Original subtitles

- Your name? - Brown.

- Are you sure it isn't Smith or Jones? - No, no, Brown.

Ignatius Brown. After St Ignatius Loyola, you understand.

Ig... natius... Brown.

You are charged that, at 3am on 7th August,

you were on enclosed premises for a burglarious purpose.

Oh, no, quite the reverse. You see, I was there for a non-burglarious purpose.

One of my parishioners, whose name my duty forbids me to tell you, committed the burglary.

I prevailed upon him to let me uncommit it.

When these gentlemen arrived,

I was in the process of restoring the swag.

I believe that's what it's called? Swag?

You'd better explain all that to the court in the morning. Empty your pockets, please.

- One watch. - One watch.

- One box of matches. - One box of matches.

- One piece of string. - One piece of string.

- One shilling, silver. Two pennies, bronze. - One shilling, silver. Two pennies, bronze.

- One Bible. - One breviary.

One book.

- One bar of milk chocolate. - One bar of milk chocolate.

Your glasses, please.

Oh, is that really necessary?

I'm as blind as a bat without them.

Though I often wonder whether all bats are really blind,

any more than all lords are drunk or all judges sober.

This way, please.

Would it be possible to return me the bar of chocolate?

I had no dinner.

Pax um biscum.

I've never been in a cell before.

Except a monastery cell, of course.

Mm-hm. Right. Hold on a sec.

Get me "known to operate disguised as clergymen", will you?

Then there's Alfred Baggs, alias Father O'Hara.

Specialises in door-to-door collection for missionary work.

Height, 6'3". Saintly type, silvery hair.

No good?

Wilfred Llewellyn. Oh, no, he won't do.

Went down for three years last month.

Jimmy Telford, specialises in picking pockets on racecourses.

Open-air, country parson type, you know. Dog collar and tweeds.

No good? Well, I'm sorry, old man, I can't help you.

- What alias is he using? - Brown.

- Brown? - What's funny?

I'm sorry, old man. I think you've got the genuine article.

Father Brown. He's an odd one. Amateur detective.

Take my advice, old man. Get him identified.

Father Brown.

Monsignor. Sorry. So sorry to have disturbed you.

You will be even sorrier by the time the Bishop has heard of this.

You identify this person as Father Brown?

I regret to say... yes.

Will you sign there, please?

- Would you care to have a cup of tea? - I would, but I haven't time.

Thank you for your hospitality.

It's been most interesting.

Father... You in trouble, Father?

I'm disappointed in you, Bert.

- I'm sorry, Father, it was... - Firstly because you did wrong.

Secondly, because you did wrong in the wrong way.

Frankly, you are an incompetent thief.

- Well, I wouldn't go that far. - I would.

You are clearly incapable of earning a dishonest living.

Why not experiment with an honest one?

You don't know what you're asking.

I think I do. Can you drive a car?

Me drive a car? I drove the boys when they done Asprey's.

Up Bond Street, down Bruton Street, ditched the car on Adam's Row,

then back to Hounslow by tube. Can I drive a car!

Because a friend of mine needs a chauffeur.

I'd think about it if I were you.

Of course, I'm not you.

- Sold. - Good.

Perhaps you think a crime horrible because you cannot imagine yourselves committing it.

That isn't true, you know.

What really horrifies you

is the secret and shameful knowledge that you are capable of committing it.

We all are, I no less than you.

We were not made good people or bad people.

We were made people.

A great man once said of a poor creature going to execution,

"There but for the grace of God go I."

That grace is infinite.

It is there for the forgetful child.

It is there for the wealthy,

who surround themselves with luxury but cut themselves off from human contacts.

It is there for all of us,

for God abandons no-one.

But though his mercy is there for us to accept,

we must not presume on it.

Or, as my text from Jeremiah tells us,

"He that maketh haste to be rich,

shall not go unpunished. "

"He that maketh haste to be rich...

shall not go unpunished. "

- Sorry. - What for?

For intruding.

You always stop to look at it.

It belonged to St Augustine.

It has a strange feeling...

...over 12 centuries.

It's really beautiful.

- Is it valuable? - No.

Not valuable.

Priceless.

It is more than two years now since your husband died.

- Yes. - He wouldn't have wished you

to have mourned so long, you know.

I suppose not.

Each day, I tell myself that tomorrow I will forget.

And each tomorrow...

Oh, you have a new chauffeur.

- But he... - Smashing good sermon today, Father.

Thank you, Bert. And an interesting text, didn't you think?

I must warn you, Lady Warren, he was once nearly arrested.

For speeding.

All right?

That's one of the neatest donkey's whistles I ever seen.

Father Brown.

Brawling, and on Sunday.

Sunday's the only day Charlie finds it convenient to give me instruction.

Well, I'm down at the track weekdays, see?

A not unprofitable occupation, you will observe.

Done like a master.

The Father would have made a wonderful oyster if he'd started young enough.

- Oyster? - Pickpocket.

Be that as it may, the Bishop wishes to see you at once.

And furthermore, I think he would prefer to see you correctly dressed for the occasion.

Of course. It won't take a moment.

You may show in Inspector Wilkins.

My lord, before the Inspector arrives, that unfortunate incident with the police...

Has been forgotten. You are here to discuss an incident

which has not yet arisen but which is likely to arise.

Now, you will undoubtedly have read that the Eucharistic Congress meets next week in Rome.

- Yes. - We have decided to send to the Congress

the Holy Cross of St Augustine.

My cross? How nice!

Not entirely.

The Inspector informs us an eminent criminal proposes to intercept the cross en route.

That's right. Gustav Flambeau.

Flambeau? Oh, not Flambeau!

- You know him? - I know of him. Who doesn't know of him?

He stole the El Greco from the Louvre in broad daylight.

He's been stealing priceless treasures for ten years.

The police don't even know what he looks like.

He's a human chameleon, a master of disguise, you might say. Oh, I would like to meet him.

The purpose of this interview is to frustrate such an encounter.

The Inspector will outline his plan to you.

At 0930 hours on Friday next,

the cross will be collected by Humber car.

The driver will sign the name Wheatley. The car will then go to London Airport.

West Road... roundabout... lorry pulled up...

No, no.

- Father Brown, are you all right? - Baggage, jostle.

Switch...

- No, no. - Father Brown...

Oh, no, no. Won't do at all. Not at all.

You see, I have just stolen the cross.

You have stolen the cross?

In three different ways.

In imagination, I forgot to say.

So if I, an amateur, can steal the cross in three ways,

only think what Flambeau might do.

- A police escort is out of the question. - Look here...

Don't you see? All this paraphernalia, police cars, codenames, can only attract his attention.

Then what would you, as an amateur, suggest?

Where would a wise man hide a leaf?

In a forest.

Where would a wise man hide a cross?

In a forest of crosses.

We have a forest ready-made for us.

A forest of priests - a black forest, you might say.

Each carrying his cross and all on their way to Rome.

I will take the cross. The only safe way to do it.

One priest, indistinguishable among hundreds,

carrying one cross undetectable among hundreds.

I think the security arrangements had better stand.

- I think so. - My lord...

...this is lunacy.

You will be good enough to leave matters in the lunatic hands of the Inspector and myself.

Scotland Yard will continue to inform you of our further insane decisions.

Meanwhile, good morning.

Silly of me.

No, it was very sensible of me.

Codenames, police cars...

Thank you. All aboard, please, Father.

The train's about to leave. Thank you very much.

Come on, gentlemen, the train is about to leave.

Would you mind? Thank you.

Thank you. Thanks very much. All aboard, there. That's right.

Come on. Ah, gentlemen, please. Go on.

Keep going, Your Eminence.

- You'll make it in a photo finish. - Pax um biscum.

Come on, now, in you get.

You're going to miss it. Go on, now. In you go, in you go.

That's a good boy.

Two...

Ah, three.

Oh, dear. Only three.

- Four? - Thank you so much.

- Don't mention it. - I'm afraid I dropped it.

- You did. - Somewhere else, I mean.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

- Can I put those up on the rack for you, Father? - No, no, thank you.

- I believe you dropped this, old fellow. - Oh, thank you.

- Expecting bad weather? - No, no, just a habit.

It'll be a rough crossing.

- The notice board at Victoria said smooth. - Rough. This barometer has never failed me.

It belonged to Admiral Lord Nelson.

The surest precaution against sea sickness is two lightly boiled eggs

and a half bottle of champagne.

Go up now, look toward the sea.

I Kings, 18:43.

And it came to pass and meanwhile...

...That the heaven was black with clouds and wind and there was a great rain.

Might get a bit choppy further out.

I'm... afraid...

I must go and share the sufferings of our brethren.

Two lightly boiled eggs and half a bottle of champagne. Oh, dear!

Admiral Lord Nelson himself was sick every time he went to sea.

You're a good sailor, Father.

I don't know yet. I've never been out of England before.

But I took the precaution of having no breakfast.

On the principle that what doesn't go down can't come up, eh?

- Going to Rome on business, I suppose? - Our Father's business, yes.

Me too. Arthur Dobson's the name. Motor cars is my game.

Jaguar.

- Lovely car, the Jaguar. - Certainly is.

Always drive one myself.

Though I feel they made a mistake in incorporating a single downdraft carburettor.

Very good in high gear, but makes her sluggish in low.

Nevertheless, beautiful to handle... I've been told.

- You ought to be a salesman, Father. - I suppose I am, in a way.

- But you've got a ready-made market. - I wouldn't say that.

Sometimes I have to sell on the instalment system.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps I should have had some breakfast after all.

- I'll look after those for you. - No, no, no, thank you.

Ta-ta, Father.

You seem disturbed, Father.

By that gentleman. He told me he was a motor salesman.

Well, he looks as if he might be.

What motor salesman would agree that the Jaguar has a single downdraft carburettor?

Keep moving, please.

I'm afraid that particular heresy escapes me.

There never was a model except with twin horizontal automatic choke carburettors, no, no.

- He's not what he pretends to be. - Well, why should that alarm you?

Keep moving, please. Don't block the gangway.

May I take you into my confidence, please?

Then do you think it's possible that Mr Dobson might be the criminal?

More than possible.

- Let me put those on the rack for you. - Is that wise?

There are two of us to guard them now.

A danger shared is a danger halved.

You see, the difficulty is that no-one knows what this criminal looks like.

Any man might be he.

Mon pere, mon pere.

Ha, ha! We meet again!

You do indeed seem beset by the hosts of Midian.

I think we are reasonably safe while in the train, but we have to change trains in Paris.

Not only trains but stations. We'll be there for two hours.

- Two hours, in Paris. - You're not acquainted with Paris?

- Only by repute. - Fortunately, I am.

I was in a Jesuit seminary there for three years.

- If I can be of any assistance... - You are most kind.

Are you familiar with the Paris underground railway?

- Tolerably well. - Splendid.

Then we shall simply go in the smoke.

It's an electrical railway.

I used a criminal expression, meaning to evade one's pursuers.

- Usually, of course, the police. - I see.

A simple but effective ruse, taught me by one of the lambs in my flock.

- A strange flock. - Not strange, just human.

Albert was a dear fellow. Where do you think he is now?

- In prison? - In a monastery.

Life is full of surprises, isn't it?

One never dreams how full.

Inspector Valentine? I am Inspector Dubois of the Surete Nationale.

Superbly done, Father.

How Albert would have admired your skill.

Ah, food at last.

Coffee with milk and a cheese sandwich.

Un cafe au lait et un sandwich fromage,

et pour moi, un cafe noir et un sandwich jambon.

One cheese sandwich, one ham sandwich. OK.

I am afraid Albert would not have admired my skill.

It seems as though Mr Dobson, like the poor, is always with us.

Foolish to take that bus. They would join us immediately.

Yes... as it's only half full.

But if we were to capture the last two seats...

If I may say so, a smoke of an almost Mozartian elegance and simplicity.

Can you see how many seats are left?

11.

Two more in. Nine.

Eight.

Five, and we should prepare to leave.

Mademoiselle...

- Prenez, je vous dois. - Merci.

Four.

Would you look after these, please?

Gardez la monnaie, je vous en prie.

Merci, mon pere.

Police, police! Attendez nous!

Taxi!

Hey! Taxi! Taxi!

Taxi!

Don't the police in France come before a pair of lovers?

In Paris, on a warm afternoon? I'm afraid not.

Ah, courage, mon vieux.

Aux catacombes, en vitesse!

- Allez! Pousse-toi de la, toi. Allez! - Thank you.

You are English.

And why does he arrest you?

And all of us the same. We have done nothing. Nothing!

Sale flic!

You are English. You like some postcards?

This view is very interesting, no?

Good day, good Fathers. Please follow me.

The catacombes were formerly the stone quarries of Paris.

When Paris was rebuilt,

the bones from many churches and cemeteries were transferred here.

It is estimated that the remains of five million human beings are preserved here.

Fascinating. Not even a rat would find us in this maze.

Surete Nationale. Une lampe electrique. Vite, vite!

We're quite certain not to be disturbed here.

Splendid. I've been longing for a quiet little talk with you, Monsieur Flambeau.

How foolish of me to have underestimated you.

If I may ask, how long have you known?

Since the little cafe.

You ordered a ham sandwich.

Oh, really unworthy of you.

A ham sandwich on a Friday?

Up till then, a brilliant masquerade.

You flatter me, Father.

But you puzzle me also. If you knew that I am... who I am...

why, then, have we been escaping from the others?

Well, obviously, if you were Flambeau,

then the others must be the police.

You puzzle me even more. If they were the police,

surely you would have contrived to keep close to them?

Don't you see? If they had caught you then I couldn't have.

And I want you on behalf of a higher authority than they do.

Oh, please!

When I was a child, I was stuffed with religion like a Strasbourg goose with grain.

I have no appetite left.

When you were a child, you understood as a child.

You thought as a child. But now you have become a man.

And you have not put away childish things.

We're wasting each other's time.

That parcel.

Who the devil taught you that?

You don't have to tell me. One of the lambs in your flock.

- Now in a monastery, I suppose? - Oh, no, in a gymnasium.

I wish you'd tell me why you steal.

- Quite frankly, because I enjoy it. - Why do you enjoy it?

Because I do it so well.

Or... usually do.

But why try to steal my poor cross? It isn't worth very much.

- Perhaps I just want to look at it. - Other people do too.

- I don't care about other people. - How terrible for you.

You've stolen priceless things.

The El Greco, the Imperial Crown,

but they're valueless because you cannot hope to sell them.

I do not steal to sell.

You don't understand the difference between price and value.

How strange.

The spiritual man seems to be more material than the material one.

I begin to understand what you are.

I would like to know who you are.

Oh, you're Flambeau, of course.

But who is Flambeau?

That's a secret that must remain between him and me.

Ssh.

Your rats have found their way to the cheese.

There are miles like this. It would take us a week to search thoroughly.

Courage, mon ami.

And my shoes will be ruined.

But one shout from you, your cross would have been saved and I would have been in prison.

You are in prison. The prison of your own arrogance.

I would like to set you free.

Ah, now I begin to understand what you are.

You want me for your private crusade.

It would seem, Father, that in your own way, you are as arrogant as I am.

My compliments to the lamb.

A most effective hold, while it lasted.

Well, on the principle of what goes in must come out,

we'll wait here all day, if necessary.

And now to look at my new toy.

I'm afraid it isn't there.

I took the precaution of switching parcels at the cafe.

Exquisite.

But I shall have to admire it later.

You must realise, Father, to your regret,

that there is a great difference between a good amateur

and a good professional.

I saw you switch parcels, so I simply switched them back.

A tiresome cliche of my profession.

What a pity you waste your talents.

Hardly waste.

Goodbye, Father.

A three-fold cord is not easily broken.

Ecclesiastes, 4:12.

Au revoir, my son.

And God go with you.

You will not be left in discomfort longer than is necessary.

Ah, gardien. Est-ce qu'on a vu deux pretres?

No, have you seen two priests?

One short and fat, the other tall.

Take your choice, monsieur.

Excuse me, gentlemen, but we've reason to believe there's a criminal inside.

Did any of you see anything suspicious while you were in there?

Permettez, monsieur. Permettez, monsieur!

- I heard something. - What? Where?

Third corridor to the right.

Brown paper at the entrance to the cave.

The parcel of Father Brown!

I do not know to what charges your egomaniac folly has laid you open in the criminal courts.

In that respect, I am happy to say that your knowledge is greater than mine.

But I do know you will have to appear before another court in the person of the Archbishop,

who believes your conduct to have been reckless and insubordinate.

You doubtless realise that, in the event of his continuing in this belief,

you will be deprived of your parish.

Oh, dear.

Is it as bad as that?

You'd do well to display more contrition before the Archbishop than you show before me.

My lord, for my failure, I am contrite, but for my intentions I am not and cannot be.

You see, I gambled the cross for the soul of Flambeau.

I like to think St Augustine would have agreed with me.

- I doubt if the Archbishop will agree with you. - I wish he would.

Because I believe that, given time, I could get back both.

Before you can recover Flambeau's soul, you must find his body.

A task which the police of five countries have been trying to achieve for ten years.

- I believe I can succeed. - How?

I don't know yet. But I believe I can.

I am powerless to prevent your appearance before His Eminence.

However, if, before that appearance, you could bring in this harvest...

Oh, thank you.

- When is the appearance? - In two weeks' time.

I'd better start at once.

What progress have you made?

Looking for a black cat in a coal hole during an eclipse of the sun

would be a child's task compared with mine.

You put me in mind of a child's poem:

As I was walking up the stair,

I met a man who wasn't there,

He wasn't there again today,

I wish that he would go away.

I wish that he would come my way.

Don't give up. You've still got nine days.

And don't forget, you're dining with me on Friday.

How many swans are there on the Thames, I wonder?

Shall we say 7,000?

And suppose one of you is Flambeau.

How would I know?

I met a swan who wasn't there.

He wasn't there again today.

But you are here again today, Inspector.

Not by choice.

You'd make things very much easier for us both if you told us what you know of Flambeau.

I cannot tell you what I do not know.

All I know is that he walks upon two legs and that his head grows above his shoulders.

But what goes on inside that head?

You realise an obstruction of the police in the execution of their duty is an offence?

And what of the obstruction you offer me in the execution of my duty?

That is an offence too, Inspector, of a more serious kind.

I want to help a man. To cure him of the sickness in his soul.

You want to put him in prison because of that sickness.

How can I possibly help you?

By telling us what you know of Flambeau.

Otherwise there'll be serious consequences.

Silly fellow. Preposterous.

Really, I'd have much preferred to dine alone.

...suffer fools gladly.

Unless, of course, you tell me what it is you're muttering about.

Suffer fools gladly.

St Paul tells us to suffer fools gladly but sometimes I find it impossible to do.

- Are you, by any chance, referring to me? - No! No, no, no, no.

That silly policeman.

After all, science means no more than knowledge.

A criminal is first and foremost a human being.

If they don't know that, they know nothing.

What would you have them do?

What is it that you do?

I try...

I try to get so far inside a man...

...that I can move his arms and legs.

Think his thoughts.

Wrestle with his passions.

Until, in fact, I become the criminal.

Except for the final consent to the crime.

It is only then that I can sometimes help a man.

But I have utterly failed to become Flambeau.

Or to be able to help him.

Look...

It's by Boudin.

When I look at a picture with so much life, I always find it hard to be depressed.

I'm so glad you agree.

Now you must look at my greatest treasure.

They were created by Benvenuto Cellini - the only set he's ever known to have made.

And this is really beautiful.

Rodin's The Hand Of God.

- Father... - Benvenuto.

Bait.

Fishers of men.

Rodin's The Hand Of God.

The Hand Of God.

Father, are you all right?

Oh, much more than all right.

You see, I have just committed Flambeau's next crime.

- I'm afraid I don't see at all. - Neither did I, at first.

So simple. If Mohammed cannot go to the mountain,

then the mountain must come to Mohammed.

What are you talking about?

Fishing, of course.

Lady Warren, you must put that magnificent chess set up for auction.

This is preposterous. Why, there isn't another one in the world like it.

That's why Flambeau will attempt to steal it.

Now, to make sure the fish becomes aware of the bait...

May I?

Why you should start asking my permission at this stage...

I have many good friends in the newspaper world.

For heaven's sake, tell me, which one of them is he?

Any one of those might be.

- Lady Warren? - Yes?

- Il Conte della Molle. - Yes?

Oh, I'm desolated. You do not remember.

Che peccato! I assure you, when the Cellini Society chose me to bid for this masterpiece,

I thought, whatever happens, at least I shall see Lady Warren again.

- Tell me, have you always worn a beard? - Only for the last 20 years.

Do you remember ever having seen him before?

No. And, indeed, he would be hard to forget.

Surely Flambeau wouldn't draw attention to himself in that way?

That's just the sort of thing he would do. Oh, my word.

- What's the matter? - There's a fish I hadn't expected to hook.

Who? No!

- I can guess. It's your scientific policeman! - Yes.

He seems at least unscientific enough to have understood what you were going to do.

- I'm afraid so. - Lady Warren, ma'am?

I am Sam Judson, out of San Antonio, Texas.

It isn't often we from Texas get a chance to shake a real, live lady by the hand, ma'am.

It isn't often that we in London have the privilege of meeting a real, live Texan.

You sure talk like a lady.

You know, I've come 5,000 miles to buy this set of yours.

- It'll go well down on my ranch. - Will it really?

Yeah, ma'am. I got myself a swell games room.

With solid gold poker chips, solid gold chequers and a solid gold Ping-Pong table.

- And solid gold Ping-Pong balls? - No, ma'am, they wouldn't bounce.

Well, I'd better get set to rope this steer.

I feared for a moment he was going to take my hand back to Texas with him,

even though it isn't made of gold.

I doubt if even Flambeau could have invented him.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, I first present to you Lot No. 1,

a chess set in gold and silver, attributed to Benvenuto Cellini.

Thank you.

If I may remind you of the words of another great master,

"to unite elegance and utility, and blend the useful with the agreeable,

has ever been considered a difficult, but honourable task. "

Thank you.

Thank you.

My apologies, my aeroplane was late.

- Lady Warren. - Yes?

- I have long looked forward to this meeting. - Yes?

Sir Percival and I had many delightful games of chess in Istanbul.

My husband, to my knowledge, was never in Istanbul.

Then it must have been New Delhi. Modern travel is so confusing.

I read the news of your impending sale while I was on safari in Tanganyika yesterday.

The rhinoceros I was about to shoot was spared.

And I hurried to be with you in London today.

I'm surprised that the newspapers could reach you so quickly.

One of my private planes brings me the papers wherever I may be.

How many... private planes have you?

About as many as I have elephants.

I give up.

Now, who will open the bidding for me at L10,000?

$50,000.

I am bid L17,857 two shillings and 10 pence.

I think it would be easier, sir, if we were to conduct the bidding in pounds sterling.

Any advance? I am bid L20,000.

21.

22.

23.

Is that a bid, sir?

Oh, no. No.

Then, it is 23,000, I'm bid.

- 25. - Guineas.

That is the equivalent, sir, of L26,250.

27.

Guineas.

30,000.

- Pounds? - No, them other things.

30,000 guineas, I'm bid.

50.

Guineas?

No... them other things.

L50,000, I'm bid.

The bidding is against you, sir.

It can stay that way.

Tiffany's can make me something bigger and cheaper.

So the bidding rests at L50,000.

Any advance?

Going...

Not going at all.

Going...

Most disappointing.

Gone.

Please accept this little gift for the many delightful games I've played with your husband.

He was a master of the Steinitz Defence.

Well, never mind, it was exciting while it lasted.

It's just beginning to get exciting.

Please, stand back.

- I am sorry, my lady. - Never mind. It wasn't your fault.

Thank you, ma'am.

- It wasn't his fault. - No, it wasn't.

It was mine. I tripped him.

Well, even so, there's no harm done.

None, except that Flambeau has just got away with your chess set.

Then why are we sitting here?

Because he is sitting there.

Lot No. 2. A landscape with animal and human figures by Sir Edwin Landseer.

Will anyone bid me L3?

While we can't see him, he can't see us.

Won't somebody bid me L3?

Lot No. 3, a peculiarly fine blue and white vase of the Ming dynasty.

Lot No. 4...

Truly, pride goeth before destruction.

And a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs, 16:18.

Ssh! Ssh!

Father, will you please cease dropping things and shushing and introduce us?

- We've met before I think, madame. - I don't think so.

The first moment of our meeting is emblazoned on my mind,

- when I tripped over Father Brown's feet... - Umbrella.

However, to regularise the situation.

Monsieur Gustav Flambeau, Lady Warren.

Father Brown has often spoken to me of you.

I would that he had divided his kindness and spoken to me of you,

instead of leaving me to read your name in a newspaper,

which brings me to the purpose of this intrusion.

It's seldom that a poor man can outdo a rich one,

but what a maharajah can offer you with his money, I presume to offer you with my skill.

If you'll accept, my pleasure will exceed his.

But why take all the trouble to steal it, only to give it back again?

The acts that we do for no evident reason are sometimes the most rational ones.

Then, there being no evident reason why I should accept your gift,

I'm delighted to do so.

Pardon, my lady, but the awful people are coming up the drive.

What awful people? It is not my at home day.

I think he means the police. We must get Monsieur Flambeau away immediately.

Did you say Flambeau? It's a pleasure, guv.

- Bert... - Come on. We've just got time.

- I hope so. - I will delay the awful people.

- Au revoir, monsieur. - A bient�t, j'espere, Madame.

Come on, guv.

Wait, Bert. I've got a better idea.

- Where's the driver? - Having a beer across the road.

- He said driving this stuff makes him thirsty. - Good.

Lovely.

Sorry to have kept you waiting, but my staffs away for the day.

That's all right, madame. I'm here on behalf of...

I'm afraid if you're selling brushes, we're already supplied.

- I always get mine at the Army & Navy stores. - No, I'm not here to sell brushes.

Nor do I receive salesmen, except at the tradesman's entrance.

- So if you'll excuse me... - Madame, I'm here in the name of the law.

The law? Oh, how nice.

And I suppose you're not aware that you've been robbed of your famous chess set.

Robbed? How absurd. It's here in the drawing room as usual.

There it is, you see.

- Interesting. - Yes, isn't it? Cellini was...

What was interesting was that when you came in here, you saw only one thing.

- And what was that? - You saw what wasn't here.

Or rather who wasn't here.

Drive fast, turn left at the gates.

Your accomplices haven't a chance. They'll be intercepted within half an hour.

Half an hour? Then you've time for a glass of sherry.

- No, thank you. - Or perhaps a glass of milk?

The milkman seems to have left rather a lot today.

Do sit down. My abode is simple, but it is at your service.

You are most kind.

- You're sure we will not be surprised here? - I should be most surprised if we are.

As I understand the official mind,

they will search every milkman in London before looking here.

I've been looking forward to this.

- I so enjoyed our last little chat. - As did I.

But I must warn you, you will learn no more now than you did then.

What an exquisite case. May I see?

Your family crest, I suppose.

I'm interested to learn how you came to trip me up today.

I'm afraid you, as it were, ate another ham sandwich.

Your face was old, but your hands were not.

I imagine it's almost impossible to disguise the hands.

Of course.

Next time, I must wear gloves.

- Need there be a next time? - Why not?

Why?

Father, at the risk of abusing your hospitality, may I suggest that you are being inquisitive?

Even if I answered your question, you would not understand.

How could you, living apart from the world as you do?

- My son... - Please do not call me your son.

My son, you think you are a man of the world and that I am not.

But I assure you, my innocent ears encounter every day

stories of a horror that would make your sophisticated hair stand on end.

Although I wear funny clothes and have taken certain vows...

...I live far more in the world than you do.

Your world, perhaps.

I prefer to live in mine.

Why?

All right, I will tell you why, then perhaps I will be rid of your moralising.

Because I have no place in your world.

I was trained as a good swordsman but, in a world of guns and bombs,

it is no longer regarded as an accomplishment to know how to die gracefully at dawn.

I ride a horse well.

But what use is that in a world of tramlines and petrol fumes?

I love beautiful things.

I cannot afford to buy them.

So, quite simply, I take them...

...to decorate my world.

- Are you not lonely there? - If I am, it is because I choose to be.

Why did you not steal today?

Because I chose not to.

Because Lady Warren is a very beautiful woman.

My poor Father, do not delude yourself

that I will fall into the trap of love or your trap of preaching.

- I am as I am and that is as I prefer to be. - I'm sorry for you.

- You can keep your pity. I don't want it. - You may need it.

Before you force me to be angry under your roof,

- pray give me leave to leave you. - Wait, I'm trying to help you.

Really, you are like a host who presses unwanted food on a guest.

I hope you won't mind if I continue to try.

The matter does not arise, as we shall not meet again.

Oh, I'm sure we shall.

What are you really after? Your cross or my soul?

- Both, of course. - Well, come and find us.

I'll make you a bargain. Whatever you can find, you shall have.

I accept your bargain.

It would have been an interesting encounter.

Pity it will never take place.

A duke's coronet... surmounting a Flambeau azure.

- Did you say Flambeau? - Flambeau, yes.

An heraldic word meaning torch.

It's not an English coronet. Almost certainly French.

I'm afraid many French records were destroyed at the time of their unfortunate revolution.

Please inform Father Brown personally

that he's to appear before the Archbishop next Thursday.

My lord, I thought it proper to inform you

that I've no alternative but to ask for a warrant for the arrest of Father Brown.

- When do you propose to arrest him? - As soon as the warrant's issued.

Will bail be allowed?

That's for the court to decide. Why do you ask?

Because there's something another kind of court has to decide.

However, I suppose someone must catch the hare

before the two jurisdictions start arguing possession of the body.

Please also inform Father Brown that the hounds have been unleashed.

I suggest you refer yourself to the national archives in Paris.

Paris?

My old friend Le Vicomte de Verdigris is the only man alive who can help you.

That is, to say, if he is still alive.

But I'll give you a letter of introduction to him anyway.

Now what... What was it I was looking for?

I think you said it was Reynolds' Lexicon of Heraldry.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

How kind.

So few people nowadays are interested in the noble families of France.

Yes.

Oh. Ohh!

Oh-ho! No, no, no.

The last time I was asked for it was between the two wars.

Between 1870 and 1914.

Now... where did I put it?

Perhaps this might help.

Oh, what an interesting invention.

Ooh.

One, two, three, H, one, seven.

Ooh.

Ahh, here we are.

Oh, yes, on the very top shelf. I remember.

I'm not as agile as I was.

The porter will have gone.

Perhaps you would like to come back tomorrow?

No, tomorrow's Saturday.

- Monday perhaps? - Monday will be too late.

- Oh, please be careful. - I'm used to ladders.

Oh!

Oh, they are not broken.

How fortunate. I will bring them up to you.

Please, I will bring the book down.

Oh.

Here.

Oh, thank you so much.

If I can find some new glasses and come back within the hour...

I'm afraid it will have to be Monday.

This evening, I have a rendezvous with... La Duchesse De Garmonte.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, no, no.

Pardon, monsieur.

- Can I be of any help? - Oh, thank you.

Can you direct me to the nearest optician?

That's it.

Bonjour, mon pere. Qu'est-ce que vous desirez?

Tea, s'il vous pla�t.

- Tea? - Oui.

- You are fatigued, Father? - Very.

Then wine is better than tea.

I have something very special. I show you. Just wait one moment.

The best wine in the world comes from France, �a va sans dire.

And the best wine in France comes from Burgundy.

And the best wine in Burgundy comes from the village where I was born: Fleurency.

Look, I will show you...

Voila. Ici.

Just now, there's a time of the grape harvest.

Oh, Father,

you should see the grape harvest in Fleurency.

Yes.

I think I should.

You go to Cluny and take a little train.

Je veux... aller a Fleurency.

Chef de gare, il faut empecher ce train de partir.

Je n'ai pas d'ordres a recevoir vous.

Il y a un dangereux criminel a bord.

- Je n'ai pas d'ordres... - Vite!

Oh, mais dites-moi, mon ami.

Le train partira quand meme!

- Je vous ordonne de I'empecher! - Le train partira quand meme.

Empechez ce train de partir!

Monsieur.

Je veux aller au Ch�teau Fleurency.

I myself go there.

- Good, you speak English! - Yes, in 1940, in London, after Dunkirk.

I am being pursued by two dangerous criminals.

Have no fear, Father, we escape them.

- Pas d'essence. - What?

Out of gas.

De I'essence. Vite! Vite!

- C'est ferme. - Au nom de la loi.

- La loi? Quelle loi? - Police.

�a, mon vieux, je les connais, les trucs comme �a.

- Gangster. - Gangster?

- Va te faire voir par les Grecs! - Ecoutez-moi, enfin!

- What's he talking about? - It's difficult to translate.

Laissez-moi partir! Je vais a la vendange.

- Le raisin n'attend personne. - Mais ecoutez-moi, enfin!

Well?

He is going to the wine harvest and the grape waits for no man.

Nor does Father Brown.

An unexpected honour, Father.

Excellent. I congratulate you.

And I congratulate you.

How did you find out?

"And the scent shall be as the wine of Lebanon. "

- Father, we drink together. - Thank you.

Who is the Prince and where are the dwelling places of the wicked?

If you do not drink, at least we'll dance.

They shall seek me early, but shall not find me.

Bonsoir, boy.

He's gone.

- The wine is not gone. - You foolish man. It's all your fault.

The least you can do is to tell me where he lives.

Up the hill.

In the morning, I will drive you there.

In the morning, he might not be there.

Qu'est-ce que tu veux, toi?

Have you seen a priest?

Oh, va te faire voir, toi, hein!

- Qu'est-ce que vous voulez? - The Duke.

Monsieur le Duc n'est pas la.

Curiouser and curiouser.

You silly dogs, lying where it's so hot.

Come over here, where it's nice and cool.

A tray to be taken somewhere and nowhere to take it.

Dogs panting with heat when they could be cool.

A useless bit oiled for use.

It's all so nonsensical, it must make sense.

The only visible door leads to nowhere.

There must be an invisible door leading somewhere.

Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites la?

- Madame. - Mademoiselle.

Pardon. Je... Je veux...

It will be easier if we speak English.

- Oh, you speak English. - Evidently.

- Then you were his governess, I suppose? - I was.

Where was his nursery? I wonder.

I regret, but I must ask you to leave.

What an interesting fireplace.

As Father Brown is in our house, he is our guest.

Perhaps you would like to see my nursery.

And my toys.

Appalling.

An odd word to apply to the finest private collection in the world.

What is appalling is that it is private.

You're the first person to have the privilege of seeing it.

Look at my El Greco.

- Yours? - Mine.

This, I believe, is yours.

So that's how you traced me! Thank you, I wondered where I'd lost it.

You didn't lose it. I stole it.

We have something in common, then.

All men do.

That is the secret of the confessional, you know.

That the more you learn about other people, the more you understand yourself.

The more you learn about yourself...

...the more you understand other people.

There's only one thing you have to understand about me.

Our motto.

- The best things are always free. - Thank you.

I know a little Latin.

But it's not true, you know.

Actually, my El Greco cost me a great deal.

Have you ever walked slowly past armed guards with every nerve in your body telling you to run

and then scaled a 20-foot wall with your heart in your mouth and the police at your feet?

I've paid for my collection.

Not in the currency of shopkeepers, but in the currency of human fear.

And conquered that fear.

- You're still afraid. - Not any longer.

Why else should you have devised for yourself a beautiful but sterile prison?

Prison? A paradise.

A gorgeous paradise, isn't it?

Where you sit clutching to yourself this magnificent heap of onions.

Onions?

There was an old woman who did only one good deed in her life.

She gave an onion to a beggar and then she died and went to hell,

but an angel took pity on her

and let down from heaven a string to which the onion was attached...

...and began to pull her up.

And, as the woman clutched the onion, the other damned souls reached for it too,

but she screamed at them, "Let go! It's mine!"

And the moment she said "mine", the string snapped

and, with the onion still clutched in her hand, back she tumbled into hell.

I beg your pardon... into paradise.

The angel with the flaming umbrella.

I thought you were a great sinner. You're only a small one.

How disappointing.

I came, expecting to find a desperate secret...

...and a desperate man.

I find instead...

...a rocking horse.

I like your rocking horse.

- It was yours, I suppose? - Yes.

Pity you've never outgrown it.

I'm afraid I must go now. I have other work to do.

Not before I've given you this.

It's yours now.

It's not mine.

I made you a promise. Please accept it.

Don't you see I can't,

unless you are willing to give back everything else?

You want an outrageous price.

I don't want anything.

Monsieur le Duc, il y a les policiers en bas.

The police have an unfortunate habit of interrupting our conversations

just when they begin to be interesting.

I must beg your leave to leave you.

Even though you will be a day late, His Eminence looks forward to seeing you.

He wants to congratulate you on bringing home your harvest.

I've only brought home half the harvest.

Not half.

His Eminence is vastly pleased that you've succeeded.

I'm sorry to have failed.

Inspector Valentine will confirm me in saying that the civil proceedings have been dropped.

The Attorney General has entered a noli prosequi.

I spoke to the Home Secretary this morning.

We were at school together.

You'll probably be interested in this.

"One of the most remarkable exhibitions in the history of crime and detection

is to be held in the Louvre Museum, Paris, from Monday next.

The particular intention of the Flambeau Exhibition

is to pay tribute to the perspicacity, ingenuity and tenacity of Inspector Dubois,

of the Suret� Nationale, who recovered the stolen property. "

Pardon, monsieur, can you direct me to the Exposition Flambeau?

Exposition de quoi? C'est par ici, monsieur.

- Merci. - Je vous en prie.

C'est joli, n'est-ce pas?

Oui, c'est tres beau.

Oui.

The gospel according to St Luke, the 15th chapter, the 20th verse.

"And rising up, he came to his father.

And when he was yet a great way off,

his father saw him and was moved with compassion

and, running to him, fell upon his neck and kissed him.

And the son said to him,

'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before thee.

I am not now worthy to be called thy son. '

And the father said to his servants,

'Bring forth quickly the first robe and put it on him

and put a ring on his hand and shoes on his feet

and bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it, and let us eat and make merry.

Because this...

...my son...

...was dead...

...and is come to life again.

Was lost...

...and is found. '

And they began to be merry. "