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1
00:00:00,005 --> 00:00:01,970
- Whoo!
- Whoa.
2
00:00:01,972 --> 00:00:03,405
Red servant, yellow servant.
Red servant--
3
00:00:03,407 --> 00:00:05,340
I've always thought that if I
wasn't born with extreme wealth,
4
00:00:05,342 --> 00:00:08,677
I would've earned it fairly
easily as a world-class singer.
5
00:00:08,679 --> 00:00:10,913
And now, I've decided to try
6
00:00:10,915 --> 00:00:13,482
and make the dream
I do not need come true.
7
00:00:13,484 --> 00:00:15,584
We want to be the first
non-poor people
8
00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:17,686
to become famous for talent.
9
00:00:17,688 --> 00:00:19,822
So we purchased the most
famous musician in the world
10
00:00:19,824 --> 00:00:21,623
to come to Bellacourt
and make a song with us.
11
00:00:21,625 --> 00:00:24,526
Mr. Scott Joplin!
[both screaming]
12
00:00:24,528 --> 00:00:25,394
I've been having
this vision
13
00:00:25,396 --> 00:00:27,563
breaking out of these walls
14
00:00:27,565 --> 00:00:30,432
bustin' out of this prison
15
00:00:30,434 --> 00:00:33,003
either rise or you fall,
bring out the body bags
16
00:00:33,038 --> 00:00:34,103
I'm 'bout to kill 'em,
deliver them
17
00:00:34,105 --> 00:00:34,938
to the mortician
18
00:00:34,940 --> 00:00:37,245
light 'em, light 'em up
19
00:00:38,076 --> 00:00:40,343
It's ragtime!
20
00:00:40,345 --> 00:00:42,912
I want the money,
I want the fame
21
00:00:42,914 --> 00:00:44,514
I want the whole world
to know my name
22
00:00:44,516 --> 00:00:47,684
this is mine,
I got to get it
23
00:00:47,686 --> 00:00:50,286
I got to get it,
got, got to get it
24
00:00:50,288 --> 00:00:51,509
Another Period
25
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,523
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
26
00:00:56,094 --> 00:00:58,962
Scott Joplin does not
work for you.
27
00:00:58,964 --> 00:01:01,597
He works for me.
Himself.
28
00:01:01,599 --> 00:01:06,336
Because he operates on a level
that no one could fathom.
29
00:01:06,338 --> 00:01:08,671
Soon, he'll be voting.
30
00:01:08,673 --> 00:01:10,239
[piano chord]
31
00:01:10,241 --> 00:01:11,641
- He'll serve on a jury.
- [piano chord]
32
00:01:11,643 --> 00:01:14,777
Hell, one day, he'll even have
his own bank account.
33
00:01:14,779 --> 00:01:18,348
[ragtime piano music]
34
00:01:18,350 --> 00:01:20,616
Jim Crow does not apply
to the immortal.
35
00:01:20,618 --> 00:01:23,920
Well, I like a man who's not
afraid to toot his own horn,
36
00:01:23,922 --> 00:01:26,356
if you know what I mean.
37
00:01:26,358 --> 00:01:28,825
I mean "dong" by horn.
38
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:32,061
I can flirt too.
I'm just not good at words.
39
00:01:32,063 --> 00:01:34,263
Ladies, I know
he's hard to resist,
40
00:01:34,265 --> 00:01:37,700
but I am spoken for,
so to speak.
41
00:01:37,702 --> 00:01:39,369
Right, Brenda?
42
00:01:39,371 --> 00:01:40,703
Is your wife from one
of those countries
43
00:01:40,705 --> 00:01:41,838
where women don't have tongues?
44
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:42,772
Oh, she has a tongue.
45
00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:45,842
[chuckling]
46
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:50,113
She is the princess of Armenia,
and she is a star.
47
00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:52,648
- What does she do exactly?
- Well, that's the thing.
48
00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:54,550
Nobody knows.
49
00:01:54,552 --> 00:01:57,820
But when I first met Brenda,
she was a talentless beauty.
50
00:01:57,822 --> 00:02:02,325
And now, she is a famous
talentless beauty.
51
00:02:02,327 --> 00:02:03,993
Joplin took her
to the next level.
52
00:02:03,995 --> 00:02:05,094
We want to go
to the next level.
53
00:02:05,096 --> 00:02:07,263
Will you please help us
write a hit song?
54
00:02:07,265 --> 00:02:08,698
- Please?
- I only have one condition.
55
00:02:08,700 --> 00:02:14,170
It's that I retain full control
of the final product.
56
00:02:14,172 --> 00:02:18,574
No one can genius
like a genius like me.
57
00:02:18,576 --> 00:02:19,842
- It's a deal.
- Oh, yes.
58
00:02:19,844 --> 00:02:24,547
[upbeat piano music]
59
00:02:24,549 --> 00:02:27,517
[klezmer music]
60
00:02:27,519 --> 00:02:29,018
61
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:31,821
Hyman Goldberg,
do you take Blanche the Servant
62
00:02:31,823 --> 00:02:35,324
to be your wife
and green card provider?
63
00:02:35,326 --> 00:02:36,793
- I guess.
- Blanche the Servant,
64
00:02:36,795 --> 00:02:39,362
do you understand
65
00:02:39,364 --> 00:02:41,197
that you have no say in this
or any other ceremony
66
00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:42,832
for as long as you both
shall live?
67
00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:45,568
Then, I pronounce you married.
68
00:02:45,570 --> 00:02:49,539
- Well, I'm off to my honeymoon.
- Don't I get to go?
69
00:02:49,541 --> 00:02:52,208
No. I'm sorry.
I just figured you had to work.
70
00:02:55,246 --> 00:02:57,046
I'm off to the Poconos.
71
00:02:57,982 --> 00:03:01,818
Everyone, I have
a very exciting announcement.
72
00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:04,187
- You're shaving your mustache?
- I don't know, Flobelle.
73
00:03:04,189 --> 00:03:05,855
Are you shaving yours?
74
00:03:05,857 --> 00:03:06,756
Now, the announcement,
if everybody's done
75
00:03:06,758 --> 00:03:10,193
with their attempts at humor.
76
00:03:10,195 --> 00:03:12,829
Today, at 4:00
eastern farmer time,
77
00:03:12,831 --> 00:03:18,434
I received a very special
delivery
78
00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:20,970
of a new kind of...
79
00:03:20,972 --> 00:03:22,705
butter!
80
00:03:22,707 --> 00:03:26,476
- Oh, hooray, butter for butler.
- Now, that was a good jest.
81
00:03:26,478 --> 00:03:29,011
Now, this butter is unlike
any you've ever seen.
82
00:03:29,013 --> 00:03:32,248
Rich, thick, creamy,
83
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:37,086
batch tumble churned,
silky smooth.
84
00:03:37,088 --> 00:03:38,554
Ready for...
85
00:03:38,556 --> 00:03:39,722
[funky music]
86
00:03:39,724 --> 00:03:43,793
ready for spreading.
87
00:03:43,795 --> 00:03:45,361
- Mr. Peepers.
- Hmm?
88
00:03:45,363 --> 00:03:47,430
Your wee-wee
is making a tepee.
89
00:03:47,432 --> 00:03:50,233
I've been having certain
carnal thoughts as of late,
90
00:03:50,235 --> 00:03:53,903
but ever since that night
in the stagecoach with Dodo,
91
00:03:53,905 --> 00:03:56,939
the slightest thing sends me
into an erotic tizzy.
92
00:03:56,941 --> 00:03:58,307
No matter.
93
00:03:58,309 --> 00:04:00,877
So long as it does not
affect my work,
94
00:04:00,879 --> 00:04:01,911
I shall just be strong.
95
00:04:01,913 --> 00:04:05,748
[upbeat music]
96
00:04:05,750 --> 00:04:07,617
97
00:04:07,619 --> 00:04:10,586
[ragtime piano music]
98
00:04:10,588 --> 00:04:16,859
99
00:04:16,861 --> 00:04:21,664
[eerie music]
100
00:04:21,666 --> 00:04:24,634
[funky music]
101
00:04:24,636 --> 00:04:28,771
102
00:04:28,773 --> 00:04:31,807
[exhales]
103
00:04:31,809 --> 00:04:39,615
104
00:04:39,617 --> 00:04:41,484
[groans]
105
00:04:41,486 --> 00:04:43,152
[clears throat]
Excuse me.
106
00:04:43,154 --> 00:04:44,887
I suddenly
crave a lower-half ice bath.
107
00:04:44,889 --> 00:04:47,857
[ragtime piano music]
108
00:04:47,859 --> 00:04:49,926
109
00:04:49,928 --> 00:04:51,460
So what do you think?
110
00:04:51,462 --> 00:04:54,730
I don't really ever care about
the not-singing part of a song.
111
00:04:54,732 --> 00:04:56,165
Me neither.
112
00:04:56,167 --> 00:04:57,967
But it'll get there
once we add our lyrics.
113
00:04:57,969 --> 00:04:59,569
- Fine.
- Okay.
114
00:04:59,571 --> 00:05:01,337
Can you play the boring
just music part again?
115
00:05:02,574 --> 00:05:04,307
One, two, five, six.
116
00:05:04,309 --> 00:05:05,908
both:
Baked Alaska, Baked Alaska
117
00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:08,878
Baked Alaska, Baked Alaska
118
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,314
It's Christmas pudding
all topped with meringue
119
00:05:11,316 --> 00:05:14,050
but it's just about
my favorite thang
120
00:05:14,052 --> 00:05:16,619
Bea likes it soft,
and I like it hard
121
00:05:16,621 --> 00:05:17,920
If you need to,
use some cus-tard
122
00:05:17,922 --> 00:05:21,190
both:
Baked Alaska,
it's the treat that we want
123
00:05:21,192 --> 00:05:23,726
Do it in the back
and not in the front
124
00:05:23,728 --> 00:05:27,697
[scatting]
125
00:05:27,699 --> 00:05:30,900
[off-key vocalizing]
126
00:05:30,902 --> 00:05:32,635
[scatting]
127
00:05:32,637 --> 00:05:35,371
Alaska
128
00:05:35,373 --> 00:05:37,540
[both vocalizing off-key]
129
00:05:37,542 --> 00:05:40,243
Alaska
130
00:05:40,245 --> 00:05:41,978
[both vocalizing off-key]
131
00:05:41,980 --> 00:05:43,846
[dog barking]
132
00:05:43,848 --> 00:05:44,814
Shut the hell up, Cutie!
133
00:05:44,816 --> 00:05:46,082
You're ruining my solo!
134
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:48,284
Our solo.
135
00:05:48,286 --> 00:05:50,453
So what'd you think?
136
00:05:51,689 --> 00:05:52,822
[stammers]
137
00:05:52,824 --> 00:05:55,324
I mean-- sure.
138
00:05:55,326 --> 00:05:58,694
Uh, I think I can do something
with it.
139
00:05:58,696 --> 00:06:01,163
I mean, I'm not just
an entertainer.
140
00:06:01,165 --> 00:06:01,998
I'm the entertainer.
141
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,001
[upbeat music]
142
00:06:05,003 --> 00:06:07,970
143
00:06:07,972 --> 00:06:11,007
[panting]
144
00:06:11,009 --> 00:06:17,446
145
00:06:17,448 --> 00:06:18,814
[groans]
146
00:06:22,854 --> 00:06:24,954
[gasps]
147
00:06:24,956 --> 00:06:27,556
My sheets are soaked.
148
00:06:27,558 --> 00:06:29,558
149
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,845
[lively instrumental music] _
150
00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:33,596
Today's the day.
151
00:06:33,598 --> 00:06:35,064
Joplin's team dropped off
an advance pressing of our song,
152
00:06:35,066 --> 00:06:37,733
and I just know
that "Baked Alaska"
153
00:06:37,735 --> 00:06:40,536
is going to shoot us to stardom
and into America's hearts.
154
00:06:40,538 --> 00:06:42,038
I would like to take
this opportunity
155
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:43,306
to say goodbye to all of you.
156
00:06:43,308 --> 00:06:45,007
Some of you I've never liked,
157
00:06:45,009 --> 00:06:47,410
although I've kept it to myself
in the interest propriety.
158
00:06:47,412 --> 00:06:49,712
You constantly tell me
you hate me.
159
00:06:49,714 --> 00:06:51,614
Some of you
I wish I'd known better.
160
00:06:53,718 --> 00:06:56,185
But mostly I've accepted you
as a necessary part of my life,
161
00:06:56,187 --> 00:07:00,189
but I'll thank you
to not ask me for any favors.
162
00:07:00,191 --> 00:07:02,358
Garfield.
163
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:05,594
I cannot wait for the pink fog
of fame to wash over me,
164
00:07:05,596 --> 00:07:08,864
and then I'll truly never die.
165
00:07:08,866 --> 00:07:11,267
I can't wait to never die.
166
00:07:11,269 --> 00:07:14,203
[Scott Joplin's
"The Entertainer" playing]
167
00:07:14,205 --> 00:07:15,871
Here it is.
168
00:07:15,873 --> 00:07:18,808
[ragtime piano music]
169
00:07:18,810 --> 00:07:20,876
170
00:07:20,878 --> 00:07:23,546
I thought we were supposed
to be singing.
171
00:07:23,548 --> 00:07:24,780
Hmm.
172
00:07:24,782 --> 00:07:26,782
173
00:07:26,784 --> 00:07:29,051
[dog barking]
174
00:07:29,053 --> 00:07:30,886
My voice sounds weird.
175
00:07:30,888 --> 00:07:32,154
Idiot!
That's not us.
176
00:07:32,156 --> 00:07:33,289
That's Mayor Cutie!
177
00:07:33,291 --> 00:07:34,457
- [laughing]
- Are you sure?
178
00:07:34,459 --> 00:07:36,726
This dog sounds like it
has a Jamaican accent.
179
00:07:36,728 --> 00:07:40,796
Someone thought it would be
a good idea to go solo
180
00:07:40,798 --> 00:07:43,632
and leave the rest of us
in the dust.
181
00:07:43,634 --> 00:07:45,401
- [growling]
- You selfish bitch.
182
00:07:45,403 --> 00:07:46,102
You never loved me.
183
00:07:46,104 --> 00:07:49,271
All you loved is yourself!
184
00:07:49,273 --> 00:07:50,339
And chicken.
185
00:07:50,341 --> 00:07:51,507
[growls]
186
00:07:51,992 --> 00:07:53,142
["The Entertainer" playing]
187
00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:56,213
_
188
00:07:56,233 --> 00:07:57,232
[crying]
189
00:07:57,234 --> 00:07:59,734
Will you stop
playing that song?
190
00:07:59,736 --> 00:08:01,469
191
00:08:01,471 --> 00:08:04,439
Lillian, why are
the lights so low?
192
00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:05,807
Do you have conjunctivitis?
193
00:08:05,809 --> 00:08:07,175
I have conjunctivitis
of the heart.
194
00:08:07,177 --> 00:08:09,444
[dog barking]
195
00:08:09,446 --> 00:08:10,979
I should've known better
than to trust
196
00:08:10,981 --> 00:08:12,213
a fast-fingered ragman
197
00:08:12,215 --> 00:08:14,082
and a too-hot-for-
her-own-good Chihuahua.
198
00:08:14,084 --> 00:08:18,219
I'm just sad we don't get
to play in the concert.
199
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:19,821
What concert?
200
00:08:19,823 --> 00:08:21,656
Joplin's doing this song
live with Cutie.
201
00:08:21,658 --> 00:08:23,625
How could she betray us
202
00:08:23,627 --> 00:08:26,728
and steal the spotlight
for herself?
203
00:08:26,730 --> 00:08:28,897
That's what I was
going to do to you.
204
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:29,497
Oh.
205
00:08:29,499 --> 00:08:31,566
[crying]
God damn it!
206
00:08:31,568 --> 00:08:33,501
- What? What happened?
- Someone forgot to bring me
207
00:08:33,503 --> 00:08:35,337
my cold cocoa.
208
00:08:35,339 --> 00:08:36,938
They probably gave it
to Mayor Cutie,
209
00:08:36,940 --> 00:08:38,640
that four-pound whore!
210
00:08:39,076 --> 00:08:41,977
You know what?
211
00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:43,078
I will get the cocoa myself.
212
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,181
Beatrice, wait.
213
00:08:46,183 --> 00:08:47,482
A rich person cooking.
214
00:08:47,484 --> 00:08:49,084
They might think you're a witch.
215
00:08:49,086 --> 00:08:51,920
Lillian, I will do anything
for my family,
216
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:53,622
including putting things
in my bottom.
217
00:08:53,624 --> 00:08:54,789
I'll be back with the cocoa.
218
00:08:54,791 --> 00:08:56,324
- Wait.
- Don't worry, Lillian.
219
00:08:56,326 --> 00:08:59,260
I won't put the cocoa
in my bottom.
220
00:08:59,262 --> 00:09:01,963
Well, at least there's that.
221
00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:06,768
[soft music]
222
00:09:06,770 --> 00:09:07,769
223
00:09:07,771 --> 00:09:09,004
Ooh.
224
00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:16,111
225
00:09:16,113 --> 00:09:17,212
Oh, no.
226
00:09:17,214 --> 00:09:19,814
I always do that.
227
00:09:19,816 --> 00:09:22,984
228
00:09:22,986 --> 00:09:24,085
[gasps]
229
00:09:24,087 --> 00:09:25,320
Oh, hi, Peepers.
230
00:09:25,322 --> 00:09:27,656
[laughing]
Neat dance.
231
00:09:27,658 --> 00:09:30,291
Miss Beatrice,
what are you doing down here?
232
00:09:30,293 --> 00:09:32,694
Someone forgot the cold cocoa
for our bedtime biscuits.
233
00:09:32,696 --> 00:09:34,162
I shall find
the culprit immediately.
234
00:09:34,164 --> 00:09:36,297
Thank you.
235
00:09:36,299 --> 00:09:37,198
Good night, Peepers.
236
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,835
Worry not,
Miss naked Beatrice.
237
00:09:40,837 --> 00:09:44,839
I shall ferret out whoever's
responsible for this savagery.
238
00:09:46,143 --> 00:09:48,309
It was I.
239
00:09:48,311 --> 00:09:52,113
'Twas I who forgot
the cold cocoa.
240
00:09:52,115 --> 00:09:54,716
What is happening to me?
241
00:09:54,718 --> 00:09:57,118
Why won't you leave me alone,
242
00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,889
devil's pole?
243
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,758
[groaning]
244
00:10:04,194 --> 00:10:07,095
[weeping]
245
00:10:17,874 --> 00:10:20,942
[upbeat music]
246
00:10:25,415 --> 00:10:26,381
[clears throat]
247
00:10:26,383 --> 00:10:29,517
Oh, hello, husband.
How were the Poconos?
248
00:10:29,519 --> 00:10:31,619
The mai tais were strong,
249
00:10:31,621 --> 00:10:34,355
and the klezmer white-hot.
250
00:10:34,357 --> 00:10:36,691
I don't know what either
of those things are.
251
00:10:36,693 --> 00:10:40,462
So do you think
that we might consummate soon?
252
00:10:40,464 --> 00:10:42,931
I just would like
to make this official.
253
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:43,832
[chuckles]
254
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:46,501
[stammering]
Blanche, I want to, I really do.
255
00:10:46,503 --> 00:10:49,504
I just-- it might be hard.
256
00:10:49,506 --> 00:10:53,208
- Because I'm not a man?
- What? No.
257
00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:54,375
I'm not a-- I'm not a homosexual.
258
00:10:54,377 --> 00:10:57,278
I mean, if anything,
I'm a pansexual.
259
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,114
Is it the company, then?
260
00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:00,982
Oh, no.
261
00:11:00,984 --> 00:11:04,619
No, to be honest,
I kind of like it.
262
00:11:04,621 --> 00:11:05,987
Well, what, then?
263
00:11:05,989 --> 00:11:07,789
There's no easy way
to say this,
264
00:11:07,791 --> 00:11:08,590
so I will just say it.
265
00:11:08,592 --> 00:11:10,725
It's your pregnancy, Blanche.
266
00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:13,862
It's repulsive to me,
no offense.
267
00:11:13,864 --> 00:11:15,263
I can't get over the idea
that the baby's
268
00:11:15,265 --> 00:11:18,333
going to attack me from within
with little hands
269
00:11:18,335 --> 00:11:19,801
and little teeth and--
270
00:11:19,803 --> 00:11:21,336
[growling]
271
00:11:21,338 --> 00:11:23,004
You understand, right?
272
00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:28,376
- Okay.
- Oh, poor Blanche.
273
00:11:28,378 --> 00:11:30,578
You know what?
274
00:11:30,580 --> 00:11:33,148
I've got an idea.
I can help.
275
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:36,384
A-ha. Yes.
276
00:11:36,386 --> 00:11:37,685
Oh, no. Please.
277
00:11:37,687 --> 00:11:39,354
No, no.
Oh, my God.
278
00:11:39,356 --> 00:11:41,456
Help!
Help, help, help, help.
279
00:11:41,458 --> 00:11:43,057
Help, help, help, help!
Please!
280
00:11:43,059 --> 00:11:45,193
[crying]
281
00:11:45,195 --> 00:11:47,662
Peekaboo!
I see you.
282
00:11:47,664 --> 00:11:50,131
Now I don't.
283
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:52,600
It's a wonderful idea
and a custom of my people.
284
00:11:52,602 --> 00:11:55,069
Good, Blanche.
285
00:11:55,071 --> 00:11:57,238
Okay. Spread.
286
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,840
And bed!
287
00:11:58,842 --> 00:12:00,308
- [exclaims]
- Okay.
288
00:12:00,310 --> 00:12:02,644
Yes. Yes!
289
00:12:02,646 --> 00:12:04,379
[klezmer music]
290
00:12:04,381 --> 00:12:05,280
Hello.
291
00:12:05,282 --> 00:12:08,316
The doctor is in.
Oh!
292
00:12:08,318 --> 00:12:10,218
Ah, and the doctor is done.
293
00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:12,620
Give her the eye contact.
294
00:12:12,622 --> 00:12:15,290
Married!
I am married.
295
00:12:15,292 --> 00:12:16,457
Oh, I hate you!
296
00:12:16,459 --> 00:12:19,561
Your mother's a whore.
Oh, come on!
297
00:12:19,563 --> 00:12:20,428
Excuse me, Hamish.
298
00:12:20,430 --> 00:12:23,431
[dramatic music]
What the hell do you want?
299
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:26,334
I need you.
300
00:12:26,336 --> 00:12:27,569
I need your help.
301
00:12:31,074 --> 00:12:33,141
[laughing]
302
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,543
So you kill a man,
303
00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:36,911
that gets me arrested,
304
00:12:36,913 --> 00:12:40,148
and then you let me rot in jail
and nearly get executed,
305
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,183
and now you want my help?
306
00:12:42,185 --> 00:12:45,887
That is essentially
the circumstance, yes.
307
00:12:45,889 --> 00:12:48,089
I can't say no to that face.
308
00:12:49,459 --> 00:12:51,960
It's so clean.
309
00:12:56,366 --> 00:12:58,132
What's the problem?
310
00:12:58,134 --> 00:12:59,467
Well, I'm having...
311
00:12:59,469 --> 00:13:03,471
nighttime penile seepage.
312
00:13:03,473 --> 00:13:05,306
Sleep sprays.
313
00:13:05,308 --> 00:13:07,609
It's not a big deal at all.
It happens to me all the time.
314
00:13:07,611 --> 00:13:10,478
I use my dried sheets as doors.
315
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,846
They don't work very well.
They're sheets.
316
00:13:11,848 --> 00:13:14,549
But, Hamish, I'm having
increasing carnal frustration.
317
00:13:14,551 --> 00:13:17,518
I feel like
a pubescent teenage boy,
318
00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:19,387
though I'm nearly
thirty years old.
319
00:13:19,389 --> 00:13:24,292
- So you want what from me?
- I want you to castrate me.
320
00:13:24,294 --> 00:13:25,460
Here.
321
00:13:25,462 --> 00:13:27,095
Let me take this out.
322
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:27,896
There it is.
323
00:13:27,898 --> 00:13:29,731
Here, I brought you this.
324
00:13:29,733 --> 00:13:31,099
Ice tongs. I don't know
if they'll be useful.
325
00:13:31,101 --> 00:13:32,267
- No, no, no, no, no.
- Do it quick.
326
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,535
No, no. Listen, man.
327
00:13:34,537 --> 00:13:36,938
Even if I could--
and I want to--
328
00:13:36,940 --> 00:13:37,805
I wouldn't.
329
00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:39,807
It doesn't do any good.
330
00:13:39,809 --> 00:13:40,875
If I cut it off,
you'll still feel horny,
331
00:13:40,877 --> 00:13:42,377
and then there's nothing
you could do about it.
332
00:13:42,379 --> 00:13:45,046
It's called "phantom dick,"
333
00:13:45,048 --> 00:13:47,715
and it's not as fun
as it sounds.
334
00:13:47,717 --> 00:13:49,517
Let me take you
to the bordello this evening
335
00:13:49,519 --> 00:13:52,453
so you can dip your wick.
336
00:13:54,491 --> 00:13:55,990
Problem solved.
337
00:13:56,523 --> 00:13:59,490
[upbeat piano music]
338
00:13:59,492 --> 00:14:04,462
339
00:14:04,464 --> 00:14:07,198
all: Hamish!
340
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,635
Hello, whores.
341
00:14:10,637 --> 00:14:12,737
I am so happy to see you,
342
00:14:12,739 --> 00:14:15,039
but I'm very sorry, Hamish.
343
00:14:15,041 --> 00:14:17,642
The shaved orangutan is
at the veterinarian's.
344
00:14:17,644 --> 00:14:20,611
I'm not here for me.
I'm here for my friend
345
00:14:20,613 --> 00:14:24,048
Peeps here, who wants
to clean his pipes.
346
00:14:24,050 --> 00:14:27,018
- Say hello!
- Well, good evening, madam.
347
00:14:27,020 --> 00:14:28,953
[laughing]
348
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,421
"Madam"!
349
00:14:30,423 --> 00:14:31,789
"Well, good evening, Madam."
350
00:14:31,791 --> 00:14:34,158
[laughing]
351
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:35,459
Well, go on.
352
00:14:35,461 --> 00:14:37,328
Choose one there, Jeeves.
353
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:38,729
Don't worry.
354
00:14:38,731 --> 00:14:40,731
You're not going
to hurt their feelings.
355
00:14:40,733 --> 00:14:42,500
What about Josephine?
356
00:14:42,502 --> 00:14:46,971
You can call her "Richard"
'cause she has a dick.
357
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,341
- Lovely.
- Or this is Peggy, who has
358
00:14:50,343 --> 00:14:54,946
a wonderful knack
for doing the old steamed clam.
359
00:14:54,948 --> 00:14:57,782
You know, if it doesn't open,
don't eat it.
360
00:14:57,784 --> 00:15:01,752
This is Baby, 'cause she'll
make you cry like one.
361
00:15:01,754 --> 00:15:03,688
And, also, she just had one.
362
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:05,623
And this is Diana.
363
00:15:05,625 --> 00:15:08,659
She's an advocate
for sex workers' rights.
364
00:15:08,661 --> 00:15:12,563
Yes, well, madam,
may I choose you?
365
00:15:12,565 --> 00:15:16,000
Me? No.
366
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,769
I'm not-- I'm the lady
of the house.
367
00:15:19,606 --> 00:15:22,373
That's what I like.
368
00:15:22,375 --> 00:15:24,442
Okay.
369
00:15:24,444 --> 00:15:27,645
[upbeat horn music]
370
00:15:27,647 --> 00:15:29,113
The time has come for me
371
00:15:29,115 --> 00:15:30,581
to put aside
my creative differences
372
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,550
with Mayor Cutie
and attend the concert.
373
00:15:32,552 --> 00:15:34,885
After all, I'm her owner,
so I should be entitled
374
00:15:34,887 --> 00:15:36,120
to some of the glory.
375
00:15:36,122 --> 00:15:38,122
Ever since she got famous,
376
00:15:38,124 --> 00:15:40,024
Mayor Cutie's really changed.
377
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,525
I heard she dyes her fur now.
378
00:15:41,527 --> 00:15:43,995
Ever since that shyster
Joplin arrived, I knew he
379
00:15:43,997 --> 00:15:44,996
and that little twat
380
00:15:44,998 --> 00:15:46,664
would be in cahoots
to steal my thunder.
381
00:15:46,666 --> 00:15:49,634
- Our thunder.
- [scoffs]
382
00:15:49,636 --> 00:15:51,502
The point is, Joplin
is a liar and a bum,
383
00:15:51,504 --> 00:15:53,571
and Mayor Cutie is
a fame-seeking, egotistical,
384
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:57,141
self-serving,
pathetic old bitch who--
385
00:15:57,143 --> 00:15:58,509
Mayor Cutie!
386
00:15:58,511 --> 00:15:59,577
Mayor Cutie!
It's me, Lillian!
387
00:15:59,579 --> 00:16:00,911
Remember me?
388
00:16:00,913 --> 00:16:02,647
Old Lil,
your dear old gal?
389
00:16:02,649 --> 00:16:05,683
You look beautiful
390
00:16:05,685 --> 00:16:07,952
Mayor Cutie.
Mr. Joplin. It's me!
391
00:16:07,954 --> 00:16:10,354
Me, Lillian,
the singer!
392
00:16:10,356 --> 00:16:11,522
Hello?
Mr. Joplin.
393
00:16:11,524 --> 00:16:12,657
Enough! And now, I would like
to introduce to you
394
00:16:12,659 --> 00:16:15,192
someone I believe in
395
00:16:15,194 --> 00:16:18,095
almost as much
as I believe in myself.
396
00:16:18,097 --> 00:16:20,431
The legend, Mayor Cutie.
397
00:16:20,433 --> 00:16:21,799
[applause]
398
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:23,634
["The Entertainer" playing]
399
00:16:23,636 --> 00:16:26,003
I'm her owner.
400
00:16:26,005 --> 00:16:27,271
I took a zeppelin all the way
401
00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:28,773
to the Mexican state
of Chihuahua
402
00:16:28,775 --> 00:16:30,074
to buy her from a breeder.
403
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:31,509
Shh.
404
00:16:31,511 --> 00:16:33,844
I named her and then had her
legally elected mayor
405
00:16:33,846 --> 00:16:34,612
of a small town
in Rhode Island.
406
00:16:34,614 --> 00:16:36,814
[applause]
407
00:16:36,816 --> 00:16:38,683
[barking]
408
00:16:38,685 --> 00:16:41,118
Arf, arf!
Arf, arf!
409
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:42,553
- [crowd booing]
- Arf, arf!
410
00:16:42,555 --> 00:16:45,256
Arf, arf!
411
00:16:45,258 --> 00:16:47,758
Hey, get off
the stage, you dummy.
412
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,226
Arf?
413
00:16:49,228 --> 00:16:49,627
414
00:16:49,629 --> 00:16:50,695
[barking]
415
00:16:50,697 --> 00:16:54,298
It's not her real hair.
416
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,733
I liked it.
417
00:16:55,735 --> 00:16:59,336
- Ooh.
- Yes.
418
00:16:59,338 --> 00:17:00,404
Very good.
419
00:17:00,406 --> 00:17:02,006
[laughing]
I see, I see.
420
00:17:02,008 --> 00:17:04,041
You gonna keep
your clothes on?
421
00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:06,110
Well, to tell you the truth,
madam, please.
422
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,279
I must confess to you it is--
423
00:17:08,281 --> 00:17:10,648
Ooh, a confession.
I'm a priest.
424
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,850
I have never done this before.
425
00:17:12,852 --> 00:17:17,788
- Not at all?
- No. I mostly just dust.
426
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:19,757
Okay.
You know what you can do?
427
00:17:19,759 --> 00:17:22,960
You can put it
in my hind quarters.
428
00:17:22,962 --> 00:17:24,995
You know, the Baked Alaska.
429
00:17:24,997 --> 00:17:27,331
Oh, I don't like
the sound of that.
430
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:28,966
Well, listen.
431
00:17:28,968 --> 00:17:31,535
All you got to do is,
you take your little willy...
432
00:17:31,537 --> 00:17:33,471
- Yes?
- And you point, thrust,
433
00:17:33,473 --> 00:17:34,939
go "pow, pow"
434
00:17:34,941 --> 00:17:36,874
until your dick pukes.
435
00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:40,144
Madam, do you think
it would be possible for you
436
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,480
to be slightly less vulgar?
437
00:17:42,482 --> 00:17:44,548
Perhaps you could affect
a higher-class accent,
438
00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:47,718
or perhaps you could order me
to buttle something.
439
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,187
- Very funny.
- [stammering]
440
00:17:50,189 --> 00:17:51,155
Madam, no!
441
00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,890
No!
442
00:17:52,892 --> 00:17:55,359
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
443
00:17:55,361 --> 00:17:58,763
I just-- I don't think
I can do this.
444
00:17:58,765 --> 00:18:00,965
Well, look.
445
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:02,767
Why don't you
just try jerking it?
446
00:18:02,769 --> 00:18:05,202
- Jerking what?
- Jerking off!
447
00:18:05,204 --> 00:18:07,872
Jerking off!
You never done that neither?
448
00:18:07,874 --> 00:18:09,406
Well, I--
449
00:18:09,408 --> 00:18:10,808
All you got to do
is take your hand--
450
00:18:10,810 --> 00:18:12,610
- Yes?
- Make it like a jelly pot--
451
00:18:12,612 --> 00:18:14,078
Okay.
452
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,746
And then just jank it
till it pops.
453
00:18:15,748 --> 00:18:18,315
I see.
Oh, it's rather like
454
00:18:18,317 --> 00:18:20,284
polishing a banister, isn't it?
455
00:18:20,286 --> 00:18:21,819
Thank you, madam.
You've been a very good friend.
456
00:18:21,821 --> 00:18:23,754
That'll be a dime.
457
00:18:23,756 --> 00:18:25,798
Oh, yes.
458
00:18:26,907 --> 00:18:28,406
Ugh.
What an idiot.
459
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,707
"Mr. Joplin, Mayor Cutie,
it's me, Lillian!
460
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,709
Oh, I'm so desperate."
461
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:33,678
[crying]
I'm so stupid.
462
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:37,549
[claws clicking on floor]
463
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:38,516
You.
464
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,718
You betrayed me.
465
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,620
You used me to get to Joplin
466
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,124
and then left me on the side
of the road like a dead hyena,
467
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,326
and you're not even a singer.
468
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,261
[growling]
469
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,496
[dramatic music]
470
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,666
[demonic voice]
You bitch!
471
00:18:54,668 --> 00:18:57,635
[screaming]
472
00:18:57,637 --> 00:19:01,639
473
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,508
[grunting]
474
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,477
[screaming]
475
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:13,017
476
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,719
Lillian, what are you doing?
477
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,387
She is our sister.
478
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,523
Now, I know she's made
some mistakes before,
479
00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,258
but you don't kill your family.
480
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,759
It's one of the Ten Commanders.
481
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:25,730
Oh, my goodness.
You're right.
482
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,633
Oh, what have I become?
483
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:32,837
Oh, Mayor Cutie, I'll never let
a song get in between us again.
484
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:36,407
Isn't that right, Mayor Cutie?
485
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:39,477
Mayor Cutie?
Mayor Cutie, say something!
486
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:39,978
Sing something!
487
00:19:39,980 --> 00:19:42,413
Arf, arf!
Anything.
488
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,881
Wake up!
489
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:44,983
[crying]
She's dead.
490
00:19:44,985 --> 00:19:46,651
- No!
- She's dead.
491
00:19:46,653 --> 00:19:49,954
I killed our sister!
492
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:51,656
Oh, God, why?
493
00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:53,725
Why couldn't it have
been Hortense?
494
00:19:53,727 --> 00:19:56,194
Oh, oh, oh.
Don't-- don't sit there.
495
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,930
- What?
- Oh, actually,
496
00:19:58,932 --> 00:20:00,932
it's what she would've wanted.
497
00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:02,600
[both crying]
498
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:05,570
[soft music]
499
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:13,444
500
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:18,249
Mr. Peepers,
what are you doing?
501
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,550
Quiet, boy.
502
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,719
Go on with your tasks.
503
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,087
504
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:25,589
- Yes, sir.
- Churn that butter.
505
00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:32,809
Lillian can't come
to the phone right now.
506
00:20:32,810 --> 00:20:34,932
Can the crap.
Where's Cutie?
507
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:39,361
The president of France has invited her
to bark at his birthday party.
508
00:20:40,641 --> 00:20:42,757
- She's dead.
- Lillian killed her.
509
00:20:42,758 --> 00:20:44,396
Another star...
510
00:20:44,397 --> 00:20:46,585
snuffed out too soon.
511
00:20:46,586 --> 00:20:49,634
Never mind.
Joplin doesn't need a partner.
512
00:20:49,635 --> 00:20:52,051
Joplin is a comet.
513
00:20:52,052 --> 00:20:55,046
Joplin is the solar system!
514
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:56,951
[dog barking]
515
00:20:56,952 --> 00:20:59,952
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
516
00:21:00,002 --> 00:21:04,552
Repair and Synchronization by
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