Original subtitles

You are not leaving this table until you

eat all of your broccoli, young lady.

Great. I've become my mother.

Please, Emma, do it for Daddy.

Okay, how 'bout just this one piece?

Oh! Don't you give me those eyes.

I invented those eyes.

We can do this all night, sister. Okay?

You're not leaving this table until that plate is clean.

Well played, Emma. Well played.

(theme music playing)

It's amazing how the unexpected

Can take your life and change direction

- Sync and corrected by TheDelta - - www.addic7ed.com -

(dings)

Well, pretty sure you're the first guy to pass out in a Lamaze class.

You know, it's comforting to know that during the birth,

you'll be right there by my side...

unconscious.

I'm sorry, but nobody told me we were

gonna see a video of an actual birth.

God, I hope I never see that again!

Maybe nobody noticed.

Ha! Yeah, well, if they didn't hear you snoring,

they definitely heard you giggle

every time the instructor said

- "vagina." - (Giggles)

Well, of course, I thought you said "yogurt."

I mean, why would I want to get all sweaty and bendy with you?

Oh, whoa!

Is it just me or are you twice as big

as the last time I saw you?

Well, I just came by to make you an offer

you can't refuse.

So, it turns out that Brad and I

can't take that cruise we booked,

because one of us committed a felony,

and is in jail.

My money was so on you in that scenario.

Well, the tickets are nonrefundable,

so, I thought you might like to go.

Oh my God, really? A cruise?

I've... I've never been on one.

- Mrs. Wheeler that's so amaze... - Okay, shh.

Not you and Danny.

Me and Danny, okay?

I mean, do you really want to be seen in a bikini right now?

Me thinks not.

Plus, I thought it would be a really fun mother/son bonding trip.

I mean, somebody never lets us have any fun anymore.

Oh, man, wow!

Just wow, but...

I don't know, Mom. I mean,

we've been pretty busy with these Lablahzery classes.

Ah, Lamaze.

The poor man's epidural.

Yeah, but they're super important to Riley.

Oh, oh, you know, we're good. It was a special.

One and done. We are 100% ready to have this baby.

Hey, Tucker, can I talk to you for a second?

I mean, I doubt it. You're pretty long-winded.

Danny, this cruise is gonna be so much fun!

You know, I took a Lamaze class once.

I got thrown out for giggling every time

the instructor said "vagina."

(both laughing)

(rhythmic breathing)

Man, I thought you said there would be hot chicks here.

There are.

They're just pregnant.

(chimes)

(grunts) Yeah.

Oh my God. Oh my God! My ex-girlfriend from high school's over there!

Crap! She can't see me like this.

She dumped me so hard in the middle of cheerleading practice.

Wow, that must've been awkward.

Yeah! Considering I was on top of the pyramid at the time.

I have been planning my revenge moment for years.

I mean, I'm supposed to be living large right now!

Not sitting on an old, smelly pillow

at the Y with my fat, sweaty friend.

I'm pregnant.

Yeah, that's what I said. Fat and sweaty.

Tucker?

Tucker Dobbs, is that really you?

Adrienne? Adrienne!

Wow! What a... What a small world!

What... What are you doing here?

I'm guessing the same as you. Having a baby!

Oh, you must be Tucker's wife!

- Oh, we're not... - Into bragging.

But! But this is...

This is my smart, beautiful, lawyer wife, Riley.

(chuckles) She's a lawyer.

She used to be a swimsuit model before she got fat.

Wow! Wow, and look at you with... with the husband.

Oh, crazy, right? This is my Joe.

Joe, this is my old friend from high school, Tucker.

Kinda more than a friend.

Oh! Were you that cheerleader dude?

Okay.

Well, great catching up, right?

Oh, what's the rush?

You know, we should have lunch,

the four of us.

I know we're free right now.

Uh, yeah, if it's not awkward, or any...

Oh, no, that's okay. I love awkward.

Awkward can be fun.

What do you mean Mom is sending you and Riley on a cruise?

Why would she do that? What's the catch?

No catch. She just thought with the baby...

Hey, I've had a kid for over three years, and what's she ever given me?

Well, actually, she has been kind of invaluable with Emma.

But that's no cruise!

What up, sons of bitches?

That's right, I just called myself a bitch.

You know why? Because I embrace my flaws.

You see, boys, life is about confidence, courage.

And you know what gives me courage?

Booze, you got any?

No, and I'm glad you're here.

Let's talk about Mexico, shall we?

Okay, I'll go first. I like it!

I can't believe you only thought about

Danny for this vacation.

I should get to go on a cruise, too.

Well, you know, to be honest, sweetie,

I didn't think you'd be interested.

Why not?

I tan well, I look great in shorts,

and quite frankly, I've always wanted to order a pink drink

without feeling ashamed.

Well, Ben, all you had to do was ask

if you wanted to spend some alone time with your mom.

I-I-I'm sorry. Did you just say "alone time" with you?

I cannot believe that both my boys

want to spend a whole week with me.

And to think, I almost gave one of you up for adoption.

You know what, I'm being selfish.

You asked Danny first. He should go with you.

Oh, no, no, no, that's okay, dude.

You deserve a rest. You should go.

No, no, no, you should go. I insist.

Oh, but you look so good in shorts.

All right, you two kids fight it out amongst yourselves and decide.

I am going to the drugstore to get some Band-Aids.

I don't want my nipples to get sunburnt.

(door closes)

You tricked me!

Not as dumb as I think, huh?

Don't you mean, "Not as dumb as you think?"

No, that doesn't make sense at all.

Fine, whatever. You have declared war,

so we shall settle this the way all Wheeler gentlemen do.

We go to battle. Loser goes with Mom.

I'm in, but what are we gonna play?

The customary challenge would be Slaughter Ball,

but local laws have now made it illegal in the tri-state area.

Might I suggest a civilized game of Donkey Tail?

Hmm, I'll allow it.

But the ceremonial tail's been missing

since the great fire of '07.

Oh, has it?

Who's the ass? You're the ass!

Get back here!

And that is how I ended up

the executive producer of a hit talk show.

Did I mention I won a New York Entertainment Award?

Shockingly, no.

I won a New York Entertainment Award.

- That's great, Tucker. - Yeah.

You did really well for yourself.

You know, since we're bragging.

- Was I bragging? - A little.

I was just voted Graphic Designer of the Year.

Wow! That is really impressive.

Both real and impressive, isn't it, Tucker?

I mean, it's all right.

I... I was gonna keep this is a secret, but...

- I own this bar! - (Coughing)

Right? I mean, sometimes you just gotta burn off all that cash, right?

Man, it's tough being rich!

- Money can't buy everything. - No.

Like the truth.

Or silence, okay?

Well... Well, this has been great.

And it's been great seeing you.

Be sure to tell the old gang how amazing I'm doing.

Yeah, hey, hey, why make this a one-time thing?

We'd love a new couple friend.

- Dinner tomorrow night? - Seriously?

- We're actually... - Totally available.

Come on, what do you say? Same place?

I mean, you do own the joint.

I do, all right.

- Yeah, all right. - See ya.

(muttering) Really lookin' forward to it.

- Why didn't you stop him? - I don't know! I panicked!

You're the one who suggested lunch.

Yeah, 'cause I thought it would be hilarious

to see you squirm in front of your ex.

Not because I wanted to be dragged into some weird production

of Tucker Dobbs' Sad Little House of Lies.

It's a terrible play.

Riley, come on!

(yelps)

Don't do that! I thought you were Danny!

You didn't see me.

I'm hiding from Danny! I'm hiding from Danny!

Hiding from Danny. Hiding from Danny.

Hiding from Danny. Hiding from Danny, hiding.

Well, I guess I'm done babysitting.

Hello!

All right, hey! What do you say...

we camp out in Daddy's room tonight,

that way we won't run into Uncle Donkey. It'll be fun!

- (thuds) - (Screams)

(grunts) I'm comin' for ya, little bro!

Camping trip canceled!

Running from Danny!

Running from Danny! Running from Danny! Running from Danny!

Running from Danny! Here.

Talk to you later, Flaskie. Hey.

(screams)

(shouts)

- You're an ass! - No, you're an ass!

- (shouts) - (Whimpers)

You're an ass!

Ben: Still the ass!

Aw.

Your dad has never lost a game of Donkey Tail.

That's probably not the proud moment I think it is.

Gimme a minute, and I'll come up with something else.

I still can't believe you lost the Donkey Tail in the subway.

They called me "Donkey Boy," Ben.

You know I don't do well with name-calling!

We need a new game. How 'bout Dart Dodge?

No! I still have a hole behind my ear.

Bottle Drop?

No, I still have a slight limp when it rains.

(whistle trills)

Flag on the play!

I am officially changing the game,

since you two knuckleheads can't settle it,

and I know how much you both want to go away with Mom.

We do, Mom, we really do.

Yeah, Mom, we're dying to go.

Dying.

Well, then, it's a good thing I came up

with a little something I like to call "Truth...

or Mom-sequences."

Let's see who knows me best!

- Oh, crap! - Oh, I so got this!

All right, Ben, you honk the horn if you know the answer.

Danny, hit the bell.

- (dings) - When you know the answer.

(dings)

I didn't ask a question yet.

- Got it. - (Dings)

Okay, this...

All right, here we go.

What's my favorite...

- (honks horn) - Chardonnay!

When did I go to jail?

- (honks horn) - '92, '96 and 2012.

Where did your dad and I conceive...

- (honks horn) - Back seat of the Pinto, you were 17.

- And wearing? - A full leg cast!

Where is Aunt Sylvia...

Buried under the bridge by the East River.

How many aliases?

Three aliases! Uh, Brenda Wong, Barbara Wachowski,

and, for some reason, Bruce Winston.

- Who are my... - Archenemies!

Tonya, the Schwarma Guy, and Nana Lyle.

- Who is my favorite... - Danny! All day, every day!

Yes! In a surprise twist, Benji wins!

Yes, I did it! Ha!

I don't have to go on that stupid cruise

to stupid Mexico with stupid Mom, you do!

Oh, crap.

Hey, Mom, I didn't mean it...

Mom, come on, I was just joking!

- (door closes) - Uh-oh.

No slam, you know what that means.

It's gonna be a very long night.

How do you know so much about Mom anyway?

How do you not? She never shuts up.

Oh! Hey, Riley. Wow.

You know what? You really do have that pregnancy glow.

Aw, really?

'Cause you have that fake compliment glow.

I am not going to dinner with you and your incredibly amazing ex, okay?

I'm a lawyer. I have to lie every day at work.

I don't want to have to do it in my real life.

Come on, please!

Look, if she finds out I made everything up,

she'll tell everyone from high school.

And once again, I'll be Dorky Doody Dobbs.

You'll always be Dorky Doody Dobbs to me.

Fine.

I'll, um, I'll just tell Danny you took me to Lamaze class.

Oh, you wouldn't dare.

Oh, I dare.

- Danny! - No.

Danny, I need to talk to you...

Tucker and I are having dinner tonight.

That's what I thought.

Hey, uh, do you want to come have second breakfast with me?

No can do. Can't leave the couch.

Mom locked herself in Ben's room,

and the first one to leave the couch

will be chastised to a new level of shame

if she comes out and we're not here.

A simple "no" would have sufficed.

It's clearly a gorilla petting a cat.

Dude, please, it's obviously a penguin playing a ukulele.

We should really get the ceiling painted.

She's never coming out, is she?

We should order more pizza.

And we need to get our stories straight before she comes out.

- We need to stick together. - (Door opens)

Oh, hey Mom! Remember when I knew all

that stuff about you that Danny didn't?

I love you!

You know, I can't believe I wasted my youth

raising the two most ungrateful,

mean, sorry excuses for sons this world has ever seen.

Would it have been that traumatic

to spend some time alone with your mother?

The one person, who spent her life trying to make sure

that you got to be a professional hockey player,

and you... the proud brother of a professional hockey player.

I have never been this disappointed

in my own flesh and blood, and, trust me,

I have had a lifetime of disappointment from you both.

Mom, we're so sorry.

No, no, he's not, but I am, Mom.

I really am. I want to go on that cruise with you.

Yeah, well, I'm sorrier, so I should go with you.

No way! I'm going!

Screw you! I'm going!

What makes you think she wants to go with you?

Because we never spend any time together!

(arguing continues indistinctly)

And I'm back to being fought over.

Order restored.

Look... all you have to do is sit through one dinner,

and when they call for another date,

I will tell them I dumped you.

Or better yet, you died.

And you can waddle off into the distance.

Totally fine with that, Doody.

Oh, man, that gift just keeps on giving.

I can't believe you did this to me!

Hey, I thought it'd be funny to see you squirm in front of your ex.

It wasn't my idea to lie about being your husband.

Well, I panicked!

I couldn't tell him you're a broke actor,

and I'm a knocked-up single woman who

doesn't even know who the father is.

And now, thanks to you, I have to tap dance through another meal.

Hey, if they ask us out again? Feel free to say I dumped you.

I'm going on that cruise with Mom if it's the last thing I do.

Well, it will be the last thing you do

after the last thing I do to you,

which will render you unable to do the last thing you wanted to do.

Good one, Danny.

I didn't get it, but I like your passion.

I'm going with Mom! I won the quiz.

That shouldn't count.

You were trying to win, so you could lose,

now we're trying to win, so we can win!

Ooh, you know, that one, I actually got.

Good job, Danny!

You know, just once, I wish you'd say, "Good job, Danny" to me.

Just try to come up with a real competition I can't win.

Hey, can I vodka soda with a twist?

Yeah, sure thing.

Boom!

Bartending. Now that, I can crush.

What... No, that's not even fair.

Then back out now, and let me go on the cruise.

Oh, no. It's on!

Whoever gets the most tips at the end of a half an hour, wins.

Done.

And I will stay impartial by not tipping.

Both: You never tip!

(women cheering)

- (women cheer) - (Clatters)

(women cheering loudly)

Time! Danny wins!

Damn it!

You are going on that cruise!

Okay, well, I'm gonna go home and start planning

some fun couple things to do in Mexico.

Matching tats, mother/son massages, oh!

Oh, and by the way, I just heard.

We have to share a king.

You're cool with that, right?

(excited squeals)

Ha! You thought you had it in the bag, didn't you, bro?

Yep. I'm crushed.

Totally blindsided. Have a great time with Mom.

Wait. You threw the competition?

I didn't even have to!

I knew that shirt was coming off,

like, two seconds in.

Man, you can be such a basic bitch.

Wait, so you didn't ever want to go away with Mom?

I did for, like, a second, but then I remembered,

"Oh, yeah, it's Mom."

But... But that's cheating! I didn't want to go either!

Well, you should've thought of that before your whole strip show.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

Page three of the Wheeler War Family Guide Book

clearly states, deceptive rules are strictly forbidden.

We're still in this.

Damn it, I wrote that book to confuse you.

I didn't think you'd actually read it.

Fine, whatever, your pick.

Loser goes with Mom, and there's no way I'm losing.

What's it gonna be?

Oh... I dunno.

- Five Minute Tag, you're it! - Damn!

What was that all about?

No idea. (clears throat)

Well, this was fun, right?

Let... Let's do this again sometime, yeah?

We haven't even ordered yet.

The service here sucks.

Actually, so does the food.

Isn't this your bar?

It is.

- You're fired. - (Scoffing)

You know, Tucker,

it is so interesting how you managed to open up a bar,

become an executive producer of a hit TV show,

and still be a reserve for the Navy SEALs.

Tell me again how you made all... that happen.

Well, I...

I... I couldn't do it without the help of my beautiful wife.

Help, beautiful wife.

- (both muttering) - Girl, you better help me.

- Are you serious? - Come on, please help me.

- I'm not helping. - You better help me.

Oh my gosh, I...

I can't believe that thing's happening over there!

(shrieks) Oh no! My water just broke!

I think the baby is coming!

- Really? Now? - Uh-huh.

Yes! Yes, it is!

The... the baby is coming, so... so,

so, we will obviously have to go.

Talk soon... or not.

Everybody stand back, she's having a baby!

Wait. You're having our baby now?

- Danny, hey! - His baby?

Oh, we got to get you to the hospital!

- You're it! - Aw, dang it!

Boom. Game over. I win. You lose.

You have to go on the cruise. Ha!

Drinks on me.

Well, just you two. Let's not get crazy!

Tucker, what the hell is going on here?

Oh, I-I'll tell you what's going on here.

He's a bigger liar than you are.

No, I can explain... Wait. What?

What... What did you lie about?

Everything. I'm not her husband.

She doesn't even know who the father of the baby is,

and I'm just trying to hook up with her sister.

Is that true?

Yeah, my sister's really hot.

No... look, why did you lie?

Because I'm a... pregnant, single girl

who saw her ex-boyfriend and panicked.

I mean, now that I know that you're just as

much of a loser when it comes to love...

maybe there's a reason we found each other again.

Maybe we could give it another shot.

Wow.

That is really messed up.

That guy is our "manny,"

and was hired for just this type of emergency.

Riley and I are very much in love,

and very happily married.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I need to go witness the birth of my first child.

Honestly, Adrienne, I...

I can't believe you.

I just can't... I just can't believe you.

Sound the chimes!

This Bonnie voyage is about to take off.

No need to rub it in, Mom.

I'm already super depressed I can't go with you.

Super depressed. This is all an act.

I'm actually crying on the inside.

Well, actually, Benji, I felt so terrible about what happened

that I gave both tickets to Danny and Riley.

I'm gonna spend the week here.

With you.

Uh-oh.

Oh! Oh, look at this.

Look at how happy I made your daddy!

Oh, he's crying with joy!

- No, I'm not! - Yes, you are.

It is joy.

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