Original subtitles

My name is Darcy.

And this, is the end.

I know what you're thinking.

She has the cute guy.

So life must be pretty great.

Would you like to try some of mine?

And you know what?

I used to believe that.

I used to think that up until you found your soul mate,

-nothing was really complete. -This is to die for.

But, it's not about the guys at all.

In fact, fuck guys.

It's about your friends.

You're gonna call me a man-hater.

But that couldn't be further from the truth.

I love men.

If anything, I love them too much.

And that's what got me into trouble.

I really was having a good time.

But for you to understand,

we have to go back to the beginning.

BLACK WINDOWS

Subrip: Pix

I've never had the best of luck with men.

But, if I'm being truthful with myself,

that's probably my fault.

I mean, look at me, bringing flowers to my boyfriend

on our anniversary.

Sucker.

I was sweet, naive,

and maybe just a little bit stupid.

That's why in life,

you need someone to come in

and give you a big dose of reality.

What the fuck?

Why aren't you at work?

Well, this is awkward.

I was hoping to be clothed when I finally met you.

Excuse me?

Well, there's pictures of you in the living room,

and, I was almost jealous,

but Jeremy explained that you're his sister.

And you're... You're really pretty.

What the fuck is going on?

-She's... -I'm his girlfriend.

I can't blame her for giving me the crazy eyes.

I'd probably do the same thing.

-Baby, it's not what it looks like... -Baby?

Yeah, right? Three months?

How about three years?

You're not his sister.

This is just a one time thing, I don't... I barely know her.

I... Kate, honestly, it was just this one time

I... it was just one time. It was a mistake,

I made a mistake.

What, well, you couldn't have chosen somebody better?

Baby, no one's better than you, right?

I mean, look at her, she's a bit porky, don't you think?

What are you talking about...

This is so humiliating!

And that was my first threesome.

See your heart beat through your chest

And I feel like I'm your prey

You've got me by the neck

And I don't wanna get away...

Does she know you're talking to me?

In my life, Nora was the big sister.

Theatrically over-protective.

I just don't really know if polyamorous is my thing.

If that's the word.

Yeah, I guess I could do dinner,

with both of you, on satur...

No, why are you even calling her?

You are not man enough for one woman,

much less two, or twenty, or whatever.

What do you think this is, "big love"?

You can't have a million girlfriends.

Leave Darcy alone, all right?

She's way better than you.

Consider yourself blocked.

Bye.

-Trade? -Yeah.

Okay.

Seriously though, you should probably block him.

Really? Thank you.

You're welcome. You deserve a lot better than that.

Really? Another dud?

The last guy was literally tindering during dinner.

Why can't we just pick for her?

That's strike three, Nora.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Really? 'Cause of this?

Management just saw the donut petition.

I just said that I think there should be donuts.

Nora...

It was discriminatory to have bagels and not donuts.

You petitioned the staff to get management to buy donuts.

I like my morning with frosting and sprinkles.

Last month, it was the amount of creamer options in here,

and how much time is given for paternity leave.

I'm a woman of the people.

Not anymore, you aren't.

Management is concerned that you aren't as passionate about your work,

as you are about the break room supplies and the staff policy.

I'm sorry.

How many of these do you think I can fit in my mouth at once?

Ready for more?

-Please fit them all in there. -Round four.

Then there was Olivia.

She was more like the matriarch of the group.

All right, ladies,

raise your glasses.

Here's to a new chapter.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

She claimed to know what was best.

And she was usually right.

How about more about how you're a metrosexual, 'cause he's definitely Metro.

She seemed to have the perfect life.

Complete with friends just like her.

-You called him out. -You revealed one of your secrets.

You called him out.

I'm just telling you, I'm not gonna drive,

he's driving.

-This was amazing. -It was.

Thank you so much, you guys, for having us.

Anytime.

-Next time it's at our place, okay? -Okay.

No, it was a pleasure.

We don't see you guys often enough.

You guys are so precious.

Hey, when are we gonna go golfing again?

-Megan just bought me a new driver. -I'll call you.

And we're gonna have lunch while these guys are out.

-You and me. -I'd like that.

Take care.

-Take care, you guys, see you. -Bye, thanks again.

Drive safely.

They're so cute.

He's so nice, isn't he?

He is.

Babe, can you pour me a drink?

Are you sure you need another one?

Please don't make me ask again.

I'm just saying, I don't think you need another drink.

There you go, thinking again.

Are you listening to me?

Look at me when I talk to you.

Wipe that look off your face, or I'll do it for you.

I'm not gonna do this with you again.

Okay?

But we all have our secrets.

And back to the parents' house, again.

The secret's out.

Thanks.

I wish I was just visiting.

-Let's go hustle. -All right.

Hurry, hurry.

Got milk.

Delete that, right now.

We were a family.

My god, you guys. Do you remember?

My grill?

They called me "metalmouth" for years.

Here's Olivia.

Sophisticated, personified.

Not here.

We put our friendship above everything.

Including our love lives.

Is that Andy in the background?

That's definitely him.

That was the year before we met you.

Before Andy became a shit stain.

-Do you remember that day? -No.

I was so mortified.

I can't believe anyone believed that rumor, anyways.

Like I'd make animal noises during sex.

He was obviously lying.

That takes more coordination than you have.

True, true, all of the breathing,

and the movement, and the barnyard noises.

Watch out, or you will wake up naked, tied to a porch,

like dear old Andy.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Cocksucker deserved it.

Olivia!

Speaking of cocksuckers.

Here's Johnny.

Olivia! Open the door!

Olivia!

Come on baby, let me in.

I called the cops, they're already on their way.

Fuck!

Just sign the divorce papers!

Lovers in the dust...

My god, she's gonna kill you.

Why? She's officially the world's most desirable bachelorette now.

-Hiking? She doesn't hike. -Okay, but men love it.

It's all about the workout pants.

She's not gonna go for this.

This is an intervention. She doesn't have to like it.

You're gonna help her meet her mate.

Who is meeting their mate?

Yeah, "nobabies" dating site.

Is that actually a site?

You're already online dating.

Yeah, we're just helping the process.

Yeah, shut it down.

Really?

I have pigtails in my profile picture.

But blair101 likes them.

He's a little cute, okay.

As a matter of fact, he's quite attractive.

He's on an online dating site.

That's never stopped you before.

Fine, whatever. Set it up.

Yes!

-Yup. -No hiking dates.

-So, it's official? -Yep.

Technically it has to go through the system first,

but I am on my way to being a divorce.

-Here's to freedom. -To freedom.

Speaking of men, how was your date last night?

Yes, how was it?

Was he as cute as his pictures online?

Are you referring to the Adonis that you set me up with?

You could have prepared me.

I mean, you can't transition me from geeks to gods

overnight.

So how did our man do?

He seems great.

I don't really know him, but,

he seems sweet so far.

Yes!

You see, all you needed

was Nora's matchmaking services.

Maybe I'll set you up next.

No. Focus on one couple at a time, cupid.

Don't, we just started dating.

You love him. You love him.

Okay, let's not pat ourselves on the back prematurely.

-Love. -Please, stop.

All right, Nora, you're all done.

-I'll see you up front. -Thank you.

-You're good to go. -Thank you.

Darcy and Blair, sitting in a tree...?

-K-I-s-s-I-n-g? -This is cruel.

First comes love, then comes marriage,

then comes...

Okay, ladies, I have to go to work, now.

Crap, me too.

-Right, me three. -Love you.

You're gonna roll with that? Okay.

Cold.

-No repetition. -Damn, park.

Darcy. . You're so smooth.

That's so sweet.

That's why they call me, "jamba juice."

-What's this? -That's my bumper sticker.

-Your bumper sticker? -Yeah, my ex wasn't really a fan.

He kinda said it was like

putting a bumper sticker on a Bentley.

A Bentley? Well, at least that's flattering.

Yeah, I guess, if you like gas-guzzling, status symbols,

then, sure, why not?

Somebody is a spitfire today.

Well, maybe so.

-So, what's your deal? -My deal?

Yeah, you're on a dating site. Why?

I could ask you the same question.

Avoidance, that's fine.

Okay. No particular reason.

I just haven't found what I was looking for.

I want the kind of relationship that my parents have.

And up until now, I didn't think I could find that with anyone.

Okay, no. No. Okay, that's like the worst thing

that you could do to a photographer.

You know what? I could get used to being around you.

You're kind of special.

Like this kind of special?

I think that is a really good look for you.

You should start doing that more often.

Thank you. You know what?

My normal face doesn't always work for me.

I think it's pretty great.

Do you want to go back inside?

Okay.

Bienvenue a la Maison de Blair.

Bless you.

It means welcome to the house of Blair.

This is my casbah.

I blame you for the general clumsiness.

Moi? No, no, no, no, no.

-Why? -'Cause you make me nervous.

Come on, let's go.

Slave driver.

Okay, you're gonna hit the pull-up bars

I'm gonna grab us some waters.

-Aye, aye, captain. -All right.

I hate pull-ups.

My god! Can I pet him?

-Sure. -Hi, corgi.

-This is nugget. -I love corgis.

I follow, like, 60 on instagram.

-Really? -You should get one.

Maybe someday.

Your dog is awesome. Thank you.

-Nice. Come on, buddy. -Bye.

Have a nice day.

I thought you were getting the waters.

Well, I didn't want to interrupt you guys, you know.

Interrupt what? I was just petting a dog.

Are you kidding? Is this like, a jealous joke?

Yeah. Gotcha.

I love you.

Yeah. I'm a little sweaty though, so...

Right.

You know, Nora?

We live together, right?

So, maybe you shouldn't be flirting

with all these other guys all the time.

-Got it? -Okay.

Well, that wasn't part of the game plan.

I'm not complaining.

Leaving so soon? I feel used.

Aren't we needy? I'm just going to the bathroom.

Well, then you won't need this.

Maybe I'm shy?

You weren't so shy five minutes ago.

Don't run into anything.

Excuse me, having an emergency?

Something like that.

Hello, to you, too. Miss me already?

I can't.

Okay, I can't. I can't.

I can't.

Okay, you broke the box, seriously.

Just go with it. It's a fantasy.

It's not mine. Stop.

Blair, stop!

Stop. Stop.

Stop, stop. Stop, stop, please stop.

12 new messages.

Hi, sweetie. It's mom.

Spain is amazing, maybe we'll stay.

So, how's the apartment hunt going?

Call us and let us know how you're doing, okay?

Enjoy the house. Don't get too comfy.

Baby, where are you?

Olivia, you got a fucking restraining order.

You bitch!

All your messages have been erased.

Yeah, hi. I need to report a break-in.

Jesus.

F... fuck!

What's wrong?

Your shit is literally everywhere, okay?

I can't even take a fucking piss without tripping over your stuff.

I was looking for something.

How many nail polishes do you actually need?

As many as I want. That's my stuff. Stop.

It's your stuff? Well, it's my house.

-Finally, you said it. -Yeah, yeah. I said it.

It's my house.

And you're just... You're just a fucking guest.

Hello? Are you okay?

Yeah, I can do that.

-Can we just continue this... -Yeah, later.

-Okay, okay. -I still need to piss.

Okay, I'll be right there.

-Just... -God.

I can feel it comin' around again

Creepin' around the bend

Thinkin' I was scot-free it was lookin' for me

Don't let nobody in

Go down like that again...

What the hell is going on?

He was here.

In this house.

In my parents' house.

Creepy. Good thing they're not here.

He didn't know that.

I came home,

and this was open to our wedding day,

he burned a cigarette in my face.

I'm gonna stay here with you tonight.

You don't have to do that...

No, things are really rough with Ryan and I right now.

Is it okay if I spend the night with you?

Like old times.

Yeah.

Coffee! Oop.

How'd you sleep?

Okay. You?

Amazing.

I'm pretty much just gonna hide your mom somewhere in your backyard,

and live in her pajamas forever.

Your dad won't notice.

I have 17 messages from Adam.

Only 17 today.

Yeah, but still nothing from Darcy.

She did go on that date with Mr. wonderful yesterday.

Maybe it's one of those dates that never ends.

True, but there's something off about it.

I don't know, I'm getting worried.

Don't. Worrying creates those frown lines,

and you do not want those.

My god, I'm gonna be late for work,

I have to get ready.

-Thank you so much for staying, I love you. -Love you.

Let me know if you hear from Darcy, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

Clearly, I will not be applying to be a barista.

Staff meeting's in five. Are you coming?

Your divorce papers came.

It would appear so.

Don't worry. Marriage is an antiquated institution, anyway.

Excuse me?

You're a person, not chattel.

You're not meant to be owned.

-How old is Adam? -35.

Way too old.

The world is full of gorgeous young men

who are very eager to please.

Really?

Look at you, you're gorgeous.

You deserve to be worshipped.

I don't know, I just...

Let me show you Javier, my cub.

He's 26.

When he rolls his "r's," you can't even believe it.

It sounds like he's purring.

Not that one,.

Not that one, either.

This is impossible.

Hey, you.

Shit.

-Are you ready? -I'm so sorry.

-You're kidding me. -I completely forgot.

I... I set this interview up for you like a month ago.

Okay, we've got like, 5 minutes.

I'm honestly not even close to being ready.

I don't have my resume, we don't even have paper to print it on.

Okay, so, so what am I supposed to tell them?

Okay, because this was a favor for me.

Tell them I came down with something.

With this much notice?

Food poisoning?

Did you just get your hair done?

-You noticed. -No, no, no. Don't.

Look, I put my ass on the line for you, all right?

With a client of mine, so that you could get an interview,

and you forget, because you're getting your hair done.

Hey.

Don't be angry.

I'm not angry, all right, I'm... I'm just...

I'm disappointed.

Do you have her spare key?

No, we drove all the way here, and I forgot her spare key.

Because that isn't totally something you would do?

Maybe she's dead.

Don't even say shit like that.

We haven't heard from her in two days.

Lighten up, warden.

We never go two days.

You're starting to sound like my mother.

Who would call the police

after not hearing from you in one day?

And see how tedious that gets?

One of these days

The love I gave you

Is gonna turn...

Spooky.

All of those good warm feelings?

Darce? Darcy?

I swear to god, if you jump out and scare me...

And you're gonna cry...

Darcy?

Darcy?

It's okay, it's just us.

Darcy, are you okay?

No, no, no. We're getting up and going to breakfast.

Go get in the shower.

Shower, now. You stink.

Rude!

And you're gonna cry?

Like a baby, baby

Cry

Like a newborn child...

I wish that I could tell you it isn't gonna hurt...

What do you think happened to her?

Nothing good.

And still

You're gonna cry

Like a baby, baby...

So they drive me to the waffle house,

where my ex's girlfriend is forced to wait on us.

That's usually good for a laugh.

What can I get you?

-Coffee. -You're not just having coffee.

Coffee, black, like my soul.

I didn't know we decided to be emo this morning.

We're both gonna have bacon and eggs,

over easy, with a side of toast.

And then for the toast, can you do wheat?

Yeah.

And slightly toasted,

so, not lightly, slightly.

And a side of butter.

What kind of butter do you have?

-Excuse me? -No, I mean, is it salted,

-or unsalted? -It's a diner.

-So, salted butter? -Sure.

-Okay, no butter, then. -Okay.

Can I have the big deluxe breakfast,

-with an extra side of bacon? -Got it.

And the bacon... could I have it like, a chewy,

-not super crispy? -Chewy, not super crispy.

She's definitely going to spit in our food this time.

We'd also like separate checks.

Of course you would.

Okay, what is going on?

I don't wanna talk about it.

You have to talk about it.

You spend two days in the same clothes,

I don't see how my personal hygiene choices

have any impact on you.

When you smell like you did,

you obviously have something going on.

So just tell us what it is, and maybe we can help you,

that's why we're here.

You know, I'm not gonna do this with you.

Jesus, Liv.

I come in peace.

You're here to interrogate me?

No, but, she's right, right?

Here we go.

Just say it super quick.

Like ripping off a band-aid.

Boom, done, go.

And, go!

I can't look at you.

This is harsh.

We did it.

Blair and I.

And this is a bad thing?

Then he forced me to do it again.

You're saying he raped you?

I guess in theory, that's the correct terminology.

Tell me what happened.

Everything was fine,

then I got up to go to the bathroom,

and I... I said no, and he did it anyway.

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry, I know I can be pushy sometimes...

-He raped her! -Please, share it with the world.

-I'm not the world. -Yeah, I know.

But can we please not phrase it like that?

Sorry, but how else do you want that phrased?

I don't know. Maybe I misunderstood.

Or maybe he misunderstood the meaning of the word, "no."

Yeah, just a second. We're leaving.

We could go to the cops.

Do I get to be a part of this decision?

Well, we should report this.

-Do you want to call, or should I? -Hello?

I'll do it. Okay, I'm sorry...

What do you think you're gonna tell them?

"Hi, officer, my friend was raped by the guy that she was seeing.

Proof? Wait, there isn't any,

because not only did she shower,

but she had sex with him prior.

And it happened two days ago."

It's a good one. You should go for it.

-Shit. -Yeah, case closed.

Conversation done. Commence moving on.

You should have told us that

before I threw you into the shower.

It wouldn't have made a difference,

would it have mattered anyway?

How do you prove that you were raped by a guy

that you've already had sex with?

Hello? No, it's just me and the girls.

My god, seriously?

They wouldn't have believed me.

It wouldn't have hurt to try.

It wouldn't have hurt you.

I know I push you sometimes, but,

it's just because I care about you,

and I want you to be protected.

I want him to know what it feels like,

to just like walk out into a world,

and like, not feel safe anywhere.

What'd I miss?

I want him to pay.

-Calling the cops. -No.

So, not calling the cops.

No, we know how useless they can be.

We're gonna do it ourselves.

Diy project.

What the fuck do you mean, "do it ourselves"?

I want to make him feel the way that I feel now.

What do you propose?

Let's just give him what he gave me.

And then he'll never forget.

Hey boyz, I got magic

You got talent

We can take over the world in a second

That's sweeter than honey

Come on, Sonny

We can make it if we try

Damn, boyz, we you gotta be moving fast

'Cause you're blocking traffic

And we're about to go on the mainstream radio

These days you gotta be moving fast

Sippin' up speed crazies

'Cause we are here about to

Lose control...

Leaving soon.

I hope you're not planning on going out like that.

I hope that's not you implying I should change.

Nope, not at all.

I just wasn't aware that was the type of attention

you were looking to attract when you go out.

-It's just a dress, Ryan. -If you say so.

If you think I look good,

you could try paying me a compliment

instead of suggesting I change.

You don't look good. You look cheap.

Fuck you.

You don't get to talk to me like that,

I'm just trying to have a life.

Okay, you know, you act really righteous

for someone who just lost their job over donuts.

You're a real activist.

Just remember who's footing the bill

for your so-called life.

When did you become such a small person

Blow the house down

From the front row

I got magic

You got talent...

We can take over the world in a second...

You drive.

By all means, honk. Alert the entire neighborhood.

Covert operation in progress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Let's ride. -Yeah.

Can you make it quick?

I don't want to be sitting in a parked car

in a dark alley like a drug dealer all night.

You got it.

? You're still here...?

Damn, look at you.

-Lookin' good. -Thank you, David.

You make me want to sing Stevie wonder songs.

Give me a twirl, give me a twirl.

Make me make my angry face.

Get in there.

You are a sweet, sweet, man.

"You are a sweet, sweet, man."

Well, he is.

Drooling all over you.

Just go find Blair.

Rushing through the trees

You're every breath that I breathe...

Available to you

Till now, it was never real...

I wish you'd die

Fuckin' wish you'd die

Die, die, die, motherfucker die...

It's all I think about

The dream that keeps me awake

It won't let me go it's everyday...

Hey.

My names jue. That's spelled j-u-e.

Not j-e-w.

What's your name?

That's really what you're gonna go with?

Hey!

? Revenge, it is so sweet?

? So I called you up, said, "hey babe, let's meet"?

? "I need a taste of your sweet meat"?

? When you got there I tied up your hands and your feet?

? And when you say "no"?

? I'll say "I don't think so..."?

Hey!

Do you mind?

I'm... I'm sorry.

? You have played right in my hands?

? Now I'm gonna make you understand...?

? And today ain't fading fast?

? But I know it won't last?

? Watch these walls fall away, away, away...?

-My god. -No.

I'm so horrifically sorry.

-God that... -Bitch.

Yeah, that and a medley of other colorful words.

Here, let me...

No, thanks, I... I got it. I got it.

I got it. Thanks.

God, I am terrible in crowds.

-Excuse me, what is... -She is about to tell him

that he is going to be a daddy, again.

I can't imagine you being terrible anywhere.

Aren't you suave?

How about I buy you a drink?

Why not? I'll have another beer.

You got it, babe. One beer.

-So, let's play a game. -I like games.

How about you guess how many months I've been single,

and if you're right, I'll chug my beer,

if you're wrong,

you have to take a shot for every month I've been single.

You've got a deal.

I think you're gonna regret that.

I hope so.

Carlos, could you line up some glasses?

Thanks.

You know, I could get used to being around you.

You're kinda special.

Well, save the charm. And take a guess, sir.

Three months.

Way wrong.

Three shots of Tequila, please.

Here's to spilt beer.

Keep walking when you lose hope...

Keep walking stand up...

Did it work? It didn't, did it?

He's not into her.

No, he's into her.

It's the greatest accidental first date I've seen.

Yeah. He's good with firsts... First dates, first kisses,

first rapes.

We're ready. Are you good to go?

Yeah. Coming now.

Somebody rebounds fast.

Special, my ass.

Keep walking, stand up re-load...

Keep walkin'...

So, what do you say? You wanna get out of here?

-We can get a ride to... -My place?

Yeah.

Let's go.

Make sure you get that one home safe.

Leaving so soon?

I know. Girls night has to continue elsewhere.

-All right. -Thank you.

Always a pleasure.

The plan was simple.

Dump him in the desert without his clothes,

so he had to hitch back to town naked.

It's official... My ass is going numb.

This is obviously the unglamorous part of this mission.

I went from bond girl to babysitter.

Do we have an e. T.A. On our mystery destination?

Yeah... soon.

Are you seriously eating nutty nutters right now?

Hoe-ing makes her hungry,

a mission of this magnitude,

requires snacks.

Okay, focus on the task at hand.

This culinary delight that I am currently consuming

is for the benefit of this group.

So I can be a fully functioning...

Okay, can't... Can't breathe, can't move.

Blair. Can't move.

This is officially not sexy, or funny.

I can't breathe.

If you can yell, you can definitely breathe.

Just help her.

You've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Sit him upright.

It's not like he's light.

-Use your softball arms. -Hey, Nora just shut up and do it.

Shit.

License and registration?

Thanks.

You know why I pulled you over?

You were swerving slightly.

Really?

-Have you been drinking? -No.

-You sure? -Positive.

Where you all coming from?

Barmaggedon.

But you weren't drinking at this bar?

I drove to pick up my drunk miscreant friends.

-This true? -Nutty nutters taste like peanut butters!

I can't.

One and done, they taste so fun.

How about that? It's better than crack.

I really can't... I'm allergic.

Bummer!

I might need to ask you to step out of the car.

-Are you kidding? -Nope.

My god.

Now, if you can please walk into a straight line

towards me.

-Really? -Yes, ma'am.

And, turn around and walk back.

Stand with your feet together.

Lift your right foot.

Feet back together.

Now, tilt your head back, close your eyes,

touch your nose with your right index finger.

Ma'am, that's not your index finger.

Okay, quite frankly, I'm feeling slightly harassed.

I attempt to keep some drunk citizens off the street,

and this is how I get repaid,

perhaps I should have just let them mow down a couple pedestrians.

Recite the alphabet backwards.

Okay, you wanna know? I can't do that.

And only a drunk person would even attempt that.

This does not qualify as flying under the radar.

At least she is actually sober.

What happened?

-We traded numbers. -Playa, playa.

My god.

Still got it.

-Okay, can you not? -Can you stop, please?

Do not wave!

Do not.

-Nora. -Yes, sir?

-Why won't the car start? -I don't know.

I don't know. You're the one driving.

How long has that light been on?

I think, like, a couple months.

You've had your "check engine" light on for a couple months?

How am I supposed to know it's a "check engine" light?

What?

It's not like anyone tells you

what any of those lights mean.

Okay, what now?

Abandon ship?

We are not leaving my car on the side of the road.

Sometimes it just needs a couple minutes to cool down.

-A couple? -Like, 20.

You're right... let's sit on the side of the road

with the rapist we kidnapped,

until he wakes up, or we find a tow?

Fine.

Let's just get him out and set him up here.

My god,

-give me first. -No, please continue to text.

-Okay. -Watch his penis.

-Or we get under. -Do you have him?

I'm under.

Okay.

This won't attract any attention.

We already got pulled over.

I think we're through the worst of it.

It's not the desert, but it'll do.

I think we're safe in the middle of nowhere.

You look marvelous.

-Wait... -Jesus, Nora,

it looks like a 500 pound computer programmer

lives in your trunk.

The last accent piece.

"I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. demille."

Lovely, he looks like he can hit

"the man hole" when we're finished.

I do what I can.

Guess I don't have to go to the gym for the next week.

Yeah, well, but you're not toning your arms.

What is it with you guys and the arm jokes and me?

-Come on. -I want an apology.

-He's bucking. -Hey,

what the fuck?

And he's out.

I thought I was the clumsy one.

Don't you dare answer that.

I don't want to. It's probably just Ryan.

Should we just, do it here?

It's not gonna get him on the sex offenders registry or anything.

I could settle for humiliation and dusty nuts.

That'll be the title of his autobiography.

"Dusty nuts."

I think he's out. We could pretty much do anything we want to him.

I say we brand him.

Do you happen to have a branding iron

in your trunk, as well?

I'm not above etching, "rapist" on his stomach.

No, let's stick to the plan.

I would rather not add assault and battery

to the list, with kidnapping.

Do you have the scissors?

What are you gonna do with them?

Cut his clothes off.

If we're gonna make him hitch back naked

in sunglasses and a feather boa,

he needs to be naked.

We're not going to physically undress him

I don't need to reminisce.

I'm just gonna cut his clothes off.

Well, I forgot them.

Okay, just sit him up, and I will take his clothes off.

-God. -What, what?

Just... Come here.

God. What now?

I don't think we're gonna have to worry

about humiliating him anymore.

God.

Okay, this can't be happening.

-Is he breathing? -Yeah.

Maybe through the giant hole in the center of his face.

So, he's dead? Like, dead, dead?

What other kind is there?

Dead is a pretty definitive word to use.

See, this is why I don't online date.

It's too much work.

God, can Ryan take a hint?

Psychotic, much?

Okay, we are standing over the dead body of your last date,

so you should probably not start with me.

So, we're not worried that he's a tad possessive?

He gets worried about me.

Yeah, I bet he's real concerned about your welfare.

You don't know how he is.

All the good stuff he does.

Right, we don't, so tell us.

He's been supporting me since I lost my job.

You lost your job?

Okay, we have more pressing issues than my love life,

and employment status.

I don't think he's going anywhere.

We are corpse adjacent. Dead jokes are not funny.

Okay, please, I would love for you to keep yelling

so the cops can find us again.

No! This can't be happening.

Nora? Are you cracking?

Is this you cracking?

If I did, would you kill me, too?

-No. -Okay, what is going on?

My shoes.

There's blood on my shoes, gross.

Then stop touching everything.

It is everywhere.

Okay... We're gonna be fine.

Everything is going to be okay.

I have to go.

I have to get my shoe cleaner.

Ridiculous.

Get his I.D.

I'm sorry I'm not fucking sorry.

I missed the flight

To neverland

But Peter you miss so much of me

I missed the flight

To neverland...

For the first time ever,

we were briefly speechless.

I didn't care that he was dead.

In fact, it seemed like the universe's way of serving justice.

I missed the flight

To neverland...

What about Blair?

We'll say it was a mafia hit.

No, like seriously.

He's random guy without ID in the middle of nowhere.

By the time the animals are done with him,

he'll only be recognizable through dental records.

Too bad we couldn't have taken Adam out at the same time.

-What? -No, it's just...

I feel like whenever we start talking about him,

is when he shows up.

Its like he has a radar for it,

and we definitely do not need him showing up tonight.

Amen to that.

Do you ever miss him?

How could I miss him? He's always lurking around.

-I'll go grab my stuff. -Okay.

I'll be really quick.

I need a shoe cleaner, stat!

Where are you at?

Eureka!

I have found it.

Please, please, please.

If there is a god.

-What are you doing? -Fuck!

I stained my shoes.

How'd you do that?

Some cow in leopard print spilled a vodka cran on them.

Hag.

-What? -You're so good at lying, it scares me.

What are you talking about?

I know where you were tonight.

I know what you did.

What I did?

What about what she did?

I mean, hit your mouth, sister.

Exhibit a.

Looks like you had a bloody good time, mate.

She should just give it up.

Blood doesn't come out of anything.

This one time,

Adam fell and cut himself in the kitchen,

I mean, it was after he punched me,

so part of me just wanted

to let him bleed out all over the place,

like a stuck pig.

But I didn't.

Anyway, in the process, he bled all over everything,

he even stained the kitchen counter.

I could never get it out.

God, that was the sweetest bedtime story.

Please, tell it again.

I have so many stories like that.

Why didn't you ever tell me?

It's not something you talk about.

Not even to your friends?

Especially not to your friends.

I think you're overreacting just a little.

I know I didn't answer my phone,

no, that's the thing... You did.

Now I'm confused. Have you been drinking?

-I heard the whole thing. -You heard what?

What are you even talking about?

Okay, you want to know what I... look.

You butt-answered.

Now do you want to talk about it?

I actually don't. I have to go,

and I have no idea what you're talking about.

Nora, what the hell?

You've really been drinking and you are paranoid.

No. Look, you're not going anywhere.

Like hell I'm not.

I think I'm gonna go check on her.

-Tell her to hurry up. -You're coming with me.

We're just gonna find her

psychotically scrubbing her shoes.

At the very least, we'll hurry her up.

If we can pry them out of her hands.

Someone needs to have a garage sale.

Yeah.

You're acting like a child.

Good, then you won't mind if I leave.

What... so, where are you gonna go, then?

Because being here is such a delight,

why wouldn't I want to stay?

-So, why have you stayed? -You're such an ass.

No, answer the fucking question!

Because I love you!

Wait, then, why are you leaving me?

Clearly, this is over.

Okay, but, if you just talk to me...

Okay, that's the point... I can't talk to you anymore.

So what, are you gonna leave with the girls? That's fucking rich.

You don't accept me. They do.

I'm still the same person. You're the one who's changed.

That's because the circumstances have changed, okay?

-No, you have to adapt. -No, actually, I don't.

-They don't need me to change. -Nora, listen to yourself.

You're being fucking ridiculous.

-I'm leaving. -No, no, you're not.

Okay, look, if you walk out,

I will ruin all of you.

F... God,

that's great. Yeah, welcome. Yeah.

Nora, we have to go.

Yeah, no you're not. No one's going anywhere.

Give her back her bag.

No, it's my bag. I paid for it.

-It was a gift. -Well, I'm taking it back, anyway.

Let go!

Over my dead body.

All right, then.

Ryan?

My god.

You know, I hope you're intending on replacing that.

Ryan, you have...

What the fuck?

No.

So, this is bad.

-What do we do? -Nothing.

His mother comes to clean tomorrow.

His mother cleans your house?

-What do you do? -Apparently, not enough.

My bag.

You drive.

It dawned on me...

Maybe we were better off without men in our lives.

I knew Nora would be happier without Ryan.

You okay up there?

-Do you think she's gonna be okay? -Probably.

You guys can stop talking about me like I'm not here.

You could start responding like you are here.

Jesus, spit it out, Nora!

Typical Ryan.

He never fucking listened.

I'm just bummed.

"Bummed" is really the word you're gonna go with?

I know it's stupid.

It's not stupid at all.

I just really loved those shoes.

Now I'm gonna be homeless and single,

and have bad footwear.

-What the fuck? -My parents are going to be so pissed.

Are you gonna call the cops?

And where am I gonna tell them I was while my place was being trashed?

I can think of an easy solution to that problem.

Easy being a relative term,

but it's probably more convenient than redecorating

every time your ex throws a hissy fit.

I'm listening.

If you think about it, he's really kind of a loose end.

Lurking about, and whatnot.

What the fuck is happening here?

We're gonna kill Adam.

She's kidding.

No, she wasn't.

Well...

We said we'd be all in in the beginning of the night,

so, I'm in.

Yes.

But seriously, can we please get food first?

Homicide makes me hungry.

Protecting Olivia just made sense.

I smell bacon.

I would literally stab someone

for pancakes right now.

Does tonight work for everybody?

God, everyone is just a little too overstimulated right now.

You'd think I would be the one

who would be the most excited about this.

I'm a passionate person. I'm committed to the cause.

I'll say.

Hello? Yes.

Something happened to Ryan?

Okay. I'll be right there.

Something happened to Ryan.

Shocker.

I just want bacon to go.

Okay, do you have your story straight?

Yeah. I was with you guys all night.

And doing what?

-Watching a movie. -What movie?

-What do you got? -"Clueless."

-Watching "clueless." -What else?

Jesus fucking Christ, we're watching, "clueless,"

eating stir fry and chocolate ice cream

and braiding each other's hair.

And laughing at guys on tinder all night.

-Better? -Much.

We can't have any holes in our story,

or loose ends.

Sad, sad. Be sad.

Wait... the shoes.

-Think about the shoes. -See you tonight.

Yeah we should probably share a car ride, nose goes.

Come on, not it!

I drove last time.

Are we seriously organizing a murder carpool right now

My god, if you cry over that cereal.

And payback is a bitch

Yeah...

Old man rum got you wise

Since falling the last time

Bat your cinnamon eyes

Slide to the far side

You'll only come close

Close enough to look

But I liked you better when you weren't so good

You look ripe to be picked

And forbidden to lick though

Like some apple outlawed

Unfit for the wrong god

Won't bring a thing but trouble to my room

But I like my trouble with

Va va voom

So come on in, darling

Don't you resist me

The more you dismiss me

The devil don't mind

And what would she say

If only she knew, love

How you stumbled my way...

My god!

How is it possible that you are late for literally everything?

I told you we should have carpooled.

What? I had to shower after my interrogation.

Wouldn't it have made more sense for you to shower after this?

Right. Make me the errand bitch

and then criticize me for everything.

Okay, let's do this. I still have my spare key.

We're going in the back door.

Let's cut to the chase

We both know this was only for you...

No, he's not supposed to be home,

I don't want the neighbors noticing the lights on.

All right, mood lighting it is.

I prefer the cover of darkness, anyways.

This is such a nice place.

I miss it.

-Why didn't you kick him out? -Too many memories.

And the grout in the kitchen is stained.

You're creeping

Going around like a creature of the night...

-Sleepy time. -Yes.

Hope my mama doesn't find out what I'm doing

At night with you

What the fuck?

Hello?

Liv...

This is so romantic.

Surprised?

-Come to apologize? -For what?

You were the one who trashed my parents house.

You served me with divorce papers.

So?

It hurt my feelings.

I'm not seeing the correlation.

Baby, you look tired.

Did you have too much to drink?

Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

Here.

I want you to know, that what's about to happen to you,

is all your fault.

"Dear Olivia..."

Words cannot begin to express the depths

of my sorrow..."

I didn't write that.

You know, it is so rude to interrupt.

Especially when I'm reading your last words.

If you're not gonna pay attention, then why bother?

No more reading before bedtime for you.

Bummer. Spoiler alert... It was kind of poetic.

Quite frankly, I think it makes you sound

more intelligent than you are.

-Why? -Because black widows eat their mates.

Since I know you like it rough, babe.

Is that a text message?

Yeah, the cop.

Is he asking you out?

Let's hope not for his sake.

"How about dinner tomorrow night?"

Here's to new beginnings.

My god, I have a great idea for my new job.

I could do crime scene clean-up.

You could pimp me out to your new boyfriend.

I... I'm not gonna be pimping you out to anyone.

I'm pretty sure you're better at creating the mess,

than you are at cleaning it up.

You can't get it in your mouth?

I'm careful when it counts.

But feeding doesn't qualify?

I blame you.

You're just so intimidating.

I'm eating with a man of the law.

-I understand. -We'll be having desserts

-in a moment. -Thank you.

You're welcome.

Look, I've been meaning to ask you a question.

Did you know the guy in the back of your car

the night I pulled you over?

-The guy in the back of the car... -Yeah.

Not really.

Nora always makes the strangest friends at the bar.

Doesn't Nora have a boyfriend?

She was in the station yesterday about him.

Will you excuse me? I just have to...

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jump into work,

-I just... -No, it's... it's fine.

I'll be right back.

-Excuse me. -Can I help you with something?

Is there any way that I could change my order?

Women can be so fickle.

Thank you.

Chivalry isn't dead.

-I hope not. -For you, miss. And for you, sir.

-Thank you, sir. -Please enjoy.

Would you like to try some of mine?

A man who's willing to share his dessert.

That is an admirable quality.

That tastes like heaven.

Would you like to get a drink after this?

See, you already want to spend

the rest of your life with me.

I don't know if I could handle the sarcasm for that long.

Now this... Is to die for.

You gonna let me try some of it?

You know, I don't know if I can even part with a bite of this.

It's very difficult for me.

Fine. Open wide.

I'm kinda nuts about you.

Nutty nutters, taste like peanut butters.

I really can't. I'm allergic.

I really was having a great time.

What a beautiful sister...

And we all lived happily ever after.

Bummer.

Nora finally got her dream job,

donuts included.

My god.

I have been crying

With blood in my hands

His eyes are now buried

Beneath all the sand

So now he can see

When I lie on the stand

Well that's what I do

To protect my friends...

There's my girl. What's so funny?

Olivia found love,

just not with a cub.

I love your friends.

And trap me with anger

And grief in this hole

I'm buried alive

And I've lost all control

But that's what I do to protect my friends

I've got time on my hands...

And me? I got some killer cheesecake.

With his blood on my hands

Cleaned up the mess now

And I've started to think

How do you smell so good

When the stench of you stinks

So I breathe and wonder

As I sleep on my dreads

But that's what I do to protect my friends

I've got time on my hands

I got time

With his blood on my hands

I got time on my hands

I've got time

With his blood on my hands

I have been crying

With blood in my hands

His eyes are now buried

Beneath all that sand

So now he can see

When I cry on the stand

Well that's what I did to protect my friends

I've got time on my hands

With his blood on my hands

Time on my hands

I got time

With his blood on my hands

I've got blood

I've got blood on my

Blood on my

I've got blood on my hands.