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Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece...

there was a golden age of powerful gods...

and extraordinary heroes.

And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes...

was the mighty Hercules.

But what is the measure of a true hero?

Ah, that is what our story is...

Will you listen to him?

Hes makin the story sound like some Greek tragedy.

Lighten up, dude.

Well take it from here, darling.

You go, girl.

We are the muses...

goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.

Heroes like Hercules.

Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules. "

Ooh, Id like to make some sweet music with him...

Our story actually begins...

long before Hercules...

many eons ago.

Ah

Back when the world was new

- Whoa! - The planet Earth was down on its luck

And everywhere gigantic brutes called Titans ran amok

It was a nasty place

There was a mess wherever ya stepped

Where chaos reigned and earthquakes and volcanoes never slept

Whoo! Say it, girlfriend!

And then along came Zeus

- He hurled his thunderbolt - He zapped

- Locked those suckers in a vault - Theyre trapped

And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks

And thats the gospel truth

The guy was too "Type A " to just relax

- And thats the worldss first dish - Yeah, baby.

Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth

Though, honey it may seem impossible

Thats the gospel truth

On Mount Olympus life was neat

And smooth as sweet vermouth

Although, honey it may seem impossible

Thats the gospel truth

- Ah, ah - Ah

- Ah, ah - Oh, yeah, yeah

- Ah, ah - Hey, hey, hey

- Ah, ah - Hey, yeah

Hercules!

Behave yourself.

Oh, look at this.

Look how cute he is.

Hah! Oh, hes strong...

like his dad, hmm?

Whoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through!

Excuse me. One side, Ares.

Why, Hermes, theyre lovely.

Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement.

Isnt that too nutty?

Fabulous party. You know, I havent seen this much love in a room...

since Narcissus discovered himself.

Dear, keep those away from the baby.

Oh, he wont hurt himself.

Let the kid have a little fun.

On behalf of my son, I want to thank you all...

for your wonderful gifts!

What about our gift, dear?

Well, lets see here. Welll take... Hmm, yes.

A little cirrus and, uh, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus...

and a dash of cumulus.

His name is Pegasus...

and hes all yours, son.

Mind his head.

Hes so tiny.

My boy.

My little Hercules.

How sentimental.

You know, I havent been this choked up...

since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!

Huh?

So is this an audience or a mosaic?

Hey, how you doin? Lookin good. Nice dress.

So, Hades, you finally made it.

How are things in the underworld?

Well, theyre just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy.

And, as always, hey, full of dead people.

What are you gonna do? Ah! Theres the little sunspot.

Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker.

Eh? Here you go. You just...

Sheesh!

Uh, powerful little tyke.

Come on, Hades. Dont be such a stiff. Join the celebration!

Hey. Love to, babe...

but unlike you gods lounging about up here...

I regrettably have a full-time gig...

that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus.

So, cant. Love to, but cantt.

You ought to slow down. Youll work yourself to death.

Hah! Work yourself to death!

Oh, I kill myself!

If only. If only.

If theres one god you dontt want to get steamed up, itsss Hades.

Cause he had an evil plan.

He ran the underworld

But thought the dead were dull and uncouth

He was as mean as he was ruthless

And thats the gospel truth

He had a plan to shake things up

And thats the gospel truth

Pain!

Coming, your most lugubriousness. Ow!

- Panic! - Oh, Im sorry. I can handle it!

- Pain! Oh! - And Panic!

Reporting for duty!

Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive.

Oh. Theyre here.

What? The Fates are here, and you didnt tell me?

We are worms! Worthless worms!

Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting.

Darling, hold that mortals thread of life...

good and tight.

Incoming!

Ladies. I am so sorry that Im...

- Late! - We knew you would be.

We know everything.

- Past. - Present.

And future.

Indoor plumbing. Its gonna be big.

Great, gr... Anyway, see, ladies, I was at this party and I lost track of...

- We know! - Yeah. I know you know.

So heres the deal. Zeus...

Mr High and Mighty, Mr "Hey, You, Get Off Of My Cloud,"... now he has...

- A bouncing baby brat. - We know!

I know you know! I know. I got it.

I got the concept. So let me just ask:

is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what?

- What do you think? - Oh, no you dont.

Were not supposed to reveal the future.

Oh, wait. Im sorry. Time out. Can I...

Can I ask you a question by the way? Are you...

Did you cut your hair or something? You look fabulous.

I mean, you look like a Fate worse than death.

Oh, gross!

Yech! Its blinkin!

Ladies, please. My fate...

is in your lovely hands.

- Oh. - Oh, all right.

In 18 years precisely...

the planets will align...

ever so nicely.

Ay, verse. Oy.

The time to act will be at hand.

Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.

Mm-hmm. Good, good.

Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall...

and you, Hades...

will rule all!

Yes! Hades rules!

- A word of caution to this tale. - Excuse me?

Should Hercules fight, you will fail.

What?

Okay, fine, fine. Im cool. Imm fine.

Pain? Panic? Got a little riddle for ya.

How do you kill a god?

I do not know!

You cant. Theyrre immortal?

Bingo! Theyre immortal!

So, first you got to turn the little sunspot...

mortal.

- Huh? - Wha... What is it?

The baby!

Hercules! Oh!

No!

Now we did it!

Zeus is gonna use us for target practice!

Just hang on to the kid, Panic!

Hurry! Lets just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?

Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula.

Look at that! Hes changing. Can we do it now?

No, no, no. He has to drink the whole potion.

- Every last drop! - Whos there?

Alcmene, over here.

Oh, you poor thing.

- Oh, dont cry. - Is anybody there?

- Now? - Now.

Oh. Well, he must have been abandoned.

Amphitryon, for so many years...

weve prayed to the gods to bless us with a child.

Perhaps theyve answered our prayers.

Perhaps they have.

"Hercules"?

Help, help, help!

Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened.

You mean, if he finds out.

Of course hes gonna f...

If. If is good.

It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search.

But by the time they found the baby, it was too late.

- Young Herc was mortal now - Mmm

But since he did not drink the last drop

He still retained his godlike strength

- So thank his lucky stars - Tell it, girl.

- But Zeus and Hera wept - Ooh, ooh, ooh

Because their son could never come home

They d have to watch their precious baby

Grow up from afar

Though Hades horrid plan

Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth

- Ahh - The boy grew stronger every day

And thats the gospel truth

The gospel truth

Hercules, slow down!

Look out!

Oops! S-S-Sorry, guys!

- Hey, watch where youre goin! - Sunday driver!

Thanks, son.

When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for.

- No problem, Pop. - Uh, dont-dontt-donttt unload just yet.

First, I have to finagle with Phideas.

Okay.

Oops. Sorry, Penelope.

Now, Hercules, this time, please just...

I know, I know.

Stay by the cart.

Thats my boy.

Oh, my goodness. Whoa!

Careful!

- Why, thank you. - No problem.

Why, Hercules! I-I-Its you!

- Let me, let me help you with that. - No, no, no, no, no. I got it!

Im fine. You just run along.

- Are you sure? - Oh, yes.

Absolutely.

Yo! Give it here!

Hey, you need an extra guy?

Uh, sorry, Herc.

Uh, we already got five...

and we want to keep it an even number.

- Hey, wait a second. Five isnt an ev... - See ya, Herc.

- What a geek! - Destructo Boy.

- Maybe we should call him "Jerkules. " - Yeah!

Heads up!

- I-I got it! - No! Stop!

Uh-oh. Oh, no.

Its okay.

Hey! Whoa!

- Son! - Hang on, Pop! Be right back!

Oh, my! Oh, no! Dont! Oh, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Watch out!

Nice catch,Jerkules.

Son.

This is the last straw, Amphitryon!

That boy is a menace!

Hes too dangerous to be around normal people!

He didnt mean any harm. Hess just a kid.

He-He just cant control his strength.

Im warning you. You keep that-that-that...

freak away from here!

Freak! Yeah, go away!

Son, you shouldnt let those things they said back there get to ya.

But, Pop, theyre right. I- I am a freak.

I- I try to fit in. I really do.

I just cant.

Sometimes I feel like...

like I really dont belong here...

like Im supposed to be someplace else.

Hercules, son...

I know it doesnt make any sense.

I have often dreamed

Of a far-off place

Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me

Where the crowds will cheer

When they see my face

And a voice keeps sayin this is where Imm meant to be

I will find my way

I can go the distance

Ill be there someday

If I can be strong

I know every mile

Will be worth my while

I would go most anywhere to feel like I

Belong

Hercules, theres something your mother and I...

have been meaning to, to tell ya.

But if you found me, then where did I come from?

Why was I left here?

This was around your neck when we found you.

Its the symbol of the gods.

This is it! Dont you see? Maybe they have the answers.

Ill go to the temple of Zeus and...

Ma, Pop...

youre the greatest parents anyone could have, but...

I- I gotta know.

I am on my way

I can go the distance

I dont care how far

Somehow, Ill be strong

I know every mile

Will be worth my while

I would go most anywhere

To find where I belong

Oh, mighty Zeus...

please, hear me and, and answer my prayer.

I need to know: Who am I?

Wh-Where do I belong?

Huh?

My boy. My little Hercules.

Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo!

Whats your hurry? After all these years...

is this the kind of hello you give your father?

F- F-Father?

Didnt know you had a famous father, did you?

Surprise!

Look how youve grown.

Why, youve got your motherss beautiful eyes...

and my strong chin.

- Hah! - I-I dont understand.

If youre my father, that would make me a...

A god.

A god. A god!

Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder...

youre old enough now to know the truth.

But why did you leave me on Earth? Didnt you want me?

Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts.

But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal...

and only gods can live on Mount Olympus.

And you cant do a thing?

I cant, Hercules, but you can.

R- Really? W-What? Ill do anything.

Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth...

your godhood will be restored.

A true hero. Great!

Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?

First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes.

Seek out Philoctetes. Right. Ill...

- Whoa! - Whoa! Hold your horses!

Which reminds me.

Ha-ha! You probably dont remember Pegasus...

but you two go way back, son.

Oh, Pegasus!

Hes a magnificent horse...

with the brain of a bird.

Ill find Philoctetes, become a true hero!

Thats the spirit!

I wont let you down, Father! Yee-hah!

Good luck, son.

I will beat the odds

I can go the distance

I will face the world

Fearless, proud and strong

I will please the gods

I can go the distance

Till I find my heros welcome

Right where I

Belong

Whoa!

Y- You sure this is the right place?

W- Whats the matter, little guy? You stuck?

- Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy! - Ugh!

Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back! Come back, come back!

Whoa, whoa! Oh, jeez!

Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, nymphs!

- They cant keep their hands off me. - Hey!

Whats the matter? You never seen a satyr before?

Uh, no. Can you help us?

Were looking for someone called Philoctetes.

- Call me Phil. - Phil!

- Ow! - Boy, am I glad to meet you!

Im Hercules, and this is Pegasus.

Animals. Disgusting.

I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.

Sorry, kid. Cant help ya.

- Wait. - Whoo!

Uh, sorry. Why not?

Two words: I am retired.

Look, I gotta do this.

Havent you ever had a dream...

something you wanted so bad youd do anything?

Kid, come inside. I want to show you somethin.

Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo.

- The Argo? - Yeah.

Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra?

I trained all those would-be heroes.

Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus. "

And every single one of those bums let me down...

flatter than a discus.

None of em could go the distance.

And then there was Achilles.

Now there was a guy who had it all...

the build, the foot speed.

He could jab. He could take a hit.

He could keep on comin.

But that furshlugginer heel of his!

He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom! Hes history.

Yeah, I had a dream once.

I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was.

So great, the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars...

all across the sky...

and people would say, "Thats Philss boy. "

Thats right.

Eh, but dreams are for rookies.

A guy can only take so much disappointment.

But Im different than those other guys, Phil.

I can go the distance. Come on. Ill show ya.

Jeez. You dont give up, do ya?

Watch this.

Holy Hera.

You know, maybe if I... No! Snap out of it!

Im too old to get mixed up in this stuff again.

But if I dont become a true hero...

Ill never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.

Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?

Uh-huh.

Zeus, the big guy. Hes your daddy.

Mr Lightning Bolts! Read me a book, would ya, Da-Da?

Zeus! "Once upon a time... "

- Its the truth! - Please!

So you wanna be a hero, kid

Well, whoop-de-do

I have been around the block before

With blockheads just like you

Each and every one a disappointment

Pain for which there aint no ointment

So much for excuses Though a kid of Zeus is

Askinme to jump into the fray

My answer is two words

Okay.

You mean youll do it?

- You win. - You wont be sorry, Phil.

- Oh, gods. - So when do we start? Can we start now?

Oy, vay.

I d given up hope that someone would come

Along

A fella who d ring the bell for once

Not the gong

The kind who wins trophies

Wont settle for low fees

At least semipro fees

But, no I get the greenhorn

Ive been out to pasture, pal My ambition gone

Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn

But you need an advisor

A satyr, but wiser

A good merchandiser and... whoa

There goes my ulcer Im down to one last hope, and I hope

Its you

Though, kid, youre not exactly a dream come true

I trained enough turkeys

- Who never came through - Whoa!

Youre my one last hope so youlll have to do

Rule number six: when rescuing a damsel...

always handle with care.

No!

Rule number 95, kid: concentrate!

Rule number 96:

aim!

Demigods have faced the odds

And ended up a mockery

Dont believe the stories

That you read on all the crockery

To be a true hero, kid is a dyinart

Like paintina masterpiece

Its a work of heart

It takes more than sinew

Comes down to whats in you

You have to continue to grow

Now thats more like it!

Im down to one last shot

And my last high note

Before that blasted underworld gets my goat

My dreams are on you, kid

Go make em come true

Climb that uphill slope

Keep pushin that envelope

Youre my one last hope

And, kid, its up to

You

Yeah!

Did you see that?

Next stop, Olympus.

All right. Just take it easy, champ.

I am ready. I want to get off this island.

I want to see battles and monsters.

Rescue some damsels.

You know, heroic stuff.

- Well. - Aw, come on, Phil!

Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid.

- Were goin to Thebes! - Ya-hoo!

- So whats in Thebes? - A lot of problems.

Its a big, tough town. Good place to start buildin a rep.

Sounds like your basic DID...

- Hyah! - Damsel in distress!

Not so fast, sweetheart.

I swear, Nessus. Put me down or Ill...

Whoo! I like em fiery!

Now remember, kid. First, analyse the situation.

Dont just barrel in there without thinking. Eh?

Hes losin points for this!

- You dont know what yourre... - Halt!

Step aside, two legs.

Pardon me, my good, uh, uh, sir.

Ill have to ask you to release that young...

- Keep movin, junior. - lady.

But you... Are-Arent you a damsel in distress?

Im a damsel. Imm in distress.

I can handle this. Have a nice day.

Uh...

Maam, Imm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize...

Ohhh! What are you doin? Get your sword!

Sword. Right, right. Rule number 15: a hero is only as good as his weapon!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it! Hold on! Hes gotta do it on his own.

Come on, kid! Concentrate!

Use your head!

Oh.

All right! Not bad, kid!

Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad.

Oh, gee, miss. Im, Imm really sorry.

- Oh. - That was dumb.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Nice work! Excelente.

Is Wonderboy here for real?

What are you talkin about? Of course hess real. Whoa!

And by the way, sweet cheeks. Im real too.

Ugh!

Yee-hah! Ya-hoo!

Whoa!

- How was that, Phil? - Reign it in, rookie.

You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons...

but this is the big leagues!

At least I beat him, didnt I?

Next time, dont let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes!

D- oh! Its like I keep tellin ya.

You gotta stay focused, and you...

Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh...

Megara. My friends call me Meg.

At least they would if I had any friends.

So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?

Uh, uh, uh, Im, um, uh...

- Uh, uh... - Are you always this articulate?

Hercules. My... My name is Hercules.

Herc... Huh. I think I prefer Wonderboy.

So, uh, uh... How-how-howd you get mixed up with the, uh...

Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are.

They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me. Im yours. "

Dont worry. Shorty here can explain it to ya later.

Well, thanks for everything, Herc.

Its been a real slice.

Wait! Um, can we give you a ride?

Uh, I dont think your pinto likes me very much.

Pegasus? Oh, no. Dont be silly.

Hed be more than happy to... Ow!

Ill be all right. Imm a big tough girl.

I tie my own sandals and everything.

Bye-bye, Wonderboy.

Bye.

Shes somethin.. Isnttt she, Phil?

Yeah, ye... Oh, yeah. Shes really somethin..

A real pain in the patella! Earth to Herc!

Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc!

We got a job to do, remember?

Thebes is still waitin.

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

Aw, how cute.

A couple of rodents lookin for a theme park.

Who you callin a rodent, sister?

- Im a bunny! - A-And Imm his gopher!

Ta-dah!

I thought I smelled a rat.

- Meg. - Speak of the devil.

Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut. Meg.

What exactly happened here?

I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team...

for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less.

I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.

Fine. So instead of subtracting two years from your sentence...

hey, Im gonna add two on, okay?

- Give that your best shot. - Look. It wasnt my fault.

It was this wonderboy, Hercules.

Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell?

I dont know. Um, maybe we owe him money?

- What was that name again? - Hercules.

He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine...

but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.

Wait a minute. Wasnt Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...

Oh, my gods! Run for it!

So you took care of him, huh?

Dead as a doornail.

Werent those your exact words?

This might be a different Hercules.

Yeah! I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays!

Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason...

and the girls were all named Brittany?

Im about to rearrange the cosmos...

and the one schlemiel who can louse it up...

is waltzing around in the woods!

Wait. Wait, big guy.

- We can still cut in on his waltzing. - Thats right.

And-And at least we made him mortal. Thats a good thing.

Didnt we?

Hmm. Fortunately for the three of you...

we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight.

And this time, no foul-ups.

Wow!

- Is that all one town? - One town, a million troubles.

The one and only Thebes.

The Big Olive itself.

If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Stick with me, kid. The city is a dangerous place.

- Look where youre goin... numbskull! - Hey, Immm walkin here!

See what I mean? Im tellin you. Wackos.

Pita bread. Pita bread. Get your pita bread here.

- Hey, Mack. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You wanna buy a sundial?

Hes not interested, all right? Come on, kid.

The end is coming! Cant you feel it?

Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes.

Well ponder that for awhile. Just stare at the sidewalk.

Come on. Dont make eye contact.

People here are nuts. Thats because they live in a city of turmoil.

Trust me, kid. Youre gonna be just what the doctor ordered.

It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire.

Everything except old Snowball here.

Now were the fires before or after the earthquake?

They were after the earthquake. I remember.

But before the flood.

Dont even get me started on the crime rate.

Thebes has certainly gone downhill in a hurry.

Tell me about it.

It seems like every time I turn around...

theres some new monster wreakin havoc and I...

All we need now is a plague of locusts.

Thats it! Imm movin to Sparta!

Excuse me.

It, uh...

seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.

Yeah, and who are you?

Im Hercules, and, uh...

I happen to be a hero.

- Is that so? - A hero!

Have you ever saved a town before?

Uh, no. Uh, not exactly, but I...

Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?

Well, uh, no.

Oh, listen to thi... Hes just another chariot chaser. This we need.

Thats a laugh.

- Dont you pea brains get it? - Hmm?

This kid is the genuine article.

Hey, isnt that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

Watch it, pal.

Yeah, youre right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels!

Ya missed a spot!

You... I got your heel right here!

Ill wipe that stupid grin off your face! You...

Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil!

What are you, crazy? Sheesh.

Young man, we need a professional hero...

not an amateur.

Well, wait. Stop!

How am I supposed to prove myself a hero...

if nobody will give me a chance?

Youll get your chance.

You just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster.

Please. Help! Please! Theres been a terrible accident!

- Meg? - Speakin of disasters.

Wonderboy! Hercules!

- Thank goodness. - Wha-Wha-Whats wrong?

Oh! Outside of town.

Two little boys. Th-They were playing in the gorge.

Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide.

- Theyre trapped! - Kids? Trapped?

Phil, this is great!

Youre really choked up about this, arentt ya?

- Come on! - No, I... You dont under...

I, I have this terrible fear of heights!

Im right behind ya, kid! Whoo!

Im way behind ya, kid.

I got a fur wedgie.

- Are you okay? - Ill be fine.

Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.

Help! I cant breathe!

- Hurry! - Get us out!

Were suffocating!

Somebody call IX-I-I!

Easy, fellas. Youll be all right.

We cant last much longer!

Get us out before we get crushed!

- How you boys doin? - Werre okay now.

Jeepers, mister. Youre really strong.

Well, just try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids?

We sure will.

Stirring performance, boys.

I was really moved.

"Jeepers, mister"?

I was going for innocence.

And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady.

What a dish. What a doll.

Get outta there, ya big lug, while ya still can.

Phil, I-I did great.

They even applauded. Sort of.

Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid...

but that aint applause.

Ph-Ph-Ph-Phil? What do you call that thing?

Two words:

am-scray!

Lets get ready to rumble!

Thats it. Dance around! Dance around!

Watch the teeth! Watch the teeth! Keep going. Come on. Come on.

Lead with your left. Lead with your left. Your other left!

Whoa!

All right! All right! Youre bad! Okay!

See, Phil? That... That wasnt so hard.

Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?

- Six? - Eh, close enough.

Lets get you cleaned up.

Guys, guys, relax. Its only halftime.

That doesnt sound good.

Definitely not good!

Will you forget the head-slicing thing?

Phil, I dont think we covered this one in basic training!

My favourite part of the game:

sudden death.

Oh. There goes another one.

Just like Achilles.

Game...

set, match.

Hmm?

Phil, you gotta admit.

That was pretty heroic.

Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! Ya won by a landslide!

Hades mad.

Well, what do you know?

From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong.

He was so hot, steam looked cool.

Oh, yeah

Bless my soul Herc was on a roll

Person of the week in every Greek opinion poll

- What a pro - Herc could stop a show

Point him at a monster and youre talkin SRO

- He was a no one - A zero, zero

- Now hes a honcho - Hess a hero

Here was a kid with his act down pat

Zero to hero in no time flat

- Zero to hero - Just like that

When he smiled the girls went wild

With oohs and aahs

And they slapped his face on every vase

On every "vahse"

From appearance fees and royalties

Our Herc had cash to burn

Now nouveau riche and famous

He could tell you whats a Grecian urn

Say amen There he goes again

- Sweet and undefeated - And an awesome ten for ten

Folks lined up just to watch him flex

And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs

Hercie, he comes He sees, he conquers

Honey, the crowds were goin bonkers

- He showed the moxie brains and spunk - Yeah

- From zero to hero - A major hunk

- Zero to hero - And who d have thunk

Who put the glad in gladiator

Hercules

Whose darin deeds are great theatre

Hercules

- Isnt he bold - No one braver

- Is he sweet - Our favourite flavour

- Hercules - My man.

- Hercules - Hercules

- Hercules - Ooh

- Hercules - Look at my Hercules

- Hercules, Hercules - Yeah, yeah, yeah

Bless my soul Herc was on a roll

- Undefeated - Riding high

- And the nicest guy. - Not conceited

- He was a nothing - A zero, zero

- Now hes a honcho - Hess our hero

He hit the heights at breakneck speed

From zero to hero

Herc is a hero

Now hes a hero

Yes, indeed

Pull!

Nice shootin, Rex.

I cant believe this guy. I throw everything Ivve got at him...

and it doesnt even...

What are those?

Um, I dont know. I- I thought they looked kinda dashing.

Ive got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo...

or the entire scheme Ive been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke...

and you are wearing his merchandise?

Thirsty?

Looks like your games over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him.

Oh, yeah.

I wonder if maybe I havent been throwing...

the right curves at him, Meg, my sweet.

Dont even go there.

See, hes gotta have a weakness...

because everybodys got a weakness.

I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing.

For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse, okay?

We simply need to find out Wonderboys.

Ive done my part. Get your little imps...

They couldnt handle him as a baby.

I need somebody who can handle him as a man.

Hey, Ive sworn off manhandling.

Well, you know, thats good because thatss what got you...

into this jam in the first place, isnt it?

You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriends life.

And how does this creep thank you?

By running off with some babe.

He hurt you real bad, didnt he, Meg? Huh?

Look, I learned my lesson, okay?

Which is exactly why I got a feelin...

youre gonna leap at my new offer.

You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath...

and I give you the thing that you crave most...

in the entire cosmos:

your freedom.

You should have been there, Father.

I mangled the Minotaur...

grappled with the Gorgon.

Just like Phil told me. I analysed the situation...

controlled my strength and kicked.

The crowds went wild!

- Thank you. Thank you. - Hah!

Youre doing great, son. Yourre doing your old man proud.

Im glad to hear you say that, Father.

Ive been waiting for this day a long time.

Hmm. What day is that, son?

The day I rejoin the gods.

Youve done wonderfully. You really have, my boy.

Youre just not there yet.

You havent proven yourself a true hero.

But, Father, Ive beaten every single monster Ivve come up against.

I- Im-Imm the most famous person in all of Greece.

Im-I-Imm an action figure!

Im afraid being famous isntt the same...

as being a true hero.

What more can I do?

Its something you have to discover for yourself.

- But how can I... - Look inside your heart.

Father, wait!

On your left is Hercules villa.

Our next stop is the Pecs and Flex Gift Shop...

where you can pick up the great heros 30-minute workout scroll...

"Buns of Bronze. "

At 1:00, you got a meeting with King Augeas.

Hes got a problem with his stables.

Id advise you not to wear your new sandals.

- Phil. - I told you, dont move!

DGR, the Daughters of the Greek Revolution.

- At 3:00, you gotta get a girdle from some Amazons. - Phil.

Phil, whats the point?

Thats it!

Keep your toga on, pal.

Yuck! What do you mean, "Whats the point?"

You wanna go to Olympus, dont ya?

Yeah, but this stuff doesnt seem to be getting me anywhere.

You cant give up now. Imm countin on ya.

I gave this everything I had.

Listen to me, kid. I seen em all.

And I am tellin you... and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth...

you got somethin I never seen before.

- Really? - I can feel it...

right down in these stubby bowlegs of mine.

There is nothin you cantt do, kid.

- Its him! - Hey, watch it!

- Watch it! Watch... - I touched his elbow!

- Hey, girls! - I got his sweatband!

Phil, help!

- Okay. Escape plan: beta. - Gotcha.

- Hey! Where is he? - There he goes! On the veranda!

Whoa!

Lets see. What could be behind curtain number one?

Meg!

Its all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.

Gee, i-i-its great to see you.

I- I-I missed you.

So this is what heroes do on their days off.

Nah. Im no hero.

Sure ya are. Everybody in Greece...

thinks youre the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita.

I know, its... itss crazy. You know, I canttt go anywhere without being mobbed.

- I mean... - You sound like you could use a break.

Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hookey this afternoon?

Oh, gee, I-I dont know. Uh, Philss got the rest of the day pretty much booked.

Ah, Phil, schmill.

Just follow me out the window, round the dumbbells.

You lift up the back wall and were gone.

Wow. What a day.

First that restaurant by the bay.

And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing.

Man! I thought I had problems.

- Psst! Stop foolin around. - Yeah. Get the goods, sister.

I didnt know that playing hookey could be so much fun.

Yeah, neither did I.

- Thanks, Meg. - Oh.

Dont thank me just yet.

- Oh! - Oop. Careful.

Sorry. Weak ankles.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you better sit down for a while.

So, uh, do you have any problems...

with things like this?

- Uh... - Weak ankles, I mean.

Oh, uh, no, not really.

No weaknesses whatsoever?

- No trick knee? - Uh...

Ruptured disks?

No. Im, Imm, Immm afraid Immmm, uh, fit as a fiddle.

- Wonderboy, you are perfect. - Thanks.

Whoops!

It looks better that way.

No, it really does.

You know, when, when I was a kid...

I, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.

You wanted to be petty and dishonest?

- Everybodys not like that. - Yes, they are.

- Youre not like that. - How do you know what Imm like?

All I know is...

youre the most amazing person with weak ankles Ivve ever met.

Oh!

Meg, when Im with you...

I- I dont feel so alone.

Sometimes its better to be alone.

- What do you mean? - Nobody can hurt you.

Meg? I would never ever hurt you.

And I dont wanna hurt you, so...

lets both do ourselves a favour and...

stop this before we...

All right! Break it up! Break it up! Partys over!

- Ive been lookin all over this town! - Calm down, mutton man.

- It was all my fault. - Youre already on my list, sister!

So dont make it worse!

And as for you, ya bum, youre gonna go to the stadium...

and youre gonna be put through the workout of your life!

- Now get on the horse. - Okay, okay.

- Im sorry. - Ah, helll get over it.

Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Move!

Hey, watch it. Watch it. Watch it.

Keep your goo-goo eyes on the...

Thats it. Next time, I drive.

Oh, whats the matter with me?

Youd think a girl would learn.

If theres a prize for rotten judgment

I guess Ive already won that

No man is worth the aggravation

Thats ancient history Been there, done that

Who do ya think youre kidding Hess the earth and heaven to ya

Try to keep it hidden Honey, we can see right through ya

- Oh, no - Girl, you cant conceal it

We know how you feel and who youre thinkinoof

Oh, no chance, no way I wont say it, no, no

You swoon, you sigh Why deny it, uh-oh

Its too cliche I wontt say Immm in love

Shoo-doo, shoo-doo Oo-oo-oo

I thought my heart had learned its lesson

It feels so good when you start out

- Ah - My head is screaming, get a grip, girl

Unless youre dyin to cry your heart out, oh

You keep on denyin who you are and how yourre feelin

Baby, were not buyin Hon, we saw you hit the ceilin

Face it like a grownup When you gonna own up that you

- Got - Got - Got it bad

Oh, no chance, no way I wont say it, no, no

- Give up, but give in - Check the grin, youre in love

This scene wont play I wontt say Immm in love

Youre doin flips, read our lips Yourrre in love

- Shoo-doo, shoo-doo - Youre way off base

- I wont say it - She wontt say love

Get off my case I wont say it

Girl, dont be proud Itss okay, yourrre in love

Oh

At least out loud

I wont say Imm in

- Love - Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo

Shoo-doo Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la

Ha

Hey, whats the buzz, huh, Meg?

What is the weak link in Wonderboys chain?

- Get yourself another girl. Im through. - Imm sorry. You mind runnin that by me again?

I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something.

Then read my lips! Forget it.

Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion.

Arent we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?

I own you!

- Oh, oh, I got another horn here. - You work for me.

That kids gonna be doin laps for a month.

If I say, "Sing," you say, "Hey, name that tune. "

If I say, "I want Wonderboys head on a platter," you say...

Medium or well done?

Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kids heart.

- Ill work on that. - Imm sorry. You hear that sound?

Thats the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever.

I dont care. Imm not gonna help you hurt him.

I cant believe yourre getting so worked up about some guy.

This one is different. Hes honest and, and hess sweet.

- Please! - He would never do anything to hurt me.

- Hes a guy. - Besides, O Oneness, you cantt beat him.

He has no weaknesses. Hes gonna...

I think he does, Meg.

I truly think he does.

- Hey, Phil, what happened to you? - Kid, we gotta talk.

Oh, Phil, I just had the greatest day of my life.

I, I, I cant stop thinkin about Meg.

- Shes somethin else. - Kid! Immm tryin to talk to you!

Will you come down here and listen?

Aw, how can I come down there when Im feelin so up?

Gotcha!

Ah, very nice. What Im tryin to say is...

That if it wasnt for you, I never would have met her.

Oh, I owe you big time, little guy. I do.

Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds?

Rule number 38. Come on, Phil. Keep them up there, huh?

- Phil, I got two words for ya: duck! - Listen to me. Shes...

- My dream come true? - Not exactly.

- More beautiful than Aphrodite? - Aside from that!

- The most wonderful... - Shes a... Shess a fraud!

Shes been playin ya for a sap!

- Aw, come on. Stop kiddin around. - Imm not kiddin around.

- She... - I know youre upset about today, but thatss no reason to...

- Kid, youre missin the point. - The point is, I love her.

- She dont love you. - Yourre crazy.

- She nothin but a two-timin... - Stop it!

- No-good, lyin, schemin... - Shut up!

Phil. I... Oh, Im, Imm sorry.

Okay, okay, thats it. You wontt face the truth? Fine.

Phil, wait. Where ya goin?

Im hoppin the first barge outta here. Immm goin home.

Fine! G...

Go! I dont... I dontt need you.

I thought you were gonna be the all-time champ...

not the all-time chump.

Jeez Louise, what got his goat, huh?

Baboom. Name is Hades, lord of the dead.

- Hi. How ya doin? - Uh, not now, okay?

Hey, hey. I only need a few seconds, and Im a fast talker, all right?

See, Ive got this major deal in the works. A real estate venture, if you will.

And, Herc, you little devil you. May I call you Herc?

You seem to be constantly getting in the way of it, huh?

- Youve got the wrong guy. - Hear me out, ya little...

Just hear me out, okay?

So I would be eternally grateful if you would just...

take a day off from this hero business of yours.

Jeez, I mean, monsters, natural disasters.

- You wait a day, huh? - Youre out of your mind.

Not so fast, because, ya see, I do have a little leverage you might wanna know about.

- Meg! - Dont listen, Herc...

- Let her go! - Heres the trade-off.

You give up your strength for about 24 hours, okay?

Say, the next 24 hours.

And Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm.

We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy.

What do ya say? Come on.

People are... are gonna get hurt, arent they?

Nah! I mean, its, you know, itss a possibility.

It happens cause, you know, itss war, but what can I tell ya?

Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?

Isnt Meg... you little smoochy face you... Isntt she more important than they are?

- Stop it! - Isnt she?

Youve gotta swear shelll be safe from any harm.

Fine, okay. Ill give you that one.

Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back.

Yadda, yadda. Fine print. Boilerplate. Baboom. Okay? Were done.

What do you say we shake on it?

Hey, I really dont have, like, time to bat this around.

Im kind of on a schedule here. I got plans for August. Okay?

I need an answer, like, now. Going once, going twice...

- All right! - Yes! Were there! Bam!

You may feel just a little queasy. Its kind of natural.

Maybe you should sit down!

Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else.

Isnt it just peachy?

Oh! Youll love this. One more thing.

Meg, babe, a deals a deal.

Youre off the hook. And by the way, Herc,

is she not, like, a fabulous little actress?

- Stop it. - What do you mean?

I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time.

- Duh. - Youre... Yourre lying!

- Help! - Jeepers, mister, youre really strong.

- Couldnt have done it without you, sugar, sweetheart, babe. - No! Itss... Itsss not like that.

I didnt mean to... I- I couldntt... I... Immm so sorry.

Our heros a zero! Our heross a zero!

Well, gotta blaze. Theres a whole cosmos up there waiting for me...

with, hey, my name on it.

So much for the preliminaries, and now on to the main event!

Brothers! Titans!

Look at you in your squalid prison!

- Who put you down there? - Zeus!

And now that I set you free...

what is the first thing you are going to do?

- Destroy him! - Good answer.

Crush Zeus!

Freeze him!

Melt Zeus!

Blow him away!

Zeus!

- Uh, guys? - Huh?

Olympus would be that way.

- Zeus! - Freeze him!

- Hold it, bright eye. - Huh?

I have a special job for you, my optic friend.

- Huh? Huh? - Destroy Zeus!

Oh, were in trouble! Oh, big trouble! I gotta...

My lord and lady, the Titans have escaped.

And theyre practically at our gates!

Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack!

- Go! Go! - Gone, babe.

Huh?

- Charge! - On to battle!

Ya windbag!

Boom, badda-boom! Boom, boom!

Hercules!

Where are you?

- What can we do? - Where is Hercules?

Yeah, Hercules will save us.

Hercules!

Come out! Face me!

Oh, what are you doing? Without your strength, youll be killed.

- Hercules! - There are worse things.

- Run! - Wait! Stop!

- Hey, look! Its Hercules. - Thank the gods! Werre saved!

So, you mighty Hercules.

- Oh! - Oh!

Easy, horsefeathers. Whoa! Stop twitching!

Listen. Hercules is in trouble.

Weve gotta find Phil. Hess the only one who can talk some sense into him.

Get back! Blast you!

- Ooh! Chihuahua! - Zeus!

Come on! Hurry up! Were shovin off here!

Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.

What does he need me for when hes got friends like you?

- He wont listen to me. - Good! Hess finally learned somethin...

Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isnt about me. Itss about him.

If you dont help him now, Phil, helll die.

I need more thunderbolts!

Uh, Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyones been captured.

Ive been captured. Hey, hey, watch the glasses.

Zeusy, Im home!

Hades! Youre behind this?

Youre correct, sir!

Flea!

- Hercules! - Phil.

Come on, kid. Come on. Fight back. Come on. You can take this bum.

- This guys a pushover. Look at him. - You were right all along, Phil.

- Dreams are for rookies. - No, no, no, no, no, kid.

Givin up is for rookies. I came back ccause Immm not quittin on ya.

Im willin to go the distance. How about you?

Me bite off head!

Whoa, baby!

Hercules! Look out!

Meg! No!

Whats happening?

H- Hades deal is broken.

He promised I wouldnt get hurt.

Meg, why... why... why did ya... You didnt have to...

Oh, people always do crazy things...

when theyre in love.

Oh, Meg. Meg, I... I...

Are you always this articulate?

You... You havent got much time. You can still stop Hades.

Ill watch over her, kid.

Youre gonna be all right. I promise.

Lets go, Pegasus!

Hup, two, three, four! Come on, everybody!

- I cant hear you! - Oh, oh, that.

I swear to you, Hades, when I get out of th...

Im the one giving orders now, bolt boy.

And I think Im gonna like it here.

Dont get too comfortable, Hades!

- Hercules! - This ought to even the odds!

- Yeah, Hercules! Thank you, man. - Get them!

Whoa! Hey!

No! Get him! Not me! Him!

Follow the fingers! Him! The yutz with the horse!

- Thank you, my boy. - Nice horsey!

My intentions were pure. I really was attracted to you.

- Throw! - Ah! Now watch your old man work!

Uh-oh!

Guys, get your titanic rears in gear...

and kick some Olympian butt.

Whoa! Is my hair out?

Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least Ive got one swell consolation prize...

a friend of yours whos dying to see me.

Meg.

Meg.

Meg, no.

Oh, Im sorry, kid.

Theres some things you just cantt change.

Yes, I can.

We were so close!

So close. We tripped at the finish line. Why?

Because our little nut, Meg, has to go all noble.

- Wheres Meg? - Oh. Look whoss here.

- Wonderboy, you are too much. - Let her go.

Get a grip. Come here. Come here. Let me show you around.

Hmph. Well, well. Its a small underworld, after all, huh?

- Meg! - No, no, no. Mustnt touch.

You see, Megs running with a new crowd these days...

and not a very lively one at that.

You like making deals. Take me in Megs place.

Oh, hmph. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.

- Going once! - Hmm? Is there a downside to this?

- Going twice! - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

You get her out. She goes; you stay.

Oh, you know what slipped my mind? Youll be dead before you can get to her.

Thats not a problem, is it?

Oh!

Whats the matter with these scissors?

The thread wont cut.

This is... This is impossible!

You... You... You cant be alive. Youdd have to be a, a...

A god?

Hercules, stop! Ya cant do this to me! Ya cantt...

Fine. Okay. Listen. Okay, well, I deserved that.

Herc, Herc, Herc? Can we talk? Y- Your dad? Hes a fun guy, right?

So maybe you could put in a word with him...

and hed kind of blow this whole thing off, you know?

Meg, Meg, talk to him. You know, a little schmooze, uh...

Get away from me! Dont touch me! Get your slimy souls off me!

Hes not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.

- You mean, if he gets outta there. - Taxi!

- If? If is good. - Taxi!

I dont feel so good. I- I feel a little...

Wonderboy, what... Why did you...

People always do crazy things when theyre in love.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Three cheers for the mighty Hercules!

Oh, yeah. Flowers for everybody! Oh!

Hercules!

Hercules, were so proud of you.

Mother.

Fine work, my boy! Youve done it!

Youre a true hero.

You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.

For a true hero isnt measured by the size of his strength...

but by the strength of his heart.

Now, at last, my son...

you can come home.

Congratulations, Wonderboy. Youll make one heck of a god.

Father, this is the moment Ive always dreamed of...

but...

a life without Meg, even an immortal life...

would be empty.

I...

I wish to stay on Earth with her.

I finally know where I belong.

Hit it, ladies.

Oh, gonna shout it from the mountaintops

A star is born

Its the time for pullinoout the stops

A star is born

- Honey, hit us with a hallelu - That kid came shinin through

Girl, sing the song

Come blow your horn A star is born, a star is born

- Hes a hero who can please the crowd - A star is born

Come on, everybody, shout out loud A star is born

Just remember in the darkest hour Within your hearts the power

For makinyou a hero too

So dont lose hope when yourre forlorn

- Thats Philss boy! - Just keep your eyes

- You just keep your eyes - Upon the skies - Upon the skies

- Every night, a star is - Every night

- Right in sight, a star is - Burning bright

Burning bright A star is born

What do ya say? Its happy ending time!

Everybodys got a little taste of somethin but me. I got nothin...

I- Im here with nothin.. Anybody listenin?

Its like Imm... What am I,an echo or something?

Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what?

Hyperspace? Hello, its me. Nobody listens.

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