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1
00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:36,201
Bullshit!
2
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,603
No.
3
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,371
Since when?
4
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:42,741
Since 15 years ago.
5
00:00:43,643 --> 00:00:45,077
Bullshit.
6
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:46,111
No, it's not.
7
00:00:46,113 --> 00:00:48,147
Where's your ring?
8
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,118
Ha! I know
a cracker Jack prize
9
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,087
when I see one.
Where is he, then?
10
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,522
He is in la
with a client right now.
11
00:00:56,524 --> 00:01:00,626
Okay, well,
where's your
wedding-type snapshots
12
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:04,563
and, you know,
pretty photos of you
and this husband?
13
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,098
We host a lot
of parties here,
14
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:09,568
and Grady thinks
that personal artifacts
are tacky, so that's why...
15
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:10,636
G... Grady?
Yes.
16
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:12,104
His name is Grady?
Come on.
17
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,740
Yes... yes, stensland,
his name is Grady.
18
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,411
Bullshit!
Ha! Nice try.
19
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,181
Jesus, I can't
believe you, Morgan.
20
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:23,482
Where...
Where are you going?
21
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,185
To expose
the lack of man clothing
in your closet
22
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,654
and prove that
you're bullshitting.
23
00:01:29,622 --> 00:01:31,690
What the fuck!
24
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,226
I'm married!
25
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:37,229
Tell me you don't have kids.
Were they watching us?
26
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:40,265
No. I don't...
Why would I have
my kids watching...
27
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:41,333
I don't have any kids.
28
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,202
You don't have kids
because he's a violent drunk.
29
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,470
No, we just...
He'd beat them.
30
00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,705
Each other is all we've ever
really wanted or needed,
31
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,507
so we don't have kids.
32
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:53,712
"Was." So, you'll be
separated soon, right?
33
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,547
No.
34
00:01:56,249 --> 00:01:58,750
Then what the fuck is this?
35
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:01,720
You held my hand
in the cab yesterday!
36
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:04,323
That isn't
the action of a woman
just looking for great sex
37
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:10,229
behind her hubby's back,
that's a woman
looking for doctor Zhivago!
38
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,197
This...
39
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,602
He cheated on me, okay?
40
00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:17,769
He cheated on you?
41
00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,807
And I held your hand yesterday
because I like you, stensland.
42
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:27,412
Aw.
You know, I'm still...
I'm still crushable.
43
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:29,548
"Crushable"?
44
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:33,418
You can't even say
the word "love," can you?
45
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,188
You know, you can...
You can free the penis now.
46
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:37,856
I mean, I've seen you naked
for the past two days.
47
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:41,894
You've been seeing me naked
under sheets
and in limited light.
48
00:02:41,896 --> 00:02:44,363
I've got very wide hips
that make my unit
49
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,298
look a lot smaller
than it actually is.
50
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,900
So it's like
an optical illusion?
51
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,669
Yes! I've got bitch hips.
Leave it be.
52
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,206
Okay, listen.
This was so much fun.
53
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:54,940
And so, thank you.
54
00:02:54,942 --> 00:03:02,281
But this is the last time
that we will be
seeing each other, okay?
55
00:03:02,815 --> 00:03:06,585
Good. I was testing you.
56
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,487
Oh, phew!
57
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:10,255
What a load off my mind.
58
00:03:10,257 --> 00:03:12,858
Oh, you know,
my biggest fear,
59
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,693
since we started
hookin' up, baby,
60
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,564
was that you would think
this was something
more than fucking,
61
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,532
like, god forbid, love.
62
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,201
Love, love, love.
Listen, I...
63
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:26,205
I didn't want to hurt you.
I'm really sorry.
64
00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:28,340
You're sorry?
65
00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:31,410
As for these...
66
00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:35,814
Something tells me
they're due
for a dry cleaning.
67
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:37,482
Oh... what are you doing?
68
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,418
What is wrong with you?
69
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,452
Good day, madam.
70
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,956
Oh. Oh,
that was real mature.
71
00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:11,817
What?
72
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,455
"Crushable"?
73
00:04:17,824 --> 00:04:19,258
How dare she?
74
00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:20,692
All right, the usual.
75
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,695
One pink scone,
one strawberry milk.
76
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:24,963
So $4.53.
77
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,734
You, uh... you doing
all right, stensland?
78
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:34,406
Could someone let me
borrow 53 cents?
79
00:04:54,861 --> 00:04:55,994
Sweet Christ, not now.
80
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,664
Woman, I don't know
what you're saying!
81
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,432
No, not a single
decipherable word!
82
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:04,303
It's the same
puzzling dance every day!
83
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,705
Shut up!
84
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:16,415
You're not the smartest,
you're not the coolest,
85
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:17,582
you're not the best-looking,
86
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,352
but god damn it,
you are something.
87
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,921
You've got something
that attracts people.
88
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,425
You've got something
that attracts the ladies.
89
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,994
They don't know what it is,
you don't know what it is,
90
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:34,599
but it's there, cocooned,
growing and learning.
91
00:05:34,601 --> 00:05:38,704
And one day, you'll bloom
into a big, beautiful condor
92
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,840
that people
will respect and fear.
93
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:46,812
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland,"
they'll say.
94
00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:51,516
"I can't believe
that used to be stensland."
95
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:16,441
Hello, old friend.
96
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:24,716
Go ahead.
97
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:26,118
Oh, great episode.
98
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:29,955
Stensland?
Oh, you are here.
99
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,157
Hey.
100
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,024
Hey.
101
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,092
Nah, I'm... I'm good.
102
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,828
I thought you said
you were going to
stop smoking during the day?
103
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,030
Oh, look,
my dead mom's back.
Great.
104
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,733
My god,
what's the matter with you?
105
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:44,703
Morgan
dumped me, okay?
106
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,104
She's married.
107
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:48,140
Is that the older lady
you met at
the furniture store?
108
00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:51,143
Don't make her sound
like Jessica tandy.
She's in her July.
109
00:06:51,145 --> 00:06:55,113
Whatever, man.
At least you got
sex without strings.
110
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:56,548
I want strings.
111
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:59,451
I want commitment
and mutual adoration.
112
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,920
I want to pass the bong
to someone with boobs.
113
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,856
I want the danger
of forgetting anniversaries
114
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,425
and the pain
of holding in farts
115
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,692
because someone
is sharing my bed.
116
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:11,062
I want a girlfriend, Lyle.
I know, I know.
117
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,631
I'm sorry
to change the subject,
118
00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,734
but you noticed
the cardboard boxes, right?
119
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:16,768
Did you drink and ebay?
120
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:20,038
No, I started
moving over to Linda's.
121
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,173
Already?
122
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:23,708
You need to find
another roommate, man.
123
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,110
Is this mine?
124
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,011
I like you.
125
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:30,549
I like you, too, buddy,
just not as much as Linda.
I love her.
126
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:31,917
All right, well,
I'm out of here
127
00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,952
a week from tomorrow,
next Monday.
128
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,756
So find another roommate,
stens.
129
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,791
God damn it.
130
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:45,630
...life imitating art imitating life?
131
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:50,535
...and maybe, you know, it's not part of the plan.
132
00:07:50,537 --> 00:07:52,037
Then again, I never thought that
133
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:55,674
losing you was part of the plan, either.
134
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:56,475
Oh...
135
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:59,978
I think sometimes you have to lose somebody completely
136
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:03,849
before you can figure out what they really mean to you.
137
00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:08,220
Oh, d-dog,
laying down the truth.
138
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:10,522
Hi, it's me...
139
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:11,756
Oh, Jesus!
140
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,091
Morgan, would you please
call me back?
141
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,894
I worry I'm beginning
to look desperate.
142
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,597
Phew!
It smells bad in here.
143
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:19,998
What are you doing?
144
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,166
Oh...
145
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,702
I'm, uh, relaxing.
146
00:08:23,836 --> 00:08:25,203
What about work?
147
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,072
Oh, I'm on leave.
148
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,540
You're not in the Navy.
149
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,108
You work six-hour shifts
at an antique shop.
150
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,043
Why do you
need a leave?
My breakup!
151
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,613
For Christ's sake, man.
Was the sex that good?
152
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:36,982
Good?
It was transcendent, Lyle.
153
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,519
My spiritual self
is still making an o-face.
154
00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,920
But I'm not
mourning the sex.
155
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,588
I'm mourning what
we might have been.
156
00:08:43,590 --> 00:08:47,025
That tiny taste of affection
has made it very evident to me
157
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,727
that something's
missing from my life.
158
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:53,198
Okay. I'm just surprised
the store gave you
this much time off.
159
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,032
Well...
160
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:59,004
This is more like
one of those self-allotted
time-out leaves, you know?
161
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,005
What? Go to work!
162
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,674
Stensland! I'm going to be
totally moved out tomorrow.
163
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:04,042
You said I had till Monday.
164
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,277
Tomorrow is Monday, man.
165
00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:09,214
Tomorrow's Monday?
Tomorrow's Monday.
Come on.
166
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:13,852
Shit. This chiba
is unforgiving.
167
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,692
Ah, Mr. laframboise.
168
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:57,796
I was just
mulling a froyo break.
You want one?
169
00:09:58,064 --> 00:09:59,164
This is the last check.
170
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:02,334
You don't showing up one week,
no call, no nothing!
171
00:10:02,336 --> 00:10:05,904
Wait a minute,
are we doing a scene
from the pawnbroker?
172
00:10:05,906 --> 00:10:09,874
Mr. laframboise,
are you back in acting class?
That's great.
173
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,843
Get out!
Oh, okay, all right.
174
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,079
You're a passionate bear,
you're upset, I get it.
175
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:17,082
I need to work
on my communication skills,
that's clear.
176
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,951
But I'm pretty sure
i was already due
a vacation week,
177
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,120
so can we just
sit back, relax,
178
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,089
I'll put on some
Jasmine tea, chill out...
179
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,256
Sir?
What?
180
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,891
I think this varnish
may have turned,
181
00:10:26,893 --> 00:10:31,696
and I would hate to compromise
the honesty of that
victorian end table.
182
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,099
Sorry, am I interrupting?
183
00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:36,635
Who the fuck is this?
184
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:37,402
New stensland.
185
00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:41,106
There's no other stensland.
How could you say that?
186
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,273
Um, my name is Pierce.
187
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:45,744
Mr. laframboise,
your assumption
that my absence
188
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,179
is barren of a logical
explanation offends me.
189
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,749
We're closer
than this.
No, we're not.
190
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,350
Okay, look,
here's what happened.
191
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:55,720
I was sideswiped
by a nasty cyclone
known as "woman."
192
00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:59,924
Lost aimlessly in her deceit,
and it stung like a biatch.
193
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:04,963
So, please, just give me
another chance.
194
00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,332
Fuck you!
195
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:20,979
Morgan!
196
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:27,085
Morgan!
197
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,820
Hey! Hey, asshole!
Come back here!
198
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:31,456
- Morgan!
- You can't go in there.
199
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,391
Morgan!
200
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:35,326
Stensland.
201
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:38,196
She remembers my name.
Shocker.
202
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,197
I'm calling security.
203
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,433
No, no. No, it's okay.
No, it's okay. We're okay.
204
00:11:41,435 --> 00:11:42,434
You know this guy?
205
00:11:42,436 --> 00:11:44,069
Yeah, no, no.
I'll handle it.
It's okay.
206
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:47,072
Moneypenny,
could you order us up
some sandwiches and lemonade?
207
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,139
This'll take a while.
208
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,741
- No, it won't.
- Yes, it will.
209
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,443
Thank you, Hannah.
Thanks, honey.
I got this.
210
00:11:51,445 --> 00:11:54,012
Yeah, no, no, this is,
um... stensland.
211
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:57,949
It's not a thing at all.
It's just a, um...
212
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,919
Okay.
Thanks, honey.
213
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,255
What do you want?
"What do you want?"
214
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,356
We made love
a week ago.
215
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:08,359
I'm no dildo you wipe off
and put back in the drawer.
216
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,395
Why haven't you
called me back?
217
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,731
Because that was it.
218
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,165
It was a one-time thing.
219
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,834
I don't care
if you're married, Morgan.
220
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,837
I still love you.
You love me, it's just...
What?
221
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,405
What does that even mean?
222
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,208
It means let's keep on
keepin' on.
223
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:26,377
Let's ride this
naughty little secret.
224
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,178
No.
225
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:30,782
Why? Isn't he cheating
on you, too?
226
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,417
I don't know.
227
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:33,251
Oh...
228
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,754
Now you don't know!
229
00:12:42,061 --> 00:12:43,995
Is that him?
230
00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,764
Yes.
231
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,932
He has a moustache?
232
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,534
Yes.
233
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,940
I want $15,000,
or I'm gonna tell him.
234
00:12:55,942 --> 00:12:57,342
Mmm?
235
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:00,345
I'm sorry.
236
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:03,882
I'm sorry, you're...
You're gonna
have to repeat that.
237
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,450
What?
238
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,353
I demand you pay me $15,000,
239
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:13,224
or I'm gonna find Grady
and tell him everything.
240
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,896
What the hell
are you doing, stens?
241
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:21,800
"Stens," she says!
Using the abridged
pet name to disarm me.
242
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,434
You're scared.
Really?
243
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,370
Grady's a criminal
defense lawyer.
244
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:28,406
I doubt he will believe
that I slept with you.
245
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,207
Okay?
246
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:30,875
Oh, he'll believe me,
all right.
247
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:34,045
Why? Did you
record us or something?
248
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:37,348
No, but I have
evidence of passion.
249
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:38,283
Remember this?
250
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:42,453
"Kiss me between
my shoulder blades,
stensland."
251
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,454
And remember this?
252
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:47,859
"Rub my ass like
this when you're going
down on me, stensland."
253
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,060
And what about this?
254
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,361
Will this be
evidence enough
255
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,997
when I explain to Grady
in graphic, carnal detail
256
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:57,435
that shaky little
twitch dance you do
when you come?
257
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,437
How does the chirp go?
258
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,848
You don't get it, do you?
259
00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:10,615
What?
260
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,084
I already told him.
261
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,586
Bullshit.
262
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:16,354
No, I did.
263
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,623
You see, I was...
264
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:21,426
I was looking for someone
to have an affair with,
265
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:23,127
so I could
throw it in his face
266
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:27,265
to show him that
I'm not just gonna
sit here and smile
267
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,600
while he tunes out
our marriage
268
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:31,236
and does god knows
what he's doing out there.
269
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,238
Mm-hmm, and, uh,
what did he say?
270
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,875
He said a lot of stuff
that's none of your business.
271
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,543
But we're gonna
work it out.
272
00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:42,180
You're going
to work it out?
Yeah.
273
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:45,950
Kid, I hate to crush
your spirit here,
274
00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:49,087
but you're forcing me to.
275
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:51,155
You're my pawn.
276
00:14:51,157 --> 00:14:56,127
You're like my
little revenge marionette.
277
00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:03,101
You haven't told him
diddly squat, have you?
278
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,337
Stensland holds
all the cards.
279
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:07,405
15 grand, sweetheart,
280
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,242
or me and Grady
are going to sit down
and talk Turkey.
281
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,311
Good day, madam.
282
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:15,346
Oh, look!
283
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:21,286
Uh-oh. The little
pitcher has big ears.
Yenta, yenta.
284
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:24,255
Who the fuck is that?
285
00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:31,095
Hey.
Are you all right?
286
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,563
Yeah, no, I'm good. Um...
287
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:36,301
How much of that did you hear?
288
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:37,535
None of it.
289
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,370
Oh, okay.
290
00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:40,638
A little.
291
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,042
Okay, I heard everything.
292
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,243
You slept with that guy?
293
00:15:45,245 --> 00:15:47,278
Oh, Hannah,
i was in the store,
and I was depressed,
294
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,349
and I was
thinking about, like,
"who the hell is Grady?"
295
00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:54,018
And, "why the hell
am I in the store?"
296
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:55,153
And then this kid comes up
297
00:15:55,155 --> 00:16:00,058
and starts flirting with me
like I'm Princess grace
or something.
298
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,392
Now I have a stalker.
299
00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:04,362
It's like, of course
i sleep with
the one guy on the planet
300
00:16:04,364 --> 00:16:09,701
who's pissed off
that his one-night stand
isn't just a one-night stand.
301
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:12,103
Don't sweat it, okay?
302
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:15,206
You already told Grady, so...
303
00:16:15,274 --> 00:16:18,543
No.
You haven't told Grady?
304
00:16:19,545 --> 00:16:22,013
Yeah, you're screwed.
305
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:31,689
Balls of wonder,
balls of might...
306
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,528
Law offices of dott and rosen.
307
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,563
Grady dott, please.
308
00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:41,199
I'm sorry, he's out of the office. Would you like his voicemail?
309
00:16:41,201 --> 00:16:43,668
No, no, no,
patch me through
to his personal cell.
310
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,036
This is an emergency.
311
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,671
Your name?
Stensland.
312
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,740
Please hold.
Mmm-hmm.
313
00:16:48,742 --> 00:16:51,642
Mr. stensland, what's this concerning?
314
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:55,279
Uh, I fucked his wife
many times?
315
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:58,182
Please hold.
Uh-huh.
316
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:01,119
Yeah, no baloney. Come on.
317
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,754
This is Grady dott.
318
00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:05,156
Mr. dott, my name
is stensland.
319
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:08,059
I'm a 29-year-old,
unemployed
diamond in the rough
320
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,261
with no foreseeable
opportunities for financial
321
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:11,696
or personal success
until my death.
322
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:16,100
It's my sad duty to inform you
that I met your wife,
Morgan, last week
323
00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:17,535
in soft solutions
fine furnishings,
324
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:20,571
whereupon she took me
back to your home
and made love to me.
325
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,640
At no point over the weekend
did she inform me
326
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,809
that she was maritally
or otherwise spoken for...
327
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:27,278
Stensland?
Yeah?
328
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,380
She told me.
329
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:30,148
Oh.
330
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:34,519
Now I'm going to find you, and I'm going to kill you.
331
00:17:53,405 --> 00:17:55,540
You need
to find yourself
a girl your own age.
332
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,576
One who hasn't
already been fucked up
by some other asshole,
333
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:03,214
so you can fuck her up
your own damn self,
your own damn way.
334
00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:06,284
Ella, Internet dating
has turned you cold.
335
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:09,353
She's right.
This Morgan's a mess.
336
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:10,421
Stay sane, stay away.
337
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,491
Spend that love
on a woman who wants it.
Amen.
338
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,493
That's right.
339
00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,495
Hit me with it straight,
Denise.
340
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:20,631
Coast is clear.
No one's outside
your apartment, doll.
341
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,634
Typical. That chump
ain't gonna fight for her.
342
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,504
Ladies, let's get
shit-faced.
343
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:55,266
You've fucked
your last wife, stensland.
344
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:56,134
Stensland?
345
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,136
No, no, no.
Sir, my name
isn't stensland.
346
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,805
My name is Grady.
347
00:19:01,406 --> 00:19:02,507
Wrong.
348
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:03,508
Oh, god!
349
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,410
Don't! God...
350
00:19:12,618 --> 00:19:13,918
Oh, god...
351
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,787
Hey, guy, the gun was
just to fuck with you.
352
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,289
So you're not
gonna kill me?
353
00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:21,225
No. My receptionist
was listening in
when I threatened you,
354
00:19:21,227 --> 00:19:22,727
which means I'd have
to kill her as well.
355
00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:26,564
And there's no way
I'm breaking in
a new receptionist.
356
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:27,331
No, sir.
357
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:31,836
I am, however, going to kick
the ever-loving
shit out of you.
358
00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:33,671
No, please...
359
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:38,342
Please don't kick
the ever-loving
shit out of me.
360
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,477
What are you doing?
361
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,646
I just...
I bruise so easily.
362
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,681
Come on.
363
00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:46,184
Huh...
364
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:47,919
Just don't...
You've urinated
in your shorts.
365
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:52,190
Yes! You pointed
a gun at my face,
and I already had to go.
366
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,192
Jesus, Morgan!
367
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,227
This is bullshit.
368
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:57,595
She really knows
how to pick 'em.
369
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:58,896
She picked you
to cheat with?
370
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:01,566
Yes. Are you still
kicking the shit out of me?
371
00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:05,503
Yes, so just sit there
and shut up.
372
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,575
Jesus Christ,
your apartment looks like
373
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,311
the cargo hold
of a pirate ship.
374
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:13,978
Thank you.
375
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,613
It's not a compliment,
dumbass.
376
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,982
This is literally
a shit hole.
377
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:18,849
It stinks.
378
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,818
What is that, beef
chow mein from last week?
379
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:23,254
And your bong water
spilled everywhere?
380
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,257
And now it smells
like your cowardly urine.
381
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,291
It smells like man.
382
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:31,295
Don't call yourself that
in front of me.
383
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:35,733
Huh.
384
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,501
I'll be damned.
385
00:20:37,503 --> 00:20:39,770
I didn't realize
they still made those.
386
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:42,840
"Shanty.
Irish mulligan stew."
387
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:43,841
Hey, don't rag it.
388
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:47,245
That is a hearty bouillon
at an affordable price.
389
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,246
I know what it is.
390
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:51,382
It's all I ate
when I was poor
and pathetic like you.
391
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,919
Well, the tradition
continues.
392
00:20:58,690 --> 00:21:00,958
What happened
in your shorts?
393
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:03,327
It's a twosie.
394
00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,698
Mmm, mmm.
395
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:10,601
Mmm, that was good.
396
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,303
Okay, so level with me.
397
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:14,972
Did Morgan pay you
to tell me you had sex?
398
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:19,844
No.
And I didn't know
she was married either.
399
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:20,578
Yeah.
400
00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:24,282
Hey, why did you
cheat on her?
401
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:27,952
I didn't cheat
on her. God...
402
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:31,455
She picked up
a scent of perfume
on one of my shirts,
403
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:32,757
so that got her
to thinking,
404
00:21:32,759 --> 00:21:35,860
and you know what happens
when vexed women
start thinking.
405
00:21:35,862 --> 00:21:38,663
Civilizations fall, son.
406
00:21:38,665 --> 00:21:39,764
You can bank on that.
407
00:21:39,766 --> 00:21:41,732
So after a couple
of business trips ran long,
408
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:46,404
the logical conclusion
to her irrational
female intellect
409
00:21:46,406 --> 00:21:49,707
was that I was
in fact cheating.
410
00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:50,641
Typical women.
411
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:54,312
A brother can't even
be late and tired.
412
00:21:55,915 --> 00:21:56,914
That's for sure.
413
00:21:56,916 --> 00:21:58,416
Oh, we give them
our hearts,
414
00:21:58,418 --> 00:22:01,986
our penises,
and still
they do not trust us.
415
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:06,991
That was a good one.
416
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:08,993
The old shower vomit.
417
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,095
Yeah, I miss those days.
418
00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:14,899
Yeah, I mean,
after 15 years
of marriage,
419
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:15,933
it's not so hot anymore.
420
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:18,969
Do I get the urge
to mess around
with other women?
421
00:22:18,971 --> 00:22:19,937
Of course I do.
422
00:22:19,939 --> 00:22:22,940
You can't control
what goes through
this mastermind.
423
00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:23,641
No.
424
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:27,078
That'd go against
the very nature of man,
the very essence of evolution.
425
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,114
When I get the desire
to bang some strange,
426
00:22:30,116 --> 00:22:33,718
I just go find
a quiet place, rub one out.
427
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:35,486
Hence, desire quenched.
428
00:22:35,488 --> 00:22:37,855
Hey, you don't have
to tell me about quenches.
429
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:41,859
I desire my quench
all the fuckin' time.
430
00:22:41,993 --> 00:22:43,694
But you don't hate me?
431
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,830
No, I don't hate you.
432
00:22:45,832 --> 00:22:48,532
Morgan's a beautiful woman.
433
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,835
What are you gonna do?
434
00:22:50,837 --> 00:22:53,104
Ah, don't worry about me.
435
00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:55,606
Just get some rest.
436
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:41,852
What the...
437
00:23:48,059 --> 00:23:53,197
Ah, there's the ol' lush,
sleeping in.
438
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:56,434
Oh, I hope you don't mind,
i took a couple of hits
off the bong.
439
00:23:56,436 --> 00:24:00,704
I hadn't gotten high
since the stones'
"Bridges to Babylon" tour.
440
00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:03,541
Yeah.
How do you like
your eggs?
441
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:04,608
Um...
442
00:24:04,610 --> 00:24:05,709
Scrambled?
443
00:24:05,711 --> 00:24:06,677
Scrambled it is.
444
00:24:06,679 --> 00:24:08,579
Four out of five American men
prefer scrambled.
445
00:24:08,581 --> 00:24:12,750
Over there in Europe,
they're all about the poach.
446
00:24:12,752 --> 00:24:15,820
Those guys are such pussies.
447
00:24:15,921 --> 00:24:17,188
Bacon?
448
00:24:17,190 --> 00:24:18,889
Uh, sure.
449
00:24:18,891 --> 00:24:20,758
I had bacon? And eggs?
450
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:23,828
No. I went out
and picked up
a few things.
451
00:24:23,830 --> 00:24:26,030
Yeah,
including some luggage.
452
00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:28,899
No, that was in the car.
453
00:24:29,634 --> 00:24:32,036
So, you left her.
454
00:24:32,038 --> 00:24:35,673
Temporarily.
She'll feel
more guilt that way.
455
00:24:35,675 --> 00:24:38,008
Ooh! Ah...
456
00:24:38,010 --> 00:24:41,078
There she is. "Decline."
457
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,682
Oh, you know what?
I saw this article
on the refrigerator.
458
00:24:44,684 --> 00:24:49,119
Piqued my curiosity.
"Men's life crisis at age 25."
459
00:24:49,121 --> 00:24:51,088
Yeah, that's what's
wrong with me.
460
00:24:51,090 --> 00:24:54,191
There is now a life crisis
before the mid-life crisis
461
00:24:54,193 --> 00:24:58,496
that experts are calling
the "early-life crisis."
462
00:24:58,498 --> 00:24:59,530
Oh, that's clever.
463
00:24:59,532 --> 00:25:01,732
Yeah. I've been
stuck in one of those.
464
00:25:01,734 --> 00:25:02,867
Yeah? For how long?
465
00:25:02,869 --> 00:25:04,568
Just over eight years.
466
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:05,569
Close to a decade.
467
00:25:05,571 --> 00:25:08,138
I'm suffering
from over-ambitious
aspirations for myself,
468
00:25:08,140 --> 00:25:11,175
so I worry about
getting a better job,
469
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,710
I desire
a nicer place to live,
470
00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:15,179
and swankier clothes to wear,
and hotter girls.
471
00:25:15,181 --> 00:25:19,917
And I want to attain
all of this while
I'm eradicating my debt.
472
00:25:19,919 --> 00:25:21,085
It's ridiculous.
473
00:25:21,087 --> 00:25:23,654
"Should adopt
more realistic ambitions
474
00:25:23,656 --> 00:25:25,823
"to feel happier
and less stress."
475
00:25:25,825 --> 00:25:27,258
That's easy
for them to say.
476
00:25:27,260 --> 00:25:30,961
They have an awesome job
at a magazine.
477
00:25:31,663 --> 00:25:33,230
Dickheads.
478
00:25:38,604 --> 00:25:41,005
I'm moving in here
for a while.
479
00:25:41,606 --> 00:25:42,606
What?
Yeah.
480
00:25:42,608 --> 00:25:46,577
Morgan's faithlessness
has emboldened me
481
00:25:46,579 --> 00:25:48,879
to take a vacation
from her,
482
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:52,249
from our marriage,
from my career.
483
00:25:52,251 --> 00:25:53,784
Yeah. I want
to spend it here.
484
00:25:53,786 --> 00:25:57,221
You said it looked like
a pirate ship
and smelled of beef noodles.
485
00:25:57,223 --> 00:26:02,159
And you said
it smelled of man,
and you were right.
486
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:03,561
I... I was?
487
00:26:03,563 --> 00:26:05,863
Yes. What the fuck
am I going to do?
488
00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:07,665
I'm going to lay around
a swanky hotel
489
00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:12,303
swimming pool in a fluffy robe
with a slice of cucumber
in my water?
490
00:26:12,305 --> 00:26:15,072
Order caviar-topped potatoes?
491
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,006
Get massages?
492
00:26:16,008 --> 00:26:18,742
I started making
a little bit of money
as a lawyer
493
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:21,912
and turned
into George Hamilton.
494
00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:23,047
I don't know who that is.
495
00:26:23,049 --> 00:26:26,750
Morgan is largely responsible
for me becoming fancy.
496
00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:30,955
The flat screen
had to be moved
out of the bathroom.
497
00:26:30,957 --> 00:26:34,191
Can't eat any food
anywhere near
the Italian bed linens.
498
00:26:34,193 --> 00:26:38,796
She's even got me
wearing pink Polo shirts
on the weekend.
499
00:26:38,798 --> 00:26:39,930
Pink is sometimes nice.
500
00:26:39,932 --> 00:26:41,332
Yeah, it's nice
on birthday cakes.
501
00:26:41,334 --> 00:26:46,103
But it doesn't belong
on a rough-riding
son of a bitch like me.
502
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:46,937
Or you!
503
00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:51,809
This whole man-shed experience
has brought me back
to a blissful time
504
00:26:51,811 --> 00:26:53,377
when I was
emotionally unformed
505
00:26:53,379 --> 00:26:57,681
and completely devoid
of a woman's
redecorating tips.
506
00:26:57,683 --> 00:27:01,018
All I did in those days
was follow my pecker around.
507
00:27:01,020 --> 00:27:04,822
I didn't give a fuck
about anybody or anything.
508
00:27:04,824 --> 00:27:07,324
Here.
What I need is here.
509
00:27:07,326 --> 00:27:09,026
I can do anything.
510
00:27:09,028 --> 00:27:12,262
I can freeball
on this ugly couch.
511
00:27:12,264 --> 00:27:13,230
Don't say that.
512
00:27:13,232 --> 00:27:16,166
I can eat chili fries
in that filthy shower.
513
00:27:16,168 --> 00:27:21,405
I can binge-drink
without judgment
anytime I want.
514
00:27:21,407 --> 00:27:25,409
I appreciate you making
my man-shed sound poetic,
515
00:27:25,411 --> 00:27:29,046
but why don't you just
get your own private flop?
516
00:27:29,048 --> 00:27:31,348
Why do you need
to share with me?
517
00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:32,783
That's the genius part.
518
00:27:32,785 --> 00:27:39,857
This is the ice cream
on top of the pie,
on top of the candy bar.
519
00:27:40,258 --> 00:27:42,393
You don't see it, do you?
520
00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:43,827
I don't.
521
00:27:43,829 --> 00:27:46,864
Morgan's fucked us
both over, correct?
522
00:27:47,432 --> 00:27:48,365
Very correct.
523
00:27:48,367 --> 00:27:52,069
Do you know how batshit crazy
she is gonna go
524
00:27:52,071 --> 00:27:56,006
when she finds out
that we're living together?
525
00:27:56,708 --> 00:27:57,274
Ooh.
526
00:27:57,276 --> 00:27:58,976
I'm going to pay
the rent.
527
00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:00,277
I'm gonna pay
for utilities,
528
00:28:00,279 --> 00:28:04,114
groceries, weed,
booze, whatever.
529
00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:06,917
I'm going to pay
for everything.
530
00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:11,422
Rent's due on the first.
531
00:28:13,925 --> 00:28:18,128
And the first variation is to lean to one skate.
532
00:28:18,130 --> 00:28:20,264
This is a really good stretch for your side.
533
00:28:20,266 --> 00:28:24,268
Okay, go ahead and come up, square your shoulders.
534
00:28:24,270 --> 00:28:27,304
Try to reach for your other skate.
535
00:28:28,340 --> 00:28:30,174
Shit, that's
a cop knock.
536
00:28:30,176 --> 00:28:32,943
No, that's
a muumuu knock.
537
00:28:33,946 --> 00:28:36,246
Wait, this could
be the weed talking,
538
00:28:36,248 --> 00:28:37,448
but there's a cow
at the door?
539
00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:42,219
No, it's our
indecipherable landlord
who only wears guess what?
540
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:45,856
Sorry about
the noise last night.
541
00:28:46,491 --> 00:28:47,391
She sounds sexy.
542
00:28:47,393 --> 00:28:50,060
Yeah, she's got
charm for days.
543
00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:51,495
Lyle, my old roommate,
544
00:28:51,497 --> 00:28:55,399
he thinks she runs guns
out of the laundry room.
545
00:28:57,402 --> 00:29:00,370
What are your plans
for the rest of the day?
Hmm...
546
00:29:00,372 --> 00:29:04,842
These leg lunges
supersede any plans I had
for the rest of my life.
547
00:29:04,844 --> 00:29:07,244
Lean into it.
548
00:29:07,246 --> 00:29:08,412
Don't forget to breathe.
549
00:29:08,414 --> 00:29:12,382
You know
where I've always
wanted to have lunch?
550
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,187
How's it going
with that hangover?
551
00:29:17,189 --> 00:29:18,489
I think
it's getting worse.
552
00:29:18,491 --> 00:29:22,359
Well, damn it, boy,
hit it with another
engineer beer.
553
00:29:22,361 --> 00:29:25,262
Or some of that
choo-choo chicken.
554
00:29:25,330 --> 00:29:26,396
Look at this.
555
00:29:26,398 --> 00:29:28,198
We had breakfast,
like, an hour ago.
556
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:31,301
Slow down.
You're going to give
yourself a heart attack.
557
00:29:31,303 --> 00:29:32,903
Get used to my gluttony.
558
00:29:32,905 --> 00:29:36,073
I tend to eat
a lot on vacation.
559
00:29:36,075 --> 00:29:39,042
Did... that... did...
What the fuck?
560
00:29:39,044 --> 00:29:43,347
That guy just took
the last of
the piggyback potatoes!
561
00:29:43,349 --> 00:29:45,082
Shh.
562
00:29:45,183 --> 00:29:46,517
Shit.
563
00:29:46,519 --> 00:29:48,252
That's why I'm here.
564
00:29:48,254 --> 00:29:52,189
Oh, I am gonna
have an excellent
bowel movement tomorrow.
565
00:29:52,191 --> 00:29:53,524
Guaranteed.
566
00:29:53,526 --> 00:29:55,459
So, what are
your new aspirations
567
00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:59,396
now that
the antiquities industry
has shit-canned you?
568
00:29:59,398 --> 00:30:02,366
Okay, um...
569
00:30:02,368 --> 00:30:05,035
To own my own company
that makes me a lot of money.
570
00:30:05,037 --> 00:30:06,970
What that company does,
I'm not really sure yet.
571
00:30:06,972 --> 00:30:10,040
I'd like a vintage Cadillac
with original
leather interior.
572
00:30:10,042 --> 00:30:13,210
House on the water.
Winter home
in the Virgin Islands.
573
00:30:13,212 --> 00:30:16,046
I'd like a wife,
hot, preferably Asian...
574
00:30:16,048 --> 00:30:17,848
I'm gonna stop you there.
Yeah?
575
00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:20,851
I'm gonna recommend
that you adopt more
realistic ambitions
576
00:30:20,853 --> 00:30:25,455
because it sounds like
you're a bit
of an unrealistic dreamer.
577
00:30:25,457 --> 00:30:26,290
Guilty.
578
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:27,524
I'm pisces,
so I view the world
579
00:30:27,526 --> 00:30:29,259
through rose-tinted
spectacles.
580
00:30:29,261 --> 00:30:32,596
Oh, that stung
all the way
to my brain stem.
581
00:30:32,598 --> 00:30:33,964
You gotta be kidding me.
582
00:30:33,966 --> 00:30:35,299
If you want
to pick up a girl,
583
00:30:35,301 --> 00:30:37,835
you gotta infuse your vocab
with a little bit
more testosterone.
584
00:30:37,837 --> 00:30:41,171
Words like "tits"
and "big tits."
585
00:30:41,173 --> 00:30:43,941
Listen, Cadillacs
and beach houses,
586
00:30:43,943 --> 00:30:48,612
those are the dreams
of stupid, naive people.
587
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,014
That's not you, right?
588
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:54,451
Grady?
589
00:30:54,453 --> 00:30:55,619
Yeah.
590
00:30:55,621 --> 00:30:59,022
They put out
more piggyback potatoes.
591
00:30:59,024 --> 00:31:00,557
What?
592
00:31:00,559 --> 00:31:01,291
When?
593
00:31:01,293 --> 00:31:03,560
I find it
a little strange,
actually,
594
00:31:03,562 --> 00:31:06,496
that you blame
"extreme muff deficiency"
595
00:31:06,498 --> 00:31:07,998
as the root
of my problems,
596
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:12,569
when the last muff I was in
belonged to your wife.
597
00:31:13,071 --> 00:31:14,571
Thank you.
Thanks.
598
00:31:14,573 --> 00:31:16,139
Let me ask you a question.
599
00:31:16,141 --> 00:31:19,509
If a fat guy diets,
exercises,
600
00:31:19,511 --> 00:31:21,912
takes vitamins
two weeks out of the year,
601
00:31:21,914 --> 00:31:26,516
does that necessarily
make him
a healthy person?
602
00:31:26,518 --> 00:31:27,517
I get your point.
603
00:31:27,519 --> 00:31:29,586
So how come
you're not out there
closing some ass?
604
00:31:29,588 --> 00:31:34,324
How? Where?
I hate going out.
I hate going to bars.
605
00:31:34,326 --> 00:31:36,126
The music's always so loud.
606
00:31:36,128 --> 00:31:37,461
I can barely
hear myself speak,
607
00:31:37,463 --> 00:31:39,496
let alone the lady
I'm trying to connect with.
608
00:31:39,498 --> 00:31:41,198
So it becomes this
choreographed routine
609
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:45,335
of two people just leaning
into each other all night,
saying, "what?
610
00:31:45,337 --> 00:31:47,304
"What? What? What?"
611
00:31:47,306 --> 00:31:48,605
Well, that's your problem.
612
00:31:48,607 --> 00:31:50,574
Bars are not
made for talking.
613
00:31:50,576 --> 00:31:52,376
That's why
the music is so loud.
614
00:31:52,378 --> 00:31:54,611
You only need to be concerned
about two questions,
615
00:31:54,613 --> 00:31:59,049
"what are you drinking?"
And, "where are we humping?"
616
00:32:00,085 --> 00:32:02,486
Could you see
that on a t-shirt?
I just made that up.
617
00:32:02,488 --> 00:32:06,924
Unfortunately, yes,
i can see that
on a t-shirt.
618
00:32:07,593 --> 00:32:09,192
Are you okay to drive?
619
00:32:09,194 --> 00:32:11,395
No. Definitely not.
Get in.
620
00:32:12,264 --> 00:32:16,300
What if you woke up and you were 15 again?
621
00:32:16,302 --> 00:32:21,505
The funny thing is, I don't feel that way anymore.
622
00:32:21,507 --> 00:32:26,176
Oh... that was
a delightful bubble bath.
623
00:32:26,178 --> 00:32:27,311
Whose Mr. bubble is this?
624
00:32:27,313 --> 00:32:29,479
Who else lives here
apart from you?
625
00:32:29,481 --> 00:32:31,682
I thought it might've been
your old roommate's.
626
00:32:31,684 --> 00:32:35,085
No, when people move out,
they bring their Mr. bubble.
627
00:32:35,087 --> 00:32:36,353
That's how it works.
628
00:32:36,355 --> 00:32:39,156
Oh, well, you're out
of Mr. bubble.
629
00:32:39,158 --> 00:32:39,990
What?
630
00:32:39,992 --> 00:32:41,591
Jesus Christ,
that was a new bottle.
631
00:32:41,593 --> 00:32:44,594
You're only supposed
to use a capful. A capful!
632
00:32:44,596 --> 00:32:49,533
It really smelled good,
so I just kept pouring it in.
633
00:32:50,101 --> 00:32:51,735
What are you watching?
634
00:32:51,737 --> 00:32:55,005
Ah. It's Dawson's creek.
635
00:32:56,107 --> 00:32:57,174
Is this vhs?
636
00:32:57,176 --> 00:33:01,378
Yup. I have
every episode recorded
on their original air date.
637
00:33:01,380 --> 00:33:03,680
I got them on ebay
from this woman
in Delaware.
638
00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:09,052
She sent them
in this awesome casket
she made, too. Look.
639
00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:11,021
Seriously,
what is this show about?
640
00:33:11,023 --> 00:33:12,756
It's about
an ambitious young man
641
00:33:12,758 --> 00:33:14,224
named Dawson leery
and his friends
642
00:33:14,226 --> 00:33:18,161
as they learn all about
love and life in capeside,
Massachusetts.
643
00:33:18,163 --> 00:33:22,165
Romantic entanglements
and growing pains
are aplenty.
644
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:25,035
You are going to love it.
645
00:33:26,671 --> 00:33:31,208
That sounds like
the worst fucking
TV show I've ever heard of.
646
00:33:31,210 --> 00:33:32,309
No.
Yeah.
647
00:33:32,311 --> 00:33:33,343
We're not watching this.
648
00:33:33,345 --> 00:33:37,481
Come on, find a sporting event
or something with car crashes.
649
00:33:37,483 --> 00:33:39,182
Do you bite off
Morgan's head like this
650
00:33:39,184 --> 00:33:41,218
every time she wants to watch
her favorite programming?
651
00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:44,321
We don't watch
television together.
652
00:33:44,323 --> 00:33:46,590
Never?
No.
653
00:33:46,592 --> 00:33:48,592
I always thought
the best part of marriage
654
00:33:48,594 --> 00:33:50,160
would be settling in
every night
655
00:33:50,162 --> 00:33:52,062
to watch television
with your life partner.
656
00:33:52,064 --> 00:33:55,198
You know,
making fun of
the weatherman's hair,
657
00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:59,336
shouting out answers
during family feud.
658
00:33:59,470 --> 00:34:00,537
Not even top chef?
659
00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:04,741
No, not even top chef,
whatever the fuck that is.
660
00:34:04,743 --> 00:34:08,478
We have jobs,
and we work most nights.
661
00:34:08,746 --> 00:34:09,646
That's sad.
662
00:34:09,648 --> 00:34:12,215
What would you know
about it, stensland?
663
00:34:13,184 --> 00:34:16,653
Get me the doritos
and a tumbler of scotch.
664
00:34:16,655 --> 00:34:19,556
Come on, come on, come on.
665
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,291
We don't have tumblers.
666
00:34:21,293 --> 00:34:22,659
I'll put it in a jelly jar.
667
00:34:22,661 --> 00:34:24,227
You don't have
jelly jars either.
668
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:26,163
I threw them all out
this morning.
669
00:34:26,165 --> 00:34:28,465
God damn it.
670
00:34:29,368 --> 00:34:32,636
Hey, that's a muumuu knock.
You want me
to grab that, roomie?
671
00:34:32,638 --> 00:34:33,837
No, I'll get it.
672
00:34:33,839 --> 00:34:37,240
Sorry, we'll keep
the fucking noise...
673
00:34:37,242 --> 00:34:39,342
Good, you're alive.
674
00:34:39,344 --> 00:34:40,243
What are you...
675
00:34:40,245 --> 00:34:43,146
Grady said he was
coming over here
to kill you last night, so...
676
00:34:43,148 --> 00:34:44,281
You were worried
about me.
677
00:34:44,283 --> 00:34:48,385
No, I was worried
about instigating a murder.
678
00:34:48,387 --> 00:34:49,286
Good night.
679
00:34:49,288 --> 00:34:54,658
Hey, stens!
I'm very high,
and I cannot feel my feet.
680
00:34:57,728 --> 00:35:00,464
Grady!
Oh, shit!
681
00:35:00,565 --> 00:35:02,432
Whoa, what are you
doing here, man?
682
00:35:02,434 --> 00:35:06,636
Um, you said you were
going to come here
and kill him last night.
683
00:35:06,638 --> 00:35:08,171
She was worried about me.
684
00:35:08,173 --> 00:35:11,541
I was not worried
about you, okay?
685
00:35:11,642 --> 00:35:12,742
What are you doing here?
686
00:35:12,744 --> 00:35:15,145
I thought you checked into
the sorrento last night.
687
00:35:15,147 --> 00:35:19,149
Nope. Nope,
i live here now, woman.
688
00:35:19,217 --> 00:35:20,750
What?
689
00:35:21,619 --> 00:35:25,489
That's a joke, right?
690
00:35:25,491 --> 00:35:26,189
No.
691
00:35:26,191 --> 00:35:28,692
Stensland and i
have bonded over
the mutual hatred of you.
692
00:35:28,694 --> 00:35:30,594
Oh, well, "hatred"
is a strong word.
693
00:35:30,596 --> 00:35:32,629
See, unlike you
and your sisterhood
694
00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:34,197
of catty,
hair-pulling harpies,
695
00:35:34,199 --> 00:35:37,634
men can move
past their mistakes
and form a fellowship.
696
00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:40,137
A creed, if you will.
That's why we run the world.
697
00:35:40,139 --> 00:35:44,508
Oh, and what an honorable job
you frat dickheads
are doing, thank you.
698
00:35:44,510 --> 00:35:45,909
Morgan,
i don't hate you, per se.
699
00:35:45,911 --> 00:35:48,512
I'm just very upset...
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
700
00:35:48,514 --> 00:35:51,414
You said she lied to you
and broke your heart,
701
00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:52,716
and you're going
to stand over there
702
00:35:52,718 --> 00:35:54,518
and kiss her ass like
you owe her something.
703
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:57,387
Shut up.
Grow some balls,
stensland.
704
00:35:57,389 --> 00:35:58,355
Stop it, Grady!
705
00:35:58,357 --> 00:35:59,523
Fucking do it!
Fine!
706
00:35:59,525 --> 00:36:02,292
Morgan, I'm really
fucking pissed at you!
707
00:36:02,294 --> 00:36:05,395
You're very pretty,
but you're a liar!
708
00:36:05,397 --> 00:36:06,563
Get a load of this, sister.
709
00:36:06,565 --> 00:36:09,499
Me and this fella right here,
we're taking
a long Morgan vacation,
710
00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,501
and if you don't like that,
then you can just head out
711
00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:14,471
and find yourself
another boy toy!
712
00:36:14,473 --> 00:36:17,340
Yeah. High-five that shit.
713
00:36:17,575 --> 00:36:20,644
Oh, this is so twisted,
even for you.
714
00:36:20,646 --> 00:36:22,279
Is it?
Okay, you know what?
715
00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:24,681
Just so you know,
it's not lost on me
716
00:36:24,683 --> 00:36:27,184
how insulting
this must be for you
717
00:36:27,186 --> 00:36:29,853
that I cheated on you
with this child over here.
718
00:36:29,855 --> 00:36:31,955
Don't mind me, Morgan,
I'm just standing right here.
719
00:36:31,957 --> 00:36:33,623
Will you just shut up?
All right.
720
00:36:33,625 --> 00:36:35,525
Please? Just shut...
Sorry. Yeah.
721
00:36:35,527 --> 00:36:37,961
I'll stop talking
right now.
You talk too much.
722
00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,297
Okay.
Stop.
723
00:36:40,565 --> 00:36:43,567
What was my next move
supposed to be, Grady?
724
00:36:43,569 --> 00:36:44,901
I told you that
we were losing touch,
725
00:36:44,903 --> 00:36:47,737
that I needed more from you,
and you ignored me.
726
00:36:47,739 --> 00:36:50,907
You blew off therapy,
you drifted
further away from me.
727
00:36:50,909 --> 00:36:54,544
I mean, what is
someone supposed to do
when they're wandering around
728
00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:58,782
in the emotional equivalent
of the atacama desert, huh?
729
00:36:58,784 --> 00:37:04,588
Or starving for affection
like some
Brazilian street orphan?
730
00:37:07,525 --> 00:37:09,926
Is this BBC world news?
731
00:37:10,729 --> 00:37:13,830
Oh, Jesus, fuck you.
Just fuck you.
732
00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:16,633
This is our marriage, Grady.
733
00:37:16,635 --> 00:37:19,236
We need to sit down,
and we need to talk, okay?
734
00:37:19,238 --> 00:37:20,503
But I am not
doing it here.
735
00:37:20,505 --> 00:37:24,407
So please go get your stuff,
and let's go.
736
00:37:25,309 --> 00:37:26,743
No.
737
00:37:29,347 --> 00:37:29,946
Sorry.
738
00:37:29,948 --> 00:37:31,581
I'm going to stay here
with stensland
739
00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:33,650
and watch an episode
of Darren's stream.
740
00:37:33,652 --> 00:37:36,453
That'd be
Dawson's creek.
741
00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:43,493
You do that.
742
00:37:49,033 --> 00:37:52,736
Jesus. What's with
her cheap shots?
743
00:37:52,738 --> 00:37:53,670
Aw, forget it.
744
00:37:53,672 --> 00:37:56,673
You told her off like a man.
Didn't that feel good?
745
00:37:56,675 --> 00:37:58,341
No, it exhausted me.
746
00:37:58,343 --> 00:37:59,909
I'm going to go
to bed for a few days.
747
00:37:59,911 --> 00:38:01,845
What are you talking about?
It's not even 10:00.
748
00:38:01,847 --> 00:38:04,347
I mean, the pubs
are crawling
with young bug.
749
00:38:04,349 --> 00:38:06,416
We've got to get out there,
we've got to get some.
750
00:38:06,418 --> 00:38:09,653
I've got to cash in
a "bang some strange" card.
751
00:38:09,655 --> 00:38:10,687
No.
Yes.
752
00:38:10,689 --> 00:38:12,722
No.
Oh, yes. Come on.
753
00:38:12,724 --> 00:38:13,823
Stensland says no!
754
00:38:13,825 --> 00:38:15,825
Two double black labels
on the rocks, please.
755
00:38:15,827 --> 00:38:18,495
You got it.
Thank you.
756
00:38:18,497 --> 00:38:19,763
First prospect on the board.
757
00:38:19,765 --> 00:38:23,600
Bartenders flirt for tips,
they can't be prospects.
758
00:38:23,602 --> 00:38:24,501
Oh, come on.
759
00:38:24,503 --> 00:38:28,471
Dogs beg for milk-bones,
but they still
wanna hump your leg.
760
00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:30,373
Now then,
in scouting for a prospect,
761
00:38:30,375 --> 00:38:31,908
you've got to take in
the whole field.
762
00:38:31,910 --> 00:38:34,344
You know what
a baseball scout is, right?
763
00:38:34,346 --> 00:38:35,378
I'm Irish, not amish.
764
00:38:35,380 --> 00:38:38,682
Good. That's good.
I knew you'd be good at this.
765
00:38:38,684 --> 00:38:39,949
There you go, boys.
Thank you.
766
00:38:39,951 --> 00:38:43,687
Keep that tab
wide open.
Giddyup.
767
00:38:44,455 --> 00:38:46,323
See?
768
00:38:47,926 --> 00:38:49,326
Tonight we're muff scouts.
769
00:38:49,328 --> 00:38:51,394
I know, it lacks wit,
but it's real.
770
00:38:51,396 --> 00:38:54,464
So, when we're scouting quail,
what are we looking for?
771
00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:55,532
Body, face, what else?
772
00:38:55,534 --> 00:38:57,834
Intelligence,
sense of self, fashion.
773
00:38:57,836 --> 00:38:59,636
No! That's the pink
part of your brain
774
00:38:59,638 --> 00:39:01,705
that allows you
to enjoy Dawson's creek.
775
00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,773
The end game
is to get 'em nude,
776
00:39:03,775 --> 00:39:07,043
sans fashion,
so it's never a factor.
777
00:39:07,045 --> 00:39:10,347
But what is a factor
is personality.
778
00:39:10,349 --> 00:39:13,049
And it's as easy to spot
as a panty line.
779
00:39:13,051 --> 00:39:15,952
Are they laughing?
Are they smiling?
780
00:39:15,954 --> 00:39:17,721
Are they giving off
any indication
781
00:39:17,723 --> 00:39:19,089
that they're having
a good time,
782
00:39:19,091 --> 00:39:23,126
or that they're eager
to have a good time with you?
783
00:39:23,128 --> 00:39:26,996
Many of them are going
to be wearing this
precious little smile
784
00:39:26,998 --> 00:39:33,837
that says, "hey, please,
please come talk to me."
785
00:39:33,839 --> 00:39:36,539
I know that little smile.
786
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:39,476
Of course you do,
you fuckin' animal.
787
00:39:39,478 --> 00:39:41,444
That's why
they're drinking here
788
00:39:41,446 --> 00:39:46,149
and not at home alone
with their kitty cats.
789
00:39:46,151 --> 00:39:49,152
Now then, survey the showroom,
790
00:39:49,154 --> 00:39:54,391
pick out a model,
take her for a sex drive.
791
00:39:54,393 --> 00:39:56,126
And for the sake of Christ,
792
00:39:56,128 --> 00:39:59,396
keep drinking
the rocket sauce.
793
00:40:31,863 --> 00:40:33,997
Hey!
Hey.
794
00:40:33,999 --> 00:40:35,999
What kind of drink is that?
795
00:40:36,001 --> 00:40:38,601
It's a Harlem mugger.
796
00:40:39,069 --> 00:40:40,003
What?
797
00:40:40,005 --> 00:40:41,571
A Harlem mugger!
798
00:40:41,573 --> 00:40:44,207
Oh! What's in it?
Racism?
799
00:40:44,209 --> 00:40:49,746
No,
no, it's got vodka, gin,
white rum, Tequila, champagne,
800
00:40:49,748 --> 00:40:51,648
and a little
cranberry juice.
801
00:40:51,650 --> 00:40:52,816
Always gets me shitfaced.
802
00:40:52,818 --> 00:40:54,784
Oh, my god.
803
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:56,753
What's a lovely girl
like you doing
804
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:58,721
with a horrible
drink like that?
805
00:40:58,723 --> 00:41:00,657
Are you a bootlegger?
806
00:41:00,659 --> 00:41:01,491
No, no.
807
00:41:01,493 --> 00:41:04,761
I ordered it because
it smells just like
this anti-fungal shampoo
808
00:41:04,763 --> 00:41:07,030
I used to wash
my pony with.
809
00:41:07,032 --> 00:41:08,231
Oh, is that right?
810
00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,232
Yeah, gingerbelle.
811
00:41:09,234 --> 00:41:12,802
I couldn't decide
between the names
gingerbread and clarabelle,
812
00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:14,170
so I combined them.
Gingerbelle!
813
00:41:14,172 --> 00:41:16,539
That's interesting.
I loved her
so much.
814
00:41:16,541 --> 00:41:20,543
Aw, gingerbelle had this
fungal skin infection
called "rain rot"
815
00:41:20,545 --> 00:41:23,880
and on warm nights,
i used to snuggle up
with her in the barn,
816
00:41:23,882 --> 00:41:27,984
and then the bacteria
from her infection
spread onto me.
817
00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,018
I still can't grow hair
818
00:41:29,020 --> 00:41:31,054
in my left armpit
or half my pubic
region, but...
819
00:41:31,056 --> 00:41:33,022
Bye.
820
00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:35,058
Bye!
821
00:41:35,060 --> 00:41:39,062
So the guy goes,
"hey, who put
the baby in the dryer?"
822
00:41:39,064 --> 00:41:40,163
Excuse me, miss?
823
00:41:40,165 --> 00:41:42,632
Oh, man.
Be right back.
824
00:41:42,634 --> 00:41:44,033
What are you
doing here?
825
00:41:44,035 --> 00:41:45,535
Ugh, it's not
gonna happen.
826
00:41:45,537 --> 00:41:49,105
I got talking to a girl,
but she was into animals.
827
00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:50,507
Really?
828
00:41:50,509 --> 00:41:51,241
Not like that.
829
00:41:51,243 --> 00:41:52,609
Before I even got her name,
830
00:41:52,611 --> 00:41:55,812
she tells me about
this pony she caught
a bacterial infection from.
831
00:41:55,814 --> 00:41:58,081
Yeah, that's rain rot.
832
00:41:58,083 --> 00:41:59,148
How do you know that?
833
00:41:59,150 --> 00:42:00,683
I was in 4-h
when I was a kid.
834
00:42:00,685 --> 00:42:03,219
Look, it's nothing.
It just makes you shed.
835
00:42:03,221 --> 00:42:04,220
It's no big deal.
836
00:42:04,222 --> 00:42:07,690
Go back out there
and just casually
bring up your penis.
837
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:09,125
This is pathetic.
838
00:42:09,127 --> 00:42:10,960
You do realize
there's not a lady here
839
00:42:10,962 --> 00:42:12,896
who can hold a candle
to your wife, right?
840
00:42:12,898 --> 00:42:17,834
Stensland!
Don't bring her up again.
841
00:42:18,602 --> 00:42:20,837
Get away from me.
842
00:42:26,277 --> 00:42:28,011
Everything okay here?
Yeah.
843
00:42:28,013 --> 00:42:30,613
Can I get
another double, please?
844
00:42:30,615 --> 00:42:34,183
Oh. And a shot of Tequila.
845
00:42:34,185 --> 00:42:38,621
The shittiest, cheapest
Tequila that you have.
846
00:42:55,873 --> 00:42:57,707
Hi.
847
00:42:59,610 --> 00:43:01,578
Hi.
848
00:43:01,779 --> 00:43:06,182
Can you get the fuck up
and off my $700 jacket?
849
00:43:06,184 --> 00:43:07,884
Oh.
850
00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:10,119
I'm sorry.
851
00:43:10,754 --> 00:43:11,921
Just give it!
Sorry.
852
00:43:11,923 --> 00:43:14,857
Just watch where
the fuck you sit
next time, dick face.
853
00:43:14,859 --> 00:43:16,125
"Dick face"?
Jesus Christ.
854
00:43:16,127 --> 00:43:21,364
Why don't you tell
your whore to watch
where she drops her shit?
855
00:43:23,101 --> 00:43:23,800
Oh.
856
00:43:23,802 --> 00:43:26,069
No, I didn't say that,
he said that.
857
00:43:26,071 --> 00:43:27,303
No. No, I didn't.
What?
858
00:43:27,305 --> 00:43:30,273
Listen, drink this,
'cause you're gonna
need it in about five minutes.
859
00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,241
Who'd you call a whore,
motherfucker?
860
00:43:32,243 --> 00:43:34,644
I believe
he's referring to her,
861
00:43:34,646 --> 00:43:37,213
and, uh, he also
bet me a fish taco
862
00:43:37,215 --> 00:43:38,748
that he'd have
her blowing him
863
00:43:38,750 --> 00:43:41,384
in the men's
room by last call.
What the fuck are you doing?
864
00:43:41,386 --> 00:43:42,719
That is confidence.
865
00:43:42,721 --> 00:43:45,321
Oh, fuck! Okay.
Outside, right now.
866
00:43:45,323 --> 00:43:46,923
Bitch.
"Bitch"?
867
00:43:46,925 --> 00:43:49,325
Bitch.
"Bitch"? Jesus.
868
00:43:49,327 --> 00:43:50,760
Don't ever bring up
a man's wife
869
00:43:50,762 --> 00:43:52,996
when you're
on bush patrol
with him, okay?
870
00:43:52,998 --> 00:43:54,697
You couldn't deal
with a pony snuggler,
871
00:43:54,699 --> 00:43:56,132
and you dragged me
down with you,
872
00:43:56,134 --> 00:43:57,266
and that has consequences.
873
00:43:57,268 --> 00:44:00,136
Consequences
that apparently mean
my death, asshole!
874
00:44:00,138 --> 00:44:02,939
Thanks a bunch!
You're welcome.
875
00:44:02,941 --> 00:44:04,007
God damn it!
876
00:44:04,009 --> 00:44:05,074
Let's do this, pussy!
877
00:44:05,076 --> 00:44:07,310
I can't believe you did this.
He's gonna put me
in the hospital.
878
00:44:07,312 --> 00:44:08,878
You know what,
you pissed me off,
879
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:10,880
but now I feel
a little shitty about it
880
00:44:10,882 --> 00:44:12,348
because that
fucking guy's huge.
881
00:44:12,350 --> 00:44:13,282
He's a giant.
882
00:44:13,284 --> 00:44:16,085
Do you know what?
Aside from all that,
you need this, stensland.
883
00:44:16,087 --> 00:44:17,353
Oh, I need this?
Yes.
884
00:44:17,355 --> 00:44:18,821
Violence is good
for a guy.
885
00:44:18,823 --> 00:44:22,358
It'll cure you of the desire
to watch Dawson's creek
every day. Right?
886
00:44:23,294 --> 00:44:24,961
Hey, it's an award-winner!
Best drama,
887
00:44:24,963 --> 00:44:27,230
teen choice awards!
Twice!
888
00:44:27,232 --> 00:44:28,197
Use that anger.
889
00:44:28,199 --> 00:44:30,266
You've been bullied
your whole life, stensland.
890
00:44:30,268 --> 00:44:31,334
Do something about it.
891
00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:34,270
Put every prick's face
that you ever dealt with
on that prick's face.
892
00:44:34,272 --> 00:44:37,173
You just shut up
and leave me alone.
Good.
893
00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:39,208
Let do this, punk!
894
00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:40,943
Fuck!
Nice shot.
895
00:44:40,945 --> 00:44:43,946
All right. Proceed.
896
00:44:44,148 --> 00:44:46,416
This will all end
very soon.
897
00:44:46,418 --> 00:44:47,784
Come on, stens.
898
00:44:47,786 --> 00:44:50,687
Hey, freshman dork.
Look at those bitch hips!
899
00:44:50,689 --> 00:44:52,955
Make good handles
for your boyfriend, huh?
900
00:44:52,957 --> 00:44:54,157
Oh!
901
00:44:54,159 --> 00:44:55,725
Keep 'em up.
Get 'em up.
902
00:44:55,727 --> 00:44:58,227
You either get giddy
about the antique furniture,
903
00:44:58,229 --> 00:45:00,463
or get giddy in
the unemployment line.
904
00:45:00,465 --> 00:45:03,433
Come on, stensy.
905
00:45:03,435 --> 00:45:06,202
You're a child, stensland.
906
00:45:06,204 --> 00:45:07,070
A mistake.
907
00:45:07,072 --> 00:45:09,939
I could never
be your girlfriend.
908
00:45:18,782 --> 00:45:21,384
Keep fighting!
I did it!
909
00:45:24,321 --> 00:45:26,756
Stensy?
910
00:45:28,492 --> 00:45:30,893
Stensland!
911
00:45:32,763 --> 00:45:34,430
Mmm...
912
00:45:34,865 --> 00:45:37,133
Hello, Dolly.
913
00:45:37,201 --> 00:45:39,802
Why do I have
wilford brimley's mustache?
914
00:45:39,804 --> 00:45:41,938
Stensland, you punched me
in the face.
915
00:45:41,940 --> 00:45:45,942
You felt that? I thought
it was only pretend.
916
00:45:51,281 --> 00:45:52,081
Whoa.
917
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,417
What's your assistant doing
in the Swiss alps?
918
00:45:54,419 --> 00:45:56,185
Care for a schmoke,
stensland?
919
00:45:56,187 --> 00:45:59,889
Man, she's wearing
the shit out of those hosen.
920
00:45:59,891 --> 00:46:02,058
Come, stensland.
Ja, is good.
921
00:46:02,060 --> 00:46:04,794
Schmoke-ity,
schmoke-ity, schmoke-ity.
922
00:46:04,796 --> 00:46:07,530
Hmm.
Ja, is good.
923
00:46:11,803 --> 00:46:14,470
I wanted a schmoke.
924
00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:37,360
Grady, you piece of shit.
925
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:42,398
And for some reason,
she had two goats.
926
00:46:44,234 --> 00:46:46,068
You're drooling jam.
927
00:46:46,070 --> 00:46:49,872
Okay. Okay.
928
00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:52,241
So, we lived together
for three years,
929
00:46:52,243 --> 00:46:55,278
and by far
the most scandalous thing
i ever saw you do was
930
00:46:55,280 --> 00:46:57,547
roll the dice on some
expired pudding cups
931
00:46:57,549 --> 00:46:59,315
you found
in the back
of the fridge.
932
00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:01,484
A gamble I lost,
if you remember.
I do.
933
00:47:01,486 --> 00:47:04,153
Yet, in the 48 hours
since I moved out,
934
00:47:04,155 --> 00:47:05,888
you blackmailed
your mistress,
935
00:47:05,890 --> 00:47:07,290
you had a gun
stuck in your face,
936
00:47:07,292 --> 00:47:09,091
you let your mistress's
husband move in,
937
00:47:09,093 --> 00:47:12,962
and you fist-fought a man
twice your size in an alley?
938
00:47:12,964 --> 00:47:13,529
Yes.
939
00:47:13,531 --> 00:47:16,566
Why didn't you unleash
any of this radness
when I was there?
940
00:47:16,568 --> 00:47:18,501
None of this
is radness, Lyle.
941
00:47:18,503 --> 00:47:20,069
I need this guy
out of my place.
942
00:47:20,071 --> 00:47:22,305
No, it's all radness, man.
Adventure is erupting
all around you.
943
00:47:22,307 --> 00:47:26,242
And I'm hating it.
No. No, you don't
realize you're loving it.
944
00:47:26,244 --> 00:47:27,910
Soldiers go to war,
and they hate it,
945
00:47:27,912 --> 00:47:29,979
yet it's all they talk about
when they get back.
946
00:47:29,981 --> 00:47:31,547
I'm a prematurely
old man who wants
947
00:47:31,549 --> 00:47:33,616
nothing more than
a comfortable place to sit
948
00:47:33,618 --> 00:47:36,352
and a diet root beer
to enjoy the silence with.
949
00:47:36,354 --> 00:47:37,486
I can't deal
with all this.
950
00:47:37,488 --> 00:47:41,190
You remember final destination
and its subsequent sequels?
951
00:47:41,192 --> 00:47:42,358
The teenagers
cheated death,
952
00:47:42,360 --> 00:47:44,527
and then death came
after them to finish the job?
953
00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:45,595
Great movie.
Yeah.
954
00:47:45,597 --> 00:47:47,330
I think you cheated youth
in your 20s
955
00:47:47,332 --> 00:47:52,068
by denying yourself sex,
and reckless behavior,
and fun in general.
956
00:47:52,070 --> 00:47:53,569
Now fun's come back
to claim your soul,
957
00:47:53,571 --> 00:47:57,406
and it's come
in the form of
a middle-aged pervert.
958
00:47:57,408 --> 00:47:58,474
What if I outwit fun?
959
00:47:58,476 --> 00:48:02,478
Perform the old switcheroo
to defend my geriatric
way of life.
960
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:04,080
No, no, you can't
outwit fun, man.
961
00:48:04,082 --> 00:48:07,450
Especially when you're broke,
and fun's paying the rent.
962
00:48:09,953 --> 00:48:12,488
Thank you.
You're welcome.
963
00:48:14,491 --> 00:48:16,325
Shit!
964
00:48:20,998 --> 00:48:22,431
Hannah!
965
00:48:22,599 --> 00:48:25,134
What are you doing down there?
Did you find a penny?
966
00:48:25,136 --> 00:48:28,437
No. I'm hiding
from an annoying asshole.
967
00:48:28,439 --> 00:48:29,305
Oh.
968
00:48:29,307 --> 00:48:32,108
Listen, I just
want to apologize
for the other day.
969
00:48:32,110 --> 00:48:34,076
I had my panties
in a pretty tight bunch.
970
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:38,514
I brought another apology
in the form of a warm scone.
971
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:39,348
A scone?
972
00:48:39,350 --> 00:48:41,651
Yeah, it's from
the German term
"schonbrot."
973
00:48:41,653 --> 00:48:43,152
Speaking of
the old country,
974
00:48:43,154 --> 00:48:45,054
do you happen
to have any
germanic breeding
975
00:48:45,056 --> 00:48:48,257
or own a pair
of exotic lederhosen,
by chance?
976
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,325
Nice eye shadow.
977
00:48:49,327 --> 00:48:50,693
Oh, yeah,
this is just a shiner
978
00:48:50,695 --> 00:48:53,496
from a drunken
Duke-out I had last night.
979
00:48:53,498 --> 00:48:54,630
You did?
Yeah.
980
00:48:54,632 --> 00:48:58,000
Wow. You know,
that's really sexy.
981
00:48:58,002 --> 00:48:58,634
Really?
982
00:48:58,636 --> 00:49:01,037
It's the weirdest thing.
I'm seeing you
in this whole new light.
983
00:49:01,039 --> 00:49:04,640
Well, you should see
the other guy. He's fine.
984
00:49:04,642 --> 00:49:06,509
I kind of want you.
985
00:49:06,511 --> 00:49:09,045
Really?
No. Go away.
986
00:49:09,047 --> 00:49:10,012
Oh.
987
00:49:10,014 --> 00:49:11,480
Listen...
988
00:49:11,482 --> 00:49:13,582
I'm coming up
to see Morgan.
989
00:49:13,584 --> 00:49:15,117
Can't you just
leave her alone?
990
00:49:15,119 --> 00:49:17,987
She had me out drinking
until 2:00 in
the morning last night,
991
00:49:17,989 --> 00:49:20,122
ranting and raving
over the sick mind game
992
00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,457
that you and Grady
are playing.
993
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:25,461
You two jackoffs
are fucking up my shit now.
994
00:49:25,529 --> 00:49:27,463
Have you tried
smoking pot
to cool down?
995
00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,499
It helps me unwind
when I'm stressed out,
like you are now.
996
00:49:30,501 --> 00:49:34,971
Plus, it really increases
my orgasm
when I masturbate.
997
00:49:34,973 --> 00:49:37,640
Oh.
Oh, my god.
998
00:49:37,642 --> 00:49:38,541
You remind me...
999
00:49:38,543 --> 00:49:40,009
Of a girlish
tilda swinton?
1000
00:49:40,011 --> 00:49:41,243
I get that
all the time.
1001
00:49:41,245 --> 00:49:43,646
No, of a rash I picked up
in south America.
1002
00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:45,181
Headache, nausea,
made my skin crawl.
1003
00:49:45,183 --> 00:49:49,385
Sounds like the symptoms
of lovesickness.
Maybe I'm growing on you.
1004
00:49:50,221 --> 00:49:52,555
You couldn't grow on me
with all the seeds
and soil in the world.
1005
00:49:52,557 --> 00:49:54,490
Eh. Could you
tell Morgan I'm here?
1006
00:49:54,492 --> 00:49:55,458
She's in a meeting.
1007
00:49:55,460 --> 00:49:59,428
Please. We need
to talk about Grady.
1008
00:49:59,696 --> 00:50:04,166
Thanks for staying late, guys.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
1009
00:50:05,736 --> 00:50:06,469
Hello.
1010
00:50:06,471 --> 00:50:09,739
Ooh.
Caramel macchiato.
Excellent choice.
1011
00:50:09,741 --> 00:50:11,207
Do you want me in
on this?
1012
00:50:11,209 --> 00:50:13,509
Actually, yes.
I do want the restraint
of a witness present.
1013
00:50:13,511 --> 00:50:16,112
Hmm, I'd prefer
a private sitdown,
1014
00:50:16,114 --> 00:50:19,248
so if you don't mind,
Hannah.
1015
00:50:21,718 --> 00:50:23,219
Is he really
living with you?
1016
00:50:23,221 --> 00:50:26,322
Yes, he even went
grocery shopping.
1017
00:50:27,191 --> 00:50:28,324
He's fucking unbelievable.
1018
00:50:28,326 --> 00:50:30,559
You want to know
what else he's doing?
No. What?
1019
00:50:30,561 --> 00:50:34,163
Hitting on strange girls,
trying to have sex with them.
1020
00:50:34,165 --> 00:50:35,331
Gross, charmless creatures,
1021
00:50:35,333 --> 00:50:38,768
not even in your
evolutionary strain,
let alone your league.
1022
00:50:38,770 --> 00:50:40,736
No, he isn't.
Yes, he is!
1023
00:50:40,738 --> 00:50:41,637
Okay, relax.
1024
00:50:41,639 --> 00:50:43,506
We went out last night
"muff scouting."
1025
00:50:43,508 --> 00:50:46,375
His despicable words,
not mine.
Okay, enough.
1026
00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:49,078
Do you really want
to stay with this man?
1027
00:50:49,080 --> 00:50:50,446
A man who'd use
your infidelity
1028
00:50:50,448 --> 00:50:52,248
as nothing more than a...
Okay, will you stop?
1029
00:50:52,250 --> 00:50:54,083
..."wham, bam, ram another
ma'am for free" card?
1030
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:55,551
Okay, yeah, enough.
Out. Out, go.
1031
00:50:55,553 --> 00:50:57,420
Step inside
my new kind of love!
1032
00:50:57,422 --> 00:51:00,089
Go! Go home
to your boyfriend.
1033
00:51:00,091 --> 00:51:02,091
You need weed very badly.
1034
00:51:02,093 --> 00:51:03,559
Auf wiedersehen, loser!
1035
00:51:03,561 --> 00:51:06,295
German? I knew it.
1036
00:51:07,765 --> 00:51:09,799
Where are you going?
I'm going to see Grady.
1037
00:51:09,801 --> 00:51:12,835
I mean, I screwed this up,
but it's his fault, too.
1038
00:51:12,837 --> 00:51:13,769
No, Morgan...
1039
00:51:13,771 --> 00:51:15,271
He can't act
like this, okay?
1040
00:51:15,273 --> 00:51:16,705
He should be
fighting for me, for us.
1041
00:51:16,707 --> 00:51:18,607
You would just be
wasting your breath.
1042
00:51:18,609 --> 00:51:20,776
He is a brain-damaged ape.
They all are.
1043
00:51:20,778 --> 00:51:24,847
As soon as they get
a head full of steam,
they're impossible to control.
1044
00:51:24,849 --> 00:51:26,649
So, just let him beat
his chest, wag his dick,
1045
00:51:26,651 --> 00:51:31,220
whatever else
he needs to do to start
thinking clearly again.
1046
00:51:31,222 --> 00:51:34,757
He will come
crawling back, I promise.
1047
00:51:34,759 --> 00:51:38,194
Now, come on.
Worry about you.
1048
00:51:38,196 --> 00:51:40,529
Worry about this pitch.
1049
00:51:41,833 --> 00:51:46,202
I don't pay you
enough, do I?
No, you don't.
1050
00:51:46,204 --> 00:51:48,537
Let's remember that.
1051
00:52:00,317 --> 00:52:03,786
There he is.
You ready for round
two there, slugger?
1052
00:52:03,788 --> 00:52:06,155
It's ladies' night
at a whiskey bar downtown.
1053
00:52:06,157 --> 00:52:09,258
No, no. My head
is still throbbing
from last night.
1054
00:52:09,260 --> 00:52:13,496
That's evidence
of an excellent
two-fisted outing. Congrats.
1055
00:52:13,498 --> 00:52:15,231
No, I was hoping
we could stay in,
1056
00:52:15,233 --> 00:52:18,701
you know, put some ice cubes
in the bong shaft
for a nice cool smoke,
1057
00:52:18,703 --> 00:52:22,805
order some thai,
maybe hit up some
easy listening on pandora.
1058
00:52:22,807 --> 00:52:24,373
Come on, buddy,
that sounds like
1059
00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:25,774
a fuckin' baby shower
in Portland.
1060
00:52:25,776 --> 00:52:27,276
We're not gonna
get laid like that.
1061
00:52:27,278 --> 00:52:29,478
Let's get a little
pre-party buzz going
before the uber arrives.
1062
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:31,747
Listen,
i know you're on vacation
and everything,
1063
00:52:31,749 --> 00:52:33,482
but just because I agreed
to room with you
1064
00:52:33,484 --> 00:52:37,319
doesn't mean
that I also agreed
to a nightly rat pack tribute.
1065
00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:39,188
I'm staying in tonight.
1066
00:52:39,190 --> 00:52:40,589
You're gonna do
what I say,
1067
00:52:40,591 --> 00:52:42,525
and that is that
we're going out.
1068
00:52:42,527 --> 00:52:44,160
You're not
the boss of me.
1069
00:52:44,162 --> 00:52:46,362
"Stopbullying.Gov."
Visit it.
1070
00:52:46,364 --> 00:52:47,763
You know what
I've got in here?
1071
00:52:47,765 --> 00:52:49,565
The private number
of every police chief
1072
00:52:49,567 --> 00:52:51,433
and circuit judge
in the county.
1073
00:52:51,435 --> 00:52:52,301
Big whoop.
1074
00:52:52,303 --> 00:52:53,669
How do you think
those people would feel
1075
00:52:53,671 --> 00:52:58,507
about your attempt
to blackmail my wife
for $15,000?
1076
00:52:58,708 --> 00:53:00,609
Yeah, that's not
good for you.
1077
00:53:00,611 --> 00:53:02,611
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna get dressed.
1078
00:53:02,613 --> 00:53:07,716
No hoodies, no sneakers,
no disturbingly
tight shorts.
1079
00:53:07,718 --> 00:53:11,720
I want my wingman
to look like a real man.
1080
00:53:16,359 --> 00:53:21,864
So I make the mistake
of dressing as sexy gumby
1081
00:53:21,866 --> 00:53:25,401
to my Halloween office party,
1082
00:53:25,403 --> 00:53:26,669
and I'm hiding in this room
1083
00:53:26,671 --> 00:53:33,776
because my drunk, douchey boss
is always wanting
to fuck me and stuff.
1084
00:53:33,778 --> 00:53:37,713
So Grady finds me all upset
in the xerox room,
1085
00:53:37,715 --> 00:53:41,584
and he just gives me
this pep talk, you know?
1086
00:53:41,586 --> 00:53:46,522
Like, about quitting my job,
and about opening my own firm,
1087
00:53:46,524 --> 00:53:50,993
and just fucking getting
life by the balls, you know?
1088
00:53:50,995 --> 00:53:56,865
So, five minutes later,
my fucker boss gooses my ass,
1089
00:53:56,867 --> 00:53:59,568
so I pick up
this bowl of hummus,
1090
00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:03,606
and I just smash it
over the fucker's head.
Seriously.
1091
00:54:03,608 --> 00:54:06,342
Grady was so great
at the police station.
1092
00:54:06,344 --> 00:54:10,312
I mean, he stood
by my side, he got me off,
1093
00:54:10,314 --> 00:54:14,750
and then, you know,
he got me off.
1094
00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:19,722
And, you know,
we've just been
together ever since.
1095
00:54:20,390 --> 00:54:24,426
He asked if you wanted
chicken on your nachos.
1096
00:54:27,964 --> 00:54:30,566
That's not what I heard.
1097
00:54:30,834 --> 00:54:35,404
Oh, Jesus, what is this?
It smells like a dead body.
1098
00:54:35,406 --> 00:54:36,639
Maccoinnich.
What?
1099
00:54:36,641 --> 00:54:39,808
Quadruple-distilled.
Drink it.
1100
00:54:42,879 --> 00:54:45,047
Oh, my god,
it's burning me.
1101
00:54:45,049 --> 00:54:46,749
It's burning everything.
1102
00:54:46,751 --> 00:54:47,650
92% alcohol.
1103
00:54:47,652 --> 00:54:51,754
It's what Scottish priests
would drink whenever
they were constipated.
1104
00:54:51,756 --> 00:54:52,955
Here, do another.
1105
00:54:52,957 --> 00:54:54,490
I don't really want
to do another one.
1106
00:54:54,492 --> 00:54:56,759
The second one is better.
Is it?
1107
00:54:56,761 --> 00:54:58,594
Do it.
1108
00:54:59,796 --> 00:55:01,730
That actually
makes me...
1109
00:55:01,732 --> 00:55:02,965
Oh, my god,
it's worse.
1110
00:55:02,967 --> 00:55:07,503
Yeah. It's killing
all the tumors
in your throat right now.
1111
00:55:10,407 --> 00:55:11,807
You all right?
Yeah.
1112
00:55:11,809 --> 00:55:14,376
Come on. Drink another.
1113
00:55:14,378 --> 00:55:15,644
I mean, we're...
1114
00:55:15,646 --> 00:55:17,980
Down the haggis hole.
1115
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:23,018
Yeah!
1116
00:55:31,795 --> 00:55:34,630
Hey. You wanna talk?
1117
00:55:39,669 --> 00:55:41,704
Who brought a cat?
1118
00:55:46,509 --> 00:55:47,943
How long was I out?
1119
00:55:47,945 --> 00:55:49,778
About an hour.
1120
00:55:49,780 --> 00:55:51,380
Is it midnight yet?
1121
00:55:51,382 --> 00:55:52,781
No, it's 9:30.
1122
00:55:52,783 --> 00:55:54,983
Come on, keep drinking.
1123
00:56:03,561 --> 00:56:05,527
I believe it was Hemingway
who once wrote,
1124
00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,629
"no man is truly
a man till he vomits
1125
00:56:07,631 --> 00:56:10,966
"behind big Jim's
pancake house."
1126
00:56:19,476 --> 00:56:21,043
Let's go, grandpa,
fuck or fight?
1127
00:56:21,045 --> 00:56:22,711
Those are
hurtful words, Jerry.
1128
00:56:22,713 --> 00:56:26,749
You know, I bluffed
the da when I had
your charges dropped,
1129
00:56:26,816 --> 00:56:29,084
but I'm not bluffing today.
1130
00:56:29,086 --> 00:56:31,019
Look at that.
1131
00:56:31,021 --> 00:56:32,554
Hey, wait a second.
1132
00:56:32,556 --> 00:56:35,691
Where the fuck
is everybody?
1133
00:56:38,428 --> 00:56:39,828
Stensland.
1134
00:56:39,830 --> 00:56:42,097
She's left him.
1135
00:57:02,919 --> 00:57:04,853
Grady, let me in!
1136
00:57:15,098 --> 00:57:15,898
Grady!
1137
00:57:15,900 --> 00:57:19,735
Let me in!
Grady, please let me in!
1138
00:57:20,003 --> 00:57:22,971
I have had more alcohol
than oxygen for a week.
1139
00:57:22,973 --> 00:57:28,477
I can't wait
to get home and slip
into my Jimmy-jammies.
1140
00:57:28,479 --> 00:57:32,648
Cabbie, campus and 27th.
Step on it.
1141
00:57:32,650 --> 00:57:35,851
What campus? Campus?
1142
00:57:36,853 --> 00:57:40,556
Stensland!
Stensland! Stensland!
1143
00:57:40,558 --> 00:57:44,693
Stensland!
Stensland! Stensland!
1144
00:57:51,234 --> 00:57:52,034
Stop it!
1145
00:57:52,036 --> 00:57:55,604
I said, shut up,
god damn it!
1146
00:57:57,508 --> 00:57:59,975
What's wrong
with you people?
1147
00:57:59,977 --> 00:58:04,146
Has the collegiate experience
become so dull in this country
1148
00:58:04,148 --> 00:58:06,682
that causing irreversible
harm to your bodies
1149
00:58:06,684 --> 00:58:12,254
with this binge drinking
is the only way
to have a hoot?
1150
00:58:13,791 --> 00:58:16,158
This isn't fun!
1151
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,193
This is sadomasochism!
1152
00:58:18,195 --> 00:58:22,564
Have you never heard
of board games?
1153
00:58:22,566 --> 00:58:25,834
Scattergories
is a laugh riot!
1154
00:58:25,836 --> 00:58:29,505
Whatever happened
to spin the bottle
1155
00:58:29,507 --> 00:58:33,141
and kiss-chasing
on the green?
1156
00:58:33,910 --> 00:58:36,678
You're all alcoholics.
1157
00:58:36,680 --> 00:58:40,082
You need to attend meetings!
1158
00:58:40,084 --> 00:58:44,920
Well, screw it,
I'm making a stand!
1159
00:58:44,922 --> 00:58:50,792
Let's put an end
to these black sabbaths
and brain damage!
1160
00:58:50,794 --> 00:58:51,760
Join me and say,
1161
00:58:51,762 --> 00:58:58,267
"we don't have
to be party animals
to be cool!"
1162
00:59:06,743 --> 00:59:10,178
Let's make him drink
from the hobo's boot!
1163
00:59:10,180 --> 00:59:11,747
Yeah!
1164
00:59:11,749 --> 00:59:15,651
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1165
00:59:15,653 --> 00:59:18,820
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1166
00:59:18,822 --> 00:59:21,189
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1167
00:59:21,191 --> 00:59:22,024
Hobo's boot!
1168
00:59:22,026 --> 00:59:27,696
Hobo's boot!
Hobo's boot! Hobo's boot!
1169
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:30,999
How did that
boot taste, buddy?
1170
00:59:31,001 --> 00:59:33,035
Like homelessness
in my mouth.
1171
00:59:33,037 --> 00:59:34,603
Why did you make them
refill it?
1172
00:59:34,605 --> 00:59:37,806
We didn't have
enough camera coverage
for the YouTube video.
1173
00:59:37,808 --> 00:59:39,975
Hey, it was the hit
of the party.
You're gonna be a legend.
1174
00:59:39,977 --> 00:59:44,279
Please tell me
you found your
"bang strange" lady tonight.
1175
00:59:44,281 --> 00:59:45,314
I didn't, I didn't,
1176
00:59:45,316 --> 00:59:47,950
but bacardi's is
hosting a pool party
tomorrow night.
1177
00:59:47,952 --> 00:59:50,852
There'll be fur-burgers
grilling all night long.
1178
00:59:50,854 --> 00:59:52,120
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow night.
1179
00:59:52,122 --> 00:59:54,022
I don't...
Come on. Come on,
watch your head.
1180
00:59:54,024 --> 00:59:57,826
Watch your head,
watch your head,
watch your head.
1181
01:00:12,208 --> 01:00:16,111
You know what?
We're going to take
a quick detour.
1182
01:00:16,113 --> 01:00:16,912
Uh...
1183
01:00:16,914 --> 01:00:21,683
When you hit this stop sign,
let's go to the right.
1184
01:00:41,171 --> 01:00:43,672
My tummy hurts.
1185
01:00:45,109 --> 01:00:47,876
Uh, we'd better get going.
1186
01:01:11,167 --> 01:01:13,802
Oh, god!
1187
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:21,076
Uh, we need
to turn around.
1188
01:01:21,078 --> 01:01:23,145
He fell out.
1189
01:01:30,053 --> 01:01:32,721
Where did I come from?
1190
01:01:37,293 --> 01:01:39,194
Thank you.
1191
01:01:52,308 --> 01:01:54,009
Stensland?
1192
01:01:55,178 --> 01:01:55,977
Oh...
1193
01:01:55,979 --> 01:01:59,181
Please don't be mean to me
right now. I'm hanging on
by a thread.
1194
01:01:59,183 --> 01:02:01,883
What the hell
are you doing here?
1195
01:02:01,885 --> 01:02:03,752
I'm hiding from Grady.
1196
01:02:03,754 --> 01:02:05,754
At soft solutions?
1197
01:02:05,756 --> 01:02:07,289
Yeah.
It's my favorite place.
1198
01:02:07,291 --> 01:02:11,727
It's clean, comfortable,
the staff are warm-hearted.
1199
01:02:11,994 --> 01:02:12,828
Stensy!
1200
01:02:12,830 --> 01:02:16,865
Hey, Brandon,
looking svelte, hombre.
1201
01:02:16,999 --> 01:02:19,301
They're so nice
to me here.
1202
01:02:19,303 --> 01:02:20,802
Oh, god, you're weird.
1203
01:02:20,804 --> 01:02:22,938
Okay, well,
I'll leave you to it.
1204
01:02:22,940 --> 01:02:24,339
No, no, no,
please don't go.
1205
01:02:24,341 --> 01:02:27,209
Come on. We need to talk.
Let's square our beef.
1206
01:02:27,211 --> 01:02:31,513
Come and check out
the "casual refinement"
living room set, huh?
1207
01:02:31,515 --> 01:02:34,182
Seriously?
Yeah.
1208
01:02:39,255 --> 01:02:40,922
There we go.
1209
01:02:40,924 --> 01:02:43,391
Take a deep breath, relax.
1210
01:02:43,393 --> 01:02:47,362
Let the comfort
and ambience
envelop you.
1211
01:02:47,364 --> 01:02:52,000
So, madam, what brings you
to soft solutions today?
1212
01:02:52,002 --> 01:02:57,005
Are you shopping
for a new home
or just browsing?
1213
01:02:57,007 --> 01:02:58,006
None of the above.
1214
01:02:58,008 --> 01:03:00,509
Returning a hideous
Moroccan throw rug
for Morgan.
1215
01:03:00,511 --> 01:03:04,479
God damn it.
I picked that out
for her.
1216
01:03:04,814 --> 01:03:06,848
You did?
1217
01:03:07,016 --> 01:03:08,250
You met Morgan here?
1218
01:03:08,252 --> 01:03:11,887
Yeah.
In decor enrichments.
1219
01:03:11,889 --> 01:03:13,321
God, she was so beautiful.
1220
01:03:13,323 --> 01:03:17,425
I was intimidated,
to say the least,
but, I don't know,
1221
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:23,131
I got brave,
we started talking,
and we clicked.
1222
01:03:24,233 --> 01:03:27,202
I just wanted
a girlfriend.
1223
01:03:27,303 --> 01:03:28,069
Aw.
1224
01:03:28,071 --> 01:03:32,440
Okay, listen,
let me give you a tip
as your search continues.
1225
01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:34,075
Going psycho
and blackmailing a woman
1226
01:03:34,077 --> 01:03:37,546
isn't going to change
her mind about
your boyfriend potential.
1227
01:03:37,548 --> 01:03:40,348
That's fair enough.
Yeah.
1228
01:03:40,350 --> 01:03:43,518
You know she really
loves Grady, right?
1229
01:03:44,987 --> 01:03:46,388
Yeah, I know.
1230
01:03:46,390 --> 01:03:49,858
God, I can't wait
to get these people
out of my life.
1231
01:03:49,860 --> 01:03:51,359
Then kick Grady out.
I can't.
1232
01:03:51,361 --> 01:03:54,229
I'm a blackmailer, remember?
He could have me arrested.
1233
01:03:54,231 --> 01:03:56,565
I'm his kunta kinte
until he decides
to set me free.
1234
01:03:56,567 --> 01:04:00,235
That's not gonna happen
until he balances
the scales with Morgan
1235
01:04:00,237 --> 01:04:01,937
and gets
his revenge schtup.
1236
01:04:01,939 --> 01:04:03,471
Okay, so then
what are you doing
1237
01:04:03,473 --> 01:04:05,373
to help him on this
ridiculous mission?
1238
01:04:05,375 --> 01:04:07,576
Nothing.
I hate going out.
1239
01:04:07,578 --> 01:04:09,444
I'm a total curmudgeon.
1240
01:04:09,446 --> 01:04:10,579
And a whiny little bitch.
1241
01:04:10,581 --> 01:04:12,514
I wear pajama tops
and flip flops
to nightclubs.
1242
01:04:12,516 --> 01:04:16,284
You have the social skills
of a truck driver
with asperger's.
1243
01:04:16,286 --> 01:04:17,319
I'm a horrible wingman.
1244
01:04:17,321 --> 01:04:20,889
You're like
a colossal cockblocker.
1245
01:04:21,224 --> 01:04:22,891
Oh, my god.
1246
01:04:22,893 --> 01:04:23,525
Hannah.
1247
01:04:23,527 --> 01:04:27,195
I'm the reason
Grady hasn't
pulled the dick trigger.
1248
01:04:27,197 --> 01:04:29,598
Good god,
you're a genius.
1249
01:04:29,600 --> 01:04:32,901
You're just
realizing this now?
1250
01:04:32,903 --> 01:04:37,072
Grady? Where are we
headed tonight?
1251
01:04:37,074 --> 01:04:39,908
I am parched for hootch!
1252
01:04:39,976 --> 01:04:41,076
Dear dumbass.
1253
01:04:41,078 --> 01:04:43,411
I have some work to get done at the office.
1254
01:04:43,413 --> 01:04:44,646
Consider yourself on parole.
1255
01:04:44,648 --> 01:04:48,316
Love, the motherfucker in charge.
1256
01:04:49,486 --> 01:04:52,921
Not on my watch,
kemosabe.
1257
01:05:31,494 --> 01:05:35,096
Yeah, looking good, stensy.
1258
01:05:39,568 --> 01:05:41,670
Keep the change, baby.
1259
01:05:42,104 --> 01:05:44,272
Get yourself
something nice.
1260
01:05:47,311 --> 01:05:49,044
What was that?
1261
01:06:18,375 --> 01:06:19,574
It's checking out time.
1262
01:06:19,576 --> 01:06:21,176
What the fuck
are you doing here?
1263
01:06:21,178 --> 01:06:24,512
Put that shit away.
It's Thursday night,
weekend's already started.
1264
01:06:24,514 --> 01:06:26,514
Jesus Christ,
you look like shit.
1265
01:06:26,516 --> 01:06:28,750
Is that my
Rocco richetti pinstripe?
1266
01:06:28,752 --> 01:06:31,419
Yeah. Fits like
a condom, right?
1267
01:06:31,421 --> 01:06:33,254
All I'm saying
is ladies' night
1268
01:06:33,256 --> 01:06:35,623
at the Trinity club
is already in progress.
1269
01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,760
Three floors of DJs, dancing,
and binge drinking.
1270
01:06:38,762 --> 01:06:42,130
You take all
those ingredients,
put 'em in a muffin pan,
1271
01:06:42,132 --> 01:06:43,465
when they come
out of the oven,
1272
01:06:43,467 --> 01:06:45,233
they're hot, sweaty,
and destined for regret.
1273
01:06:45,235 --> 01:06:49,070
Come on. Are we gonna
settle the score
with Morgan or what?
1274
01:06:49,072 --> 01:06:53,108
Let's finish
what you fuckin' started.
1275
01:06:56,412 --> 01:06:59,280
You know what?
You're right.
1276
01:06:59,282 --> 01:07:02,217
Fuck it. Let's do it.
1277
01:07:06,490 --> 01:07:09,324
Who is the ringleader?
You're up!
You're up. You're up.
1278
01:07:09,326 --> 01:07:13,628
Who is the ringleader?
You're up! You're up!
You're up!
1279
01:07:13,630 --> 01:07:17,232
Who is the ringleader?
You're...
1280
01:07:17,767 --> 01:07:19,534
Wow. You guys live here?
Yeah.
1281
01:07:19,536 --> 01:07:23,471
We've stripped away
all the snobbery
of modern trendy furnishing
1282
01:07:23,473 --> 01:07:28,376
to create
a streamlined hidey-hole
of purified partying.
1283
01:07:28,378 --> 01:07:30,311
We call it "beatnik chic."
1284
01:07:30,313 --> 01:07:31,746
Works for me.
Cool.
1285
01:07:31,748 --> 01:07:34,049
Tequila!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
1286
01:07:34,051 --> 01:07:36,718
Fuck. I lasso
doublemint twins for us,
1287
01:07:36,720 --> 01:07:38,520
and you sit here like
a gassy infant? Come on!
1288
01:07:38,522 --> 01:07:41,623
What the fuck
happened to you?
Burns so good, baby.
1289
01:07:41,625 --> 01:07:42,624
Ai! Yi-yi-yi-yi!
1290
01:07:42,626 --> 01:07:45,527
Was that a middle eastern
war cry?
That was.
1291
01:07:45,529 --> 01:07:47,462
Where did that
come from?
I don't know.
1292
01:07:47,464 --> 01:07:48,797
You get up
off of your vagina.
1293
01:07:48,799 --> 01:07:51,232
You're embarrassing
yourself. Come on.
1294
01:07:51,234 --> 01:07:52,167
Fuck.
1295
01:07:52,169 --> 01:07:53,535
The next one's
for you, handsome.
1296
01:07:53,537 --> 01:07:55,637
Remember what
we're doing here.
1297
01:07:55,639 --> 01:07:56,504
Thank you.
1298
01:07:56,506 --> 01:07:58,573
Are we too cray-cray
for you, Grady?
1299
01:07:58,575 --> 01:07:59,574
Yes.
1300
01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:01,209
You'll have to excuse
my friend.
1301
01:08:01,211 --> 01:08:03,812
He gets bashful
around beautiful women.
1302
01:08:03,814 --> 01:08:05,447
Aw!
Aw!
1303
01:08:05,449 --> 01:08:07,282
We need music.
Yes!
1304
01:08:07,284 --> 01:08:10,518
Whoa... cool!
Records, just like
my Nana's house.
1305
01:08:10,520 --> 01:08:13,755
The next shots are gonna
come out of my navel, boys.
1306
01:08:13,757 --> 01:08:17,292
Here, help me up,
stensy.
Ooh. Yeah.
1307
01:08:17,359 --> 01:08:20,495
I got it. Billy ocean!
1308
01:08:20,863 --> 01:08:22,097
Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
1309
01:08:22,099 --> 01:08:26,301
You know,
i don't think Billy ocean
is such a good idea.
1310
01:08:26,303 --> 01:08:27,469
Who's Billy ocean?
1311
01:08:27,471 --> 01:08:28,803
What's your problem
with Billy ocean?
1312
01:08:28,805 --> 01:08:32,173
I... I just react
strangely to his music, okay?
1313
01:08:32,175 --> 01:08:34,375
I just... I just have
an emotional relationship.
1314
01:08:34,377 --> 01:08:38,513
There's a lot of
history there, okay?
So, don't put it on.
1315
01:08:38,515 --> 01:08:40,115
Hmm.
You hear that, girls?
1316
01:08:40,117 --> 01:08:43,651
Stensland reacts strangely
to Billy ocean's music.
1317
01:08:43,653 --> 01:08:45,687
No, no, no, elaborate.
1318
01:08:45,689 --> 01:08:48,256
No, I don't really...
Come on! Please?
1319
01:08:48,258 --> 01:08:50,258
- No, no, no, because...
- Stensy...
1320
01:08:50,260 --> 01:08:51,526
Fine, fine, okay. It's...
1321
01:08:51,528 --> 01:08:57,632
It's kind of sappy,
but, uh,
it's genuine stensland.
1322
01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:58,700
All right.
1323
01:08:58,702 --> 01:09:01,236
Amber mcginnitty
was the prettiest
1324
01:09:01,238 --> 01:09:03,238
12-year-old in
the history of 12-year-olds.
1325
01:09:03,240 --> 01:09:08,176
She loved Billy ocean,
and I loved her,
so I studied him.
1326
01:09:08,178 --> 01:09:13,515
He was everything I wasn't.
Suave, soulful,
fashionable, black.
1327
01:09:13,517 --> 01:09:16,551
My mother made me
a little white suit
just like Billy's.
1328
01:09:16,553 --> 01:09:23,324
I put it on,
locked myself in my bedroom,
and danced to his jams.
1329
01:09:24,160 --> 01:09:28,596
And then I'd cry
and feel sorry for myself.
1330
01:09:28,664 --> 01:09:29,764
Oh...
1331
01:09:29,766 --> 01:09:30,498
Aw...
1332
01:09:30,500 --> 01:09:33,201
So, anytime I hear
the sounds of the ocean now,
1333
01:09:33,203 --> 01:09:37,739
it just puts me in mind
of Amber mcginnitty.
1334
01:09:37,741 --> 01:09:38,873
Well, did you ask her out?
1335
01:09:38,875 --> 01:09:41,676
Yes, to the tropical
para-dance.
1336
01:09:41,678 --> 01:09:44,245
And she said yes?
1337
01:09:48,384 --> 01:09:49,417
Oh!
Oh...
1338
01:09:49,419 --> 01:09:50,785
Oh...
Ooh.
1339
01:09:50,787 --> 01:09:52,820
Oh, stensy...
Oh, that's nice.
1340
01:09:52,822 --> 01:09:56,591
Hey. Hey, hey.
I would hug you,
too, but, um...
1341
01:09:56,593 --> 01:09:59,561
I've got a beverage
in my bellybutton.
1342
01:09:59,563 --> 01:10:02,330
Come on.
Come on.
1343
01:10:02,332 --> 01:10:04,299
Um...
1344
01:10:04,733 --> 01:10:06,634
Suck me.
1345
01:10:06,835 --> 01:10:09,571
Do it. Suck her.
1346
01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:22,784
Go, stensy!
1347
01:10:37,399 --> 01:10:39,801
Yeah, stensy! Whoo!
1348
01:10:44,840 --> 01:10:46,007
Whoo!
1349
01:10:47,577 --> 01:10:50,845
Whoo!
1350
01:11:32,822 --> 01:11:34,822
Fucking slut.
1351
01:11:36,293 --> 01:11:37,292
What?
1352
01:11:37,294 --> 01:11:41,629
I'm sorry.
Samantha is a fucking slut.
1353
01:11:41,631 --> 01:11:43,998
You're nice, stensland.
It's just...
1354
01:11:44,000 --> 01:11:46,634
I kind of had
my heart set on Grady,
1355
01:11:46,636 --> 01:11:48,803
and fucking bitch
Samantha does it again!
1356
01:11:48,805 --> 01:11:52,307
She just sluts it up so early
that they can't even choose
1357
01:11:52,309 --> 01:11:53,574
when it comes
time to pick rooms,
1358
01:11:53,576 --> 01:11:55,743
and then I just
always get stuck with the,
you know...
1359
01:11:55,745 --> 01:11:57,879
With the what?
1360
01:11:57,946 --> 01:11:59,480
With the dorky one?
1361
01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:04,052
With the pale
and waifish pity case?
The goat boy?
1362
01:12:04,054 --> 01:12:10,325
The sad sack who only
watches programming
intended for teen girls?
1363
01:12:14,963 --> 01:12:17,365
I'm sorry.
1364
01:12:19,868 --> 01:12:24,806
Oh, my god! This bathroom
is disgusting!
1365
01:12:48,097 --> 01:12:48,896
What?
1366
01:12:48,898 --> 01:12:51,532
Well, I did it last night.
1367
01:12:51,534 --> 01:12:52,633
You did what last night?
1368
01:12:52,635 --> 01:12:57,505
She was young and quite gorgeous.
1369
01:12:58,073 --> 01:13:01,909
So, how's it feel?
1370
01:13:06,015 --> 01:13:08,383
It feels awful.
1371
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:11,686
Is there anything else?
1372
01:13:12,821 --> 01:13:14,555
No.
1373
01:13:14,557 --> 01:13:17,925
I've got nothing else to say.
1374
01:13:18,861 --> 01:13:22,964
Well, then goodbye, Grady.
1375
01:13:23,031 --> 01:13:24,966
Goodbye.
1376
01:13:30,773 --> 01:13:32,940
Oh, hey.
1377
01:13:34,076 --> 01:13:36,844
Sorry about last night.
1378
01:13:37,546 --> 01:13:39,147
Yeah.
1379
01:13:39,149 --> 01:13:41,416
Whatever.
1380
01:14:03,172 --> 01:14:04,739
Hey, stensland.
1381
01:14:04,741 --> 01:14:06,908
Good morning, Michael.
1382
01:14:09,611 --> 01:14:11,813
Thank you.
Okay.
1383
01:14:22,758 --> 01:14:24,692
Excuse me,
can you help me?
1384
01:14:24,694 --> 01:14:28,663
I'm sorry,
i don't actually work here.
1385
01:14:29,031 --> 01:14:32,166
Are you Billy ocean?
1386
01:14:32,168 --> 01:14:34,068
Feelin' pretty blue,
huh, stensy?
1387
01:14:34,070 --> 01:14:39,173
Deep blue, Billy.
I fucked up, big style.
1388
01:14:39,175 --> 01:14:40,708
You sure did,
my pale friend.
1389
01:14:40,710 --> 01:14:46,747
I indulged Grady's penis
when it was his heart
that needed a hand.
1390
01:14:46,749 --> 01:14:49,951
Ah, this beach party
ain't over, stensy.
1391
01:14:49,953 --> 01:14:51,052
It runs on island time.
1392
01:14:51,054 --> 01:14:54,489
What's track number six
off of love zone?
1393
01:14:54,491 --> 01:14:56,657
Track number six...
1394
01:14:56,792 --> 01:14:59,160
It's never too late to try.
1395
01:14:59,162 --> 01:15:01,162
Slip on a new pair
of boat shoes.
1396
01:15:01,164 --> 01:15:03,164
The world needs
your help, stensy.
1397
01:15:03,166 --> 01:15:05,233
In fact, I need
your help right now.
1398
01:15:05,235 --> 01:15:06,234
You do?
I do.
1399
01:15:06,236 --> 01:15:11,539
Where can I find me
a love seat
impervious to cat pee?
1400
01:15:11,974 --> 01:15:13,140
What?
1401
01:15:13,142 --> 01:15:14,742
Do you know, young man?
1402
01:15:14,744 --> 01:15:17,879
I... wait, where did
your breezy suit go?
1403
01:15:17,881 --> 01:15:19,614
You're not Billy ocean.
1404
01:15:19,616 --> 01:15:21,115
Breezy suit? Focus, son.
1405
01:15:21,117 --> 01:15:23,251
I'm looking for a love seat
that won't stain
1406
01:15:23,253 --> 01:15:27,588
when my wife's crazy cat
takes a whizz on it.
1407
01:15:27,689 --> 01:15:28,856
Oh.
1408
01:15:28,858 --> 01:15:30,124
Yeah, uh, of course.
1409
01:15:30,126 --> 01:15:32,293
Well, the "home sweet home"
collection
1410
01:15:32,295 --> 01:15:35,630
has an optional
stain-resistant fabric.
1411
01:15:35,632 --> 01:15:36,564
Excellent.
1412
01:15:36,566 --> 01:15:37,798
Come right this way, sir.
1413
01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:40,601
Now, this textile has
the look and feel of cotton,
1414
01:15:40,603 --> 01:15:43,170
but totally kicks
blemishes to the curb.
1415
01:15:43,172 --> 01:15:47,008
Perfect. Does it
come in tropical print?
1416
01:15:47,309 --> 01:15:48,709
Morgan!
Oh, jeez.
1417
01:15:48,711 --> 01:15:52,079
Did you eat all the bismarcks?
There's not gonna be
enough for the clients.
1418
01:15:52,081 --> 01:15:55,850
I'm sorry. I'm a little
upside down right now.
1419
01:15:55,852 --> 01:16:00,221
Oh, Grady.
Grady finally got
his revenge last night.
1420
01:16:00,223 --> 01:16:01,856
He what?
1421
01:16:01,858 --> 01:16:02,990
Oh...
1422
01:16:02,992 --> 01:16:04,025
Yep.
1423
01:16:04,027 --> 01:16:05,226
Who was it?
I don't know,
1424
01:16:05,228 --> 01:16:08,663
but up in here, she looks like
Jessica rabbit, only sexier.
1425
01:16:08,665 --> 01:16:12,567
I'm sorry. You can't be
that surprised.
1426
01:16:12,569 --> 01:16:14,335
No, you're right, I'm not.
1427
01:16:14,337 --> 01:16:16,203
Can we look
on the bright side?
1428
01:16:16,205 --> 01:16:17,238
We have more donuts?
1429
01:16:17,240 --> 01:16:20,107
No. Now,
in Grady's stubborn mind,
1430
01:16:20,109 --> 01:16:21,742
the scales have
finally been balanced.
1431
01:16:21,744 --> 01:16:23,811
He's shot his spiteful wad,
and we both know
1432
01:16:23,813 --> 01:16:27,181
what happens to guys
after they blow their load.
1433
01:16:27,183 --> 01:16:28,049
They get real.
1434
01:16:28,051 --> 01:16:29,650
It's too late
to get real, Hannah.
1435
01:16:29,652 --> 01:16:33,654
I mean, it is over.
It is over like
smoking on planes is over.
1436
01:16:33,656 --> 01:16:36,324
I'm telling you,
if he was to walk
in here right now
1437
01:16:36,326 --> 01:16:37,758
and get down
on his knees
1438
01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:40,628
with the hope diamond,
i would not take him back.
1439
01:16:40,630 --> 01:16:42,063
Fuck him.
1440
01:16:42,065 --> 01:16:46,834
Fuck him and his...
His dreamy blue eyes.
1441
01:16:46,836 --> 01:16:51,606
Oh, god, I hope
Judy in accounting
has mini-snickers.
1442
01:16:56,778 --> 01:16:58,646
Oh, hello there.
1443
01:16:58,648 --> 01:17:03,718
Just wanted to pay you
in advance for the kid's rent.
1444
01:17:03,720 --> 01:17:05,853
Just a couple of months.
1445
01:17:07,956 --> 01:17:09,890
Stensland.
1446
01:17:09,892 --> 01:17:11,792
Thank you.
1447
01:17:17,899 --> 01:17:20,201
Hey.
You got a job?
1448
01:17:20,203 --> 01:17:23,971
Yeah, my new grindstone.
1449
01:17:24,272 --> 01:17:26,140
Well, you look sharp.
1450
01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:29,644
Thanks.
Congratulations.
1451
01:17:29,811 --> 01:17:30,845
Where are you going?
1452
01:17:30,847 --> 01:17:34,715
Ah, get some work done,
then check into
the four seasons.
1453
01:17:34,717 --> 01:17:37,251
I tormented you
long enough.
1454
01:17:39,721 --> 01:17:42,890
You slept with Samantha,
i assume?
1455
01:17:45,060 --> 01:17:48,929
No, I didn't. I couldn't.
1456
01:17:51,334 --> 01:17:54,235
Well, you know,
1457
01:17:54,302 --> 01:17:56,837
the heart pumps blood
into the penis,
1458
01:17:56,839 --> 01:17:58,205
but when that
heart is broken...
1459
01:17:58,207 --> 01:18:01,375
Oh, god, give me a break.
...The penis...
1460
01:18:01,377 --> 01:18:04,145
My penis wasn't the problem,
dumbass.
1461
01:18:04,147 --> 01:18:06,247
And if you're so smart
about this stuff,
1462
01:18:06,249 --> 01:18:08,783
why did she fuck around
on me to begin with?
1463
01:18:08,785 --> 01:18:10,251
With you!
I don't know.
1464
01:18:10,253 --> 01:18:14,422
Isn't marriage supposedly
harder than pole vaulting?
1465
01:18:14,424 --> 01:18:18,392
My parents
lasted for four years
and threw in the sponge.
1466
01:18:18,394 --> 01:18:21,128
You and Morgan
prevailed for 15.
1467
01:18:21,130 --> 01:18:22,697
But after
15 years of anything,
1468
01:18:22,699 --> 01:18:25,733
even something good
is bound to Fritz
a little, right?
1469
01:18:25,735 --> 01:18:29,136
I don't know if it's been good
for a long time, stensland.
1470
01:18:29,138 --> 01:18:31,272
Whose fault is that,
do you think?
1471
01:18:31,274 --> 01:18:35,076
I'm sorry,
but why don't you
just go home?
1472
01:18:35,078 --> 01:18:35,943
To Morgan.
1473
01:18:35,945 --> 01:18:38,713
You know she's sorry!
You are too!
1474
01:18:38,715 --> 01:18:41,782
Because everything
has changed, that's why.
1475
01:18:41,784 --> 01:18:44,452
No, look, your love
has just been tested.
1476
01:18:44,454 --> 01:18:46,087
Like Aladdin in
the cave of wonders,
1477
01:18:46,089 --> 01:18:51,225
or when wonka's
golden ticket-holders
got everlasting gobstoppers.
1478
01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:53,794
You passed the test, Grady.
1479
01:18:53,796 --> 01:18:55,229
You still love each other!
1480
01:18:55,231 --> 01:18:58,032
Sometimes, you have
to lose somebody completely
1481
01:18:58,034 --> 01:19:02,269
before you can figure out
what they really mean to you.
1482
01:19:02,271 --> 01:19:05,973
Why don't you go
and tell her that?
1483
01:19:06,274 --> 01:19:10,778
I appreciate you caring.
It's not that simple.
1484
01:19:10,780 --> 01:19:12,513
Goodbye, stensland.
1485
01:19:12,848 --> 01:19:15,282
Your butch ego
is getting in the way
1486
01:19:15,284 --> 01:19:18,352
of your happiness,
you asshole!
1487
01:19:18,354 --> 01:19:20,821
You're really
not going to her?
1488
01:19:20,823 --> 01:19:24,225
No, I am not going to her.
1489
01:19:24,227 --> 01:19:28,829
Okay. Well... I am.
1490
01:19:28,831 --> 01:19:32,800
You wanna know why
she cheated on you?
The truth?
1491
01:19:32,802 --> 01:19:33,968
It's because of me.
1492
01:19:33,970 --> 01:19:36,337
I'm the romantic
and sensitive type of man
1493
01:19:36,339 --> 01:19:38,172
Morgan knows
she should've married.
1494
01:19:38,174 --> 01:19:41,208
All I had to do was pay her
one gooey compliment,
1495
01:19:41,210 --> 01:19:44,912
and those waterlogged
panties hit the floor.
1496
01:19:44,914 --> 01:19:46,447
Ker-splash.
1497
01:19:46,449 --> 01:19:48,115
Your wife is
the finest piece
1498
01:19:48,117 --> 01:19:50,117
of ass and boobs
I've ever tasted,
1499
01:19:50,119 --> 01:19:53,420
and I'm going right back
to her office, right now
1500
01:19:53,422 --> 01:19:55,356
to get me some more!
1501
01:19:55,358 --> 01:19:57,124
Son of a bitch. Stensland!
1502
01:19:57,126 --> 01:20:01,262
My tongue is gonna be
in her vagina so long,
it'll pickle!
1503
01:20:01,264 --> 01:20:03,264
I'm gonna make her go...
1504
01:20:06,234 --> 01:20:07,401
All over again!
1505
01:20:07,403 --> 01:20:10,037
Come on.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
1506
01:20:10,039 --> 01:20:11,372
You don't deserve her!
I do!
1507
01:20:11,374 --> 01:20:14,909
I'm gonna bury you,
dig you up,
and kill you again!
1508
01:20:14,911 --> 01:20:16,544
I'm killing you.
1509
01:20:16,546 --> 01:20:18,846
Hey, girls.
1510
01:20:19,181 --> 01:20:20,347
Sorry.
1511
01:20:20,349 --> 01:20:22,983
I owe you one.
No problem, sweetheart.
1512
01:20:22,985 --> 01:20:25,820
Stensland, you little prick!
1513
01:20:26,188 --> 01:20:27,121
Ooh.
1514
01:20:27,123 --> 01:20:28,155
Must be the husband.
1515
01:20:28,157 --> 01:20:30,991
I guess so.
Mm-hmm. I'd tap that.
1516
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:39,200
Not now, muumuu!
1517
01:20:40,302 --> 01:20:42,236
Stensland!
1518
01:20:46,341 --> 01:20:47,942
Ooh!
1519
01:21:00,856 --> 01:21:03,591
Stay! Stay! Stay!
1520
01:21:03,593 --> 01:21:05,025
Stay! Stay, stay!
1521
01:21:05,027 --> 01:21:08,362
What the... those are
$2,000 pants, asshole!
1522
01:21:08,364 --> 01:21:09,997
Morgan needs
a fresh young buck,
1523
01:21:09,999 --> 01:21:12,566
not a bitter old Nelly!
Fuck you!
1524
01:21:12,568 --> 01:21:14,468
Son of a bitch.
1525
01:21:18,073 --> 01:21:19,640
What the hell do you want?
1526
01:21:19,642 --> 01:21:22,109
Stensland!
1527
01:21:23,211 --> 01:21:25,246
Hey! Hey!
1528
01:21:25,248 --> 01:21:28,282
Come back here,
you little shit!
1529
01:21:35,156 --> 01:21:37,057
Son of a bitch!
1530
01:21:39,995 --> 01:21:42,429
Where the fuck...
1531
01:21:43,131 --> 01:21:44,331
Counselor?
Tiny!
1532
01:21:44,333 --> 01:21:45,966
Carrot-top,
half-pants, which way?
1533
01:21:45,968 --> 01:21:48,168
Through the house.
Want a knife?
1534
01:21:48,170 --> 01:21:49,503
No, I'm good.
Thanks, tiny.
1535
01:21:49,505 --> 01:21:53,340
Re-draw hearing Tuesday!
Judge's chambers!
Don't be late!
1536
01:21:53,342 --> 01:21:56,343
That's my lawyer.
1537
01:22:01,216 --> 01:22:04,051
I'm gonna put
my Willy in her!
1538
01:22:04,053 --> 01:22:06,086
Son of a bitch!
1539
01:22:08,690 --> 01:22:10,357
Fuck you!
1540
01:22:10,359 --> 01:22:11,992
Die, fucker.
1541
01:22:11,994 --> 01:22:14,228
Taxi! Sorry.
1542
01:22:20,435 --> 01:22:23,938
So, where to, gentlemen?
1543
01:22:28,343 --> 01:22:30,010
Okay.
1544
01:22:32,415 --> 01:22:35,549
Going up, in her vagina.
You little bitch.
1545
01:22:37,386 --> 01:22:38,953
So, what impact
does traditional
1546
01:22:38,955 --> 01:22:41,055
earned media have
in the marketplace?
1547
01:22:41,057 --> 01:22:42,222
Well, I'm going to tell you.
1548
01:22:42,224 --> 01:22:44,992
Oh, shit.
1549
01:22:44,994 --> 01:22:47,161
Call the paramedics!
1550
01:22:47,996 --> 01:22:50,297
Now you're going to get
the ass-kicking you deserve.
1551
01:22:50,299 --> 01:22:52,199
Could you just
free my windpipe?
1552
01:22:52,201 --> 01:22:54,501
No.
I'm getting an erection.
1553
01:22:54,503 --> 01:22:56,303
Call security, please.
1554
01:22:56,305 --> 01:23:00,074
I'm really sorry,
everyone. Um...
1555
01:23:00,141 --> 01:23:01,475
I apologize.
1556
01:23:01,477 --> 01:23:07,548
We are going to have
to reschedule this.
I'm so sorry.
1557
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:08,582
So...
1558
01:23:08,584 --> 01:23:13,354
Okay, folks.
I'll call you tomorrow
to reschedule. Thank you.
1559
01:23:14,122 --> 01:23:18,359
Sorry.
The pitch
was blown anyway.
1560
01:23:19,427 --> 01:23:21,729
Thank you. Grady.
1561
01:23:22,197 --> 01:23:23,697
Hannah.
1562
01:23:23,699 --> 01:23:27,368
Four weeks,
I've been working
on that presentation.
1563
01:23:27,370 --> 01:23:30,604
Morgan,
he's come to apologize.
1564
01:23:30,606 --> 01:23:35,175
Wait, hang on.
Yes, you did, Grady.
1565
01:23:36,711 --> 01:23:38,212
Morgan,
1566
01:23:38,214 --> 01:23:39,446
you should've seen
how he reacted
1567
01:23:39,448 --> 01:23:42,549
when I told him
i was coming here
to fuck you again.
1568
01:23:42,551 --> 01:23:47,054
He was transformed
into a violent love werewolf.
1569
01:23:47,056 --> 01:23:49,490
Cursed not by the bite
of another love wolf,
1570
01:23:49,492 --> 01:23:56,397
but by his ferocious,
undying love for you,
his luminous bride.
1571
01:23:56,399 --> 01:23:58,332
This romance
has teeth, people.
1572
01:23:58,334 --> 01:24:04,738
Your saga puts me
in mind of Napoleon
and Josephine in many ways.
1573
01:24:04,806 --> 01:24:07,074
Despite adultery and...
Stensland.
1574
01:24:07,076 --> 01:24:09,410
Yeah? Oh.
1575
01:24:15,150 --> 01:24:17,418
Come on, Grady.
1576
01:24:21,790 --> 01:24:23,390
We wouldn't have
burst in like this
1577
01:24:23,392 --> 01:24:26,093
if I'd known that,
you know,
the pitch was today.
1578
01:24:26,095 --> 01:24:29,163
Oh, but how would you have
known about this pitch?
1579
01:24:29,165 --> 01:24:31,365
It didn't involve you.
1580
01:24:31,599 --> 01:24:32,599
It doesn't matter.
1581
01:24:32,601 --> 01:24:36,103
Hannah's right.
It was screwed
from the beginning.
1582
01:24:36,105 --> 01:24:36,737
Really?
1583
01:24:36,739 --> 01:24:39,406
But you're the best
powerpoint player
in the game.
1584
01:24:39,408 --> 01:24:40,541
Yeah, well,
you know what?
1585
01:24:40,543 --> 01:24:42,242
Not on the day that
my husband calls me
1586
01:24:42,244 --> 01:24:44,478
to tell me he screwed
someone else.
1587
01:24:45,747 --> 01:24:47,381
Right.
1588
01:24:47,682 --> 01:24:49,483
He's gonna fuck this up.
1589
01:24:49,485 --> 01:24:50,417
No, he won't.
1590
01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:53,320
Come on, Grady,
give her the straight shit.
1591
01:24:53,322 --> 01:24:56,090
Listen, Morgan, I, uh...
1592
01:24:56,691 --> 01:24:58,392
I lied about that.
1593
01:24:58,394 --> 01:25:01,195
I didn't sleep
with anybody.
1594
01:25:01,197 --> 01:25:04,531
I tried, but I didn't.
1595
01:25:04,632 --> 01:25:05,466
Why not?
1596
01:25:05,468 --> 01:25:09,536
Because I couldn't stop
thinking about you.
1597
01:25:10,505 --> 01:25:12,573
And about us.
1598
01:25:13,475 --> 01:25:15,409
That's good.
1599
01:25:16,644 --> 01:25:20,347
I owe you an apology,
and I get that now.
1600
01:25:20,349 --> 01:25:21,448
Grady, what do you get?
1601
01:25:21,450 --> 01:25:25,419
That I'm the one
that screwed up
our marriage.
1602
01:25:25,421 --> 01:25:29,423
I neglected you,
and I abandoned us.
1603
01:25:29,425 --> 01:25:33,127
And your firm took off,
and my career took off...
1604
01:25:33,129 --> 01:25:37,431
I tried. I was trying
so hard, Grady.
1605
01:25:37,433 --> 01:25:38,332
I know you did.
1606
01:25:38,334 --> 01:25:41,602
I saw it. But I was stupid,
and I was lazy,
1607
01:25:41,604 --> 01:25:46,573
and I took you,
the only woman
I've ever been in love with,
1608
01:25:46,575 --> 01:25:50,544
I took you for granted,
just like a...
1609
01:25:50,546 --> 01:25:52,880
An asshole.
1610
01:25:53,448 --> 01:25:55,682
And I'm sorry, Morgan.
1611
01:25:56,317 --> 01:25:58,585
But assholes can learn.
1612
01:25:58,587 --> 01:26:03,724
And I think,
in a positive way,
our love has been tested.
1613
01:26:03,726 --> 01:26:08,695
Not unlike Aladdin
in the thunder cave,
1614
01:26:08,697 --> 01:26:14,568
or even Willy wonka
when he was giving food away
1615
01:26:14,570 --> 01:26:16,503
to the homeless.
What?
1616
01:26:16,505 --> 01:26:19,706
He's getting
wonka all wrong.
1617
01:26:21,609 --> 01:26:25,812
Oh, Grady.
I'm sorry, too.
1618
01:26:28,683 --> 01:26:30,584
Look, I do know
one thing.
1619
01:26:30,586 --> 01:26:34,488
Sometimes you have to
completely lose somebody
1620
01:26:34,490 --> 01:26:39,359
before you can
really appreciate
what they mean to you.
1621
01:26:42,330 --> 01:26:44,231
Fucker.
1622
01:26:44,233 --> 01:26:47,234
I'm almost impressed
right now.
Oh, don't be.
1623
01:26:47,236 --> 01:26:49,803
Grady subconsciously knew
what I was doing.
1624
01:26:49,805 --> 01:26:50,904
You think?
Yeah.
1625
01:26:50,906 --> 01:26:53,207
He's too mule-headed
to come see her on his own,
1626
01:26:53,209 --> 01:26:55,342
so I just gave him
an excuse rooted
in an emotion
1627
01:26:55,344 --> 01:26:59,780
he's comfortable expressing.
Blind, vengeful fury.
1628
01:26:59,782 --> 01:27:00,547
Hmm.
1629
01:27:00,549 --> 01:27:03,850
On second thought,
that is pretty impressive.
Admire me accordingly.
1630
01:27:09,491 --> 01:27:14,795
Well, as Mary poppins
and a paraphrased
Jesus once said,
1631
01:27:15,296 --> 01:27:17,698
"my work here is done."
1632
01:27:18,600 --> 01:27:20,667
Goodbye, Hannah.
1633
01:27:21,402 --> 01:27:21,969
Bye.
1634
01:27:21,971 --> 01:27:24,905
You're welcome.
What?
1635
01:27:34,816 --> 01:27:36,316
Hey!
1636
01:27:36,318 --> 01:27:36,883
Oh.
1637
01:27:36,885 --> 01:27:38,752
We wanted to thank him.
1638
01:27:38,754 --> 01:27:40,520
Yeah, well,
it'll have to wait.
1639
01:27:40,522 --> 01:27:44,691
He's on to his next adventure.
Or whatever.
1640
01:27:44,693 --> 01:27:49,830
He seems different somehow.
Like, I don't know.
1641
01:27:49,832 --> 01:27:52,299
Like a big,
beautiful condor
1642
01:27:52,301 --> 01:27:55,769
that people will
respect and fear.
1643
01:27:55,771 --> 01:28:00,307
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland,"
they'll say.
1644
01:28:00,309 --> 01:28:04,745
"I can't believe that
used to be stensland."
1645
01:32:55,603 --> 01:32:57,237
That is delightful
and witty.
1646
01:32:57,239 --> 01:32:59,306
I know.
122528
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