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Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru
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What's that?
It's called a vegetable.
3
00:00:28,749 --> 00:00:33,188
You should have some on top
of your Wagon Wheel next time.
It'll help with your rickets.
4
00:00:33,189 --> 00:00:35,828
You've made your schoolgirl
error there, haven't you?
5
00:00:35,829 --> 00:00:40,028
Although generally accepted
nowadays as a vegetable,
the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.
6
00:00:40,029 --> 00:00:46,388
You didn't know I was the font of
all knowledge, did you? No, I had
you down as a vegetable as well.
7
00:00:46,389 --> 00:00:50,068
Why are you slicing them?
I thought you were having a bath.
It's for my eyes.
8
00:00:50,069 --> 00:00:54,829
Better with... Or without?
With... Or without?
9
00:00:56,149 --> 00:00:59,309
Well, seeing as I'm looking
at you... With!
10
00:01:00,389 --> 00:01:03,548
Is this all in preparation
for your big night out tonight?
11
00:01:03,549 --> 00:01:07,268
I'm not going out. Yeah, you are,
you've got a ticket to a concert.
12
00:01:07,269 --> 00:01:09,188
A ticket to what concert, Lee?
13
00:01:09,189 --> 00:01:13,908
A ticket to a concert I never
told you about, tucked away
at the bottom of my handbag?
14
00:01:13,909 --> 00:01:19,308
That's a small venue. Who's on?
Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.
15
00:01:19,309 --> 00:01:23,788
A fundraiser came to the door,
collecting for a diabetes charity.
16
00:01:23,789 --> 00:01:26,428
It made me realise
I really wanted a Mars bar.
17
00:01:26,429 --> 00:01:28,508
How did you know
I had a Mars bar in my bag?
18
00:01:28,509 --> 00:01:31,028
You've always got
a Mars bar in your bag.
19
00:01:31,029 --> 00:01:35,268
Next time, you should have it
with a bit of lettuce on top.
It'll help with your hypocrisy.
20
00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:39,868
Please don't root through my bag
again. You're not my husband,
you're my lodger.
21
00:01:39,869 --> 00:01:43,029
How would you like it
if I constantly rifled
through your pockets?
22
00:01:45,069 --> 00:01:48,948
If you must know,
the ticket was an unwanted gift.
23
00:01:48,949 --> 00:01:52,148
From who? 'Whom', Lee.
24
00:01:52,149 --> 00:01:54,828
What, that Korean
bloke down at the garage?
25
00:01:54,829 --> 00:01:58,788
It was from Daisy. She's going to
some 'battle of the bands' night.
26
00:01:58,789 --> 00:02:00,589
But I've decided I don't want to go.
27
00:02:00,590 --> 00:02:05,708
If you're not using the ticket, I
might go. No, you can't. Why not?
28
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:08,788
Because last time you
went to a music gig,
29
00:02:08,789 --> 00:02:12,908
they all had spiked Mohicans
and safety pins through their noses.
30
00:02:12,909 --> 00:02:16,828
Yeah, well S Club 7 were better
before they went all commercial.
31
00:02:16,829 --> 00:02:21,029
Come on, let me have your ticket.
No. All right, forget it then.
32
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:26,669
Look, I'm sorry.
It's just that I promised
I wouldn't tell you about it.
33
00:02:28,069 --> 00:02:30,628
Promised who? One of the singers.
34
00:02:30,629 --> 00:02:34,308
If it's Gina G, that restraining
order expired years ago.
35
00:02:34,309 --> 00:02:36,228
Look, it's Tim, all right?
36
00:02:36,229 --> 00:02:41,268
Tim's joined a band and he
doesn't want you there because
he thinks you'll take the Mickey.
37
00:02:41,269 --> 00:02:44,628
Tim? In a band? Yes.
Your brother, Tim? Yes.
38
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:50,548
Tall fella, light hair? Is it that
hard to imagine Tim fronting a band?
39
00:02:50,549 --> 00:02:53,908
If it's a marching band
and he's twirling a baton, no,
40
00:02:53,909 --> 00:02:56,468
but a rock band?
So why aren't you going to watch?
41
00:02:56,469 --> 00:03:00,108
I just think it might be
a bit embarrassing.
42
00:03:00,109 --> 00:03:04,108
Your brother's going to be on stage,
baring his soul to a hostile crowd.
43
00:03:04,109 --> 00:03:07,508
It could be the single worst, most
humiliating experience of his life,
44
00:03:07,509 --> 00:03:09,628
and you don't want to see that?
45
00:03:09,629 --> 00:03:11,429
It's going to be brilliant!
46
00:03:13,069 --> 00:03:14,869
Come on. You know you want to.
47
00:03:16,069 --> 00:03:18,388
Fine, I'll go on my own.
48
00:03:18,389 --> 00:03:22,828
It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at
him if you're not there to stop me.
49
00:03:22,829 --> 00:03:28,108
Wow, you've just managed
to name three vegetables
in the last five minutes.
50
00:03:28,109 --> 00:03:31,508
Two more, it'll be the first
time in your life you've
had your five a day.
51
00:03:31,509 --> 00:03:33,829
Tomatoes are a fruit. Shut up!
52
00:03:40,869 --> 00:03:44,868
Hard to imagine, isn't it?
Tim backstage at a rock gig.
53
00:03:44,869 --> 00:03:46,428
I wonder where he is?
54
00:03:46,429 --> 00:03:51,429
There we go. A bag of dolly mixtures
and Robinsons Fruit Shoot.
I think we're getting close.
55
00:03:53,029 --> 00:03:57,468
Listen, when we see him,
don't say anything to undermine
his confidence.
56
00:03:57,469 --> 00:04:01,829
Lucy, give me some credit,
he's my best mate. I'll just
offer words of encouragement.
57
00:04:09,669 --> 00:04:13,588
Good God!
Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed!
58
00:04:13,589 --> 00:04:15,588
How did he find out about this?
59
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,309
It was on Radio One. They did a
big feature about you. Did they?
60
00:04:21,069 --> 00:04:25,108
Very funny. I'm sorry, Tim. What
could I do? He found the ticket.
61
00:04:25,109 --> 00:04:29,468
Like Charlie and the Chocolate
Factory! When do we get
to meet Willy Wonka?
62
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:32,708
I dunno, but I think we've just
met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.
63
00:04:32,709 --> 00:04:35,668
I accidentally laid out
in the garden a bit too long.
64
00:04:35,669 --> 00:04:39,228
What, until someone thought you were
a bench and varnished you?
65
00:04:39,229 --> 00:04:43,068
It's a spray tan for the act. Why?
Are you bringing back the Minstrels?
66
00:04:43,069 --> 00:04:47,348
You've criticised my skin and
my dress sense. Anything else
you'd like to take a pop at?
67
00:04:47,349 --> 00:04:53,748
I'd go for the ear piercing. Sorry.
I see you've gone for the left ear.
That's the gay one, isn't it?
68
00:04:53,749 --> 00:04:56,988
It's not actually because I Googled
it. The right one's the gay ear.
69
00:04:56,989 --> 00:04:58,709
How can you have a gay ear?
70
00:05:00,309 --> 00:05:03,188
It's like having straight teeth.
71
00:05:03,189 --> 00:05:04,949
Or bi-focals.
72
00:05:06,669 --> 00:05:07,908
Very good.
73
00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:10,228
Oh, yeah. Or a...
74
00:05:10,229 --> 00:05:12,429
lesbian ankle.
75
00:05:15,149 --> 00:05:18,388
Well, at least I'm not sticking to
the same look I've had since 1993.
76
00:05:18,389 --> 00:05:20,708
You wouldn't know where
to go for a piercing.
77
00:05:20,709 --> 00:05:24,109
Yeah, exactly. But we do.
Claire's Accessories.
78
00:05:25,789 --> 00:05:31,108
Right dude, we're on next.
Stop chatting up the ladies.
79
00:05:31,109 --> 00:05:35,828
Though I can see why you'd been
tempted. What's not to like?
80
00:05:35,829 --> 00:05:37,589
Because it would be incest?
81
00:05:40,029 --> 00:05:43,868
Well, wish me luck. Tim, are
you sure you want to do this?
82
00:05:43,869 --> 00:05:49,388
Yeah, why don't you forget all about
it, go home and run yourself a nice
hot bath of creosote remover.
83
00:05:49,389 --> 00:05:51,588
Oh, you're really enjoying this,
aren't you?
84
00:05:51,589 --> 00:05:55,429
Well, just you wait until
I'm out there on stage.
You won't be enjoying it then.
85
00:06:04,549 --> 00:06:07,428
Blimey, they're not a very
forgiving crowd, are they?
86
00:06:07,429 --> 00:06:10,868
Forgiving? Jesus would find it
hard not to throw his sandals.
87
00:06:10,869 --> 00:06:14,389
You don't deserve to live!
88
00:06:15,429 --> 00:06:19,428
Well, someone's got to be
the Simon Cowell figure.
89
00:06:19,429 --> 00:06:20,868
Boo! Boo!
90
00:06:20,869 --> 00:06:25,748
Off! Off! Off!
91
00:06:25,749 --> 00:06:28,748
- That was Yellow Snow.
- BOO!
92
00:06:28,749 --> 00:06:33,909
Next up,
give it up for The Auditors.
93
00:06:44,149 --> 00:06:47,748
Sorry, darling.
Didn't realise it was you.
94
00:06:47,749 --> 00:06:50,868
He's not going to do banter
with the crowd, is he?
95
00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:55,508
Please, no. I told him to say just
hello. Please just hello, Tim.
96
00:06:55,509 --> 00:06:57,788
How do you do, London?
97
00:06:57,789 --> 00:06:59,508
Oh, God.
98
00:06:59,509 --> 00:07:03,348
Or perhaps I should say Blackpool.
Why Blackpool?
99
00:07:03,349 --> 00:07:08,029
Because now's the time for us
to provide you with some rock!
100
00:07:10,349 --> 00:07:12,908
I'm going to be sick.
101
00:07:12,909 --> 00:07:16,268
I need to get out of here before
he says, "Here's a little ditty".
102
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,668
And here's a little ditty
103
00:07:18,669 --> 00:07:22,869
that goes by the name
of Viva Las Vegas. Hit it!
104
00:07:38,509 --> 00:07:40,148
This is great. Go, Tim!
105
00:07:44,869 --> 00:07:51,548
Somewhere in a parallel universe,
Alice Cooper is advising someone on
the tax advantages of a cash ISA.
106
00:07:53,669 --> 00:07:55,948
Did you write this one, darling?
107
00:07:57,549 --> 00:07:59,269
Dance!
108
00:08:19,509 --> 00:08:21,149
What a winker...
109
00:08:33,989 --> 00:08:38,108
Here he is, the champion!
Don't make me get security!
110
00:08:38,109 --> 00:08:40,308
You were amazing, Tim.
You so deserved to win.
111
00:08:40,309 --> 00:08:42,348
Oh well, it was only the heat.
112
00:08:42,349 --> 00:08:44,428
Yeah, but we're in the final now.
113
00:08:44,429 --> 00:08:47,188
And if we win that,
who knows what lies ahead.
114
00:08:47,189 --> 00:08:50,548
Yeah, Tim, the future's bright,
the future's... Shut it!
115
00:08:50,549 --> 00:08:52,988
You not going to
introduce your friends?
116
00:08:52,989 --> 00:08:56,188
Oh no, it's fine,
we all know each other.
117
00:08:56,189 --> 00:08:59,228
This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe
you two have already met.
118
00:08:59,229 --> 00:09:03,828
Hope you didn't mind the kiss.
Why me? There were so
many other people in there?
119
00:09:03,829 --> 00:09:07,629
I only saw you. You might want
to get that checked out,
it sounds like cataracts.
120
00:09:09,309 --> 00:09:15,028
I'm Lucy, Tim's sister.
Hi Lucy, Tim's sister. I'm Stretch.
121
00:09:15,029 --> 00:09:18,428
Stretch? Where were you conceived,
Parkhurst?
122
00:09:18,429 --> 00:09:21,108
It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.
123
00:09:21,109 --> 00:09:24,948
I like it, you know, the purity
of it. If people can sum
you up in one word.
124
00:09:24,949 --> 00:09:26,549
I've got one.
125
00:09:27,949 --> 00:09:29,988
Lots of big musicians
only go by one name.
126
00:09:29,989 --> 00:09:32,068
You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.
127
00:09:32,069 --> 00:09:36,828
H from Steps. That's just one
letter, how cool is that?
128
00:09:36,829 --> 00:09:40,148
Well, why not go further?
Prince changed his name to a symbol.
129
00:09:40,149 --> 00:09:43,108
That's good, I like it.
Maybe I'll do that.
130
00:09:43,109 --> 00:09:48,028
Yeah, like that bloke from
Guns 'n' Roses who changed it
to a punctuation mark.
131
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:49,429
You know, Slash.
132
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,388
Maybe you could change yours
to Apostrophe.
133
00:09:54,389 --> 00:09:58,468
Or Comma. You certainly
made me pause for breath.
134
00:09:58,469 --> 00:10:00,788
Or Colon.
135
00:10:00,789 --> 00:10:04,828
Tim tells me you're the brains
behind the whole operation.
136
00:10:04,829 --> 00:10:08,508
Yeah, I suppose you could see me
as the Lennon of the band.
137
00:10:08,509 --> 00:10:13,468
He doesn't mean the Russian leader.
Otherwise he'd have said Marx.
138
00:10:13,469 --> 00:10:15,829
You know, stretch marks.
139
00:10:18,149 --> 00:10:22,148
If I'm John Lennon, that makes you
the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.
140
00:10:22,149 --> 00:10:26,788
So if we're John and Paul, Daisy
must be... Oh, I know. Roger.
141
00:10:26,789 --> 00:10:29,909
What? Sorry, are we not doing
the twelve disciples?
142
00:10:31,229 --> 00:10:35,588
The Beatles. And if I'm Paul
McCartney, that makes you
my girlfriend, Jane Asher.
143
00:10:35,589 --> 00:10:38,508
Yeah, or Heather Mills.
144
00:10:38,509 --> 00:10:41,308
Or Jane Asher.
Or I could be Linda McCartney.
145
00:10:41,309 --> 00:10:43,308
Jane Asher. Be Jane Asher.
146
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,829
See, I think I prefer...
You're Jane Asher!
147
00:10:48,429 --> 00:10:50,308
We need to find a role for you.
148
00:10:50,309 --> 00:10:53,468
If I'm John Lennon,
how about making you, Yoko?
149
00:10:53,469 --> 00:10:55,108
Oh, good God.
150
00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:57,948
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
151
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,109
Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.
152
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:07,788
Well, I thought you were amazing.
And to think I nearly didn't come
until Lee talked me into it.
153
00:11:07,789 --> 00:11:11,789
It's true. She was going to spend
the evening in a bath
with a cucumber.
154
00:11:13,949 --> 00:11:17,828
Anyway, I'm going to have a quick
chat with George and Ringo.
155
00:11:17,829 --> 00:11:20,548
I'll see you later, alligator.
156
00:11:20,549 --> 00:11:22,509
In a while... dickhead.
157
00:11:24,269 --> 00:11:27,028
I'm taking it you didn't
enjoy tonight then?
158
00:11:27,029 --> 00:11:30,548
You were all right.
Everyone likes a novelty act.
159
00:11:30,549 --> 00:11:34,028
Jedward, Mr Blobby,
Keith Harris and Orville.
160
00:11:34,029 --> 00:11:37,309
Are you sure it's not just the
green-eyed monster talking, Lee?
161
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:43,349
That's what I always thought,
but actually Keith Harris
does the talking.
162
00:11:45,349 --> 00:11:47,949
The monster just moves its mouth.
163
00:11:56,229 --> 00:11:58,549
♪ I could be so good for you ♪
164
00:12:00,389 --> 00:12:02,908
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
165
00:12:02,909 --> 00:12:08,028
♪ I'd do anything for you
I'll be so good for you... ♪
166
00:12:08,029 --> 00:12:09,669
Piece of shit!
167
00:12:12,589 --> 00:12:17,268
What are you doing? Just fancied
a jam. Thought I'd try out
a few licks.
168
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:20,748
And what did you do after you'd
finished licking the jam?
169
00:12:20,749 --> 00:12:24,428
Is that when the borrower came in
and lent you his violin?
170
00:12:24,429 --> 00:12:26,868
It's all they had
in the Cancer Research shop.
171
00:12:26,869 --> 00:12:29,828
You just bought that? Why?
172
00:12:29,829 --> 00:12:31,948
Do you need a reason to save a life?
173
00:12:31,949 --> 00:12:34,548
You'll have to make yourself
scarce tomorrow.
174
00:12:34,549 --> 00:12:38,308
I told Stretch he can use this place
to rehearse with the band.
175
00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:41,828
Why are you letting a loser
like that hang around the flat?
176
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,749
Force of habit?
177
00:12:46,589 --> 00:12:49,909
You got back late last night.
I went back to Stretch's place.
178
00:12:51,069 --> 00:12:54,628
Oh, yeah? There were a few
of us there, it wasn't just me.
179
00:12:54,629 --> 00:12:57,028
What was it, a drugs orgy?
180
00:12:57,029 --> 00:13:01,228
No. Stretch doesn't do drugs.
Says it restricts his flow.
181
00:13:01,229 --> 00:13:04,668
I have the same problem
with scotch eggs.
182
00:13:04,669 --> 00:13:06,948
So what did you do? Nothing much.
183
00:13:06,949 --> 00:13:09,588
Stretch played us some songs
he'd written.
184
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:13,908
They were really good, actually.
Reminded me of Nick Drake.
185
00:13:13,909 --> 00:13:17,228
Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste
of space who still thinks he's 17.
186
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:20,028
If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.
187
00:13:20,029 --> 00:13:24,508
Well, if you insist on sitting round
with no trousers and making
an incomprehensible racket...
188
00:13:24,509 --> 00:13:28,268
And he's not a waste of space. He
also manages to work for a living.
189
00:13:28,269 --> 00:13:32,068
Well, he's meant to be a sailor,
but you never see him on a ship.
Not Donald Duck.
190
00:13:32,069 --> 00:13:35,188
So if I sing a song or play
the guitar, it's annoying.
191
00:13:35,189 --> 00:13:37,068
But if Stretch does it, it's cool.
192
00:13:37,069 --> 00:13:41,388
Yes, because Stretch is a real
musician, in an actual band,
who play proper gigs.
193
00:13:41,389 --> 00:13:46,428
You're sat in your pants
with a Fisher Price toy playing
the theme tune to Minder.
194
00:13:46,429 --> 00:13:49,428
Stretch said he might write
a song for me, actually.
195
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:53,628
Oh, big deal. Anyone can think of
a few words that rhyme with 'Lucy'.
196
00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:55,988
Go on then.
197
00:13:55,989 --> 00:13:58,148
Moosey. Oh, beautiful.
198
00:13:58,149 --> 00:14:02,268
Now I know how Robbie Williams'
mother felt when she
first heard 'Angels'.
199
00:14:02,269 --> 00:14:09,108
All right, not moosey. Juicy.
Oh Lucy, you are so juicy.
200
00:14:09,109 --> 00:14:11,908
Please don't be choosey.
201
00:14:11,909 --> 00:14:17,869
Why don't you seduce me
in your Jacuzzi.
202
00:14:19,429 --> 00:14:22,429
Made by Zanussi.
203
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,269
Have you finished? Kriss Akabusi.
204
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:32,789
It's like being chatted up
by Dr Seuss. Dr Seussy.
205
00:14:34,109 --> 00:14:37,428
Listen, I could join a band
as well if I wanted to.
206
00:14:37,429 --> 00:14:41,469
Well, let me know when you're ready.
I'll help you strap
the cymbals to your knees.
207
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,868
You? Join the band?
208
00:14:51,869 --> 00:14:53,668
Yeah. Why not?
209
00:14:53,669 --> 00:14:56,428
Because... Look at you.
210
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,069
Pardon?
211
00:14:59,269 --> 00:15:03,348
Look, I'm sorry to have to tell
you this, but the fact is,
212
00:15:03,349 --> 00:15:06,229
well, you're just not very cool.
213
00:15:08,589 --> 00:15:11,388
That's like being told
I'm uncool by...
214
00:15:11,389 --> 00:15:15,108
I genuinely can't think
of anyone worse.
215
00:15:15,109 --> 00:15:18,949
Listen, I may not look as hip
as Bruno Brookes or Dave Lee Travis,
216
00:15:21,909 --> 00:15:23,828
but I've got what it takes.
217
00:15:23,829 --> 00:15:25,868
Come on, I've always
wanted to be in a band.
218
00:15:25,869 --> 00:15:29,388
No. And anyway, it's not
my decision, Stretch is in charge.
219
00:15:29,389 --> 00:15:32,228
And he's going to be back up here
in a minute, so just leave.
220
00:15:32,229 --> 00:15:37,708
Come on, Tim. Imagine it,
me and you, best mates, living the
rock 'n' roll lifestyle together.
221
00:15:37,709 --> 00:15:39,589
We'll live fast
and be dead by 30.
222
00:15:39,590 --> 00:15:42,228
All right, 40. 5.
223
00:15:42,229 --> 00:15:45,588
All right, early 50s.
In fact, not dead at all.
224
00:15:45,589 --> 00:15:47,668
We'll go on forever
just like Status Quo.
225
00:15:47,669 --> 00:15:50,868
With two guitarists?
Exactly, just like Status Quo.
226
00:15:50,869 --> 00:15:55,068
You've certainly changed your
tune. Exactly, just like...
Actually forget that one.
227
00:15:55,069 --> 00:15:57,108
Come on, Tim, I love your band.
228
00:15:57,109 --> 00:16:00,148
It's just your guitar player
I don't like.
229
00:16:00,149 --> 00:16:02,828
Admit it, this isn't about the band,
or about me,
230
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:05,668
once again it's about your obsession
with my sister.
231
00:16:05,669 --> 00:16:07,468
Oh, change the record.
232
00:16:07,469 --> 00:16:09,628
Record? Get with it, Grandad.
233
00:16:09,629 --> 00:16:11,869
All right, shuffle your iPod Nanoo.
234
00:16:14,189 --> 00:16:17,669
I'm not asking Stretch
if you can join the band,
so will you please leave?
235
00:16:19,269 --> 00:16:20,708
OK. Fine.
236
00:16:20,709 --> 00:16:24,228
I just felt I was losing
my best mate a bit
237
00:16:24,229 --> 00:16:27,469
and I suppose I was just trying
to find some way of clinging on.
238
00:16:28,949 --> 00:16:31,869
But I'll leave you to have fun
with your new friends.
239
00:16:39,869 --> 00:16:41,669
I've always dreamt
of being in a band.
240
00:16:43,789 --> 00:16:47,229
And if I was in the band, I'd make
them play the songs you really love.
241
00:16:48,469 --> 00:16:51,429
Put that down now,
it belongs to Stretch.
242
00:16:52,909 --> 00:16:58,308
♪ Looking back I could have
played it differently. ♪
243
00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:00,189
I don't like this stuff
anymore, actually.
244
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:03,908
♪ Perfect situations can go wrong ♪
245
00:17:03,909 --> 00:17:07,028
I'm in a rock band now.
My Elaine Page days are over.
246
00:17:07,029 --> 00:17:10,908
♪ But it has never yet prevented me ♪
247
00:17:10,909 --> 00:17:12,908
Thinking you can win me over
like a schoolgirl.
248
00:17:12,909 --> 00:17:15,788
♪ Wanting far too much
for far too long
249
00:17:15,789 --> 00:17:17,708
Pathetic!
250
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,348
♪ Wasn't it good ♪
251
00:17:19,349 --> 00:17:21,068
♪ Oh, so good ♪
252
00:17:21,069 --> 00:17:22,668
♪ Wasn't it fine ♪
253
00:17:22,669 --> 00:17:24,548
♪ Oh, so fine ♪
254
00:17:24,549 --> 00:17:26,828
♪ Isn't it madness ♪
255
00:17:26,829 --> 00:17:29,989
♪ He can't be mine ♪
256
00:17:31,429 --> 00:17:36,268
♪ But in the end
He needs a little bit more than me ♪
257
00:17:36,269 --> 00:17:39,068
♪ More security! ♪
258
00:17:39,069 --> 00:17:42,668
♪ He needs his fantasy and freedom ♪
259
00:17:42,669 --> 00:17:46,509
♪ I know him so... ♪
260
00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,748
♪ The ace of spades
The ace of spades ♪
261
00:17:53,749 --> 00:17:56,629
♪ The ace of spades
The ace of spades. ♪
262
00:18:05,589 --> 00:18:07,948
We don't need another band member.
263
00:18:07,949 --> 00:18:10,828
I know. It's just that Lee and I
are best friends
264
00:18:10,829 --> 00:18:13,108
and I think he's feeling
a bit left out.
265
00:18:13,109 --> 00:18:14,668
A bit left out?
266
00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,589
We're in band, not a sandpit.
267
00:18:18,189 --> 00:18:21,389
I'm telling you,
he's holding you back. Lose him.
268
00:18:22,749 --> 00:18:25,108
I can't do that. We're best friends.
269
00:18:25,109 --> 00:18:26,988
Well, that's a shame.
270
00:18:26,989 --> 00:18:29,628
The scrapheap of the music biz
is littered with the nice guys.
271
00:18:29,629 --> 00:18:30,988
Joe Dolce...
272
00:18:30,989 --> 00:18:32,908
Rick Astley...
273
00:18:32,909 --> 00:18:34,348
Chesney Hawkes.
274
00:18:34,349 --> 00:18:35,708
Exactly.
275
00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:39,268
It is possible to be a nice guy
and still a credible artist.
276
00:18:39,269 --> 00:18:43,228
Listen, Tim, it's the final of
Battle Of The Bands in a few days,
277
00:18:43,229 --> 00:18:45,189
and I haven't got time
for hangers-on.
278
00:18:46,829 --> 00:18:48,429
Lucy would be pleased.
279
00:18:49,549 --> 00:18:52,548
She's trying to get him out
the house more.
280
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:55,029
Well, long enough to change
the locks anyway.
281
00:19:00,469 --> 00:19:02,588
So, you play a bit, do you?
282
00:19:02,589 --> 00:19:04,708
Yeah. Big guitar player, me.
283
00:19:04,709 --> 00:19:06,989
More chords than Tim's wardrobe.
284
00:19:08,469 --> 00:19:09,749
You been playing long?
285
00:19:09,750 --> 00:19:11,908
Well, I grew up
in a musical environment.
286
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:13,908
Is that right? Yeah.
287
00:19:13,909 --> 00:19:16,508
A big hill in Switzerland
surrounded by Nazis.
288
00:19:16,509 --> 00:19:20,029
There was three of us,
Doe, Ray and me.
289
00:19:22,149 --> 00:19:25,708
Thanks. Do you want to move in
permanently?
290
00:19:25,709 --> 00:19:27,708
And what sort of music
are you into?
291
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,788
You know, the old stuff.
292
00:19:29,789 --> 00:19:31,908
Dylan when he was still acoustic.
293
00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:35,188
Michael Jackson
when he was still black.
294
00:19:35,189 --> 00:19:36,789
Tim when he was still white.
295
00:19:38,149 --> 00:19:41,189
Tim says there's something
you want to ask me.
296
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,588
Yeah.
297
00:19:44,589 --> 00:19:46,188
Can I join the band?
298
00:19:46,189 --> 00:19:49,309
That one wasn't a joke!
299
00:19:50,469 --> 00:19:54,428
Tell you what,
maybe we could use you.
300
00:19:54,429 --> 00:19:55,628
OK, you're in.
301
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:56,868
Brilliant!
302
00:19:56,869 --> 00:19:58,708
I'll get us all a drink.
303
00:19:58,709 --> 00:19:59,949
Who fancies a cup of tea?
304
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:01,628
I could use a stiff bourbon.
305
00:20:01,629 --> 00:20:04,349
No problems.
I'll get the biscuit tin.
306
00:20:14,229 --> 00:20:16,549
Roadie? Bloody roadie?
307
00:20:17,669 --> 00:20:19,788
Nothing wrong
with being a roadie, mate.
308
00:20:19,789 --> 00:20:21,629
Noel Gallagher started out
as a roadie.
309
00:20:21,630 --> 00:20:24,028
Well, there you go. Look at him now.
310
00:20:24,029 --> 00:20:26,589
Presenting Deal Or No Deal
six nights a week.
311
00:20:35,749 --> 00:20:38,268
If my heart was a drummer,
I'd have to give it the sack.
312
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:40,708
Why? Cos every time it sees you,
313
00:20:40,709 --> 00:20:42,508
it misses a beat.
314
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:45,989
I don't suppose it knows anything
by Massive Attack, does it?
315
00:20:53,789 --> 00:20:56,828
♪ Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. ♪
316
00:20:58,589 --> 00:21:01,548
♪ Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa. ♪
317
00:21:01,549 --> 00:21:03,948
So it's not just rock stars
you impersonate?
318
00:21:03,949 --> 00:21:06,988
You can do Ronnie Barker
in Open All Hours as well, can you?
319
00:21:06,989 --> 00:21:09,229
Big final tonight, rock star?
320
00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:12,028
How's the roadying going, Lee?
321
00:21:12,029 --> 00:21:15,268
I'm not just a roadie.
I'm more of a manager/producer.
322
00:21:15,269 --> 00:21:17,948
Well, you'd better produce some tea
and biscuits, then.
323
00:21:17,949 --> 00:21:20,268
Come on, Doris, chop chop.
324
00:21:20,269 --> 00:21:22,748
Why don't you try doing
what Tim's doing?
325
00:21:22,749 --> 00:21:24,188
What do you mean?
326
00:21:24,189 --> 00:21:27,468
♪ Fa fa fa fa fa... ♪ Cough.
327
00:21:27,469 --> 00:21:30,068
Look, if you don't want to be
involved in the band anymore,
328
00:21:30,069 --> 00:21:31,588
there's the door.
329
00:21:31,589 --> 00:21:35,148
I mean, I'll miss the custard creams
but I'm sure I'll have other things
330
00:21:35,149 --> 00:21:36,549
to keep me occupied.
331
00:21:38,389 --> 00:21:39,669
No, it's all right.
332
00:21:39,670 --> 00:21:42,269
I'll stick around,
keep an eye on things.
333
00:21:44,029 --> 00:21:46,028
How do you like your coffee?
334
00:21:46,029 --> 00:21:48,068
I like my coffee
like I like my women.
335
00:21:48,069 --> 00:21:51,028
Oh, please mess this up
and say extra large.
336
00:21:51,029 --> 00:21:54,468
Hot, sweet and first thing
in the morning.
337
00:21:54,469 --> 00:21:57,748
That's funny, cos I like my coffee
like I like my guitar players.
338
00:21:57,749 --> 00:21:59,989
With boiling hot water poured on it.
339
00:22:01,149 --> 00:22:02,189
I finished the song.
340
00:22:02,190 --> 00:22:03,428
My song?
341
00:22:03,429 --> 00:22:06,628
Yeah. I've called it "Lucy".
342
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,628
That's so sweet.
343
00:22:08,629 --> 00:22:10,828
Elvis, take a pew.
344
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:13,028
There you go.
345
00:22:13,029 --> 00:22:14,588
I can't sing this.
346
00:22:14,589 --> 00:22:17,068
But you're the singer. Sing.
347
00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:18,669
She's my sister.
Isn't that a bit...?
348
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:19,709
Sing.
349
00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:24,388
♪ Oh, Lucy ♪
350
00:22:24,389 --> 00:22:28,388
♪ I want to take you on the blue sea ♪
351
00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:30,748
♪ I want you to draw me in. ♪
352
00:22:30,749 --> 00:22:32,629
I'm not entirely comfortable with...
353
00:22:32,630 --> 00:22:33,868
Sing.
354
00:22:33,869 --> 00:22:36,748
♪ I see you naked in the moonlight ♪
355
00:22:36,749 --> 00:22:39,228
♪ Let me touch your skin. ♪
356
00:22:39,229 --> 00:22:40,989
There's no way I'm doing
the next bit.
357
00:22:40,990 --> 00:22:42,468
Chorus!
358
00:22:42,469 --> 00:22:43,509
♪ Want to take you home ♪
359
00:22:43,510 --> 00:22:45,268
♪ Want to make you moan ♪
360
00:22:45,269 --> 00:22:48,708
♪ Let's go to bed and have some fun ♪
361
00:22:48,709 --> 00:22:51,068
♪ I'll bring the hotdog ♪
362
00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,509
♪ You bring the bun ♪
363
00:22:55,589 --> 00:22:57,628
♪ Oh, Lucy ♪
364
00:22:57,629 --> 00:23:00,149
♪ Let's make love tonight. ♪
365
00:23:03,789 --> 00:23:05,389
That was beautiful.
366
00:23:07,109 --> 00:23:09,149
The Auditors. You're up next.
367
00:23:10,309 --> 00:23:12,668
Crap. I've left my jacket in the van.
368
00:23:12,669 --> 00:23:14,109
Doris, be a good girl. Go get it.
369
00:23:14,110 --> 00:23:15,948
Yeah, and hurry up.
370
00:23:15,949 --> 00:23:18,588
If we win this final tonight,
who knows what it'll lead to.
371
00:23:18,589 --> 00:23:22,509
Carry on with that fake tan,
you might be up for a MOBO.
372
00:23:25,549 --> 00:23:27,669
Are you the roadie
with The Auditors?
373
00:23:28,909 --> 00:23:30,228
Yeah.
374
00:23:30,229 --> 00:23:31,987
Well, tell Stretch I said it's over.
375
00:23:31,988 --> 00:23:34,269
And tell him he can have
this eternity ring back.
376
00:23:34,270 --> 00:23:37,228
And he can have
his flat keys back as well.
377
00:23:37,229 --> 00:23:40,068
Please tell me you haven't got
any of his furniture.
378
00:23:40,069 --> 00:23:43,108
No, but I've these he might want
back. I found them under his bed.
379
00:23:43,109 --> 00:23:45,748
It's the lyrics to the song
he supposedly wrote for me.
380
00:23:45,749 --> 00:23:49,788
I thought this song was called
Lucy and he was going to
"take her on the blue sea."
381
00:23:49,789 --> 00:23:51,628
Yeah, well, my name's Grace
382
00:23:51,629 --> 00:23:53,988
and he was going to
"take me to another place."
383
00:23:53,989 --> 00:23:57,268
Just like he was going to
"take Marie and set her free."
384
00:23:57,269 --> 00:24:00,588
"Take June to the moon."
"Take Eva and never leave her."
385
00:24:00,589 --> 00:24:04,428
And "take Miss Pippy
up the Mississippi."
386
00:24:04,429 --> 00:24:06,749
Good job he never dated
Samantha Janus.
387
00:24:11,789 --> 00:24:14,388
Hey, Doris. Where's my jacket?
388
00:24:14,389 --> 00:24:17,668
If you want your jacket, you can get
some other idiot to fetch it.
389
00:24:17,669 --> 00:24:19,228
All right.
390
00:24:19,229 --> 00:24:20,588
Tim, get my jacket.
391
00:24:20,589 --> 00:24:22,868
Hang on, Tim.
392
00:24:22,869 --> 00:24:26,348
I know you all think the sun shines
out of this man's plectrum,
393
00:24:26,349 --> 00:24:27,707
but I'm afraid to tell you
394
00:24:27,708 --> 00:24:30,029
there's about half a dozen
other Lucys out there.
395
00:24:30,030 --> 00:24:32,989
So then who the hell is this one?
396
00:24:35,429 --> 00:24:38,869
And that song he wrote for you,
he wrote for loads of women.
397
00:24:40,749 --> 00:24:43,708
Look, pussycat.
Please don't call me pussycat.
398
00:24:43,709 --> 00:24:45,508
This... really...
399
00:24:45,509 --> 00:24:47,028
sticks in the throat.
400
00:24:47,029 --> 00:24:48,469
Probably fur balls.
401
00:24:49,629 --> 00:24:50,828
What an arse.
402
00:24:50,829 --> 00:24:53,908
Right, I'm out of here.
403
00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,308
Hang on, the competition.
What's the point?
404
00:24:56,309 --> 00:25:00,309
Something tells me I'm not getting
the prize I really came for.
405
00:25:01,509 --> 00:25:03,548
He meant intercourse with...
406
00:25:03,549 --> 00:25:06,629
We know what he meant.
407
00:25:08,189 --> 00:25:11,188
Well, thank you very much.
408
00:25:11,189 --> 00:25:13,509
Well, the words were right,
but can you try it without
409
00:25:13,510 --> 00:25:15,548
the eye-popping,
orange-coloured sarcasm?
410
00:25:15,549 --> 00:25:19,308
I've just rescued your sister
from a man who makes Warren Beatty
look like Mother Teresa.
411
00:25:19,309 --> 00:25:22,789
Actually now he's getting older, he
does look a bit like her, doesn't he?
412
00:25:23,829 --> 00:25:26,628
Can't you go on stage without him?
413
00:25:26,629 --> 00:25:29,908
How can we perform without
a lead guitarist?
414
00:25:29,909 --> 00:25:31,308
Come on, let's go.
415
00:25:31,309 --> 00:25:34,508
Hang on. You need a guitar player.
416
00:25:34,509 --> 00:25:35,988
You're looking at one.
417
00:25:35,989 --> 00:25:37,589
But you don't know any of our songs.
418
00:25:37,590 --> 00:25:40,388
No. But I know a few other
good ones.
419
00:26:28,869 --> 00:26:31,268
Wow. What a night.
420
00:26:31,269 --> 00:26:35,108
I'm surprised you can remember
any of it, you were that concussed.
421
00:26:35,109 --> 00:26:36,708
Well, it's a bit hazy,
422
00:26:36,709 --> 00:26:38,788
but that's rock and roll for you.
423
00:26:38,789 --> 00:26:40,868
The bright lights, the drugs.
424
00:26:40,869 --> 00:26:42,309
That was the paramedics.
425
00:26:43,789 --> 00:26:46,308
The women shouting,
throwing underwear at me.
426
00:26:46,309 --> 00:26:49,349
That was me trying to get you
dressed again in A and E.
427
00:26:50,709 --> 00:26:52,268
Shame we didn't win.
428
00:26:52,269 --> 00:26:55,428
Well, it wasn't just the injury. I
don't think the crowd were that keen
429
00:26:55,429 --> 00:26:58,468
on the Elaine Page
and Barbara Dickson number either.
430
00:26:58,469 --> 00:27:01,309
Yeah, looking back I should have
played it differently.
431
00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:08,308
Sorry it didn't work out
between you and Stretch.
432
00:27:08,309 --> 00:27:09,548
Don't worry.
433
00:27:09,549 --> 00:27:12,189
A relationship can't end
if it hasn't even begun.
434
00:27:13,269 --> 00:27:15,348
Yeah, but you were
thinking about it.
435
00:27:15,349 --> 00:27:19,029
All right, I admit I was slightly
dazzled by his rock star image.
436
00:27:20,069 --> 00:27:22,188
And what about when I was up there?
437
00:27:22,189 --> 00:27:24,909
Was I sex, drugs and rock and roll?
438
00:27:25,949 --> 00:27:30,469
A bit more like rumpy pumpy,
Calpol and Shakin' Stevens.
439
00:27:31,869 --> 00:27:34,748
Anyway, my guitar-playing days
are behind me.
440
00:27:34,749 --> 00:27:37,988
I've decided to settle
on a far more tranquil instrument.
441
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:39,949
Very funny.
442
00:27:42,029 --> 00:27:43,349
You're joking right?
443
00:27:45,069 --> 00:27:46,789
Please tell me you're joking.
444
00:27:49,229 --> 00:27:50,509
He's joking.
445
00:27:52,389 --> 00:27:54,349
Oh, God.
446
00:27:58,509 --> 00:28:22,805
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