
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:17,440
How can I trust this moron
with teaching my children
150
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,840
something as important
as sex education?
151
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:24,120
I can assure you we are more
than qualified to deal with this.
152
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:27,280
Perhaps some of the parents might
like to sit in on a class? Mr Wickers!
153
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,600
You'd be happy with that,
wouldn't you?
154
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:31,920
Erm...
155
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,200
Alfie?
156
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,800
Yep. Yeah. Sure, fine, yeah, cool.
157
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,720
Share the knowledge. Feel the force.
158
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:42,640
I'm like a sex Yoda.
159
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,160
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Many times
done it, I have.
160
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,640
Oh, top notch Jedi banter.
161
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,640
Well, that's settled then.
162
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,480
What say you meet us
all back here at 2.30?
163
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,680
And I can promise, by the time
that mini-bus arrives from France,
164
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,040
all your little Casanovas will
know their pinks from their browns.
165
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:03,160
OK?
166
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,800
You need to be aware
of all the major sexual organs.
167
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,440
Yeah.
168
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,280
Labia...
169
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,080
vulva...
170
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,880
vagina.
171
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:28,200
So, we're all good
talking about the...
172
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,000
Anus.
173
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:35,840
I thought we could watch a home video
my husband and I made on our honeymoon.
174
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:38,760
It's on the internet somewhere.
175
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,800
Acts 15-20.
176
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,560
"And Moses did write to them,
telling them to abstain
177
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:48,840
"from sexual immorality and from
the meat of strangled animals."
178
00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:50,160
That's funny, Miss.
179
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,480
I've heard you like to strangle
the meat of your animal. Shut up, Grayson.
180
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:58,280
'And in we go. Back and forth,
back and forth! Olive, do you want a scotch egg?
181
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,920
'Who's a good boy?'
182
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,480
Sex was invented...
183
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,840
by the Romans.
184
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:10,800
Pornography will give you
a totally distorted impression of the female body.
185
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,880
Those aren't real women. This is.
186
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:18,680
It's... Fanny!
187
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,680
I give up.
I don't know how to do it.
188
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,880
Sir, why don't you just draw
a frog's dick so Joe knows what he'll be sucking on next week.
189
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,440
You're an idiot.
190
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,680
Look, Joe,
191
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,600
you never know. You might enjoy it.
192
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,960
I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.
193
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,720
Sir, why is it only me
194
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,000
that has to go to a French Farm
to stay with a bunch of freaks?
195
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,280
Not all farmers are freaks.
196
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,360
Alex James - he's in Blur.
197
00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,280
But they sent me some cheese,
through the post.
198
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:52,080
There you are. That's lovely.
199
00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:55,400
Probably made from the farmer's
wife's tit milk. Don't be stupid.
200
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,880
They do that. I read it in Nuts.
What? Yeah.
201
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,920
And you're gonna have to wank off
a cow. Why on earth would he have to do that?
202
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,280
To get milk, you pagan.
203
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,640
You genuinely think
that's where milk comes from?
204
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,080
Look, France isn't that bad.
205
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,920
They've got loads of cool stuff
206
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,000
like skiing and...
207
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,480
Poirot.
208
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:18,760
Er, Poirot, Jing, erm,
209
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,640
he was a fictional detective
created by Agatha Christie.
210
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:25,760
You know,
Murder On The Orient Express.
211
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,480
Er, don't worry, they murder
an American, not one of yours.
212
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,560
I can't believe
you've actually read a book.
213
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,920
Book? I watched the TV shows.
214
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:42,480
OK, let's do this.
And remember, it's all anonymous so you've got nothing to worry about.
215
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:47,840
"Should I stop strangling
when their lips go blue?"
216
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:51,840
Right, I'm not going to even dignify
that with a response, Mitchell. Sir!
217
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:56,600
Will any of the French exchange
boys be on Grinder?
218
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,960
Stephen, I have no idea.
219
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:02,760
Lucky dip then. Is it too much
to ask to have a serious one?
220
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,320
"He's 23, I'm 15,
what will it feel like?"
221
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,960
Illegal, Chantelle!
222
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,840
Oh!
223
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:26,400
I have just had...the most...
224
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,480
amazing sex ed class.
225
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,200
It was so honest.
226
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,680
We had this big discussion
about losing your virginity
227
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,840
and Jason Stephens
admitted he was still a virgin.
228
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,080
HE LAUGHS
229
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,160
That's good.
230
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,840
No, it wasn't a joke, Alfie.
It was heartfelt and moving.
231
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,400
What's that book? Ah it's, er...
Oh, I know this one.
232
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:51,080
It's very helpful with the basics.
233
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,880
Yeah, I mean
I didn't really need it.
234
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,000
It was just in class earlier I sort
of messed up a diagram of a penis.
235
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,520
I mean my one of the woman's erm...
236
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,880
Vagina?
237
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,240
Yeah. Vajuja.
238
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:07,440
I mean that was good
cos obviously I've seen many of them,
239
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,680
but, in my time,
so I got all the bits right.
240
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,040
You know, tubes,
241
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,640
the eggs,
242
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,440
and, erm, the...
243
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:19,960
..lid.
244
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,920
The lid? Do you mean the labia?
245
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,120
Yes. Yeah.
246
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,280
The lab...lab...labia.
Labia, yes.
247
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,880
That's what it's called.
248
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:29,520
Look, if you're teaching
the phallus,
249
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,960
then it's very important
you know your own.
250
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:36,960
How can you expect your class
to understand their bodies if you don't understand yours?
251
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,000
You don't need this.
Just study your own.
252
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,520
Get to know it.
253
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:42,840
What, I mean,
254
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,240
should I, like, trace it?
255
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,320
Examine it, don't be afraid of it.
256
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,760
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
257
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:53,120
I don't need this, this shitty book.
258
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,800
There's all my answers.
259
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,360
Yeah, damn this shitty book. Aargh!
260
00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,040
Oh, I think you hit someone, Alfie.
261
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:01,720
Fraser, what are you doing?
262
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:07,200
Oh, just, er, just Peter Crouch'ing.
You know, squat thrusts.
263
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,840
Just a standard library gym sesh.
Working on the old, er, bibliopecs.
264
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,400
How are the old pump
and grind classes going?
265
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,680
Yeah, I was just telling Alfie.
266
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,320
I mean this is the stuff that
reminds me why I teach.
267
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,800
Don't you think it's amazing that we
can inspire such honesty sexually?
268
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,880
Here's that book you asked for.
269
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,840
Oh, that's, no, that's not for me.
270
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:33,680
It is. You specifically made
me buy it from Amazon.
271
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,960
Oh, fine. Very chatty for
a librarian, aren't you?
272
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,120
It's for my class.
273
00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:46,800
So, I'll go and read it,
to them, now.
274
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:50,240
Now? Classes don't
start for half an hour.
275
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,280
Oh, oops! Jumped the gun again!
Not again.
276
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,760
OK, I need to inspire some honesty,
277
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:07,080
so I'm going to need one of you to
lie about being gay.
278
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,040
That will make my
sex ed class look so pro.
279
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,280
You know, you come out then
I'll counsel you, like the bald guy
280
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,040
they bring out on Jeremy Kyle.
281
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,120
I'll go gay, Sir.
But only if you watch.
282
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:19,480
And from now on,
comments like that will be banned.
283
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:22,560
Sir, after a good deal of soul
searching, and a powerful journey
284
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,960
of self discovery. I have come to
the conclusion that I am gay.
285
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:32,040
Ah, that's lovely Stephen. But
what we need here is a surprise...
286
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,800
Joe?
287
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:36,920
No. No, no, no. Look...
No, no.
288
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,520
Now don't over-react.
289
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:42,640
No. Just calm down.
No. I'm not doing it. Please.
290
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,760
All I'm asking you to do is
to be gay for a day.
291
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,680
You just stand up in the middle of
the class and say "Mr Wickers,
292
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,080
"I'm out and proud."
Alfie, please don't do this.
293
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,720
Look, we all go through phases.
294
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:58,640
This one time, me and Atticus Hoye
were apple-bobbing at Patrick Marsh's barn-dance,
295
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,920
and let's just say, our hands
did not remain behind our backs.
296
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,600
I really,
really don't want to do this.
297
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:11,560
Please. I know,
I'll get you out of going to France.
298
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,800
You promise?
299
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,720
Have I ever let you down?
300
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,400
Ah, that's very sweet of you to
offer to come out as well, Jing,
301
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,640
but, er, as they say in China -
"one child will do."
302
00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,400
Aaaw, that sounds like
the French exchange.
303
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,520
Oh, they're gonna be fit.
Oh, the bender bus has turned up.
304
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,920
Where are this
lot from in France anyway?
305
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:41,600
From the town of Hoogeveen.
Hoogeveen? That sounds German.
306
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:43,120
Are you sure it's in France.
307
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,040
Yes.
From the French province of Drenthe.
308
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,600
Erm. Hoogeveen is in Holland.
309
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,480
For God's sakes man,
you teach Geography.
310
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,480
Well, I don't know.
I mean, who's ever been to Holland?
311
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:58,680
I used to work in Amsterdam.
312
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:04,760
Well, they're Dutch. It's fine. I
mean, they're not obsessed with sex.
313
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:09,200
I mean look,
no-one's gonna be hopping on that.
314
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,160
Sexy boy...
315
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:30,040
Oh, my God! Get that boy
to the wheelie bins now!
316
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,440
Shut up, you slag. He's well bent.
317
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,280
Ain't he, Stephen?
Well, if he isn't, I'll bend him.
318
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:39,680
Oh, waffles.
319
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,920
Shoot in da hoop. Into me.
320
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,520
Whoa. You just denied this
quarterback a three-pointer.
321
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,280
Fraser, Joe can't go to Hoogeveen.
New balls, please.
322
00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,000
Oh, email from Mr Smith asking me
323
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,920
to stop referring to him
as a brother from another mother.
324
00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:09,240
He shoots and... Ooh, touchdown!
325
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,760
Fraser, did you listen to me?
Joe can't go. Why?
326
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,920
Look...
327
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:20,320
..he has been having some
words with me in private
328
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:26,080
about a couple of issues that
his having regarding his sexuality.
329
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,120
Why would that mean
he can't go to Holland?
330
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,160
Fraser! Holland!
331
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,120
A young chap like that.
332
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:38,080
Vulnerable, unsure of himself,
wandering round
333
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:42,320
the red light district of Amsterdam,
high on marijuana.
334
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,800
They'd pass his bottom
round like a joint.
335
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:49,160
Ooh. Formal warning from
the governors regarding
336
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,320
my conduct towards
a black parent.
337
00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,320
Do, do, do, do
338
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:56,280
Do, do, do, do
339
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,960
Do, do, do, do
340
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,720
Do, do, do, do...
341
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,440
Home run!
342
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,440
HE IMITATES A BUGLE CALL
343
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,040
Actually can you just,
er, pick that one out,
344
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,000
I should probably give it
a read before the hearing.
345
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:16,240
So, are we agreed? Joe's not going?
346
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,320
Well, if he's having t'issues,
we can't send him abroad.
347
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,960
I'll just ring around
for another pupil.
348
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:27,120
Oh, before you do that,
one of Ms Pickwell's class
349
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:32,000
has expressed a real affinity
with the culture.
350
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,080
Get in the locker!
351
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,480
Hello, Francis.
352
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,160
Well, if ain't Dries Von Noten.
353
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,920
Ooh, speaking a little Dutch.
That'll come in handy.
354
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:48,800
You been sniffing Pritt Stick
again, you dick rash?
355
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:52,200
No, because I've found out
that it's solvent free.
356
00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:56,800
Mug. Fraser has just been on
the phone to your parents.
357
00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,760
Turns out there was a last minute
drop out on the Dutch exchange,
358
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,840
and we all decided that
you could go instead.
359
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,920
You're going to love it on the farm
in Hoogeveen.
360
00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,000
The 5am starts, the smell of manure,
361
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:15,040
the vigorous milking,
and that's just Mrs Vorhoeven.
362
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:19,480
As they say in Holland,
auf wiedersehen.
363
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,880
Bendable, poseable
364
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,840
Bendable, poseable
365
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,480
Bendable, poseable
366
00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:33,440
Bendable, poseable...
367
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,720
Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
Don't block the camera.
368
00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:41,000
Camera? Are you filming this?
Yeah, I'm streaming it on Mumsnet.
369
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,960
Thank you very much for that.
370
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,760
Now, I'm glad you could all make it
to one of our live sex shows.
371
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,800
Sorry - live classes on sex,
sex ed class.
372
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,480
It's not a live sex show.
373
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:55,480
Now, I know you're all a little
bit worried about your kids
374
00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,440
mingling with the French students,
and their dubious sexual outlook.
375
00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:06,440
Fear not, because luckily,
ah, our students are in fact, Dutch.
376
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,600
So, enough tickle, a bit more
tackle, funk you very much.
377
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,200
Settle down, brothers and sisters.
It's time to share.
378
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,160
Where have I been? Good question.
379
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,080
Well, I've been sat in a room
getting to know my penis.
380
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:37,080
And you know what?
381
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,320
He's a pretty great guy,
cos Miss G's right.
382
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,480
How can you lot
understand your penises
383
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,600
if you don't get to
know my penis first?
384
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,560
That's out of context.
385
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:54,120
You don't need books.
386
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,200
Or libraries.
387
00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:00,640
All of the answers are in here.
The pant library.
388
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:07,040
So, next chapter, sex.
389
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,480
I thought you guys should share.
390
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:19,440
Is there anything anyone wants to
share with the group? Joe, maybe?
391
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,840
Something that you
might like to tell us,
392
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:25,440
some honesty that I've inspired?
393
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,400
No. For me, it's all about making
everyone happy.
394
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:31,760
It's just our bodies, guys,
let's have fun.
395
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:35,480
Right, I'm sorry. We're not talking
about fun, and happiness, Hoogeveen.
396
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,840
We're talking about sex, yeah?
397
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:41,840
But if you're not mature enough to
share with the group, that's fine.
398
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:45,960
Hey, I'm mature enough.
You want me to share? OK well, I like to strum the clitoris.
399
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,760
Ooh. Don't say that!
400
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,400
What's a glitorish? Oh, it's like...
401
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,920
It's nothing.
It doesn't even exist. It's a myth.
402
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,840
Wait. You're saying the clitoris is
a myth? What is a glitorish? Chantelle'll show you.
403
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,280
Yeah, all right. Chantelle,
keep your clothes on.
404
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,760
Hey, brother, why don't you
share your experiences.
405
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,640
Erm, does anyone want to
help me out? Joe?
406
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,360
What is a glitorish? And what's
a MILF? Right, not helping.
407
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,680
You're mum's a MILF. She's not.
MILF, my friend, is a mother I'd like to...
408
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,360
Fondle! Fondle.
A mother I would like to fondle.
409
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:18,160
Joe, are you sure there is nothing
you want to tell us? No.
410
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,280
What's that I can smell?
Is it cheese?
411
00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,320
It's almost like we're on a farm.
412
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:25,840
I'm gay. Sorry? I didn't hear it.
413
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,480
You'll have to be a little
bit louder.
414
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,480
I'm gay.
415
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,440
Gay! Yup! How honest!
416
00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:36,240
Oh, well done, Joe!
That's great, man.
417
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,040
Mitchell, you owe us a fiver.
I told you.
418
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,880
I'm not actually gay.
419
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,440
No, no, no.
He, he definitely is a gay.
420
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:47,640
Well, are you gay or not?
Alfie made me be gay for him.
421
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,200
Er, right. I, I didn't.
422
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,640
No, you did. You said
if I didn't go gay for you,
423
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,840
you'd send me to
Holland to live on a farm.
424
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,240
It sounds a lot worse
than it actually is was.
425
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:59,800
Look, Grayson's sent me a photo of
them coming out of the ladies toilet together!
426
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,520
What a shit! I bought him cider.
That's not good.
427
00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,320
Mumsnet has just crashed.
That is good.
428
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,600
If you like sex so much, what's your
favourite position? All of them. Shall we change the subject?
429
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,120
What foreplay do you take?
All of the main ones.
430
00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:14,120
When was the last time you had sex?
Erm, on holiday. Who was she?
431
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,720
It was a long time ago. I can't
remember. What was her name?
432
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,800
She didn't have one. Did she have
balls, Sir? I don't know.
433
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,440
Was it a man? What was his name?
434
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,800
Calm Down. Calm down.
Is it on YouPorn? What's ATM?
435
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:27,360
Er, stop asking me
so many questions!
436
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:32,080
Come on, man, share with the group.
Leave me alone, Hoogeveen.
437
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,200
I haven't.
438
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,280
All right.
439
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,480
I haven't ever slept with anyone.
440
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:46,000
I had a girlfriend for a long time
but she wanted to save herself.
441
00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,320
It just didn't happen.
442
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,280
What is a glitorish?
443
00:25:57,280 --> 00:26:00,040
I don't know what kind of weird,
sick paedophile kind of teachers
444
00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,960
you employ here,
but they are not right here,
445
00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,400
they are not right with children.
OK, Mrs Lythgoe,
446
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,200
chill your boots, chill your hips,
chill your lips, chill your...
447
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,560
just chill, just chill.
448
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,880
To be honest, I think we've
got off on the wrong foot.
449
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,960
Alice, have you ever seen her dance?
450
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,080
She is like two Wayne Sleeps.
I don't mean in size.
451
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:18,480
She she's a very, very dainty girl.
452
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,560
Alice has an inherited
glandular disorder.
453
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,400
She's not fat, as you called her.
454
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,440
It's phat with a "ph".
455
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:26,520
Alfie.
456
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:27,680
What?
457
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:29,520
About the class, erm...
458
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,440
Look. I don't want to
talk about it, all right.
459
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,600
No, I just wanted to say that
I was really, really impressed.
460
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,000
You did exactly what I said.
461
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:41,000
You helped them understand
it's OK not to rush things,
462
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,520
by being honest about yourself.
463
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:45,280
Really?
464
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:46,960
Yes, Alfie. Really.
465
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,360
See you tomorrow.
466
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:54,760
Now, AlfBo.
Why are you calling me that?
467
00:26:54,760 --> 00:26:57,120
SuBo, never been kissed.
Never call me that again.
468
00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:59,680
So, Mumsnet is back online,
and it is not good.
469
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:03,480
There is, what can only be described
as an angry hate mob demanding I sack you.
470
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:08,360
Yeah, but luckily I've hit on a way
of you taking a brief sabbatical.
471
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,200
You know what they say,
out of sight,
472
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,640
out of murderous, angry minds.
473
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,120
Right?
474
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:21,400
Did you know Hoogeveen has
one of Holland's oldest peat farms?
475
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,640
What?
476
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:31,960
Virgins say what?
477
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,200
What?
478
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:45,960
This is going to be the longest
coach journey of your life.
479
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:48,600
HE LAUGHS MISCHIEVOUSLY
480
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,560
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
481
00:28:13,610 --> 00:28:18,160
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38252
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