All language subtitles for Americanish.2021.WEBRip.x264.AAC-TuKCo

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[BABBLING]

Ooh, I didn't
know that.

KHALA:
What is this silly talk?

I left my family for you.

Nadeem!
When you give a man
dal roti every day,

sometimes he wants a bite
of a juicy American steak.

You don't like beef.

It gives you bad stomach.
Bad gas.

That's not what I'm saying.
You don't understand anymore.

What about our daughters?

I don't want a Pakistani woman
that I have to take care of.

I want an American woman
who can take care of herself.

We're not good enough for you,
Nadeem?

[GROANS]

It is Ned now.

Hm.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[CAR PULLS AWAY]

Don't worry, Mommy.
I'll take care of us. I promise.

Sameem,
don't marry a man you love.

Marry a man that loves you.

He'll take care of you.

[SPEAKS IN URDU]

[♪♪♪]

[PHONE RINGING]

Sameem, Maryam,
you going to get Ameera now?

What?

We have to get Ameera.

I'll meet you there.

This is the last time.

KHALA:
Sameem, Maryam!

Yeah, yeah, Mom, we're coming.

Hurry up.
You're going to get late.

[♪♪♪]

What's the purpose
of your visit?

I'm here to find a nice

Pakistani-American doctor
to marry.

"A-mee-ra."

Girl, I don't know any nice men.

How you gonna find
a nice Pakistanian doctor?

This is New York,
where dreams come true.

What dreams?

I saw it in an Eddie Murphy
movie, Coming to America.

Welcome to America.

The land of dreams.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Hey now ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

[GASPS]

[SQUEALING]

♪ Nowhere but up, unh ♪

♪ Stars and stripes ♪

♪ Red, white and blue ♪

♪ Now, baby, just tell me ♪

♪ What does that mean to you? ♪

♪ What it mean to me ♪

♪ This is a brand new day ♪

♪ No stop signs
Just green lights ♪

♪ 'Cause everything's
Goin' my way ♪

♪ It's time to get up ♪

♪ No more sleepin' ♪

♪ I open my eyes
And find myself ♪

♪ American dreamin' ♪

♪ No more sleepin' ♪

♪ I open my eyes
And find myself ♪

♪ American dreamin' ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ American dreamin' ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ American dreamin' ♪

[SQUEALING]

Mmm!

Khala, this is so good.
Just like Ammi makes it.

Then take more,
take more.

Mom, is this meat halal?

It is halal-ish.

What does that mean?

It means that the man
at the corner store is Jewish.

Jewish eat kosher.

So if we buy from him,
then it is halal-ish.

Mm-hm.

Mom. Mom!

Ameera, you got a little fat.

Show me your face.

A little dark also.

There's too much heat
in Lahore.

Mm, I know, but we'll
find you a nice doctor.

My visa expires in six months,

so we have to find
somebody fast.

Otherwise,
Ammi's gonna make me marry

that boring cousin Jamal
back home.

But your father's on your side.

Ever since Abu lost his job,
it's been...

I know it's not been easy
on them.

But you did the right thing
by coming here.

Sameem baji,
when are you getting married?

She is already married.

Hm?

To her job.

Sameem is up
for a big promotion.

But a job
is not the same

as having your own home
and children.

Beta, someone has put the evil
eye on both my daughters,

and now they're not
going to get married.

They think they know
everything best.

But you trust your Khala, hmm?

She'll find you
a lovely doctor.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

It's just a study group.

The MCATs aren't gonna
ace themselves.

She's very serious
about her studies.

Hm.

Sorry.

Hi, Maryam.

Guys, this is Maryam.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi, Shahid.

SHAHID:
Why don't you just stay here?

Hm?

I have a nail appointment.

Shahid?

Oh, right.

Hey, guys.

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHS]

Hey, guys, does anyone know
what the by-product is

of free-radical chlorination
of an alkaline?

Hydrogen chloride.

REPORTER:
We have all the candidates
eager to share their policies

for this year's
Senate campaign.

Amanda, over to you.

AMANDA:
Now joining me is senatorial
candidate Douglas Smarts.

Mr. Smarts,
what are your thoughts

on our immigration policy?

We have a problem
with immigrants.

If they wanna live
in our country,

they have to live
by our rules.

AMANDA:
Thank you, Mr. Smarts.

These comments come
during a heated

senatorial election campaign.

Do you agree with his comments?
Let us know.

What's up?

I mean, you're working
on the Douglas Smarts account.

I mean, the guy is a racist.

Yeah, that? I just-- I feel like
that's all just for show.

I bet you could ask
to be moved off the account.

And give up one of our biggest
accounts? No, thank you.

[♪♪♪]

Jim is probably gonna pick

a new director of communications
at the meeting.

And?

I'm not 1000% positive, but...

pre-congratulations!

What?

Hello?

Ugh! You know what?

You need to find your lady balls
and own that meeting.

Come on. Say it.

I'm gonna find my lady balls
and own that meeting.

Yes! Huge balls.

All right, I'll see you later.
Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Take some haldi,
put it in warm water,

and wash your face with it.

And in ten days, you'll see,
you'll look so fair.

Get some rice.

Khala, these prices
are ridiculous.

I think we should
just go somewhere else.

Don't even think about
converting dollars into rupees.

They charge the same
everywhere.

Seventeen dollars?

Okay, Khala,
let me just show you

how we do this
Pakistani style.

What are you doing?

Ameera. Ameera,
what are you doing?

This rice is $17, I will pay 15.

The aata is 12,
I will pay you 8.

And we are taking two dals,
so I want one half off.

Why not everything for free?

He doesn't mean it.

The prices are fixed.

There's always room
for negotiation,

Mister...?

Mr. Gabriel, I want to speak
to your store owner, please.

Please, let me pay--

You're making a scene.

We will pay you 24
for everything.

Okay, 26 is my final offer.

Thirty.

Twenty-eight.

And you have yourself a deal,
Mr. Gabriel.

You drive a hard bargain,
Miss...?

Ameera.

Ameera.

Oh, and we also want
a copy of the Urdu Post.

Okay. It's free.

It's free. It's free.

Thank you very much.

Sam is gonna be so successful.

And you're gonna be
a great doctor.

Everybody's gonna get
what they want.

This is America.
The land of dreams.

And with that,
I'm going to sleep.

Good night.

Good night, Ameera.

Welcome to America.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

[SNORING]

[AMEERA SINGING IN SHOWER]

Ameera, I need
to get ready for work.

Coming, Sameem baji.

Remember, we have lunch today.

I was thinking the park.

I'll give it back. I promise.

[SIGHS]

Okay, you can go now,
Sameem baji.

[♪♪♪]

Damn it!
There's no hot water left.

In addition to moms,
we should look at Millennials

to up engagement
for healthy snacks.

Moms of younger kids.

We should place QR codes
and hashtags on boxes--

I was thinking that in addition

to the Twitter
and Facebook campaigns,

that we should put the product
in the stores.

Take it from digital to physical
for the younger moms.

Fine. Ed, you take
the healthy snacks account.

Okay. And with that, I'd like
to announce Tim's replacement.

Uh, this is a person
who has not only demonstrated

that they can get the job done,

but they know exactly
the direction

this company needs to move.

Ed.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. Yes.

You are our new communications
director. Yeah.

Good work, Ed.

Keep that up.

MAN:
You killed it, buddy.

I think I've really
stepped it up

in the last year
since Tim left.

You have, Khan.

You are an invaluable member
of the team.

I wanted that promotion.
I think I earned it.

Well, no, you were
under consideration.
But...?

Some men have the ability
to really lead a room.

And we felt
that you were lacking

in that leadership quality.

Leadership isn't teamwork?

Leadership
brings the team together.

And teamwork
makes the dream work.

MARYAM:
What did he say?

"Teamwork makes the dream work."

[LAUGHING]

It's so ridiculous.

So, in other news, that guy Jay
is Facebook-stalking you?

He's acting like such a little
girl. He keeps calling too.

And you only went
on two dates?

Yeah, well, I made the mistake
of sleeping with him

on my second date.

Dude, I'm never gonna be able
to afford my own place.

Home's not that bad.

Mom will be lonely
if we both leave.

Listen, nerd, you have
a real chance at a future.

I'm not gonna let you
mess that up for Mom.

If you get into a good
med school out of state,

you should go.

She'll be fine.

[♪♪♪]

Dude, my cardigan!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

To be fair, he's pretty cute.

If Matt Damon and Brad Pitt
had a brown love child,

it would totally look
like this guy.

Oh, uh--

He's in
my MCAT study group.

You should ask him out!

No. I have to focus
on my studies.

Listen, nerd, you can get
Brad Damon or anyone else.

Just take off the scarf
and wax your mustache.

Brad Damon has a girlfriend.

It's not me.

If you want something,

you have to make it happen.

Let's go.

Thank you for coming with me.

Jim?

I think you made a mistake
not giving me the promotion.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Okay, then.

Khan.

If you're gonna call your shot,

you'd better hit it
out of the park.

I will.

AMEERA:
"Looking for slim, tall,
fair bride for doctor."

That's a good one for you.

"Professional divorced man
in 30s seeking young bride.

No issues, please."

He definitely have issue.

"32-year-old Sunni male doctor
looking for understanding woman

to complete half my religion."

"If loving the Lord is wrong,
I don't wanna be right!"

What you said?

Khala, can we call this one,
please?

Of course. Come.

Now, give me the number.

628-2178.

...2178.

Hello?

Yes, I have. Uh--

She's Pakistani girl
of very good height.

More than 5 feet.

She's 5'3".

Yes. Um...

[LINE BEEPING]

Hello? Hello?

Bad connection.

[SPEAKS IN URDU]
Let's leave all this.

Now we will start
from the beginning.

Come, now. Age?

Thirty.

We'll say 24, 25.

What did you study
in college in Lahore?

Bachelor of science.
I was also teaching.

Very good.

We will say
accomplished scientist

and lecturer in college.

What about cooking?

Uh, do you make karahi gosht?
Biryani?

I can make a great biryani
and a fantastic omelet.

Very good.
We'll say gourmet cook

in international cuisine.

But, Khala,
these are all lies.

Don't worry, everybody tells

one or two white lies
here and there.

When you get married,

nobody will care
about all this.

Next.

Come on, buddy.
Just take the 50.

Come on. What do you mean?
It's New York.

You have change for a 50?

I like the mustard... sweater.

It looks nice.
Have a nice day.

All right. Come on, buddy.

You can't tell me
you don't have change for a 50.

You don't take 50s...

Here. I'll get him.

And can I also grab a water,
please?

Wow. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

Can I have your name? Number?

I need your number
so I can send you money.

[STAMMERING]
I'm a cop. I'm a police
officer. I'm off-duty.

I might be a little bit
out of shape,

but I'm definitely
a police officer.

Let me just pay it back.

All right.

Ah!

[CARD READER BEEPING]

Is your card not working?

Let me see that.
Sometimes they get...

dirty or temporarily
demagnetized.

[BEEPS]

Hey. Thanks.

[BEEPS]

Maryam, right?

Uh-huh.

What med schools
are you applying to?

Me? I'm still weighing out
my options. You?

Well, Harvard's
my first choice,

but, uh, I'm gonna apply
to Columbia and NYU as backup.

Me too.
Harvard's my first choice.

So, what field
do you want to get into?

Pediatrics.

You know, I did an internship
in India last summer...

I cannot handle the OR.
I think simple pedes for me.

Totally. I agree.

I'm this way.

Yes, you are?

I'm this way.

Okay, Maryam.
Have a great night.

You too.

"Yes, I am"?

Stupid!

[TYPING]

[♪♪♪]

There is a man.

Okay. Does he have a job?

He lives in Germany.

Does he speak English?

His name is Zishan.
He's a doctor.

And he's going to let you work
after you get married.

He's a doctor.

As strikingly handsome
as this man is,

I'm not interested in anyone
who will let me work.

At your age,
you can't be too picky.

What's with you?

[SNORING]

Like I said, a freaking zoo!

Maryam. Push her.

I'm not gonna push her.

You push her.

[SIGHS]

[SNORING STOPS]

[SIGHS]

[SNORING RESUMES]

[SIGHS]

"Leadership
brings the team together,

and teamwork makes
the dream work."

You pick Ed? Ed?

Ed can suck my--

Hey, Ed.

I was looking at some trends
on the Douglas Smarts account.

Oh, yeah?

Nice. Like what?

Okay, so...

This picture of him
playing with his dog

was liked fifty-fifty
by both sides.

I was just looking at some data
to see how we can use it.

That's great.

Why don't you just schedule
the next set of tweets

and I'll take care
of the details?

I already scheduled those.

Yeah.

Okay. Just...

[MIMICS EXPLOSION]

All right.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

ED: Hey, Jim.

I've been tracking
some pretty interesting trends

on the Douglas Smarts account
that I'd love to run by you.

Yep. Let's hear them.

Son of a bitch.

Maryam?

Shahid.
What are you doing here?

I just started working here.
Are you here too?

Yep.

How about you show me around?

Which is something
I'm apparently saying now. Heh.

[♪♪♪]

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh! Sorry.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?
Sorry.

This is the problem
with your generation.

You have no respect
for your elders.

Now my sons want to marry
who they want.

They say,
"This is my life, Dad!"

[EXCLAIMS]

See how those eggs break?

This is how
they break my heart.

[SPEAKING IN URDU]

Miss Ameera.

You okay?
You want some water?

There.

[SLURPING]

You feel better?

Now, listen.
Don't worry about Mr. Naeem.

His sons wanna marry
non-Muslim girls.

Oh, no.

[SOBBING]

No wonder.

Hey, I have the Urdu Times
if you wanna read something.

And I have mango lassi.

I love mango lassi!

So, uh, what's the news
in Pakistan?

The news is always bad
in Pakistan.

I just go straight
to the matrimonial column.

I want to find a nice

Pakistani-American
doctor to marry.

Okay.

That's why I came to America.

Really?

[♪♪♪]

What's the matter?

It looks like everybody
has the same dream as me.

Listen, I'm sure you'll find
the right guy.

Try my mango lassi.

Thank you.

[SPITS, COUGHS]

You call this a mango lassi?

The guy that used to make it,
he left, but...

I can teach you to make
the best mango lassi

in the world in minutes.

In minutes?

Want me to teach you?

You're not gonna
bargain me down

like you did over there,
are you?

And you have to find me a nice
Pakistani doctor to marry.

He has to be a doctor?

I can't promise anything,

but I'll try my best.

Deal.

...and sometimes we have
to close up shop.

But that's pretty much it.

It's pretty chill.

Well, after India, chill is
exactly what I'm looking for.

Chilling like a villain.

[LAUGHS]

...is something I never say.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, it's my fiancée Maya.

One sec.

Smooth, Maryam. Real smooth.

[♪♪♪]

Um...

Maya just broke up with me.

Your fiancée?

What happened?

Apparently, she's gonna marry
a cardiothoracic surgeon.

I can't do surgery.

I don't even like the OR.

I'm not like her cardiothoracic
surgeon father.

Oh, man. Ahem.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

Sorry.

I was just, um...

I was kinda looking forward
to getting married.

Really?

I mean...

Really?

Yeah. I guess, uh,

I'm kind of old-fashioned
that way.

Shahid.

No, I can't...

I got her this promise ring.

...believe she did that.

You weren't engaged?

We were gonna be promised
to be engaged.

But...

she'd already been engaged
to him.

That's...

pretty messed up.

You'll meet someone better.

Thanks.

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Hey!

Remember me?

Hi.

Hi!

[ANNOUNCEMENT DRONES
INDISTINCTLY]

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

[CHUCKLING]
Whoa!

Now, that is lassi.

Lassi.

Okay, the trick
is to use homemade yogurt.

Make it very creamy.

Oh. Okay.

Mm!

So good.

Oh. You, um, got the...

[CHUCKLES]

So, uh, how's
your doctor search going?

It's not going.

Not even one person called me.

That sucks.

It's okay. This is America...

where dreams come true.

Right?

I got something for you.

[SINGSONGY]
Duh, duh, duh, duh!

Bam!

It's not really a movie.

It's a movie
of his standup special.

I love standups.

Can you do the laugh?

Of course. Ready?

[LAUGHS]

I'm gonna kick your ass.

[LAUGHS]
I'm gonna kick your ass.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you.

So are you saying
that you love this kala?

This Black man.

That's terrible.
How can you say that?

I'm Black. I can say it.

Plus, that's what
you people think.

Who told you that?

I grew up in this neighborhood.
That's who told me that.

Okay, I don't care. I will
shout from the mountaintops.

I love this kala!
I love this kala!

We're gonna get
kicked out of the neighborhood.

You can't say kala.

I know you do.

You can't say kala.

You can't say kala.

[LAUGHS]

Are you going out
to meet your boyfriend?

Ha! More like going out
to find a boyfriend.

I'm not interested
in a boyfriend.

Who needs that hassle?

Do you think boys and girls
can be just friends?

I think friendship is the basis
of all relationships.

Guys only want one thing,
and it's not your friendship.

Don't listen to her.

Do you have a guy friend
you wanna get to know better?

Me? No. Oh, no, no.

Well, if you do,

I don't think there's anything
wrong with that.

Really?
But what would Khala think?

I think she'd understand.

Khala doesn't mind you
going out like this?

I keep Khala
on a need-to-know basis,

and she doesn't need
to know this.

Can you please
come home tonight?

Because I'm done
covering up for you.

You know what?
I'm a grown-ass woman!

[GROANS, CLICKS TONGUE]

Mom, I'm going out
with some friends.

Leave something
to the imagination.

Let them buy the cow first,

then they will take
the milk for free.

Okay.

I might be out late.

I know all about
your late nights.

I'm your mother. Okay?

Good night, then.

Maryam.

Learn something from your sister

about putting on
a little makeup.

Boys don't like girls
all covered up.

Let them see the free milk,
then they will buy the cow.

I don't wanna marry someone
who sees me as a cow.

You should have seen me
when I was your age.

Hm. I was something else.

You're never gonna get married
with that scarf on your head.

I don't want to be with someone
who doesn't get my values.

It's not safe
to cover your hair,

with everything
that's going on.

It's not like we live in France,
Mom. I'm going to bed.

Go.

[GROANS]

[♪♪♪]

JIM:
I'm sure we can--

I pay this company
a lot of money

to manage
my social media,

and I expect you
to keep family out of it.

Well, Mr. Smarts,
here, please have a seat

and just tell me
what the problem is.

Really sorry for
the loss of your dog.

I don't care
about the stupid dog.

What concerns me is you people

can't seem to follow
simple instructions.

I ordered you to keep my family
out of the politics.

And Boxer was family.

Well, um...

It was all entirely my fault,
sir, and I deeply apologize...

You're fired.

Son, get out.

Does anyone else wanna
deeply apologize to me?

I take complete
responsibility--

Mr. Smarts, if I may?

You are getting more followers
and likes on Twitter

from people who don't usually
support your politics.

But you have Boxer in common.
These are dog lovers.

Keeping this in mind, I think
it might be a useful strategy

to share more details about
Boxer on social media

to connect with your fan base.

What's your name?

Sam.

What's your last name?

"Kahan."

Is that a Muslim name?

Uh, it has Hebrew origins.
I'm 100% American, sir.

Oh. I've always admired
the Jewish people.

They've always been able
to keep their eyes

on the bigger picture,
so to speak.

That unfortunate business
with Jesus aside, of course.

Well, we all fall short
of the glory.

Amen, sister.

Welcome to the team,
Samantha.

Jim.

[SIGHS]

Isn't your name Khan?

My grandparents came over
after the Second World War.

Jews from Poland.

They changed their name
to Smith.

Very good work today.

Good enough
to get that promotion?

I'll tell you what,

you bring the Smarts account
100,000 new followers,

and we can revisit
your promotion

at the end of the quarter.

All right?

Teamwork...

[♪♪♪]

[CHILD COUGHING]

The doctor's not here.

You have to take him
to the hospital.

[CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH]

Okay, okay.

He's wheezing. Uh, in the
drawer. Grab me the nebulizer.

Okay. Take a deep breath
in for me.

Great job.

He has asthma.

[COUGHS]

[EXPLAINS IN SPANISH]

Gracias.

I totally just "froke" out.

Froke?

And then when he
started to breathe,

I thought,
maybe I can do this.

I wanna go to Harvard.

It has the best pedes program
in the country.

What'd I tell you? And with your
grades, you'll get in easily.

I have to score really high on
the MCATs. At least do a 522.

MAN:
Hey, you!

Go back to your own country!
America is great.

Sam!

Go back to whatever hovel
you crawled out of.

MAN:
America is great.
Get the hell out of here!

What's wrong with you, huh?
Throwing cans at ladies?

Zane?

Hey, you never called me.

You two know each other?

No, we're not. It was one date.

Come on. I know this great
cannoli place in Little Italy.

Good night,
officer.

Come on.

I'll text you.

I'll be waiting!

Come on. Move it.

Well, he's new.

Oh, my God. You like him.

Whatever, nerd.

You like him. He's a cop.

The number one problem
in America

is that we've forgotten
who the real Americans are.

Maryam, this is why I'm always
telling you to take it off.

This guy's a joke.

Someone's gotta pay the bills.

Did the people not like
the old president

because he was Black?

Black people are crooks.
You stay away from them.

Mom! You can't say
or believe things like that.

Why?

I'm up for a promotion at work.

When I get it,
I'm thinking about moving out.

I let you go to party with
your friends late. That's it.

I'll be able
to pay the mortgage here

and pay for a studio
if I get the promotion.

Why? My house is not
big enough for you?

I need my own space.

[MOUTHS] Save me.

And Maryam's gonna go to school
out of state next year.

[MOUTHS]
What?

I'm not good enough for you?

[VOICE BREAKING]
You both want to leave me.

Mom, don't you want us to have
more than this? Be something?

Yes! But first you go and get
married and have children.

Then go, be whatever you want.

I'm gonna move out.

Tomorrow is speed-dating night.
I expect you to go with Ameera.

I have work.

It's all about the work.

Now, show them
your nice side.

Don't smile. Don't laugh.
Don't talk too much.

Just be yourself.
Hm? Go.

[THE REMINDERS'
"DUST AND BONES" PLAYING]

♪ Dust and bones ♪

♪ I've been holding onto you ♪

♪ I'm giving up the ghost ♪

♪ Dust and bones ♪

I really love to cook.

And I will need
a lot of closet space.

You and I could go
shoe shopping together.

Now that I think about it,
I think it could really be fun.

♪ Now set an intention
To get more, need less ♪

♪ Wait for the blessings
Want freedom, less stress ♪

♪ Stop biggin' up everyone else
And underestimating yourself ♪

♪ So take all of your doubt
All your guilt and depression ♪

♪ All your lookin'
For validation ♪

♪ In people and possessions ♪

♪ Take all of your hurt ♪

♪ Take all of your fear... ♪

I mean,
there's no point in working.

My dad owns
all the laundromats in town.

Me doing any kind
of manual labor?

I mean, look at these things.

[THE REMINDERS' "DUST AND BONES"
CONTINUES IN FRENCH]

Thank you.

Great job.

♪ ...20 feet deep
30 feet deep ♪

♪ Bury all those things
Grab a hold of me ♪

♪ I'mma dig down, down, down
10 feet deep ♪

♪ 20 feet deep
30 feet deep ♪

♪ Oh, what a feeling ♪

♪ Now that I can see ♪

♪ That I got love
For something else... ♪

Damn, girl. You fine.

But you ain't my type.

Like, my parents,

they're making me
meet Paki girls.

I like blonde girls.

But if it does work out between
us, you mind dyeing your hair?

I mean, you know,
down there?

[SCOFFS]

Hey, where you going?

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Dust and bones ♪

Well, that's...

How do you think you did?

Yeah, um... Okay, I think.

Hey, Maryam, the test is over.
We should hang out.

Yeah, to celebrate.

[STAMMERING]
Or to just hang out.

Yeah.

And then there are these men
on muslimmatrimony.com.

Half of them are balding.

And they put a picture up
of when they were 18,

and now they're 50.

I'm going to be 30 next year,
who's going to marry me?

I'm going to be
over the mountain.

That's "over the hill."

Yes. I tell you, Mr. Gabriel,

they do not want
nice girls in America.

They want the blonde girl.

Or they want girls
who can cook and clean for them.

Or they want girls
to cut their toenails.

You're gonna find someone
soon, inshallah.

Do you know
what inshallah means?

Yeah. "God willing."

In Pakistan, inshallah means
it's never going to happen.

Inshallah, I will donate
to your charity.

Inshallah, I will feed
the hungry children.

Inshallah, I will take you
to the Madonna concert.

Take your inshallah back.

Take your inshallah back.

How do you know
about inshallah?

I'm Muslim.

But you're Black.

I am?

It's not like they're
mutually exclusive.

You can be both.

In fact, I think we were Muslim
before you guys.

[COUGHING]

You're-- Oh, you're choking.
You're-- You're choking.

You okay?

You okay? You need some water?

Are you all right?
I'm a doctor.

You okay?

You're a doctor?

Hello, myself Ameera.

Hello. Jawad.

Jawad?

Pakistani?

How are you?

This is a bit too much.

This is what normal people
look like on a date.

It's not a date.

We're just, you know...

Nope. I don't know.

This is what normal people look
like when they hang out.

Okay. I like...

He needs to see all your assets.

[GROANS]
Okay. Fine, then.
You are on your own.

Cheers.

[AS FATHER]
My genius beta

passing his MedCATs!

Waited for this day
my whole life.

[LAUGHS]

[AS MOTHER]
Enough studying buddying.
What is for dessert?

Hi. Would you like to see
a dessert menu?

Sure.

Wow, that is
such a pretty scarf.

Are you from Persia?

Nope.
Born and bred in Queens.

I'll have a chocolate cake,
please.

Okay.

[IMITATES WAITRESS]
Where are you really from?
Like, really from?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING]

Wanna dance?

I love to dance.

[SINGER SINGING IN SPANISH]

I should go.

Thanks for the ride home.

I've really, um...

enjoyed studying with you
these past few months.

Me too. Enjoyed it.

The studying, I mean.

And getting to know you.

I haven't met anyone like you.

Yeah. Okay.

I should go.

Stop.

What's wrong?

I really like you.

No, like, I really,
really, really like you.

I know.

No, but I don't wanna kiss you.

No, not-- I mean, I do
wanna kiss you, but I don't.

I-I can't, you know?

What do you mean?

I want my first kiss
to be with my husband.

But that's like...

a nun.

I know,
but that's how I roll.

I get it. It's not your thing.

No, I mean, I get it.
It's ancient.

It's traditional.
It's old-fashioned.

No, I like old-fashioned.

[♪♪♪]

Yeah. So if I were
to have my mom...

call your mom and ask
for your hand in marriage,

would that be how you roll?

What?

Good. Well, as I always say,
you are all are just great.

But one of you really stood out

and saved one of our biggest
accounts this quarter.

It is an absolute pleasure

to announce that the person
I'm talking about

is none other than Sam Khan,

who is being promoted
to team lead.

Oh, yes.

She has shown great, great
leadership this quarter,

and we look forward
to seeing more.

Keep up the good work.

Knock, knock, knock,
my little boss.

I thought we could have
a little celebration

before we go out.

Uh, love to, but I can't.

I have this dinner for my cousin
and my sister's wedding.

Mom would kill me
if I'm not home.
Wedding?

Hold on. Didn't they meet,
like, yesterday?

Yeah, they did.

Is it a shotgun wedding?

That's just how we do--
There's no premarital anything.

Nothing?

Okay, but, like, what if the guy
can't, you know, like...?

Dude, I could never do
what they're doing,

but this is what they want.

Oh.

I better go.

No, no, no, not ready yet.

Mm!

Oh, that tasted like a new job.

Come on.

She's promoted!

Huge lady balls!

Not hairy balls,
just lady balls.

[MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Sameem. Both your sister and
your cousin are getting married.

Sameem.

So nice to meet you.

Ameera has told me such
wonderful things about you.

Come, come, come.

Come, come, come.

Sameem, beti,
enough working, shirking.

Time to settle down.
Have you lost weight?

My nephew from Pakistan
is coming in a month.

You have to meet him.

Listen, only our men
have the stamina of horses,

eat like lions,
and last all night.

Excuse me
just one minute.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

My gosh.
You're very lucky.

[EXHALES]

[♪♪♪]

Mom? I'm gonna go now.

Maryam, you tell your sister
if she leaves the house today,

I will never speak to her again.

This house is big enough
for everyone.

Yes, and I'm 30 years old.

I love you, Mom.

None of all this love shove.

If you really cared for me,

you'd get married
and go to your own house

instead of moving
into an empty apartment

in a big city.

Khadija's daughter did that,
and you saw how it turned out.

She's the VP
of a Fortune 500 company.

She is a gay. And she
lives with another woman.

Her mother can't even
show her face in public.

I'll see you on Monday?

If you walk out of the house
just now,

next time you come back,
you will see my dead face.

Don't be so dramatic.

Dramatic?

Don't tell me
I'm being dramatic.

I'm not doing drama shrama
for your entertainment.

You are just like your father.

Leaving me the way he did.

Sam.

Don't go, please.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

SHAHID [SINGSONGY]:
I got your favorite!

Thanks.

Your mom and sister
are gonna be fine.

I don't know.
They're both super stubborn.

They're family.

Family always comes first.

You think?

I'm sure of it.

Now, come on,
let's do this!

You do it.

Okay.

No, no, I got this.

On the count of three.

Hey.

SHAHID:
Yes!

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
That's a great score.

It's not a 522.

You could still get
an interview at Harvard.

And even if you don't...

you still have me.

Thanks.

AMEERA:
Wow.

Where are we going?

Tell me now.

I like it here.

We're here.

[GASPS]

I can't.

[GIGGLING]
Okay.

[RITVIZ'S "LIGGI" PLAYING]

Where's the girl?
She makes better lassis.

I don't know.
I haven't seen her in a while.

Too bad.

She makes better lassis.

The best.

It's very nice.

Jawad is sparing no expense.

Damn. No, he's not.

So pretty, right?

So big.

Khala really misses you.

She really does.

She just needs some time.

You know what the best part
of moving out is?

What?
You can't steal
my clothes anymore.

Nothing's stopping me from
coming over and borrowing them.

You have a really,
really nice house,

and the food
is pretty good too.

Thanks.

Although I can't wait to see

what kind of fancy place
Dr. Maryam

and Brad Damon
get once they graduate

from Harvard med school.

Yeah.

What?

And?

518.

Right?

Unless you wanna get into
Harvard, then it's just okay.

Whatever. There are a ton
of great schools out there.

If, um...

If Shahid gets into Harvard
and I don't...

I'm thinking of letting
the medical career go.

What?

You mean in 20 years, once
you're done raising his kids?

Shahid gets me.
We have the same goals.

Well, your goals are stupid.
You're going to med school.

Sam.

You've worked your whole life
for this.

I have to put family first.

That's bullshit.

Listen, nerd.

You can't spend your life
living for others.

You've gotta be able to put
yourself first when you need to.

You've got that covered.

What?

What did you say?

Sam, Maryam.

You've got that covered.

What's that supposed to mean?

Spit it out.

Spit it out, nerd.

Mom's right.
You're just like Dad.

Look at you, willing to sell out
your family for a job

and an empty apartment.

I'm sorry that our family

was never good enough for you.

When I look at what you have

and if this is what I get
for picking me,

I pick Shahid.

Fine. Go marry what's-his-face

so you can be divorced
and pregnant at 22.

Well, it's better than being
30, damaged and single.

Screw you, Maryam.

Mom doesn't want you at
the engagement and neither do I.

Fine.

Because you're not invited.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[♪♪♪]

I guess I should be going also.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

You know, when I was in Lahore,
I got my palm read.

And Auntie Ghazala said I was
destined to marry in America.

You know, I can read palms too.

You can?

Tell me what you see in mine.

Says you're gonna
marry a man in America,

but he's not a doctor.

I'm really fond of you.

Gabriel, I'm marrying
Dr. Jawad Shah.

I came here just to give you
my wedding invite.

I better be going now.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING IN DISTANCE]

Ah. There.
You look beautiful. See?

We want to see the bride.

[GASPS]
Ooh!

So pretty.

Oh, thank you, Auntie.
I'm not the bride.

Maryam's the bride.

Oh.

Very nice.

Beti, so pretty. Mashallah.

Maryam, what are you learning
to cook for Shahid?

I have a great pulao recipe
I can give you.

Americans say the way to a man's
heart is through his stomach.

Also, I don't know
anything about this,

but I do know that you should
keep it clean down there.

You just wax all the hairs.
Your husband will like it.

Chalo, let's go see
what baji needs.

Dirty Auntie.

Okay. Khala wants us to get
ready for the engagement.

Ready?

Ready.

[PHONE BUZZES]

[SIGHS]

Nice?

Wonderful.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Beautiful.

You look crazy good.

You might have run off

if you saw me
five minutes ago.

Congratulations,
Mrs. Harvard doctor sahiba.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I didn't get an interview
at Harvard.

What?

Picture. Come, come, come.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Okay. Scooch.

Okay. Hang on.

Thank you.

May Allah protect you
from the evil eye, hm?

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Let me see.

Does that--?

Does that mean you're going
to your Harvard interview?

Harvard has the best pedes
program in the country.

Chalo, let's do a family photo.

Come, let's have
a family photo.

Ameera.

What about us?

The wedding?

We could postpone the wedding

for a couple of years

and maybe try
the whole long-distance thing?

Shahid, you first.

Maryam, if we do
long-distance...

we're gonna be done.

Come.

I wanna be where you are, okay,

but if I can get in
to Harvard...

I wanna go.

You're putting your career
before me?

What's more important to you?

Here, beta.

Thank you.

Big family photo.

Come, come.

Everybody.

Oh, wait.

Hold hands.

Yeah.

[RECORDED]
Hey, you reached Sam.
You know what to do.

Hey, Sam, it's me.

[TV DRONING INDISTINCTLY]

Mr. Smarts, what do you think
is making you so popular now,

especially
with the younger voter?

I think the young people today
are able to see through crap.

Excuse my language,
but I think

they see that our country
is being overrun

by immigrants, Muslims,
just bad people,

all preventing America from
being what it deserves to be.

I say, America first.

REPORTER 1: Mr. Smarts!

Asshole.

[♪♪♪]

House salad.
Caesar salad.

I'm really excited about being
in this restaurant.

Heard the food here
is delicious.

The best.
I come all the time.

Good evening.

I'll have top-shelf
18-year-old Scotch,

the lady will have water,

and we'll have the steak.

Make it bleed. Thank you.

Very good, sir.
I'll bring bread.

No bread.

My cousin in Lahore
had asthma once.

She could not breathe.

Oh.

What type of films
do you like to watch?

Any action flick.

I really like Eddie Murphy's
Coming to America.

You like that film?

Not really my thing.

Are you excited about
the wedding dress tomorrow?

Sure.

Maryam is really excited
about it.

Hey, listen,
I got a call from the hospital.

I'm gonna have to go in.

Now?

You finish up.

See you tomorrow.

[♪♪♪]

GABRIEL:
And let's see.

This? Yeah?

That it?

GABRIEL:
This is the best one.

MARYAM [RECORDED]:
Hey, Sam. We're meeting
at the bridal store Monday.

You should come. Okay. Bye.

Also, I'm sorry. Okay?

I shouldn't have said what
I did. You're not like Dad.

You're my big sister and you've
always looked out for me.

[VOICE BREAKING]
Even when it was hard
or frustrating,

you were always there.

And I just wanted to say
thank you and I love you.

I wish you were here.

And I miss you, Sam.
Mom misses you.

[KNOCKING]

Anyway, I hope to see you
at the bridal shop.

Love you.

This is hard.

Maryam, you'll look great
in any of these dresses.

If I get into Harvard,
I'm gonna go.

And I want us
to work this out together.

This is from our new collection.
Designer's from Boston.

That's nice.

You're thinking something more
traditional or maybe new style?

New style.

Maybe we can try--

You can't have both people be
aggressive about their careers.

One person has to make
a sacrifice.

You can't expect me
to do that, Shahid.

This isn't the Dark Ages.

I'll let you guys
discuss the clothes.

I'm not giving up
med school.

I'm not asking you
to give it up.

Just don't go so far away.

But it's the best program
out there.

I want my wife
to have me and my family

as her first priority.

I have to go.

Hey, Shahid.

What's with him?

[SNIFFLES]

I'm really sorry too.

Shahid didn't get an interview
for Harvard.

He doesn't want me to go.

What do you wanna do?

He's the only one who's ever
showed me any interest.

You don't need to marry
the first guy

who shows interest in you.

SALESWOMAN:
You look so good!

You're looking
like Katrina Kaif. No?

Too, too good.

She looks amazing.

Hey. What's wrong?

I'm just happy.

Ameera, look at me.

Do you love him?

If you don't love him,
don't marry him.

But what will Khala say?
What will everyone say?

Ameera, we need to go right now.

You do what's best for you.

I'm sorry.
I can't do this.

What?

[♪♪♪]

Where are you going
with my dress?

JAWAD: Ameera!

Where are you going?

Stop! Ameera!

Stop!

Ameera!

Ameera!

Ameera!

Ameera!

Ameera!

Ameera!

I would like a mango lassi,
please.

I was here first,
you know.

I'm really, really fond
of you too.

CUSTOMER:
What kind of people are these?

I'm standing in line,
you know.

Gabriel.

Aren't you supposed to be
getting married?

He's not my king-to-be.
You are.

Marry me?

[♪♪♪]

[SCOFFS]

Just do it.
Take a chance.

What did you ask me?

Gabriel Abdulla,

would you do the honor of
being the husband of my house?

And I would like
that mango lassi too, please.

Okay.

Okay to the mango lassi,
or okay to marrying me?

Both. Okay to both.

[WOMEN EXCLAIMING]

This is better
than a Hindi movie.

KEN [OVER TV]:
...and how you use technology
to boost your popularity.

DOUGLAS:
Look, Ken, I'm just
a simple son of a farmer.

I don't know anything
about social media.

That's for sure.

If people like me,

it's because
they like my message.

America is for real Americans.

And how do you define
real Americans?

Apple pie-eating,
white Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

Whoa.

JIM: Goddamn it!

Conference room in five.
Just come up

with your best idea
to spin this.

Will do.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Come on.

No! Did you hear what he said?

For God's sakes,
it's completely racist...

Yeah, what do you got?

Question.

Is there any way you'd consider
dropping Smarts as a client?

Dropping Smarts? No.

Then I have to quit.

Oh, Sam.

Sam-- No, this is
the worst possible--

It's not worth it.

Sam...

[SIGHS]

I know.

Besides, I learned
what I came here for.

What is that?

Teamwork makes the dream work.

[♪♪♪♪]

Good luck, Sam.

You too, Jim.

I think we both said
some things we didn't mean.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Mm.

Do it harder
on the right side.

After you went,
everything went crazy.

Jawad's mother phoned,

they want to call off
the wedding.

They said Ameera is already
in a relationship.

I asked Ameera,
and she said it's true.

She wants to marry a Black--

And he's not even a doctor.

You can't say things
like that.

Why can't I say it?

Because it's racist.
And you're brown.

I'm not brown.

[KNOCKING]

I'm not expecting anyone.

[SPEAKS IN URDU]

Assalamu alaikum,
Auntie.

I got you a DVD of your favorite
Pakistani soap operas.

Just--

I'll-- I'll just
leave it right here.

[SIGHS]

Do you think you can buy your
way into my heart, Jibreal?

Me and Ameera love each other.

I married for love.

He left me with two daughters
and ran off with another woman.

Your people and my people
have nothing in common.

Ameera...

is kind.

She's a generous person,
and she cares about her family.

Those are the exact same values
that my parents taught me.

[SIGHS]

Is that a ta'wiz?

Yeah.

From the baba
on Baxter Avenue.

Keeps the evil eye away.

Who told you that?

I grew up on Baxter Avenue.

My parents used to go to him
when they were still alive.

That baba was our neighbor.

Our first apartment
was on Baxter Avenue.

I know that baba very well.
I still go to him.

The same.

[CHUCKLES]

Sameem! Maryam! Ameera!

[SPEAKS IN URDU]

Next Saturday
is the wedding.

[GASPS]

[BOTH SQUEALING]

But, Jibreal,
I expect it to be

a full Pakistani-style wedding.

Yeah.

[STAMMERS]
Thank you. Thank you.

But you hurt her and I will
cut it off. You understand?

[REPLIES IN URDU]

Now you learn to speak
proper Urdu.

Maryam, go get some mithai
from the fridge.

So...

how much are you making, hm?

[♪♪♪]

AUNTIE:
Head down.

No smiling.

Save some tears
for later.

In my time, brides used
to like to wear red,

but these days, these girls
have their own ideas.

Times are changing, baji.

Maybe their ideas
are not so bad. Hm.

Oh.

Khala finally agrees.

It's really happening.

For you, nerd.

What for?

[♪♪♪]

Whatever you decide to do,
I'll back you up.

Just make sure
you're doing it for you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Don't start crying.
Let's go.

[IMAM RECITING]

Oh, mankind, we've made you
from a single pair

of male and female,

and made you
into nations and tribes,

so that you may
know each other.

I now present to you

Mr. and Mrs. Ameera
and Gabriel Abdulla.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

[WHOOPING]

[TRADITIONAL PAKISTANI
MUSIC PLAYING]

You're amazing.

But I'm not giving up
med school.

You don't mean that.

You're gonna make some girl
very happy one day.

[♪♪♪]

Be careful. Be careful.

Maryam, let's go!
We're waiting for you.

Sit, sit, sit. More.

Did you want one?

Can I have the jackfruit?

Babe, I love it.

Have that.

I'd like to make a toast.

What is this toast shoast?

To Maryam, for finishing
her first year of med school.

And to Ameera, for completing
her teaching certificate.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

To Sam and Zane,
on their engagement.

And to Sam's new company.

I would also like
to make a toast.

To my brand-new
"Amreecan" family.

Yeah!

Hey!

Right on. I'll grub. I'm in.

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Look at-- Look at it.

[CELINA SHARMA'S
"LEAN ON" PLAYING]

♪ Deal with it in your own ♪

♪ You'll go insane ♪

♪ I wanna help move the load ♪

♪ Oh, out your way ♪

♪ But I can't make you
You've gotta want to ♪

♪ So if you ever
Feel the need to ♪

♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Know I'll be there to
Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody
Lean on me ♪

BANTAI [IN URDU AND ENGLISH]:
♪ ...I need nobody ♪

♪ Let's take a walk
And leave the... ♪

♪ ...party...after party ♪

♪ Gonna lean on you
'Cause I need somebody ♪

♪ Bae, ay ♪

♪ Life change...
Lady...range... ♪

CELINA:
♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Know I'll be there to
Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody
Lean on me ♪

BANTAI:
♪ No more bad days
Now I got my fan base ♪

♪ You're the one who
Made me smile on my sad days ♪

♪ I'mma lean on you ♪

♪ Yeah, I'mma lean on you ♪

CELINA:
♪ Doesn't matter
Wherever I be ♪

♪ All you gotta do
Is lean on me ♪

♪ When it gets too much
Just shout for me ♪

♪ Shout for me ♪

♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light
I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Know I'll be there to
Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody
Lean on me ♪

BANTAI [IN URDU AND ENGLISH]:
♪ ...I need nobody ♪

♪ Let's take a walk
And leave the... ♪

♪ ...party...after party ♪

♪ Gonna lean on you
'Cause I need somebody ♪

♪ Bae, ay ♪

♪ Life change...
Lady...range... ♪

CELINA:
♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light
I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Know I'll be there to
Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light
I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪

♪ Know I'll be there to
Lean on me ♪

♪ I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ You can call me
On a late ni-night ♪

♪ You can take your time
Ya can always count on me ♪

♪ If you ever
Don't feel all right ♪

♪ You can't see the light
I'll be that somebody ♪

♪ Lean on me ♪