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1
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Ooh!
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By gollykins!
3
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Do you mind if I sit down?
4
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N... No.
5
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Sorry, please don't misunderstand.
6
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I'm just being friendly.
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You're, er...
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You're a long way from
home. What brings you here?
9
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Oh, I'm waiting to meet an old friend.
10
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What about you, young lady?
11
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I'm waiting to babysit two adorable kids.
12
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They live just over there.
13
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Oh, you read them fairy stories.
14
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Oh, yes!
15
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Oh, they love their story time.
16
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Little Red Riding Hood.
17
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Don't like her.
18
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And Snow White? She's actually a blonde!
19
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Sorry?
20
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"Happily ever after..."
21
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Come on, now, they're just stories.
22
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You know? For children?
23
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I don't suppose you have family yourself?
24
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Well, had. I had two
nephews... Rolf and Rex.
25
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Had?
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Why? What happened?
27
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Well, since you ask...
28
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...once upon a time...
29
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Flowers!
30
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Flowers!
31
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Would you like some flowers?
32
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Flowers?
33
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Very nice flowers.
34
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Oh!
35
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Please take one.
36
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When little Snow White's mother died,
37
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the King, her father, up and cried...
38
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Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!
39
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Now I must find another wife!
40
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It's never easy for a king to
find himself that sort of thing.
41
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Snow White!
42
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Piggy bank!
43
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Very good, very good.
44
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The King wrote to each magazine and said...
45
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I'm looking for a queen.
46
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At least 10,000 girls replied
and begged to be the royal bride.
47
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However, in the end he chose...
48
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...a lady called Miss Maclahose.
49
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Who brought a mirror framed in brass.
50
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Good morning.
51
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A magic, talking, looking glass.
52
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Ask it something, day or night,
53
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it always got the answer right.
54
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Aww.
55
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Go on!
56
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For instance, if you were to say...
57
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Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today?
58
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The thing would answer, in a trice...
59
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Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.
60
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There we are.
61
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Din-dins.
62
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Oh, adorable!
63
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Now, every day, week in, week out,
64
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the spoilt and stupid Queen would shout...
65
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Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall!
66
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Who is fairest of them all?
67
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The Mirror answered every time...
68
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Oh, Madame, you're the queen sublime.
69
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You're the only one to charm us.
70
00:07:01,525 --> 00:07:05,044
Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas!
71
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For ten whole years, the silly Queen
72
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repeated her absurd routine,
73
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then suddenly one awful day...
74
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Hello, Snow White!
75
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Hi! Ohh...
76
00:07:22,565 --> 00:07:25,025
That's very sweet of you.
77
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She heard the magic mirror say...
78
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From now on, Queen, you're number two.
79
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Snow White is prettier than you.
80
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The Queen went absolutely wild.
81
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She yelled...
82
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I'm going to scrag that child!
83
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I'll cook her flaming goose, I'll skin her!
84
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I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!
85
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She called the huntsman to her study.
86
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Huntsman!
87
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Listen, buddy! You drag
that filthy girl outside,
88
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and see you take her for a ride!
89
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Thereafter, slit her ribs apart,
90
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and bring me back the bleeding heart!
91
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Thanks, Pig.
92
00:09:05,605 --> 00:09:11,705
As soon as Rolf began to feel
that he would like a decent meal...
93
00:09:16,285 --> 00:09:19,804
...he went and knocked on Grandma's door.
94
00:09:22,405 --> 00:09:25,084
When Grandma opened it, she saw...
95
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The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin!
96
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And Rolfie said...
97
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May I come in?
98
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,404
Poor Grandmamma was terrified.
99
00:09:34,405 --> 00:09:36,905
- He's going to eat me up!
- She cried.
100
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:42,324
And she was absolutely right.
101
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He ate her up.
102
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In one big bite.
103
00:09:47,845 --> 00:09:49,844
But Grandmamma was small and tough,
104
00:09:49,845 --> 00:09:51,044
and Rolfie wailed...
105
00:09:51,045 --> 00:09:52,564
That's not enough!
106
00:09:52,565 --> 00:09:56,844
I haven't yet begun to feel
that I have had a decent meal!
107
00:09:56,845 --> 00:09:59,324
He ran around the kitchen yelping...
108
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I've got to have a...
109
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...second helping.
110
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Boo!
111
00:10:18,805 --> 00:10:20,425
This is for you.
112
00:10:28,605 --> 00:10:31,185
Quick!
113
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No!
114
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No! Snow White!
115
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Help! Help!
116
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A-agh! Red!
117
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Red!
118
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In came the little girl in red.
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Grandma.
120
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She stopped.
121
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She stared.
122
00:11:22,085 --> 00:11:25,044
And then she said...
123
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What great big ears you have, Grandma.
124
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All the better to hear you with.
125
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What great big eyes you have, Grandma.
126
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All the better to see you with.
127
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He stood there watching her, and smiled.
128
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:44,724
He thought...
129
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I'm going to eat this child.
130
00:11:48,685 --> 00:11:54,905
But, Grandma, what a lovely
great big furry coat you have on.
131
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That's wrong! That's wrong!
132
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Have you forgot to tell
me what big teeth I've got?
133
00:12:01,925 --> 00:12:04,564
Ah, well, no matter what you say,
134
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I'm going to eat you anyway.
135
00:12:08,165 --> 00:12:11,724
The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers.
136
00:12:11,725 --> 00:12:14,164
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
137
00:12:14,165 --> 00:12:16,684
She aims it at the poor boy's head,
138
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and bang, bang, bang!
139
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She shoots him dead.
140
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Yes!
141
00:12:24,765 --> 00:12:26,345
Sorry.
142
00:12:30,005 --> 00:12:34,084
Fearing the worst, poor Snow White spake.
143
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:35,604
She cried...
144
00:12:35,605 --> 00:12:38,604
Oh, please, give me a break!
145
00:12:38,605 --> 00:12:42,364
The knife was poised, the arm was strong.
146
00:12:42,365 --> 00:12:43,684
She cried again...
147
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I've done no wrong!
148
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:49,084
The huntsman's heart began to flutter.
149
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It melted like a pound of butter.
150
00:12:57,445 --> 00:12:58,724
He murmured...
151
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OK.
152
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,524
Beat it, kid!
153
00:13:02,525 --> 00:13:05,284
And you can bet your life she did.
154
00:13:08,045 --> 00:13:10,284
Later, the huntsman made a stop,
155
00:13:10,285 --> 00:13:12,444
within the local butcher's shop.
156
00:13:12,445 --> 00:13:15,124
And there he bought, for safety's sake,
157
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a bullock's heart and one nice steak.
158
00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:23,484
- Oh, Majesty! Oh, Queen!
- He cried.
159
00:13:23,485 --> 00:13:25,524
That rotten little girl has died.
160
00:13:25,525 --> 00:13:26,804
Ooh!
161
00:13:26,805 --> 00:13:30,124
- And just to prove I didn't cheat...
- Hmm?
162
00:13:30,125 --> 00:13:33,385
...I've brought along these bits of meat.
163
00:13:35,325 --> 00:13:36,644
Then...
164
00:13:36,645 --> 00:13:39,164
this is the disgusting part,
165
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the Queen sat down and ate the heart.
166
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:50,124
OK, while all of this was going on,
167
00:13:50,125 --> 00:13:53,145
where, oh, where had Snow White gone?
168
00:13:55,365 --> 00:13:57,764
She found it easy, being pretty,
169
00:13:57,765 --> 00:14:00,745
to hitch a ride into the city.
170
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:14,564
And there she got a job, unpaid,
171
00:14:14,565 --> 00:14:18,044
as general cook and parlour maid,
172
00:14:18,045 --> 00:14:20,964
with seven funny little men,
173
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each one not more than three foot ten.
174
00:14:24,165 --> 00:14:25,804
Oh, thanks, love.
175
00:14:25,805 --> 00:14:28,164
Ex-horse race jockeys, all of them.
176
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Red!
177
00:14:43,485 --> 00:14:44,825
Red!
178
00:14:50,525 --> 00:14:54,324
A few days later, in the wood,
179
00:14:54,325 --> 00:14:56,985
I came across Miss Riding Hood.
180
00:14:58,125 --> 00:15:02,204
But what a change. No cloak of red.
181
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No silly hood upon her head.
182
00:15:05,925 --> 00:15:09,324
- Hello... - She said.
- ...and do please note,
183
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:13,585
my lovely, furry, wolfskin coat.
184
00:15:31,165 --> 00:15:35,105
And... w-what happened
to your other nephew?
185
00:15:35,885 --> 00:15:37,305
Patience.
186
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:43,145
Come in, please.
187
00:15:47,565 --> 00:15:49,385
Please, have two seats.
188
00:15:50,285 --> 00:15:51,625
One each.
189
00:15:53,525 --> 00:15:55,684
How can I help?
190
00:15:55,685 --> 00:15:58,684
What, for example, would you say
191
00:15:58,685 --> 00:16:00,844
if, strolling through the woods one day,
192
00:16:00,845 --> 00:16:04,244
right there in front of you you saw
193
00:16:04,245 --> 00:16:08,265
a pig who'd built his house of straw?
194
00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:11,924
And here's another house for pigs,
195
00:16:11,925 --> 00:16:15,145
and this one will be built of twigs.
196
00:16:18,605 --> 00:16:20,225
Both very promising.
197
00:16:34,245 --> 00:16:35,905
Very well done.
198
00:16:39,205 --> 00:16:41,785
Bacon, pork and ham?
199
00:16:43,405 --> 00:16:47,124
Oh, what a lucky wolf I am!
200
00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:49,945
Hello!
201
00:16:53,085 --> 00:16:56,164
Two juicy little pigs, all right!
202
00:16:57,525 --> 00:16:59,905
But still I am not satisfied.
203
00:17:01,725 --> 00:17:04,065
Hmm!
204
00:17:23,925 --> 00:17:27,284
I am sorry, Pig, things aren't pretty.
205
00:17:27,285 --> 00:17:30,265
I'm out of here, off to the city.
206
00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:33,244
I'm moving out of Grandma's shack.
207
00:17:33,245 --> 00:17:35,644
I fear I'll need my savings back.
208
00:17:37,565 --> 00:17:41,345
I'm sorry, Red, we're stony broke!
209
00:17:42,125 --> 00:17:45,905
Go out and find some wealthy bloke!
210
00:17:52,485 --> 00:17:55,364
The Seven Dwarves, though awfully nice,
211
00:17:55,365 --> 00:17:58,364
were guilty of one shocking vice.
212
00:17:58,365 --> 00:18:01,084
They squandered all of their resources
213
00:18:01,085 --> 00:18:03,705
at the race track backing horses.
214
00:18:04,445 --> 00:18:07,244
When they hadn't backed a winner,
215
00:18:07,245 --> 00:18:09,244
none of them got any dinner.
216
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,724
One evening, Snow White said...
217
00:18:17,725 --> 00:18:20,545
Look, here. I think I've got a great idea.
218
00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:23,764
Just leave it all to me, OK?
219
00:18:23,765 --> 00:18:27,025
And no more gambling till I say.
220
00:18:28,645 --> 00:18:32,164
Now, creeping quietly as a mouse,
221
00:18:32,165 --> 00:18:35,404
the wolf approached another house.
222
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:38,244
A house which also had inside
223
00:18:38,245 --> 00:18:41,604
a little piggy trying to hide,
224
00:18:41,605 --> 00:18:44,044
but this one, Piggy Number Three,
225
00:18:44,045 --> 00:18:48,164
was bright and brainy as could be.
226
00:18:48,165 --> 00:18:51,764
No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.
227
00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:54,284
This pig had built his house of bricks.
228
00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:59,444
- You'll not get me!
- The piggy cried.
229
00:18:59,445 --> 00:19:03,244
- I'll blow you down!
- The wolf replied.
230
00:19:03,245 --> 00:19:04,985
You'll need a lot of puff.
231
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:08,145
And I don't think you've got enough.
232
00:19:09,605 --> 00:19:12,305
- If I can't blow it down...
- Rex said.
233
00:19:13,605 --> 00:19:15,724
...I'll have to blow it up instead!
234
00:19:15,725 --> 00:19:18,004
I'll come back in the dead of night
235
00:19:18,005 --> 00:19:20,404
and blow it up with dynamite!
236
00:19:20,405 --> 00:19:22,964
Oh, no. You brute!
237
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:24,724
I might have known!
238
00:19:24,725 --> 00:19:26,105
Ooh!
239
00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:30,004
Then, picking up the telephone,
240
00:19:30,005 --> 00:19:32,124
Pig dialled as quickly as he could
241
00:19:32,125 --> 00:19:34,684
the number of Red Riding Hood.
242
00:19:34,685 --> 00:19:35,844
Hello?
243
00:19:35,845 --> 00:19:38,444
I need your help, Miss Hood.
244
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,404
Oh, help me, please.
Do you think you could?
245
00:19:41,405 --> 00:19:44,724
I know you've dealt
with wolves before
246
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:48,225
and now I've got one at my door!
247
00:19:48,925 --> 00:19:52,444
- My darling Pig...
- She said. - ...my sweet.
248
00:19:52,445 --> 00:19:55,044
That's something really up my street.
249
00:19:55,045 --> 00:19:56,924
I've just begun to wash my hair,
250
00:19:56,925 --> 00:20:00,065
but when it's dry, I'll be right there.
251
00:20:03,485 --> 00:20:07,084
That very night at eventide,
252
00:20:07,085 --> 00:20:10,225
young Snow White hitched another ride.
253
00:20:11,765 --> 00:20:14,844
And then, when it was very late,
254
00:20:14,845 --> 00:20:17,945
she slipped in through the palace gate.
255
00:20:20,045 --> 00:20:23,244
The footmen and the servants slept,
256
00:20:23,245 --> 00:20:25,884
so no-one saw her as she crept...
257
00:20:27,525 --> 00:20:31,145
...on tiptoe through the mighty hall...
258
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:36,585
...and grabbed the mirror off the wall.
259
00:21:06,485 --> 00:21:09,324
A short while later, there she stood,
260
00:21:09,325 --> 00:21:12,884
notorious Miss Riding Hood.
261
00:21:12,885 --> 00:21:16,044
Rex quickly charged, his eyes ablaze,
262
00:21:16,045 --> 00:21:18,084
and yellowish like mayonnaise.
263
00:21:18,085 --> 00:21:21,244
Once more, the maiden's eyelid flickers.
264
00:21:21,245 --> 00:21:24,764
She draws the pistol from her knickers.
265
00:21:24,765 --> 00:21:27,345
Once more she hit the vital spot.
266
00:21:28,245 --> 00:21:31,884
And killed him with a single shot.
267
00:21:31,885 --> 00:21:33,665
Ohhh...
268
00:21:42,205 --> 00:21:44,284
Pig, peeping through the window,
269
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- stood and yelled...
- Well done, Miss Riding Hood!
270
00:21:52,165 --> 00:21:53,404
Entrees vous.
271
00:21:55,325 --> 00:21:56,964
Ta-dah!
272
00:21:56,965 --> 00:21:58,905
Wow.
273
00:22:01,725 --> 00:22:04,505
Please, have a seat, relax.
274
00:22:06,525 --> 00:22:08,324
Oh, no need to...
275
00:22:08,325 --> 00:22:09,604
Oh, sorry.
276
00:22:11,125 --> 00:22:15,284
There we are. Gone.
You didn't see anything.
277
00:22:15,285 --> 00:22:17,444
Er, why don't we put on something...
278
00:22:17,445 --> 00:22:19,564
appropriate?
279
00:22:19,565 --> 00:22:21,684
Ooh, baby.
280
00:22:21,685 --> 00:22:26,204
And I've got a rather cheeky
little white here, pour Madame!
281
00:22:28,165 --> 00:22:30,225
Very nice. Oh!
282
00:22:32,365 --> 00:22:34,225
Ah, piglet.
283
00:22:36,405 --> 00:22:38,164
You must never trust...
284
00:22:40,885 --> 00:22:44,524
...young ladies from the upper crust.
285
00:22:51,565 --> 00:22:54,324
When Snow White brought the mirror home,
286
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:56,484
she told the senior dwarf or gnome...
287
00:22:56,485 --> 00:22:57,524
Wake up, come on!
288
00:22:57,525 --> 00:22:59,324
...to ask it what he wished to know.
289
00:22:59,325 --> 00:23:01,665
- Go on! - She whispered.
- Have a go!
290
00:23:06,685 --> 00:23:08,724
He said...
291
00:23:08,725 --> 00:23:11,644
Oh, Mirror, please don't joke.
292
00:23:11,645 --> 00:23:14,444
Each one of us is stony broke.
293
00:23:14,445 --> 00:23:16,764
Which horse will win tomorrow's race?
294
00:23:16,765 --> 00:23:19,004
The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase?
295
00:23:19,005 --> 00:23:21,604
The Mirror whispered sweet and low...
296
00:23:21,605 --> 00:23:25,025
The horse's name is Mistletoe.
297
00:23:25,885 --> 00:23:28,324
The dwarves went absolutely daft.
298
00:23:29,365 --> 00:23:31,964
They kissed young Snow White fore and aft,
299
00:23:31,965 --> 00:23:34,545
then rushed away to raise some dough.
300
00:23:35,485 --> 00:23:38,505
With which to back old Mistletoe.
301
00:24:32,845 --> 00:24:34,225
Red?
302
00:24:35,525 --> 00:24:36,865
Hey.
303
00:24:52,805 --> 00:24:55,884
They'd pawned their watches, sold the car,
304
00:24:55,885 --> 00:24:58,084
they'd borrowed money near and far.
305
00:24:58,085 --> 00:24:59,425
Guys?
306
00:25:00,285 --> 00:25:02,284
Meet Red.
307
00:25:02,285 --> 00:25:03,625
Hello.
308
00:25:04,765 --> 00:25:09,385
For much of it they had to thank
the manager of Porkley's Bank.
309
00:25:12,285 --> 00:25:15,724
And now Miss Riding Hood, one notes,
310
00:25:15,725 --> 00:25:18,164
not only has two wolfskin coats,
311
00:25:18,165 --> 00:25:20,804
but when she goes from place to place,
312
00:25:20,805 --> 00:25:23,745
she has a pigskin travelling case.
313
00:25:26,325 --> 00:25:28,524
They bought some ice cream and, of course,
314
00:25:28,525 --> 00:25:32,084
for once, they backed the winning horse.
315
00:25:32,085 --> 00:25:34,124
Thereafter, every single day,
316
00:25:34,125 --> 00:25:37,044
the Mirror made the bookies pay.
317
00:25:37,045 --> 00:25:39,244
All nine of them each got a share
318
00:25:39,245 --> 00:25:43,164
and each was soon a millionaire,
319
00:25:43,165 --> 00:25:46,065
which shows that gambling's not a sin.
320
00:25:48,845 --> 00:25:51,644
Provided that you always win.
321
00:26:01,645 --> 00:26:03,345
Hmm...
322
00:26:24,765 --> 00:26:27,385
- Hi, there! - Hi!
- Oh, it's you already!
323
00:26:28,165 --> 00:26:30,084
Well, I'm still waiting
for the baby-sitter.
324
00:26:30,085 --> 00:26:33,865
Mum, don't worry. I can look after him.
325
00:26:37,205 --> 00:26:39,964
Well, I guess she should
be here any minute.
326
00:26:39,965 --> 00:26:41,705
Ugh, Mum!
327
00:26:43,525 --> 00:26:46,065
All right, you can read him a story.
328
00:26:46,925 --> 00:26:49,764
Don't open the door for
anyone but Miss Hunt.
329
00:26:49,765 --> 00:26:52,564
- OK? Love you.
- Bye, Mum.
330
00:26:52,565 --> 00:26:54,345
Bye, Mum!
331
00:26:55,485 --> 00:26:57,204
Are they going to be all right?
332
00:26:57,205 --> 00:26:59,105
They'll be absolutely fine...
22589
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