All language subtitles for American Housewife s03e03 Cheaters Sometimes Win.eng

[ Sighs ]
Hey, guys.

Well, hey!

How was work?
What event was this?

Retirement party.

Oh. How'd it turn out?
Was he happy?

He's retired.
His kids have moved out.

He's livin' my dream, man!

Tacos again, huh?

Yeah, but tonight, it's
with lettuce-leaf shells.

I read it on Goop.
It's how Gwyneth makes hers.

Why can't you just go online

and look at boobs
like other husbands?

Hey, you started working
and put me in charge of dinners,

but you are welcome to --

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I'll be good.

Mmm!

Lettuce.

Oliver, why are you doing
practice tests for the S.A.T.?

You're two years away.

I'm getting an early jump
on things.

I'm gonna need a perfect score
to get into Harvard.

Mnh-mnh, we bought
that book for Taylor.

No, thank you!

You need to take these
practice tests

if you're gonna
get into college.

You'll notice Dad has stopped
saying "good" college.

I've told you this
many times.

I'm just not
college material,

and there's nothing wrong
with that.

Greg, Taylor says there's
nothing wrong with it.

So I guess that's the end
of the conversation.

Teenage girls always have
the best parenting instincts.

Thanks for setting us
straight, Taylor.

You're welcome!
I'm changing the Wi-Fi password.

I'll reveal one character
for each hour you study.

Fine-ah!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Surprise.

What are you
doing here, Mom?

Can't I just drop by
to see my family?

It's not a drop-by if you
have five pieces of luggage.

You know that I like to
have wardrobe choices.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, I wish I could be
more like you,

just rolling around
in velour every day.

Hi, Grandma!

Taylor!

Would you help me
with my bags?

Mm-hmm!

I'll just go get settled
in the guest room.

That's my office.

She thinks my office
is a guest room.

She also thinks a mojito
and a pack of cigarettes

is a balanced meal.

Mom, it's not that we're
not happy to see you.

It just might not be
the best time for a visit.

I have a new job, and the kids
are getting into school.

Uh, sweetie,

I hear you,
and I completely understand.

Which is why I plan to be
a big help around the house

while I'm here.

Taylor.

Smile.

Pretty people
should never frown.

Sorry, Grandma,

but Mom and Dad are trying
to force me to go to college.

Well, that's stupid.

All right, come with me.

Greg, walk me through
this again.

You'll never get away with it,
you'll get 20 years to life,

and no parole.

Maybe I'll wait till Anna-Kat
gets into high school.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, Taylor,
these are your good years.

You don't have to
waste them on college.

Finally,
someone who gets it.

No, you're at your
peak energy, your --

your peak appearance.
Travel.

You could walk into
any bar in Ibiza

and end up riding around
on some rich man's yacht

for the next two years.

Ooh.
Do I get to pick the rich guy?

Not usually.

Mom, you said you were
going to be helpful.

This is not helpful.

What?
I'm just giving advice.

That's what
grandmothers do.

Not in a weirdly short robe,
they don't.

Taylor,
go get ready for school.

Fine, but I won't
learn anything.

How long are you
staying with us?

I only ask because you brought
a margarita machine.

Oh, yeah, that's
the Jimmy Buffett,

the Jaguar of at-home
blended-drink makers.

[ Chuckles ]
Mm.

Oh, which reminds me,
Katie.

I'm gonna need a ride
to Trader Joe's

for limes and rim salt.

I'm not going to
take anyone anywhere.

Today is my first day off
in weeks,

and I am going to soak up every
moment of "The Bachelor."

Will Karen F. get a rose?
Will Karen M. get a rose?

Who's there for
the right reasons?

You get a rose, and you get
a rose, and you get a rose!

[ Laughs ]
Anna-Kat, are you okay?

You seem kind of revved up.

Grandma's letting me
have coffee.

Mom!
Are you insane?

You cannot give
a nine-year-old coffee.

You're overreacting.

And if she has
any trouble sleeping,

I'll just give her a few
flakes of a Kloni.

It's an old
stewardess trick.

You cannot say stuff like that
in front of the kids.

You are such
a bad influence.

Oh, stop it.

People said the same thing
about Galileo.

Kathryn, I must say, I'm
impressed by the reference.

Greg, everyone at Katie's
high school knew

that Galileo Horowitz
was not the bad seed

some teachers
made him out to be.

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

Principal Ablin.

Okay. I will stop by
your office

when I drop the kids off
at school.

Oliver, get down here!

What was that?

My day off
being blown to bits.

Principal Ablin says
he needs to talk to me

about a very serious matter
involving Oliver.

What did you do?

I don't know.

He probably wants to give me
an award or something.

It's not
for community service.

Am I right?
I'm not going to high-five that.

Does this mean you're not
taking me to the store?

I was never taking you
to the store.

Right.
Everyone, get in the car!

Anna-Kat?

Yes, Grandma?
Piece of advice.

Never have kids.

On it.

♪♪

Oliver handed in this birdhouse
yesterday in shop class.

Wow!
You built that?

Great job.
No.

This birdhouse
was purchased at a store.

Oh, no, I don't think
Oliver would do that.

I just bought this
at Izzo's Hardware.

But I really don't
know him that well.

Oliver cheated.

I am so
disappointed in you.

I'm sorry. I tried
building one on my own.

It just kept falling apart.

Oliver will repeat shop class
this summer,

and this will go on
his permanent record.

His one-week suspension
begins immediately.

Immediately?

Is there any way that we
can start it tomorrow?

You see,
today is my day off.

Mrs. Otto, you're talking to a
man who doesn't take days off.

Don't you get
the whole summer off?

Yes.

And a great deal
of holidays.

I'm so screwed.

If Harvard ever sees this,
they'll never let me in. [ Sighs ]

This could destroy
my whole future.

Well, you should have thought
of that before you cheated.

Now I'm gonna be stuck
at some dead-end

loserville university
like...

ugh, Cornell.

I can't believe
you did that.

You always say cheating
is the sign of a winner.

I never say that.

Anna-Kat, I just saw you take
out money from under the board.

Cheating is not okay.

But Mama says it is.
I never said that.

♪♪

She cheated!
So?

What do you mean, "so"?
She cheated!

Kids today don't even
understand winning

because everyone is given
a stupid trophy.

So, if she wants to win and
breaks a few rules to do it,

I don't see
a problem with it.

I think that's gonna come back
and bite us on the ass.

Mnh-mnh.

Ohhh.

Ohhhh.

What am I gonna do?

We'll talk to your dad
and figure it out.

You're gonna tell Dad?

Of course
I'm gonna tell him.

I wouldn't.
He's definitely gonna blame you.

Hey!
I'm not the one who cheated.

You did.
You're the one who's in trouble.

And you got suspended
on my day off.

Now all my important plans
are ruined.

You get to watch TV while
I'm home from school.

Not with my pants off,
I can't!

♪♪

Nice delivery, Taylor.

Thanks, Grandma.

You have the potential
to lead

the glamorous life
of a stewardess.

Kathryn, they now prefer to be
called flight attendants.

Flight attendants?

Oh. [ Scoffs ]
Please.

You know, everything was perfect
before the lawsuit,

then they started hiring
all those uggos.

You said you came here to help,
but you're not helping.

You're the worst influence.

You know what?

I think I need
a bigger glass.

She is helping!

She's helping me come up with
another plan other than college.

There is no other plan.
College is the plan.

You're studying
for the S.A.T.s.

We're your parents,
and we know what's best for you.

Speaking of, Greg,

you should know what happened
with Principal Ablin

at school today.

[ Luthor chewing ]

Anna-Kat, that's not how
we finish our dinner.

But Mama always says --

Let's not "Mama always says"
right now.

Well, at least you're
not like your mom,

giving them advice that's gonna
totally derail their lives.

Oh [bleep]

So, what did Principal Ablin
want to tell you?

Oliver's getting an award.

Oh.
[ Blender whirs, shuts off ]

Mom, that's a vase.

Yeah.

Instead of cooking meals
or helping with laundry,

my mom is telling Taylor
to do what she did --

not go to college and trade
on her looks and body.

Moms are the worst.

You know, my mom
is scared of dogs,

which is why I bought
German Shepherds

and asked for them
to be extra German.

Well, my mom couldn't be
more helpful.

She cooks, she cleans --

Shut up.
Stop talking right now.

If you don't have anything
destructive to say,

don't say anything at all.

And what am I going to
do about Oliver?

I have to hide his suspension
until I can fix it.

Otherwise,
Greg is going to blame me.

Ugh!
That kid is such an idiot.

Can I order something?

Cheaters get the garnish.

That's it.

Well, I have to go to work.

Yep, me, too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You can't come with me.

I have to go throw a kid's
first birthday party,

and you can't go home
because Dad might see you.

So, Doris is going
to look after you.

No. No, Mom, please.

Anything else.
Pick a bone, you can break it.

Sorry.

Next time, just build
the stupid birdhouse.

I want you
to meet my dogs.

I even have
an outfit for you.

[ Dog growling ]
Call him off!

No, he likes you!
He's just playing!

[ Dogs barking ]

Oh, Principal Ablin!

What a surprise
bumping into you.

This is my office.
I'm always here.

Well, I was just in
the neighborhood,

and I thought I would
drop off some cupcakes

that I made just for you.

You can't bribe me
with cupcakes!

Especially not with that
frosting-to-cake ratio!

I like more frosting.

So, I guess this balloon sword
doesn't do anything for you?

No.

Vvvr!

[ Screaming ]

[ Dogs barking ]

I'd call them off,
but they're totally untrained!

♪♪

You know, even though
you're showing

a lot of natural ability,

you don't want to become
a stewardess right away.

Yes, I do.
It's the best job in the world.

Well, of course it is.

But first,
just take a few years off.

You know, Dubai wasn't really
popping when I was young,

but it seems like a fun place
to make mistakes.

This.

This is my college
right here.

Why are you here again?

Oh, I just missed you
and the kids terribly.

I'm serious.
Ugh.

I'm serious.

[ Exhales sharply ]

I'm serious.

Well, you're just gonna
have to believe me.

Well, you need to
stop putting

terrible ideas into
my daughter's head.

Well, at least I'm putting
something in her head.

What is that supposed
to mean?!

I don't know,
I'm just firing back!

So...

how was your day?

Really, Mom?

Like I couldn't
hear you laughing

over FaceTime with Doris?

I talked to Principal Ablin,
he's still not budging,

and your dad cannot find out
about your suspension.

So, you're gonna spend a couple
more days with Doris.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dad, I got suspended.

I can't go back there.

Suspended?

I cheated in shop class.
How?!

I bought a birdhouse
and passed it off as my own.

I'm so disappointed
in myself.

But you know who I'm more
disappointed in?

Mom.

For setting such
a bad example.

Hey!

No, you let our kids know

it was okay to cheat, and now
they're paying the price.

Plus, you tried to
keep it from me.

In my defense, I keep tons
of things from you.

Wh--

If Harvard ever finds out,

there's no way
I'm getting in.

I tried talking to
Principal Ablin,

and he still
wouldn't listen.

What am I gonna do, Dad?

I'll talk to Ablin,
educator to educator.

But before that,
you're gonna have to do what

you should have done
in the first place.

You're gonna build
that birdhouse.

I don't care if it
takes you all night.

Here, Mama.

I don't want
my dolls anymore.

But you're their mommy.

I was,
but Grandma's right.

I'm not having kids.

They're not worth it.

So many disappointments.

♪♪

Educator to educator,
give him another chance.

After all,
it's only shop class.

I have had enough of all
this shop-class bashing.

You may mock it --
No, I wasn't mocking.

Shop class is an essential
part of the curriculum.

I understand that.
I was only saying that --

I myself was a very
poor student,

but I found myself
in shop class.

The smell of sawdust,
the whir of the miter saw.

I built this desk myself.

In fact, everything
you see in this room,

built with my own
two hands.

I can't tell
if you're joking.

You can show yourself
out the door.

That I also built!

Okay.

This class was supposed
to be an easy "A,"

and instead it ruined
everything! I'm sorry, Oliver.

Sometimes you have
to just own up

and take responsibility
for your actions. Mm-hmm.

Isn't that right, honey?

I texted you a frowny face
and a heart.

How much more responsibility
can I take?

Oliver, you could always become
a stewardess with Taylor.

You can pick a fun hub, you two
could get an apartment together.

Uh, maybe work for Lufthansa,

the Harvard of the airlines.

Oh, look.

The captain just turned on

the "Shut Your
Friggin' Mouth" sign.

Mom, I'm gonna
ask you again.

Why are you even here?

Like I said -- to visit.

You never just come
for a visit.

And because I rented
my apartment

to some Germans on Airbnb.

You rented
your apartment?

For how long?

Oh, that's tough to say.

It could be a while.

Yeah, the Germans seem
to be putting down roots.

One of them is running
for city council.

Why in the world would you
rent your apartment out?

Well, if you must know,

my pension from Pan Am
didn't exactly pan out.

Are you broke?
Not broke.

No, I am definitely keeping
the Germans' security deposit.

I can't believe it.

Your life is a mess and you
are giving my kids advice?

I was just trying to help!

Always in the wrong ways!

Oh, like you're so
great yourself!

Yeah, you always complain about
Grandma being a bad influence,

but the apple didn't
fall far from the sauce.

Yeah, you don't need
to go to college.

You're all set.

You know, Taylor
makes a good point.

You're judging your mom
for being a poor influence

on the kids, and she is,
but you're just as bad.

That is not true.

It totally is.

You condone cheating,
manipulation,

grape-stealing in
the supermarket.

Oh, that isn't stealing.

No, that's hospitality

that is factored into
the cost of doing business.

Stealing grapes with my kids

was the only thing
I was looking forward to.

Now that's bad?

Feeling really good about
dying a spinster.

Right there.

Generational bad influence
in action.

You're like your mom.

Well, what do you know?

You grew up to be
just like me.

[ Retching ]

[ Sighs ]

I think that's all of it.

[ Toilet flushes ]

All she said was --

Greg, please.

I don't have anything left
to throw up.

I have dedicated my life to
not being like my mother.

How did this happen?

Listen,
it happened to me, too.

I never wanted to be
like my dad.

Next thing you know, I'm putting
an "I Brake for Chaucer"

bumper sticker
on my attache.

[ Sighs ]

Is everything okay?

Oh, my God.

I am just like her.

I always ask if everything's
okay without really caring.

I care.

Oh, my God.

I'm just like my mother.

I double down even
when I'm lying.

So, this behavior
is hereditary.

It's in the genes.

Some families pass on
high blood pressure.

Yours passes on
terribleness.

Mom, Greg might be
onto something.

This has got to stop.

I cannot pass this down
to my kids.

You're right.
No, this ends today.

Do you really mean that,
or are you just doubling down?

I don't even know
anymore.

Listen, I recognize
the situation that you're in

is partially my fault.

The whole "cheating
is for winners" thing

might have been
a mixed message.

Yeah, but I also should've
been smart enough

not to cheat when I want
to go to Harvard.

What am I gonna do?

What you're gonna do
is not let one mistake

derail your whole life.

And, Taylor, I may not have
given you the best advice.

What are you talking about?
Your life was awesome.

It was.
Oh, it really was.

[ Chuckles ]
Trust me, you get a chance

to spend a weekend in Tahiti
with Ricardo Montalban,

you take it.

[ Chuckles ]
Story for another time.

Mm-hmm.
The point is...

[ Sighs ]

You need to go
to college.

What for?

I mean, I'll just do
what you did.

Your life was amazing.

Uh-huh, but if you
go to college,

then you'll have other
options for when your airline

goes bankrupt, taking your
pension with it,

and you won't wind up
broke with six Germans

crammed in your apartment
ordering weird movies

with your iTunes
like "FernGully"

while you're two states away,
sponging off your kid.

[ Sighs ]

It's just a real good idea
to have a back-up plan

'cause you might not be
as lucky as me

and get a daughter
like I did.

And then I can visit you
in college.

Oh, frat boys love me.

[ Sighs ]

Right?
Yeah. Yeah.

Well,
if I go to Cornell,

I'll be next
to Niagara Falls,

so when I get too depressed,
I'll just hop in a barrel

and throw myself over.

Oliver, why do you have to be
so melancholy all the time?

Wait,
did I use that right?

I did.

Oh, no!

I'm learning things.

How long is your mom
gonna sleep?

I have to get into my office
sometime today.

Mm.
She and Mama have so much in common

that maybe if we open up
a package of cinnamon rolls,

she'll wake up, too.

[ Door opens ]
[ Giggles ]

Well, I better be going.
[ Chuckles ]

Thank you, Kathryn,
for an unforgettable night.

Oh, no, thank you,
Principal Abs-lin.

Ohhh.

Yeah.
Okay, then.

[ Laughs ]

Oliver,
your record is wiped clean.

I did a little
woodworking of my own.

Grandma,
you're the best.

Oh.

See? I told you
I could be helpful.

That was some move.

You don't think you
got into Duke

just because of your
field hockey, do you?

Honey...

[ Snickers ]

♪♪

Just because Nana
used her nah-nah

to get you off the hook
with Principal Ablin

doesn't mean you're
off the hook for cheating.

So, what is it?

I'm grounded, no screens,
blah, blah, blah?

No.

Something much worse.

So, bell is to church
as horn is to...

rhinoceros?

No. Car.

I'm pretty sure a rhino's
the one with the horn.

This is inhumane.

Mom and Dad said it was your
punishment to tutor me.

Mom, I beg you,
anything else.

It'd be easier to teach
Luthor how to juggle.

I'll give you a choice --
it's either this...

or Doris.

♪♪

[ Screaming ]

[ Dogs barking, growling ]

[ Laughs ]

This is still better!

Release the bees.

[ School bell rings ]

Hey, champ.

[ Chuckles ]

So, did your, uh, grandma
say anything about me?

No, she's been busy.

Oh. Cool.

I've been busy, too.

Okay, um, I've got
to get going.

Math class.

See you around,
Principal Ablin.

You know what?

You can go ahead
and call me Grandpa Ablin.

I-I don't want
to do that.

Gramps?
No.

Pappy?

It's more folksy.

Don't worry,
we'll find it.

♪♪

That's my boy.

[ Door closes ]

Hey, not so hard.

I built that door.

I built this whole school.

Mm.

♪♪

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