Original subtitles

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LICK IT?

[ALARM CLOCK]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

CRAP.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

YOU LEFT THE WRONG KEY AGAIN.

I NEED THE BIN TOMORROW.

AND THE DRIVER SIDE WINDOW'S FUCKED.

NO, STEVE'S GOT IT TOMORROW.

YOU JUST HAVE TO SHIMMY THE WINDOW.

HOW'S WEDNESDAY FOR YOU?

I REALLY NEED IT TOMORROW.

PLUS, I CAN HOOK YOU WITH THAT KARA GIRL.

LESS PERSIAN-LOOKING VERSION OF - WHAT'S HER NAME?

BROWN HAIR, KINDA "TALKS LIKE THIS"?

I HAVE TOO MUCH HOMEWORK.

I'LL GET YOU A TUTOR!

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX? -YEAH!

IT'S WONDERFUL!

YEAH!

I GOT A LITTLE BIT IN WITH TRITON PATTY ONE NIGHT.

BUT SHE WAS DRUNK, I HAD A COUPLE BEERS.

I'VE FELT GUILTY EVER SINCE.

PLUS, IF MY GPA GOES BELOW 4.0,

THEN DEAN THEATARD'S GONNA TAKE AWAY MY SCHOLARSHIP.

GLENN, I CAN'T.

THEN WHO'S GOT IT TONIGHT?

I WILL GET BACK TO YOU.

DON'T SELL ME A SOUP-SANDWICH.

YOU SAID YOU HATE SUNDAYS.

I SAID I HATE SCHOOL NIGHTS.

YOU DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO ME.

YOU CAN HAVE SUN-DAY.

I WANT SUN-NIGHT.

DON'T RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME.

FUCK IT.

WHATEVER.

JUST GET ME SUN-NIGHT.

LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.

OH!

WE'RE SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF FUCKIN' THESPIANS.

WHO'S GOING TO CHURCH SUNDAY?

UH, SANTA CLAUS.

BRING THE SLEIGH TO THE NORTH POLE.

WHEN?

CHRISTMAS EVE.

LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.

IF I BRING THE BIN TO THE PARTY TONIGHT,

SAL WILL GIVE STEVE HIS SUNDAY.

NOW, COULD YOU DO THURSDAY INSTEAD OF TONIGHT?

YES, YOU SHOULD COME TO THE PARTY

AND YOU SHOULD BRING YOUR VAN.

BRIAN, I'M CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

HEY, SO I'M TRYING TO MOVE SOME STUFF AROUND

SO YOU CAN HAVE THE BIN TONIGHT.

I WANNA OPEN SOME FUCKIN' PRESENTS TONIGHT.

SANTA CLAUS WANTS EASTER,

THE PILGRIM WANTS THANKSGIVING.

OK. OK. OK.

KEEP ME POSTED.

THE BIN'S AT THE PARTY TONIGHT FOR SAL.

WILL YOU GIVE YOUR THURSDAY TO GLENN?

WAS THAT SO HARD?

ARE YOU ACTUALLY GOING TO SET IN FOOT IN THE PARTY THIS TIME?

LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.

CONFIRMING SATURDAY AND THURSDAY.

YOU'RE THE BEST!

STEVE, CONFIRMING SUNDAY, MONDAY AND FRIDAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

ONE MORE TARDY AND YOU GET "REO".

[MUSIC]

[DOG BARKING]

[MUSIC]

WHEN ARE YOU COMING HOME?

(MOM) I DON'T KNOW,

YOUR AUNT NANCY SAID I CAN STAY AS LONG AS I NEED TO.

I JUST WORRY ABOUT YOU ALL ALONE.

DID YOU GET THAT ENVELOPE I LEFT YOU?

YEP.

THANKS FOR THE LUNCH MONEY...

(MOM) I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

ARE YOU, OK?

(MOM) YEAH I'M FINE.

(MOM) NO, I'VE JUST BEEN CONCERNED

ABOUT YOU BEING ALONE...

AND I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD BE DOING THIS

WHAT? I DON'T NEED A BABYSITTER...

(MOM) NO, BENNY'S COMING HOME.

HE IS?

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

IT'S JUST A PARTY...

RELAX...WHEW!

[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]

[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]

[AMBIENT PARTY SOUNDS]

THOUGHT SO.

SHOES OFF.

NEW SALVAGED DRIFTWOOD FLOOR.

COPS OUTSIDE?

I DON'T THINK SO.

MATTER OF TIME.

GOD DAMN ANIMALS INSIDE.

DID YOU SEE THAT GIRL.

DID I SEE WHAT GIRL?

DO I EVEN GIVE A SHIT?

IS SAL HERE?

YOUR HEAD LOOKS LIKE FRANKENSTEIN.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

PIECE OF SHIT WON'T START!

JUST "JIGGLE" IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS!

YEAH! JUST JIGGLE IT SAL!

YOU SMELL LIKE BOOZE!

THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE DRIVING.

''CAUSE SHE LICKED ME!

[STARTS ENGINE]

OH!

UGH!

WHOAH!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CRASH!]

[SCREAM!]

AH, Fee-yuk....

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[TOW TRUCK BEEP]

(OFFICER TOTSCH) SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE DEER?

IT JUST RAN OUT IN--

INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

UH, HUH.

HEY, SAL.

THANKS FOR RUINING THE PARTY, RIGHT WHEN IT WAS GETTING GOOD.

ALRIGHT, JAGOFFS! KNOCK IT OFF!

HALLOWINSKI!

BRIAN, WERE YOU DRINKING?

NO. I SWEAR, OFFICER TOTSCH.

COUNT BACKWARDS FROM TEN.

NINE...

EIGHT...

SEVEN--

YOU MISSED TEN.

I GOING TO ADMINISTER A BREATHALYZER.

NO, I SWEAR I DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING!

THEN WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?

STOP HYPERVENTILATING.

BRIAN, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

0.0? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU A NARC?

[DOG BARKING]

[CAR ENGINE]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

HEY THERE. [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

INTERESTING NIGHT.

HAD A DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE OVER BY ST. JULIANNA.

GOT OUT OF CONTROL REAL FAST.

YOUR MA CALLED ME

ABOUT HELPING TO FIX THE BATHROOM DOOR THIS WEEK.

IT'S OKAY, I'LL FIX IT.

IT AIN'T THE END OF THE WORLD IF I FIX THE DOOR, BRIAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. BUT, THANKS.

IS YOUR BROTHER HOME?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU THE SAME THING

THAT I TOLD THAT J.O. WHEN HE WAS YOUR AGE:

IF YOU START FUCKIN' AROUND, I WILL KNOCK YOUR DICK OFF.

YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH COUPLE YEARS.

I KNOW YOU MAY NOT WANT TO TALK TO A MEMBER

OF THE ILLINOIS LAW ENFORCEMENT COMMUNITY,

BUT THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

IF YOU WANT, WE'LL GO GET A BEEF SANDWICH

AND DO SOME PROBLEM-SOLVING.

OR IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY ELSE,

THERE'S "JESUS AND ME" OVER AT MARY SEAT.

BUNCH OF KIDS GET TOGETHER

AND TALK ABOUT WHAT MAKES 'EM FEEL BAD...

AND JESUS.

MAYBE I'LL CHECK IT OUT. THANK YOU.

TALK ABOUT GOD AND SHIT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GET SOME SLEEP YOU LITTLE PIMP.

[ALARM CLOCK TICKING]

[ALARM GOING OFF]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

HEY BUD.

I THOUGHT THAT WE TALKED ABOUT NOT PARKING IN THE LOT?

YEAH, I CAN'T BE LATE TO CLASS.

YOU GUYS CAN'T USE THE VAN ANYMORE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU

ABOUT THESE MUSHROOMS

THAT KEEP GROWING IN THE BACK ON THE CARPET.

WAIT, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I'M RETIRING THE SIN BIN.

YOU'RE MESSING WITH ME?

YOU'RE NOT MESSING WITH ME?

YOU KNOW, I NEED TO GET OUT THERE.

SO I WENT OUT WITH YOU GUYS, AND I SEE A CUTE GIRL

AND THEN I HAVE TO TAKE A SOBRIETY TEST.

WHICH GIRL?

DOESN'T MATTER.

OF COURSE IT MATTERS.

SUZIE KOSOLANSKY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, SHE DOESN'T MATTER.

WHY DOESN'T SHE MATTER?

BECAUSE SHE MATTERS AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT

AND YOU DON'T MATTER AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT TOO.

I'M STILL RETIRING THE BIN.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE OF US THAT HAS A CAR, BRIAN.

I MEAN, I LIVE WITH MY MOM AND MY FOUR SISTERS.

HOW AM I EVER GOING TO BRING A GIRL HOME?

LET ME GET BACK TO YOU.

[MUSIC]

[THROAT CLEARING]

[MUSIC]

PSSST!

[MUSIC]

WHAT'S UP?

AND HOW COME YOU GET TO WEAR SNEAKERS WITH YOUR UNIFORM?

BECAUSE.

GREEN MILL, NORTH SIDE.

YOU'RE GONNA SEE A MAN ABOUT A HORSE.

HALL PASS, IN CASE YOU GET STOPPED.

I WROTE IT OUT FOR THE DEAN'S OFFICE,

THE HALL MONITOR WILL ALREADY THINK YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

ALSO, I WAS HOPING YOU COULD SWING BY MY LOCKER

AND DROP MY JACKET OFF.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

IT'S COOL.

LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY HIT THE JACKPOT.

OH!

BRIAN DINES?

IT'S DIE-NESS.

SUZIE, RIGHT?

DEAN THEATARD?

AWW, SHIT!

I'LL COME WITH, I'LL GRAB A JUICEBOX FROM THE CAFETERIA.

SO ARE YOU IN TROUBLE WITH THE DEAN?

MISUNDERSTANDING I THINK.

YOU HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO WENT HERE, RIGHT?

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

I'VE HEARD THE LEGEND.

HE BURNT DOWN THE BLEACHERS DIDN'T HE?

[CHUCKLES]

WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE LOST HIS SCHOLARSHIP THOUGH, THEY KICKED HIM OUT.

I'M A SCHOLARSHIP KID TOO.

BUT, I GUESS SENIOR YEAR DOESN'T MATTER.

SO THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, HE WAS A SOPHOMORE.

OH!

THIS IS YOUR STOP.

SORRY I CLEANED YOUR CLOCK.

OH, IT'S TOTALLY MY FAULT.

I'M SORRY.

THANKS!

THAT SHOULD HELP.

HI THERE.

I'M TONY CAITO.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

SIT.

PEANUT BUTTER PRETZEL?

NO.

[CRUNCH]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO AS STUDENT LIAISON?

NOT REALLY, NO.

IF YOU'RE BEING GOOD, I'LL POINT THAT OUT.

IF YOU'RE BEING BAD, WELL...

LIKE A... NARC?

NO, HATE THE WORD.

[DOOR OPENS]

THANKS.

GLENN SPEAKS HIGHLY OF YOU.

OH, HE'S A NICE GUY.

WHY'D YOU TELL THE COPS YOU WERE DRIVING?

I HEARD SAL WAS DRIVING.

I ALSO HEARD HE HAD BEEN DRINKING.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

SAL.

SHITEHAUS?

CLEAN IT UP. WE ON THE SAME TRAIN?

SURE... SORRY.

UNDERAGE DRINKING CAN BE BECOME A BIG PROBLEM,

ESPECIALLY FOR YOU GUYS ON SCHOLARSHIP.

BETTER BE CAREFUL.

I GOT IT!

UM, IT'S ACTUALLY SHYTHEHOFF... HOFF.

IT'S GERM-INDIAN.

MY DAD--

NO, NO, NO, I DON'T CARE.

YEAH

OK.

WAY TO WASH YOUR HANDS, TINY TIM.

I HAVE CLEANSER.

HOW'S IT WORK?

HOW DOES WHAT WORK?

WE SHOULD MOVE THE BIN.

I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY THAT AT LEAST 75%

OF THE SENIOR CLASS IS SEXUALLY ACTIVE.

WOULD YOU AGREE?

I THINK THAT SEEMS EXCEEDINGLY HIGH, DON'T YOU THINK?

I THINK THAT SEEMS EXCEEDINGLY LOW, DON'T YOU?

IT'D BE SAFE TO SAY THAT YOU'RE IN THE MINORITY PERCENTILE.

CORRECT?

IT'S TOTALLY COOL, I'M NOT... JUDGING YOU.

TWO MONTHS AGO STEVE AND I WERE PARTNERS

FOR AN ANCIENT CIVS PROJECT

AND WE HAD TO MAKE THIS REPLICATED-TO-SCALE

TROJAN HORSE OUT OF PAPER MACHE'.

IT WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF AWESOME,

EXCEPT, UH, I HAD TO DO THE ENTIRE THING MYSELF.

AND THEN STEVE BORROWED THE VAN TO MOVE THE MODEL TO HIS HOUSE.

THEN HE HAD SEX IN IT.

IN THE TROJAN HORSE?

NO, IN THE VAN.

RIGHT, YOU SAID "TO SCALE".

THEN STEVE TOLD GLENN.

AND SAL.

OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE.

HEY-0H! HEY, KIM, DO YOU HAVE A PASS?

MY CAR HAD A FLAT, TONY, I SWEAR!

YEAH, I'M ONLY KIDDING. YOU'RE STILL ADORABLE.

I'M TEASING YOU.

HE ALMOST DROVE HIS VAN THROUGH A HOUSE THIS WEEKEND,

DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

THAT'S CRAZY!

THAT IS CRAZY.

YEAH, THE COPS WERE GONNA THROW HIM IN THE SLAMMER.

HE'S A WILD MAN.

WE JUST WANTED TO SAY "HEY".

CUTE SHOES THOUGH.

THANK YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, BRIAN.

YEAH, YOU TOO.

SHE HAS THE NICEST, SOFTEST REAR END.

I WANNA TONGUE-FUCK IT.

HOW COME YOU DON'T DRIVE AN AUTOMATIC?

SAME REASON I DON'T WEAR SHORTS.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

THAT'S FANTASTIC.

I CAN HELP YOU.

WITH WHAT EXACTLY?

I IMAGINE YOU DON'T RUN INTO SPACIAL CHALLENGES,

PRIVACY ISSUES.

TEENAGERS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR PLACES

TO BRING THEIR BOYFRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS.

SEEING THAT IT'S UNSEASONABLY NIPPY THIS YEAR,

I'D SAY THAT LIST IS PRETTY SHORT.

BETWEEN ME, YOU, THE HALL AND THE WALL,

HER FATHER'S THE DEAN OF ADMISSIONS AT NORTHWESTERN.

BUT, MORE THAN THAT, SHE'S A REAL SWEETHEART,

SO I'M SPOKEN FOR.

IF I WERE YOU...

PING. PING. EHH...

I'D ACCEPT MY HELP.

HOW'S NINE O'CLOCK?

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

EVERWOOD CONDOM.

HELPS YOUR STUFF STAY A LITTLE LONGER,

JUST PUT THE RIGHT SIDE ON.

WHERE YOU TAKING ME?

EXTRA-CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES DAY.

WE'RE GONNA WORK THE ROOM.

JUST STAY CLOSE AND TRY TO LOOK GENTLEMANLY.

[MUSIC]

I'M PULLED OVER ON SHERIDAN.

COP COMES TO THE WINDOW AND ASKS,

"HEY HAVE YOU FELLAS BEEN DRINKING?"

"I HAD A FEW BEERS TONIGHT. I'M NOT GOING TO LIE.

SPRING BREAK'S COMING UP, FUCK IT, RIGHT?"

[MUSIC]

OH, WHO SAYS YOU GET TO SIT IN THE COCKPIT?

THE GUY HATES ME, I DON'T WHY.

MAYBE IT'S THAT I'M A YOUNG GUY IN A VINTAGE JAG

WITH A ROSIE THE RIVETER BUMPER STICKER...

I DON'T KNOW.

POINT IS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M SPEECHLESS.

I'M NOT GOING TO CHOP YOU UP OR ANYTHING.

NOW I DEFINITELY DON'T WANNA GET IN.

[MUSIC]

DON!!

BRIAN LEANS IN LIKE HE'S GONNA RUN SHIT.

HE KNOWS HE HAS TO BE AGGRESSIVE, BE-BE-AGGRESSIVE.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT RIGHT.

[EROTIC MOANS]

[MUSIC]

I'LL NOTIFY YOU OF MY NEXT WHEREABOUTS.

BRIAN SAYS, "WHY, ARE YOU BUYING?"

[LAUGHTER]

COP LEANS IN AND STARES AT HIM,

HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HIS EYES, LIKE A FUCKING HAWK.

[MUSIC]

HEY!

BROTHER.

HI.

UM BENNY, I KNOW YOU JUST GOT HOME

AND THIS MIGHT SEEM WEIRD,

AND I ONLY ASK THIS BECAUSE MY POCKETS ARE PISSING QUARTERS,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LUNCH MONEY?

NO.

YES. I TOOK THE CASH AND GAVE YOU SOME CHANGE

FROM MY VENDING MACHINE.

FROM YOUR - OF COURSE YOU HAVE A VENDING MACHINE.

IS IT IN THE HOUSE?

NO, IT'S IN THE BREAK ROOM

OF AN APPLIANCE SHOP IN WISCONSIN,

WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE THEY'VE VOLUNTEERED TO GIVE US

A DISCOUNT ON ANY ELECTRICAL NEEDS WE MIGHT HAVE.

THEY HAVE EXCELLENT TELEVISIONS.

TOTSCH SAID YOU CRASHED THE BIN.

KNOCK YOUR DICK OFF?

YEAH, OF COURSE-- SO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

IN THE BASEMENT.

NO, FOR LIKE TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

AROUND.

HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING?

YES, I'VE BEEN WORKING. I'VE WORKED.

PLUS THE VENDING MACHINE.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO LAUREN?

DID I MAKE IT WEIRD?

NO, I DON'T TALK TO HER.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY BEANIE?

BEANIE?

MY BEANIE, THAT WOOL HAT.

THE ONE WITH THE SHIT ON IT.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

IS ALPHA-BRAN THE ONLY CEREAL WE HAVE?

I REALLY ... I HATE ALPHA-BRAN.

WHATEVER'S IN THE CABINET.

OK.

I'M GONNA LOOK INTO THAT, LATER.

FOR THE HANDICAPPED BATHROOM,

IF YOU NEED TO TAKE A MINUTE.

THANKS.

THIS IS FRESHMAN PHIL, HE JUST TRANSFERRED FROM MOUNT CARMEL.

BUT THERE'S A MUSHROOM PROBLEM IN THE BACK.

TERRIBLE GAS MILEAGE.

A GIRL LEFT HER SHOE IN THE BIN.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S A GIRLS?

WELL...

AND YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A SIZE SIX.

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY.

HOW DO YOU LEAVE ONE SHOE?

PASSION.

TONY CAITO?

DEAN THEATARD.

HOW ARE YOU?

LET'S TOUCH SOME SKY MY FRIEND.

YES!!!

HELLO, BRIAN.

HOW ARE YOU MY FRIEND?

GOOD, GOOD.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TOUCH SOME SKY?

SURE.

LET'S GO DADDY-O. TOUCHING THE SKY!

SO, KEEPING THE 4.0 GOING THIS SEMESTER?

ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.

YOU ARE COOKING WITH HIGH-OCTANE GASOLINE,MY FRIEND!

AND, YOU GOT THIS GUY LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.

YOU'RE SET.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

HAVE A NICE DAY?

IS THAT WHAT YOU SAY?

YOU MAKE IT A GOOD DAY!

IT'S UP TO YOU WHAT YOU DO WITH TODAY.

TODAY'S A WONDERFUL DAY TO BE ALIVE.

JUST CHECKING YOU KIDS OUT,

SEEING WHAT YOU'RE MAD OF.

GOOD WORK TODAY GENTLEMEN.

MR. PHILABUSTERY....

YOUR HAIR LOOKS...

WRONG.

IT'S BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY, I LOOK LIKE A SALAMANDER.

I SAW YOU TALKING WITH KIM, DID YOU USE THE STORY?

SMART WHORE THOUGH, SHE'S GOING TO YALE.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

I READ HER TRANSCRIPTS.

BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS, "LOOK AT THAT WHORE, KIM".

WHY YOU GOING TO TELL ME THAT?

NOW I'M GONNA FEEL BAD FOR HER.

BABY!

FUCK!.

HEEEEEY!!

I MADE LACTOSE-TOLERANT CARROT CAKE CUPCAKES FOR YOU!

O-M-GOD.

YOU'RE THE BEST!

SEE YOU IN THE JOCK-LOT LATER.

I LOVE THE FUCKIN' SHIT OUT OF YOU.

LOVE YOU TOO.

I FUCKIN' HATE CARROT CAKE.

WHAT?!!

[CHANGE FALLING]

I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAVE POCKETS.

ARE YOU IN THIS CLASS NOW?

WE'RE GOING ON A FIELD TRIP IN A COUPLE DAYS,

CHICAGO BOTANICAL GARDENS.

I USUALLY WALK AROUND AND GET HIGH.

I'M REBELLIOUS.

OH, FUN!

TONY GOT ME IN. PRETTY COOL, RIGHT?

OK, YEAH.

I'M GOING TO CHEM LAB, YOU?

STUDY.

I'M GONNA GRAB A POP.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHOA, THAT GIRL IS CHECKING YOU OUT.

DON'T TURN AROUND TOO FAST.

YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE, JUST LOOK.

THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

YEAH RIGHT.

I ALWAYS SEE YOU TALKING TO GIRLS ALL THE TIME

AND I'VE HEARD LIKE THREE COP STORIES INVOLVING YOU AND TONY.

I'M ACTUALLY KIND OF AWESOME OUTSIDE SCHOOL.

I HAVE THIS PLAN THAT I ACT KIND OF NERDY AND AWKWARD,

SO, THEN I CAN....

...POUNCE LIKE A SEXUAL PUMA.

EXACTLY, POUNCE LIKE A SEXUAL PUMA.

LIKE A REALLY NICE RAPIST.

YEAH, I TRY TO MAKE THINGS COMFORTABLE.

I WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS GUY THAT LOOKED LIKE YOU,

LIKE A WELL-MUSCLED, COMBED HAIR VERSION OF YOU-ISH.

HE WAS IN COLLEGE

AND HE COULD DO ALL THESE STUPID TRICK-DRIVING THINGS.

WHEN HE COMES TO PICK ME UP,

I'M STANDING OUTSIDE, HE DRIVES PAST ME,

HE ROLLS HIS WINDOW DOWN--

HE ROLLS IT DOWN AND STICKS HIS FINGER OUT, LIKE THIS,

THEN HE DOES THIS FUCKIN' CRAZY SPINNING, FISH-TAIL THING

AND FLOORS IT TO THE END OF MY BLOCK

AND THENS STOPS DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME

LIKE THERE WAS A FUCKIN' MARK THERE.

IT WAS AMAZING AND HE WAS FUCKIN' SERIOUS.

I LIKE THAT HE WAS LIKE

"YOU'RE REALLY GONNA WANT TO SEE THIS."

EXACTLY, I CAN'T EVEN--

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT WHORE KIM,

I'VE HEARD STORIES.

LIKE PISSING STORIES.

SHE'S GOING TO YALE.

I'M SORRY, DID YOU SAY PISSING?

SHE IS STILL CHECKING YOU OUT.

I'LL SET A JEALOUSY TRAP.

[WHISPERING]

YOU HAVE GOOSEBUMPS, PUMA.

SO, I'LL SEE YOU ON THE TRIP?

YEAH, FOR SURE.

COOL.

DON'T RAPE ANYONE WITHOUT ME.

[CHUCKLES] I WON'T.

UGH!!! [CHANGE FALLS]

I WANNA BE GOOD AT SEX SO THEY HAVE A NICE TIME TOO.

WHO GIVES A NOODLE WHAT SHE THINKS?

HOW YOU FIXED FOR CONDOMS?

I HAVE THE ONE YOU GAVE ME.

GET A NEW BOX, PUT ONE ON AND JERK-OFF.

ANY PARTICULAR REASON?

EVER PUT ONE ON BEFORE?

HALF ONE TIME.

PRECISELY.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

SHHH!

DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS.

[BLOWING NOSE]

ALLOW ME.

SO, WHAT IF I CAN'T...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

USE YOUR WORDS.

START THE CAR.

EAT OYSTERS.

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO HANG TOWELS ON IT.

WET ONES.

I'M GOING TO THE STORE.

NEED ANYTHING?

YES... BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT.

I'M GONNA GO TOO.

NO, NO. I'LL GET IT FOR YOU.

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.

THEN I'LL JUST GO BY MYSELF.

YOU'RE ACTING WEIRD, I'M DEFINITELY COMING.

HEY!!

BE GINGER WITH THE DOOR, SON.

SORRY.

[ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER]

SON OF A BITCH!

SHIT.

DISTRIBUTOR COIL WIRE'S LOOSE,

THIS THING CAN'T START WITHOUT IT.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

DAD TAUGHT ME.

WHEN HE GOT THE VAN FROM GUNZO'S, IT WAS A PIECE OF SHIT.

IT STILL IS, BUT IT'S A CHARMING ONE.

WHY'D YOU CALL IT "THE SIN BIN"

WHEN YOU CHEAT IN HOCKEY, FUCK UP OR WHATEVER,

THEY PUT YOU IN THE "SIN BIN", THE PENALTY BOX.

GUNZO'S USED TO USE THIS THING TO PUT BROKEN SHIT IN HERE,

OLD MERCHANDISE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE FUCKED IN THIS THING.

LAUREN AND I WOULD FOOL AROUND BACK HERE DURING PARTIES.

SHE'D DRIVE WHEN I WAS WASTED.

SHE WAS GREAT, SHE'D DRIVE ME AND MY BUDDIES HOME-

WE WERE PISSING AND SHITTING AND VOMITTING

LIKE LITERALLY PUKING ALL OVER EACH OTHER--

THAT'S ENOUGH.

SORRY, I FORGOT ABOUT YOUR CRIPPLING FEAR OF VOMIT.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

I'M NOT GONNA LIGHT IT!

I HAD A BLAST IN THIS THING.

YOU STILL HAVE A BLAST?

YEAH...

YEAH, TOTALLY MAN...

ME AND THESE DUDES WERE JUST UP IN CANADA.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN CANADA?

NOTHING.

BUT WE GOT INTO A BIG BAR FIGHT, ONE OF THE GUYS HAD A MACHETE.

PRETTY FUNNY.

[CHUCKLES]

GO AHEAD, START IT.

IF IT TURNS, I'M STILL DRIVING.

HEY IT STARTED, BENNY!

EXACTLY.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

BENJAMIN.

I DON'T-- WHERE DO WE EVEN--

MY BROTHER WAS JUST ASKING ABOUT YOU.

HOW IS HE?

HE'S LITTLE AND WEIRD.

AND YOUR MOM?

SHE'S... GONE FOR A BIT.

I'M BABYSITTING BRIAN.

I MISSED YOU.

SO PEOPLE THAT YOU MISS YOU DON'T CALL FOR SIX YEARS?

I DON'T REALLY TALK TO PEOPLE ANYMORE.

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO THAT MANY PEOPLE.

I'M NOT REALLY PREPARED FOR "THIS."

I AM REALLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAD...

BUT I KINDA WANNA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, BENNY.

DO IT.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

OH CRAP.

ARE YOU STILL A PYRO?

NO.

WHEN DID I TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?

JUNIOR YEAR?

YOUR JUNIOR YEAR?

EYEBROWS.

YEAH.

WELL THAT'S WHEN PEOPLE WERE SHAVING OFF

LARGE PORTIONS OF THEIR EYEBROWS,

SO I JUST FIGURED WHY NOT DO IT,

BECAUSE IT'S JUST DEAD WEIGHT,

DEAD WEIGHT STICKING ON TOP OF MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A--

SO YOU JUST DISAPPEAR

AND YOU DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE YOU ARE GOING??

AND YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL DOING IT.

BUT I CHOSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING AMAZING.

MAYBE YOU'RE TRAVELING AND SEEING THE WORLD

OR GETTING YOURSELF STRAIGHTENED OUT.

BUT I DID NOT THINK I'D BUMP INTO YOU

IN LIKE I DON'T KNOW, HAPPY FOOD.

"S"...

HAPPY FOODS, YES.

DID YOU MISS ME?

SWEETIE...

NO ORGANIC. I KNOW.

THIS IS MY OLD FRIEND... GARY.

HI. MICHAEL BELLMAN.

HI. GARY FLATTERED.

YOU'RE LAST NAME IS "FLATTERED"?

YES.

FLATTERED TO MEET YOU, GARY.

BENNY DIE-NESS?

I'M GARY FLATTERED.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.

I'VE JUST DETAINED A PERP ON A SUBJECT 487B.

SHOPLIFTING.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO GRAB BENNY WHATEVER.

PERP'S NAME IS BRIAN DIE-NESS.

HE GAVE US A DESCRIPTION.

THERE ARE ONLY TWO GENTLEMEN LEFT IN THE STORE PRESENTLY.

YOU FIT THE DESCRIPTION.

YOU DO NOT.

AND WHAT WAS THE DESCRIPTION?

THE DESCRIPTION WAS,

A RED AND BLACK FLANNEL JACKET,

AN OLIVE PAJAMA SHIRT, AND SOME HIGH PANTS.

BENNY DEINES?

GARY... FLATTERED.

GARY, BEN.

THAT'S HIM? OH, SWEETIE.

I WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME

INTO THE BACK AREA WHERE WE LOAD THINGS.

WHAT'S SO EMBARRASSING ABOUT CONDOMS?

I'VE HAD A CASHIER LOOK AT ME AND BE LIKE, "NICE."

YOU COULD'VE PICKED A BETTER TIME TO SHOPLIFT.

LAUREN WAS THERE.

NO SHE WAS NOT.

AND HER BOYFRIEND.

HE WAS GOOD LOOKING.

LIKE A VILLAIN. LIKE A LAWYER.

A LAWYER?

IS THAT A BAD THING?

ARE YOU GONNA TELL MOM?

FUCK NO, LIKE THAT'S A CONVERSATION I WANT TO HAVE.

SHE'D JUST BLAME ME.

THANKS, BENNY.

GUESS WHAT?

WHAT?

STILL FUCKIN' TOOK 'EM.

OHHH, CRIMINAL!!

[WATER RUNNING]

YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT RIGHT.

HERE DO THIS.

[SLURPING DRINK]

[KNOCKING ON WINDOW]

WHAT?

I NEED THE BIN.

EMERGENCY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CALL ME?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T.

HURRY UP, HONEY, I HAVE A WHOOPEE APPOINTMENT.

GOOD THROW.

JESUS! WHAT THE--

I'VE DONE SOME REALLY WEIRD SHIT,

SO IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT--

I'M FINE.

COULD YOU SIGN THIS?

WHAT DID I JUST SIGN AND WHY?

TECHNICALLY YOU'RE MY GUARDIAN,

AND IT'S A PERMISSION SLIP FOR A FIELD TRIP TOMORROW.

HOW DO YOU FINGER A GIRL?

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO,

BUT I WANNA TELL HER ABOUT US.

DON'T DO THAT.

YOU NEVER LET ME DO THAT.

NOT THE HAIR THING-

YES, DON'T DO THE HAIR THING,

BUT DON'T BREAK UP WITH HER FOR ME.

I DID THIS, I WANT TO.

WELL...

I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

CLOSE THEM.

OKAY.

WOW.

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

NO, I REALLY LIKE IT.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD TALK DIFFERENT WITH IT ON.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU MISS BEING HOME?

KIDS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH ARE MARRIED.

NOW, THEY HAVE KIDS, AND DOGS.

I HAVE A WEIRD THING WITH ANIMALS.

A BUNCH OF FRIENDS OF MINE FOUND THIS CAT IN AN ALLEY.

I DROPPED IT OFF A ROOF TO SEE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN.

TO SEE IF IT LANDED ON ITS FEET?

I KNEW IT WOULD DIE.

I JUST WANTED TO WATCH, YOU KNOW,

ITS LAST MOMENT ON EARTH.

JUST KIDDING.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

THIS IS REASSIGNMENT.

YOU ARE TO QUIET STUDY.

YOU GET A HALF PERIOD FOR LUNCH.

HERE YOU GO.

SON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M SORRY SIR, I WAS TARDY.

TARDY?

HOW MANY TIMES?

TEN TIMES.

TEN!?

JEEZ LOUISE.

YOU'RE WALKING A TIGHTLY-ROPED, HIGH-OCTANE DANGER ZONE.

WHEN WE GAVE YOU THIS SCHOLARSHIP

IT WAS BECAUSE OF YOUR ACADEMIC PROMISE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO SCREW THIS UP.

YOU DON'T SEE TONY IN HERE.

OKAY, NEVER AGAIN.

ABSOLUTELY NOT, SIR.

OKAY GOOD, HIGH OCTANE.

TOUCH THE SKY.

YES!

IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE ALIVE EVERYBODY.

GREAT DAY.

SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL, PUMA?

I'M SORRY, I GOT "REO".

YOU'RE A BAD KID.

HOW WERE THE BOTANICAL GARDENS?

BORING AS FUCK,

BUT SOMEHOW REALLY PRETTY AND INSPIRING..

PUMA?

SORRY... WHAT?

EH, IT WAS SOMETHING ABOUT FLOWERS.

I GOTTA GO. WILL I SEE YOU MONDAY

OR YOU GONNA GET BUSTED FOR SOMETHING ELSE?

WE'LL SEE...

OK.

LATER, PUMA!

HI!

HEY!

SO, I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU HAVE AMERICAN STUDIES, RIGHT?

YEAH.

I KINDA NEED HELP WITH THE REVIEW,

DO YOU THINK NEXT WEEK WE COULD HANG AND YOU COULD...

HELP ME?

I'D LOVE TO.

WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM, HANDSOME?

I'M BEING SERIOUS. HAVE YOU?

LOWER THE BIG-BOY VOICE PLEASE.

YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT SULLIED WHAT I HAVE WITH SUZIE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU THIS ONCE:

ERICA'S A VERY SHARP GIRL, VERY PRETTY, VERY SWEET,

SHE SMELLS LIKE FALL.

NOVEMBER-ISH.

BUT SHE FUCKS LIKE A BLOW UP DOLL.

I SPENT THE DAY IN REO.

THANKS FOR LEAVING THE KEY.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY-BOY.

ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE FIELD TRIP,

I KNOW YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT.

HAVE A SEAT.

SIT.

DON'T LET MY INFIDELITIES SALT OUR ARRANGEMENT.

BECAUSE IF YOU TOLD SOMEBODY...

I'LL GET INSIDE YOUR MIND AND I'LL FUCK MY WAY OUT.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

TRAIN FARE.

MY TREAT.

IF I TAKE THAT MONEY FROM YOU,

THEN WHAT WE'RE DOING FEELS PRETTY BAD.

WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.

TAKE IT.

I'M GOING TO SPEND IT ON SOMETHING ELSE.

AT LEAST YOU'LL HESITATE.

I DON'T WANNA GO HOME.

I GOTTA GO.

IT'S HER MOTHER'S BIRTHDAY.

YOU CAN GO.

I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME.

I'LL SIT RIGHT HERE.

IT'S NOT MY VAN.

WHO'S VAN IS THIS?

A FRIEND'S.

JUST PUT THE KEY BACK?

WHY DON'T WE USE YOUR CAR?

NO, BECAUSE MY TRANSMISSION'S SLOW

AND OTHER SILLINESS I CAN'T AFFORD RIGHT NOW.

THEN WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME MONEY?

STOP.

OK, JUST PUT THE KEY BACK.

I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK, I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK,

I'LL PUT THE KEY BACK!

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[CAR HORN SOUNDS]

[MUSIC]

COME ON.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

HEY PUMA, DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT POUNCING-

YOU FUCKING PUSSY.

JESUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

BIN'S MINE TONIGHT.

SEE. I WROTE IT DOWN.

SOMEONE'S IN THERE.

THAT WHORE KIM?

DID SHE HUM?

NO IT'S NOT THAT WHORE KIM.

IS A HUMAN ACTUALLY IN THERE?

SHIT!

TH-THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

OH, NO, IT'S BETTER!

YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MATTER NOW.

I'M DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE TO REARRANGE SOME STUFF TONIGHT,

BUT GOD DAMMIT I'M PROUD OF YOU.

THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME MAN.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

GIMME THE KEYS. I NEED THE BIN.

WHAT? NO. I CAN'T.

GIVE ME THE KEYS, IT'S MY CAR.

WAS YOUR CAR.

THERE'S A GIRL IN THERE.

GIMME THE FUCKIN' KEYS BRIAN.

NO.

YES.

[BANG!]

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

SEE, I WASN'T LYING!

IT'S A REAL LIFE GIRL.

I NEED YOUR HELP, I GOTTA MOVE HER.

NOT MY PROBLEM.

I DIDN'T GIVE YOU A HARD TIME WHEN YOU MOVED AWAY

OR ASK YOU FOR ANYTHING WHEN DAD DIED.

SO HELP ME MOVE THE DRUNK GIRL UPSTAIRS.

WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT...

I THOUGHT SO.

GOT TO LIFT HER UP.

[CRYING]

I'VE NEVER WITNESSED AN ACTUAL PASSING OUT BEFORE.

I DOUBT THAT.

HOW DO WE DO THIS?

GRAB HER BY THE ASS, IT'S EASIER.

I'M NOT GRABBING HER ASS WHILE SHE'S PASSED OUT.

I'M NOT SAYING DO IT LIKE A PERVERT.

I'M SAYING, DO IT LIKE YOU WERE TOUCHING GRANDMA.

THAT IS AWFUL.

SHE'S HEAVIER THAN SHIT.

SHUT-UP, YOU'LL GIVE HER A COMPLEX.

SHE'S A DRUNK GIRL IN A VAN.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO J.O'S DOIN'?

FUCK, LOOK NOW WHAT YOU DID.

IS SHE DEAD?

YES, OFFICER.

YOU CAUGHT US. WE KILLED HER.

THAT'S WHY YOU GRAB HER BY THE ASS.

OKAY. CRACKER, NO!

THAT'S A GOOD JOJO.

BIP-BIP-BIP.

SHE DRANK A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

WE'RE PUTTING HER UPSTAIRS

AND SHE IS NOT DEAD

WE GOTTA COME UP WITH A STRATEGY,

COME UP WITH SOME KIND OF ROUTE HERE.

WE GOT IT MAN.

JUST GO HOME.

I'M NOT GONNA EXCHANGE IDEAS WITH YOU.

I'VE OPTED TO EXPEDITE THIS SITUATION.

YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF US, MAN!

GET HER MID-SECTION.

FINE.

SHE'S REALLY A VERY NICE GIRL.

CAN YOU SMELL MY PERIOD?

WHAT'S HER NAME?

JANE.

JANE?!

DO YOU HAVE TO FLASH THE LIGHT IN HER FACE LIKE THAT?

I DO, ACTUALLY.

JANE?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?

THE WORLD.

YOU AND YOUR GOD DAMN VAN.

THIS IS YOUR VAN?

ALRIGHT.

ONE...

TWO...

THREE.

SHE IS HEAVIER THAN SHIT.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID...

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?

BENNY, WHY'D YOU LOCK THE DOOR!?