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1
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:10,898
♪ You must remember this
2
00:00:10,940 --> 00:00:13,408
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:13,460 --> 00:00:16,372
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:22,769
♪ The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:22,820 --> 00:00:26,859
♪ As time goes by ♪
6
00:00:29,260 --> 00:00:31,251
No, thank you. No, thank you.
7
00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:34,296
(Sighing) No, thank you!
8
00:00:35,780 --> 00:00:36,849
God!
9
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:39,368
No, thank you.
10
00:00:39,420 --> 00:00:41,297
No, thank you. Goodbye.
11
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:44,013
- Friend of yours?
- British Telecom.
12
00:00:44,060 --> 00:00:48,053
One of those "Are you satisfied
with our services?" calls.
13
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:52,616
I said yes and hoped that would be it, but
I get ten minutes of being offered extras.
14
00:00:52,660 --> 00:00:54,491
You weren't even listening.
15
00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:56,656
Well, it's all getting too complicated.
16
00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:59,498
Do you realise you can get a special rate
17
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:02,737
if you make calls
between three and five in the morning
18
00:01:02,780 --> 00:01:06,568
providing you're standing on one leg
and wearing a ginger wig?
19
00:01:06,620 --> 00:01:09,692
- You turned that down?
- Well, you know what I mean.
20
00:01:09,740 --> 00:01:11,731
Yes, I know what you mean.
21
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:15,854
- Who's that for?
- Me.
22
00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:17,652
You mean you bought it?
23
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:22,251
No, I stole it from a baby's pram.
What do you think? Of course I bought it.
24
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:24,291
- Why?
- Because I did.
25
00:01:24,860 --> 00:01:27,249
Oh. Aren't you a bit...
26
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:28,972
No.
27
00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:31,011
Anyway, he's sweet.
28
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:33,692
Look, he's waving at you.
29
00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:36,573
No, he's not. You're moving his arm.
30
00:01:37,420 --> 00:01:39,172
Ignore him, Herbert.
31
00:01:39,220 --> 00:01:42,257
- Why is he called Herbert?
- That's his name.
32
00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:45,859
- I went into the office today.
- Oh, yes?
33
00:01:46,620 --> 00:01:48,736
- Aha!
- What?
34
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:50,930
All fits in, doesn't it?
35
00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:54,939
You pop into the office, see how Judy
and Sandy are running it without you,
36
00:01:54,980 --> 00:01:58,609
feel out of touch
and buy Herbert to console yourself.
37
00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:03,575
They run it like a well-oiled machine.
I don't understand how they're doing it.
38
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:07,659
It's new-age technology.
We're being left behind.
39
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:11,454
Two things. One: we're not new age.
40
00:02:11,500 --> 00:02:15,539
And two: you can only feel left behind
if you were trying to catch up.
41
00:02:15,580 --> 00:02:17,969
Shouldn't we be trying to catch up?
42
00:02:18,020 --> 00:02:20,898
We bumble along quite well
in our own medieval way.
43
00:02:20,940 --> 00:02:22,578
Bumble's the word.
44
00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:25,976
- Could somebody do this up for me?
- Oh, yes, sure.
45
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,294
Thanks.
46
00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:35,093
- Oh, look!
- Yes, that's Herbert.
47
00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:38,257
Herbert? Isn't he sweet?
48
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:40,860
He waves to people, as well.
49
00:02:40,900 --> 00:02:43,175
Of course he does.
50
00:02:43,220 --> 00:02:44,778
(Squeakily) Hello, Lionel.
51
00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:49,332
Where are you going?
52
00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:52,929
Alistair's got tickets to a film premiere
that nobody can get hold of.
53
00:02:52,980 --> 00:02:54,652
- That's Alistair.
- That's Alistair.
54
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:56,656
- (Doorbell)
- That's Alistair.
55
00:02:56,700 --> 00:02:58,691
I'll go.
56
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:03,370
Erm... You are all right with this,
aren't you?
57
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,897
If Judy is, why shouldn't I be?
58
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,376
That's what I keep telling myself.
What about Lionel?
59
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:12,253
Oh, he's too confused
to have an opinion.
60
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,736
- You see, it's not as though...
- Hi, guys.
61
00:03:15,780 --> 00:03:19,056
- (Deep voice) Hi, Alistair.
- (Baritone) Hello, Alistair.
62
00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:21,091
Guys, girls, teds, what's the difference?
63
00:03:21,140 --> 00:03:25,179
If you don't know,
it's time you had a talk with somebody.
64
00:03:25,220 --> 00:03:26,938
Nice one, Li.
65
00:03:26,980 --> 00:03:31,451
Hey... And look at you!
Is that dress split to the thigh or what?
66
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,253
- It's not split at all.
- A guy can dream.
67
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:37,735
Well, are we ready to outshine the stars?
68
00:03:37,780 --> 00:03:39,771
I don't see how we can fail.
69
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,776
- See you later.
- Bye.
70
00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,811
Ciao, people.
71
00:03:43,860 --> 00:03:47,375
Sandy? It's not as though what?
72
00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:50,059
It's not as though anything's going on.
73
00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:52,660
It's like going out with your brother.
74
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,691
It's Judy he wants, not me.
75
00:03:57,580 --> 00:04:00,378
- Told you so.
- No, you didn't.
76
00:04:00,420 --> 00:04:03,093
Well, I meant to.
77
00:04:03,140 --> 00:04:06,735
- All I said was "Well."
- Oh, Mum, please leave it alone.
78
00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,852
- But Sandy said yes...
- You told me what Sandy said.
79
00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:13,017
- Well?
- You're doing it again. Just leave it!
80
00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:15,051
- Lionel?
- Absolutely.
81
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:16,931
- Absolutely what?
- Just absolutely.
82
00:04:16,980 --> 00:04:20,290
- That's mean.
- I know it is.
83
00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:23,412
This saga seems to have been running
longer than The Archers.
84
00:04:23,460 --> 00:04:27,294
I find it totally confusing and I don't see
anybody unconfusing me.
85
00:04:27,340 --> 00:04:30,969
It is perfectly clear.
It is Judy that Alistair wants.
86
00:04:31,020 --> 00:04:33,329
Alistair doesn't know what he wants.
87
00:04:33,380 --> 00:04:35,848
He's whizzing around
like some demented comet.
88
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:40,735
Till he comes down to earth I don't want
to know. Talk about something else.
89
00:04:42,260 --> 00:04:45,058
I never had a teddy bear
when I was a child.
90
00:04:46,740 --> 00:04:49,652
Aw, didn't you?
91
00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,975
- No.
- (Door closing)
92
00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:56,536
- Who can that be?
- Perhaps it's a friend of Herbert's.
93
00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:02,089
How was the film?
Oh, that's a silly question, isn't it?
94
00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:03,619
We never got there.
95
00:05:03,660 --> 00:05:07,369
We got as far as the pre-premiere drinks,
then Alistair's pager went off.
96
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:10,810
- That sounds familiar.
- Then he made a call on his mobile,
97
00:05:10,860 --> 00:05:14,773
said how sorry he was, put me in a taxi
and disappeared.
98
00:05:14,820 --> 00:05:18,495
- That sounds familiar, too.
- You've a lot to answer for.
99
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:21,931
I don't even have a pager.
100
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:24,494
Your sex.
101
00:05:29,900 --> 00:05:31,731
(Doorbell)
102
00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,771
(Jean) Lionel!
103
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,339
Would you get that? Lionel!
104
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:42,374
(Doorbell)
105
00:05:42,420 --> 00:05:44,411
Coming, coming!
106
00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:49,218
- Oh.
- Paul Partridge. British Telecom.
107
00:05:49,260 --> 00:05:50,534
Come in.
108
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:53,333
Take a look at the card.
Forgeries have been known.
109
00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:58,734
- Oh, yes, that's you, all right. Come in.
- Much obliged.
110
00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:02,815
You didn't say, "Aha!"
111
00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:04,851
Oh. Was I supposed to?
112
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:08,336
Well, no, but a lot of people do.
The name, you see, Partridge.
113
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:10,974
- The character off the television?
- Oh, yes.
114
00:06:11,020 --> 00:06:14,217
As soon as people hear the name
they go "Aha!" and laugh.
115
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:16,012
It gets very wearing.
116
00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:19,211
I suppose it must do.
He's very funny though, isn't he?
117
00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:22,297
- Not to me, no. Couldn't be, really.
- No.
118
00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:24,774
- You've come about the extra line?
- Absolutely.
119
00:06:24,820 --> 00:06:27,778
It'll be in there, Mr Partridge,
next to the computer.
120
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:30,015
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Right you are.
121
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,409
Paul Partridge, British Telecom.
122
00:06:35,140 --> 00:06:38,530
My God, you're really keen,
you people, aren't you?
123
00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:40,650
Well, we certainly do our best.
124
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:44,056
- Yes, but why?
- Because you asked us to.
125
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:48,139
I did nothing of the sort.
I said no thank you to everything.
126
00:06:48,180 --> 00:06:50,296
The name is Hardcastle, isn't it?
127
00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:53,059
- Yes.
- Well, I've got you on my sheet.
128
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,250
I don't care where you've got me.
129
00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,370
I said no on the phone and that's it.
130
00:06:57,420 --> 00:07:00,412
I don't approve of this kind
of pressure salesmanship.
131
00:07:00,460 --> 00:07:04,772
I'm not pressuring anybody. I could only
fit you in because Willesden fell through.
132
00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:07,971
I don't care.
I'm not answering any more questions.
133
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:11,217
I don't want you to.
I've just come to fit the extra phone line.
134
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,097
- We're at cross purposes, aren't we?
- I do hope so.
135
00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:19,131
- Here I am.
- Oh, I am glad.
136
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:22,650
Mr... Partridge
is talking about an extra phone line.
137
00:07:22,700 --> 00:07:26,534
- Yes, that's right. I ordered one.
- Oh.
138
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:29,777
- See, you were on me sheet.
- What have you been saying?
139
00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:34,132
Never mind. Why do we need
two telephones in the same room?
140
00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:36,489
We need a line
cos we're going on the internet.
141
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:39,100
Aha!
142
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:41,973
Picked up on the name, then.
143
00:07:43,340 --> 00:07:44,329
Pardon?
144
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,453
What do you mean, "aha"?
145
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:51,173
This is back to feeling
technologically illiterate.
146
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:55,054
- What if it is?
- Isn't this a rather extreme reaction?
147
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:57,819
Nothing extreme about it.
Everybody's on the net.
148
00:07:57,860 --> 00:07:59,134
- I am.
- Yes, you see.
149
00:07:59,180 --> 00:08:02,013
- What are you going to use it for?
- All sorts of things.
150
00:08:02,060 --> 00:08:05,814
- You don't even know.
- I'll find out. We can email people.
151
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:08,169
Well, who do we want to email?
152
00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:11,331
- Excuse me.
- Yes? Sorry.
153
00:08:11,380 --> 00:08:14,019
Would you prefer
to remake the appointment?
154
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,689
No, no, not at all. You go ahead.
We're just chatting.
155
00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:20,049
- Are you sure?
- Yes, positive.
156
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:22,694
Right. Aha!
157
00:08:22,740 --> 00:08:27,177
Well, we'll just see where this little jigger
goes to first, then, eh?
158
00:08:27,220 --> 00:08:30,530
I still think
this is a very extreme reaction.
159
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:32,969
- A dinosaur would.
- (Partridge whooping)
160
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:35,409
- Now, that is amazing.
- What is?
161
00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:38,213
Well, you've still got the old ZR3-59B.
162
00:08:38,260 --> 00:08:42,890
- Have we?
- I suppose you understand that?
163
00:08:47,020 --> 00:08:50,057
- Thank you very much.
- Sorry about the misunderstanding.
164
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:54,855
Oh, not at all. Good luck. You'll be up
and running once you get your new PC.
165
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:58,097
- New PC?
- Oh, I thought you knew.
166
00:08:58,140 --> 00:09:03,089
Well, that model you've got in there,
you won't get on the net with that.
167
00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:06,255
- Oh.
- Not to panic, though. Not to panic.
168
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:09,975
You can probably get by
by just hooking up to a modem. Bye-bye.
169
00:09:10,020 --> 00:09:12,011
- Bye.
- Bye.
170
00:09:14,340 --> 00:09:16,854
You don't know what a modem is,
do you?
171
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:20,615
Something we need.
172
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:23,174
I suppose the next thing
is to find a modem shop.
173
00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,211
Shut up.
174
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,691
Are you going to the football?
175
00:09:30,740 --> 00:09:34,050
No, Harry and I
have blown the whistle on the football.
176
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,568
- Both of you?
- No, just me.
177
00:09:36,620 --> 00:09:41,455
David Ginola apart, there's nothing
about football that appeals to me at all.
178
00:09:42,140 --> 00:09:46,053
Talking of whistle blowing,
I've shown Alistair the red card, too.
179
00:09:46,100 --> 00:09:49,217
- Not that there was ever a game.
- Have you told him?
180
00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:53,651
I haven't heard from him to tell him.
Have you heard from him?
181
00:09:53,700 --> 00:09:56,260
- No, should I have?
- Mm.
182
00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,858
Don't start that again.
183
00:09:57,900 --> 00:09:59,731
(Doorbell)
184
00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:02,169
- Oh, do you mind getting that?
- OK.
185
00:10:04,700 --> 00:10:06,691
(Phone)
186
00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:13,215
Hello? Hello.
187
00:10:14,660 --> 00:10:16,651
Hello?
188
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:28,933
- Who was that?
- They hung up.
189
00:10:28,980 --> 00:10:34,134
That's funny. I had one of those earlier
on this morning. Did you try 1471?
190
00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:37,217
- Yeah, number withheld.
- Let's have some coffee.
191
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:40,809
- (Jean) I saw the van. Has it come?
- Yes, I think so.
192
00:10:40,860 --> 00:10:43,010
It's Mum's modem.
193
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:46,813
Ah! That's my modem.
194
00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:50,411
I can hardly contain myself.
195
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:55,249
- Go and sit in the garden.
- It's too cold.
196
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,291
Yes, I know.
197
00:10:58,260 --> 00:11:02,492
Almost there, almost there! We're here,
we're here! Come on, you two.
198
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:06,089
- We were about to have some coffee.
- No, come on. Not you.
199
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:18,570
- Here it is. There you are.
- What are you giving it to me for?
200
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:22,579
- It's got to be fixed up in the machine.
- Well, I don't know how to fix it up.
201
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,656
Oh, Judy!
202
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:28,215
- You do it, Sandy.
- Well, I don't know, either.
203
00:11:28,260 --> 00:11:30,376
What about all that stuff at the office?
204
00:11:30,420 --> 00:11:33,537
We know how to use it
but we don't know how to install it.
205
00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,571
Well, that's a fat lot of good.
206
00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:38,531
Didn't a man come with that?
207
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,291
- Can't see one.
- Sandy!
208
00:11:42,340 --> 00:11:44,171
He only delivered it.
209
00:11:44,220 --> 00:11:48,850
- There are some instructions.
- Right, then, we'll do it ourselves.
210
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,499
(Derisive laugh)
211
00:11:53,020 --> 00:11:55,011
Clear off.
212
00:11:56,860 --> 00:11:58,657
(Phone)
213
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,811
Telephone!
214
00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:05,296
(Jean) Break the habit of a lifetime
and answer it.
215
00:12:09,820 --> 00:12:11,651
Hello.
216
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,691
Oh, hello, Alistair.
217
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,451
Call you Rex?
218
00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:20,769
Yes, I am alone, as a matter of fact.
219
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:24,373
I don't have to call you Rex any more?
Oh, good.
220
00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:26,934
What is this?
221
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,858
Oh, blast. The lights have all gone out.
222
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:32,892
No, we've got a lot
of technical people here.
223
00:12:35,060 --> 00:12:37,051
Go on, anyway.
224
00:12:41,340 --> 00:12:46,414
- And all without the aid of the internet.
- All you had to do was press a button.
225
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,895
Takes a human being to do it, though,
doesn't it?
226
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:54,012
I'm just popping out
for a swift half with Rex.
227
00:12:54,060 --> 00:12:56,449
- Who's Rex?
- Oh, somebody I know.
228
00:12:58,340 --> 00:13:00,774
- You've heard me talk of Rex.
- No, I haven't.
229
00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:03,698
Oh. Well, erm... that was Rex.
230
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:06,049
On the... So, I'll see you later.
231
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:09,536
You wouldn't just like to look
at my booklet first, would you?
232
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,650
It's very tempting, but no, thanks.
233
00:13:16,780 --> 00:13:19,169
- Hi, Li.
- Hello, Alistair.
234
00:13:19,220 --> 00:13:21,211
What's all this Rex nonsense?
235
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,728
- I got you half a bitter.
- Thank you.
236
00:13:23,780 --> 00:13:27,898
- At the risk of repeating myself...
- I called before, but hung up.
237
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,693
Li, I... I can't talk to women.
238
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:33,300
Is this some sort of medical condition?
239
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,136
Please don't joke, Li.
240
00:13:36,180 --> 00:13:40,253
I can't talk to your women. Not after
the way I treated Sandy the other night.
241
00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:42,256
I don't think she was over-impressed.
242
00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:46,293
- I don't suppose Judy and Jean were.
- Not entirely, no.
243
00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:49,654
But you're OK? With me, I mean.
244
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:54,171
In so far as you've never stood me up,
yes. Now, what's all this about?
245
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:58,138
Li, I'm in free fall.
246
00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:00,578
Could you try that in English?
247
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:04,857
- Zilched.
- Even Old English?
248
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,734
OK, how about erm... broke?
249
00:14:08,780 --> 00:14:10,293
Broke? You?
250
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:15,334
That's what I keep thinking.
I mean, I am Alistair Deacon.
251
00:14:16,180 --> 00:14:20,014
These sort of things
don't happen to Alistair Deacon.
252
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,812
- But they have.
- How?
253
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,657
The domino effect.
254
00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:27,579
Singapore gets the jitters, Kuala Lumpur
catches cold, Rotterdam gets a sniff,
255
00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:30,532
and Frankfurt,
well, we all know Frankfurt!
256
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:32,889
- Actually, I don't.
- Before you know it,
257
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,818
Canada's driving the final nail
into the coffin.
258
00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:40,058
When you say broke,
is that a comparative term?
259
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:45,094
No. I mean stony.
Li, you are looking at yesterday's man.
260
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,489
Come on.
261
00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:50,452
- Where?
- Home. You need to be with friends.
262
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:54,129
- They all hate me.
- Don't make difficulties. Come on.
263
00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:56,171
Come on!
264
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:03,778
"A modem operating at 2,400 bps,
265
00:15:04,420 --> 00:15:07,218
"2.4 Kbps,
266
00:15:07,260 --> 00:15:11,139
"will transfer
roughly 240 characters a second."
267
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:15,891
A K's a thousand, isn't it?
268
00:15:16,660 --> 00:15:19,891
Now, what's bps?
Something per second.
269
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,331
Beeps?
270
00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:27,453
That's not very likely, is it?
What else, do you think?
271
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,491
- Beginning with B.
- Pardon?
272
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:34,773
Nothing. N... Oh! The wandering minstrel!
273
00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:40,091
- I know I owe you an apology.
- No, you owe Sandy an apology.
274
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,619
- Sandy!
- Sit down.
275
00:15:41,660 --> 00:15:43,855
- Alistair's got something to say.
- I bet.
276
00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,492
To everybody.
277
00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:48,896
- Judy!
- What's everybody shouting for?
278
00:15:48,940 --> 00:15:50,976
- Oh.
- Hi, Sandy.
279
00:15:51,020 --> 00:15:54,376
I'm glad I missed that film.
Got rotten reviews.
280
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:57,252
Leave Alistair alone for a moment.
281
00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:01,088
I'll do better than that.
I'll leave him alone permanently.
282
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:03,495
What's all the shouting about?
283
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:04,939
- Oh.
- Hi, Judy.
284
00:16:04,980 --> 00:16:06,891
Alistair has something to say to us.
285
00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:10,455
- I don't think I'm interested.
- Will you all be quiet?
286
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:14,971
Now, let's all just sit down
and actually listen for a minute.
287
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:17,731
Alistair.
288
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:20,373
I don't know where to start.
289
00:16:20,420 --> 00:16:22,570
The Odeon, Leicester Square.
290
00:16:22,620 --> 00:16:24,292
- Sandy.
- No, Sandy's right.
291
00:16:24,340 --> 00:16:26,331
That is where it all started.
292
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,009
Remember that call I made
on my mobile?
293
00:16:30,060 --> 00:16:34,258
- How could I forget?
- It was to a Japanese guy in Australia.
294
00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:38,058
He'd been emailed
by some guys in Tokyo...
295
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,969
...so I've been trying to plug holes.
296
00:16:41,020 --> 00:16:43,375
There are too many holes
and not enough plugs.
297
00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,411
A boardroom coup, a hostile takeover.
298
00:16:45,460 --> 00:16:49,578
Singapore gets the jitters,
Kuala Lumpur catches cold.
299
00:16:49,620 --> 00:16:52,088
Not the best days
in Alistair Deacon's life.
300
00:16:54,020 --> 00:16:55,772
- Anyway...
- Where are you going?
301
00:16:55,820 --> 00:16:59,176
- Well, home, I suppose.
- Oh, don't be silly.
302
00:16:59,220 --> 00:17:01,859
You're going to stay here tonight.
303
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:04,539
As I said, it got rotten reviews anyway.
304
00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:10,531
Poor old Alistair.
305
00:17:12,020 --> 00:17:14,011
I did my hug in the pub.
306
00:17:18,660 --> 00:17:21,299
- Well, I'm going to start supper.
- Already?
307
00:17:21,340 --> 00:17:24,138
Yes, it's one of our complicated recipes.
308
00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:27,453
- Sandy.
- Yes, yes.
309
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:30,776
I always help with complicated recipes,
don't I?
310
00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:39,576
- That was as subtle as a steamroller.
- I just think they ought to be left alone.
311
00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:42,009
You can't start matchmaking
at a time like this.
312
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:46,053
I'm not, but when Alistair was telling
his sad story, and it was sad,
313
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,375
it was Judy he was telling it to.
314
00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:51,251
- Didn't you notice?
- No.
315
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:53,814
- Honestly!
- Honestly!
316
00:17:53,860 --> 00:17:55,851
Well, I'm not psychic, am I?
317
00:17:58,460 --> 00:18:01,258
I'll say one thing for my mum,
she can be very subtle.
318
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:03,291
Yes.
319
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,933
So, what next?
320
00:18:08,060 --> 00:18:11,132
I've been trying to get my head
around that but it won't work.
321
00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:15,298
The business has gone.
The flat will probably have to go.
322
00:18:15,340 --> 00:18:18,252
A lot of things will have to go.
323
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,098
All that will be left is... is me.
324
00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:24,571
Well, is that such a bad thing?
325
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:27,851
- I won't be viable.
- As what?
326
00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:30,460
As me.
327
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:35,097
You're one of the most self-centred men
I've ever met.
328
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:37,096
- Steady on.
- Well, it's true.
329
00:18:37,140 --> 00:18:40,371
The whole world
revolves around Alistair Deacon.
330
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:45,016
The world does exactly as Alistair
Deacon tells it to. It's all flash and glam.
331
00:18:45,060 --> 00:18:48,939
Well, that's what I have to offer, isn't it?
Had to offer.
332
00:18:48,980 --> 00:18:52,256
That's why Sandy went out with me.
We both knew that.
333
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:56,054
A bit of flash and glam
after her rugby-playing copper.
334
00:18:57,100 --> 00:19:01,252
That night she stayed over, you know.
I... I didn't make a move.
335
00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,491
Yeah, I know. Sandy told me.
336
00:19:04,540 --> 00:19:07,418
Yeah, well,
that wasn't very flash and glam, was it?
337
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:10,614
No. It was ground breaking.
338
00:19:12,340 --> 00:19:14,979
I tried to explain it to myself.
339
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,011
Justify it, really.
340
00:19:17,060 --> 00:19:19,176
"Respect?" I thought. No.
341
00:19:19,220 --> 00:19:22,530
"Doing the decent thing?" I thought. No.
342
00:19:23,380 --> 00:19:25,769
"She's had a bit too much to drink,"
I thought.
343
00:19:25,820 --> 00:19:27,811
No, that's never worked.
344
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:31,811
Because I was thinking of you?
345
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:38,572
- Does that work?
- It's all irrelevant now, anyway.
346
00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:42,533
The person you're suddenly
sitting next to is... just me.
347
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:48,056
- It's not funny.
- No. I'm sorry.
348
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:51,775
It's just, this "just me"
that you're left with...
349
00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:54,653
- I don't want to talk about him.
- Is he such a bad bloke?
350
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:56,691
I don't think he is.
351
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:00,770
In fact, I think he's a really nice bloke.
352
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,492
Huh!
353
00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:05,532
Since when was "nice" enough?
354
00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:13,174
Why have we started
taking the local paper?
355
00:20:13,220 --> 00:20:17,532
- To keep up with local affairs.
- Oh, we're back to keeping up, are we?
356
00:20:17,580 --> 00:20:20,253
- Finished your early morning grumble?
- I think so.
357
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,939
- Good morning.
- Morning.
358
00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:26,097
- Morning.
- Does Alistair take tea or coffee?
359
00:20:26,140 --> 00:20:28,495
Coffee. Sometimes buck's fizz.
360
00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:31,971
Coffee, then.
361
00:20:32,020 --> 00:20:34,375
- Morning.
- Morning.
362
00:20:34,420 --> 00:20:36,934
- Where's Alistair?
- He's in bed, isn't he?
363
00:20:36,980 --> 00:20:41,690
No. I just crept in there to get
some clean clothes but he's not there.
364
00:20:42,660 --> 00:20:45,220
- Oh, my God. What's he done?
- Don't panic.
365
00:20:45,260 --> 00:20:48,093
There's a perfectly rational explanation
for this.
366
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,654
- Isn't there, Lionel?
- Is there?
367
00:20:51,940 --> 00:20:54,773
- Alistair?
- Who switched that on?
368
00:20:56,340 --> 00:20:58,570
Alistair did. Look, he's left a message.
369
00:20:58,620 --> 00:21:01,657
"You're on the net. So was I.
Love Alistair."
370
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:04,612
- What does that mean?
- He's fitted the modem!
371
00:21:04,660 --> 00:21:06,332
No, this message.
372
00:21:06,380 --> 00:21:09,338
There's no other way of reading that
but optimistically.
373
00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:12,258
- Yeah, you're right.
- And we're on the internet.
374
00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,292
Should we email that chap
and tell him not to come?
375
00:21:15,340 --> 00:21:17,137
- Do you know his email address?
- No.
376
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:18,898
- Then you should phone him.
- Oh.
377
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:21,898
- How do we get to the internet bit?
- Hang on.
378
00:21:22,780 --> 00:21:24,099
There!
379
00:21:24,140 --> 00:21:26,290
Look at that!
380
00:21:27,220 --> 00:21:30,496
I thought we might have sausages
for breakfast.
381
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:38,452
- I said I thought we might have saus...
- All right, all right.
382
00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:42,938
We are not going to be friends, you and I.
383
00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:49,214
- Nothing in this local rag at all.
- Then why are you reading it?
384
00:21:49,260 --> 00:21:54,380
- I'm looking at the Lonely Hearts.
- Very well, I'll ask. Why?
385
00:21:54,420 --> 00:21:58,538
When you finally marry that computer,
I shall need some companionship.
386
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:03,612
I just find it interesting, that's all.
Being on the internet makes me feel...
387
00:22:03,660 --> 00:22:05,651
- Young?
- No, modern.
388
00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:10,495
- I haven't finished that yet!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
389
00:22:11,700 --> 00:22:16,137
You were on all morning, you had lunch
in minutes, and you're tearing back to it.
390
00:22:16,180 --> 00:22:18,614
I'm not tearing anywhere.
391
00:22:18,660 --> 00:22:21,936
Look, I'll sit and chat,
if that's what you want.
392
00:22:25,380 --> 00:22:27,894
Or I can sit here
and watch you read the paper.
393
00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:30,056
- There's something in it.
- What?
394
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:34,378
"Beautiful blonde seeks relationship
with ageing internet hater"?
395
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:37,575
- Harry. Sandy's Harry.
- Ex.
396
00:22:37,620 --> 00:22:42,330
Ex, then. "Local police constable
breaks leg in rugby match."
397
00:22:42,380 --> 00:22:44,974
Oh, poor Harry!
398
00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,055
Oh, keep that to show Sandy.
399
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:50,819
- You just said, "ex."
- Well, you never know.
400
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,811
(Phone)
401
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,655
Hello? Hello?
402
00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:07,739
Hello, Alistair.
Where did you get to this morning?
403
00:23:07,780 --> 00:23:10,977
- Zurich? Alistair's in Zurich.
- What's he doing in Zurich?
404
00:23:11,020 --> 00:23:13,409
Lionel says
what are you doing in Zurich?
405
00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:15,451
Flying home. Oh, right.
406
00:23:16,180 --> 00:23:18,740
Tell Judy what?
407
00:23:18,780 --> 00:23:22,773
Yes, all right, yes.
We'll see you this evening. Bye.
408
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:24,970
Tell Judy what?
409
00:23:25,020 --> 00:23:27,090
Tell Judy they forgot Copenhagen.
410
00:23:28,220 --> 00:23:31,496
- Who forgot Copenhagen?
- It's obvious.
411
00:23:34,100 --> 00:23:36,250
I've no idea.
412
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,018
Well, it must mean something.
413
00:23:38,060 --> 00:23:41,211
It means "Wait". Look, it says "Wait".
414
00:23:41,260 --> 00:23:44,855
No, no, I mean Alistair's message.
Who forgot Copenhagen?
415
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:47,778
- Well, it can't be the Danes.
- (Phone)
416
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:51,051
If one of you technophiles
could tear yourselves away...
417
00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:56,248
Hello?
418
00:23:56,300 --> 00:23:59,451
Oh, hello, Harry. Yes, I'm fine, thanks.
419
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:03,936
Supper tonight? Look, I don't think so.
420
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:07,460
Look, we've been through all this before.
421
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:09,491
As long as you insist...
422
00:24:10,380 --> 00:24:11,972
What?
423
00:24:12,020 --> 00:24:14,739
For the whole season?
424
00:24:14,780 --> 00:24:17,248
Look, you'd better mean this, Harry.
425
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:19,653
Yes, all right.
426
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:22,772
No, I'll meet you there. Bye.
427
00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:31,297
Erm... Harry says that he's going
to give up rugby for the whole season.
428
00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:39,615
Well, it must mean something,
mustn't it? See you later.
429
00:24:39,660 --> 00:24:42,220
- (Doorbell)
- I'll get that.
430
00:24:43,020 --> 00:24:45,853
- You didn't tell her about the leg.
- Neither did you.
431
00:24:45,900 --> 00:24:47,811
- What leg?
- Harry's.
432
00:24:47,860 --> 00:24:49,851
- He broke it, playing rugby.
- Oh!
433
00:24:49,900 --> 00:24:54,052
No, no, no, Judy, don't. Just give them
a chance. They might get it together.
434
00:24:54,100 --> 00:24:57,137
- Yeah, or Sandy will kill him.
- Or Sandy will kill him.
435
00:24:58,060 --> 00:24:59,288
- Hi.
- Hello, Alistair.
436
00:24:59,340 --> 00:25:00,853
Sandy let me in.
437
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:02,891
It was quite sunny in Zurich.
438
00:25:02,940 --> 00:25:05,738
You didn't go
just to see what the weather was like.
439
00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:09,136
No, no. I went to Zurich
because they forgot Copenhagen.
440
00:25:09,180 --> 00:25:11,410
Oh, who forgot Copenhagen?
441
00:25:11,460 --> 00:25:12,939
The bad guys.
442
00:25:12,980 --> 00:25:17,610
They managed to zap Sven in Sweden
but they forgot Carl in Copenhagen.
443
00:25:17,660 --> 00:25:22,734
I emailed Carl. Carl emailed Zurich and
there's a chink of light. It's very simple.
444
00:25:25,620 --> 00:25:27,417
Let me go over it from Singapore.
445
00:25:27,460 --> 00:25:30,930
No, don't go over it again.
Just tell us what the end result is.
446
00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:33,574
I'm down but not out.
447
00:25:33,620 --> 00:25:36,692
I've come out with enough
to keep my head above water.
448
00:25:36,740 --> 00:25:40,016
- Oh, that is good news.
- It's great news.
449
00:25:40,060 --> 00:25:42,016
- We're pleased for you.
- Thanks.
450
00:25:42,740 --> 00:25:46,858
So, Judy, what say we pop
a few champagne corks to celebrate?
451
00:25:46,900 --> 00:25:51,735
If your head is just above water, perhaps
we should settle for a bottle of red.
452
00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:53,771
Whatever you say.
453
00:25:54,220 --> 00:25:57,530
What about the older folks who
I've come to think of as Mom and Pop?
454
00:26:00,980 --> 00:26:03,778
Oh, us? No, thank you, Alistair.
455
00:26:03,820 --> 00:26:07,574
No, we take all our evening pills
round about this time.
456
00:26:08,420 --> 00:26:10,411
OK.
457
00:26:10,460 --> 00:26:14,976
Hey, I couldn't actually call you
Mom and Pop, could I?
458
00:26:15,020 --> 00:26:17,056
(Both) No.
459
00:26:18,300 --> 00:26:20,291
We'll work on that one.
460
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:23,218
Right, see you later, then.
Oh, just a minute.
461
00:26:23,260 --> 00:26:25,728
I hope you keep liking
this just-me guy, Judy.
462
00:26:25,780 --> 00:26:29,819
- I'm going to be struggling for a while.
- I don't mind.
463
00:26:29,860 --> 00:26:34,980
I don't think I've managed to salvage
more than about one and a half million.
464
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:40,338
Well, you wouldn't want me
actually to be poor, would you?
465
00:26:40,380 --> 00:26:43,099
Nobody could be that self-sacrificing.
466
00:26:44,340 --> 00:26:46,331
No, I suppose not.
467
00:26:48,820 --> 00:26:51,209
- One and a half million?
- That's what he said.
468
00:26:51,260 --> 00:26:54,616
- Yes, but one and a half million!
- Don't go on about the money.
469
00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:56,537
I think love is in the air.
470
00:26:56,580 --> 00:27:00,095
- You're a hopeless romantic.
- Yes, I suppose I am.
471
00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:04,491
Oh, not that thing again!
472
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:08,292
- Only ten minutes.
- (Heavy sigh)
473
00:27:08,340 --> 00:27:10,729
(Jean) I didn't touch it. I didn't touch it!
474
00:27:11,820 --> 00:27:15,256
(Lionel) You couldn't have reached
with your little arms. It's a power cut.
475
00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:18,019
(Jean) There's a candle here somewhere.
476
00:27:18,660 --> 00:27:21,220
Oh. Yes, look.
477
00:27:22,220 --> 00:27:24,859
There, that's better.
478
00:27:24,900 --> 00:27:28,370
- I'll get some more.
- No, one's enough.
479
00:27:28,420 --> 00:27:31,457
You're the romantic. Come and sit down.
480
00:27:33,140 --> 00:27:37,736
Ah! Are you sure you didn't fix it
for the lights to go off?
481
00:27:37,780 --> 00:27:40,374
No. Even with my immensely long arms,
482
00:27:40,420 --> 00:27:43,093
I couldn't reach
the cupboard under the stairs.
483
00:27:43,140 --> 00:27:45,449
No, I suppose not.
484
00:27:45,500 --> 00:27:48,253
- It is romantic, though, isn't it?
- Yes, it is.
485
00:27:48,300 --> 00:27:51,451
- (Chortling)
- Why are you smiling?
486
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:54,139
I was just thinking
of the things you could still do
487
00:27:54,180 --> 00:27:57,536
that require no
technological expertise at all.
488
00:27:58,340 --> 00:28:00,649
Oh, Lionel, you are a rascal.
489
00:28:02,220 --> 00:28:04,211
Well, I have my moments.
490
00:28:12,580 --> 00:28:15,413
♪ You must remember this
491
00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:17,928
♪ A kiss is still a kiss
492
00:28:17,980 --> 00:28:21,017
♪ A sigh is just a sigh
493
00:28:23,420 --> 00:28:27,129
♪ The fundamental things apply
494
00:28:27,180 --> 00:28:31,696
♪ As time goes by
495
00:28:34,140 --> 00:28:36,813
♪ And when two lovers woo
496
00:28:36,860 --> 00:28:39,613
♪ They still say I love you
497
00:28:39,660 --> 00:28:42,697
♪ On that you can rely
498
00:28:45,420 --> 00:28:49,652
♪ The world will always welcome lovers
499
00:28:50,940 --> 00:28:59,052
♪ As time goes by ♪
500
00:28:59,102 --> 00:29:03,652
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