Original subtitles

Hey, man, you open?

Yeah, church is always open.

We're like Heaven Eleven.

That's good.

- I'll start. - Mm.

Hi. Chip Curry, lapsed Catholic.

Um, I'm not really here to confess. Is that weird?

Little bit, yeah.

If you're not confessing, we're just two grown men

talking in a tiny closet.

Okay, well, let me think, uh...

Very often, I will hit the "close door" button

in the elevator as a senior citizen is approaching.

They're just so slow, Father.

I actually agree. Go on.

Well, a couple times a year, I like to get a little...

stoned, Father.

I, uh, buy a bunch of ice cream and Cheez-Its

and just eat it all Muppet style.

You know...

Um,

how does the Church feel about marijuana?

We don't love it.

Yeah, I figured.

John 4:20.

Look, uh, you know, for the most part,

I'm a good man, but I want to be great.

And, I know it sounds crazy, but the real reason I'm here

is because I've decided to live my life

one hundred percent by the Bible.

You mean in-in general, right?

Oh, no, Father. To the letter.

To the letter!

Are you stoned now?

So, Chip, how did you come to the decision

to live your life this way?

Well, it all started when my buddy Ray died.

We'd been best friends for 30 years,

so it pretty much sucked.

Easy, dude!

Chip...

honey, maybe you should find a way to say good-bye to Ray.

Ah, what's that gonna do, Leslie?

You got to grieve, boo.

This guy's doing some serious grieving.

I love you.

Aw, you, too.

Come say hi to Ray's mom.

Ms. Murphy?

Chippy!

And Leslie!

Oh, bless your hearts.

Oh, my Ray-Ray just loved you two so much.

Well, we loved him, too.

And I know it's clich�, but he's in a better place.

No, he's not.

Raymond is in Devil Country now.

Area code 666.

No, why would you say that?

Well, because he is, dear.

He stopped going to church.

Ah, well, so did I.

Oh.

So you'll see each other again.

Believe it or not,

the compassionate words of Ray's mom

did nothing to make me feel better,

so I tried to lose myself in my job.

I review movies

for a newspaper in Manhattan.

Unfortunately,

I work with this guy Gary.

Hey, Chip, check it out.

Hooked up with this chick Josie from CrossFit

last night.

Hottest Caboose I have ever seen.

That's nice.

Aside from my wife, of course.

Yeah.

You know, Gary, our wives are friends,

so I'd kind of rather you not CC me on all your sexploits, okay?

Would you calm down?

Bro code, right?

Sure, bro.

Just a little bit of locker room talk, dawg!

Unbelievable.

How is it that I'm single and that guy

has a wife and a mistress?

Hate Gary. Hate Gary!

He's just the absolute worst.

If Gary were a Uber driver,

he'd have a "two" rating and no gum.

Oh, okay, if Gary were a Jonas brother,

he'd be Frankie.

If Gary were a Twilight movie, he'd be all of them.

So, how you holding up, man? Mmm.

Good.

Look, I know we don't usually get...

deep, but if you want to talk about your friend, I'm here.

You worked all night on that, didn't you?

And a little bit this morning.

Meadows just fired him.

Dude walked in to a Post-it note on his computer screen

that said: "Turn me over."

Then the other side said: "See me."

Why the extra step?

I can't lose my job, man.

Nah, you won't. You got passion.

You're the best writer here, everyone knows it.

Meadows wouldn't fire you.

What wouldn't I do?

Is that the last donut, Chip?

It is the last donut, Ms. Meadows.

He always eats the last one

and he never gets any for the office.

Hey, you know, I drove you to IKEA, Cheryl.

And you're gonna play me like this?

Like this, Cheryl?

All right, enough!

Cheryl,

you are gonna need to wear a bell

if you keep sneaking up on people like that.

And you.

Where is your review of the reboot of the Spider-Man reboot?

I'm so sorry. I know it's late.

My best friend just died and I'm...

Oh, yeah, we all got problems, Chip.

My girlfriend's improv team rehearses in my living room.

Believe me, I've got problems.

But I still get my work done on time, now, don't I?

So, just... do better.

Still think she wouldn't fire me?

- No, she'll fire you. - Yeah.

Totally.

And then, my wife dropped the bombshell

that brought me here today.

- Mmm. - Hey.

Hey, babe. How was work?

Uh, not great.

I had to tell a patient he had super gonorrhea.

Ugh.

Got to tell ya,

he didn't find it all that super.

I wouldn't think so, no.

No. Hey, can you turn this off real quick?

Yeah.

Chip, I love you to the moon and back,

but you have been completely checked out since Ray died.

You got to come back to me,

now, okay?

I need you. Because, honey...

... ya girl's pregnant.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, this is fantastic news!

- Honey! - Oh...

Oh, I am here. I'm with you all the way, okay?

I'll be better, babe, I will.

I know you will.

I mean, I don't know you will, like, at all...

it's actually a pretty big concern

but you better.

Excuse me, Gracie.

Uh, do you have any books for when you're just sort of

an overall disaster as a person, but are also going to be

bringing a human child into the world?

Honey, I've been divorced four times,

I bought stock in Blockbuster Video,

and I work the night shift

in one of America's last bookstores.

You don't want my advice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Bible. No, I... that's an accident.

I didn't mean to get that.

You don't want it, put it back.

Do you believe in signs, Gracie?

Again, you're asking the wrong girl.

I escaped from a cult six months ago.

FYI, if anyone ever starts a sentence with "It's not a cult"

they are about to describe a cult.

Uh-huh.

You didn't come to bed last night.

Okay.

You know how I do that master cleanse every year

where I drink the mix of cayenne pepper and lemon juice

for two weeks, drop, like, 20 pounds?

Of course. You pooped your pants at Rite Aid that one time.

I want to do that for nine months.

- Poop your pants at Rite Aid? - No.

- They banned you, remember? - Yeah.

No, no, no. I want to live my life

strictly according to the Bible until our non-ugly baby arrives.

And I got to do it all in.

It's like a soul cleanse.

And I can't explain it exactly, but I feel it.

And this is just, it's something I need to do.

Uh, just changing your life like this, that changes my life, too.

Do you get that?

I mean, are we still gonna have fun?

I'm not throwing out my rap albums.

You know how much I love my filthy, filthy sex rap.

Listen.

I realize it sounds nuts, okay?

- Mm-hmm. - But I just really believe

it's gonna make me a better father for our son or daughter.

Hopefully son.

Well, what if I don't want to raise our kid religious?

I work in medicine. Faith isn't so easy

when you see the things I see all day.

Oh, but come on, you got to have faith.

I mean, what about sunsets?

Or season four of The Wire?

Well, what about super gonorrhea?

Didn't God design that, too?

And if so, why?

That's a great question.

I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Couldn't you, I don't know, like, maybe go to church...

... one time,

before making this huge commitment?

And I am going today. I even made an appointment.

They have those?

Not generally, no.

They were very confused when I called.

But look. Honey,

- don't worry, okay? - Mm-hmm.

It's gonna be the same awesome marriage that we've always had.

Hey, maybe even better.

- Ooh, I'd like that. - Yeah. Okay.

- Mm. - Mwah.

Oh. Except, of course, if it goes beyond the nine months,

I won't be able to touch you while you're on your period.

And if you get too crabby,

I'm supposed to go live in the desert.

You know, it's just Bible stuff. Okay. Toodles, noodles.

And that was this morning,

and now here we are. Sha-bam.

- Hey, Chip. - Mm.

Do you know any short stories?

You do realize it's gonna be impossible

to truly live by the Bible, right?

Well... see, I would think a priest

would want people to live by the Bible.

Yeah! In general, not a hundred percent.

It's not possible.

You're already in breach with your clothes.

What? Why?

You're mixing fabrics.

Leviticus says "Do not wear clothing woven

from two different kinds of thread."

Oh.

That's a hot tip, man. See? This is the stuff I need.

Oh, what do I call you, by the way? I never got your name.

Ah, here. Take my card.

Father Eugenio Alberto Del Castillo Cabeza de Vaca.

Father Gene is fine.

Chip, I tell my Sunday schoolers:

"Bible" stands for

"Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."

That's it.

Yeah, but, see, basic's never really done it for me.

I got to go all the way.

Donuts in the heezy!

Ha-ha!

Hey, killer vest, Cheryl.

Thanks. It's my dead mother's.

No kidding.

Dude, so, I had that chick Josie

meet me here at the office today.

Snuck her down to the parking garage.

We hooked up right on the hood of a Ford Fiesta.

Talk about a fiesta!

Stupid Gary.

If Gary was a shoe, he'd be a Croc.

If Gary was a juice, he'd be prune.

Now you do one.

I...

I'm not gonna be able to participate

in hating Gary anymore.

But you love hating Gary.

W-What's up with you?

And what's up with your threads, man?

You look like a business casual ghost.

I'm just not mixing my fabrics anymore, okay?

It's a long story, but I've been trying to follow the Bible.

- Bible, huh? - Yeah.

I thought you were about due for

another one of your little obsessions. - Nah...

I still have a nunchuk scar on my back

from the last one. - No, look.

That was the old me. "Live by the 'chuks, die by the 'chuks,"

but this is different.

All ght, man. I believe you.

Look, I'm really serious about this, okay?

I got to get myself on track here,

because, well, between us,

Leslie's pregnant.

- What?! - Yeah.

My man. Congratulations.

- Thanks, man. - Good for you. Get your house in order.

Hey. Chipper.

I don't know how much of that you heard a minute ago,

but as always, bro code, all right?

Oh, by the way.

You look like a friggin' Backstreet Boy.

What am I gonna do about Gary?

Don't get involved.

Ah, well, the old me wouldn't have, but now,

I'm gonna have to consult my priest about it.

- Oh, you got a priest? - Yep.

Good idea. Ask him, then.

Nobody knows marriage like guys that can't get married.

I'll take one of those, too.

I am having the worst day.

I just went down to the parking garage to get my purse.

Giant dent on the hood of my Fiesta.

- But it's also legal. - Oh, it is?

- Yeah. - Hey.

Thanks for meeting me. Okay.

So that guy Gary I was telling you about, the one who cheats?

His wife is friends with my wife, who's about

to be here any minute because I'm taking her out to dinner

to celebrate the pending birth of my probably son.

So biblically, what should I do?

Hi, I'm Rabbi Gil Ableman.

- Hey. - How are you?

- Good. - I've never met anyone at the beginning

of a psychotic break before.

I always catch the tail end.

Huh.

Hola, Chip, I see you took

my "no mixed fabrics" notes...

with a vengeance.

I should've been more clear; it doesn't have to be all white.

You can just wear, like, 100% cotton.

Or all denim.

That's a sexy look.

As for your dilemma,

the Bible says you're supposed to stone adulterers.

But of course, you're not gonna be doing that in 2018,

'cause of jail.

You know, this may come as a shock,

but my people would say to stay out of it.

The Talmud states that evil gossip kills three, right?

The one who says it, the one who listens, and the subject of the gossip.

So in other words, you really can't win here,

and you may have just killed us all.

Oh, hey. So, uh, guys?

If you guys could just make my new lifestyle

seem as normal to her as possible,

that would really help me out tremendously.

We'll try, but you look like Diane Keaton.

Hey.

You must be

the most patient woman in the history of time.

Pretty much, yeah.

And you're Chip's priest.

Oh, feels weird

saying "Chip's priest"

I consider Chip Catholic in the same way

I consider the Olive Garden Italian.

I'm Rabbi Gil.

- Leslie. - And how are you, uh, handling

Chip's totally normal new life?

See, I got you, bubbie.

Well, I am not religious at all, and he's approaching

"clipboard outside of Trader Joe's" religious,

so I am not sure how we're gonna raise a kid together.

But other than that... yeah.

Listen, you both want your child

to be a kind and loving human being, right?

- Yes. - Absolutely.

Then raise it th way. The world needs more of those.

And if you need to snip-snip, you know...

You can Yelp me.

That's great. Thank you.

- Um, we're late for dinner. - Yes.

It was so great meeting you guys, but mama need pasta.

Gene, I got your number.

Happy to help, Chip.

You two are his answer guys now.

His, um, God Squad, if you will.

Oh!

Will you look at this? Huh?

A priest, a rabbi, a lapsed Catholic and a nonbeliever

walk into a bar and...

... th-they make new friends.

And I know the instinct is to make me the Ross

because I'm somewhat Jewish,

but I'm really more of a Chandler,

and let me tell you why.

- Ooh. - Ah.

Mm-hmm.

None for me. Gluttony.

One of the seven deadlies.

Brad Pitt. "What's in the box"

Gwyneth Paltrow's head. You saw the film.

Hey, more for mama.

I've been calling myself "mama" a lot lately.

You're glowing already, you know that?

This ol' thing?

Hey, you're glowing, too.

It makes me so happy to see you charged up about life again.

- Hmm. - It's been awhile.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Oh, you got to be kidding me. - What?

What are you looking at? Wait, that's Gary.

That's Gary and that's not Tracy.

Who is that girl?

Okay, just, let's calm down.

"Calm down"?

I'm pregnant, dude. I'm calming up.

- Come over here with me. - Oh, please, don't.

Yep.

Hey, Gare. What...

Hey.

Chip. Leslie.

Yeah.

Oh, this is, uh, Josie, my assistant.

Tell her, Chip.

Tell her how they gave me an assistant down at the paper.

Uh, so, they're... wait, so they're firing people

left and right, and they gave you an assistant?

Yeah, yeah.

Isn't that right... bro?

Yeah.

Brah.

Is Josie here Gary's assistant?

Hey, Chipper, answer your wife, man.

Chip, baby.

What are you doing with that rock?

I don't want...

Ow! What the hell, man?!

You still think we aren't gonna have any fun?!

Hey, Gary's not here yet, is he?

No one's asked me to smell or pull his finger yet, so nope.

Oh, no.

What's up? What's it say?

"See me."

Dang.

Please, don't fire me.

I am sure that you have rules

about throwing a rock at a coworker, but...

Wait, you threw a rock at a coworker?

You threw a rock at a coworker?!

Chip, I wanted to see you because everybody

is out of control arguing about this Bible thing you're doing.

The janitor just called me a punk-ass bitch.

I am so sorry.

Are you kidding? I love it.

I haven't seen the office this fired up about something

since Brenda's top fell off at the Christmas party.

I have got to start going to the Christmas party.

How would you like to write about your journey, Chip?

Well, what are we talking about here?

Three additional articles a week.

And more money, of course.

Hey, I want more money.

You come out of the vents or something?

Go.

Yes, I'll do it.

I mean, thank you.

Maybe it'll even help out the community.

Oh, no, I don't care about the community.

I just want to sell more papers.

You are gonna do great, Chip.

I always thought you had more in you

- than just those film reviews. - Oh.

You are the best writer here.

Hey, what about me?

You write obituaries, Cheryl.

Bible, baby!

Hey, I got something to say to you, maniac.

Hang on. Hang on. About the stone,

- I don't know what I was thinking. - Thanks.

Did you say, "thanks"?

I told Tracy everything.

I've been a bad person.

We're gonna go to counseling.

So... thanks.

But I'm still real pissed at you, bro.

Bible, baby.

You're making more money, you're happier,

and you got to hit Gary in the face with a rock?

I might have to try this Bible thing out my damn self.

- Darn self. - Darn self. Yeah.

Ah, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.

And I know you're up there in Heaven,

regardless of what your mom says.

All right, well,

you probably got a Prince concert you're going to

with John Candy or something cool like that.

I love you, buddy.

Big time.

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