All language subtitles for American Housewife s02e21 Its Not You Me.eng

- Punch Porsche red!
- Ow!

- Punch Porsche gray!
- [Laughs]

What are you two lunatics doing?

[Laughing] Playing Punch Buggy.

Every time you see a Volkswagen Beetle,

you yell out the color
and punch someone.

But we made it Punch Porsche

because in Westport,
there's more of those.

[Gasps] Punch Porsche red!

Ow! Punch Porsche gray!

Your turn, Mrs. Otto!

Ow!

Franklin, new rule.

Don't punch me
or anybody I'm related to.

Unless it's Oliver

and he's talking about French cuffs.

Then go for it.

Wait, that Porsche isn't even gray.

Franklin, it's blue.

I'm colorblind,
so everything looks gray to me.

Punch Porsche gray!

KATIE: Anna-Kat needs some new friends.

Franklin talks weird, he dresses weird,

he even sees color weird.

He's like the Michael Jordan
of not fitting in.

How about at lunch today,
you don't sit by yourselves?

Invite some new people to join you.

Nah. I won't go into detail,

but kids don't like
to watch Franklin eat.

[Console beeps, engine sputters]

Ugh. Damn it!

We're out of gas.

Taylor took the car out again
without filling it up.

- Punch Porsche gray!
- If you do it,

you better knock me out,
'cause I'm gonna punch back.

?

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

?

[Keyboard clacking]

What you working on, Oliver?

I'm trying to come up with a topic

for my persuasive essay for Earth Day.

So far, I have "bring back
plastic grocery bags."

How about writing about something

that's good for the planet,
like recycling?

It's easy to be persuasive
when you're talking

about something as sexy
as saving Mama Earth.

Eh, recycling is out.

It's the fanny pack of causes.

No, recycling never falls
out of fashion.

This woman does a podcast while kayaking

through the garbage island
in the Pacific.

Every episode is just the sounds
of her paddling as she sobs.

I'm gonna paddle right past
that recommendation.

Oliver, you might want to think

about doing your paper on recycling.

I'd help you.

You'd get an "A" from your teacher,

and if you played your cards right...

[Paper thuds]

...a spot on the Recycling Committee.

You mean with you and three janitors?

And Bill Doty.

Taylor, get down here!

I just had to walk 10 miles,
and I'm not happy!

It was three blocks.

You go to the petting zoo
and say you saw a unicorn,

I back you up.

What happened?

We ran out of gas.

Because Taylor didn't
fill the car up last night

after she used it.

I had to ditch it
and walk Franklin home.

You should've checked the gas
when you started the car.

Even beginner drivers know that,

and you're far from a beginner.

You old.

You want to go to this concert
in New York with Trip,

but how can I trust you
if you're not responsible enough

to fill the car up with gas?

With what? I don't have any money.

Good point.

So if you don't have money
and you need money,

what do you do?

Become a YouTube star?

- Rob a bank?
- Make counterfeit bonds?

At least no one said stripping.

No! You get a job!

[Both laugh]

Mom, Westport kids don't do that.

- Well, you're gonna.
- That's not fair.

You put gas in the car
and you don't have a job.

[Dramatic music plays]

?

What did she just say to me?

Taylor, run!

Start a new life.

If you need to change your name,
you look like a Jennifer!

Why are our kids so resistant
to doing what's best for them?

I know. How do they think
they've been alive this long...

making their own decisions?

Of course not. They're idiots.

Remember when Oliver was 6

and we told him that he couldn't
ride a bike without a helmet

so he made one out of a Fruit Roll-up?

Idiots.

Yeah, they don't know
what's good for them.

I'm gonna make sure Taylor gets a job.

And I'm gonna make sure Oliver
writes his paper on recycling.

And I'm gonna get Anna-Kat new friends.

Hey, about the time that Taylor wanted

to run her track-and-field event
with scissors

so she could cut the ribbon
at the finish line?

Ugh. Idiot!

They're idiots.

All of them.

?

_

[Sighs]

[Knock on door]

Mom said to give you this.

[Paper crunches]

?

Now let's find some new kids

for Anna-Kat to be friends with.

Maybe her.

[Blows nose]

Next.

He looks nice.

[Object clatters]

But all sociopaths do.

Pass.

I don't even have to say
why I don't like that kid.

Ooh. Todd and Mia Anderson.

Normal, fun, popular.

Just the kind of friends
Anna-Kat needs forced on her.

Anna-Kat, why don't you play

with Todd and Mia at recess today?

They seem nice.

But I'd miss Franklin's vacant stare

and giant nose-bubbles.

I love Franklin. Love him.

But sometimes when you play
friendship roulette,

you got to scatt the chips
on some other numbers.

Mama, when it comes
to friendship roulette,

I always bet on gray.

Aww.

Still, kid's weird.

?

And with a million plastic
bottles bought every minute,

recycling might be our last hope.

Wow, Dad.

- Great stuff, really.
- See?

You were a little reluctant at first,

but now you know the high I feel

every time I sink one
into that beautiful blue bin.

I hear you.

Don't tell your mother,

but I've been saving up
to adopt a highway.

- You in?
- I'm good.

I think I have everything I need.

In fact, the first sentence
is already coming to me.

Say no more. Go get 'em, son.

Change some minds.

I think I will.

?

_

I want Anna-Kat
to set her sights higher,

so I arranged for two new kids
to join our carpool...

Todd and Mia Anderson.

Ooh, the Anderson twins.

How'd it go?

Let's just say, what a feeling.

? What a feeling ?

? Bein's believing ?

? I can have it all ?

? Now I'm dancing for my life ?

Take it, Todd!

? Take your passion and make it happen ?

Nice pipes, Todd!

Hit it, Franklin!

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States of America.

Oh, Franklin, you are always on.

Soon, Anna-Kat will be
best friends with Todd and Mia,

and her social circle
will keep expanding,

and then her friends will be...

[Cellphone beeping]

I'm sorry, Doris, am I boring you?

I always tune out the Anna-Kat stuff.

How's the blonde one
with the hot boyfriend?

What's her deal?

I'm forcing her
to get a job against her will.

Just one job?

White parents are so soft.

How does Taylor feel
about having to get a job?

Well, Angela, as her mother,

I don't care how she feels about it.

[Both laugh]

You're terrible.

Yeah, Mom, you're terrible.

Taylor, what are you doing here?

I got a job like you told me.

I'm your waitress.

But this is where I go

to get away from you and the other two.

Mom, if I would've known I could only
get jobs at places you wouldn't be,

I would've applied at a bookstore.

Ooh-hoo, slam! Katie don't read!

She doesn't read at all.

- Good one.
- Mnh-mnh.

What can I get you?

A toast to Taylor,

our first child getting her first job.

I've had jobs.

You've had schemes, Oliver.

We don't toast to schemes.

Waitressing is so fun.

And it's perfect because
I have first period free,

so I can do the morning shift
without missing class.

I'm so proud of you.

Give her the old fake smile.

Hold it.

I am so good at this.

And you are going to love this.

At work, they have a nickname for Mom.

"Flannels and Flapjacks?"

"The Salt and Pepper Shaker Bandit"?

No. "Crispy,"

because she always sends her bacon back

to make it extra crispy.

[Laughter]

Kids, maybe we should cha...

And every day for like two hours,

Mom just sits there

chit-chatting with Angela and Doris.

But you're always complaining
about how busy you are.

And you're constantly telling me
to manage my time better.

[Chuckles] You guys must be new here.

I'm Mom, and I can say whatever I want.

Isn't it funny how this morning

I was serving and cleaning up after you,

and now you're serving
and cleaning up after me?

The only thing better than
my fake smile is my fake laugh.

[Laughs heartily]

Greg, can I talk to you?

Stewart and Kingston's is mine.

It's my hang out,
where I unwind and vent.

Taylor being there
messes the whole thing up.

Come on. How bad could it be?

So I'm in bed, about to fall asleep

when Greg gives me the old tap-aroo.

- Refill?
- And I'm...

Thanks, sweetie.

Anyways, I'm like, "Greg, it's 11:00,

and we just had chili and"...

Lemons?

We're fine, thank you.

So then I'm about to roll over...

Do you guys need anything else?

No, we are all good.

Just the check.

And then Greg was like,
"It's been two weeks!"

- What's been two weeks?
- Get us the damn check!

[Scoffs]

You see what I'm dealing with?

So the rule is no intimacy after chili?
I just want to be clear.

That's not the point, Greg.

And yes, that is the rule.

Well, I see why you're upset,

but Taylor did exactly
what you told her to do...

went out and got a job like an adult.

Yes, but she did it in the most
annoying way possible.

Second Breakfast is my sanctuary.

No, I get it.

I wish I had a place to go

and chit-chat with my friends
for hours at a time.

Well, I wish I had a job
where I could go teach one class

then go to my office
and buy mini-muskets on eBay.

Those are investments.

It's important I have
a diversified portfolio.

Stocks, bonds, and muskets.

I just wish Taylor
was working somewhere else.

It's not good for me.

Well, you're just gonna
have to learn to like it.

And I guess you're going
to have to learn

to like the paper Oliver wrote
on recycling.

"Why Recycling is a Complete
Sham, by Oliver Otto."

Mm.

How could he write
this piece of compost?

[Door opens]

[Knock on door]

So, I found a copy of your
paper in the printer.

Oh, yeah. Thanks for all your help.

I'm really proud of it.

Proud. Huh.

Strange.

Because everything in it

is a giant, steaming pile
of horsefeathers!

Dad, language. Are we in the Wild West?

How could you write that

- recycling is bad for the environment?
- Listen.

My assignment was to write
a persuasive argument.

After hearing you out,

I decided to take the other side,

the side of the truth...

recycling is very expensive,

and it requires more resources
than it preserves.

- Balderdash!
- Dad.

Here's a truth for you...
you are not handing in this paper.

Too late. I already did.

Well, you deserve
the "F" you're gonna get.

Well, that's cool 'cause
I already got an "A."

An "A?!"

Ach.

- Fiddlesticks!
- [Paper thuds]

- Fiddlesticks!
- [Paper thuds]

- Fiddlesticks!
- [Paper thuds]

?

[Katie, Mia, and Todd laugh]

See?

Anna-Kat, aren't Todd and Mia
really nice?

I don't know, Mama.

They don't go good with Franklin.

Where is Franklin?

Oh, my God.

I forgot to pick him up.
Why didn't you say something?

I was assuming he was coming in late.

Dude's got a lot
of doctor's appointments.

You were so busy
cozying up to Todd and Mia,

you forgot about Franklin.

I'll go get him now.

Franklin!

You forgot to pick up my son.

If I wanted him to stand
by the front door

waiting for a ride
that was never going to come,

I would've asked my ex-husband
to pick him up.

I am so sorry.
It will never happen again.

Well, it certainly can't.

But it might.

I am so forgetful.

Well, then Franklin is
no longer in your carpool.

I will be driving him myself
from now on.

[Half-heartedly] Oh no, don't.
Please reconsider.

?

Excuse me, Mrs. Austin?

I want to talk to you
about my son's grade.

[Sighs] I'm sure your child
worked hard on their paper,

but I can't just raise grades

every time a parent
comes in here and complains.

I'm not asking you to raise
his grade. Oliver got an "A."

Then what are we doing here?

I just can't believe you would encourage

that kind of blasphemy against nature.

Mr. Otto, are you asking me
to lower your son's grade?

Because that would be a first.

No, of course not.

I would never ask you to do
something so unethical.

A Starbucks card?

Still has $7 on it. Enjoy.

Oliver's assignment was to write

a convincing argument.

He did that very well.

Hence, the "A."

But it was all nonsense.

I should know. I'm chairman
of the Recycling Committee.

Oh, that's just you and three janitors.

And Bill Doty.

Hey, I used to believe
in recycling, too.

But Oliver's paper
drew the curtain back for me.

I now see that recycling
is a waste of resources

and a complete sham.

From now on, everything
goes in one big bin.

Two points.

Doing that on Earth Day

is like spitting in Santa
Claus' face on Christmas.

?

Unless you practice a different faith.

In which case, please transfer
my insult to your beliefs!

?

So yeah, I forgot to pick up Franklin,

but maybe him being out
of carpool is a good thing.

Yeah, you know, I like my kids to have

as few friends as possible.

It keeps the noise down,

and birthday parties are easy to plan.

Now Anna-Kat can focus on Todd and Mia.

She doesn't realize it,

but those are the right friends for her.

Eh, I don't know, Mom.

Anna-Kat really likes Franklin.

Thank you, waitress,

for your insight
on my parenting techniques.

[Scoffs] Come on, Mom.

It's unfair that you don't think

we're old enough to pick our own friends

or go to New York to see a concert.

Don't you have someplace to be?

Yeah. Here.

Because you forced me to get a job.

You know, when I was 16, I went on tour

with Bell Biv DeVoe for a summer.

Yeah. That song "Poison"...

- is about me.
- [Laughs]

Hold on.

I ordered a muffin.

Oh.

Ah, sorry, Mom. I already
put it in the computer.

Enjoy.

Excuse me.

I ordered a muffin, and I want a muffin.

I'm not treating you any
differently than any other waiter

just because you're my daughter.

Mom, they're all basically
just desserts for breakfast.

What's the big deal?

How can I trust you to go to New York

- if you can't even get my order right?
- God, Mom. Chill!

First off, I hate it
when you tell me to chill.

And second, you screwed up
my order, now fix it.

You're becoming hostile.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

You can't kick me out!
I'm the Norm of this place!

You're anyone,
and I'm refusing to serve you.

Now get out!

Taylor, what's going on?

This woman was acting unruly,
and I asked her to leave.

This child didn't serve me
the correct order.

And when I politely complained,
she kicked me out.

- Taylor, the customer is always right.
- Mm-hmm.

If Crispy...

I mean, if this
reasonable lady is unhappy,

it's our job to fix it.

So fix it.

Then come talk to me
at the end of your shift.

[Sighs]

Hmm.

Publicly shaming her daughter

in her own workplace?

I'm really starting to see

my influence on you. [Chuckles]

[Tablet beeping]

These parental controls
are really cramping my style.

Screen time over.

Why don't we set up a play date
with Todd and Mia?

Or Franklin.

Or Todd and Mia.

Or Franklin.

Maybe he's weird to you, Mama,
but not to me.

And now he's not in carpool anymore,

and I don't get to see him as much

because you forgot to pick him up.

- Anna-Kat, the thing is...
- My teacher just e-mailed me.

You tried to get my grade lowered!

- Oliver the thing is...
- You got me fired!

- Taylor the thing is...
- You got her fired?

Not on purpose.
She was being a bad waitress.

And it is my duty
as your mother to make sure

that you follow through
on your responsibilities.

I was doing just fine

until Crispy gets the wrong carb
and raises hell.

- Hey!
- Yeah, just like Dad did with my paper.

And Mom did with my Franklin.

Katie, our kids appear
to have unionized.

- We've got a problem.
- Ugh.

- Permission to speak for the group?
- Yeah, go ahead.

You guys are really screwing us!

We want our friends back, our jobs back,

and I don't remember
what Oliver's thing is,

but he wants that back, too.

You guys say you're doing
what's best for us,

but really, you're doing
what's best for you.

You wanted me to hang out
with the friends you like.

And you wanted me to write a paper

on a topic that you liked.

And you wanted me to get a job

at a place that was good for you.

They're onto us. Do something.

We don't have to explain
ourselves to you.

We are the parents,
and what we say goes.

And I say go to your rooms!

?

Wow. I'm glad that worked.

That was getting ugly.

Yeah, did you see that look
in Anna-Kat's eyes?

I thought she wanted to fight me.

You went to school
to badmouth your son's paper.

Who are you to talk?

You told our daughter to get a job

and then you got her fired?

And you broke up your
other daughter's friendship.

You went to school to badmouth
your son's paper.

You already said that.

Well, you only did one thing,
so I had to say it twice.

So... [Sighs] what are we gonna do?

Well, we could clean-slate it,

go to Baja, have three new kids,

start fresh...

or make it up to them.

I guess we have to make it up to them.

You are never gonna say Baja, are you?

Someday.

?

[Knock on door]

Can I help you?

I was wrong.

I wanted you to see things the way I do,

but you're your own person,
and I need to respect that.

Uh-huh.

And to make it up to you...
I'm going to do this.

[Inhales deeply, exhales]

[Exhales sharply]

Wow, Dad.

You did that for me?

Yeah.

On Earth Day?

You know a bird could crawl
into that bottle and die.

I know.

I accept your apology.

I'm just gonna leave that there.

Hey.

Are you here to punish me

or apologize for making me get a job

and then getting me fired?

I told you to get a job,
and you got a job.

You did everything right.

Mm-hmm.

And just because it wasn't
the perfect place for me,

- I blew it up.
- Mm-hmm.

But we will find you a new job together

as soon as you get back
from the concert in New York.

- Wait. Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.

- I can go?
- Yeah.

Oh my God, Mom, you're the best!

[Both chuckle]

You are right. Wonder Mom is the best.

Who?

You know. Wonder Mom.

[Scoffs] Are you trying to
make a nickname for yourself?

Because that's not how nicknames work.

Wonder Mom begs to differ.

Sorry, Crispy. Not happening.

[Laughs]

?

[Anna-Kat and Franklin laughing]

FRANKLIN: Left foot gray.

Thanks for giving us a second chance.

Of course.
Franklin really missed Anna-Kat.

Right hand gray.

Now that the kids are back together,

maybe you and I
could be friends, as well.

Sure. That sounds great.

Franklin's a weirdo,
but she doesn't seem so...

[Whispering] I'm a ghost.

Mm.

I pledge allegiance
to the flag... Anna-Kat?

Of the United States of America.

And to the republic...

Franklin, bring us home!

? What a feeling ?

? Bein's believing ?

? I can have it all,
now I'm dancing for my life ?

Classic Franklin.

Just when you think
he's gonna zig, he zags.

? Take your passion, make it happen ?

[Anna-Kat sings indistinctly]

?

What are you doing, Dad?

Billy D and the rest of the Re-psychos

are coming over in a few.

We're gonna celebrate Earth Day.

Huh. That's a lot of napkins.

You'll end up throwing them
in a recycling bin, of course,

but then they'll end up in a landfill.

Stop. You're not gonna turn me
like you did Mrs. Austin.

Good-looking cake.

Nice box. Wasteful.

Recycled cardboard.

It's not bedtime, Dad.

Why are you telling me a fairytale?

Is that all you got?
You're embarrassing yourself.

[Laughs]

[Cellphone beeping]

Bill, he's got in my head again.

He said that the cake boxes
aren't recycled.

Can that be? Talk me down.

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