All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e08 Trophy Wife.eng

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Yes!

I got the highest score
in the class

so I get to pick the movie
for "Feature Friday."

Congratulations,
Sweetheart.

You studied so hard
for that vocabulary test

and it paid off.

Franklin, we'll need
to brainstorm

movie options
during recess.

Okay, but the only movie
I've ever seen is "Soapdish."

Katie: Uch. Tara, Sage,
Jennifer, and Holly.

It's like if The Beatles
were made up entirely of Yokos.

Look at what
she's wearing.

She's not even wearing
a bra.

Who cares if I'm not wearing
a --

I'll have
you plant-based idiots know

that I am wearing a bra
today.

This is just as high
as they go now.

It's brave of you to share
something so sad,

but we weren't
talking about you.

Who else would you be insulting
if not me?

Her.

♪♪

How does she have wind blowing
gently through her hair?

We're in an enclosed space.

Who cares
about her hair?

Check out
all that...cleave.

Yowza.

Who is she?

Harper the home wrecker.

She's Insignia Vaillancourt's
new step-mom.

Not a name.
That's not a name.

She busted up Claude
and Michelle's marriage

and now she's prancing
around Westport

smiling at people,

volunteering
at the animal shelter.

It's disgusting.
[ Muttering ]

There's finally someone
they hate more than me.

Harper obviously married
for money.

-Mm-hmm.
-Yeah.

But you sure didn't.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, maybe she's just someone
they hate as much as me.

♪♪

I love seeing the Westport moms
freak out about Harper.

Nothing scares
those be-yatches

like a trophy wife
blowing into town.

They think their husbands
will trade them in

for a younger model, too.

That is so sad.

[ Laughs ]
It is funny.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, d-did you say sad?

Since I moved to this town,

these women have dedicated
their lives to judging me

and making me feel like
an outcast.

They make fun of your clothes,
your hair, your makeup,

the sound
of your pleather wallet

sliding out
of your pleather bag.

Sicking Harper on them is
my chance for a little payback.

Mm-hmm. Make them feel
like they make you feel.

You two aren't worried
about Greg or Richard

getting any ideas
about trading you in?

Greg would never cheat
on me.

Fool loves me too much.
[ Chuckling ]

And Richard has a healthy fear
of diseases.

Mm.
Oh, thank God for those herpes commercials

during "NCIS."

Ohh, hey, look.

Let's start messing with them
right now.

Ask me how I look
so young for my age.

Ask me loudly.

[ Loudly ] Angela,
you look so young for your age.

What's your secret?

[ Loudly ]
Oh, you wouldn't believe me.

Baby pee.

An infant's urine
is better than BOTOX.

I mean,
that's just science.

Science?
Isn't that what doctors use?

Sure is.
Just take a wet diaper

and rub it
all over your face

twice a night,
five to ten minutes.

[ Laughter ]

I mean,
for a fifty-five year old woman

you look fantastic!

[ Laughter ]

[ Quietly ] Do you think
that they're going for it?

[ Quietly ]
Just to be sure...

[ Loudly ] Oh, my --
You're sixty-five?!

Ow!

[ Normal voice ]
Grandma took her Geritol.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

I have to pick the perfect movie
for "Feature Friday."

Okay, so which one
of these movies

do you think
most represents me --

"Matilda,"
"The Sound of Music" --

Ooo, "The Sound of Music."

I once had a layover in Miami
with Christopher Plummer.

Mm.

He made my hills
come alive.

[ Chuckles ]

That one's
coming off the list.

Did you ever notice your mom
makes everything about herself?

No, Greg.
I've never met my mom.

Well, I've had enough.
She's living here now,

she needs to take an interest
in our lives.

She knows your name
and where we keep the vermouth.

That's as interested
as she gets.

Where are you going?
There's a new mom at school

and I'm going
to go welcome her

and encourage her
to get involved.

Oh, that's nice of you.

Uh-huh.

What's your ulterior motive?

Revenge.
Oh, the usual.

Will you guys help me
get Grandma

to stop thinking about herself
for one minute

and ask a question
about one of us?

Sure,
and while we're at it,

we can get her
to stop telling us

all the old-timey celebrities
she mile-highed with.

That would never happen.

I was being sarcastic.

Well, stop it.
It's confusing.

Come on, guys,
we can do this.

Teamwork.

Gooooooooo...!

I'll-get-you-guys-iTunes-
gift-cards-if-you-help-meeee...!

All: Gooooo Ottos!

♪♪

Hi. I'm Katie Otto.

My daughter Anna-Kat
is in the same class

as your stepdaughter --

Em...blem?

Oh, Insignia.
Mm.

[ Chuckles ]
Emblem isn't a name.

[ Chuckles ]
Of course, I feel so silly.

I made you some cookies.

Aw, that is so sweet.

No one's really
reached out to me

since I moved here.

They just look at me
and whisper.

Harper,
I don't just have cookies.

I have advice.

I was iced out
by the Westport moms

when we first moved here too,

but then I threw
a fantastic Spring Gala

and now everyone loves me.

So, what should I do?

You need to put your stamp
on the school

with a high-profile
volunteer gig.

Do you work?
[ Laughs ] You're funny.

I like that.

[ Laughs ]

And you need to get to know
all the moms.

And dads, too.

I love that idea.
Mm-hmm.

I always say, "Volunteering
is our soul's way

of animating gratitude
for our blessings."

Monogram is so lucky
to have you as a step-mom.

Insignia.
Her, too.

♪♪

Oof. I had a day
you would not believe.

You know
what I can't believe?

How good I look
in these jeans.

[ Chuckles ] Am I right?

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Hey, Grandma,
quick question.

For my tattoo --
do I go full-sleeve

or just a treasure map
on my back?

A tattoo?

[ Chuckles ]

I'll show you a tattoo.

[ Sighs ]

I got this in Dublin.

It's a rainbow
with a pot of gold at the end.

I don't see a pot of gold.

Oh, well,
that part's hidden.

♪♪

[ Crying ]

Shhhh.

[ Crying ]

Shhh!

♪♪

Holly: Hey, Katie.

Holly. Jennifer, Sage --
Darth Vegan.

Man,
what smells like --

Baby pee!
They're doing it!

These idiots are doing it!

You all look so great!

You really must be
pampering yourselves.

I gotta remember to tell that
to Doris and Angela.

Good morning.
This is Harper

and she's volunteered
to be room mom

for Mr. Lombardo's class.

Oh, the room mom has to have
a ton of interaction

with us parents
so I think we need someone

who knows their way around
more.

But thanks!
[ Chuckling ]

That's why Harper
wanted the job.

To get to know
the parents better.

I think
it's a capital idea.

Aww, thanks,
Principal Ablin.

She knows my name.

[ Chuckles ]

And thank you, Katie.

I never would
have volunteered for room mom

if it wasn't
for your guidance.

I can't wait to spend
a lot of time

with all
you amazing moms.

And your husbands!

♪♪

After careful consideration,

I have chosen my movie
for "Feature Friday."

Franklin,
the envelope, please?

This is a clipboard.

I told you to grab
an envelope.

My mom said
I can't use envelopes anymore.

I like the taste of the glue
too much.

Oh, Franklin.

If you didn't have
those Ed Sheeran good looks.

And the winner is...

Please be "Soapdish."
Please be "Soapdish."

Please be "Soapdish."

"The Goonies"!
[ Groans, stomps ]

Perfect movie! The fat kid
was named Chunk,

the slow guy
was named Sloth.

Oh, it was back
when you could just call 'em

like you saw 'em.

[ Chuckles ]

Are you reading
a school email?

I thought you said we were
forbidden from doing that.

Mnh-mnh,
it's from Harper.

She's calling
a mandatory parent meeting

of "The Feelings Council"
tomorrow.

What's that?
No idea.

But those Westport dopes
will be there feeling bad

about themselves,
so I'm in.

You're a mom,
you have a job --

is undermining their marriages
the best use of your time?

You make time for things
that are important, Greg.

♪♪

You're first, Grandma.
Pick a card

and ask me a question.

Well, this seems silly,
but okay.

If you could have dinner
with anyone, dead or alive,

who would it be?

-Well --
-Marilyn Monroe.

No, I'm supposed to --
She had an intimate relationship

with some of the most powerful
men in America.

[ Chuckles ] And plus,

I'd love to compare notes
on Brando.

No, Kathryn,
the other person -- Next question!

Oh.
Well, easy: flight.

Why would I waste a superpower
on invisible

when I look like this?

[ Chuckles ]

Bury the body
in the desert,

burn the car,
head for Rosarito.

That's what you would do
if someone asked you

to go Dutch
on the first date?

Yeah.

How is this even
a question?

I'd save myself
and let the school bus

go over the cliff.

[ Chuckles ]

You're right,
this really is fun.

♪♪

Feelings Council
is an ancient ritual,

born at Coachella Fest,

to create
an inclusive space

through community, mindfulness,
and gratitude.

Isn't she fun?

She's so free and open.

Every woman her age is.

Tinder is swimming
with Harpers.

Do you want me to send you
the link?

I'm gonna send you
the link.

[ Gong crashes ]

Did you all feel that?

We just raised
our universal vibration.

[ Chuckles ]
Did you feel that, honey?

Oh, I felt it.

I so felt it.

I felt it, too.

Sweetie, someone asked me
the other day if I was bulimic.

[ Chuckles ]

The Class Council
must start

with our opening rituals --

The gong,

an offering of water
for our ancestors...

and a talking stick.

Now, in council,

only the being holding
the talking stick may speak.

She kind of makes you feel
old and ugly, doesn't she?

Not the universal you.

You, in particular.

You're gonna pay
for this,

and I know you can't afford it
because you're a stupid poor.

[ Gasps ]

Uh-uh-uh.

And like I tell
my husband's first wife,

let's not name call.

[ Sighs ]

I know some of my ideas
may seem strange

because I'm from
a much younger generation.

[ Chuckles ]
No you're not,

what year were you born?

1993.
How about you?

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

I was born t--

[ Laughing ] Can't talk
without the talking stick.

So...

Harper, you are just
so wonderful.

I wish that there were
more women from your generation

coming into our community.

Hear, hear.

Oh.

So, Claude, how did you meet
the true love of your life

who rekindled your manhood
and made you realize

that your first marriage
was a mistake?

Uh, my first wife,
um...

[ Chuckles ]

Uh...
Michele.

Her name is Michele.

Talking stick.

Talking stick you!

Michele wanted me to get
into yoga,

and Harper was the instructor
for our introductory class.

You always said yoga would be
great for my lower back.

So where do you teach?
I would love to keep --

Honey,
you're hogging the stick.

Here's a great yoga stretch.

Okay.

[ Exhales deeply ]

[ Moaning ] Oh, yeah.

Okay, yeah.

Right there.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Feels good to get involved
in school.

Katie:
It was a huge success

even though she banned clapping
in the classroom.

She did away
with clapping?

Yep. So now if we agree
on something

and want to show
our appreciation,

we have to do this --

[ Blowing ]
Why?

So no one feels less appreciated
than another person.

And then you lunged
at her.

How many people did it take
to pull you off?

Did they have to call in
the gym teachers?

No, I kept it together

because the Witches of Westport
feel so bad about themselves.

It was really beautiful.

They're going insane
trying to out-Harper Harper.

♪♪

[ Machine buzzes ]

♪♪

[ Tearing, screaming ]

[ Panting ]

♪♪

[ All groaning ]

As long as they're unhappy,
I'm happy.

Oh God.
That sounds terrible.

Am I terrible?

No.

I'm good.

I'm perfect.

Anna-Kat, what's wrong?

Insignia's mom said
I can't show my movie in class.

Harper? Why would she ban
"The Goonies"?!

It's the perfect movie.

She said
that it's inappropriate

and that I need to meditate
on why I'd choose something

that doesn't represent
my best self.

She probably didn't realize
that you're my daughter.

I'll email her
and straighten it out.

Thanks, Mama.

[ Sighs ] For once
there's someone at the school

that doesn't hate me.

What about the lady
at the front desk?

She likes you.
I was discussing

the other idiot who works
the front desk with her,

and then I just realized
she changed her hair.

I'm sure you now see
why "The Goonies"

is so important
to Anna-Kat.

XO, Katie.

[ Whoosh ]

Sent.

I think it's a nice mix
of "sweet"

and "don't cross me."

Aw, that's how I first
described you to my parents.

[ Computer chimes ]
She replied already.

Harper: Dear Katie, your fire
for your daughter

is inspiring --

Blah, Blah, Blah...

"The Goonies"
promotes lying, greed

and a troubling
pro-pirate agenda.

My inner-voice tells me

Anna-Kat clearly needs
my guidance and influence.

Inner voice?

Katie: What kind of weirdo
has an inner voice?

Uh-oh.

Harper: For good measure,
I've looped in Principal Ablin.

Love and Light.

Looping in Ablin?
Don't loop in --

[ Computer chimes ]
Principal Ablin: Ahoy, Maties!

Though I've never seen
"The Goonies,"

I totally trust
Harper's judgment.

Smiley face emoji.

Prayer hands emoji.

Principal Ablin
AKA "King Of School."

Anna-Kat put hours
into picking her movie.

Also,
this is a parent issue,

so let's keep it
between us.

[ Whoosh, computer chimes ]

Harper: Dear Katie,
perhaps you're right.

Damn right I'm right!

I've looped
in all the parents.

Let's put it
to the hive mind

and make it
a community decision. [ Groans ]

Community decision?
That's not gonna go your way.

[ Computer chiming ]

-Great call, Harper!
-Totally agree.

Tara: I vote for anything
against Katie Otto.

Middle finger emoji.

Greg?

My screaming pillow,
please.

[ Muffled scream ]

Thank you.
[ Computer chimes ]

Harper: Community,
your feelings are felt.

"The Goonies"
will not be shown.

Seems like the hot monster
you created

has turned the villagers
against you.

As a member
of this "community,"

I'm invoking my sacred right
to call a gathering

of the Feelings Council.

Tomorrow.
During recess.

Be there!
[ Whoosh, computer chimes ]

Bruce: I'll be there.
And Harper,

I'm just circling back to get
the info on your yoga studio.

[ Computer chimes ]

Tara: That's okay. We're good!

♪♪

Did you get Harper
to let me show "The Goonies"?

I am going to a meeting about it
this morning

and everything
is going to be fine.

You're the best.

Nothing bad could ever happen
to me when you're around.

No pressure there.

[ Groans ]
This is just so hard.

I guess if ruining
people's lives was easy,

everyone would do it.

Now I got to go rally
the size twos

against that size zero.

I'm actually a double zero
in designer clothes

and a child's twelve
at The Gap.

Great job getting through
to her.

Kathryn,
she wasn't talking about you.

Why not?
You only seem to be interested in yourself.

Well,
what do you want me to do?

Change
my whole personality?

Maybe just try listening.

Or asking the other person
about their day

before you talk
about yours.

Okay.

Uh, how was your day,
Greg?

Oh, thanks for asking, Kathryn.
My day --

[ Cellphone ringing ]
Ah. To be continued.

Hello?

No, no, no. No, now is
a perfect time

to talk about bundling
my Internet and my phone.

Uh-huh.

♪♪

Ladies, I can't afford
this expensive gym,

so I'm on my free tour,
and I ditched the attendant

in the locker room.

This will be quick.

[ Grunting, yelling ]

[ Panting ]

What do you want, Katie?

Yeah, why are you here?

I need you to back me up
at Feelings Council today

about "Feature Friday."

Harper has gone
way too far.

[ Yells ]

So let me get this straight.

Now that Harper
is bothering you,

it's suddenly a problem?

Exactly.

We're not helping you,
Katie.

But you'll be helping
yourselves, too.

Today it's saying no
to "Goonies,"

but what if tomorrow
it's saying no to BOTOX?

Because she wants moms
to have facial expressions.

[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]

See? You all sound,
but don't look, surprised.

[ Yells ]

[ Breathes heavily ]

You know, all of our problems
would be solved

if you just got rid of Harper
as room mom.

It's super confusing
when good ideas

come out
of your awful face.

♪♪

Before Katie starts,

I'll be approving all movies
and classroom snacks

from now on,
so just text me.

And if you have
any other questions or ideas,

you can put them
in here...

I call it
a "thought cradle."

Well, I call it a shoe box

that you decorated
like an 8th grader.

So, I called
a Feelings Council --

Okay, you need
the talking stick.

-So give it to me.
-I don't have it.

I didn't call this meeting.

[ Groans ] Fine.

It's really got to be
a stick.

Ugh.

A-ha!

"Beef stick."

How long have you had that
in your purse?

It doesn't matter.

It expires in 2046.

There's nothing wrong
with "The Goonies."

It is a celebration
of friendship, perseverance,

and accepting people
who are different than you.

[ Sighs ] I must stop
this Feelings Council --

No talking
without the talking stick.

It's time
for you to listen.

Because this is our time.

This is our time
in here.

That was a quote
from the movie.

It rallied everyone
together.

I'm kind of doing
the same thing here.

[ Chuckles ]

Anyhow, Harper,
it's time for you to listen.

"I feel" you need

to stop shoving your ideas
down our throats.

"I feel" like your side-cleave
is way more inappropriate

than a delightful
'80s movie classic.

[ Blowing ]

And I feel that
this nonsense is stupid.

[ Applause ]

Okay, I see
what's going on here.

You're all mad
because I'm young

and I produce more collagen
than I know what to do with.

I believe the Council
can call for a vote

of "No Feeling"
and the leader can be removed.

You can't vote me out.

[ Laughing ]
I am Feelings Council.

Bup!

No talking
without the stick.

Okay, you know what?

I lied!

I do have
the talking stick.

[ Sighs ]
When you're a mother, like me,

you need to be very careful
about --

Uh -- Oh!

You have been a mom
for two months!

Stop giving
parenting advice

or I will knock you
all the way back to Coachella.

[ Scoffs ]

I am going to talk
to Principal Ablin

and have Insignia transferred
to the other class.

Ladies, we put aside
our differences

and worked together
to drive away

the supple room mom.

Maybe this is a new beginning
for us.

Yes, maybe it can be.

I agree.

I mean, Katie,
you're awful,

but at least I know
you can't steal my husband.

[ Laughter ]

Tara, that is one
of the nicer insults

you've ever said to me.

What do you say we make
an effort

to turn over a new leaf?

I agree.

Ooh, this could be
so much fun.

We could flip tires
together.

We're doing
a cabbage soup cleanse.

Oh, of course we're gonna
have to find someone else new

to hate.
You can help us pick them.

[ Gasps ]
You can be one of us!

Katie: Oh, God.
The only thing worse

than them not liking me
is them liking me.

Now that we're all besties,

I should tell you guys
we were messing with you

the other day.

Baby pee does nothing
for the skin.

Other than make you
smell like a ball pit

at Chuck E. Cheese.

[ Gasping ]

I can't believe you.

What kind of a person
does that?

I have pee on my face.

We're back
to hating you.

Everyone hates me again.

That feels right.

♪♪

You're the best mom ever.

I've got a mug of wine
to prove it.

Congratulations to you too.

The kids said my mom asked you
how your day was

and she almost stuck around
to hear the answer.

Baby steps.
I'm happy with that.

Ask yourself
whether you are happy

and you cease to be so.

That's a John Stuart Mill quote.
How do you know that?

[ Chuckles ]
Ah.

I read your book.

When did you read
my book?

Over at Spencer's.

I mean, he bought
all those copies,

and you are
my son-in-law.

I just -- I just wanted
to see what you were up to.

Wow!

-Mm-hmm.
-Thank you.

Oh, you know --
you know my favorite part?

I'd love to hear it.

When the UPS man
delivered the books,

he called me

a "better-put-together
Kate Jackson"

from "Charlie's Angels."

[ Chuckles ]

-Baby steps.
-Yeah.

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