Original subtitles

Danny: Oh, my God!

There he is, and he's huge.

(chuckles)

You gotta admit, that's a big burrito.

Danny, do you remember this morning

when you said I've been "edgy" for the last two months,

and if I don't calm down, I'll never make it through the next 11?

First of all, honey, your math is off.

And second, you're about to see the next level

of edgy if you don't stop messing around.

Because if we get thrown out of here and I lose my doctor,

I will rain down a level of edge on you you never even knew existed.

Doctor Hastings and I have been planning the birth of my first child

since I was a little girl, and she is the only woman

who can deliver this baby.

So if I lose my doctor, I lose my mind.

And if I lose my mind... Well, I think we both know how that goes, Danny.

Don't we? Don't we?

I think so.

- I'll go find the doctor. - Yeah, good idea.

(door opens)

I swallowed a penny when I was six and I wanted to see if it was still there.

Where's the doctor?

Honey,

Dr. Hastings has gone to a better place.

She switched hospitals? She didn't even tell me.

Well, she's dead, so she probably didn't have time to call.

(theme music playing)

It's amazing how the unexpected

Can take your life and change direction

- Sync and corrected by TheDelta - - www.addic7ed.com -

I'm just saying, if you're gonna call someone fat,

you've gotta use your inside voice.

"Oh! Oh, come to LA. It's amazing."

"Oh, oh. Oh, LA?"

More like Hell-A!

Oh, look, Uncle Tucker's getting snap, crackle, drunk for breakfast again.

Yeah, well there's no reason to be sober when you've got nowhere to go.

(scoffs)

I've got nowhere to go, man.

You'll find another job, dude.

Come on, just tell me what happened in LA.

Was it that bad?

No. No, it was amazing.

Yeah, I just missed you all so much,

I had to come back home.

Yes, it was bad!

Well, you gotta figure something out.

You're kind of pathetic.

Hold up. I'm pathetic?

How many times have you been to the dry cleaners this week,

looking for some girl you saw two months ago for, like, two seconds?

Zero.

What's that in your hand?

You owe me 26.50 for your boxers.

Light starch.

I bet you don't even know her name.

Sure, I do. It's Mrs. Ben Wheeler.

(scoffs) Cute.

And it wasn't once, it was three times.

That has got to mean something.

Not really.

No, I ran into Bald Marcia from that weird

yogurt kabob place four times yesterday,

and I don't want to have sex with her.

I bet you don't even remember what she looks like.

Course I do.

She has beautiful... red...

- Brown. - Brown hair,

with piercing green...

- Blue. - Blue-green eyes.

And is about this...

- More. - This tall.

(phone vibrates)

Oh, my God, dude. It's her.

Emma! It worked!

I posted one of those Missed Connections, and she answered!

She's been looking for me like I've been looking for her.

I think I am gonna wear my favorite black shirt.

- Blue. - Favorite blue shirt.

I mean, how can Dr. Hastings be dead?

She was such a vibrant 87.

What am I supposed to do now?

- "We," what are we supposed... - Not we.

Not we. Me. Okay?

Only one of us is growing a human being in their uterus

and having it yanked out by a stranger in six months.

Hey, why don't we just ask my mom for her doc?

I mean, she pretty much has the same lady parts.

Oh, God, I think I just ruined sex.

Danny, you cannot tell your mother that my gyno died.

All right? She's already, like, some pregnancy

advice faucet that I can't turn off.

Yesterday, she told me it's okay to drink

because I'm still not showing and no one will know.

Okay, you have to promise me that you will keep her away from me.

I promise.

But she and Brad are leaving in a couple days

for their around-the-world tour,

so you won't have to deal with it for about a year.

Oh, sweetie, are you okay? What's wrong?

A year?

(crying) I'm just so happy.

Oh.

Hey, Riles.

I just found the most amazing cream for your nipples.

My nipples are fine.

They won't be.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay, hey. Honey, here. You've got to hide this.

Why am I hiding your passport?

Because I'm not going with Brad to Peru

or Kathmandu or, or any place ending in "ooh."

What are you gonna tell him? He'll be so disappointed.

Which is exactly why you're going to tell him that I can't leave

because Riley needs me.

I'm not sure she does.

Sweetie, it's her first baby.

The first always needs extra attention.

The second baby, that's when you can start slacking.

Listen, there's gonna be some problems.

Oh, there already are.

Her lady doc just died.

That was a secret.

Why don't you just take her to my guy?

Dr. Marsh.

So hot.

There's nothing like a sexy mechanic working under the hood.

Sorry. Anyway, listen.

Remember, you and Riley can't live without me.

Mm?

Danny! Just the person I was looking for.

I need you to convince your mom to go away with me.

You need to let her know that you and Riley

will be perfectly fine here on your own.

So that's two "go" and one "stay."

Never quite sure you and I are paddling up the same river.

Yes, for the last time, I'll move on if this doesn't work out.

But it's gonna work out.

Crap, do I have time to work out?

Maybe just a couple push-ups?

Ben: Is that her? That's not her, is it?

No.

I knew that.

(phone vibrates)

"Hey, I'm here. I just walked in."

Aw, man, it's the wrong Missed Connection.

Now, what do I do?

Go connect with that girl. She's hot.

But she's not my girl.

But she could be.

Dude, she's obviously single. Right?

And as desperate as you are.

And she thinks her guy didn't come,

so her self-esteem is at an all-time low.

Man, even Emma could go in there and get her.

Tucker, Dry Cleaner Girl and I are gonna be married someday.

Which means I should probably get as much

as I can before then. Good thinking.

Aw.

It's just like how your Daddy met your Mommy.

He didn't know her name either.

Die, die, die!

Oh!

"The do's and don'ts of diaper rash."

- This is gonna be fascinating. - Mm-hmm.

Ah, pretending to care.

You're gonna be a great Dad.

I just needed a little break from Riley.

If only there was somebody around who's been through this before,

you know, some kind of mother figure who could help.

Right, a mother figure, like you. You'd be perfect, Mom.

But weren't you just saying what a wonderful idea this trip is

and how it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?

Yes. Yes, I do now recall saying something just like that.

Yeah, yeah. But weren't you also just saying

that Riley can't get along without me?

That might have come up as well.

But this trip is just so important to us.

Exactly. You should go.

Really?

You heard the man. He said we should go.

Yeah, I heard him say that we should stay.

Well, perhaps he's just confused.

How could he be confused? Are you confused, Danny?

Danny? Danny, hi.

Oh, Riley, I missed you.

Oh! Okay, guess what?

I got an appointment with that doctor you found,

the one who treats all the Rangers' wives.

Wait. You didn't take her to my guy?

Ew, no.

Oh, I can't wait to meet this completely different doctor than my mom's.

- Let's go. Come on. - Oh.

Well, that's not how I thought this day was gonna turn out.

Heh. Me neither.

But we definitely connected.

I mean, I connected first, but then you did too, right?

Sure.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

It's her!

Her? Her who?

Her. The girl, the girl I was just...

thinking is not as hot as you. Pfft.

So, uh... Who... Who... Who's that?

The one on the left is my friend, Amanda.

And the other one, I don't really know. "L" something.

Well, "L" what?

Laura, Lisa, Linda?

Man, I had a good Linda once.

I had a good Lisa twice.

Uh, uh, but the other woman, the one you're friends with,

she looks super familiar. Does she live in the neighborhood?

No.

(mouths words)

She does work around the corner, though.

(mouths word)

Right, uh, at the place

next to the other place.

The lingerie store on "A."

That's it. Heh!

I... I go there all the time.

With my mom.

We got a weird, uh...

Hey, I'll talk to you later.

Obviously I had to leave LA. Right?

You would have done the same thing if that happened to you.

Thank you, Dr. Emma.

I found her!

Yeah, I know. I was there.

No. No, no, no. Not that her. The original her.

The dry-cleaner- scooter-taxi her. This her.

I found this at Olivia's house.

The girl from the bar. Well, found, stole... semantics.

Dude, this is great. Is Olivia gonna help you find her?

Well, probably not, since we just had sex.

Hello, baby.

Oh, I just told her it's another word for cookie.

It's all right.

But all I gotta do is find this chick Amanda who will lead me to my chick.

My chick.

Oh, my God. That sounds so romantic.

This is her, right?

Yes.

Wait. What about the girl you just had cookies with?

Well, obviously I'm not gonna see her again.

Come on, man. I have a girlfriend now.

I can't cheat on... "L" something.

(ultrasound whooshing)

Riley: Oh, my God.

Is that the heartbeat?

That's the heartbeat. There's a baby in there!

He's just like my burrito.

Except we made this together.

Well, I will tell you one thing.

You won't forget this birth.

I know. First one's always the most exciting, right?

No, I mean it's probably going to split you from tip to tail.

It's gonna be huge.

So you can say goodbye to this bod.

What have you done to me?

All right, it's gonna be okay. Just keep breathing.

I'm gonna go talk to the doctor about his bedside manner.

Hey, Doc. Can I talk to you for a sec?

By the way, last time I had a pretty quick breast exam.

Tell the doctor to take his time today.

Oh. Hey, Dr. Marsh.

Great stuff in there, by the way, but I got a quick heads up for you.

How can I help?

Bonnie Wheeler is also a patient of yours,

and, well, I'm Danny Wheeler.

And my girlfriend, Riley, would "rain down a level of edge"

I didn't even know existed if she finds out

that both of them are seeing the same doctor.

"And we both know how that goes. Don't we, Danny? Don't we?"

Oh, heh. Sorry, Doc.

That's sort of my big little secret.

Yeah, I can see the problem.

Oh, thanks, Doc.

You might have just saved my life.

What up, Doc?

Bonnie. How've you been?

Tee-rrific.

Sorry I haven't been here in a while, but I got married.

I know. I know, we used to kind of have a thing.

- Did we? - We could have.

Anyway, he's much younger than me

and he gets very jealous.

Yeah, Bonnie, we need to talk.

All right. Oh.

Your husband was just here.

Mm-hmm?

And I think he got another woman pregnant.

(shrieks) What?

That's weird. That sounded just like your mom.

(laughs) Oddly enough,

that is how Bonnie and I learned that we are allergic to latex.

Yo, can we just watch TV, man?

I did it!

I am one step closer to finding Dry Cleaner Girl.

Some chick he's never met but is in love with. Yeah.

That sounds so romantic.

Her name is Amanda and she's best friends with "L" something.

Oh, so you told her you're in love with her friend?

Well, I meant to, but it would have been

super awkward after we just had sex.

You had sex with her too?

Yeah. And if I have to, I'll have sex

with another 100 girls to get to my girl.

Huh. So, not romantic at all.

Yeah, man, you might want to leave that part out when you finally meet her.

Which I will be doing tonight because Amanda just invited me to a barbecue

that "L" something will be at.

Fate apparently has my back.

(chuckles) And what's gonna happen when you see her?

Oh, good question.

(inhales sharply) I mean, a handshake seems super cold

considering we are gonna be married one day and...

probably move to Connecticut with our dog, Dude, Emma, and our three boys...

Bennie, Benjamin, and Benzo.

So I guess I'll go with a hug?

Yeah, I meant what do you think Amanda is going to do

since she invited you to be her date?

Good point, Tuck. Back to you, Ben.

Right. Oh! I know.

Why don't you come with me and hit on Amanda?

She's kind of a sure thing.

Wait, wait, wait. What about the girl who led you to Amanda?

What if she's there?

Aw, damn it. I forgot about Olivia.

Olivia! I knew an Olivia once.

Trapeze artist. She used to swing me from...

Please don't tell your mother.

Oh, this is perfect.

Why don't you come and take care of Olivia if she becomes a problem.

I love you, son.

But I don't think I should kill for you.

And... he took her to my doctor.

My doctor.

How could he get another woman pregnant?

- Well, there's gotta be another explanation. - (Indistinct)

That doesn't sound like our Brad at all. He would never lie to you.

Hm. Oh, really?

Then what's he doing in Brooklyn

when he said that he was at a golf course in Jersey?

I had him chipped like a dog the day I met him.

I didn't know you could do that.

I got a guy.

Ironically...

his name is Chip.

Okay. All right, you know what we are doing?

We are going to Brooklyn to get to the bottom of this.

All right, you and Brad need to stay together

so you can go on your super long trip

to all those wonderful places where there's no Wi-Fi, or reception,

or any other means of communicating with the outside world.

What you two have is so special.

You're an inspiration to us.

And... Mrs. Wheeler, your happiness is just...

it's everything to Danny and me.

Oh.

Too far?

I wasn't listening.

(indistinct conversations)

All right, huddle up, boys.

See, this is why we don't play sports on the weekends.

Okay.

I think we're gonna need to divide and conquer.

Because so far, there have been no "L" something sightings.

Ooh! That's Amanda.

Tucker, get to flirting.

Okay. How can I help?

I am ready to flirt. Send me in, Coach.

Start discreetly asking around about Olivia.

- (shouts) Olivia! - Discreet!

(whispers) Right. Olivia!

Where... are... you?

Hey there. (chuckles)

Man, I know this was a barbecue, but nobody

told me that there'd be honey biscuits.

I'm Tucker.

Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm Tucker.

Oh, that's how it's gonna be?

Do we know each other?

We could, but you keep playing.

Ah, here she is, my blushing bride.

I swear, I'm the luckiest man alive.

Aw! That is so sweet.

I think I just met someone really special, too.

Aw, sweetie.

I just told you I have a wife.

Look, I just started seeing someone.

It's fine.

No skin off my back. I didn't have to come over here and talk to you.

I'm only doing a friend a favor

who pretty much guaranteed me that you were a sure thing.

- Excuse me? - I've said too much.

She knows me so well.

Sometimes I think she's got a GPS planted in me.

Aha! Yeah. I caught you with your hand in the skank jar.

Bon-Bon, what are you doing here?

Busting you with your "who-er."

- Excuse me? - Oh, you heard me.

What are you, like, four? Five months pregnant?

Uh, look, I don't know who any of you people are,

but I'm not pregnant and I happen to have a new boyfriend.

I'm dating Ben Wheeler.

You're dating my son and my husband?

Even I wouldn't do that.

You had sex with my dad.

Are you ever gonna let that go?

(scoffs)

Olivia, did you just say you're dating Ben Wheeler?

Yeah. Why?

Because I just started dating Ben Wheeler.

Wow! Looks like Ben screwed everyone's lives up again.

Classic Ben. Let's go, babe.

Danny, what are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Olivia.

Amanda. I didn't realize, um...

I'm just going to, um... I'm so thirsty.

I see what's going on here.

You do?

Yeah. You're covering up for your dad.

Bonnie, I swear. I didn't' get anyone pregnant.

I did!

Oh! Ow. You!

I got you pregnant.

And Dr. Marsh is my mom's doc.

I lied to you because I knew he was a good doctor,

and I wanted you to have the best because

you're carrying our baby and I love you.

Brad,

Mom doesn't want to go away for a year.

She already missed one grandchild being born,

she doesn't want to miss another.

Is this true?

You don't want to leave?

Look, honey, I love you.

But I am not a rough-it kind of a gal.

Okay? And instead of a year...

how about we just go away for a long weekend?

Oh.

Oh, and, honey, thanks for trying to help.

I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you.

Yeah. I'm sorry too.

Come on.

- Oh! - (Indistinct chatter)

Ooh, look, everyone's happy now. Let's go.

Not so fast, Wheeler.

Isn't there something you wanna say?

All right, I'll try the truth.

Uh, look... I ran into this girl a few months ago.

"L" something.

Her name is Elle, you idiot.

E-L-L-E.

No way! Elle.

That's perfect.

Okay, fine. I'm a dog.

I slept with you, and you,

and I think her a long time ago.

But we had some fun, right?

And it wasn't all my fault.

I mean, you were a little desperate and you are very flirty.

And the bottom line is,

I did who I had to do to get to Elle.

And I'll do it again.

Let's hug it out?

Elle doesn't live here anymore.

She moved away last month.

Right.

I don't suppose you'd give me her number?

- Or her address? No? Okay. - Absolutely not.

You know what? I'm gonna find her.

I have to.

'Cause we're meant to be.

I'm out.

That's the alley, that's the alley.

Aw, come on.

Oh, hey, guys.

Oh, Elle, when did you get here?

Oh, just a few minutes ago.

Why? Did I miss anything?

Let's just say you dodged a bullet.

We don't actually know anyone here, do we?

- No. - You grab the booze, you grab the snacks.

Go, go. Go, go, go.

Come on, just give me a hint about LA.

Was it embarrassing?

Can I find it on the Internet?

Do you need help burying a body? Like...

I will never tell you.

He told you, didn't he?

Yes.

How bad is it?

Bad.

Are you gonna tell me?

No.

Are you gonna save it to blackmail Tucker later?

Yes.

I've never been so proud.

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