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1
00:00:01,540 --> 00:00:03,420
♪♪
2
00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:05,670
[ Sighs ]
3
00:00:05,670 --> 00:00:07,500
No, no, Mom.
We've got this.
4
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:08,790
Don't offer to help.
5
00:00:08,790 --> 00:00:10,080
Ah, way ahead of you.
6
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,170
[ Door closes ]
[ Chuckles ]
7
00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:12,500
Why do you put off
getting your tree
8
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,920
until the last second?
9
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,460
It's almost Christmas.
10
00:00:15,460 --> 00:00:17,580
We wait so we get a better price
on the reject trees.
11
00:00:17,580 --> 00:00:19,790
Because a penny saved
is a penny embarrassing.
12
00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:21,960
This one
only cost us 15 bucks
13
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,880
because it's infested
with termites.
14
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:25,790
But here's a fun fact --
we're renters!
15
00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:28,790
Do you have to
keep walking around
16
00:00:28,790 --> 00:00:29,790
in that creepy thing?
17
00:00:29,790 --> 00:00:31,120
Yeah.
I do.
18
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,500
I didn't get the lead
in "The Nutcracker,"
19
00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,710
so I'm stuck getting used to
this stupid Mouse King mask.
20
00:00:34,710 --> 00:00:37,540
Well, it's happening,
so suck it up.
21
00:00:37,540 --> 00:00:40,080
All I want this year
is a peaceful Christmas.
22
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,420
All I want
is a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet.
23
00:00:42,420 --> 00:00:44,380
All I want
is an aging billionaire
24
00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:46,620
who has an aversion to pre-nups.
[ Chuckles ]
25
00:00:46,620 --> 00:00:47,920
Hmm.
26
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,830
And all I want
for Christmas...
27
00:00:49,830 --> 00:00:52,880
[ Door closes ]
is for your mother to leave.
28
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,710
She's been here forever.
I want my office back.
29
00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:55,920
I'm tired of you guys
making fun of me
30
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:56,920
whenever I want to
read a book.
31
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,380
Books are for nerds,
nerd!
32
00:00:58,380 --> 00:00:59,380
[ Laughs ]
33
00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:01,000
[ Doorbell rings ]
34
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:04,750
[ Gasps ] Daddy!
35
00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:06,580
Kitty-Kat!
[ Both laugh ]
36
00:01:06,580 --> 00:01:08,000
Children: Grandpa!
37
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,500
Oh, hi, cutie.
Oh, hi, sweetheart. [ Laughs ]
38
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:11,580
Hey, pal.
How are you? Hi.
39
00:01:11,580 --> 00:01:13,290
Why don't you take his bags
upstairs?
40
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,250
Oh, yeah, grab that one
for me, would you?
41
00:01:14,250 --> 00:01:15,670
I didn't know
you were coming, Dad.
42
00:01:15,670 --> 00:01:18,330
Why didn't you call?
Well, I did.
43
00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:20,750
I told that little knucklehead
right there.
44
00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:23,750
Oh. Mom, Grandpa's coming
to town for Christmas.
45
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,710
I love
that you came, Daddy.
46
00:01:26,710 --> 00:01:28,710
There is
just one hitch --
47
00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:29,750
Mom's here.
48
00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:31,540
She's still here?
Mm-hmm.
49
00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:33,210
I thought she would've
moved on by now.
50
00:01:33,210 --> 00:01:34,710
It's been months.
Thank you!
51
00:01:34,710 --> 00:01:36,120
Grandpa!
52
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,620
Come put those presents
under the tree.
53
00:01:37,620 --> 00:01:39,120
[ Chuckles ]
54
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,000
This is very,
very bad.
55
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,500
We can't have my parents
in the same house.
56
00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:45,120
There's an understanding --
they only see each other
57
00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:46,420
at weddings
and funerals.
58
00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:48,170
It's been 25 years
since they split up.
59
00:01:48,170 --> 00:01:49,080
I'm sure they've moved on
by now.
60
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,120
Marty?
61
00:01:55,210 --> 00:01:56,830
Hey, Kate.
62
00:01:56,830 --> 00:01:58,790
Nice ponytail.
63
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:01,420
It's very "Last of the Mohicans"
meets "Cocoon."
64
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:03,670
And how do you
look so good?
65
00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:07,250
Did you make a deal...
with yourself?
66
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:08,330
[ Chuckles, snorts ]
67
00:02:08,330 --> 00:02:09,580
And I see that
you're still
68
00:02:09,580 --> 00:02:10,580
wearing cargo shorts.
69
00:02:10,580 --> 00:02:12,250
Oh, I'm sorry.
70
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,960
I would have
gotten all dressed up
71
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,380
had I known I was meeting
the Queen of England.
72
00:02:17,790 --> 00:02:20,120
Katie:
Well, deck the [bleep] halls.
73
00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:27,080
♪♪
74
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:31,170
You don't have to
clear out of your room.
75
00:02:31,170 --> 00:02:32,790
I can just
sleep on the floor somewhere.
76
00:02:32,790 --> 00:02:34,120
Come on, Grandpa,
77
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,920
you're not gonna
sleep on the floor.
78
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,620
I'll just sleep
on Anna-Kat's pullout.
79
00:02:37,620 --> 00:02:39,170
Thanks, kiddo.
80
00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:41,000
Hey, I'm excited to go
see your dance thing.
81
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,880
Don't get too excited.
82
00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,420
I didn't get
the starring role.
83
00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:46,710
I'm the Mouse King.
I wear a mask.
84
00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,040
No one will even
remember me.
85
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,420
Hey.
Batman wore a mask.
86
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:51,540
Superman wore a mask.
87
00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:52,620
Superman didn't
wear a mask.
88
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:53,880
Batman wore a mask.
89
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,420
What are you two
talking about?
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00:02:55,420 --> 00:02:57,420
Uh, Grandpa was just
giving me some advice.
91
00:02:57,420 --> 00:03:01,420
Your grandpa is the best person
to go to for problems.
92
00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:03,540
He was a father
and a mother to me. Marty: Aww.
93
00:03:03,540 --> 00:03:05,170
When these started
coming in strong... I'm good.
94
00:03:05,170 --> 00:03:06,420
...I went to him.
95
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,540
He took me to get my first bra.
96
00:03:07,540 --> 00:03:10,210
Most girls start
with a training bra.
97
00:03:10,210 --> 00:03:11,790
Not my Katie.
Still good.
98
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:12,920
He also taught me
how to shave my legs.
99
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,880
And how to change a flat,
100
00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:17,460
throw a curve ball,
and put on mascara.
101
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:19,540
You got to flick your wrist
a little bit
102
00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:20,880
or it gets all clumpy.
103
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,880
Why didn't Grandma
do this stuff with you?
104
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,540
Because she found herself a job
105
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,750
that would keep parenting
opportunities to a minimum.
106
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,460
You don't have to
change the sheets for me.
107
00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:33,580
You do not want to sleep
in a 15-year-old boy's sheets.
108
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:34,830
Mommmmm!
109
00:03:34,830 --> 00:03:36,460
You're right. I'm sorry, honey.
110
00:03:36,460 --> 00:03:38,670
You should also probably
wear flip-flops in the shower.
111
00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:42,000
Ugh!
I can't believe
112
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,500
that you wrapped those presents
in aluminum foil.
113
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Why?
114
00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,170
You don't need tape,
115
00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:48,540
and a cutter
is right on the box.
116
00:03:48,540 --> 00:03:49,920
You don't have to
worry about scissors,
117
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:51,540
and when you unwrap,
you can use it
118
00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:53,830
to cover your favorite
holiday leftovers.
119
00:03:53,830 --> 00:03:56,250
All right, this is why
your daughter
120
00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:57,670
buys last-minute
Christmas trees
121
00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,920
and reuses dryer sheets until
they dissolve into her clothing.
122
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,880
Oh, you are a delight.
123
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,170
Ugh.
124
00:04:04,170 --> 00:04:05,250
[ Sighs ]
125
00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:08,000
Well, looks like
our family Christmas
126
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,620
is getting dragged
behind a dumpster
127
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:11,750
and beaten with
a sack of batteries.
128
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,460
You're just gonna have to ask
one of your parents to leave.
129
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,250
I can't kick my parents out
on Christmas.
130
00:04:15,250 --> 00:04:16,750
The only thing
that we can do
131
00:04:16,750 --> 00:04:17,750
to have
a peaceful holiday
132
00:04:17,750 --> 00:04:18,790
is to keep them apart.
133
00:04:18,790 --> 00:04:20,000
I will take
my mom to work
134
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,380
and you entertain my dad.
135
00:04:21,380 --> 00:04:22,620
What am I supposed to
do with him?
136
00:04:22,620 --> 00:04:24,620
He's a handyman.
Have him fix something.
137
00:04:24,620 --> 00:04:25,830
Fix what?
Nothing's broken.
138
00:04:28,380 --> 00:04:29,670
[ Cabinet clatters ]
There.
139
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:30,670
Fix that.
140
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,170
All right.
141
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,790
[ Knock on door ]
142
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,170
There's
the new understudy
143
00:04:41,170 --> 00:04:42,790
for the lead
of "Little Shop of Horrors."
144
00:04:42,790 --> 00:04:44,250
I couldn't have done it
without you.
145
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,210
Ready to rehearse?
Let me just grab my script.
146
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:52,540
Hey, Pierce, do you wanna
play ponies with me?
147
00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:53,960
Ponies?
Yeah.
148
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,040
I made up
a game called
149
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,830
"Real Horsewives
of Connecticut."
150
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,080
This is
Donatella Morningstar.
151
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,620
She's having a launch party
for her new saddle line,
152
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,420
but she didn't invite
Sparkles O'Donahue,
153
00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:07,420
so she's having lunch with
Bethany Trotsky to talk trash.
154
00:05:07,420 --> 00:05:09,250
Yeah,
I don't do ponies.
155
00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,540
Tell Mom and Dad
we're off to join the circus.
156
00:05:13,540 --> 00:05:15,500
Did you just come up with that
off the top of your head?
157
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:16,920
Mm.
I can't believe you haven't done improv.
158
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,960
[ Giggles ]
159
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,250
[ Door closes ]
160
00:05:20,250 --> 00:05:23,170
That boy needs
a hard hoof to the head.
161
00:05:23,170 --> 00:05:25,830
Ooo, Donatella,
you are bad.
162
00:05:27,670 --> 00:05:29,120
[ Grunts ]
163
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,540
Nothing was ever good enough
for that woman.
164
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,670
[ Glasses clack ]
165
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,960
You have those
just loose in there?
166
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,790
No bag?
167
00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:40,210
It's a pocket.
Why would I need a bag?
168
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,540
Listen, I get that
she makes you nuts.
169
00:05:43,540 --> 00:05:44,670
She makes me nuts.
170
00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:47,330
But could you just
make peace with Kathryn?
171
00:05:47,330 --> 00:05:49,380
[ Laughs ]
172
00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,420
You see,
that would be like
173
00:05:51,420 --> 00:05:53,960
using a cement-based grout
on a joint
174
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,120
instead of caulk.
175
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,710
Ah.
176
00:05:56,710 --> 00:05:58,880
I'm saying
it wouldn't work.
177
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,210
I'm just asking
for a small gesture.
178
00:06:01,210 --> 00:06:02,790
A peace offering.
Put on a pair of pants.
179
00:06:02,790 --> 00:06:04,000
My legs run hot!
180
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,210
Listen,
all Katie wants
181
00:06:05,210 --> 00:06:06,460
is a stress-free
Christmas.
182
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:08,460
Do it for your daughter
and your grandkids.
183
00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:10,750
All right.
I'll do it for them.
184
00:06:12,750 --> 00:06:15,170
Apple pie?
185
00:06:15,170 --> 00:06:16,170
How is it warm?
186
00:06:16,170 --> 00:06:18,040
I told you --
I run hot. Mm.
187
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,170
[ Indistinct conversations ]
188
00:06:20,170 --> 00:06:23,710
He wouldn't even play
"Real Horsewives" with me.
189
00:06:23,710 --> 00:06:25,920
That's crazy.
It's so fun.
190
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,830
Did you offer him
Donatella Morningstar?
191
00:06:27,830 --> 00:06:29,290
She's the breakout star
of the whole show.
192
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:30,710
[ Sighs ]
I didn't even have a chance.
193
00:06:30,710 --> 00:06:32,460
He just walked away.
194
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,830
[ Sighs ] I get a bad feeling
from that guy.
195
00:06:34,830 --> 00:06:36,290
Me too.
196
00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:37,790
You need to get
your act together
197
00:06:37,790 --> 00:06:39,500
and win Taylor back.
198
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,380
How?
199
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:42,880
She's super mad.
She won't talk to me.
200
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,000
It's Christmas.
201
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,040
Put a Secret Santa gift
in her locker.
202
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,000
Okay.
She won't know it's from you,
203
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,830
and when she loves it,
you pop out
204
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:52,380
and do your
smiley handsome thing.
205
00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,920
I'm really good
at smiley handsome.
206
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,710
Maybe the best
there ever was.
207
00:06:55,710 --> 00:06:56,920
But what do I get her?
208
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:58,080
I happen to know she wants
209
00:06:58,080 --> 00:06:59,960
a Tiffany
Infinity Bracelet.
210
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,580
All right.
I'm in.
211
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,380
I just have
one question. Mm-hmm.
212
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:06,250
Did Donatella Morningstar
launch her new saddle line yet?
213
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:08,710
She did.
And there was so much drama!
214
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:09,830
[ Sighs ] I can't believe
215
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,620
I missed it.
[ Chuckles ]
216
00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:13,880
♪♪
217
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,880
Check it out --
the cabinet is fixed.
218
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,210
And after my little talk
with your dad,
219
00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:20,210
so is Christmas.
220
00:07:20,210 --> 00:07:21,670
I wouldn't be so sure.
221
00:07:21,670 --> 00:07:23,380
Do you hear
them fighting?
222
00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:25,500
No, but they could have
sharpened candy canes
223
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:26,580
and shivved each other.
224
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,170
[ Footsteps ]
Oliver: Mom?
225
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:30,250
Have you seen
my Mouse King mask?
226
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,290
I saw it
in my office earlier.
227
00:07:32,290 --> 00:07:34,250
[ Chuckling ]
I'm fixing everything.
228
00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:39,920
Oh, dear.
229
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,000
Ah.
230
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:44,880
My mask!
231
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,790
Oh, yeah, uh,
listen, kiddo, I'm sorry.
232
00:07:46,790 --> 00:07:48,960
It kind of got all squished
in the excitement.
233
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,170
Oh.
Here, honey.
234
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,170
Yeah, uh,
but I can fix it.
235
00:07:52,170 --> 00:07:54,080
Katie:
What is going on in there?
236
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:59,330
Oh, my God.
What have you two done?
237
00:07:59,330 --> 00:08:01,120
Don't answer that.
238
00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,250
Please!
Don't answer that.
239
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,500
Fine, I won't answer.
240
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,830
But whatever did happen here
happened twice. [ Chuckles ]
241
00:08:07,830 --> 00:08:08,710
[ Sighs ]
Ugh!
242
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,580
I told you
to keep them apart.
243
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,540
They are the opposite
of apart, Greg!
244
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,420
I wanted you to have
a peaceful Christmas.
245
00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:22,460
All I did was ask your dad
to put some pants on! [ Sighs ]
246
00:08:22,460 --> 00:08:23,960
And I did.
247
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,330
But then they came
right back off again.
248
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:26,500
[ Chuckles ]
249
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,750
I appreciated
the gesture. Oh.
250
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:30,000
You know, we just
started reminiscing
251
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,210
about the good times,
252
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:32,790
and one thing
led to another.
253
00:08:32,790 --> 00:08:34,080
And another.
254
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,330
And most of the way
to another.
255
00:08:35,330 --> 00:08:37,250
Ugh.
Please stop.
256
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:40,170
Your mother decided that maybe
we should give it another go.
257
00:08:40,170 --> 00:08:42,250
Yeah.
No. Mnh-mnh.
258
00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:45,210
That is a terrible,
terrible idea.
259
00:08:45,210 --> 00:08:46,580
Right, Greg?
Terrible.
260
00:08:46,580 --> 00:08:48,250
[ Scoffs ]
We'll be fine.
261
00:08:48,250 --> 00:08:50,420
In fact, we're even thinking
about moving in together.
262
00:08:50,420 --> 00:08:52,380
Wait, not moving in together
in my office.
263
00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:53,380
An off-site location?
264
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:54,380
My place.
265
00:08:54,380 --> 00:08:55,920
Hooray for love!
266
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:57,620
[ Kathryn and Marty laugh ]
267
00:08:57,620 --> 00:09:02,210
♪♪
268
00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,790
I don't know
what my dad was thinking
269
00:09:03,790 --> 00:09:05,420
getting back together
with my mom.
270
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,540
He doesn't remember
how awful she was to him.
271
00:09:07,540 --> 00:09:08,670
But I do.
272
00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:11,460
That's why I'm so easygoing
with Greg.
273
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:14,420
Y-You are nicer to him than
you are other people, I guess.
274
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,880
Katie,
they're both adults,
275
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,620
and you get rid of your mom.
What's the big deal?
276
00:09:17,620 --> 00:09:19,120
Because the minute someone
better comes along,
277
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,500
she is going to take off
278
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,380
and break my dad's heart
all over again.
279
00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:24,380
That's cold.
You did the same thing to your wife!
280
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:26,380
That's right, because
a lesbian can do
281
00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:29,080
anything a heterosexual
can do, Doris.
282
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,710
I can't watch my dad
go through it again.
283
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:33,040
It took me a year
to get him back on his feet.
284
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,580
It's probably why
I'm so nurturing.
285
00:09:34,580 --> 00:09:36,790
Wow. You really
see yourself differently
286
00:09:36,790 --> 00:09:37,920
than the rest of the world,
huh?
287
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:39,080
Sounds like you have
to break them up
288
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:39,830
before he gets
in too deep.
289
00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:41,710
I'd love to, but how?
290
00:09:41,710 --> 00:09:43,710
Do something to remind them why
they're so bad for each other.
291
00:09:43,710 --> 00:09:45,710
Find a trigger.
292
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,830
Like on Christmas Eve,
when I want to get rid of Richard's mom,
293
00:09:47,830 --> 00:09:49,620
I bring out a picture
of her at my age.
294
00:09:49,620 --> 00:09:52,210
We look exactly the same.
Creeps everybody out.
295
00:09:52,210 --> 00:09:53,960
She bolts, Richard can't
look at me for a month,
296
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,000
everybody wins.
297
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,330
You know, when I was a kid,
298
00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:00,040
they fought about decorating
the Christmas tree.
299
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,790
He wanted big, blinking,
colorful lights,
300
00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,380
and she thought anything
but white bulbs was stupid.
301
00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:06,420
But I thought you said
Christmas morning
302
00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,250
was the happiest time
for your family.
303
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:10,750
It was, once I got the idea
to have two trees --
304
00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:12,960
one for him and one for her.
305
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,380
Because that's what a
9-year-old needs to worry about at Christmas --
306
00:10:15,380 --> 00:10:17,460
keeping Mom and Dad
from fighting.
307
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:20,670
So your answer lies in that
one tree in your living room. Exactly.
308
00:10:20,670 --> 00:10:23,000
I'll just use the spirit
and wonder of the holidays
309
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,080
to pit my parents against
each other and break 'em up.
310
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,250
Aww.
311
00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:32,250
♪♪
312
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:33,790
Here she comes.
313
00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:39,170
♪♪
314
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:45,670
♪♪
315
00:10:45,670 --> 00:10:46,960
[ Gasps ]
316
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,000
Oh, my God.
317
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:51,040
Go get her, kid.
[ Exhales sharply ]
318
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,290
What's that?
319
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:54,880
It's a Tiffany
Infinity Bracelet,
320
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,210
but there's no card,
321
00:10:56,210 --> 00:10:58,210
so it's from a Secret Santa,
I guess.
322
00:10:58,210 --> 00:11:00,210
I love it!
[ Chuckles ]
323
00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:01,380
Merry Christmas!
324
00:11:01,380 --> 00:11:02,540
It's from you?
325
00:11:02,540 --> 00:11:04,880
Whoa. He got her
the same present?
326
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:07,170
He didn't get her
the same present,
327
00:11:07,170 --> 00:11:08,420
he just took credit
for yours.
328
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,880
And now he's getting
my hug?
329
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,080
I have to tell her.
No.
330
00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:16,290
Remember last time you told her
that Pierce was a jerk?
331
00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:18,330
You ended up
looking like the jerk.
332
00:11:18,330 --> 00:11:19,540
So I just give up?
333
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,790
No.
334
00:11:24,790 --> 00:11:26,880
We need to come up
with a Secret Santa gift
335
00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,750
she'll know is from you.
336
00:11:28,750 --> 00:11:32,040
Then, when Pierce takes credit
for it, he's busted.
337
00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,170
So,
all we have to do is --
338
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:35,710
I have an idea, but let's see
if yours is better.
339
00:11:35,710 --> 00:11:37,040
It has to be
something romantic.
340
00:11:38,670 --> 00:11:40,290
What did you guys do
on your first date?
341
00:11:40,290 --> 00:11:42,250
Oh, so, we went bowling
and we made up
342
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:43,830
funny names for each other
to put on the screen.
343
00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:45,170
So she was "Lois Lane,"
344
00:11:45,170 --> 00:11:47,790
and I was
"Insert Player Two Name Here."
345
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:49,500
Keyboard
was very confusing.
346
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:50,920
That's it!
347
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,250
Get her a bowling shirt
with "Lois Lane" on it.
348
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:56,330
Whoa. Anna-Kat, you're like
a mini guidance counselor.
349
00:11:56,330 --> 00:11:58,170
Except you don't put Sambuca
in your coffee
350
00:11:58,170 --> 00:11:59,670
every time I walk
in your office.
351
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,830
Come on, let's wrap it up.
What's the rush?
352
00:12:04,830 --> 00:12:06,000
I just want to get
the tree trimmed
353
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,710
before Oliver's dance recital.
354
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:09,080
So you're at peace with your
parents getting back together?
355
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,670
Oh, yeah.
356
00:12:10,670 --> 00:12:12,500
I don't love
that "Oh, yeah."
357
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:14,170
I've heard it before.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
358
00:12:14,170 --> 00:12:15,250
Katie, you're still
on the pill, right?
359
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,830
Oh, yeah.
360
00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,330
[ Chuckles ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
361
00:12:21,330 --> 00:12:22,500
Why are you guys
looking at me?
362
00:12:25,710 --> 00:12:27,040
Sorry we're late.
363
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,620
I was just giving the Mouse King
a once-over.
364
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:30,920
I got one, too.
[ Chuckles ]
365
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,580
-Ugh.
-Here you go.
366
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:34,000
Wow.
367
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,540
It looks like nobody
has ever had sex on it!
368
00:12:36,540 --> 00:12:40,000
Well, the tree
is all decorated.
369
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,290
What do you think?
370
00:12:41,290 --> 00:12:43,170
-It's very pretty. Yeah.
-That's nice.
371
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:45,460
You sure?
Nothing that bothers you?
372
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,750
Dad, you've always been
a star man, right?
373
00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:49,330
You sure you want
that angel up there?
374
00:12:49,330 --> 00:12:51,210
Well, nothing
to fight over.
375
00:12:51,210 --> 00:12:52,920
An angel is just fine.
376
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,670
Like your entire life
was "just fine"
377
00:12:55,670 --> 00:12:57,670
after Mom chewed you up
and spit you out
378
00:12:57,670 --> 00:12:58,830
like a bad pistachio.
379
00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:02,290
Katie,
what are you doing?
380
00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:04,580
Just cherishing
a magical Christmas
381
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,620
with both of my parents.
382
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,330
Am I still allowed to do that,
Greg, or is this Russia?
383
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:10,830
Mom, what do you think
of the lights?
384
00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:13,790
They sure are big and colorful
and blinkey.
385
00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:15,880
Well, I know they make
your father happy.
386
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,830
Since when did you care
about that?
387
00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:18,920
My whole childhood,
388
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:21,290
you lived off of menthols
and Dad's misery.
389
00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:22,580
Why are we bringing
this up now?
390
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,000
I don't know.
It's the holidays.
391
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,460
And it's nice to take a walk
down Memory Lane.
392
00:13:26,460 --> 00:13:29,040
Katie --
Remember how you'd tell Dad to take 'em off,
393
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,830
and he'd refuse and tell you,
"You're not gonna be happy
394
00:13:31,830 --> 00:13:34,460
until there were two more balls
hanging from the tree."
395
00:13:34,460 --> 00:13:36,620
Ornaments, Anna-Kat.
396
00:13:36,620 --> 00:13:39,210
She's, uh, talking
about ornaments.
397
00:13:39,210 --> 00:13:41,710
Mom realizes she's doing this
in front of her children.
398
00:13:41,710 --> 00:13:43,920
Isn't that right, Mama?
Remember how you'd rip the lights off the tree
399
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:44,620
and throw them at Dad?
400
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:45,920
That was fun.
401
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,290
Do you want to give them
a little tug?
402
00:13:47,290 --> 00:13:49,080
Katie, stop.
Now, the lights are fine.
403
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,460
I know that you hate them.
404
00:13:50,460 --> 00:13:52,960
Here! Let me help you
pull them off!
405
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,920
[ Ornaments shattering ]
406
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,250
Oh, good, now I'm not
the only one in class
407
00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:59,290
whose mom hasn't had
a nervous breakdown.
408
00:13:59,290 --> 00:14:01,080
Thanks, Mom.
You've given me a lot to draw on
409
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,620
when I play the villain
in "The Nutcracker." Can we go do that now?
410
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,040
Why aren't you two fighting
about the tree?!
411
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,500
This is your tradition!
412
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:08,040
I think I'll start
my own tradition
413
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,460
by spending Christmas
at a friend's house.
414
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,250
[ Screams ]
415
00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:14,830
[ Sighs ]
416
00:14:14,830 --> 00:14:16,120
My Mouse King mask!
417
00:14:19,460 --> 00:14:21,420
This was your peaceful
Christmas?
418
00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:23,420
What's your idea for
a happy New Year? The Purge?
419
00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:27,330
Look what you did.
420
00:14:32,790 --> 00:14:34,040
[ Remix of Tchaikovsky's "Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays ]
421
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:38,210
[ Indistinct conversations ]
422
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,120
Hey, hey, hey.
423
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,290
Relax.
It's gonna be fine.
424
00:14:43,290 --> 00:14:46,250
Oh, yeah, I'm on in half
an hour, and I have no mask. Don't worry.
425
00:14:46,250 --> 00:14:48,330
You can fix anything
with duct tape.
426
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:49,670
Why are you so upset?
427
00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:50,880
Your parents are
falling in love again --
428
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:51,920
on Christmas.
429
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,210
[ Katie sighs ]
430
00:14:53,210 --> 00:14:55,830
Add a rescue dog,
maybe Tori Spelling,
431
00:14:55,830 --> 00:14:58,290
you've got yourself
the perfect TV holiday movie.
432
00:14:58,290 --> 00:14:59,500
You're just pushing her
on my dad
433
00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:01,210
because you want her
out of your office.
434
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:02,420
He's going to get
hurt again.
435
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:03,880
You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
436
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,960
I know my mom, and she's
gonna eat him alive.
437
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,830
She is like a lake
full of piranhas,
438
00:15:07,830 --> 00:15:09,670
and he is like...
439
00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:12,170
something that falls into
a lake full of piranhas.
440
00:15:12,170 --> 00:15:13,710
A small cow?
Thank you.
441
00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:15,290
He's like a small cow.
442
00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,750
[ Music continues ]
443
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,040
[ Conversations continue ]
444
00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:29,960
♪♪
445
00:15:31,540 --> 00:15:32,960
All right.
446
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,210
The elf is delivering
the bowling shirt.
447
00:15:35,210 --> 00:15:38,000
Taylor will open it up and know
it can only be from you.
448
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,460
Pierce will try to take credit.
449
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:40,960
And she'll know he's a liar.
450
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,750
Then you pop out,
kiss-kiss...
451
00:15:42,750 --> 00:15:43,880
And then we green-light
452
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:44,790
"Real Horsewives" Season Two.
453
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,540
I got her tickets?
454
00:15:50,540 --> 00:15:53,080
No, you bought her
a bowling shirt.
455
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:57,210
I thought you'd want to go
456
00:15:57,210 --> 00:15:58,670
since you're gonna be
on Broadway someday.
457
00:15:58,670 --> 00:16:00,540
Oh, my God, thank you!
458
00:16:00,540 --> 00:16:02,080
What is going on?
459
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:03,790
That tall guy over there
gave me 20 bucks
460
00:16:03,790 --> 00:16:05,620
to come over here and say,
"Thanks for the box."
461
00:16:07,170 --> 00:16:08,330
Pierce!
462
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:14,170
Dad...
Hmm?
463
00:16:14,170 --> 00:16:17,420
...you and Mom
shouldn't be together.
464
00:16:17,420 --> 00:16:19,540
Look, kiddo, I can take care
of myself.
465
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,170
Mom is just
making nice with you
466
00:16:21,170 --> 00:16:23,540
because she doesn't have
anywhere else to go.
467
00:16:23,540 --> 00:16:26,920
She is broke and looking for
a soft place to land.
468
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:28,290
What are you saying?
469
00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:31,170
You are like a drywall screw
and she's a driver.
470
00:16:31,170 --> 00:16:34,620
And then she's going to use you
until your head gets stripped,
471
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,380
and then she's gonna
leave you
472
00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:38,380
for one of those
fancy Torx screws.
473
00:16:40,330 --> 00:16:41,580
Now I understand.
474
00:16:41,580 --> 00:16:43,000
Mm-hmm.
475
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,750
But maybe she --
Dad...
476
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:48,000
I know you think
that you can fix anything,
477
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,250
but you cannot fix her.
478
00:16:51,580 --> 00:16:52,750
Mnh-mnh.
479
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:57,040
♪♪
480
00:16:59,790 --> 00:17:03,120
♪♪
481
00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:06,540
[ Quietly ] Your father
just told me
482
00:17:06,540 --> 00:17:08,250
he doesn't want me
to move in with him anymore
483
00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:10,120
and that he's
leaving tonight.
484
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,420
What did you say
to him?
485
00:17:12,420 --> 00:17:14,500
[ Whispering ]
All of this is a bad idea.
486
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:16,500
[ Scoffs ] And who are you
to say it's a bad idea?
487
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:18,420
-Ugh.
-Shh!
488
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:19,960
[ Sighs ]
We will finish this conversation
489
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,540
after Oliver's
performance.
490
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:23,040
-Shh!
-I was just telling her
491
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,080
that we need to stop talking.
Shh.
492
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,790
Did you ask Santa for a
roundhouse kick to the teeth?
493
00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:27,580
'Cause you're about
to get it.
494
00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:31,670
♪♪
495
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,920
You're on in 15 seconds.
496
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:38,420
There you are.
Did you fix it?
497
00:17:38,420 --> 00:17:40,500
Well, I'm not gonna use
the phrase "as good as new"...
498
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,000
Uh, yeah, how's that?
499
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:47,080
[ Muffled ]
Not great.
500
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:48,880
You're on!
Go, go!
501
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:55,040
♪♪
502
00:17:57,290 --> 00:17:58,540
[ Audience gasps ]
503
00:17:58,540 --> 00:17:59,920
Oh, my God.
504
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,880
I guess we can finish
that conversation now.
505
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:08,170
You need to get your nose
out of our business.
506
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:09,540
Why do you care
what we do?
507
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:11,830
I am not letting you chew him up
and spit him out
508
00:18:11,830 --> 00:18:12,880
like you did before.
509
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,210
What the hell
do you know?
510
00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,460
Lots!
I grew up in that house!
511
00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:18,580
-Shh!
-Ugh! We're in a lobby!
512
00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:21,710
I admit that things went south
between me and your dad,
513
00:18:21,710 --> 00:18:23,500
but we wanted
different things.
514
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,380
That is not gonna happen
this time.
515
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:26,460
Based on what?!
516
00:18:26,460 --> 00:18:27,710
Living with you!
517
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,380
Huh?
518
00:18:31,380 --> 00:18:34,250
Living with you and Greg
these past few months,
519
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:36,670
I've watched how you two
work together.
520
00:18:36,670 --> 00:18:38,830
I mean, you're -- you're totally
different, but -- but...
521
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:40,750
[ Scoffs ] I don't know.
You figure it out.
522
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:42,920
You talk things through.
523
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,580
You don't have a fight
and then fly off to another city
524
00:18:45,580 --> 00:18:47,920
to do tequila shots
with Jan-Michael Vincent.
525
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,210
[ Sighs ]
526
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,330
You taught me
what marriage is.
527
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:52,790
[ Chuckles ]
528
00:18:52,790 --> 00:18:54,670
I mean, I...
529
00:18:54,670 --> 00:18:58,000
I didn't get it the first time
around with your dad, but...
530
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,120
I think I get it now.
531
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,670
♪♪
532
00:19:06,330 --> 00:19:08,420
There you go.
533
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,380
Good as new.
And that's a watertight seal.
534
00:19:10,380 --> 00:19:12,460
You don't even need a shoe.
Thanks, Grandpa.
535
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:14,620
[ Quietly ] We're still going
to the hospital, right?
536
00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:15,620
Oh, yeah.
537
00:19:15,620 --> 00:19:16,830
Oh.
[ Sighs ]
538
00:19:16,830 --> 00:19:18,040
-Dad?
-Yeah.
539
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:19,620
I'd like you
to meet somebody.
540
00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,290
Her name is Kathryn.
541
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,710
I'm not gonna lie --
she's a lot,
542
00:19:23,710 --> 00:19:26,790
but I think you'd make
a great couple.
543
00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:27,830
[ Kathryn chuckles ]
544
00:19:27,830 --> 00:19:29,330
You were right.
545
00:19:29,330 --> 00:19:31,170
This would make
a good holiday movie.
546
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,290
Shh!
547
00:19:32,290 --> 00:19:33,580
Excuse me.
548
00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:35,420
I'm going to be in jail
for Christmas.
549
00:19:35,420 --> 00:19:41,500
♪♪
550
00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:48,040
♪♪
551
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,210
Despite my worst efforts,
everyone got what they wanted.
552
00:19:51,210 --> 00:19:53,380
I got my peaceful Christmas.
553
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:55,000
Greg is getting
his office back.
554
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,210
Taylor got that
over-priced bracelet,
555
00:19:57,210 --> 00:19:59,210
not to mention theater tickets
and a new boyfriend.
556
00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:01,710
Anna-Kat seems pretty excited
557
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:04,080
about that portable belt sander
my dad got her.
558
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:06,460
My mom got her soft landing.
559
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:09,330
Even Oliver kind of got
what he wanted --
560
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:11,000
to be the star of the show.
561
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,830
[ Laughs ]
They looped it!
562
00:20:12,830 --> 00:20:13,830
Oliver: Aah!
563
00:20:13,830 --> 00:20:15,380
Aah!
Aah!
564
00:20:15,380 --> 00:20:18,000
3,000 likes?!
565
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,460
We need to make a follow-up
right away.
566
00:20:20,460 --> 00:20:22,580
What do you think of
"Mouse King tries to dunk
567
00:20:22,580 --> 00:20:24,540
and pulls the hoop down
on top of himself?"
568
00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:25,500
[ Laughs ]
569
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,750
[ As Donatella Morningstar ] She
wasn't invited, so I was all,
570
00:20:34,750 --> 00:20:37,670
"Filly, don't get in my muzzle
with your cheap extensions!"
571
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,710
[ Laughs ]
572
00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:41,540
[ As Sparkles O'Donahue ]
You just broke the nasty meter, Donatella.
573
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,210
No one wants you here,
Sparkles.
574
00:20:43,210 --> 00:20:45,710
Your bloodline
has no champions.
575
00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:48,250
[ As pony ] Not for nothing,
but I hear your grandmother
576
00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:50,000
was sired by a donkey.
577
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,210
You two are just jealous
578
00:20:51,210 --> 00:20:53,040
because my bridle
has diamonds on it,
579
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,710
and my horseshoes
cost more than your stables.
580
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,420
[ As Donatella ] Get out before
I bite you in the withers!
581
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:01,880
[ Normal voice ]
Is that the butt?
582
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,250
[ Normal voice ]
[ Laughing ] No, the neck!
583
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:05,960
[ Chuckles ]
Drama and education --
584
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,210
this show has everything.
585
00:21:07,210 --> 00:21:08,920
[ Laughs ]
586
00:21:08,970 --> 00:21:13,520
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