Original subtitles

After four years, I know the hospital so well,

I can sneak in a little napwalk before rounds.

Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly.

Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.

The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

And finally, Dr. Kelso's 9am wrongshouldertap.

Damn it! Every morning, tapping. No one's ever there!

Of course, you can't be ready for everything.

Hey. Help me move this weekend.

We scoff, and we walk away.

Remind me again why you're having our son baptized.

Oh, what do you even care? You're not going.

Fine, let him go to church. I let him go to magic shows.

I'll tell him it's a lie when he gets home

so he doesn't have those crazy nightmares.

By the way, I invited your sister.

Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realize you'd be so upset.

I'll call her and tell her not to come.

How weird would it be if I was like that?

Totally. Weird.

When is this joyous occasion? You're not invited.

I see. Family only. That's how they're doing it.

I'm going.

Give me a break. You're going.

As a matter of fact, I'd... like you to be the boy's godfather.

I... am honored.

I... am lying.

I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

What's with the second beeper? Carla gave it to me.

She's got me on 24hour babymaking alert.

We haven't had sex since her last ovulation.

You know women only do that once a month?

Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.

Once a month? That's crazy!

I don't know why I bother.

Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month.

I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.

Cassie's pretty. Oh, she would have been, J.D.

She would have been.

Everyone,

this is my sister, Paige.

I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

Here for the baptism.

I remember my son Harrison's big day.

All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress.

Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

No.

Nothing about taking a talented gogetter under his wing?

Surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own?

Nothing about that? I'm surprised. That's interesting.

Don't cry in front of people. Perry and I don't talk much.

They don't talk much! There's no talking in the family.

Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night

about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me,

the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer,

the resurgence of the hardshell taco...

The small being my exwife Jordan, wind energy and all fruitinfused liquors,

your name still would not have come up.

I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

What does he find irritating about you?

Fire at will.

I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal savior.

I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward,

I wished something'd break the tension.

# Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex

# Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex #

Smack the moneymaker!

Smack it! That's how he likes it.

Sex time, people!

He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex.

His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy.

Like Jesus.

# I can't do this all on my own

# No, I know I'm no Superman

# I'm no Superman #

You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid?

Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway and I'd kick his ass.

Can Christians say "ass" now?

I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once.

She hit him in the face with an iron.

He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

OK. I'm going to go say hi to Jordan.

She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a bornagain Christian sister?

I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible

and found it to be just a darn good read.

Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability

to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room.

What do you think, Newbie? Probably the room to room thing.

Uhhuh.

It's hard to find the right words at a moment like this.

Dr. Cox, if it makes you feel any better,

at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.

Yeah. You're not going.

Damn it! Stupid baptism.

# I'm going to have some sex I'm going to have some sex...

OK, so my cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated

and pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen pools against my cervix.

Baby, that is some Godawful dirty talk.

We're making a baby. Get down to business.

Honey, I need to feel the heat.

I need 30 minutes of foreplay.

Then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.

Tyra Banks.

There, you're ready.

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Oh, hey, fellas. I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there.

Would you mind breaking it up so I can...? You understand.

Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

He's just mad because I won't help him move.

You should have done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex.

You do it once, and then they owe you for life.

My high school boyfriend is an accountant and he does my taxes free.

You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

My son Harrison dabbles in sadomasochism

and he has a new gimp named Barry.

Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting harder to keep track of his gimps.

And then it occurred to me.

This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.

I'll do it.

I knew you would. You're very predictable.

No, I'm not.

Stop doing that!

Peanutbuttereggdirt!

Newbie, let's go. Mr. Donnelly's test results are in.

It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

I... I wish I had better news for you.

We're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.

What are our options? I'm afraid there are no other options.

There's always prayer.

Oh, no.

You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

Could I speak with you

in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

Paige, we have protocol here.

First we shake our Magic 8Ball, then we explore all witchcraftrelated options.

Oh, right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy and you're the sane one.

Hey, do you guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert.

There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying.

Like watch. "Do you want some pie?"

"Not me! I hate pie!" "What are you talking about? Who hates pie?

Everyone loves pie!" "I've always hated pie.

You never understood me. You're a pie racist."

"You're a cobbler whore."

For God's sake, get off pie!

Jerk. Republican.

Pie.

I need an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

Damn it, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

Are you complaining about getting to have sex?

Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

J. D... Let me feel my feelings, Turk!

We worked on this.

I really gotta stop doing that. You can talk to me if you want.

I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use.

Penis is schwingsomething.

Schwingschwong, peepers or peep.

And vagina is...

Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoohoo.

Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right?

And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus...

Ahah, bbbut, mmmmm.

From now on, cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."

Icky sticky. Continue.

Morning, sunshine. Never say that again.

Noted.

That was quite a fight you had with your sister.

Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral

on the corner of Maple and Pine right across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?

That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

Mark my words. When that bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.

Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by.

Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is working.

If you happen to be keeping score, that would be medicine one, God zero.

You don't have to rub it in her face.

I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants, but I do.

Isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

Actually, there was.

Mornin' sunshine.

I don't like that. Nobody seems to.

Come on. Grab some boxes. Let's get to moving.

I hope I can find a way to connect with him.

Thanks. That's one of my favorite pieces.

You're welcome, friend.

I gotta say, you have a lot of Asian art around here.

When I was a kid, I thought I'd travel the world.

After college I went to China. Did all the touristy things.

I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local.

Just the regular stuff.

I decorate my place this way because it reminds me

of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

Thanks, man.

And like that, I was in.

Damn!

I paged you an hour ago. I was in surgery.

Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

Guess we're not having sex? Oh, no. We're having sex.

Get in there. Wait, baby, I'm too full.

Now, Turk! Man!

Long story short, after confirming it with my bunkmates,

that counselor and his "friendship" lotion were transferred out of our cabin

and we never spoke about it again.

Well, what doesn't kill you...

We were thick as two thieves in a pod.

OK, time to move some of the heavier stuff,

so you might want to put on these gloves.

And the attic upstairs has a lot of fiberglass in it, so a little hat.

Thanks, pal. Sure, bud.

I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships.

I don't rub things in people's faces.

I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest xray looks better.

He is finally starting to improve.

Thank you so much.

I was really just doing my job.

Oh, I'm talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.

You big jerk!

I never go to bed very, very mad.

Angry sex is awesome.

I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship

to a difficult coworker...

Who are you?

... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a buddha.

After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

Could I comment on the baptism dress?

You should wait to see the matching slippers and handbag.

You're actually encouraging him to crossdress on the same day

you're introducing him to a religion

that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma twofer.

Can you two please just try to get along?

I'm getting some blush for Jack,

because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.

Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr. Donnelly better?

Fine, it was medicine. Aha!

Thank God for creating medicine. That's it!

That is it!

Now, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one.

No way. No how.

Come on, Jackie boy, we've got places to go.

Turk, I'm ready! All right.

So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.

Baby, you know what I miss?

When your body was kickin'.

I ain't touching no damn diapers.

Baby, all I'm saying is, in some European countries,

it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

What are you...?

I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said.

Worth it.

Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things:

One, what my prison name would be.

Gizmo.

And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair.

Then fate threw me another curve.

Who's your friend? My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

Seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K9 unit,

I'd say he's my new god.

You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.

Don't you touch my son.

Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop.

I'll be right out. I'm fixing my hair.

Rake's in the closet, baby.

Help me!

Turk, just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it.

Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.

I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby

is the worst possible consequence of sex.

Well, it's not.

Honey for my honey.

Why are you stopping?

Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm

is a much worse consequence of sex.

You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.

I'm ready.

Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good.

The cycle is broken.

There will be no whining or crying while we sit here.

He seems fine. I wasn't talking to him.

I don't whine or cry.

Really? How do you explain these photos of you whining and crying

as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?

These are coasters. My camera's broken.

You turned me into a felon! You know what there, Newbie?

You can go to the baptism. And take Jack.

Jordan will kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you.

You're one watereddown appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.

No. If there's one thing I learned from this guy,

I need to stop fixing people's relationships.

You're welcome.

I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs.

In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

Huh.

I don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you.

It doesn't. Then why are you so angry?

So do you like pie? "Look at me.

Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie."

Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?

I don't think I can do this without Perry. He's my everything.

It would be weird if you were like that.

Right? Yeah. Yeah.

I don't understand why we can't have fun.

I'm glad you had to hurt my feelings.

I can't believe you! Calm down. Calm down? I'm gonna kill you!

You hear that? She's gonna kill me. Get her.

OK, look. You two stop fighting or I will turn this church around!

Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

Isn't he beautiful?

Yeah. He is.

Oh! Wow!

Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

That's cold, sis. Ice cold.

You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

Please, Perry, don't hold back.

It's not the God stuff.

I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood.

But when I see you,

I... I can't think about anything else.

It's hard for me too.

I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.

I'd love to see him turn three.

The major events, Paige:

His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.

I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding.

Done.

That went in, didn't it? Did you thank the Gman for that?

That was all me, baby. Yeah, it was.

So maybe relationships can be fixed.

Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking...

I'm sorry. I didn't get how this babymaking stuff could be sexy,

but I do now.

Well, you know, Turk,

I can get angry if you give me a little help.

If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.

Oh, Turk, a little help.

Mmhm.

... or by reassuring the Kwans that their big guy didn't desert them.

In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring... sometime.

March 21 st. Bye, Perry.

Bye, Paige.

You know, Paige is a silly name. Perry's worse.

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