Original subtitles

One of the keys to the reverse cat eye

is you wanna draw the line as close as you can

to the bottom lashes and extend it out.

However, a trick being that you can use your pencil

and you can go in the waterline.

- Drag it out. - So smart.

It looks really good.

It looks gorgeous.

Aah! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [SHRIEKS]

[MAKEUP BLOGGER] ...just keep it the regular cat eye

The thing is that every guy expects a cat eye

so they're wondering why, "Why is this reverse?

What is happening?" They're gonna want to...

They won't ask because they're a man and they don't know.

But they could actually, like, say what they think or feel.

♪ ♪

[ESTHER] Benji, Benji, Benji!

Benji, Benji! Thank God you're here.

I didn't want to have to break in

and have your brother sue me again.

It wasn't a lawsuit. It was a cease and desist.

And you don't have to break in.

There's a hide-a-key rock.

I don't touch rocks. You know that.

Did you feel the earthquake?

- Earthquake? - Okay, look at this.

"Seismic activity in the Salton Sea"

indicates that a major earthquake

in Southern California... That's us, "Is significantly"

more likely in the next 24 hours."

I think that what I just felt was a pre-shock.

I'm from here. I've never heard of a pre-shock.

I think you're thinking of aftershock.

I don't think either of us knows what I'm thinking,

but it's all the KIIS FM radio DJs were talking about

and they don't just waste their time chatting about anything.

- Oh, my God. - I know.

You listen to FM radio?

Do you work in a toll booth?

Okay, I didn't want to have to tell you this,

but here's the real situation.

My boobs are hurting badly, and you know that means

something terrible's about to happen.

Just like right before when they announced

La La Land won best picture.

Your boobs are hurting 'cause

you're gonna have your period in two days.

Oh, right. Well, fingers crossed.

Look, this is how it works.

Everyone moves here thinking a big earthquake's

gonna get in the way of them being famous,

and then neither the earthquake or fame

ever happens to anybody.

Cool, I'll just take matters into my own hands.

- What are you doing? - Calling the zoo.

I have to see if they're observing

any odd animal behavior.

Hi, yes, I'm a taxpayer. I'm calling to see

if you guys have any eyes on the giraffes.

Oh, they're sleeping, are they?

Would you say that's suspicious behavior

that they're sleeping in the middle of the day?

Oh, you wouldn't?

Why do you want to talk to my parents?

♪ ♪

I just downloaded this earthquake app

that will give us a ten-second heads up

before the big one literally kills us all.

Oh, my God. We're on red alert.

Red, Benji. The color of blood.

Your science background's really spotty.

Did they teach you Creationism

in your Midwest high school?

Take a video of me, quick.

- Quick, quick, quick. - Don't make me do this.

We don't know how much time we have left.

Uh, cha-cha-cha. Other way, other way.

Sorry.

Hi, my name is Esther Povitsky

and this is my last willing testament.

Will and testament.

This is my last w-will.

This is my will. Whatever.

When I die, which I expect to happen

imminently in a massive earthquake

or much later in a different massive earthquake,

please bury me in the following.

The Juicy sweat suit Britney Spears wore

after her wedding,

replica Heart of the Ocean necklace,

and this rhinestone Von Dutch hat.

- Got that? - Yeah, I got it.

And my lip kits I leave

to the National Rheumatoid Arthritis Society

- because I'm selfless. - Isn't it hard for people

with arthritis to put on lipstick?

Okay, send it to my parents and CC It'sEstherBitch@gmail,

- please and thank you. - I love your white-trash box.

- This is great. - You're so lucky.

You have no idea how many people

would kill to see what's inside this box.

An Elvis-themed, banana-flavored peanut butter cup?

It's limited edition, okay?

Those are never coming back.

I'm saving it for the right time.

It says 2004. That right time passed.

Not the right time to eat them.

The right time to sell them.

These are an investment property.

I feel like you and Elvis have a lot in common

'cause you'll also die in a bathroom.

I like that.

This candle smells like Season 1 of American Idol.

Probably smells like a urinal cake.

Men are so gross.

And then there's this.

There you go. That's sensible.

It's filled with rare lip tattoos.

Okay, not sensible.

Why'd you bring all this garbage to my house?

Benji, there's something I haven't told you.

Is this the story about how you

diarrhead yourself at Coldstone?

That was a solid poop. It wasn't diarrhea.

When I was little, a tornado came

within 90 miles of my house.

I know. It's scary.

Isn't that really far?

Ever since then I decided

I would throw all my favorite things

in one box so that when disaster strikes

I'll be ready.

Well, when the apocalypse hits and you're trying to trade

your Britney merch for gasoline,

I've got us covered.

You have a Furby?

Come on, let me show you.

Suppli...

Supplies.

Oh, my God, you raccoon!

You ate all the food!

I didn't eat all of it.

The creatine was too powdery.

How do you go through 500 protein bars?

- What are you, a teen mom? - No.

How did you get through the padlock?

You use the same four-digit code for everything.

Sorry for being a friend who pays attention.

I think you need to go back to food therapy.

Okay, I see that you're upset, and I understand

because now that I think about it, I'm upset, too.

You should've been maintaining your inventory.

You have to keep an updated list.

You are so short-sighted.

If there's an actual crisis, I can't even trust you.

Everybody knows I'm extremely trustworthy.

Nobody thinks you're trustworthy.

The only person who doesn't is Sarah M., okay?

But that was in junior high

and she was kissing a teacher.

I had no choice but to Linda Tripp her.

- [ALIA] Benji! - Oh, my God.

My sister's here?

See, a successful fashion CEO

had the same emergency plan as me.

I have one habit of a highly-effective person.

Is there anything on my teeth or my eyebrows?

I mean, besides seventh-grader makeup, no.

- Okay, let's go. - [ALIA] Benji!

- Did you guys feel a pre-shock? - There's no such thing.

[ALIA] Hey, Benj.

Hanging out in the garage, not strange at all.

I mean, come on. Bill Gates, Tim Allen.

Tons of cool guys hang out in garages.

I'm just another cool guy in a garage.

[ESTHER] Alia, uh, your trip looked amazing.

It's so cool that you made it to Turks and Caicos.

I mean, I've dreamed of going to one,

but both, that's so cool.

Yeah, it was a whirlwind, Cheryl.

Actually, Cheryl's the name of the turtle I had in college,

- but great try. - It doesn't matter.

What's important is we're all here

and we're all safe, and we can all just, like,

share our secrets because the next stop is the grave.

So let's get to know each other better tonight.

Oh, we're not staying. We're going to the Malibu house

to celebrate Vivian's retirement.

I just turned 26. Kill me.

It's time, girl.

Age shaming is so hot right now.

Clara actually made us stop the car because she was

having a weird breathing fit while we were driving.

I have anxiety about the ground shaking so hard

that it opens up and swallows people whole.

I have that, too. I really do.

And I also have anxiety about, um, dry drowning.

Have you heard of it? It's really scary.

I saw an Oprah on it. It's so bad.

[CLARA] I'm so scared.

Everyone on Twitter is going crazy.

Well, everyone in this house is going rational,

so I'd stay here and enjoy the shelter

and safety, and there's no obligation

to be my apocalyptic bride, FYI.

[ESTHER] You can ignore him. He has a personality disorder.

Um, here's what I know. I called the zoo,

and all the squirrel monkeys are seeking higher ground

which is actually an interesting alert...

Wait, you called earlier

about giraffes, not monkeys.

I called again and spoke to a supervisor.

She had the real intel. Ask for Julie if you call.

- She'll hook it up. - I would not go to Malibu.

If there is an earthquake, everyone's gonna drown in a tsunami.

I highly recommend hanging out

and drowning in my protection.

[ALIA] Easy, Benj. We're gonna get out of here

once Clara calms down. Is Dean here?

Do you see any coked-out models anywhere?

- Is Dean here? - No, no.

- He's not here. - Perfect.

I wanna grab that bottle of his good tequila.

- Where is it? - Yeah, right.

I can't tell you where that tequila is.

This conversation alone is enough for a penalty.

- Benj. - It's super-good tequila.

It's really rare 'cause the cartel that made it

- all died in a shoot-out. - [CLARA] Please.

- No more spooky talk. - Okay, you need to go lie down

before you go all full Girl, Interrupted on us.

Viv, let's find this tequila and then get out of here.

- I wanna show up Dave Grohl. - Come here.

Dude, we need them to stay, okay?

If the big one hits do you think the rescuers

are gonna come save us if it's just you and me?

No, but if there's three fashion-forward

Instagram influencers, we're safe.

Okay, agreed. I like your plan.

- Good. - All right,

this is something you should know, though.

Clara's been liking my Instagram posts,

and I know you think I'm crazy,

but I really think she's about to follow back.

You're gonna ruin this with your sad, little elf moves.

Oh, God. Okay, just look.

Work with me, not at me.

I'm gonna assume the role of crisis entertainer...

Role I was born to play. You support me however possible.

Fine, but don't sabotage stuff with me and Clara.

And please don't screw me over

like you did with the emergency supplies.

I can't believe you're still mad about that.

Yeah, I'm mad about that. It happened two minutes ago, man.

Okay, well, I've forgiven myself and I've moved on.

I suggest you do the same.

What was... what was that?

I wanted to hit you, but I felt weird.

So, I know it sounds pretentious,

but I was just reading The New Yorker,

and they had this whole thing

about how fear can be an aphrodisiac,

and people make really bad choices...

Like when I stand on a really high balcony

and I think to myself, "I could've been a pilot."

Yeah, I think the article was about that, too, sure.

Anyway, do you have any Xanax?

I could really go for some Xanny tea.

- Xanny tea? - [ALIA] Benj,

give me the tequila.

Otherwise I'm gonna hire every girl

who's ever dumped you as one of my interns.

I mean, if you want interns that can't read,

that's on you, sister.

Oh, my God, what is she wearing?

Hey, guys, it's just me being regular.

JK, limited-edition lip tattoo.

Wh... are you wearing that as a joke?

Why? Is it funny?

Um, I bought it off a 12-year-old

I met on Snapchat.

[ALIA] It looks like you have herpes.

Well, it's a conversation starter.

Uh, uh, want one?

Oh, thanks, maybe next time

when we're headed to a K-pop music festival.

[LADIES LAUGHING]

- That's funny. - What are you doing?

You look like a circus animal cookie.

They're fashionistas. They're not...

rebellious 12-year-olds.

Are they not engaged? They're entertained.

So they won't leave.

They're laughing at you.

At me, with me. A laugh's a laugh.

There's no need to be Precious about it, okay?

Look, are people laughing at Louis C.K.

or are they laughing with him? Who's to say?

Look, people want to have a little bit of fun

in a scary time, and I'm like that standup

that went down with the Titanic.

There wasn't a standup on the Titanic.

You think the band went up cold? Look it up.

Esther, your mouth is giving me a headache.

Look, I'm an artist, and I'm performing,

and I need you to support me. You gonna?

- I always support you. - But on the lip tattoo?

Stop trying to make me your gay best friend.

- Please! - No!

I think my brain is feeling better.

Oh, good. Great, okay.

Your chakras are probably better, too.

- All right, let's go. - Hey, hey, hey.

Um, I got a pitch. I'll tell you

where the tequila is, but as insurance

I need you to tell me that I can move in with you

- when Dean kicks me out. - No.

If I wanted a weird creature

just wheezing all over my couch every day

I would get a French bulldog.

It's time for the show-stopper.

[ALIA] Let's go. Let's go.

Hey, guys, um, I figured since we're all gonna die tonight,

that maybe you guys could get to know me

a little better real quick?

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God. - This is so cute.

That smells like American Idol.

Is that a Tamagotchi?

I saw this on an episode of Hoarders.

- Tamagotchi. - It's actually Rugrats Gigapet.

Tamagotchi never did cross-promotion.

But actually if you guys just...

If you do take something out put it back in its package.

[ELECTRICITY WINDING DOWN]

- [GASPS] Oh, my God. - What happened?

- Was that an earthquake? - [CLARA HYPERVENTILATING]

Doesn't it for it to be earthquake the ground shake?

I can't even tell if it was an earthquake.

- There's no reception. - I don't know.

There's not really good service in the hills,

plus the blackout probably took out the signal booster.

All right, everybody. All right, um,

there's no way to really know what's going on out there

but my guess is yes, most of Los Angeles is probably on fire

and roving motorcycle gangs are forming as we speak.

- Please. - Oh, boy.

I am not leaving this house.

I have had too many bad experiences

with roving motorcycle gangs.

Absolutely, Clara, yes.

More reason for you guys

to just stay here with us.

Wait, where's Esther?

I'm here. I'm safe.

Hey, country mouse, let's get out of there.

- Okay. - Come on, there you go.

All right, that's a girl.

My whole life flashed before my eyes.

And you know what I learned?

I should've just had sex with my hot cousin.

I mean, nobody would've cared.

[BENJI] Okay, that's an interesting takeaway.

Listen up, there's no electricity

so the driveway gate is not gonna open

so we're all stuck here.

I suggest we just have some food

- and sort of settle our nerves. - Yes.

- Food is good. - Awesome, great.

So we're trapped here with no phone and no internet.

I mean, this is just like that Russian guy's yacht

- all over again. - Do you guys wanna

at least share hydration tips for fun?

- Uh... - Find that tequila.

Yeah. -Tear up the floorboards if you have to.

You guys, does that mean...

You think tequila... Is tequila hydrating?

So I'm sure most guys make you eggs,

but do most guys make you fluffy eggs?

That's what you should really

be asking yourself when you eat these.

How are pandas endangered?

I see bamboo, like, everywhere.

Your sister wants to try my spa water.

- I'm so excited. - Hey, super sorry,

- but fridge is off-limits. - No, it's not.

What are you talking about?

I've been brewing this for three weeks from a Pinterest.

Get out of my way.

Come on.

- Whoa! Get up. - [CLARA SHRIEKS]

[CLARA HYPERVENTILATING]

Wait, why are the lights on in the fridge

- if the power is out? - Okay,

I turned all the power off in the house.

- You did this? - Except for the kitchen

'cause my brother's truffles are in there

and it's truffle season. I'm not crazy.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanna be a part of cool plans.

We were supposed to be working together.

This was our plan to keep them here, remember?

- You sold the danger. - Really?

Yeah, you were selling it, honey.

Really, like how good?

Wait, but that's because I was really scared,

- and you betrayed me. - I didn't betray you.

You betrayed me. You ate all the emergency supplies.

That's because you never told me about them,

which is another betrayal.

Things are starting to add up for you

and it's not looking good, man.

Things are looking great. I look great.

[GASPING] Oh, gosh!

She's having a panic attack. Do something!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Make her stop!

- What are you doing? - I'm showing her.

these doll dresses to calm her down.

Okay, Clara, you can pick anything you see

- except for the pink one. - Look, the lights are working.

Yay, I'm like Prometheus.

You don't know that reference,

- but that's okay, yay! - Stop.

That's the worst idea ever.

That's epileptic.

Do you want the pink one?

If you do I'll give it to you

but you have to really want it.

- [BENJI] Come on. - It's not working.

We lost her, man.

We did everything we could.

Oh, wow, okay.

Benji living your best life.

Okay, is she still freaking out?

Hey, hey! Hi.

This is all in your head, okay?

Get it together, okay?

You're a strong and powerful woman

but if you don't snap out of it right now

I will drag you back to the Nordstrom Rack

that I pulled you from and leave you there

until plaid comes back in style.

- Got it? - Got it.

Okay.

- That was cool. - Yeah.

Super clutch.

All right, let's get back to making omelets and stuff.

- Yeah. - The lights are back on.

We're getting out of here, but first

where the hell is Dean's tequila?

It's in the garage behind the water skiing equipment.

It's all yours.

You're so inspiring, Alia. What's your secret?

You just have to know how to motivate people

- to do things for you. - How do you do that?

Find that tequila and I'll tell you.

- Okay. - I'll help you.

- We're out of here. - [BOTH] Wait, wait.

- Don't go. Wait, wait. - Come on, don't leave us.

[ESTHER] What about the earthquake?

You guys have each other.

I think if a big one hits

we should just head our separate ways, man.

We can't even trust each other.

I agree.

I think I'm gonna kayak to Catalina.

I went to summer camp there, so there's, like, buffalo,

and I know which leaves to eat and stuff.

I'll probably stick around here.

Start my Norma Desmond phase.

Guess this is probably goodbye.

We're just both pieces of garbage anyways.

We'll do better without each other.

Yeah, guess so.

[PHONE ALARM RINGING]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's the earthquake app.

- Relax, man. - We have ten seconds to live!

- Relax. - I'm going under!

No, no, no, no, no, just chill.

- Why? I'm scared! - This is... oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Don't go to Catalina.

I think you should know that I smelled your underwear once.

I think you should know that I watched you do it.

- I did it twice. - I know. I have it on film.

How do you have it on film?

I hid a camera in your room.

Where's the camera?

Some things go to the grave.

Goodbye.

You smell like zucchini.

[ESTHER] I know.

Oh, Dean.

What are you doing?

I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, I was upstairs watching

Million Dollar Listings marathon on my laptop.

I gotta find out where those dicks get their ties.

I'm really glad you're here.

Yeah, okay, cool. Not me.

I'm not glad at all.

What's with the... What are you guys...

What is this Eyes Wide Shut stuff going on here?

I had to turn off all the electricity,

but, uh, your truffles are cool, dude.

And you couldn't reset the breaker?

I mean, it's very easy. You know,

a little ambition wouldn't kill you.

I prefer the drama of candlelight.

Why are you dressed like an emancipated six-year-old?

- You think? - That's not a compliment.

Whatever.

I think I know what's going on.

You guys have sex?

[LAUGHS]

No, we're just talking.

- Yeah! - Come on, dude.

We were playing a game and talking.

- Sex? - We would never...

- My dick is so dry, all right? - Same.

Okay, let me just... Take it from me, okay,

just do it. Just get it over with, all right?

'Cause one of two things is gonna happen.

It's either gonna help you guys figure your stuff out,

or you're gonna ruin and completely destroy your friendship.

Honestly, it's a win-win situation.

And that's coming from me, and I know my stuff.

I prefer to be the only whiny brat in my sexual encounters.

Yeah, and I've heard her having sex before,

and it sounded like a dogsled race.

It was just barky and sloshy noises.

Oh, okay, man, all right.

Just get it done, dude.

And I wanna give you a tip, though, Benji.

Don't listen for a second.

If she's a biter, let her be the biter.

You don't be the biter. Don't bite back.

That's her thing, man. You're welcome.

♪ ♪

Look, I just want you to know...

I felt your boner on me when you hugged me.

- Boner? - Yeah, you definitely had

at least a half boner.

That was just residual boner from Clara.

It was old "residge" bone.

I know boners, and that was a fresh boner.

What are you, a boner expert?

- Yeah. - If I got half a boner

I would've knocked you into another zip code.

You know what kind of junk I'm packing down there?

- Yeah right. - What do you mean, yeah right?

I get fear boners. Don't you read The New Yorker?

- Yeah, I've read The New Yorker. - Fear is an aphrodisiac.

- It was a fear boner. - Okay.

I get fear boners. That's why every girl I hook up with

has DUI's. I like the risks.

So you're attracted to me

'cause you're scared of me?

Is it my credit score that turns you on?

Do you know how many tortilla chip crumbs

I would have to get through to get to your vagina?

You think... How would I even do that?

♪ ♪

Three point seven. That's what this is saying, 3.7.

I survived the big one.

Whoo! I'm famous!

I mean, I wouldn't call it a big one.

It's not even big enough to take out

a Malaysian sweatshop.

Dude, I said not to touch my tequila.

I said not to touch my tequila, and it's not there.

And you're the only person I told about it, okay?

So you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna apply a penalty this week.

Where's your Fred McGriff autographed baseball bat?

- I'm going to break it. - Nice, but you actually

already broke it for a different penalty.

Yes, I remember that. Okay, where's your PlayStation?

You broke that with the Fred McGriff baseball bat

before you... you broke them all for penalties.

Maybe you should take it out on his friend.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going to m-bate in your bed.

Do you know what that means?

I'm going to JO in your bed.

Please don't do that.

Like, in the bed or on the bed?

- Come on! - [SCOFFS] I have to go.

- Where are you going? - To read a book.

You're not. Are you gonna listen?

- Yeah. - That's illegal.

It's not illegal. It's in the Bill of Rights.

Dean, there's a hidden camera in there.

Sock it all up!