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1
00:00:05,919 --> 00:00:09,757
Mama? Esther's in a clean diaper
and Ethan is fed.
2
00:00:09,798 --> 00:00:11,467
I'll be home around 5:00.
3
00:00:11,508 --> 00:00:13,469
Oh, man.
4
00:00:13,510 --> 00:00:14,928
Mama?
5
00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:16,650
Well, you're not pulling hard enough.
6
00:00:16,691 --> 00:00:18,371
Half on the floor, half on the carpet.
7
00:00:18,395 --> 00:00:20,309
- Lift, then, lift.
- What happened here?
8
00:00:20,351 --> 00:00:22,740
Oh. Well, Zelda must've moved
the beds together to clean
9
00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:23,966
and never pulled them apart.
10
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:26,000
- I'll talk to her.
- It's not like her.
11
00:00:26,025 --> 00:00:27,333
It's definitely not like her.
12
00:00:27,358 --> 00:00:28,698
Well, I'm off.
13
00:00:28,815 --> 00:00:30,567
His first big day at Bell Labs.
14
00:00:30,592 --> 00:00:31,761
Have fun, Papa.
15
00:00:31,786 --> 00:00:33,426
It's not about fun.
It's about the future.
16
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,368
And I'm going to take a shower, hmm.
17
00:00:35,587 --> 00:00:37,445
I'll be home the same time
tonight, Rose.
18
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:39,462
Okay. Have a nice day.
19
00:00:41,238 --> 00:00:43,699
So, this morning,
I witnessed the aftermath
20
00:00:43,741 --> 00:00:45,659
of my parents' sex night.
21
00:00:46,333 --> 00:00:49,681
I caught them pulling
the twin beds back apart.
22
00:00:49,706 --> 00:00:51,333
And, you know,
I heard that scraping noise
23
00:00:51,357 --> 00:00:53,077
in the middle of the night
when I was a kid,
24
00:00:53,102 --> 00:00:54,902
and I was scared to death
that it was a ghost.
25
00:00:54,926 --> 00:00:57,624
So, thanks for the memories,
Mom and Dad.
26
00:00:59,095 --> 00:01:00,696
I always thought it was a ghost,
27
00:01:00,721 --> 00:01:03,268
but now I know it was something
much scarier:
28
00:01:03,417 --> 00:01:05,002
My parents' sex life.
29
00:01:05,044 --> 00:01:06,712
Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.
30
00:01:07,798 --> 00:01:11,681
But now I know it was something
much scarier than a ghost.
31
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,296
It was my parents' sex life.
32
00:01:14,321 --> 00:01:16,573
No, for years, I'd-I'd
embarrass myself at Halloween
33
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,621
because the other kids
would be making ghost noises
34
00:01:18,645 --> 00:01:20,930
like, "Ooh, ooh!"
35
00:01:21,024 --> 00:01:24,653
And I'd be going...
36
00:01:28,358 --> 00:01:31,724
Mommy, why is that man's pants lumpy?
37
00:01:32,511 --> 00:01:34,663
Question that really
needs to be asked is
38
00:01:34,688 --> 00:01:38,400
why is my son looking
at lumps in men's pants?
39
00:01:38,663 --> 00:01:40,662
A little boy is only
three and a half feet tall,
40
00:01:40,687 --> 00:01:42,645
so all the time he's waiting
for Mommy to answer,
41
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:45,460
he's stuck there at lump level.
42
00:01:45,529 --> 00:01:47,656
Train stops, he's bumping up
against the thing.
43
00:01:47,681 --> 00:01:49,307
Oh, a little boy
44
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,426
bumping up against an erection
crossed a line?
45
00:01:51,451 --> 00:01:52,778
Okay.
46
00:01:52,803 --> 00:01:54,764
It was a test. You passed.
47
00:01:54,789 --> 00:01:56,541
Uncomfortable, right?
48
00:01:56,692 --> 00:01:58,771
But the good thing about kids is
that when they ask a question,
49
00:01:58,795 --> 00:02:00,547
they don't really listen to the answer.
50
00:02:00,664 --> 00:02:02,624
So, when my son asks something
uncomfortable like,
51
00:02:02,889 --> 00:02:05,159
"Why doesn't Daddy live here anymore?"
52
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:08,386
I just say, "Yes. Howdy Doody
is a real boy."
53
00:02:13,617 --> 00:02:16,161
Thank you. Please come again.
54
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:18,121
Good afternoon. How may I help you?
55
00:02:18,196 --> 00:02:20,879
Yes, I want something that'll
make my wife look like...
56
00:02:20,904 --> 00:02:22,739
...Elizabeth Taylor.
57
00:02:22,812 --> 00:02:24,981
So, I pointed him
to the sunglass department.
58
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,856
...Elizabeth Taylor.
59
00:02:27,936 --> 00:02:31,069
And I wanted to say to him,
"Sir, look in a mirror.
60
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:33,732
"Would someone who looks like
Elizabeth Taylor come home
61
00:02:33,757 --> 00:02:35,503
to someone who looks like you?"
62
00:02:36,595 --> 00:02:38,097
...Elizabeth Taylor.
63
00:02:38,298 --> 00:02:40,258
I wanted to say to him,
"I hope she's out shopping
64
00:02:40,282 --> 00:02:42,827
for something that makes you
look like Rock Hudson."
65
00:02:44,241 --> 00:02:46,186
...Elizabeth Taylor.
66
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,360
So, I asked for all the money
in his wallet and said,
67
00:02:48,384 --> 00:02:49,824
"There. Now at least it'll feel like
68
00:02:49,849 --> 00:02:51,289
you're married to Elizabeth Taylor."
69
00:03:02,244 --> 00:03:03,815
You have a tight ten.
70
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,508
I mean, you are a woman
with a tight ten.
71
00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:06,723
I'm getting cheesecake.
72
00:03:06,748 --> 00:03:08,308
People were peeing their pants tonight.
73
00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:09,693
We're gonna need to buy a new mop.
74
00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:11,564
Couldn't even hear myself
over the laughs.
75
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,258
I timed you tonight.
76
00:03:13,283 --> 00:03:15,225
With laughs, it came
to just over 11 minutes.
77
00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:16,620
You have a tight 11.
78
00:03:16,645 --> 00:03:18,459
I'm a tenth of the way
to my second tight ten.
79
00:03:18,484 --> 00:03:20,765
Most comics take years to work
up those first ten minutes.
80
00:03:20,789 --> 00:03:22,940
- You did it in months.
- Feels like years.
81
00:03:23,515 --> 00:03:25,046
You're really good.
82
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:26,750
Ah, gee, thanks.
83
00:03:26,820 --> 00:03:28,697
No, Miriam, I mean...
84
00:03:29,698 --> 00:03:31,481
you're really good.
85
00:03:32,517 --> 00:03:34,452
Do not make me cry at the Stage Deli.
86
00:03:34,477 --> 00:03:36,810
- I don't want you to fucking cry.
- You're starting to cry.
87
00:03:36,834 --> 00:03:38,395
- I'm not starting to cry.
- You are, too,
88
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,213
starting to cry and
that's gonna make me cry.
89
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:41,948
Shit, there's, like, water on my face.
90
00:03:41,973 --> 00:03:43,433
Those are tears.
91
00:03:43,458 --> 00:03:45,276
What does this look like?
You got a mirror?
92
00:03:45,301 --> 00:03:47,804
You look kind of wet and out of focus,
93
00:03:47,829 --> 00:03:49,483
like-like a Doris Day picture.
94
00:03:49,508 --> 00:03:50,551
Christ.
95
00:03:50,576 --> 00:03:51,786
Give me a napkin.
96
00:03:53,728 --> 00:03:55,548
People are looking.
97
00:03:56,340 --> 00:03:57,591
Stop looking at me!
98
00:03:57,645 --> 00:03:59,210
- Susie.
- Get back to your kippers!
99
00:03:59,235 --> 00:04:01,821
Let's just eat. They'll stop looking.
100
00:04:02,023 --> 00:04:03,942
- Check, please.
- Check.
101
00:04:04,367 --> 00:04:05,974
So, you know what this means, right?
102
00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:07,517
No, what's it mean?
103
00:04:07,559 --> 00:04:09,186
It's time to leave the nest.
104
00:04:09,228 --> 00:04:10,601
You mean tour? I can't tour.
105
00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:13,046
Mm, you're not ready to tour...
I'm just talking about gigs
106
00:04:13,071 --> 00:04:15,198
at other clubs in the city,
wherever I can book you.
107
00:04:15,234 --> 00:04:17,594
Different venues, different
audiences... it's the next step.
108
00:04:17,618 --> 00:04:19,525
Y-You got to leave
the Gaslight sometime.
109
00:04:19,552 --> 00:04:21,281
But I like the Gaslight.
110
00:04:21,323 --> 00:04:23,893
- I know you do.
- It feels like home.
111
00:04:23,976 --> 00:04:26,437
It'll still be there after
we kick big-time comedy ass
112
00:04:26,586 --> 00:04:28,238
across all five boroughs.
113
00:04:29,098 --> 00:04:32,288
Okay. Let's kick
some big-time comedy ass
114
00:04:32,313 --> 00:04:33,639
across all five boroughs.
115
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,732
I'm making some calls tonight.
116
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,478
And when I say five boroughs...
117
00:04:37,667 --> 00:04:39,246
I don't mean Staten Island or Queens.
118
00:04:39,271 --> 00:04:40,981
- Right.
- Or the Bronx.
119
00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:42,874
Not so much Brooklyn.
120
00:04:42,899 --> 00:04:44,780
- Just Manhattan.
- I got the gist.
121
00:04:46,943 --> 00:04:48,803
Can I have a fry?
122
00:04:52,675 --> 00:04:54,769
What a day, what a day!
123
00:04:54,848 --> 00:04:56,583
Shirley, was this not a great day?
124
00:04:56,608 --> 00:04:58,168
It was a hell of a day.
125
00:04:58,192 --> 00:05:01,160
Joely, my boy, I want you
to know I'm very proud of you.
126
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,385
The way you stood up
in front of all those people...
127
00:05:03,410 --> 00:05:05,395
You didn't sweat, you didn't stumble.
128
00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:08,158
Every single person
in the place was impressed.
129
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:10,505
- Thanks, Pop.
- You know, you get one chance
130
00:05:10,530 --> 00:05:12,918
to throw a bar mitzvah,
so you got to get it right.
131
00:05:12,965 --> 00:05:15,886
And boy, oh, boy, did we get it right!
132
00:05:16,073 --> 00:05:18,012
How'd you like the size
of that hall, huh?
133
00:05:18,037 --> 00:05:20,774
And the turnout... 200 people RSVP,
134
00:05:20,799 --> 00:05:22,551
200 people show.
135
00:05:22,592 --> 00:05:24,572
This is a big day!
136
00:05:24,597 --> 00:05:26,013
It's a hell of a day!
137
00:05:26,054 --> 00:05:28,271
- Watch your mouth!
- And a great leap forward
138
00:05:28,296 --> 00:05:29,756
for the family.
139
00:05:29,781 --> 00:05:32,584
My God, boy, just a few years ago
140
00:05:32,751 --> 00:05:35,618
the Maisels were lugging
pushcarts in shtetls.
141
00:05:35,658 --> 00:05:37,065
And look at us now...
142
00:05:37,107 --> 00:05:39,666
On the verge of opening
our first factory,
143
00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:42,645
hosting events
that people clamor to come to...
144
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,781
Important people!
145
00:05:45,022 --> 00:05:46,398
Go ahead.
146
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,369
Tack the picture up
on the headboard there.
147
00:05:49,532 --> 00:05:52,283
Did you see the looks on people's faces
148
00:05:52,334 --> 00:05:55,379
when I told them that your
cousin, Sergeant Meyer Schultz,
149
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:58,703
piloted the plane
that struck that Jap battleship
150
00:05:58,837 --> 00:06:01,009
three days after Pearl Harbor?!
151
00:06:01,095 --> 00:06:02,635
Ah! They couldn't believe it.
152
00:06:02,678 --> 00:06:05,294
- He's a hero.
- You bet he's a hero.
153
00:06:05,608 --> 00:06:07,986
And now, Joely,
I'm gonna come clean with you,
154
00:06:08,052 --> 00:06:10,638
'cause you're 13 and you're a man now.
155
00:06:11,193 --> 00:06:12,517
He's not your cousin.
156
00:06:12,559 --> 00:06:14,561
- He's not?
- No, he was our paperboy,
157
00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,605
and just this side of idiot.
158
00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,433
See, it's all part
of the big picture...
159
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:21,170
The hall, the lavish buffet,
the fake cousin.
160
00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:23,717
It's very important
that you show people
161
00:06:23,742 --> 00:06:25,248
you're bigger and better than them.
162
00:06:25,273 --> 00:06:28,234
Because if they think it,
then you'll be it.
163
00:06:28,289 --> 00:06:30,916
That's how you get ahead in
the world, become a conqueror.
164
00:06:31,105 --> 00:06:32,982
- Yes, sir.
- I want everyone to know
165
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:34,967
that you, Joel Maisel, are a conqueror.
166
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:37,395
And today, in that temple,
in that banquet hall,
167
00:06:37,584 --> 00:06:39,503
they learned.
168
00:06:39,663 --> 00:06:42,125
And now... we got to pay for it.
169
00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:44,216
You understand?
170
00:06:46,166 --> 00:06:48,213
I could've just gone down the street,
171
00:06:48,399 --> 00:06:50,960
thrown your bar mitzvah
in the room in the back
172
00:06:50,985 --> 00:06:52,891
of your uncle's bowling alley.
173
00:06:53,178 --> 00:06:54,724
We would've gotten it for free.
174
00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,960
Free's good. We like free.
175
00:06:57,498 --> 00:07:00,565
But then, everyone who came
to that bowling alley,
176
00:07:00,858 --> 00:07:04,710
with its stench of beer
and piss and lane oil,
177
00:07:04,916 --> 00:07:07,155
they would have known
we got it for free,
178
00:07:07,197 --> 00:07:09,508
and that is not acceptable.
179
00:07:09,798 --> 00:07:12,363
No. Today these people walked in
180
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,447
thinking their Saturday's been ruined
181
00:07:14,472 --> 00:07:16,358
by another stupid bar mitzvah,
182
00:07:16,404 --> 00:07:19,490
but they walked out thinking:
The Maisels...
183
00:07:19,943 --> 00:07:22,280
are really going to be something.
184
00:07:29,228 --> 00:07:31,096
It's Mommy rooster.
185
00:07:31,138 --> 00:07:33,030
Rise and shine, Joely.
186
00:07:33,055 --> 00:07:34,766
It's 7:00 in the a.m.
187
00:07:34,808 --> 00:07:36,268
- Good morning, Ma.
- Look at that.
188
00:07:36,309 --> 00:07:38,715
Another gorgeous sunshiny day.
189
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:41,606
- You should ride your bike.
- I don't ride bikes anymore, Ma.
190
00:07:41,648 --> 00:07:43,442
Wear a hat. You'll get a sunstroke.
191
00:07:43,483 --> 00:07:44,865
I'm not riding a bike, Ma.
192
00:07:44,890 --> 00:07:47,330
Oh, it's been so nice
having my boychik home.
193
00:07:47,355 --> 00:07:49,307
Oh, I'll get
your father's boxes out of here.
194
00:07:49,332 --> 00:07:51,412
- And the sewing machine, too.
- It's just temporary.
195
00:07:51,436 --> 00:07:53,355
Sure, temporary, temporary.
196
00:07:53,388 --> 00:07:55,120
Ooh. I'm doing a load of whites.
197
00:07:55,162 --> 00:07:56,685
Give me everything you got.
198
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,056
- All your poo-poo undies.
- You don't have to.
199
00:07:59,236 --> 00:08:00,782
Is this a girl's suitcase?
200
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:02,809
Ma, please.
I need to get ready for work.
201
00:08:02,870 --> 00:08:06,089
Of course. I'll make you
a plate of yummy eggs.
202
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,404
Would you like that?
203
00:08:07,429 --> 00:08:09,364
Sure. Make me a plate of yummy eggs.
204
00:08:09,437 --> 00:08:10,997
Now, don't bother looking under the bed
205
00:08:11,021 --> 00:08:12,865
for the magazines you left
when you moved out.
206
00:08:12,890 --> 00:08:14,850
I found them and threw them out.
207
00:08:14,893 --> 00:08:16,160
Bad boy.
208
00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:18,103
I don't want the magazines, Ma.
209
00:08:18,128 --> 00:08:20,213
Eggs'll be ready in a jiff.
210
00:08:48,314 --> 00:08:49,816
East Coast is exactly where we want.
211
00:08:49,884 --> 00:08:52,819
But the West Coast operation
is in disarray, and they say
212
00:08:52,844 --> 00:08:54,933
- it's all due to supply.
- The chain is gridlocked,
213
00:08:54,958 --> 00:08:56,798
and it's not seasonal anymore,
it's year-round.
214
00:08:56,823 --> 00:08:57,958
Dow Chemical's scrambling
215
00:08:57,982 --> 00:08:59,698
for supplies themselves...
Phenolic resin,
216
00:08:59,723 --> 00:09:01,243
formaldehyde... They can't get enough.
217
00:09:01,267 --> 00:09:04,358
Just pour some formaldehyde on
a rag and hold it over my face.
218
00:09:04,383 --> 00:09:06,552
Their chief scientists say there
are breakthroughs within sight,
219
00:09:06,576 --> 00:09:07,718
but that's all they'll say.
220
00:09:07,743 --> 00:09:09,669
"Within sight"? That's nice and vague.
221
00:09:09,694 --> 00:09:12,239
- Any suggestions?
- There's nothing to do, boss,
222
00:09:12,264 --> 00:09:13,744
except get in line and wait our turn.
223
00:09:13,768 --> 00:09:15,601
And hope we don't
go out of business first.
224
00:09:16,278 --> 00:09:18,196
Excuse me?
225
00:09:19,010 --> 00:09:20,571
We can't just wait.
226
00:09:20,596 --> 00:09:22,123
Everything'll come to a complete stop.
227
00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:24,000
What do you suggest, Maisel?
228
00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:26,461
Let's acquire the supply.
229
00:09:26,856 --> 00:09:28,441
What was that?
230
00:09:30,064 --> 00:09:31,758
We can't control
our supply of chemicals
231
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,483
if we can't control the supplier.
232
00:09:33,575 --> 00:09:36,236
So... let's become the supplier.
233
00:09:36,261 --> 00:09:38,786
And how would that work?
We buy Union Carbide?
234
00:09:38,811 --> 00:09:40,850
We start small, Curtis.
235
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,910
We acquire a local lab.
236
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,242
We dig through universities for talent.
237
00:09:45,489 --> 00:09:46,993
We got a few of those in New York.
238
00:09:47,018 --> 00:09:48,881
- A few.
- We hire our own technicians,
239
00:09:48,906 --> 00:09:50,208
our own scientists.
240
00:09:50,318 --> 00:09:52,946
We build our own chain
and become our own suppliers.
241
00:09:52,988 --> 00:09:54,424
They turn chemicals into plastic,
242
00:09:54,449 --> 00:09:56,850
and we turn plastic
into toys and coasters.
243
00:09:57,170 --> 00:10:00,120
Hell, let's make the chemicals, too.
244
00:10:00,694 --> 00:10:04,532
Life magazine says
conglomerates are the future.
245
00:10:04,974 --> 00:10:06,642
Francis, call Chase Manhattan.
246
00:10:06,667 --> 00:10:08,363
Let's take some baby steps.
247
00:10:08,388 --> 00:10:10,807
Set up a line of credit,
see what's out there.
248
00:10:10,832 --> 00:10:13,209
And we need to call the
West Coast, give 'em a heads-up.
249
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:14,914
- Curtis, give 'em a buzz.
- Will do, boss.
250
00:10:14,938 --> 00:10:16,717
We should send the CFO out there, too.
251
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:18,382
As soon as possible.
Now, what else, guys?
252
00:10:18,424 --> 00:10:19,984
Just a couple of personnel things.
253
00:10:20,008 --> 00:10:22,453
Can you believe
our babies are turning four?
254
00:10:22,478 --> 00:10:24,574
- They just turned three.
- They'll be in school
255
00:10:24,599 --> 00:10:25,975
before you know it, then college,
256
00:10:26,017 --> 00:10:27,522
then marriage, they'll have babies,
257
00:10:27,564 --> 00:10:29,441
become grandparents...
We'll be dead by then.
258
00:10:29,578 --> 00:10:30,997
- Yay.
- Sorry.
259
00:10:31,022 --> 00:10:33,253
Wait. You put marbles in here.
I'm doing marbles.
260
00:10:33,278 --> 00:10:34,957
- I thought you were doing gum.
- And you're putting
261
00:10:34,981 --> 00:10:36,691
Tiny Tina baby carriages
in the boys' bags.
262
00:10:36,716 --> 00:10:38,847
Oh, I told you, we should get
gender-specific bags.
263
00:10:39,301 --> 00:10:41,511
- Too much chatter.
- Sorry, Papa.
264
00:10:41,536 --> 00:10:44,623
- And what is all this?
- It's for Ethan's birthday party.
265
00:10:44,739 --> 00:10:46,859
- This is too much for him.
- This is for the kids
266
00:10:46,884 --> 00:10:49,154
- who come to the party.
- It's all their birthdays?
267
00:10:49,179 --> 00:10:51,339
If everyone gets a gift,
it'll keep the screaming down.
268
00:10:51,363 --> 00:10:53,731
So, everyone gets a gift,
everyone gets a compliment,
269
00:10:53,756 --> 00:10:56,026
everyone gets a hug...
You're not preparing
270
00:10:56,051 --> 00:10:58,218
- these kids for the real world.
- Don't worry,
271
00:10:58,243 --> 00:11:00,037
we'll teach the kids how cruel
the world is next year,
272
00:11:00,061 --> 00:11:02,562
- when they're five.
- Did you need something, Mr. Weissman?
273
00:11:02,587 --> 00:11:04,589
Yes. I need you to know that I can hear
274
00:11:04,614 --> 00:11:06,937
every word you're saying,
and I'm grading papers.
275
00:11:06,962 --> 00:11:08,980
So please, Miriam, Dody...
276
00:11:09,022 --> 00:11:11,106
Try to keep it down.
277
00:11:11,358 --> 00:11:12,817
Okay.
278
00:11:14,518 --> 00:11:16,011
Why does he call me Dody?
279
00:11:16,036 --> 00:11:17,757
She was my friend growing up.
280
00:11:17,782 --> 00:11:20,368
It's sort of a catchall
for whoever he sees me with.
281
00:11:20,617 --> 00:11:22,118
Wait, there's already gum in here.
282
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,912
- I put it in there.
- I'm doing gum.
283
00:11:23,953 --> 00:11:25,913
But I thought you
were doing candy cigarettes.
284
00:11:26,004 --> 00:11:27,756
Starting over.
285
00:11:30,335 --> 00:11:32,587
So, we should finalize the guest list.
286
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,714
- It's the same as last year.
- Is it?
287
00:11:34,978 --> 00:11:36,523
What's the confusion, Dody?
288
00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:37,716
Is Joel coming?
289
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:38,776
Of course he's coming...
290
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:40,178
It's his son's birthday.
291
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,735
Is he bringing her?
292
00:11:41,843 --> 00:11:43,747
Only if he wants to be beaten to death
293
00:11:43,772 --> 00:11:45,882
by, I don't know,
everyone at the party.
294
00:11:45,907 --> 00:11:48,018
Okay. But we'd better
figure out who knows what,
295
00:11:48,043 --> 00:11:49,720
- compare stories.
- Stories?
296
00:11:49,745 --> 00:11:51,425
The stories you've
each been telling people
297
00:11:51,450 --> 00:11:53,450
about your situation...
I've completely lost track.
298
00:11:53,474 --> 00:11:55,717
And I have no idea
what you've been telling people.
299
00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:58,783
Every word, as if broadcast
over a microphone.
300
00:11:58,846 --> 00:12:01,522
- We're almost done.
- You keep starting over.
301
00:12:01,547 --> 00:12:03,187
She talked me
out of gender-specific bags,
302
00:12:03,212 --> 00:12:05,218
Mr. Weissman.
303
00:12:05,537 --> 00:12:08,073
Set up a line like Henry Ford.
304
00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:10,033
Keep the piles separate,
305
00:12:10,058 --> 00:12:12,352
then pass the bags
from one to the other.
306
00:12:12,472 --> 00:12:14,170
Candy cigarettes, pass the bag,
307
00:12:14,212 --> 00:12:16,131
a Silly Putty, pass the bag, and so on.
308
00:12:16,172 --> 00:12:18,216
Thanks for
the industrial education, Papa.
309
00:12:18,258 --> 00:12:19,958
And, young lady,
I heard through the door
310
00:12:19,983 --> 00:12:22,422
that your name is not Dody...
What is your name?
311
00:12:22,696 --> 00:12:23,948
Imogene.
312
00:12:24,216 --> 00:12:26,635
I'm not gonna remember that.
313
00:12:27,970 --> 00:12:30,618
The Murphys... do they know all?
314
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:33,969
I'm not sure. I-I lied
to some people at first,
315
00:12:34,023 --> 00:12:35,983
then started telling people
that we were separated
316
00:12:36,007 --> 00:12:38,220
- but trying to work it out.
- The Turners?
317
00:12:38,446 --> 00:12:40,935
Think that Joel is
on a business trip in Poland.
318
00:12:41,319 --> 00:12:43,119
- The Rivingtons?
- Know that you're separated
319
00:12:43,143 --> 00:12:45,199
and know that Joel moved out.
Someone got to them before me.
320
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,409
But they don't know
that Joel's living with Penny.
321
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,162
He's not living with Penny anymore.
322
00:12:49,187 --> 00:12:50,598
What? Since when?
323
00:12:50,623 --> 00:12:51,791
Joel's secretary called.
324
00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:53,193
Gave me a new home number for him.
325
00:12:53,217 --> 00:12:54,486
It was his parents'.
326
00:12:54,511 --> 00:12:55,724
What happened?
327
00:12:55,930 --> 00:12:57,139
I don't know.
328
00:12:57,164 --> 00:12:58,381
Wow.
329
00:12:58,423 --> 00:12:59,856
As the world turns.
330
00:12:59,881 --> 00:13:01,633
- Mm-hmm.
- So,
331
00:13:01,801 --> 00:13:04,012
who else? Uh, the Gertzs.
332
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,848
Think that Joel is
on a very long business trip
333
00:13:06,890 --> 00:13:09,184
- but suspect more.
- The Salings?
334
00:13:09,225 --> 00:13:11,145
Think that we are
renovating the apartment
335
00:13:11,169 --> 00:13:13,438
and that Joel is traveling for work.
336
00:13:21,423 --> 00:13:23,092
Mm.
337
00:13:27,029 --> 00:13:28,322
What the hell?
338
00:13:28,347 --> 00:13:29,913
Harry, good. Can we talk?
339
00:13:29,938 --> 00:13:31,315
Oh, Susie. Sure.
340
00:13:31,398 --> 00:13:33,191
Hey, uh, guys,
can you give us the room?
341
00:13:33,216 --> 00:13:35,143
Susie needs to talk to me.
342
00:13:35,168 --> 00:13:36,586
You don't have to clear the room.
343
00:13:36,628 --> 00:13:38,254
I'm not gonna clear the goddamn room.
344
00:13:38,296 --> 00:13:39,923
Jesus Christ, Susie, get a phone.
345
00:13:39,964 --> 00:13:42,509
- I have a phone.
- Well, use it.
346
00:13:42,550 --> 00:13:44,750
But face-to-face is better.
That's what you always said.
347
00:13:44,774 --> 00:13:45,562
Don't listen to me.
348
00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:47,030
Oh, so smooth.
349
00:13:47,055 --> 00:13:48,941
It's like a baby's bottom.
350
00:13:48,997 --> 00:13:50,373
And so fragrant.
351
00:13:50,398 --> 00:13:52,275
Okay, okay.
352
00:13:52,886 --> 00:13:54,246
Tell me why you're here.
353
00:13:54,271 --> 00:13:56,351
The comic I told you about,
the one I'm representing.
354
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:57,947
- The girl?
- Yeah, the girl.
355
00:13:57,972 --> 00:14:00,140
She's been killing at
the Gaslight, night after night.
356
00:14:00,165 --> 00:14:01,247
What's her name again?
357
00:14:01,272 --> 00:14:02,732
It's Amanda Gleason.
358
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:03,877
Shit name.
359
00:14:03,902 --> 00:14:05,843
Fake name but a great comic.
360
00:14:05,868 --> 00:14:07,973
She'd be the perfect opening act
for Sophie Lennon.
361
00:14:08,030 --> 00:14:10,561
Get out of here. Sophie's
one of my biggest clients.
362
00:14:10,586 --> 00:14:12,067
- I know.
- Where do you come off,
363
00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:13,527
asking for something like this?
364
00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:15,512
I'm not talking about
opening for her at the Copa.
365
00:14:15,536 --> 00:14:16,467
Then what?
366
00:14:16,492 --> 00:14:17,910
Sophie plays those joints in Jersey
367
00:14:17,935 --> 00:14:19,228
when she's working up a new act.
368
00:14:19,253 --> 00:14:21,047
Those little dives, unannounced.
369
00:14:21,256 --> 00:14:22,771
Let my girl open for her there.
370
00:14:22,796 --> 00:14:24,298
- Really?
- Yeah.
371
00:14:24,342 --> 00:14:25,635
That's a shit gig.
372
00:14:25,677 --> 00:14:26,903
It's a terrible gig.
373
00:14:26,928 --> 00:14:28,356
The audience is there for Sophie.
374
00:14:28,381 --> 00:14:30,560
- The opener gets eaten alive.
- We're game.
375
00:14:30,585 --> 00:14:32,917
Slot went to Markie Diamond
once. You hear of him?
376
00:14:32,942 --> 00:14:34,598
- No.
- And to Adam Young once.
377
00:14:34,623 --> 00:14:35,755
- You hear of him?
- No.
378
00:14:35,780 --> 00:14:37,323
Danny LeMonde? Scoop LeMonde?
379
00:14:37,348 --> 00:14:39,016
- Brothers?
- They're in plumbing now.
380
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:41,876
- I get the point.
- She'd be a sacrificial lamb.
381
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,601
Then cut her up into chops
and serve her with mint sauce.
382
00:14:44,626 --> 00:14:46,012
I want this for her.
383
00:14:46,126 --> 00:14:47,615
I'd need to see her first.
384
00:14:47,657 --> 00:14:48,875
She's got a tight ten.
385
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,446
I can set you up any night you like.
386
00:14:50,471 --> 00:14:52,642
- I'm not going to the Gaslight.
- Why not?
387
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:53,950
I don't go downtown anymore.
388
00:14:53,975 --> 00:14:56,089
You cut your teeth
haunting dives downtown.
389
00:14:56,133 --> 00:14:57,343
I got nice suits now.
390
00:14:57,368 --> 00:14:58,686
Why you wearing this one?
391
00:14:58,711 --> 00:15:01,237
The Stork Club is as south
as I want to go.
392
00:15:01,285 --> 00:15:02,678
She'll perform anywhere you want,
393
00:15:02,703 --> 00:15:04,278
but the Gaslight's her home.
394
00:15:06,092 --> 00:15:07,988
It's a really shit gig.
395
00:15:09,044 --> 00:15:10,421
She's gonna bomb.
396
00:15:11,786 --> 00:15:14,205
Put that on your plate!
397
00:15:14,533 --> 00:15:16,811
Yeah, I'm from Queens,
398
00:15:16,932 --> 00:15:18,558
born and raised.
399
00:15:18,598 --> 00:15:21,316
Queens is the place you go
to get to the airport...
400
00:15:21,357 --> 00:15:23,423
to get the hell out of Queens.
401
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,342
Put that on your plate. Ugh.
402
00:15:26,571 --> 00:15:29,365
In Queens, we got a neighborhood
called Flushing,
403
00:15:29,407 --> 00:15:31,926
which isn't a name
so much as a suggestion
404
00:15:31,951 --> 00:15:33,718
for what to do with the place.
405
00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:37,398
Put that on your plate!
406
00:15:37,493 --> 00:15:40,578
You know, sometimes
when I'm on the telephone
407
00:15:40,603 --> 00:15:43,105
and I say my name, Sophie Lennon,
408
00:15:43,130 --> 00:15:45,914
people think they hear
"Sophia Loren." Mm.
409
00:15:47,141 --> 00:15:49,476
Funny, nobody ever makes
that mistake in person.
410
00:15:51,695 --> 00:15:53,379
You hear those laughs?
411
00:15:53,447 --> 00:15:54,879
They're big laughs.
412
00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:56,985
Are you sure my stuff
is funny enough for Harry?
413
00:15:57,018 --> 00:15:59,312
Positive. Why? Aren't you sure?
414
00:15:59,354 --> 00:16:01,564
- I'm pretty sure.
- Pretty sure?
415
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:04,511
I went out on a limb for you
here, sister, so be damn sure.
416
00:16:04,571 --> 00:16:06,532
I'm... damn sure, okay?
417
00:16:06,694 --> 00:16:08,524
I mean, really.
418
00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:11,217
Yeah, I like to eat!
419
00:16:11,710 --> 00:16:13,743
I'm so fat...
420
00:16:13,858 --> 00:16:15,917
How fat are you?
421
00:16:16,060 --> 00:16:19,355
I'm so fat
that I used to look Rubenesque,
422
00:16:19,457 --> 00:16:22,520
and now I just look
like a Reuben sandwich.
423
00:16:25,273 --> 00:16:27,685
I grew up listening
to this woman on the radio.
424
00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:30,046
- Me, too.
- Even my dad laughed at her.
425
00:16:30,129 --> 00:16:31,672
He tried not to, but he did.
426
00:16:31,761 --> 00:16:34,389
She got a lot of us
through the Depression.
427
00:16:34,551 --> 00:16:35,976
How old are you?
428
00:16:36,052 --> 00:16:37,738
I'm not telling you.
429
00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:39,801
I can't even go to the beach anymore.
430
00:16:40,103 --> 00:16:41,913
Last time I was at the beach,
431
00:16:41,938 --> 00:16:44,778
some marine biology students
started poking me with a stick,
432
00:16:44,831 --> 00:16:46,625
looking for my blowhole!
433
00:16:47,990 --> 00:16:50,171
I walked by a construction site,
434
00:16:50,196 --> 00:16:53,241
and the workers start whistling
at each other!
435
00:16:54,732 --> 00:16:56,494
Should I talk about my husbands?
436
00:16:57,889 --> 00:17:00,099
All right then. You asked for it.
437
00:17:00,337 --> 00:17:03,632
Oh, my first husband and me,
we didn't get along too good.
438
00:17:03,881 --> 00:17:05,748
He was too proper.
439
00:17:05,837 --> 00:17:07,964
He spoke the Queen's English,
440
00:17:08,006 --> 00:17:11,551
whereas I spoke Queens' English.
441
00:17:11,592 --> 00:17:12,802
Bop!
442
00:17:17,378 --> 00:17:20,965
Oh! Put that on your plate!
443
00:17:26,639 --> 00:17:28,000
Here you go.
444
00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:29,712
What's your name, sweetie?
445
00:17:29,774 --> 00:17:31,233
Linda. I'm from Queens, too.
446
00:17:31,315 --> 00:17:34,043
Oh, Linda,
you have my deepest sympathies.
447
00:17:34,091 --> 00:17:35,885
There you go.
448
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,422
- Hello, my loves.
- I'm an enormous fan.
449
00:17:38,447 --> 00:17:39,496
How 'bout that?
450
00:17:39,529 --> 00:17:40,950
- I'm an enormous comedian.
- Harry.
451
00:17:41,089 --> 00:17:43,299
There you go, honey.
452
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:45,084
- Enjoy.
- Hello, Susie.
453
00:17:45,126 --> 00:17:47,253
Oh, thanks for putting on
your fancy duds.
454
00:17:47,295 --> 00:17:49,422
Shows a lot of respect
for the occasion here.
455
00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:51,344
Listen, I know it's late
and you have a catheter
456
00:17:51,368 --> 00:17:53,643
that needs changing, so let me
introduce you to my girl.
457
00:17:53,668 --> 00:17:54,828
- This is...
- Amanda Gleason.
458
00:17:54,852 --> 00:17:56,612
- Amanda Gleason.
- Nice to meet you.
459
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:58,600
- You like the show?
- I loved it.
460
00:17:58,625 --> 00:18:00,502
She's hysterical. She's timeless.
461
00:18:00,541 --> 00:18:02,001
She's the best in the biz.
462
00:18:02,143 --> 00:18:03,987
Let me introduce you. Sophie.
463
00:18:04,012 --> 00:18:05,674
- Yeah.
- Excuse me.
464
00:18:05,728 --> 00:18:08,773
Oh, hey, don't worry. I'll be back.
465
00:18:08,941 --> 00:18:12,111
Sophie, this is Susie Myerson
and Amanda Gleason.
466
00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:13,833
Amanda may be opening for you
467
00:18:13,858 --> 00:18:15,284
- in Jersey.
- Nice to meet you.
468
00:18:15,309 --> 00:18:17,439
- Ah, Sophie don't shake hands.
- Oh.
469
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:20,092
- Sophie shakes bodies. Come here, you.
- Oh. Oh.
470
00:18:20,117 --> 00:18:22,494
Harry, make sure
471
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:24,521
you cheat toward
this adorable young thing.
472
00:18:24,584 --> 00:18:25,864
- Oh.
- I will.
473
00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:27,011
So, you're gonna be
474
00:18:27,036 --> 00:18:29,019
- the appetizer, huh?
- I'm hoping.
475
00:18:29,044 --> 00:18:31,008
Well, it's a tough gig.
They tell you that?
476
00:18:31,033 --> 00:18:33,410
- They did. I'm game.
- Good for you.
477
00:18:33,435 --> 00:18:35,235
Why don't you come over
to my house this week.
478
00:18:35,343 --> 00:18:37,089
I like to get to know my acolytes.
479
00:18:37,114 --> 00:18:38,613
I'm at your disposal.
480
00:18:38,638 --> 00:18:40,598
Harry, set it up.
481
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,892
Look at those beauty-ful people.
482
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:45,728
So long, all!
483
00:18:46,053 --> 00:18:47,522
Come here, my darlings.
484
00:18:47,563 --> 00:18:48,940
Susie, I'll be in touch.
485
00:18:48,981 --> 00:18:50,582
- Thanks, Harry.
- Okay.
486
00:18:52,301 --> 00:18:54,219
Oh! Where'd you get that hat?
487
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,784
There's still lumps in there,
Zelda. They all have to go.
488
00:18:59,826 --> 00:19:01,906
- Yes, ma'am.
- It's not just about what he can chew.
489
00:19:01,930 --> 00:19:04,715
- Every lump is a choking hazard.
- Who's at risk of choking?
490
00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:07,308
Your father's bringing Mordecai
Glickman home for dinner.
491
00:19:07,333 --> 00:19:10,211
Professor Glickman? He was
an old man when I was a kid.
492
00:19:10,253 --> 00:19:12,518
- He still is.
- He had no liver when I was a kid.
493
00:19:12,543 --> 00:19:14,336
He still doesn't.
494
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,277
- Too firm. Lose the peaches.
- Yes, ma'am.
495
00:19:16,302 --> 00:19:18,513
You're eating with us? Please
say you're eating with us.
496
00:19:18,538 --> 00:19:21,082
- I was planning on it.
- Your father especially wanted you
497
00:19:21,107 --> 00:19:22,733
to eat with us.
498
00:19:22,825 --> 00:19:24,909
- Too stringy. Lose the yams.
- Yes, ma'am.
499
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:27,334
Grab some bowls. They'll want
to eat as soon as they come in,
500
00:19:27,358 --> 00:19:29,147
before Mordecai falls asleep.
501
00:19:31,477 --> 00:19:32,895
So, remember,
502
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,587
he's got 90% hearing loss
in his left ear,
503
00:19:35,612 --> 00:19:37,473
and his right ear is completely deaf.
504
00:19:37,655 --> 00:19:40,449
- So yell into his left ear.
- And sometimes he sees stars
505
00:19:40,491 --> 00:19:42,331
in front of his eyes
and he'll comment on them.
506
00:19:42,372 --> 00:19:44,412
He'll say, "Look at all
the pretty stars, everyone."
507
00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:45,009
Just go along.
508
00:19:45,034 --> 00:19:46,514
- We're all seeing pretty stars.
- Mm.
509
00:19:46,538 --> 00:19:48,688
Is it okay if I seat Professor
Glickman here, ma'am?
510
00:19:48,742 --> 00:19:51,062
Oh, he shouldn't sit there.
If he falls, he'll hit his head
511
00:19:51,093 --> 00:19:52,893
- on the mirror.
- But if he falls over there,
512
00:19:52,917 --> 00:19:54,897
he'll hit his head on the drink cart.
513
00:19:54,922 --> 00:19:57,322
I should have had Abe tell me
which way he was tilting today.
514
00:19:57,346 --> 00:19:58,555
Have some pillows handy.
515
00:19:58,676 --> 00:20:00,720
Hello!
516
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,235
We're here!
517
00:20:05,591 --> 00:20:07,119
- Abe?
- Rose,
518
00:20:07,144 --> 00:20:09,000
this is David Blumenthal.
519
00:20:09,025 --> 00:20:10,842
David, this is my wife, Rose.
520
00:20:10,867 --> 00:20:12,327
Nice to meet you, Mrs. Weissman.
521
00:20:12,352 --> 00:20:14,959
- Likewise.
- And this is my daughter,
522
00:20:14,984 --> 00:20:17,653
- Miriam.
- Very nice to meet you, Miriam.
523
00:20:17,915 --> 00:20:19,876
Nice to meet you, too, Mr. Blumenthal.
524
00:20:19,925 --> 00:20:21,135
Please, call me David.
525
00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:23,650
David.
526
00:20:23,826 --> 00:20:26,500
Zelda, why don't you take
Mr. Blumenthal's coat.
527
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:27,845
Yes, ma'am.
528
00:20:29,089 --> 00:20:31,049
This is not Professor Glickman.
529
00:20:31,093 --> 00:20:32,373
- Of course it isn't.
- I thought
530
00:20:32,415 --> 00:20:33,444
you were bringing home
Professor Glickman.
531
00:20:33,468 --> 00:20:35,563
I said "a colleague,"
not "Professor Glickman."
532
00:20:35,588 --> 00:20:37,215
David, please join us
in the living room.
533
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,033
We can chat a bit before dinner.
534
00:20:39,625 --> 00:20:42,178
Mmm, this looks...
535
00:20:42,220 --> 00:20:43,542
charmingly eclectic.
536
00:20:43,567 --> 00:20:44,931
Is this dinner, Rose?
537
00:20:44,972 --> 00:20:46,682
It's dinner for Mordecai Glickman.
538
00:20:46,724 --> 00:20:48,972
I wasn't aware you were bringing
home someone with teeth.
539
00:20:48,997 --> 00:20:51,124
Well, David,
540
00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:52,358
would you like a drink?
541
00:20:52,383 --> 00:20:54,761
We have... peppermint schnapps.
542
00:20:54,855 --> 00:20:57,138
Rose, why is there
just peppermint schnapps?
543
00:20:57,163 --> 00:20:59,062
It's what Professor Glickman drinks.
544
00:20:59,088 --> 00:21:00,304
I have scotch somewhere.
545
00:21:00,329 --> 00:21:02,192
I'm fine, thank you.
I don't need a drink.
546
00:21:02,217 --> 00:21:04,887
I hope you like applesauce and
peach slices, Mr. Blumenthal.
547
00:21:04,912 --> 00:21:07,312
- I like whatever you're serving.
- Good, because that's what
548
00:21:07,336 --> 00:21:10,130
we're serving: Applesauce and
peach slices and mashed potatoes
549
00:21:10,155 --> 00:21:12,904
and consommé and hard-boiled
eggs and pureed cauliflower
550
00:21:12,929 --> 00:21:13,957
and pudding for dessert.
551
00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,782
Your teeth will wonder
what they're there for.
552
00:21:15,807 --> 00:21:17,767
Miriam, will you help me
in the kitchen, please?
553
00:21:17,792 --> 00:21:18,792
Mm.
554
00:21:19,498 --> 00:21:20,821
Excuse me.
555
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,211
So, David, which part
of Westchester are you from?
556
00:21:28,671 --> 00:21:29,991
What do we have that's real food?
557
00:21:30,015 --> 00:21:32,334
- I have steaks, but they're frozen.
- This is a nightmare.
558
00:21:32,358 --> 00:21:33,824
- The nerve of him.
- The nerve of him.
559
00:21:33,848 --> 00:21:35,761
You said he was bringing home
Professor Glickman.
560
00:21:35,785 --> 00:21:37,095
I said he was bringing home
a colleague,
561
00:21:37,119 --> 00:21:38,280
and it's always Professor Glickman.
562
00:21:38,304 --> 00:21:39,828
- Is this a set-up?
- Of course it's a set-up.
563
00:21:39,852 --> 00:21:40,882
Why is he doing this?
564
00:21:40,907 --> 00:21:42,627
Why is he trying to set
me up with some guy?
565
00:21:42,651 --> 00:21:44,431
Your father's nothing
but a common souteneur.
566
00:21:44,456 --> 00:21:46,210
- A what?
- A pimp. Your father's a pimp.
567
00:21:46,235 --> 00:21:48,035
- He's not a pimp.
- He's trying to breed you,
568
00:21:48,059 --> 00:21:48,993
like a prize mare.
569
00:21:49,018 --> 00:21:50,872
Just the presumption
of what he's doing.
570
00:21:50,897 --> 00:21:53,065
- I'm so mad.
- And this man is not even attractive.
571
00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:54,210
Well, he's not unattractive.
572
00:21:54,235 --> 00:21:55,823
Oh, Miriam, you are not going
out with this man.
573
00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:57,550
Of course I'm not going out
with this man.
574
00:21:57,575 --> 00:21:58,815
But you said he was attractive.
575
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:00,720
I had a car for a while.
576
00:22:00,744 --> 00:22:01,441
A '55 Bel Air.
577
00:22:01,466 --> 00:22:03,176
But the upkeep was enormous,
578
00:22:03,490 --> 00:22:05,722
and parking in the city's murder, so...
579
00:22:05,747 --> 00:22:08,281
Yes, well, parking and upkeep is...
580
00:22:08,306 --> 00:22:10,215
So you would encourage
your father to be a pimp?
581
00:22:10,239 --> 00:22:12,189
Look,
he's a lot of things, but I don't think
582
00:22:12,214 --> 00:22:14,734
- it's fair to call him a pimp.
- Well, he's being a pimp.
583
00:22:14,758 --> 00:22:16,717
Upkeep is pretty onerous.
584
00:22:16,742 --> 00:22:18,897
David, will you excuse me a moment?
585
00:22:18,922 --> 00:22:21,180
The girls sound a little... excited.
586
00:22:21,205 --> 00:22:22,842
- Of course.
- So it's my fault?
587
00:22:22,867 --> 00:22:24,827
I should have eaten
at the Automat tonight.
588
00:22:24,851 --> 00:22:27,788
- That's what I think. -Miriam, stop it.
- What is going on?
589
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:30,149
- We can hear every word you're saying.
- Abe Weissman,
590
00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,232
what made you think you could
just bring a man home like this?
591
00:22:32,256 --> 00:22:34,589
He's a colleague. I bring
colleagues home for dinner.
592
00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,729
- He's not just a colleague.
- You brought him home
593
00:22:36,754 --> 00:22:39,238
- to set him up with Miriam.
- I did no such thing.
594
00:22:39,263 --> 00:22:40,264
Come on.
595
00:22:40,289 --> 00:22:42,369
David Blumenthal is a
colleague at my school.
596
00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:44,188
- Is he a bachelor?
- I think so.
597
00:22:44,213 --> 00:22:45,554
- Oh, Abe!
- What?
598
00:22:45,579 --> 00:22:46,925
I can only bring home
married colleagues?
599
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:48,709
- Mm.
- Come on, you never bring anyone home,
600
00:22:48,734 --> 00:22:50,913
and tonight you show up
with this attractive young guy?
601
00:22:50,938 --> 00:22:52,982
- Semi-attractive.
- He's not unattractive.
602
00:22:53,007 --> 00:22:55,384
- Which side are you on here?
- His looks have nothing to do
603
00:22:55,409 --> 00:22:58,370
with this. Now, please,
can we get dinner on the table?
604
00:22:58,395 --> 00:22:59,437
Dinner's a disaster.
605
00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:01,422
He says he's not picky.
606
00:23:01,834 --> 00:23:04,090
Oh, and Mordecai Glickman
is no longer with us.
607
00:23:04,115 --> 00:23:06,035
- Since when?
- Since we went to his funeral
608
00:23:06,060 --> 00:23:07,076
four years ago.
609
00:23:07,101 --> 00:23:08,461
That's right. It was the liveliest
610
00:23:08,485 --> 00:23:09,602
I'd seen Mordecai in years.
611
00:23:09,759 --> 00:23:11,761
Dinner, please.
612
00:23:13,522 --> 00:23:15,092
You think he's telling the truth?
613
00:23:15,117 --> 00:23:17,537
I don't know anything anymore.
614
00:23:20,976 --> 00:23:22,663
Thursday is soft foods night
615
00:23:22,688 --> 00:23:24,231
here at the Weissman home, David.
616
00:23:24,256 --> 00:23:25,360
I hope you don't mind.
617
00:23:25,385 --> 00:23:26,844
I'm anything but picky, Abe.
618
00:23:26,992 --> 00:23:29,703
Please, everybody, sit.
619
00:23:38,154 --> 00:23:41,737
So, David here is a divorce lawyer.
620
00:23:45,522 --> 00:23:48,213
David, can I dish you up
some peach slices?
621
00:23:48,238 --> 00:23:50,740
- You said he was a colleague.
- I do teach law part-time.
622
00:23:50,765 --> 00:23:52,765
- Shut up, David.
- She needs an attorney.
623
00:23:52,790 --> 00:23:54,633
- She does not need an attorney.
- Maybe I should go.
624
00:23:54,657 --> 00:23:56,329
Papa, this was not the time
or the place.
625
00:23:56,354 --> 00:23:58,474
Mr. Blumenthal, I'm afraid
my husband brought you here
626
00:23:58,498 --> 00:23:59,593
under false pretenses.
627
00:23:59,618 --> 00:24:01,545
An informative colloquy can't hurt.
628
00:24:01,570 --> 00:24:02,930
I can just leave my card with you.
629
00:24:02,955 --> 00:24:04,039
She doesn't need your card.
630
00:24:04,064 --> 00:24:06,267
Papa, can we...
colloquy in your study, please?
631
00:24:06,425 --> 00:24:07,641
The food will get cold.
632
00:24:07,666 --> 00:24:08,876
It's already cold.
633
00:24:09,084 --> 00:24:10,753
- David, excuse us.
- I understand.
634
00:24:10,778 --> 00:24:13,059
No, there's nothing for you
to understand, Mr. Blumenthal.
635
00:24:13,083 --> 00:24:13,936
- Mm-mm.
- Rose,
636
00:24:13,961 --> 00:24:15,712
please, my study.
637
00:24:19,729 --> 00:24:22,858
Don't you dare pull paperwork
out of that briefcase of yours.
638
00:24:25,569 --> 00:24:28,015
Papa, you should have told me
you were doing this.
639
00:24:28,062 --> 00:24:31,357
We should not be in denial
about what's happening here.
640
00:24:31,382 --> 00:24:32,925
Who are you to say that?
641
00:24:32,978 --> 00:24:34,440
- I'm her father.
- For now.
642
00:24:34,465 --> 00:24:36,175
What does that even mean?
643
00:24:36,244 --> 00:24:38,876
And why would you think
I would bring someone home
644
00:24:38,901 --> 00:24:41,342
- to set you up with?
- Because you're a common souteneur.
645
00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:43,199
- A what?
- A pimp. Papa, you're a pimp.
646
00:24:43,224 --> 00:24:44,764
I beg your pardon.
647
00:24:44,789 --> 00:24:46,892
- Sounds better in French.
- I wouldn't set you up
648
00:24:46,917 --> 00:24:48,523
with anyone.
I don't even know your type.
649
00:24:48,548 --> 00:24:51,306
- Joel's her type.
- Miriam doesn't have a type.
650
00:24:51,482 --> 00:24:52,865
My God, before Joel,
651
00:24:52,890 --> 00:24:55,131
you were with that ultra white
Palmer Witherspoon.
652
00:24:55,156 --> 00:24:56,666
Oh, that name you remember?
653
00:24:56,691 --> 00:24:58,964
He was like a pole-vaulter
from Triumph of the Will.
654
00:24:58,989 --> 00:25:01,711
Papa, this is my concern, not yours.
655
00:25:01,780 --> 00:25:03,131
You're my daughter.
656
00:25:03,156 --> 00:25:04,616
Your concerns are my concerns.
657
00:25:04,665 --> 00:25:06,834
Miriam and Joel are not divorcing.
658
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:10,671
Rose, we need to talk about this.
659
00:25:11,106 --> 00:25:13,711
They live apart. She has a job.
660
00:25:13,736 --> 00:25:15,404
He moved in with that girl.
661
00:25:15,496 --> 00:25:18,800
No one at Ethan's party
has been told the same thing.
662
00:25:19,033 --> 00:25:21,637
It'll be 20 adults
all sitting six feet apart
663
00:25:21,662 --> 00:25:23,149
so they can't compare stories
664
00:25:23,174 --> 00:25:25,517
with Dody running interference.
665
00:25:27,908 --> 00:25:29,868
Things need to move on.
666
00:25:29,893 --> 00:25:31,978
Miriam needs to be settled.
667
00:25:32,329 --> 00:25:35,832
And that means they need to divorce.
668
00:25:35,857 --> 00:25:37,566
I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
669
00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:39,919
Now I'm gonna go to the kitchen
and grab some celery
670
00:25:39,944 --> 00:25:42,363
because we all need
something fibrous to eat.
671
00:25:47,257 --> 00:25:49,509
Her name's Imogene.
672
00:26:17,226 --> 00:26:18,822
I guess it's time.
673
00:26:36,844 --> 00:26:38,337
Rose.
674
00:26:39,463 --> 00:26:40,856
Rose.
675
00:26:40,881 --> 00:26:42,258
Privacy, please.
676
00:26:42,283 --> 00:26:44,041
We need to talk.
677
00:26:44,066 --> 00:26:45,984
You bring that man home.
678
00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:47,438
A lawyer.
679
00:26:47,463 --> 00:26:49,674
I could strangle you.
680
00:26:49,699 --> 00:26:51,200
I want to tell you something.
681
00:26:51,225 --> 00:26:53,519
Well, tell it to your colleague.
682
00:26:53,656 --> 00:26:56,576
You need to know... Rose!
683
00:27:01,735 --> 00:27:03,775
You need to know about Miriam and Joel.
684
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:05,802
What about them?
685
00:27:05,953 --> 00:27:09,689
Joel is not going to come back.
686
00:27:10,367 --> 00:27:11,526
How do you know?
687
00:27:11,551 --> 00:27:15,722
Because he already did... come back.
688
00:27:16,333 --> 00:27:18,961
And she turned him away.
689
00:27:19,117 --> 00:27:20,722
"She" who?
690
00:27:20,838 --> 00:27:22,420
- Miriam.
- Our Miriam?
691
00:27:22,465 --> 00:27:24,758
- Yes.
- I don't understand.
692
00:27:27,777 --> 00:27:30,946
About a month ago, Joel came here
693
00:27:31,074 --> 00:27:33,696
and he asked to come back.
694
00:27:34,957 --> 00:27:36,728
She said no.
695
00:27:37,128 --> 00:27:40,976
- She said no.
- She said no.
696
00:27:44,953 --> 00:27:47,099
And you didn't tell me.
697
00:27:47,494 --> 00:27:49,192
I didn't know how.
698
00:27:49,217 --> 00:27:50,960
And she didn't tell me.
699
00:27:50,985 --> 00:27:53,550
She probably didn't know how.
700
00:27:55,582 --> 00:27:57,705
Well, thank you very much.
701
00:28:01,404 --> 00:28:03,740
Drina! I need the ball.
702
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:04,994
And the cards.
703
00:28:05,019 --> 00:28:07,480
I need the ball and the cards
and two cups of tea.
704
00:28:07,538 --> 00:28:10,416
- Hello.
- Drina?
705
00:28:12,281 --> 00:28:14,658
Welcome. Please, have a seat.
706
00:28:14,886 --> 00:28:16,096
Who are you?
707
00:28:16,124 --> 00:28:17,836
I am Madame Cosma.
708
00:28:17,861 --> 00:28:20,012
I see your future so you don't have to.
709
00:28:20,037 --> 00:28:22,081
N-No. What happened to Drina?
710
00:28:22,210 --> 00:28:24,879
Drina, she's home now.
711
00:28:24,904 --> 00:28:27,031
Drina went back to the old
country without telling me?
712
00:28:27,056 --> 00:28:29,155
The old country, she's from the Bronx.
713
00:28:29,180 --> 00:28:30,900
Oh, no, no, no.
Drina's from Eastern Europe.
714
00:28:30,924 --> 00:28:32,934
A small city just outside Bucharest.
715
00:28:34,154 --> 00:28:35,353
Okay.
716
00:28:35,378 --> 00:28:37,027
I need to see her.
She tells my fortune.
717
00:28:37,052 --> 00:28:39,247
She reads my tea leaves.
She helps guide my life.
718
00:28:39,272 --> 00:28:41,691
Well, now I am the person
who's gonna do that,
719
00:28:41,798 --> 00:28:43,299
but between you and me,
720
00:28:43,347 --> 00:28:45,975
the tea leaf thing, kind of a scam.
721
00:28:46,049 --> 00:28:49,386
Pyromancy. Gazing into fire...
722
00:28:49,554 --> 00:28:51,775
Much more accurate, prettier, too.
723
00:28:51,847 --> 00:28:54,850
- This isn't happening.
- The price is the same.
724
00:28:54,875 --> 00:28:57,712
And if you pay in advance,
your tenth visit is free.
725
00:28:57,737 --> 00:28:59,322
Plus, I throw in a charm.
726
00:28:59,347 --> 00:29:01,808
I don't believe this.
What am I gonna do?
727
00:29:02,788 --> 00:29:05,791
I don't even have to consult
the cards to see...
728
00:29:06,142 --> 00:29:09,729
that it's all going wrong for you.
729
00:29:30,009 --> 00:29:31,241
Hello, Abe.
730
00:29:32,471 --> 00:29:35,766
Abe. Abe!
731
00:29:36,121 --> 00:29:39,291
I just need a moment, please.
732
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,440
Okay, I know you hate me.
733
00:29:41,622 --> 00:29:42,923
I don't blame you.
734
00:29:42,948 --> 00:29:45,033
I'm not feeling too hot
about myself, either.
735
00:29:45,521 --> 00:29:47,878
I just wanted to talk to you
about what my father said
736
00:29:47,903 --> 00:29:50,344
at that dinner a couple months ago.
737
00:29:51,493 --> 00:29:52,906
For Professor Weissman?
738
00:29:53,016 --> 00:29:54,772
I'll take it.
739
00:29:55,582 --> 00:29:57,834
Abe, you got a package.
740
00:30:03,521 --> 00:30:06,023
Okay, then I'll talk to your door.
741
00:30:06,151 --> 00:30:08,195
It's true what he said.
742
00:30:08,277 --> 00:30:10,238
Miriam and I were broke.
743
00:30:10,305 --> 00:30:11,640
I mean, flat broke.
744
00:30:11,728 --> 00:30:13,128
We were spending more than we made,
745
00:30:13,152 --> 00:30:14,911
couldn't save anything.
746
00:30:14,936 --> 00:30:17,355
But she had no idea
that that was the case.
747
00:30:17,531 --> 00:30:20,492
She'd ask about money and I'd
say we're fine, we're good.
748
00:30:20,674 --> 00:30:22,191
She trusted me.
749
00:30:22,891 --> 00:30:24,793
She's always trusted me.
750
00:30:26,218 --> 00:30:28,679
There's a lot of things
I can't make right again,
751
00:30:28,728 --> 00:30:31,147
but there's some things I can.
752
00:30:35,032 --> 00:30:36,549
Thanks.
753
00:30:38,534 --> 00:30:40,045
Table.
754
00:30:42,467 --> 00:30:44,419
I've been stepping up at work, Abe.
755
00:30:44,444 --> 00:30:46,736
And I'm in line for a new job.
756
00:30:47,109 --> 00:30:48,694
It's a pretty big promotion.
757
00:30:48,719 --> 00:30:51,173
Well, good for you.
758
00:30:51,485 --> 00:30:54,405
I'm not bragging, it just means...
759
00:30:54,992 --> 00:30:56,716
Look.
760
00:30:57,150 --> 00:31:00,062
It comes with a raise,
a pretty big one.
761
00:31:00,878 --> 00:31:02,838
And I've been crunching the numbers.
762
00:31:02,863 --> 00:31:04,236
Uh-huh.
763
00:31:04,261 --> 00:31:06,597
Miriam and the kids can't live
at your place forever.
764
00:31:06,784 --> 00:31:09,662
They're gonna need their own
place, three bedrooms at least.
765
00:31:09,822 --> 00:31:11,365
I can swing that now.
766
00:31:11,508 --> 00:31:13,348
And she wants the kids
to go to private school?
767
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:14,126
Yes, she does.
768
00:31:14,151 --> 00:31:16,175
Ethan to Collegiate
and Esther to Brearley.
769
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:19,203
Tuition's about $1,100 each,
and I budgeted for that, too.
770
00:31:19,470 --> 00:31:21,739
Then there's clothes, entertainment.
771
00:31:21,764 --> 00:31:23,919
I want them to go to shows and movies,
772
00:31:24,022 --> 00:31:26,431
take piano lessons, go on vacations.
773
00:31:26,456 --> 00:31:27,833
It's all here.
774
00:31:27,858 --> 00:31:29,819
Everything they need is accounted for.
775
00:31:29,844 --> 00:31:31,930
And my new salary will cover it all.
776
00:31:31,955 --> 00:31:34,296
And if you don't get the new job?
777
00:31:34,712 --> 00:31:37,215
Then I'll go back
to working for my father.
778
00:31:37,291 --> 00:31:39,835
Either way, that is the salary.
779
00:31:40,063 --> 00:31:43,455
Joel, you know that I am
pretty good at math.
780
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:45,952
- Right?
- Yes.
781
00:31:46,228 --> 00:31:48,564
There's nothing left for you.
782
00:31:48,817 --> 00:31:50,256
I'll be fine.
783
00:31:50,325 --> 00:31:52,374
- You'll be fine?
- The new job takes me
784
00:31:52,399 --> 00:31:53,514
to the West Coast a lot,
785
00:31:53,539 --> 00:31:54,859
eventually, I'll be moving there.
786
00:31:54,884 --> 00:31:56,043
To California?
787
00:31:56,068 --> 00:31:58,109
Miriam said you hate California.
788
00:31:58,162 --> 00:31:59,825
Doesn't matter.
789
00:31:59,867 --> 00:32:02,010
But what about the kids?
790
00:32:02,109 --> 00:32:04,056
They're taken care of.
Anything they want.
791
00:32:04,171 --> 00:32:05,922
But you won't see them.
792
00:32:06,098 --> 00:32:08,726
They don't need me.
793
00:32:12,106 --> 00:32:13,274
Joel.
794
00:32:13,299 --> 00:32:14,948
So do me a favor, Abe?
795
00:32:15,194 --> 00:32:17,154
Be the go-between on this.
796
00:32:17,416 --> 00:32:19,460
Tell Midge that she
and the kids are all set.
797
00:32:21,405 --> 00:32:23,157
You'll do that?
798
00:32:23,182 --> 00:32:24,761
I'll do that.
799
00:32:27,433 --> 00:32:29,300
This is good, Abe.
800
00:32:29,634 --> 00:32:31,386
You should be happy.
801
00:32:31,648 --> 00:32:33,185
Okay.
802
00:32:34,109 --> 00:32:35,665
I'll be happy.
803
00:32:56,870 --> 00:32:58,330
Good afternoon.
804
00:32:58,355 --> 00:32:59,731
Miss Gleason, I presume.
805
00:32:59,756 --> 00:33:01,758
Yes. Good afternoon.
806
00:33:01,783 --> 00:33:03,034
Miss Lennon is expecting you.
807
00:33:03,059 --> 00:33:04,519
Please come in.
808
00:33:05,134 --> 00:33:06,741
Thank you.
809
00:33:10,511 --> 00:33:13,305
So who composed that doorbell? Puccini?
810
00:33:13,330 --> 00:33:14,748
I wouldn't know.
811
00:33:14,773 --> 00:33:17,609
Probably just some guy
at the doorbell factory.
812
00:33:17,737 --> 00:33:19,439
Your coat, miss?
813
00:33:19,509 --> 00:33:21,469
Oh, yes.
814
00:33:21,592 --> 00:33:24,136
Wow. Such a big foyer.
815
00:33:24,284 --> 00:33:25,952
You should put in a ping-pong table.
816
00:33:25,977 --> 00:33:27,932
- Jenkins?
- Oh.
817
00:33:27,984 --> 00:33:30,987
- Oh, hi, Jenkins.
- The lady's coat.
818
00:33:40,183 --> 00:33:42,185
They look like
they could use some water.
819
00:33:42,210 --> 00:33:43,878
Miss Lennon will be down shortly.
820
00:33:43,903 --> 00:33:46,447
Miss Lennon is down now.
821
00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:52,817
Sophie. Hi.
822
00:33:53,020 --> 00:33:54,939
So good to see you.
823
00:33:55,059 --> 00:33:56,936
Oh, and you're on time.
824
00:33:56,985 --> 00:33:58,778
That's so unlike a comic.
825
00:33:58,854 --> 00:34:00,564
- I tend to be punctual.
- Mmm.
826
00:34:00,619 --> 00:34:03,383
The lady was inquiring as to the
provenance of the doorbell.
827
00:34:03,408 --> 00:34:05,327
It was a joke. I said Puccini.
828
00:34:05,432 --> 00:34:06,808
It was Aaron Copland.
829
00:34:07,217 --> 00:34:09,066
Wait. Aaron Copland
wrote your doorbell?
830
00:34:09,091 --> 00:34:10,426
It's something he does.
831
00:34:10,451 --> 00:34:12,995
Aaron writes doorbells
for all his friends.
832
00:34:13,230 --> 00:34:16,188
I guess even composers need to
let loose sometimes.
833
00:34:16,262 --> 00:34:18,654
Dawes, how is the light
in the Blue Room today?
834
00:34:18,679 --> 00:34:19,994
I got a terrible night's sleep,
835
00:34:20,019 --> 00:34:22,355
and you know that makes my eyes
sensitive to light.
836
00:34:22,380 --> 00:34:24,799
Is the light caustic today?
837
00:34:24,857 --> 00:34:26,817
I'll check, ma'am.
838
00:34:39,707 --> 00:34:41,868
The light is not caustic, ma'am.
839
00:34:42,317 --> 00:34:44,361
The Blue Room it is.
840
00:34:54,104 --> 00:34:56,511
Wow. Wow.
841
00:34:56,536 --> 00:34:59,080
I had to fire six designers
to get it here.
842
00:34:59,202 --> 00:35:00,699
I'm not sure it was worth it.
843
00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:03,101
- This is gorgeous.
- Don't touch.
844
00:35:03,272 --> 00:35:04,940
That was Cole Porter's.
845
00:35:05,102 --> 00:35:08,417
He wrote "Begin the Beguine"
on that very instrument.
846
00:35:08,499 --> 00:35:11,203
And this rug was once owned
by George Gershwin.
847
00:35:11,378 --> 00:35:12,569
Should I walk on it?
848
00:35:12,621 --> 00:35:15,793
Lightly. You'll have the
grand tour after we eat.
849
00:35:16,060 --> 00:35:18,248
Terrific. I'd love to see the kitchen.
850
00:35:18,273 --> 00:35:19,983
The kitchen? Really?
851
00:35:20,313 --> 00:35:21,551
Why?
852
00:35:21,576 --> 00:35:23,286
Because I love kitchens.
853
00:35:23,355 --> 00:35:25,524
Really? Kitchens?
854
00:35:25,939 --> 00:35:27,482
Why?
855
00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:29,840
- They're neat.
- To be honest,
856
00:35:29,865 --> 00:35:32,424
I haven't been in our kitchen
in quite some time.
857
00:35:32,587 --> 00:35:35,458
I'm on the road, I'm upstairs,
858
00:35:35,548 --> 00:35:38,360
but if it means that much
to you, we'll find it.
859
00:35:39,153 --> 00:35:40,383
Ready for tea, ma'am?
860
00:35:40,408 --> 00:35:42,535
Yes, Dawes. Let's sit.
861
00:35:46,289 --> 00:35:49,031
So the bread for the finger
sandwiches is from Provence.
862
00:35:49,323 --> 00:35:51,492
Uh, the macaroons are French, too.
863
00:35:51,517 --> 00:35:55,228
Clotted cream is from London,
of course, and the scones.
864
00:35:55,477 --> 00:35:57,855
I would never eat a domestic scone.
865
00:35:57,990 --> 00:35:59,700
Shall we prepare your plate, miss?
866
00:35:59,728 --> 00:36:01,355
Yes, thank you.
867
00:36:01,380 --> 00:36:03,883
And I will have my usual, Dawes.
868
00:36:05,028 --> 00:36:07,595
So... this is you.
869
00:36:07,620 --> 00:36:09,068
This is me.
870
00:36:09,093 --> 00:36:10,897
- Surprised?
- A little.
871
00:36:10,922 --> 00:36:13,529
You were expecting
Sophie Lennon, weren't ya?
872
00:36:13,597 --> 00:36:14,746
Yes.
873
00:36:14,771 --> 00:36:17,002
It's a very successful
charade, isn't it?
874
00:36:17,027 --> 00:36:19,854
- Amazing.
- It's all fat suit and makeup.
875
00:36:19,879 --> 00:36:21,307
How do people not know?
876
00:36:21,332 --> 00:36:23,627
I've never seen a picture of you
out of character.
877
00:36:23,652 --> 00:36:25,824
I pay the publicists, I pay the rags.
878
00:36:25,849 --> 00:36:28,727
I paid for Walter Winchell's
summer home, for Christ's sake.
879
00:36:29,169 --> 00:36:30,712
Fans don't want to see this.
880
00:36:30,737 --> 00:36:33,198
They want the hausfrau from Queens.
881
00:36:33,389 --> 00:36:35,751
Ooh. Macaroons.
882
00:36:35,924 --> 00:36:39,302
You are so refreshing.
883
00:36:39,484 --> 00:36:41,878
- Hmm?
- Eating a macaroon like that.
884
00:36:41,903 --> 00:36:43,425
Oh, am I eating it wrong?
885
00:36:43,450 --> 00:36:45,577
No, no, no. You're eating it.
886
00:36:47,479 --> 00:36:49,773
Leave the wedge, please.
887
00:37:03,018 --> 00:37:05,406
My goodness, you're so pretty.
888
00:37:05,451 --> 00:37:07,883
Why comedy? Can't you sing?
889
00:37:07,940 --> 00:37:11,568
Nope. The comedy thing...
I-I just fell into it.
890
00:37:11,593 --> 00:37:12,613
Mm, me, too.
891
00:37:12,638 --> 00:37:14,748
- I went to Yale Drama School.
- You're kidding.
892
00:37:14,773 --> 00:37:17,192
Yes, I wanted
to be the next Laurette Taylor.
893
00:37:17,367 --> 00:37:19,218
Then I graduated, and I starved,
894
00:37:19,243 --> 00:37:22,839
so I started doing this
character... Sophie from Queens.
895
00:37:23,315 --> 00:37:25,275
And look what it paid for.
896
00:37:25,530 --> 00:37:27,023
- Dawes?
- Yes, ma'am?
897
00:37:27,066 --> 00:37:29,236
Isn't that marvelous?
898
00:37:30,191 --> 00:37:33,053
- Uh...
- So tell me...
899
00:37:33,283 --> 00:37:35,108
what is your gimmick?
900
00:37:35,133 --> 00:37:37,471
- My...?
- Your persona.
901
00:37:37,496 --> 00:37:39,081
- Your Sophie.
- Oh.
902
00:37:39,106 --> 00:37:41,608
I don't have a persona. I'm just me.
903
00:37:41,652 --> 00:37:44,196
Oh, no, no, no, that will not work.
904
00:37:44,253 --> 00:37:46,547
- It won't?
- No. No one wants that.
905
00:37:46,888 --> 00:37:48,348
I-I've been doing okay.
906
00:37:48,376 --> 00:37:49,698
Downtown.
907
00:37:49,723 --> 00:37:51,933
Honey, you give a downtowner
a swig of gin,
908
00:37:51,958 --> 00:37:54,002
and he'll laugh at a sponge.
909
00:37:54,273 --> 00:37:57,150
The mainstreamers,
the people from Pacoima,
910
00:37:57,279 --> 00:38:00,824
the people who buy the dish soap
and the dog food,
911
00:38:01,019 --> 00:38:05,280
who pay for the Modigliani's...
They want a character.
912
00:38:05,332 --> 00:38:08,056
But... Bob Hope
doesn't have a character.
913
00:38:08,081 --> 00:38:09,648
Lenny Bruce doesn't have a character.
914
00:38:09,673 --> 00:38:12,425
They have dicks. Do you have a dick?
915
00:38:13,391 --> 00:38:14,616
Not last time I checked.
916
00:38:14,658 --> 00:38:16,337
Darling, look at you.
917
00:38:16,362 --> 00:38:19,468
I mean, really...
Men don't want to laugh at you.
918
00:38:19,493 --> 00:38:20,995
They want to fuck you.
919
00:38:21,093 --> 00:38:23,095
You can't go up there and be a woman.
920
00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:24,886
You've got to be a thing.
921
00:38:24,911 --> 00:38:26,652
You want to get ahead in comedy?
922
00:38:26,778 --> 00:38:28,905
Cover up that hole.
923
00:38:29,446 --> 00:38:31,139
Another macaroon, miss?
924
00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:32,815
No, thank you, Dawes.
925
00:38:32,868 --> 00:38:35,287
You're learning.
926
00:38:37,206 --> 00:38:40,534
So... you got the grand tour?
927
00:38:40,689 --> 00:38:42,127
My feet hurt, we walked so much.
928
00:38:42,152 --> 00:38:44,093
I love that you love kitchens.
929
00:38:44,140 --> 00:38:45,679
- I do.
- Mm.
930
00:38:45,704 --> 00:38:47,790
You should visit yours sometime.
It misses you.
931
00:38:47,883 --> 00:38:49,718
Oh, and you have macaroons
to take home.
932
00:38:50,219 --> 00:38:51,596
This was very nice.
933
00:38:51,621 --> 00:38:52,906
- Mm.
- Thank you, Sophie.
934
00:38:52,931 --> 00:38:54,783
I have a feeling
we're going to be seeing a lot
935
00:38:54,808 --> 00:38:56,185
of each other in the future.
936
00:38:56,263 --> 00:38:57,765
I hope so.
937
00:38:57,790 --> 00:38:59,708
Well, good luck tomorrow night.
938
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:02,374
Say hello to Harry and make him laugh.
939
00:39:02,537 --> 00:39:03,972
- I will do my best.
- Mm.
940
00:39:03,997 --> 00:39:05,457
Your coat, miss.
941
00:39:05,581 --> 00:39:07,458
What is that?
942
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:08,991
That is my coat.
943
00:39:09,016 --> 00:39:11,176
That flimsy thing? It's freezing out.
944
00:39:11,229 --> 00:39:13,696
Uh-uh. Jenkins?
945
00:39:14,875 --> 00:39:18,040
A fat suit is very warm, by the way.
946
00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,943
This was really not necessary.
947
00:39:24,968 --> 00:39:27,236
Miss Lennon was unhappy with your coat.
948
00:39:27,261 --> 00:39:28,541
How should I get it back to her?
949
00:39:28,566 --> 00:39:30,808
She's worn it twice. It's yours now.
950
00:39:30,833 --> 00:39:32,243
Do you need a car?
951
00:39:32,268 --> 00:39:34,478
No. Thank you, Dawes.
952
00:39:34,916 --> 00:39:36,302
This has been a gas.
953
00:39:36,327 --> 00:39:38,913
It has, miss. Good-bye.
954
00:40:06,764 --> 00:40:09,309
- Goot Shabbos, Abraham.
- Goot Shabbos, Chaim.
955
00:40:09,336 --> 00:40:10,838
Where are the ladies?
956
00:40:10,863 --> 00:40:12,781
A very good question, Chaim.
957
00:40:15,085 --> 00:40:17,069
Abraham...
958
00:40:17,217 --> 00:40:19,761
come close, please!
959
00:40:21,324 --> 00:40:23,701
The rabbi has a cold.
960
00:40:26,078 --> 00:40:28,497
Thank you, Chaim.
961
00:40:38,716 --> 00:40:42,249
Everyone please join me
as we welcome the Sabbath
962
00:40:42,274 --> 00:40:46,454
with Lecha Dodi, page 137.
963
00:40:58,540 --> 00:41:00,060
Where's Miriam?
964
00:41:00,084 --> 00:41:01,832
Where's Miriam? Where were you?
965
00:41:01,857 --> 00:41:03,991
You're going to answer
my question with a question?
966
00:41:04,016 --> 00:41:06,107
If not here, where?
967
00:41:12,813 --> 00:41:14,254
Sorry I'm late.
968
00:41:14,279 --> 00:41:16,319
- What is that?
- What?
969
00:41:16,344 --> 00:41:18,221
That. What are you wearing?
970
00:41:18,261 --> 00:41:19,596
Oh, just...
971
00:41:19,850 --> 00:41:21,435
Long story. What page are we on?
972
00:41:21,460 --> 00:41:23,796
- 137.
- Well, tell me the story.
973
00:41:24,147 --> 00:41:26,614
- What?
- Tell me the story. I want to know.
974
00:41:26,709 --> 00:41:28,309
I borrowed it, okay?
I borrowed the coat.
975
00:41:28,334 --> 00:41:30,469
- Let's talk after.
- No. Let's talk now.
976
00:41:30,521 --> 00:41:31,652
Mama, shh.
977
00:41:31,697 --> 00:41:33,782
Don't "shh" me!
Don't you ever "shh" me!
978
00:41:33,815 --> 00:41:35,746
- Tell me where you got the fur coat!
- Rose.
979
00:41:35,771 --> 00:41:38,139
- Mama!
- What? Marshall Field?
980
00:41:38,230 --> 00:41:40,230
The label says "Marshall Field."
That's in Chicago.
981
00:41:40,254 --> 00:41:41,727
- When were you in Chicago?
- Shh!
982
00:41:41,752 --> 00:41:43,552
- What about Marshall Field?
- Not now, Chaim.
983
00:41:43,577 --> 00:41:44,756
Why do you have a fur coat?
984
00:41:44,781 --> 00:41:46,728
Really, we are ruining "Lecha Dodi."
985
00:41:46,753 --> 00:41:47,872
Well, I think I deserve
986
00:41:47,897 --> 00:41:50,232
to know some fucking thing,
don't I, Miriam?
987
00:41:50,393 --> 00:41:52,475
I mean, don't I deserve
to know anything?
988
00:41:52,645 --> 00:41:54,150
Rose, look where we are.
989
00:41:54,175 --> 00:41:56,335
I mean, I clearly, didn't
deserve to know that Abe knew
990
00:41:56,359 --> 00:41:57,909
that your husband came back, right?
991
00:41:57,934 --> 00:41:59,774
I clearly didn't deserve
to know that the thing
992
00:41:59,799 --> 00:42:01,319
I'd been waiting for all these months,
993
00:42:01,343 --> 00:42:03,414
the reconciliation
of Ethan's mother and father...
994
00:42:03,439 --> 00:42:05,859
I-I-I, what, didn't deserve
to know that that happened.
995
00:42:05,884 --> 00:42:08,656
Okay, fine! I get that!
That's life, but the least
996
00:42:08,681 --> 00:42:10,068
you can do, Miriam, is tell me
997
00:42:10,093 --> 00:42:12,205
where you got the Goddamn fur coat!
998
00:42:21,736 --> 00:42:24,197
You see?
999
00:42:43,931 --> 00:42:46,010
How you doing, Harry?
Can I get you anything?
1000
00:42:46,035 --> 00:42:47,828
Some ventilation would be nice.
1001
00:42:47,882 --> 00:42:49,642
I know you're anxious
to get the show started
1002
00:42:49,666 --> 00:42:51,459
before your stool softener kicks in.
1003
00:42:51,543 --> 00:42:54,254
Appreciated. You know, there's
a lot of energy in this room.
1004
00:42:54,413 --> 00:42:55,514
It's impressive.
1005
00:42:55,539 --> 00:42:57,416
We were turning people away out there.
1006
00:42:57,471 --> 00:42:59,515
Thanks for this, Harry. Really.
1007
00:42:59,789 --> 00:43:02,501
- I'm gonna go check on my girl.
- Go. Be a manager.
1008
00:43:02,997 --> 00:43:04,378
Hey, Jerry.
1009
00:43:04,403 --> 00:43:06,405
- Where's Midge?
- She's in the men's.
1010
00:43:06,505 --> 00:43:08,924
What is she doing in the men's?
1011
00:43:10,910 --> 00:43:13,538
- Occupied!
- It's me!
1012
00:43:14,172 --> 00:43:15,297
Come on in.
1013
00:43:15,322 --> 00:43:16,802
What are you doing in the men's room?
1014
00:43:16,826 --> 00:43:18,690
Getting ready.
The women's room was disgusting.
1015
00:43:18,771 --> 00:43:20,183
Jackie, how disgusting
is the women's room
1016
00:43:20,207 --> 00:43:21,876
that the men's room is less disgusting?
1017
00:43:21,901 --> 00:43:23,945
I don't know.
I don't go in the women's room.
1018
00:43:23,970 --> 00:43:25,555
Must be foul, though.
1019
00:43:26,055 --> 00:43:28,076
You ready? Crowd is clamoring.
1020
00:43:28,101 --> 00:43:29,822
I am ready.
1021
00:43:30,624 --> 00:43:32,504
So I was thinking
you should go back to starting
1022
00:43:32,528 --> 00:43:33,879
with the stuff
about your parents first.
1023
00:43:33,903 --> 00:43:35,743
Then go to your work stuff...
like you used to.
1024
00:43:35,767 --> 00:43:37,855
- I was thinking the same thing.
- Mm. Simpatico.
1025
00:43:37,922 --> 00:43:39,211
So simpatico.
1026
00:43:39,381 --> 00:43:40,962
Jackie, do your thing.
1027
00:43:41,004 --> 00:43:43,548
Okay, I'm going back with Harry.
Break a leg.
1028
00:43:43,757 --> 00:43:45,078
You ready, Amanda?
1029
00:43:45,110 --> 00:43:47,320
Amanda is ready.
1030
00:43:49,846 --> 00:43:51,890
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1031
00:43:51,932 --> 00:43:54,393
Don't applaud me. I'm nobody.
1032
00:43:54,434 --> 00:43:56,144
Applaud the young lady coming up.
1033
00:43:56,186 --> 00:43:58,139
She has been killing it
these past few weeks
1034
00:43:58,164 --> 00:43:59,795
right here at the Gaslight.
1035
00:43:59,820 --> 00:44:02,782
And tonight, you are witnessing
a very special showcase.
1036
00:44:02,857 --> 00:44:06,778
So give it up for our own
homegrown girl: Amanda Gleason!
1037
00:44:09,177 --> 00:44:11,701
Okay, okay.
1038
00:44:11,743 --> 00:44:14,218
Guess the checks I wrote
to all of you have cleared.
1039
00:44:14,243 --> 00:44:15,661
Good to know.
1040
00:44:15,686 --> 00:44:18,041
Stop it. Stop it.
1041
00:44:18,418 --> 00:44:19,751
Oh, stop.
1042
00:44:19,809 --> 00:44:22,687
- She glows, this girl.
- That she does.
1043
00:44:24,136 --> 00:44:25,937
You ever think
about your parents having sex?
1044
00:44:27,895 --> 00:44:29,967
Yeah. Yeah, even Freud is like,
1045
00:44:29,992 --> 00:44:31,712
"You know what?
I'm gonna pass on that one."
1046
00:44:32,283 --> 00:44:33,550
But I was at my parents' house
1047
00:44:33,575 --> 00:44:37,370
one morning recently,
and I heard this sound.
1048
00:44:47,054 --> 00:44:48,905
This scraping noise.
1049
00:44:49,380 --> 00:44:52,486
So I went into their bedroom,
and there were my parents,
1050
00:44:52,519 --> 00:44:55,370
struggling to separate the twin beds.
1051
00:45:02,936 --> 00:45:05,257
You know, I'm gonna give my
parents' sex life a night off.
1052
00:45:05,319 --> 00:45:08,406
I'm gonna give my mother
a night off... from me,
1053
00:45:08,508 --> 00:45:10,260
from my mind.
1054
00:45:10,598 --> 00:45:12,382
Wouldn't that be nice? What do you say?
1055
00:45:12,509 --> 00:45:15,140
Yeah, what do you think?
1056
00:45:16,261 --> 00:45:18,962
No. I-I... I love my mother,
I really do.
1057
00:45:18,987 --> 00:45:22,790
I just, I wish that sometimes
she would just... relax,
1058
00:45:22,877 --> 00:45:24,528
not worry about things.
1059
00:45:24,553 --> 00:45:26,013
I-I mean, it's not her fault.
1060
00:45:26,069 --> 00:45:28,571
She just wants everything
to be perfect.
1061
00:45:29,420 --> 00:45:32,449
No, no, she wants everything
to seem perfect,
1062
00:45:32,856 --> 00:45:34,993
to look perfect.
1063
00:45:35,616 --> 00:45:38,663
She's like a Jewish Dorian Gray.
1064
00:45:38,705 --> 00:45:42,369
She's so focused on me,
1065
00:45:42,394 --> 00:45:45,314
and I don't understand it,
because so what if I work?
1066
00:45:45,708 --> 00:45:47,981
So what if I get divorced?
1067
00:45:48,006 --> 00:45:49,966
So what if I'm alone?
1068
00:45:50,008 --> 00:45:55,055
Why do women care about how
people look at them or see them?
1069
00:45:55,352 --> 00:45:56,711
All women.
1070
00:45:56,736 --> 00:45:59,441
Beautiful women, successful women.
1071
00:45:59,655 --> 00:46:01,490
Yeah.
1072
00:46:01,575 --> 00:46:03,201
Do you know Sophie Lennon?
1073
00:46:03,243 --> 00:46:05,282
Sure.
1074
00:46:05,365 --> 00:46:06,866
Sure, yeah, everyone does.
1075
00:46:07,068 --> 00:46:09,754
Queen of vaudeville, conquered radio.
1076
00:46:09,779 --> 00:46:11,573
She is a comedy icon.
1077
00:46:11,598 --> 00:46:13,224
But you know what?
1078
00:46:13,325 --> 00:46:16,119
You don't know the great Sophie Lennon.
1079
00:46:16,234 --> 00:46:17,736
This is part of her act?
1080
00:46:17,903 --> 00:46:19,154
She's a little off book here.
1081
00:46:19,179 --> 00:46:20,973
I got to go to her house.
1082
00:46:20,998 --> 00:46:23,417
Sidebar... it's not in Queens!
1083
00:46:23,819 --> 00:46:25,219
In fact, calling that thing a house
1084
00:46:25,243 --> 00:46:27,622
is like calling the Vatican a church.
1085
00:46:28,994 --> 00:46:31,872
I mean, this woman drips wealth,
you know?
1086
00:46:31,903 --> 00:46:34,223
Like, if she had been around
during the Russian Revolution,
1087
00:46:34,281 --> 00:46:37,151
the Bolsheviks would've told
the Romanovs, "Ah, never mind."
1088
00:46:37,379 --> 00:46:38,899
"Take your diamonds, take your crowns.
1089
00:46:38,923 --> 00:46:40,490
We got Sophie Lennon. That'll do us."
1090
00:46:40,515 --> 00:46:43,100
And her poor staff.
1091
00:46:43,183 --> 00:46:45,560
I have a feeling
that when company leaves,
1092
00:46:45,675 --> 00:46:48,344
that's when her butlers
and maids do their real jobs...
1093
00:46:48,573 --> 00:46:50,700
Polishing her silver and her ego.
1094
00:46:52,189 --> 00:46:55,132
- What the fuck?
- Fat Sophie Lennon.
1095
00:46:55,157 --> 00:46:57,534
Right? "Put that on your plate!"
1096
00:46:59,344 --> 00:47:03,174
Well, guess what?
It's a fucking fat suit.
1097
00:47:03,220 --> 00:47:04,607
What?
1098
00:47:04,632 --> 00:47:06,848
And there is nothing on her plate.
1099
00:47:06,873 --> 00:47:08,206
I ate with her.
1100
00:47:08,231 --> 00:47:10,495
All she did was suck a lemon
down to the rind,
1101
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,607
and when I had the audacity
to take a bite of a cookie,
1102
00:47:13,632 --> 00:47:15,676
she made me feel like I'd splashed her
1103
00:47:15,701 --> 00:47:17,078
with a cup of syphilis.
1104
00:47:19,945 --> 00:47:22,113
You know, she gave me a piece of advice
1105
00:47:22,255 --> 00:47:24,419
right there in the Blue Room.
1106
00:47:24,622 --> 00:47:28,209
She told me
that no one would find me funny
1107
00:47:28,234 --> 00:47:31,424
unless I do some big,
whackadoodle character,
1108
00:47:31,551 --> 00:47:33,177
or have a dick.
1109
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:35,445
"Sophie Lennon!"
1110
00:47:35,614 --> 00:47:39,408
Really? You're gonna sit in
your million-dollar townhouse,
1111
00:47:39,433 --> 00:47:41,356
on some chair that's historical
1112
00:47:41,381 --> 00:47:43,520
because the Mad King George
got the trots on it,
1113
00:47:43,545 --> 00:47:45,589
and tell me
that men won't think I'm funny
1114
00:47:45,614 --> 00:47:47,783
because I don't look like a dump truck?
1115
00:47:49,417 --> 00:47:52,577
Why do women have to pretend to
be something that they're not?
1116
00:47:52,645 --> 00:47:53,765
Right.
1117
00:47:53,789 --> 00:47:57,019
Why do we have to pretend to be
stupid when we're not stupid?
1118
00:47:57,044 --> 00:47:59,129
- Yeah!
- Why do we have to pretend
1119
00:47:59,154 --> 00:48:01,219
to be helpless when we're not helpless?
1120
00:48:02,276 --> 00:48:04,267
Why do we have to pretend to be sorry
1121
00:48:04,292 --> 00:48:06,657
when we have nothing to be sorry about?
1122
00:48:06,761 --> 00:48:09,001
Amen! -WOMAN 2: Right!
1123
00:48:09,025 --> 00:48:12,472
Why do we have to pretend we're
not hungry when we're hungry?
1124
00:48:12,497 --> 00:48:14,584
Fuck you, Sophie!
1125
00:48:14,625 --> 00:48:16,710
Put that on your plate!
1126
00:48:19,377 --> 00:48:21,228
Harry, wait.
1127
00:48:22,262 --> 00:48:24,330
- Harry!
- Let them not eat cake.
1128
00:48:24,446 --> 00:48:26,365
Please.
1129
00:48:26,927 --> 00:48:28,187
Harry, wait. Let me explain.
1130
00:48:28,212 --> 00:48:30,254
You're dead in this business.
You hear me?
1131
00:48:30,279 --> 00:48:32,407
You double-cross me,
you don't come back.
1132
00:48:32,489 --> 00:48:34,158
I told you she was spontaneous.
1133
00:48:34,183 --> 00:48:36,818
Do you have any idea what
it means to be on my bad side?
1134
00:48:36,843 --> 00:48:39,012
- I don't want to be on your bad side.
- This town
1135
00:48:39,037 --> 00:48:41,014
is gonna become
a very uncomfortable place
1136
00:48:41,039 --> 00:48:42,416
for you two, Susie.
1137
00:48:42,441 --> 00:48:44,097
Fucking count on it.
1138
00:48:45,003 --> 00:48:46,983
...Sophie and my mother.
1139
00:48:47,479 --> 00:48:49,323
Now there's a pair.
1140
00:48:49,511 --> 00:48:51,346
Let's get those two together.
1141
00:48:51,448 --> 00:48:54,576
Maybe my mother will move into
Sophie's unoccupied kitchen
1142
00:48:54,601 --> 00:48:57,938
and together they can eat
lemon wedges for eternity!
1143
00:48:59,628 --> 00:49:04,860
As long as the lemons are
the best lemons in the world.
1144
00:49:05,060 --> 00:49:06,677
Oh, I'm just getting started here.
1145
00:49:06,702 --> 00:49:09,372
You don't have anywhere to go,
do you, guys?
1146
00:49:09,472 --> 00:49:14,472
Synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
84543
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