All language subtitles for Vampfather (2022)

- Vampires
are things of legend.

Problem with legends is they do not die.

Whether you believe in the vampire or not,
the vampire does not care.

If the vampire is hungry,
any throat will do.

And, after you are sucked bone dry,

the vampire disappears
and the legend continues.

- You are taking forever.

A camel would've been quicker.

- So where are you from?

- Transylvania.

Can't you tell?

The teeth, darling, the teeth.

- Hey, what about paying me?

- Be happy you got away with your life.

- So not even
like a little suckle?

VAMPFATHER

Father, you didn't answer,
so I let myself in.

- Yes, I can see.

- So, you heard?

- Yes.

- Why
didn't you answer the door?

- I have to save my energy.

I have very little left.

- I know.

Nice to see you, though, even though.

- Stay put.

- Vampfather.

Brandusa.

- Brandusa, Grigore, nice to see you both.

You're looking well, Vampfather,
under the circumstances.

- Sit.

- Brandusa, Daciana,
Grigore, been a while.

Sorry I'm late.

One more minute and I
would have met my fate.

- Finally, after all these years,
you learn to open the door by yourselves.

There's promise for your development.

Too bad your development
is coming to a mortal end.

- We are immortal.

We've been around for 6,000 years.

- Granddaughter, you've
always been the feisty one.

There's no blood to feast.

- I'm starving.

- Your second cousin Grigore
needs the most blood.

He comes form the older tribe.

Your sister Daciana needs the least blood,
but is the weakest.

Nicolae, my good nephew, has the mutation

where he can temporarily
survive on bat blood.

But all our strengths and
weaknesses befall us tonight.

The blood of man has become
too pure with virtue.

Our hopes of man falling
prey to the evil side

dissolved with the free choice
of kindness and selfless love.

We are the last of the vampires.

All our species are gone,
but for us remaining.

We have survived thousands of years
to be outsmarted by mortal man.

- Fuckers!

Just one last bite.

- It would kill you instantly.

- But I'm so hungry.

- Me, too.

- I have a farewell gift for all of you.

Now, you will plunge the stake

in the bullseye middle of your heart.

Carefully, do not miss the point,
or the pain will be worse than the death.

- Not my idea of a holiday.

- Is there no other way?

- No.

- It makes me wanna do
something bad!

- That's all we've done for
thousands of years, bad.

- Something forbidden
in the vampire codes.

- Like what?

- No, children!

You shall go out with honor.

It's the only sensible thing to do.

You only have hours, a day or two,

before you die of starvation.

This is the way.

- Pity.

The treasure trove goes to waste.

- What treasure?

- The Nazi plunder taken from the Jews.

- What about it?

- I've kept it secret since the war's end.

What good are sparkles and
glitz going to do me now

that I am going to be dead?

- Now I'm interested.

- Embarrassed to admit I was
getting soft for the Jews.

I don't care about the fucking Nazis,
other than their blood was spicy.

But I was finding myself
softened for the Jews.

Those heartless Gestapos.

Not that we are merciful,
but we kill to live,

and those Nazis wasted
good blood for sport.

- Well?

- In the castle of Wewelsburg,

I had myself a nice feast of
some Nazi throats.

But before I killed them all,

I heard Heinrich Himmler talk
of the looted treasures from the murdered Jews.

- And you know where this treasure is?

- Of course I do.

Even the worst of beasts will spill

their hearts out just
to live one more breath.

- Transylvania?

- Yes.

In the canyon of caves beyond the graves,

before the burnt forest,
seven kilometers southeast.

What are you writing?

- Just in case the
descendants want to find it.

- Since when do you care for the human?

- Lots change when one
is thinking their last.

- You stared at that note for
an awful long time, Grigore.

Put your teeth away.

I'm your cousin, for fuck's sakes.

- No need to take chances.

It's been hidden for all these years.

Let it remain so.

- Stop!

I've listened to you quarrel
about earthly monies.

Have you learned nothing
about worthless trinkets?

It's time!

Who will be the first?

Oh, good, Grigore.

You are brave, and an
honor to our species.

- I'd bite her neck, if I could.

- To die in vampire sin.

I'm aroused.

- Stop!

How dare you!

Now, Brandusa and Grigore
have withered into shame,

I again ask, who will be
the first to die honorably?

Ah, yes, Nicolae.

Of course.

- Not as you wish, Vampfather.

The will to live is much
stronger than any code of honor.

I propose, whoever can drink
the other's blood, do so.

Yes, how inviting.

- Nice knowing you all.

We had a good run at it.

It's been 6,000 years.

When you feel the bite of my wild fangs,
know no hard feelings.

Hit the lights!

It's survival of the fittest.

- Fool!

Wayward ways of kin.

The last surprise will come at sundown.

Will come at sundown.

Will come at sundown.

Will come at sundown.

- Can I ever be on time?

Hello?

It's Sasha.

So sorry I'm late, as usual.

Vampfather, I'm sorry.

What time is it, anyway?

I had so many errands to do,

and I kept repeating to myself,
"Don't screw up, because he told us to be on time."

And I guess I screw up once again.

Vampfather, forgive me.

I don't want to be on time.

I don't want to die.

Goodbye, Vampfather.

May we meet in some other world.

- Sasha.

So nice seeing you.

- Yeah, been a long time.

So, I'm the last.

Is there something I'm supposed to say?

Fuck it!

There is nothing that special.

What the fuck?

May blood be plenty in the next world.

Damn God or Satan or
whoever the screw up is,

let me perform last rites!

Well, we had a good
reign, but 6,000 years.

Fuck me.

You screw up everything.

No wonder I'm always late,
'cause I know it doesn't matter.

- Shades, looking chic.

- Glare from the computer.

- Why you were different color sneakers?

- It's one of my kinks.

- Okay.

- It's not a problem with me
if you wanna show your fangs.

You can do that, too.

- You know, I have a dentist
that can file those down on a cheap layaway plan.

- I like them, Chérie.

- To each his own.

- We have a
party to go to tonight.

- I'm beat, I'll take a rain check.

- It's only one time a year.

Come on, girl.

- But what am I gonna wear?

- It's Halloween!

Anything you want, baby.

- Trick or treat.

- Ass.

Let's dress up together.

Good, all right.

- For the lovely vampire.

- Thank you.

Hey, watch those hands.

What is this, a vampire convention?

- I'd like your neck for a kiss.

- I'll kick your balls up your shorts
if you don't fly back to your cave.

- Why so antagonistic?

It's not like you.

- He gave me the creeps.

Everybody dresses vampire.

- You need to get some air.

- So, tell me, what's going on?

- Nothing.

- And you don't have a sexy ass.

Sasha, I love you.

I would do anything for you.

You can tell me what's going on.

- Who said anything is going on?

- You don't have to say anything.

You act it.

- All right.

- So, you're feeling this, too?

- Feel what?

- Playing dumb, sexy.

- What?

I didn't know you were.

But, neither did I.

Can I bite you?

- I love hickeys.

- The best hickey you'll ever get.

- Hey, that was the quickest
romance I've ever had.

- It wasn't a romance.

- Then what was it?

- You don't want to know.

- I think you need to see a doctor.

Hey, watch them hands.

- Come on, it's my teeth
that want you, baby.

- Careful, they look sharp.

Hey, I told you, watch your hands.

- It's not my hands that
are the problem, baby.

It's your hands.

They could dominate the world.

- What do you do for a living,
professional womanizer, eh?

- I find dead bodies.

- Oh, how exciting.

Oh, you're a cop?
- Yeah.

- At least I'm safe.
- Yeah.

- Safe my ass.

- Hey, your ass wasn't up
for grabs, so I've moved on.

- You're drunk, and he's horny as fuck.

- He's just a cop.

- Looks like a dirty cop to me.

- How about a threesome?

No?

- Dr. Blood.

Is that your real name?

- What, oh, B-L-O-U-D, but people mispronounce it,
so I took on the name Blood.

- Dr. Rainier said I can trust you.

- Yes, Rainier, he was your family doctor
since you were a child.

- Yes, all of us would go
for all sorts of cures.

Am I going to live?

- Yes, yes, for a while.

- What kind of while?

- Yeah, we have a very unique physiology.

There's something in your blood that makes
you immune to the vampire extinction.

However, you're aging as a
regular human.

- But I do need blood.

- Well, you said you haven't
had blood for months now.

- Yes, I'm determined.

- If you needed
it, you'd be dead by now.

- What are you saying?

- It's psychosomatic.

You've been conditioned to
think you need to drink blood.

- But I can dissolve in sunlight.

- So you think.

Have you?

- I don't think so.

- See?

Sunlight is good for you.

- Are you saying I'm a human?

- No, no, you are definitely
of vampire genealogy.

However, something in the
inbreeding has created

a mutation that's caused you to be unique.

- So, without a microscope, what differs
me from being a real human?

- Just your desires and choices.

If your desire to drink
blood becomes overwhelming, you will be vampire.

However, if you choose to drink
a smoothie, you'll be human.

Time will tell.

Of course, your ancestry
may be too overwhelming

for your subconscious to simply just wish away
with a New Year's resolution.

- Let me be the last and be done with it.

- Well, that doesn't sound like
a love affair, now, does it?

You know, if you change
your stance on this,

you could, well, there is a
way to propagate the species.

- Why would I want to?

- Well, it would be such a shame
to let such a magnificent species just become extinct.

Think of it!

I mean, it would be like
resurrecting the dinosaurs.

- God forbid,
we'd all be eaten alive.

- Not necessarily.

Some will take a hit
for the team.

- Wow, listen to you.

You'd think you were a vampire.

- Oh, I wish.

But, if you change your mind,
you know where to find me.

Sasha.

You can trust me.

- Would you know
a good doctor for my head?

- Afternoon.

- Aye, smoking hot, girl.

- You're late.

- You noticed.

- I'm sorry about last night.

- Whatever.

- You look tired.

- Hangover from the lonely punch.

- Are you going to be mad
with me for a long time?

- It's in my DNA to be angry.

My mom was angry, my dad was angry.

Why shouldn't I be?

- So break the lineage.

Come on, let's go to the
kitchen and get some coffee.

I saw a doctor.

My blood is unique.

- I didn't mean a doctor doctor.

I meant a shrink.

- Yeah, that's next.

I have an appointment.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I just thought we had something.

It's no big deal.

- Come on, next on the roof.

I have something important to tell you.

- Did you change your mind?

- Kind of.

- Wow, this is getting
sexier by the minute.

- Ooh, is it hot in here or
is it just the two of you?

- It's a gloomy day.

- Maybe I should get us some tequila?

- Chérie, I didn't bring you
here as a romantic thing.

- You said you changed your mind.

- Not about that.

- Okay, move out of the
way, I'm gonna jump.

- Please, I have something
really important to share with you.

It's not like I'm not into you.

I mean, I love you as my friend,
but I also have other feelings for you.

- What other kind of feelings?

- Like, you know.

- Like sexual feelings?

I knew it.

Damn, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Why do you keep playing me like this?

- I'm a vampire, and, if I get too excited,
I'm going to bite your neck and drink your blood.

- Yep, you need a doctor.

- Chérie, I'm serious.

- I'm serious, too.

- Why do you think I have these?

- An overbite?

Chewing too hard on your fucking
rubber baby bottle nipple

'cause your selfish, sick mom
wouldn't give you a soft breast?

It was a nice day until you ruined it.

- Oh, you can go in.

- Dr. Blood explained you don't
evaporate in the sunlight, like the others?

- Yes.

- So, why carry an umbrella?

- Habit, I suppose.

- I want to say a neurosis.

Leave it with me, on my foot.

- Dr. Oomious.

- Say what,
it is me, what is it?

- Can't you choke?

Oh, only if I internalize your suggestion,
which I'm not gonna do.

Oh, so, I shall not do that.

So, Sasha, tell me, young lady,

what is it that
you'd like to resolve?

- Shouldn't it be
me that lies on the couch?

- Well, if you'd rather be a patient.

I'd rather you be a participating
member in self-discovery.

Okay?

And, if you're hungry, I have
more corned beef on my desk.

Don't tell me you're a
vegan, being a vampire.

Ah, not a vegan, being a
vampire, I can tell.

You have an insatiable desire to be human?

- Since a child.

- Sasha, I'm sorry to inform
you, I can't treat you.

- Why?

Am I hopeless?

- No.

Too much bleeding.

I've been the family psychiatrist for years
and years and years and years.

It's just, whoa, quite exhausting.

- I'm not like they were.

I have dreams of getting better.

- How pipe they all are, huh?

- As you can see, although I'm quite hungry,
I haven't bitten you.

- Quite sure
of the long term effects.

Not exactly like being bit by a mosquito.

- You've been treating
my family for years.

- I haven't been acting normal lately.

- Can you not make an exception for me?

Sasha, I'm getting married soon,
and my soon to be desperate, barren wife

wants to have some kids, and I don't want
the little tots to become vampires, you see?

- It's not working that way.

- Well, nobody's sure.

- Well, yeah, but I'm
the last living vampire.

There won't be any others.

- I'm sorry, Sasha.

I'm sorry, honey.

In full disclosure, Dr. Blood has shared your charts,
and you are, by far and away, the most human

of all my patients, and now they're all,
you know, they've all gone bye bye.

They're all gone.

And I'm gonna have to
get another occupation, which is a shame.

But what's really a pity is that we
weren't able to make you a full human.

But it's not God's plan.

It's just not, honey.

A vampire is a vampire is a, whatever.

You know what I mean,
a vampire is a vampire.

- Pinocchio became a real boy.

- Pinocchio?

Sasha, but Pinocchio
had Disney on his side,

and "I'll get you my pretty!"

Ooh, where are my monkeys?

Oh, the house is falling, let's
go back to Kansas!

You didn't bite me.

- Told you.

Oomious.
- Yeah?

- Are you Jewish?

- I eat corned beef, what do you think?

What's that?

- It's a secret map, leading to the Jewish treasure
hidden by the Nazis during World War II.

It might take a little sleuthing to find
exactly where the cave is, but if you can find it.

- Why me?

- Heritage.

- You may be even more
human than I thought.

I just found my new occupation!

- I finished my dissertation
on creative literature.

I'm going to leave my mark on the world!

- I bet.

What the subject?

- Vampires!

- Speaking of things that suck.

Boss man wants this in by five.

- Dreams.

- What about them?

I wrote about a dream I had last night
where you were going to suck my blood.

- What happened?

- You had second thoughts, and you left.

- That's good.

- As dreams go, it was so real.

Do you wanna read it?

- No, I wasn't there.

- Do you wanna go to the roof?

- I don't think so.

- Come on!

I got something to tell you.

Tequila, tequila, tequila.

- So what it is you want to tell me?

- Shut up and drink.

- That feels good.

- Might even be better than blood?

- I'm sorry, Chérie, I can't.

- I know, because you didn't.

- We will get fired.

- We're on top of the world, girl.

No one can fire us, we fire them!

You were right there, at the edge of my bed,
hungry, desperate to drink my blood, but you didn't.

- It was only a dream.

- No, it wasn't.

- My God, you know!

You smell so, so good.

You're so pretty.

That one is black, and that's white.

Oh, you're super cool.

- It is cool, it's cool.

- It's here, it's here.

- You're both fired.

- You have to talk to him first
if you don't want to talk to me.

And you can't fire us 'cause we fire you.

- See what you made us do?

You made us drink the whole bottle,
and now there's none left.

- So let's have some more!

- Tequila!

Sasha's right, you're fired.

- And Chérie, she doesn't
need this stupid job.

She's going to be famous
on her literature,

a book on dreams and
wins the Pulitzer Prize, and you suck.

- Yeah, you suck.

And the dream was real.

So I'm gonna have Sasha bite your neck.

- I'm not gonna buy the book.

- I'm going to buy 10,000 of your book.

- Thanks.

Wait, are we moving or am I drunk?

- Neo.

It's too quiet in here
without you snoring.

I can't sleep like this.

Hey!

Why are you being so quiet up there?

Can't sleep.

Oh, I see.

You wanna play a game with me?

You playing
the quiet game?

I mean, all right, here I come.

Neo.

- Gotta keep these windows closed.

Vampire bats get flagrant
during the lockdown.

- What are you doing?

- How's it look?

- A lot better than he does.

- Yeah, that's 'cause
I'm not a normal cop.

I'm a cool cop.

- Get in there.

- I'm so sorry for your loss.

It does get better.

Can we get a statement
from Miss Rejowski, please?

- Sir?

- Check her in and get
her statement, please.

- Yeah, come with me this way.

Outside here.

- Connor.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell is that?

- Nothing, nothing.

Just a souvenir for my girl.

- That's evidence.

What the hell?

Great, good.

- Sasha, it's the middle of the night!

- I need your help.

- How did you find me?

- The scent.

- Keep it down, you'll wake the Missus.

- I don't think I can
control myself any longer.

Sasha, I really think you're better off
in the care of Dr. Oomious.

- He doesn't want to see me.

- Look, I can't help
you anymore, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, just one
of my clients.

She thinks she's a vampire.

- I wanted to tell the doctor
I think I'm having blackouts.

How beautiful.

Can use to help grow.

Or to kill.

Jan, when you came out to see
if crazy Kevin was stalking ya,

did you happen to notice if anyone
took your dad's garden stakes?

- Just the vampires.

- Can you get off the
phone, talk to your dad?

- No, just Mr. Rosen walking his dogs,
Mrs. Blossom riding her bicycle, and the twins jogging.

- Maybe the twins were the vamps.

- Told ya!

- Well, they don't cast
reflections in mirrors.

Doubt the camera would pick up anything.

- Later, Jess.

My dad's having a total breakdown.

- I can hear you.

- Folklore.

There's a blackout for a few minutes.

Dad, tonight, keep the windows closed
so those ugly creatures can't fly in.

- I don't mean the flying kind.

- Do bullets stop the other kind?

- Good question.

Go for Holmes.

Copy that.

Yeah, I'll be there soon.

You watching porn on the beat?

- Look, Holmes, you and I are tight,
so I'm not gonna say anything, but it don't look good,

you storing those vampire
stakes in front of your house.

- They're garden stakes,
for Christ's sake.

- I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying.

- What are you saying?

- Victims all had bite marks to the neck,
and we're not talking about love hickeys.

- Forensics?

- Died of blood loss.

Nothing conclusive yet on folklore.

- Folklore?

- Vampires.

- Bats?

- No.

- Right, the other kind of folklore.

You tell that to the dead corpses
left with going away presents.

Vampire stakes?

Can I ask, why do you still wear the ring?

Okay, I guess I'm not saying anything,

and I can't ask anything, either.

- It gives me comfort, okay?

- So where are we going?

Looks innocent enough.

Where'd you find her?

- My rose bed.

- Wait, in your garden of vampire stakes?

- Hey, I buried my dog in that garden.

- Okay, where's this going?

- I'm just saying, stay out of my garden.

- Why would she leave it?

- Cry for help?

- Oh, I'll help her.

She's a looker.

- This is official
police business, okay, man?

Not your little porn play.

- I'm not saying anything, all right?

Cut me some slack.

Just saying she's mysterious is all.

- Junior, best watch yourself, all right?

You might find yourself the next victim.

- See what it says.

Sweet Sin Drive.

I think it is.

What is this?

- In case folklore isn't folklore.

Come on.

Come on.

Afternoon, Miss.

Detective Holmes, Officer Junior.

May we come in?

- Why?

- You are a person of interest.

- 'Kay, and why I
am a person of interest for?

- Does this look familiar?

- My license.

How did you get it?

- You left it in my rose garden.

- Oh, the one
with the vampire stakes?

- Yeah.

Nice place.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you can see
the observatory from here.

- Please, have a seat.

Is he okay?

- Junior's just never
seen a vampire before.

- Well, if you've seen
one, you've seen them all.

- There's been multiple murders.

One of your doctors, as well as your boss.

- That's so sad.

- Do you wanna confess?

- Sure, how do I do that?

- You'll sign a confession
admitting to the murders?

- Well, I'm not sure.

I've been having blackouts.

- I'm sorry, Miss, we're gonna need
to put this mask over your mouth for precaution.

- Precaution for what?

- Just do it.

- If it were up to me, I wouldn't.

- So good to know.

- You're right,
Junior, it's not up to you.

Put it on.

- You have nice hair.

- Sit down, Junior.

- I will talk to not anyone else.

Please, arrest me.

- Then you're admitting to the murders.

- I just don't remember.

- Well, can't
arrest you on suspicion.

We'll have to leave it at that,
see what the evidence reveals.

- Look, here's my card, in
case you wanna get coffee or something like-

- Don't listen to the rookie.

He's still learning how to talk.

Go to the car.

- You want your mask back?

- I may need it for the next one.

- I'm the last of them.

- Have a good day, Miss.

- Can I have my license back?

- Sorry, it's evidence.

Detective Holmes, if the evidence reveals
I'm the murderer, please, kill me, and don't hesitate.

- Copy that.

- You think she did it?

- I don't know.

- She got to you, too, didn't she?

- Don't let your dick get
in the way of your gun.

- Officer Junior.

- Wanna join me for some coffee?

- Wouldn't it be against protocol?

- Isn't being a vampire against protocol?

It's a really nice night out tonight.

- Yes, if you're a vampire.

- Excuse me, Miss, would you mind
opening your mouth and showing me your teeth?

Oh, you really are a vampire.

- Could be an overbite.

- But is it?

- I thought it was a coffee date.

- So it is a date.

- Depends.

Is it a social meet or police business?

- I'd say it feels a lot less
like business and more social.

- Looks can be deceiving.

- I wanna kiss you.

- Want to or need to?

And risk being bitten?

You are a vampire?

- I'm just fucking with you.

Geez, can't women take a joke anymore?

- Tell me about it, dude.

- Yes, yes.

- Gas gauge is near empty.

Wasn't like that when we
climbed out last night.

- Maybe the vampires decided
to drink gas instead of blood.

Conservation.

- Very funny.

Did you take the rig out last night?

Yeah, went for a drive, you know,
with the cool wind in my hair.

Thought I'd stop at Hotel
Callie for some action.

- Very good.

You opening for Leno now?

Rough shave?

- Hickey.

- Let me see it.

- What do you care about my hickey?

- Come on, let me see.
- No, get outta here.

- It is a hickey.
- Yeah.

- Cute.

- God, you know, you got
no trust in me lately.

- Well, lately, you
haven't been delivering.

- That's not what she said.

- Consider yourself lucky.

- About what?

- The only thing she
gave you was a hickey.

Wouldn't want those fangs near my stake.

- I deliver, okay?

I extracted some info.

Apparently, there's a shit
load of treasure involved.

Shit, I had no idea
what kind of shit load.

- Watching porn again, slick?

- So, do you remember that
info I was telling you about?

Apparently, the Nazis stashed billions
of the Jews' treasure in some cave.

- Miss Hickey tell you that?

- Yeah, yeah, said she had the map, but she
gave it to one of the victims who was later murdered.

- Let me guess, blood sucked out.

- Yeah, murdered.

- So, where'd she find the map?

- Some relative.

- So let me get this straight.

There's a murderer that's
looking for hidden treasure.

- Yeah.

Gonna be one rich son of a bitch.

Did your little fang fatale tell you that she's
the last one, that all the other ones are dead?

- The last of who?

- The last of the vampires.

- Yeah, yeah, she told me that.

Like I'm gonna believe that wild stuff.

- And that the treasure's in a cave

in the mountains of Transylvania?

- Wait, wait, how do
you know what she said?

- Check your pocket.

- Oh, you son of a bitch.

Look who can't be trusted now, huh?

This is also against my privacy,
and it's against the law.

- Tell Internal Affairs.

You know, while you're at it, tell them you are now a person of interest because you're sleeping with the suspect.

- Since when is she a suspect?

- Since all the victims have vampire bites
and she's the last vampire.

- Vampire bats.

- Yeah, how do you know?

Did you see the forensics?

- Anyway, the other kind are folklore.

- Yeah, I used to think so.

I'm not too sure anymore.

- Mind if I tell Internal Affairs?

- They'd lock us both up.

Hungry, slick?

- Yeah.

- Let us eat.

Sandwiches?

- I could really use a beer with these.

- Ask and you shall receive.

- Holy shit.

Can't we get in trouble
for drinking in the car?

- We're two cops.

- Breaking the law.

- I won't tell if you won't tell.

- I ain't saying nothing.

- Here's to nabbing a suspect.

- Say, how far would you
go in breaking the law?

- Meaning?

- Meaning if we dig up the treasure,

whats' the harm in sharing some?

- Sure, we'll just fly
out to Transylvania.

- You were listening, you heard it.

- As soon as you were
about to climax, I stopped.

I mean, I don't need to
hear you finish, ugh.

- Thanks for the respect.

- So what did she say?

- Oh, look who's in control now.

The treasure's not in
Transylvania any longer.

- Where's the treasure, shithead?

- Whoa, take it easy.

So, we gonna split it?

- Not unless I split your
dumbass head open first.

- And what about respect for the Jews?

- We're not gonna take it
all, just a percentage, for our inconvenience.

- Now you're talking.

All cheers to that, let's go.

- I just started my fucking sandwich.

- Well, I'm hungry for treasure now.

Eat your sandwich.

- Thank you.

- I don't even
wanna know what's in there.

Yeah, let's just skip by that.

Are those coffins or cabinets?

I don't like them either way.

- All this time,
I thought it was folklore.

- I just hope the
treasure ain't folklore.

- I don't get the Count thing.

Dracula set a precedent or something?

Why not Baron, Duke, Earl, or Marquis?

- It's tradition.

- Yeah, well detective tradition's telling me
that something ain't right.

- It's not an amusement park.

It's a graveyard.

Look, suck it up, okay?

We're about to be rich.

- Which grave?

- How am I supposed to know?

- Hey, you didn't tell
anyone about this, did you?

- No.

Except Connor.

- What the fuck?

You told that creepy
klepto we were out here?

- He didn't believe me.

- Right, who would?

- Gotta calm down.

- What am I even looking for?

- I don't know, just stay calm.

Found it.

- How do you know?

- Fresh prints and dirt.

- Nice work, Junior.

- So, when do we tell the department?

- Let's see what we've got, first.

- After we take our share?

- Shh, just dig.

- All right.

Shit, look at that.

Is that real gold?

There's an inscription.

"To my beloved Anna.

"I will love you all eternity.

"Max, 1935."

- That's really sad.

Whoa, dude, what the fuck?

You can't just wear that.

- What am I supposed to do with it,
throw it back in the cold dirt?

Don't throw a fit.

Holy shit!

Look at this.

It's the matching ring.

"To my beloved Max.

"I will love you for all eternity.

"Anna, 1935."

- All right, no more digging.

- Oh, don't throw a fit.

Look, how about this, okay?

And now they're together again.

- We're leaving, come on.

- Don't be a bitch, okay?

Just 'cause I put on the rings,
we're gonna forego the treasure?

- Some things are scared.

Where's our dignity, huh?

Those rings belonged to a man and wife
who loved each other dearly,

and they were murdered
mercilessly by human animals.

This treasure belongs to the
deceased and their ancestors.

That could've been us,
murdered in cold blood.

No, we're done here, man.

I'm calling it in.

- Easy come, easy go.

- Pick the shovel back up.

- Thought you didn't believe me.

- You believed me, I didn't
believe you, stupid-o.

Dig.

- No, this stuff belongs
to the sacrificed Jews.

- Yeah, and when you dig up the loot,
I'm gonna sacrifice you and bury you in the grave, so.

- Why would we dig if
you're just gonna kill us?

- Buy yourself some time.

Dig.

Hands where I can see them.

- While I figure out how to take down
this money-hungry, bad cop.

- Guns.

I said Junior dig, not you!

Junior, dig, or Ill shoot you in the leg and force you to dig anyway while experiencing excruciating pain.

One bullet might have been loud enough
to alert some dog walker nearby to call the cops.

Another bullet will surely seal your fate.

- Dig!

Or I'll shoot you in the arm anyway,
and force you to dig in double excruciating pain.

- You're as bad as the fucking Nazis!

- Yeah, well, not exactly my heroes,
but I'll take it, as I'm a bad ass.

- The more blood you spill from me,
the more I stand unified with the martyrs.

- You don't stand.

You're lying next to the filth.

- Leave him the fuck alone!

- Get up, get up!

You know where this next
deadly bullet will go?

To the part of your brain housing
the wild idea of compassion.

- The sound of your evil chant
will be heard beyond the human.

- Oh, yeah?

Like God saved the Jews?

- Oh, thank God.

Who are you?

- Dr. Blood.

- Hey, look, come get my
cellphone out of my pocket.

We can call Central.

What are you doing?

Wait, why'd you do that?

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me?

- I have no sense of humor.

That's why I laugh at all
the wrong places.

But Detective Connor had the right idea,
except he's not gonna be the last one standing.

- Why are you doing this?

- Why does anyone do anything?

Why not?

- Look, the treasure's right there, okay?

Just take it.

- Of course I'm gonna take your treasure,
and them I'm gonna suck your blood.

- Oh, fuck, fuck this.

What the fuck?

Aw, you're a fucking sicko!

Well, maybe you think I'm a sicko,
but this is a lifelong dream.

Now, where do you want it, left or right?

No, you don't.

Every good vampire goes
for the jugular.

Ah, there it is, nice
and pumped.

- That tastes so much
better than smoothies.

- I thought you
weren't the flying kind.

- I didn't know until now.

Instinct rules.

- Maybe you can teach us how
to fly like that someday?

- Full report, boss.

- Just give me the meat and bones, kid.

- Another meat and bones?

- Sure.

- Connor, the dirty cop, was real dirty.

Dr. Blood, now Dr. Blood was something
right out of a horror film.

He used Halloween-style fangs
to kill all of his victims.

He was a folklore copycat.

Went from idolizing one beast to another.

Once he killed off his quota and got bored,
he would pick up another folklore beast

to continue to instill
horror into the communities.

- How many did he kill?

- DNA tests just keep on coming.

Dozens.

- All right, thanks, kid.

- Oh, I almost forgot.

You have an invitation.

- What is it?

- Old family castle.

It's here.

- I don't feel comfortable leaving you.

- Don't worry, it will be fine.

After knowing the whole story,
do you really expect me to believe that?

- No, but do.

- Beautiful.

Oh, it's bloody beautiful,
and it's real blood.

- You were all dead.

- My favorite!

- Grigore.

Brandusa.

Nicolae.

- This is too much, you guys.
- Daciana.

- No!

Blood, my favorite!

- Sorry, but can someone tell me
how come you're not dead like I last see you?

- We were not dead, my child.

We only looked that way.

- Well, we were almost dead.

- Yeah, it was pretty nasty.

- Here, sit down.

- A piece of cake, Vampfather?

- Just, no, no, no, no,
I'm watching my weight.

These youngsters have not
yet learned the lesson of patience or sacrifice.

I told them there was a surprise coming.

- Oh, can I tell her, Vampfather?

- See what I mean about patience?

- See, the deadly stakes were only meant
to test our resolve to stay true to our species.

- Let me continue, I hate listening.

Us vampires were truly dying, not able

any longer to survive on the pure blood
of the purified humans, so we had to go-

So mighty Vampfather, our patriarch,
had Dr. Switchfire in Transylvania create

a special toxin applied to the tip of the stake,
and once the tip of the stake employs our heart,

our blood evolves with the serum to accept
the human blood once again.

- Okay, all sit, everyone.

This all, I'm sure, has
been a very traumatizing

journey for Sasha, who, since a child,

her only dream was to become a real human.

You are more human than you know.

- I can still fly.

- New Century resolution, we shall fulfill
our survival requirements while doing

the human society a moral favor.

We shall feed only on
the blood of evil humans.

Though far and in between,
there are sufficient numbers

to keep our bellies full.

- Good, Vampfather,

'cause I am hungry.

- Sasha, what is the matter?

- Yeah, your idea is really good.

- So?

- Is there a way for me
to become a real human?

- Come, my child.

There is a way.

Now, it has never been done before,

and it won't be easy.

- Really?

- You must bite yourself on the neck.

- That's impossible.

- It's never been done
before, and it won't be easy.

- But how, Vampfather?

- There is a reason why we
do not cast a reflection.

- In the end,
the beauty of legends is,

if you believe with all your heart,
the legend creates miracles.