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1
00:00:19,122 --> 00:00:22,055
Oh, hey, darlings.
I didn't see you there.
2
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:25,231
Just Michelle Visage here
enjoying a cozy night in,
3
00:00:25,232 --> 00:00:26,680
sitting by the fire,
4
00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:29,131
sipping on a
brand-sponsored cocktail,
5
00:00:29,132 --> 00:00:33,549
and cracking open one of
my favorite holiday classics.
6
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,897
It's a story that's
full of holiday spirit,
7
00:00:36,898 --> 00:00:39,935
filled with quirky
small-town characters,
8
00:00:39,936 --> 00:00:44,629
and banned in 32 countries
for being, quote, "too gay."
9
00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:47,149
So kick your boots off,
grab yourself a drink...
10
00:00:47,150 --> 00:00:48,426
If there's anything left...
11
00:00:48,427 --> 00:00:50,325
And enjoy a tale that begins
12
00:00:50,326 --> 00:00:52,465
like all other
Christmas stories:
13
00:00:52,466 --> 00:00:56,503
with sweeping shots
of New York City.
14
00:00:56,504 --> 00:00:58,506
La-la, la-la, la
15
00:01:19,631 --> 00:01:21,287
Twas the week before Christmas
16
00:01:21,288 --> 00:01:22,633
and all through New York,
17
00:01:22,634 --> 00:01:24,773
everyone was feeling the spirit,
18
00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:27,156
except one lady hard at work.
19
00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,611
Take this up to publishing,
size 80 headline.
20
00:01:35,612 --> 00:01:37,096
Something splashy like,
21
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,132
"Twelve Skirts That Say
I'm a Slut,
22
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:41,135
but I Kind of Know Math."
23
00:01:45,726 --> 00:01:48,590
- Hey, queen.
- Tristan.
24
00:01:48,591 --> 00:01:51,040
Is that my favorite
gay coworker?
25
00:01:51,041 --> 00:01:53,491
Does this answer
your question?
26
00:01:53,492 --> 00:01:55,735
Ah, it's so gay!
I love it.
27
00:01:55,736 --> 00:01:58,014
It's almost like it's
my entire personality.
28
00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:01,050
So, any plans
for the holidays?
29
00:02:01,051 --> 00:02:04,295
Oh, you know me.
I'll be working the whole time.
30
00:02:04,296 --> 00:02:07,333
The only thing I'll be opening
on Christmas is my emails.
31
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:09,473
Girl, do you not have
any family or friends
32
00:02:09,474 --> 00:02:11,199
to spend the holidays with?
33
00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:13,062
Well, I have you, right?
You're my friend.
34
00:02:13,063 --> 00:02:15,651
No, babe.
I'm your gay coworker.
35
00:02:15,652 --> 00:02:17,481
I'm just here to
blindly support you
36
00:02:17,482 --> 00:02:20,518
and recite catchphrases that
I learned from black women.
37
00:02:20,519 --> 00:02:22,382
Wig.
38
00:02:22,383 --> 00:02:24,695
Well, I'm trying to look
good for the promotion.
39
00:02:24,696 --> 00:02:26,593
You mean...
40
00:02:26,594 --> 00:02:28,837
Executive Fashion
Ladyboss in Chief.
41
00:02:28,838 --> 00:02:30,356
Ah, you're totally
gonna get it.
42
00:02:30,357 --> 00:02:32,116
You are, like, the Joan Didion
43
00:02:32,117 --> 00:02:35,015
of telling people
to wear scarves as shirts.
44
00:02:35,016 --> 00:02:37,915
Well, I just hope
Hannah thinks so.
45
00:02:37,916 --> 00:02:41,746
- Olivia!
- In my office now!
46
00:02:41,747 --> 00:02:43,508
Wish me luck.
47
00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:49,859
Olivia!
48
00:02:57,901 --> 00:03:03,493
Someone please find
me a new assistant!
49
00:03:04,563 --> 00:03:05,839
What did she do?
50
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,186
I don't know.
51
00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,223
Something about chemo,
taking off work.
52
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:12,121
I don't know. Hah!
53
00:03:12,122 --> 00:03:14,365
Hey, listen,
thanks for coming in.
54
00:03:14,366 --> 00:03:18,335
There's something exciting
I'd like to discuss with you.
55
00:03:18,336 --> 00:03:21,579
Does the name "Tuckahoe"
mean anything to you?
56
00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:23,617
Is that, like,
German for "big taco"?
57
00:03:26,758 --> 00:03:28,276
It's this little town that
58
00:03:28,277 --> 00:03:31,348
all the major rags
are buzzing about.
59
00:03:31,349 --> 00:03:34,351
Apparently they're
obsessed with the holidays.
60
00:03:34,352 --> 00:03:35,559
Hah, hah, hah!
61
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,388
Makes me want to vomit.
62
00:03:37,389 --> 00:03:40,736
So you want me to write an
exposé on a Christmas town?
63
00:03:40,737 --> 00:03:42,911
Dear girl.
64
00:03:42,912 --> 00:03:46,949
Readership numbers
are down, Olivia.
65
00:03:46,950 --> 00:03:50,194
Everyone's saying that
print journalism is dead.
66
00:03:50,195 --> 00:03:53,370
Well, we need something
controversial
67
00:03:53,371 --> 00:03:56,235
to put us back on top.
68
00:03:56,236 --> 00:04:01,275
Imagine it: nice little town,
top of the naughty list.
69
00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:06,521
I want you to go there
and dig up some dirt...
70
00:04:06,522 --> 00:04:08,454
Covertly, of course.
71
00:04:08,455 --> 00:04:09,972
And most importantly,
72
00:04:09,973 --> 00:04:14,012
get your hands on
this winter crown.
73
00:04:15,496 --> 00:04:20,086
Whoa.
74
00:04:20,087 --> 00:04:22,330
Mesmerizing, isn't it?
75
00:04:22,331 --> 00:04:25,333
It's the grand prize at
this silly little competition
76
00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:27,024
they throw every year.
77
00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:30,199
The ultimate winter accessory
78
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,928
that will have the world
reading this exposé.
79
00:04:34,929 --> 00:04:37,690
I want it on the cover, Olivia,
80
00:04:37,691 --> 00:04:41,349
of the annual Christmas issue.
81
00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:42,695
That's right...
82
00:04:42,696 --> 00:04:45,698
The most important
issue in fashion.
83
00:04:45,699 --> 00:04:47,355
Wait.
84
00:04:47,356 --> 00:04:49,460
How am I supposed to
write about Christmas?
85
00:04:49,461 --> 00:04:51,118
I always spend it at work.
86
00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:54,983
All I'm saying is it would
look pretty good for that
87
00:04:54,984 --> 00:04:56,985
promotion you've been eyeing?
88
00:04:56,986 --> 00:05:01,817
But if you don't wanna do it,
I'll find someone who will.
89
00:05:01,818 --> 00:05:05,407
Maybe... Tristan.
90
00:05:05,408 --> 00:05:08,134
You are snatching my edges, sis!
91
00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:10,688
If he ever gets
around to doing work.
92
00:05:10,689 --> 00:05:12,103
He's...
93
00:05:12,104 --> 00:05:15,522
Look, I'm gonna need an
answer by tomorrow, okay?
94
00:05:21,769 --> 00:05:25,220
As Olivia sat there,
she pondered and reminisced.
95
00:05:25,221 --> 00:05:30,190
Is Christmas a day she regrets
to have Christ-missed?
96
00:05:30,191 --> 00:05:32,227
What do you think, Barbara?
97
00:05:32,228 --> 00:05:34,850
What do you do when
you're at a crossroads?
98
00:05:34,851 --> 00:05:37,715
Take the job, Olivia!
99
00:05:37,716 --> 00:05:39,372
Barbara?
100
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:44,722
All great lady journalists
do anything to get the story.
101
00:05:44,723 --> 00:05:48,313
Ask tough questions.
Go undercover.
102
00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:54,595
Go undercover, huh?
103
00:06:04,985 --> 00:06:07,296
Hannah? I'll do it.
104
00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:10,679
You'll have the exposé
on your desk in a week.
105
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,750
Goodbye, Olivia St. LaPelle.
106
00:06:12,751 --> 00:06:15,375
Hello, Maggie Zeen.
107
00:06:39,813 --> 00:06:41,158
Excuse me?
108
00:06:41,159 --> 00:06:44,437
Can you tell me where
the Tuck'd Inn is?
109
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:45,818
I'm here on business.
110
00:06:45,819 --> 00:06:47,406
Christmas business?
111
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,855
Um, sure.
112
00:06:48,856 --> 00:06:52,341
It's starting!
113
00:06:52,342 --> 00:06:54,033
What's starting?
114
00:06:54,034 --> 00:06:56,519
Really not from
around here, are you?
115
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,386
The Christmas
trees are on display
116
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,355
their college fund
117
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,393
There's cookies in the oven
118
00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,533
And Grandma in the kitchen
119
00:07:11,534 --> 00:07:13,742
The snowball fights
are mostly ice
120
00:07:13,743 --> 00:07:15,917
just tradition
121
00:07:15,918 --> 00:07:18,058
I met a man of mystery one day
122
00:07:19,784 --> 00:07:21,509
and super hot
123
00:07:21,510 --> 00:07:23,994
And definitely not a prince
124
00:07:23,995 --> 00:07:25,962
There's mistletoe on every door
125
00:07:27,930 --> 00:07:30,070
Except for maybe one, which is
126
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:34,005
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
127
00:07:36,179 --> 00:07:38,042
And if you listen,
you'll hear the children
128
00:07:38,043 --> 00:07:40,044
in the square... shut up!
129
00:07:40,045 --> 00:07:42,116
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
130
00:07:44,187 --> 00:07:48,398
in Tuckahoe
131
00:07:50,159 --> 00:07:52,160
We've got a kid with polio
132
00:07:52,161 --> 00:07:54,196
got his crutches
133
00:07:54,197 --> 00:07:56,302
I haven't felt my legs in years
134
00:07:56,303 --> 00:07:58,269
its blessings
135
00:07:58,270 --> 00:08:00,341
A Christmas ghost, a talking dog
136
00:08:02,378 --> 00:08:04,310
I'm only here for this one part
137
00:08:04,311 --> 00:08:06,105
been paid, darlin'
138
00:08:06,106 --> 00:08:08,039
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
139
00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,077
A chance to do
something real creepy
140
00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:16,081
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
141
00:08:18,118 --> 00:08:22,328
in Tuckahoe
142
00:08:22,329 --> 00:08:24,193
I plan on finding
143
00:08:26,367 --> 00:08:30,474
promotion will be mine
144
00:08:30,475 --> 00:08:32,753
Why did I just sing that?
Oh, pardon me.
145
00:08:36,688 --> 00:08:37,724
Woo!
146
00:08:38,863 --> 00:08:42,831
- Those are your... husbands?
- Mm-hmm. Why do you ask?
147
00:08:42,832 --> 00:08:44,247
Woo!
148
00:08:50,426 --> 00:08:52,255
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
149
00:08:54,361 --> 00:08:56,500
In a consumer-capitalist
commercial way that uses
150
00:08:56,501 --> 00:08:58,260
- religion as a façade.
- Shut up!
151
00:08:58,261 --> 00:09:00,298
It's a Tuckahoe Christmas
152
00:09:02,403 --> 00:09:04,820
in Tucka...
153
00:09:08,202 --> 00:09:09,894
It's Mayor Coont!
154
00:09:21,008 --> 00:09:23,354
Merry Christmas, Tuckahoe!
155
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,287
It's Christmastime in Tucka...
156
00:09:25,288 --> 00:09:27,220
Christmastime in Tucka...
157
00:09:27,221 --> 00:09:29,258
Christmastime in Tucka...
158
00:09:31,018 --> 00:09:32,985
Christmastime in Tucka... hi
159
00:09:32,986 --> 00:09:35,195
Christmastime in Tucka...
160
00:09:36,058 --> 00:09:37,197
Oh, sorry.
161
00:09:50,797 --> 00:09:53,074
- Is that the mayor?
- Coont.
162
00:09:53,075 --> 00:09:54,627
What did you just call me?
163
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,491
Mayor Coont?
164
00:09:56,492 --> 00:10:00,288
Seasons tidings, my town!
165
00:10:00,289 --> 00:10:03,360
Tomorrow marks
a very special day.
166
00:10:03,361 --> 00:10:06,916
It's the first day of
our annual Winter Ball!
167
00:10:10,023 --> 00:10:12,369
Now, I don't need to
tell you how it works,
168
00:10:12,370 --> 00:10:17,063
but I will anyway just in case
somebody comes from out of town
169
00:10:17,064 --> 00:10:19,100
on Christmas business
or something.
170
00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:22,759
The ball.
The ball is a weeklong,
171
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,625
multi-part competition to judge
172
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:32,045
what street in town embodies
the holiday spirit the most.
173
00:10:35,358 --> 00:10:40,535
Delia, the crown, please.
174
00:10:40,536 --> 00:10:41,710
Work it, girl!
175
00:10:43,056 --> 00:10:44,696
Gonna miss sleeping
in this little number.
176
00:10:45,921 --> 00:10:47,300
As Delia Von Whitewoman,
177
00:10:47,301 --> 00:10:49,820
the head housewife
of Kittenheel Court,
178
00:10:49,821 --> 00:10:53,237
and the winner of the
last eleven winter balls,
179
00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:55,032
I just wanna say...
180
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,793
it's just a silly little crown,
181
00:10:56,794 --> 00:10:59,520
and not something to plan
your entire year/life around.
182
00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:08,287
Let it go, Delia!
183
00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:09,945
Or what?
184
00:11:11,429 --> 00:11:14,673
I mean, here you
go, Mayor Coont.
185
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,745
What? Wow.
186
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:20,575
As our forefathers
once ordained,
187
00:11:20,576 --> 00:11:24,890
no citizen shall see the crown
before the final pageant,
188
00:11:24,891 --> 00:11:28,169
or else they will fall victim
189
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:31,068
to the dreadful Tuckahoe Curse.
190
00:11:31,069 --> 00:11:32,380
Mm-hmm.
191
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:34,209
I'm sure everyone here remembers
192
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,108
what happened to Little Lennie,
193
00:11:36,109 --> 00:11:38,179
our local polio child.
194
00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:39,456
Little Lennie!
195
00:11:39,457 --> 00:11:43,495
Russ, could you
please lock this away?
196
00:11:45,428 --> 00:11:47,222
All right.
197
00:11:47,223 --> 00:11:49,984
Tuckahoe, start your engines,
198
00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:53,816
and may the best housewife win!
199
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,343
Bitches!
200
00:12:12,145 --> 00:12:14,422
Oh!
201
00:12:14,423 --> 00:12:15,389
Oops!
202
00:12:15,390 --> 00:12:17,597
Oh my god!
I'm so sorry.
203
00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:18,771
No worries!
204
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,911
I'm... I'm sure it will
come out in the wash.
205
00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:22,500
Can you hold this?
206
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,475
Hey, Mack?
207
00:12:33,476 --> 00:12:35,167
Could you take the crown
to that secret location
208
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,341
nobody knows about?
Oh-
209
00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:40,172
- Sorry about that.
210
00:12:40,173 --> 00:12:43,347
Name's Big Russ.
I'm the mayor's security.
211
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:45,660
Maggie. Uh, Maggie Zeen.
212
00:12:45,661 --> 00:12:49,975
Well, looks like
I owe you another, uh...
213
00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:51,321
Wait a second, is this coffee?
214
00:12:51,322 --> 00:12:53,944
It is.
It is coffee, yeah.
215
00:12:53,945 --> 00:12:56,153
I actually love coffee.
216
00:12:56,154 --> 00:12:59,122
Well, you love coffee?
That is crazy!
217
00:12:59,123 --> 00:13:02,125
'Cause I also love coffee.
218
00:13:02,126 --> 00:13:03,540
Really? Oh my god,
219
00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:06,199
I've never met
anyone else who loves coffee.
220
00:13:07,648 --> 00:13:09,580
I actually even have
this saying in the morning:
221
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,272
don't talk to me
until I've had my...
222
00:13:11,273 --> 00:13:13,482
hot bean water.
223
00:13:17,762 --> 00:13:21,316
Would you maybe wanna
grab a cup with me?
224
00:13:21,317 --> 00:13:25,907
Uh... I'm really
busy with work.
225
00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:29,981
But... maybe I'll see you around.
226
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:36,470
Bye, Maggie Zeen.
227
00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:40,853
Lost the scent of the crown.
228
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,856
But fortunately, I have
a reservation at the town inn.
229
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:47,377
It's the perfect place to chat
up the locals and get the scoop.
230
00:13:47,378 --> 00:13:49,656
Someone's bound to know
where that crown is hiding.
231
00:13:53,418 --> 00:13:55,730
Oh my god! I'm sorry!
232
00:13:55,731 --> 00:13:57,663
I was just checking to
see if you were on duty.
233
00:13:57,664 --> 00:14:00,942
Ooh, girl, I thought you
were that Annabelle doll!
234
00:14:00,943 --> 00:14:03,358
Yeah, I'm on duty.
235
00:14:03,359 --> 00:14:06,465
And I am happy to take you!
236
00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:08,432
Just so you know,
237
00:14:08,433 --> 00:14:10,676
I almost lost my license
last week,
238
00:14:10,677 --> 00:14:12,436
but for nothin' serious. Huh!
239
00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:15,198
Judge used all this
legal jargon.
240
00:14:15,199 --> 00:14:17,648
You know, like
"vehicular manslaughter"
241
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:19,788
or something like that,
I don't know.
242
00:14:19,789 --> 00:14:21,790
Anyway, where you goin'?
The... Tuck'd Inn?
243
00:14:21,791 --> 00:14:23,723
Oh, I love that
little hole in the wall.
244
00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,898
Oh, yeah, yeah, the pictures
online looked really quaint.
245
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:29,350
No, there's literally
a hole in the wall.
246
00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:31,248
Tried parallel parking?
247
00:14:31,249 --> 00:14:33,941
Hmph, backed
right into the lobby.
248
00:14:33,942 --> 00:14:35,598
Buckle up!
249
00:14:39,499 --> 00:14:41,707
Oh, your name is
Bea Eep, like a car?
250
00:14:41,708 --> 00:14:44,883
Nah, bitch, like a...
251
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,988
Woo!
252
00:14:48,197 --> 00:14:50,027
- Hold on.
- I know a shortcut.
253
00:14:55,066 --> 00:14:58,344
After many misturns
and the cab breaking down,
254
00:14:58,345 --> 00:15:02,384
the two pulled up at dawn
to a seedy edge of town.
255
00:15:09,011 --> 00:15:11,324
Who said my name?
256
00:15:20,436 --> 00:15:23,853
Not from around here, are you?
257
00:15:25,303 --> 00:15:28,236
Oh, uh, do you work here?
258
00:15:28,237 --> 00:15:33,138
If by "here" you mean this
alley, then yeah, I work here.
259
00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,174
Oh, so you... you
do construction?
260
00:15:35,175 --> 00:15:36,865
If by "construction" you mean
261
00:15:36,866 --> 00:15:39,316
handling heavy pipes
with my hands,
262
00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:41,698
then yeah, I do construction.
263
00:15:41,699 --> 00:15:44,977
Oh, so you're a... plumber?
264
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,772
If by "plumber" you mean
265
00:15:46,773 --> 00:15:49,430
sucking massive clogs
out of people's holes,
266
00:15:49,431 --> 00:15:53,330
then yeah, I'm a plumber.
267
00:15:53,331 --> 00:15:55,091
Oh, you're a whore.
268
00:15:55,092 --> 00:15:56,989
Ooh, yeah, that's me!
269
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:59,681
The name's Kitti.
270
00:15:59,682 --> 00:16:01,477
Allow me.
271
00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:08,276
Oh, follow me, please.
272
00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:09,588
Excuse me.
273
00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:11,935
Time for my morning
cold potato offer.
274
00:16:11,936 --> 00:16:14,006
Boys! Good news!
275
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:17,906
Just got back from the
clinic clean as a whistle...
276
00:16:17,907 --> 00:16:19,563
that was just in someone's ass.
277
00:16:19,564 --> 00:16:23,533
Come! We drink.
278
00:16:23,534 --> 00:16:25,501
Oh, look at you!
279
00:16:45,383 --> 00:16:47,006
Hello?
280
00:16:57,499 --> 00:17:00,190
Woo! Oh!
Hiya, gal pal.
281
00:17:00,191 --> 00:17:02,365
You checkin' in?
Are you okay?
282
00:17:02,366 --> 00:17:03,883
What... what were
you doing up there?
283
00:17:03,884 --> 00:17:08,164
Oh! I thought it'd be
neat to install a fire pole.
284
00:17:08,165 --> 00:17:10,649
Turns out I forgot the pole.
285
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,823
But there is a fire up there.
286
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,826
Oh, I'll get to it later.
287
00:17:16,449 --> 00:17:19,485
Hazel Delashes.
I run the inn...
288
00:17:19,486 --> 00:17:22,592
Well, when it
isn't running away from me.
289
00:17:22,593 --> 00:17:25,215
I have a reservation
under Zeen.
290
00:17:25,216 --> 00:17:26,975
First name, Maggie.
291
00:17:26,976 --> 00:17:28,874
Maggie... Zeen?
292
00:17:28,875 --> 00:17:31,808
Well, like a magazine?
293
00:17:31,809 --> 00:17:34,466
You're not one of those
reporters from the big city,
294
00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:36,020
are ya?
295
00:17:37,470 --> 00:17:39,126
No, of course not!
296
00:17:39,127 --> 00:17:42,025
No, I'm a...
297
00:17:42,026 --> 00:17:44,303
jar...
298
00:17:44,304 --> 00:17:47,341
nail...
299
00:17:47,342 --> 00:17:49,377
list.
300
00:17:49,378 --> 00:17:51,966
A journalist?
301
00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:53,899
Shit!
302
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,592
Like somebody
who makes journals?
303
00:17:57,593 --> 00:17:59,939
Yes! That! Oh, yeah!
304
00:17:59,940 --> 00:18:03,633
Why didn't you say so in
the first place, girly?
305
00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:06,946
Journals are one of my
top five favorite things.
306
00:18:06,947 --> 00:18:09,536
Let me show you to your room.
307
00:18:11,952 --> 00:18:13,575
It's one of these.
Come on.
308
00:18:16,474 --> 00:18:17,993
Oh, son of a bisque!
309
00:18:22,411 --> 00:18:25,104
Ooh!
310
00:18:31,317 --> 00:18:33,145
It's musty.
311
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:35,631
Mm, that's just me.
312
00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,463
Oh!
Why is the mattress wet?
313
00:18:40,464 --> 00:18:43,018
Didn't ya ask for
the pirate theme?
314
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,953
It's probably pee.
315
00:18:47,954 --> 00:18:49,645
For pirate?
316
00:18:59,517 --> 00:19:01,691
I thought so. Oh!
317
00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:03,211
Ladies.-
318
00:19:06,041 --> 00:19:07,767
Ladies!-
319
00:19:09,424 --> 00:19:11,183
- Thank you all for coming
320
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,737
to the Kittenheel
Court Announcement Club,
321
00:19:13,738 --> 00:19:17,189
and for adhering to
this month's theme: big hats.
322
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:19,295
Remember,
next month is little gloves,
323
00:19:19,296 --> 00:19:21,125
as suggested by Bernice.
324
00:19:22,644 --> 00:19:25,302
- Good suggestion.
- Thank you, Bernice.
325
00:19:26,510 --> 00:19:28,614
Our first announcement,
as you all know,
326
00:19:28,615 --> 00:19:30,892
is that tomorrow
is the Winter Ball.
327
00:19:30,893 --> 00:19:33,136
I hope you all are well rested.
328
00:19:33,137 --> 00:19:35,519
With the twins running
around, fat chance.
329
00:19:37,831 --> 00:19:39,660
That's funny, Lanette.
330
00:19:39,661 --> 00:19:42,041
Do you think this is
something to laugh about?
331
00:19:42,042 --> 00:19:45,113
- It's just a joke.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
332
00:19:45,114 --> 00:19:46,908
I didn't realize
I had front-row tickets to
333
00:19:46,909 --> 00:19:49,532
"Lanette: Live
at the Giggle Factory."
334
00:19:49,533 --> 00:19:51,810
Please, tell another joke.
335
00:19:51,811 --> 00:19:53,605
I don't have another joke.
336
00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:55,572
Well, then what
are you good for?
337
00:19:55,573 --> 00:19:58,507
Get out. And take
your ugly hat with you.
338
00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:04,374
You look like a
bargain bin Pippa Middleton.
339
00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:05,720
See you tomorrow, hon.
340
00:20:05,721 --> 00:20:06,859
I think she went too far...
341
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:09,552
Now, where were we?
Oh, I remember.
342
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:11,313
Oh, Bertram!
343
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,905
You all have met
my husband, Bertram,
344
00:20:17,906 --> 00:20:20,770
the very rich owner
of the local bank.
345
00:20:20,771 --> 00:20:23,980
And I couldn't be luckier
to have found such a generous,
346
00:20:23,981 --> 00:20:27,777
open, and understanding
prenup as ours.
347
00:20:27,778 --> 00:20:29,399
Isn't that right, Bertram?
348
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:30,745
- Aww!
- Aww!
349
00:20:30,746 --> 00:20:33,507
Bertram, stop.
Not in front of everyone!
350
00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:34,578
Lights.
351
00:20:38,582 --> 00:20:40,721
Christmas Eve marks
yet another year
352
00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:44,794
where Kittenheel Court
takes home the crown.
353
00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:47,072
But I'd also like to announce
that it will commence
354
00:20:47,073 --> 00:20:50,387
of the grand remodeling
of downtown Tuckahoe!
355
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:55,632
With Bertram's help,
we ladies of Kittenheel Court
356
00:20:55,633 --> 00:20:59,429
are going to turn this...
357
00:20:59,430 --> 00:21:02,537
into this.
358
00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:07,644
No more hookers or wild dogs,
359
00:21:07,645 --> 00:21:10,820
or that bedbug-infested
Tuck'd Inn.
360
00:21:10,821 --> 00:21:14,755
Now we'll have what
we always dreamed of...
361
00:21:14,756 --> 00:21:16,688
the largest
Cardigan Super Outlet
362
00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:18,449
in the tristate area!
363
00:21:23,351 --> 00:21:24,765
Oh, crap!
364
00:21:24,766 --> 00:21:25,835
As Olivia walked through the bar
365
00:21:25,836 --> 00:21:27,699
in her cocktail skirt,
366
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:31,151
she chatted up Hazel
to dig up some dirt.
367
00:21:34,396 --> 00:21:36,397
I'll take a Manhattan.
368
00:21:36,398 --> 00:21:40,367
You mean like that city
where some people are from?
369
00:21:40,368 --> 00:21:43,818
I mean a... cosmopolitan.
370
00:21:43,819 --> 00:21:48,444
You mean like the people
that are from that city?
371
00:21:48,445 --> 00:21:49,998
I'll take a water!
372
00:21:53,691 --> 00:21:55,210
Water, huh?
373
00:21:56,418 --> 00:21:57,936
Love that stuff.
374
00:21:57,937 --> 00:21:59,800
I'm sorry. I didn't
realize you were there.
375
00:21:59,801 --> 00:22:01,526
No one ever does.
376
00:22:01,527 --> 00:22:05,392
I was actually diagnosed with
chronic no personality disorder.
377
00:22:05,393 --> 00:22:10,086
No interests, no talents,
no original ideas.
378
00:22:10,087 --> 00:22:13,503
Kind of like a background
character in my own life.
379
00:22:13,504 --> 00:22:16,126
Well, what do you want
to do with your life?
380
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:19,198
Become an
international pop star.
381
00:22:19,199 --> 00:22:21,028
I'm Jane McBeige.
382
00:22:21,029 --> 00:22:22,788
I deliver all the
mail here in town.
383
00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:25,204
Well, until my big break.
384
00:22:25,205 --> 00:22:29,416
Maggie. Say...
385
00:22:29,417 --> 00:22:34,628
if you deliver the mail,
you must've heard about some
386
00:22:34,629 --> 00:22:36,181
scandals, corruption?
387
00:22:36,182 --> 00:22:38,079
Maybe where a certain
crown is being kept?
388
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,874
Doll, that crown
389
00:22:39,875 --> 00:22:42,636
is locked up tighter than
my ex-husband.
390
00:22:42,637 --> 00:22:46,467
The only way of getting your
hands on it is by winning it.
391
00:22:46,468 --> 00:22:50,126
Oh, by the way, Hazel, you got
another letter from the bank.
392
00:22:50,127 --> 00:22:52,301
Well, it's probably
about that loan.
393
00:22:54,959 --> 00:23:00,067
Oh no! Oh no, no, no!
394
00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:04,105
- What is it, Hazel?
- It's an eviction notice.
395
00:23:04,106 --> 00:23:09,076
It says they're gonna tear
down the inn on Christmas Eve!
396
00:23:09,077 --> 00:23:11,941
What? They can't do that!
397
00:23:11,942 --> 00:23:13,839
This is where I get all my work.
398
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,049
I'm so behind on the
loan they're gonna...
399
00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:20,640
they're gonna bulldoze
the inn in five days!
400
00:23:22,090 --> 00:23:24,332
I guess that's
just how banks work.
401
00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,920
Oh, come on!
402
00:23:25,921 --> 00:23:28,026
There's got to be
something we can do!
403
00:23:28,027 --> 00:23:30,028
But as Olivia sat there
404
00:23:30,029 --> 00:23:32,479
next to the Broads of Downtown,
405
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:37,898
she had an idea,
a way to get close to the crown.
406
00:23:37,899 --> 00:23:40,383
What if you entered
the Winter Ball?
407
00:23:40,384 --> 00:23:43,352
- Huh?
- What?
408
00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:46,838
- No...
- Very funny.
409
00:23:46,839 --> 00:23:48,529
Think about it.
410
00:23:48,530 --> 00:23:51,325
If you won the crown,
the downtown would be named
411
00:23:51,326 --> 00:23:54,432
the most Christmassy street
in Tuckahoe.
412
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:57,296
There's no way the mayor
would tear it down then.
413
00:23:57,297 --> 00:24:02,716
But how are we
gonna beat Kittenheel Court?
414
00:24:02,717 --> 00:24:04,857
You know what?
415
00:24:05,858 --> 00:24:08,411
Oh my goodness.
416
00:24:08,412 --> 00:24:12,519
I may just be a girl named
Maggie who makes journals.
417
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,968
But I can feel it.
418
00:24:13,969 --> 00:24:15,971
There is magic in this inn.
419
00:24:27,431 --> 00:24:29,915
We need a leader if
we are going to compete.
420
00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:34,680
And who is going to lead a bunch
of busted-ass broads like us?
421
00:24:36,889 --> 00:24:40,098
- I'll do it!
- You?
422
00:24:40,099 --> 00:24:41,858
Yeah, that's right!
423
00:24:41,859 --> 00:24:44,309
Tomorrow I'm gonna be in
the square
424
00:24:44,310 --> 00:24:48,865
repping the Broads of Downtown.
425
00:24:48,866 --> 00:24:52,006
Who's with me?
426
00:24:52,007 --> 00:24:54,146
Oh, like I'm gonna
let anybody else
427
00:24:54,147 --> 00:24:56,529
destroy this place before me.
428
00:24:57,703 --> 00:24:58,841
And like I'm gonna let them
429
00:24:58,842 --> 00:25:01,809
demolish the last gloryhole
in town?
430
00:25:01,810 --> 00:25:03,293
Like I'm gonna let you gals
431
00:25:03,294 --> 00:25:06,538
put your hands in a pileup
without me.
432
00:25:06,539 --> 00:25:10,369
Oh, if we're gonna compete,
we need one more person.
433
00:25:10,370 --> 00:25:11,302
I'll do it.
434
00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:13,511
Any takers?
Come on, ladies.
435
00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:15,409
I'll do it.
436
00:25:15,410 --> 00:25:18,239
- Is there anybody around here?
- I don't think there's...
437
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,827
Hey, what about you, Jane?
438
00:25:19,828 --> 00:25:21,553
- Oh!
- Oh!
439
00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:24,487
I'll do it!
440
00:25:24,488 --> 00:25:25,868
Then it's settled.
441
00:25:25,869 --> 00:25:28,872
We'll win the crown
and save the inn!
442
00:25:31,219 --> 00:25:32,668
Very exciting.
Very exciting.
443
00:25:32,669 --> 00:25:37,189
But first we need to do
something about... this.
444
00:25:37,190 --> 00:25:38,813
What?
I put on deodorant today.
445
00:25:41,816 --> 00:25:44,024
You hear that, ladies?
446
00:25:44,025 --> 00:25:47,855
That's the sound of
a makeover montage!
447
00:25:47,856 --> 00:25:50,375
No, that's actually just
the sound of a couple of rats
448
00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:52,895
sucking each other off in a
radiator.
449
00:25:52,896 --> 00:25:54,345
Oh.
450
00:26:06,703 --> 00:26:08,739
Oh! Oh!
451
00:26:14,158 --> 00:26:16,263
Careful, she left
a snail trail all over the bar.
452
00:26:16,264 --> 00:26:18,748
- That's it!
- Oh, you like that?
453
00:26:18,749 --> 00:26:20,025
Yeah, I like the hands.
454
00:26:20,026 --> 00:26:22,303
Now sissy that walk
455
00:26:22,304 --> 00:26:23,753
Oh!
456
00:26:23,754 --> 00:26:25,860
Now sissy that walk
457
00:26:36,836 --> 00:26:39,493
now sissy that walk...
458
00:26:39,494 --> 00:26:41,737
Yes!
459
00:26:41,738 --> 00:26:43,462
How do we look?
460
00:26:43,463 --> 00:26:44,706
Like winners.
461
00:26:47,019 --> 00:26:48,813
Live from downtown Tuckahoe,
462
00:26:48,814 --> 00:26:51,298
the Christ-missiest
town in America,
463
00:26:51,299 --> 00:26:54,646
it's the Tuckahoe
Annual Winter Ball!
464
00:26:54,647 --> 00:26:57,476
Well, it is a beautiful
winter evening here in Tuckahoe
465
00:26:57,477 --> 00:27:01,342
and the perfect night to
kick off the annual Winter Ball.
466
00:27:01,343 --> 00:27:02,585
Isn't that right,
Kreston Carsley?
467
00:27:02,586 --> 00:27:05,381
Oh, it sure is, Matt Rothews!
468
00:27:05,382 --> 00:27:07,866
Even our wives joined us
here tonight in the audience.
469
00:27:07,867 --> 00:27:09,937
- Oh, hi, hon!
- Look at her.
470
00:27:09,938 --> 00:27:12,146
- Oh, your wife looks cute.
- Thanks, I did her hair.
471
00:27:12,147 --> 00:27:13,734
Oh, I love it.
Did she get a new bra?
472
00:27:13,735 --> 00:27:15,771
Mm, I'm not sure,
but I cannot wait to
473
00:27:15,772 --> 00:27:19,153
bend her over my desk later
and mess that thing up.
474
00:27:19,154 --> 00:27:20,465
Yup, that's hot.
475
00:27:20,466 --> 00:27:22,018
Alright, now, for
the first competition,
476
00:27:22,019 --> 00:27:24,124
it's going to be
the Holiday Runway.
477
00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:25,263
Isn't that right?
Yes!
478
00:27:25,264 --> 00:27:26,609
And for the Holiday Runway,
479
00:27:26,610 --> 00:27:28,922
each street will debut
a series of unified looks
480
00:27:28,923 --> 00:27:31,027
for a chance
to impress the mayor.
481
00:27:31,028 --> 00:27:32,996
Ooh, here she comes now.
482
00:27:41,211 --> 00:27:44,800
First up, L'Chaim Lane,
serving us Hannakouture.
483
00:27:44,801 --> 00:27:46,250
Hm, mazel.
484
00:28:01,127 --> 00:28:02,956
Well, well, well.
485
00:28:02,957 --> 00:28:05,924
Looks like the downtown rats
made it out of the sewer!
486
00:28:05,925 --> 00:28:07,201
Bitch.
487
00:28:07,202 --> 00:28:09,031
Oh! Your hair
looks expensive.
488
00:28:09,032 --> 00:28:10,618
Who might you be?
489
00:28:10,619 --> 00:28:12,655
I'm Maggie Zeen.
490
00:28:12,656 --> 00:28:16,590
And I just wanna say
you better watch your back.
491
00:28:16,591 --> 00:28:17,695
'Cause this year,
492
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:19,455
the competition's
gonna get a little tougher.
493
00:28:19,456 --> 00:28:20,905
Mm-hmm.
494
00:28:20,906 --> 00:28:24,218
Tougher, yeah, if you
took out the "e" and put the "r"
495
00:28:24,219 --> 00:28:27,981
between the "t" and the "o."
496
00:28:27,982 --> 00:28:30,397
- Troug?
- Trug?
497
00:28:30,398 --> 00:28:32,226
- Truffaut?
- Wait, no...
498
00:28:32,227 --> 00:28:34,435
It's trough, as in the thing
499
00:28:34,436 --> 00:28:37,611
you'll be eating out of
'cause you're pigs.
500
00:28:37,612 --> 00:28:42,271
I'm so sorry, can you say
it one more time, please?
501
00:28:42,272 --> 00:28:45,343
I... I thought you just
said that we were rats.
502
00:28:45,344 --> 00:28:48,242
Kittenheel Court
to the stage, please.
503
00:28:48,243 --> 00:28:51,902
Watch and learn, little rats.
Squeak squeak.
504
00:28:54,008 --> 00:28:57,873
And of course Kittenheel Court
serving Nativity Scene Realness.
505
00:28:57,874 --> 00:28:59,703
Joy to the world
506
00:29:05,744 --> 00:29:07,297
I like her shoes.
507
00:29:11,508 --> 00:29:14,613
Joy the world, the Lord is come
508
00:29:14,614 --> 00:29:15,856
Mary!
509
00:29:15,857 --> 00:29:19,066
Are you there, God?
It's me, your baby mama.
510
00:29:19,067 --> 00:29:20,550
Very creative.
511
00:29:20,551 --> 00:29:23,969
Joy
512
00:29:28,490 --> 00:29:30,837
Ooh, next up,
I wasn't expecting this.
513
00:29:30,838 --> 00:29:32,148
This is a real shocker.
514
00:29:32,149 --> 00:29:34,392
It's the Broads of Downtown
Tuckahoe
515
00:29:34,393 --> 00:29:37,015
giving us Santa's Werk Room.
516
00:29:37,016 --> 00:29:39,569
- Hm!
- I don't know...
517
00:29:39,570 --> 00:29:43,816
Come and taste my
Christmas cookies
518
00:29:52,031 --> 00:29:53,031
Oh!
519
00:29:54,482 --> 00:29:56,277
Ow!
520
00:29:59,694 --> 00:30:02,248
O-o-oven
521
00:30:13,673 --> 00:30:15,226
A level of
unprofessionalism...
522
00:30:15,227 --> 00:30:16,918
Far too much.
523
00:30:24,132 --> 00:30:26,340
Mayor Coont, your
final judgment?
524
00:30:26,341 --> 00:30:29,102
Put that away!
525
00:30:29,103 --> 00:30:32,002
Kittenheel Court
is the winner!
526
00:30:43,393 --> 00:30:46,464
I told you to lock it away.
527
00:30:46,465 --> 00:30:48,328
Lock what away?
528
00:30:48,329 --> 00:30:49,881
- The crown!
- I did.
529
00:30:49,882 --> 00:30:53,057
It's in a secret location
that no one knows about.
530
00:30:53,058 --> 00:30:54,610
And it's locked up?
531
00:30:54,611 --> 00:30:55,783
I couldn't find the key,
532
00:30:55,784 --> 00:30:57,855
so I just put
a really heavy book
533
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,511
in front of the door.
534
00:30:59,512 --> 00:31:02,756
Russ, like I
say every year, there's no key.
535
00:31:02,757 --> 00:31:03,930
It's a code.
536
00:31:03,931 --> 00:31:06,864
Mm, that explains the keypad.
537
00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,417
So, uh, what was the code?
538
00:31:08,418 --> 00:31:11,247
Oh, I told you the code!
539
00:31:11,248 --> 00:31:14,320
It's 80085...
540
00:31:21,741 --> 00:31:24,467
- Oh!
- Oh!
541
00:31:24,468 --> 00:31:25,952
Careful there, Coffee Girl.
542
00:31:25,953 --> 00:31:29,301
Oh.
Hey... Coffee Guy.
543
00:31:31,544 --> 00:31:33,028
Yeah, will that
be cream or sugar?
544
00:31:33,029 --> 00:31:35,307
Uh, oat milk, please,
or else I'll shit my pants.
545
00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:45,799
What were you
doing back there?
546
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,699
Oh, I wa... I was
just climbing up to...
547
00:31:49,700 --> 00:31:53,496
get a better look
at this big tree.
548
00:31:53,497 --> 00:31:57,224
Wow, we don't have
those where I'm from.
549
00:31:57,225 --> 00:31:59,330
And where is that?
550
00:31:59,331 --> 00:32:02,816
The Gobi Desert.
551
00:32:02,817 --> 00:32:04,576
Oh.
552
00:32:04,577 --> 00:32:06,302
Oh no, your tape
recorder's all wet.
553
00:32:06,303 --> 00:32:07,995
Oh. Oh...
554
00:32:09,375 --> 00:32:11,032
Here.
555
00:32:16,451 --> 00:32:18,350
Thank you.
556
00:32:21,905 --> 00:32:25,114
Look, I know you're
some classy business lady
557
00:32:25,115 --> 00:32:28,393
and I'm just some security guard
with a tragic backstory
558
00:32:28,394 --> 00:32:31,465
that's left me
incredibly single, but...
559
00:32:31,466 --> 00:32:32,985
is there any chance
that you might...
560
00:32:34,780 --> 00:32:37,714
I'm sorry.
I... I have to take this.
561
00:32:41,304 --> 00:32:43,651
- Hannah?
- Do you have the crown?
562
00:32:46,171 --> 00:32:48,310
I'm... working on it.
563
00:32:48,311 --> 00:32:50,105
Well, what's the hold up?
564
00:32:50,106 --> 00:32:51,623
Olivia, I did not send you there
565
00:32:51,624 --> 00:32:55,627
to walk around with
your thumb up your ass.
566
00:32:55,628 --> 00:32:59,528
Olivia, do I need to
remind you how much you owe me?
567
00:32:59,529 --> 00:33:05,534
Darling, I was there for
you when nobody else was.
568
00:33:05,535 --> 00:33:08,261
Olivia, if you
drop one more call,
569
00:33:08,262 --> 00:33:12,161
you're going back out on
the street where I found you.
570
00:33:12,162 --> 00:33:14,613
Yes, Hannah.
571
00:33:17,236 --> 00:33:18,857
Let me tell you something.
572
00:33:18,858 --> 00:33:21,826
You're lucky I
found you on that stoop.
573
00:33:21,827 --> 00:33:24,484
I risked my career for you,
so you better repay me...
574
00:33:24,485 --> 00:33:28,453
I will.
I will get it, Hannah.
575
00:33:28,454 --> 00:33:30,732
That's a good girl.
576
00:33:32,596 --> 00:33:34,252
After a series of losses,
577
00:33:34,253 --> 00:33:38,395
the broads were losing faith.
Holed up in the bar...
578
00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:45,746
- Who the hell?
- Hi! What's up, bitch?
579
00:33:45,747 --> 00:33:47,817
Kim Petras, what
are you doing here?
580
00:33:47,818 --> 00:33:50,648
Deck the halls with boughs of...
581
00:33:50,649 --> 00:33:51,925
No, hold up, uh-uh.
582
00:33:51,926 --> 00:33:53,478
You can't just come
into people's houses
583
00:33:53,479 --> 00:33:54,755
and start singing.
584
00:33:54,756 --> 00:33:56,412
I am in the middle
of something, so...
585
00:33:56,413 --> 00:33:58,105
Oh, okay.
586
00:34:00,452 --> 00:34:01,900
- Right.
- Okay.
587
00:34:01,901 --> 00:34:05,835
Now, where were we?
Ah, right.
588
00:34:05,836 --> 00:34:09,461
The broads were just thinking
maybe they should just give up.
589
00:34:12,119 --> 00:34:15,742
You know, maybe
we should just give up.
590
00:34:15,743 --> 00:34:18,607
I'll never be a
pop star after this.
591
00:34:18,608 --> 00:34:20,092
No, we can't give up.
592
00:34:22,129 --> 00:34:24,544
I mean, did Katie Couric give up
593
00:34:24,545 --> 00:34:26,718
when her daytime talk show
was canceled?
594
00:34:26,719 --> 00:34:28,237
Who?
595
00:34:28,238 --> 00:34:30,688
Did Rachel Maddow give up
when... when everyone said
596
00:34:30,689 --> 00:34:33,139
she looked like a lesbian
Andrew Garfield?
597
00:34:33,140 --> 00:34:37,729
Yeah, but girl, even
if we set our... up
598
00:34:37,730 --> 00:34:42,148
to the Nth degree, we still
ain't no Kittenheel Court.
599
00:34:42,149 --> 00:34:44,460
Maybe that's the problem.
600
00:34:44,461 --> 00:34:46,912
We're trying to be
Kittenheel Court.
601
00:34:51,158 --> 00:34:53,918
Oh, Christ on a cracker,
she's climbing on the furniture.
602
00:34:53,919 --> 00:34:56,679
Who are these Kittenheel
Court ladies anyway, huh?
603
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:59,786
Huh? They're rich. So?
604
00:34:59,787 --> 00:35:02,029
They're... they're... they're
manicured.
605
00:35:02,030 --> 00:35:03,134
What else?
606
00:35:03,135 --> 00:35:04,894
Oh, they also
bleach their assholes.
607
00:35:04,895 --> 00:35:07,759
Exactly!
And guess what?
608
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,728
Our assholes aren't bleached.
609
00:35:10,729 --> 00:35:13,386
Ours are the color of shit!
610
00:35:13,387 --> 00:35:14,697
And you know why?
611
00:35:14,698 --> 00:35:16,906
Because that's
where shit comes out of?
612
00:35:16,907 --> 00:35:20,634
Yes, Jane!
That is where shit comes out of!
613
00:35:20,635 --> 00:35:23,120
I like where this is going.
614
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:26,951
The Broads are gross.
615
00:35:26,952 --> 00:35:29,229
Hey? We're sluts!
616
00:35:29,230 --> 00:35:30,679
We're messes!
617
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,371
And we are proud of it.
618
00:35:33,372 --> 00:35:37,582
We've just gotta
take our nasty shit
619
00:35:37,583 --> 00:35:40,516
and shove it in their faces.
620
00:35:40,517 --> 00:35:42,967
What if I usually
charge for that?
621
00:35:42,968 --> 00:35:48,800
We just have to show this
town why we are special.
622
00:35:48,801 --> 00:35:52,597
But... but the Carol
Showdown is tomorrow night!
623
00:35:52,598 --> 00:35:55,152
What are we supposed to do?
624
00:35:55,153 --> 00:36:00,502
Uh... come on, ladies.
I've got a plan.
625
00:36:00,503 --> 00:36:01,642
Is it topless?
626
00:36:05,922 --> 00:36:07,647
And for those of
you just joining us,
627
00:36:07,648 --> 00:36:10,097
tonight is the
ultimate Carol Showdown.
628
00:36:10,098 --> 00:36:12,548
Yes, and the rules
are very simple.
629
00:36:12,549 --> 00:36:14,550
Two teams are forced
to go head to head
630
00:36:14,551 --> 00:36:17,622
in a high-stakes carol sing-off.
631
00:36:17,623 --> 00:36:21,869
Joy to the world,
the Lord has come
632
00:36:25,321 --> 00:36:26,804
Her king
633
00:36:26,805 --> 00:36:29,496
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
634
00:36:29,497 --> 00:36:31,775
la, la, la, la, la
635
00:36:34,364 --> 00:36:37,090
We better back up, Matt.
We're in the splash zone.
636
00:36:37,091 --> 00:36:39,057
Spread your legs
and grab your ankles
637
00:36:39,058 --> 00:36:41,543
la, la, la, la, la
638
00:36:41,544 --> 00:36:44,926
Away in a manger
639
00:36:55,972 --> 00:36:58,388
Just rail me, merry gentlemen
640
00:37:00,735 --> 00:37:02,979
I'll grind on top
and I won't stop
641
00:37:05,775 --> 00:37:07,155
What's a bussy?
642
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,711
Skip to the end!
643
00:37:12,022 --> 00:37:13,748
On the 12th day of Christmas
644
00:37:15,785 --> 00:37:16,957
Twelve drummers drumming
645
00:37:16,958 --> 00:37:18,442
Eleven vodka tampons
646
00:37:18,443 --> 00:37:19,581
Ten lords a-leaping
647
00:37:19,582 --> 00:37:20,823
Nine lines of cocaine
648
00:37:20,824 --> 00:37:21,962
Eight maids a-milking
649
00:37:21,963 --> 00:37:23,343
Seven hookers sucking
650
00:37:23,344 --> 00:37:24,758
Six geese a-laying
651
00:37:24,759 --> 00:37:28,969
Five gold cock rings
652
00:37:28,970 --> 00:37:30,281
Four calling birds
653
00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:31,317
Three big shits
654
00:37:31,318 --> 00:37:32,525
Two turtledoves
655
00:37:32,526 --> 00:37:33,527
And a...
656
00:37:36,944 --> 00:37:38,152
Ooh!
657
00:37:50,026 --> 00:37:52,717
That was the
most inappropriate,
658
00:37:52,718 --> 00:37:55,341
disgusting, puerile performance
659
00:37:55,342 --> 00:37:59,345
in the history of the ball!
660
00:37:59,346 --> 00:38:01,520
And I'm gagging for more!
661
00:38:04,627 --> 00:38:07,180
Oh! I might as well
just call it now.
662
00:38:07,181 --> 00:38:11,599
The Broads win the
entire carol battle!
663
00:38:13,532 --> 00:38:14,878
Oh!
664
00:38:17,916 --> 00:38:21,125
- Everybody!
- Okay!
665
00:38:21,126 --> 00:38:23,541
Ladies, I think it's
time to wrap it up.
666
00:38:23,542 --> 00:38:24,680
Oh, no!
667
00:38:24,681 --> 00:38:26,268
Yes, you guys!
668
00:38:26,269 --> 00:38:27,649
We have to practice.
669
00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:29,376
So get some rest
for tomorrow, okay?
670
00:38:30,584 --> 00:38:32,688
You too, Hazel.
I'm gonna close up.
671
00:38:32,689 --> 00:38:35,519
- Mm, well, goodnight.
- Goodnight.
672
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:37,106
Rest? I have to go
to work now.
673
00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:40,490
- She should close up shop.
- Come on, girls.
674
00:38:42,561 --> 00:38:45,667
Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
675
00:38:45,668 --> 00:38:47,704
So I guess I'm too
late for a nightcap?
676
00:38:54,401 --> 00:38:56,263
So what's a girl
from the Gobi Desert doing
677
00:38:56,264 --> 00:38:57,783
in a town like this?
678
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:01,510
You have any...
679
00:39:01,511 --> 00:39:02,925
Gobi boyfriends?
680
00:39:02,926 --> 00:39:04,962
Oh, no, no.
681
00:39:04,963 --> 00:39:06,378
I'm sort of married to my job.
682
00:39:09,623 --> 00:39:11,555
I feel that.
683
00:39:11,556 --> 00:39:15,628
I've also thrown myself
into my job ever since...
684
00:39:15,629 --> 00:39:17,802
the accident.-
685
00:39:17,803 --> 00:39:20,046
- She was my wife.
686
00:39:20,047 --> 00:39:22,876
Oh, we don't have to talk
about this if you don't want to.
687
00:39:22,877 --> 00:39:26,742
It was December.
A day like any other.
688
00:39:26,743 --> 00:39:29,918
Except it was the
day my wife died.
689
00:39:29,919 --> 00:39:32,817
There I was, watching her
leave for her job
690
00:39:32,818 --> 00:39:35,511
as the town's
clock tower technician.
691
00:39:36,443 --> 00:39:38,340
Aw!
692
00:39:38,341 --> 00:39:41,343
She knew that
clock inside and out.
693
00:39:41,344 --> 00:39:46,831
AM... and PM.
694
00:39:46,832 --> 00:39:49,938
It was supposed to be a
routine maintenance job.
695
00:39:49,939 --> 00:39:52,112
Loosening of a bolt here.
696
00:39:52,113 --> 00:39:55,599
Straightening of a hand there.
697
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,326
Just like every
other inspection.
698
00:39:59,327 --> 00:40:01,294
Except it was the one
that killed my wife.
699
00:40:01,295 --> 00:40:02,778
Again, if this is
too touchy for you...
700
00:40:02,779 --> 00:40:04,608
She was mangled.
701
00:40:04,609 --> 00:40:08,715
Sucked into the gears like
a piece of saltwater taffy.
702
00:40:08,716 --> 00:40:11,408
Her bones crushed
by the pendulum.
703
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:14,065
Her head...
704
00:40:14,066 --> 00:40:18,311
popping open from the
sheer force of the pulleys.
705
00:40:18,312 --> 00:40:22,246
You ever try wiping
brain matter off a giant bell?
706
00:40:22,247 --> 00:40:23,627
No, I haven't.
707
00:40:23,628 --> 00:40:26,907
That's because your wife
didn't die in a clocktower!
708
00:40:33,672 --> 00:40:36,709
She was so dead.
709
00:40:36,710 --> 00:40:40,540
Deader than print journalism.
710
00:40:40,541 --> 00:40:43,681
Her body so...
711
00:40:43,682 --> 00:40:47,858
mangled by the gears,
so stiff with...
712
00:40:47,859 --> 00:40:51,137
rigor mortis.
713
00:40:51,138 --> 00:40:53,174
It was impossible to get out.
714
00:40:55,004 --> 00:40:58,696
So now every time I look up...
715
00:40:58,697 --> 00:41:01,286
I know the exact time she died.
716
00:41:07,603 --> 00:41:10,674
Wow.
717
00:41:10,675 --> 00:41:14,194
I never told anyone that before.
718
00:41:14,195 --> 00:41:16,818
Except everyone in town
who watched it happen.
719
00:41:16,819 --> 00:41:18,613
Yeah.
720
00:41:18,614 --> 00:41:20,304
- You look just like her.
- Oh...
721
00:41:20,305 --> 00:41:22,376
Would you ever consider
wearing a blonde wig?
722
00:41:23,550 --> 00:41:25,689
Sorry.
723
00:41:25,690 --> 00:41:26,931
Olivia, darling,
724
00:41:26,932 --> 00:41:29,831
why are you not
answering my phone calls?
725
00:41:29,832 --> 00:41:31,971
Were you eaten by
dogs or something?
726
00:41:31,972 --> 00:41:33,800
- Sorry, bitch.
- This mailbox is full.
727
00:41:33,801 --> 00:41:35,664
It better not be.
728
00:41:35,665 --> 00:41:37,217
Making room for more messages.
729
00:41:37,218 --> 00:41:39,876
You ain't gotta be all extra.
Good, thank you.
730
00:41:42,534 --> 00:41:46,296
Never send a reporter
to do an editor's job.
731
00:41:51,370 --> 00:41:53,924
What were we even
laughing about?
732
00:41:53,925 --> 00:41:55,616
Can't even remember!
733
00:41:58,481 --> 00:42:02,864
So, what about you?
You have any family?
734
00:42:02,865 --> 00:42:04,935
Oh, um...
735
00:42:04,936 --> 00:42:07,524
I don't really talk
about my family that much.
736
00:42:07,525 --> 00:42:10,527
Is that because they
died in a clock tower?
737
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,046
No, uh...
738
00:42:13,047 --> 00:42:15,222
I just don't think they
ever really wanted me.
739
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:21,296
Hey, um, what's that?
740
00:42:21,297 --> 00:42:25,058
Oh, that's Mayor Coont
30 years ago.
741
00:42:25,059 --> 00:42:29,235
She was the best winter queen
this town ever had.
742
00:42:29,236 --> 00:42:31,340
Who's that
standing behind her?
743
00:42:31,341 --> 00:42:34,102
That's her sister, Marianne.
744
00:42:34,103 --> 00:42:35,724
She used to write
for the local paper,
745
00:42:35,725 --> 00:42:39,003
but nobody ever
read her articles.
746
00:42:39,004 --> 00:42:41,212
It's sad, really.
747
00:42:41,213 --> 00:42:44,491
She was always living
in the Mayor's shadow.
748
00:42:44,492 --> 00:42:45,908
Was?
749
00:42:49,152 --> 00:42:52,189
Nobody ever knew
what happened to her.
750
00:42:52,190 --> 00:42:53,224
Oh.
751
00:42:53,225 --> 00:42:55,538
She went missing
on that very day.
752
00:43:02,545 --> 00:43:04,547
- Well, it's getting late.
- Yeah.
753
00:43:08,240 --> 00:43:10,001
Hey.
754
00:43:11,105 --> 00:43:13,280
Maybe I could take you out
for that coffee sometime.
755
00:43:15,144 --> 00:43:16,420
And don't worry.
756
00:43:16,421 --> 00:43:19,906
I won't talk about my dead wife.
757
00:43:19,907 --> 00:43:21,081
Too much.
758
00:43:24,222 --> 00:43:26,086
I'll think about it.
759
00:43:38,581 --> 00:43:40,134
Yeah, I'll just let myself out.
760
00:43:42,274 --> 00:43:43,758
Three minutes left in the
Tree Lighting Challenge,
761
00:43:43,759 --> 00:43:45,414
and this competition
is heating up
762
00:43:45,415 --> 00:43:47,485
faster than my
wife's undercarriage.
763
00:43:47,486 --> 00:43:51,317
Mm, and trust me,
that is pretty fast.
764
00:43:51,318 --> 00:43:54,632
And how would you
know that, Matt?
765
00:44:01,155 --> 00:44:02,466
- Oh.
- Oh.
766
00:44:02,467 --> 00:44:03,674
- Oh.
- Oh!
767
00:44:03,675 --> 00:44:05,158
Bea, that's our tree?
768
00:44:05,159 --> 00:44:06,504
Yeah, and you might wanna
grab it
769
00:44:06,505 --> 00:44:09,059
before the hospital
realizes it's missing.
770
00:44:09,060 --> 00:44:11,889
Get it!
Uh, ladies?
771
00:44:11,890 --> 00:44:14,064
Look at Kittenheel Court.
772
00:44:14,065 --> 00:44:16,826
Yoo-hoo!
Get a load of this, girls!
773
00:44:21,210 --> 00:44:23,004
You know, I think we're
going to need more lights.
774
00:44:23,005 --> 00:44:24,178
Yeah.
775
00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:27,111
I have an idea.
776
00:44:27,112 --> 00:44:31,426
Oh, good.
Where are you going?
777
00:44:31,427 --> 00:44:34,187
- Bertram!
- We only have a few minutes.
778
00:44:34,188 --> 00:44:38,882
Mmmwah! Ah ha... oh!
Oh, no!
779
00:44:38,883 --> 00:44:43,127
Ah, I feel so safe
with you, Bertram.
780
00:44:43,128 --> 00:44:45,613
Oh, oh, oh...
781
00:44:48,030 --> 00:44:52,274
That's why I trusted you
782
00:44:52,275 --> 00:44:56,693
to keep the crown in your bank.
Ooh, yeah!
783
00:44:56,694 --> 00:44:58,730
Shh, shh, shh!
784
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:03,423
Oh, ladies, that
looks a lot better.
785
00:45:03,424 --> 00:45:05,081
It's like Rockefeller Center.
786
00:45:06,669 --> 00:45:09,153
But you know, this tree's
still missing a certain...
787
00:45:09,154 --> 00:45:10,948
je ne sais quoi.
788
00:45:10,949 --> 00:45:12,881
Oh, I know!
789
00:45:12,882 --> 00:45:15,850
We don't have a
star for the top.
790
00:45:15,851 --> 00:45:18,059
I have another idea.
791
00:45:18,060 --> 00:45:20,371
Oh.
792
00:45:20,372 --> 00:45:22,858
And now for the final judging.
793
00:45:33,040 --> 00:45:35,629
Oh!
794
00:45:44,672 --> 00:45:46,364
Get her, Jane.
795
00:45:52,853 --> 00:45:58,756
Ave Maria
796
00:46:07,557 --> 00:46:13,425
something Latin
797
00:46:35,068 --> 00:46:36,414
We need to talk.
798
00:46:37,449 --> 00:46:40,176
We are saving this inn!
799
00:46:44,146 --> 00:46:46,319
Girls, tonight, for
the rest of the night,
800
00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:48,357
all drinks are on me.
801
00:46:51,187 --> 00:46:53,672
I got you, girl!
I got you!
802
00:47:00,024 --> 00:47:02,336
So I was thinking
about that coffee.
803
00:47:07,721 --> 00:47:10,930
Maggie's phone.
This is Hazel speaking?
804
00:47:10,931 --> 00:47:13,657
Who the hell is Maggie?
805
00:47:13,658 --> 00:47:15,452
Hazel?
Hazel, what are you doing?
806
00:47:15,453 --> 00:47:17,040
Oh, I'm just
talking to some woman
807
00:47:17,041 --> 00:47:18,765
that's trapped
inside your phone.
808
00:47:18,766 --> 00:47:20,837
I'm her boss.
809
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:21,872
- Oh!
- What?
810
00:47:21,873 --> 00:47:23,149
No, no, girls, look.
811
00:47:23,150 --> 00:47:25,221
It's Maggie's boss
from the journal factory!
812
00:47:29,156 --> 00:47:32,538
Maggie's the best!
813
00:47:32,539 --> 00:47:34,678
Hannah, I'm just gonna go
over that journal protoype.
814
00:47:34,679 --> 00:47:38,130
It just... it has a gun in it.
815
00:47:38,131 --> 00:47:41,236
Oh, I love guns!
816
00:47:41,237 --> 00:47:42,548
Olivia, tell me, darling,
817
00:47:42,549 --> 00:47:45,378
does my limo have
a toilet in it?
818
00:47:45,379 --> 00:47:46,586
Not that I know of.
819
00:47:46,587 --> 00:47:48,071
Then why did
you send me something
820
00:47:48,072 --> 00:47:50,625
I could wipe my ass with?
821
00:47:50,626 --> 00:47:52,903
It's a new take on the exposé.
822
00:47:52,904 --> 00:47:56,596
It's... it's strong women coming
together against all odds.
823
00:47:56,597 --> 00:47:59,496
You were supposed
to find me gossip.
824
00:47:59,497 --> 00:48:03,327
You were supposed to
find me that crown.
825
00:48:03,328 --> 00:48:05,502
But, if you'd rather make
friends with a bunch of
826
00:48:05,503 --> 00:48:10,300
overgrown orangutans,
then be my guest.
827
00:48:10,301 --> 00:48:14,649
I guess that promotion
is going up in flames.
828
00:48:14,650 --> 00:48:17,410
I'm hanging up.
No, wait, wait, wait.
829
00:48:17,411 --> 00:48:20,172
I know where the
crown is hiding.
830
00:48:20,173 --> 00:48:23,796
It's in a vault,
locked in a bank.
831
00:48:23,797 --> 00:48:25,556
And I have the code.
832
00:48:25,557 --> 00:48:27,765
- How do you know that?
- I eavesdropped on the mayor
833
00:48:27,766 --> 00:48:30,009
having an affair with
the banker.
834
00:48:30,010 --> 00:48:31,666
Well, well, well.
835
00:48:31,667 --> 00:48:34,117
It looks like
this town's grapevine
836
00:48:34,118 --> 00:48:36,914
just got a whole lot juicier.
837
00:48:38,743 --> 00:48:42,435
I've changed my mind.
Don't worry about the crown.
838
00:48:42,436 --> 00:48:45,024
Focus on rewriting the exposé.
839
00:48:45,025 --> 00:48:49,546
But I want something
that grabs me by the labia
840
00:48:49,547 --> 00:48:51,513
and makes me wanna listen.
841
00:48:51,514 --> 00:48:56,035
Uh, uh, uh, cheating
husbands, slutty mayors.
842
00:48:56,036 --> 00:48:58,486
Those ugly friends of yours.
843
00:48:58,487 --> 00:49:01,627
The Broads?
No, no, they're great.
844
00:49:01,628 --> 00:49:03,732
They're... they're like the
"Sex and the City" girls.
845
00:49:03,733 --> 00:49:06,081
Yeah, if the city
were Chernobyl.
846
00:49:07,323 --> 00:49:09,186
Hey, just curious.
847
00:49:09,187 --> 00:49:12,569
What is the code
to that crown vault?
848
00:49:12,570 --> 00:49:15,813
Oh, it... it's just 80085.
Why?
849
00:49:15,814 --> 00:49:16,883
No reason.
850
00:49:16,884 --> 00:49:19,886
Hey listen, I'm
getting another call.
851
00:49:19,887 --> 00:49:24,719
Just have that exposé in
my email tomorrow morning...
852
00:49:24,720 --> 00:49:30,070
and that promotion is yours.
853
00:49:32,590 --> 00:49:34,419
You can come out now.
854
00:49:36,939 --> 00:49:39,044
You're the private
investigator I called.
855
00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:42,116
Mr. E at your service.
856
00:49:42,117 --> 00:49:44,014
Her name is Maggie Zeen.
857
00:49:44,015 --> 00:49:46,672
Something about her
doesn't sit right with me.
858
00:49:46,673 --> 00:49:49,468
So you think
someone murdered her.
859
00:49:49,469 --> 00:49:51,504
What? No, she's alive.
860
00:49:51,505 --> 00:49:55,198
Lady, I specialize
in homicide.
861
00:49:55,199 --> 00:49:56,889
Dead girls, mostly.
862
00:49:56,890 --> 00:50:00,824
I can find a dead girl
in a quarry, or a stream,
863
00:50:00,825 --> 00:50:05,794
or an oil drum floating
down a cranberry bog.
864
00:50:05,795 --> 00:50:07,900
I just need you
to look into her.
865
00:50:07,901 --> 00:50:09,384
Dig around, find any...
866
00:50:09,385 --> 00:50:11,938
Semen inside her?
867
00:50:11,939 --> 00:50:13,457
No.
868
00:50:13,458 --> 00:50:17,185
She's at the Tuck'd Inn
right now, as in not dead?
869
00:50:17,186 --> 00:50:18,738
She's dead.
870
00:50:18,739 --> 00:50:20,775
And she's with all
these other women.
871
00:50:20,776 --> 00:50:23,571
Oh my, we're talking
about a serial killer.
872
00:50:23,572 --> 00:50:25,780
None of them are dead.
873
00:50:25,781 --> 00:50:30,785
Dead girls at an inn.
Got it.
874
00:50:30,786 --> 00:50:32,338
Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
875
00:50:32,339 --> 00:50:34,685
Go down there,
shine my black light,
876
00:50:34,686 --> 00:50:39,587
hopefully find enough semen
to crack this case wide open.
877
00:50:39,588 --> 00:50:43,832
You can't just walk in there.
You look like a detective.
878
00:50:43,833 --> 00:50:47,422
Oh yeah?
What's that supposed to mean?
879
00:50:47,423 --> 00:50:48,975
You'll need a disguise,
880
00:50:48,976 --> 00:50:52,220
something to blend in
with these women.
881
00:50:52,221 --> 00:50:54,981
Lady, I'm a detective.
882
00:50:54,982 --> 00:50:59,469
All I wear is a badge and
an alcohol-soaked jacket
883
00:50:59,470 --> 00:51:02,817
that screams my son died
in a car wreck.
884
00:51:02,818 --> 00:51:04,889
I think I might
have something.
885
00:51:11,344 --> 00:51:12,655
I just came home.
886
00:51:15,865 --> 00:51:18,557
All night, Olivia
typed, tangled up in her sheets,
887
00:51:18,558 --> 00:51:22,388
with a focus on the Broads
for her new smear piece.
888
00:51:22,389 --> 00:51:26,220
They were ugly, with
no sense of style.
889
00:51:26,221 --> 00:51:30,051
Did I mention they
were really ugly?
890
00:51:30,052 --> 00:51:32,572
Damn, I hate how good this is.
891
00:51:34,263 --> 00:51:36,575
- Uh...
- Knock knock!
892
00:51:36,576 --> 00:51:39,681
Room service!
893
00:51:39,682 --> 00:51:41,890
Did somebody order up
the best friend special?
894
00:51:41,891 --> 00:51:43,858
Oh girls, I'm
not really dressed!
895
00:51:43,859 --> 00:51:47,033
We wanted to find you
before the Winter Feast today
896
00:51:47,034 --> 00:51:48,552
and give you a little gift
897
00:51:48,553 --> 00:51:50,969
for all the
ways you've been helping us.
898
00:51:51,901 --> 00:51:53,971
- It's an...
- It's an ornament.
899
00:51:53,972 --> 00:51:56,905
You know, a symbol
of our friendship.
900
00:51:56,906 --> 00:51:59,943
You know how we would never
betray or lie to each other?
901
00:51:59,944 --> 00:52:02,290
And the glass represents
how transparent
902
00:52:02,291 --> 00:52:03,636
we've all been with each other.
903
00:52:03,637 --> 00:52:05,051
And it's broken to represent
904
00:52:05,052 --> 00:52:07,433
how if one of us stabs
the rest of us in the back,
905
00:52:07,434 --> 00:52:10,850
it would just break our hearts
into a million little pieces.
906
00:52:10,851 --> 00:52:13,267
Just get out...
907
00:52:13,268 --> 00:52:14,751
Wha...
908
00:52:14,752 --> 00:52:18,064
In that moment,
Olivia's blood ran cold.
909
00:52:18,065 --> 00:52:20,378
Did they find out her secret?
Only the...
910
00:52:21,414 --> 00:52:23,656
Okay, now who is that?
911
00:52:23,657 --> 00:52:26,453
Charo!
912
00:52:28,593 --> 00:52:31,077
That we are in the
same neighborhood! Woo!
913
00:52:31,078 --> 00:52:33,701
Charo, we don't live
in the same neighborhood.
914
00:52:33,702 --> 00:52:37,705
I am in a cabin in the middle
of the goddamn mountains.
915
00:52:37,706 --> 00:52:42,882
Please, please, please?
916
00:52:42,883 --> 00:52:44,850
Mucho, mucho, mucho!
Por favor?
917
00:52:44,851 --> 00:52:46,265
You want to sing me a song?
918
00:52:46,266 --> 00:52:48,612
Claro.
919
00:52:48,613 --> 00:52:50,131
You know what I want?
920
00:52:50,132 --> 00:52:53,445
I want people to call before
they come and visit me.
921
00:52:53,446 --> 00:52:55,240
But that's not
gonna happen, is it?
922
00:52:55,241 --> 00:52:56,551
No, surprise.
923
00:52:56,552 --> 00:52:58,864
So, sientate.
Sit next to Kim Petras.
924
00:52:58,865 --> 00:53:00,797
And I'd like to wrap
up this story, okay?
925
00:53:00,798 --> 00:53:02,074
- Okay.
- Okay.
926
00:53:02,075 --> 00:53:03,041
Okay.
927
00:53:03,042 --> 00:53:04,318
It's getting
pretty good, yeah.
928
00:53:04,319 --> 00:53:05,905
- Very good.
- Yeah.
929
00:53:05,906 --> 00:53:09,115
Okay, now, where were we?
930
00:53:09,116 --> 00:53:11,911
Right.
931
00:53:11,912 --> 00:53:15,984
Did you really think
you could fool us?
932
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:19,712
Oh my god.
How did you find out?
933
00:53:19,713 --> 00:53:21,749
What? That we
disturbed Maggie Zeen
934
00:53:21,750 --> 00:53:23,579
flicking the old Maggie bean?
935
00:53:25,857 --> 00:53:27,996
You got it! You got me!
936
00:53:27,997 --> 00:53:30,206
Come on, girls,
let her whip up a bowl
937
00:53:30,207 --> 00:53:32,174
of... chili in piece.
938
00:53:33,658 --> 00:53:35,695
And now you know why
that mattress is so wet.
939
00:53:37,490 --> 00:53:39,249
Circular motions or mixed?
940
00:53:39,250 --> 00:53:41,666
- Do you need a hand?
- 'Cause I watched some videos.
941
00:53:48,501 --> 00:53:50,916
What were we even
laughing about?
942
00:53:50,917 --> 00:53:52,505
I literally can
never remember.
943
00:53:54,714 --> 00:53:56,853
Here, I got you something.
944
00:53:56,854 --> 00:53:58,304
Oh, good, another present.
945
00:53:59,684 --> 00:54:03,411
Oh, oh, thank god.
It's just some old newspaper.
946
00:54:03,412 --> 00:54:05,413
Oh, no, I just
wrapped it in that.
947
00:54:05,414 --> 00:54:08,623
It's actually an ornament that
represents our relationship.
948
00:54:08,624 --> 00:54:13,835
Oh. I'll open it later.
949
00:54:13,836 --> 00:54:16,252
Hey, what is this article?
950
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,356
I don't know.
951
00:54:17,357 --> 00:54:18,840
I found it in the
mayor's office.
952
00:54:18,841 --> 00:54:20,395
Now it's all dirty.
953
00:54:27,333 --> 00:54:28,540
Um...
954
00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,751
"The mayor's
sister, Marianne..."
955
00:54:32,752 --> 00:54:34,925
Hey, I thought their name
was "Coont," not "Urcoont."
956
00:54:34,926 --> 00:54:35,995
It was.
957
00:54:35,996 --> 00:54:37,929
The mayor changed
it for the campaign.
958
00:54:39,862 --> 00:54:41,587
It's funny how some
people think they can get ahead
959
00:54:41,588 --> 00:54:43,590
just by changing
their whole identity.
960
00:54:47,698 --> 00:54:49,837
Russ, there's something
I have to tell you.
961
00:54:49,838 --> 00:54:52,185
Shhhh!
962
00:54:54,601 --> 00:54:57,362
You don't even need to say it.
963
00:54:57,363 --> 00:55:00,537
I'm falling in
love with you too.
964
00:55:00,538 --> 00:55:02,539
Oh!
965
00:55:02,540 --> 00:55:07,752
And... I know it feels wrong to
say in front of my dead wife...
966
00:55:13,240 --> 00:55:15,656
but these last three days
have opened my eyes
967
00:55:15,657 --> 00:55:18,452
to what love looks like.
968
00:55:18,453 --> 00:55:21,903
Real love, not dead wife love.
969
00:55:21,904 --> 00:55:25,805
Oh, Russ.
I'm not who I say I am.
970
00:55:28,704 --> 00:55:30,395
What was that?
971
00:55:30,396 --> 00:55:33,330
Oh, um, I was just
saying that I'm not Maggie.
972
00:55:35,435 --> 00:55:38,058
- What were you saying?
- I've been lying to you.
973
00:55:40,475 --> 00:55:41,890
I'm an undercover reporter.
974
00:55:44,133 --> 00:55:45,963
My name's Olivia St. LaPelle,
and I...
975
00:55:47,896 --> 00:55:50,036
This isn't even my real hair.
976
00:55:57,112 --> 00:55:59,907
I have no idea
what you just said.
977
00:55:59,908 --> 00:56:04,221
All I know is that
I love you, Maggie Zeen.
978
00:56:04,222 --> 00:56:06,466
I love you too!
979
00:56:23,103 --> 00:56:28,176
Uh, hi.
I would like a room, please.
980
00:56:28,177 --> 00:56:33,389
Um, if possible,
next to Maggie Zeen.
981
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:35,874
This broad knows Maggie?
982
00:56:35,875 --> 00:56:38,497
You look a little funny to me.
983
00:56:38,498 --> 00:56:41,293
- I do?
- Yes.
984
00:56:41,294 --> 00:56:45,504
You're a suspiciously
tall woman.
985
00:56:45,505 --> 00:56:47,679
Who did you say
you were again?
986
00:56:47,680 --> 00:56:49,405
Oh, I'm...
987
00:56:49,406 --> 00:56:52,166
um...
988
00:56:52,167 --> 00:56:54,582
Inn...
989
00:56:54,583 --> 00:56:58,448
vest...
990
00:56:58,449 --> 00:57:00,899
tigator.
991
00:57:00,900 --> 00:57:02,901
An investigator?
992
00:57:02,902 --> 00:57:04,799
Oh, shit.
993
00:57:04,800 --> 00:57:07,907
Oh! Like you invest
in the reptiles!
994
00:57:09,598 --> 00:57:12,808
Why didn't you say so
in the first place, girl?
995
00:57:13,844 --> 00:57:15,880
- Faster.
- Oh.
996
00:57:33,242 --> 00:57:35,278
Definitely...
997
00:57:35,279 --> 00:57:39,316
Ooh, a lot of semen.
998
00:57:39,317 --> 00:57:41,733
Naughty business, huh?
999
00:57:41,734 --> 00:57:44,252
Ah!
1000
00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:46,979
Well, well, well.
1001
00:57:46,980 --> 00:57:49,568
"Olivia St. LaPelle."
1002
00:57:49,569 --> 00:57:52,640
That's not your name.
1003
00:57:52,641 --> 00:57:54,574
Busted!
1004
00:58:02,789 --> 00:58:08,414
Delia? Yeah,
I think I got something.
1005
00:58:08,415 --> 00:58:10,831
Now, the Christmas Feast is
one of the most nerve-wracking
1006
00:58:10,832 --> 00:58:12,971
challenges in the Winter Ball.
1007
00:58:12,972 --> 00:58:15,387
And Mayor Coont never
says what she's thinking,
1008
00:58:15,388 --> 00:58:17,907
but there are a
few telltale signs.
1009
00:58:17,908 --> 00:58:21,290
If she raises an
eyebrow, she likes it.
1010
00:58:25,916 --> 00:58:27,157
- Yep.
- She likes it.
1011
00:58:27,158 --> 00:58:28,849
And if she purses her lips, ooh!
1012
00:58:28,850 --> 00:58:31,059
It's awful.
1013
00:58:34,925 --> 00:58:36,546
Yuck!
1014
00:58:36,547 --> 00:58:40,517
And if she scratches her head,
it's because she has eczema.
1015
00:58:42,553 --> 00:58:45,038
Careful, honey, it's heavy.
1016
00:58:56,843 --> 00:58:58,465
I'll take seconds.
1017
00:59:01,538 --> 00:59:02,883
- Oh!
- What?
1018
00:59:02,884 --> 00:59:05,023
For the first time in
Winter Ball history,
1019
00:59:05,024 --> 00:59:07,853
the mayor is getting seconds!
1020
00:59:07,854 --> 00:59:09,960
Yay, I love this part!
1021
00:59:12,790 --> 00:59:16,655
Well, what's a Christmas
feast without a little toast?
1022
00:59:16,656 --> 00:59:19,072
To the Downtown Broads.
1023
00:59:21,661 --> 00:59:23,662
Oh, let's not forget
their incomparable leader,
1024
00:59:23,663 --> 00:59:24,870
Maggie Zeen.
1025
00:59:24,871 --> 00:59:26,528
Let's hear it for
Maggie Zeen, y'all!
1026
00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:35,743
Or should I say,
Olivia St. LaPelle.
1027
00:59:35,744 --> 00:59:38,366
Olivia St... LaWho?
1028
00:59:38,367 --> 00:59:41,646
Your little leader is actually
an undercover journalist.
1029
00:59:41,647 --> 00:59:43,371
What?
1030
00:59:43,372 --> 00:59:44,614
A journalist?
1031
00:59:44,615 --> 00:59:46,374
She makes journals.
1032
00:59:46,375 --> 00:59:47,721
Yeah.
1033
00:59:47,722 --> 00:59:51,760
No, she's a reporter
writing an exposé on Tuckahoe!
1034
00:59:56,903 --> 01:00:00,872
"It's fitting that
I, Olivia, not Maggie,
1035
01:00:00,873 --> 01:00:03,391
"pretended to lead
them to victory.
1036
01:00:03,392 --> 01:00:05,808
"After all, I can't
imagine a more fitting street
1037
01:00:05,809 --> 01:00:07,879
"to exemplify Tuckahoe,
1038
01:00:07,880 --> 01:00:11,054
"a back-alley cesspool
of fugly-ass skanks
1039
01:00:11,055 --> 01:00:13,022
"with no discernable talent.
1040
01:00:13,023 --> 01:00:15,784
And oh yeah, they
also smelled like shit."
1041
01:00:18,649 --> 01:00:20,133
Damn, that's good!
1042
01:00:22,688 --> 01:00:24,654
Maggie? Is this true?
1043
01:00:24,655 --> 01:00:27,761
Russ, this is what I was
trying to tell you earlier.
1044
01:00:27,762 --> 01:00:30,349
And now you're gaslighting me?
1045
01:00:30,350 --> 01:00:32,456
Are you even from
the Gobi Desert?
1046
01:00:36,667 --> 01:00:41,878
If these allegations are true,
the Downtown Broads will be
1047
01:00:41,879 --> 01:00:47,367
immediately eliminated
from this ball. Well?
1048
01:00:50,923 --> 01:00:51,923
They're true.
1049
01:00:55,513 --> 01:00:56,860
They're all true.
1050
01:00:58,378 --> 01:01:00,172
That was a wig?
1051
01:01:00,173 --> 01:01:06,007
Maggie Zeen, your
team is disqualified!
1052
01:01:07,146 --> 01:01:09,388
Girls!
Girls, I'm so sorry!
1053
01:01:09,389 --> 01:01:13,979
No.
You don't come near us.
1054
01:01:13,980 --> 01:01:16,533
You were never a Broad.
1055
01:01:16,534 --> 01:01:18,122
You're just a bitch.
1056
01:01:19,848 --> 01:01:22,160
Boo!
1057
01:01:22,161 --> 01:01:25,405
Wow. I guess print journalism
really is dead!
1058
01:01:37,866 --> 01:01:40,074
Oh, hi.
1059
01:01:40,075 --> 01:01:42,801
I'm here to open an account.
1060
01:01:42,802 --> 01:01:44,286
Mind if I light up?
1061
01:01:48,635 --> 01:01:53,709
Oh, and, uh, by the way,
this isn't a deposit.
1062
01:01:53,710 --> 01:01:56,954
It's a withdrawal.
1063
01:02:02,788 --> 01:02:06,930
80085-pound-enter.
1064
01:02:41,240 --> 01:02:45,174
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
1065
01:02:45,175 --> 01:02:47,728
If the crown fits...
1066
01:02:47,729 --> 01:02:49,524
take it.
1067
01:02:54,874 --> 01:02:57,773
As Hannah hatched
her plan and snatched the crown,
1068
01:02:57,774 --> 01:03:02,606
Olivia packed her bags and said
goodbye to that little town.
1069
01:03:08,094 --> 01:03:10,234
Getting on?
1070
01:03:23,178 --> 01:03:25,490
You're not a regular
bus driver, are you?
1071
01:03:25,491 --> 01:03:28,907
Of course not, hon!
I'm the spirit of Christmas.
1072
01:03:28,908 --> 01:03:32,600
So are you gonna take me
to scenes from my past and...
1073
01:03:32,601 --> 01:03:34,982
hopefully change my
perspective about Christmas?
1074
01:03:34,983 --> 01:03:37,502
You're about
to see all the moments
1075
01:03:37,503 --> 01:03:40,850
that made you who you are,
Madelyn.
1076
01:03:40,851 --> 01:03:43,749
Madelyn? Who's Madelyn?
1077
01:03:43,750 --> 01:03:44,889
You're not Madelyn?
1078
01:03:44,890 --> 01:03:48,755
- No, I'm Olivia.
- Shit!
1079
01:03:50,136 --> 01:03:52,344
Why, I was supposed to be
Madelyn's spirit guide tonight.
1080
01:03:52,345 --> 01:03:53,967
Where the fuck is she?
1081
01:03:53,968 --> 01:03:55,244
I, I don't... I don't know.
1082
01:03:55,245 --> 01:03:57,867
I'm... I'm sorry I can't help you.
1083
01:03:57,868 --> 01:04:03,424
Well, you look like
you're goin' through something.
1084
01:04:03,425 --> 01:04:05,771
Maybe we can work out
your stuff instead.
1085
01:04:05,772 --> 01:04:07,014
Okay, yeah, sure.
1086
01:04:07,015 --> 01:04:10,501
Hang on, baby.
1087
01:04:13,988 --> 01:04:16,852
Wow. Where are we?
1088
01:04:16,853 --> 01:04:18,889
Girl, I don't know.
This is your past.
1089
01:04:24,274 --> 01:04:25,895
Olivia!
1090
01:04:25,896 --> 01:04:28,208
You drop one more call and
you're back out on the street
1091
01:04:28,209 --> 01:04:29,899
where I found you.
1092
01:04:29,900 --> 01:04:32,591
Yes, Hannah.
1093
01:04:32,592 --> 01:04:34,593
Now I'm off
for my third lunch, baby.
1094
01:04:34,594 --> 01:04:36,906
Those articles better be
proofread and on my desk
1095
01:04:36,907 --> 01:04:39,081
by the end of the day.
1096
01:04:39,082 --> 01:04:41,807
But, isn't it Christmas?
1097
01:04:41,808 --> 01:04:45,190
Christmas?
Who cares about Christmas?
1098
01:04:45,191 --> 01:04:48,262
The one thing that's gonna make
you happy in this bankrupt world
1099
01:04:48,263 --> 01:04:50,956
is a promotion! Remember that!
1100
01:05:03,727 --> 01:05:07,523
Hey, there, girly.
Uh, what are you doing?
1101
01:05:07,524 --> 01:05:11,044
Working, like always.
1102
01:05:11,045 --> 01:05:12,390
Oh, why don't
you take a break?
1103
01:05:12,391 --> 01:05:14,600
You know, go outside,
make some friends?
1104
01:05:16,947 --> 01:05:19,259
Stop it. Stop.
1105
01:05:19,260 --> 01:05:22,089
Stop working. No...
1106
01:05:22,090 --> 01:05:23,643
Stop it! Don't...
1107
01:05:24,541 --> 01:05:27,198
Just... just look at me!
Hey!
1108
01:05:27,199 --> 01:05:30,270
It's almost as if you always
threw yourself into work because
1109
01:05:30,271 --> 01:05:33,066
that's where you
derive all your worth.
1110
01:05:33,067 --> 01:05:34,584
Come on.
1111
01:05:34,585 --> 01:05:36,621
But how was I supposed
to know any better?
1112
01:05:36,622 --> 01:05:39,693
My parents abandoned me
on a goddamn stoop.
1113
01:05:39,694 --> 01:05:41,557
It's because you didn't have
parents who accepted you that
1114
01:05:41,558 --> 01:05:46,907
you grew up thinking that
you weren't worthy of love?
1115
01:05:46,908 --> 01:05:48,322
Damn, you're good at this.
1116
01:05:48,323 --> 01:05:50,842
That's why they
pay me the big bucks.
1117
01:05:50,843 --> 01:05:52,499
Speaking of...
1118
01:05:52,500 --> 01:05:54,604
Mm-hmm, oh yeah, mm-hmm.
1119
01:05:54,605 --> 01:05:58,091
So, traveling to
the past, uh-huh.
1120
01:05:58,092 --> 01:06:01,715
Speaking to your
younger self, ah-ha.
1121
01:06:01,716 --> 01:06:06,409
And resolving some
childhood trauma, okay.
1122
01:06:06,410 --> 01:06:10,517
Comes out to... hm.
1123
01:06:10,518 --> 01:06:12,416
Guess therapy isn't
free anywhere, right?
1124
01:06:14,418 --> 01:06:16,212
Will this be debit or credit?
1125
01:06:16,213 --> 01:06:17,525
- Uh, debit.
- Okay.
1126
01:06:20,631 --> 01:06:21,770
Yo, lady?
1127
01:06:25,878 --> 01:06:28,845
One way to New York,
are you coming or not?
1128
01:06:28,846 --> 01:06:30,089
Oh.
1129
01:06:34,714 --> 01:06:36,992
Oh, I seen this look before.
1130
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:38,959
Don't tell me you got
some unfinished business to...
1131
01:06:38,960 --> 01:06:41,549
I've got some unfinished
business to take care of.
1132
01:06:45,173 --> 01:06:46,588
Excuse me?
1133
01:06:48,314 --> 01:06:51,040
Is this the Spirit of Christmas?
1134
01:06:51,041 --> 01:06:53,905
The fuck no. Who are you?
1135
01:06:53,906 --> 01:06:57,392
I'm... Madelyn?
1136
01:07:00,085 --> 01:07:01,086
Take me to the church.
1137
01:07:09,335 --> 01:07:12,303
All right, say your
goodbyes, ladies.
1138
01:07:12,304 --> 01:07:15,445
Goodbyes, ladies.
1139
01:07:17,033 --> 01:07:20,621
Wait, wait! Don't!
1140
01:07:20,622 --> 01:07:22,589
- Don't what?
- I don't know.
1141
01:07:22,590 --> 01:07:24,418
I haven't thought
past that part.
1142
01:07:24,419 --> 01:07:26,351
What are you doing here?
1143
01:07:26,352 --> 01:07:29,320
Come to stab us
in the back again?
1144
01:07:29,321 --> 01:07:32,806
Look, I came back because I
think we can still save the inn.
1145
01:07:32,807 --> 01:07:37,500
What if I told you
there is a loophole?
1146
01:07:37,501 --> 01:07:39,916
Look, it says here on
page 46, article A7...
1147
01:07:39,917 --> 01:07:42,540
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
1148
01:07:42,541 --> 01:07:45,750
You mean to tell us that you
found this book right before
1149
01:07:45,751 --> 01:07:48,547
the last challenge?
Yeah.
1150
01:07:51,791 --> 01:07:53,689
- Okay.
- Checks out, it makes sense.
1151
01:07:53,690 --> 01:07:57,865
It says, "Any team competing
in the Winter Ball can only be
1152
01:07:57,866 --> 01:08:00,696
disqualified on the
name of its leader."
1153
01:08:00,697 --> 01:08:02,249
Which means, yes, the Broads
1154
01:08:02,250 --> 01:08:04,734
were disqualified
under Maggie Zeen.
1155
01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:08,531
But we can still compete
under Olivia St. LaPelle.
1156
01:08:08,532 --> 01:08:11,570
Oh, right! Your real name.
1157
01:08:13,572 --> 01:08:14,918
You know what?
1158
01:08:17,334 --> 01:08:18,714
She's climbing it.
1159
01:08:18,715 --> 01:08:21,061
Why is she always
climbing up on everything?
1160
01:08:21,062 --> 01:08:23,512
I'm sorry I lied to you.
1161
01:08:23,513 --> 01:08:25,341
But I didn't have
any friends growing up.
1162
01:08:25,342 --> 01:08:28,413
I didn't even have any family.
1163
01:08:28,414 --> 01:08:33,211
But what I realized over this
last week is that I found both.
1164
01:08:33,212 --> 01:08:37,319
And I am not gonna let a
Pulitzer Prize-worthy exposé
1165
01:08:37,320 --> 01:08:39,873
get in the way of that.
1166
01:08:39,874 --> 01:08:44,809
Because families, honey,
we stick together.
1167
01:08:44,810 --> 01:08:47,157
Just like the boards
holding up this inn.
1168
01:08:51,851 --> 01:08:55,233
Oh, oh! Eew!
1169
01:08:55,234 --> 01:08:57,960
What kind of purgatory shit?
1170
01:08:57,961 --> 01:08:59,135
Hmph!
1171
01:09:02,483 --> 01:09:05,140
All I can say is...
1172
01:09:05,141 --> 01:09:07,832
that I choose you, ladies.
1173
01:09:07,833 --> 01:09:09,973
And all I'm asking is
that you choose me too.
1174
01:09:15,081 --> 01:09:18,946
I understand.
1175
01:09:18,947 --> 01:09:20,570
Hey, Olivia?
1176
01:09:22,813 --> 01:09:27,127
We can't compete with just four.
Come on.
1177
01:09:27,128 --> 01:09:28,680
- Really?
- Yessss!
1178
01:09:28,681 --> 01:09:31,201
Oh, thank goodness!
I missed you.
1179
01:09:37,414 --> 01:09:38,725
We are on the
final performance
1180
01:09:38,726 --> 01:09:39,967
of our Christmas pageant,
1181
01:09:39,968 --> 01:09:42,832
and it's all
been leading up to this.
1182
01:09:42,833 --> 01:09:43,937
It's Kittenheel Court performing
1183
01:09:43,938 --> 01:09:46,664
a heartfelt
interpretive dance piece,
1184
01:09:46,665 --> 01:09:50,393
"The Snow Is White and So Am I."
1185
01:10:23,840 --> 01:10:27,223
Yeah, well... and
that's it, folks.
1186
01:10:30,847 --> 01:10:33,607
Well, it appears
the Broads are back.
1187
01:10:33,608 --> 01:10:36,334
This ain't Christmas
anymore, bitch.
1188
01:10:36,335 --> 01:10:39,475
It's Sis-mas!
1189
01:10:39,476 --> 01:10:43,169
Working to the bone
1190
01:10:47,450 --> 01:10:50,901
Each December,
fighting wild dogs
1191
01:10:52,938 --> 01:10:55,457
found my broads
1192
01:10:55,458 --> 01:10:57,632
Christmas ain't about
1193
01:11:03,155 --> 01:11:07,192
You can't build a
snowman all on your own
1194
01:11:07,193 --> 01:11:11,093
without his ho, ho, hos
1195
01:11:11,094 --> 01:11:14,993
without raising hell
1196
01:11:14,994 --> 01:11:17,307
Christmas without
1197
01:11:23,209 --> 01:11:26,834
Now each season,
crashing all the fun
1198
01:11:29,077 --> 01:11:31,251
Literally, I did a
hit and run today.
1199
01:11:31,252 --> 01:11:33,149
Meow, meow, meow,
Kitti under your tree
1200
01:11:33,150 --> 01:11:35,082
my hand on your D
1201
01:11:35,083 --> 01:11:37,050
you'll catch a fist!
1202
01:11:37,051 --> 01:11:39,363
Of the naughty list
1203
01:11:39,364 --> 01:11:41,642
Christmas ain't about
1204
01:11:43,678 --> 01:11:47,094
It's a girls' night out
1205
01:11:47,095 --> 01:11:51,133
You can't build a
snowman all on your own
1206
01:11:51,134 --> 01:11:55,068
without his ho, ho, hos
1207
01:11:55,069 --> 01:11:58,934
without raising hell
1208
01:11:58,935 --> 01:12:01,351
Christmas without
1209
01:12:03,836 --> 01:12:07,218
They say I have no personality
1210
01:12:07,219 --> 01:12:11,187
mole on my thigh today
1211
01:12:11,188 --> 01:12:15,640
make it my thing
1212
01:12:15,641 --> 01:12:18,056
it's Mole Girl, yeah
1213
01:12:18,057 --> 01:12:21,301
You can't build a
snowman all on your own
1214
01:12:21,302 --> 01:12:25,029
without his ho-ho-hos
1215
01:12:25,030 --> 01:12:28,895
fire without raising hell
1216
01:12:28,896 --> 01:12:31,173
Christmas without
1217
01:12:31,174 --> 01:12:33,209
Can't spell Christmas without...
1218
01:12:33,210 --> 01:12:35,350
Can't spell Christmas without...
1219
01:12:35,351 --> 01:12:37,317
G-I-R-L
1220
01:12:37,318 --> 01:12:39,769
E!
1221
01:12:45,395 --> 01:12:46,913
That was incredible, Kreston.
1222
01:12:46,914 --> 01:12:50,572
Have you ever seen
anything so surprising?
1223
01:12:50,573 --> 01:12:52,746
Well, not since
I found some guy's hair
1224
01:12:52,747 --> 01:12:56,543
on my wife's pillow
this morning.
1225
01:12:56,544 --> 01:12:57,855
Look over there!
1226
01:12:57,856 --> 01:13:00,133
The mayor is ready
to make her decision!
1227
01:13:00,134 --> 01:13:03,275
This was an incredibly
tough decision.
1228
01:13:05,933 --> 01:13:08,349
I thought long and hard.
1229
01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:14,458
The winner of this year's
Winter Ball is...
1230
01:13:14,459 --> 01:13:16,425
The crown! It's gone!
1231
01:13:16,426 --> 01:13:17,738
Someone stole it.
1232
01:13:19,602 --> 01:13:22,155
- What!?
- No, no, no.
1233
01:13:22,156 --> 01:13:24,985
It's her!
She must've stolen it.
1234
01:13:24,986 --> 01:13:27,713
We all read her exposé.
She's obsessed with the crown!
1235
01:13:32,684 --> 01:13:35,237
- Hey, hey!
- It wasn't me, I swear!
1236
01:13:35,238 --> 01:13:37,929
Well, if you didn't
steal it, then who did?
1237
01:13:37,930 --> 01:13:39,759
Get out of Tuckahoe, you bitch!
1238
01:13:39,760 --> 01:13:41,554
But it's just a
silly little crown,
1239
01:13:41,555 --> 01:13:45,005
and not something to plan
your entire year/life around.
1240
01:13:45,006 --> 01:13:47,698
The ultimate winter accessory
1241
01:13:47,699 --> 01:13:51,702
that will have the world reading
this exposé.
1242
01:13:51,703 --> 01:13:53,186
She used to write
for the local paper,
1243
01:13:53,187 --> 01:13:56,086
but nobody ever
read her articles.
1244
01:14:05,199 --> 01:14:07,443
It was her!
Hannah Contour!
1245
01:14:09,686 --> 01:14:14,622
Also known as
Marianne Urcoont.
1246
01:14:16,244 --> 01:14:18,936
Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
1247
01:14:18,937 --> 01:14:21,870
My sister!?
1248
01:14:21,871 --> 01:14:23,354
That's right.
1249
01:14:23,355 --> 01:14:26,012
I should've known it when
I saw her name in the paper!
1250
01:14:26,013 --> 01:14:28,981
"Urcoont" is anagram
for "Contour"!
1251
01:14:31,121 --> 01:14:35,331
So, you finally
figured it out.
1252
01:14:35,332 --> 01:14:36,955
Bravo.
1253
01:14:39,889 --> 01:14:43,168
Aren't you the smart one?
1254
01:14:45,411 --> 01:14:50,105
I knew only you
could sniff out the crown.
1255
01:14:50,106 --> 01:14:53,418
And when I learned you found out
1256
01:14:53,419 --> 01:14:56,180
the code for the vault
1257
01:14:56,181 --> 01:15:00,875
after spying on Mayor Coont
and Bertram's affair...
1258
01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:03,636
Bertram?
1259
01:15:03,637 --> 01:15:05,154
An affair?
1260
01:15:05,155 --> 01:15:08,123
I knew what I had to do.
1261
01:15:08,124 --> 01:15:10,160
Oh!
1262
01:15:11,990 --> 01:15:16,062
There's still one thing
that I haven't figured out.
1263
01:15:16,063 --> 01:15:17,339
Why?
1264
01:15:17,340 --> 01:15:21,412
I needed to sell the crown
so I could save "Gorge."
1265
01:15:21,413 --> 01:15:22,931
Save it?
1266
01:15:22,932 --> 01:15:28,453
The magazine's been
failing for years and years.
1267
01:15:28,454 --> 01:15:31,491
Print journalism is dead.
1268
01:15:31,492 --> 01:15:32,837
Everything's online.
1269
01:15:32,838 --> 01:15:34,218
It's gone the
way of the dinosaur.
1270
01:15:34,219 --> 01:15:35,702
Oh, okay.
1271
01:15:35,703 --> 01:15:38,291
I mean, magazines are dead.
1272
01:15:38,292 --> 01:15:40,536
That's why I had
to steal the crown!
1273
01:15:42,434 --> 01:15:43,848
Isn't it pretty?
1274
01:15:43,849 --> 01:15:47,576
But Marianne, I
thought you disappeared!
1275
01:15:47,577 --> 01:15:51,131
Marianne? Child, please.
1276
01:15:51,132 --> 01:15:55,757
Marianne is long gone, okay?
1277
01:15:55,758 --> 01:16:00,002
She left the day
you humiliated me.
1278
01:16:00,003 --> 01:16:03,972
Remember when you made me accept
this crown for our street?
1279
01:16:03,973 --> 01:16:05,801
Remember that?
1280
01:16:05,802 --> 01:16:09,702
And when I lifted it onto my
head and my belly bursted out of
1281
01:16:09,703 --> 01:16:13,878
my gorgeous corset because
I was nine months pregnant?
1282
01:16:13,879 --> 01:16:16,467
You remember that?
1283
01:16:16,468 --> 01:16:19,021
You humiliated me.
1284
01:16:19,022 --> 01:16:21,610
Russ, apprehend that woman.
Get my crown!
1285
01:16:21,611 --> 01:16:25,510
Oh no, you better don't.
You better back up.
1286
01:16:25,511 --> 01:16:27,927
I said, you better back up!
1287
01:16:27,928 --> 01:16:30,550
'Cause I got me an appointment.
1288
01:16:30,551 --> 01:16:31,724
I got an appointment with
1289
01:16:31,725 --> 01:16:33,967
a sheikh who has
a penchant for what?
1290
01:16:33,968 --> 01:16:38,178
Headwear! Headwear.
1291
01:16:38,179 --> 01:16:41,147
He has a penchant for headwear.
1292
01:16:41,148 --> 01:16:43,459
And I'm not gonna
miss this meeting.
1293
01:16:43,460 --> 01:16:45,151
Uh-uh. So Russ,
1294
01:16:45,152 --> 01:16:47,982
you better back up,
because that right there?
1295
01:16:52,090 --> 01:16:56,025
Honey, that's my ride.
Yoo-hoo!
1296
01:16:58,510 --> 01:17:01,650
Christ on a cracker, she's
going up the Christmas tree,
1297
01:17:01,651 --> 01:17:03,307
Olivia. Do something!
1298
01:17:03,308 --> 01:17:05,517
Is she going to
jump from there?
1299
01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:15,422
Come with me, Olivia!
1300
01:17:15,423 --> 01:17:20,773
I'll give you that promotion
you've always dreamed of!
1301
01:17:20,774 --> 01:17:21,912
You mean...
1302
01:17:21,913 --> 01:17:24,397
Executive Fashion
Ladyboss in Chief?
1303
01:17:24,398 --> 01:17:25,570
Better!
1304
01:17:25,571 --> 01:17:30,473
Chief Executive Fashion
Ladyboss in Chief!
1305
01:17:31,405 --> 01:17:34,165
We have to save
"Gorge" Olivia!
1306
01:17:34,166 --> 01:17:36,581
You and me, we're the same.
1307
01:17:36,582 --> 01:17:40,620
We're... we're nobodies
without our careers.
1308
01:17:40,621 --> 01:17:42,864
I am nothing like you!
1309
01:17:42,865 --> 01:17:44,935
Are you so sure about that?
1310
01:17:44,936 --> 01:17:49,111
Aren't you curious about my
pregnancy all those years ago?
1311
01:17:49,112 --> 01:17:52,597
Who I was pregnant with?
1312
01:17:52,598 --> 01:17:56,532
Your parents never abandoned
you on that stoop, Olivia.
1313
01:17:56,533 --> 01:17:58,845
It was a lie!
1314
01:17:58,846 --> 01:18:02,297
What? No!
No, that can't be!
1315
01:18:02,298 --> 01:18:07,267
I gave birth to you
on the steps of "Gorge"!
1316
01:18:07,268 --> 01:18:09,994
I knew if the magazine
found out I was a mother,
1317
01:18:09,995 --> 01:18:13,032
I'd never get as far.
1318
01:18:13,033 --> 01:18:18,451
So I did what I
had to do our family.
1319
01:18:18,452 --> 01:18:20,040
Our family?
1320
01:18:21,869 --> 01:18:26,079
You were never my mother!
1321
01:18:26,080 --> 01:18:28,806
Ow! Bitch!
1322
01:18:28,807 --> 01:18:32,707
I've always been your mother!
1323
01:18:32,708 --> 01:18:34,123
Aah!
1324
01:18:35,503 --> 01:18:39,886
Well, a mother would not make
her daughter her assistant!
1325
01:18:39,887 --> 01:18:41,336
Aah!-
1326
01:18:41,337 --> 01:18:43,614
- You cheated on me with her?
1327
01:18:43,615 --> 01:18:45,064
Oh, don't you hit him!
1328
01:18:45,065 --> 01:18:47,825
You got my sister pregnant!
1329
01:18:47,826 --> 01:18:50,069
Your grandpa's
your father's dad?
1330
01:18:50,070 --> 01:18:52,209
And I'm taking the kids.
1331
01:18:52,210 --> 01:18:54,936
You fuck my wife, didn't you?
1332
01:18:54,937 --> 01:18:57,041
Only 'cause you fuck mine!
1333
01:18:57,042 --> 01:18:59,975
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
1334
01:18:59,976 --> 01:19:01,426
Snap out of it!
1335
01:19:05,637 --> 01:19:07,914
- Give me that crown!
- No! No!
1336
01:19:07,915 --> 01:19:09,295
Give it to me!
1337
01:19:09,296 --> 01:19:11,469
It doesn't matter
if you're my mother...
1338
01:19:11,470 --> 01:19:13,471
'cause I found my real family.
1339
01:19:13,472 --> 01:19:17,407
And they are right down there!
1340
01:19:25,899 --> 01:19:28,694
It's saved!
The crown is saved!
1341
01:19:33,044 --> 01:19:35,804
You dumb bitch!
1342
01:19:35,805 --> 01:19:38,324
We could've had it all,
1343
01:19:38,325 --> 01:19:40,705
but you had to throw it away!
1344
01:19:40,706 --> 01:19:42,707
You had to throw it away!
1345
01:19:42,708 --> 01:19:47,748
Well, looks like that promotion
is going to Tristan after all!
1346
01:19:51,856 --> 01:19:53,927
Goodbye, Olivia!
1347
01:20:00,105 --> 01:20:02,797
Are you safe?
1348
01:20:02,798 --> 01:20:04,109
Stop it.
1349
01:20:06,663 --> 01:20:08,250
What?
Did you Broads really think
1350
01:20:08,251 --> 01:20:10,218
your little loophole would work?
1351
01:20:10,219 --> 01:20:13,669
Did you forget you missed,
like, 98% of this pageant?
1352
01:20:13,670 --> 01:20:15,637
We weren't here.
I didn't understand.
1353
01:20:15,638 --> 01:20:16,949
Was there a schedule?
1354
01:20:16,950 --> 01:20:19,296
That is true.
1355
01:20:19,297 --> 01:20:24,233
Oh, Kittenheel Court
wins the Winter Ball!
1356
01:20:25,959 --> 01:20:29,375
Oh, no, no!
1357
01:20:29,376 --> 01:20:32,171
As winter queen, my first
order of business is
1358
01:20:32,172 --> 01:20:35,865
destroying your little inn.
Bulldozers!
1359
01:20:37,384 --> 01:20:39,799
Well, that's it, girls.
1360
01:20:39,800 --> 01:20:45,046
Now we'll never have enough
money to... to pay the loan!
1361
01:20:45,047 --> 01:20:48,463
Oh, it's okay.
We'll figure it out.
1362
01:20:48,464 --> 01:20:52,812
After saving the crown,
it's the least we can do.
1363
01:20:52,813 --> 01:20:54,401
That's... that's for us?
1364
01:20:56,058 --> 01:20:57,749
Oh, oh!
1365
01:21:06,378 --> 01:21:09,415
Do I have to take my top off?
Oh, oh, it's real!
1366
01:21:09,416 --> 01:21:10,726
Oh, no, keep your top on
1367
01:21:10,727 --> 01:21:13,144
if you want them
to keep throwing money.
1368
01:21:21,600 --> 01:21:26,053
Well, I think this
should cover it.
1369
01:21:28,607 --> 01:21:31,783
Girls, we did!
We saved the inn!
1370
01:21:33,336 --> 01:21:35,441
My Cardigan Outlet!
1371
01:21:35,442 --> 01:21:38,030
This isn't over.
Girls, we're leaving.
1372
01:21:38,031 --> 01:21:39,928
- Oh, no, Delia.
- Uh-uh.
1373
01:21:39,929 --> 01:21:42,275
Girls?
1374
01:21:42,276 --> 01:21:43,932
Hey, Delia.
1375
01:21:43,933 --> 01:21:45,623
I got a little joke for you.
1376
01:21:45,624 --> 01:21:50,801
We voted, and you are no longer
the leader of Kittenheel Court.
1377
01:21:50,802 --> 01:21:53,805
And here is the punchline.
1378
01:21:58,568 --> 01:22:00,294
Bertram?
1379
01:22:04,402 --> 01:22:05,921
You know, that
looks great on you.
1380
01:22:09,683 --> 01:22:11,649
- Oh!
- Your customers requested it.
1381
01:22:11,650 --> 01:22:13,065
Oh, bless them!
1382
01:22:13,066 --> 01:22:15,896
Olivia, what is all this?
1383
01:22:17,311 --> 01:22:19,519
I've never really done
this Christmas thing before,
1384
01:22:19,520 --> 01:22:22,108
so I hope you like it.
Thank you.
1385
01:22:22,109 --> 01:22:23,938
Should we open them together?
1386
01:22:23,939 --> 01:22:25,837
Yeah!
1387
01:22:29,392 --> 01:22:32,188
Today we're all queens.
1388
01:22:36,917 --> 01:22:38,436
Thank you so much.
1389
01:22:41,197 --> 01:22:43,026
Oh, you look like...
1390
01:22:43,027 --> 01:22:45,787
Oh, thank you,
Danny DeVito, that's very kind.
1391
01:22:45,788 --> 01:22:46,788
Mayor Coont?
1392
01:22:46,789 --> 01:22:49,722
Shh! Urcoont.
1393
01:22:49,723 --> 01:22:52,552
I decided to embrace
who I truly am
1394
01:22:52,553 --> 01:22:55,762
after confronting
so much of my past yesterday.
1395
01:22:55,763 --> 01:23:00,836
Thank you, Olivia,
for saving my town.
1396
01:23:00,837 --> 01:23:02,391
And one more thing.
1397
01:23:07,085 --> 01:23:09,914
I came back last night
after getting into a horrific
1398
01:23:09,915 --> 01:23:11,916
helicopter crash.
1399
01:23:11,917 --> 01:23:16,197
Turns out the Tuckahoe
curse is very real.
1400
01:23:16,198 --> 01:23:18,993
Me and my sister got to
talking
1401
01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:20,511
and spent the whole night
1402
01:23:20,512 --> 01:23:25,861
remembering what it was
like to be a family again.
1403
01:23:25,862 --> 01:23:29,451
And I thought about what you
said to me in that tree and I...
1404
01:23:29,452 --> 01:23:33,145
I realized that you
always admired me.
1405
01:23:33,146 --> 01:23:37,321
Turns out the appreciation I was
searching for all those years
1406
01:23:37,322 --> 01:23:40,876
was right outside
my office door.
1407
01:23:40,877 --> 01:23:43,362
And look, I... I may
not be good at it,
1408
01:23:43,363 --> 01:23:46,434
and I... I have a lot of
time to make up for,
1409
01:23:46,435 --> 01:23:52,129
but I kind of sort of maybe,
1410
01:23:52,130 --> 01:23:55,650
maybe just ready to be a mom.
1411
01:23:55,651 --> 01:23:58,309
If you'll have me, of course.
1412
01:23:59,724 --> 01:24:03,313
Call me... Mother?
1413
01:24:03,314 --> 01:24:04,728
I don't know.
1414
01:24:04,729 --> 01:24:06,937
I think that's gonna
take a long time.
1415
01:24:06,938 --> 01:24:12,460
Hm. I understand.
1416
01:24:12,461 --> 01:24:16,188
But today... we're all family.
1417
01:24:16,189 --> 01:24:19,501
Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh!
1418
01:24:19,502 --> 01:24:22,816
Oh, come on, sis!
Come on, sissy!
1419
01:24:27,924 --> 01:24:30,340
Olivia, you were right.
1420
01:24:30,341 --> 01:24:32,342
What we have is real,
1421
01:24:32,343 --> 01:24:35,897
even if you are Maggie...
Or Olivia, or Olaggie,
1422
01:24:35,898 --> 01:24:39,970
or Magivia,
or Tina, or Stephanie.
1423
01:24:39,971 --> 01:24:41,489
Oh, Russ!
1424
01:24:41,490 --> 01:24:46,459
What I'm trying to say is...
1425
01:24:46,460 --> 01:24:49,186
Will you marry me?
1426
01:24:49,187 --> 01:24:51,602
Russ...
1427
01:24:51,603 --> 01:24:54,053
haven't we only known each
other for, like, four days?
1428
01:24:54,054 --> 01:24:57,505
Yeah, you're right.
1429
01:24:57,506 --> 01:25:00,094
What am I doing?
I don't know!
1430
01:25:00,095 --> 01:25:01,716
Can you imagine
if you said yes?
1431
01:25:01,717 --> 01:25:03,890
Oh my god, you're so crazy!
1432
01:25:03,891 --> 01:25:05,823
Come on in here.
Take your shirt off.
1433
01:25:05,824 --> 01:25:07,446
Okay.
1434
01:25:07,447 --> 01:25:10,069
- Oh, hello.
- Hello, Russ.
1435
01:25:10,070 --> 01:25:12,382
On that morning, Olivia saw it,
1436
01:25:12,383 --> 01:25:14,694
all the rainbow hues.
1437
01:25:14,695 --> 01:25:17,352
A kaleidoscope of family...
1438
01:25:17,353 --> 01:25:19,251
The family you choose.
1439
01:25:19,252 --> 01:25:23,600
And what is Christmas
if not a silly little stunt
1440
01:25:23,601 --> 01:25:26,430
for family to come together
1441
01:25:26,431 --> 01:25:29,951
and absolutely serve...
1442
01:25:29,952 --> 01:25:30,986
Coont.
1443
01:25:30,987 --> 01:25:33,024
Now let the music play.
1444
01:25:34,784 --> 01:25:36,683
Christmas ain't about
1445
01:25:42,102 --> 01:25:46,105
snowman all on your own
1446
01:25:46,106 --> 01:25:49,971
without his ho, ho, hos
1447
01:25:49,972 --> 01:25:53,871
without raising hell
1448
01:25:53,872 --> 01:25:56,220
Christmas without
1449
01:25:58,360 --> 01:25:59,982
E!
1450
01:26:06,471 --> 01:26:07,783
Come on, all ye faithful
1451
01:26:13,582 --> 01:26:15,410
through the season
1452
01:26:15,411 --> 01:26:17,447
yuletide into you
1453
01:26:17,448 --> 01:26:19,657
let's get merry
1454
01:26:22,246 --> 01:26:25,662
momma's Christmas carol
1455
01:26:25,663 --> 01:26:33,663
don gay apparel
102531
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