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1
00:00:25,488 --> 00:00:26,703
We are fucked.
2
00:00:26,728 --> 00:00:30,116
- Very, very fucked.
- Mmm. We'll be walking like cowboys
3
00:00:30,141 --> 00:00:32,214
for a week. That's how fucked we are.
4
00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:34,575
We're so fucked, fucked people
will point at us and say,
5
00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:37,378
"At least we're not as fucked
as those fucking fucks."
6
00:00:39,843 --> 00:00:41,694
- What the hell happened?
- I don't know.
7
00:00:41,719 --> 00:00:43,387
- We had a plan.
- A good plan.
8
00:00:43,412 --> 00:00:45,126
- You had a tight ten.
- Yes, I know.
9
00:00:45,151 --> 00:00:46,698
- You were gonna start with the...
- And then I'd,
10
00:00:46,723 --> 00:00:48,746
- with the kid thing...
- And then your...
11
00:00:48,919 --> 00:00:51,069
- those people that had you...
- My parents.
12
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,388
- Yeah, the thing with their...
- That was so funny.
13
00:00:53,413 --> 00:00:55,498
Ugh. Nice, tight ten.
14
00:00:56,130 --> 00:00:57,383
An airtight ten.
15
00:00:59,001 --> 00:01:00,756
Hey, the glass is empty.
16
00:01:00,843 --> 00:01:02,255
Just depends on how you look at it.
17
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:04,614
I'm looking at it with my eyes.
It's fucking empty.
18
00:01:04,688 --> 00:01:07,566
Hey! My friend's glass is empty.
19
00:01:07,591 --> 00:01:08,789
Fuckin' empty.
20
00:01:08,814 --> 00:01:10,524
Make it full. We had a hard night.
21
00:01:10,549 --> 00:01:12,801
- Hey, we're fucked.
- Eh, keep your shirt on.
22
00:01:12,850 --> 00:01:14,725
Hi, Susie. New hat?
23
00:01:14,812 --> 00:01:16,962
I don't have any money, Tracy.
24
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:19,041
Rats. Hey, I saw you.
25
00:01:19,066 --> 00:01:21,277
- Saw me what?
- I saw you tonight. Wow, wild.
26
00:01:21,302 --> 00:01:23,287
Do you mind, Tracy?
We're having a funeral here.
27
00:01:23,312 --> 00:01:25,599
Relax, Susie.
I just wanted to say I dug you.
28
00:01:25,732 --> 00:01:27,892
- Truly.
- Thank you.
29
00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:29,171
Susie, you got five bucks?
30
00:01:29,196 --> 00:01:31,157
No. What did I tell you? I got nothing.
31
00:01:31,182 --> 00:01:32,826
As of tonight, I got nothing,
32
00:01:32,851 --> 00:01:34,853
I have nowhere to go, and no one to be.
33
00:01:34,878 --> 00:01:36,213
Okay. What about you?
34
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,613
She's a loser, too. Beat it.
35
00:01:39,490 --> 00:01:41,448
Glad you enjoyed the show.
36
00:01:41,473 --> 00:01:42,598
Last one.
37
00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:44,342
Yeah, just try it.
38
00:01:47,547 --> 00:01:49,257
"You're dead in this business."
39
00:01:49,457 --> 00:01:52,127
It plays over and over in my head.
40
00:01:52,181 --> 00:01:55,139
- Maybe he didn't mean it.
- Mmm. He meant it.
41
00:01:55,197 --> 00:01:57,286
He bared his teeth. I didn't
even know he still had teeth.
42
00:01:57,313 --> 00:01:59,797
- Could've been false teeth.
- They looked real.
43
00:01:59,822 --> 00:02:01,740
Aw, shit, we were so close.
44
00:02:01,765 --> 00:02:03,100
I'm sorry.
45
00:02:03,125 --> 00:02:05,934
"Fuck you, Sophie,
put that on your plate."
46
00:02:06,188 --> 00:02:07,565
It's brilliant.
47
00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:12,284
It was funny, right?
48
00:02:12,309 --> 00:02:14,523
Yeah. It was really funny.
49
00:02:16,659 --> 00:02:18,911
And no one needs a good laugh
50
00:02:19,085 --> 00:02:21,916
like the truly, deeply fucked.
51
00:02:31,398 --> 00:02:32,895
Get up.
52
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,322
- Oh, boy.
- I just had a thrilling conversation
53
00:02:35,347 --> 00:02:36,741
with that strange person
54
00:02:36,766 --> 00:02:39,394
who can't figure out what her name is.
55
00:02:39,866 --> 00:02:42,618
Make a new friend.
I'm tired of this one.
56
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,336
Miriam!
57
00:02:45,390 --> 00:02:47,392
Coming.
58
00:02:50,342 --> 00:02:52,177
Breakfast is being served
in the dining room
59
00:02:52,202 --> 00:02:54,675
- when you're done with your call.
- Okay.
60
00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:00,005
Hold on.
61
00:03:12,644 --> 00:03:13,744
Your fault.
62
00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:15,771
- What's my fault?
- Too much drinking.
63
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,615
Too much drinking
was because of you, missy.
64
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:21,216
- I don't feel good.
- Ugh. I had to sleep on a diagonal,
65
00:03:21,241 --> 00:03:22,894
'cause the vertical
made me want to throw up.
66
00:03:22,919 --> 00:03:24,671
- Don't throw up.
- I might throw up.
67
00:03:24,696 --> 00:03:26,536
- You can't throw up.
- I'll probably throw up.
68
00:03:26,561 --> 00:03:28,241
If I hear you throw up,
I'm gonna throw up,
69
00:03:28,266 --> 00:03:30,409
and I don't want to throw up,
so close the door.
70
00:03:30,434 --> 00:03:32,228
- Close what door?
- The bathroom door.
71
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:34,631
- I don't have a bathroom door.
- Then you can't throw up.
72
00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,115
- I'm not gonna throw up.
- Good.
73
00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:38,119
Although you might when you hear this.
74
00:03:38,521 --> 00:03:40,131
- Hear what?
- Well, apparently,
75
00:03:40,156 --> 00:03:42,241
there were some members
of the press there last night.
76
00:03:42,266 --> 00:03:44,059
- No...
- And a few of them caught your act
77
00:03:44,084 --> 00:03:45,160
and thought...
78
00:03:45,185 --> 00:03:47,271
- No...
- "A career suicide set
79
00:03:47,296 --> 00:03:48,854
takes down an icon."
80
00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:52,802
"Newcomer Amanda Gleason,
don't bother learning the name,"
81
00:03:52,827 --> 00:03:56,121
"mysteriously decides to skewer
an American treasure,"
82
00:03:56,146 --> 00:03:58,858
"Sophie Lennon, last night
at the Gaslight Cafe."
83
00:03:58,945 --> 00:04:00,219
Who invited them?
84
00:04:00,244 --> 00:04:01,750
- I did.
- Why?
85
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:04,403
'Cause I had no idea it was
seppuku night at the Gaslight.
86
00:04:04,428 --> 00:04:06,535
"In a vicious, often hilarious,
87
00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,636
"career-ending ten minutes, you wonder,
88
00:04:08,661 --> 00:04:12,206
"did Lennon steal Gleason's
boyfriend?" The Daily News.
89
00:04:12,231 --> 00:04:13,524
Well, he said "hilarious."
90
00:04:13,549 --> 00:04:15,589
Did you hear all the other words
around "hilarious"?
91
00:04:15,614 --> 00:04:16,928
- I did, but still...
- The Post.
92
00:04:17,351 --> 00:04:18,800
"Put that on your plate."
93
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:21,090
- So?
- So, underneath, there's a picture
94
00:04:21,115 --> 00:04:23,485
of your head on a plate
and there's a fork in your head.
95
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:24,946
- My picture?
- Well, it's fuzzy,
96
00:04:24,971 --> 00:04:27,031
but they put the words
"Amanda Gleason's head"
97
00:04:27,056 --> 00:04:28,970
underneath to help with any confusion.
98
00:04:28,995 --> 00:04:29,996
Did they say I was funny?
99
00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:31,455
Are you at all getting the theme here?
100
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,020
- Yes, but...
- The Mirror. "The tradition of honor"
101
00:04:34,045 --> 00:04:36,407
"amongst thieves was tossed
out the window last night
102
00:04:36,432 --> 00:04:39,727
"by Amanda Gleason,
whose ridiculously bland name
103
00:04:39,752 --> 00:04:42,588
"is in direct contrast
with the comedienne's crass,
104
00:04:42,613 --> 00:04:46,242
crude, sharp-witted attack of
homespun hero Sophie Lennon."
105
00:04:46,267 --> 00:04:47,599
Okay, but they did say I was...
106
00:04:47,624 --> 00:04:49,162
"It reminds you of the power
107
00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:51,819
of words to build up and destroy."
108
00:04:51,844 --> 00:04:53,190
"Hope she has a lawyer.
109
00:04:53,215 --> 00:04:56,093
I sense a slander charge
in her stocking for Christmas."
110
00:04:56,118 --> 00:04:57,604
I'm Jewish, shmuck.
111
00:04:57,629 --> 00:04:58,755
Yeah.
112
00:04:58,780 --> 00:05:00,158
There's a lot of Gleasons
in the ghetto.
113
00:05:00,183 --> 00:05:01,445
What do we do now?
114
00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:04,271
Well...
115
00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:06,896
we still have those two
shit gigs I got you
116
00:05:06,921 --> 00:05:08,423
before this mess happened.
117
00:05:08,448 --> 00:05:10,409
So, you do those gigs.
118
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:12,399
If you do well, you'll get
two more shit gigs.
119
00:05:12,424 --> 00:05:15,450
And then those two shit gigs
become four shit gigs.
120
00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:18,982
And then four shit gigs
become six shit gigs.
121
00:05:19,216 --> 00:05:21,892
And then...
122
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:23,958
Susie?
123
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,079
Susie? Are you there?
124
00:05:28,114 --> 00:05:29,596
Sorry. I had to throw up.
125
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:32,740
- Where was I?
- Four shit gigs became six shit gigs.
126
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,601
Yes. Eventually, people will
forget what happened,
127
00:05:35,626 --> 00:05:37,890
- and we'll rebuild.
- Okay, I have to go.
128
00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:40,000
I have my son's birthday party today.
129
00:05:40,025 --> 00:05:42,024
Ah, see, you already got
another shit gig.
130
00:05:42,049 --> 00:05:44,157
- Bye.
- Mm.
131
00:05:48,563 --> 00:05:50,107
There have been
major internal discussions
132
00:05:50,132 --> 00:05:53,291
in nine additional countries
outside the Iron Curtain.
133
00:05:53,316 --> 00:05:56,680
Now, how do they go about
applying this political message?
134
00:05:56,705 --> 00:05:58,707
That it embraces many different aspects
135
00:05:58,732 --> 00:06:00,150
of our day-to-day living.
136
00:06:10,689 --> 00:06:12,741
...I would like to say this:
Confidence, by itself...
137
00:06:12,766 --> 00:06:13,923
Morning, Papa.
138
00:06:13,948 --> 00:06:15,363
Mm-hmm.
139
00:06:16,328 --> 00:06:19,512
Victory in this conflict
depends on much, much more...
140
00:06:19,606 --> 00:06:20,657
Morning, Mama.
141
00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,780
There's eggs. We leave at noon.
142
00:06:27,237 --> 00:06:29,034
This was all different
yesterday, right?
143
00:06:29,059 --> 00:06:31,367
- Hmm?
- Never mind.
144
00:06:31,765 --> 00:06:34,643
And so's your mother.
145
00:06:35,298 --> 00:06:38,176
I'm sorry, I just,
I just don't find you funny.
146
00:06:38,451 --> 00:06:40,831
I did it just like you told me.
147
00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:43,069
It's not the same.
148
00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:45,023
Well, if you didn't have Randy
laying on your lap,
149
00:06:45,048 --> 00:06:46,291
you could stop comparing us
150
00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:48,485
and move on.
151
00:06:48,636 --> 00:06:50,638
So, I was thinking that
152
00:06:50,663 --> 00:06:52,703
Ethan and Estelle could
get married at the boathouse
153
00:06:52,728 --> 00:06:53,783
in Central Park.
154
00:06:53,808 --> 00:06:55,096
Oh, Imogene, we need to
155
00:06:55,121 --> 00:06:57,595
- get you in a bowling league.
- Hi, Joel.
156
00:06:57,620 --> 00:06:59,747
Are you psychologically
scarring our children?
157
00:06:59,772 --> 00:07:00,916
I am.
158
00:07:00,941 --> 00:07:02,273
But, since they're going
to get married,
159
00:07:02,298 --> 00:07:03,657
they will have suffered the same trauma
160
00:07:03,682 --> 00:07:05,648
and will understand each other's
nightmares completely.
161
00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:07,585
My God, this party is loud.
162
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,205
Thank you for talking Imogene
into having it here
163
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,231
instead of our house.
164
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:12,757
My pleasure, Archie.
165
00:07:12,782 --> 00:07:14,825
Oop, need a refill.
166
00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:21,697
So, I gather Ethan and Estelle
are still getting married.
167
00:07:21,722 --> 00:07:23,307
At the Central Park Boathouse.
168
00:07:23,332 --> 00:07:24,792
Geez.
169
00:07:24,817 --> 00:07:26,002
That was Estelle. She's not hurt.
170
00:07:26,027 --> 00:07:27,595
That's not the hurt scream.
She lost a doll.
171
00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:29,500
No. Someone took the doll.
172
00:07:29,525 --> 00:07:32,045
- Someone took the doll?
- Find the doll. Find the doll.
173
00:07:33,771 --> 00:07:35,215
Imogene is amazing.
174
00:07:35,242 --> 00:07:36,785
Esther screams while I'm holding her,
175
00:07:36,826 --> 00:07:38,828
I'm still wondering
where it's coming from.
176
00:07:39,082 --> 00:07:41,075
- So, what's going on here?
- Where?
177
00:07:41,135 --> 00:07:43,346
The great mac and cheese
massacre of 1958.
178
00:07:43,393 --> 00:07:45,145
- I'm hungry.
- That's for the kids.
179
00:07:45,335 --> 00:07:47,225
I made it in a rush.
This is quality control.
180
00:07:47,250 --> 00:07:48,334
This is hangover eating.
181
00:07:48,588 --> 00:07:50,257
Where'd you go last night?
182
00:07:50,421 --> 00:07:51,589
None of your business.
183
00:07:51,614 --> 00:07:53,254
I'll withdraw the question.
184
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,390
Hey, Joel, I'd like to talk
to you about something.
185
00:07:58,431 --> 00:07:59,808
Away from people.
186
00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:01,452
If you get a chance.
187
00:08:01,545 --> 00:08:03,687
Well, other than planning
my son's bachelor party,
188
00:08:03,728 --> 00:08:04,896
I'm pretty free.
189
00:08:04,938 --> 00:08:06,324
Good.
190
00:08:06,679 --> 00:08:09,849
Eat some of this so people
won't look at me weird.
191
00:08:22,076 --> 00:08:23,733
Hey.
192
00:08:24,318 --> 00:08:26,104
Hair of the dog?
193
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,105
Okay.
194
00:08:28,295 --> 00:08:30,005
I mean, I'm not hungover,
195
00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:31,172
but it is a party.
196
00:08:31,214 --> 00:08:32,865
Sure.
197
00:08:33,953 --> 00:08:35,788
One more.
198
00:08:35,844 --> 00:08:37,846
'Cause you're festive.
199
00:08:38,068 --> 00:08:39,347
Exactly.
200
00:08:40,724 --> 00:08:42,569
So, what did you want to talk about?
201
00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,888
I was wondering if...
202
00:08:47,955 --> 00:08:52,460
it might be time to start
talking about getting a divorce.
203
00:08:54,522 --> 00:08:55,690
Uh-huh.
204
00:08:56,498 --> 00:08:58,185
What do you think?
205
00:08:59,992 --> 00:09:02,411
Wow. Fast.
206
00:09:02,436 --> 00:09:04,480
I know. We can wait if you want.
207
00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:07,682
It just seems as if maybe it's time
208
00:09:07,707 --> 00:09:10,584
to start getting on with our lives.
209
00:09:11,085 --> 00:09:12,922
Plus, the kids need to
get used to a new arrangement.
210
00:09:12,964 --> 00:09:14,591
We need to make it normal for them.
211
00:09:14,632 --> 00:09:18,699
Well, I think I will do
whatever you think is right.
212
00:09:19,851 --> 00:09:21,773
Okay.
213
00:09:23,436 --> 00:09:26,981
Then I think it's time.
214
00:09:29,856 --> 00:09:31,858
Just so you know,
I'm doing really well at work.
215
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:33,651
- I know.
- I'm up for a big promotion.
216
00:09:33,693 --> 00:09:34,861
- I know.
- I'm gonna get it,
217
00:09:34,903 --> 00:09:36,760
- and it's gonna mean more money.
- Okay.
218
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,877
And my father had
nothing to do with it.
219
00:09:39,032 --> 00:09:40,492
He'd probably be against it
220
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:42,213
since it would mean
I'd be traveling a lot.
221
00:09:42,237 --> 00:09:44,055
- You would? How much?
- But it would also mean that
222
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,360
I could take care of everything.
223
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:46,810
How much would you be traveling, Joel?
224
00:09:46,835 --> 00:09:49,099
I could take care of you, of the kids.
225
00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:51,235
You won't have to worry.
226
00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:53,617
I promise, I got you covered.
227
00:10:06,768 --> 00:10:08,186
He still out?
228
00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:10,605
Are you kidding?
He's been out since cake.
229
00:10:10,647 --> 00:10:12,690
The Maisel men and their sleep.
230
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:15,151
Please. During the war,
231
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,320
my father fell asleep in a foxhole
232
00:10:17,362 --> 00:10:19,270
and when he woke up,
it was a beer garden.
233
00:10:19,295 --> 00:10:20,796
Sounds like Moishe.
234
00:10:20,935 --> 00:10:23,169
The oom-pah band is
what finally woke him up.
235
00:10:28,849 --> 00:10:30,767
Need some help?
236
00:10:30,792 --> 00:10:32,460
Nope. I got it.
237
00:10:38,591 --> 00:10:39,717
Thanks.
238
00:10:58,319 --> 00:11:00,697
So, Ollie the elephant is out, huh?
239
00:11:00,738 --> 00:11:02,940
Yep. It happened last week.
240
00:11:03,022 --> 00:11:05,232
Friday morning Ollie was in,
then by dinnertime,
241
00:11:05,257 --> 00:11:06,856
suddenly it was Louis the lion.
242
00:11:06,881 --> 00:11:08,346
Not sure what happened.
243
00:11:08,371 --> 00:11:09,769
Wow.
244
00:11:09,809 --> 00:11:12,937
Sorry, pal. Life is cold.
245
00:11:13,066 --> 00:11:14,901
Do you remember when we
bought that for him?
246
00:11:15,316 --> 00:11:17,714
I believe it was to
stop a whole lot of screaming.
247
00:11:17,755 --> 00:11:20,175
- Smallpox vaccination.
- Yeah.
248
00:11:20,364 --> 00:11:23,449
He was never gonna be bought off
by a lollipop alone.
249
00:11:24,263 --> 00:11:25,848
What are you doing?
250
00:11:25,873 --> 00:11:27,038
I'm eating.
251
00:11:27,063 --> 00:11:28,284
I can see.
252
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,693
Should I be timing you?
253
00:11:29,718 --> 00:11:31,181
There might be a prize in it
or something.
254
00:11:31,206 --> 00:11:32,671
I'm just so hungry.
255
00:11:32,696 --> 00:11:33,803
That from the party?
256
00:11:33,828 --> 00:11:35,271
I made an extra tray.
257
00:11:35,296 --> 00:11:37,214
I should never cook while hungover.
258
00:11:37,565 --> 00:11:39,734
- Do you want some?
- Uh...
259
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,069
Are Abe and Rose gonna be home
any time soon?
260
00:11:42,094 --> 00:11:45,023
Papa's at a work gathering,
Mama's with the garden club.
261
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:49,476
Nights are very quiet
and very separate recently.
262
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,128
Come on. Sit.
263
00:11:52,494 --> 00:11:54,034
Okay.
264
00:11:54,809 --> 00:11:56,519
There any beer in the fridge?
265
00:11:56,653 --> 00:11:58,181
Look in the back.
266
00:11:58,296 --> 00:12:00,194
Mama doesn't like to look at beer.
267
00:12:00,270 --> 00:12:02,089
It makes her think of venereal disease.
268
00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:08,195
The party seemed successful.
269
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,390
Only one kid shoved an acorn
up his nose.
270
00:12:10,415 --> 00:12:12,061
- Mendel?
- Yep.
271
00:12:12,086 --> 00:12:13,212
- Well,
272
00:12:13,253 --> 00:12:15,555
- when you got a talent...
- Mm.
273
00:12:19,056 --> 00:12:20,933
I noticed the new dining room.
274
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:22,616
Yep.
275
00:12:23,298 --> 00:12:25,342
You were not kidding.
276
00:12:27,017 --> 00:12:29,056
I hope this thing
works itself out soon.
277
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,929
I hate to see my parents like this.
278
00:12:30,996 --> 00:12:32,089
It will.
279
00:12:32,114 --> 00:12:34,533
They'll realize it's
a mistake to be apart.
280
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:37,459
They will realize that
they belong together,
281
00:12:37,541 --> 00:12:40,180
and they'll fix it
before it's too late.
282
00:12:40,271 --> 00:12:42,565
Abe and Rose are very smart.
283
00:12:46,796 --> 00:12:48,449
Can I ask you something?
284
00:12:48,474 --> 00:12:49,811
You can ask me anything.
285
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:52,003
Why are you still wearing
your wedding ring?
286
00:12:52,203 --> 00:12:54,302
- I'm still married.
- You were living with Penny.
287
00:12:54,327 --> 00:12:56,455
No, I'm not with Penny. That's over.
288
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,648
Well, you were.
289
00:12:57,673 --> 00:12:59,109
I never saw you without the ring.
290
00:12:59,134 --> 00:13:00,999
I never thought about taking it off.
291
00:13:01,024 --> 00:13:02,330
Never even occurred to me.
292
00:13:02,355 --> 00:13:04,240
That doesn't make sense.
293
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:08,538
Yeah. Nothing I've done
has made any sense.
294
00:13:10,464 --> 00:13:12,496
This is better cold, by the way.
295
00:13:12,823 --> 00:13:15,309
Finish that. I'll get another.
296
00:13:45,696 --> 00:13:47,337
Joel, wait, I-I don't, I don't think...
297
00:13:47,396 --> 00:13:51,372
Please... don't think, Midge.
298
00:13:53,103 --> 00:13:54,621
Please.
299
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:47,612
Mm... Look, Joel, there's
something I have to tell you.
300
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,376
- No. I don't care.
- You don't know what it is.
301
00:14:49,401 --> 00:14:50,753
- I don't care what it is.
- But it's...
302
00:14:50,778 --> 00:14:52,528
If it's bad, I deserve it.
303
00:14:52,834 --> 00:14:54,252
I had it coming. It doesn't matter.
304
00:14:54,277 --> 00:14:55,363
Just let me kiss you again.
305
00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:57,641
This is really important.
306
00:14:58,059 --> 00:14:59,706
Okay.
307
00:15:00,343 --> 00:15:02,185
The whole time that we were together...
308
00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:04,546
And I mean dating and married...
309
00:15:06,348 --> 00:15:09,434
I'd unhook every other hook
on my bra before we had sex.
310
00:15:10,147 --> 00:15:11,553
- You what?
- Before we'd have sex,
311
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,919
I'd go into the bathroom and I'd unhook
312
00:15:12,944 --> 00:15:14,028
every other hook on my bra.
313
00:15:14,053 --> 00:15:15,539
A-And I didn't know
tonight was gonna happen,
314
00:15:15,564 --> 00:15:18,577
so I-I didn't have a chance to do that.
315
00:15:19,377 --> 00:15:21,034
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
316
00:15:21,059 --> 00:15:22,602
- You would unhook your own bra?
- Partly.
317
00:15:22,627 --> 00:15:23,776
Just to give you a head start.
318
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:25,476
- What did you think was gonna happen?
- What?
319
00:15:25,501 --> 00:15:27,264
If I had to unhook
the whole thing all by myself.
320
00:15:27,289 --> 00:15:28,429
What'd you think was gonna happen?
321
00:15:28,454 --> 00:15:29,734
You think I was gonna get bored?
322
00:15:29,827 --> 00:15:31,378
- I don't know.
- You think halfway through
323
00:15:31,509 --> 00:15:33,105
I'd lose interest
and go make a sandwich?
324
00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:35,138
Maybe.
325
00:15:36,092 --> 00:15:37,839
- You believe this?
- I just wanted
326
00:15:37,864 --> 00:15:39,782
to make things easy for you.
327
00:15:39,807 --> 00:15:42,060
Yeah, well, some things are worth
328
00:15:42,085 --> 00:15:43,819
working a little harder for.
329
00:15:54,066 --> 00:15:56,193
Wow, you weren't kidding
about this thing.
330
00:16:01,231 --> 00:16:03,343
Who the hell designed this,
the Catholic Church?
331
00:16:08,002 --> 00:16:10,130
Ha! A conqueror!
332
00:16:15,354 --> 00:16:18,357
How long before the marks go away?
333
00:16:18,382 --> 00:16:20,398
They'll be gone by morning.
334
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,811
Just in time to put the thing
back on again.
335
00:16:23,088 --> 00:16:25,277
It's a vicious circle.
336
00:16:25,416 --> 00:16:26,876
Does it hurt?
337
00:16:26,939 --> 00:16:28,743
Not once your ribs go numb.
338
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,692
I don't know why I never
noticed the marks before.
339
00:16:35,265 --> 00:16:38,285
I'd powder them so they weren't as red.
340
00:16:39,803 --> 00:16:41,754
Of course you did.
341
00:16:43,678 --> 00:16:45,396
You know...
342
00:16:46,293 --> 00:16:48,921
the last time we were in this bed...
343
00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:50,074
Mm-hmm?
344
00:16:50,099 --> 00:16:51,892
...was the week before our wedding.
345
00:16:52,070 --> 00:16:53,913
That's right.
346
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:58,191
I remember laying here thinking,
347
00:16:58,580 --> 00:17:02,513
"In one week, I'll be married
to Miriam Weissman,
348
00:17:02,668 --> 00:17:04,837
"the most beautiful girl in the world.
349
00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:09,446
"And I'll have a wife,
and we'll have our own home,
350
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:12,108
"and we'll have two kids,
351
00:17:12,171 --> 00:17:15,759
"and I'll never, ever have to have sex
352
00:17:15,784 --> 00:17:18,245
in front of the Dionne
quintuplets again."
353
00:17:18,350 --> 00:17:20,379
Best-laid plans.
354
00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:23,092
And now here we are.
355
00:17:24,087 --> 00:17:26,035
You're back in your parents' house,
356
00:17:26,073 --> 00:17:28,200
I'm back in mine.
357
00:17:28,294 --> 00:17:30,633
Very strange.
358
00:17:31,346 --> 00:17:33,273
- I've got a curfew.
- You're kidding.
359
00:17:33,298 --> 00:17:35,095
- And chores.
- Wow.
360
00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,261
- I have a job.
- I heard about the job.
361
00:17:37,286 --> 00:17:38,754
Saving up for a TV set
362
00:17:38,989 --> 00:17:40,175
and some roller skates.
363
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:41,910
Well, I got some roller skates.
364
00:17:42,321 --> 00:17:44,082
They have Buck Rogers on them.
365
00:17:46,856 --> 00:17:48,316
Redd Foxx? What's this?
366
00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:50,352
That's called a party album.
367
00:17:50,460 --> 00:17:52,587
Sort of underground comedy.
368
00:17:52,612 --> 00:17:53,720
Why underground?
369
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:55,722
I don't know. They're dirty,
370
00:17:55,887 --> 00:17:57,755
but really funny.
371
00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:02,153
"The Music Inn"?
372
00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:04,229
That's the place I got 'em.
373
00:18:04,254 --> 00:18:06,382
On 4th. Right near the Gaslight.
374
00:18:06,407 --> 00:18:08,607
- You'd love it.
- Hanging out
375
00:18:08,632 --> 00:18:10,584
at record stores in the Village,
376
00:18:10,688 --> 00:18:13,161
working in a department store...
377
00:18:13,282 --> 00:18:15,847
Went to a protest
in Washington Square Park.
378
00:18:16,055 --> 00:18:17,255
Do you know they want to put a road
379
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,468
right through the middle of the arch?
380
00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:19,908
- What for?
- I don't know.
381
00:18:20,275 --> 00:18:21,777
Progress.
382
00:18:21,802 --> 00:18:25,082
Progress? Right.
383
00:18:26,334 --> 00:18:27,961
Progress.
384
00:18:28,003 --> 00:18:30,755
Things move on, I guess.
385
00:18:32,472 --> 00:18:35,851
How did I screw everything up so badly?
386
00:18:36,146 --> 00:18:38,232
I never said I'm sorry, did I?
387
00:18:38,346 --> 00:18:41,390
I don't know. Maybe.
388
00:18:41,428 --> 00:18:43,931
I should have come back
on my knees that night.
389
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,612
Bought you flowers.
390
00:18:47,488 --> 00:18:48,906
I should have...
391
00:18:49,149 --> 00:18:51,818
Never should have left
in the first place.
392
00:18:53,047 --> 00:18:55,493
You just have to understand...
393
00:18:56,228 --> 00:18:58,522
you are a lot, Midge.
394
00:18:58,547 --> 00:19:00,174
A lot of what?
395
00:19:05,083 --> 00:19:06,938
You meet a girl.
396
00:19:07,509 --> 00:19:09,970
Maybe she's pretty,
397
00:19:10,711 --> 00:19:12,792
maybe she's smart,
398
00:19:12,862 --> 00:19:14,985
maybe she's funny.
399
00:19:15,602 --> 00:19:18,271
Maybe your parents like her.
400
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,623
Maybe you get really lucky,
401
00:19:19,648 --> 00:19:22,168
and she's one or two of those things.
402
00:19:22,859 --> 00:19:25,153
I got 'em all.
403
00:19:25,661 --> 00:19:27,288
That's a lot.
404
00:19:28,694 --> 00:19:30,263
It wasn't enough, though.
405
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,988
It was.
406
00:19:32,456 --> 00:19:34,398
It was more than enough.
407
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,135
I fell in love with you
408
00:19:37,282 --> 00:19:39,785
the moment I asked you out,
and you said no.
409
00:19:39,975 --> 00:19:41,351
A pointless "no."
410
00:19:41,493 --> 00:19:42,823
The first time I laid eyes on you,
411
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,086
that was it for me.
412
00:19:44,111 --> 00:19:45,838
Until you left.
413
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:47,569
I never left.
414
00:19:48,466 --> 00:19:50,959
I don't know what I did, but...
415
00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:53,218
I never really left.
416
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:56,768
Sure felt like you left.
417
00:20:01,196 --> 00:20:03,277
What can I do, Midge?
418
00:20:04,199 --> 00:20:06,302
What can I do to...
419
00:20:07,955 --> 00:20:09,773
I love you.
420
00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:13,090
Do you know that?
421
00:20:14,216 --> 00:20:16,528
Do you know that I love you?
422
00:20:19,035 --> 00:20:20,563
So, what happens now?
423
00:20:20,611 --> 00:20:22,363
What do you want to happen?
424
00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:26,675
Because whatever it is, I will do it.
425
00:20:26,883 --> 00:20:29,862
Just tell me what you want.
426
00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:36,475
I want your roller skates.
427
00:21:01,411 --> 00:21:02,662
- Oh, no.
- What?
428
00:21:02,689 --> 00:21:04,482
Shh. We fell asleep.
429
00:21:04,530 --> 00:21:05,769
We weren't supposed to fall asleep.
430
00:21:05,794 --> 00:21:06,989
- I was...
- Shh.
431
00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:08,521
That sounds like eggs.
432
00:21:08,546 --> 00:21:09,595
Does that sound like eggs?
433
00:21:09,620 --> 00:21:10,621
- It...
- Shh.
434
00:21:10,741 --> 00:21:11,972
Morning, Zelda.
435
00:21:11,997 --> 00:21:13,385
I'm making eggs, Mrs. Weissman.
436
00:21:13,410 --> 00:21:15,325
See? Shit! Eggs. Shit!
437
00:21:15,350 --> 00:21:16,644
- Midge...
- We fell asleep.
438
00:21:16,669 --> 00:21:18,075
I can't believe we fell asleep
in my room.
439
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:20,463
- So what?
- There are poodles in here, Joel.
440
00:21:20,488 --> 00:21:21,691
Dozens of 'em.
441
00:21:21,716 --> 00:21:23,443
We've had sex in your room
before, Midge.
442
00:21:23,468 --> 00:21:25,053
Not since we've been married.
443
00:21:25,127 --> 00:21:26,295
Well, you got me there.
444
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,654
You have to go.
445
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:30,575
Wait. What... What are you doing?
446
00:21:31,081 --> 00:21:33,144
I... this is not the way to make me go,
447
00:21:33,169 --> 00:21:34,337
in case there was a question.
448
00:21:34,362 --> 00:21:35,446
Get your clothes.
449
00:21:36,925 --> 00:21:38,635
You get your clothes, you leave,
450
00:21:38,777 --> 00:21:40,195
they'll never know.
451
00:21:40,236 --> 00:21:42,405
Oh, to have a camera right now.
452
00:21:43,038 --> 00:21:44,706
- Get dressed.
- Midge, I...
453
00:21:44,731 --> 00:21:46,274
- You have to get dressed.
- But I...
454
00:21:46,299 --> 00:21:47,926
You get dressed
and climb out the window,
455
00:21:47,951 --> 00:21:49,160
just like you used to.
456
00:21:49,185 --> 00:21:50,869
Yes, good, climb out the window,
457
00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:51,909
go from the fire escape to the roof,
458
00:21:51,934 --> 00:21:53,346
and take the freight elevator
back down.
459
00:21:53,371 --> 00:21:55,143
Will you stop? Will you just...
460
00:21:55,659 --> 00:21:57,125
You should try out for the Yankees.
461
00:21:57,238 --> 00:21:59,818
Shoes, belt, socks.
462
00:22:00,044 --> 00:22:02,475
Where are your socks?
Where are your socks?
463
00:22:02,539 --> 00:22:04,791
Where are your socks?
What'd you do with your socks?
464
00:22:05,053 --> 00:22:06,638
Oh, they're in your shoes.
465
00:22:06,807 --> 00:22:08,301
At some point last night
you stopped to put your socks
466
00:22:08,326 --> 00:22:09,898
- in your shoes?
- I didn't, I...
467
00:22:09,923 --> 00:22:11,665
Why are you slow?
Were you always this slow?
468
00:22:11,690 --> 00:22:12,991
I haven't panic-dressed in a while.
469
00:22:13,016 --> 00:22:14,760
Go! You can finish outside.
470
00:22:14,836 --> 00:22:16,875
Okay, okay, calm down. I'm going.
471
00:22:17,222 --> 00:22:19,108
Oh, wait.
472
00:22:19,261 --> 00:22:20,700
I think I left my wallet
in the kitchen.
473
00:22:20,725 --> 00:22:22,643
- Let me just, uh...
- This isn't funny.
474
00:22:22,816 --> 00:22:25,895
Miriam? Are you up?
475
00:22:26,035 --> 00:22:27,245
If not, get up.
476
00:22:27,270 --> 00:22:28,869
I'm up. I'll be right there.
477
00:22:29,203 --> 00:22:31,295
- Joel, please, just...
- I'm going.
478
00:22:31,818 --> 00:22:33,361
Geez, it's freezing.
479
00:22:33,562 --> 00:22:35,698
This window seemed bigger
five years ago.
480
00:22:36,057 --> 00:22:37,315
No, no cheese.
481
00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:38,742
No cheese from now on, ever.
482
00:22:38,767 --> 00:22:40,602
- Hey.
- What?
483
00:22:52,336 --> 00:22:54,213
Did you always look
like this in the morning?
484
00:22:54,436 --> 00:22:56,269
You got to go.
485
00:23:01,519 --> 00:23:03,604
Morning, Mama. Morning, Zelda.
486
00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:06,158
My goodness, the coffee smells
especially amazing today.
487
00:23:06,183 --> 00:23:09,240
You know those days when coffee
just smells extra amazing?
488
00:23:09,414 --> 00:23:12,250
Yes, those are wonderful days.
What are you wearing?
489
00:23:12,278 --> 00:23:14,363
This is a robe.
490
00:23:14,492 --> 00:23:16,971
Yes. I stand by my previous statement.
491
00:23:16,996 --> 00:23:19,477
Your face is a mess.
Your hair is a mess.
492
00:23:19,502 --> 00:23:22,630
So it's a theme. No, I just, I-I had...
493
00:23:23,105 --> 00:23:25,019
I had a dream I was on a safari,
494
00:23:25,044 --> 00:23:27,082
and there was no place for me
to get my hair done.
495
00:23:27,107 --> 00:23:28,894
And all my bags got lost,
496
00:23:28,919 --> 00:23:30,981
and a lion chased me and ate my purse.
497
00:23:31,006 --> 00:23:32,107
And when I woke up, I looked like this.
498
00:23:32,132 --> 00:23:36,091
So, that is the last time
that I... dream.
499
00:23:38,776 --> 00:23:40,027
My room's a mess.
500
00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:42,263
Wouldn't want you to dock my allowance.
501
00:23:42,782 --> 00:23:44,242
Good morning, Papa.
502
00:23:44,267 --> 00:23:45,592
Want to hear about my safari dream?
503
00:23:45,617 --> 00:23:46,782
It's the reason I look like this.
504
00:23:46,807 --> 00:23:48,359
Like what?
505
00:23:48,503 --> 00:23:50,005
Coffee sure smells good, huh?
506
00:23:50,065 --> 00:23:51,410
- Smells like coffee.
- Mm.
507
00:23:51,436 --> 00:23:52,695
Good morning, Zelda.
508
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:53,929
Good morning, Mr. Weissman.
509
00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,496
- Good morning, Ro...
- I'll take my breakfast
510
00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,072
in the dining room, Zelda.
511
00:23:57,213 --> 00:23:59,340
Will you be joining Mrs. Weissman?
512
00:23:59,549 --> 00:24:01,645
In the dining room?
513
00:24:01,872 --> 00:24:04,749
No, I won't.
514
00:24:05,377 --> 00:24:07,169
Bye, Papa.
515
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,029
What?
516
00:24:10,344 --> 00:24:13,013
The coffee smells
very good this morning.
517
00:24:16,851 --> 00:24:18,646
"Belter Chemical Company
518
00:24:18,671 --> 00:24:20,108
"of Pasadena, California
519
00:24:20,133 --> 00:24:22,267
specializes in Bakelite production."
520
00:24:22,292 --> 00:24:23,525
Got to speak up, Donny.
521
00:24:23,566 --> 00:24:26,110
"But their profits
have seen a steady decline
522
00:24:26,152 --> 00:24:27,320
"ever since the war ended.
523
00:24:27,362 --> 00:24:28,738
"Not only is there no need
524
00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:30,416
- "for pilot goggles..."
- Yada, yada, yada.
525
00:24:30,441 --> 00:24:32,564
You got to pace it up. You're
boring the shit out of me.
526
00:24:32,589 --> 00:24:35,226
- Archie?
- Hmm, what? Is Donny still talking?
527
00:24:35,251 --> 00:24:36,334
- Screw you, Archie.
- Okay.
528
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:38,378
Let's say Donny finishes
and everyone's still conscious.
529
00:24:38,403 --> 00:24:40,403
- Thank you, thank you very much.
- You'll step in
530
00:24:40,428 --> 00:24:42,147
with the Belter profit
and loss records.
531
00:24:42,172 --> 00:24:43,710
Play up the bad, which means...
532
00:24:43,735 --> 00:24:46,258
We swoop in with a lowball offer
that they will jump at!
533
00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:48,002
Hear that, Donny?
It's called having a pulse.
534
00:24:48,027 --> 00:24:49,995
I'm being ganged up on here,
Mrs. Moskowitz.
535
00:24:50,020 --> 00:24:51,212
Play nice, boys.
536
00:24:51,237 --> 00:24:53,182
Archie finishes,
then I'll bring it home.
537
00:24:53,342 --> 00:24:55,642
There will be lots of
figures, lots of fireworks.
538
00:24:55,681 --> 00:24:57,974
I'll throw around words
like "phenolic resins."
539
00:24:57,999 --> 00:25:00,626
- Oh! -Oh! -Catalin,
Faturan and Crystalate...
540
00:25:00,701 --> 00:25:02,531
I hear they're headlining
at the Apollo next week.
541
00:25:02,556 --> 00:25:04,259
- Then I'll point to charts!
- Charts! -Charts!
542
00:25:04,284 --> 00:25:05,524
- And graphs!
- Graphs! -Graphs!
543
00:25:05,549 --> 00:25:06,991
I'll dazzle them with bullshit,
544
00:25:07,016 --> 00:25:09,337
and then we'll hand out some
very nice color-coded binders,
545
00:25:09,362 --> 00:25:10,657
and as they all start to read,
546
00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,402
I'll sum up the
presentation with the words,
547
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,890
"The future is ours.
And we will take it!"
548
00:25:14,923 --> 00:25:17,050
Well.
549
00:25:17,138 --> 00:25:18,347
We're ready, men.
550
00:25:18,372 --> 00:25:20,582
- Get a shave, press your suits.
- Oh.
551
00:25:20,607 --> 00:25:23,334
I don't think Don
should wear his grey suit.
552
00:25:23,459 --> 00:25:24,714
It makes him look tubby.
553
00:25:24,739 --> 00:25:26,379
Et tu, Mrs. Moskowitz?
554
00:25:26,404 --> 00:25:27,624
You heard her, Donny.
555
00:25:27,655 --> 00:25:28,821
- You're tubby in the grey.
- Boy,
556
00:25:28,846 --> 00:25:29,893
are you in a good mood.
557
00:25:29,918 --> 00:25:31,968
He's been
in a good mood all day.
558
00:25:31,993 --> 00:25:33,269
Something making you extra happy?
559
00:25:33,294 --> 00:25:35,029
Something you can share? Or pour?
560
00:25:35,054 --> 00:25:37,848
- Well, I wasn't gonna say anything.
- About what?
561
00:25:38,224 --> 00:25:41,917
It's not a done deal yet, but
it looks like maybe Midge and I
562
00:25:41,942 --> 00:25:43,646
- might give it another go.
- You're kidding.
563
00:25:43,671 --> 00:25:45,989
Oh, thank God. Thank you, God.
564
00:25:46,014 --> 00:25:47,432
- Easy, boy.
- You don't understand.
565
00:25:47,457 --> 00:25:49,474
You have no idea
what it's been like with Imogene
566
00:25:49,499 --> 00:25:51,601
since the two of you split.
She's gone crazy.
567
00:25:51,626 --> 00:25:53,662
Wasn't that long a trip, pal.
I got news for you.
568
00:25:53,687 --> 00:25:55,580
She's obsessed with my every move.
569
00:25:55,605 --> 00:25:57,274
Where have I been, what am I doing?
570
00:25:57,299 --> 00:25:59,202
I spilled ketchup on my shirt one day,
571
00:25:59,227 --> 00:26:01,264
and she goes over to my
secretary's apartment
572
00:26:01,289 --> 00:26:04,479
and compares all her
lipstick color to the stain.
573
00:26:04,504 --> 00:26:05,819
- Ooh!
- Can I tell her about Midge?
574
00:26:05,844 --> 00:26:07,164
Please, let me tell her.
575
00:26:07,189 --> 00:26:08,687
Not just yet, but soon.
576
00:26:08,998 --> 00:26:12,253
In the meantime, after work
tonight, drinks are on me.
577
00:26:12,278 --> 00:26:14,030
- -Oh!
- You, too, Mrs. Moskowitz!
578
00:26:14,091 --> 00:26:17,278
I can't wait
to meet Mrs. Maisel.
579
00:26:17,321 --> 00:26:18,990
I bet she's a pretty wonderful girl.
580
00:26:19,098 --> 00:26:20,830
Oh, she is, Mrs. Moskowitz.
581
00:26:20,855 --> 00:26:23,399
She is at that.
582
00:26:36,072 --> 00:26:37,531
No.
583
00:26:37,673 --> 00:26:40,203
Hey, what's funnier,
corned beef or pastrami?
584
00:26:40,228 --> 00:26:41,579
Pastrami.
585
00:26:41,621 --> 00:26:44,207
"Pastrami..."
586
00:26:44,248 --> 00:26:45,851
That is funnier.
587
00:26:45,935 --> 00:26:47,353
Thank you!
588
00:26:53,285 --> 00:26:55,787
I think
maybe he could be the one.
589
00:26:55,856 --> 00:26:57,233
He doesn't have to be the one.
590
00:26:57,258 --> 00:26:59,207
He could just be the one right now.
591
00:26:59,232 --> 00:27:00,536
Where is he taking you?
592
00:27:00,561 --> 00:27:02,599
- The movies.
- So lucky.
593
00:27:02,624 --> 00:27:03,835
What's your evening, Viv?
594
00:27:03,860 --> 00:27:05,812
I'm going to church with my family.
595
00:27:05,837 --> 00:27:09,802
The choir's great and the priest
looks just like David Niven.
596
00:27:09,827 --> 00:27:10,995
Oh, dear.
597
00:27:11,082 --> 00:27:13,251
It's snowing.
598
00:27:13,392 --> 00:27:14,727
I love the snow.
599
00:27:14,752 --> 00:27:16,042
Don't you love the snow?
600
00:27:16,067 --> 00:27:17,273
I do love the snow.
601
00:27:17,298 --> 00:27:18,901
I think the snow is good luck.
602
00:27:18,926 --> 00:27:20,553
Depends on how far you have to walk.
603
00:27:20,581 --> 00:27:23,338
My wedding had a Russian
winter wonderland theme.
604
00:27:23,363 --> 00:27:24,742
You know, like Doctor Zhivago.
605
00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:27,028
You had a medical themed
wedding? That's really weird.
606
00:27:27,053 --> 00:27:29,686
Doctor Zhivago is a book.
Don't make us look stupid.
607
00:27:29,711 --> 00:27:31,993
Everything was white,
and there were trees painted
608
00:27:32,018 --> 00:27:33,474
like they were covered with snow.
609
00:27:33,499 --> 00:27:36,085
It was really, really beautiful.
610
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:37,579
What are you doing tonight, Midge?
611
00:27:37,686 --> 00:27:39,314
- Oh, I have plans.
- Hmm.
612
00:27:39,339 --> 00:27:40,924
Is it something wonderful?
613
00:27:40,977 --> 00:27:43,062
It is. It is something wonderful.
614
00:27:43,111 --> 00:27:45,099
That's good. Because tonight,
615
00:27:45,184 --> 00:27:47,122
everyone should do something wonderful.
616
00:27:48,339 --> 00:27:50,470
- Bye, Midge.
- Bye.
617
00:27:50,626 --> 00:27:52,920
Ho, ho, ho.
618
00:27:53,002 --> 00:27:54,922
Look, it's Santa.
619
00:28:06,410 --> 00:28:08,647
Four sailors stuck
licking the lamp post.
620
00:28:08,747 --> 00:28:10,175
You got to hit "licking."
I keep telling you,
621
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,968
it's not funny unless you
hit "licking" right.
622
00:28:12,100 --> 00:28:13,767
Licking the lamp post.
623
00:28:14,007 --> 00:28:15,668
Licking the lamp post.
624
00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:17,650
Jesus, how long
are we gonna be sitting here?
625
00:28:17,675 --> 00:28:19,051
You're supposed to go on at 8:00.
626
00:28:19,093 --> 00:28:21,572
When you said "shit gig,"
this is exactly what I pictured.
627
00:28:21,597 --> 00:28:23,849
Yeah, this place
is pretty much the worst.
628
00:28:23,922 --> 00:28:26,348
Now, remember, the audience
out there will be terrible.
629
00:28:26,381 --> 00:28:27,769
All right? They're gonna be drunk,
630
00:28:27,794 --> 00:28:29,195
horny and in no mood to laugh.
631
00:28:29,220 --> 00:28:30,913
There's pretty much no chance
you're gonna win them over,
632
00:28:30,938 --> 00:28:32,291
even if you do show them your tits,
633
00:28:32,316 --> 00:28:34,694
'cause there's a lot of tits
to look at in here.
634
00:28:35,910 --> 00:28:37,630
I'm sorry, was that the end
of the pep talk?
635
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:38,751
Just keep going.
636
00:28:38,776 --> 00:28:40,397
No matter what they toss at you,
keep going.
637
00:28:40,422 --> 00:28:42,897
- Okay.
- Duck, you know, but keep going.
638
00:28:44,577 --> 00:28:46,913
- So, Susie.
- Yes?
639
00:28:47,376 --> 00:28:49,212
- I'm gonna tell you something.
- Okay.
640
00:28:49,237 --> 00:28:50,583
I'm just gonna say it,
because I want you to hear it,
641
00:28:50,608 --> 00:28:52,208
and after I say it
and after you hear it,
642
00:28:52,233 --> 00:28:53,833
we are not gonna discuss it again.
643
00:28:53,858 --> 00:28:55,255
I just want you to hear it,
644
00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:56,586
because we are in business together,
645
00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:57,867
and we spend time together
646
00:28:57,892 --> 00:29:00,063
and it could come up occasionally.
647
00:29:00,191 --> 00:29:01,293
And I don't want to keep
anything from you.
648
00:29:01,318 --> 00:29:02,629
But I don't want you to be surprised
649
00:29:02,654 --> 00:29:04,111
- if I accidentally...
- What is this?
650
00:29:04,136 --> 00:29:05,448
The lost Hamlet monologue?
651
00:29:05,473 --> 00:29:06,619
Just say it, for Christ's sake.
652
00:29:06,644 --> 00:29:08,091
I spent the night with Joel.
653
00:29:08,867 --> 00:29:10,793
After Ethan's party,
he spent the night.
654
00:29:10,886 --> 00:29:14,101
And we... spent the night.
655
00:29:14,357 --> 00:29:15,525
So there.
656
00:29:15,566 --> 00:29:17,060
I told you. You know it.
657
00:29:17,085 --> 00:29:19,103
We are not gonna talk about it again.
658
00:29:21,228 --> 00:29:22,960
Who's Joel?
659
00:29:23,624 --> 00:29:25,293
My husband.
660
00:29:25,993 --> 00:29:27,623
You slept with your husband?
661
00:29:27,648 --> 00:29:29,014
He was such an asshole.
662
00:29:29,041 --> 00:29:30,500
We are not gonna talk about it.
663
00:29:30,620 --> 00:29:31,846
Are you getting back together with him?
664
00:29:31,871 --> 00:29:33,815
I just thought I should tell you
in case it came up...
665
00:29:33,840 --> 00:29:35,001
In case what?
666
00:29:35,026 --> 00:29:36,387
We are not gonna talk about it.
667
00:29:36,412 --> 00:29:37,900
- You are, aren't you?
- Not talking about it.
668
00:29:37,925 --> 00:29:39,604
- But...
- Not talking about.
669
00:29:40,216 --> 00:29:41,968
- Susie Myerson!
- Yeah.
670
00:29:43,141 --> 00:29:46,500
We'll continue not talking
about it when I get back.
671
00:29:48,305 --> 00:29:50,099
You slept with your husband?
672
00:29:51,135 --> 00:29:52,242
Yes.
673
00:29:52,267 --> 00:29:54,995
Aren't you supposed to sleep
with your husband? I'm confused.
674
00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:57,206
Well, we've been separated for a while,
675
00:29:57,231 --> 00:29:58,899
so it was, it was a little unexpected.
676
00:29:58,924 --> 00:30:01,295
Well, your boyfriend took it
pretty well, considering.
677
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:02,868
Oh, Susie's not my boyfriend.
678
00:30:02,893 --> 00:30:04,131
She's my manager.
679
00:30:04,156 --> 00:30:05,700
Strippers got managers now?
680
00:30:05,741 --> 00:30:06,909
I-I'm not a stripper.
681
00:30:06,951 --> 00:30:08,862
- What are you?
- I'm a comic.
682
00:30:08,887 --> 00:30:11,181
Ooh, tough way to make a living.
683
00:30:14,832 --> 00:30:16,250
Get your coat.
684
00:30:16,292 --> 00:30:18,497
- Why?
- Just get it. Let's go.
685
00:30:18,625 --> 00:30:20,464
- Susie.
- They canceled us, okay?
686
00:30:20,489 --> 00:30:21,982
- You happy?
- What are you talking about,
687
00:30:22,007 --> 00:30:23,230
- "canceled"?
- They just told me,
688
00:30:23,255 --> 00:30:25,309
they got someone else
for your spot tonight.
689
00:30:25,395 --> 00:30:27,162
- Why?
- Why do you think?
690
00:30:27,187 --> 00:30:28,522
Harry fucking Drake.
691
00:30:28,597 --> 00:30:30,224
Are you kidding? How did he even know
692
00:30:30,249 --> 00:30:31,460
about this stupid gig?
693
00:30:31,485 --> 00:30:33,988
- Oh, I told him.
- Why?
694
00:30:34,013 --> 00:30:35,629
'Cause I'm the world's biggest idiot.
695
00:30:35,654 --> 00:30:37,539
And you can bet
if he cost us this loser gig,
696
00:30:37,564 --> 00:30:39,507
he's probably gonna cost us
the other loser gig, also.
697
00:30:39,532 --> 00:30:41,901
Well, they're blackballing
Amanda Gleason, not me.
698
00:30:41,926 --> 00:30:44,545
I-I could change my
name to Trudy Macintosh.
699
00:30:44,570 --> 00:30:46,119
Well, he knows my name, Trudy.
700
00:30:46,144 --> 00:30:48,855
And they're not dealing with me,
and I'm your manager. Right?
701
00:30:48,890 --> 00:30:50,183
Yes. Of course.
702
00:30:50,208 --> 00:30:51,294
Right?
703
00:30:51,319 --> 00:30:53,443
Yes. Susie, please. We're a team.
704
00:30:53,468 --> 00:30:55,345
Okay.
705
00:30:55,561 --> 00:30:56,770
So what do we do now?
706
00:30:56,795 --> 00:30:57,963
I don't know.
707
00:30:57,988 --> 00:30:59,672
Shit, shit, shit.
708
00:30:59,884 --> 00:31:01,738
Cunt.
709
00:31:02,281 --> 00:31:04,241
It's a good thing
you don't have a career anymore,
710
00:31:04,266 --> 00:31:05,519
'cause that loser husband of yours
711
00:31:05,544 --> 00:31:08,171
would never have
let you do this anyway.
712
00:31:13,434 --> 00:31:15,811
I'll fly out of here, like a bird.
713
00:31:16,186 --> 00:31:18,525
Like a bird, like a bird.
714
00:31:18,602 --> 00:31:21,021
I'll run out of here, like a deer.
715
00:31:21,262 --> 00:31:23,576
Like a deer, like a deer.
716
00:31:23,608 --> 00:31:26,027
I'll swim out of here,
like a fish.
717
00:31:26,241 --> 00:31:28,869
- Like a fish, like a fish.
- Back table.
718
00:31:28,918 --> 00:31:31,099
I'll climb out of here,
like an ape.
719
00:31:31,161 --> 00:31:33,916
- What's he doing here?
- Fuck if I'm gonna ask.
720
00:31:34,067 --> 00:31:36,808
I'll slink out of here,
like a snake.
721
00:31:36,847 --> 00:31:39,002
Like a snake, like a snake.
722
00:31:39,027 --> 00:31:41,640
- Hey boss, nice to...
- Who the hell is Amanda Gleason?
723
00:31:41,708 --> 00:31:44,503
- Why?
- Word is she's persona non grata.
724
00:31:44,545 --> 00:31:46,756
Harry Drake himself made the call.
725
00:31:46,984 --> 00:31:49,481
The last time I talked to
Harry Drake was ten years ago,
726
00:31:49,506 --> 00:31:51,602
when the same whore
gave us both the clap.
727
00:31:51,627 --> 00:31:53,027
- That's a nice story.
- He's saying
728
00:31:53,052 --> 00:31:55,214
Amanda Gleason better not
come within ten feet
729
00:31:55,239 --> 00:31:56,391
of the Gaslight.
730
00:31:56,416 --> 00:31:59,002
If she does, he'll make
sure anyone who performs here
731
00:31:59,027 --> 00:32:01,145
will never work
on the East Coast again.
732
00:32:01,170 --> 00:32:02,818
Look, Harry is a legendary drunk.
733
00:32:02,843 --> 00:32:04,833
And he's saying you screwed him over.
734
00:32:04,858 --> 00:32:06,161
Did you do that?
735
00:32:06,186 --> 00:32:07,466
At least I didn't give him the clap.
736
00:32:07,491 --> 00:32:09,125
Who is Amanda Gleason, Susie?
737
00:32:09,150 --> 00:32:11,389
- She's a comic I'm managing.
- Well, see if you can
738
00:32:11,414 --> 00:32:12,654
manage to keep her out of here.
739
00:32:12,699 --> 00:32:13,924
- Eddie...
- Don't book her,
740
00:32:13,949 --> 00:32:15,364
don't give her a slot.
741
00:32:15,389 --> 00:32:17,857
Don't let her use the john.
Nothing. You got it?
742
00:32:17,882 --> 00:32:19,562
You'd feel different
if you'd heard her act.
743
00:32:19,587 --> 00:32:21,088
Susie, listen to me.
744
00:32:21,271 --> 00:32:22,688
You've done a good job here
745
00:32:22,713 --> 00:32:26,091
with Baz off in the tundra,
or wherever the hell he is.
746
00:32:26,116 --> 00:32:28,410
But I need you to stand down
for a while.
747
00:32:28,868 --> 00:32:31,714
- What does that mean?
- It means let Jackie run things.
748
00:32:31,855 --> 00:32:33,774
Let him put the lineups together.
749
00:32:34,003 --> 00:32:36,612
You stay away from anything
having to do with the talent.
750
00:32:36,686 --> 00:32:38,370
- Then what am I supposed to do?
- Run the door.
751
00:32:38,395 --> 00:32:39,963
I would rather clean gum off the floor.
752
00:32:39,988 --> 00:32:43,754
Sit your ass on that stool
and take people's money.
753
00:32:43,779 --> 00:32:44,870
No fucking way.
754
00:32:44,895 --> 00:32:47,179
You want to take that sunny,
people-pleasing attitude
755
00:32:47,204 --> 00:32:49,589
of yours and go look
for another job? Go ahead.
756
00:32:49,614 --> 00:32:51,866
Rikers might be hiring. Okay.
757
00:32:52,047 --> 00:32:54,300
We're clear. I'm leaving.
758
00:32:54,808 --> 00:32:56,216
It's nice seeing you.
759
00:32:56,271 --> 00:32:58,606
Don't make me come down here again.
760
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:00,997
- Snake.
- Snake,
761
00:33:01,022 --> 00:33:02,899
snake, snake, snake.
762
00:33:02,965 --> 00:33:06,051
Snake.
763
00:33:18,724 --> 00:33:20,445
I've got five minutes for a toast,
764
00:33:20,470 --> 00:33:21,824
and then I'm on the clock.
765
00:33:21,888 --> 00:33:24,237
- Happy holidays.
- Merry Christmas.
766
00:33:24,262 --> 00:33:26,163
Here's mud in your eye.
767
00:33:27,733 --> 00:33:30,026
Oh, my. Vivian mixed this, didn't she?
768
00:33:30,051 --> 00:33:32,035
- How'd you know?
- Wild guess.
769
00:33:32,066 --> 00:33:33,356
Finger, please.
770
00:33:33,381 --> 00:33:34,549
Who gets the pretty gift?
771
00:33:34,574 --> 00:33:36,284
Harriet got a modeling job.
772
00:33:36,330 --> 00:33:37,843
In Paris. Could you die?
773
00:33:37,868 --> 00:33:39,403
Oh, that's wonderful.
774
00:33:39,428 --> 00:33:41,276
Christmas in Paris.
775
00:33:41,347 --> 00:33:43,057
With French guys.
776
00:33:43,082 --> 00:33:45,881
Here's to Charles Boyer!
777
00:33:46,283 --> 00:33:48,709
To Charles Boyer!
778
00:33:49,055 --> 00:33:50,890
How about we get Viv
a little Christmas coffee
779
00:33:50,926 --> 00:33:52,324
before she goes back on the floor,
780
00:33:52,349 --> 00:33:54,037
so she doesn't start eating
the lipsticks again.
781
00:33:54,062 --> 00:33:55,461
Will do.
782
00:33:55,486 --> 00:33:57,336
Oh, I forgot to ask about your date.
783
00:33:57,454 --> 00:33:59,790
Is he the one, or the one right now?
784
00:34:00,777 --> 00:34:02,935
Well, well, well.
785
00:34:02,976 --> 00:34:05,457
God bless us, everyone!
786
00:34:05,482 --> 00:34:08,026
- What's that mean?
- It's the end of Christmas Carol.
787
00:34:08,224 --> 00:34:09,600
It's a book.
788
00:34:09,641 --> 00:34:11,851
Always with the books, geez.
789
00:34:30,504 --> 00:34:32,290
Congratulations, mademoiselle.
790
00:34:32,315 --> 00:34:34,190
- A Viv special?
- A Viv special.
791
00:34:34,215 --> 00:34:35,550
I can smell it from here.
792
00:34:35,575 --> 00:34:37,413
I want postcards from Paris.
793
00:34:37,438 --> 00:34:38,565
Mais oui.
794
00:34:38,590 --> 00:34:39,675
Hey!
795
00:34:40,013 --> 00:34:41,438
Penny... What are you...
796
00:34:41,463 --> 00:34:43,507
I have been all over
town looking for you.
797
00:34:43,532 --> 00:34:45,617
- Penny, I'm working right now.
- Oh, I know.
798
00:34:45,713 --> 00:34:47,673
I know you're working
because Joel said you worked
799
00:34:47,698 --> 00:34:48,829
in a department store.
800
00:34:48,854 --> 00:34:50,306
He just didn't say which one.
801
00:34:50,331 --> 00:34:52,328
So I went to all of them.
802
00:34:52,353 --> 00:34:54,606
I went to Saks. I went to Bergdorf's.
803
00:34:54,631 --> 00:34:56,842
I went to Macy's. I went to Gimbels.
804
00:34:56,867 --> 00:34:59,227
They're across the street from
each other, so that was easy.
805
00:34:59,252 --> 00:35:00,413
I went to Lord & Taylor's.
806
00:35:00,438 --> 00:35:02,010
I went to Bendel's,
even though I thought,
807
00:35:02,035 --> 00:35:03,095
"She wouldn't shop at Bendel's,"
808
00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,220
but it's not really about
809
00:35:04,245 --> 00:35:05,591
where you would shop, is it?
810
00:35:05,616 --> 00:35:07,478
- Not really. Look, can we...
- I almost gave up.
811
00:35:07,503 --> 00:35:10,286
But I decided, "No,
I'll give it one more try."
812
00:35:10,311 --> 00:35:12,313
And I came here, and here you are.
813
00:35:12,338 --> 00:35:15,216
- Yes. Look...
- I know all about you and Joel.
814
00:35:15,241 --> 00:35:17,026
I know that you spent
the night together.
815
00:35:17,051 --> 00:35:19,232
And I think that's rotten. It's mean
816
00:35:19,257 --> 00:35:20,671
and it's spiteful and vindictive
817
00:35:20,696 --> 00:35:22,256
and I don't understand why you'd do it.
818
00:35:22,281 --> 00:35:24,161
Wow. Where's a fainting couch
when you need one?
819
00:35:24,186 --> 00:35:25,394
Joel and I were happy.
820
00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:26,907
- Oh, boy.
- I made him happy.
821
00:35:26,932 --> 00:35:28,682
- He moved out, Penny.
- Not really.
822
00:35:28,707 --> 00:35:30,292
- Are his things there?
- There's socks.
823
00:35:30,403 --> 00:35:32,395
Socks? Or just a sock?
824
00:35:32,542 --> 00:35:34,043
He moved out. You broke up.
825
00:35:34,124 --> 00:35:35,501
No. We did not break up.
826
00:35:35,629 --> 00:35:37,366
Joel never said the words,
"We broke up."
827
00:35:37,391 --> 00:35:39,266
- What words did he say?
- Other words.
828
00:35:39,291 --> 00:35:41,291
Other words that basically
amount to "we broke up"?
829
00:35:41,316 --> 00:35:42,620
I was good for him.
830
00:35:42,645 --> 00:35:45,063
Better for him than you were.
He relaxed around me.
831
00:35:45,088 --> 00:35:46,926
He'd come home at night
and fall right to sleep.
832
00:35:46,951 --> 00:35:48,619
Boy, you are making it way too easy.
833
00:35:48,644 --> 00:35:49,996
If you had just let go,
if you had just...
834
00:35:50,021 --> 00:35:51,617
He never took off his wedding ring.
835
00:35:51,642 --> 00:35:53,013
You didn't think that was strange?
836
00:35:53,038 --> 00:35:55,415
The stress of everything
made his fingers swell.
837
00:35:56,127 --> 00:35:59,306
Penny, you don't really
believe that, do you?
838
00:36:01,952 --> 00:36:03,787
He would've forgotten you.
839
00:36:03,835 --> 00:36:06,754
You just did something.
840
00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:09,186
You need to go.
841
00:36:09,528 --> 00:36:12,149
You did sleep together, didn't you?
842
00:36:12,663 --> 00:36:14,809
- Yes.
- Tramp!
843
00:36:14,979 --> 00:36:16,633
That's what I went to seven different
844
00:36:16,658 --> 00:36:17,951
department stores to say!
845
00:36:17,976 --> 00:36:20,300
You are a tramp!
846
00:36:23,344 --> 00:36:25,262
We need to have a talk.
847
00:36:25,287 --> 00:36:27,372
Bring your handbook.
848
00:36:35,706 --> 00:36:36,748
What do you do?
849
00:36:36,773 --> 00:36:38,108
Spoken word with tambourine.
850
00:36:38,346 --> 00:36:40,098
Your parents must be thrilled.
851
00:36:40,140 --> 00:36:42,110
Okay. 8:30.
852
00:36:42,352 --> 00:36:43,590
Can I get some change?
853
00:36:43,641 --> 00:36:45,101
Fuck off.
854
00:36:45,126 --> 00:36:47,616
Oh, yeah. Singles okay?
855
00:36:47,641 --> 00:36:48,638
What do you do?
856
00:36:48,663 --> 00:36:50,623
Carter Family covers.
857
00:36:50,746 --> 00:36:52,004
11:30.
858
00:36:52,029 --> 00:36:53,968
How'd you get Imogene to let you
come out with me tonight?
859
00:36:53,993 --> 00:36:55,859
I explained this is a big deal for you.
860
00:36:55,884 --> 00:36:57,678
You needed your second by your side.
861
00:36:57,703 --> 00:36:59,330
So if I bomb, you're going up?
862
00:36:59,355 --> 00:37:00,715
Nope. You bomb, I look the other way.
863
00:37:00,740 --> 00:37:02,261
Never met you.
864
00:37:04,324 --> 00:37:05,613
Hi, there.
865
00:37:05,638 --> 00:37:07,448
- Remember me?
- No.
866
00:37:07,473 --> 00:37:09,314
- I'm the one with the brisket.
- No.
867
00:37:09,339 --> 00:37:10,847
Actually, my wife
would bring the brisket,
868
00:37:10,872 --> 00:37:13,266
but it was for me to get me a spot.
869
00:37:13,457 --> 00:37:16,295
So, how about I owe you a
brisket and you give me a spot?
870
00:37:16,550 --> 00:37:17,583
No.
871
00:37:17,608 --> 00:37:20,537
Okay. Hey, that is a great blouse.
872
00:37:20,562 --> 00:37:21,766
Barking up the wrong tree, pal.
873
00:37:21,791 --> 00:37:23,939
Right. Look, I'd really love a spot.
874
00:37:24,119 --> 00:37:25,662
Anything you could do?
875
00:37:25,871 --> 00:37:27,429
I don't give out the spots anymore.
876
00:37:27,454 --> 00:37:28,709
Got to talk to him.
877
00:37:28,734 --> 00:37:29,855
Tell him he's got a nice ass.
878
00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:31,549
That usually works.
879
00:37:32,091 --> 00:37:34,844
Okay, thanks.
880
00:37:35,315 --> 00:37:36,499
Hi.
881
00:37:36,524 --> 00:37:38,367
I'm a comedian.
I'd like a slot tonight.
882
00:37:38,392 --> 00:37:39,820
Sorry, pal. All full.
883
00:37:39,980 --> 00:37:41,507
You sure?
884
00:37:41,532 --> 00:37:45,828
Just gave the last one
to that guy or that guy.
885
00:37:45,971 --> 00:37:48,682
I don't know. One of those guys
got the last slot.
886
00:37:48,707 --> 00:37:51,355
What if I come back tonight
just in case someone drops out?
887
00:37:51,506 --> 00:37:53,788
That's a pretty fucking stupid idea.
888
00:37:53,927 --> 00:37:55,767
Okay. Then I'll try again tomorrow.
889
00:37:55,882 --> 00:37:57,634
And the next day,
and the day after that
890
00:37:57,659 --> 00:37:59,285
because I am going to get a slot
891
00:37:59,505 --> 00:38:01,730
and I am going to get back up
on that stage.
892
00:38:01,755 --> 00:38:03,132
Cue the orchestra.
893
00:38:03,157 --> 00:38:06,119
What do I care?
Come back whenever you want.
894
00:38:06,203 --> 00:38:07,422
Let's go, Arch.
895
00:38:07,447 --> 00:38:08,975
Mr. Persistency.
896
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:10,381
This is what Midge wanted.
897
00:38:10,406 --> 00:38:11,742
She wanted me to be a comedian
898
00:38:11,767 --> 00:38:13,475
and I just didn't try hard enough.
899
00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:15,461
So, now, I do this for Midge
900
00:38:15,486 --> 00:38:18,948
because from now on,
she gets everything she wants.
901
00:38:22,222 --> 00:38:23,640
Papa?
902
00:38:33,318 --> 00:38:35,525
- Papa?
- Yes?
903
00:38:37,902 --> 00:38:39,236
What are you doing?
904
00:38:39,324 --> 00:38:41,201
Alphabetizing my books.
905
00:38:41,789 --> 00:38:43,643
Can I talk to you for a moment?
906
00:38:43,687 --> 00:38:45,536
Okay.
907
00:38:45,836 --> 00:38:48,045
Are you... y-you're gonna do it
from there?
908
00:38:48,070 --> 00:38:50,322
I think that's what
we're looking at, yes.
909
00:38:50,424 --> 00:38:52,009
Okay.
910
00:38:52,537 --> 00:38:57,098
Well, I just wanted to tell you
that Joel and I
911
00:38:57,123 --> 00:38:59,038
might be getting back together.
912
00:39:00,643 --> 00:39:02,578
Are you kidding me?
913
00:39:03,838 --> 00:39:06,844
After what you put your mother
and me through,
914
00:39:06,894 --> 00:39:09,809
you have the nerve
to come in here and tell me
915
00:39:09,834 --> 00:39:11,749
you're getting back together?
916
00:39:11,774 --> 00:39:14,062
- I...
- She's not speaking to me.
917
00:39:14,146 --> 00:39:16,391
She took my study. Look at me.
918
00:39:16,531 --> 00:39:19,117
Look at what I have
to do every single day
919
00:39:19,142 --> 00:39:20,976
because you wouldn't
let Joel come back!
920
00:39:21,001 --> 00:39:22,693
- I'm sorry.
- No!
921
00:39:22,718 --> 00:39:25,345
- "No" what?
- No, I forbid it.
922
00:39:25,370 --> 00:39:28,126
You forbid me to get back
together with my husband?
923
00:39:28,151 --> 00:39:30,041
Yes, I forbid it.
924
00:39:30,122 --> 00:39:33,276
You have laid waste to everyone
925
00:39:33,301 --> 00:39:35,311
and everything around you.
926
00:39:35,336 --> 00:39:36,879
It's been like a typhoon.
927
00:39:36,904 --> 00:39:39,641
The Red Cross should start
handing out blankets.
928
00:39:39,666 --> 00:39:41,585
You have ruined everybody's life
929
00:39:41,707 --> 00:39:44,423
and now that there's no more
havoc to wreak,
930
00:39:44,528 --> 00:39:46,208
you want to get back together
931
00:39:46,233 --> 00:39:48,986
and be happy. No.
932
00:39:49,028 --> 00:39:53,199
You don't get to be happy
until I can get to my piano!
933
00:39:53,306 --> 00:39:55,558
Papa, I am so sorry.
934
00:39:55,583 --> 00:39:58,470
I really am. I-I didn't mean
for any of this to happen.
935
00:39:58,495 --> 00:40:00,630
I didn't mean to upset your lives.
936
00:40:00,655 --> 00:40:02,057
Ugh.
937
00:40:02,102 --> 00:40:05,145
I've just missed him so much.
938
00:40:06,226 --> 00:40:08,008
I miss being married.
939
00:40:08,173 --> 00:40:11,212
I miss having someone to laugh with,
940
00:40:11,660 --> 00:40:14,496
someone next to me at night.
941
00:40:15,298 --> 00:40:17,059
Are you sure?
942
00:40:19,298 --> 00:40:21,217
I love him.
943
00:40:21,748 --> 00:40:23,268
Goddamn it!
944
00:40:23,305 --> 00:40:27,476
Goddamn it! Goddamn it! I'm fine.
945
00:40:28,604 --> 00:40:29,964
Oy.
946
00:40:29,989 --> 00:40:33,201
And I thought your teenage years
were a problem.
947
00:40:33,338 --> 00:40:35,376
Well, look on the bright side.
948
00:40:35,584 --> 00:40:36,752
Still might not happen.
949
00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:38,926
Don't tease.
950
00:40:39,010 --> 00:40:43,029
I'm a different person now
than when he left.
951
00:40:43,845 --> 00:40:45,639
He might not like the new me.
952
00:40:47,234 --> 00:40:49,094
People change.
953
00:40:51,124 --> 00:40:54,669
You know who your mother
was when I first met her?
954
00:40:55,364 --> 00:40:59,034
She had just come back from France.
955
00:40:59,182 --> 00:41:02,121
She smoked cigarettes.
956
00:41:02,816 --> 00:41:05,277
She wore a beret.
957
00:41:05,773 --> 00:41:07,573
- She ate.
- Stop.
958
00:41:07,598 --> 00:41:10,781
I once shared an entire
chocolate cake with her.
959
00:41:11,804 --> 00:41:14,275
That was a great night.
960
00:41:14,994 --> 00:41:18,933
But now... she's different.
961
00:41:19,972 --> 00:41:21,349
She changed.
962
00:41:21,374 --> 00:41:23,835
Ah, I'm sure I changed.
963
00:41:23,939 --> 00:41:27,473
I'm not as limber as I once was,
that's for sure.
964
00:41:28,494 --> 00:41:30,646
But I still love her.
965
00:41:31,942 --> 00:41:34,205
Change...
966
00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:37,496
part of marriage.
967
00:41:39,735 --> 00:41:41,571
- If he loves you...
- He does.
968
00:41:41,596 --> 00:41:43,598
If he loves you,
969
00:41:44,249 --> 00:41:46,750
and you can forgive...
970
00:41:49,587 --> 00:41:51,573
ah, who the hell knows?
971
00:41:52,123 --> 00:41:53,970
Just, please...
972
00:41:54,112 --> 00:41:59,684
please, don't tell your mother
unless you're very, very sure.
973
00:41:59,854 --> 00:42:02,190
- Okay.
- Because if I come home
974
00:42:02,332 --> 00:42:05,409
and she's moved me
into the kids' room...
975
00:42:06,186 --> 00:42:08,772
- I'll have to kill you.
- I understand.
976
00:42:08,887 --> 00:42:12,891
I'll feel bad about it,
but it will happen.
977
00:42:20,466 --> 00:42:22,706
- You need a hand?
- No.
978
00:42:22,938 --> 00:42:25,921
Not sure which way I want to go.
979
00:42:27,803 --> 00:42:29,480
If you need me, just holler.
980
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:31,132
Mm-hmm.
981
00:42:31,590 --> 00:42:33,217
Yeah, definitely.
982
00:42:33,242 --> 00:42:34,981
Ha, this is it.
983
00:42:35,006 --> 00:42:37,342
Wow. This place ever new?
984
00:42:37,598 --> 00:42:38,780
Doubt it.
985
00:42:38,883 --> 00:42:40,217
Hey.
986
00:42:40,359 --> 00:42:41,860
Maybe I should take up an instrument.
987
00:42:41,885 --> 00:42:43,633
We could have an act,
take it on the road.
988
00:42:43,658 --> 00:42:45,224
Wait, hear that?
989
00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:48,466
I think that was Imogene
passing out somewhere.
990
00:42:48,967 --> 00:42:50,847
Hey, I'm looking for party albums.
991
00:42:50,872 --> 00:42:53,464
Uh, downstairs, but don't touch
anything without gloves on.
992
00:42:53,489 --> 00:42:55,325
Is that to protect the records or me?
993
00:42:57,093 --> 00:42:58,419
Oy, tough crowd.
994
00:42:58,535 --> 00:43:00,431
- Let's go downstairs.
- Play it again.
995
00:43:00,456 --> 00:43:03,031
- I swear I know her.
- Okay, here you go.
996
00:43:03,109 --> 00:43:04,750
MIDGE : I gave him kids.
997
00:43:04,775 --> 00:43:06,211
A boy and a girl.
998
00:43:06,236 --> 00:43:07,954
And, yes, our little girl
is looking more and more
999
00:43:07,979 --> 00:43:09,680
like Winston Churchill every day.
1000
00:43:09,774 --> 00:43:12,773
- -You know,
with that big Yalta head?
1001
00:43:12,798 --> 00:43:13,932
But that's not a reason
to leave, right?
1002
00:43:13,957 --> 00:43:15,118
That's Barbra Mellon.
1003
00:43:15,143 --> 00:43:17,103
No, it's not. I asked her.
1004
00:43:17,781 --> 00:43:19,184
Walk of shame.
1005
00:43:19,209 --> 00:43:21,899
Walk of shame.
1006
00:43:22,586 --> 00:43:26,006
I loved him and I showed him...
1007
00:43:26,296 --> 00:43:27,745
I love this part.
1008
00:43:27,770 --> 00:43:28,980
All that shit they say
1009
00:43:29,005 --> 00:43:30,783
about Jewish girls in the bedroom?
1010
00:43:30,808 --> 00:43:33,192
Not true. There are French whores
1011
00:43:33,217 --> 00:43:35,325
standing around
the Marais District saying,
1012
00:43:35,799 --> 00:43:37,698
"Did you hear
what Midge did to..."
1013
00:43:37,723 --> 00:43:38,974
What the hell is this?
1014
00:43:38,999 --> 00:43:40,338
It's not for sale.
1015
00:43:46,571 --> 00:43:47,864
Hey.
1016
00:43:53,274 --> 00:43:54,857
- Joel.
- Not now, Archie.
1017
00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:56,103
What the hell was that?
1018
00:43:56,128 --> 00:43:58,839
It's just... I just...
1019
00:44:04,494 --> 00:44:06,896
Belter is located just seven miles
1020
00:44:06,921 --> 00:44:09,006
from the California Institute
of Technology,
1021
00:44:09,031 --> 00:44:12,764
which gives us the opportunity
to recruit the expertise
1022
00:44:12,789 --> 00:44:15,454
at CalTech to overhaul
its current production methods.
1023
00:44:15,496 --> 00:44:17,706
My growing expertise
1024
00:44:17,731 --> 00:44:20,132
in corporate organizational structure,
1025
00:44:20,157 --> 00:44:24,369
coupled with my newfound passion
for-for, uh...
1026
00:44:36,528 --> 00:44:38,112
I quit.
1027
00:44:41,396 --> 00:44:42,872
What?
1028
00:44:50,831 --> 00:44:53,376
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Jesus Christ.
1029
00:44:53,531 --> 00:44:54,991
- Hey, Lenny.
- It's you?
1030
00:44:55,107 --> 00:44:56,660
I'm sorry. They wouldn't
let me in without paying.
1031
00:44:56,685 --> 00:44:58,469
Yes, that's how
a business usually operates.
1032
00:44:58,494 --> 00:44:59,499
Look, I had to talk to you.
1033
00:44:59,524 --> 00:45:01,407
Don't you ever send a message
to anyone saying,
1034
00:45:01,432 --> 00:45:02,456
"Your drug dealer is outside."
1035
00:45:02,481 --> 00:45:04,340
That could go wrong in so many ways.
1036
00:45:04,372 --> 00:45:05,917
- Have you heard about this?
- What?
1037
00:45:05,942 --> 00:45:07,136
Look.
1038
00:45:08,133 --> 00:45:09,301
Sophie Lennon?
1039
00:45:09,326 --> 00:45:10,662
Yes, yes, I heard.
1040
00:45:10,687 --> 00:45:11,813
I rejoiced.
1041
00:45:11,838 --> 00:45:13,035
Sophie Lennon's a hack.
1042
00:45:13,060 --> 00:45:14,263
Plus, she owes me money.
1043
00:45:14,288 --> 00:45:16,215
I wrote some jokes for her.
Never paid me.
1044
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:17,800
Good jokes, too,
but she said her audience
1045
00:45:17,825 --> 00:45:19,412
doesn't know the word "cunnilingus."
1046
00:45:19,437 --> 00:45:20,560
Yeah, well, because of that show,
1047
00:45:20,585 --> 00:45:22,025
Amanda Gleason has been blackballed.
1048
00:45:22,050 --> 00:45:23,277
Who's Amanda Gleason?
1049
00:45:23,302 --> 00:45:24,782
She's the comic who took down Lennon.
1050
00:45:24,807 --> 00:45:26,495
Amanda Gleason is a terrible name.
1051
00:45:26,520 --> 00:45:28,155
I know. She knows. We all know.
1052
00:45:28,180 --> 00:45:29,260
The name's not the problem.
1053
00:45:29,285 --> 00:45:30,714
- What's the problem?
- The problem is
1054
00:45:30,739 --> 00:45:32,678
she's been blackballed.
She can't get a gig anywhere
1055
00:45:32,703 --> 00:45:34,407
and I've been blackballed
along with her.
1056
00:45:34,432 --> 00:45:36,580
- You understand "blackballed"?
- I understand blackballed.
1057
00:45:36,684 --> 00:45:38,244
- So...
- It's terrible.
1058
00:45:38,269 --> 00:45:40,354
What do you want from me?
1059
00:45:40,379 --> 00:45:42,589
I need you to do a show
at the Gaslight.
1060
00:45:42,896 --> 00:45:44,715
I don't do basket houses anymore.
1061
00:45:44,740 --> 00:45:46,054
I wear big boy pants now.
1062
00:45:46,079 --> 00:45:47,845
Just do this as a favor to me?
1063
00:45:47,870 --> 00:45:49,997
For you? I don't owe you anything.
1064
00:45:50,260 --> 00:45:51,700
Now, if you really were my dealer...
1065
00:45:51,725 --> 00:45:53,305
Fine. Don't do it for me.
1066
00:45:53,386 --> 00:45:54,483
Do it for Midge.
1067
00:45:54,508 --> 00:45:56,002
- Midge?
- Yeah.
1068
00:45:56,053 --> 00:45:57,613
Midge.
1069
00:45:58,494 --> 00:46:00,120
Oh, Midge.
1070
00:46:00,902 --> 00:46:02,614
Well, well, well.
1071
00:46:02,962 --> 00:46:05,548
All hail the Upper West Side.
1072
00:46:06,205 --> 00:46:07,521
So?
1073
00:47:01,511 --> 00:47:02,658
You're up next.
1074
00:47:02,683 --> 00:47:04,769
- These are your relatives?
- Mine? No.
1075
00:47:04,831 --> 00:47:07,209
They're definitely not mine.
I don't think.
1076
00:47:07,591 --> 00:47:09,509
Maybe they're the cousins
from Florida or...
1077
00:47:09,751 --> 00:47:11,614
I have some family in Ottawa, but...
1078
00:47:12,106 --> 00:47:14,559
Holy shit, who the hell
are these people?
1079
00:47:14,584 --> 00:47:16,618
- They're chorus boys.
- They're what?
1080
00:47:16,643 --> 00:47:17,786
Chorus boys. Dancers.
1081
00:47:17,811 --> 00:47:19,646
I... what?
1082
00:47:20,138 --> 00:47:21,945
I wanted to make sure there were
great dancers at our wedding,
1083
00:47:21,970 --> 00:47:24,225
so I hired some chorus boys from
Pajama Game to come and dance.
1084
00:47:24,276 --> 00:47:25,734
Two of them did "Steam Heat."
1085
00:47:26,022 --> 00:47:27,732
Notice the great hat work.
1086
00:47:27,854 --> 00:47:30,857
I'm sorry. You hired ringers
to dance at our wedding?
1087
00:47:31,111 --> 00:47:32,489
Yes.
1088
00:47:32,527 --> 00:47:34,487
- Okay, come on.
- Wait, where are we going?
1089
00:47:34,512 --> 00:47:35,679
To find the rabbi.
1090
00:47:35,752 --> 00:47:37,712
I'm marrying you all over again.
1091
00:47:42,011 --> 00:47:43,490
Ooh, that's good.
1092
00:47:43,531 --> 00:47:45,051
Someone should do something with that.
1093
00:47:45,076 --> 00:47:46,994
Keep moving.
1094
00:47:47,389 --> 00:47:50,851
Rabbi, is the chuppah still up?
1095
00:48:35,707 --> 00:48:36,841
All right, ankle.
1096
00:48:36,866 --> 00:48:38,451
Eight.
1097
00:48:38,681 --> 00:48:41,851
Left ankle, eight.
1098
00:48:42,173 --> 00:48:45,502
Right calf, 11.
1099
00:48:45,759 --> 00:48:49,459
Left calf, 11.
1100
00:48:49,783 --> 00:48:52,820
Yeah. Still got it.
1101
00:49:00,786 --> 00:49:01,980
Hello?
1102
00:49:02,005 --> 00:49:04,341
Blue, green... green?
1103
00:49:04,366 --> 00:49:06,882
Not green. Did green. Felt green.
1104
00:49:07,195 --> 00:49:09,406
Oh, red. No. Pink. Crap.
1105
00:49:09,431 --> 00:49:11,668
Take a breath.
Never stress dress, Midge.
1106
00:49:11,693 --> 00:49:13,438
- Never stress dress.
- Miriam?
1107
00:49:17,864 --> 00:49:20,867
I don't suppose you'd like to go
with me to the beauty parlor?
1108
00:49:21,269 --> 00:49:22,977
I'd love to.
1109
00:49:23,016 --> 00:49:24,890
- But, you can't?
- Not right now.
1110
00:49:24,915 --> 00:49:26,750
Well, I wasn't talking about right now.
1111
00:49:26,788 --> 00:49:28,334
- Oh.
- It's night right now.
1112
00:49:28,409 --> 00:49:30,536
- Yes.
- I was talking about some other time.
1113
00:49:30,561 --> 00:49:32,144
Some other time would work.
1114
00:49:33,445 --> 00:49:35,906
So, where are you going?
1115
00:49:39,991 --> 00:49:41,826
You're not gonna tell me, are you?
1116
00:49:43,712 --> 00:49:46,364
Or, if you do,
you're just going to lie.
1117
00:49:50,479 --> 00:49:53,968
So, it's all different now, isn't it?
1118
00:50:00,923 --> 00:50:02,257
Mama.
1119
00:50:06,626 --> 00:50:08,878
I'm still your daughter.
1120
00:50:13,100 --> 00:50:15,770
That dress needs pearls.
1121
00:50:41,272 --> 00:50:42,690
Excuse me, coming through.
1122
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:44,593
Hey. Whoa.
1123
00:50:44,655 --> 00:50:47,055
Seriously, the amount of time
it takes you to get anywhere...
1124
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:48,680
- What's going on here?
- Doesn't matter.
1125
00:50:48,729 --> 00:50:50,186
- You got your book?
- Got the book.
1126
00:50:50,268 --> 00:50:51,849
I need you to be great tonight.
1127
00:50:51,874 --> 00:50:54,168
No pressure, but I need you
to be perfect tonight.
1128
00:50:54,642 --> 00:50:56,477
No pressure, but if ever
there was a night
1129
00:50:56,502 --> 00:50:57,963
that everything in the world
depends on how great
1130
00:50:57,988 --> 00:50:59,600
and perfect you are, it's tonight.
1131
00:50:59,625 --> 00:51:00,978
- No pressure.
- Pressure, yeah, I got it.
1132
00:51:01,003 --> 00:51:02,272
Thanks for taking the pressure off.
1133
00:51:02,297 --> 00:51:04,149
- I thought I wasn't allowed back here.
- You're not.
1134
00:51:04,174 --> 00:51:05,665
I thought you weren't allowed
to give me stage time.
1135
00:51:05,690 --> 00:51:07,273
- I'm not.
- Then what the hell is going...
1136
00:51:07,298 --> 00:51:09,909
Jesus, you giving out free cars
tonight or what?
1137
00:51:09,934 --> 00:51:11,143
This is all for you, asshole.
1138
00:51:11,168 --> 00:51:12,836
Hello, Amanda Gleason.
1139
00:51:12,984 --> 00:51:14,990
What are you doing?
What is going on here?
1140
00:51:15,078 --> 00:51:17,116
I am doing what is unheard of
in this business.
1141
00:51:17,141 --> 00:51:18,351
It's called a very nice thing.
1142
00:51:18,397 --> 00:51:19,731
Oh, well, then, thank you.
1143
00:51:19,756 --> 00:51:21,174
Thank Susie. She set this up.
1144
00:51:21,559 --> 00:51:22,870
Are you going on like that?
1145
00:51:22,895 --> 00:51:25,105
Thank you. What? No.
1146
00:51:25,149 --> 00:51:26,501
Is there gonna be a snowstorm in here?
1147
00:51:26,526 --> 00:51:28,412
- No.
- You keepin' it clean for the Hasids?
1148
00:51:28,437 --> 00:51:30,299
It's coming off. It's coming off.
1149
00:51:41,384 --> 00:51:42,518
Susie...
1150
00:51:42,543 --> 00:51:44,648
She did.
She shoved a paper in my face...
1151
00:51:56,613 --> 00:51:57,679
Okay.
1152
00:51:57,704 --> 00:52:00,505
So, I'm going up there
to do a set, for nothing.
1153
00:52:00,614 --> 00:52:02,987
I'm going to say,
"Hello, blah, blah, blah,"
1154
00:52:03,012 --> 00:52:04,738
and then I'm gonna
hand the mic off to you.
1155
00:52:04,763 --> 00:52:06,610
The only thing I ask... No, demand...
1156
00:52:06,635 --> 00:52:08,837
I am not introducing you
as Amanda Gleason.
1157
00:52:08,862 --> 00:52:10,293
You've got to find a
better fucking name.
1158
00:52:10,318 --> 00:52:12,376
- Way ahead of you.
- Okay. You ready?
1159
00:52:12,448 --> 00:52:14,575
- I...
- Sure you are.
1160
00:52:15,451 --> 00:52:17,163
How did you do this?
1161
00:52:17,381 --> 00:52:19,216
Lots of perverted sex acts.
1162
00:52:19,241 --> 00:52:20,993
I'll have skinned knees for a month.
1163
00:52:22,742 --> 00:52:24,248
Wow.
1164
00:52:24,645 --> 00:52:25,929
Good look?
1165
00:52:25,954 --> 00:52:27,384
The look.
1166
00:52:27,409 --> 00:52:29,022
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
1167
00:52:29,047 --> 00:52:31,301
I can't believe these words
are coming out of my mouth,
1168
00:52:31,326 --> 00:52:32,734
but here I go.
1169
00:52:32,759 --> 00:52:35,653
Welcome to the stage, Lenny Bruce!
1170
00:52:46,532 --> 00:52:47,726
Good evening,
1171
00:52:47,751 --> 00:52:49,837
ladies, gentlemen,
1172
00:52:50,139 --> 00:52:51,567
and all the undecided.
1173
00:52:52,743 --> 00:52:54,120
I'm your host for the evening.
1174
00:52:54,248 --> 00:52:56,542
Now, I have promised the powers that be
1175
00:52:56,567 --> 00:52:59,278
that I will perform
my little dog and pony show
1176
00:52:59,303 --> 00:53:01,305
for all you fine people, but,
1177
00:53:01,330 --> 00:53:03,678
before I do, I have a favor to ask.
1178
00:53:04,033 --> 00:53:07,319
I have a friend who's been going
through some of the same shit
1179
00:53:07,344 --> 00:53:08,929
that I've gone through lately,
1180
00:53:08,954 --> 00:53:10,813
and I don't want to get on a rant here,
1181
00:53:10,838 --> 00:53:12,423
but Stalin would be very proud.
1182
00:53:13,957 --> 00:53:16,485
So, indulge me, because
1183
00:53:16,510 --> 00:53:18,498
I think she's going to be very big
1184
00:53:18,523 --> 00:53:21,158
and she's a hell of a lot
easier on the eyes than I am.
1185
00:53:21,183 --> 00:53:23,757
Please welcome to the stage,
a very classy lady,
1186
00:53:24,011 --> 00:53:25,959
my friend...
1187
00:53:25,990 --> 00:53:28,826
I'm actually gonna let her
introduce herself to you.
1188
00:53:28,851 --> 00:53:30,620
Okay. Get up here.
1189
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:33,743
Susie...
1190
00:53:33,768 --> 00:53:35,937
Go show 'em how it's done.
1191
00:53:36,583 --> 00:53:38,965
All right, yeah!
1192
00:53:39,290 --> 00:53:41,709
Thank you. Hi!
1193
00:53:41,771 --> 00:53:43,397
Thank you.
1194
00:53:43,422 --> 00:53:45,422
Wow, so nice, considering
you thought you were here
1195
00:53:45,447 --> 00:53:47,276
to see Lenny Bruce, and instead,
you have to listen to me
1196
00:53:47,301 --> 00:53:48,751
for a while.
1197
00:53:48,964 --> 00:53:52,342
I promise to insult the Pope
and read you my court documents
1198
00:53:52,367 --> 00:53:54,744
before the evening is over.
1199
00:53:54,796 --> 00:53:59,050
So, let's see, what can I talk about?
1200
00:53:59,199 --> 00:54:01,284
Going through a pretty dull time
in my life.
1201
00:54:01,826 --> 00:54:05,658
Oh! My husband's girlfriend
attacked me at work yesterday.
1202
00:54:05,683 --> 00:54:08,924
- -You know
what that's like, huh, ladies?
1203
00:54:09,055 --> 00:54:11,516
Really? No one?
1204
00:54:11,584 --> 00:54:13,712
Oh, good, then you'll love this.
1205
00:54:13,737 --> 00:54:16,806
So, my husband left me three months ago
1206
00:54:16,831 --> 00:54:18,591
for his teenage secretary.
1207
00:54:18,616 --> 00:54:21,118
However, the other night
he came home...
1208
00:54:21,143 --> 00:54:22,937
for some clean underwear and a fuck.
1209
00:54:25,035 --> 00:54:26,411
Actually, just for the underwear.
1210
00:54:26,436 --> 00:54:28,120
I threw in the fuck for free.
1211
00:54:28,596 --> 00:54:32,065
Anyhow, Lolita found out
and, boy, was she steamed.
1212
00:54:32,143 --> 00:54:35,063
She couldn't believe I'd have the nerve
1213
00:54:35,144 --> 00:54:37,480
to sleep with my husband.
1214
00:54:37,789 --> 00:54:39,114
She thought that was mean.
1215
00:54:39,139 --> 00:54:41,694
And vindictive. And she has a point.
1216
00:54:41,746 --> 00:54:44,575
After all, she has a teddy bear
he won for her at Coney Island.
1217
00:54:45,079 --> 00:54:47,355
All I've got is a wedding ring
1218
00:54:47,405 --> 00:54:49,115
and two kids who called him "Daddy."
1219
00:54:49,838 --> 00:54:52,097
Who cares if I was there first,
this girl
1220
00:54:52,122 --> 00:54:54,237
put a lot of work into luring him away.
1221
00:54:54,262 --> 00:54:55,972
I mean, she had to...
1222
00:54:56,059 --> 00:55:00,105
have a vagina.
1223
00:55:00,266 --> 00:55:03,536
Pretty low bar. But pretty high vagina.
1224
00:55:03,578 --> 00:55:04,954
She's tall.
1225
00:55:04,979 --> 00:55:07,773
And dumb. I mean, she's pretty,
1226
00:55:07,798 --> 00:55:09,235
but I'm pretty sure
NASA doesn't have her
1227
00:55:09,260 --> 00:55:10,785
on its short list for job openings.
1228
00:55:10,918 --> 00:55:14,129
Anyhow, yesterday she drags
her giant vagina into my work
1229
00:55:14,338 --> 00:55:15,714
and starts yelling at me.
1230
00:55:15,739 --> 00:55:18,033
And after a while,
I start yelling back.
1231
00:55:18,112 --> 00:55:19,613
And she's saying, "You stole him,"
1232
00:55:19,649 --> 00:55:21,067
and I'm saying, "I was there first."
1233
00:55:21,092 --> 00:55:22,593
And she says, "I was there second,"
1234
00:55:22,618 --> 00:55:24,243
and I say, "That's a very
immature argument,"
1235
00:55:24,268 --> 00:55:26,079
and she says, "Do you want to
buy some Girl Scout cookies?"
1236
00:55:26,104 --> 00:55:27,732
And I say, "No,"
and she says, "You're sure?"
1237
00:55:27,757 --> 00:55:29,047
And I say,
"Do you have vanilla creams?"
1238
00:55:29,072 --> 00:55:30,908
And she says, "No,"
and I said, "You bitch!"
1239
00:55:33,821 --> 00:55:35,143
And everyone in the store is staring,
1240
00:55:35,168 --> 00:55:38,171
and I'm starting to wonder,
who's right here?
1241
00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:41,021
I mean, was it really fair
to lure Joel back
1242
00:55:41,046 --> 00:55:42,756
with the promise of
coherent conversation
1243
00:55:42,781 --> 00:55:44,617
and unlimited clean jockey shorts?
1244
00:55:44,642 --> 00:55:46,436
I just assumed I had that right.
1245
00:55:46,461 --> 00:55:50,007
I really thought you find a guy,
you give it up, you get married.
1246
00:55:50,285 --> 00:55:52,621
Oh, no, wait. You get married,
then you give it up.
1247
00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:55,185
Get married, then give it up.
I got to write that down.
1248
00:55:55,212 --> 00:55:58,549
Anyhow, my point is,
with the ring came the sex.
1249
00:55:58,574 --> 00:56:00,058
Exclusive sex.
1250
00:56:00,083 --> 00:56:02,085
Right? Something to count on.
1251
00:56:02,291 --> 00:56:04,252
Something you know is yours.
1252
00:56:04,406 --> 00:56:07,400
Like a social security number
1253
00:56:07,810 --> 00:56:10,563
or a family history of insanity.
1254
00:56:11,783 --> 00:56:13,320
But apparently, it's not.
1255
00:56:13,345 --> 00:56:15,306
He left. She took him.
1256
00:56:15,382 --> 00:56:18,302
Did I relinquish my rights
when he walked out the door?
1257
00:56:18,358 --> 00:56:19,705
Is that how it works?
1258
00:56:19,730 --> 00:56:21,523
Now, did it always work that way
1259
00:56:21,548 --> 00:56:23,425
and I just didn't read the fine print?
1260
00:56:23,608 --> 00:56:25,193
What are the fucking rules?
1261
00:56:25,218 --> 00:56:28,263
I mean, not the fucking rules,
the "fucking" rules.
1262
00:56:28,388 --> 00:56:30,306
Who gets first "fucking" rights?
1263
00:56:30,513 --> 00:56:31,850
Hey.
1264
00:56:31,875 --> 00:56:33,335
Is it first come, first serve?
1265
00:56:33,620 --> 00:56:35,154
- Finders keepers...
- Hey!
1266
00:56:35,179 --> 00:56:36,858
- ...losers eventually go blind?
- How did you get in
1267
00:56:36,883 --> 00:56:39,630
- without paying?
- So, this is you, huh?
1268
00:56:39,705 --> 00:56:41,958
- What?
- That!
1269
00:56:42,492 --> 00:56:44,060
You got her into this, right?
1270
00:56:44,085 --> 00:56:45,712
Got her to go up there like that?
1271
00:56:45,737 --> 00:56:48,254
Got her to stand up there
and talk about our life.
1272
00:56:48,389 --> 00:56:50,602
- Hey, she says what she wants.
- Talk about me.
1273
00:56:50,627 --> 00:56:52,129
She must just find you amusing.
1274
00:56:52,154 --> 00:56:54,004
I know I find you
completely ridiculous.
1275
00:56:54,029 --> 00:56:55,630
You don't give a shit
what you're doing.
1276
00:56:55,655 --> 00:56:56,763
I'm not doing anything.
1277
00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:58,875
You're breaking up a family!
1278
00:56:59,480 --> 00:57:01,315
That's the mother
of my children up there
1279
00:57:01,340 --> 00:57:03,768
talking trash about me in front
of a bunch of strangers.
1280
00:57:03,843 --> 00:57:05,674
Well, you got to admit, it's
better than her talking trash
1281
00:57:05,699 --> 00:57:07,619
about you in front of a bunch
of people you know.
1282
00:57:07,644 --> 00:57:08,995
Are you happy?
1283
00:57:09,020 --> 00:57:10,485
Are you happy
that you've ruined my life?
1284
00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,686
Hey, I didn't fuck my secretary.
That was you!
1285
00:57:12,711 --> 00:57:14,271
You don't know anything about me.
1286
00:57:14,296 --> 00:57:16,055
Oh, buddy, I know
so much more than you think.
1287
00:57:16,080 --> 00:57:17,508
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
1288
00:57:17,533 --> 00:57:20,494
You are ripped right out of
a bullshit male catalogue.
1289
00:57:20,629 --> 00:57:22,881
King of the mansion, spoiled brat.
1290
00:57:22,906 --> 00:57:24,973
Who do you go home to, huh?
1291
00:57:24,998 --> 00:57:26,625
What do you know about having a family?
1292
00:57:26,650 --> 00:57:28,718
Nothing! And thank God.
1293
00:57:28,743 --> 00:57:31,288
'Cause if I had to go home to
you, I'd set the house on fire.
1294
00:57:31,313 --> 00:57:33,482
- Fuck you!
- No, fuck you, Sal Mineo!
1295
00:57:33,507 --> 00:57:35,050
Get the hell away from me.
1296
00:57:35,075 --> 00:57:37,106
Midge has a path now, a career.
1297
00:57:37,131 --> 00:57:39,717
And she's gonna be a star and
you are just gonna be that guy
1298
00:57:39,742 --> 00:57:41,529
sitting at some loser bar every night
1299
00:57:41,554 --> 00:57:43,139
pointing to the television set saying,
1300
00:57:43,187 --> 00:57:45,440
"I used to be married to her,
but I fucking blew it!"
1301
00:57:45,574 --> 00:57:47,243
Wing it.
1302
00:57:47,268 --> 00:57:49,450
And how come men seem to get
a completely different
1303
00:57:49,475 --> 00:57:51,060
- set of rules to follow?
- Hey!
1304
00:57:51,297 --> 00:57:54,175
Hey, go home and clean the kitchen!
1305
00:57:54,290 --> 00:57:55,795
Oh, sir, I'm Jewish.
1306
00:57:55,820 --> 00:57:58,615
I pay people to do that.
1307
00:57:58,892 --> 00:58:00,519
Women aren't funny.
1308
00:58:00,544 --> 00:58:02,379
Your wife must have a sense of humor.
1309
00:58:02,452 --> 00:58:03,828
She's seen you naked.
1310
00:58:05,876 --> 00:58:07,854
I'm sorry.
I thought we were truth telling.
1311
00:58:07,879 --> 00:58:09,211
You're a dumb bitch.
1312
00:58:09,236 --> 00:58:13,449
Oh, who told you?
1313
00:58:15,464 --> 00:58:18,801
What can I say? All the good men
are taken, ladies.
1314
00:58:22,979 --> 00:58:24,628
Now, where were we?
1315
00:58:28,647 --> 00:58:30,607
Uptown or downtown, boys?
Where are we goin'?
1316
00:58:30,738 --> 00:58:32,842
Hey, asshole!
1317
00:58:32,867 --> 00:58:34,945
Oh, so you answer to asshole, asshole?
1318
00:58:34,970 --> 00:58:36,847
What's your problem?
1319
00:58:38,241 --> 00:58:39,367
Whoa, hey! Hey!
1320
00:58:39,489 --> 00:58:41,754
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Get off!
1321
00:58:42,187 --> 00:58:44,055
- Come on!
- What the hell are you doing?
1322
00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:45,506
Hey, buddy,
you're gonna kill him.
1323
00:58:45,531 --> 00:58:47,285
Get out of here!
1324
00:58:50,111 --> 00:58:52,733
- Are you crazy?!
- Come on.
1325
00:58:53,371 --> 00:58:54,786
She's good!
1326
00:58:55,138 --> 00:58:57,052
She's fucking good!
1327
00:58:57,748 --> 00:58:59,291
Hey, get out of here!
1328
00:58:59,395 --> 00:59:01,063
Keep walking.
1329
00:59:04,519 --> 00:59:06,549
She's good.
1330
00:59:09,653 --> 00:59:11,363
She's good.
1331
00:59:16,327 --> 00:59:18,308
But if we didn't have
our husbands,
1332
00:59:18,337 --> 00:59:20,840
what would we have to talk about?
1333
00:59:21,021 --> 00:59:23,177
You have been a great audience,
ladies and gentlemen.
1334
00:59:23,202 --> 00:59:24,437
That's it for me.
1335
00:59:24,462 --> 00:59:26,255
My name is Mrs. Maisel.
1336
00:59:26,280 --> 00:59:28,260
Thank you and good night!
1337
00:59:35,083 --> 00:59:40,083
synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
96292
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