Original subtitles

- Hello? - Hey, Rob. Steve.

Oh, hiya. How are you?

Good, good. Er...listen,

are you free next week to go away?

Where?

Er, it's kind of a tour. Tour of the North, restaurant tour,

really good restaurants.

Right. Why me?

Er, well, Mischa is unavailable.

You... You've met Mischa, haven't you?

Er...is she your assistant?

Er...no, that's Emma.

No, no. Er, no, Mischa's my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the Australian girl.

No. God, no, that was ages ago.

No, anyway, it doesn't matter.

Er, Mischa can't come

and I don't want to go alone.

I've asked other people

but they're all too busy,

so, you know, do you want to come?

Er... I don't know, really.

I'd have to ask Sally.

Erm, it's a job. I'm not asking you to

go on holiday with me or anything weird.

- It's for The Observer magazine. - Right.

They're going to pay for everything and there's a small fee,

which I'll split with you...60/40.

When is it?

Next Monday.

Oh.

(HORN TOOTS)

(HE TOOTS HORN AGAIN)

SALLY: Rob, Steve's here.

- All right? - Hey, yeah.

- SALLY: Hi, Steve. - ROB: We're off.

- Hello, hi. - ROB: You know Sally and Chloe.

Yes, yes, hi, hello.

Nice to see you, how are you? Mmm.

Very good.

Nice to see you.

Hello.

What is that?

- This is just... - Wow.

Pick axe handles. (GROWLS)

Seriously?

Yes, just in case...

- For climbing? - Got you a set of crampons, too.

I'll ring you, OK?

Oh, yes, please do. I love you.

Mwah!

ROB: Look after Mummy. Give me a kiss.

Have fun.

If you haven't heard anything from me in five days,

- alert the authorities. - I'll send out a search party.

- Drive safely. - Okey doke.

- Bye-bye, gorgeous. - Have a good time.

- Going to wave? Bye-bye. - Can I give a little wave to you?

No?

I'm going to give another little wave to you.

- Bye! - Oh, I'm going. Right, bye-bye.

Did you say goodbye to Dad?

Say goodbye. Are you going to wave?

I thought we'd go M 1 , M6, come off at Junction 3 1 ,

and, er, then it's a short drive on the A59,

to Clitheroe,

er, and from there it's a very short hop to Whitewell.

And how long will that take?

- About four hours. - Four hours? That's not very much.

ROB: Why aren't we using sat nav?

STEVE: I've always liked maps.

When we would go holiday as kids, my dad would plan the route, you know,

show us on the map what the route was and we'd all follow it. It was great.

ROB: The good news is I've found the M 1 .

I wouldn't have had you down as having a four-wheel drive.

It's not mine. Mischa thought it would be good.

She thought it would be useful in the Lake District, Yorkshire Dales.

You know, it's not like down south, Rob, there's a lot of bumpy roads up there.

Where... Why isn't she here?

Because she's...she had to go back to America.

Oh, dear. Have you... You haven't, er... You haven't separated?

It's in limbo. You know, it's in limbo.

Is it all over?

No, I don't know, I don't know, it's just, it's all...

ROB: Oh, let's go here, let's get some breakfast here.

STEVE: Er... Can... Ooooh, no, let's not.

I've been up since half past five with Chloe and I've not eaten a single thing.

Really?

You could write about it. Why don't you review the food, say,

"I'm starting off by talking about what real people eat."

No, that's been done.

It's been done before.

ROB: It's 201 0, everything's been done before.

All you can do is do something someone's done before

but do it better or differently.

To some extent, that's correct.

(IN-CAR STEREO PLAYS)

(# JOY DIVISION: Atmosphere)

ROB: Why are we listening to this?

STEVE: That... That's what I've chosen for the soundtrack for this landscape.

It's not expected. You think of that as industrial, of...

Associate that music normally with an urban landscape.

# Walk

# In silence

# Don't walk away

# In silence

# See the danger

# Always danger

# Endless talking

# Life rebuilding

# Don't walk away... #

- (STEVE CLEARS THROAT HEARTILY) - ROB: This looks lovely.

Beautiful, isn't it, eh?

ROB: It's the sort of place you'd shoot a Miss Marple.

- Hello. - Hi, hi.

Should be a reservation under the name Coogan.

- Absolutely. - Two... Two rooms under Coogan.

Sorry, we only have one double room for you.

Er, it may be under his name, Brydon,

is there another room under the name Brydon?

No, no, no Brydon. Sorry.

Oh, I thought there should have been two rooms, but...

Hello, hi. Hi.

This is...Mr Brydon. Erm, can we book another room?

I'm sorry, but we're fully booked tonight, sir.

We can share, that's all right.

- Nooo, we can't. - It's a big room.

Right, I'm going to call, er, Emma, get to the bottom of this.

- Seriously, I don't mind sharing a bed, - There's no signal here. What do I do?

Er, sometimes you can get it outside.

- OK. - At the back.

OK, all right, I'll try and sort this out.

Ohhh...dear...me. (SIGHS)

(PHON E RINGS)

Hello?

- Hi, Emma. - Hiya.

Listen, I'm at the Inn At Whitewell...

- Yeah. - There's only one room.

Well, you can stay with Mischa, can't you?

I'm not with Mischa, I'm with Rob Brydon.

But this is lovely. I mean, I'd be happy to sleep here.

- (BOTH LAUGH) - (PHON E RINGS)

Put a little bed down there, and I'd sleep there very happily.

So, are you friends, or...?

No, we work together...

So I'm just, you know...

Are you his assistant?

- (PHON E RINGS) - (HE CHUCKLES)

In a way, yes.

I thought you said you were going with Mischa?

No, I said I was thinking of going with Rob. I told you.

OK, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Now I'm left having to share a room with Rob for the night.

Sorry, I messed up.

Make sure all the other hotels have got separate rooms. Right?

OK.

Right, thank you. All right, love, bye.

Sorry, it's a bit of a warren here.

No, it's, er...part of its charm.

- Thank you. - So what's your name?

Magda.

- Magda? - And yours?

Er, Steve. Yes. None of this Mr Coogan nonsense.

So, here it is.

ROB: Oh, very nice.

- Beautiful, yes. - Very nice indeed.

It's a very nice view.

Look at that. Very big.

- MAGDA: So... - There we go. Come on, up you jump.

OK, um, I'll leave you to it and...

STEVE: Thank you, thanks.

And...here is the key. OK, bye.

This is a huge bed, we could easily share this bed.

It might be huge to you,

it's average size to me.

Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're considerably taller(!) Erm...

What's the problem anyway?

What do you think's going to happen, eh?

You might touch my bottom.

Oh, right.

Were you an altar boy?

Yes, I was.

- Seriously? - Yes.

Oh, all right. Well, I'll go on the sofa if you want, if it's...

Sorry, I didn't realise we were into Oprah Winfrey territory.

Are you seriously saying you were abused as a child

when you were an altar boy?

Only verbally

and physically.

Not sexually, no, just...just punched

by a priest.

(SHEEP BLEAT OUTSIDE)

ROB: There's no signal here, you won't get a signal.

STEVE: No, I'm on the... I'm on wireless.

- Ah... - Who's having the scallops?

I am the scallops.

- Thank you very much. - And the soup.

- Thank you, lovely. - OK? Enjoy your starters.

Thank you.

Soup of the day. Can't go wrong.

Erm...yeah. Yeah, yours looks more interesting, but, er...

Mmm, what's yours like?

Well, it tastes of tomatoes.

Not a connoisseur, are you, with food?

Look, the reason I was doing this trip was to bring Mischa along.

She's passionate about food, she loves food.

She's the food buff, then, out of the two of you.

She's a very confident foodie, I thought she could help me and...

I wanted to show Mischa the, er...

You know, the North.

- Show her a piece of me. - You're from Manchester.

You could take her round and show her the...the gun-crime sites.

I'm from the North, the North has an identity of itself.

- Yeah, not the same way that Wales does. - And Manchester... And if...

I think it does.

I think if the North had a... The North could be a different country.

It has as much of an identity as Wales.

Are you seriously saying that you think the North of England

- has a stronger... - What...

Hang on. A stronger identity than Wales?

Yes. Yeah...yes.

Industrial Revolution, the very first railway in the world, in Manchester,

which revolutionised the world, probably more than anything else

in the last 200 years.

Richard Burton.

(AS BURTON) ...will he inform the next admiral in actuality it means like God.

Anthony Hopkins.

(AS HOPKINS) I want a room with a view, I want to see a tree. (SUCKS TEETH)

I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself by doing impressions

needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Well, broadsheet journalists have described my impressions

as "stunningly accurate".

Well, they're wrong. I've not heard your Michael Caine,

but I assume it would be something along the lines of,

(AS CAIN E) My name's Michael Caine.

That is where you are so wrong, and you can look at my live video for proof

because that's the very thing I don't do.

- I say that he used to talk like that... - Do, do.... Do your Michael Caine.

OK.

(AS CAIN E) I say that Michael Caine used to talk like this in the 1 960s. Right?

But that has changed and I say that over the years...

(DESCEN DING PITCH) ...Michael's voice has come down several octaves...

Let me finish.

...and all of the cigars and the brandy...

Let me finish.

- ...can now be heard... - OK.

I've not fucking finished.

...in the back of the voice and the voice now will...

I've still not finished.

- ...the voice... - Because you're panicking.

Because you look like you're about to bloody talk!

Let me finish. Right. So...

Michael Caine's voice now, in the Batman movies,

and in Harry Brown.

I can't go fast because Michael Caine talks very, very slowly.

Right, this is how Michael Caine speaks.

(AS CAIN E) Michael Caine speaks through his nose, like that.

He gets very, very specific, it's very like that.

When it gets loudly, it gets very loud indeed.

It gets very specific,

it's not quite nasal enough, the way you're doing it.

All right? You're not doing it the way he speaks.

You're not doing it with the kind of... and you don't do the broken voice

when he gets very emotional, when he gets very emotional indeed.

She was only 1 6 years old.

She was only 1 6... You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

That's Michael Caine.

Excuse me, sorry.

Thank you very much.

- Was everything OK? - Oh, it was very nice indeed.

- Quite tomatoey. - Good !

- And soupy. - Thank you.

Hotter than I was expecting, more heat in the chilli sauce.

There was a lot of heat in my scallops.

- My scallops were hot. - There's a joke there.

(AS AL PACINO) Plenty of heat in my scallops.

Heat, Pacino, De Niro, Michael Mann.

What do you got?

Four bodies in a morgue.

I'm out there, every fuckin' day!

Oh... Yeah? Heat.

A movie where De Niro and Pacino are running a celebrity magazine.

(AS PACINO) What do you got?

I need a photo exclusive of Katie Price having a Botox.

(AS DE NIRO) Ain't got it, Al, we can't do it, we can't do it.

It's not looking...

(AS PACINO) What do you mean, it's not lookin' good?

I gotta have her on the front page! Right now!

Every day I'm there!

Hey, calm it down. It's all right, sorry!

It's all right, they don't mind, they love it.

Yeah, well, not sure about that, but anyway...

Ever work with Michael Mann?

I don't work with mainstream Hollywood directors, I work with auteurs.

Like in Rain Man?

(AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN) Oh, I'm an excellent director. I'm an excellent director.

I directed the whole movie. In one go.

No, that's autistic.

I know that.

I wonder... That's autistic savant. I don't think...

Is there such a thing as an autistic impressionist? Because if there is,

I think that might be the key to your condition.

(AS PACINO) Maybe...you're right. I don't know.

But I see a guy with something stuck up his ass

who's too...uptight

to let go.

No, no, I like humour, I like levity, I like brevity,

I just like to, er...

Gravity, where do you stand on that?

Um...firmly,

on terra firma.

(AS HOFFMAN) You like levity, brevity and gravity.

It's great to meet you, it's terrific to meet you, I gotta tell you,

you're a terrific actor. I like your work.

I caught your work the other day.

I was watching the television in my room, and I said, "Who is this guy?

"He's not as tall as Coogan, but he's better. I like him a lot."

Do you find as you get older...

um...food...gets stuck in your teeth more...

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

...more readily?

- You know why that is? - Why?

Receding gums.

Revealing the crack, the gap, between the tooth and the gum.

- All right. - Look, look how much, look.

What are you showing me?

My gums.

Those...look all right, you know.

(MUFFLED) Can you see any receding?

- Mmm, yes, yes. - Yeah?

Well, that is a honey trap for morsels of food.

That is an open invitation.

A bit of food sees that, he goes running towards it.

It's not good if you're on a date.

You still go on dates, do you?

Yes, when I pick me... What I do is, I normally go to the toilet...

I take a toothpick, go to the toilet, and just get every little bit out of me teeth,

or try and avoid foods that get lodged in your teeth.

Really?

You don't want to try and go and kiss a girl

with a bug lump of chicken stuck inside one of your molars.

See, that strikes me as odd,

that a man at our age would be thinking about trying to kiss girls.

- Hi, sorry. - Hello.

- Um, it's your lucky day. - Why?

We've had a cancellation, you don't have to share a bed tonight.

I'll drink to that.

Shall I... Should I leave you in room 1 5 and move Mr Brydon into seven, or...?

Which is the better room?

Well, seven is a bit bigger, but I prefer 1 5. Maybe you want to see it?

Um... Yes, I think I would.

Do you mind excusing me?

I could come as well, if you want.

Naaah.

Yeah, it's open.

So. Sorry...

OK.

OK. So this is...room number seven.

That's nice, yeah.

Beautiful room.

Nice view.

Yeah.

I find the view... It's very important.

You can't go wrong in...just around this area, everything's beautiful.

It is, I know, it's really...

It's very high, isn't it? It reminds me of The Princess And The Pea.

You know that - Hans Christian Andersen?

Do you know him in Poland?

- No, of course, of course we...we... - Oh, OK.

Yes. No, we do read.

Right. OK. Where's he from?

Um...Denmark.

Denmark, that's right, yes, Denmark. Don't like the Danish.

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) No, it's like that. No, it's like that.

It's really nice. Really nice.

(MUTTERS)

...it's really nice.

So how long...how long have you worked here? Do you... Long, or...?

- Almost a year. - Right, OK.

So, you and Rob, do you work a lot together or...?

Very rarely... If I can avoid it.

(LAUGHS) I mean, you seem to know each other quite well.

It's all right, but the relationship's purely platonic.

So, what shall we do?

Well, which is the one you liked?

- Um, 1 5. Yeah, I prefer 1 5. - Well, I think we should go for that.

Do they accommodate you here or...?

Well, there are cottages for the staff, yes,

- at the main house so, yes... - Oh.

- I live nearby. - Oh, that's...that's handy.

Well, very nearby, yes.

STEVE: Hi, is that Greg?

It is, yes.

- Hey. - Hey, how are you?

Very good. You, er, e-mailed me, asked me to call.

Can you hear me, Greg?

- No, I can't... - Can you hear me now?

Can you hear me now?

Yes. Yes, I can hear...yeah.

OK, I'll stay here.

Right, er, Doctor Who...

- Doctor Who? - ...are very keen again.

What, is it the baddie?

Yep.

I don't want to do British TV.

Well, I mean, all you need is... You just need one film, Steve, and that will...

- that will propel you. - I've done ten.

You need the right film.

You see, you've got... you've got a huge amount of momentum

behind you.

Yeah, you get momentum when you're going downhill.

Well... Well, yes, but...

I want to be in films.

Good films.

Where exactly are you at the moment? Where...

I'm in the Trough of Bowland.

Rather appropriately, Greg, I'm in...I'm in a trough.

Literally and metaphorically.

Yeah. Is... Is Mischa with you, is she enjoying it?

Yes, she's... Yes, she's... Yes, she is, yes.

(ENGIN ES ROAR)

(COWS MOO IN THE DISTANCE)

(HE PANTS)

(PHON E DIALLING TON E)

Hello?

(LOUDLY) Hello.

Hey, it's me.

What time is it?

It's... It's...

It's 1 2 o'clock your time.

Oh, shit, I'm late.

What, you just got up?

Yeah, I had a really late night.

I think I got in at like three or four maybe.

Where... Where did you go?

I told you, I went to this, um, magazine party

at this magazine launch, I thought it would be

a good place to go and meet some people and pitch some of my ideas.

Yeah, it was really good.

I met some amazing people and there was lots of interest.

Yes? Who... Who did you meet? Who was interesting?

I met the...the editor of Esquire

and he...

he's interested in the story I did about the bikers

when I went back home.

Does he fancy you?

God, you know what?

That really pisses me off when you do that, like I've got nothing else to offer.

- I'm not, I'm not... - Whatever. Listen, I gotta go.

I'm going to be late. OK?

OK. Hey... Uh... Uh...

Well, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

Good.

I gotta go. Listen, well, let's just speak later, OK?

- OK. - OK.

- Bye. Bye, baby. - Bye.

(HE SIGHS)

(CHURCH BELL CHIMES)

(CLOTHES RUSTLE)

Bye.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(HE EXHALES DEEPLY)

I thought we'd go up to Dunsop Bridge, up through the Trough of Bowland,

through Abbeystead, get on the M6 at Junction 33

and then off at Junction 36 a bit further up,

and that will take us almost all the way to Cartmel.

(MOOING AN D BLEATING)

Did you, uh... Did you cement Anglo-Polish relations?

Um... There was a summit...in my bedroom.

I won't go into detail but there were more than talks about talks.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say there was an historic accord.

"What joy it was to be alive, but to be young was very heaven."

That's Wordsworth, I think, going on about the French Revolution.

That was when he was younger,

before he started going on about daffodils.

(SHEEP BLEAT)

This is a wild and windy moor.

It is. Misty moor, really, but you know.

- Christy Moore. - Christy Moore.

Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.

Roger Moore. Kenneth More.

Dudley. (AS DUDLEY MOORE) Dudley and Peter.

- Peter and Dudley. - Oh, God.

BOTH: # Out on the wild and windy moor

# We'd roll and fall in green

# You had a temper like my jealousy

# Too hard, too greedy. #

(PHON E RINGS)

Hello.

WOMAN: Hi. Hi. It's me.

- Hi, how... - Er, what...where are you?

I'm, er... We're just in the Trough of Bowland, heading towards...

- Cartmel. - Cartmel.

- To... - Er... Look, can you talk to Joe?

What?

It's just that he's getting a bit out of hand.

- Is he? - He was drinking last night.

Oh, Chrissakes.

One of his friends' parents called me to complain about

his behaviour at their house

and he's been really ill this morning and won't go to school.

So I need you to talk to him because he doesn't listen to me at the moment.

OK, I will... I'll do that today.

Can you do that today?

Yeah. Yes, I will do that today.

- How's Mi-mi? - Well, I've got to go.

- Oh. OK. All right, bye. - Bye. Thanks. Bye.

Well, erm, it's none of my business,

er...but I thought she was very unreasonable.

Catherine manages to put me on the back foot from "hello".

It's...an extraordinary skill.

- Do you like taster menus? - I'm not sure.

I do. I think when they're good, they're really good.

And when it's not done well, it's very...frustrating.

(FRENCH ACCENT) There we have some little canapés to begin with.

A little duet of tapioca-based crackers,

spiced popcorn and the lollipops are made out of duck fat with peanuts.

Thank you very much.

Check on, two covers, lunch menu, please.

Oh, that's a big piece of popcorn, isn't it?

Very nice.

I like that as well. An enormous green Quaver.

Duck fat lolly. Well, why not?

This is like my comedy, it's like... it's familiar,

like we all know what a lolly is, but something very different about it.

And, like lollipops, something that we enjoyed a long time ago.

Mm.

To begin with we have a nice little appetiser.

We've got liquor made out of mallow leaves, topped with a fizz which

is made out of ginger beer, with whisky, as well as chilli.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

That's nice, it's like, um...

Tastes of a childhood garden.

Well, it's got a bit of alcohol in it so it tastes...

Was there a lot of alcohol in your garden as a child? I'm sorry, Rob.

CHEF: You have a go, see if you can do it better...

- Everything is all right? - Lovely.

Delicious. Very, very different. Very interesting, yeah. Cheers.

Right.

Mmm, it's got... It is a bit...

I mean, do you know, I have to say, the consistency

is a bit like...is a bit like snot, but it tastes great.

They say it was delicious.

What can I say?

I can't get the image of snot out of my head now.

(STEVE CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Every time I look at... That was lovely! Really nice.

Thank you.

Use my tweezers for this.

There we are, gentlemen, at the bottom of those little sacks

you've got some diced smoked kale as well as

shredded radishes, covered with very smooth duck foie gras mousse.

- Enjoy. - Thank you very much.

Mm. This is fantastic.

So your next course is what we call the Humphrey's Pool.

It's a shellfish broth made out of mussels, clams, cockles,

which are cooked in their own juices

before to be garnished with shredded local seaweed.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Enjoy that.

Never... Never eaten a "selfish broth" before.

He mentioned cooking in their own juices. Imagine that, eh?

Lovely thought, isn't it?

Being cooked in your own juice.

I'll be honest, I don't think I could muster more than a thimbleful.

It's a cold dish, this one.

You've got some little Manx queenies, which are baby queen scallops.

They are resting on griddled baby gem

and a parsnip coulis as well as a light, creamy horseradish sauce.

- Thank you. - Lovely.

Rather optimistic to say they're resting.

Their days of resting have been and gone, they are dead.

So what we have at the base of the dish, we've got a goat cheese mousse

and a globe artichoke purée

and that is garnished with deep-fried globe artichoke leaves

as well as baby Jerusalem artichokes.

- Thank you very much. - Thank you.

Um, I don't like artichoke. I should just say that.

Drinking the wine makes me feel quite sophisticated.

A bit like, you know, James Bond ordering a Martini.

(AS SEAN CON N ERY) I'd like a... I'd like a Martini, shaken,

not stirred.

I want it now.

Don't make me wait.

(AS CON N ERY) I'll have a vodka Martini, shaken but not stirred.

I'll have a vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred.

- I'll have a vodka... - I'll have a vodka...

You look very worried.

So do you. You should take a look at your face.

I'd like a vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred.

You look like you're recovering from a stroke

and learning how to get mobility again.

I'd... I'd like a vodka Martini, shaken but not stirred.

I can feel my legs, it's a miracle!

(AS ROGER MOORE) I'd like a vodka Martini, shaken but not stirred.

(AS MOORE) I'd like a vodka Martini, shaken, not stirred.

(AS SCARAMANGA) Come, come, Mr Bond,

you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

(AS SCARAMANGA) Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure...

I was saying that bit!

Well, don't caricature, try and do it real. Come, come, Mr Bond...

Shut up! Don't tell me how to act.

- I... Well, I bloody should do. - Why?

Because sometimes you tend to sort of crank it up a bit...

Yeah, whereas you are widely regarded as the king of understatement(!)

All right, I'd do it like this.

Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just much of... Come, come, Mr Bond...

- Try and get the lines right. - All right!

As a rule it's more effective if you don't fluff the lines.

OK. But I'll deliver it with a nice bit of understatement.

Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

That was the worst of the lot.

OK. All right, OK, this is it.

Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

Fucking yeah!

No, you went up at the end.

- Like you watch Australian soaps. - Yes! But you see what I did on my face?

Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as much pleasure from killing...as I do?

Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

When I kill, I kill for Queen and country.

Though I admit, killing you will...

(ECHOING) ...give me great pleasure.

Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive just as much pleasure...

(MUMBLES AN D ECHOES)

Sorry. You derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do.

(PHON E RINGS)

- Hello. - MISCHA: Hi.

- Hey. - Hey.

It's me.

Hey, how's it going?

It's great, it's great. I'm... Yeah... It's... Yeah.

- Where are you now? - I'm in L'Enclume.

No way.

Yeah. I'm at the... at the fancy-schmancy restaurant.

Oh, I really wanted to go there.

What's happening with the... with that editing thing,

the job with the guy, you know, in the...

It's going really well, I think. They gave me an assignment in Las Vegas.

Las Vegas? What, you're going... What are you going there for?

- For work, I just told you... - To do what?

- ...I'm going to go and write there. - What are you going to write about?

I'm going to go do this really interesting piece on...on prostitutes in Vegas,

a kind of like "good girls gone bad Vegas-style" story.

Well, what if you become a good girl gone bad?

Oh, Jesus, Steve.

What, do you think I'm going to go to Las Vegas and become a prostitute?

Hey, Joe. Er, it's Dad.

Er...just wanted to have a chat, you know, see what's happening,

er, so give me a call when you can, right?

Love you. Bye.

Are you all right?

- SALLY: Yeah, fine. - Yeah. All good? Chloe OK?

(MOBILE PHON E RINGS)

Hello.

"It's Ste-e-e-eve Coogan, eh?" (LAUGHS)

Ha-ha. Hey, Matt, how are you doing?

- I'm doing good, man. How are you? - Good, good. Yeah, great.

Would you be up for a bit of, er... bit of phone sex?

Would you be interested in that?

Yeah, I might be, mmm. Yes.

(AS HUGH GRANT) Could I... Could I interest you in some rather salacious,

sort of, if I sort of do this Hugh Grant, might that sort of...get you...

No.

- ...get you, as it were, going? - He doesn't do it for me.

(SHE GIGGLES)

You know, it's like I keep telling you...

I just...

...it's like the tortoise and the hare, all right?

So I'm... What, so I'm a tortoise? Great(!)

Speaking of boiled eggs, I'm not wearing any pyjama bottoms.

Ahh, you saucy boy!

Don't... Don't say, "Ahh." You should say, "Oooh!"

Phwoar!

Yeah, "phwoar", thank you.

Someone overheard Nick Stevens at an Endeavour meeting or whatever,

someone brought my name up and he said,

"I wish I'd gotten hold of Steve Coogan when he was 35."

I mean, I feel... I thought,

"Crikey, is that it? Is it game over?"

I mean, I'm 41 , you know, and...

You're not 41 .

I'm not, no, I'm 44. I've been 41 for three years.

I've been telling people I'm 41 for three years.

You get yourself off to, er, off to Noddington, and I shall, er...

I shall bed down here with a rock as my pillow, the stars as my canopy

and this...local barmaid as my duvet.

(SHE LAUGHS)

I like the way you laugh at that, like it's not a possibility.

I know it's not going to happen.

What do you mean, it's not going to happen?

- Well, I mean, it could. - I pulled you.

It's a good time for you. It's a good time to be Steve Coogan.

OK, good, that all sounds great. Thank you. I hope so.

But I can't do anything when you're stuck over there.

So, get your ass back here.

OK. We'll do that. Thanks for calling.

- All right. Ciao. - OK, bye.

(HE SIGHS)

It's incredible, everybody wants to work with you.

I get a call from PT Anderson, I get a call from Wes Anderson,

Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne, all of them.

- They're all auteurs. - Yeah, and they're all geniuses

and they want to work with the genius.

I want to do mainstream movies.

Well, the Farrelly brothers want to work with you, OK?

The Scotts, Tony and Ridley,

they want to do a movie together, never done that before.

They want to do a thing with you where it's, like, the future

but it's 500 years in the past and you're like a...some guy who's like a warrior

that came... I don't even know what it is but they want to do it with you. OK?

It's incredible.

Coens, calling up. Wachowskis, both of them, want to work with you.

All the brothers, my man, all the brothers

want a piece of Coogs.

STEVE: It's like... I can't believe it's happening.

Well, Steve, guess what? Wake up, smell the coffee.

All right? The dream is happening, right now.

You're living the dream, Steve.

- (HE MUMBLES) - It's all a dream.

Come back!

Wait... Come back.

Can't. I've got a thing, but...

I don't think I'll talk to you later, but at some point, OK?

(MUTTERS)

So, I thought we'd take the B5278 along the west bank of Windermere,

then when we get to Rydal we're going to take the A59 1 up to Keswick.

I've printed out some reviews...

Oh, great. Oh, that's good.

...for L'Enclume,

and, basically, with L'Enclume you can say whatever you want,

because it goes from the terrible to the wonderful.

Victor Lewis-Smith.

Um... "Never mind all the talk of inventiveness and variety,

"the result was as formulaic as McDonald's,

"with the same splatter of Technicolor bird shit on every plate."

- Then... - That's a bit unkind.

Giles Coren in The Times.

"Love is not strong enough to describe

"what I felt about L'Enclume in Cartmel.

"I am breathless with admiration, respect and awe

"for the skill, imagination and restraint

"of the 20-odd plates of Simon Rogan's food that I ate in my two visits."

Two thirds of the way through that you were thinking of doing

- Anthony Hopkins, weren't you? - Yes.

Yeah, I heard it in your voice.

Are you glad I didn't?

I am glad you didn't and I admire your restraint.

(AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) "I was dazzled, blown away by the originality, integrity

"and extravagance I found in the best of restaurant experience I've had for years!"

"Love, not strong enough to describe what I felt about it!"

Please, stop.

"Restaurant I would easily promise to honour and obey."

I would honour you, sir!

I would honour your restaurant, sir! No, sir, I shall not. Arghh! Arghh!

"I'm breathless with admiration, respect and awe."

All right! All right. Jesus Christ, it's so early, shouting like that.

"I'm breathless with admiration."

It's really unpleasant.

Well, he is when he does that.

I know, I know he is but... And by default...you are. Right now.

I inhabit the role, sir. I'm not a turn, am I? I inhabit the role.

Yeah, I know, you're a real Method actor, you're right up there

with Pacino and...

Oh, Christ, I'd better be careful what I say.

(AS AL PACINO) What do you got? Hello! Hello!

There's method in my madness.

ROB: Why are we self-catering?

STEVE: We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall

when Mischa was going to come with me originally,

because we thought we could make love in the bed that Coleridge...

Ah, yes.

...Coleridge slept in and made love in

and it would lend a poetic, romantic frisson to our...congress.

Still be romantic. Just the two of us.

We can be chummy.

- Yeah, exactly, chummy. - Yeah.

- Chummy. - Without the bum.

ROB: Bumless chums.

STEVE: Bum... Bumless chums.

Coleridge left quite quickly after he moved here.

So Robert Southey had his wife and Coleridge's wife

and another Fricker sister living here, plus the children.

Erm, so he was the only man looking after all these children.

- Seriously? - Yeah, the wives, as well.

So he... You know, he had to...

- Cos Coleridge was off on his travels. - Away.

Couldn't cope with the domesticity of life, he found it very difficult.

He found it very hard to be creative.

Yes. Yes, there's bells ringing all over the place here.

He came back, though, didn't he?

Periodically he would come back and visit. Uh-huh.

We don't think... Well, there isn't much evidence

that he actually sent any money back, which is a bit tricky.

I'm very consistent with my maintenance, Rob.

Oh, no, you are. I would never say anything...

In case you wanted to draw a parallel there.

- So, this was Coleridge's... - Wow.

...study, and possibly his bedroom as well.

Hey, he would like...probably had... er, opium in here, maybe?

Erm, possibly laudanum, because that's what they were taking at that time,

initially as a painkiller, but then perhaps he would have...

Well, he did become addicted to it.

Ooh, eeh!

Look at that. See that?

Beautiful.

- You can't paint that. - Well...

Well, you could, but... be a bit rubbish.

Probably sell it for about 2 5 quid in one of the tourist shops round here.

Why do you do that, eh? Why?

You know it's physically impossible?

Ahhh!

Me back.

(HE EXHALES)

Are you ready to order?

- ROB: Yes, please. Shall I go first? - Yep.

Could I have the scallops to start, please?

And then I'll have the pigeon as the main course.

I will have the rabbit, please, followed by the lamb.

Thank you.

Nice image, rabbit following a lamb.

That's a bit weird, Rob.

- A bit weird, isn't it? - Yeah.

Can we have a knife for the butter, please,

and a rolled-up £20 note for the salt? Thank you.

Gentlemen, your wines.

The Germanier and the Gevrey Premier Cru.

Oh, marvellous.

Premier Cru, I know that that means it's good, Premier Cru.

"Premier", first, the best, "cru"...

Don't know.

Mystery. Mystery.

But that's good. It's good to have mystery about these things.

It's a premier, that's good.

It's the first of something.

MAN: OK, service.

Table six, scallops.

This is Hazlitt on Coleridge.

"All that he had done of moment he had done 20 years ago.

"Since then he may be as said to live on the sound of his own voice.

"He is a general lover of art and science..." - that's true -

"...and wedded to no-one in particular."

- Oh, it's about... - That's very true.

OK, it's about me, I didn't realise, but carry on.

"He pursues knowledge as a mistress."

OK.

"It was not to be supposed

"that Mr Coleridge could keep on at the rate he set off."

(AS ALAN PARTRIDGE) A-ha!

- "He could not realise all he knew..." - Is that written down?

"...and less, could not fix his desultory ambition.

"Other stimulants supplied the place..."

Careful, you were going into Jimmy Savile then, but...I'll let it go.

"Other stimulants supplied the place and kept up the intoxicating dream,

"the fever and the madness of his early impressions."

Right, I don't do impressions.

I'm saying that it can be hard to have a big success.

Bob Balaban said, "Never be hot, always be warm,"

and a lot of the people that are thought of as great had - psshhhh! -

- supernova moments. - Yeah.

Where do you go from there?

Well, it's difficult, you know,

once you've achieved greatness to... to match that.

I imagine it is.

Yeah, and you'll always imagine,

because it's not a problem you'll ever have to contend with.

But that's not a problem for me. Why?

I'd rather be me than you,

because I'd rather have these moments of genius

than, er...than-than-than a lifetime of...

mediocrity.

My career is not mediocre.

MAN: Doesn't matter about the time.

- Scallops. - ROB: Thank you very much.

STEVE: Well, if you... Thank you. Thanks. Golly, thank you.

I always think of Coleridge as sort of a Richard Burton type character.

(AS BURTON) "In Xanadu did Kubla Khan A stately pleasure-dome decree

"Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

"Through caverns measureless to man Down to a sunless sea."

I'm very impressed. You've shocked me, because I would have thought

that your...that you would have preferred Olivia Newton-John's version of Xanadu.

I think both Newton-John and Coleridge

tackled the subject of Xanadu with varying degrees of success.

They call it Xana-DU.

- Yes. - Xana-DU.

Xaaaaa-nadu. In...

Xanadu.

First one, pigeon, lamb, on call, followed by duck, lamb, on call.

Service!

- The lamb. - Thank you.

- Golly, that...that does look nice. - Pigeon. Thank you.

That looks lovely. What is that?

- Pigeon. - Really?

Yeah.

- Mmm! - That's a little haggis.

Yeah.

Anyone ever asks you to go on a haggis hunt, be careful what you say.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) They're taking you for a fool.

(AS SEAN CON N ERY) Taking you for a fool.

He's a bloody fool.

There's no such thing as a haggis hunt.

(STEVE EXHALES SLOWLY)

(ROB MUMBLES IN DISTINCTLY AS CON N ERY)

I just imagined myself putting my knife upside down

and just pressing my head onto it then.

Desperate to be taken seriously, aren't you?

No! You can't treat your entire life like...a Radio 4 panel show.

Bzzzz! Yes, you can.

(STEVE LAUGHS)

Alex James said he celebrated his 20th birthday with alcohol,

his 30th with drugs and his 40th with food.

Is that how it is for you?

Erm...

Well, don't you find it exhausting?

Still running around, going to parties and chasing girls, at your age?

I don't run around and go to parties, or chase girls.

You do!

- No, I... - You chase girls.

I don't chase them. You make me sound like Benny Hill.

But don't you find all that exhausting at your age?

No. Do you find it exhausting looking after a baby?

- Yes, I do. - Yeah, well...

Everything's exhausting when you're past 40...

Everything's exhausting at our age.

(STEVE EXHALES SLOWLY)

(RINGING TON E)

- Hi, Emma. - Hey. You all right?

Yeah, I got a missed call.

Yeah, I was just phoning

to remind you about the photographer.

She's going to meet you at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

OK. Well, hang on...

- Photographer? - Yeah, for the photos for the article.

We talked about it in the office, remember?

- Yeah, it's on my itinerary. - Oh, right, yeah. OK, yeah.

Her name's Yolanda, by the way,

and I'm going come up with her tomorrow, so you'll see me, then.

- Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then, yeah? - Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

- All right. - Good. OK, bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

A-ha!

(VOICE ECHOES)

- (SHEEP BLEAT) - STEVE: This is Langdale.

You know what that means?

It means "long valley" in Viking.

This would have... Oof!

This... All this was formed in the last ice age, about 1 0,000 years ago.

Incredible, isn't it?

ROB: How far are we going to go?

- Just a little bit further. - Because it's late.

I know, I know.

As you can see, the sun is now the other side of the....

- ROB: Hello. - STEVE: It's OK. Hello.

- Hello. - Hi.

Human history's been recorded for... What? ...3,000 years?

And yet...right now, we're in a warm period,

but there's going to be another ice age very soon.

In about, say, I don't know, a few thousand years.

But that's, you know, a blink of an eye.

The rock... The rocks here were formed 400 million years ago.

400 million years ago.

It's like...where we are now, this was a huge volcanic caldera,

this was a volcanic lake of molten volcano,

and it was on a landmass called Avalonia that drifted from Southport

all the way to where we are now over hundreds of million of years.

ROB: We shouldn't probably go much further, just because of the light.

It's, er... Isn't that beautiful, that?

- Yeah. - It's just...

I think it's... Obviously, it's more beautiful in the mist.

- ROB: This is gorgeous. - It's like a...

It's like a Turner painting.

(STEVE EXHALES)

Erm, have you got two tickets for Dove Cottage?

I'm really sorry, sir, but the last admission is five o'clock.

Right, OK. Well, it's...five past.

I'm really sorry, sir, but these are the rules.

- We'll be very quick. - Yes, I know, but...

that really wouldn't be fair on all the other latecomers.

So, what other latecomers? I can't see anyone.

- No, not at the moment, but... - Please...

- We've come from London. - Why didn't you come earlier?

Well, that's... Because I got...stuck in traffic.

Well, I'm really sorry. Perhaps you could come back tomorrow.

- I can't... - Is this man troubling you?

What are you doing?

- Nothing, I just... - Honestly.

We just wondered if we could pop inside and have a little look at the cottage.

Mr Brydon?

Yes, it is.

It's very nice to meet you.

Would you do something for me?

- I have a grandson... - Depends what it is.

I have a grandson and, um,

he loves that, um, tiny man...

- Small Man In A Box? - ...small man in the box that you do.

Could you sign...sign this for him?

- Sure. Yeah. - Thank you.

Er...what's his name?

His name is William.

Well, look, I'll sign this for William, OK...

- Yes? - ..if, er...

(AS SMALL MAN IN A BOX) ...if my friend and I can go

take a look at Dove Cottage. What do you say?

I don't... I don't understand that. Why... Why...

Why do people have to be like that?

She wasn't being like anything.

It is only open for another half an hour,

and that woman, in all fairness, is probably bereaved.

Yeah, but it's not my fault her husband's dead.

No, but you...

It's just... Old people sometimes... Not all old people,

but a lot of them, seek out aggravation.

Oh, that's utter rubbish. She was a love... She was lovely.

Looks not unlike yourself in that picture.

OK, ready? One, two...

(CLICK)

- Want some? - Er...no, thank you.

- Sure? - Absolutely. Never smoked.

Hmm.

That's the...

That's the trouble with you, Rob. You're not open to new experiences.

(SCOFFS)

I would remind you of the time I had a Red Bull and Coke.

That's not what Coleridge would have been, er...

would have been imbibing. He wouldn't have been having a spliff, would he?

No, he wouldn't, but if they'd been around...

He would definitely have partaken if they'd been around.

If you really want to pay tribute to him, you should be having some, um...opium.

What? That's...

Or its modern-day equivalent.

This... This...

Well, no, the modern-day equivalent of that, that's heroin.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

I'm not a junkie, Rob.

I'm not encouraging you to become hooked on heroin.

- I'm just saying... - Sounds like you are.

- I'm not. Why would I do that? - I don't know, for a laugh.

Ah, it's a hell of a laugh (!)

You know Steve? Have you seen Steve lately?

He's living in that council estate,

curled up in his own shit. It was my doing, that was.

I suggested he try heroin. Cracking idea.

I would never do that.

Most creative people... The most creative people...smoke, you know...

...smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

- Are you Steve Coogan? - Yes, I am.

- A-ha! - A-ha.

(LAUGHS) All right, mate, how are you doing?

- Fine, thanks. - Listen, do us a favour, would you?

- Can you sign that? - Yes, of course.

- Make it out to Paul. - OK.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, of course, absolutely.

- Is it true, what I read about you? - And what do you read about me?

That you're a bit of a cunt.

Well, where did you read that?

Well, it's in today's newspaper. Here, look.

Er, whoever said that doesn't know me very well.

Are you sure?

(CHUCKLES)

What?

MAN: "Coogan is a cunt," says Dad. (LAUGHS)

STEVE: Cunt?

Did you not... Did you not sleep well, or something?

No. I couldn't get off because of the food

and then when I did get off

I was, um, having awful dreams, really bad dreams.

Blue cheese.

ROB: Coleridge was a poor sleeper.

I was reading his poem called The Pains Of Sleep.

Mm-hm?

"Sleep, the wide blessing, seemed to me Distemper's worst calamity

"The third night, when my own loud scream Had waked me from the fiendish dream

"O'ercome with sufferings strange and wild

"I wept as I had been a child."

Yes. No, I know that.

That's the drugs.

- What? - Coleridge, the opium.

He was a...big druggie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

ROB: You could have a costume drama here, couldn't you?

- STEVE: I would love... - Mel Gibson coming over the hill.

I would just love to do a costume drama in these hills,

just leaping, vaulting over dry-stone walls with a scabbard,

just that dead look in my eyes because I've seen so many horrors

that I'm sort of immune to it.

And they always say something like, "Gentlemen, to bed.

"Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at first light.

"Tomorrow, we battle...

"...and we may lose our lives,

"but remember, death is but a moment.

- "Cowardice is a lifetime of affliction." - Nice.

"To bed, for we rise at daybreak!"

Very good, very good. Very impressive.

Always leave at daybreak, don't they? They never leave at, you know, 9.30.

"Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9.30."

- "Ish." - "Ish."

"Gentlemen, to bed, for we rise at...

"What time's the battle?"

- "About, oh, 1 2 o'clock". - (LAUGHS) Yes.

"Right. 1 2 o'clock...

"On horseback, about three hours?

"Something like that?

"So...we leave about...8.00, 8.30?"

- 8.30 for 9.00. - Yes.

"Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 8.30 for 9.00,

"and we rise at just after day... 7.30, so just after daybreak.

"Gentlemen, to bed, for we leave at 9.30 on the dot."

- "On the dot." - Do you want to have a run, sire,

- in the morning? - Yes.

- Just to loosen up, sire. - Yes.

You know the other thing they never say is,

"Right, well, we'd better make a move.

"I want to get back in daylight, we'd better make a move."

"To bed. Tomorrow, we rise.

"We leave at 1 0-ish."

"But now, to bed, unless you are one of those people, like me,

"who finds it very hard to get off after he's eaten cheese,

"in which case, stay ye a while by the fire,

"talk of battles past and old

"and then, and only then, sire, go thee to bed."

"And sleep well."

"Sleep the sleep of a thousand martyrs."

- "Sleep well, my brother". - "Sleep well, my sister.

"Sleep with my sister!"

"Sleep well, my brother. Sleep well, my sister.

"But please do not sleep with my sister."

- "Leave my sister out of it, all right?" - "Leave my sister alone."

ROB: "Don't touch her."

"Gentlemen, to bed, for at daybreak I will..."

"Breakfast."

"We will breakfast."

- "Sire, sire..." - "Yes?"

" 'Tis a continental breakfast.

" 'Twill only take 20 minutes max.

"Thank you, Brother Rob."

Brother Rob? Don't call me Brother Rob.

- I'd be Brother Jed. - No, no, no!

You've seen Rob Roy.

Liam Neeson in a kilt. Of course you could be called Rob.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) "Brother, tomorrow... Tomorrow, we shall have breakfast.

"We shall rise at nine and we shall head off tomorrow morning."

"Thank you, Brother Rob, and let me say this...

"Look into my eyes...

"You are my brother and you sound a bit like Billy Connolly."

(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) I know! I know! I can't help it.

(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) "Gentlemen, to bed, for tomorrow we rise at daybreak."

"We rise at daybreak."

(AS BILLY CON NOLLY) How do they do that? They always rise at daybreak.

- # Ba-ba-ba-do-do-do-do - # Bah-bah-bah-do

- # Ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba... # - # La-la-la-la... #

(BOTH CONTINUE TO SCAT)

Their expressions would really match their kind of...

- # Do-be-do bo ba da wah wah... # - Yeah.

Big, open... Happy faces.

(BOTH SCAT)

It was nice.

A very uncynical kind of music.

I miss it. I really miss it.

Hello.

- Hey! Are you all right? - Yes.

- This is Yolanda, the photographer. - Hello, Yolanda. Nice to meet you.

- And Rob, this is Yolanda. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Hi. How are you? You all right? - I'm very good. Are you all right?

EMMA: Mwah!

- Good. - Don't do that.

That's very funny, yeah. There's been none of that on the trip.

- None of that. Heavy petting. - Heavy petting.

- We draw the line... - Pass the time somehow.

- Yeah, but no penetration. - Very good.

- OK, it's just up here. - OK.

And I've looked at all the rooms, and yours is the nicest.

- Good, good. - Yeah.

What's...

- What's Rob's room like? - It's nice, it's nice.

It's not as big as yours, but, yeah...

- Great. - Right. There you go.

Oh, very nice.

- All right, isn't it? - Very beige.

Well, yeah. The bathroom's through there,

there's, like, a little study area and... yeah, it's all right.

Great, great. Right.

Um, listen, have I... have I met Yolanda before?

I don't know. Maybe before my time? Maybe?

We need to get some sort of a system going

about who I've met before,

- and who I haven't, because... - Right.

Because they remember meeting me and I don't remember meeting them

- so it can get embarrassing. - Do you want me to ask her?

- No, no, no, don't ask her. - OK. OK.

Just... Just see if she mentions anything.

Right, OK.

- (SIGHS) So, is this all right? Look OK? - Yeah, you look nice.

You look a bit like that guy off Top Gear.

- What? Jeremy Clarkson? - No, no, no, the other one.

- What, Richard Hammond?! - Yeah, yeah.

That's worse.

Well...

(GROANS SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

- So how has the trip been so far? - Rob?

(AS RON NIE CORBETT) I can honestly say

it's one of the most enjoyable periods of my life. (CHUCKLES)

- Yolanda, you know who that is? - No, I don't.

(LOW CHATTER)

OK, who's this? Ready? Who's this?

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) She was only... She was only 1 5 years old.

She was only 1 5 years old.

She was only 1 5 years... (NORMAL VOICE) Listen to the sound of the voice.

STEVE: Give you a clue - it's not a Muppet.

- (EMMA LAUGHS) - That's all... That's all I'm saying.

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) She was only 1 5 years old.

You're a big man but you're out of shape.

Right, but nowadays his...

Right, now, this is how he sounds now, the voice has gone...

"Shall I prepare the Batmobile, Master Wayne?"

That is how he talks now. Right?

"I've just been to do an Italian Job with Hannah And Her Sisters.

"On the way, I had a bit of a Zulu,

"so I had to pop to the loo and then, then,

"I... I... Not a lot of people..." (NORMAL VOICE) You know that?

- It sounds so familiar... I've really... - He's an international star.

The thing is, is it an actor?

Yes.

No, he's the man who comes and does my boiler(!) Yes, he's an actor.

He might as well be the guy who comes and does your boiler!

No, because if he is an actor, in Spain they dub the films,

- so I really... - Oh. OK.

- What, they dub the films? - I... Yes...

(SPEAKS NONSENSE IN BAD SPANISH ACCENT)

Here we go. (IMITATES DUBBED MICHAEL CAIN E)

Not a lot of people...

- That's not my accent. - Shameless.

- No, it's not. - No, no, it's a rough approximation.

Do you like that racist generalised interpretation of Spanish?

Oh, that is not racist! You're such an arse!

- (BURBLES INCOHERENTLY) - You're such an arse!

Right, ready? Here's a clue. This might give it to you.

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) My name is Michael Caine.

- Oh, OK. Oh, right. It is Michael Caine. - Michael Caine!

STEVE: Hooray! Wow, yes. YOLAN DA: Yeah.

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) Rob's was a very entertaining version

but I don't think, I don't think it was as accurate as mine.

She was only 1 5, she was only 1 5 years old.

You're getting Michael Caines on stereo.

She was only 1 5 years old.

You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

She was only 1 5 years old.

Oh, my God. (LAUGHS) Yeah, I do recognise him now.

(NORMAL VOICE) Excellent, let's move on. Good.

Oh, wow, thank you very much.

I was thinking I could take the photographs up in the hills.

I saw a place when I was coming, very nice.

- OK, sort of lone walker? - ROB: "I wandered lonely as a cloud."

Yeah, although that sounds a bit like I'm lonely.

ROB: Are you going to change your clothes?

Again.

- Well, actually, um... - I wouldn't wear that on the hills.

No, you're right. I've got proper walking gear. I've got, you know, crampons...

(AS ALAN PARTRIDGE) Urrr! I like to go for a nice ramble, Lynn. Up Helvellyn!

- I have boots. I have... - Ohh!

"Lynn, Lynn, where are my crampons?"

"Why have you brought tampons? That's not what I said !"

"No, you fool, crampons."

- "Urrr!" - That's good.

You could have written for the show,

because it's so up there with the best stuff(!)

I'd love to quote your own stuff back at you, but I...I just don't know any.

No.

Odd, because you were executive producer on a lot of it.

- And I still don't know any. - You never were that attentive at work!

(CLOCK CHIMES)

So, this is it. It's kind of, you know...

- Nice. - Yes, whatever. It's...creamy.

If you like cream, then you'll be happy, I guess.

- There's a little seating area there. - Mm-hm.

- Bathroom. - Wow. It's very nice.

Don't know why I'm telling you.

Petits fours. Why are they called petits fours?

Little oven. Fours is French for oven.

Ah.

Er, Yolanda...did...

Have we met before?

- Yes, we have. - Oh, OK.

It was five years ago, erm, it was for a photoshoot for Time Out.

Right, and, er...did we do something afterwards?

- Yes, we did. - OK.

You don't remember?

No, I do remember.

How are you?

I'm OK, I'm fine, yeah.

Right, good.

Listen, I think I'm going to have a line. Erm, do you want one?

- Er, coke? - Yeah.

- No, no, no. - Do you mind if I do?

- Oh, no, oh, no, please. - OK.

There's a bathroom there with lots of marble.

OK, all right. Thank you.

So, they're picking clothes.

He's probably wearing the crampons now, halfway up the...

He's up the side of the wardrobe.

"What do you think? What do you think?

"Does this look good? Urrr..." Like Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible II.

- Yolanda? - Mm-hm?

I mean, this is kind of outdoorsy...

- Bit of the Shackleton...going on there. - Erm, it's a bit too bright.

Well, this is what I would wear if I was, you know, genuinely out walking...

- OK. - I wouldn't normally...

The red's just for safety reasons, you know?

Mm.

But, erm...I've got darker stuff, that's fine.

OK. You're sure you don't want one?

No-o-o.

Erm...no?

No.

It reminds me of the kind of place where, like, Wuthering Heights...

- Oh, Wuthering Heights? - Heathcliff.

Yeah, no, no, that's not far from here. That's...

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

It's, er, the Yorkshire Moors.

That's, erm, yeah, at a place called Haworth, that's...

Oh, OK.

Wuthering Heights. So do you think I could be...I could play Heathcliff?

Definitely.

Yeah. Have to be... I'd have to be more like...

I'd like to play... I think he's, you know...he's interesting.

Very interesting.

- Kind of cruel... - Mm-hm.

Cruel but...I don't know, compelling, I guess is...

There is something very attractive about him.

Yeah. I think I'm a little old to play him but...I'd like to.

Well...

Are you sad not to be in the picture?

Tiny bit hurt that he didn't want me to,

but I'm only saying that because it's you.

Yeah.

I'm not... I'm not at a level that any human could notice.

Only dogs could detect my hurt.

- Dogs and me. - I'm slightly...

Yes, and you're not, erm...

(AS HUGH GRANT) If you... If you were a dog, then I-I-I should be very happy

for you to...gosh, to curl up in my basket and...chew my bone.

That sounds... Yeah, sorry.

It's all right.

- (MOBILE RINGS) - What's that?

That's... Sorry, can I take this?

- It's from my American agent. - Sure.

- Hello? - Ste-eve Coogan!

- Hey, man. - Matt, how are you doing?

I'm doing good. What's the weather like in Ste-eve Coogan land?

It's...frigging cold.

Well, it's hot in Hollywoodland. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, I know, I wish I was. I know the weather is.

Listen, listen, cut to the chase.

- You have got co-lead... - OK...

...in a drama series.

It's called... Let me give you the info here, it's called, er...

Yeah, it's called Pathological, OK?

You play a pathologist.

If it goes, it's seven years. If it goes, you're a household name.

I think the pork belly made me a little, um...

- (SHE LAUGHS) - ...amorous.

- Did it? - Yes.

- Pork belly will do that. - Pork will do that to you.

- Was that good news? - Yeah, kind of.

I'm... They've offered me a lead in a...in a drama.

- Oh, wow! - I mean, it's nice to, you know,

get an offer like that.

Absolutely. I mean, that's just fantastic.

Yeah, so, erm... I'm just worried, my chin's OK, right?

- It's not too fat? - Your chin is absolutely fine.

It's beautiful. You know, if you ever want to see

the Brontë sisters' house...

- Uh-huh. - ...it's not, er...

it's not too far.

If you want to go visit, I'll take you there.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Have you noticed, as you get older,

- older women... - Yeah.

- ...seem more attractive to you? - And younger women.

- And younger women, you know. - Women in general.

Well, yeah, but younger women cos of their life-giving qualities

and older women just cos, you know... cos you appreciate personality more.

STEVE: I thought we'd try and avoid the A roads, right, and go up the B62 5 5

to Hawes, right? Then cut down through Ottershaw, Yockenthwaite,

Buckden, down the B6 1 60 through Kettlewell,

then the B6265 through Grassington to Pateley Bridge,

then up to Ramsgill from there, right?

Yes, Captain. Use the sat nav tomorrow?

The thing about sat nav is, you don't know where you're going,

you've no sense of geography.

ROB: But it gets you there... the quickest way.

STEVE: It's not about the destination, it's about the journey.

Ohhh!

Well?

Did you?

I meet women, I charm them, I seduce them, it's the...it's the aristocratic way.

Women are my windmills, I tilt at them.

I'm like a...a knight, a knight of old, wandering the land.

Don Quixote, yeah?

Er, in a manner of speaking.

A British Don Quixote.

Don Coogan, the Don.

(AS PACINO) Oh! Don Coogan...

Just going to demist the windows, Rob, if it's all right with you.

See that there? That's a brook.

- Yeah. - You know what's it's doing?

- Babbling. - Yeah.

The only thing that babbles is a brook.

And what else? What else babbles?

- You. - No, no, I... No, I ramble. I ramble.

I ramble through the hills and occasionally at dinner parties.

They used to think this was a collapsed cave but this was actually

formed by...about 1 0,000 years ago, by just traditional glaciation.

Well, a big block of ice, say a kilometre thick, er,

would start to melt and normally the water would find tributaries and...

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! Look at that!

The limestone...was too frozen for the tributary...

All right, don't talk.

...for the rivers to find a way through.

- Stop talking. - Yeah, but I'm actually

saying some information. If you're talking...

I don't want to listen to you all the time.

I don't want to listen to you all the time

but you're giving it all that, and I'm actually telling you something useful.

I've been absolutely silent all the way up here!

I'm telling you something useful about what's made this!

Yeah, and I'd rather you didn't explain. I'd rather look at it and appreciate it.

You're just annoyed because you don't know about... It's annoying you that I know...

I'm not annoyed, I just want to look at it! Just be shush.

OK, all right. Yeah, I never thought you'd tell me to shush, honest.

Wow.

"Five years have passed...

"Five summers with the length of five long winters

"And again I hear these waters rolling from their mountain springs

"With soft inland murmur

"Oft, in lonely rooms, mid the din of towns and cities

"I have owed to them, in times of weariness, sensations sweet."

You know where that was written?

Tintern Abbey, Wales.

I know, that's why I asked you.

(FRUITILY) "Oft, in lonely rooms, mid the din of towns and cities

"I have owed to them, in hours of weariness..."

- Spoiling it, you're spoiling it. - "...sensations sweet..."

Why do you... You don't have to do it in that voice.

- Come on, let's...head on up. - Where?

Up there.

- Serious? - Yeah.

- No. - Why?

It's too dangerous.

You've just got to...make sure you've got secure footing.

They've got hats and backpacks.

The backpack makes it harder.

I sometimes get, like, a fluttery heart,

like an arrhythmic heartbeat, and I've got it now.

- I get it when I'm stressed. - All right. Well, I'm going that way.

I'll be about a couple of hours, all right?

How long?

- Two hours. - Two hours?

Yeah. If it gets to three, then, er...Mountain Rescue.

If you break your leg, don't come running to me.

Ha, ha, very good (!)

Steve?

Steve!

Be careful!

(BIRDS CALL)

(SHEEP BLEAT)

(HE SIGHS)

- Afternoon. - Good afternoon.

- Lovely day. - Beautiful, yeah.

- Absolutely superb. - No, it's magical.

Yeah, we're very fortunate today.

Have you been here, around this area for a while or...?

Yeah, I'm aware of...

Are you? Oh, that's excellent, you know about the limestone

a wee bit, without being clever.

So you'll know that it started off life in the Bahamas,

or somewhere along that sort of latitude,

- south of the equator. - When the landmass was part of Avalonia.

That's right, yeah, yeah. Which had joined onto Laurasia, of course.

Erm, and...world-famous Malham limestone pavement,

- I suppose you would describe it. - Yeah.

And Malham Cove, it's in many, many textbooks.

- Yeah, well aware of it. - And photographs, tremendous.

The only disadvantage with limestone, although very hard rock,

road wearing and all the rest of it, coarse based stuff...

Yes.

...it dissolves in weak acid, and the acid derives from the water,

rainwater, which combines with

- carbon dioxide in the atmosphere... - Mm.

...and then the rain falls onto the limestone,

which is calcium carbonate...

- Yeah. - ...and the features we're looking at,

these linear features, began as basically cracks in the rock as it lithified.

That's right, yeah. Just...

- And, of course... - ...carved away.

...they've dissolved into the width that we see today, as have the...

not only the longitudinal ones, the east-west ones.

- Yeah. - Same thing.

But the features on the surface are indeed very famous indeed.

You'll see a number of these little potholes...

- Oh, yeah. - ...these round potholes.

They are water solution holes.

- Brilliant, yeah. - Known as, er, rundkarren.

Yeah.

And the long features on the surface are the rillenkarren. Now just...

Fantastic. It's fascinating stuff.

- Yeah. - OK. I'll be on my way. Thanks.

Righto.

- Cheerio. - Bye.

STEVE: There we are. The York Arms.

- Wonderful. - Wow.

This is your room, sir.

Oh, beautiful, yeah. That's lovely.

- The bathroom's just over there. - Yeah.

Oak, nice oak.

If you need anything, we'll be in reception.

OK. Can you get phone reception round here?

No, I'm sorry. But if you go round the lake you can...have some reception there.

- Great, lovely, OK. - OK.

(DIALLING TON E)

- MISCHA: Hello? - Hey, hey.

Where have you been?

I called you four times last night, you didn't call me back.

I know, honey. Listen, I'm... Look...we're...

I'm... These restaurants that you picked are...

great places, but the phone reception sucks, it's really bad.

Have you been doing drugs?

No!

No, of course not. Look... If you couldn't get me...

You know where I am right now? I'm in a field.

I mean, it's a very beautiful field, it's really...gorgeous,

but, it's...you know, I can't really enjoy it. I'm with a short, Welsh...

man who does impressions, it's not fun.

So are there lots of pretty Northern waitresses up there?

No, there's no beautiful Northern waitresses.

They're... They're all Spanish or Polish or...from somewhere.

Great, so they're beautiful Eastern European waitresses up there. Perfect.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Listen, you're the one who said we were taking a break,

so, you know, what do you expect?

Does that mean you've been with other girls, because we're on a break?

I wish you were here. I'd rather... You could have been here with me.

- Yeah, I know. - You chose not to be.

Well, you know where I am. You can come see me any time.

Oh, Christ.

(TARTLY) Look at the time! Got to go, Steve.

Hope you get reception again sometime soon.

OK. All right, yes, thanks. Bye, baby. Bye-bye.

(WEARILY) OK, bye, bye, bye.

Coh...

What is that, a sonar?

- Coh... - Coh...

Coh...

- Coh! - Coh!

- Coh! Coh! - Cch!

It's got to be, "Coh!"

- Coh! - Cchh!

- Coh! Coh! Coh! - Ccchhh!

- Coh! - Cch!

- Coh! - Haaa!

No, that's sonar. You sound like a submarine clearing its throat.

Sound like a Scouse submarine.

- Coh! - Haaa!

Gentlemen, have you...

- Hello. - ...decided what you'd like?

Could I have the...er...

soufflé to start and then the lamb, please?

Of course. And the lamb to follow. Thank you.

The tuna followed by the cod, please.

- And then the cod. - Yes.

Lovely, thank you very much. I'll take those for you.

- Thank you very much. - I'll take that for you.

- OK, thank you. - Thank you.

Erm... Yeah, do you know that ABBA song, that Winner Takes It All?

Oh, yeah.

What's painful... The reason that song has so much pain is because he wrote

the words for her to sing

about their break-up, but he wrote the lyrics from her point of view.

# I apologise

# If it makes you feel sad

# Seeing me so tense

BOTH: # No self-confidence

# But you see

BOTH: # The winner takes it all. #

It's a bit presumptuous, that he's

saying that she has no self-confidence.

She might say,

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) "But wait, I have plenty of self-confidence,

"I'm just sad about the breakdown."

WOMAN: One tuna away, please.

# I don't want to talk

BOTH: # About things we've gone through

- # Though it's hurting... # - All the Ss are high, like,

# Though it's hurting me

# "Hurding"

- # Now it's history... # - Hurding.

Don't make it like the Chef from the Muppets.

# Though it's hurding me... Herde, gerde, gerde... #

He was Swedish.

He wasn't in ABBA.

# Now it's history

# I played all my cards. #

Now you sound like the Nazi from Inglourious Basterds.

Who I look like?

Yes.

# Now it's hurting I played all my cards. #

(GERMAN ACCENT) Now it's hurting me

and now I'm going to kill some Jews under the floor.

(MAKES MACHIN E GUN NOISES)

- That's what you've done, too. - That's what you've done, too.

- Erm... - Ze vinner takes it all, Mr Bond.

Come, come, Mr Bond, ze vinner takes it all. (EVIL LAUGH)

Come, come, Mr Bond, you enjoy playing all your cards just as much as I do.

(AS ROGER MOORE) When I play my cards, I play for Benny and Björn.

(HE LAUGHS)

I find the song quite moving.

That's your roast cod with truffle ravioli and spiced cauliflower.

The saddle of Nidderdale lamb

- with mutton pudding. - Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Yeah.

Hopkins, Sheen, Brydon, Burton.

The Port Talbot four. That's what we're known as.

- Yeah. Really? - Yeah. Michael Sheen.

(AS DAVID FROST) Hello, good evening and welcome.

We couldn't have done that the way that Michael does it, let's face it.

- We could not have played... - We? We?

Yeah, we couldn't. We're not the same, we're...different animals.

- No. - We couldn't play those parts.

You're not the same as him, I'm more similar to him.

Well, why don't you do the sort of roles that he does?

Because no-one will give those roles to me.

I've got an albatross round my neck and it's got the face of Michael Sheen.

Do you try for those roles?

Yeah. And Michael Sheen gets them all.

Michael Sheen's very good. But Michael Sheen's always...

- Brilliant. - He's not brilliant,

- he's good, he's solid. - Oh, no, he is brilliant.

I'm fucking brilliant!

Yes, but not in the same way...as...

Michael Sheen couldn't do what you do.

Michael Sheen couldn't play Alan Partridge,

Michael Sheen couldn't play Pauline Calf. All right?

But, equally, you couldn't play David Frost. Ah?

I don't believe that you really believe that I couldn't play David Frost.

I think you could play it...

Of course you could play it. I mean, bloody hell, the waiter could play it.

- That's the point. - But how well are you going to play it?

Very well.

(AS DAVID FROST) Hello, good evening and welcome.

I mean, Michael almost doesn't have to say the words, he can just go...

...and you know what he's doing.

But you're... I don't know... You were just jutting your chin out,

I don't know what you were doing.

Mm, that's me.

If Michael did it, people would go, "Fucking hell, it's David Frost."

Well...you know, I got down to the last two for Peter Sellers.

Yes, you did. And on that count, as I've told you many times before,

you would have been better than Geoffrey Rush.

You know I was actually in that film, have I told you this?

- No. - I played Dustin Hoffman, seriously.

Oh, yes, when he got his Oscar.

Yeah. (AS HOFFMAN) I had to do a speech as Dustin Hoffman.

- Really? - Yeah.

He says... (NORMAL VOICE) And I learnt this, right?

(AS HOFFMAN) "I refuse to accept that I'm better than Jack Lemmon,

"than Peter Sellers, than..."

- whoever else the other one was. - He could have turned down the award.

He could have turned down the Oscar if he refused to accept.

Yeah, all right, that's not the point.

I'm just saying that I was in it and I got cut out.

WOMAN: Can you just wipe...?

Oh, wow, thank you very much. Look at that.

It's a chocolate inverted comma.

You've got an ironic dessert.

Thank you. You've got your apple Breton with lemon sorbet

and croque monsieur, and your chocolate dessert,

it's a warm chocolate fondant, chocolate tier, chocolate Neapolitan

and a chocolate and caramel tart.

- Thank you very much indeed. - Could you have any more chocolate?!

- Do you want some of that? - Yeah, OK, yeah.

- Good, isn't it? - I'm sure people think we're gay.

- Well, I don't care. - No, I don't either, I don't care.

(AS SMALL MAN IN A BOX) I don't know where you are, somebody get me out of here.

Who'd have thought that would catch on, eh?

Got an iPhone app with that on it now.

Really?

Mm, haven't launched it, I'm about to launch it.

About to launch an iPhone app with your Small Man In A Box?

Yeah, Rob Brydon's Small Man In A Box.

(SIGHS) I don't... I'm not a good businessman.

I'm an artist, I'm cursed to be... flawed in my business ventures, but...

(AS WOODY ALLEN) Gotta tell you that the food here is terrible

and...and such small portions.

(AS ALLEN) It's...

Sex without love is an empty experience,

but...as empty experiences go it's... one of the best.

Yeah, sex between two people is a wonderful thing -

between three, it's terrific.

No, really, I...I enjoyed making love last night,

it was the most fun I've... I've had without laughing.

You know, they told me my...told me my ex-wife...was violated in the street,

I said, "Knowing my ex-wife, it was probably not a moving violation."

(RING TON E)

- Hello? - Hey, Joe, it's Dad.

Yeah, I know - your name comes up on the screen.

Oh, that's good.

Going to cut to the chase.

I spoke to your...mum, she told me what happened the other night.

I... I was just with some friends,

you know, it was only a drink, just...having a bit of fun.

Y-You can't... You can't do that.

If you work hard and, you know, you...

then you can always...

you can always, um, you know, enjoy yourself at the weekend.

But you've got to rein it in during the week. You have to, all right?

OK. How's the trip?

Er... It's, um... It's good,

you know, it's...it's...it's...

it's kind of enjoyable.

Rob's been, you know, a bit of a pain in the arse,

but, er...I tolerate him.

How long have you known him?

Rob? Er... 1 1 years, something like that.

It's amazing.

- Is it? - Yeah, such a long time.

Yes, er...

Yeah, yeah, I suppose it is. He's a...

Yeah, he's a...

Yeah, he's, um... Yeah, he's a good friend.

Yeah, I miss you.

Yeah, I miss you, too.

OK, listen, I'll...I'll be back soon

and we'll...we'll have some fun time together.

- Yeah. - Constructive fun time, all right?

- Yeah. - (CHUCKLES) All right, listen, erm...

love you, take care...

- Yeah. - ...and, er...behave.

- Yeah. Yeah. - All right, mate.

- See ya. - See ya.

ROB: I am once again...er...

bottomless.

SALLY: Don't you ever get cold, being bottomless?

No, no, I don't, I think of you and I...I just let him free.

I let...let him off the lead, as it were, let him run round the car park,

in the hope that he sniffs up something interesting.

He's under there now, there's only a kind of candlewick bedspread between...

Oh, candlewick bedspread, that's not very sexy!

Well, there's a phone resting on him as well, so if the phone begins

to move, I'll know that you're, er... weaving your magic, as it were.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, help me,

I'm a small man stuck in a box!

Come! Help!

I'm trapped in a box!

I'm trapped in my box.

I'm trapped in a box.

Oh, help me, I'm trapped in a box.

Help me, I'm a small man...

Help me, I'm a small man stuck in a box, stuck in a box.

I'm a small man stuck in a box. What you doing? What's... What's happening?

What's happening?

I'm a small man stuck in a box.

(IN CARTOON VOICE) I don't care about silly voices.

They're stupid.

ROB: Why are we going so early?

Erm, because I want to take in Bolton Abbey,

and then quickly say hi to my parents.

You don't mind...? Do you mind coming to say hi?

- Physically? - Yes.

Actually visit them?

- Well, I can't leave you in the car! - You could bring me

a lemonade and a packet of crisps.

Leave the window like that so I don't get too hot.

And we, and we can come... I'll bring my parents out to look at you

and your nose is through the gap like that!

You say, "I would bring him in, but he might make a mess."

"From Bolton's old monastic tower

"The bells ring loud with gladsome power

"The sun shines bright, the fields are gay

"With people in their best array

"Of stole and doublet, hood and scarf

"Along the banks of Crystal Wharf

"And thus in joyous mood they hie

"To Bolton's mouldering priory!"

Sir Ian McKellen... Come! We shall walk together.

Is that why you went to bed early last night,

- so you could learn that poem? - Yes!

Mission accomplished !

I don't know why you quote...

You weren't interested in Wordsworth before we went on this trip!

Or Bolton Abbey! Going on about Bolton Abbey.

- This is lovely. This is fantastic. - I know it is.

Why'd you have to do it in Ian McKellen's voice? It was a lovely poem -

what would have been really nice is if you'd got up this morning,

if you'd learnt that poem, which I appreciate,

even though it was meant to intimidate me,

if you'd got up this morning and said the poem in your own voice

and meant the words.

I chose a voice to suit the mood.

I felt Sir Ian, coming as he does from Bolton,

would be perfectly suited.

It's a different Bolton, Rob.

Yeah, all right. It's the same word !

I thought he'd be perfectly suited for here.

And it is incredible.

I mean, look - that is incredible.

(STEVE SIGHS)

- I'm standing on a grave. Sorry. - Yeah.

ROB: Will you be buried, or will you be cremated?

I think I would...

I would like to be buried so that I have a headstone like Elvis.

- Mm-hm. - But...

I think that when you have a headstone

and you're in a place, it puts great pressure on your family,

the surviving family, to visit you.

I'd be happy if you... If you...

You know, I'm happy with either.

If they buried you or cremated you,

they would both suit me fine.

Would you come to my funeral? Would you turn up, do you think?

Of course I would !

- Would you? - Yeah!

If only to pad out the numbers, you know!

You know when... You know when, um... when someone dies and they go to

the funeral and they say, you know,

"We should have done this when he was alive! He would have loved this!"?

- Mmm. What, cremated him?! - Hear what people say...

- No! You know, hearing...the eulogies. - That's what I'll say at your funeral.

"We should have done this when he was alive! Cremated him!

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

No riposte from you, cos you're dead.

(AS MAN IN A BOX) I don't think you should say that!

You really shouldn't have! In the box.

Thing is, you wouldn't be able to come back with your man in a box,

even though it would be fantastic if you had, cos you'd be in a coffin,

it would've been the perfect place to do it,

- but you wouldn't be able to do it... - I would literally be a man in a box.

I know, it would have been great.

But I'll be safe in the knowledge that I'll go,

"Great, I can do that and he won't come back with his man in a box,

"which would have been brilliant, but he can't, cos he's brown bread !"

I'd be there. I'd be there. I'd be at your funeral.

"And now, from one of Rob's very closest friends.

"You'll know him, of course, as TV's Alan Partridge.

"And he has asked specifically

"to come up and take 2 5, 30 minutes

"to talk about his friend Rob.

"Ladies and gentlemen..."

Shush!

"...Steve Coogan."

"Oh, you may also know Steve

"from some of his very good art-house films

"that have been very well reviewed by some of the broadsheet newspapers.

"Steve Coogan."

Thanks. Thank you.

"A-ha!" Somebody will shout that out,

one of my Welsh relatives.

"Yes, yes...

"Alan Partridge.

"Very much alive compared with,

"with our good departed friend Rob Brydon.

"Rob was an interesting guy.

"Very funny, very entertaining, and...

"and yet at the same time,

"there was something...

"that... Although he made me laugh - and made us all laugh, I think -

"there was something about him that was lost, something about him

"that seemed...

"unable to... to confront the reality of life.

"And so, when I think of Rob, I...I think of him with both

"a smile at some of the funny, pithy one-liners he would come out with

"on Radio 4 panel shows,

"but also for...

"the man inside,

"because behind every little pithy,

"vaguely amusing joke

"is a cry for help."

- "But let's not remember him..." - Not going to finish there, are you?

- Um... I won't finish there, no! - Jesus Christ!

"B-But, but...but, of course,

"let's not remember a man

"who was lost desperately trying to legitimise his life

"by doing silly voices constantly and not confronting the truth, let's remember

- "the other side of Rob." - The entertainer.

"The Rob Brydon, the entertainer."

- Yes. Yes. - "The Rob Brydon who gave some levity...

- Yes. - "...to our life and helped us avoid

"confronting the harsh realities,

"and helped us avoid looking at the brutal reality of what life is..."

All right, talk about some of the characters!

OK! Some of the characters...

"Who can forget his Tom Jones impression?"

- (CHUCKLES) - "Who can forget that?"

(AS JON ES) "Think I'd better die now."

You could say that!

Yes. # Huh, think I'd better die now! #

- That's good. - Yeah, I know.

I'll take over when you're dead. There'll be plenty of...

I'll do plenty of Tom Jones when you're dead ! Don't worry about that. Pfff!

- Ah, why, thank you ! - Ah, you're welcome.

- I'm, er... - But there'll be affection there.

I'd... I wouldn't... I would never stick the knife in.

I might just, like, tickle you with a knife.

That's all good sport!

- Exactly! - Good sport.

Should it go the other way...

It's OK. I'm not asking you to do that.

Let's... Let's... Let's move on. Come on. What's over here...?

- No, I'm just saying if it did... - Yeah, that's all right.

- I would be... - It's OK, I don't need to know.

I'd rather that it be a mystery.

ROB: Whoa, don't run it!

- What?! - Don't run!

- Why? - There'll be moss!

Fucking hell!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You've got stuck halfway

towards your destination!

- You're stuck in a metaphor! - I'm not!

You'll ne... Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Ah!

Ah...

- Fuck! - It's a metaphor!

It's not a metaphor!

Fuck!

ROB: You looked at home in the water.

I could see you perhaps branching out into more action roles.

(KITCHEN CLATTER)

How come you've left your black pudding?

I don't dislike it, but I'm never... I'm never sure about it.

I... I just naturally don't go to it.

It's cos there's a risk involved. It's a taboo.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mwah-ha-ha!

This is just... Mm!

Really...

glorious!

A sunny day in England with a fried breakfast.

It doesn't get much better.

This is nice. But if I'm being very honest with you,

I'm looking forward to being home now.

Mate, you and me both!

I just... The most important thing to me is that I have...

- that my children are healthy... - Oh, yeah, I mean...

...that I'm healthy, so I can be there for them.

That's more important than any work, any award...

And puts everything in perspective.

I dare say you'd throw away all your awards if...

I'd throw them in a river!

...if you could exchange them for knowing your children will live a happy long life.

I would happily throw all my awards in a river.

Not the sea.

Corrosion.

No, they're going to corrode, but if I threw them in a river,

if push came to shove,

I could hire a team of scuba divers to retrieve them.

But, you know, the gesture's the important thing.

Family's more important.

No, family's more important. Of course it is.

If it was a choice between winning an award and my child

being healthy...

- Yeah. - I would absolutely, you know,

- throw them all. - Yeah. Other way around. What if...

If you were to allow your child to have an illness, right,

you could win...

say, a BAFTA, you could have a film BAFTA if...

No, of course not!

An illness the child would recover from but would have some discomfort.

- No! - No?

That's a disgusting idea!

Let me up the stakes. Oscar, Best Actor.

- Eh? Best Actor, Steve Coogan? - What, to have an ill child?

Of course not! Well, well, hang on, well...

- Not a... Not... - What kind of illness?

Appendicitis.

What, you mean...

So they get, "Oh, my stomach! Oh, my stomach's really hurting !

"Where's Dad?" "Oh, he's on location."

"It's really hurting. Really hurting. Argh!"

Doctor comes in, off to hospital, bang, bang, "Oh, I'm weak,"

then they're better. Meanwhile,

"Academy Award Winner, Steve Coogan..."

Mm?

Ahh, now we...now we glimpse the real man.

What do you mean? I'm just thinking it through!

I think the answer's probably I still wouldn't, probably.

(THEY HUM MUSIC FROM HOVIS ADVERT)

(# DVORAK: Symphony No. 9 "From The New World")

Very nice.

Yeah, it's a lovely...a lovely place to grow up, you know.

- Hello, hello! - Hiya.

- Hello! Nice to see you ! - Yeah, nice to see you. Hello!

- This is Rob. This is me mum. - Hello.

- Hello, Rob! - Lovely to meet you. Thank you very much.

Molly.

Nice to see you.

Oh, what a lovely house! Hello!

- This is Bernard, me dad. - Nice to meet you.

- This is Rob, Rob Brydon. - Hello, Bernard.

I was just saying what a lovely house it is.

Rob Brydon off the telly.

There he is, straightaway, look. Hall of fame.

- Yeah. - Oh, and a daughter!

- She's a bonny lass! - That's not a daughter,

that's our Steven!

He's just trying to be funny, Dad.

Making a joke, yeah.

- Well, he is funny, isn't he? - Well, on occasions!

- I'll go and make the tea. - Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you. Ah, this is great.

- Come on, come on through into... - Oh, conservatory!

Into the garden. No, not the conservatory.

- Oh, lovely. - Oh, no politics, thank you !

Right, here we are,

- tea for the troops! - Lovely.

- OK! - Thank you.

(AS HUGH GRANT) This really is excellent.

Crikey, crikey, gosh, this is... I-I mean, I...

I've been to four weddings and a funeral recently

and not had, gosh, quite... quite such a substantial brew.

STEVE: Oh, dear...

That's how you started, didn't you, Steve, with impressions?

It is, yeah, yeah.

- Moved on now? - Mm!

Well, you know, quit while you're ahead. You know.

It was a shock to all of us when he started performing.

We thought it would be Deborah or Martin, you know.

- Really? - They were always the funny ones.

You were always the quiet one, weren't you?

Well, I was in my own little world, you know, sort of...

Escape... I was a daydreamer.

(AS WOODY ALLEN) I used to daydream constantly as a kid growing up in New York

and I...I never thought, you know, I'd ever become a great comedian.

You know, I just never figured I would, you know, and...

(AS SEAN CON N ERY) Whereas I, when I was growing up in Edinburgh,

before I became Commander James Bond, for me, I was quite withdrawn also.

(AS MICHAEL CAIN E) I, on the other hand, grew up in the East End of London,

and all I ever wanted to do was blow the bloody doors off!

I've had to put up with this all week.

Must be exhausting, keeping all this going all the time.

- Ah, not really. - Exhausting for everyone.

Listen, why don't you stop for lunch?

MOLLY: Yes, that would be lovely.

Well, no, we should...we should push on, really. Yeah.

BERNARD: What route are you taking?

Um, the... Well, I'm getting on the ring...

The M60, er, clockwise and then on the M56, M6.

- You want to watch that. - Why?

There's roadworks all the way from Junction 24 to 27. It's terrible.

- Really? - You'd be better off

going anti-clockwise.

Right. OK. Yeah.

Yes, well, it's as broad as it's long, isn't it, so, yeah, I'll do that.

Good. Good.

- Yeah. - Really nice to meet you.

- God bless. - And you. Bye-bye.

All right, see you, Mum.

Lovely to see you.

- How's Mischa? - Erm, she's...she's in America.

She is at the moment, yeah.

Oh! We... We'd thought she'd be coming with you.

- We're going through a bit of a hiatus. - Oh, dear!

Rob's the substitute girlfriend.

- Oh. Oh! - Oh, I hope not!

No, nothing like that, yeah.

How is work? Anything coming up?

Er, yeah, I've got a TV series in... in America possibly, so...

- Really? - Great!

But it would mean spending a lot of time over there, though,

that's the problem.

If you need anybody to carry your bags, then...

All right, OK.

- See you, Dad. Ta-ra. - Right, yeah.

Ahh. Bye. Now, listen, you take care of yourself, OK?

Nothing to worry about.

- Everything's fine. - Bye, love. Bye.

- See you. - The car's locked.

- What? - Locked.

Oh, sorry, I thought I'd pressed it.

See you.

- (BEEPS HORN) - Bye!

Come on, let's get in.

ROB: So, have you made a decision about America?

Will you stay or will you go?

I'm not going to, er... I don't... I don't know.

I love Mischa and I want to be with her, but...

I don't really want to talk about it, to be honest.

You don't want to talk about it?

You don't want to talk about the things you've gone through?

No.

Though it's hurting me,

now it's history.

# Now it's history

BOTH SING: # I've played all my cards

# And that's what you've done too

# Nothing more to say

# No more ace to play

# Tell me, does she kiss

# Like I used to kiss you... #

There's a shiver down my arms whenever I hear that.

- Thank you. - # Does it feel the same?

# When she calls your name?

# I was in your arms... #

(IMITATES PERCUSSION)

- # Thinking I belonged there... - # Thinking I'd be stronger...

Belonged there.

# Building me a fence

- # I figured it made sense... # - Figured it made sense.

# Building me a fence

# Da ah ah ah

# Building me a home

- # Thinking I'd belong there - # Be strong there...

# Ah ah ah-ah

- # But I was a fool... # - Fool!

# Playing by the rules

# The winner takes it all!

# The winner...

(OPERATICALLY) # Takes it

# All-l-l-l-l! #

- Uh! - Wow. Well, I was up there.

I was up there. I think you strained a little.

I did strain, I did strain.

But I have a wonderful range. People... I could have done opera.

- How many octaves? - I don't know!

Five. Five.

How much is an octave?

- Five?! Five?! - All right, two.

For two... Pavarotti struggles to do five!

One. One. I do one. Three. I do...

I don't know how much an octave is!

Well, just do an octave... Just... Get your lowest note.

La. La. Hang on, wait, wait, that's not it.

- Get your lowest, get your... - Well, yes!

Lowwww...

OK, do an octave up.

(RAISES PITCH) Owww...

No, do an octave up.

Well, how much is an octave?

What do you mean? It's just the same note, but an octave higher.

- I don't know how to... - Listen!

Bah! Bah! That's an octave up!

All right, but don't do it as Roger Moore.

- (SIGHS) - (AS MOORE) A-h-h-h-h!

Come, come, Mr Bond,

you enjoy singing an octave just as much as I do!

When I sing an octave up,

I sing it for Queen and country.

Although I admit singing an octave up...

I admit singing an octave up with you would be a pleasure.

Listen, it's doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh

and the next "doh" is an octave up!

# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

That's an octave up from the first doh!

Shh-shh-shh.

# Doh, ray, me, fah

# Soh, la, ti, doh! #

No! What?!

# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

# Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la

# Ti, dohhhhhhhhh! #

Three!

Three.

Three!

Doh, doh.

Doh.

# Doh, ray... #

(ROB, AS WOGAN) Terry Wogan is doing it now!

Doh, doh, doh.

Next you'll be doing the Floral Dance!

# Doh... Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

# Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!

# Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti... #

ROB: That's not...

# Ti! # Oh, fuck!

You're terrible! Terrible!

- I beat you. I beat you, I beat you. - I...

Yeah.

You all right with your bags?

- Right! - Well,

thank you very much.

- Thank you very much! - I really appreciate you doing this.

Cheers.

- Let's have a hug. - OK. Right.

- Rrrhhh! - That's really good.

- No, I enjoyed it a lot and... and, yeah. - Right, well...

You're a good... You're a good bloke, I don't care what they say about you.

- I'll see you. - Okey-doke.

Give me a ring and we'll, um...you know,

we'll get together.

- All right, mate. - We could...

All right, bye-bye!

Bye-bye! (TOOTS HORN)

- Ah! - Hello!

The traveller returns!

- Aah! - Hello.

- Mmm! Sorry. Hello! - I've missed you !

Yeah!

We've both missed you.

(HORNS HON K)

(HE SIGHS)

And zoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo!

- So how was he? - Zoo-be... He was his usual...

Zoo-be-doo-be-doo-be-doo! His usual self.

- This is Mischa. - Shut up!

Mmm, this is delightful.

(AS RON NIE CORBETT) One of the most delightful meals...

One of the most... One of the most delightful homecomings,

ha ha ha, I've ever enjoyed, ha ha ha.

Mmm. Well, it did stick to the bottom of the pan a bit, but...

- Did it? - Yeah.

(AS HUGH GRANT) Yes, I might have to give you a...bloody good spanking.

In fact, I was rather hoping I might... stick to the bottom of your pan later!

(DIALLING TON E)

(ANSWERPHON E PICKS UP)

(SIGHS)

...please leave Matt a message

and he will get back to you as soon as he can. Thank you.

Hi, Matt. This is Steve calling.

Er...just to say I've thought it over and I...I, um...

...I'm not going to do the HBO pilot.

I'm not going to spend seven years in the US.

I've got kids. Er...

Yeah, that's it. Bye.

- Mmm! - Mmm!

I don't like... I don't like being away from you.

No. I don't like you being away from me.

(SIGHS) Oh, hello! There we are.

- There we go. - All present and correct.

Mmm.

I think three days...should be the maximum that I stay away for.

- Mmm. Not this long. - Mmm.