Original subtitles

Previously on "The Magicians"...

We found a key, too.

The ghost said it has the power

to reveal things that are hidden. I'm a hidden thing.

I'm Hyman.

When I first got stuck in the Astral Plane,

I spent months trying to push things.

I never got anywhere. Until I tried being the thing.

Holy zerts! You did it!

The farmers are hesitant because you're asking them to throw out food

- and replace it with, uh... - Inedible mushrooms.

I got it. I just need it done.

On Earth we tend to meet the people we're gonna marry first.

Surely you've heard of the Tribe of The Floating Mountain.

It is my duty and honor

to take the place of my late brother.

- Why do you have magic? - I don't know.

I'd do anything to get it back.

If I could give it to you, I would.

What if you could?

Whoo. Sorry.

Last I checked, we're looking for a spell,

not starting an eBay store.

There's this old hedge story I once heard

about some sort of electrical transfer

Marina used to steal magic from some poor faun.

People still talk about it.

Just look.

So, you want us to reverse engineer

a hedge witch urban legend using kids' toys?

I mean, aluminum wiring's been scant since the '90s,

so unless you have a better idea.

Do you feel anything?

No.

Go again?

♪ Oh, as long as I know ♪

♪ How to love, I know I'll stay alive ♪

Why did that just turn on by itself?

Oh, my God.

♪ I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ And I'll survive ♪

Give me your hand.

Wait. Stop.

Do not do this.

Did you just use that fish as a doorbell?

I've been trying to warn you guys for, like, an hour.

"Being the fish button" is the first thing

in this entire room that's worked.

- What are you trying to warn us about? - This spell.

I've seen it in person.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Couple months back on a book-stealing job,

I saw a group of magically-starved idiots

do the transfer, and by the end of it,

everyone was on fire.

Trust me. Fogg was right.

It's a bad idea.

Wait a minute. Did you just say Fogg was right?

- Aw, f... - Fuck me.

You have magic.

And you're just now telling me?

Don't take this the wrong way,

but you've been a little drunk.

- And unreliable. - Yes.

I'm drunk, but I am entirely... reliable.

Um, maybe we should get back to Marina's spell.

It wasn't Marina's spell. It's mine.

She stole it from my private collection.

And if any of you had attended my annual colloquia

on prohibited magic, you would know

that its proper name is the Voltaic Transfer.

It is incredibly delicate.

- We... we know that, but... - But what?

But you want to rid yourself

of the one thing we all so desperately want?

- If you understood what... - You understand.

I'm a Magician with no magic.

A dean without a school.

Just a blind, unemployed

black man in America.

Which, shockingly, was actually being kept 38% more tolerant

through a series of enchantments

which have now died.

In case you hadn't noticed or perhaps maybe you weren't

- in a position to need to. - Okay, you're really drunk.

So what?

What does it matter?

Alice, of all people, you should know better

than to attempt this.

You want to blow yourselves up? Is that it?

Um. Just give me one second.

Uh, they'll hold for a day or two,

but then Alice can recharge them.

After we finish the transfer.

I know. Everything is fucked.

- I'm sorry. - It's not your fault.

Julia.

Yeah, well, it's not not my fault, either so.

What you two utter idiots need,

if you don't want to die,

is the flesh of a magical creature

to act as a sort of semiconductor.

A potent energy-drainer. An incubus.

If this is about the whole

marriage not being consummated yet,

don't worry, it'll happen.

Oh, no, no, no. You misunderstand me, my dear.

You see, I've heard a rumor about your advisor,

the Pickwick? Sighted in a certain corridor.

Taking scrapings from the wall.

He's just a compulsive redecorator.

You might be interested to know that we both have been

plotting against our mutual friend.

No idea what you're talking about.

Margo.

You can trust me.

The misguided actions of my son

have soured both sides of our arrangement.

I've acquired a weapon forged in the foundries of Stonehaven.

When the time is right,

we could use it to kill the Fairy Queen.

- Hi. - Oh, hell no.

Move.

Hang your sheets out the window afterwards, dear.

Guards! Guards!

Don't even think about closing it. No!

Guards!

Let me out!

3x06 == Do You Like Teeth? == - Synced and corrected by mielb - - www.addic7ed.com -

I don't give a shit if you have to find someone

to sell those shares short.

I need them today.

So the Incubus is a hedge fund manager?

- Mm-hmm. - Plus 5%.

And not one more cent, you piece of monkey shit.

Just remember what Fogg said.

Be respectful, no matter what.

You got two minutes.

Henry Fogg said that you might be able

to help us power our spell.

Uh, we just... we need to use your thing.

- My what? - Uh, your... your thing.

Your... your business.

- Sorry? - Uh.

Your little friend. Uh, I mean... your big friend.

Well, I'm... I'm sure your friend

is perfectly proportioned to your body.

- I was just saying... - Your penis.

Yep, we need to use your penis to power our spell.

And we know that you need it too.

So that's why we'll build the spell around it.

It'll be completely painless

and should only take a couple minutes.

I can't believe that actually worked!

Wha... what actually worked?

I planted this joke on Fogg 25 years ago.

I had him totally convinced that I had a magic Johnson.

Wait, so you... you don't have a magic...

Of course not.

- That's ridiculous. - No, it's not.

I mean you're an incubus.

Isn't sex, like, your thing?

Gods no.

I don't even like sex.

Stress is a much better way to drain people's energy.

May I?

Oh, and you.

You got a lot of it, I can tell.

Delish.

You give me a few more hits of this,

and I'll give you something

that'll actually power your spell.

- Is that your tail? - Yeah.

Yeah, I grow a new one every spring.

Welcome back.

I see you've misplaced your wife and child.

You'd be shocked how easy it is to misplace people

when your mind's on tax collection and annexation

and unforeseen seafaring... confusion.

I'll immediately sail back out there and find them,

- of course... - No, you won't.

I have a bigger problem I need you to solve.

The Stone Queen has locked Margo and Fomar in the dungeon.

Wait. What? Why?

She thinks it will get the marriage consummated,

but ultimately I need the union officialized

just as much as the Floaters do.

Listen, pro tip.

Let Margo out of there immediately.

You know her. Force isn't going to work.

True. Force may not work.

But the clever coercion on the part of a trusted friend.

I am not going to coerce Margo

into having sex with a 15-year-old.

Have you never heard of statutory rape?

- Fomar isn't a statue. - That is not what...

Forget it.

You will solve this problem for me.

And if I refuse?

I've been searching for a new keepsake.

Several bits will do.

Fine, but I have a feeling Queen Margo

is going to be a little bit difficult.

I know!

You hate me for killing Micah.

Jesus Christ.

It's just in our culture,

younger sons can't marry or inherit property.

Most of us wind up

serving in the Crag Guard or dying in battle.

Is this supposed to make me feel bad for you?

No.

So, do you want to take a break?

Let me touch your maiden peaks?

Do you want me to cut your hands off and have them made

into a decorative, whimsical planter?

How are we supposed to become one flesh

if you won't let me touch you?

- We're not. - But you're my wife.

Oh, please.

You don't need a wife.

You need a pile of socks and a sex-ed class.

What's a sex class? Who... who's Ed?

It's something they make you do on Earth.

It makes you never wanna.

How about I show you?

Vaginas.

The leading cause of death in men.

They spread disease.

They explode during childbirth.

But worst of all, they bleed. Every month.

In fact, mine's doing it right now.

Well, that's okay. I like blood.

But do you like teeth?

Sorry I'm late.

You okay?

Enjoying being a palace guard in your own palace?

This uniform is, like, really sweaty.

Yeah, I know, but it beats

having the Fairy Queen's hand up your ass.

Last thing we need is another puppet king.

Okay, key quest. Hit me.

Uh, okay, so I'm pretty sure that

the fourth key is somewhere

in this stretch of ocean called The Abyss.

Um, it's an uncharted region of Fillory

where it's, like, sort of permanently night.

Um, but, you know, we get to go

on a quest on a magical boat, so it doesn't totally suck.

Uh, yeah. I wish I could.

Believe me, but duty calls a dozen different ways.

- And I can't leave Margo. - Right, of course.

- Sorry. - No.

I was looking forward to going on a boating quest with you.

Who wouldn't?

Uh, think about it. You can take Benedict.

Go be life-partners with someone else for a little bit.

But you'll be able to do the... thing on the prow of a ship

you've been waiting your whole life to do.

- What thing? - You know, the thing.

Sorry. Uh, sorry.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Being on a mission is a hell of an antidepressant.

You notice that, Benedict?

Well, now that you mention it.

We're entering The Abyss, Sire.

It'll be darkness from here on.

Thank you.

So how long until we can keep going?

As soon as we find safe passage, your Majesty.

Is someone out there?

Help!

Is someone out there? Help!

God, I think there's someone out there on a raft.

You okay?

You just saved the shit out of me.

Poppy Kline.

Draconologist, postgraduate fellow, and field researcher

at your service.

Holy shit. You're from Brakebills?

Yeah.

So, Brakebills students are kings and queens now?

Yeah.

Shit. I've been stuck in The Abyss way too long.

How did you end up out here anyway?

Oh, I came with some other students.

Oh. Hey, sorry. I can, um... uh.

Spring Break, Class of 2016?

Didn't turn out so well for us,

but that is a whole other story.

Wait, sorry.

Do you know, um...

If the next two words out of your mouth are "Josh"

and "Hoberman," we just became best friends.

No way. He's still alive?

I mean, as far as I know.

Oh, that's amazing.

So how does a Brakebills student

wind up alone on a raft?

Get a girl a drink. I'll tell you the whole story.

All right.

Your Majesty.

An urgent message from Prince Ess of Loria.

Wasn't Ess in the dungeon?

High Queen Margo let him go

as he was innocent of all charges.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Sorry about that.

I figured out the problem. Humans don't mate in captivity.

What Margo and Fomar need is a honeymoon.

An hour's ride North, there is a forest

with naturally-occurring aphrodisiacs

that's guaranteed to get that marriage consummated.

Fine.

- But if you fail... - I know, I know.

New keepsakes. Fingers, ears.

Try your spleen.

- Okay. - Go.

Fieldwork was my thing at Brakebills, and well, dragons.

Love them.

Wait, so what happened to your ship?

Oh, wrecked.

Off the coast of the Truthwaters.

I spent two years on that little Picket.

And, bam. Over in an instant.

That was three weeks ago.

You survived for three weeks on a raft by yourself?

Yeah, it was rough.

Especially without magic.

Do you know anything about why the hell

- it just went out? - I mean, um...

I just hope someone's fixing it.

That someone is, um, sort of me.

Um, I'm on a... a quest, right, for these golden keys.

Right, so there's seven of them.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Golden keys?

Like...

- Holy shit. How did you... - Short version?

Stole it.

Mid-voyage we wound up on this random island,

just, like, covered in treasure.

A dragon breeding ground which is like...

Spontaneous orgasm.

I mean, places like this are so rare.

There are only two species of dragon

that even build treasure-nests.

Anyway, this was in one of them

with a bunch of cool stuff.

But the thing that got me was

I could feel something coming off it.

- Yeah. - Even now.

It's somehow not dead, right?

And, you know, the dragons were all horny and distracted,

so I just took it.

Just like that?

I'm a person of questionable ethics.

Here.

It's yours, from one quester to another.

Wow. Thank you.

So do you know what it does? I mean, each one

sort of has a unique thing.

I don't know.

- Maybe you can figure it out. - Yeah.

Uh, here's to that.

- You wanna? Yeah. - Oh.

- Okay. - Well, here goes nothing.

Ugh, man, one of your wires is coming loose.

You're gonna kill yourselves!

- Oh, my God. I can't... - Golly Moses.

You're right. They're gonna kill themselves.

Don't you have some shower to go haunt?

Oh, no one's showering right now.

Except Fogg, and he's asleep.

Jesus, that man needs help. Is he all right?

Ah, just a bit zozzled, I think.

He was quite naked.

Remarkably... well-preserved.

Guess it's possible to age gracefully.

Oh, my God.

Fuck, man. I can't watch this.

See? This is what I love about you, Penny.

You act like you don't care,

but really, you care most in this whole story.

Yeah, then... then why is everyone acting

like I'm not a part of it anymore?

Maybe it's time to blouse this popsicle stand.

- You mean, leave? - Why not?

Go... go find a story to watch

that doesn't make you so depressed.

Oh, I think they did it.

I'm having a good time.

You just wait a second, I'm gonna close...

Rise and shine, princess.

Who?

The real question, dipshit, is how you managed

to black out after, what, five drinks?

Why do you always have to embarrass yourself?

I don't...

Okay. Uh...

Seriously.

You hold your liquor like a kindergartner.

Sorry, um, can you... Are you... Are you seeing this?

Nobody cares, dude.

They all have actual jobs, unlike you.

Right, okay.

No problem.

- What the fuck did you do? - Okay, I can explain.

- What is this key? - Just calm down.

- It's all right. - There's another me.

And he's mean, and no one else can see him.

Nothing about this is all right.

Okay, listen. Here's the deal.

- The key does have a power. - No shit.

It takes the darkest parts of you

and makes a... kind of... well, you met it.

It's kind of like a depression monster?

Looks like you, talks like you.

But don't worry, it can't actually hurt you.

- Unless... - Unless?

Unless it gets in your head

and convinces you to hurt yourself.

- Well... - But you'll be fine.

It only affects the last person who touched the key.

So just pass it along to someone else.

- That's what we did. - Who's we?

My former shipmates.

After I stole the key,

we passed it from person to person

until we, you know, ran out of options.

What does that mean, you ran out of options?

Um. Hit an iceberg?

I happened to be holding the key when we sank

'cause the rest of 'em just couldn't handle it.

You have to be, like, a badass about it,

and what can I say?

- They were weak. - Okay, I'm sorry.

Exactly how many of them survived the key before you?

Eh. Maybe, like, half?

This key made half of your shipmates

kill themselves, and you gave it to me?

Yeah. But don't worry.

They were all pretty psychologically damaged already.

You'll be fine. You're so happy and positive.

Mmmm, no. No, no.

I'm not. This is like...

It's like we're on a boat, okay?

This is not how I usually am.

You're usually a wet blanket, self-pitying,

party pooping dickwad.

Shut up!

You better pass that along fast.

What? No! Not if there is a 50%

chance of it killing the next person.

Right, yep. I'll just hold on to it.

Until we get back to Whitespire.

- I can do that. - Your choice.

I mean, we're stuck in The Abyss

till we found our way out.

It could be days. It could be weeks.

Oh, but hey. Don't stress.

- You might be fine. - You won't be.

You know what?

I have come up against you before, asshole.

Maybe a little more subtly, but you and I both know

that I've got a black belt.

So come at me.

The problem is your hair.

I know you're just trying to hide your face,

but it really only makes it worse.

Seriously, have you ever noticed

that your face sort of looks like a foot?

If feet had frown lines?

I mean, you're definitely aging prematurely,

which is a symptom of early-onset Alzheimer's.

Which, funny, both your grandparents had.

And you will definitely get it so then you'll be

a senile frowny foot-face.

Jesus. Fuck.

This is pointless. You can't run me off.

You can't eat me off.

You can't drink me off.

You can't jerk me off.

God, you're so vulgar.

We had a thing going, and you... you made it

unnecessarily gross.

You sick of the shallow, petty stuff?

I get it.

The thing is, I start on the outside,

and I work my way into the core.

The part of you that kept magic from Julia

when you could have helped her,

that is what set her on that path.

You got your best friend sexually assaulted.

And let's talk about what happened to Alice.

You ruined her.

And she is never going to be the girl that she was.

You killed her, and she is never coming back.

How many people have to pay the price for your heroics?

Just stop!

You are willing to destroy everyone around you

to find something that makes you feel okay.

But you are never gonna feel okay.

No, stop. You're trying to get in my head.

Quentin.

I am your head.

You know I'm right because I am you.

- To Mr. and Mrs... - Fomar.

Fomar.

Bottoms up.

Uh, in my culture, the woman always drinks first.

- Drink the wine, Margo. - I don't wanna drink the wine.

What I wanted was for you to handle this, Eliot.

You'll feel better if you just

drink the wine, Margo.

So, um...

Do we have sex in the carriage?

Or do we have sex outside?

- Or do... - I'm not having sex with you.

You psychotic fetus.

Ever.

Either I just killed him with my rage

or you drugged his wine.

And to think...

- You doubted me. - To think.

I just spent three days locked in a dungeon with him.

Okay. Yes, and that sucks.

But we have a problem, possibly much bigger

than sleeping beauty over here.

The fairies are up to something in the Northern Orchards.

They evacuated the villagers weeks ago

and haven't let another human in since.

Except Ess came through on his way from Loria,

and he saw some crazy shit.

Rivers running red, three-eyed fanged toads,

mutant plant life, Chernobyl-level shit.

I think the fairies might be poisoning the ecosystem.

Great, well, now I can't be mad at you.

Thanks.

I know, I wanted to fight, too,

so that we could make up and on the other side of it,

- we could just... - Be us again?

Who are we now, El?

We used to be glamorous,

amazing mega-bitches.

And now?

We have depth and character.

Let's decide... we'll find us again

once we're done saving Fillory.

Duty calls.

Let's go see about these orchards.

Which are...

No longer here.

Nothing is going to save you.

Not Brakebills.

Not Fillory. Not a quest.

Just do it.

Kill yourself.

Make it stop.

You know the way out.

King Quentin, no!

Oh, no, I wasn't. I was just...

- I thought I saw something. - Your Majesty,

if I may, I understand what you're contemplating.

I thought about it too.

Though I've never spoken about it, of course.

Why not?

Well, you know what parents teach you about emotions.

That you should bottle them up and never talk about them

and turn them into, um, maps, for example.

Jesus, Benedict.

Okay, we should talk about this.

If it please you, Sire, but first,

why don't we step away from the edge of the boat?

Yeah. I don't really trust myself right now.

You know, in old days, when sailors would go mad,

the crew would tie them to the mast.

Isn't that funny?

Oh, my God. Tie me to the mast.

- No... no, Your Majesty. - No, do it.

Okay, swear to me, no matter what I say,

that you will not untie me until we get to Whitespire.

Very well. I won't.

Thank you.

It worked.

Thank you.

Oh. I see the transfer worked.

It's still small, I can feel that, but I'm gonna grow it.

I hope you'll be careful.

I will be.

You know that fixing my glasses

won't fix me.

Yeah, but they make all of this

one speck less shitty.

It smells like the fairy realm.

We're so far North.

The climate should be cold and dry, not hot and moist.

Yeah, well, they're such moisture freaks.

All that spritzing and bathing.

You know, it's... it's like they're afraid

to dry out in Fillory or something.

Oh, my God.

The fuckers are terraforming.

They're turning our kingdom into a mushroom steam bath.

- That is not okay. - No.

Definitely not.

That mushroom just moved.

- Really? - Should I pluck it?

I'm... I'm gonna do it.

Mm. Margo, don't.

It's a fairy embryo.

- Really? - These are eggs, El.

I mean, really?

The fairies aren't just terraforming.

They're growing an army.

Oh, fuck.

I think these fairies might actually qualify as Big Bads.

I mean, think about all the crazy shit

they've kept us busy with.

Earthworms, adolescent slug mash, turtle semen.

This is all just a thin frosting of whimsy

on a cupcake of conspiracy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is a full-scale invasion.

We need a plan bigger than just assassinating the Queen.

We need... we need... we need... we need... we need...

We need... Margo?

Margo?

Kidnapping. Hostages. Leverage.

- Don't ask questions, go! Go! - What the fuck?

Go, go!

It's a bitch, right?

Imagine being stuck on a raft with that thing.

Have you tried distracting it?

For some reason, mine was really into seagulls.

Wonder if that's because I'm into seagulls?

Please, fuck off.

Look, I'm sorry I passed you the key.

I really thought you could handle it.

This is me handling it.

No, no, you're right.

I wish we'd thought of tying ourselves up.

That first day, we passed it around randomly.

That killed three of us off quick.

Called it Bloody Tuesday.

We figured out it affects some people right away.

Others, it takes time to wear down.

You want me to take the key for a while? Give you some relief?

No.

I don't trust you not to pass it on to someone else.

And I need it.

- For the quest. - Fine.

Be a suffer-martyr.

Look, the keys don't just make you suffer.

They help sometimes, too.

Like with the keyholes and shit like that.

Keyholes, like...

Like in the walls or clocks.

Don't ask me how it works.

So... so where do the keyholes go?

To Earth or the Neitherlands or wherever.

Wait, wait. Are you serious?

Stop it. What are you doing?

I've been stuck here in Fillory this whole time

when I could have gone home?

Hey. No, Poppy, stop it.

Poppy, no. Stop.

Poppy!

I told you you should've killed yourself.

Okay, we just have one outstanding problem.

You kind of still need to fuck your husband.

Don't worry. I got this.

Let's just say Ess was right about the toads in these parts.

- They've got three eyes? - No, baby.

They've got fangs.

Oh! Oh, something bit my manhood.

Congratulations, son. You just had sex.

The first time's always painful.

It's all those teeth they've got down there.

But, hey, you were amazing.

What?

I like to watch.

Wanna go again?

Benedict!

Benedict, help!

- Your Majesty? - Oh, my God, Benedict.

- Okay, untie me. - Sire, you said not to untie you.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Please, come on. Okay, look.

I'm not trying to kill myself.

Poppy took the key, and she is trying

to use it to get back to Earth.

Just... okay, go find her yourself.

Just whatever you do, do not let her leave with that key.

Yes, Your Majesty.

God.

No! Stop!

- Hey, did you get it? - I'm sorry, Your Majesty.

I'm a terrible failure.

Okay. It's okay.

We'll get the key back somehow.

Benedict.

Hey, hey. Benedict.

Whoa, Benedict, no. Hey, listen.

Whatever it's telling you to do, do not do it.

I'm sorry.

Benedict, no!

Mm. Yummy.

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

♪ I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ And I'll survive, hey, hey ♪

Penny, what's wrong?

- Just saying goodbye. - What?

Goodbye? Where are you going?

Just away.

Away... wait.

Fuck, I hate this thing. Um. I don't understand.

Is this because of what happened with Kady?

- No. - Okay.

Is it because we did the transfer?

No. Look, I gotta go.

Wait, will you just talk to me for a second?

You know what, we barely know each other.

Don't suddenly act like you care just 'cause I'm going.

I'm not acting.

I do care. I don't want to see you go. I don't want to see you give up.

- Give up? - Yeah.

You're the one who had magic, and you gave it away.

What's your plan? Go back to law school?

Live off your trust fund?

Actually, no, my plan was to take five minutes

and try to remember what life was like

without a god or a quest.

Or some dead asshole bothering me.

And, I don't know, frankly beyond that,

it's none of your business.

'Cause you have nothing beyond that.

Penny wants to say goodbye.

- You're leaving? - I can't do this anymore.

I can't be a ghost person in my own life, okay?

Why don't I just make you a new body?

Like Mayakovsky did for me.

A-plus job

getting rid of me, gorgeous.

Is this just a dream?

That time you fell out of a tree when you were 12.

The bone in your arm healed in six little weeks.

How come your fear of heights never did?

I'm not the bone.

I'm the terror.

I do love how you keep trying.

And trying. And trying.

I have not been punched

that hard since Burning Man.

Where is he? Where did he go?

Why does it smell like barbeque?

Benedict is dead, and best-case-scenario,

the dragon shits the key into the bottom of the ocean.

- Um, Quentin. - Don't talk to me.

- Please, I mean it. - Okay.

Just... Just one thing

and I swear I will never talk to you again.

What?

Dragons don't shit.

Okay, great, fun fact. Thanks.

No one knows exactly how it works,

but what they ingest goes elsewhere.

They're gatekeepers, you know?

They don't just make portals.

They are portals.

So, actual best-case-scenario...

The key went to the Underworld.

- Mm. - Oh, my God.

If you're here, I'm practicing

an Osseus Confervium. Bone-knitting.

First step to building a new body.

I know you can't see me, but I'm here.

Thanks for giving a shit about me.

Alice?

Alice, you okay? Alice?

God, Alice. Alice!

God, this is... where's...

Alice!

Okay, okay, God. Come on.

Come on, someone's got to hear this, please.

♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪

♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪

♪ I've got all my life to live ♪

♪ I've got all my love to give ♪

♪ And I'll survive, hey, hey ♪

- Synced and corrected by mielb - - www.addic7ed.com -